Lingering

When I got home this evening someone set off some pretty fireworks across the way which I was grateful for. It was a week ago I started to feel poorly, and as I felt well enough to grab some food and eat it in front of the TV with fairy lights on and the hint of a promise of a good day tomorrow, it was nice to mark the sense of returning to where I'd been in a celebratory way.

One of my first jobs before I served up however was to raise a fault for my very intermittent broadband connection, as I'd tried everything I could and though several things seemed to work for a while, no solution lasted. I give thanks while I was still trying to decide which slot to book an engineer's visit for, the blue light on my router came on and stayed on so I abandoned that for some catch up via my smallish TV screen rather than my tiny tablet. Who would have thought some supper and a bit of Scandi Noir would have seemed such a festive treat? And when the signal started dropping again I give thanks for doing some jigsaw instead of creeping back off to bed!

As is the way with these matters, the worst of the symptoms still linger at night and I think I'm going to be weak and weary by day for a while to come, but I'm very grateful for the progress, and the prospect of more. Well, there'll have to be more...or I'll be clearing up the backlog of chores until Easter!

Plaisant

I give thanks for some pleasant patches in the day when I wasn't feeling too unwell, or weak, or frazzled by hassles of health admin and unavoidable household chores. For a sit by the window with the warm sunshine streaming in, watching folk enjoying being out in it, strolling around and playing adventure golf. For a couple of kayakers paddling home as the day waned, and remembering my own feeble but fantastically happy attempt.

For managing to calm my growing exasperation with more phone calls to and fro about more transport muddles...and yet another unwanted taxi at my door. I mostly only see the mess that's made of my travel, but the powers that are in charge of the system must surely be aware of a horrendously unwieldy and expensive bigger picture and come up with some improvements soon. Well, it helps to think so any way.

For a much more successful negotiation with the oncologist via her secretary, so she's agreed to phone me this week to talk about treatment instead of me having to go in to clinic. Surely this is the way forward in many similar situations where examination is not required? As above I give thanks for the optimism.

I give thanks for beginning to find some balance between regaining the missing pounds of flesh and functioning with missing millimetres of mercury. Food will help my blood pressure back to normal but I have to pick my time to get it or I have to rest again before I succeed. For starting a pleasing new book and a pleasing new Netflix series - these help very much with the resting bit!

Long

I give thanks for making it to the sofa, eating half a ready meal and a laden scone while watching Gavin and Stacey. Next challenge is get back off the sofa and back to bed. For the kindness of the nurses who understand how hard it is to get up and dressed and out to the unit when your body is begging you to obey the first rule of flu - staying warm and resting. I give thanks I'm allowed plenty of fluids anyway!

The main worry is, of course, that I could infect more patients. The wrong trousers was funny, as were the wrong leaves on the line but the wrong flu for this year's jab could have serious consequences, so I'm in isolation and wear a mask in public areas. They were stripping down the curtains when I left in case my constant coughing has sprayed spores on those and my first job in the morning has to be ringing oncology and advising I will not be bringing any remaining germs to waiting room full of folk with compromised immune systems on Tuesday. Luckily talking brings on coughing which should illustrate my point!

I give thanks for putting one set of fairy lights on to celebrate slight improvement, but the place still looks like Miss Havisham did Christmas on the Marie Celeste, including abandoned still wrapped up gifts.  Tidier and cleaner than the bedroom or kitchen though! I give thanks for how much light there was left in the sky as we drove out of the city. This was partly due to the faster moving traffic getting us to the outskirts quicker, but also of course to those lengthening days.

Touching

If someone tells you they've had a touch of flu, trust me - it was a only a cold! Flu doesn't touch you, it beats you metaphorically black and blue...and literally senseless. This is the mildest form I've had and it's still miles worse than even the flueyest cold. I'm grateful after my temperature climbed again last night the fever finally broke in the small hours and I feel I'm on a slow and possibly rocky road to recovery.

I give thanks for mini snacks of the kind you might tempt a sick child with - a couple of buttered crackers, a couple of fish fingers, a few segments of soft citrus or pineapple chunks. The size of these is as much to do with the effort of producing them and clearing up afterwards as my still delicate appetite. I give thanks for plenty of other food stuffs in stock for when I feel up to more, and for the council waste collection scheme so that what has become inedible waiting for me to be well enough to eat it does come in useful in other ways.

My sitting room is still pretty much out of bounds as sitting is so wearying, but I give thanks for being more awake today and able to enjoy books and Netflix in bed. For thinking I might be fit for a bath and moving in that direction when I received a phone call from Rob the dialysis unit matron saying they had arranged for a driver to deliver me some Tamiflu antiviral medication within the next hour. If we'd known it was flu, and it hadn't been Christmas I'd have been put on this before, being in a high risk group for complications, but what with it needing to be prescribed, my GPS surgery about to shut for the weekend and me incapable of getting to a chemist finding a way for me and the tablets to get together was complicated too. I must admit I was rather touched by the extra mile duty of care!

Surprising

I give thanks I did manage to take a shower last night although as I kept falling asleep instead of getting out of bed it was only just last night, and almost early this morning. I'd be surprised if I was awake three out of twenty four hours yesterday but this morning I still had to have naps in between the stages of getting ready to leave the house. I give thanks for planning ahead and starting the process early, and also for forewarning the unit that I was possibly contagious so they had a side room waiting, kept the door shut, and wore surgical masks in case they caught it. On hearing my symptoms they also did some tests including one for flu, which surprised me as though it certainly felt like flu I had had my jab. The swab came back positive however which, though it didn't make the symptoms any better, did stop me feeling I must have become a terrible wimp since my last cold a year or so ago.

I give thanks my temperature came back down to normalish during the day, though without the toastiness of a fever, and having shed an astonishing amount of my thin layer of insulation over the last few days, I spent the afternoon shivering despite a pile of blankets. I give thanks for slight restoration of appetite too, a few little nibbles here and there. I give thanks for being tucked up cosy in my own bed again now, fully dressed apart from coat and boots, partly because I didn't have the energy to undress, and partly because it will be handy if I decide I need to nibble again.

Little

I might have been even more grateful for lack of festive plans today but I've spent most of it in a multitude of small naps, as my temperature climbed and my body tried to heal, and have mostly been unaware it's been Boxing Day.

I did give thanks for replacing my washing up bowl not long ago so there was a spare for by the bed when my tummy was affected, and for eventually this evening feeling up to eating, and enjoying, a little clementine...and later on a biscuit! For beginning to think about doing stuff like having a shower. Though actually following through with the actions may be a challenge too far, it's a mental step in the right direction...For getting up to do a couple of other necessaries after writing the above a couple of hours ago and then falling properly asleep!

Unconscious

I wasn't alone this Christmas - a lurgy came to stay! And thank goodness it was just the two of us, as this uninvited and demanding guest managed to scupper even my vague plans for solitary dining and activities, and would have played havoc with any shared enterprise.

I've been grateful for Paracetamol for the aching, a hot water bottle and quilt for the shivers, and a trip to the sofa instead of a walk in the sunshine to make a change from groaning in bed. For stocking up on cough sweets on Monday even though I had no conscious idea a cough was on its way. For several short but very necessary naps. For my gifts...though most of them are still under the tree awaiting more enthusiastic attention than I could summon today. For not having to go to the unit tomorrow.

Blessed

I give thanks for the Christmas buffet last night. Well there wasn't really a buffet, but a plate full of everything I'd have chosen from one of there had. Stars of the wide selection were a couple of mushroom arancini from Waitrose via an Ocado delivery and Mima's freezer and some fancy pants 'hand finished' hummus with roasted garlic and chickpeas reduced to 50p at the Co op. Won't need a hand finishing that! With a candle lit Lush enhanced soak in the bath beforehand and some homemade apple flapjack pudding to finish up afterwards, I felt very blessed indeed.

I give thanks for waking up in plenty of time for the delivery of my new router this morning even if it had turned up at 7.00 am which of course it didn't! Also for the few minutes that it worked and I thought the problem had been solved! For my taxi turning up at approximately the right time and in approximately the right place after all those phone calls... and then some extra ones earlier today when it turned up at the wrong time first. For remembering I'm still faring batter than the patients whose transport is sticking to their unshifted shift days.

I give thanks for no hospital letters this morning, I think I've had as many of those through the post as cards this year! Yesterday they even managed to sneak in one for an appointment on 31st - just when I thought they were over for a couple of weeks. And just when I thought that was really enough someone phoned me this afternoon while I was having renal treatment to talk about cancer treatment. She started telling me dates and times, and I suggested maybe it could be discussed when I meet the oncologist on New Year's Eve. She didn't seem to know about me coming in for that but, having been informed, then said I would have to have a 'barrage' of blood tests that day too. So I explained that I needed to be out of one hospital sharpish to get to the other for my dialysis slot so perhaps the blood be taken while I was on the machine, and got a member of staff to explain what system to send the request on. Poor oncology lady seemed to think I was being a bit of nuisance having opinions and sensible suggestions instead of just docilely doing what I was told, so while I was on a roll I said actually I don't want to start the therapy at all until my mid month mini break, thank you very much which totally set the cat among the pigeons! I give thanks I have no regrets. The longer I can maintain my self interest and feistiness, the better for body and soul I'm sure, and if my days are numbered I'm determined to have a say in what I do with some of them...

I give thanks for the bright beautiful rainbows today, and for some new batteries for my fairy lights so all the colours show.

Free

I give thanks for a mild bright day to be out and about, especially as on the bus in the slow traffic I could appreciate the views for much longer! For one of those fave sausage free rolls to sustain me when the bus back appeared to be extremely delayed... plus a little bottle of Folkingtons pink lemonade to wash it down, a new one to me and a great find. Heavens I could even open the top! For the excellent local to the end of the route market hall supplying this and a couple of health food items I couldn't get at the local to me Co op. For that shop having some excellent bargains this morning however - some of which were actually what I'd gone in for! For my fridge and freezer being very snugly filled for a few days without shopping.

I give thanks for a cafe catch up with Mima during which, on the umpteenth attempt of the day, I managed to confirm some transport queries. I'm very grateful for the free hospital transport provided but it takes up an astonishing amount of my 'free' time trying to keep it correct and correct it when it's wrong, so I give thanks as well for having the wits and wherewithal to participate in this and not merely be at its mercy.

I give thanks for a nap when I got home to try to refill the sleep gap from the night when I gave up and did some jigsaw. For the feeling of freedom that comes from knowing I don't have to be anywhere but hospital for the next few days. Freedom seems to be a smaller sort of experience than it used to be, so I'm very grateful I know it can really only ever be a condition of the mind.

Seasonal

I give thanks for taxi drivers who remind me how lucky I am to be single and not mingling even a bit! For the beauties of winter, the trees in their naked glory and the blessing of living somewhere with four seasons to enjoy. For the jolly atmosphere on the ward as it's the last day for some of the staff, they are laden with gifts and have time with loved ones to look forward to. For having a side room again so I could listen to some meditation music and have a snooze despite all the raucous laughter. I reckon they'd been on the sherry but they assured me they're much worse when they have! t. For having a side room again so I could listen to some meditation music and have a snooze despite all the raucous laughter. I reckon they'd been on the sherry but they assured me they're much worse when they have!

I give thanks for valiant attempts to fix my internet last night. Never thought I'd miss an nte5 but at least with a screw you know what to do! For hotspot and data access via my mobile so I could also attempt to raise a fault on line but they've redesigned that as well and I had to phone someone in BT repair - ugh! Eventually I was advised the exchange had also been updated and my router was obsolete, so all my plugging and unplugging and turning things off and on again had been quite pointless really. I give thanks for being told a free replacement should be with me on Christmas Eve but as that's going to be a dialysis day best not to rely on it being received. I give thanks I bought a TV guide so I can see what's on without the internet dependent epg and also for ensuring it's turned to the right page as doing what I usually do on Monday means I keep forgetting it's Sunday today

Enlightening

I give thanks for getting my oats this year - in porridge, granola and crumble, of course, plus Oatly milk, cream, custard... and now caramel ice cream! These products are better for me than the dairy or soya versions and I'm grateful they taste pretty damn good as well.

Today has been mostly devoted to practising for 25th & 26th which for me, I hope. will involve not doing nothing exactly, but doing more of what feels good and less of what feels 'should'. I give thanks for a rough night last night leading to me feeling below par today as this was helpful in encouraging me not to feel driven to achieve. Also for discovering a way to whittle down one's to do list swiftly - simply cross items off whether you've done them or not. It is most liberating!

I give thanks for managing, after being forewarned by package posters, to be on the premises, awake and able when the postman rang my bell this morning and a courier this afternoon. For some presents to put under the tree...

I give thanks for getting scrubby with it in the bathroom in brief stages throughout the day so that it's now (almost) clean. For making a kind to kidneys vegetable stew to mature for tomorrow's evening meal. And for finding out a little bag of fresh thyme sprigs from the supermarket will gradually turn into dried thyme over time and still be good for popping in the pan. I give thanks that very soon the evenings will draw out again.

Light

I give thanks for waking early and rested enough to do quite a few things before getting ready to leave for the hospital. For mostly making my evening meal and for finding my favourite organic oat milk while out yesterday after neither the local health food shop nor Tesco's had it in stock and I wanted it for sauce. For unscheduled laundry occurring on a morning when laundry was scheduled and had yet to be done! For the taxi driver pointing out chickens in a garden when we were stopped at traffic lights. I hadn't noticed those before...

I give thanks for a change around today in the ward so that I ended up in a side room. More private and quiet, a window to look out of, plus you can have the bright overhead lights turned off...What a treat!

I give thanks for a relatively bright and clear afternoon so that as evening fell there was light in the sky all the way home which I've not experienced since the clocks went back and caused much visual delight. For thinking of somewhere to have lunch with my favourite lunch companion whom I hope to spend a day with in a few weeks' time. Even if it doesn't happen we both enjoy looking at menus and thinking of food!

Ironic

Yay, I finally started a jigsaw last night! I give thanks for the unproductivity, and the cosy feeling of a hot water bottle tucked behind my back and the digibox playing back a recorded Just a Minute while the wind and waves roared, the rain lashed and the vehicles splashed.

I give thanks after some months of juggling this and that my haemoglobin is reaching a more helpful level. It's great to have some more energy, but of course more energy tends to mean you do more energetic things and my goodness my sore points get sore. Last night I was convinced I must have the flu (despite the jab) but it turned out to be just everything hurting at once...which I guess I'm grateful for!

I give thanks the weather was better this morning as I'd a few things to pick up a short scenic train ride away, and though even getting dressed was a challenge I was so looking forward to not being in a taxi going along the same old bit of road! Unfortunately about the time we boarded the sky grew dark and the heavens opened and there wasn't a lot to see apart from different forms of water... When I got to my destination I just trudged as fast as I could through the streams and ponds on the pavements to my various destinations and back to the station. It was much too cold and windy and wet to amble, browse or even stop for refreshments or the loo, though I was heartily grateful for Greggs to stock up on their vegan sausage rolls and a giant home made flapjack from the market cafe...especially when the return train ground to a halt half way home and I was desperate for a snack!

Due to a red signal we had to wait a rather long time, and during that time we were informed when we did get to the next station we'd have to get out as the line was flooded further on. I give thanks in the milling crowds waiting for a replacement bus I found a member of staff and pleaded infirmity as this led to me being offered a free taxi to my home station which I accepted though inwardly shaking my head at the irony. Even more ironic was that just as I got out of it (pretty much outside my door which was much more convenient than on the other side of the tracks with stairs to negotiate) a train went along the line, followed by several more in each direction at normal intervals. Clearly the tide had subsided during the waiting and driving back!

I give thanks for the deepest hottest bath, my coat rack over the hall heater so bags and outer garments could dry, microwaved leftovers from yesterday's tea and a cosy snooze in my bed to set me up for thinking about what to make for tonight's...

Wild

My goodness me it's wild out there! I give thanks for extra time to watch the waves this morning as altering the time and destination for my taxi in on Monday meant it was wrong on Friday, wrong twice on Monday and wrong twice today! For free calls on my mobile now as it takes quite a few of them to sort it out as there are many middle men and women (plus their PC systems) to negotiate after my initial ringing in...and thus so many possibilities for error. For leaving my outdoor clothes on even after I knew it would be an hour's wait and so saving on the lecky bill, and also for making most of my dinner as a late start means a late finish and I need my food you know!

I give thanks they haven't built the sea wall yet because even without it when a gale this strong is blowing in this direction it blasts up under the railway bridge and makes the road outside a wind tunnel. Whip your hat off in a second it will! I give thanks I took mine off to cross the pavement.., in both directions today. That zinc supplement has made tufts grow where bald patches appeared soon after I started dialysis but it will be several months before they grow long enough to pad my head out.

I give thanks for quite pleasant drivers today. For the one who took me into the city waxing lyrical about the Seven Worlds series so I plan to check it out, and for the one home being impatient with the traffic so we went a bit of a different route and I got to see more Christmas lights. I give thanks for Rachel making these clever felt ornaments. They are probably meant to be seasonal, but if one of my patient plants doesn't mind they may dangle from its fronds all year round. Oh, and I'm still giving thanks for my table and chairs of course. Look at that lovely wood!

Solid

I give thanks the last of these two extra long and busy days is drawing to a close. They've been rather full on for a somewhat feeble soul, especially as I had such a poor sleep in between, but there's been some fun bits for sure. I give thanks for a jolly seasonal get together with some friends from the Revive group and for Wetherspoons for serving a range of food to cater for everyone's tastes. My curry main and pancake dessert will add another frown to the weight obsessed nurses faces tomorrow I'm sure but my taste buds and tummy were very happy.

I give thanks for going up the street to pay for my new dining set in the morning, for the delivery chaps coming down with them in the afternoon and for finding enough time in between to fit a good nap when I got home after lunch. For the chaps perseverance when the table refused to go through the door, and was then rather reluctant to come apart into manoeuvrable pieces. I was nearly in tears of disappointment but when it was settled in its corner I was almost crying with joy because it looks and feels so perfect there - solid, comfortable and perfectly blending in with other pieces in the room. I give thanks for having enough cash to give them a hefty tip.

I give thanks for the cheeriest Tesco driver delivering to the kitchen (without a murmur) most of what I ordered, and the most difficult items to substitute if they'd been out of stock... but the replacement bread and oat milk were no good at all so I'm grateful there are other shops for those. For chatting to him and discovering a couple weeks ago he delivered not groceries but, still in uniform, his wife's baby that arrived a little unexpectedly. No wonder he seemed so glowing and glad!

I give thanks tomorrow should be 'just' a dialysis day so might seem like a rest. I'm too tired tonight to even have a bath or start a jigsaw so finding spare space for the spare furniture until it finds new homes is clearly out of the question. I'm grateful once again for the size of my living room so there's room to manage for now.

Fishy

It gives me great pleasure to announce the decorating is done...for now! That's the filler, paint and wallpaper sort, I may still fiddle around with the seasonal trimmings...if I can find my fishing line for dangles. When I rooted through the box I was reminded of that Chatsworth Christmas programme, where they said more is more with baubles and lights in that massive mansion. Obviously I don't live in a stately home, but the proportions are a lot more stately than the flat I was in before and the garlands that graced my windows for years are too short for the width of these. I also give great thanks - frequently - for having a proper place to live  again after spending seven weeks without last winter. I was grateful to have a roof over my head, but that's not the same as a home.

I give thanks for managing to stir myself in time for my early ride to the first hospital of the day and that ward clerks managed to sort out the muddle that caused the taxi not to arrive. For forethought regarding the return journey which I suspected might be out of kilter as well...and for a member of nursing staff making the necessary phone call to prove me correct, and correct that too.

For the surgeon saying my fistula problem is easily fixable, and for being happily waylaid by a small celebratory cooked breakfast in the big hospital restaurant afterwards. I'd already had porridge before leaving home so for once didn't manage to eat all my packed lunch! I'm grateful I managed to leave room for a very hearty three course seasonal dinner with Rachel later. I was in charge of starter and dessert this year and my prosecco trifle was lush if I say so myself, but her mighty fish pie was pretty damn good too. I give thanks for the end of term feeling - the paintbrushes are washed and the washing up done. I may not need to eat again until the Revive group lunch tomorrow so I think it might be time to wallow in a very long hot bath...

Handy

It's handy that my hands still work, but the kind of work I've been expecting of them today leads to frequent go slows and all out strikes, so I'm grateful for patience and perseverance, and plain old giving up now and then. For not needing to go out apart from to the bins, or get dressed apart from the necessary coverage for warmth and decency, or cook apart from some prep for my contribution to tomorrow's dinner, and microwaving a ready meal. For thus getting almost everything done on the current to do list...plus a few tasks that weren't... and for even having a few more hours in the day to maybe manage some more, though I'm grateful I'm not counting on that!

I give thanks for a very long bath in the middle of the day to ensure nothing useful was done at all apart from getting clean. For my hearing being better than my concentration, so when I left a tap running I could hear the sink overflow (eventually) For a violent hailstorm with thunder and lightning very very exciting me...

I give thanks for finally getting round to watching the Alienist on Netflix. I put it on my list as soon as I joined but I'd only just read the book so had to wait a while. Wonderful adaptation!

Tuneful

I'm tired and I'm sore and I'm very grateful it's because I've been getting on with things! I'm also grateful there are not so many folk in my life these days who choose to tell me what they think I should choose to do with my time and energy - it really is a waste of theirs!

I give thanks for waking up late and after a sudden start remembering it was OK to do so, a bit of a rare treat these days. For the weather staying fine while I was out. For a kilted bagpipe player on the street. It was interesting to note how many people were saying it sounded like a strangled cat. Have they actual experience of pet abuse to compare...or did someone else say it sometime and they thought it sounded clever? The pipes are Marmite of course, and others are entitled a difference of opinion but they were one of the first musical instruments I encountered when I was a wee girl living Over the Sea to Skye and always set off some hiraeth - to mix the national metaphors!

I give thanks for a programme about the fabulous annual decoration displays at Chatsworth. I love a bit of seasonal sparkle and I give thanks for being able to enjoy some of the lit up windows and gardens in domestic homes nearby. Also for still being hopeful I'll get a few twinkly bits of my own sorted out before too long. There's one just small section of wall to be painted before I'll be happy to leave the rest, move some furniture back into place and see if any deckies I have are fit to use. I give thanks none of the above is scheduled to happen tonight - I've had a veggie burger in a bun with rice salad and I'm too full to move!

Pleased

I suspect some people I know have been rather smug today, but a whole lot more have been downhearted. I give thanks for those who are pleased - it is a nice feeling after all. Also for those who are concerned about the impact the election result will have on folk already struggling with poverty, illness, homelessness and hunger - even if they are not at the bottom of society's heap themselves. How wonderful it is that compassion for others is in their hearts rather than just self-interest and I  give thanks compassion is found in all political parties, religions, gender identities and job roles, even if it sometimes doesn't seem to be so. Oh and for that flexible configuration of nurses and 'forty' new hospitals on the way of course!

In this vein, after a frank discussion with one of the unit staff about the profusion of edible (and drinkable) gifts they receive from patients all year round, and to excess at Christmas, I give thanks I decided not to add to their pile of calorie laden goodies and get some useful stuff for the local homeless instead. I did get some renal diet friendly biscuit treats for my wardmates however, well the non diabetic ones! When the tea trolley lady came round she said she loved it when people brought in party rings to share as they made the patients smile. I gave great thanks for making some happy moments.

Organised

I give thanks on the whole I've been sleeping rather better the last few weeks. I also give thanks that last night, when I slept very badly, I got up in the small hours and made a chart of things on the to do list plus possible times to do them not so much with the intention of achieving a great deal but making spaces to achieve very little. It's the party season allegedly but I crave solitude and staying at home watching Netflix in my nightwear, reading books in the bath and working on a jigsaw with some recorded radio instead of conversation, and I give thanks for the people who understand I have a lot going on and need a lot more battery recharging time than I've been getting lately.

I give thanks for Andrew treating me to a portion of lush sticky toffee pudding and a lift home after our money talks today, also that I'd suggested we meet somewhere where it turned out I could finish my Christmas shopping so there were a few more ticks on the list and (much more important!) enjoy some soul soothing scenery. I give thanks I had to go out again later to attend to other business as wrapping was making my hands seize up...and for Julie giving me a lift home from that!

I give thanks for the stormy evening sky and the twinkly Christmas lights. For finally achieving a temporary arrangement of living room furniture and effects, that feels permanent enough to live comfortably in...and even begin to consider a spot of twinkly Christmasness of my own. For leftover stew, feta and bread from the freezer to make a quick and delicious meal.

Timely

I promised myself as soon as yesterday's papering was done, and the table back in the alcove, I'd start a jigsaw puzzle. Well sometimes we don't even keep promises to ourselves do we? Instead I had an ample sufficiency of food (not at the table either!) and fell asleep on the sofa with a TV programme on pause and then paused all productivity for a further while with a mindless tablet game! I was grateful for some more energy after this but got a bit scatty moving from one task to another and forgetting what I'd started. I give thanks for getting to the frying pan before smoke turned into fire!

This morning I found out the nasties in my lymph nodes are the sort that an immunotherapy drug might treat. I thought I was ambivalent about this until I saw the letter but there was a definite sense of gratitude at the news, though that might change of course when I've read all the info about the treatment and it's potentially detrimental effects! I'm grateful my head was so full of things to think about on the way to the hospital I could mentally drown out a droning moaning driver who resisted all my attempts at lightheartedness and humour.

I give thanks for showing the finger I couldn't see a splinter in (even though I'm sure I can feel one) to a young nurse with young minor injury trained eyes and a powerful phone torch...and her not being able to see one too! For her gentle needle removal so that my arm is not so horribly sore and stiff as it was last time - I may be able to tackle taking the drawers out of my merchant's chest now so I can shuffle it back across the room! For being allowed off the machine early to attend to a very urgent call of nature. Not only was it a great relief but it also meant I felt I'd regained a few minutes of my life. Next Monday I've another early appointment before dialysis and this time there's a two hour gap during which, although I have to change hospitals, there's really not much else to do but hang around in one or the other when I really do have lots of other things I'd like to be getting on with, including making my share of the alternatively seasonal dinner I have with Rachel this time of year.

I give thanks though the taxi was a bit late arriving to take me home, the route he took and the time he took it meant I saw the beautiful big moon rising between some buildings. For all the restorative cuppas my favourite mug has served me over the last few years. Tonight it fell out of my hand on the way to the kettle and is broken beyond me restoring it in return...so I also give thanks because it's a Buddhist mug it may well be reborn as a pencil holder!

Smooth

I give thanks the reason for today's early start was a pleasant one and, though it involved more going up and down stairs than I would have preferred, no going outdoors on a wet and very windy day. I've been full of aches and pains in all sorts of places and am grateful that within the bounds of having the sitting room largely out of action for decorating, and a decorator at large, I've been able to to relax and take it easy here and there (though not so much as to fall asleep despite great need and temptation!) I am so grateful to have a decent size flat so there were other areas to be out of the way in, but also, during the times we were in the same area, that this particular chap is one who can chat but also enjoy a companionable silence. For being able to more easily sew the last curtain hem when he took the rail down to put lining paper up.

I give thanks for the way the colours and designs I've recently chosen make the ones I've had for  varying numbers of years look as if they are part of some long range cunning design plan, and for something I've finally identified as the sense of calm smoothness that comes from no longer seeing blobs of filler everywhere!

I give thanks for emptying a couple of boxes still as yet unpacked and for finding a little bit of framed stitchery I've been looking for for ages on the floor behind one. Just need a few more shelves up and a couple of coats of paint on the newly insulated wall and more pictures and decorative items can find their home in my new home. I'm very happy with with where I've got to so far, but am looking forward to seeing forgotten treasures once again. For a nice Tesco delivery driver bringing the groceries up when I let him in on the buzzer, and thanking me for meeting him on the stairs to take some of the load and for putting clear location instructions on my account. For clearing and cleaning up the space around the sofa and a plate full of easy to cook/eat items as soon I was alone. For the distinct possibility of a nap as soon as I've posted this! For the thought that though it is a dialysis day I can have what will seem like a bit of a lie in tomorrow.

Full

Wow, that Co-op curry was worth waiting for! I give thanks for the best ready meal I've had in a long time, a generous spicy helping and vegan too!

I give thanks for sleeping reasonably well and waking early enough not to get ready for my earlier than usual departure at a reasonably leisurely pace. For positive and jolly meetings with the renal dietitian and consultant. Recent blood tests showed good enough results for them both to say I could have a jacket potato for lunch in the gap between seeing them and having dialysis, and I was so grateful for that! My diet is not short on carbs but there's a particular sort of comfortable fullness that comes with a spud that is especially welcome this time of year. I am also grateful for the comforting validation of my apparently haphazard choices regarding sticking to the food rules and slipping off the wagon. I struggle with doing stuff by the book, so being able to do it my way and do OK is something of a blessing.

I give thanks for surviving the day's cab driver challenges, and a staff member with such a powerful post treatment grip I am extra grateful I already made tonight's tea as moving my arm is to be avoided as much as can be and conveying the food in my mouth is likely to prove hard enough!

I give thanks for Insight Timer protecting my ears and mind on a very noisy ward with a peaceful meditation on...well...peace! That Mima is placing an Ocado order and offering to look for some of my Waitrose faves, and that Gary and I have pencilled in a cafe catch up for early January after he and Stephy have witnessed my rewritten will.

Empty

I give thanks for remembering to pop my postal ballot form in a mail box a few days ago. There were people on the street on Saturday asking others if they were planning to vote for this side or that, and if they had stopped me I would have enjoyed the smug moment of saying they were too late! I suppose it must sometimes happen but on the whole it doesn't seem very likely that a person who has made their mind up will change it on hearing opposing views. In fact it seems to me what occurs more often than not is that you don't even get a debate but a slanging match, with personal insults fired between participants or towards other party members.

I gave thanks for Clive coming to do some jobs for me this afternoon. We are about as diametrically opposed on subjects that lead to arguments, if not outright war, as it is possible to be and I give thanks for the tolerance and acceptance that can come from making a clear separation between a person and their speech or acts. One of his acts today was to take the last remaining storage heater off the wall and I give thanks for the lovely empty space where it was! We also discovered some of the liberal trunking around the walls mysteriously contained no cabling at all, while some other parts could be temporarily removed to assist the wallpaper man...and I'm grateful I had enough energy after an early night and long lie in to do the necessary extra prep on the newly exposed sections.

I give thanks there were those coveted curries back on the Co op shelves yesterday. I've started a stew with ancient veg, brown lentils and barley but that will be much more flavoursome for a slow cook and an overnight stand and I'm tired and hungry now!

Strong

If you'd asked me at a miserable three in the morning how I felt about my lack of close friends and family you'd have got a very different reply to three in the afternoon doing a spot of seasonal shopping. I love the giving but the getting is getting increasingly difficult, so I give thanks for not having to carry many presents very far, and for encountering a fair number of other folk shopping local while I did. For the pleased faces of those on the tills as purchases were made.

I give thanks for picking up my present to myself from the sorting office, an as new jigsaw for that happy day when at least some of the wallpaper is on the walls, the furniture back against them and the table is clean and clear. For relatively pleasant weather, not too cold or wet or windy, even a little sunshine now and then. For hummus and salad and bits for tea - just some garlic bread to heat up, hardly any dishes to do and time to devote to recuperation and snoozing.

I give thanks for finally receiving the PIP letter confirming my benefit rise. The ESA team have still got to decide if I'm fit to work, but a few people I know have hinted they think I am (if I just tried a little bit harder a little more often) so must not become complacent just yet. What I can do however is to start looking around for a cleaner, and I give great thanks for even the thought of that!

Also in the post was a follow up letter from oncology noting my extreme reluctance to have more of the chemo I had before. For those who consider I'm being a wuss about that too I draw your attention to the twelve hour treatment sessions (with no transport provided), the twenty four hour vomiting sessions...and recurrent TIAs, which may have been co-incidental but would I want to put that to the test?  Remembering how ill I was on the therapy when younger and fitter and not needing dialysis, I truly cannot see how I could fit the two together let alone survive them now. And it would still only be palliative care...and I'd still be in renal failure...there'd be no happy ending at the end.

Hmm, I give thanks for my blog for letting me think out loud! For the patient listening and sound advice I provide to myself when in need. I give thanks for my strength. Physically it's diminishing maybe, but growing in other ways...

Lively

I groaned when I saw the size of the vehicle I had to clamber up into today, with my joints still protesting about the amount of movement involved in yesterday. Oh but there were different noises when a portion of our road was blocked so we had to take a lush country lane detour, and the high seat meant I had a much better view than in a car! The driver could talk for England, but I forgave him for giving my ears such a battering as my eyes were having such a wonderful treat meanwhile. I'm grateful for hospital and public transport, and for the odd functional journeys friends sometimes provide, but scenic drives are almost unheard of these days and they do my soul such good! We came into the city a different way as well and I gave thanks for seeing streets I remember from living there many moons ago.

I give thanks when I got to my place on the ward the lady who had scared us all last time was not only there, but looking fine again. She is an ideal across the bay companion, being friendly but not chatty so we can exchange a few pleasantries and then leave each other be. Poor woman, she likes a nap during treatment though and she hardly got a chance to close her eyes today without someone asking if she was OK. I give thanks it's Friday night and I now have two days off, though an early start on Monday as I've appointments before dialysis starts. A weekend is never enough however, don't kid yourself on my behalf that it might be as workers often only have two days off in a row. Workers have holidays as well, sometimes more than one a year...and odd extra days maybe here and there...and sick leave...and retirement at the end. They are not slaves to the machine in nearly the same way. Nonetheless I give thanks the machine left me feeling fairly lively today, or perhaps more accurately...leaving the building in which it is housed. I give thanks foe getting stuck into a few jobs straight away, including rustling up some food, so now I can settle down and rest and eat it.

Educational

I bet if I said I didn't get much sleep last night you'd think it was due to pain or worry about my appointment, but no, I took meds for unwanted symptoms and the worry was about waking up and getting up in time, and how best to plan a productive itinerary afterwards with minimum expenditure of time and effort. I give thanks for managing the first part anyway, and for refraining from tearing the oncologist limb from limb when she explained that though treatment was a possibility she didn't want to discuss options yet as she didn't have the results she needed from the biopsy - so basically I had wrenched myself out of bed in the cold pre-dawn just for the pleasure of passing half hour in the waiting room!

I do rather wonder if I should be more worked up about all this than I am, but to be honest all future scenarios seem so intolerably grim I can only really focus my discontent on minor inconveniences like absence of the curry I'd planned to buy last night and of the entire hospital cafe where I'd planned to recuperate with a large well buttered tea cake after clinic. I give thanks for understanding sometimes sweating the small stuff is actually a fine idea!

Talking of which I give thanks for layers of clothing - it was freezing on the bus and roasting on the train. For a nap on the sofa when I returned, before I'd even taken my coat and boots off, let alone put the kettle on. For Julie coming to help with some top of the ladder decorating work, which inspired me to do a little more a little lower down. For remembering it was a year ago this evening when the sale of my old flat suddenly completed and I had to move down the road in a great hurry with what would fit in her car. I give thanks for the varied opportunities life provides for learning what you can live without.

Lucky

I give thanks for coming home at the end of the day. The lady on the bed opposite was very poorly this afternoon and though she seemed to be on the mend by the time I left, it was very sobering being reminded what a precarious position we are are all in in there, and of the poor lady who died in the same spot across the room from me a few months ago. Dialysis can be grim in many ways but we are very blessed at least it's offered.

I give thanks for a nice taxi driver to talk to on the journey back - a few more active brain cells than some! For a nice cup of tea and a bite of that chocolate cake when I got indoors, and remembering I made a pot of lentil and veg curry for my tea yesterday! I'm trying to psyche myself up to pop to the Co op before I eat it as I've an oncology appointment in the morning and am unlikely to want to shop or cook after I get back from that plus, if body and spirit are willing, a little look at a few of the stores and market stalls. Luckily I have a couple of coupons to spend that might help, one for a ready meal I'd like to try...and I give thanks for that.

Magic

Could it be magic? A practical joke? A cunning pre-election ploy? According to the chap who phoned again today, you see, my PIP is being upgraded to the full amount for everything immediately and backdated, simply as a result of a begging letter - no further proof of infirmity, appeal or tribunal required. This is practically unheard of as far as I can ascertain and though the thought is having this situation resolved for a while at least, is very comforting indeed I shall not be truly comfortable with giving thanks for it until the money is in my bank account and the paperwork in my hands.

For hunting down a gluten free steak pasty for my mate Clive who was coming on his scooter to do a few jobs...and then coming in his car with his wife and some bits from B&Q...and then, due to a nasty accident blocking the main road and self diverting traffic blocking the lanes, not coming at all! I tgive thanks for my freezer to put said item in. Also for the little GF and vegan friendly chocolate cake I'd taken out of this device for his delight. It will now delight me, in small portions of course as it's not very kidney friendly, alas. It is so rich it's possible to savour just a couple of bites at a time if you have some self control though. I give thanks for my self control!

I've been feeling pretty lousy the past twenty four hours so am grateful for more energy and less pain this evening, and thus being able to manage a couple of non essential tasks. For the wonderful sight of vertical stripes on the sea as it was so calm the clouds were reflected. For my creditor accepting my proposed repayment plan. For chipotle sauce. That spicy smokey sweet flavour is a favourite right now.

Helpful

'Tis the season when other people do nice stuff with other people and post about it on Facebook, so that those of us who don't can practice letting go of envy. I'm very grateful for the service they provide...along with the folk who complain about trials that also seem pretty enviable to me!

Today I've been being grateful for the opportunities for personal growth my own trials have given me. Well, trying to anyway. There's been a lot of physical discomfort in the form of hand cramps and general aches and pains from being quite active yesterday, so they've  made me re-evaluate the 'pace yourself' advice I scorn...and scorn it once again! It's still important to me to make my home as pleasant as can be before I'm too ill to care, and I do get a lot of pleasure even from the small successes along the way. The lack of success at getting drivers to turn their radios off on request, has reminded me I have to find other ways to deal with the mental stress of the hours of noise and jabber, after all I can't ask the staff to be quiet when they talk to each other across the room, or too loudly about sensitive subjects, or very loudly at the very hard of hearing gentleman who has lost his hearing aid so I must just get better at bearing it even if I can't manage a grin. And a call from the DWP saying they wanted to talk to me about something (at a time when I could not) led me to cast my mind once again over my recent life and double check I'm not guilty of any punishable benefit crime...and decide that whatever it is, it's something only their devious practices could come up with and I just have to brace myself for another financial blow.

I give thanks for the member of staff who finally managed to staunch the bleeding when my fistula became a fountain at the end of the day. For part making my dinner before I left at lunchtime as the necessary pressure has made my arm very sore (it may be a risotto, I'll have to let you know as I've never made one before). For pretty sunset skies, the brightness of the crescent moon and the twinkles appearing in windows, gardens and trees along the roadside.

Bueno

Haha! This morning I dreamt I heard the entryphone and woke up in a fluster to rush out of bed before I realised it was not only the wrong day, but also much too early! Never mind, I give thanks for lots of extra hours to practice being both appreciative and persevering...

For Clive popping by with some little bits of wood he'd cut and, though he wasn't stopping, seeing there was a shelf hindering the wallpaper removal and whizzing it off the wall with his cordless. For getting some more paper stripped...and for surviving the interesting phenomenon of double lock up in one hand with both my middle finger and thumb going into spasm at the same time but in opposite directions. For promising myself something out of the freezer for tea to try to save making it happen again on the right side, or on the left for trying to relive it of some duties. For there being half a Higgidy pie in there...every cloud you know!

For the often cloudless sky today, and bright crisp sunshine. For going out a little while to make my legs hurt as much as my arms. Thankfully I didn't manage to succeed with that!

Bello

I give thanks for making myself wake up early(ish) after yet another poor night's sleep. My reasoning was that the postman might ring the bell with a package - which he didn't - but it meant I was able to watch the impressive waves at high tide. I do understand they are big 'bad' waves eroding this stretch of coast, causing rust on cars, cancelled trains etc...but oh they make me feel so good!

For some periods of activity when I managed to achieve a pleasing amount, and times of snuggling up under a throw on the sofa, watching murders solved and having little drifts away from consciousness of the day. For a meat style vegan burger which smelt and looked quite gross actually tasting pretty good in a fancy pants caramelised onion ciabatta roll with a little salad and doritos on the side. I do rather like meals that feel like snacks...as though I do rather like cooking sometimes, sometimes it's rather nice to not! For all the many women I've met who have men in their lives who do the catering. I love to imagine how wonderful it must be that could be doing something else and someone calls "Food's ready!" but I must remember to be grateful that at least if you are your own head chef you get to choose what the food is!

I give thanks for spotting this little pink bellis that either survived emptying of tubs and baskets in the park, remaining gloriously un- muddy on a mound of clumps of earth... or is the austerity winter planting scheme in its entirety. Of course someone could have simply put it there deliberately to amuse observant souls like me, but if they did I'm grateful for that too!

Happy

Some women gin would do it..or diamonds perhaps...or shoes...but I was purring last night over a long barge docking at the place where we have no dock and an exchange of plant taking place. Big boats! Lights on dark water! Moving machinery!

I don't know if all the excitement contributed to my inability to sleep, but it seemed to be all the usual suspects of symptoms and concerns. It's a shame I didn't set my alarm when it got to 3 am, but I give thanks for my body clock waking me up in just enough time to get everything done. Also for using some of the night usefully, composing a message to the person I'm not dying quick enough for (the debt is due to be repaid in my will) as to what I can manage while I am living.

I give thanks for realising after two inward bound journeys in a row resulted in me being mansplained to within an inch of my sanity, that it's all a question of choosing your audience. For some reason these chaps are making a bit of an error of judgement there! And as I really felt the need for a little light off loading I was very grateful as I walked onto the ward for remembering I too should stop and assess whether the person on the receiving end would have any interest at all. Luckily it was the ideal member of staff with whom to share a bit of a rant and a lot of humour. I was very grateful for that! Likewise at 'coming off' time. There's not much nicer in life than making others laugh, now is there?

I give thanks for working out spring onion tops are a fine substitute for chives when you can't get your hands on the latter. For the decorator chap and I agreeing on a date for some more application of various papers. I'm very grateful the space is big enough to use half of it while the other side is being done but it would be pleasant to see some more progress and to have my books and bits back in. I give thanks for having a quick look at the lights switch on proceedings when I got home, but it was too cold to be just in my treatment/travelling clothes and I was even more grateful not to stay to the end. They've fixed and switched on the weather vulnerable lower brook lights outside my window and that's good enough for me.

Fresh

I give thanks for a still morning with pale sunshine on the flat sea and mountains of clouds beyond, a little cabin cruiser heading south across the bay... For trying to get a snap and then being reminded of that picture of Jeremy on the train - posed and posted most calculatingly I'm sure, but charming nonetheless compared to the general mire of improbable propaganda and promises on all sides. For the team of chaps with shovels, wheelbarrows and power washers, cleaning the hillsides off the footpath by the brook where the floodwater deposited them earlier in the week.

I've not had a lot of energy but I give thanks by afternoon I was capable of hunting down various purchases including a mini mostly lentil 'nut roast' for a festive meal. These are made locally and some are popped into the local health food shop freezer where, as they say on the packet, they keep for three months. It was only after I got mine home however I realised it had already been in a state of suspended animation since mid July, so I'm grateful after some pressing my point on the phone they have agreed to exchange it for one rather less ancient! I give thanks for the ladies in the little paint shop dipping me a stick to take home to try, and Julie collecting some big tins from the big shop for me, which we would bought when we were there a week or two ago, only it was much cheaper to order on line! Oh and for her collecting me on the way to deliver them to my 'shed' as well. I also give thanks for a new washing up bowl in a lively shade of green, some chipotle sauce to spice up my savories and some budget candles to enhance my bath time, which reminds me - it's time for a rose perfumed wallow!

Fine

Oooh these winter evening skies, aren't they marvellous? Even when there's no sunset colours you get the stormy streaks and banks of cloud, and sometimes a bare tree silhouetted against a still light patch. I give thanks for how especially pleasing these are after being cooped up indoors with not a lot more to see than walls. Actually, today, as a patient came off a machine early and another one had transport problems and was late, I was given a side room. This is a wonderful treat for me, and I got to see some windows and rooves and an interesting shadow when the sun came out which I would have loved to have caught a picture of but I couldn't hold my phone.

I give thanks for the good sister being the one to answer my bell when my blood pressure went right down again, so that I was soon sorted and feeling well enough for food, catch up TV and soothing music. For the Wednesday tea maker who usually makes an evil brew, producing something quite palatable today. For trying very hard to be nicer to people I find it hard to appreciate...with some success I think. For the film All is Lost amply demonstrating whatever we are going through worse things happen at sea...

Bright

I give thanks for making a range of purposeful plans for today. I'm so lucky to be so self motivated, some people don't know just what to do with themselves do they? Also that none of these schemes were time specific in their execution as the worst kind joint and muscle pain descended on me last night and stayed with me throughout the day. I've not had it this bad for several months and I give great thanks for that!

I give thanks for the workmen being back at their sea wall building so I could watch them for a while with a comforting small hours snack. For the bright and breezy weather for those going out and about, and for myself for being able to take a day off  from pretty much all tasks and responsibilities and get as much rest as possible. What a blessing that is when you're below par... And what a mystery when you have a fluctuating condition that your capability can vary so much. I literally cannot imagine being the relatively active soul of just twenty four ago! I do give thanks she remembered paracetamol when she went to the shop though...and picked up a bag of their famously accidental vegan custard donuts reduced to 30p!

Fair

Starting today there's a new way of working on the ward and it means we patients have permanent places, so I've been worrying where mine might be. I give thanks for the ways in which my allocation pleases me - the relatively stable internet access for one, no glaring light over my head and not being next to those freezing air conditioning units. I'm not next to crunchy man either though he is not far away, and it's a busy bustly spot so I shall be very grateful when I finally get round to upgrading my headphones and maybe hearing less of the endless intrusive noise.

I give thanks for sleeping passably well without any chemical assistance so going without a nap during treatment wasn't too much of a hardship. For that wonderfully relaxing music to listen to to help me feel detached. For the sense of relief when I exited the cab home outside - the drivers today would not have not been my first, second or several other sorts of choice but I'm very grateful they took me to and fro nonetheless. For having enough energy to raid the Co-op and admire the coloured strings of brook lights reflected in the water on the way.

For something I want to watch and listen to on TV instead of the dreadful drone of radios in the taxis and TVs on the unit, For a ready meal to save on cooking and cleaning up after. They sure do save on taste though, don't they? I give thanks I've proper food planned for the next couple of days!

Da

There was a lot that needed doing yesterday so I'm grateful for feeling really rather human and getting a lot of it done. Today, however, I've been in rag doll mode and very achey and though there's a lot more I'd have liked to get done I give thanks for being so ineffectual at it flopping about has been pretty much the only thing achieved. For a meal I could merely assemble with coleslaw, hummus, garlic bread, olives etc and for leftovers of the somewhat over sweet but still pleasant version of a crumble I made yesterday evening. I should know better than to follow recipes measurements precisely - I so rarely do and it's not (just) through ingrained rebellion at being given orders!

I give thanks for catching up with the fascinating first programme of a C4 series about the environmental and biological factors that predispose individuals to murder, and for a new Netflix offering about a dodgy goings on with a yoga guru, For murky weather so I was hardly tempted to look out of the window, let alone go outside. For successfully negotiating a price on a second hand jigsaw reportedly in excellent condition and from the same range as my jewelry one which is one of my all time favourites. This one is called Crafty Yarns and the picture is rather like what would happen if I tipped one of my wool stash boxes on the floor. I would really like to be doing some knitting but my hands are too sore from paintbrushes, sandpaper and scrapers...and I'd really like to be doing a jigsaw but as long as I'm still using paintbrushes, sandpaper and scrapers in the living room probably best not! I give thanks today's purchase feels like a step in the right direction to relaxed enjoyment of my lounging space even if there's not been much in the way of prep or decorating...

Blissful

There was no internet where I was in the ward yesterday, so it was only late last night I caught up with emails and discovered my query about the charge for changing my leccy meter for a single tariff had resulted in it being dropped. Woohoo, I am most grateful for that! It's a bit of a shame I left my bedroom heater on what is now non economy rate night...but only on 'frost control' and oh I was grateful for the extra cosiness!

Actually it wasn't very late as the aches were very horrid, and I took some medication and buried myself in bed. I give my bed is my friend again after that difficult time with my back, and for the bliss of a decent sleep.

Bliss is not a state I'm experiencing a lot of lately so I was very grateful for there being a satisfying amount today. It was so good to be able to potter around at my own pace in the morning, and then head over to where Rachel lives to hide something she left behind on Monday in a bush outside as she was elsewhere today. The wind and rain had died down by the time I set off and I gave thanks I could haul myself up to the tourist seat on an almost empty top deck to quietly admire the scenic views. There was low cloud hovering over the sea and hanging on the the high ground, and when we climbed up the hill the atmospheric mistiness between the bright coloured leaves on the trees had me catching my breath in delight. I've not been along that road for a long while so it was a wonderful treat and felt rather like being on holiday. For the chance to visit my favourite food store too and come back with assorted lightweight goodies...For just listening to what's inside my head instead of what's in other people's!

I give thanks my joints have been mostly well behaved as long as there has been plenty of rest between activity. For buttered crumpets and bus rides helping with this when I was out, and the remote control and sofa since I've been home. I give thanks for making my tea yesterday so I could do a few small decorating jobs instead when I got home, and can now soak in the bath and just heat it up for a lazy end to the day.

Schón*

What a difference the end of the day makes eh? I give thanks for surviving another mentally arduous session of what I'm grateful is meant to make me physically fit(ter). This afternoon I was between the ferocious air conditioning unit and the nurses station where staff gather between duties to make a lot of noise! I give thanks they seem happy in their work, and got to hear them planning holidays too. Aaargh!!!

I give thanks for starting to feel a whole lot better about five seconds after shutting the cab door behind me. Woohoo, it's the weekend - no small talk required, in fact no talk at all if I am not so inclined! I give thanks for appreciating the irony of writing the last sentence earlier, getting sidetracked by finishing tonight's delicious but relatively renally kindly cauliflower cheese* and making tomorrow's spicy lentils...and then finding a friend of a friend on Facebook suggesting as I'm not interested in political debate I must prefer small talk. I give thanks for those who know me and know just because that kind of thing is not my thing doesn't mean I'm some kind of intellectually inferior being...well not for that particular reason anyway!

I give thanks I'm slowing down and beginning to relax now - sometimes I'm like a kid out of school when I'm finally released from the machine and the cooped up feeling, maniacally dashing round the flat. For recorded progranmes to watch to avoid the offered schedule. For the sound of the wind and rough sea and swooshing cars, and sight of the twinkly coloured lights in the shops across the way. They are small shops in a small town so it's very low key, and somehow reminds me of my first Christmas on the mainland when I had to be dragged away from all the windows sporting fairy lights when I just wanted to look and look and look

* Yes, I know that's wrong kind of o, but it's the only non-English one I could make my laptop do!
**oat milk, and mostly soft cheeses, just a little cheddar sprinkles on top with some breadcrumbs

Gut

I give thanks the hospital tries to schedule most renally related appointments on dialysis days as, although I'm grateful for all the care the NHS gives me, sometimes it is most holistically healthful and helpful to have as much of a day off as is possible when you have multiple morbidities to juggle. (I give thanks for the term morbidity too - in these times of careful phraseology what a gloriously unapologetically morbid word that is!) Today I gave thanks that I was able to phone in and re-organise over enthusiastic diary filling that required me to be in two different hospitals in shorter succession than was likely to be feasible for a feeble bodied soul...oh and as a plus I got a later slot too. Even with the benefit of hospital transport having to be on site by nine is a tad too early for me!

I give thanks for Julie coming to finish the high level painting ready for Sam to come next week if he is free, and for how well she managed in the growing darkness as an engineer was changing my electricity meter and the power was off. For her picking up prescriptions for me and Kay's tasty vegan and gluten free bakes before she arrived, and for the encouragement of company to make me have a quick potter round the Co-op as she went on her way - they didn't have my fave tea bags but they did have a caulifower for 29p  so it was worth the effort just for that

I give thanks as far as this first part of the loving room goes, there's just a bit more sanding and filling from me nearer floor level now, though there is a small questionable area of plaster that probably needs removing and replacing I'm going to leave that to see if the expert thinks we can get away without. Despite the boost from acupuncture yesterday, and having my tea made and washing up done, a couple of wakeful nights with no naps in between have left me rather weary so tonight I'm grateful I should be able to get away with doing nothing more useful than making some easy food and lolling about on the sofa with the TV. (I give thanks for the food, sofa, TV and electricity of course!)

Bon

I give thanks for finally catching up with the final match of the ATP finals when I got home yesterday. Quite a cliffhanger, and a very good bit for sure! For the parts of the night when I managed to get some sleep... and for the part of the afternoon when I thought I might have a catch up nap to top me up, but as they'd put me between the man who crunches sweets for hours, and the one who thinks if he's wearing headphones it's all right to sing or talk to the TV, there was no success with that. The internet kept dropping so I couldn't drown them out with my meditation app and could only give thanks for a) trying to be grateful they were having a better time than me, and b) to understand that the rest of the afternoon's annoyances were extra annoying simply because I was so tired. I give thanks that Rachel is due in a little while and bringing food, she says, as well!

Sweet

I give thanks for the deep sleep of adequate analgesia. For waking up this morning and being very grateful I didn't have to get up straight away...until I turned over and realised I'd slept through a malfunction of urological technology and needed to get up even quicker than that! I guess on the whole I'm grateful I didn't have to deal with the situation in the middle of a very nippy night, and I'm grateful of course, that I still have urological function to deal with as it means I don't have to restrict my fluid intake between treatments...but it can be swings and roundabouts with output sometimes, and make me rather morose when things go awry.

Feeling rather cheated of a bit of leisurely time off and the worn off good humour in which I started the day, I give thanks for going back to bed with my tablet to finish off watching the Dublin Murders on BBC iplayer - it was too good to wait for my next dialysis session! For there being a whole raft of new offerings arriving on Netflix soon to while away the chair bound hours so there should be something good to replace it.

I give thanks for finally catching up with myself in time to catch the first of two buses to the hospital for my physio appointment, though I took so long about it I couldn't do most of the things I meant to on the way. I was very grateful I'd arranged to do something after - treat Julie and Spencer (and myself!) to tea in a cafe with loads of veggie and vegan options to say an early Happy Birthday to Julie and thank you to them both for all the help they give me with shopping, lifts, furniture moving and diy. We all spent most of the journey home saying how nice it had been, which I think means it probably was...and so filling that none of us could manage dessert which is pretty much a first!¬

Great

I give thanks for spotting a history of Just a Minute by the live great Nicholas Parsons on a charity shop book shelf a week of two. He is such a fascinating chap and still going pretty strong in his nineties bless him! For being able to hold and enjoy reading it in the bath last night as both hands kept going into spasm in response to what they considered overwork during the day. For the taped up dustsheets in the living room and jam on the fridge door making the place look like an American murder movie! Oh, and for my endlessly entertaining (to me!) sense of humour - my fingers are still fumbly today and I just typed the penultimate word in the last sentence as if Neil Oliver had spoken it, and it made me chuckle. I also made some staff have a laugh today, which is always something to be grateful for...well, if you've done it deliberately rather than by accident! I have to answer two questions before I have my new improved non hair destroying anti-coagulant. The first one is  'What is your date of birth?' and the second 'Do you have any active bleeding?' 'Yes!' I said to that one...'I've blood pouring out of my arm into a machine!' Clearly no one has responded like that before!

I give thanks I don't have to be at hospital until the late afternoon tomorrow - and that it's a different hospital. Woohoo, a change of scene!

Nice

I give thanks for some breaks in the aches so I've been able to get on with some useful things since my last post. For some breaks between that so I could do some important lolling around as well! For some decorating jobs that were within my capabilities to prepare for Julie coming to help with some that were not. For a lot of laughter while we were improving the look and feel of my home and getting ready for Sam to come again when he is free and do the tasks neither of us feel confident to touch. For Kay's delicious vegan and gluten free cakes to keep us going. For making the lushest veggie mince sauce to go with pasta for my tea - though it was so good I ate tomorrow's portion too unfortunately! Oh, and I keep meaning to say how grateful I am to be able to have baths and showers again without long plastic socks. The nail beds are gradually toughening up and though they are still tender and cause a twinge now and then, it is nothing compared to the agony of ingrowing nails.

OK

I felt quite sorry for myself last night, so I give thanks for accepting this is perfectly OK in the circumstances. My joints were too sore to get in the bath, my renal restlessnesses too ferocious to sleep and, despite my best efforts, worries about money and illness kept returning to my mind. For a while there I even wished I had someone to talk to, and then recalled the incredibly unhelpful things folk sometimes say...and was very grateful I did not! I did give thanks I've read a book by a neurologist that explained the processes behind that very human trait of considering one's own blessings plus others' misfortunes to be justly deserved in some way (though not, of course, the other way around!) and resolved that next time someone is being insufferably smug I can be secretly smug back because, I know it's a trick of evolution that causes their lack of empathy.

I gave thanks a chance remark yesterday led me to the idea of having breakfast out today, as I had to go up the street to post some stuff before lunchtime. There's a place I've had a delicious mini eggs Benedict a couple of times - such a treat to find something I can eat on a menu, and that feels more special than something I'd make. And, after a poor night's sleep for checking the restaurant website and seeing this treat had been dropped before leaping (relative term) out of bed. Later I gave thanks for finding another bigger, pricier version at a cafe a few doors away, deciding I was worth it and the spending freeze run to it...though also for waiting until the place was less teeming with clientele as my stumbles and fumbles and clumsy table manners make me hard to be close to, I know.

I give thanks for letting myself take it as easy as I wanted to for the rest of the day, as motivation and mojo have done a rather understandable vanishing act for now. For my oncologist's appointment coming through, and it being with a woman I saw some years ago before she had to take time off while her own cancer was treated. She seemed quite reasonable and approachable even before having this eye opening life experience, but I do find these meetings very wearing on the spirit, and the body when I have to be there for 10 and will have to be up at what seems to me on a non dialysis day as seriously stupid o'clock!

Agradable

I must have listened to weeks of chill out and meditation music over the the years, so I was surprised and grateful to find some that really hits the spot (gently) on the Insight Timer app. It helps me to drift off a while on a bustling dialysis ward.

The lights are bright in there so I was also grateful for a soft scarf to drape across my eyelids to assist my snooze. Unfortunately this caused a loud voiced member of staff had to wonder verbally if I was OK as she stood by my bed, so I was dragged ungratefully back to the real world! On the plus side I did then spot another nurse I did want to see, and finally after some weeks of fruitless asking, I'm getting an appointment to see why there is a sharp bit under the skin where they put the band round my fistula. I suspect the appointment may lead to more surgery, which cheers me not a jot, but I do give thanks if it needs it the option will be there.

I give thanks it's Friday, it's been a tough week and when I got home there was some scary financial news to assimilate. Someone I owe some money to wants it back, which is fair enough, but if I take it out of my pension pot to give it to him they'll stop my benefits again which is not! Oh dear...

I give thanks for a hot water bottle on a nippy night, and that this morning I put a cosier duvet on the bed. Might go mad and have a long hot bath later...when you feel beset on many sides by many things, it's important to try to treat yourself in the best way you possibly can.

Welcome

So much to do...and how much time to do it? I give thanks for knowing nobody usually knows! For my unexpected energy yesterday evening which helped me be productive, morphed into a restless night...and then led to a very leisurely day. For an extended lie in, long hot bath, a good book and some good tennis on TV. I really felt the need for a relaxed and soothing day do it was a great treat to be able to have one.

I give thanks I did get some cooking done in many small undemanding stages, and even a bit of painting around the edges where I hope Sam the decorator man will be applying wallpaper in a couple of weeks if he can squeeze me in.

'Tis the season to be jolly...envious of those not on a renal diet. Nuts, dried fruit, chocolate - all no no's, or at least no, you already had one, put it back! I give thanks when faced with some ready made pastry and a cooking apple needing eating up, I found lots of spice and some chopped candied orange peel made for an almost seasonal flavour...and also for the Co-op's toffee and ginger tarts, which are a little bit naughty but not nearly as much so as a mince pie and really rather yummy too.

Noventa y nueve

Ooh I give thanks for a perfect cup of tea before I left this morning - the simple delight of getting the water temperature, brew time and milk addition just right! Lots of cuppas are perfectly acceptable but a perfect one is bliss!

It seemed to be extra noisy on the ward today so I give thanks for soothing music instead of a nap. When I finally felt ready to stir myself again sit up and open my eyes, as if by magic my kidney consultant arrived to advise that yes, the results were back, and I needed to see a cancer one again in case there's anything that can be done. I was very grateful I was feeling particularly relaxed and mellow to receive this news, but I've had a long time to think about this possibility and was already as OK with it as probably a person can be, in fact rather blessed to have had so much practice at this sort of thing, and certainly relieved to finally know after such a long while of uncertainty...

I give thanks for feeling extra well and energetic when I got home, and sticking to plan A despite some delay and going out to raid the Co-op so I can stay indoors tomorrow if I so choose. When I'd reached the outside of the main door I realised I'd forgotten some stuff to go in the food bin and went back upstairs to get it  before continuing with my mission. Yep, that energetic - long may this continue! I give thanks the rain had stopped too, and the big puddles emptied down the drains. For two big bowls of leftover curry and rice for my supper...I did all yesterday's washing up before treatment today so I give thanks for once there's only a very small pile.

Noventa y ocho

You're gonna need a bigger coat, I said to myself when out on Sunday in my lightly padded mid season one...and a cosier hat as well! And with the freezing wind today I was very grateful for staying cosy bigger fleecy lined versions of both...

I give thanks for a barrage of eye tests to investigate the cataract situation and other matters as well. This took up much of my minimal energy and enthusiasm for the day, especially as I had to have those horrid dilating drops but I was very grateful to hear at the end of it nothing further needs to be done for now. For managing to scoop up a special offer on raspberries at the 'farm shop' on the way home, to add something fresh to the day's menu mostly based around leftovers and comforting stodge.

For discovering Junior Bake Off - so much more my culinary level and it's a joy to watch those precious still-forming beings too! Harry Hill in charge of the humour makes me also grateful for catch-up options that allow for fast forward here and there... I give thanks for rediscovering chives. They became a favourite in my teens when I began to meet people who enjoyed a variety of food (unlike my mother, poor soul), and I've grown them when I could. In supermarkets now, of course, you can buy a bagged bunch to chop, and they sure do liven up the rather bland cheeses I'm supposed to stick to.

Noventa y siete

I give thanks for being back home after a rather trying and intrusive afternoon.* Within one's own walls always has potential to please at times like these...but I do especially appreciate what lies within these particular ones, and indeed outside some of them too! I give thanks for how much more gracious its spaciousness is beginning to look...and for not dropping dead for doing a smidge more to move the decorating on a little last night when I finally got my second wind. For my medical carers being unperturbed by my hobbies, and pleased by my passing a cardiac test, as I was too of course!

I give thanks for sunshine to wait for the first taxi in, and for refraining from stabbing the second driver with my keys when he sniffed the entire journey. He's picked me up before and was just the same so he either has allergic rhinitis or a very bad coke habit! I give thanks for half made supper waiting for me... I was much more hungry than I was energetic when I got in.

*Oh and for realising why I had Simon and Garfunkel lyrics running through my head since I did. Gee but it IS great to be back home

Noventa y seis

I give thanks for half a night's sleep without any medical intervention. For waking up feeling mentally bright, though physically even more sore than yesterday. For the sun coming out and persuading me if I was going to be hurting I might as well be doing it outdoors. This used to be a favourite time of year for walking, as the countryside settles into winter, and I've been craving empty lanes, squelchy paths, damp moss on bare branches and ancient stone, those bracing hill top views... Meanwhile, back in the reality of the here and now, I give thanks there's an almost flat nature reserve a few bus stops away where, though it's still popular out of season, you can stroll a few yards in winter without meeting someone coming the other way - or in my case coming up on the inside for an overtake!

I give thanks for managing to hobble around a small corner of this area, feasting my eyes on the sludgy greens and browns of unmanicured vegetation and the cool blue of the sea and sky before coming back on the next cosy bus to do very little for the rest of the day but rest, snooze and scavenge in the kitchen. Oh and for spotting the flower buds swelling among the multicoloured leaves on this magnolia...

Anyone else wondering where the post titles are going next? Run out of languages I can count to 100 in, and after 3000 odd other headings over the years all manner of other vaguely witty or relevant words or phrases have been used at least once. I could just use numerals, or the date, give up being grateful or blogging about it... Not sure what to do yet to be honest!

Noventa y cinco

I give thanks for going upstairs on a bus today! The trick is not so much climbing the steps when your joints are hurting, but doing it without emitting involuntary grunts and groans and drawing attention to yourself! The purpose of the journey was not pain of course, but the pleasure of relative purposelessness ie not essential food shopping or an appointment for bodily maintenance...but just to enjoy the ride, different environs and horizons to admire from a day to day hospital trip and no driver demanding attention. As attempting this had been out of the question for quite a few months I was very grateful for success.

I give thanks for a gap in the cloud so I didn't get wet, could see out of the windows, and be reminded of Iago Prytherch...though I've been reciting the opening lines of the relevant poem so long from memory they're morphed into a version of my own. For relatively empty shops and streets and melodious Buddhist chanting in my ears. For coming across a few odds and ends I was pleased to find and, when I couldn't find some I really didn't want to go home without, and was trudging ever slower in my quest, for encountering the delightful Mr Haines for a hug and a chat about the mysterious sideways growth of the planet's population!

Noventa y cuatro

What a difference a good sleep makes. It's a shame I so often need medication to block out all the hindrances to it now, but I give thanks that something does do the trick and for deciding to only tak the pills occasionally they continue to do so.

I give thanks for the fresher feeling that comes from being rested...heavens, I even went out in the fresh sunshine to run a few errands before hospital! This was at least partly to get more pressing matters out of the way and create the feeling I can do whatsoever I choose over the weekend - well, out of the realistic possibilities anyway - and I give thanks for what a very pleasant feeling it is. For finally getting one of the nurses to pay attention to a concern of mine regarding my fistula, and another nurse doing a test to send off with a query. For another session passing without someone coming to talk about mine! Having hung round in death's back garden for such a long while I've kind of got comfortable on the bottom step and and am not overly keen to hear it's time to think again about knocking on the door. Having to prepare yourself every day for difficult news is an interesting psychological/spiritual challenge though, and I'm always grateful for them, even if often only in hindsight...

For coming home and being all pleased inside with how my hallway is coming on. It might not be to anyone else's taste but it satisfies mine a treat! For Mr Tesco bringing me some easy to cook food, so I could have some for tea (fresh pesto for my pasta - yum!) and use the last of the day's energy to put a some paint on a small section of newly insulated alcove and bring the living room along a little more too

Novena y tres

I give thanks I have evidence that I felt quite lively yesterday evening and paddled to the Co op even enjoying getting splashed by a car on the back, though it's hard to imagine today when very little sleep again has left me particularly zombified. I give thanks for watching the dawn bring colour to the sea and shape to the ships on the horizon. For most of my day being about waiting in for things to arrive as this wasn't too demanding, though the spacing meant I didn't get a chance for a restorative nap.

I give thanks for loving my new hall carpet, and for refusing to get stressed over the fact I measured the width in not quite the widest part do it doesn't quite fit. As it's woven it would fray terribly if cut and joined with tape, but I reckon as it's woven I might be able to actually sew the backing together. Not today though that's for sure.

Having found a large bag of boiling/baking spuds for 10p in the bargain section, I give thanks for seeing if I could replicate the garlic potato cakes Bob and I used to enjoy twenty odd years ago. After getting the text saying when the Tesco delivery was coming I prepared a passable dinner to eat beforehand with my first attempt...and just raised my first forkful to my mouth when the driver called to ask if I minded him arriving there and then! Oh well at least he carried it all upstairs and no more waiting is required apart from for a reasonable time to go to bed! Trying some items I've not had before I was surprised by how large they turned out to be, so for just about managing to cram everything into my fridge and freezer for now, and looking forward to lots of eating in days to come to create some space again.

Noventa y dos

All my joints are very ouchy and the renal tchy twitches kept me awake a lot of the night, so I woke up rather glum and wondering what I could do to feel more cheerful as it's a treatment day with lots of opportunities not to...or even worse to spread it around like a nasty germ. I'm all for acceptance, for finding fragments of gratitude and joy when times are hard, but I'm not so enlightened as to not want access to the same sources of earthly pleasure as most other first world humans do! It was early so I didn't have to get up straight away and started sifting through possibilities of ways to plans to make for another time. There are places I would like to go...could I get there? There are people I would like to see - would they feel like seeing me if I tried to make an arrangement. There are items I'd like to buy... can I afford them, and would they really improve my quality of life if I did?

I give great thanks, after a good ponder, for deciding the only way for sure to improve my state of mind would be to meditate more...and for the Insight Timer app for providing just the perfect guided session to suit me at that time.

I give thanks for a nice cup of tea on a Wednesday. The tea maker usually on duty then usually produces a brew that many complain about, so maybe she's got the message. For all my lunch box food also tasting particularly delicious. For a nice chat with one if the brighter young nurses (who also had a bad night and difficulty controlling a very expressive face and tone of voice) about the effort of making small talk politely and our over reliance of non committal noises in response to banalities.

I give thanks for the treatment making me feel better instead of worse this time, which after all is the general idea, and getting on and off the machine in record time so that I was waiting for the taxi driver instead of the other way around. Shame he was stuck in traffic...but it did mean I had time for a more mirth with the lovely research nurse as well. I go through life so rarely finding folk on anywhere near the same wavelength as myself, so encountering one or two among the hospital staff is something for which I am truly thankful!

Novena y uno

I give thanks for being able to be a snoozy Suzy this afternoon. Tired and very sore I wouldn't have minded spending the morning curled up under a quilt as well but I had to get up earlier than usual to be ready for the decorator coming, and I really am grateful his work was worth the effort...oh and the money too! Got to leave the lining paper to dry now before painting can start, so I give thanks I'm not raring to go...

I give thanks for managing to stay awake and somewhat upright while he was here, and for doing useful stuff like tackling a mound of washing up, making a pan of roasted cauliflower and chickpea soup for tomorrow's tea (and more washing up!) plus plans to make a similar recipe with less liquid next time as it would probably be a tasty spread as well.

I give thanks for my hot water bottle, for pain relief medication, for the occasional rocket visible while lying on the sofa. For a cheerful and chirpy Amazon delivery chap arriving while I was awake and already moving around. I'm still going in a phase of not at all avid reading, but these books looked like I might enjoy them when I am again and I was grateful to take them at a bargain price.

Noventa

What a lovely patch of sunshine this morning in between the showers! I give thanks for the surprising warmth of it while waiting for the taxi to come. For long silences between the driver's grumbles to enjoy the autumn coloured leaves and fields, stormy clouds and rainbows, ducks and geese practising flying in their skeins. For my favourite Romanian on the way home, who has a clever mind and a rather poetic soul. As we turned out of the hospital car park he said 'Now all we need is a sunset'!

I give thanks for sound advice from those who have more knowledge or experience than others have yet to acquire. It tends to work best if requested (or looked up on the internet!) as one is ready to listen and learn, but while the unsolicited sort can be useful too, it often seems less so for the recipient than for the donor who might want to brag a bit or patronise or simply tell a story about something that happened to them. Sometimes it's nigh on impossible to see who will benefit - like the warning I received recently not to work too hard on the flat or I might die before it's finished! Of course I might die before it's done, but the level of 'hard' in the quantity of 'work' I manage would seem to me to me to be more like the recommended short bursts of light exercise, than anything more life threatening than I have already...plus there's not even going to be the chance to say 'I told you so!' if I'm wrong!

I am grateful to be able to report feeling more invigorated than damaged by my weekend exertions, and for a few more before I went out. For being OK now I'm home again, but my goodness did my body struggle with treatment today, with repeated blood pressure plummets. I've never seen anyone shed this mortal coil whilst decorating, but I have witnessed them do so when this happens on dialysis, so I gave thanks for the good advice from a senior member of staff summoned when usual adjustments failed, and even more so when they unplugged me and I could return to the land of the living again.