Metaphorically speaking

Sometimes I write paragraphs on here and then delete them as inappropriate content. Sometimes life throws up things I take a while to see the opportunity in, and do a lot of expressing to myself in the meantime to get to the point of accepting, and accepting the gift.

Not getting what you wished for can be a gift, as can not being 'got'...or being forgot! I've had times in my life when I've had people to talk to, personal friends or trained professionals...but you come to realisations yourself when you are ready to, no matter what answers or advice you receive...and I'm grateful for pausing, considering and deleting from time to time...for all I learn along the way, in my own way... Gratitude too for the peace to enjoy an assimilation and assessment day, a duvet day of sorts. 

A paucity of social contact can be a blessed thing, I blunder so through the minefield of what should be said and left unsaid, what should be done or felt...and I give thanks for appreciating myself, which for various reasons not everyone does! I give thanks for a sliver of sunset last night and slice of sunrise today. For some cheering messages from friends and inspiring words and images on websites including optimistworld.com...oh and that you don't need to put http:// or www. any more! For the washing up done and some forgotten toffees remembered...

 The majority of the communications I receive are spam comments on here, automatically generated and generically worded in ways to approximate praise and perhaps a query or request (with various degrees of success). I'm suspect there may be a metaphor in that!

Swiss roll

I'm grateful for a better night's sleep. The joints have been rather more generous lately and I left my bedroom heater on 'anti freeze' so the cold didn't wake me up either. For waking up to a beautiful sunny morning (when I'd de-fogged the window) with a bright white plane and contrail slicing across a deep blue sky.

The weather was too glorious to miss and I was very grateful for getting myself moving and out there before my dental appointment and between that and the acupuncture one... Numerous mature couples were heading along the sea wall to marvel at the mudslide now blocking too much of the line for any trains to be running at all, but I had to get back into town and enjoyed watching an enthusiastic black lab running for a ball instead. Last week it was all grey and churning spray and this time flat sea and pools reflecting the shades from above. Always changing and always wonderful...

I'm grateful my dentist was able to restore a 'restoration' and my Radar key enabled access to a clean, spacious and necessary loo...and for one last broccoli and stilton turnover left for me again at the Swiss patisserie. I took it down to eat by the beach and then went back for one of their special handmade chocolate novelties for a gift, and then couldn't resist one of their little handmade chocolates to try...only it was nearly needle time so I got one for Rachel too...and then afterwards what goes around came around and the shop owner made her a big mug of tea with the treat of a Christmas cake slice from the same bakers and Rachel shared those with me!

She had to go for her next patient then and I looked out of the window as I finished my portion and saw this strange shape in the sky. It seems almost familiar but I can't think why...

Give us this day

Well, yesterday was a day and a half by my standards. Despite being nourished, nurtured and entertained I was pretty much ready for bed by the time I'd been up for twelve hours. We'd already ascertained that Peter's nearest rail station was only doing buses so a trip home would take a silly amount of time and he'd offered to drive me to Exeter St Davids. We set off at random o'clock not bothering to aim for a scheduled train as the schedules seemed to be totally out the window due to floods on the main lines. When we got there the departure boards showed two trains heading west one in about 45 mins, one in about 55 so I went to the ticket office and asked if both stopped here and the young women spent ages looking at her screen and finally said they were hoping to get one out in a few minutes and to listen out for announcements. And there was indeed one and I was indeed chuffed to have it just when I needed it...especially when it set off and I realised not only were trains on this line running to fit in with replacement buses from elsewhere...but due to a mudslide on one track they had to negotiate their timings so they met at the place they could shunt backwards and forwards and pass! This meant a silly amount of time on a train but that's better than a long bus ride AND a long train ride by far! So much gratitude to Peter and the staff who were all being so friendly and helpful, including turning the heating up to tropical temperatures. I'd not felt properly warm since I got on the bus to Exeter in the morning and suddenly I was boiling hot, but the upshot of that was that when I finally arrived here I abandoned the idea of seeking a cab and walked up the hill to cool down. Walking uphill and needing to cool off both almost unheard of these days...

We'd been in Sidmouth earlier and I'd continued my quest for a loaf of rye mix bread. I know it exists...you can often get in in the nearest Co op and Tesco but not for the last couple of weeks, so that means bread with no rye or all rye and I like in between so I ask in every bakers I find. None in the ones in Sidmouth, but we went in a (literally) 199 year old grocers and general store to look at the amazing vintage woodwork and found they had one loaf left of the very stuff. I have tried it and it's excellent...and also huge, so three quarters are in the freezer to keep me going for a while. It has a rather handmade feel to it, though perhaps not quite as much as the ciabatta a baker I saw on TV earlier describe as having the a pre cooked texture of the 'inner thighs of one's best beloved'!

I'm grateful for some very speedy ebay purchase/delivery turn around times this week. Especially delighted to see a very narrow but 3 ft long parcel containing carpet door plates in the place where a doormat would be if there were one inside the communal letterbox...there's no reason why it shouldn't have gone through but I somehow thought I'd have to go down the sorting office to collect it. 'Do not bend' it says on several places on the packet...I know I'm a bit of a weakling these days but I think you'd have to be trying pretty hard to do so!

Finally grateful for the very slow speed with which I've progressed through this day...love the gadding about but it tires me too! Today I'm going even slower than we drove through a rather deep flood remnant yesterday...

Funny old thing

Yesterday afternoon I was fretting a little that my Tesco delivery might not come as I hadn't had the text advising of the likely time in the two hour slot and it was right at the end of it when the man with the van arrived. The note to call on arrival was missed off his list as well but he thought it sounded like me and decided to ring anyway, though he didn't need to as by then I had seen his van and was on the doorstep panting for provisions! I'm a bit of a food hoarder, I wouldn't really have gone hungry for a while, don't you fret either!

Later I had 'her upstairs' having a drunken rant on the landing that the the freeholder wanted his money and I'd better get my finger out etc. The tribunal decided some time ago, as was only right and proper, that his only legal recourse to payment was to request legal sums in a legal manner and I really do wish he would and be done with it! I was very grateful I had the chain on the door though quite what it had to do with her I'm not sure.

This morning I was grateful I remembered my skirt! If you've been wearing leggings for a few days, tights on their own feel not too different but, I suspect in this funny old thing we call society, they would not be considered acceptable attire! I was grateful the hospital was warmer than the bus and the surgeon, treated me with the good humour and respect I've come to expect from him...though I realise it's best to have as few expectations in life as possible! This afternoon I had an even more delightful than expected trip out with Peter, taking in places I'd not been to for years and even some I'd never been to before! And as afternoon turns into evening I am experiencing something I honestly cannot remember the last time I did...I am having my dinner cooked while I do whatever I like! I like this a lot! Though using someone else's computer is proving surprisingly challenging...if there's legibility and intelligibility in this post there will be post post gratitude I'm sure...

Old guys rule

Last night I gave thanks to Richard E Grant for showing us some more fantastically extravagant hotel glimpses. I don't have Sky for its own channels and the premise of this programme would normally have left me disinterested, but his charming exuberance makes it especially entertaining. Some are born middle aged, some have middle age thrust upon them and some rebel against its onslaughts with a defiance that would make a teenager proud...Bring it on, Mr G! Respect also to Alan Rickman (always, but particularly) for appearing a) apparently naked and b) in romantic competition with Colin Firth in his latest comedy film. Not bad for nearer seventy than not! I wonder if they adhere to the guidelines on here....'studies have shown' chocolate, marriage, housework, muscles and t-shirts (From Old Guys Rule?) keep men in good condition  http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/5-surprising-health-boosters-men-091909713.html

For some reason talking of superannuated adolescence has reminded me to give great thanks that Peter has agreed to meet me after my appointment tomorrow for a drive down the other side of the estuary and a spot of late breakfast. Me and that bony dude with the agricultural implement hung out together for long enough for any emotional support to be largely unnecessary even if the news were not healthy, but it's an hour each way to the hospital on public transport and it would be good to do something else with the day when I get there.

I give thanks for the ever changing weather prospects and performance. It's so strange to go to sleep with a storm raging at the windows and to wake up and it's calm, the sky is streaked with watery blue and the birds tweeting updates to all around. I give thanks for being able to enjoy the drama without any crises, for being (mostly) warm and dry throughout the storms and for a Centre Point advertisement reminding me not to be smug about being snug...

Also for the golden hour which brings autumn colours to the tree outside even when the branches are bare...they won't keep still in the breeze though!

Suffice it to say

What a delightfully Sunday day it's been. I'm grateful for a humungous lie in, followed by delicious sweet potato, parsnip and ginger soup making and, just as I had started creating a chocolate spice cake to follow, as unexpected visitor. Well who could blame them eh? It did smell good! So I had the great pleasure of company for lunch, and also someone to share the fun of the spectacularly entertaining Brazilian Grand Prix...plus lots of lovely cups of tea made for me! Can't think of anything else really...but hey, nothing else is required...

Having a tinkle

Sometimes I don't know what I'm going to write on here. Sometimes I don't actually feel particularly grateful for many aspects of my life. There are things I'd prefer considerably less of, and others - not the things that Mastercard is any good for unfortunately - of which I'd like a whole lot more...

Something I've noticed though as the practice behind this blog becomes more of a habit is that despite despondency and even despair about such matters I can remain aware of, and aware of gratitude for others. So I'm very grateful for that! Last night for instance, with a very uncomfortable body and mind, I could still appreciate the relative comfort of my bed.

Today I've been grateful for clothes to keep me warm and dry, leg strength to take me down to the sea, and cosiness to come home to again including a large jacket potato with leeks and mushrooms in cream cheese and pesto sauce. For people to chat to a little while, for a hilarious episode of QIXL from a few weeks ago and that my grandmother's musical box that stopped working thirty years or so ago...until last night...is still happy to provide a tinkle whenever required!

Flow(er) power

Felt a bit sorry for myself yesterday morning, so very grateful when I went to see the sea and it was so fabulously rough and churning. Very exhilarating, and the stiff wind blew my troubles away...very nearly blew me away once or twice into the bargain. There were various folks taking pictures but I could hardly hold my camera still and decided after watching the ITV crew filming an item that they'd have the best shots and to leave it to them! In the end they scrapped most of the talking but kept footage of the train winding beside the crashing spray to show over and over again on the main and local news...describing them as a 'tourist attraction'...can't argue with that!

A tissue was whipped out of my pocket when I got my gloves out before crossing the road and I was a bit annoyed as I hate making litter and there was no way I could catch it... However, it blew down the street towards the seafront, met a gale coming round the corner, rounded a car and started back up the other side coming to rest at my feet on the opposite pavement without me having to go out of my way at all. I couldn't believe it! This was after acupuncture obviously...when my super powers are at their strongest! Going with the flow(er) power...

I'm grateful for a better headspace last night and this morning, for which I thank Rachel profusely as usual. The treatment is wonderful value, especially as I get a free chat and hug as well!  Today I've been really appreciating a quiet day with not too much bustling about. Can't really get into anything but it's amazing what you can achieve when you're not involved in one particular task or project. It all goes to slow the flowing drain of deconditioning...

Day of the living

There've been a few opportunities in the last week to stretch myself physically and I'm grateful for those, as if one stays too much within a comfort zone one can find its boundaries shrink. The comfort zone of my body is encompassed by the tasks required to keep it and my home running but sometimes my spirit needs more than the carefully paced instalments in which this is normally carried out, and if physical ability is not to deteriorate further, it's important to literally keep as active as I can even if I can only do so for short periods of time...

I'm also grateful I now recognise the very specific symptoms of renal insufficiency fatigue...otherwise I might think there was something the matter with me! It's not like the flu, or 'normal' exhaustion following exertion, or convalescence...though it's similar to all three mixed up with a hefty dose of zombie thrown in. You'll have seen it in the movies, I'm sure...unseeing eyes and stumbling gait? Yep, classic signs of advanced kidney malfunction... The state of the clothes? Well, the associated neuropathies can make taking a pride in your appearance a burden. Of course I'm not personally craving human flesh yet...but anaemia and poor protein absorption could lead to that, you never know!


Watched a BBC3 programme made by UK young people very unhappy with their bodies, filming themselves and the treatments and procedures they go through to change their appearance. Very moving in several ways especially just after reading of a teenager almost dying of cold and malnutrition in the thirties...

I'm in grateful awe of the mystery of life for providing these random juxtapositions the better for me to contemplate the mystery of life... The Wikipedia page about my elder siblings' father followed by the programme made for care home kids, seeing film of my grandfather on my own father's birthday, a TV famous person I thought I used to know not writing back to me while one I correspond with has a programme dedicated to his infamy...and other serendipitous synchronicity I've mentioned here.

OK, I'd better get on with getting myself outdoors again. I really want to try walking down the hill today though it looks as if the wind direction may be against me...

Dropping off

The sun was up, the sky was blue...Yes, I was out to enjoy the view, and despite the dire weather stories you will have heard the afternoon was rather pleasant! I had too many things to do in town here to fit round my treatment tomorrow so I borrowed some of tomorrow's energy to do some today and organised a break in the bad weather to make it less of a chore...  although I was very appreciative of the sounds of the storm from snug inside my bed as I fell asleep last night...

Yesterday I also gave thanks for my totally delicious tea. I'd promised myself something easy, maybe just removing a cardboard sleeve and film lid as I felt so bushed, but there were things needed eating up and I came up with a recipe that didn't take much work and work that could be done in instalments with resting in between - baked slices of aubergine, topped with red lentils cooked in chopped tomatoes with onion, garlic, garam masala and paprika, and then grated cheddar and smoked cheddar with mixed seeds (sunflower, sesame, poppy and linseed) melted on top of that, all served with a little jacket potato. I would have paid good money for that...well, I did anyway but you know what I mean! Followed by date and cinnamon porridge for breakfast and a fresh baked lemon meringue pie for a lunchtime snack my taste buds have been particularly thankful the last twenty four hours...

The pie came from one of the new cafes here and I took it to the sea front with an enormous take away cappuccino as it was far too nice to be indoors. Another new cafe? Yes, we do seem to have a 'let us eat cake' attitude to the recession here. There are places closing down of course, but there were five soon to be ex Shoezone staff waiting outside their closed on Monday store for the lorry to come and clear out the last of the stock, cheerfully smoking and laughing and drinking Red Bull obviously oblivious to the fact that a more miserable demeanour might have been expected... 

I'm grateful for several great bargains among the things I'd gone to buy (all the more money to buy cake you see!), and can confidently predict that, should I be able to stay awake til tea time, I shall be removing a cardboard sleeve tonight as the shopping bags became rather heavy with serendipitous swag and I still haven't recovered enough to unpack them. I'm also very grateful that I have something of this nature to eat...and that I've been out so much the last few days to enjoy the autumn colours because there's hardly a turned leaf left on the trees in Devon now.

Recess

Even the footballing cat has been quiet since I got home yesterday and I've been very grateful for the peacefulness to enhance the great taking it easy that's been required. There were several things I felt I ought to do this morning, for various reasons, and I was much blessed by an 'unputdownable' book that had to be picked up again and again on little rest breaks between these tasks. It's a compilation of writings by Helen Forrester about her suddenly poverty stricken childhood in the 1930s and it reminded me a little of The Little Princess I read and re read as a child. Comparisons to others' lives are not, on the whole, a good idea but it does depend who or what you compare yourself to and reading a true story like this can remind us of the great good fortune of our times, depressed and recessed though they may be...
I give thanks I've finished my Christmas crafts for the stall and hope that some purchases are made and my favourite local charities can benefit. Looking forward to getting back to some other projects again...Gratitude too that my new steam cleaner fits so neatly in the Henry bag because Henry's don't, do they? And I'm grateful that this post has posted so neatly as the new Blogger interface, Android and I have found ourselves less than compatible at times *
I'm very grateful to Laura for coming to help with the I just can't do it myself any more this afternoon. It's a shame our plans were more grandiose than our capabilities given the timescale allowed and she had to dash off leaving me with a lot of stuff needing putting back where it belonged and a large urgent vacuuming job needing doing. I'm grateful I've done some of these jobs and can get to the sofa again! Methinks there won't be a great deal of moving off it for the rest of the day...
* pre post positive affirmation, not post post comment...

Now now people

When my alarm went off this morning I wasn't even the teensiest weensiest bit grateful but I knew I had to get up and eat something before my pre scan fast, and I did give thanks that I did that in the allotted time. Often I can happily go for hours into the day with nothing more substantial inside me than a Yeo Valley yoghurt, but you know what it's like when you're denied something - you instantly and persistently desire it. Getting ready to go out all seemed a tremendous effort...and then, at last, I was on the train listening to favourite tunes and watching the sea getting all worked up and moody and full of the joys of appreciation again. Particular thanks to Canned Heat today. I was twelve when I first heard Let's Work Together...'Ooh, what's that?' I thought, 'I'd like some more of that!'

The things I wanted to do in the city centre went smoothly...I even found a cafe where the food was resistable! I was very grateful there's a bus right to the hospital door as I was shattered by then...so also quite content to sit down for an hour with a horrid drink and and interesting secondhand book I'd bought at the shop at the station here for that very purpose. I give thanks for wearing clothes that were easily take off and put onable (remember the central heating tortoise?) and surprising the other patients by going round collecting their empty cups to throw away (everyone always just sits holding them like it's part of the procedure!)

Great thanks, if no great surprise, that the major rain held off until I'd caught the bus home...and that it was still daylight when I did so I could see the sea (in a right strop by then!). Grateful too I could keep eyelid and sofa glue at bay until I'd changed into tracky bottoms and fluffy socks and had a cup of tea...and that some kind and thoughtful person has left a pan of veggie stew out for me. Now who could that be? Oh, yes...me! Thanks me!

Sunday me

I felt particularly grateful today for clean sheets on my bed...for the fibres and dyes, all the processes and personnel involved in their production, for the water and washing machine and power and liquid to make them clean, for air and warmth to make them dry, and for the strength to iron them and put them on my bed. I'm grateful for my bed, the pretty frame, the mattress and protectors under me and the covers above, for the sunlight streaming in the windows keeping me cosy this morning without any heaters on.

I'm grateful for the excellent drummer living across the road, for the hasty tasty sauce I made microwaving frozen raspberries and raspberry jam, and that I've somehow just about managed to avoid an afternoon nap. This is best if you've had a long lie in and are planning an early night, I feel, but I won't be out of the danger zone til I actually get back in that bed!

Afterglow

Today I'm still in a state of mild intoxication from the treat of a day out! They are rare enough...but a day out in pleasant company with a car? Can count on the fingers of one hand this year, and still have a thumb left over, if not a finger or two too! Very rare and special pleasure...and great thanks to Peter for putting up with my wittering and childish delight so amiably!

When I woke in the night with knees giving me gyp I was able to remember what I'd used them for and not mind - they can hurt if I do nothing at all and that is a bit harder to be grateful for! I gave thanks for remembering that I'd remembered to buy proper Tiger Balm (the pound shop stuff is pointless) but couldn't be bothered to get out from under the cosy covers to try it. This morning I have tried it, not with great optimism as I associate it with muscle pain, headaches, coughs and colds rather than joint pain (I've been an occasional user for many years and have even been to the Haw Par Gardens in Singapore which probably means nothing unless you have too!) but I decided the natural urge to rub a sore spot combined with the fiery afterglow would be a topical distraction at least. And indeed it is! Now I've looked on the internet and see the original balm and various off shoot lotions and patches are used by many arthritis sufferers who can't take anti inflammatory meds so I've also the glow you get from having a provenly bright idea!

The weather yesterday was rather like it is today, soft and still and mild and actually rather pleasant though not obviously appealing to the untrained eye which is probably why everywhere we went was so luxuriously empty...we had a small cove to ourselves and most of a rather large and often teeming tourist attraction comprising rustic thatched hamlet and small stately home with a church in the surrounding parkland. Ideal.

I didn't take many photos but there are images etched in my memory of the strange coloured and patterned stones on the beach and the amazing bright yellow leaved (beech?) tree not in the park but growing out of one of those little squares of earth in a pavement. I thought I'd see what time of year it was pictured on Streetview and it's amazing on there too because as you go from one click to the next it goes from buds just opening to pretty much full leaf. Heck that car must have been driving slowly...or else the tree grew very fast!

Today I'm grateful I've bustled about a bit while the daylight lasts and that now as it begins to fade I can exercise the remote control and biscuit tin instead of self control while waiting for the slow cooker to do what it does best...

In the pink

*Picnic on the beach sitting on my coat...and it being mild and dry enough not to be wearing it... *The amazing shades and shapes of the stones...mostly pink *Homity and Heidi pies to share for tea, and pleasantly strange strangers to share the table with *A street tree so brightly and profusely leaved we turned the corner and both thought it was an orange Christmas tree *Hot chocolate in night sea view cafe...oh, and lots of other splendid things to numerous to say...

Flaky

Last night I gave thanks that my nights are usually better than that...nuff said! I used the time usefully experimenting with crochet patterns in my head...I want to make some mini snowflake/stars...

This morning, still feeling wan, I gave thanks that there was no one to 'look after' me as if there had been I'd have stayed in bed and missed all kinds of delights of the day!

I'm grateful that I got that jumper finished with the stripes and flowers and crochet trim. Picture to follow but I'm wearing it just now...always a good sign with a home made garment, though I can see some might think 'you don't have to be mad to wear that but it helps!'

I gave thanks when I tracked down a prescription having a little wander round town after the doctor's surgery closed for training this afternoon and that the friendly and helpful pharmacist, coming out of the chemist door as I went in, asked if I had come to collect something and delayed going off for his lunch break while it was found and issued. Small town special that one!

I'm grateful to Rachel for great acupuncture structured for my particular needs today...I wanted to feel purposeful and strong and buzz about achieving things not stare at the walls going 'yeah, man!' today. I tried out some of my crochet ideas when I got home and they worked OK, completed the ironing started yesterday and started making some snacks for going out tomorrow to finish off that puff pastry.  All that and it wasn't even half past six.. amazed and very pleased that I can flake out now if I need to with impunity...

Stocking up

Well, I'm very grateful my sofa is actually a bed as last night I decided to get in it not long after finishing my blog post and could doze in comfort in front of the TV knowing that I had nothing else left to do... It's been a rather energetic week for me so far and I felt I needed to stock up on zzzs a little before round two. I caught up with this week's Come Dine With Me, marvelling at some of the characters they come up with ('cos I'm so normal obviously!) and other undemanding fare... This morning I had a humungous luxurious lie in...and this afternoon I made some more mini stockings...Excellently restful day!

I give thanks for it being mostly peaceful around me and within...particularly enjoyed my Shiatsu and brief meditation this evening. I don't do it every day but I always feel better when I do and am grateful I've resumed the practice which I started almost thirty years ago...and to Sue who showed me the positions in the first place. I give thanks for balsamic vinegar on my breakfast (no, not porridge today!), cookers with glass doors (and lights!) and Applewood smoked cheddar which turned a quick veggie bake into something extra tasty. I think it was the only part of the day that's been quick...delightful!

And relax

Early yesterday evening my neighbour upstairs stumbled home just as I was about to do my Shiatsu and meditate, so I was very grateful when things went so quiet afterwards it seemed she must have gone straight out again. The session went well and gave me a lovely mellow feeling which lasted through my tea and bath. I found myself giving thanks yet again for hair to tie up and warm water to wallow in, and wondering if I'll ever take them for granted again. Mr Rhodes made me laugh out loud once more, this time for managing to combine Aberystwyth camera obscura and Lady Gaga in the same passage...they could set that as a challenge for creative writing students I'm sure! I even remained philosophical when her upstairs awoke just as I was drifting off and hauled me back to awakeness once or twice even without being especially unreasonably noisy. Poor sound insulation blights many properties...Laura lives in quite an old terraced house and says she can hear the man next door blowing his nose! You can hardly complain to Environmental Health about things like that...

Lots of thanks for getting all the chores done today including stowing away the Tesco delivery. It was a much bigger shop than I usually do but as a result I had a £12.00 off voucher plus I saved £19.12 in special offers...result! Also for putting some of that defrosted pastry and homemade mincemeat to good use by making a few quick mince pies for an afternoon snack with Laura...and to Laura herself for covering with lining paper where the damaged wallpaper had to come off in the kitchen. It's a bit of wall that's even more unattractive when naked as when covered with stained wallpaper so this is rather a relief. I'm grateful I've managed to throw a few odds and ends together for my evening meal and that it's cooking as I write this, as I suspect when I've finished I won't feel like doing anything more lifting a fork and clicking a remote control for a while. It's been a busy bustly couple of days, and it's great that I've risen to the challenges but time to climb back down again now...

Wind up

Yesterday I was out enjoying the late autumn countryside in sun, today I'm tired and want to take it easy and it's rather been rather grey and damp. Oh, happy is the life of a weather goddess!

Last night after struggles with the TV (it's only a tiny thing that needs adjusting but you need to move round large heavy things to do it!) I'd pretty much run out of steam and daylight to do anything very creative while watching it, but I did put into action a cunning plan I'd had for saving (without tangles) short leftover lengths of that multi coloured yarn I've been using. Ta daa! Inspired by those little thread cards you get in mini sewing kits, of course. Bit of old cardboard box, away you go... 

I wrote that earlier and now am winding down after a day that wasn't actually all that restful! I give great thanks today for finally getting the freezer defrosted. It had got to the stage when the door wouldn't close tightly and then it becomes urgent whether you've eaten all the ice cream or not! I hadn't...and there was quite a lot of other stuff requiring preserving in its solid (and weighty) state but, apart from some pastry, everything survived the ordeal including me, and the pastry just needs to be used which isn't so dreadful is it? I'm grateful too for a hefty Tesco order on its way tomorrow taking advantage of many special offers to stock up with non essential nibbles for the coming weeks as well as normal shopping items. For the last of the golden leaves hanging on on the trees outside to astound me with their brightness and for an oh wow glimpse of pink stripey sky just after sunset today.

Precious

Mmm, ylang ylang in my bath yesterday... how essential is that aroma?  There was a large handful of Epsom salts as well, and I'd drunk both cider vinegar with manuka honey (and lots of hot water!) and Silver Needles tea during the day as well to try and shift the joint pain and I give thanks a) for thinking I can help myself, and b) that they are less stiff an painful today. I don't care if I'm kidding myself, if it's a placebo effect or whatever it was that well intentioned man on Cancerchat used to say... quackery and lonely old woman wanting to feel better about themselves? Something like that anyway... The thing is I feel physically a bit more comfortable today and I'm quite comfortable with whatever the reason may be! 

I give thanks for the absorbing novel I'm reading by Dan Rhodes. I like it so much, as indeed I have others he has written, that I feel almost like writing to tell him, but I'm kind of off writing to people I don't know, who might think it impudent or who might wonder why I think they should care about my opinion. I guess if I was on Twitter I might tweet him...if he was. A job for a little bird called Dan O I think! You never know about people do you? You might think because you have things in common you are friends in some way, and one of the things I like about his writing is he writes about things like that. He also includes bodily functions, not in a prurient way but as if to counter balance the curious rule that they are omitted from most fiction but are a part of fact. This used to puzzle me a lot as a child when I first learnt to read proper books and watch films and TV programmes. Mr Rhodes also (through a couple of his characters) uses a particular expression for the way artists talk and write about their work which is almost exactly the same as the one I use myself but I suspect some of you might not want to hear on a Sunday, so I'll omit that too!

I give thanks for an enjoyable few hours with Clive who agreed, as he'd the use of a car, that staying indoors on such a glorious winter's day would have been rather a waste. I'm grateful for the jobs he managed to squeeze around a magical mystery tour to find a spot to eat our mince pies with clotted cream and drink our flask of tea. We ended up on a village green in warm sunshine and very nice too.

I'm grateful I've managed to persuade a loose cable connector at the back of my Sky box to fulfil its purpose a little while longer as I'm out of warranty with the kit, that I've managed to remember how I made those flowers for my new jumper as I've decided I want a couple more and for freezer released left over veggie curries for my tea.

This post is dedicated to Duncan, who lost his precious grandad today and to Chris who lost all that was precious to him and who died in what First Great Western called a deliberate non suspicious act not far from here or long ago. Sometimes words fail me...

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I was grateful when it started raining...as it made me grateful I hadn't gone out! Actually no, more than that...I love the way when it's hazy you see the layers that comprise a 'hillside' or 'headland', so that what looks like one when it's bright and clear reveals itself as two or more.  And I gave thanks too when it stopped for everyone enjoying a weekend out and about of course!

I'm grateful I've had lots of different things to do today to spread the strain over various achy joints, and for the new steam cleaner to take the place of elbow grease. It replaces cooker top grease with gleam as well which I tend to prefer, don't you? I'm also giving thanks that the freezer's (long over) due for a defrost so cooking and washing up are not featuring greatly for a few days...for candy floss clouds this afternoon and almost matching sea...and a pot of Silver Needles tea.

Lazarus with a glowstick

I give thanks for yesterday being such a fabulous, mistress of the universe day. 

It did me good to walk down the hill, limbering up my limbs a little though I was still very creaky and achy. It was mild and still and patchily sunny with the turning leaves looking extra glowy in the light and a treat not to need my coat done up or gloves on. I was umming and aahing whether to go to the veg shop first or the supermarket, and the veg shop won as though all I wanted to do was drop off some used carriers the big bag of them I had was rather bulky. They were absolutely delighted as they had just that minute run out so I had that lovely synchronicitous feeling, as probably they did too! The supermarket was rather unco-operative but making the joke in my head while I queued amused me, plus there was a cute older bloke to admire (only slightly more common than unicorns, I find!)

When I got to the Triangle the busker with the violin who's sometimes around was setting up. He has a built up shoe and crutches, but his playing has wings and all our spirits soar and the people sitting outside the cafes applaud. It makes a lovely accompaniment to my treatment too. Rachel was delighted with the jar of mincemeat I'd brought her and we were swapping mince pie tales. I remembered coming home early from working in the market one snowy day just before Christmas, taking the dog out for a walk in the grounds of the castle across the road and coming back to find Bob had made mince pies, and she agreed that was Christmas in a box with ribbons on. Afterwards I popped into the Swiss patisserie opposite for a broccoli and stilton pasty, delighted they had one left as they've often run out by the time I get there...and then outside there was a woman outside with a blue roan and tan cocker spaniel puppy the same size as Fraser was when we had him and just as keen to be petted by all and sundry. Love on legs is a cocker spaniel and I was suddenly longing for one of my own again, though luckily the price she'd paid soon brought me back to reality... 

I was dithering again...should I go straight home or linger longer...and I thought I'd just see if the lunchtime sandwich bar had any milk left as they also tend to run out....and they had just enough for a takeaway cuppa for me. Up until then all this had happened on with the violinist providing a varied selection of background music but when I went in there all I could hear was their radio or music player. I was primed for an aural comedown...until I realised it was playing Basket Case! The woman was humming along as she made my drink and I said this is one of my desert island discs, in fact I sometimes think I'd like it played at my funeral. And the guy said 'Do you like Green Day then?' as if it was a strange thing, and I said yes but this track specially so. And we were chatting away for a while about the video and so on and then I went outside and the violin man was playing Pachelbel's Canon...which, as I've mentioned before is another thing I've thought of having played at my funeral and is actually arranged around the same chord progression. Oh well, I thought, maybe this is it for me...Maybe I'm about to swap my mortal coil for a cloud of coincidence. I'll certainly die a happy bunny if it's now and I'm very honoured to get to hear the tunes played together whilst still in my body but I hope I get a chance to eat the pasty first! And I'm very grateful to say I did, sitting in a quiet sea front corner marvelling at how calm the water was, reflecting the various colours of the sky. 

I came home and still not hurting or stiff and revelling in it...like Lazarus with a glow stick I was! Making tea was interesting as my normal ideas of what went with what and how seemed to have been blown out of the window. I had enough common sense left to realise one pan/pot was probably best, with oven cooking so I could wander off safely, but I'm pleased to say the strange concoction of various ingredients that needed using up was actually rather yummy...kind of like risotto only with couscous, feta and veg. If I can remember exactly what I did, I'd definitely do it again...

Setting up my new Streak was pretty simple. It's definitely a newer model, it has a bunch of extra built in apps (most of which are of no interest to me), a slightly different key pad including a smiley selection button and other little differences but nothing too demanding. I decided to set a few bookmarks and typed 'losing the will to die' into the search engine for the first time and it came up with the suggestion 'losing the will to die blog'. Realising this Google word association was created by people who aren't me looking for it was, honestly, one of the most amazing experiences of my life. So thank you, all of you for that!

As if

Yay! My new Streak is on the next leg of its journey, travelling with Rachel to the acupuncture treatment rooms. Mercury in retrograde is not the easiest time for getting a replacement phone and there have been a few hiccups and hiccoughs along the way. Luckily I've been able to coax the screen of the old one by keeping it fairly still and turning it off every time the lines start to creep across it. If you've not had a broken LCD screen you might wonder what I had for breakfast, but if you have you'll be nodding sagely I'm sure!

I didn't give thanks for falling asleep straight after my tea yesterday but I know my body must have needed the rest...and I was very grateful when I woke up very late this morning and remembered, when I went into the kitchen, that I'd stirred myself to do the washing up in between! I never sleep straight through...there's always a stirring and rearranging of limbs and tubes with grunts of discomfort and pain, and bed covers - I have a small range of comfortable temperatures and am easily too hot or too cold. In the morning I sometimes wish there was someone there bring me a cup of tea...but in the night I'm grateful I have no one to disturb, and also that I don't have to get up to pee fifteen times any more! This morning all the joints were very stiff and sore and getting out of bed and getting the necessaries done seemed as likely as climbing the Himalayas as I felt as if I just had...So I just lay there with my eyes closed grateful that for a little while I didn't have to try. And then the sun's rays hit the bedroom wall in such a way that they landed on my face all warm and encouraging...and gradually, with lots of sitting down bits, I've got all the many things done I have to do before leaving for the outside world. Particular thanks, now that I'm dressed, for remembering to remove the scratchy label from a newish T-shirt. Time very well spent!

With knobs on

This morning I decided to stay in bed, the better to admire the new knobs on the merchant's chest. I'm very grateful for the opportunity to catch up with lying down and that I could afford some new knobs for my old chest...see, me and Katie Price we have more in common than you might imagine! 

Contemplating this piece of furniture set off a chain of gratitudes. It bears many scars including scrabbling spaniel's claw marks but still is so beautiful and useful to me and I'm sure it appreciates the new knobs and drawer linings, and the extra polish I gave it as well.

When I was a merchant this actually stored my wares but thinking about it, I realise it's become a repository for memories now as much as for things. I'm grateful to Nat who witnessed me falling in love with the item on display in MFI fifteen years or so ago and who kindly offered to operate plastic on my behalf as this was before I had any of my own.  I give thanks to the trees for providing the wood and the workers who cut the pieces and packaged them up in cardboard and delivered them to me. I'm grateful I was in finer fettle then and could assemble the hefty flatpack myself...nowadays I find just carrying the drawers hard enough, and yesterday all but the smallest had to be taken individually to the kitchen for their makeover. I give thanks for all the people who've helped me move it around over the years, and mend it when it's became damaged in transit too. For my good fortune in having possessions to store and a solid and comely place to do so...

Of course, there are things that have to be done here apart from delight in a chest of drawers and eventually I got up and did some. Not many...I'm not at my best today. I'm grateful there was some tennis on TV and I managed to stay awake for most of it...and that I got the peas out the bath. No, that's not one of my many typos...I do mean peas... but my hands are too tired of typing to explain. Be happy for me even though you don't understand!

Bright and beautiful

Mmmm. Date and cinnamon porridge again today. It's what winter's been waiting for!* 

I give thanks for the dazzle of sun on the sea through the increasingly bare branches outside. The angle of the rays this time of year can make it almost too bright to look at sometimes...

I'm very grateful that, by light of day, the swag from yesterday's shopping trip still seems so splendid...Naked bath foam a snip at a pound a bottle in Savers...Naked is a brand in case you're wondering. An Argos 'value range' drill...I remember when 'value range' meant things like watery tinned tomatoes and sawdust tea bags, don't you? A titanium bit and driver set. Sequins and Stanley carpet blades..Miniature bows, boot socks and a second hand novel. I like all kinds of things...

I'm grateful too that although I'm very tired today I have a much better reason than just boring old health problems - collecting and carrying all that stuff was quite a physical task!

Gratitude to Laura for coming to help with some of the jobs around the place, including putting my new drill to good use enlarging the holes on my dresser drawers so the new knobs fit. Image to follow as they say...it's taken me about ten days to get the shiny sea one up!

*I wrote that earlier and then read Pat's comment on my last post...it's just oats cooked with dates and a sprinkle of cinnamon, in water or milk or rice milk or whatever you have to hand. It's how I usually cook porridge because it's so irresistible and easy and needs no extra sugar. Good job I'm not really Scottish - it wouldn't be allowed!

Good things...

The pain in my knees woke me up very early this morning...booh! And then the cold kept me awake...hooh! But then I got up and made date and cinnamon porridge...hooray! I had some rice milk to use up so I cooked the oats in that and it was so creamy and delicious...hip, hip, hooray, hooray!

That was my first breakfast...my second one (an early lunch if you're not a hobbit I suppose) was a fish finger sandwich. Great gratitude for that as well...the catering department here know how to set you up for a busy day! I'm grateful that Chris the taxi man was able to squeeze in taking me to the doctor's and that the nurse taking blood was so cheery and chatty and still able to keep to the schedule so that I could catch the bus up river for some shopping I needed to do. 

The bits I wanted were mostly to do with offering to make some 'little' Christmassy things to help fill up a friend's craft stall. I've been experimenting with my purchases and have produced just one item so far... When I say little...

I have a range of styles in mind dictated by the yarns and decorations I found. They'd be ideal to hang up for Santa to fill with little gifts like sweets, or money or jewelry perhaps...don't you think? Well even if you don't think, I think I'll be making a few more as they are easy and fun...

Finally tonight thanks to all those folks with money to burn who've been letting off such great fireworks nearby. There's a few organised displays locally this evening so I've been astonished and delighted by the quality and quantity of the back garden ones I've seen!

Combinations

Mmm, that was a wonderfully early night! I actually had one on Friday too and read a little before listening to the sound of waves breaking as I fell asleep, but last night I fell asleep before I'd turned out the light let alone picked up my book! The book was Julian Clary's Briefs Encountered and I have to say, for someone who can't answer a letter, he writes rather well (miaow!)

I give thanks for a very enjoyable Grand Prix. The Abu Dhabi trackside is stylish and beautiful and in a boring race can be a distraction, but this one was full of thrills and spills plus I'm always entertained by Kimi Raikkonin's 'And your point is?' style...Nordic Noir on wheels is Kimi!

Gratitude too for the inspired teatime idea of combining the recipes for spinach and feta pie and potatoes dauphinoise. Very good indeed, and if you want to know what inspired me: it was having no filo but some spinach and cream needing eating up...

Special thanks to all the neighbourhood souls who, despite the rain, have set off fireworks where I can see them from my windows tonight, and also to Bob for advising he is planning to come down again for Christmas, and I've put sausages and Coca Cola on my next Tesco order straight away!

Curtain call

Heavens, I'm tired! I was almost on my way to bed and remembered I hadn't written my blog...quick, I must think of things while I'm still awake...

I'm grateful for a wonderfully long hot relaxing bath yesterday evening...for the beautiful beaming sunshine warming up my flat in the morning and for bustling around a bit and getting the chores done before Jared and Tara came...and when Jared and Tara said they were delayed for finding something else to. I decided to take one of my bedroom curtains down attach the lining I'd partly made for it. Getting the knots undone in the Rufflette cords was almost impossible...in fact for a long time I thought it WAS impossible and I was berating myself for not tying them in the easy undo way I usually do however many years ago it was I last tied them. They were ready made unlined curtains first of all, and then they were given a sewn in lining, and then extended when I moved here with an extra pair I had, and now are having another lining layer added to be better insulated. This latest process had seemed to be a bit of a botch process and I was expecting to wince when I hung it back up but apart from the fact the hem is still to be done, and a visit from the iron wouldn't go amiss, it looks great and the curtain hangs so much better,  so I am grateful and astonished in equal measure!

I give thanks to Jared and Tara for the pleasure of their company and to Tara for treating us to fish and chips. For the fireworks and bonfire scenically positioned on opposite beaches, sky lanterns and stars and only the lightest of showers...and chocolate to eat in the cosy car while waiting for queues to clear. I'm grateful my bed and book are calling now and that I am free to answer them!

Dress down Friday

Well, let's see... I have to give thanks for dodging all the heavy showers the last couple of days. Today I've not been outside so it was pretty simple, but yesterday did tax my superpowers a bit. It went so dark during my treatment that Rachel had to put the light on to get the needles out! Afterwards, feeling a rather less achy and tired, I went to look at the sea and it was such a wonderful sight with the sky a dark blue grey and the water paler greener grey. The tankers and headlands were brightly lit by the slanting late afternoon sunlight and stood out very clearly detailed, looking like an improbable cut and paste, whilst the furthest parts of the coast appeared to be floating above the water on little mirage clouds of their own. Absolutely amazing! Since then the major challenge has been dodging the snoozes...

I give thanks for having my tea made yesterday evening, and company too...and for all the yummy leftovers that meant I didn't have to cook again today. I've appreciated a really lazy dolittle time with agreeably undemanding fiction and TV - Richard E Grant enthusiastically inspecting some lush hotels and a laugh out loud Halloween special Come Dine With Me. I finally swapped pyjamas for some old clothes as I wanted to put a bit of paint on a door before the last of it went off in the tin...and was very grateful to Laura for doing such a good job with the first coat so I didn't have to try too hard with the second! It won't be long before I change into my birthday suit for a bath and then back into pyjamas methinks...

Truly, gladly, deeply

I give thanks for a long deep sleep...and some very strange and entertaining dreams as well! For sunshine streaming in my windows this morning and a cup of tea and piece of toast and marmalade in bed. There's been a hailstorm with a rainbow just outside the kitchen window since then...it's all good! 

For the kitchen itself looking in a state of disrepair because we've started making good the water damage from upstairs rather than because of the water damage...huge psychological difference there... For hearing from someone who was struggling to keep the peace between two competing sources of help with a problem... and remembering that sometimes there is something worse than not enough! For finding a place that sells reconditioned Streaks...at very little more than the cost of getting this one repaired.

To Peter for offering to come round tonight with a takeaway or to cook for me...just what I could do with! And for watching my favourite episode of Human Planet again last night...the one about rivers, with the centuries old river mud mosque getting a fresh coat in time to protect it from the rains, the man crossing the torrent on a wire to fish, the children travelling for six days across the ice to get to school and the generations co-operating to build living bridges of tree roots. The tree root bridges are one of my favourite things ever...if you haven't seen them, they look like this http://rootbridges.blogspot.co.uk/