On a little dishy

I give thanks for seeing acorns on the ground, and suddenly feeling six years old again.

I give thanks for turning my mattress. I've been having some pain returning in my back and thought it might help in the long term even if not in the immediate aftermath! My hands have been very sore too, so I give thanks for being quite tired and not minding too much doing as much craftwork as I'd have liked to.

I give thanks for my first attempt at a kind of kedgeree. The egg wasn't ready in time but I give thanks for that as I can have it for tea instead! I've been advised to cut down on ready made fish fingers and fishcakes because of the additives in the breadcrumbs, so am trying to get my head round cooking dishes 'from fresh' ie frozen chunks which I find less horrendous than the real thing. I've never recovered from my first toddler shock of watching catches prepared when the boats came in!

I give thanks for making the flapjacks too crumbly and trying to get them out of the baking tray too soon. When this happens you have to eat the bits with a spoon and have no idea how many 'slices' you might have had. No, of course it wasn't deliberate! I did deliberately leave out a chunk of the sugar in hopes of making them less irresistible, but that wasn't very successful either...

Spooning

I give thanks for a lazy evening, an early night and a long slow start to the day. I give thanks for still feeling astonishingly well...but sometimes, quite reasonably, my body does request a bit of extra rest.

I give thanks for eventually stirring, making lunch and starting a stir fry for my tea in case I was too tired when I came back from my in town chores.

I give thanks for being rather taken by some little metal spoons with heart shaped bowls in the fancy pants kitchen shop, and when the owner said they were particularly popular in February, something moved me to say my birthday was in the middle of that month. Can you guess when mine is, he asked... And I guessed it might be around then too. And it turned out we shared the day, and a slight lingering grievance as to the nuisance of it in many ways...so that was kind of pleasing too.

I give thanks for my favourite quorn sausages, organic wholemeal flour and dark soft fair trade sugar being on spesh in the fancy pants supermarket where I'd gone for a bit of special tofu for my tea. And for spending the money saved on a cab home with my heavy bags...

I give thanks for the tofu making the yummiest stir fry with garlic and ginger, various veg and beansprouts. I give thanks the recommended portion size of the latter in my renal diet sheet is 'as many as desired'! Ooh... And I give thanks I've just remembered I started making an Eve's pudding while I was finishing that! I give thanks today hasn't all been about cooking. There's been some eating too!

Food and thought

I give thanks for TV camerapersons taking me to such scenic places - in the past 24 hrs I've oohed and aahed over Chile and the Caucasus, whilst recording a bit of Alaska!

I give thanks for real travels today...as in going somewhere I'd never been. It was just down the road from somewhere I had but I love new no matter how near! For sharing a really rather good catering van breakfast with Mima by the side of a canal in the sunshine. I don't eat a lot of meat products and usually when I do they come in packs labelled organic, free range and serenaded by Stradivarius violins... Well, maybe the last bit is a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea. These were the nicest 'normal' bits of pig I've had in a long time...

I give thanks for depositing a car boot's worth of unwanted items at the recycling centre and hospice shop, mulling over how we imagine acquiring things will produce desirable states of mind, but somehow getting rid of them is a source of pleasure too...

For accompanying Mima to Morrisons. Another unusual event for me, and in the midst of my usual sniffiness about the offerings, getting all excited about smoked garlic which I last found in a street market in a nearby very alternative town. Morrisons is much handier for this delicacy...

I give thanks my experimental kidney friendly curried cauliflower soup turned out pretty well, and that there was some left over in the fridge to heat up for my tea with minimum exertion. For a rest after a busy few days and fretful nights trying to think up solutions to tricksy situations. For the internet and email so you can ask for help and advice without even getting out of bed. If you might not get it anyway, this is a good way of minimising what might be wasted effort...

Warm and fuzzy

I give thanks for the cosy sound of rain on window panes when you are snug inside. For Laura picking me up for a walk in the park and a cuppa on the sea front before it began. I give thanks for her contentment and joy in her new life with her new man (and his dog!). I probably can't really imagine what it's like to be in a warm and supportive relationship but I get the impression I might have rather enjoyed it if the opportunity had come my way...

I give thanks for all my friends having happy stuff going on just now. Well, of course I give thanks for everyone having happy stuff, but when it's people you know and care about you can really sense the good feelings they're having, can't you?

Meanwhile I give thanks for not having too much difficulty and disappointment to deal with today - only three phone calls and one email about medical stuff and none of it any worse news than it was already!

I give thanks for making some progress with my new project. We're probably not allowed to say 'Can you tell what it is yet?' any more are we? But can you anyway?

There are many things I have always wanted to do that I have to accept I cannot make happen, but I give thanks I've made a start on one that maybe I can - creating a latchhooked rag rug. I've made peg loomed rag rugs, crochet and plaited ones but this a new technique to me and I am finding it very enjoyable - which is good as it's quite a large area of canvas I intend to fill! I give thanks it will use up considerable amount of leftover fabric I have...and that I can 'treat' myself to the odd bit of new to blend in the colours and make it extra pleasing to my eyes. Cheap thrills eh?

Ideas of good

I give thanks today's hospital visit was in the afternoon as another broken night, a particularly dazy post acupuncture phase, lots of meditation (in lieu of sleep), light fog in the air and Buddhist chants in my ears meant it took some hours to be ready for the 'real' world.

I give thanks for two good ideas coming to me as I did my shiatsu - one practical, one philosophical.

I give thanks for sights seen from the bus top - the boats seeming to sail through the sky, the flat oily looking sea with the softest reflections, the fringe of a bolted hedge on the crest of a hill.

I give thanks for the brave face... the jolly quip...the years of practice of hanging on to some semblance of identity on the medical conveyer belt. It's not just for me...the more I meditate and contemplate the less I see sense in our sense of ourselves, but I do think you have a better chance of both literal and metaphorical survival if you can remind the professionals you're not just another brick in the pension plan.

I give thanks I'm home and it's been quiet. For thinking of something I'd be allowed eat if I could just get off the sofa and finish cooking it!

Old songs

So what can I say, this bright autumn day? I give thanks for the change in the weather, for sleeping more soundly, waking up less sad. ..  And yes, for having Mr Cale in my head!

I give thanks for vague plans for a variety of excursions with various folk. For the patience of people who keep hearing me say my opportunities are running out and I must take them...and will they take them with me... and take me with them too? Especially for the ones who say yes, of course... and for the ones who mean it most of all! I give thanks for all the twaddle talkers too (whether well meaning or simply saying what they think they should - without thinking)... For trying to have compassion for those who don't even seem to try...

I give thanks to Jenny for a lift to the library, to Linda (who loves poetry) for showing me some about dialysis...

For the warm sunshine and warm people I met. For chasing up some paperwork that turned out to be lost in someone else's heap. For the serene blue of the sea, the soft sound of tiny waves lapping...and a peek through the fence at the lovely garden where the choir I used to sing with used to meet.

A brief history of some time

Wow! I give thanks for the most wonderful time yesterday evening! I'd grabbed some food and made a hot water bottle to soothe my creaky kidney, and thought I'd settle down to watch The Theory of Everything, which I had recorded and seemed the right movie for the place I was in... And then... And then... The guys upstairs went out...and stayed out! I could enjoy the whole film without so much as a creaking floorboard spoiling the lost in story space.

I give thanks for a TV adaptation of P. K. Dick's tales. The set design in the first one reminding me of Blade Runner (a long time favourite film)...and then in the ad break there was a trailer for something even more reminiscent, which turned out to be a kind of sequel out in cinemas soon. I would be very grateful if I got to see that!

I give thanks for a long lie in after a night with a lot of sleeplessness in it. For pottering about rather successfully, getting on with sorting out craft materials for passing on to new homes or storing more compactly in mine...and some work on some projects too. I give thanks for tidying up before Mima came round with scones and jam for a pot of tea and a catch up chat. That she's agreed to take me to the recycling centre/charity shop drop off point soon.

I give thanks for the increasingly murky day. I love bright sunshine but there's something very appealingly cosy (when I want to stay indoors) about the fog creeping stealthily down the hillside.

Up and down

I give thanks for getting up this morning...it's a struggle sometimes to be sure. I was aching just about everywhere and not feeling well, but I put the former down to moving my heavy double bed yesterday to get the vacuum at the dust field underneath. As for the latter, well I guess all things considered it's no wonder I feel a tad under par now and then. I give thanks it's as little as it is...and, miserable though it makes me, that I'm somehow still here, still trundling along...

I give thanks I had a letter to Kostas to take to be weighed and some parcels to pick up from the PO so there was a time limit on lolling about feeling feeble and sorry for myself...

I give thanks for my Uniqlo packaway down jacket. It's chilly up the hill in the shade of the terrace but by the time I've done the buttons up I'm at the bottom and on a mild day like today it's time to take it off and squeeze it into its little bag. For the fresh breeze and the sailors racing on the glittering sea... For thinking a snack in the sun would be fun and then, as the gloom of nutritional restrictions settled in, for smelling donuts and realising they're actually not on the banned list (as far as I know - it's a long and growing list and I may not have assimilated it all)

I give thanks for being very pleased with a 'new' jumper from my favourite online store... Plus a necessary item to start an entirely new craft project - as in a craft I've never tried before. Bearing in mind I've dabbled in all manner of manual creativity from silver smithing to potato printing this is quite exciting...well, quite exciting to me anyway ;-)

I give thanks for a long rest on the sofa when I got back up the hill with these and other items...enjoying the peacefulness of many neighbouring folk staying down it a while longer!

All things being equinox

I give thanks for the pretty in pink clouds over the sea last night. For making a pasta tea actually ample enough to fill me up and keep me away from the biscuit tin...plus a curry for today's tea too. There was tuna and pesto with the pasta, which for some reason I've never put together before...and the curry had lentils and apples - likewise!

I give thanks for a dream with an incredibly realistic hug in it. The best of the virtual kinds...

For the beautiful sunshine this morning almost tempting me out, but pain and fatigue from yesterday making me see sense and see staying indoors would be better. For the neighbours being out for a few hours so I could enjoy some peacefulness...and not feel guilty about my own contribution to the noise levels with the rattle of the sewing machine and the hum of Buddhist chants set to music! This one is a particular favourite...
https://youtu.be/bRIaO-XCy-k

Of course I've not been idle...and I give thanks for that! I give thanks for finishing all the bits and bobs I planned to make for the craft sale, though there might be something else if I complete another long running project in the meantime. I also give thanks that in the process of digging that out I found something I knew wasn't lost but had merely become temporarily invisible. It rematerialised somewhere I'd already looked several times before...I'll set up to take some photos another time...meanwhile, here's a picture of the incredibly pretty station I'm very grateful I visited last week in a really rather lovely little place I'd like to go to again if it weren't so far away. Of course some people think I already live there...

Point break

I give thanks for catching up with yesterday's Bake Off and discovering it was caramel week. One of yesterday's nutritional queries was regarding why butterscotch was allowed in my diet but not toffee. As I suspected - the renal team didn't expect anyone to consider making their own with simple permissable things like butter, sugar and cream (Apologies to anyone reading this who is on a weight loss diet...I know my idea of dietary injustice differs from yours!) Luckily I've few complete teeth left, and am not yet diabetic so I am going to have to have a go... I give thanks for being amazed, as I have been at Celebrity Masterchef recently, by how much I seem to know about food compared to many contestants, especially since I've not actually tried most of the techniques or ingredients I can name. Perhaps not knowing anything about meat means I have extra memory for other areas...

Feeling very much a waste of space at the moment I give thanks for spending some more time making stuff for the upcoming craft stall to raise funds for the library. Whether in the grand scheme of the universe this is of any real value, well, who knows? But it gave me a sense of being a bit useful and maybe my efforts might make some smiles if not some cash. I'm full of creative ideas as usual but the trick is to start things I can actually get finished within the time frame and while there is still love for the projects to incorporate in the stitches. Like food, crafty things turn out far nicer when not made with a sense of duty or resentment in the hands. I've now completed 2 cushion covers, 6 dangly hearts,  14 mini stockings, a bedside rug/cot blanket and just have a little cushion to finish to match with that and I'm done and can move on to something else. Something to make me smile seems a good idea....It's so hard not to keep descending into glum just now.

I give thanks for deciding the new skin on the inside of my elbow was tough enough to take the bending and stretching required to change not only the duvet cover but the quilt itself for the autumn version. For losing myself in a patch of almost summery sunshine on the almost empty beach...watching the dark stripes rise and become a line of baby breakers. For the friendliness of the folk in the town's businesses, so just going about your own is a pleasant occupation. For a madness of magpies in the trees just now chattering to each other in lots of different pitches. It was hard to tell quite how many as they kept well hidden among the leaves apart from when they flew from tree to tree but it could have been anywhere between eight and a dozen I reckon...

A hole in one

I give thanks for getting on with some crafty things last night. As long as I don't do too much and make my hands hurt it can be very soothing temporarily reversing some entropy for a while. And it's nice when there's something I feel like doing and I can...

I give thanks for today's bad news (so far) only being that a gorgeous cashmere jumper I thought I'd bought on eBay isn't going to be sold after all as the vendor has a holes in of of the sleeves. I asked if it's mendable, and suggested I might be interested in buying it at a reduced price, but she said she'd taken it to a second hand shop already.  As recent disappointments go that's getting off quite lightly I reckon...

I give thanks for declaring my operated on operational enough again for a little light Shiatsu. Better get some in before they start chopping me about again!

I give thanks for a long email chat with the renal dietician about my struggles with the dietary restrictions. There's so much I have to do without or cut right down on I'm almost always hungry and/or worrying about the next meal. I give thanks I know I'm lucky to still feel well and have an appetite, and I just have to deal with it as best I can.

I give thanks for trying to get on with things even though I've been particularly inept today...and everything seems especially poignantly pointless.

In a similar vein

I was really looking forward to a treatment and having my tea cooked last night...and I give thanks for that as it's always good to think you have something to look forward to even when you're wrong! I give thanks I had a fishcake in the freezer...

I give thanks for getting some sleep in between the dread and the dreams. For waking up early enough to make the flat spick and span enough for the estate agent to take some more (more appealing?) photos and get the bus for my hospital appointment. For the journey being so scenic... And the frequency with which I'm making it making it possible to see the subtle seasonal changes. For the astonishing variety of colours in the stubble fields...

For putting my game face on for the vascular access clinic, trying to make the staff feel better about the fact that they really don't know what to do, and that there may be a few more attempts yet...but no guarantees. The other day it came to me I'm a bit like the Yul Brynner android in the original Westworld film. Break bits...Yep, still going. Chop bits off... Yep, still going. Knock me when I'm down... Ah, that finishes me. No, wait...I clamber up and get going again. I know I can't keep going on forever though, and I give thanks for that.

For Evelyn Glennie playing Vivaldi on the xylophone at the proms. Phil Collins on the radio in the hairdresser reminding me you can't hurry anything at all... For a snack lunch in a churchyard in the sun thinking I'd like to go for a walk when I got home, before realising both the sun and the energy would be gone by then.

I give thanks for bad news about something non medical on my return, so I could be upset about a different situation instead. For lots of lessons in not relying on stuff over the last twenty four hours...I clearly need lots of practice! I give thanks I *think* I'm going to make a cup of tea and turn on the TV, take the game face off and do some serious grieving this evening...but who knows, maybe that's not the way it'll turn out at all...

Strange daze

I've been in a bit of a strange mood today...kind of dazy and not quite switched on. I give thanks I didn't have much to do requiring a great deal of focussed attention or interaction.

I've been giving thanks in my head for some stuff not really appropriate to share with all and sundry here. Not that all and sundry read my blog...but you never know, they might...and might not want to hear all of the meanderings of my mind! For getting on with household chores and catching up with the in town ones in the mild weather and occasional sunny spells. For a takeaway tea and a slice of cake, the quietness of the beach and the stillness of the sea, the sigh of relief feeling in the air as locals can reclaim them. For the little blue butterflies of lobelia flowers. For cleaning windows and taking care of business matters.

Dressing down

My heavens I needed that break away... I give great thanks I got it! A year ago the sciatica was just settling in, and as I was due in hospital for hernia surgery I imagined a few day's rest and I'd be fine. I give thanks for my optimism, innocence and ignorance of how very unhappily wrong I was about to be on this and many other matters. I give thanks for feeling some optimism again...and for maybe being a bit better at just enjoying that and not expecting anything more.

While I was away I kept meaning to note my gratitude to Jan for minor but much needed nursing assistance, changing the dry dressing on my arm and applying and removing the waterproof topping which would be impossible with just one hand I think. I remembered while having to clingfilm myself last night for a bath. I give thanks I can do that one-handed though not easily...

I give thanks for a good firm mattress beneath me again, for the early sunlight at my window. For a pleasant day pottering about with various tasks of varying degrees of necessity, in between reading a book and catching up with recorded TV.  For giving the fridge a really good clean...including scrubbing the folds of the door seal, and disposing of ancient inedible items lurking in the bottom of bottles and jars. For not needing to do my hair or wear anything for anything other than cosiness and comfort. For the poignancy of autumn...the chill behind the sunshine, and the mournful cry of crows.

The girls (and boys) on the train

I give thanks the hen party on the train (and the sauce) this morning were not travelling with us for more than an hour...and for remembering to be happy for their pleasure in equal measure with other less compassionate thoughts.

I give thanks for saving my Portuguese custard tart from AMT until they'd disembarked and I could enjoy it in peace. It was the most nutritionally acceptable breakfast dish on offer and way nicer than the English sort...I wish I'd known this in advance as at £1.60 I would have bought two!

I give thanks the 'theatre trip' women drinking in the corridor were able to open and share a bottle of Asti in the swaying corridor without damaging or dampening me as I waited to use the loo! For crochet and garlic rich hummus keeping the seat next to me free for some miles after Jan got off, but that in the rowdy crowdedness after Bristol I was joined by a stunning eyed and friendly A level lad who'd been to a uni open day and was open to discussing his options with me. He was thinking about chemistry or maybe medicine in a hospital but not surgery...and said his mum had a friend who was an anaesthetist and might be able to get him a placement. The mind boggles!

I give thanks for he and an older lady with a view to the vestibule working out when it was safe for me to run the gauntlet of a boozy boys birthday outing for another toilet trip, and at the one change, not only arrival and departure being on schedule, but the pink bunny eared group of girls who tumbled into the station not heading for the same train. I give thanks for one of the on board staff being an old work friend and stopping for a chat...and for a pair of passengers who'd come down from oop north too having a laugh at the coincidence of us having the same final destination.

There's a lot to not be happy at coming home to, but I give thanks for the perennial delight of the last few miles of track, the communal cleaner having done his stuff and NO scary post or phone messages. In fact at the last blood test I'd slipped back into double figures...just...  Great! Better get the washing on and start planning another trip :-)

Rock chicks

I give thanks for finding on line a vegan cafe in one of the places we were planning to wander to today. This was for Jan alone as nuts and seeds and so on are full of things I'm already more full of than I should be. We'd already had delicious vegan Thai last night and 'afternoon tea' at noon (ie a jam and cream scone for me) so I was on a mission for a bit of battered fish and a bus to the lighthouse end of the wide beautiful bay while she munched plant food delights.

I give thanks though I found neither, I did eventually get to the lighthouse, and though I was too sore kneed to climb up the stairs I loved it anyway. I've a soft spot for islands and part time ones are especially magical. For the singing rocks (ie cunningly camouflaged birds on them) For meeting some ladies at the bus stop back who'd already seen us elsewhere and were able to tell Jan when they spotted her later that I was on the way via a fish shop they'd directed me to. Strange but true... Clearly we are quite distinctive visually which might explain why we've not seen any clothes or jewelry shops we've had to go in!

I give thanks for visiting the most lacy station I've ever seen in my life... And I've passed through or stopped at many. For a fascinating small towb museum that included an exhibition of local landmarks in Lego. The museum was the only one I recognised though!

Short on curlews

I give thanks for seeing some of a windswept coastline I thought I never would, as you either need a car or to know someone who has one and likes you enough to take you! I was aware the train didn't pass very close so I was delighted it went close enough for glimpses...and that the town that was our destination had a chunk of it of its own to admire with great delight.

I give thanks for the big Northern skies. For the graceful wind turbines doing their stuff. I give thanks for hearing one of my favourite sounds in the wholest widest world ever, long lost when I stopped walking in the wilds of Wales - the curlew's call! It is such a yearned for aural treat, I wondered at first if I was imaginatively constructing the sound from other bird noises, whistling dog owners etc. But it was true! For a lovely cliff top walk in bright sunshine, unintended as the map was misleading but very welcome anyway...

I give thanks for feeling in better health today than I did yesterday. For having my stitches out at a small friendly local hospital...and finding somewhere I could eat boring but necessary eggs on toast (my body making it clear I've been a bit too lax with the dietary restrictions lately). That Jan could have a lentil soup more pleasing than the ambience of the venue suggested it might be. For the French pâtisserie being out of the most forbidden concoctions when we went there for me to have a spoonful of sweet post suture tugging reward. Oh and for buckwheat crêpes for breakfast too, when we went to the market for that paella pan first thing...

Layers

I give thanks I'm still going, albeit weakly not strong... Never mind energy, even enthusiasm has been in short supply for me today, so I've been giving thanks for grim thoughts of what's waiting for me at home reminding me early departure is not the soft option.

I give thanks Jan had places she wanted to go and see so I could follow her plans and ambles. For spells of bright sunshine and missing showers when we were inside... For one of the being insides being in a cathedral while a very nice seeming lady vicar said prayers for the troubles in various parts of the world from a pulpit to rows of empty pews. That seemed a rather poignant moment to witness.

For managing to find things I can eat vaguely within the renal rules and within the vicinity of vegan menu items. For getting a heater for our chilly room. For resting my weary body on the bed this afternoon even though there was too much going on in my head to actually sleep...

For the layers in this photo

Hairy stiles

Phew! I give thanks for Jan bringing me a cup of tea or two in the last twenty four hours...the latest one after I brought back hummus and olives from a handy station supermarket shop at the end of a surprisingly energetic day.

Sometimes the 'serving suggestion' brochure images of a place promise more than they deliver don't they? (like the hotel pool and spa) so I give thanks for the glorious panorama promised at the Roman fort we went to today was at least as splendid as it had been cracked up to be. For the weather being mostly kind...and the great bleak beauty of the surroundings. For visiting an area I have wanted to for many years...and thought I never would/could.

I give thanks for giving up struggling with the tricksy latch on a gate and negotiating a stile designed for a race of giants instead. For the slight sense of 'Oh get on with it, woman!' I was feeling from Jan, waiting behind me as I tottered and squeaked,  giving way to much tottering and squeaking from her when she made her own attempt. That we found a wall in the woods way round to avoid a repeat performance on the way back to the bus stop. It's great walking country and we didn't want to provide comic entertainment to the tramping troops we encountered all day. For the bizarre way we kept re-meeting several couples and groups in different places throughout it...maybe they'd heard if they followed us we might do amusing non athletic attempts at climbing.

Bright lights

I give thanks for lots of things today. Good friends of course, and my poor ailing body valiantly trudging on...and various little moments of OKness here and there.

I give thanks for the deepest delight of experiencing one of my greatest pleasures - going somewhere new. For the lush grandeur of the hotel...check out the chandeliers!

For the friendly scale of the city, and the friendliness of the people we met...for the way a taxi driver at the lights jumped out of his cab, and a cyclist screeched to a halt to see if they could help a pedestrian who'd slipped on the wet pavement.

For the great tenderness of the universe which seemed to have decided as I can't go overseas, that overseas should come to me  so that within half an hour of arriving we were eating buckwheat crêpes served by a young man from the south of France. (Oh you know how I feel about crêpes...and accents!). We found an authentically staffed shop selling authentic Spanish goods - I'm going back to get a mini paella dish just right for tarte tatin! Also in the wonderful vast indoor market we drooled over Italian and Turkish delicacies before finding an international food week with a line of stalls outside and coming back to our slightly strange but adequate room with take away dhal and rice, with onion pakoras for in indoor tea after we've checked out the indoor pool, jacuzzi etc.

Fogiving the dream

I give thanks for the soft glowing rainbow in the grey of showers yesterday evening. For fireworks somewhere I couldn't identify but could see by leaning out the kitchen window...and hearing people cheering as well!

I give thanks for gradually recovering from a disturbing dream last night in which I was very vividly very happy. I've known some unkind things in my life but, honestly, my subconscious can be the meanest of all...

I give thanks for the aforementioned train journey moments. A lone lopsided Portaloo at the edge of a field. A stream of would be passengers hurtling down a platform hoping to make a tight connection. And as I've only very slightly managed to leave the county this last twelve months, I give thanks for briefly visiting another country en route! Light on the wide water of the estuary as we left it...  and fields ploughed, shorn and still with stripes of growing crops. For the trolley finally calling at my seat with tea...

I give thanks for John and Jo collecting me from the station and plying me with tea, cake and cauliflower cheese...

Poor shores

Tomorrow it's 'fish and chips on the beach' day. A year on from being officially diagnosed with cancer (after many months of much faffing about) I met with a few friends to sit by the beach huts, eat takeaways while watching the sun set, and quietly celebrate me still being alive. I hoped it would be a regular thing (Well you would wouldn't you?) but friends got busy and moved on and it never really did, though sometimes I managed to quietly slip off and do something meaningful by myself without getting too miserable about it.

This year I give extra thanks in the extra poignant circumstances I'm going to be staying with old friends for the night...and next morning setting off for a trip somewhere. It was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime (bearing in mind the limitations of the short changed version I have) but even the brief budget option turned out to be beyond my insurable/advisable limits. I give thanks for Jan going along with my dream and not being a nightmare when I found it couldn't come true. I give thanks it means I'm not going on a plane... Never my favourite way to travel unless they're very small and I'm not often that rich! Er... and that I can still go *somewhere*. That I still want to...and think it's worth the effort, logistics getting ever more complicated and baggage ever more unwieldy, literally and otherwise. That I've thought of somewhere we can easily get to where neither of us has been before and where there should be both scenery and appropriate eateries within reach.

Meanwhile I give thanks for a quiet day in the neighbourhood and a restful contemplative time pottering about collecting bits and bobs to put in a little light case. The bonus of forgoing foreign or even UK off track travel being you know you can probably easily obtain anything you wish you'd brought. For a cross body bag to avoid a repeat of that nasty crook of the elbow accident...and that said body part has recovered enough to do a bit of crochet. For only partaking in unmessy activities and refreshments. Don't want to spoil the clean and tidiness before I go.

Shouldering on

I give thanks for Alan Bennett's musings and journal extracts, first discovered accidentally when I saw Untold Stories  in a charity shop some years ago and, not surprisingly, felt a deep affinity with his thoughts regarding his health situation... despite so many obvious differences in our lives. Sometimes something he writes makes me think 'Oh, me too!' Today, in Keeping On Keeping On, it was a line about the glorious almost empty world one sees from train windows (or the top deck of buses). Something about the glass screen and the passing by, makes even the inhabitants one does spot seem quite unreal. I find it both moving and meditative. It's a way to glimpse the illusion of 'reality' and a comforting and unexpected plus to the minus of not having a car.

I give thanks for remembering to remind myself of this trudging through showers with shopping and prescriptions in a heavy bag that kept slipping down my cagoule sleeve from my shoulder and landing on my stitched up elbow crease. Most unpleasant! And if that wasn't nuisance enough, putting the hood up caused a favourite one off ear ring to leap from my lobe and lose itself. I give thanks this is clearly a sign I should treat myself to a new pair!

I give thanks for having a strange urge to scrub and sort this morning while both arms were fairly usable.  I guess it's not so strange...I'm aware more pain and incapacity is on the way, plus having a blood test yesterday and knowing how dodgy things are, I felt like I should have the place spick and span for either urgent hospital admittance or skipping off somewhere for a little escape while able...or maybe even a flat viewer while I'm not around. I'm not sure where that last thought came from but I'd just finished the bathroom and kitchen and got everything out of the cupboard under the stairs to access warmer clothing for cooler times, when the phone rang. Imagine my surprise when it wasn't a call about medical melodrama but an estate agent wanting to bring someone this afternoon!

I give thanks for tea and delicious buttercream filled ginger cake with Mima while they did. For not having any hope or expectation regarding the outcome, just aporeciating a very clean and tidy home this evening...

Sorely tempted

Just when I was losing hope of release I give thanks for sleep rescuing me from frets and fears of last night. For dreams neither too miserable...nor so happy that waking up was! I don't know about you, but I have a little five second recce just after I open my eyes regarding what page I'm on in the story of my life - What plates am I spinning? Which ones have just dropped? Which ones have smashed into sharp edged shards I must tread carefully over, and which ones have just tipped something messy somewhere hard to clean up? Lately I barely have time to draw a breath before I remember something or other I'd rather forget, and have to scour the corners of my mind to find a thought less depressing. Today a rug I'd taken a fancy popped into it...and I gave great thanks when I realised I had acquired such rug and it was awaiting my appreciation and admiration when I dragged myself out of bed!

I give thanks for the scenery seen from the top deck of the bus...especially the drifts of cyclamen under some of the trees. For accepting the impracticality of treating myself to some consolation prize treat in the city as the timing wasn't great...and then finding a second hand top to treat myself to in the charity shop on the hospital site! On the whole I tend to doubt the wisdom of taking comfort in material stuff, but as my first choice pick-me-up of exalting experience is becoming more problematic to provide, it's something when something makes me smile...

I give thanks for forgetting to take with a pinch of salt the sugar coated version of what would happen next given to me by the consultant...so that I walked quite jauntily down the long corridor to the next department where a nurse said 'Oh, no! That's not the way it is...have these bitter pills instead!' (well metaphorically anyway...) I give thanks my little wound looks very neat and not scary, and that the snickety niggly pain I have seems to be just the wiry sutures tweaking my delicate flesh. Shame I can't have them out just yet...and that when I could I probably cannot either unless I could just 'pop in' to a minor injuries unit or wait a very long time in an A & E.  Even more of a shame the procedure hasn't worked though, so I've got more very untempting attempts to go through yet...

Splashing out

Yay! Something happened the way it was 'supposed to'...and as this was something to do with partially alleviating the effects of a lot of things that didn't, I am very grateful indeed!

I give thanks for a busy morning trying to prepare for something else turning out OK-ish, busy with forms and paperwork.

For a pleasant afternoon weatherwise and Mima and her daughter taking me out on little shopping trip where I bought a new rug I'd been coveting. I tried to carry it very carefully (and Annabel helped in the end for which I was also grateful) but it was opening a door with the arm I'm not supposed to use as the other one was busy with the rug that upset my wound and made it bleed a bit again. It really does make everything very complicated trying to excuse it from all exertion. They should send you home with minions, never mind new dressings!

It's not looking good for taking up some upcoming opportunities to swim, and I'm not very grateful about that... I feel I should follow that with a 'Never mind, at least... ' sort of comment but I can't think of one. Oh well, never mind... I give thanks at least I tried.

I couldn't have one of those exceedingly good ice creams as they'll probably test my blood tomorrow, so I give thanks for a budget cream tea to share in the coach party ready acres of screwed down canteen seating. For sharing some less than appreciative views of these and other 'attractions' and facilities. They do sell exceedingly good rugs that my budget can stretch to though!

I give thanks for being on the receiving end of a few kind thoughts and deeds. Particular thanks for the ones from Bob...and for making people laugh in the doctor's about something rather sad. With so many big things going wrong no one can fix for me, even the littlest considerations and good intentions mean a lot just now.

I give thanks I nearly made soup last night so I'm off to finish it off in a bit...after I've sorted out my new rug (ready to get splashed no doubt!) I give thanks I've been practising using the vacuum one handed.

Fumble abode

Well, I give thanks the knock me sideways news this morning wasn't medical for a change. It's useful to be reminded of all the other ways a life can be in disarray, to remember all things are always liable to change and you'd do best not rely on anything turning out the way you think it might. I believe this is what some people mean when they say I have 'trust issues' and that I'm bringing it all on myself. No, trust me, if I had that much influence over events I would be inundated with abundance and comfort and joy! In the meantime I give thanks for trying to focus on the fact that though what I've heard definitely doesn't bode well...it's not actually gone bad yet.

I give thanks for Rachel coming last night and giving me a great treatment including use of a tuning fork thingy she got from the gong lady at the yoga/meditation weekend I couldn't go to. That she enthusiastically ate the rather lame meal I had prepared...and attended to the washing up, drying up and putting away afterwards! Don't know which bit of what she did did the trick but I've been feeling a lot better today, and give a lot of thanks for that.

I give thanks for my operated on arm feeling more 'normal' too, well within the bounds of what normal is for that one anyway...and that, beset by so many problems nothing but so much more money could make less problematic I fear, I decided to potter about making 'free' and easy things for the upcoming sale from odds and ends of fabric, haberdashery and beads. I give thanks for my creative energy, which may not be as much use as many other sorts, but which has given me (and a whole lot of other people) pleasure over the years. I give thanks for chuckling at a notion that came into my head as the idea and the actuality of these took shape - 'I missed my true vocation in life' I thought, 'I should have been a craftsperson', forgetting for a moment that I was!

One weak later

I give thanks for remembering a week ago I was gleefully swimming, and talking about buying an inflatable dinghy to play around with. I feel so feeble today I must admit this presumably abandoned piece of kit looked rather desirable instead... I give thanks for noticing if you look closely it seems as if there's a creature's face on the side of the wheelie bin!

I give thanks though my head keeps telling me I haven't the energy to put one foot in front of the other, my feet have been doing just that, and very s-l-o-w-l-y got me to town and back. I give thanks for not getting rained on...and for sitting on the seafront with a cup of tea summoning some strength for more footsteps whilst watching the ragged storm clouds trail across the horizon.

I give thanks I think Rachel is coming this evening to share some food and give me a quick acupuncture treatment. I give thanks I know I don't know for sure...

Clinging on

I give thanks for a sofa so good afternoon today, snoozing in front of the TV after providing myself with brunch of pancakes and a late lunch of dhal. For keeping attempting to keep on top of the washing up...though it's always just slightly ahead as I keep on having one more cuppa, or one more cuppa and snack!

I give thanks for managing a reasonable job with the cling film at bath time, though not well enough to a actually have my arm in the water of course, which was a little complicated (as was getting in and out without using it for leverage or support)... but I gave thanks it was a whole lot easier than when I wasn't allowed to get my back more than slightly damp. I had a little epiphany looking at back at the last however many years of my life and thinking 'Journey? I'm not on a journey...I've not been anywhere, I've been kidnapped and held hostage!'

It's strange how some people think you're a bit less of a person if your body is broken or weak or wearing out, and can't do the things that they can...  because in the end everyone's body will be and just carrying on, albeit cack-handedly, with the challenges of unremarkable every day life when yours is challenging you makes you more of a superhuman than a substandard one.

I give thanks for working out what to do with the giant spider in the bath, knowing it would drown or die of cold outside in the rain - I released it onto the communal landing. And just about managed to scuttle back inside the door before it did.

I give thanks for managing a little bit of gentle craft work. Every so often my arm reminds me quite forcably there's been some recent brutality to take into account, but on the whole if I don't force it it's not too bad.

Don't mind if I do

The most wonderful thing about yesterday didn't happen until very late. I went to bed and fell straight to sleep before any rituals, procedures or practicalities...even turning out the light! I can always sleep for England after a general anaesthetic but a few locals in my arm seems to have had the same effect too...I guess it's my body trying to recover, from both the stress and the invasion.

I give thanks for trying to get on with stuff despite the tenderness and awkwardness. A light load of washing done...and, one handed, my hair not only washed but detangled afterwards! I give thanks for conditioner...For getting the rubbish and recycling out and a quick walk down to the sea and back to see how it felt to be outdoors, For a baggy sleeved hoodie covering up the large foam sausage on my elbow.

For Mima bringing me cake and the Ladybird book of Mindfulness to cheer me up, and helping me work out how to wrap my arm in clingfilm which is what I've been told to do in order to have a bath... Nobody said it was easy...

I give thanks Keeping On Keeping On has finally arrived electronically and free!

No change

I give thanks for the bright sunshiny day. I was supposed to be going away for the weekend to somewhere rather scenic, I'm told, so thanks too for imagining the feeling of optimism the good weather probably gives the other people who are still going or gone. For all the folk having happier times than me...heavens, I wish the neighbours were, they've been hard work the last couple of days...

For getting some sleep in the night...and when some crashing about upstairs awoke me (earplugs being tricksy things just now), for listening to the calling owls after it stopped. For rising to the challenge of assuaging my ravenous appetite within the bounds of what I'm allowed to eat and can be bothered to produce. And because I'm feeling rather sad and tearful, I give thanks I'm also very tired today so I can snatch little naps and not feel anything at all.

I give thanks for my arm not hurting as much as I feared it might do, for finding ways to deal with some of the inconveniences of its reduced abilities. For at least trying to get my head around the ones for which there is no work around... For managing at last to hack those bracelets off, and put on some normal clothes. I should probably think about changing my dressing...I give thanks it's not become urgent yet so I can chicken out!