Something inside

I give thanks for managing yesterday evening. Managing what? Just an evening in my life right now, rich with opportunities for testing my strength of character through various combinations of situations and circumstances that don't belong in a gratitude blog. I give thanks you don't know what it's like.

I give thanks for lots of dreams to entertain me during snatches of sleep and to think about waiting for the next one. For the first warming sip of that morning cup of tea. For accepting I was in way too much pain to even think about going out today... and that I really had to anyway.

I give thanks my special delivery meds had arrived at the chemist, and that that chemist is next to the Post Office so I could see if my mislaid Special Delivery parcel had been found...and it had! I give thanks for little wrapped up packages inside that I'm going to keep for a time when I feel a bit more capable of giving them the attention they deserve.

I give thanks a new little convenience store has opened next door to the Post Office so I could pick up a few groceries as well, though this did mean there was almost too much to carry to manage to haul myself back up the stairs. More character building eh? No wonder it's so hard to move around sometimes...my character's an enormous thing to manoeuvre these days. Well the public face of it anyway...

I give thanks for being home again and being able to let the mask wash away with tears. I feel such a wuss crying about pain but it's so relentless and makes everything so hard it's bringing me to my emotional knees now as well as my physical ones. I give thanks there's only me to care about it, no one else to suffer seeing me struggling.

I give thanks for still trying to notice the beauty around me. For the strip of coloured sky that stayed on the horizon most of the day, reflected on the sea and able to be appreciated from my bed. Always a bonus eh?

I give thanks for everyone who has taken the time to read my words, and apologise for not being very uplifting or witty of late. For those of you who've sent me kind ones.  May you all have some joy in your hearts at the turning of the year.

Nobody does it better

No, it's not that the lyric titles were getting too obscure, it's just that that song always comes into my head when I give the kitchen sink a proper job clean...because actually nobody does!

I give thanks waking up feeling very well and full of energy...not cured of sciatica unfortunately but the rest of me in fine, if rather purposeless, fettle as I still had to take it easy due to that. I give thanks for observing the ebb and flow of fortunes in the battle between the warmth of the rays of sunlight and banks of dense chill cloud...and, though it might sound strange, also that the fog finally won so that bright blue sky wasn't shouting through my windows 'NernernerNERner! You can't go ou-out!' I can admire the beautiful effects of the fog on the views without longing to be out in it...

I give thanks for cleaning and sorting more than the sink, finding work to do that worked my arms more than my legs and back.  For when I finally became an immovable object again for a BBC drama about the Brontes I could enjoy in chunks in between listening to the people nearby doing various things that precluded even headphones muffling the sounds. I give thanks for remembering they're only trying to get through the day as best as they can, which is all any of us can do...and for my licence fee being spent so wisely!

I give thanks by good couriership and neighbourliness I have my new book about the consciousness of fish...plus being able to pay it forward by delivering some mail I spotted in the wrong part of the building when I went down to take the rubbish out. And talking of paying, the new edition I'd left in my Amazon basket had gone up by three pounds since I first placed it there so I'm grateful I found a secondhand one a little cheaper! I give thanks for bathwater heating up for me to wallow in and assess if it lives up to its hype. I have other things to read but I've a cupboard full of food and I still want to taste what takes my fancy at the time...and anyway a woman needs a book on fish brains like a man needs a... er, no, that's not going to work is it? I give thanks tomorrow is another day, and the day after that is another year (allegedly).

Small art and love and beauty

I give thanks for going into the kitchen this morning and discovering I'd done all the washing up and wiped the work surfaces last night. I don't remember that! Must have happened in the zen zone of pain I get into sometimes...I thought I was watching some tedious ITV drama with one eye while using the other to assess whether there was enough appealing content on any of the movie streaming sites to be worth even signing up for a free month.*

I give thanks for picking up a handful of cutlery to dry with bum on a big stool and feet on a little one as I stirred my dried cranberry laced porridge in slightly less discomfort than standing up. As usual I dropped some pieces - two teaspoons - but by some kindly twist of fate they landed in my dressing gown pocket! I give thanks for spotting the mist rolling up the estuary while dancing light on the parked car rooves sparkled like water this afternoon.

Predictably my lower left hand side has been incredibly sore after yesterday's brief excursion, but I give thanks for sleeping more soundly than of late as other parts enjoyed it so much, and that there's been no rush to achieve anything today. I give thanks for laundry processed, recycling sorted, hair washed, body bathed, daytime catering done and a lentil curry simmering in the slow cooker for my tea. For working out the the scummy bath I couldn't bear bending over to scrub could be cleaned quite well with a mop...  Doesn't sound like much to be grateful for? Well no, I know, not compared to being a purposeful and useful member of society, able to contribute, to pursue hobbies and dreams, to be active and socialise...but compared to how my hard my existence could be in a less helpful place or time, or if I couldn't still look after myself after a shambling fashion? Yep, immeasurably so! I give thanks I know how to be grateful.

*Jury's still out on that... but I give thanks for finding the excellent Pride on BBC iplayer, and for my wireless headphones allowing me to have the soundtrack louder than the footsteps of the folk upstairs. Good script based on a true story, well filmed, made me helpless with laughter (especially the depiction of rural Wales in the early '80s) and tears (especially Bread and Roses in gathering harmony). It made me forget being me for a while...or is that remember being me? Who knows, but I was very grateful indeed...

A woman's needs are many fold

...as Benny Hill would sing, but as the Aquarian horoscope suggested we should spice up our relationships inventively today I sure as heck wasn't going to marry Ted! I give thanks for going to visit my first love instead, who started jumping up and down and waving when I drew near, presumably with enthusiasm (or a stiff breeze) and certainly made me smile!

OK, enough of that... I give thanks though the pain kept me awake for a large chunk of the night I was still able to wake up again to see the stunning dawn. No pics to share this time but I do give thanks for being sent one...

I give thanks for devising a cunning plan to get to the seafront and the Post Office with minimal walking and taxi fares, because there's only so much resting I can do and all pain is more endurable when you're doing something you like. For the glorious sunshine and a takeaway tea. For the exhilaration of simply being outdoors...the colours and shapes and textures, the smells and sounds...the light!

I give thanks for more little gas cylinders waiting to be collected so I can keep cosy during long luxuriating baths. For the member of counter staff searching twice for my delayed parcel of gifts...and as it still remains elusive, for switching on the fairy lights in the houseplants and eating too much boozy trifle when I got home anyway, in honour of Christmas passed me by...

Trifling things

In my fit and fickle twenties I laughed when I heard an older friend had hurt her back playing Scrabble. Not in heartless derision you understand, but because I thought the person telling me was going to say 'squash' when she started the word after 'playing'... I had no idea anyone could cause themselves an injury doing anything as staid as Scrabble! This came to mind yesterday evening when I was as incapacitated by pain as I have ever been through this episode. 'But, I haven't done anything!' I wailed plaintively (silently in my head, of course)... and then I began to wonder if startng a jigsaw, which I considered a pleasant variation on the few sorts of nothing there are to do, might actually have caused the trouble. I give thanks for thus having an action plan at least... or actually a non-action plan, I guess...

I give thanks for being able to limit the challenges I rose to today. If you like jigsaws you'll know they can be pretty compulsive, so as mine is on a fold up board on the kitchen table and my back insisted I leave it there, I give thanks I thought of covering it with a tablecloth so I wasn't drawn into thinking 'Surely just one more piece won't hurt...' every time I went in there, just in case it did!

I give thanks for gorgeous snow scenes and black humour on Borowski, a sedentary tour of scenic local places via the last episode of the Coroner and a novel where (completely unexpectedly) the feisty independent female protagonist, without close family or companions over Christmas and New Year feels unusually confusingly alone... and even more so after she's injured and can't get about as she usually does!

I give thanks for looking up at just the right time to see the sky colouring up at sunset, and for rising to the challenge of capturing that without falling out of the window. For a delicious tea of roast peppers, red onions, vine tomates, feta, pine nuts and pesto served with garlic bread and appreciation that all those ingredients, unknown to me for all my childhood and most of my adult life, are now do readily available.

I give thanks for realising though I couldn't countenance making one of my justifiable famously intoxicating trifles just for me, not justify eating a family size one alone...I could mock up individual servings with a madeleine, defrosted frozen fruit, a splash of something spirit warming and a dollop of ready made custard and cream. Mmm...now it feels like Christmas! Don't think I could ever become a drinker again but I could happily eat myself into a smiling stupor any time at all :-)

Gotta have faith

I give thanks for another mild morning, windows wide open to feel the air on my skin, dry my tears of frustration that I can't be outside...and my tears of frustration that all I can do about my lack of independent mobility is cry. I give thanks for trying really hard not to lose the plot...and to remember why it is I'm not supposed to. I give thanks for paper tissues...imagine how much worse it would be if I had to keep washing snot off my sleeves and hankies! For 'watching' the Boxing Day walk into the still calm sea in two second clips on the beach webcam and remembering what a lovely atmosphere there is down there.

I give thanks that after resting as much as I could yesterday moving was a lot easier for the first part of today, and I was able to get to the kitchen and back a few times before I started wishing I could stop.

Though I'm not feeling sociable I'm grateful for the folk who pop virtually by to say 'Hi' now and then...with special thanks to Rachel for a lovely loving text message and to Colin for patiently putting up with my internet wittering. I give thanks for finally feeling good humoured enough this evening to open my two little waiting gifts and to Rachel and Laura for gifting them.

I give thanks for getting up and dressed. When you're largely horizontal and unseen, and clothing yourself is one more set of movements that might cause pain, it can be tempting not to but (long term medical conditions not withstanding) my main problems at the moment are sciatica and sadness and no matter how invalid I might feel there's no need to act like an invalid!

Holiday reading

I don't know what to write about...nothing in my head seems suitable to be read by anyone today. I give thanks that most of you are busy so it doesn't matter anyway.

I gave thanks for the changing weather, the calm blue sky at first making me grateful on behalf of walkers and seasonal dippers...and then the sound of the wind for those who like to skim the waves. Clouds gathering behind the bare tree tops.

For hearing from a couple of folk. For the smell of fresh tea bags when I opened a new packet. For a long hot bath. For reading the kind of undemanding novel you might take on a holiday. For starting a jigsaw...and generally doing little else at all...

Suck it up

Last night I gave thanks for doing something I've not for a very long time...not brilliantly perhaps but pleasingly adequately for now considering the underused muscle groups required. Vacuuming! I do like to see a clean carpet...and not walk around with crud on my socks!

I give thanks after eating a small tea afterwards with minimal enthusiasm I suddenly felt very enthusiastic about eating a bowl of ice cream...and as I had some I did!

I give thanks for deciding to be gentle with sensitivities other than my sciatic nerve today and not to go to the Post Office for one more plaintive plea for a parcel I really needed to believe had been sent. But then I got notice there was a library book I'd reserved waiting so knowing there would be at least that to pick up it seemed a good way to fill in half an hour or so especially if I could get a cab to wait for me. But cabs are hard to come by on Christmas Eve and I had to book one there and then one back from somewhere else...making it seem sensible to make that the Post Office just in case, until I tried to walk the distance in between! I give thanks for my touching misplaced faith...and that I bought myself a small packet of Tunnock's wafers on the way so could comfort myself with one when I got home otherwise packetless! I've been craving the forbidden delight of chocolate log but it would be hard to be restrained with one of those on my own when it's so easy just to cut another slice... wrapped up treats are easier to ration.

I give thanks for Christine being at the library, so we could have a hug and a chat about how she'd sent me a text about seeing a kingfisher yesterday, plus a mental message that she hoped I could see it in my mind's eye... and that last night I dreamt I saw a kingfisher so she sent that thought very well! I give thanks for dropping some bits at the food bank collection point there, and a returning a book someone was waiting for, hopefully doing a bit of good in the world that way... though I forgot to drop the book off at first and had to go back so had to sit down til the pain subsided. But that meant I could look at a little book about practising mindfulness through photography that Christine recommended and which reminded me to do more of both. I gave thanks for that.

I give thanks Mr Tesco makes exceedingly good cauliflower cheese, and I had a big plateful for a late lunch, with carrots and peas and roast potatoes too. Roast potatoes aren't really allowed either but I'm determined to have at least some of my favourite things in my mouth over the next few days even if it kills me! Hmm, probably not the best way of phrasing that I guess...

I give thanks for discovering a stack of Walter Presents ready to be opened. Ah, who needs health and wealth and appreciation when there's world crime drama to watch online on Channel 4? Um...to some extent most of us I reckon, but if there's a serious lack of all of the above it's a darn fine way of forgetting for a bit! Right I'm back off to try to mend my back and let you get on with your festivities. Post early for Christmas, and all that!

Life's a lady dog

I give thanks for some snatches of restful sleep and pleasant dreams (making cushions, playing my guitar) in between the aches in my body and the pains in my brain stopping me. Oh and the nightmares... Blooming 'eck there's some dark stuff in there! I give thanks I was only dreaming I was screaming as I woke up so didn't wake up the whole street as well...

I thought I was meeting Laura today. It had sort of been arranged on Monday but without the details confirmed, and I was so dozy this morning I just stayed in bed, grateful it wasn't arranged for this morning but also wary her message had gone astray and the next I heard she was here! Finally I realised I'd sent my text to the wrong number...and sent it again... and after some further confusion and complication I got to meet up with first Mima and then Laura. I was particularly grateful for their kindness in whisking me away to their homes for tea and sympathy, after some other disappointments left me entering the great home aloneness of the season extra blue. Also for in some small ways being able to be useful in return...

I give thanks for remembering to think kindly of people who seem unkind...they're mostly only being thoughtless and it's the most thoughtful thing you can do in return. Most of most of all though I give thanks for the great kindness of the universe in sending me a being to be warm and close with for a little while. We're responsible for our own happiness in this life but sometimes a helping hand (or paw) is what's required

Every picture

Um, ho hum...what to share with you today? I give thanks for a good night's sleep after filling the long evening with household chores. For waking to bright sunshine. For walking much further and carrying far more than was in any way a good idea apart from the fact it needed to be done...and it was such a lovely day to do it! For the kindness and patience of people in shops when I struggle.

Oh and a photo. Not in itself very interesting perhaps, but significant as it was taken perched on the doorstep waiting for the cab to arrive...with my camera! Today, for the first time for a long time I felt up to taking it with me on an ordinary excursion to see if I could see if I could focus beyond the challenge of completing the mission and spot something to take a picture of...so I give thanks for that little development.

I give thanks for continuing my quest for gas canisters for my bathroom heater and emergency stove. It'll be lonely this Christmas but I didn't want it to be lonely and cold! All the shops in town I'd tried had sold out and I'd ordered a couple on line a few days ago to be posted to me, which seemed wrong on so many levels... but they'd arrived at the Post Office when I went in so I was very very grateful for that (and of course ordered more when I got home!)

I give thanks for a text message and a bit of an online chat with a couple of folk. For a phone call from someone hoping this was the number for the local forensic mental health facility...which made me laugh and admit it felt like it now and then! For giving up on wrestling with inanimate objects this afternoon and becoming one, being as recuperatively still and quiet as I could manage to be (and for earplugs and headphones to assist me in this task!)

I give thanks for one of my favourite easy peasy tasty teas - roasted peppers and red onions, with rice and hummous. For some reason the flavours and textures work so well...and hardly any work to produce it!

Giving and learning

Did you ever learn something you'd believed for a long while was actually quite untrue, and nobody knew but you the misapprehension you'd been under? I give thanks for the second bit anyway! I mean I don't mind people thinking I've been foolish but for now I'd rather be getting on with rearranging my perspective, and retrospective, than dealing with ridicule as well. I've actually had this happen two separate occasions over the last few days, coming up with the information while looking for clarification of something else, and though I admit my previous interpretations of reality were hitherto the preferable option, I give thanks for the unexpected opportunities for learning and living on...without anyone knowing quite how daft I've been!

I give thanks for wonderful wish fulfilment dreams, really great escapes but touching base with this reality so that at one point in one I thought 'Hey, everything turned out all right...and my leg isn't hurting either!' Sometimes waking up after that kind of thing makes me sad but this time I was grateful for the illusion giving me happy chemicals coursing through my body.

I give thanks for resting my back as much as possible today.  It's never as easy as it seems it might be...even just trying to sit or lie down between the more strenuous manoeuvres. Something is always in another room - the kettle, the cup, the loo, the right writing or typing instrument, the right pair of glasses! I've been trying to ration knitting so my hands don't get too sore, and read books v-e-r-y slowly so I don't run out of ones I want to read before I get can get my hands on more. I give thanks for coming across a Big Issue review of something that appealed and, as it's not at the library, getting over the shock when my search turned up the hardback price on Amazon https://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Fish-Knows-Underwater-Cousins/dp/0374288216

Phew...it's available in paperback too! Now I have to learn to get over my reluctance to buy myself a book that's more than the equivalent of 1p plus p&p!

I give thanks for my cards - both card and pixel ones. And look...a little present! What do you reckon, should I put the Christmas tree up after all? Haha, seeing as it's the thought that counts I think I'll give myself the gift of giving up on that...it fits very comfortably in the palm of my hand...and I've been warned not to set too much store by what it contains...

I give thanks for Mr Tesco bringing me lots of food and even some drink! Now I must try to consume as much as I can with the minimal appetite that comes from minimal exercise. I could really do with putting on a bit of weight over the next few weeks. And though I'm not proud of such an unseemly emotion, I must admit I'm giving some smug thanks that just for once I've written something on here and people have thought 'Ooh, lucky you!'

Word search

I give thanks for someone to share a meal with...especially the warm mince pies and brandy butter! For having someone to really talk to in this rather silent season. For acupuncture to work on my day weary sciatica, and discussing discoveries about our night time fears. Well, they're anytime fears really but you can conjure them up so much more vividly in the dark! I guess what we're both learning is that we really are doing the conjuring ourselves.. No matter what triggers there are in what other people say and do/have said and done/have not said and done (or we imagine might say and do if we don't keep trying really hard to get it right!) the chest clench dread and chill of panic is coming from ourselves, from when we first learnt how unsafe the world can suddenly seem. This might not sound a very festive topic but if you know what it's like you'll get how good it is to get that far in understanding... and if not, well I give thanks for your good fortune!

I give thanks for at last persuading my new tablet to take a charge so I could slip into a warm bath and let go of trying to be in...

I give thanks when yesterday managed to squeeze in one more challenge before midnight it was before I fell asleep so it didn't have to wake me up to rise to it, and the room was still warm enough for naked rearrangements. And that when the pain AND the fear woke me later I had a choice of what to get distressed about... as well as whether to get distressed!

Dunno what else to say really. As far as possible today's been about trying not to move or think...or mind. I give thanks for giving it my best shot...what else can a girl do, eh? I give thanks for admiring the sea and the sky. For getting my new tablet to work, signing into various things...and then laughing at myself when I turned on my phone, hearing all the message alerts and forgetting for a moment they were just alerting me to the fact I'd logged in elsewhere.

I give thanks most of my readers are probably finding life rather more joyful than I am just now...I sincerely hope so anyway! And I give thanks for you stopping by in this busy time...Busy in the kitchen, maybe? Have fun!

http://crossword.info/happiness_squared/Busy_in_the_kitchen

Thinking inside the box

I give thanks that by great husbanding of strength and a good deal of planning I managed to get around enough places in town today to come back with enough of the things I was panicking about not getting to relax a little while zombi-ing on the sofa afterwards. Do not be mistaken, do not be misled...my unmissable over Christmas list contained just my favourite teabags and bread, some Potter's cough remedy and arnica gel for my sore bits. Let's just hope I can get my hands on some gas for the bathroom heater eh? I may not be due to have what anyone else would consider a fun time but there's no need for it to be any worse than it has to be...

Do not kid yourselves I don't mind this period of enforced inactivity, forcing myself to be active for only the most physically essential things. I'm grateful it's helping my back heal but it's a hard job not letting it break my spirit and twist my mind as the rest of my body is feeling well enough to do so much more, to be anywhere else but here. I'm not made of some special stoic stuff, I'm just like you and want nice things to do, but I'm grateful for not having had anything special planned that would be spoilt by the pain that still lies in wait, the lying down and waiting for the next little interval of relative OKness.

I give thanks by moving as quickly but gently as possible I got today's excursion finished while it was still almost dry, just a smattering of drops darkening the pavements. And for the line 'When the rain came I thought you'd leave...' coming into my head as I hobbled to the taxi rank. You have to be quite old and like husky voices to know that one! I give thanks by the miracle of modern technology I could play it on my phone when I got home...and be my teenage self a little while.

I give thanks for leftover pasta from yesterday's tea for my lunch, for a novel, QIXL and Catchphrase making me laugh. For remembering I've one more episode of Modus to watch...For the well timed wool discovery meaning I can make a start on Bob's jumper. For remembering what a privilege it is to be bored...

Crabbie words

Last night I was kind of grateful when bits started aching once more and I could toddle off to bed with a book, and the obliteration of thought by sleep. I'd thought a Crabbies might help with the crabbiness but when I got there the cupboards were bare, and swigging spirits alone when you're not in good spirits strikes me as a dangerously slippery slope mid-winter or not....so I give thanks that I did not! Did get the bottle down from the shelf though, and checked for ice cubes. It got that close...

I give thanks for it being mild enough to have the window open again overnight, and that after I closed it before dawn I was mystified how steamed up it had got a couple of hours later without any undue heavy breathing...before realising it was actually mistified! I give thanks for the fog's ethereal beauty and for not having to drive anywhere...though walking in the woods would have been nice! It reminded me of these beautiful images I spotted the other day.

http://www.boredpanda.com/10-magical-forest-photos-of-the-netherlands/

I give thanks for feeling relatively OK after yesterday's rather energetic activities...but not up to anything similar today, which is good as I wanted to use my kitchen for things other than getting in strange positions on the floor with brush in hand to try a second coat or trying to avoid the wet painty thing in the middle of the room afterwards.

I give thanks for working a little on my new project. I'm waiting for feedback from the testers before fully revealing what I've been up to, but if they're too busy to get back to me I'm sure you are equally too engaged with other pursuits to pay attention to as trivial ones as mine. Here's a playful little preview just for my blog readers though if you've a minute or two to spare...

http://crossword.info/happiness_squared/all_about_me

A game of two halves

Woe Christmas tree/Twinkle twinkle little starlet

A week or two ago, in the interests self cherishment and cheering up, I thought I'd have my little sparkly mistletoe tree out this year ... and ever since I've hoped I'd think of what to stand it on, as the piece of occasional furniture that does the job so well also very admirably makes a perch to rest on at the kitchen worktop when my back or leg is sore. Plan A involved processes that have proved beyond me, so I'm grateful for being philosophical about that. I give thanks for getting it down from the high shelf it's on anyway and (gradually...obviously) trying out and discarding plan B, measuring up and giving up on plan C, having a wild stab at spontaneous plan D, abandoning plan E as it involved more going up and down the big ladder to try out...and probably another trip shortly after  as I'd a strong suspicion it would just look 'Look at me trying to have Christmas' lame, considering the pros and cons and preparation involved in plan F and not outright dissmissing it but deciding I couldn't decide on it until I'd seen how energy and time consuming they turned out to be... Until, at last, when it had all become the complete opposite of feeling cheering and cherished, it finally dawned on me the absolute perfect place for my little tree was back on the high shelf not giving me any more grief than I have already!

I'm grateful for learning that sometimes the strongest, wisest, most successful outcome of our best endeavours is to abandon them. Or postpone them anyhow... This time of year is such a button presser for me, as it is for lots of others of course, caught between the bombardment of images of its bright and shiny promise and the guilt trip of how we shouldn't fall for it, and how much suffering there is in the world... the people we miss, the missing out, the missing the mark.  Failure to buy enough, cook enough, decorate and be decorative enough, party enough, provide enough, succeed enough and post to social media enough so the world can know you are, to love and be loved enough and show it and know it... gee, I'm grateful I already made such a pig's ear of all the above there was only putting up a small fake Christmas tree left to fail at!

So that was yesterday...and today? Um... Can I fail at being grateful today please? I mean I know you're all busy, you're not going to read it and know... But then if you're not available to read this, you're not available to grant me leave either so I guess I'd better carry on...

I give thanks for birdsong, for the colours of the sky and sea just after the sun went down. I give thanks for waking feeling more physically well and strong than I have done for a long time. I didn't know what to do with myself because I didn't want to be by myself and feel its possibilities wasted as it were. But of course that's what I had to do, so I give thanks I tried to do it wisely... No going out and feeling left out, no plaintive 'phoning a friend'. I give thanks for getting on with 'useful' tasks about the place, wielding a paintbrush with some Hammerite (giving thanks for the mild weather so the windows could be opened wide), going up and down the big ladder numerous times to dig out some precious remnants of a particular now unobtainable wool I spotted at the bottom of a pile of boxes when I went up there yesterday, putting some battery operated fairy lights in the houseplants so if my dark mood lifts and I want some twinkle it can be there but not in my face mocking me if not.

I give thanks for loving myself lots unconditionally and enduringly, for honouring my sadness and letting myself cry... for grinning at my horoscope read just now which said I'd want company for everything I do today...and for loving unconditionally and enduringly all the people who don't want mine! I give thanks for finally tiring myself out so I don't care so much any more... sitting down and having another fruitless wrestle with the remote control on my new TV box which won't tune into the TV, so I can't operate the volume properly or on my headphones at all... before digging the one out of the recycling pile that went with the previous same style broken box and finding it worked just fine! Right I'm going to stop here, while my world's just bearable for a while and let David Attenborough take me out of it for a while... Oh, and I give thanks for any readers who got this far with my miserable ramblings!

The howl of the dog

I give thanks for an offer to pop out for a quickie last night... and for declining it! Can't remember how many years ago it was I last had a cold but it's not really an enhancement to social interaction...and it would have taken hours to get myself in a sociably acceptable state anyway after slobbing aound all day. I give thanks (perhaps responding to further recuperation time?) the lurgy doesn't seem to be lingering around, as it's been an interesting experience seeing how the other half live, but I wouldn't want to make a habit of it you know! I also give thanks that the other sort of lingering around I've been trying to cultivate actually does seem to be helping the sciatica and when I do move it's easier for longer and not so painful for so long afterwards.

I give thanks I accepted Mima's offer of a bit of light chauffeuring today, as though there was a bit too much coughing in the night for enough unbroken sleep and I was tired, some assistance with logistics is always irresistible! Mind you I also gave thanks for my two a.m. kitchen visit turning up cheese and onion potato pie leftovers to snack on. Mmm... Cheese and onion potato pie! I'm so grateful I'm so good at doing without my favourite things, but even more grateful when I get a taste now and then.

I give thanks for finishing packing Bob's Christmas box with bits bought en route to the PO. It's only the token gift part - his main present is yet to come - but I'm sure he'll appreciate unspared effort and ingenuity over expense on the day... I give thanks that due to Mima's help the Post Office where my new TV box was waiting could be used without the meter in a waiting taxi ringing up a horrendous fare as I queued! Also for a trip to Waitrose to stock up on Higgedy pies, Basilica tofu and Quorn Cumberland sausages... my equivalent of a seasonal trip to the butcher I guess, and happy tastebuds just thinking about eating them! For help carying all my bags and packages up the stairs and a cup of tea and a natter afterwards.

I give thanks for human neighbours being more outy than shouty lately, though one of their dogs in the building next door clearly didn't agree. How can something so small make so much noise? Oh well, I give thanks for catching up with some sleep this afternoon nonetheless.

System failure

Last night I gave thanks for silent neighbours and mild temperatures so I could leave the window open and my earplugs out to listen the wind and the waves and the owls! For getting a reasonable amount of sleep considering the amount of bodily malfunction going on...and for the trusting way I got up early to wait for the delivery driver to follow instructions and call when he was outside. Oh well...I give thanks for the chance to put my fine brain to use working out the logistics of getting to the place my new TV box is with minimum walking, carrying and taxi fares.

I give thanks I don't have anyone expecting any particular festiveness from me particularly the provision of festive food (most of which I'm not supposed to eat anyway) but there are still things I'd like to get done over the next few days like stocking up on everyday stuff I like to eat and drink (not all of which is available from Tesco) and getting to the Post Offices to send things (and hopefully pick a couple up!)...and at the moment it's all a tremendous pain in the wallet and bum! I give thanks I'm good at rising to challenges...and at picking myself up and dusting myself down when I feel I'm falling and fail...

I give thanks today I've been trying to stick to catching up with tasks that can be done sitting or even lying down, within reach of Ricola and tissue box. And I give thanks for the times when I've really believed I was getting somewhere with this and that before the cosmos gave an evil chuckle and revealed that I was not! I give thanks for understanding it's just an ego illusion thinking I have any purpose... or that it matters whether I achieve it or not... or who's fault it is when I don't. But still sometimes, sometimes... 

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Stationary agent

I give thanks for remembering I have DVDs, some unwatched or not seen for years... and, even more importantly in my current state, that the player is hooked up to the TV so no moving heavy objects or grovelling around on my knees is required,  though my fingers are out of practice with the buttons on the remote control! I give thanks for choosing the Station Agent last night, to Jenny for passing on a copy she found in a charity shop a while back, and for the memory of the first time I saw it which was by accident as there were no seats left at the Picture House for the one we originally chose...  but which I can't remember! 

Anyway, its gentleness was just right for eating tea, doing nothing at all and doing a little ironing (also gently, sitting down and trying to move my hips as prescribed to unlock some of the knotted muscles around the inflamed nerve) while providing a buffer for unchosen neighbourhood sounds.

I give thanks for having enough of a snuffle to say I have a bit of a cold! This is so rare I'm almost expecting a call from the local press... and certainly, if it gets any worse,  that sympathy and commiseration will be heaped upon me in the way I've seen it expressed to others during my barren years of far less fascinating ailments. In the meantime I'm grateful for it making me a little more amenable to physical inactivity...and that I could develop a taste for that if it means less pain! Life really is much nicer when it doesn't hurt so much isn't it?

I give thanks for the glorious sunshine this morning, and that I had an appointment in town on the seafront, and was able to do a few other useful bits and bobs in the usefully seat scattered area and the mild breeze before murkiness descended. For an afternoon working on my new non-craft project, nibbling lush take away snacks from the deli and lounging on my bed. For my guilty pleasure - an episode of the Coroner where they were up on lots of favourite moorland spots. Oh and for reading a new season of Fargo really is on its way...with Ewan MacGregor in!

Fanning the flames

I gave thanks for the arcs of pigeons passing my window on their morning whirl, but the promise of point activated pain relief hadn't materialised and I felt particularly sore from the positions the physio had put me in and rather sorry for myself that I'm in the position of having to do even less than the little I've been doing lately... And then I looked up from my pillow and saw how pretty the sky had become, and was very grateful for that! And in retrospect, realised how grateful I also was I could share it in a way...

Earlier this year I'd kind of promised myself I'd be out of here by now, so I was grateful for a call from the estate agent just as I was mulling over that. Although keen for a sale, she's also a kindly soul so it was nice to be able to share my feelings about my protracted stuckness a little in real time.

More recently I'd been reasonably sure I'd be fit enough to get down the hill and back on foot one of those long solitary seasonal days to come. So...hmm... I've been grateful I've been trying to be philosophical about that? I give thanks I'm managing practical at least, having finally grasped that those anti-inflammatories I can't have don't just help the pain but reduce the inflammation, and carrying on when my body is screaming stop because I don't want to be a wimp isn't helping at all...whereas curling up foetal style might seem feeble but might help me get strong.

It does make getting the shopping and so on harder though, and I'm even more grateful for Tesco deliveries for the bulk of the stuff. Today I looked out of the kitchen window during the time slot, and seeing his van arrive decided to walk down not wait for his call. He was standing outside the door when I got there, very pleased to see me as his phone had just died and he couldn't have called anyway! I'm grateful he was the kind of chap who could appreciate the cosmic rightness of the situation...

I give thanks for Rachel's helpfulness last night, including offering to take a heater to a charity shop and then, even better, deciding she could probably use it herself. She also demolished the rickety fake fireplace that used to go round it, bless her, and I'm grateful after much horizontal planning I was able to come up with an easy manoeuvre to store the bits until I can get to the tip with them. Before lying down of course... I give thanks for sending for one of the other kinds of tablets to see if that will help me do it more... 

Best medicine

I give thanks for finding a deal online on a new TV box, as realistically I'm not going to be able to get to a shop and buy one nor, at this time of year, get someone else to facilitate the procedure. Probably not the best time of year to expect it on the expected delivery day either, but I don't particularly need one for the seasonal schedule... Just as long as it comes in time to catch up on a few things I (thought I'd) saved. I give thanks I haven't missed the facility much so far... the first night without I had a tantrum, the second one a visitor and the third one a succession of catch up naps instead. I give thanks for catch up via various internet enabled devices of course, and that my increasingly disabled tablet will still let me do this... Also for seeing the funny side when what it refused to do at any workable pace was let me browse for a new one!

I give thanks for finally accepting I need some help with the sciatica and calling for a telcon from the surgery here. Do you want to speak anyone in particular? They asked, and freshly agonised from a trip to the kitchen I just gasped 'Anyone!'... so I was delighted when the one I got was the bestest most alternative, aware and holistic GP I've ever met who wished she could prescribe acupuncture (in which she's trained) but passed on the points she would have loved to try on me as well as phone number for local physios. It threw me a bit when they offered me an appointment for this afternoon,  so I'm grateful I got my act together and could get cabs to the local hospital and back...meeting a now retired favourite cab driver in the process.

I give for a gentle but thorough investigation of what causes most pain and how... And for being given far more gentle exercises than I've been doing so far. I think I give thanks I've been instructed not to push myself so hard too. Though the logistics of my life mean a lot of pushing, pulling, lifting and shifting and limping along, I don't need to give myself such a hard time if I don't always do as much as I can but remember it's OK to stop at what needs to be done.

I give thanks for a combination of my very inaccurate touch screen skills and SwiftKey's great eagerness to predict what it think I might mean resulting in such a hilariously irrelevant insertion in a message I'm still guffawing about it now!

Pulling power

Heavens that universe works fast sometimes - within minutes of suggesting to it that I'd like to go out someone offered to take me. Not in a dressy uppy way, which was fine as I wasn't in the mood for all that, in fact I was so under dressed at the time the offer materialised I had to grab more than my coat to comply.

I give thanks for a warm hand pulling me through the large, brightly lit, rather crowded and noisy room...and for dredging up from my rather limited knowledge local hostelries the fact that there was another bar upstairs. Hundreds of stairs it felt like to my back and bum and leg, but worth it to be free from the pre-Christmas town toga party and to be able to chat to each other rather than shout and gesture...

I give thanks for finding a cosy nook to curl up and listen to the close by sea after closing time...helps if one of you brings along a mobile cosy nook of course so I also give thanks someone did! If I'd realised how far down the hill from home we'd have to park afterwards I might have elected to stay, but though by then it was nightmarishly painful putting one foot in front of another I have to give thanks somehow I did. I give thanks as I was too sore to sleep more than briefly I was mobile enough to go and not sleep on the sofa...

Today I've been giving thanks for successfully turning down the volume on my self nag button, not only not doing more than is absolutely necessary but not squandering time spent not doing stuff thinking about what I'd like to get done. And that by these means I've managed to turn the hurting down enough to grab a nap or two. For quiet neighbours, and big sunshine grabbing windows to fill my flat with warmth even wide open for a while.

Soothe with the smooth

I give thanks for a bath with hot water to soothe the aching places, and sides to rest my lower limbs against - on my back with my legs in the air is one of the comfiest positions I can be in right now, so any opportunity to adopt it is welcome!

I give thanks I was only part way through a fight to get my quilt cover on before I realised it was the one I'd just taken off! For a new sheet so smooth it's almost like being caressed...and that I fell asleep within moments of lying on it.

I give thanks for waking rested and ready to squander my refreshing relative mobility doing some useful stuff in town, including a tortuously slow trip to the post office.  I give thanks for coveting the boots a women in the next switchback of the queue was wearing before realising I'd bought the same ones not long ago but hadn't been able to wear them (yet)! I give thanks for receiving in time a return address from one of those eBay traders you occasionally come across who seem to have no concept of what the process is actually about (No, I don't have the thing you thought you bought. Maybe it's lost or I made a mistake...)... And for the coincidental name of the close she lives on making me smile (Pass French town name (8))

I give thanks for receiving some lace to add to the hem of the 99p too short dress I bought last year in case I went anywhere a bit dressy uppy over the winter months. I didn't, so I give thanks if I get this incredibly well matching trim on the bottom I will be prepared anew, and it won't be so dressy uppy as to upset anyone with the sight of mine!

Power cycle

I give thanks for falling asleep early last night. For not too much waking up before waking up early enough to hear the owls calling before the sun had risen, and to see the gold tinged clouds in when it did.

I've been a bit of a scrubber this afternoon - wriggling around on the kitchen floor trying to find the least uncomfortable position in which to vigorously rub a thing that needs scrubbing, of course! By 'eck it's been a hard pain befalling me today so I've been grateful for lots of motivation to mobilise about the place and get on with stuff in bearable bouts of activity, putting the full length of my sciatic nerve through its paces, bending over the bath to wash my hair, going up the ladder to hunt a paint brush, lifting and carrying and changing the bed...

I give thanks for sitting at my laptop in between for some mental exercise, resurrecting old skills and working at my new ones...and when even that has been too excruciating lying down with Roget - still my favourite chap where a thesaurus is concerned!

I give thanks for more grovelling on the floor to womanfully and optimistically wrestle my TV box (which has been even more broken than me today) through a variety of different unsuccessful power cycles and resets. I give thanks for holding back the tears as long as I could before just letting them go partly because, despite all the distractions and doggedly carrying on, I hold a lot of tension in my body when I hurt a lot for a very long time and a weep can release that a little...and partly because when I hurt a lot for a very long time I'd just really really like...it...to...stop (and maybe lie on the sofa and enjoy some TV!)

Re: play

I woke up this morning and pretty much the first thing I thought of was how much I give thanks for sleep...that wonderful mixture of healing rest and spontaneous entertainment! It's a kind of magic... Can't remember what it was I dreamed about but I remember I enjoyed it a lot!

I was a bit hobbly and sore when I got out of bed and it gradually got worse throughout the day but I'd rather that than being kept awake by discomfort in the night, so some gratitude there as well.  I give thanks for planning a leisurely couple of hours playing and learning with my new software that makes me giggle with delight...not least because I'd not been able to find it for such a long long time...

I give thanks for realising if I wanted to spend a couple of hours on a quest to find a tree and lunch with Mima, plus a couple more on a quest to find a long lost part of myself with Colin, clickety pleasures would have to wait though. I give thanks I'm very careful what I wish for...and very good at waiting for wishes to come true...

I give thanks for a leisurely bath finishing Replay...and for my ability to forget the end of a good story so I can enjoy it again! Was going to add a Kindle link for those of you who don't do paper but can't find an ebook version anywhere though there's a CD of it being read you could play to yourself. Or if you could stand a paperback with the strangest misprint I could lend it you...

Replay replay

I was grateful for less pain last night, though my body is so used to being kept awake by it, it kept me awake anyway and I gave thanks for rereading a favourite book I first found some twenty five years ago and stayed up all night to read the first time. I've probably mentioned it here before but it's good enough to mention again - Replay by Ken Grimwood.

I give thanks for taking my earplugs out before I finally settled down so the neighbours could wake me in time to get ready for Jenny to come and do some vacuuming and window cleaning...and that I can now walk around without having to wash my socks!

Today I've been sorely tried by soreness and tiredness, so have been grateful for my valiance, and resilience and resourcefulness...I'd rather have that than be well and a twat! Actually I've been feeling quite well so I give thanks for that too, and that the Universe as well as my friends, has been largely (well it is a bit!) accommodating and helpful.

I give thanks for an enjoyable couple of hours with Mima and her furry familiar, for Facebook reminding me of some amusement in a long gone day, and for Colin saying something so amusing in a message I laughed out loud in a shop!

Gifted

Earlier this year Rachel and I talked about swapping skills or services rather than wrapped things at the end of it, and over the months this had been refined to me knitting her a cardigan with holes in* and her taking me somewhere I wouldn't otherwise go. Last night was the somewhere -http://livingnowevents.com/jamie-catto-what-about-my-christmas-presence/

It was somewhat out of my comfort zone literally, given my current physical challenges, and the other way too as I find explaining my life situation fraught with possibilities for others to view me as a victim (or 'the unluckiest person I've ever known' as one person put it!) instead of as I see myself - the wise, strong, compassionate result of learning and growing through challenging experiences. Nonetheless I had lots of gratitude for the opportunity to go out somewhere in the evening, partly 'under my own steam' (taxi...plus bus for the first time since my journey to hospital, wohoo!), partly with someone whose company I enjoy, to a new place (including stained glass windows lit from inside and a room with the best barny ceiling ever!)...and to just see what will be...

I gave thanks I enjoyed the speaker's style and content, and even more that when we got to the workshop bit we could choose our pairs and I didn't have to explain to a stranger why I didn't have any forced proximity Christmas issues. Of course to get the best out of the event I did have to try to participate in the exercises but they didn't work using the just the neighbours and myself, and both Rachel and I had to try not to have an average Monday night exchange of views on the relationships with others she sometimes struggles with, and the struggles I have sometimes have with not having relationships as others know them. But the fact that we understood each other's situations quite well already meant through the set questions we could encourage each other to new insights...and we were both very grateful for that.

I couldn't get my head around the second solitary exercise at all as it seemed to me to be about making someone else the villain and apportioning blame, which is also a struggle for me.  So instead I sat watching everyone scribbling their grievances and felt compassion for them...and wrote some alternative thoughts. Sure I encounter people I fervently wish would behave differently than they do, but I'm aware they are in their own movie, and probably wishing I'd stick to the script and plot they'd prefer as well.

I was grateful too for the mild night, for Rachel making tea for us to scoff in the interval and me bringing pizza to nibble on the late drive home, for someone being handed my coat by mistake and saying 'Oh I wish it was mine!', for realising I'd spent three hours with a life coach and had come away quite sure I'm doing fine just the way I am! I was grateful I made it to bed before the fortissimo pain of staying in one position for so long reached a final crescendo...and for reminding myself when I felt I just couldn't bear it any more that whenever you say you can't you already are.

I give thanks I didn't have anything to get up in time for anything this morning and could take my own time, gradually easing myself back into upright and moving about, busying myself in my office** the while. I give thanks for finally attempting to finish the excavation under the stairs and realising all the lifting and shifting, stretching up and grovelling down on the floor was going to be beyond me today...and then...in very small incremental stages...doing it anyway! Good job I didn't have to go out anywhere...my head would not have fitted through the doorway!


*lacy
**bed

Christmas Eve's pudding

You might find it hard to understand quite how grateful I was to make my first Eve's pudding for months, but it's one of my favourite comfort puddings and it's a great comfort to be able to make it for myself again...and eat it!

I give thanks for remembering it's no use crying over spilt anything...though you're allowed a whimper if it's particularly uncomfortable cleaning it up!

I give thanks for the neighbours being quiet enough for wireless headphones to transmit sounds to my ears at a comfortable volume...and for thus being able to thoroughly immerse myself in a film rather than the minutiae of their lives. I give thanks it was a good film and kept me guessing, even though it was based on a true story and I knew how some of it turned out.

I give thanks for the black velvet heads and shoulders of a pair of magpies outside my window. For spotting this footprint in the bottom of a mug before I washed it. I'm particularly grateful it's a footprint - if it were an icon's face I'd be up and down those stairs letting worshippers and acolytes in to view!

I give thanks I'm going out for a Christmas treat tonight. It's taken me most of the day to get ready - not because it's a hot date or a gala performance but because I hope that by preparing in slow motion with lots of rests in between I wont be too sore or too tired to enjoy it...and of course there's no harm in practising in case any hot dates or gala performances are in the offing! I give thanks for word game creation software and virtual bauble smashing to keep me sitting down...

I got the power

I give thanks when I thoroughly burned my supper toast last night I had the kitchen door closed and could contain the fumes. Burned toast and scrambled eggs requiring not burning are one thing, but add in getting a ladder out to sort out the smoke alarm and you're talking major inconvenience!

I give thanks for more sleep than I would have imagined I might have had given the amount of pain I went to bed with. It's gentler pain than it has been, but oh it does go on! I give thanks for my leccy blanket and leccy in general really, though possibly not the bill!

I give thanks for not feeling up to much today as the order of the day was not to do too much that involved standing and walking about. The trouble was of course, the more I rested, the better I felt and the more I wanted to get up and do things. So I'm grateful for finding some things to do that hopefully my body won't protest too much about later...because, as I may have mentioned a few (hundred) times already, my capacity for enjoying inactivity is a lot smaller than my capacity for being active...and tomorrow I plan to be very slightly active in a public setting with strangers so would like to keep the hobbling and groaning to a minimum, you know.

I give thanks for virtual conversation, and virtual occupation getting familiar with that aforementioned new software some more.

Even better things

I'm grateful my little almost Christmassy cakes were good, and what was even better was that I worked out how to make them even better next time.

I'm grateful I've been feeling so much stronger physically, able to move around more easily and in less pain...but by 'eck I'd better remember I'm still not over the sciatica or it will remind me most ferociously as it did yesterday evening and at intervals during the night and today. I'm still grateful I'm better than I was a couple of months or even weeks ago of course, but I'll be even more grateful when I'm even better still.

I'm grateful braved the aches to go out for a few essentials. I still need a lift down the hill as well as back but I give thanks for the first few almost sprightly yards when I always think 'Hey, look! Almost normal again!' before everything seizes up once more and I have to head for the nearest seat. I'm grateful I took a seat in a cafe today as there was a cold old wind out there. And I was grateful for receiving a message when I logged into the WiFi there as, despite all the friendly interactions about the place, sometimes it's nice to think someone who actually knows you is saying hello.

I'm grateful for as much horizontalness as my spirit can stand this afternoon...and for the variety of sedentary options I have so I can kid myself I'm changing occupation now and then when really it's just a handful of different sorts of nothing much at all. I'm grateful I'm a very patient patient...and I have faith one day, when I'm even better, I might get to get some better things going on again.

Sugar and spice

I give thanks for a pretty good sleep - again! For the dawn colours in the sky visible from my pillow with a twitch of the curtain...and thus sometimes for my rather small bedroom too! For another quiet day - no shouting and stamping and banging of doors, or even just excessively audible normal living for several sweetly pleasing hours.

For feeling up to more physical sorting out of the encroaching entropy about the place, and coming across a rich seam of warm scarves I thought I'd have to mine much deeper for in the cupboard under the stairs... For the food I made yesterday evening for today being edible despite some spicy distractions during the seasoning process so that it wasn't really anything you'd call curry but had a faintly warming aftertaste. For embarking on this evening's culinary experiment - a boiled fruit cake, the like of which I haven't made since I was told to cut out most fruit. It's somewhat improvisational (as most of my cooking is) so we'll have to wait and see what it actually tastes like.. but in the meantime I'm grateful for being willing and able to wield ingredients and equipment just for fun.

For some work on the computer for the sitting downy bits...life admin and learning new tricks with my new software. For Missing and Modus...the beeb do offer some damn good drama sometimes! For finding this article that rather worryingly reveals how far we haven't come...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-38170324

For a delivery I thought I shouldn't have had but was actually quite grateful to receive... For an offer I've had for a rather alternative pre-Christmas outing. It's certainly not something I'd have picked myself but there's still a few weeks of the year of living differently so just keep bringing it on Universe I say!

Presents of mind

I give thanks to Liz for my animated advent calendar...a bit of twinkle in the darkness of December.

I give thanks for going to bed early and falling asleep with the light on and a book in my hand...and then sleeping properly in the dark until the early hours when some non-physical pain required my attention. I give thanks for tea and biscuits and tears and sympathy and encouragement. For loving and understanding respecting myself so much. It's a tough job, but you know what they say about tough jobs!  I give thanks for falling asleep with my book again (sometimes it's just nice to have something to hold on to!) and waking late to watch the sun turn the grey fog pale gold and finally melt it...

For a woman who loves too much, and loves to give and to share but is aware how peripheral she is in other people's lives, steering a safe passage through the seasonal etiquettes and emotions is, as is everything, a matter of a bright smile and lots of blinking, and gratitude, gritted teeth and looking the other way. So, though I regret the impact on the environment, I thus give thanks for finding some pretty not particularly Christmassy cards to send to the small group of people who might appreciate receiving one from me, and that they're large enough to slip a token gift inside for those I particularly appreciate but for whom a grander gesture might be an unwelcome embarrassment.

I give thanks for cabbing to town and back again, to visit some essential places - the cobbler's, the chemist, the Post Office, the health food shop, the doctor's and the sea! That walking about really is getting easier...though slopes and stairs are still hard, and sitting down for a minute or two between each group of steps, level or otherwise, is important to keep down the pain. Today was the first time I've made it to the seafront, and whenever I've been incarcerated and with a sentence hanging over me that's always a big moment of gratitude for my astonishing resilience and strength, and wisdom in giving myself the gift of living somewhere so good for me. Opening the letter from the renal team sitting there in the sunshine and reading yes, I am getting a little better again and my suggestions are being followed for how to proceed now the improvement I predicted has occurred , was like a great big bow on it!  Didn't take my camera (still trying to keep the carrying weight to a minimum) but my phone can show I was there!