Bello

I give thanks for making myself wake up early(ish) after yet another poor night's sleep. My reasoning was that the postman might ring the bell with a package - which he didn't - but it meant I was able to watch the impressive waves at high tide. I do understand they are big 'bad' waves eroding this stretch of coast, causing rust on cars, cancelled trains etc...but oh they make me feel so good!

For some periods of activity when I managed to achieve a pleasing amount, and times of snuggling up under a throw on the sofa, watching murders solved and having little drifts away from consciousness of the day. For a meat style vegan burger which smelt and looked quite gross actually tasting pretty good in a fancy pants caramelised onion ciabatta roll with a little salad and doritos on the side. I do rather like meals that feel like snacks...as though I do rather like cooking sometimes, sometimes it's rather nice to not! For all the many women I've met who have men in their lives who do the catering. I love to imagine how wonderful it must be that could be doing something else and someone calls "Food's ready!" but I must remember to be grateful that at least if you are your own head chef you get to choose what the food is!

I give thanks for spotting this little pink bellis that either survived emptying of tubs and baskets in the park, remaining gloriously un- muddy on a mound of clumps of earth... or is the austerity winter planting scheme in its entirety. Of course someone could have simply put it there deliberately to amuse observant souls like me, but if they did I'm grateful for that too!

Happy

Some women gin would do it..or diamonds perhaps...or shoes...but I was purring last night over a long barge docking at the place where we have no dock and an exchange of plant taking place. Big boats! Lights on dark water! Moving machinery!

I don't know if all the excitement contributed to my inability to sleep, but it seemed to be all the usual suspects of symptoms and concerns. It's a shame I didn't set my alarm when it got to 3 am, but I give thanks for my body clock waking me up in just enough time to get everything done. Also for using some of the night usefully, composing a message to the person I'm not dying quick enough for (the debt is due to be repaid in my will) as to what I can manage while I am living.

I give thanks for realising after two inward bound journeys in a row resulted in me being mansplained to within an inch of my sanity, that it's all a question of choosing your audience. For some reason these chaps are making a bit of an error of judgement there! And as I really felt the need for a little light off loading I was very grateful as I walked onto the ward for remembering I too should stop and assess whether the person on the receiving end would have any interest at all. Luckily it was the ideal member of staff with whom to share a bit of a rant and a lot of humour. I was very grateful for that! Likewise at 'coming off' time. There's not much nicer in life than making others laugh, now is there?

I give thanks for working out spring onion tops are a fine substitute for chives when you can't get your hands on the latter. For the decorator chap and I agreeing on a date for some more application of various papers. I'm very grateful the space is big enough to use half of it while the other side is being done but it would be pleasant to see some more progress and to have my books and bits back in. I give thanks for having a quick look at the lights switch on proceedings when I got home, but it was too cold to be just in my treatment/travelling clothes and I was even more grateful not to stay to the end. They've fixed and switched on the weather vulnerable lower brook lights outside my window and that's good enough for me.

Fresh

I give thanks for a still morning with pale sunshine on the flat sea and mountains of clouds beyond, a little cabin cruiser heading south across the bay... For trying to get a snap and then being reminded of that picture of Jeremy on the train - posed and posted most calculatingly I'm sure, but charming nonetheless compared to the general mire of improbable propaganda and promises on all sides. For the team of chaps with shovels, wheelbarrows and power washers, cleaning the hillsides off the footpath by the brook where the floodwater deposited them earlier in the week.

I've not had a lot of energy but I give thanks by afternoon I was capable of hunting down various purchases including a mini mostly lentil 'nut roast' for a festive meal. These are made locally and some are popped into the local health food shop freezer where, as they say on the packet, they keep for three months. It was only after I got mine home however I realised it had already been in a state of suspended animation since mid July, so I'm grateful after some pressing my point on the phone they have agreed to exchange it for one rather less ancient! I give thanks for the ladies in the little paint shop dipping me a stick to take home to try, and Julie collecting some big tins from the big shop for me, which we would bought when we were there a week or two ago, only it was much cheaper to order on line! Oh and for her collecting me on the way to deliver them to my 'shed' as well. I also give thanks for a new washing up bowl in a lively shade of green, some chipotle sauce to spice up my savories and some budget candles to enhance my bath time, which reminds me - it's time for a rose perfumed wallow!

Fine

Oooh these winter evening skies, aren't they marvellous? Even when there's no sunset colours you get the stormy streaks and banks of cloud, and sometimes a bare tree silhouetted against a still light patch. I give thanks for how especially pleasing these are after being cooped up indoors with not a lot more to see than walls. Actually, today, as a patient came off a machine early and another one had transport problems and was late, I was given a side room. This is a wonderful treat for me, and I got to see some windows and rooves and an interesting shadow when the sun came out which I would have loved to have caught a picture of but I couldn't hold my phone.

I give thanks for the good sister being the one to answer my bell when my blood pressure went right down again, so that I was soon sorted and feeling well enough for food, catch up TV and soothing music. For the Wednesday tea maker who usually makes an evil brew, producing something quite palatable today. For trying very hard to be nicer to people I find it hard to appreciate...with some success I think. For the film All is Lost amply demonstrating whatever we are going through worse things happen at sea...

Bright

I give thanks for making a range of purposeful plans for today. I'm so lucky to be so self motivated, some people don't know just what to do with themselves do they? Also that none of these schemes were time specific in their execution as the worst kind joint and muscle pain descended on me last night and stayed with me throughout the day. I've not had it this bad for several months and I give great thanks for that!

I give thanks for the workmen being back at their sea wall building so I could watch them for a while with a comforting small hours snack. For the bright and breezy weather for those going out and about, and for myself for being able to take a day off  from pretty much all tasks and responsibilities and get as much rest as possible. What a blessing that is when you're below par... And what a mystery when you have a fluctuating condition that your capability can vary so much. I literally cannot imagine being the relatively active soul of just twenty four ago! I do give thanks she remembered paracetamol when she went to the shop though...and picked up a bag of their famously accidental vegan custard donuts reduced to 30p!

Fair

Starting today there's a new way of working on the ward and it means we patients have permanent places, so I've been worrying where mine might be. I give thanks for the ways in which my allocation pleases me - the relatively stable internet access for one, no glaring light over my head and not being next to those freezing air conditioning units. I'm not next to crunchy man either though he is not far away, and it's a busy bustly spot so I shall be very grateful when I finally get round to upgrading my headphones and maybe hearing less of the endless intrusive noise.

I give thanks for sleeping passably well without any chemical assistance so going without a nap during treatment wasn't too much of a hardship. For that wonderfully relaxing music to listen to to help me feel detached. For the sense of relief when I exited the cab home outside - the drivers today would not have not been my first, second or several other sorts of choice but I'm very grateful they took me to and fro nonetheless. For having enough energy to raid the Co-op and admire the coloured strings of brook lights reflected in the water on the way.

For something I want to watch and listen to on TV instead of the dreadful drone of radios in the taxis and TVs on the unit, For a ready meal to save on cooking and cleaning up after. They sure do save on taste though, don't they? I give thanks I've proper food planned for the next couple of days!

Da

There was a lot that needed doing yesterday so I'm grateful for feeling really rather human and getting a lot of it done. Today, however, I've been in rag doll mode and very achey and though there's a lot more I'd have liked to get done I give thanks for being so ineffectual at it flopping about has been pretty much the only thing achieved. For a meal I could merely assemble with coleslaw, hummus, garlic bread, olives etc and for leftovers of the somewhat over sweet but still pleasant version of a crumble I made yesterday evening. I should know better than to follow recipes measurements precisely - I so rarely do and it's not (just) through ingrained rebellion at being given orders!

I give thanks for catching up with the fascinating first programme of a C4 series about the environmental and biological factors that predispose individuals to murder, and for a new Netflix offering about a dodgy goings on with a yoga guru, For murky weather so I was hardly tempted to look out of the window, let alone go outside. For successfully negotiating a price on a second hand jigsaw reportedly in excellent condition and from the same range as my jewelry one which is one of my all time favourites. This one is called Crafty Yarns and the picture is rather like what would happen if I tipped one of my wool stash boxes on the floor. I would really like to be doing some knitting but my hands are too sore from paintbrushes, sandpaper and scrapers...and I'd really like to be doing a jigsaw but as long as I'm still using paintbrushes, sandpaper and scrapers in the living room probably best not! I give thanks today's purchase feels like a step in the right direction to relaxed enjoyment of my lounging space even if there's not been much in the way of prep or decorating...

Blissful

There was no internet where I was in the ward yesterday, so it was only late last night I caught up with emails and discovered my query about the charge for changing my leccy meter for a single tariff had resulted in it being dropped. Woohoo, I am most grateful for that! It's a bit of a shame I left my bedroom heater on what is now non economy rate night...but only on 'frost control' and oh I was grateful for the extra cosiness!

Actually it wasn't very late as the aches were very horrid, and I took some medication and buried myself in bed. I give my bed is my friend again after that difficult time with my back, and for the bliss of a decent sleep.

Bliss is not a state I'm experiencing a lot of lately so I was very grateful for there being a satisfying amount today. It was so good to be able to potter around at my own pace in the morning, and then head over to where Rachel lives to hide something she left behind on Monday in a bush outside as she was elsewhere today. The wind and rain had died down by the time I set off and I gave thanks I could haul myself up to the tourist seat on an almost empty top deck to quietly admire the scenic views. There was low cloud hovering over the sea and hanging on the the high ground, and when we climbed up the hill the atmospheric mistiness between the bright coloured leaves on the trees had me catching my breath in delight. I've not been along that road for a long while so it was a wonderful treat and felt rather like being on holiday. For the chance to visit my favourite food store too and come back with assorted lightweight goodies...For just listening to what's inside my head instead of what's in other people's!

I give thanks my joints have been mostly well behaved as long as there has been plenty of rest between activity. For buttered crumpets and bus rides helping with this when I was out, and the remote control and sofa since I've been home. I give thanks for making my tea yesterday so I could do a few small decorating jobs instead when I got home, and can now soak in the bath and just heat it up for a lazy end to the day.

Schón*

What a difference the end of the day makes eh? I give thanks for surviving another mentally arduous session of what I'm grateful is meant to make me physically fit(ter). This afternoon I was between the ferocious air conditioning unit and the nurses station where staff gather between duties to make a lot of noise! I give thanks they seem happy in their work, and got to hear them planning holidays too. Aaargh!!!

I give thanks for starting to feel a whole lot better about five seconds after shutting the cab door behind me. Woohoo, it's the weekend - no small talk required, in fact no talk at all if I am not so inclined! I give thanks for appreciating the irony of writing the last sentence earlier, getting sidetracked by finishing tonight's delicious but relatively renally kindly cauliflower cheese* and making tomorrow's spicy lentils...and then finding a friend of a friend on Facebook suggesting as I'm not interested in political debate I must prefer small talk. I give thanks for those who know me and know just because that kind of thing is not my thing doesn't mean I'm some kind of intellectually inferior being...well not for that particular reason anyway!

I give thanks I'm slowing down and beginning to relax now - sometimes I'm like a kid out of school when I'm finally released from the machine and the cooped up feeling, maniacally dashing round the flat. For recorded progranmes to watch to avoid the offered schedule. For the sound of the wind and rough sea and swooshing cars, and sight of the twinkly coloured lights in the shops across the way. They are small shops in a small town so it's very low key, and somehow reminds me of my first Christmas on the mainland when I had to be dragged away from all the windows sporting fairy lights when I just wanted to look and look and look

* Yes, I know that's wrong kind of o, but it's the only non-English one I could make my laptop do!
**oat milk, and mostly soft cheeses, just a little cheddar sprinkles on top with some breadcrumbs

Gut

I give thanks the hospital tries to schedule most renally related appointments on dialysis days as, although I'm grateful for all the care the NHS gives me, sometimes it is most holistically healthful and helpful to have as much of a day off as is possible when you have multiple morbidities to juggle. (I give thanks for the term morbidity too - in these times of careful phraseology what a gloriously unapologetically morbid word that is!) Today I gave thanks that I was able to phone in and re-organise over enthusiastic diary filling that required me to be in two different hospitals in shorter succession than was likely to be feasible for a feeble bodied soul...oh and as a plus I got a later slot too. Even with the benefit of hospital transport having to be on site by nine is a tad too early for me!

I give thanks for Julie coming to finish the high level painting ready for Sam to come next week if he is free, and for how well she managed in the growing darkness as an engineer was changing my electricity meter and the power was off. For her picking up prescriptions for me and Kay's tasty vegan and gluten free bakes before she arrived, and for the encouragement of company to make me have a quick potter round the Co-op as she went on her way - they didn't have my fave tea bags but they did have a caulifower for 29p  so it was worth the effort just for that

I give thanks as far as this first part of the loving room goes, there's just a bit more sanding and filling from me nearer floor level now, though there is a small questionable area of plaster that probably needs removing and replacing I'm going to leave that to see if the expert thinks we can get away without. Despite the boost from acupuncture yesterday, and having my tea made and washing up done, a couple of wakeful nights with no naps in between have left me rather weary so tonight I'm grateful I should be able to get away with doing nothing more useful than making some easy food and lolling about on the sofa with the TV. (I give thanks for the food, sofa, TV and electricity of course!)

Bon

I give thanks for finally catching up with the final match of the ATP finals when I got home yesterday. Quite a cliffhanger, and a very good bit for sure! For the parts of the night when I managed to get some sleep... and for the part of the afternoon when I thought I might have a catch up nap to top me up, but as they'd put me between the man who crunches sweets for hours, and the one who thinks if he's wearing headphones it's all right to sing or talk to the TV, there was no success with that. The internet kept dropping so I couldn't drown them out with my meditation app and could only give thanks for a) trying to be grateful they were having a better time than me, and b) to understand that the rest of the afternoon's annoyances were extra annoying simply because I was so tired. I give thanks that Rachel is due in a little while and bringing food, she says, as well!

Sweet

I give thanks for the deep sleep of adequate analgesia. For waking up this morning and being very grateful I didn't have to get up straight away...until I turned over and realised I'd slept through a malfunction of urological technology and needed to get up even quicker than that! I guess on the whole I'm grateful I didn't have to deal with the situation in the middle of a very nippy night, and I'm grateful of course, that I still have urological function to deal with as it means I don't have to restrict my fluid intake between treatments...but it can be swings and roundabouts with output sometimes, and make me rather morose when things go awry.

Feeling rather cheated of a bit of leisurely time off and the worn off good humour in which I started the day, I give thanks for going back to bed with my tablet to finish off watching the Dublin Murders on BBC iplayer - it was too good to wait for my next dialysis session! For there being a whole raft of new offerings arriving on Netflix soon to while away the chair bound hours so there should be something good to replace it.

I give thanks for finally catching up with myself in time to catch the first of two buses to the hospital for my physio appointment, though I took so long about it I couldn't do most of the things I meant to on the way. I was very grateful I'd arranged to do something after - treat Julie and Spencer (and myself!) to tea in a cafe with loads of veggie and vegan options to say an early Happy Birthday to Julie and thank you to them both for all the help they give me with shopping, lifts, furniture moving and diy. We all spent most of the journey home saying how nice it had been, which I think means it probably was...and so filling that none of us could manage dessert which is pretty much a first!¬

Great

I give thanks for spotting a history of Just a Minute by the live great Nicholas Parsons on a charity shop book shelf a week of two. He is such a fascinating chap and still going pretty strong in his nineties bless him! For being able to hold and enjoy reading it in the bath last night as both hands kept going into spasm in response to what they considered overwork during the day. For the taped up dustsheets in the living room and jam on the fridge door making the place look like an American murder movie! Oh, and for my endlessly entertaining (to me!) sense of humour - my fingers are still fumbly today and I just typed the penultimate word in the last sentence as if Neil Oliver had spoken it, and it made me chuckle. I also made some staff have a laugh today, which is always something to be grateful for...well, if you've done it deliberately rather than by accident! I have to answer two questions before I have my new improved non hair destroying anti-coagulant. The first one is  'What is your date of birth?' and the second 'Do you have any active bleeding?' 'Yes!' I said to that one...'I've blood pouring out of my arm into a machine!' Clearly no one has responded like that before!

I give thanks I don't have to be at hospital until the late afternoon tomorrow - and that it's a different hospital. Woohoo, a change of scene!

Nice

I give thanks for some breaks in the aches so I've been able to get on with some useful things since my last post. For some breaks between that so I could do some important lolling around as well! For some decorating jobs that were within my capabilities to prepare for Julie coming to help with some that were not. For a lot of laughter while we were improving the look and feel of my home and getting ready for Sam to come again when he is free and do the tasks neither of us feel confident to touch. For Kay's delicious vegan and gluten free cakes to keep us going. For making the lushest veggie mince sauce to go with pasta for my tea - though it was so good I ate tomorrow's portion too unfortunately! Oh, and I keep meaning to say how grateful I am to be able to have baths and showers again without long plastic socks. The nail beds are gradually toughening up and though they are still tender and cause a twinge now and then, it is nothing compared to the agony of ingrowing nails.

OK

I felt quite sorry for myself last night, so I give thanks for accepting this is perfectly OK in the circumstances. My joints were too sore to get in the bath, my renal restlessnesses too ferocious to sleep and, despite my best efforts, worries about money and illness kept returning to my mind. For a while there I even wished I had someone to talk to, and then recalled the incredibly unhelpful things folk sometimes say...and was very grateful I did not! I did give thanks I've read a book by a neurologist that explained the processes behind that very human trait of considering one's own blessings plus others' misfortunes to be justly deserved in some way (though not, of course, the other way around!) and resolved that next time someone is being insufferably smug I can be secretly smug back because, I know it's a trick of evolution that causes their lack of empathy.

I gave thanks a chance remark yesterday led me to the idea of having breakfast out today, as I had to go up the street to post some stuff before lunchtime. There's a place I've had a delicious mini eggs Benedict a couple of times - such a treat to find something I can eat on a menu, and that feels more special than something I'd make. And, after a poor night's sleep for checking the restaurant website and seeing this treat had been dropped before leaping (relative term) out of bed. Later I gave thanks for finding another bigger, pricier version at a cafe a few doors away, deciding I was worth it and the spending freeze run to it...though also for waiting until the place was less teeming with clientele as my stumbles and fumbles and clumsy table manners make me hard to be close to, I know.

I give thanks for letting myself take it as easy as I wanted to for the rest of the day, as motivation and mojo have done a rather understandable vanishing act for now. For my oncologist's appointment coming through, and it being with a woman I saw some years ago before she had to take time off while her own cancer was treated. She seemed quite reasonable and approachable even before having this eye opening life experience, but I do find these meetings very wearing on the spirit, and the body when I have to be there for 10 and will have to be up at what seems to me on a non dialysis day as seriously stupid o'clock!

Agradable

I must have listened to weeks of chill out and meditation music over the the years, so I was surprised and grateful to find some that really hits the spot (gently) on the Insight Timer app. It helps me to drift off a while on a bustling dialysis ward.

The lights are bright in there so I was also grateful for a soft scarf to drape across my eyelids to assist my snooze. Unfortunately this caused a loud voiced member of staff had to wonder verbally if I was OK as she stood by my bed, so I was dragged ungratefully back to the real world! On the plus side I did then spot another nurse I did want to see, and finally after some weeks of fruitless asking, I'm getting an appointment to see why there is a sharp bit under the skin where they put the band round my fistula. I suspect the appointment may lead to more surgery, which cheers me not a jot, but I do give thanks if it needs it the option will be there.

I give thanks it's Friday, it's been a tough week and when I got home there was some scary financial news to assimilate. Someone I owe some money to wants it back, which is fair enough, but if I take it out of my pension pot to give it to him they'll stop my benefits again which is not! Oh dear...

I give thanks for a hot water bottle on a nippy night, and that this morning I put a cosier duvet on the bed. Might go mad and have a long hot bath later...when you feel beset on many sides by many things, it's important to try to treat yourself in the best way you possibly can.

Welcome

So much to do...and how much time to do it? I give thanks for knowing nobody usually knows! For my unexpected energy yesterday evening which helped me be productive, morphed into a restless night...and then led to a very leisurely day. For an extended lie in, long hot bath, a good book and some good tennis on TV. I really felt the need for a relaxed and soothing day do it was a great treat to be able to have one.

I give thanks I did get some cooking done in many small undemanding stages, and even a bit of painting around the edges where I hope Sam the decorator man will be applying wallpaper in a couple of weeks if he can squeeze me in.

'Tis the season to be jolly...envious of those not on a renal diet. Nuts, dried fruit, chocolate - all no no's, or at least no, you already had one, put it back! I give thanks when faced with some ready made pastry and a cooking apple needing eating up, I found lots of spice and some chopped candied orange peel made for an almost seasonal flavour...and also for the Co-op's toffee and ginger tarts, which are a little bit naughty but not nearly as much so as a mince pie and really rather yummy too.

Noventa y nueve

Ooh I give thanks for a perfect cup of tea before I left this morning - the simple delight of getting the water temperature, brew time and milk addition just right! Lots of cuppas are perfectly acceptable but a perfect one is bliss!

It seemed to be extra noisy on the ward today so I give thanks for soothing music instead of a nap. When I finally felt ready to stir myself again sit up and open my eyes, as if by magic my kidney consultant arrived to advise that yes, the results were back, and I needed to see a cancer one again in case there's anything that can be done. I was very grateful I was feeling particularly relaxed and mellow to receive this news, but I've had a long time to think about this possibility and was already as OK with it as probably a person can be, in fact rather blessed to have had so much practice at this sort of thing, and certainly relieved to finally know after such a long while of uncertainty...

I give thanks for feeling extra well and energetic when I got home, and sticking to plan A despite some delay and going out to raid the Co-op so I can stay indoors tomorrow if I so choose. When I'd reached the outside of the main door I realised I'd forgotten some stuff to go in the food bin and went back upstairs to get it  before continuing with my mission. Yep, that energetic - long may this continue! I give thanks the rain had stopped too, and the big puddles emptied down the drains. For two big bowls of leftover curry and rice for my supper...I did all yesterday's washing up before treatment today so I give thanks for once there's only a very small pile.

Noventa y ocho

You're gonna need a bigger coat, I said to myself when out on Sunday in my lightly padded mid season one...and a cosier hat as well! And with the freezing wind today I was very grateful for staying cosy bigger fleecy lined versions of both...

I give thanks for a barrage of eye tests to investigate the cataract situation and other matters as well. This took up much of my minimal energy and enthusiasm for the day, especially as I had to have those horrid dilating drops but I was very grateful to hear at the end of it nothing further needs to be done for now. For managing to scoop up a special offer on raspberries at the 'farm shop' on the way home, to add something fresh to the day's menu mostly based around leftovers and comforting stodge.

For discovering Junior Bake Off - so much more my culinary level and it's a joy to watch those precious still-forming beings too! Harry Hill in charge of the humour makes me also grateful for catch-up options that allow for fast forward here and there... I give thanks for rediscovering chives. They became a favourite in my teens when I began to meet people who enjoyed a variety of food (unlike my mother, poor soul), and I've grown them when I could. In supermarkets now, of course, you can buy a bagged bunch to chop, and they sure do liven up the rather bland cheeses I'm supposed to stick to.

Noventa y siete

I give thanks for being back home after a rather trying and intrusive afternoon.* Within one's own walls always has potential to please at times like these...but I do especially appreciate what lies within these particular ones, and indeed outside some of them too! I give thanks for how much more gracious its spaciousness is beginning to look...and for not dropping dead for doing a smidge more to move the decorating on a little last night when I finally got my second wind. For my medical carers being unperturbed by my hobbies, and pleased by my passing a cardiac test, as I was too of course!

I give thanks for sunshine to wait for the first taxi in, and for refraining from stabbing the second driver with my keys when he sniffed the entire journey. He's picked me up before and was just the same so he either has allergic rhinitis or a very bad coke habit! I give thanks for half made supper waiting for me... I was much more hungry than I was energetic when I got in.

*Oh and for realising why I had Simon and Garfunkel lyrics running through my head since I did. Gee but it IS great to be back home

Noventa y seis

I give thanks for half a night's sleep without any medical intervention. For waking up feeling mentally bright, though physically even more sore than yesterday. For the sun coming out and persuading me if I was going to be hurting I might as well be doing it outdoors. This used to be a favourite time of year for walking, as the countryside settles into winter, and I've been craving empty lanes, squelchy paths, damp moss on bare branches and ancient stone, those bracing hill top views... Meanwhile, back in the reality of the here and now, I give thanks there's an almost flat nature reserve a few bus stops away where, though it's still popular out of season, you can stroll a few yards in winter without meeting someone coming the other way - or in my case coming up on the inside for an overtake!

I give thanks for managing to hobble around a small corner of this area, feasting my eyes on the sludgy greens and browns of unmanicured vegetation and the cool blue of the sea and sky before coming back on the next cosy bus to do very little for the rest of the day but rest, snooze and scavenge in the kitchen. Oh and for spotting the flower buds swelling among the multicoloured leaves on this magnolia...

Anyone else wondering where the post titles are going next? Run out of languages I can count to 100 in, and after 3000 odd other headings over the years all manner of other vaguely witty or relevant words or phrases have been used at least once. I could just use numerals, or the date, give up being grateful or blogging about it... Not sure what to do yet to be honest!

Noventa y cinco

I give thanks for going upstairs on a bus today! The trick is not so much climbing the steps when your joints are hurting, but doing it without emitting involuntary grunts and groans and drawing attention to yourself! The purpose of the journey was not pain of course, but the pleasure of relative purposelessness ie not essential food shopping or an appointment for bodily maintenance...but just to enjoy the ride, different environs and horizons to admire from a day to day hospital trip and no driver demanding attention. As attempting this had been out of the question for quite a few months I was very grateful for success.

I give thanks for a gap in the cloud so I didn't get wet, could see out of the windows, and be reminded of Iago Prytherch...though I've been reciting the opening lines of the relevant poem so long from memory they're morphed into a version of my own. For relatively empty shops and streets and melodious Buddhist chanting in my ears. For coming across a few odds and ends I was pleased to find and, when I couldn't find some I really didn't want to go home without, and was trudging ever slower in my quest, for encountering the delightful Mr Haines for a hug and a chat about the mysterious sideways growth of the planet's population!

Noventa y cuatro

What a difference a good sleep makes. It's a shame I so often need medication to block out all the hindrances to it now, but I give thanks that something does do the trick and for deciding to only tak the pills occasionally they continue to do so.

I give thanks for the fresher feeling that comes from being rested...heavens, I even went out in the fresh sunshine to run a few errands before hospital! This was at least partly to get more pressing matters out of the way and create the feeling I can do whatsoever I choose over the weekend - well, out of the realistic possibilities anyway - and I give thanks for what a very pleasant feeling it is. For finally getting one of the nurses to pay attention to a concern of mine regarding my fistula, and another nurse doing a test to send off with a query. For another session passing without someone coming to talk about mine! Having hung round in death's back garden for such a long while I've kind of got comfortable on the bottom step and and am not overly keen to hear it's time to think again about knocking on the door. Having to prepare yourself every day for difficult news is an interesting psychological/spiritual challenge though, and I'm always grateful for them, even if often only in hindsight...

For coming home and being all pleased inside with how my hallway is coming on. It might not be to anyone else's taste but it satisfies mine a treat! For Mr Tesco bringing me some easy to cook food, so I could have some for tea (fresh pesto for my pasta - yum!) and use the last of the day's energy to put a some paint on a small section of newly insulated alcove and bring the living room along a little more too

Novena y tres

I give thanks I have evidence that I felt quite lively yesterday evening and paddled to the Co op even enjoying getting splashed by a car on the back, though it's hard to imagine today when very little sleep again has left me particularly zombified. I give thanks for watching the dawn bring colour to the sea and shape to the ships on the horizon. For most of my day being about waiting in for things to arrive as this wasn't too demanding, though the spacing meant I didn't get a chance for a restorative nap.

I give thanks for loving my new hall carpet, and for refusing to get stressed over the fact I measured the width in not quite the widest part do it doesn't quite fit. As it's woven it would fray terribly if cut and joined with tape, but I reckon as it's woven I might be able to actually sew the backing together. Not today though that's for sure.

Having found a large bag of boiling/baking spuds for 10p in the bargain section, I give thanks for seeing if I could replicate the garlic potato cakes Bob and I used to enjoy twenty odd years ago. After getting the text saying when the Tesco delivery was coming I prepared a passable dinner to eat beforehand with my first attempt...and just raised my first forkful to my mouth when the driver called to ask if I minded him arriving there and then! Oh well at least he carried it all upstairs and no more waiting is required apart from for a reasonable time to go to bed! Trying some items I've not had before I was surprised by how large they turned out to be, so for just about managing to cram everything into my fridge and freezer for now, and looking forward to lots of eating in days to come to create some space again.

Noventa y dos

All my joints are very ouchy and the renal tchy twitches kept me awake a lot of the night, so I woke up rather glum and wondering what I could do to feel more cheerful as it's a treatment day with lots of opportunities not to...or even worse to spread it around like a nasty germ. I'm all for acceptance, for finding fragments of gratitude and joy when times are hard, but I'm not so enlightened as to not want access to the same sources of earthly pleasure as most other first world humans do! It was early so I didn't have to get up straight away and started sifting through possibilities of ways to plans to make for another time. There are places I would like to go...could I get there? There are people I would like to see - would they feel like seeing me if I tried to make an arrangement. There are items I'd like to buy... can I afford them, and would they really improve my quality of life if I did?

I give great thanks, after a good ponder, for deciding the only way for sure to improve my state of mind would be to meditate more...and for the Insight Timer app for providing just the perfect guided session to suit me at that time.

I give thanks for a nice cup of tea on a Wednesday. The tea maker usually on duty then usually produces a brew that many complain about, so maybe she's got the message. For all my lunch box food also tasting particularly delicious. For a nice chat with one if the brighter young nurses (who also had a bad night and difficulty controlling a very expressive face and tone of voice) about the effort of making small talk politely and our over reliance of non committal noises in response to banalities.

I give thanks for the treatment making me feel better instead of worse this time, which after all is the general idea, and getting on and off the machine in record time so that I was waiting for the taxi driver instead of the other way around. Shame he was stuck in traffic...but it did mean I had time for a more mirth with the lovely research nurse as well. I go through life so rarely finding folk on anywhere near the same wavelength as myself, so encountering one or two among the hospital staff is something for which I am truly thankful!

Novena y uno

I give thanks for being able to be a snoozy Suzy this afternoon. Tired and very sore I wouldn't have minded spending the morning curled up under a quilt as well but I had to get up earlier than usual to be ready for the decorator coming, and I really am grateful his work was worth the effort...oh and the money too! Got to leave the lining paper to dry now before painting can start, so I give thanks I'm not raring to go...

I give thanks for managing to stay awake and somewhat upright while he was here, and for doing useful stuff like tackling a mound of washing up, making a pan of roasted cauliflower and chickpea soup for tomorrow's tea (and more washing up!) plus plans to make a similar recipe with less liquid next time as it would probably be a tasty spread as well.

I give thanks for my hot water bottle, for pain relief medication, for the occasional rocket visible while lying on the sofa. For a cheerful and chirpy Amazon delivery chap arriving while I was awake and already moving around. I'm still going in a phase of not at all avid reading, but these books looked like I might enjoy them when I am again and I was grateful to take them at a bargain price.

Noventa

What a lovely patch of sunshine this morning in between the showers! I give thanks for the surprising warmth of it while waiting for the taxi to come. For long silences between the driver's grumbles to enjoy the autumn coloured leaves and fields, stormy clouds and rainbows, ducks and geese practising flying in their skeins. For my favourite Romanian on the way home, who has a clever mind and a rather poetic soul. As we turned out of the hospital car park he said 'Now all we need is a sunset'!

I give thanks for sound advice from those who have more knowledge or experience than others have yet to acquire. It tends to work best if requested (or looked up on the internet!) as one is ready to listen and learn, but while the unsolicited sort can be useful too, it often seems less so for the recipient than for the donor who might want to brag a bit or patronise or simply tell a story about something that happened to them. Sometimes it's nigh on impossible to see who will benefit - like the warning I received recently not to work too hard on the flat or I might die before it's finished! Of course I might die before it's done, but the level of 'hard' in the quantity of 'work' I manage would seem to me to me to be more like the recommended short bursts of light exercise, than anything more life threatening than I have already...plus there's not even going to be the chance to say 'I told you so!' if I'm wrong!

I am grateful to be able to report feeling more invigorated than damaged by my weekend exertions, and for a few more before I went out. For being OK now I'm home again, but my goodness did my body struggle with treatment today, with repeated blood pressure plummets. I've never seen anyone shed this mortal coil whilst decorating, but I have witnessed them do so when this happens on dialysis, so I gave thanks for the good advice from a senior member of staff summoned when usual adjustments failed, and even more so when they unplugged me and I could return to the land of the living again.

Ochenta y nueve

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman... several times today being this one in fact! I can see the advantage of giving all your love to just one man if he'll move furniture for you and go up ladders in return! I give thanks for all the people who sometimes do this kind of thing for me and, as none of them have been available today, for doing it for myself in preparation for a professional decorator coming on Tuesday to do a whole lot more (I hope - two separate power companies have lied about engineers coming lately, to say nothing of a wind-up plumber!)

I give thanks for preparing myself as well as I could too, with an early night yesterday and a long lie in today. For some fairly good sleep in between despite not taking any special pills...For simple mealsFor my weary body making sure I don't make each session too long or vigorous with various pains and other symptoms, kicking in and forcing lots of rest...and for feeling that I'm nearly there, and that what is left should be easy enough to fit in between around my hospital trip tomorrow.

I give thanks for having the sense not to try to go anywhere apart from room to room. For seeing a few back garden fireworks the last couple of evenings, and a pretty crescent moon, with and without a wispy veil of cloud.

Ochenta y ocho

The forecasts for today were so dire I wondered whether I was at greater danger getting to the surgery for my flu jab and back or missing it - which as a feak and weeble is really not advised. So I (sort of) gave thanks for mild breezes, gentle showers and even some feak and weeble sun! I give thanks for a bus up the hill and for getting meds and milk, eggs etc on the way back. For some grocery bargains though they make the baggage more weighty, but not for the queueing and carrying as they really wear me out!

For an extended period of shut down/shut eye on my return to restore just enough power to catch another bus to my old home town to take advantage of the chance to shop for one in the greengrocers where you can get half a cauli or a quarter of a head of cabbage, or the health food shop where my chum shares things like bags of flour with me. And in case I'm suddenly catering for a crowd, for the jolly young man in Greg's deciding as ordinary sausage rolls were buy three get one free, the vegan ones would be too!

I give thanks for no aspirations to watch a firework display this evening as, delightful though I find them, I think even watching TV is going to be too much effort after all of the above. I'm very grateful for achieving more outdoors than I have done since the summer, but I give thanks for books, Netflix and cosy under the covers this evening instead. Oh and maybe a little nap before I begin...

Ochenta y siete

I give thanks I have lots of old glasses, as my regular ones became entangled in the throw while I was lounging around yesterday and they were under my feet when I stood up, snapping one arm clean off. None of the prescriptions on the others are quite right though they are OK for short periods of general use, plus I have my photochromic ones as an option until I can get to my overdue optician's visit. I give thanks for geekifying the broken ones with insulation tape and a splint made from a sliver trimmed from picture rail for when I'm home alone, as they're still the best ones for watching TV.

I give thanks for a passable day at the office, pleasant staff and drivers, and a side room so more relaxed. For being complimented on my attitude and manner. For a double helping of delicious dhal made yesterday, with rice, poppadoms and chutney. For the bath water heating up for a wallow - I slept very little last night and have a busy day tomorrow so I give thanks I can take it easy this evening