Predictably irrational

I give thanks for waking up in a slightly better humour than that in which I spent a lot of the night. For good bread toasted for my breakfast. For three fruit marmalade and crunchy peanut butter. No, I'm not supposed to have peanut butter but it's good bread so it only comes in little slices...

For a sunny morning with no inclination to battle the pain and lack of inclination to go out but having to, so making the best of it anyway. For a line of white washing flapping in the breeze. For room to squeeze my recycling in the the car park skips...

For the mesmerising waves at high tide today, and realising I knew the people next to me also gazing at them in awe. For the jet skiers jumping over the sandbar. For accepting the irrationality of finding them infuriating noisy show offs in summer, but in winter entertaining and cool. For accepting that the desire to experience a jet ski ride had better be added to my list that rhymes with 'bucket'...

For getting wet and cold when the weather changed and warm and dry at home. For the sky clearing to pretty clouds at sundown...

For an interesting book about some of the strange things that influence our decision making...selected after failing to get a response from someone as to whether the different one they were reading on a similar topic was any good, and thus an example (maybe). For finishing this poem...apart from punctuation (maybe)

Trust me

The one you see it is not me

The real one stayed behind

Inside a place I'd rather be

A time that seemed more kind

My puppet self can well portray

The character you're casting

You paint the scenes with words I say

The set and stage outlasting

The changing games of pantomime

My substitute can lose

The motley match and easy rhyme

That other fool can choose

The costume and the glib conceit

My wary wounds conceal

From other trusts that were deceit

From hurts that do not heal

If you could lay your mask aside

Your prompted script and cue

Then risking ridicule and pride

In truth I'd mirror you

My heart is hidden otherwise

My self held safe and tight

Reflections flicker in my eyes

But you'll not see their light

Feta compli

I give thanks for the seductively stormy weather - well it takes all sorts I guess but I love a good storm me! Unfortunately I was in far too much pain for it to succeed in luring me outdoors to fully experience its glory...it's been one of those days when everything has hurt too much to do much of anything for long... sitting, standing, lying sleeping, cooking, cleaning, typing, weeping...

I give thanks for rotating position and activity much as possible to spread the discomfort around. For simply resisting absolutely unnecessaries like brushing my hair, but sticking with the tasks where pay off is worth the discomfort - like making feta pastries. If you've ever had my feta pastries you will understand - little morsels of comfort for body and soul.

I give thanks for a vicarious hike in the Himalayas (ah, the Hunza valley - long have I dreamed!), and vaguely intellectual pointlessness of Endeavour (I've wanted to go to the Oxford Natural History Museum for a very long time too and it gets a look in now and then, plus I'm a sucker for a few bars of Barrington Pheloung and a spot of sixties memorabilia!)

I give thanks the neighbours have been much quieter the last couple of days - much appreciated! No, they don't read my blog...  I haven't forgotten the poem, and give thanks for your encouragement. On the last verse now (I think)

I give thanks for bright mimosa blossom in the rain...

Have I got muse for you?

I give thanks for the bright mild weather, ideal for being out and about. I give thanks for a double yolk egg for my omelette. I give thanks for sewing some seams of the garment I've been making up and slowly making, and yes it seems to be cardigan shaped.

I give thanks that neither my mind nor my body were in the mood for going anywhere today - it's easiest when they're in agreement I find. I give thanks there was no one who wanted or expected me to be anywhere - I'm in far too disagreeable a mood for that!  And yes, there might be some could turn my mood around but I would find it even more disagreeable if others seemed to have control over my humour, I'm sure, so I'm grateful not to find out!

I give thanks that the muse doesn't mind, she thrives on moody and mardy! There's me thinking I was going to be rewriting a story and suddenly there's a poem wants to be brought into being too... I don't know, anyone would think I had nothing better to do but sit about all day and...
Oh...
Yes...right...

It begins like this, and there appear to be a few more verses on the way. Let me know if you'd like to hear the rest. (I give thanks it's my blog and I can include them even if you don't!) It seems to be called Trust Me - she thinks up the names as well!

The one you see it is not me
The real one stayed behind
Inside a place I'd rather be
A time that seemed more kind

My puppet self can well portray
The character you're casting
You paint the scenes with words I say
The set and stage outlasting

Eastward go!

I give thanks for talking to Bob last night...for the first time in what I suspect was actually 365 days! We were commiserating about the perils of would be perfectionism in creative endeavour...and I give thanks he understands why I was, as we spoke, downloading a free office suite for my newish laptop so I could try to work on a story that arrived in my head pretty much narratively complete on a trip to Westward Ho! years ago, but which needs the necessary words more pleasingly arranged (if I can ever decide exactly what is most pleasing!)...and which steadfastly refuse to leave my head alone...

I give thanks the neighbourhood was quiet in the night so that I could fall asleep listening to the waves and wake to the sound of the wind. I give thanks to the Coen Bros for directing my dreams in between...

Today the aches have been a pain, but I give thanks for not feeling ill apart from the pesky cabin fever, nor particularly weary apart from weary of the world.

I give thanks for briefly braving the crowds getting rid of the excess pounds avoirdupois along the eastern beaches and then the pounds sterling in the shops...I give thanks they seemed to be having a good time...and that I liked the way the sea looked.

Radiohead

I give thanks for lying back in the bath with a special pillow for my head...it made the outside comfortable when the inside was uncomfortably listening to sounds of neighbourly discord and distress. I'm grateful only words were thrown and doors slammed this time...

I give thanks for some good bits in my dreams, and for managing to get my lethargy and disillusionment out of bed eventually to get on with the reality of the day. I give thanks for some bits that were slightly more nourishing to the body than munching junk food snacks, and slightly more productive than reading books and watching TV. I give thanks for even a few random bursts of stray belief...and to Terry Pratchett for the phrase.

I give thanks that folk seem to be in a better humour today for their sake; and for mine that there have been gaps in the radio listening that they prefer and which unfortunately I find most wearing - the kind with a thumping bass play list and booming speech between - also that only one household at once has been indulging their passion so it's been possible to avoid having to overhear to some extent.

It came into in my head to say I was grateful my drugs of choice are for the most part situations or activities that produce chemicals inside my brain rather than substances with scientific formulae...but when I stopped to consider the thought, I realise I'm not quite sure why. You still crave when you cannot have, and it still doesn't make you feel better - just forget for a while about feeling bad.

I don't know

After sleeping like a small broken twig in a big scary forest, I was very grateful when I finally made out of bed this morning to find John and Jo back with a cup of tea waiting and the smell of warm buttery pastries filling the kitchen. It is a mystery to me that people I've known for thirty something years are still happy to know me, in small doses at least! Admittedly it's only two people, and they come as a pair, and I know that most fifty something folk have gathered far more moss, probably even have people who've known them their whole lives and still want to, but I don't know what it's like to be one of those people. And that's why it's a mystery, and why I'm so grateful that they came and spent some time with me at a particularly miserable time of year for people for whom such experiences are...

I give thanks for their gift of a big box of Sanctuary goodies. It's very unusual for me to get big presents and I'm always very grateful for little ones, of course, but it made me feel special and kind of real somehow, which I know probably doesn't make much sense but it doesn't have to...feelings aren't logical and it's nice to have nice ones!

I give thanks for the quiet times since they left this lunchtime... I'm grateful of course that my neighbours are better at social interaction than I, but it doesn't mean I always appreciate listening to them when I'd rather be napping or curling up quietly with a book, or catching up with a few things worth watching on TV. After yesterday's almost non stop grazing I don't know if I'll feel like eating anything as big as a meal again for days... but I'm grateful there's lots of things left to eat when I do! I'm grateful for the prospect of a bubbly bath, a buttered crumpet and a mug of Roobosch tea, earplugs and Alan Bennett reading to me in my head.

Who could ask for moor?

I give thanks for a lovely Christmas full of favourite things including

thoughtful gifts, and even more for the gift of friendship...

for friends also wanting to do what I absolutely mostest wanted to do ie. go up on the moor for a picnic!

for a perfect gap in the imperfect weather and getting up to a tor so windswept I was very nearly swept away more than once - seriously hard work and slightly scary, but extremely exhilarating, and not cold or wet or too murky to see the view...though far too blowy to get a good picture. Jo took a nice one of the road on the way back though to prove we'd had the best and left the rest behind us!

for the sharing of (copious amounts of) good food ...including delicious home made soup and spicy sundries in the tinsel decorated car and left over trifle when we got home..

for and a deliciously darkly unseasonal TV drama to curl up in front of...and more helpless laughter than a glass of apple Bottle Green each and a sheet of slightly crumpled silver foil should logically have been able to produce...

Season's easings

I give thanks for everyone who reads my blog. I am honoured and humbled by your attention and wish you all whatever you would wish for yourselves this season..as long as it doesn't mean someone else doesn't get what they would wish for instead! If you grieve may you find comfort; if you are joyous may you pause to be mindful of your joy.

I give thanks for everyone who knows me personally and well enough to know, never mind putting up a tree or decorations, it's been hard enough to keep my smile up lately, and who've been doing what they can to make sure the elf on the shelf has the right kind of bracket below her eyes and nose. You know who you are! 

I give thanks for everyone who knows me personally, and who I haven't been in touch with recently. Know this not due to my lack of esteem or appreciation, but simply that I appreciate how busy and preoccupied you are and don't want to burden you with feeling you have to reply. You know who you are too!

I give thanks for the weather clearing up today so I could marvel at the juxtaposition of a cormorant fishing, a human swimmer, white horses over the sand spit, surfers finding a wave or two and sea going ships moored in the bay...oh and bunnies picnicking in the sun by the swimming pool! I give thanks I live somewhere where a moment's heart's ease isn't too hard to come by...

I give thanks for a twist of trans-Atlantic postal fate meaning there was a card waiting for me at the Post Office for my last pre-Christmas wishing visit. I give thanks for how many locals were shopping local, and for a Waitrose freebie cup of tea to pause with a while on the sea front without the milling crowds and the millstone shopping bags...plus a long late afternoon wallow for all the aches when I got home.

They also dance

Um...Well, let me see...I could say I give thanks for yesterday's evening of Romance in the air, but that would be disingenuous as it was due to choosing a different blend of incense when my favourite Celestial was out of stock! I give thanks for all the romantic outcomes featured on the last First Dates of the season though...love looks to be a splendid thing and I'm grateful for its magical mystery that comes in as many guises as there are participants. I give thanks too, as of course I must , to the also rans and bit part players...we have our roles to play...

I give thanks for hearing for the first time an exquisitely apposite quote from Gabriel Garcia Marquez...
'No matter what, nobody can take away the dances you've already had...'

I give thanks for not having to participate much in much today, as neither the spirit nor the flesh have been at their best. I give thanks for attempting a few trifling things... soaking sponges in port and making jelly for instance,  but energy, enthusiasm and even my low grade expertise were lacking. I give thanks that no one seeks my company for my haute cuisine...but that Laura bravely checked the state of the dessert with me after a serving of rustic pasta and we've declared it fit to share with Mr and Mrs Masterchef tomorrow!

I give thanks for the bright sunshine in the morning, just right for those bustling about... And for not being tempted to go to the Post Office to check if there's any more Christmas mail for me, as if there weren't I might have to go tomorrow and be disappointed twice...

Where do words come from?

I'm grateful at least Linda and Colin would understand the question, though I know they don't know the answer any more than I...

Waiting for a late bus earlier in the gathering gloom and strengthening rain, a man passed me carrying two bottles of wine, a small tool box and an enormous spirit level, and I thought I'd while away the time penning a witty ditty about shopping this time of year... but that's not what the muse had in mind...

Table of contents

Good will come of this
in short measures,
Not long 'til
still
we smile,
a moment stated
before the next
desiring

I'm grateful that following one of the worst night's sleep I've had for years I resolved not to let how rough I felt spoil anyone else's day... Of course I've no idea if I was successful in this mission, but at least I tried.

I'm grateful despite my phone flatly refusing to pass on any of her messages saying she was outside, eventually I looked out of the window and let Jenny in...and that she gave my flat a good cleaning while I persevered with plan A and went into the city to pick up something on Laura's gift list. I was grateful for the rare opportunity to be of tangible assistance to a friend, instead of vice versa, but when I offered I'd no idea what an exercise in patience and virtue it would be, so I'm grateful for that as well. I've not been to Lush just before Christmas before, but the way people were being congratulated when they emerged reminded me of making it back to the highway after a scramble down to the valley floor on the Kokoda trail.

I'm grateful for a long hooded coat, takeaway teas and a Transylvanian chimney cake (no, I hadn't either - look it up!) to refuel without running the gauntlet of marauding hoards of holidaying hipsters steaming up the windows in all the cafés I knew.

I'm grateful for coming across an Alan Bennett tome in a charity to keep my mind occupied in the deadened days ahead. He'd probably understand the question too...

Under sided

We're all swans...or submarines...or flotsam...with more going on under the surface than we show (even to those we don't have to put on a show for) and for someone so distant from closeness it can be easy to think your hidden side is so dark you're Darth Vader's wicked little sister, so I give thanks that during self chastisement for various thought crimes as I washed my hair, I stopped to rescue a tiny spider from the bath...and stopped to realise I'm not so bad really!

I give thanks for Jan's description of a particularly healthy vegan recipe last night making me laugh aloud for the first time for a couple of days (it's OK, she knows!) and, desperately trying to find something in a hurry to drown out upstairs radio when I was busy on line, coming across some reggae and ska classics on Youtube making me want to get up and dance for the first time in a couple of weeks... and remember my favourite ever version of Hurt So Good - by the Luminites in their BGT audition (which is padded on here by staged promo clips but is still worth a listen from about two and a half mins in https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=na2f2yLSwAg)

I give thanks for going to knit and natter and exchange season's greetings...plus secret Santa gifts that allocated themselves better than they might have done.

I give thanks for finally giving in to sales pitch for a Bodyshop card as I've discovered they do some pretty amazing special offers if you do, like 40% off, free postage and free tub of body butter...I give thanks that thus, after asking myself what I wanted, I have a suitable seasonal gift from me to me!

I give thanks for seeing Christmas decorations from outside. My commitment to sparkle is doubtful this year, and I'm finding it hard to summon up enough enthusiasm for so much as a twinkle in my eye...but glittery things in windows when I'm in the dark still transport me back to my four year old wonder at experiencing my first Christmas on the mainland...

I give thanks to Laura for spotting these in the woods the other day...I might be undecided about the festivities but I'm still up for a little fungi

I was going to say...

Well, I was going to say a few things today...

about how I was grateful I'd thought of some things to say... my perennial gratitudes for the little comforts and conveniences of life so easily taken for granted...and the ever changing wonder of weather and light and sky and sea...

about how I was grateful I'd invented some imagined purposefulness for my day and how grateful I was I was aware of the lameness of it even before reading this article over my morning cup of tea
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

I was going to say I was grateful I'd made a spicy stew to simmer in the slow cooker, and about how grateful I was, given the amount of garlic within, that no one would be stealing a pre-Christmas kiss...

I was going to say about how I was grateful to join the little crowds gathering to watch a helicopter land on the green, and the organisation of clearing bystanders and traffic, and manoeuvring of helicopter and ambulance so the trolley with the casualty could slide swiftly and safely inside....
...until the trolley finally emerged onto the tarmac with not only the casualty on board but one of the helicopter crew astride them giving constant CPR as they were wheeled along and as the flight took off and wheeled away into the air...

And nothing I could think of to say seemed to matter any more...

But I'm adding some of the beauty I saw on the way home anyway. Because if my time comes like that, as well it may, surrounded by strangers...just another day at work for some, a little drama in the day for others, I'd like to think that someone took a little time to honour me as a passing soul...

Works

I give thanks for the void avoidance of a long bath and a good book, the comfort of my bed and, eventually, the mercy of sleep... I give thanks for the sounds of the wind and the rain falling on various surfaces outside, and for the sight of lights on a coaster outward bound on the late night tide...

I give thanks for waking up late and seeing the bright blue sky outside my window, before I realised I was still asleep...and when I awoke for real for keeping my eyes shut and lying still as long as possible to preserve the preferred state of not participating in the day. I give thanks that I'm able to nod and smile and speak when I'm spoken to and stay quiet when I'm not, but it's hard work pretending you're working better than you really are...and I give thanks too for murky weather and no need to be anywhere and do so...  I give thanks for getting on with long overdue housework instead.

I give thanks for remembering this pleasing stile from yesterday, and also a little miracle of something I thought was lost coming back... It's probably going to sound a bit sad, as even in a gratitude blog it's hard sometimes to tell my life in a way that isn't, but I discovered that my piercing four fingered whistle works again again after losing the knack when treatment damaged my hands. To be fair there's not been a lot of call for this talent that pleases me so in recent years - most people are too far away now for it to attract their attention, and I've not been anywhere where it's appreciated to show appreciation for live music this way. But the thing is, and it's a huge thing I'd blissfully forgotten until Jenny demonstrated it again, is that when I demonstrate it people look at me with respect... and it's the only time they do!

I give thanks for a Facebook chat later with Jan that set me thinking about lack of respect, appreciation etc... I reckon it is a kind of blessing to have had little of this, my reasoning being that, though we're always led to believe it's something that can be earned or won through merit, in fact it's lack in the perceiver not lack in the non-receiver that's the cause. It's not delusions of my own unrecognised splendour that make me think this...just observation of the way our minds work when we justify not behaving as well towards others as we could, and a largely solitary unappreciated life is ideal for time spent working things out!

I also give thanks I'm going on an Unexpected Journey in a little while... anything that turns my mind off for a little while works for me...

Longs

It's always rather strange writing my blog at this time of year as people have more interesting things to do than read it and page views predictably plummet. So my first gratitude has to be that people have more interesting things to do! I give thanks for folk who have somewhere they belong and folk who long to be with them...

I give thanks for everyone who feels festive, cherished, celebratory, anticipatory...for all those who don't but find a way to get through the long wintriness of being on the outside of all that...and particularly the ones in the first group who try to improve the lot of the second.

I give thanks to those who take time out of their preparation and participation to spend a little time with me virtually or even in real time, like Jenny and Laura who both had busy birthday weekends but managed to fit in cuppas with me today to receive their presents! Special thanks to Jenny for needing shopping and driving me to and from shops to get some of my own in the process this morning, and to Laura who'd been cooped up with a horrid virus and needed to get out in the countryside so took me and my flask of tea along to tramp in the wet leaves at White Well and sit looking at this murky view.

Shorts

Even the shortest days can seem very long so I give thanks for making my way through another

I give thanks for a mild night so I could leave my bedroom window open, and the wind being in the right direction so I could listen to the waves

I give thanks for the sound of the rain when you're warm and dry

I give thanks for making a start on some tasks I want to be done rather than be doing

I give thanks for the sky clearing before the sun went down making pretty light and tinted clouds

I give thanks for Rachel's courgette and brie soup which I've been rationing to make it last, and an episode of Fargo which I have also

The article and the wave

It's been necessary to be early to bed and late to rise recently, so I give thanks the novel I'm reading contains history, natural history, oceanography and hints and tips on Zen thinking (and non-thinking) as well as a well written storyline, thus comprising a whole bookshelf in one! I gave particular thanks for the (surprising but appropriate) page I read this morning where a Buddhist nun was on a beach comparing surfers to waves, though it made me yearn to go to waviest beaches north of this county or the one next door and watch the long lines on the water roll in from the horizon to rise and break before the shore...and have to talk sense to myself instead... 

I give thanks for attending instead to my resolution to offer more metta towards myself - I'm so much better at remembering to practice forgiveness, compassion and tenderness where others are concerned...

I give thanks for persevering and overcoming many challenges from recalcitrant parts and articles this morning, and well into the afternoon as well.  I give thanks that neither the locals nor the local council seem to have fully grasped what to do with the communal recycling bins here so that I had to move my creakiness down the hill a bit to deposit stuff in the big collection points instead, and that there was just enough room in those for my additions. I give thanks for thus seeing something I never remember seeing here before...long lines on the water roll in from the horizon to rise and break before the shore!

I give thanks for watching a rather pleasing display of surfing by the one guy who seemed to have spotted the tidal anomaly in time to take advantage... and for coming across a rather pleasing window display of Christmas lights...

Latest squeezes

It's been said that hips don't lie, so I give thanks for remembering to pay close attention to mine telling me 'Don't go there, you'll regret it later', 'Don't do that, you'll regret it straight away' and 'Seriously, you're going to regret even thinking about that one...' The rest of my joints were quite grateful for a rest too as well!

I give thanks that as my bank balance rattling more than it's rustling and my lost credit card stopped, staying home didn't squeeze my finances any more than necessary either, and for squeezing as much snoozing as possible out of the day instead... I give thanks for murky wet weather to enjoy from indoors and mildness to have the windows open and listen to the rain.

I give thanks for classy convenience food last night with Rachel including a highly recommended 'homemade' veggie shepherd's pie from the very eclectic Greek deli, for an exchange of appreciated gifts, an extra long treatment to last me three weeks and some amusing musing about how to be more loving towards ourselves regarding dealing with people we love in an unconditional way, but who in certain conditions we really struggle to like!

And other drugs

I'm grateful to my alarm for waking me up to rise at the necessary hour to prepare and get to the hospital in time for a scan on a wet and weary day. Someone asked me recently if I minded going to medical appointments on my own and I guess it's like much like much else for me - I'd rather that than with the wrong person.

I'm grateful I understand there are no wrong people just unappreciative attitudes and that my attitude is often wrong...but if you've seen the film the post title has come from you might have grasped a sick girl's needs may not always be the ones you think they are! I'm grateful I have no one who needs to enable me and can still grit my teeth and get on with it...and that I love myself way too much to resort to volunteer transport.

I'm grateful for the Alabama 3 matching my mood so well https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9W3A34TTxFU

I'm grateful I know what to dress in so I don't have to take it off...

I'm grateful for a delicious pot of Earl Grey tea and carrot cake to break my fast before the return journey. I'm grateful for not quite falling asleep on the way and that someone on the bus knew where we were as it was raining so heavily I couldn't tell it was my stop until we stopped at it!

I give thanks that though I lost my credit card no one else has found it...

So much more

Last night I was thinking I'd start this post giving thanks for a great night out - not that I was having one, you understand, but just to check you were paying attention at the back! In fact I give thanks for a pretty good night in, considering I was all alone and my left hand is still refusing to do any of the things a left hand is good for (knitting, playing the guitar, operating cutlery - pay attention at the back!) I give thanks for recording and rationing the few things on TV I enjoy, and enjoying a couple of episodes of a couple of them, for eventually winning over a tin of Danish Butter Cookies determined to keep itself to itself...and then dreaming I was on a night out...

Today I give thanks for a great day with Gary. I know! Out with favourite boys twice in less than a week...must be an ah in the month! More thanks for more beach, more sharing of food, laughter, reminiscences and confidences, more references to the cheapness of my dateness... Well, I'm easily pleased in the right company, you know! 

And this evening I give thanks for another quiet night in...more solitary snoozing with my aches and pains on the sofa, more TV remote and biscuit tin controlling...more contemplating tomorrow's logistical conundrums and coming up with no satisfactory solutions... What will be will be...

Bin there

I give thanks for a quieter night than I envisioned and for sleeping well until pain woke me up in time to see a particularly glowing dawn, for which I was quite grateful actually! I give thanks I decided to go back to autumn while winter's being so gentle still, I'm a lightweight and I prefer light weight on top of me... I give thanks for a trip to Morocco in my dreams, not any part of it I've been to but warm water sand ripple shallows to dip into and moreish Moorish architecture...

I give thanks for a quick feasibility study creating a predictably rational decision that singing carols in the library was not on this morning's songsheet even though there's a reserved book waiting I'd think I'd like to read and on Monday I've got to go and be scanned and can't collect it either...

I give thanks for finally making it to the kitchen for a cuppa and a slice of toast and having to go back for my specs in case my eyes were deceiving me - someone had tidied up all the side waste and general dumping around the communal bins! I do what I can when I can but there were enormous wet cardboard boxes that defeated me and they have simply disappeared... I'm grateful someone has also tidied up my office/craft table/spare bed (also known as the sofa) but I think that may have been me in an unremembered moment...

I give thanks for doing very little today but doing it with good grace and good humour...and for arranging to do more tomorrow... For some wavelets breaking over the sandbar for the jetskiers to jump over.  What's that? You can't see the jetskiers? Maybe they jump very high...or maybe it's a 'library' picture...

I give thanks for a misinterpreted communication with Liz leading to a coming across a nice little tune from the Stereophonics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4N8ZeM3LtM

I give thanks for having the words 'Beauty is a fleeting thing, it's memories we hold' returning frequently to my mind of late. I know where they come from so why I googled them I don't quite know... but if you do too you'll see that the the feeling has come round a few weeks early this time!

Seize the play

I give thanks for sleeping quite soundly and waking feeling sound in mind and body - no pain, or misery or any other miserable symptoms. I give thanks for savouring this temporary delight while the watching the pretty dawn break and listening to birdsong in the gardens below...

After two days of feeling too sore to do much at all I give thanks I saw sense and resisted the urge to go out and play, but gave my best endeavours to catching up with all the undone things on my to do list before the good feeling came undone as well. For feeling 'Oh well' when I realised I couldn't carry any more shopping or walk another step and being filosophical when the deli was out of spinach and feta pie...

I give thanks for the cure of Robert Smith singing a day appropriate song to me on a dreary bus ride, while Ian entertained me with alliteration games on Facebook...for this rather witty charity shop window display...

I give thanks for my various noise reduction devices - I think it's going to be a bit of a sociable night on the terrace. Or I could drown sounds out with my groans - there are pains that hurt so good and then there are these ones!

Our hearts have wings

I give thanks someone asked me recently what motivates me, what I get out of bed for in the morning... Good question for anyone to ponder I guess, but particularly for anyone whose purpose on the planet seems so questionable. 'I get up to look after myself so that I keep getting up' is the simple answer, summing up a life senselessly spiralling into control when all that gives my heart wings requires freedom of movement on some scale or other...

But beyond all that, behind all we say and do that seems to be something else, all that matters is what maitre d' Fred's French accent renders so rich with multiplicities of meaning - 'to love and be loved'. And I give thanks for all that reminds me that's actually all that's what and why...

My phone hides texts sometimes...so I was grateful to find one several hours missing last night with an offer from Rachel to bring home made soup for my freezer on Monday evening, as it's our 'works Christmas do' (for two) and there won't be time to exchange gifts, give/receive acupuncture, savour three courses, gossip and philosophise and have any chance at all of going to choir!

I give thanks for working out how to select a track on my CD player after many years to forget the process pre acquisition of wireless headphones... For coming across a long forgotten many years old piece of bead embroidery whilst listening to an even older Bryan Ferry cover version. Ah, these foolish things...

I give thanks for the virtual realities within our own minds we can visit when we're dreaming...and of course when we're daydreaming too. I seem to move house a lot in my night dreams lately... What do I do my daydreams? Oh, that's classified and need to know though I'm sure there are some that may surmise...

Guilty leisures

I give thanks for another beautiful early morning of sunshine on sea...tinted golden this time whereas the last two were more silvery. For wanting to be miraculously transported to some outdoorsyness but via a route bypassing those mountainous obstacles such as getting dressed and out of the building. For remembering to put on my cosmic wish list that I get to live somewhere with attached outdoorsyness of its own again one day...

For remembering not to be attached to wish lists coming true... but reminding myself to have them...

For reminding myself I am not, by any stretch of any imagination, lazy or lacking in strength of mind or drive, and that I'm allowed to rest if I'm in pain or tired or not feeling well. For some reason I feel guilty if I take it easy...and guilty if I feel well and don't! Duh!

I don't have an armchair (that's waiting inside the future place with the outside space) so I thanks for propped up on pillows travel to Nepal via Jan's son Adam's Facebook page...and time travel back to an almost surreally smooth Bay of Biscay crossing on an August day of leisurely sunbathing, strolling and smiley selfie taking...plus limited internet access which meant I didn't get an email til later that turned my smiles to frowns. It's amazing how what's in our head changes when we find out what's in someone else's sometimes...

Oh enough deep for today...I give thanks for making Eve's pudding and that it's not Eve's it's mine all mine!

Good eggs

I give thanks to Darryl for a scrummy Spanish omelette for tea yesterday. A man who not only makes you food but gives it to you to take away and share with someone else has got to be a keeper - and I'm very grateful Rachel keeps him!

I give thanks for a particularly pleasant evening of musings and amusement during which we managed to eventually fit in a treatment...though choir fell by the wayside once again, in favour of more tea, more sharing of thoughts, and more of that wonderful organic fudge...Oh well, my singing voice was probably heard more than enough yesterday one way and another... I give thanks for the tolerance of good friends to my low tolerance to alcohol...

I give thanks for eventually getting out to finish the seasonal shopping that has to be packaged and sent - giving some trade to local businesses in the process - and for much idleness otherwise.

I give thanks for the bright sunshine and strong wind whipping up racing white horses over the sand bar...have I mentioned before I'm rather fond of weather and waves?

I give thanks for finding a cab driver I've not seen for a while back on the rank after a long absence, and knowing he's on his own and has been having some serious health problems going to see if he'd like to talk...He did!

I give thanks for eventually getting round to writing today's blog...and to the anonymous commentator for guessing it was Colin who threw the darts adding up to 37 that led to yesterday's title...which is exactly what happened after he asked me to pick a number and I chose that one. Good throw but even better guess eh? Maybe they had insider knowledge...

Thirty seven

I give thanks for having itchy ears last night so that I took my earplugs out and could listen to the soft rain falling...and an owl in the distance calling softly...

Um...gosh...now what? I'm grateful to Colin for coming up with...oh I don't know, thirty seven different pretty good suggestions for stuff I could write in today's post? Shame I can't remember any of them now...but hey, it is my gratitude blog you know and thus my responsibility!

I give thanks for a good forecast for surfing weather down here last night, and a pretty and promising start to the day... And I give thanks for companionable afternoon finding alternative entertainment when wind and waves were not forthcoming.

I give thanks for drinking a quarter of a pint of beer in a country pub at lunchtime...which is more alcohol than I normally drink in a couple of months and a time of day I've not drunk any in for decades... Might have something to do with my memory loss, but it warms the cockles of my heart to still get a chance to act unexpectedly and out of commonly perceived character now and then. I'm grateful for that. Thanks Colin...(yes, you're definitely in it today!)

Just looking

I give thanks for left over feta, basil, tiny tomatoes, yellow pepper and pastry needing eating up, plus a fresh red onion and jar of olives. Didn't have to look at those for long last night and wonder what to make for tea...tempting to even the most jaded appetite and/or appetite for cooking for one...

I give thanks for access to so many kinds of foods - nothing on that list of ingredients was known to me growing up, except puff pastry and we had to make that from scratch...

I give thanks for the Coastwatch team confirming they too have no idea what the big boxlike structure being towed around the bay the last few days is actually for...

I give thanks for finding an interesting cloud photo I took a few weeks back and forgot about...

I give thanks for waking up cosy, without too many sounds I'd rather not be hearing, or too many aches and pains. 

I give thanks for the strange yellow light at and after sunrise...a dawn filtered through white clouds like the sunset was last night I'm supposing....

I give thanks for everyone who wakes up with something to look forward to, something to be pleased about now. For everyone who pleases, and has someone looking forward to them. For everyone who has something to believe in and somewhere to belong.  And for everyone who doesn't... I think maybe there have to be people on the outside so the ones on the inside know they're not...

Missed a motivator

I give thanks for sleeping well until I woke up...and then giving up on trying to but getting tea and a warm buttered scone and watching the beautiful dawn instead...

I give thanks for the wild wind and the white topped waves, and the strange lilac light at sundown...

I give thanks for trying to find a radio station to drown out the one coming from upstairs, which at least made me laugh out loud as they were all broadcasting laughable music, or adverts or the pesky old news at the time. I give thanks for my horoscope making me chuckle as well...apparently I should have had mountains of motivation today. Actually I'm grateful I didn't... it can be a miserable old thing when you have motivation but not enough womanpower to get anything done...

I give thanks for the bliss of a saved episode of Fargo with my headphones on instead. The storyline keeps you on your toes, the characters captivate and the multi-faceted script and soundtrack is a joy, but some of the filming eclipses it all - the snowy bare wood from overhead and the Undertaker's infinity reflections in the lift mirror made me exclaim out loud with delight...

I give thanks for Bob, Jared and Gary all expressing an interest in getting together soon. I'm grateful to have met some fine women in recent years but I'm always going to be a girl who needs to hang out with boys sometimes and it's rare now I get a chance to do so.

I give thanks for earplugs and a blanket and a nap about to release me from all that wears me down...

Less homeless

I give thanks for watching a programme about being homeless at Christmas to remind myself how lucky I am. I was struck by what should be obvious - how homeless is to do with not having an emotional home as well as a bricks and mortar one - and that made me more grateful as it reminded me I could have done a lot worse with the hand of cards life's dealt me. I give thanks that though there are ways in which it has way too much in common with a homeless hostel here, actually it isn't...

I give thanks for being listened to, and understood, for some good advice and kind encouragement, and something I can't quite name as I've not the experience, but which feels a little like...support?

I give thanks to Jenny for taking me out on a driven potter around some of our beautiful local coves, and even a short walked stretch of coast path. Of course, technically I walk on the coast path fairly often but when it's between the doctor's and the Post Office here it doesn't relieve that endless ache for feeling free. I give thanks for her sharing her packed lunch after I made mine but left it behind...and thus for the second evening in a row having a pre-packed tea!

I give thanks that though the motivation was mostly for her to try out her new camera, mine brought home some pretty pleasing images too...

Night sky thinking

Being a good little renal patient dietwise can result in a dearth of delights in the treats cupboard, so I give thanks for the most delicious rice pudding I've ever made - with rice milk and oat cream instead of dairy, plus a little soft brown sugar. Not theobroma cacao maybe but ambrosia all the same!

I give thanks that when all the wrinkles and rankles in my brain just wouldn't let me sleep last night I decided to get up again for a while and mixed a colour I had in mind for a night sky in a painting.. I give thanks for Bill Paterson's malt Scotch accent reading Neil Gaiman's 'dark tale inspired by Hebridean myth' at second bedtime. Once upon a time there was a wee red headed girl on a Hebridean island loving the weather and wanting to write...and I've not really changed much at all...

I give thanks for remembering myself a bit older, eleven perhaps, having a poem published in the Observer about what war costs in terms of damaged lives...and the world has not changed any either...

I give thanks for blowing a few cobwebs out of my head today and watching them land on the sand, to Colin for teaching me which wind direction is most likely to do this the best, and for there being no one around but a handful of surfers and other hardy happy ozone junkies beaming at each other in the collective effervescence.

I give thanks to Linda for inviting Jenny and I for a snack and a catch up, and making me a doggy bag to bring home just as I was just saying if you really want to be creative you really need a wife...

Pity of tiny lights

I give thanks for the ladies and gent who thought to communicate virtually yesterday evening avoiding platitudes, writing h, u, g, and sentences that started 'At least...' but just talking to me as if I were a fully functional and worthy member of the human race, which I really didn't feel at the time and really appreciated.

I give thanks in my very dark mood I thought to switch on my twinkly twiggy bedroom lights...and take a photo of them. I always think it's a bit of a pity no one else ever sees them so now they are available for perusal by the entire population of the internet connected world. I'm grateful the other day I managed to at last find another flower the same colour as the two I bought several years ago...and for knowing I'm not the only person who gets a little bit excited about silk flowers!

I give thanks that my new kettle is fit for purpose and unperturbed at being constantly compared unfavourably to the one that went before... I'd hoped the colour wasn't quite as it appeared...but it was...though I'm grateful it kind of matches a new desk lamp I also got for the kitchen table too. I give thanks I don't have to work in a bad design department where plans for cheap looking cheap things must be created...

I give thanks that after many days of feeling very grumpy about not being able to be where I wanted to be or do what I wanted to do, I was simply feeling too miserable today to care. This is progress of sorts... I'm grateful I eventually decided to do some painting (now I have some light) and though I didn't get that far I did get as far as clearing the table (no mean feat) and getting the materials out, during the course of which I found a lost bag of Euro change somehow tucked in amongst them. I was very grateful for this, partly as it had perturbed me I could be so disorganised to lose it in the first place... and partly because finding it amongst my painting things made my life briefly seem so much more interesting than it is!

I give thanks that that all the neighbours went out for a little while and I could get my guitar down and play and sing. I give thanks that I managed to get all the way through my new song without any (major) errors causing words not scripted in the lyrics to appear, and that I even managed to record myself doing it...You can be very grateful I don't know how to attach a sound file to a blog post...

Jolly good show

I give thanks for pruning the shrubbery. I did it yesterday morning but didn't get a chance to appreciate how much prettier it looked til evening time. And no it's not a euphemism - I really do have a collection of small bushes in my kitchen!

I give thanks for discovering Rachel too has thus far failed to reach unequivocal equanimity regarding her pet petulances, despite last week's mutual resolutions. Not that I wish any kind of discontent or disappointment on others you understand, most especially with themselves, but it helps me to be more forgiving of my own foibles to be reminded I'm not alone in not doing as well as I wish to. I give thanks for being able to be helpful by having just the ribbons she needed for some craft projects. and to her for thoughtfully helping me eat those potassium laden Thornton's chocolate caramels!

Today I give thanks to one Jenny for cleaning - especially the windows - and to another for driving me to some shops for necessaries such as a kettle and niceties such as snacks at Costa and seasonal treats from Lidl. I give thanks for her thoughtful assistance when I suddenly had to leave the queue and my basket behind, and for feeling quite well and fit today so that I could do a reasonable sprint around the shops to find a disabled loo without a queue. I give thanks like most stoma patients I never go far from my emergency kit, and I probably should give thanks I live in the UK too, as if not I would be tempted to keep a small pistol in there to shoot slow moving humans blocking my path to restoring my dignity...or simply to shoot myself in the head, because no matter flip and philosophical I act it breaks my heart every time.

I give thanks for my washing machine to wash my clothes, my bath to wash my body and lots of lots of paper hankies...