See the sea

I'm grateful I went out to see the sea close to without getting blown away or wet...

Three days ago it was blue and smooth and stripy...

This afternoon, though much calmer than earlier in the day, still heaving and hurling itself at the shore...







Love it any way at all, ha ha!


I'm grateful for getting my in town shopping and chores done fairly easily...small town = less choice = less faffing around!

I'm grateful for being home once more...now if someone could put the kettle on that would be just perfect! In fact while you're there could you start the dinner too...

I'm grateful for a new book to read chosen by me ie. not borrowed or come across in a charity shop. Actually technically it's second hand...so I give thanks for Amazon too!

I'm grateful I don't have to do anything else today if I don't want to...I don't do I?

Joy addition

I found a way back to the old blogger interface...oh inestimable joy! Stats! Reading lists!

Went into my bedroom by chance at the right time (again!) yesterday evening and watched an inward bound tanker be met by the pilot boat. No, I've no idea why this makes me squeal with delight time and time again but hey ho...free fun through your window, what's not to like?

Not long after I had a sudden burst of (relative) energy and did some tidying of a place I couldn't see while a spot of late supper was cooking. I love it when the inside of cupboards and drawers are tidy, don't you?

Today I changed my bedding. This I found monumentally difficult and had to do in instalments. Note to self: do not attempt to put a clean duvet cover on and brush hair on same day unless you want to render yourself incapable of anything but snacking and watching TV for the rest of it. Hmmm...on the other hand... PS. Note to any bright sparks thinking of suggesting I get a single: some people should be lined up against a wall and given chemotherapy!

Talking of self, I enjoyed reading an article by Will Self about 'human rights'. No I'm not going to give you a link to avoid comments of the 'Are you trying to tell me...?' variety. All I'm trying to tell you is that I enjoyed reading it, OK? I have a sort of soft spot for Will Self as his literary agent once briefly expressed an interest in my work. She changed her mind so it's as spurious a feeling of 'connection' as one is likely to come across, but there you go...

I've also just enjoyed the luxury of a snooze on the sofa. Dozing off in the sunshine is good...napping to the sounds of roaring waves, driving rain and howling winds (whilst snug indoors) is absolutely blissful!

Anti-matter

Don’t get over excited folks...it’s not the ‘real’ Mary Beard in the comments box but it looks good there all the same eh? As for my ‘ostomate’ chum he seems to have deleted his profile from the site which I think it a tad excessive. I think it’s more than a mere blocking as our previous correspondence has disappeared too. How bizarre. A simple ‘I’ve changed my mind about talking to you’ would have sufficed, don’t you think? Oh well, I hope he feels better for it anyway. Someone did suggest the man I was talking to on the seafront yesterday may have had some sort of mental health problem too. Now hang on a min...you are reading this aren’t you? Therefore you either think I have something of interest to say or you have some deeper sickness than I have and just want to secretly mock the afflicted. Think on, ha ha!

I’m grateful for getting the few chores I’d set myself done. Sitting down I’ve ironed bedding ready to have a go at putting it on the bed tomorrow. I’ve made things to eat and eaten them even though I’m feeling rather queasy and wan...and washed up too! And I’ve written a few words of a story I’ve been working on. I give thanks for a letter from Kostas and that he hasn't been picked for am execution date yet and for Dan saying he was grateful for me mentioning that I was grateful to him. I’m grateful for a glimpse of  pinky mauve (lilac?) lilac in a hedge at the front and for the back yard bluebells that are loving this weather and keeping their heads up above all the other greenery growing lush (If you can go to a really bluebelly place then do!). Ooh and I’m really grateful for remembering that The Bridge is on tonight! I heard of an ‘intellectual’ debate as to whether Nordic Noir crime/political drama really is good or whether we just think it is because it comes from elsewhere. OK, I’m going to start another about whether intellectuals have anything of value to say or whether they just spent too long at university learning how to ‘discuss’ things on paper that don’t really matter at all...

Limited application

Deep gratitude this morning for waking up to torrential rain...ideal weather for a much needed long lie in! Thanks to Dan for reminding me of another favourite Green Day track by posting a link on Facebook. Thanks to the people next door for playing a not-to-my-taste radio station loud enough for me to have to get up soon... Gratitude for my lovely tea last night of jacket potato, cottage cheese, chutney and mixed salad. Mmmm... And extreme thankfulness if this post should a) appear and b) be actually legible as that new improved blogger interface they are so proud of is not compatible with this android tablet and is makes all activities a logistical challenge guaranteed to test one's ability to remain grateful to the limits.

Dodging the showers

Despite parking myself on a bench for ten minutes yesterday afternoon there were still more things on the 'to do in town' list than my body wanted to...so when I managed to get an appointment for the blood samples to be taken today I was grateful as it meant I could just go to acupuncture and then go home and leave the rest of the shopping. I pretty much fell into the taxi I was so exhausted and was grateful when the driver got out to open my door when we arrived. I put my key in the downstairs door and it turned OK but wouldn't open. It does swell and stick a bit in the wet so I put my bags down and used all my remaining energy to shove and kick but it refused to give more than a couple of centimetres and they revealed some cardboard jammed underneath. I couldn't open the door enough to move it and was really flummoxed for a while. Then I tried the doorbell of the nice new people and someone came straight away and picked up the cardboard which proved to be a flat package for them that had just landed in an odd way coming through the letter box. She said 'Is your name Gabi? We signed for a catalogue parcel for you the other day...I'll go and get it.' I was a bit puzzled as I'd just gone to collect a catalogue parcel from my usual delivery place but by then I was desperate just to get indoors and put the shopping down and me on a chair. After a bit I went to get a cup of tea and I really fancied some milk chocolate. I've usually got lovely dark chocolate in the house but in a while I fancy something a bit sweeter. Oh, well, I thought as the kettle boiled and I began to unpack the bags. I got to the package from downstairs and ripped it open to find it was a 'free gift' of fudge and marshmallow milk chocolate! Guess what word I had beginning with 'g'!


Later I had a lovely long (yes...thankful!) bath and then changed my bag for one of the new samples that had arrived and was soon tucked up in bed reading. Just as I went to turn out the light I thought 'That's odd...didn't I dry myself properly after the bath?' Er, no, a 'wardrobe malfunction' and luckily still confined to my 'wardrobe' and not yet reaching the bed. So I tried to concentrate on how lucky that was as I changed everything else and then couldn't get off to sleep. Finally I did though and was woken by brilliant sunshine and the prettiest birdsong for which I was truly thankful. I had to get up earlyish to let someone in from the council so was all dressed and breakfasted and ready to go out when I realised the second bag was pouring away soaking two tops, underwear, jeans... Yes, I WAS grateful this had happened before I left for town but not totally blissed out you understand! I won't be using the rest of those samples and I've gone back to a sort I've had no trouble with so far... 


When I'd changed I realised I was cutting it fine to book a cab to the surgery and tried the three I could find cards for with no success and decided if I set off straight away I could walk there in time but if I hung around looking through the phone book I'd be late. And yes I was grateful for the opportunity to strengthen my legs but even more so for apparently turning off the rain as soon as I walked through the front door and making bright sunshine come out! I was also thankful I remembered to pack a sturdy carrier bag to sit on the still damp seaside seat with. I love watching happy couples my age and older strolling along holding hands or chatting companionably and gave thanks that love and companionship is not just for the young. Some of them had dogs as well though and I'd just been chuckling to myself that that was just plain greedy and they should share when a man with a dog but a wife who was shopping came and started up a conversation with me and we had a lovely chat about this and that. He was a very interesting man to talk to and afterwards he shook my hand and said he hoped we'd meet again and I said I did too! I was grateful for the universe for not hanging about manifesting my request and went off to finish doing my messages much restored. (You can't take the Scotland out of the girl ha ha!) Now I'm home, creaking all over and very thankful to have the kettle on and a big choux bun awaiting my urgent attention!

Oh bum!

I give thanks for giving up on my online quest for nice big knickers for small bums...clearly if you want to cover an osotomy bag with something you'd not cringe to uncover (even all by yourself at home!) you are better off being fat. I'm off to eat biscuits to solve the problem and cheer myself up in one easy (lack of) exercise!

I give thanks for the delight that is Mary Beard's Meet the Romans. She herself is a delight to me for being a female TV presenter not in the first flush of youth, without a great deal of makeup and adornment and with loose long (grey) hair and sensible shoes... I love her enthusiasm and breadth of knowledge but also the subject matter - the history of ordinary people's everyday lives. I find that so fascinating...She isn't mealy mouthed either, which is a good job in the circumstances...

No sign of the nurse I hoped was coming to take some blood.The doctor didn't know when they could fit me in at the surgery and the community team didn't know if they could either but I thought it was worth a try...I know I'm off their care list now but I find it so hard getting out and about. I have to have some more tests to see exactly what's going on with the iron. It can be a non-absorption thing rather than a simple lack and I've been told in the past that the most successful treatment for kidney patients contra-indicated if you have had any diagnosis of cancer as it's a sort of growth hormone. It's a similar story for the drugs you have to take if you have a transplant so guess I won't go down that road either...I'm grateful I have a nephrology appointment coming up soon so perhaps they'll have some brainwaves there.

Gratitude too that when I went to close the living room curtains last night the people downstairs were twirling whirly things with real fire and multi coloured lights and when I went to close the bedroom ones a brightly lit tanker was heading out to sea.Have I mentioned how much I appreciate living here? For the super sauce I made to go on some ice-cream - stewed rhubarb and preserved ginger and for the spider running across a door just now. It was such an odd place to see one I thought it was some sort of visual disturbance at first. I love spiders! And thanks that it's not so wet today as I'm off out to acupuncture and the post office, by cab but still some walking about involved. Shame the sea is more calm though...I did want to see some big waves...

Findings

Heavens! I don't know what was falling down from them last night...a meteor shower? Frozen frogs or fishes? Loaves? Whatever it was it was it was very noisy but I was awake anyway. Sometimes I find it hard to get/stay comfortable and am extremely grateful that I don't have a trying-to-be sleeping partner or a boss expecting me to be bright eyed and bushy tailed first thing! I also give thanks that years ago I twigged that a good rest is better that a bad sleep and don't waste my night huffing and puffing and tossing and turning and constantly watching the clock but just relax as best I can with a book, or some meditation or metta.

This morning when I finally levered myself upright and peered outside I was sure there'd be some devastation in sight but everything looked intact. A tanker was struggling out into the rough open sea through the tight bends of the narrow channel in the sandbanks and I was both grateful to be able to watch it and that it eventually made it OK. A couple of times I thought I could see smaller boats sinking but then I realised they were actually just BIG waves!

Gratitude for keeping a biscuit tin under the bed and binoculars on the window sill! For finding a dry gap to go down and take the recycling out, for the lovely pasta with veggies, olives and pesto I made for my lunch and for the warm full feeling afterwards snuggled up on the sofa with the TV. And this might sound daft but I'm also grateful for finding out the doctors are now worried about my anaemia as this means I can stop worrying about becoming a couch potato!

hmsl

Before I think about my gratitudes for the day I just want to explain what I probably didn't make clear before...I don't particularly want to talk to anyone about ostomies any more than I've wanted to talk about cancer or any other (un)health thing. It's just nice sometimes not to have to deliberately NOT mention something that is a part of your life just to spare someone else's discomfort. It's like when I had alopecia I felt, even when I was OK with the sight of my own bald head (and warm enough!), it was still kinder to strangers to cover it up so they didn't feel awkward. Or playing down the prognosis when perhaps you'd got chatting and mentioned to someone you'd 'not been well' and they said they hoped you were on the mend. My head might have been under a scarf or a wig but it wasn't in the sand...just trying to be compassionate I guess.

I've been told I'm dying so many times but as I'm still here it seems a good plan to try and live better. I have a lot of changes that I'd like to make and am well aware that I can only change me even when it's other people who seem to be the problem! Most of the things we complain most about in others are aspects of ourselves we fear, or regret or would like to change. And I really must try harder not to complain about other people complaining all the time, ha ha!

Anyway, I'm grateful for giving my tummy muscles a bit more exercise yesterday. Not intentionally you know, not sit ups or digging the garden, just a bit more general daily this and that. They were a bit sore last night but that's good because I knew I'd been moving around. They were a bit sore chuckling this morning over Epic WTFs, Awkward Names and Parent Fails but that served me right for doing something so 'impure'. Much gratitude for the laughter though! Of course I've no idea what WTF stands for...maybe it's Well That's Fantastic...what do you think folks?

I'm grateful to Laura for putting a second lick of left over paint in the hallway. I really don't fancy the disruption of finishing my bedroom at the moment but it's good to have another bit of the place looking clean and fresh.

I'm grateful for allowing myself a gentler day again today. Just doing the things that need to be done, relaxing in between. I'm grateful for leftovers for my lunch. How lucky are we that we have leftovers eh? I'm grateful for dysfunctional Scandinavian women solving twisted crimes in bleak but strangely compelling surroundings...and for a sliver of sunshine through my window just now. When it's ready to come out properly I'll be ready too!

Shopping bags

I gave thanks this morning for the zingy taste of three fruit marmalade on my rye mix toast. Oh, and for that lovely rye mix bread as well!

I gave thanks for hash browns and quorn sausages for my lunch later. There are so many foods available now we'd never heard of as children. I don't even know the half of them I know not being a meat eating car driving big supermarket shopper. Some are clearly consumer coffer draining inventions but nonetheless they are there for our indulged palates should we choose while some of them are not inventions just introductions of course and much thanks for those too...avocados and aubergines for instance. Had no idea they existed until my teens!

I give thanks for the wonderfully snuggly stay at home weather, and for being able to stay at home and do so...

Also that a second hand book I ordered from extendedpaul on Amazon late on Friday morning was there when I went to check the mail just now. Now that is service! He'll be getting feedback on the site of course but I wanted to give him a heads up on here as well. Perfectly wrapped and addressed and hand written note on the printed despatch details thanking me for my order and hoping I'd enjoy the book. I will because I read it before and just had to own it because it is such an informative and funny read. It's called Through the Language Glass by Guy Deutscher. So great gratitude to him too I guess for his work!

The last gratitude might seem a bit icky to some, but I've never let a little thing like other people's opinions spoil my fun and if you want 'normal' you're in the wrong place I'm afraid... I've been doing quite a bit of internet research on all manner of things urostomy related...hints and tips, pieces of kit...you get the idea. Well, I can't remember what it was I was looking up at the weekend but I read a link from the list that the search engine had thrown up and then I wondered what is this site I'm on? It was a site for people with all kinds of ostomies all around the world. I'm not much of a joiner, and I'm even less of a joiner in (I know a few cancerchat members have found me sadly lacking in the regular chat department). However, as well as forums and info and all the stuff you might expect this site also had a dating section! I know, I know, you don't want to think about it do you? Well, that kind of is the point of having a dating section on a site like that...so people who make other people feel faintly queasy get a look in too!  Anyway, yes of course I joined...and took a couple of pics of me with the bits that still look fairly human looking as fair as is humanly possible...and yes someone with baggage of his own has got in touch already. He lives in Florida (what is it with me and guys in Florida?) so I don't think we'll be meeting any time soon but it's the thought that counts you know...

Sunday best

Mmm, that stew! I started thinking about it before breakfast. I know I could have had it then as a sort of foules mesdames but I didn't think my digestive system was ready. Never mind it made me think of seeing the sun come up on the road to Marrakech...one of the more poetic sounding moments in my life...

I give thanks for the turquoise and amethyst stripes of the sea.

For a bright beaked blackbird posturing on a branch outside my window...

For some activity in the middle part of the day and a few little joblets done...

No prizes for guessing what nearly happened after that and two bowls of stew but much gratitude for my cunning plan of getting up and making pudding instead of dozing off! I give thanks for the rhubarb crumble and custard too...and for having ready made crumble and custard to make it all the more quickly!

I give thanks for being able to potter along at my own pace this weekend without spoiling anyone else's plans or fun...and for this for those who want more action which made me chuckle yesterday
http://mobile.darkroastedblend.com/26QM/news/2012/04/push-to-add-drama.html

More or less

I've been really tired the last couple of days so apologies if you've been missing my words of wisdom (yeah, right!). I've also been struggling a little with the vagaries of the 'new improved' Blogger system. I've yet to figure out any ways in which it's better but it keeps the redesign bods in a job I suppose having a reshuffle now and then!

I've been grateful for the sight of a tanker inching through the channel on the evening high tide yesterday. The opening leaves are beginning to conceal the sea from my living room view but the bedroom has a year round slice to watch and marvel at...

I've been grateful for the sparkle of sun on the waves this morning, and the spatter of raindrops on window panes...

For the smell of spicy lentil and veg stew wafting from the kitchen. It's for tomorrow as it tastes even better the next day. I had to chop the veg in instalments as it seemed like such an arduous chore but I'm very glad I did and it's done.

I give thanks for seeing a new Danish/Swedish collaboration Nordic Noir detective series starts tonight. Mmmm...

I give thanks I've had no social invitations of offers of visits or trips out this weekend because I really don't think I could be bothered the way I feel at the moment. Of course if anyone reads this and decides to put it to the test...carry on, ha ha!

I'm grateful for whoever the kindly soul was who did all the washing up just now. Who could that be? What's that? It was me? Well there you go then, what a wonder I am...where would I be without me?

Warm thoughts to those who are feeling even less bounciful just now. To Tony, back in hospital and to Fran for being challenged by the Derwent reservoir on his behalf. Thinking of Carol who hasn't been feeling quite so well just lately but is still fitting as much fun in as she can, and of Juanita too. And everyone else who knows me as they say!

Every little helps

Gratitude today for sleeping late and it really not mattering at all
For all the lovely rain for making me feel cosy indoors
For home made cauliflower cheese from the freezer
To Laura for some more little decorating chores...and a laugh about internet dating
For Tesco deliveries and all our friendly local drivers

What the eye doesn't see

You might wonder why I don't write more about how grateful I am not to have a nephrostomy any more. I wondered why I didn't think about it much, and decided dealing with post op unpleasantries and getting used to the new drainage system's quirks and foibles kind of obscured any benefits of the change at first. Also I began to realise that a lot of the time I had managed to blank out the general day to day impracticality and discomfort of it just to survive it with a smile intact.

There has been a lot of unhealth stuff to deal with in the last few years that for me personally I've found best dealt with by filing away in a big file labelled 'Don't'! Don't go there, don't dwell, don't pick at it because it won't get better and you'll only make it hurt more in the meantime. For instance, when they told me there was nothing they could do for my cancer I declined further scans to check on it's spread. I know this wouldn't work for everybody but I couldn't see the point in putting myself through the extra stress. If I felt OK why would I want to know I wasn't? If I didn't feel OK and the news was bad how would knowing exactly how bad it was help me feel better in myself? Some people prefer all the details, I know, but it's worth remembering there are other ways of approaching the situation if you should find yourself in it.

Anyway gradually I'm becoming more aware of the advantages of not having a nephrostomy, and now the hole in my side has healed and my tummy muscles recovered from the surgery enough to get from sitting to lying and back, I have had my first proper bath in over two years! You were wondering what the smell was weren't you? This is worth at least fifteen gratitudes... I can have proper get wet all over showers now too of course, and they are great for getting clean, but a bath is about warmth and comfort and pampering. For someone who never has more than the occasional hello or goodbye hug it makes up for a lot of the cuddles and physical affection missed from humans big and small and furry pets...

I'm also grateful for a great evening with Jared, including a delicious meal and some very pretty local scenery. Apparently being by the sea might make you happier...http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-17743980 and being happier might help keep you well http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17733371. Remember you heard it here first folks!

I give thanks for savasana, for bluebells blooming on the scrubland behind the rubbish bins here and that my knees hurt horribly because it means I've been for a short walk. I wanted to go down through the little park opposite Thatcher Rock which I haven't done for years, and where Jared had never been. It was so picturesque in the slanting evening light. What you couldn't see close to is that moored behind it was a very large grey warship!

Spilt milk

Well it's a good job I worked out a record plan for those programmes as I fell asleep before the end of the first. I woke up a few times briefly during the ones that followed and then zzzzed off again before I could move. At half past midnight I managed to stay awake long enough to get to the bedroom but then I thought I'd have a little 'rest' before getting undressed and was soon zzzzing again. It wasn't til half past one that I managed to perform the nightly essentials...and no, I don't mean cleanse, tone and moisturise!

Much gratitude for being able to sleep when tired...it's one of those many luxuries we tend to forget actually is one. For a long lie in this morning listening to the wind and waves. For crumpets with proper butter. For spilling milk on the floor...not the rug or the chair or my raincoat draped over the back of it! For my third month's free trial of internet security...I'm happy to pay for one when I've chosen but it's great to be able to try before you buy...

Light fantastic

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No...it's Super-me! Actually it was more like...Is it a statue? Is it someone who's fallen asleep? But nonetheless, by means of two cabs and countless rests on convenient seats, I made it to the doctor's, a cafe and a couple of shops. I got sunned on and winded about, and, just as I was walking to the last taxi caught in a brief shower of hail so perfect weather really. Totally awestruck by sight of waves close to...like I'd never really looked at them before.

Doctor even more awestruck by latest blood test results which show my body IS recovering even if it doesn't feel much like it. Thankful to be reminded I'm a walking miracle even when I'm on my knees! Thankful too for her thoughtfulness for picking my bags up off the floor and hanging them back on my shoulder for me. Gratitude for a freezer and a cooker and a ready meal...for lots to watch on TV. At least five things on at 9pm so some research for repeats required. And for these stunning rainbows through my bedroom window later on...

Stranger in the night

It's funny, sometimes (like Sunday) I have a tremendous appetite for food and sleep and other days like yesterday I'm awake and apparently running on air. Gratitude for getting some sedentary chores done...internet things, paperwork and also phone calls. I left four messages for four different people about a variety of matters that seemed somewhat urgent to me and one of them actually replied! Gratitude to Karen Green for her cheerful support over the years...she reckons I need to see a GP to have something checked out so I'll have to get my lazy bottom off the settee and into some jeans and a cab later. All for the best I'm sure. If I waited til I actually felt up to going out, it could be a very long time til I do...

Gratitude for more 'typical' April weather...it must be the first month we've had the weather we grew up with for several years! I know it can be unpleasant to be caught in a heavy rain or hail shower if not adequately dressed but unless you get soaked and have to stay wet it can be refreshing, invigorating even... I love to see the clouds scudding across the sky, the sudden changes of light...And at night, through a securely latched but slightly open window, to hear the wind swishing the trees and rattling things, hurling rain against the glass.

For a time in the small hours this was mostly drowned out by my upstairs neighbour making one of her occasional visits home to test her stereo. Louder and louder it became, audible even through earplugs and a hat. But after a while I realised I could hear another noise too, a restrained but insistent knocking on her door. It was one of those well spoken young hippy chaps from the flat below the flat below mine asking her politely to turn it down. I said it was noisy, didn't I? In her befuddled state it took him a few goes to explain who he was and what he wanted but eventually she grasped the notion and complied! Much thanks for this very acceptable turn of events.

I'm grateful too for more or less mastering a rather tricky urostomy chore. If you don't have one you don't want to know. Or put it this way if you don't have one and you do want to know I think that's a little bit strange!

Getting a snooze on

Gratitude this morning for a relatively sound night's sleep...despite a welcome morning nap and a late afternoon siesta yesterday! I've decided to adopt a policy of not trying to try harder for which I'm truly thankful.... I think those who ask how I am would like to hear about progress in restoration of vigour but either I'm going to have to lie or they are going to have to lump it...and I don't do lies I'm afraid, not even white ones to make other people feel better.

It's dawned on me that as very few already not particularly well people look after themselves after such major surgery, pretty much no one actually has a clue what it's like. All those cheery suggestions about little walks around 'the house and garden' probably assume that this is while someone else is making the meals and getting the washing done. As long as I'm performing the essentials (and I decide what they are, OK?) I'm snoozing as much as I like...or even more so should my body think it's necessary!

Thanks for the sight of clustering sails of yacht club races bunching up through the narrow channel in the sunshine and storms over the weekend. For making myself a 'proper' lunch with vegetables and cheese and seeds. For a brilliant documentary about the Baka in the Cameroon rainforest in the 1980s. There's a sequel but I think it might be sad. For lying in bed at ten in the morning and no one around to tell me I ought to get up or being begrudging about bringing me tea!

To be...

Gratitude for a lovely morning here...it doesn't make the slightest bit of difference to me but it's nice for those who are able to get out in the fresh air. I hope you all have somewhere pleasant to be today with good companions or furry pets...a garden to tend perhaps? A trip out for lunch? If you're not feeling well I hope you have someone to thoughtful to pamper you... If none of the above...yeah, it sucks doesn't it? Here's what I'm going to do...open the windows wide to let the breeze and birdsong in, close my eyes and dream...

I'm grateful I have my Radio Times...it makes the programmes look so much more inviting than EPG or those tacky soapworld listing mags. I'm grateful to Clive for finding time for a bit of a text chat and telling me it's colder out that it looks...and for not telling me what I missed in the Grand Prix!

In less pain yesterday I did more and ended up hurting...so today I'm grateful for the luxury of a morning in bed, for fetching myself toast and tea and for remembering that when you have nothing very important to do it's a good time just to be...

Reap what you sow

First of all thanks to Dave Lamb. So many evenings he keeps me company watching people eat and makes me chuckle to boot! Some of the people he comments on are pretty droll as well...but it's important to remember how ever deluded or even downright obnoxious they may seem, they are not the ones with only flat screen friends to dine with. People in empty homes shouldn't cast aspersions...

For years I've struggled with all the enforced solitude that comes from not being the way people like people to be, and of course the more I'm on my own the worse I am at company but I realised something this morning that made me feel a bit better. I can be grateful that the people I'd like to see are somewhere they'd rather be, doing things that they prefer. That is actually comforting.

On the other hand I've just read another article about how exercise is good for depression...especially doing it with a friend. I can't fault the truth behind it but why oh why don't people think what they are saying sometimes? How many thousands of isolated immobile people are going to feel even more miserable after reading that? It's like showing a plate of nourishing food to a starving person and telling them they'd be healthier if they ate like that...

I'm grateful I have less pain, and that sometimes for a few minutes performing basic tasks doesn't seem like an impossibly arduous chore. Sometimes I even imagine myself going outside and posting a letter at the end of the terrace. In your post op notes they say it will do you good to walk round the house and garden but I'm not sure which one they have in mind!

I'm grateful for finally finding more info on a story I first heard on QI some time ago. It's true, and, I think, hilariously funny despite the fact that some of the people in it came to slightly untimely deaths. I hope Gladys and Harry got to stay together and continue having lots more age inappropriate fun. http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brewer's_Rogues,_Villains_and_Eccentrics#section_2

I'm grateful for lots of lovely refreshing rain (and hail and thunder and lightning!)

I'm grateful to Laura for bringing me some bits of shopping and doing a few chores about the place, decorating and otherwise.

Research has shown...

I've decided to do some wishing today. There's things I want more of...don't you?

May I have more compassion
May I have more tolerance
May I have more generosity
May I have more opportunities to do good to others
May I have more forgiveness

Meanwhile, I'm extremely thankful for what I've got...

I'm grateful for completing the two tasks I set myself yesterday pm...brushing my hair and washing up!

For finding an article in Positive News I'd missed before about the Charter for Compassion. Look it up if you've not heard of it either...all kinds of interesting stuff there. If that seems like too much trouble, or perhaps a bit 'religious' for you just now click on this instead...which is coming from a different angle but brief and useful too...
http://neuroethicscanada.wordpress.com/2011/04/27/the-science-of-compassion-2/

It made me realise about the neurological benefits of merely thinking about doing a good or kindly thing even if you don't actually do it. Now I'm not suggesting you stop doing the caring things you do but it made me understand more about meaning well...and then not following through. For me personally it's not nearly as much of a buzz as actually doing something helpful (nor is it actually as beneficial to anyone else apart from yourself!) and I began to wonder if there was anything else helpful to others I could be doing right now and got one of my charity craft projects out - a simple garter stitch scarf in multicoloured yarn - and knitted a couple of rows. It's so easy to excuse ourselves...I'm too busy, too broke, too tired...or even I do enough already. But how many of us really have no more room for a little more charity in our lives and hearts?

I'm grateful for all the happy heads that sun is shining on, for earth that's grateful for rain. I'm grateful that three weeks ago I was lying on an operating table having organs pulled out of me like a string of sausages and I'm still here to tell these tales. I know that many fall on uncomprehending or unheeding ears...someone actually described this blog as being about my 'battle with cancer' the other day which mystified me somewhat and I apologise to anyone who thinks that's what it is as you must feel sorely shortchanged on gory details! There are some fine blogs on battles with cancer, much praise to my friends who keep or have kept them. This is about finding joy...though the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Neither do you have any spiritual leanings at all to be aware that there is more that you could be doing to make *your* world a better place. I'm grateful to my far from fluffy friend Jared for posting this link on Facebook. Don't let the title put you off (it nearly did me, though the coincidence with what I'd been reading earlier made me read it anyway!), likewise the apparent subject matter...they are examples, OK?
http://www.staplenews.com/home/2012/4/12/the-science-of-hate-self-hate.html

High as a flight

Ha ha! If you search for the Orb's original Little Fluffy Clouds on Youtube without choosing your words carefully you're likely to come up with videos of contrails and ufos as well. Kind of appropriate I guess...What were the skies like when you were young? Full of diamonds?

OK, for anyone who missed out on a misspent youth/middle age today's post starts here! with a link to great pictures of contrails and planes and fluffy clouds too...
http://www.darkroastedblend.com/2012/03/jets-clouds-effects-ephemeral-sky-show.html

I had interesting but mega busy dreams last night and am quite exhausted today. I'm grateful I've negotiated some learning curves relating to new physical 'arrangements' and that extra rest between activity will give my body more chance to heal. I give thanks for a tasty stir fry I made last night (no wonder I'm tired...all that chopping and standing and stirring!) and for be able to doze on the sofa with some Barleycup and fig rolls and an old episode of Cold Case instead of washing and getting dressed. One of my mottos is to do to yourself as you would have others do to you and what I'd like best is for someone to tuck me up on the sofa with a hot drink and a biscuit or two so that is what I've done. It's also quite nice not having anyone around hinting I should be behaving otherwise!

I give thanks for the feeling of clean skin (yes, I got round to it in the end) and for finding something no doubt less nutritious but far less energetic for tea today. I give thanks that the day has clouded over...sorry if that's selfish but dull afternoons are better for British naps. I'm grateful that I've got some washing done and hung and particularly that none of it will need ironing and that we had a little bit of sky gold at both ends of the day yesterday.

Winsome

My hospital discharge letter suggested blood tests 1-2 weeks afterwards and when a community nurse came for a mandatory check I was managing the stoma OK 2 days later we worked out today would be a good day to fit into the timescale and avoid their busy Bank Holiday schedules. We checked on the calendar for the date and I rang my GP practice requesting the appropriate form be sent to the team and the receptionist and I worked out what we thought ought to be on it as no one had actually said...

Last Wednesday the nurses' office rang up and said they were running late that day and weren't sure if they could fit me in. I explained they didn't need to. Yesterday they rang up and said they knew I was due for bloods today but did I know why I was down for a Tuesday visit too? I suggested it might be that, despite repeated explanations as to what I was going into hospital for, the implication on my need for nephrostomy dressing changes might have been misinterpreted... or forgotten... or ignored....

This morning a community nurse rang up and introduced herself slowly and carefully...Yes? I said. 'I've been asked by the GP to come and take some blood from you...did you know about that?' Sometimes I'm not always as polite as I might be...but I give thanks that she accepted my later apology.

When I went out with Laura yesterday we spotted that a hose had been recently attached to the leaking overflow directing the water down the downpipe instead of through the 'repaired' flat roof. Gratitude to whoever came up with this bit of diagonal thinking...

However, today there was a bill for my share of said flat roof 'repair'...without a summary of rights and obligations but with threats of legal action over non-payment of previous service charges also without this document. I made a long phone call to Leasehold Advisory Service just to check I (and even Pat) had not overlooked some special loophole that meant demands for payment didn't have to be made in the prescribed manner if your name was Martyn Ashcroft or you lived in Torquay and played golf for instance but they assured me it's not negotiable, debatable, or in anyway related to the reasonableness of the parties concerned or the charges contained therein. It is the law and he can't take me to court if he's not acting within it himself. You might think I'm being petty here but it's the only part of this whole horrid situation about which right and wrong is clear and unambiguous. He can slither and dither and wheel and deal and bully and badger but the fact remains, no likey no cheque!

Anyway I'm exhausted after an hour or so's admin. I give thanks for a cup of Earl Grey tea and a couple of delicious oat biscuits left over from a Christmas present from Amy which sufficed for breakfast and lunch, for the zombie idleness now causing my arms to stretch out for remote control and cosy throw, for having a remote control and cosy throw and for a pretty golden dawn this morning which seems such a long time ago!

Out for the count

I give thanks for a trip to the outside world...it was big and shiny and moved around a lot! Gratitude for the delights of typical traditional April weather...diagonal streaks of darker grey as sharp showers fall out to sea, the sudden whitening of hail, sparkle of sunshine on wet leaves after. Laura took me for a little drive and scenic potter to a teapot and scones. It was the furthest I've walked so far and felt like miles but the sun shone on us all the time we were out of the car and even dried a seat for us when I needed a rest on the way back. I felt a bit of a wuss until we counted the days since my operation and then I thought of myself as amazingly powerful and strong!

The nurse is coming to take bloods tomorrow for the lab to quantify my amazingness...but although the medics set great store by the levels of this and that as far as I'm concerned it's how I feel in myself that counts. I've been fit as a fiddle and miserable as sin, and at death's door and perfectly content. I may be stuck to the sofa this evening due to exhaustion following exertions, kidney failure and/or cancer, because I've had a serious operation not long ago or because I'm just laughably lazy but honestly as long as I can extract some pleasure from horizontal inactivity I don't care at all.

I also give thanks that the swelling and bruising is going down. Parts of me looked like an OTT CSI special effect for a while...or the kind of injury they warn you might find the images disturbing of on TV. Even though you know it's natural in the circumstances it's rather disconcerting when it's you. For the sight of hedgerows lush with spring flowers, and for getting my hands on a TV paper not full of soap updates. I actually went into a shop for this...that's how desperate my need!

Empathetic

I'm grateful I've been suffering a bit less the last couple of days. Physically there's a lot of stuff going on still I'd rather be without but mentally I'm feeling a bit stronger. I hate it when I start feeling sorry for myself, I mean seriously what use is that? Once in a while someone else feeling sorry for you can be handy especially if they are well and you are not but if you are on your own 'Woe is me!' does not get the washing up done! Better to apply the serenity prayer to things...if it can be made better, do it and if not just accept and move on.

There were a couple of people who had said they would come and nurture me a little and they didn't. They were people who had said how much they relied on nurturing after they had been in hospital so I thought they had meant it...and perhaps they had but it didn't fit into their plans after all. To be fair they only knew what it was like to have someone there, they couldn't really imagine what it was like without, or perhaps they tried and didn't like it! I wish they hadn't said it because I was waiting and hoping, you know but that's expectations for you...and I'm sure they meant well. It's been tough but what doesn't kill you etc. I survived and I do understand there are things a lot more fun to do with time off work afterall. I'm grateful for the opportunity to become more aware of my own inner strength.

I give thanks for the fresh washedness of the morning. For hot water heating for fresh washedness of clothing and bedding and me. For another rest in bed between the processes of getting ready to deal with the day. The outside world for me later...am a little trepidatious (wearing proper clothes! other people!) but there's time yet to prepare... Maybe another chapter of that good book before I make a move bathroomwards.

Breaking free

I don't know...you wait all your life for a flying car and then three turn up at once! I'm not kidding you - there is footage on the BBC website of an American one that turns into a plane, a Dutch one that turns into a gyrocopter and, from a few years back (but new news to me) a parajet one from Wiltshire. All the accounts had an 'every little boy's dream' tone to them which made me wonder what little girls were meant to dream of...adjustable length hair like Tressy perhaps? (I've had issues with the gendering of toys since my first traumatic trip to Santa's grotto when my big bro got a plastic battleship and I got a plastic doll!) Anyway, I don't know about you girls and boys but I think having a choice of flying cars is amazing and something to be grateful for in an abstract kind of way...

I give gratitude for the weather too today, blustery and showery, just right for a walk on the beach or a drive across the moors. Of course until I get the flying car I'm stuck indoors but I hope many of you are enjoying that kind of activity...or even a visit to a shopping centre if you're that way inclined! If you've been checking without success for news reports of my outing, Laura decided tomorrow might be a better day to go and who am I to argue? I might feel a tad more vigorous after another twenty four hours but I'm not going to be a very droll companion anyway, hobbling around dishevelled and possibly less than fragrant...and as likely as not drawing attention to myself by groaning now and then...maybe I should ask her mum if I can borrow the zimmer frame?

I do feel it's important to be in proper clothes and in the outside world at least once this week and at least once a week thereafter so I can start to feel more normal. Well what passes for normal for me anyhow...

I give thanks for a great documentary with performers, directors, physicists, a geneticist and an anthropologist talking about reality and perception, inspiration and creativity, knowledge and belief with special reference to deserts and Cirque du Soleil. Very uplifting even if it stopped me uplifting myself from the sofa for a while...

And for a washing up liquid bubble playing with me in the kitchen...It wasn't quite as lively as the little tree outside which refused to stay still to have its photo taken but which has a few clusters of bright green leaves emerging here and there among the buds and branches...


I give special thanks this afternoon for the news that Tony is home from hospital again...and all the well wishes in the world that he stays there for a while!

Novelty

Gratitude for ideal late Saturday afternoon snoozing weather...mild enough to have the window open but too damp and grey for the neighbours to be having barbecues or mowing the grass. For a the sight of a perfect round yellow moon rising over the trees. For a clean made bed to get into.

For some pleasant TV. I'm not wild about talent competitions but oh my word do I love the audition stages when contestants surprise us all with their unexpected skill or spirit. Sometimes you can tell when they're going to be good or at least the kind of performance they aspire to give by by their appearance or voice. And that's OK...I'd rather watch someone be good than bad even if the act is a bit predictable. This year's BGT so far I've given thanks for the Sugar Dandies gay male ballroom duo and the large heavy metal looking teenage tenor, for the Zimmers for fighting for their right to paaaarrteeee...for the Mend who looked perhaps they might but who did a brilliant Dock of the Bay (one of my fave songs anyway) and who had a white lead vocalist who reminded me of a young Ali Campbell by sounding so black. I'm aware the previous paragraph may mean very little to many readers so if you're puzzling it can simply be translated as lots of happy gratitudes!

Today I give thanks for getting up and dressed, for keeping myself lightly fed and watered, and, if not getting the washing and washing up under control exactly, at least stopping it from running riot. I give thanks for enthralling novels and nature programmes and lots and lots more naps in between.

I may venture outdoors tomorrow...it'll probably make the local news if I do!

Sweet surprise

I give thanks for a delivery of lots of unnecessary things to eat. When you're appetite is jaded I think it's best to give it whatever it fancies for a while...how lucky I am to be able to pick and choose and have someone bring them right into my kitchen! Meant to order some Cadbury's mini eggs but forgot...but when I went down to let the delivery man in there was a packet of the very things arrived from Bob in the post! Excellent timing...

Gratitude too for Laura's willing hands - bed remade, a bit of ironing done, new kit stored away more picturesquely. I'm sure there are people who don't mind their homes taken over by surgical supplies. Heavens, we all know there are probably people who would pay extra for the privilege! Not me though...like my bedroom and bathroom to look as normal as can be...and now they do! Of course there are various agencies that I could ask for help from but from the literature I was given it seems that you mostly have to plan well in advance. With things like a bed that needs changing this may not be possible...and if you've not even registered yet and it's a very long Bank Holiday weekend you could probably weave new sheets before anyone came to change them. No probs, tis done (and I had a sleeping bag ready in case out wasn't!).

And I also give thanks for seeing adults swarming through one of the big gardens opposite earlier. After a few moments puzzling as to just what it was they were doing round the chicken pen, greenhouse, slide etc it dawned on me they were hiding Easter eggs for a hunt...and then a little after came the children to look for them. Not sure which group enjoyed it more...brilliant!

Time for a little nap for me. I hope you're all enjoying the weekend - spending time with favourite people maybe, going to favourite places, doing favourite things.... Special thoughts to those who can't do what they'd like best to, those in hospital or recently bereaved...

Home help

To be honest I wouldn't really recommend this. The surgery is OK - you wouldn't have it for cosmetic reasons but it works OK and it's an amazingly clever reassignment of bodily parts when think about it. No, what I'm talking about is looking after yourself during recuperation. If you want to prove you're tough row across the atlantic or something, and preferably be sponsored by the mile! Certainly don't do it alone if you have thick curly hair! (I was going to add 'don't do it unless you're in the peak of fitness before the operation'...but if you were you wouldn't need it, would you? Duh!)

I'm good though, grateful for my resilience and resourcefulness. Grateful I feel a bit better than yesterday when I really, really just needed to lie down. I am taking it absolutely as easy as is possible but you still have to eat and drink, and keep yourself, your clothes and immediate surroundings clean and so on. I'm not doing anything that could be left undone I assure you, nothing that wouldn't get worse or harder if it was.

I'm grateful that the Tesco man is coming, that Jenny brought the empty green trays up from the store when she was here and that Laura who is coming later might take the spare ones down. I'm hoping she might help put some clean sheets on my bed too, if it's not asking too much. The old ones had to come off, that's for sure! I'm grateful that I've had a shower and washed my hair...and I think the Tesco man and Laura might well be grateful too, ha ha! I give thanks my afro comb has come back to me after wandering off into another dimension for a couple weeks. That helps a LOT!

I give thanks for the full moonlight glowing through mackerel clouds last night. Awesome sight!

Lots of love

Look at all the cards I've received in the last couple of weeks or so! Thank you everyone!

Thank you for your messages too... And for great visitors yesterday. Rachel came in the morning bringing some munchy treats from the knock down section of her local 'alternative' supermarket. They have the kind of food I like and lots of bargains and she's brought me some delicious things before. Today it was spinach and ricotta pasta and olives! She also gave me a mini acupuncture tone up, just a few quick needles in and out but I swear I could feel the difference later. Then Jenny came and did some heavy chores and as she likes to iron sitting down we sat down next to each other on the sofa and had a great chat, getting to know each other better... and then Helen came and we had an astonishingly deep one about what 'god' really means! She also brought a bit of veg I asked for so I made myself some proper tea with all the good things to eat...and ate it all!

I give thanks for a very restful evening after all the excitement and particularly enjoyed Undateables. The narration made a big thing of how little experience the participants had but it didn't seem incredible to me. I've never ever been out on a date in the sense that someone knew me a little,and thought they'd like to know me more (and yes I have done the asking too!). I've 'lonely hearted' a few times over the years both pre and post internet and think the sum total of men I actually came face to face with was three...last time that happened would be...um...(counts on fingers...starts another hand...moves on to foot one...foot two...)...at least eighteen years ago!

However I've got together with the poor so and so's I have got together with over the years it certainly hasn't been by means of 'dating'. Lasso works well in the first instance I've found, followed by superglueing them to the seat next to me! Now don't go commenting about how lovely I am and all that, I know that, just joking and no self esteem issues at all... even though I'm somewhat less obviously enchanting nowadays...these guys were only 'poor' in the sense of 'not excellent' (for me). I haven't met anyone (yet!) I thought was really special who reciprocated...or vice versa. And that's part of what was inspiring about the first episode of this programme. It showed you don't have to give up wanting to choose even if your choice might be limited. Bring it on! Let's get everyone down off the shelf and pumpkinned to the ball!

I give thanks for anyone on this planet ever who has flown on the wings of love...who has been part of a happy couple, a warm family bond, a lasting enriching friendship. For anyone alone who has found a source of loving feeling within themselves by nurturing plants, or caring for pets...with creativity, compassion, appreciation of nature or journeys of the spirit. Do not score or compare your love - seek only to give more.

Wonder window

I hope all my friends (and family!) north of here are keeping cosy, safe and warm. I hope that you can stay home and drink hot chocolate ie. that your electricity is still on!

Yesterday evening one of the bands of storm cloud hovered over the edge of the land for a while creating a stunning effect of dark silhouetted branches against pale turquoise water and white light sky. Later, after nightfall, the almost full moon illuminating the sea had me catch my breath as it always does when I catch a glimpse. Today the sea and sky are almost exactly the same pale grey and it's only when the waves break into foam you really spot the difference. I give thanks for my wonder windows and all that I see.

Three people have offered to visit today...fitting me in before the long weekend I guess, for which I'm grateful, but four is too many (Jenny is already scheduled to come and clean the bathroom, vacuum the floors and iron my clean pajamas - yippee!) so I've had to ask some if they mind rescheduling. I really appreciate people offering to pick up a bit of shopping on the way. How thoughtful! Soon I'm going to run out of cash though and then I'll have to get out of the flat so that is good. Hopefully by then I'll have an offer of a lift and can ask for a drive by the sea!

I'm not going to give you much in the way of recuperative updates. Talking about health matters more than is absolutely necessary (ie. to professionals or perhaps to someone with exactly the same condition to pool knowledge) is, always seems to me, such a waste of our precious time. Our bodily malfunctions demand enough attention as it is - don't let's spend talk time on them too! I'm not interested in pushing myself or aiming for any particular goals. I'm mostly looking after myself in a situation when most people don't feel capable. That's wondrous enough!

But out

Last night I realised how grateful I am that I'm grateful. I wasn't born like it..or rather I was as all of us are, but soon picked up most of the ways of most of the world and though I've a long way to go to shed a lifetime's accumulation of grumbles, it's such a relief to have made the decision to be on a different journey.

After the week of enforced proximity to a lot of 'normal' behaviour I'm deeply grateful to be home alone again and in limited contact with that flow of blockedness sweeping me down the drain of life. I know it's selfish but I find it so tedious listening to negativity even when it's dressed up as something nicer...like sympathy, or concern that something unpleasant isn't going to happen or 'sharing' when it does.  My exasperation is not entirely without compassion though because when I think or speak or write of happier things I get a bit more of the happier feelings and when I remember some dissatisfaction I relive a bit more of that. I know we're all the same in these reactions and I want you to feel better too!

There is so much around us to praise and appreciate, and the more you do it the less time you have to concentrate on what you perceive as wrong... I'm grateful that I have a home. I give thanks for the windows and walls, and ceilings and floors. I'm grateful for the stairs that carry me up to the view. I'm grateful for carpets and curtains, furniture, appliances and utensils. I'm grateful for mains electricity and water, for postal deliveries and rubbish collections, phones and internet at home. For food and warmth and satellite dishes and sewage pipes. I sit here day after day in wonder at the privilege of my life. My glass isn't just half full, it positively brimmeth over! So does yours. Stop right there. SO DOES YOURS, OK? Don't say 'Well of course I appreciate this or that but...' Enough with the buts already! You have the things I mention above = your cup brimmeth. You have access to goods and services? Money coming in to pay for them? Means to collect them or get them home? Someone to love? Brim, brim, brim, brim brim..

In the last few months I've been told by a number of medical professionals that they think my mental attitude has a direct effect on my physical wellbeing. Cancerchat readers will have read that this has been scientifically proved to be a myth, and I have to be honest with you, we are all going to die of something or other sooner or later whether we have a happy attitude or not. Not only that, but we'll encounter plenty of brown and sticky things before we do. It's not so much a case of squeezing your eyes and fists tight shut and telling yourselves that bad things aren't going to happen if you believe it hard enough...but believing that you will be OK no matter what. OK deep inside beyond any part of your body that can hurt or stop working (or that scientists have found).

I am deeply grateful that some of the people trying to make me better lately, including the surgeon who operated on me, understand there are things beyond their power and potions. He believes in listening to and involving his patients their care. He wants us to feel participants not helpless victims and this one reason he's so keen on getting his colleagues around the country to switch to enhanced recovery programs stop forcing lots of unnecessary interventions on us just because that's the way things were done before. He went to a conference the day after operating on me (I'm so grateful he fitted me in first!) and came back bewildered that so many hospitals are in the only slightly light ages where surgery is concerned. Average national hospital stay for an op like mine is eighteen days...in some places it's twenty-seven. Presumably childbirth in those starts with a shave and an enema and ends with two weeks 'lying in'!

Anyway I said if he needed any help preaching to the unconverted to let me know...meaning I'd be happy to talk to prospective patients who might think they weren't going to be cared for adequately but he started talking about speaking at another conference which might be a tad beyond me. I suggested perhaps I could write something, and he said maybe a sort of talking heads film of me for him to show. We'll see. A perceptive and aware consultant must struggle against as strong a tide of prejudice and convention as a perceptive and aware patient...the two together has got to increase potential for buoyancy. How happy I am to have had the chance to meet and talk with him! What a change from some of the others I've encountered like that horrid palliative care nurse who kept telling me I had to face up to how ill I was. I understand she's left the hospice now...got tired of waiting for me I guess!

May you all be well, may you all be happy, may you all be at peace...

Snow flakey

Gratitude to Laura for coming to see me yesterday, delivering some bits I needed, taking some rubbish away and making me a cup of tea. In the course of our conversation I realised I was giving thanks for some strange sounding things...for not being a man (as the post operative phase after an operation like this is probably more stressful for them), for not having anyone to look after me (as they might not let me do just as I like, when I like and so on) and for having spent a few years already unwell and alone (as I don't get as obsessed with bodily malfunction as one who has an audience might and have also become very adept at judging when to push myself further and when to STOP!)

I don't really like dwelling on symptoms, or attaching too much importance to outcomes, as you know, but on the whole I'm grateful I feel a bit brighter than yesterday when I felt worse than the day before... I give thanks to whoever thought of sending me a graze box to the ward...and to the ward for ringing to let me know and offering to send it on. I give thanks that it's still mild enough to have the windows open and snooze in the fresh air on my sofa... I'm grateful for pictures of snow covered Scottish gardens where people were doing summer things a week ago and for snowy blossom on a tree just down the terrace...

Home entertainment

Another gently sunny day. I give thanks for the sight and sounds of it and yesterday for those of the nicer neighbours out enjoying it. Chap next door playing his acoustic guitar and the hippies downstairs picnicking on the lawns, practising their bongos and hula hoops. I loved it!

I give thanks for getting the jobs done I set myself...going down to the front door to let the nurse in, detangling and washing my hair, getting things out of the freezer, heating and eating them and washing up afterwards. Today, likewise, I've ticked off changing my stoma bag, having a shower, making a couple of phone calls and putting the washing on and getting it out again. So another busy day, eh?

In between I've mostly been dozing with a book or TV, no live sport...far too energetic! I am grateful that I'm perfectly content with this and I'm afraid for now you must be too. Once again apologies to those who are awaiting a response but writing this has taken hours and I don't want to write emails or other messages out of duty... Maybe later, maybe tomorrow, we'll see...

I'm grateful for the excellent Room - a very well chosen book from Bob, and for Heinz Farmers' Market soups. Ring pull tins and actually taste of vegetables!

Positions

This morning I give thanks for the sight of blue sky and sound of birdsong through my bedroom window...

that I've made my tea and had my bun and can doze awhile again

that there's no one around who might think it's funny to play an April Fool's prank on me!

for painstakingly re-mastering the art of lying on my side (literal use of the adverbial here)

for finding a more comfortable way to use some of the kit I've come home from hospital with and for coming up with ideas for further improvements...I'm going to have a go at making some accessories when I'm better and/or seeing if there are any consultancy design positions going. Clearly the people who produce a lot of the various stoma and catheter stuff have no real idea what it's like to actually live with it night and day...or else they do realise and dismiss our sensibilities as of little consequence.

for pause, rewind and fast forward on TV...in my opinion it was only half invented til those came along and I missed them so much while I was 'inside'!

Thanks too to Laura who came up to visit and help even though her car, and town, is out of diesel!

Finally apologies for tardiness regarding emails and so on. It's pretty awesome how well I'm doing but I have had a lot done to me and do need time to mend!