Ideal

I give thanks for a bright idea for a walk to take today... which will stand being postponed until some other day when my get up and go is functioning, and perhaps not quite so many other folk are promenading outside. For the whiteness of the heavy frost this morning looking almost like snow and the blue sky, sunshine and pretty clouds that followed. 

For getting up and going eventually enough for pottering around at home instead, doing laundry and other chores. For some good things to eat without too much of an effort including rhubarb crumble for afternoon tea. For finally finishing the revamp of my hanging and for being most pleased with how it's turned out. For the excellent Queen's Gambit making resting on the sofa in between these activities really no hardship at all.

Paused

Mmm...how nice to be home and dry on a cold wet night. For my supper waiting in the fridge to be heated up...and now in my tummy waiting for a dessert chaser! I give thanks for having food in abundance, heating and power, comfy furnishings and sedentary entertainment on tap to pause or play at will. 

I give thanks for a delayed card arriving today with a little handwritten letter inside from Laura. The card was a photo of a hanging she'd made - what a nice idea! For managing to get a pack of Greggs vegan sausage rolls on my way to the unit today, plus a half price calendar as January seems to be already half full of appointments I need to keep track of. For two days off before I have to keep any of them! 

Augmented

I give thanks for a happy to stay at home day - especially as I could! For a super long bath with two books and for getting some vacuuming done which may not sound exciting or fun but which was satisfying and useful instead, though more energetic than I've been for a while so more rest was needed after. 

For more work on a craft project, augmenting the sun and moon batik hanging I made a few years ago which was 'temporarily' suspended on bare dowel with a piece of string. It came down for the wallpaper to go up and seemed too scruffy to return so last month I painted the poles and this week I've been crocheting a cord to replace the string. Nearly there! 

I give thanks for going out for tea! I'd wanted to go out one evening to admire the lights around the town centre and Mima and I met for socially distant fish and chips to do just that. 

I give thanks for finally getting round to the changing the batteries in my window stars after being reminded on the way back how dim their twinkle had become! 

Auspicious

I've no idea what it was I made for tonight's tea yesterday but it was very very nice! I give thanks for combining an auspicious collection of odds and ends from freezer, fridge and storage jars so effectively. Ooh and there's some of my special bread and butter pudding left over too!

I give thanks for feeling well enough to take the bus today and for not many other people having the same idea. For a cosy homemade Viyella mask with a pocket for a filter and my big coat, boots and hat. For Imee Ooi in my ears and the beautiful winter countryside.

I give thanks for a good day at the office despite staffing and other problems causing delays. For getting my cup of tea and biscuits on time by means of a cunning manoeuvre. For the HCA who took me off the machine telling me about dreaming she'd written a song, waking up and trying to write it. It was lovely that I knew what she meant describing some of the processes - we both enjoyed that! For still feeling well. I've about 10 days til I'm due my cancer treatment again - I must enjoy it while I can. 

Expected

I give thanks for today. It was the best day yet in terms of feeling on the way to as well as can be expected. There's been lots of reminders lately that my expectations where wellness is concerned might be a tad unreasonable in the circumstances but I don't think this is an altogether bad thing. I give thanks for mostly sunshine and just a little breeze - not the wild weather I'd imagined I'd be cosily watching from indoors, but how wonderful to think it looked inviting enough for a stroll and being able to have one in between a couple of sharp showers. For a rainbow across the bay warning me when it was time to turn around.

For the sight of the cruise ships slowly parading by, and for slowly making progress on a couple of craft projects. For a dinner that was roasted followed by a pudding with dried fruit - though any resemblance to a dinner a few people might have eaten a few days ago was both minor and coincidental. For lush roasted carrots in mine - parboiled first of course in proper renal fashion. For sitting down to eat it just as Edward Scissorhands was sitting down to his which was comforting as I'm so clumsy with a knife and fork.

Boxed

I give thanks I'm home and very fed! For my taxi driver offering to open for me although he was closed - at double tariff it was worth it to him, and as there was no public transport the money would only have gone elsewhere otherwise. For an OK day at the office despite serious understaffing issues. For no major issues of any other kind so they caught up with themselves eventually and the patients just had to be a bit patient while they did. For the lovely housekeeping lady making me a fresh cup of tea as the trolley went round while I was in the waiting room and nice nurses putting me on and taking me off the machine. For my fistula working fine which was a great at relief after needle problems on Wednesday, and for good clean blood ready to be polluted with more food before long no doubt! Well it's cold - I need the calories, right? Plus it'll soon be time for supper! 

I give thanks for a very pleasant present opening session with Bob last night, and that we were both pleased with the contents of our boxes...Also of course that they finally arrived. 

Traditional

I give thanks for pretty soft marble clouds today. For a long lie in after a busy evening catching up with chores that make you feel cherished when they're done, followed by a succession of complicated and stressful dreams that kept waking me up...

I give thanks for a calm sea and watching people paddle boarding, power boating and having a Christmas swim! For a shorter and less enthusiastic stroll than yesterday, but uphill this time to see the Wavewalker now a little further along the coast. For a snoozy afternoon on the sofa after a comforting mound of risotto. For another mound left over for when I get home from hospital tomorrow. For some nice little gifts from friends and a plan to open the ones from Bob 'with' Bob opening his when we're both up for it at the same time. This is how we do Christmas even when we're physically together. Our family tradition is to do whatever we like! 

Evening

Oh my, what can I say? I give thanks for blood donors from every chamber of my heart! For the weather gods for providing a glorious winter's day and for finally being able to go somewhere that wasn't a hospital for the first time in a month. For finally getting to see the Christmas displays in the local shop and cafe windows, and the star decorations in my own. For a bag of hot donuts from the kiosk across the road from where I live to take across another road and munch by the sea. Always get rather emotional when I first get outside after being hostage to health problems for a while, and always give myself a pat on the back for moving to the coast before my health got bad...even more for moving nearer still before it got worse! 

I give thanks for two parcels from Bob - one that's been delayed for a couple of weeks and one meant to arrive for tomorrow. For Mima and Rachel both distantly delivering little gifts too during my restorative rest on the sofa, and just receiving a text from Jo to say she's popped a little something through the downstairs door. Feel as if I may have more presents than I deserve this year! Giving tends to be my favourite bit so perhaps I need practice in getting instead... Christmas Eve also tends to be my favourite day of the season, and this has been a particularly favourite one with the bonus of no treatment but pleasant after effects of treatment yesterday I am even more grateful than usual... 

Takeaway

 It's a gratitude blog so I'll be brief as it's not been an unmitigatedly grateful day...

I give thanks for being home most definitely. For two units of best red blood coursing around my veins so that a wonderful feeling of physical peace has replaced the sense of battles in almost every cell. It's particularly nice to be able to breathe without effort. I kept telling myself to pretend it was altitude sickness but there wasn't a stunning view.

I give thanks for my taxi driver waiting when I had to wait a very long time for the transfusion, due it not being ordered properly and wasn't ready to have during dialysis. For some dialysis beforehand though there was a problem with the needles and endless machine alarms so treatment had to be cut short. For sponge cake on offer with the cups of tea on the trolley in the main unit which made a welcome change...especially as the stress of the afternoon put me off my lunch. For not having to go in tomorrow, which was one suggestion made...

I give thanks for a massive 'takeaway' Indian feast for my tea, part supermarket bought and part home made including marrow and ginger jam given to someone who didn't want it and passed on to me. That made a very good chutney substitute as all the nice ones have been snapped up for cheese boards and turkey sandwiches I guess.

Effortless

I give thanks for moving as slowly as seemed necessary through another day, keeping up with kitchen duties being top priority as there's nothing wrong with my appetite, and making a curry for tomorrow's tea just in case I don't come home feeling like Superwoman on speed, as I sincerely hope I do! For liaising effortlessly with the lovely Melissa and receiving my seasonal 'shop local' gift to myself and my flat both of which have a somewhat neglected air. Let there be light...light fantastic! 

For a letterbox bouquet of flowers from Andrew and Sheena - somewhat confusing as I've no idea who they are and not surprising really as I'm not Aunty Ann and Uncle Peter for whom the card was intended. Don't know if I actually got the right flowers but by ringing the firm I did find out the gift was really from Gary and Steph and what the message was meant to say. I give thanks for assurances the correct card will be on its way in the new year maybe, maybe around the time Bob and I receive the parcels we've sent each other. I give thanks it doesn't really seem very Christmassy anyway...

I give thanks for sewing a couple of leaves on my tree of life. I've been craving creativity which isn't about staying alive with the least possible effort...and this was the creativity with the least possible effort! For trying Quorn sausages rolls that don't come from Greggs - so I know never to do so again! 

Knowing

I give thanks for managing a bit of a tidy up before I left for the unit today...even finally, after ten days home from hospital, managing to beat the washing up into submission! When I felt right poorly during treatment it was a comfort to know if I popped my clogs at least the sink wasn't clogged up with dishes!

I give thanks the hasty ECG showed nothing too scary...and knowing the consultant said it was OK helped me to feel more OK myself.  I give thanks I've felt like this before when my haemoglobin has been ridiculously low - it helps to know I've just got to hang in there. Also for asking politely if I could not be informed of the precise numbers please as until I get that transfusion a little knowledge can sometimes be a far less scary thing. For the main dialysis unit has been able to accommodate me for this on Wednesday alongside normal treatment as apparently it's complicated getting blood delivered elsewhere. They've said they'll do this as my usual time, which would be nice, though we'll have to wait and see if that's actually what happens.

I give thanks for my patient taxi driver. For leftover veggie stew and vegan meatballs cooking for a hasty tea. 

Dropping

I give thanks for Tesco's frozen mini pastries which cook up very well. For weight lost at just the right time to put it back on again! For watching the clouds dropping rain onto the horizon and the gaps in the clouds dropping sunshine onto the sea...

I give thanks for still being many months behind in listening to Loose Ends so I can marvel at the fascinating innocence of those pre-pandemic days, as well as the gems you hear like how much of the country is grouse moor and that the Ramones enjoyed playing the occasional Wombles song.

I give thanks for a little more energy, and both the internal and external wounds on my arm being less sore so I was able to catch up with a few light chores in my vertical phases. For an extended and remarkably sound nap in one of the horizontal ones!

I give thanks for supermarket deliveries managing to only be missing non-essential items. Especially non-essential when there's only me to go without! For folk managing not to blame and complain. It's easier said than done to leave grumpy stuff left unsaid but oh it's so much nicer when you do! 

Creaky

I give thanks for Jo bringing me coloured carrots. I'm not allowed parsnips but can roast the white ones and pretend! She let me know she was on the way  at just the right time as I'd been slowly getting ready to try shuffling down the pavement towards the sea so didn't have to go downstairs twice. I give thanks the sea is just a shuffle away, as I am still seriously feeble, and am beginning to accept will probably not get any less so until I get that nice fresh blood in me. For the fabulous fresh air, noticeable even through a thick mask, for the mask as there were a lot of people milling around between chip shop and beach, and for a sudden heavy shower so most of them ended up under the railway and I could wobble by the waves by myself for a few mins.

I give thanks for the Real Full Monty though it always makes me cry for so many reasons. For putting together components of a veg and barley stew over the last couple of days so when I can get upright again I just need to finish it off. For the fibre optic 'UFO' lamp Bob bought me what must be twentyish years ago making a minimal effort Christmas tree substitute. It's a tad creaky too but I can...and do...gaze at it enchanted for long periods of time. 

Shapely

I'm grateful social media shows me folk are still getting out and about, visiting places and getting together with people they know. I'm also quite grateful I don't have to just now - unless you count the regular taxi trips to the dialysis unit - as everything is still such an effort. I give thanks for a very socially distant movie night with Jan however, watching the fabulous fantasy that is The Shape of Water together in our respective homes.

I give thanks for the surgeons very dainty stitches coming out with no wincing at all. This could be due to multiple procedures in more or less the same part of my arm destroying the nerves but honestly I'm not grumbling anyway. 

For another successful treatment so I have the cleanest blood I've had in the longest while, plus a shot of iron to keep me going until a blood transfusion next week. Funnily enough I was only thinking yesterday that last time I felt like this they gave me a top up of the good stuff, and how much better I was for it... Damn fine Christmas present if you ask me! 

Advertised

I give thanks for a day when the horizontal parts have seemed more pleasantly lazy rather than essential for survival...and the mobile ones have included some stuff I wanted to do as well as things I must. For achieving a little bit more tidiness about the place instead of everything just staying wherever it's dropped which has been the case for quite a few weeks Still a long way from where I'd like to be physically and domestically, but definite signs of improvement.. 

For the pretty sky this morning. For Jo who goes to various shops with her husband in a car offering to look out for heritage carrots for me! For Walter presenting me with more 'world drama' and for how strange some of the adverts seem, as not geared to the world drama actually going on. Not counting seasonal fragrance adverts of course - they are always from another planet! 

Diverse

Wow, the waves this morning! I give thanks I'm getting used to the way the building shudders when the tide is high and the sea is rough. For the literally awesome sight from my windows when daylight joined in. As far as I can tell the 'returning' wall profile is deflecting much of their destructive power but helpfully (from the visual of view!) increasing the plumes of spray. If they hit at a certain angle it looks like a steam train is running along just below the railway line!

I give thanks for a good day in lots of ways. For finally getting Bob's presents wrapped and packed, and for Mima braving the PO queue to send the box off as even posting a stamped letter in a box would be too much for me just now. For getting more done between rests now though, and for my appetite beginning to return. For another successful dialysis session, though my arm is still rather sore, and some laughter and interesting conversation with the nurse looking after me. Also with the taxi driver who drove into the castle grounds and up and down the main street here So I could admire the extra pretty light displays this year. 

I give thanks at a time when I'm spending extra time lying on the sofa in front of the TV, I'm finding plenty of programmes to enjoy. I get to see different places I would have liked to visit - Iceland and Oxford for instance, and the astonishing Samarkand. And tonight's treat - two members of Diversity on Ice. Always a pleasure clothes on or off! 

Processed

I gave thanks for a long longed for fragrant dip today, and for hanging a load of light laundry on the rack. If you don't get why I was grateful, then you should be for not knowing what it's like to be weak! For the good fortune of access to (fairly) modern sanitation and appliances. For Clive making me a pie for my lunch - that's the Clive who has a pie factory not the one who puts up my shelves!

I give thanks for also partly making some soup out of rather elderly veg from the fridge, plus some fresh bits arriving from Tesco. There's probably more than I need for the foreseeable future, but actually going to a shop is out of the question in that time frame too so I'm hoping some complicated mathematical processes of nutrition will come into play so I start to have more energy again to make food, eat it and be more active than just washing up in between! I give thanks for a loaf of nice bread to go with the almost soup... I'm almost tempted just to gnaw chunks off it as it would be kinder to the wounds on my right arm than trying to saw slices I'm sure... I give thanks for my food processor helping with the rest. 

Successful

I give thanks I'm home, and mostly fed, having stopped for a breather as even cooking something simple quite wore me out. For my Tesco order completed so there should be plenty more tempting but not too renally naughty food arriving tomorrow evening. I need feeding up without a lot of exhausting effort... 

For a day of rest and recuperation planned beforehand. For making it through what seemed a very arduous one today. For kind and encouraging staff at the unit, and for my kind and helpful taxi driver. Most of all though for my fixed up fistula doing the job it's supposed to. It dawned on me this morning I've had less dialysis over the last couple of weeks than some patients have in just one of their treatment sessions, so that is very good news indeed! Onwards and upwards...but not just now!

Slow

I've been grateful for lots and lots of (hopefully) healing sleep, some it during the night - when I woke up thinking I was in hospital! For being more active than I've been for a week or two, though in possibly imperceptible ways to the untrained eye, mainly just keeping fed and clean and vaguely tidy about the place. For doing some washing up, for washing my hair at last...and for the long nap that followed. For a long handled sponge as I still don't feel stable enough to get in and out of the bath... 

I give thanks for Sainsbury's crumpets - among the nicest and cheapest I've found. For wet and windy weather making staying indoors eating them no hardship at all, especially when making a meal seems so much bother.

I give thanks most people have been most understanding of my need to put gentle recuperation before sorting out cards, gifts or any kind of seasonal social interaction. I'm sure Bob would let me off too but I'm determined he will have something to unwrap even if not the usual parcel full of presents... and maybe not on time. I'm so grateful I gathered a few gifts for him already, just need more strength, less pain and a device to slow down time! 

Twinkly

I give thanks for proper job cups of tea again, even if I have to make them myself. Earl Grey this morning was like ambrosia to my taste buds - and by that I don't mean rice pudding! For being able to curl up in bed, or on the sofa. I'm rather a curly person and I've missed it rather a lot!

I give thanks for managing to get dressed unaided, and for watching the outside world from the comfort of my inner one...as well as a lot of TV and the inside of my eyelids! For keeping myself pleasantly fed without much effort or washing up to do. For a Sainsbury's delivery and managing to put most of it away. 

I give thanks for the twinkliness of this street this time of year, even though the lower brook lights have failed once again. For choosing openings on the top window sections as well as the bottom as the handles are ideal for hanging my new LED stars, and I feel I can do my part in adding to the display. 

Battered

I give thanks for being home at last! For finding the difficulty getting here hilariously funny, and for it being Julie whose car broke down right outside the main entrance of the hospital as she could enjoy the ensuing chaos too instead of getting angry and uptight as some might do. For the delay giving me more time to appreciate the pretty lit up tree and polar bears decorating the forecourt and to acclimatise to upright again after so long horizontal and still. Gosh it felt strange! 

For being settled on the sofa starting to thaw out as the flat warms up, in recovery after climbing the mountain of my stairs. For flowers waiting from Rachel and everything cleaned and tidied by her and by Michelle who also picked up some supplies from my helpful local health food shop, though I'm not sure much cooking will be done for a day or two! For tea this evening which was a bag of Frazzles - delicious and all I needed after making sure I was well very fed today. For meeting some lovely staff this week from all areas of hospital work and finding some surprising common ground. How lovely to be alone in my own private space again though, recharging my personal battery that's become rather run down too! Thanks for being there folks! 

Remarkable

I give thanks for the torrential rain last night. I couldn't see it but tall Paul opened the high louvre windows above my bed so I could enjoy the sound and smell and wafts of chilly breeze when I couldn't sleep. Apparently it's been really misty today, shame I missed that!

Talking of missing, I've never been lucky enough to see the kingfishers upstream from where I live so I was really grateful someone posted not just photos on the Facebook community page but fabulous videos too. Oh and I read the pretty lights over the brook are back on as well!

For my various sorenesses not being too bad and looking forward to the time I can lie in a bath again and look at my body's growing map of scars and tell it how wonderful and beautiful it is. For my marvellous single kidney which, despite being generally defined as a failure, still carries on doing its best and kept my blood clean enough for a day off dialysis today. Just one more treatment with the line where the sun don't shine and then all being well that can come out and I can go home for a weekend of gentle recovery before my remodelled fistula gets to work. I'm so grateful I have so little to do for Christmas as I seem to have mislaid a large chunk of December somewhere.

I give thanks for the astonishing improvements to the food here. It's been utterly minging for the last few years but this time I'm actually looking forward to the meals which is great as a) I need to put some weight back on and b) this is the nearest thing to a holiday I've had/will have for  quite while so tasty catering is very welcome. 

Medicated

I give thanks for mental ingenuity and physical perseverance, and for feeling well enough once more to employ these attributes! I'm confined to bed with limited use of right arm and left leg...and of course my left hand's not brilliant either. Bell responses are like lives in a video game - there aren't many and once they're gone they're gone, so are best reserved for non negotiables like pain relief and stoma needs, and rely on one's own problem solving skills. 

It's the little things. Julie delivered all manner of 'little things' but they're on a chair too far behind me to reach. Discover by hooking right foot into bed side guard I can push myself up mattress, grab arm of chair and drag it nearer. V grateful no abdominal surgery this time.For arm of chair becoming handy extra tool. And for rice cakes!

Right that's snacks... Now Netflix! I give thanks for the little ledge on the bed table to stop stuff falling off the back - but my table is the wrong way round so stuff falls off back and ledge conceals edge of tablet screen restricting viewing. I give thanks for repurposing paper back book and pack of mediwipes to make a stand. For my tablet... And for Intermittent internet to download stuff for when off. 

And talking of tablets. For a new to the problem consultant asking if I knew of any reason why my fistula kept grinding to a halt. Low blood pressure maybe? he suggested. Yes, says me, delighted! I have been saying for months I don't think I should be on meds to lower blood pressure that's no longer high and can't get anyone to listen. He listened. Off meds. Yay, I may even start to feel generally a little bouncer which would be very welcome indeed! 

I give thanks they left my (blessed) side room door open just now and over heard due to computer cock up they've wiped all my prescribed drugs off list so Paracetamol may be some time. Also overheard talk of another patient who was upset as no one could find her a remote. Rang bell. Donated remote. Nurse grateful and a little scared of my auditory abilities. Shot of self made happy chemicals for the pain 😊

Hammered

I give thanks for reminding myself this is all for my own good. Well, maybe not all of it - stuff like being left without a call bell, with food or drink just out of reach, or your fanny on display to all and sundry in a mixed ward as the curtains aren't properly drawn? Nah, not so beneficial...so I'm grateful these and other misdemeanours didn't happen all at once! I do genuinely understand nursing staff are mostly too busy these days to keep you clean and comfortable, so I am genuinely grateful when they can find some spare time to attend stuff you can't attend to yourself as you have to lie still in bed. It's been a messy day!

I give thanks for being transferred in the small hours of the morning to a side room on an appropriate ward and, as I was still allowed to move around then, for managing to fix an air lock in a water pipe that sounded like hammering every time someone else ran a tap! For enjoying some of the hospital food, when I'm allowed to eat, and some moderately clean blood after a massively difficult dialysis session. For arriving back in my little haven and it's better than Christmas - co-ordinated by Rachel, Julie has brought me a bag of requested essential supplies! I'm tired now, and tonight/tomorrow is going to be a whole new set of challenges. 

Laughing

Gosh it was an effort getting ready for dialysis today! What a shame when I got to the unit, the fistula refused to flow and no blood cleaning could be done. I give thanks seven hrs later I'm finally waiting fairly comfily for whatever tomorrow may bring. Should have known better than to go along with 'Go straight to A&E', said OK and gone home to get my hospital survival kit first instead. Doh! I give thanks for having realistic expectations of my chances of sleep, for being moderately fed and watered, for being more or less warm. 

The AMU waiting room with the slightly badly tuned radio was the worst bit. Making the doctors laugh is always the best. We all need to laugh. 

Domestic

I give thanks I don't live where I lived before, and even more for not being in the place I temporarily parked in in between. If I remember correctly, today is the two year anniversary of unexpected early evening removal day - what a surreal palaver that was, and how grateful I am it's history! 

I give for beautiful winter's weather and a few short walks to different parts of the flat for various life sustaining purposes. For heaters, and sunlight streaming in through big windows to avoid the effort once again of getting dressed once again. For being able to bathe - and get out of the bath afterwards -and wake up again after falling asleep after that! For eating being less difficult, though cooking and washing up still have to be done in short spread out instalments. For my slow cooker. For my arm not being so sore, and managing to change the sheet on my bed, though the duvet cover will have to wait until the wound is held together with healed skin not glue! 

Stirring

Yay, I made it to the sofa...Nice to have a change of scene! For a heap of blankets and quilts to keep me warmish and TV to keep me entertained. For managing small occasional amounts of food including, a little earlier, a scrambled egg! For a stool to perch on while I stirred as I'm still very weak and wobbly. For being hopeful some protein will help me get stronger as there are a lot of chores that need attention when I can move around a bit more. For enjoying the changing light, coloured clouds at sunset and, when I was briefly by the window, for the waviness of the sea. 

Flattened

I give thanks for eating a biscuit - that's the first solid food item that has passed my lips in more than twenty four hours, after my body violently rejected what it had already had for some reason. For feeling a whole lot better than I did last night though still very weak and a long way from normal for me, even after a challenging medical/surgical week.

I give thanks for the dialysis unit telling me to stay home as I don't think I could have got there. They also advised sweet drinks instead of just water to try to give me some strength and for managing to make and take some cups of honey and lemon - the last one without having to stop for a rest mid-process which is huge progress.

I give thanks for my bed. For rest and sleep. 

Flickering

I thought I'd be out like a light last night but sleep was more of a flickering thing and I've needed lots of top up naps today. I'm so grateful there's been no reason why not! I give thanks for the rainy times that made me very grateful to be indoors, and for the sunny ones for people out and about. There seem to be less of them than recently - I wonder if that's because folk are back at their non essential jobs instead of taking non essential journeys to wander around here? 

I give thanks for a nice long soak in the bath, and managing to put together and eat a small simple meal despite little appetite or energy. For my arm not being too sore for now and for telling myself though dialysis will probably be very uncomfortable tomorrow, if I can get there and they can get the needles in having my blood cleaned should make me feel better. For a slight but detectable flickering in my vein. 

Operational

Today wasall about the proceedings of my procedure obvs. Give thanks for treating myself to a taxi in from my own money - much more pleasant than bus on cold dark morning which I've done for other early winter admissions. And my usual pleasant driver wishing me well more cheery too. 

Super staff at eye unit - where they have a spare theatre renal can use. Nice helpful surgeon and also anaesthetist who clarified the 'some' hours the total arm block would be effective could be 12 - 18! Agreed with me this not desperately practical for stoma bag wearer so quick change of plan to put me for the count. Not my fave experience but fistula ops when conscious aren't either so actually happy to wake up and it's done. Grateful anaesthetist came back to see me after op too to clarify reason for partial numbness in hand due to local for technicalities of operational techniques - dilation of vessels etc. Also advised restricting band removed without probs, so now must wait and see if fistula gradually grows big and strong again. At moment just happy just to be home on sofa and able to operate remote control! I give thanks for Julie's unfussy nurturing and the scenic drive home in the remains of daylight before a pretty sunset sky. I'm staying inside. I may be some time...

Nightmarish

I was grateful this morning I couldn't remember what the bad dreams I'd had were about - I do recall there were several different scary ones with wake ups in between! For catching up on me time, plus a little lost sleep, on the bus, and for managing to keep waking myself up so I didn't drift into more than doze and miss my stop.

I give thanks for treatment in my old side room with a view of some tree tops and sky as well as rather attractive older hospital buildings. I didn't see much of this for the first hour however as three members of staff were between me and the window trying with increasing urgency to coax my increasingly sluggish fistula into effective action. Although my conscious brain knew it wasn't emergency surgery going on, the dashing about and desperate calls for various bits of kit did make it feel like that, and I was very grateful when they eventually achieved some partial success by starting all over again with fresh needles and tubes. 

For taking the opportunity to lie very still enjoying the pale marble patterns of grey in the cloud cover in between the times the machine alarms sounded and before it got dark. Also, that as far as I know my surgery is still going ahead tomorrow. Fingers crossed it stays on schedule and they can sort me out.

Alarming

I give thanks for being home on my sofa, coat still on and hugging a hot water bottle until the place heats up. For having made some food over the weekend that just needs heating up too. For the hours I have off until another afternoon at the unit tomorrow, during which I hope my argumentative fistula will settle down a bit so the machine will make less of a racket and treatment will be more successful than it was today. For not having Wednesday's surgery cancelled yet...and for having a hiccup about Tuesday's scheduling resolved (probably)

I give thanks for streaming and recorded TV as I'm in zombie mode and there's nothing on terrestrial this evening that appeals. For remembering there's remains of a sort of pudding too when I can be bothered to move again...For setting my alarm for 6.00 in the morning again, to make even earlier the day after (slightly) less of a nasty surprise

Out

I give thanks for feeling less weak today, though easily weakened when I forgot to do that infuriating 'pacing' myself. For bright weather, and for being bright enough this morning to plan a takeaway cuppa on a seat in the park, though by the time I'd completed the various necessary tasks to be ready to get there I was too weary to bother, and there were far too many people about anyway. I give thanks for the tide being also out however, and a patch of sun-dried sand at the base of the sea wall to sink on to and enjoy the sights for a few minutes while summoning the energy to return for a cuppa on the sofa instead. How grateful I am the sea is the proverbial 'short flat walk' from my door!

I give thanks for starting to create some food for a couple of next week's post hospital teas, and for a nice Thai rice pot instead of trying to make something for today too. For finally realising (after how many years?) that you can can cook beans in a slow cooker instead of forgetting about them on the hob and burning them as I usually do!

I give thanks for the pretty sunset and for my Tesco delivery being complete - except for the books! For having other books as yet unread. For my Insight Timer subscription being half price again this year. 

Decisive

So today's been mostly about carefully taking care of my rather delicate self. For those of you who don't have multiple morbidities, or who do but live with helpful partners, this involves weighing up the pros and cons of each small action. Would I feel better if I made a cup of tea and some toast. ..or better if I just stayed curled up under this quilt instead? Would it be better to do a little bit of washing up now...or have a whole load more waiting for later. That kind of thing... I give thanks for plenty of practice over the years at making these kind of weighty decisions, and for understanding washing up mysteriously gathers whether I make that tea and toast or not! 

The drug seems to affect my brain as well as my T-cells, so that it's been as murky inside my head as it looks to have been outdoors, and I give thanks for this meaning I don't really notice how meaninglessly the hours have been drifting by, nor feel I'm missing out on much. For managing to stay upright (though sedentary) to fiddle with my mosaic for a short while and for a new idea for a design I'd like to try when I can stick at it a bit longer. 

I give thanks for having my new skin cream to try and, though it's too soon to tell if it will be a success, at least it's not made matters worse. I give thanks for Mr Tesco is due tomorrow. Don't need a lot of groceries this week so I'm grateful to make up the minimum no surcharge order he is also bringing books! 

Needled

I don't mind when people can't fix me, as long as they listen and try, so I was very grateful when the doctor I saw yesterday called this morning with an action plan from dermatology. And then the vascular access team called with the latest update on my surgery booking, which sounds a good one. Fingers crossed!

For an OK dialysis session, nurse getting the needles in without difficulty and the machine not arguing all afternoon though my blood pressure had a bit of an argue and someone set off in another part of the building a very noisy alarm that rang in ours for ages and set everyone's head ringing too. I give thanks though another patient had some music channel playing way too loud, I did enjoy 2Unlimited Get Ready For This - as usual! Also for How to Sell Drugs Online (Fast) which is my latest Netflix treatment treat. 

I give thanks for my nice local taxi driver being up for picking me up after treatment two, and managing to organise a well timed taxi to take me between the hospitals in the gap between appointments. For the chemo ward running to schedule which is unusual at that time of day, and cannula in first time no messing.  I give thanks for the weekend. I'm ready for that! 

Ruffled

Wow another beautiful winter's day! I give thanks for being able to appreciate some of the scenic sights of it, particularly on an unscheduled train journey into the city to have my skin inspected after phone triage. The fine mist made the golden countryside and silver of the almost empty estuary even more spectacular. I give thanks for the optimism with which I set out... and for my patience when most of the day was spent waiting with no conclusions reached. The bit with the private room with a comfy chair was my favourite - I even had tea and toast made for me! I was even more grateful when my visit was finally concluded though, and for the pretty ride home with water coloured skies turning to sunset marble reflected in the high tide and a rather ruffled looking heron waiting for a cold fish supper! I give thanks for living in such an eye candy county...

I give thanks for being polite and understanding when I got home to discover next week's op is cancelled...and merely shaking my head in disbelief when, after popping to the Co op for post Pembro wiped out weekend supplies, there was another message saying they were making a new list and the surgery might be back on after all, but they wouldn't be able to confirm until Monday. For some leftovers to heat up for my own early tea and for some old QIs to cheer me up with fascinating facts and quick fire humour. There were so many things I planned to do today but methinks some flopping on the sofa might be most of happens now for the rest of the day. I give thanks that none of it matters.

Consumed

Seeming to be extra hungry at the moment, I give thanks for packing my lunch box extra full as there's no getting up to get snacks when you're on the machine. I'd have been even more grateful if I'd remembered to put the lunch box in my bag of course! It had already been a day of some tooth gritting and grinding by the time I unpacked my bits ready to start the afternoon so I was extra grateful for popcorn and custard creams that hadn't fitted in with the sandwiches, fruit and sausage rolls. Oh and that I already made spicy lentil soup yesterday to eat tonight, and managed not to burn it or my mouth too badly hurrying to consume it.

It's been a beautiful day weather wise and I give thanks for the part I got to appreciate. For a silver stripe of sunshine on the green grey sea. The wagtail chirping below my window. Winter blue skies and cloud banks that looked like mountain ranges looming behind low hills

For passing the two lanes called Above way and Higher Above Way which I always forget to mention, and which always make me smile. For being the first with the news to the ward clerk that my surgery had been changed again, and then her checking and being first to tell me it had been changed once more since yesterday afternoon. For Annie Nightingale's Punk and New Wave memories to help take my mind off the itching burning lumps and holes in my skin which continue to grow and multiply, but which so far seem to be of no interest to anyone else but me. I give thanks I'm due for pre-Pembro phone triage early tomorrow. I've always been asked about my skin so here's hoping this time I am and the doctor actually listens...because I've looked on line (Oh god I wish I hadn't) and this is a classic case of a known effect of the drug on the immune system, which could go away with the right response and will only get worse without. 

Drifting

Well that was a nice day out of the office! Though as soon as I wrote that the phone rang with another change of fistula surgery plan. This time we're going back to the one we first thought of, on the second day they decided but at a different time! I give thanks I only have my own small life to reschedule over and over again, those poor admin staff who have to sort all the associated arrangements, plus possibly disgruntled patients, must be finding life extra stressful these days. I'm also very grateful I'm in charge of my own transport now and have a helpful taxi driver to deal with not an exasperated ward clerk! 

I give thanks for following my heart while the sun shone earlier and making a short, not strictly essential, journey to somewhere where there was more space for people locked out of most shops to mill around with takeaway coffees and teas. For the breathtaking views of the cruise liners from the top of the bus and hill, and a seat to myself overlooking the end of the beach to eat vegan pizza and be visited by a crow. For the drifts of oak leaves on the sand. For running into the delightful Mr Haines, a spot of solitary shopping in the proper job fruit and veg shop where you can buy a solitary potato should you choose (and if you're a renal patient you surely should!) and an unexpectedly yummy late lunch in a bag from a baker's that I don't normally rate very highly but happened to be passing. I really enjoyed my brief change of scene and give thanks unexpected changes of plans next week made it turn out a timely time to do it. 

Teeming

Well that wasn't a particularly hard day, but it did seem very long - I give thanks for being home and the heaters gradually warming me up as a simple supper cooks. I started out quite cosily dressed today, having been warned I'd be on the open ward again, but was back in the baking internal side room so had to strip a layer off! For cheery staff and taxi driver...always a bonus. 

For the unexpected sunshine today revealing beautiful colours in the wintery landscape as I travelled into the city by train...including some blooms on the creeping cliff plant that begins 'mesambry' and I can neither spell nor say! For the sight of the teeming hoards enjoying accessible nearby beauty spots reminding me not to access them (sigh). 

For doing the decent thing and allowing myself to be interviewed by some medical students on Teams, which my lovely renal consultant had asked me to do and which seemed only reasonable (much as I hate that kind of thing) as the dear woman does her best to make keeping me alive as pleasant as it can be. 

Final

Phew! A lot I wanted to do today, so I'm grateful for most of the active stuff done and finally being on the sofa attending to the ATP Finals. For the lack of the normally rather rowdy crowd! 

I give thanks so many people seemed to be enjoying being out and about here on the murky drizzly day, though I do rather wish lockdown was more noticeably locked up! For my own quick scuttle to buy a rail ticket taking in some engineering sights. For good earplugs to take away some of the engineering sounds over night... 

Um...what else? For how much cosier it is in my living room this winter due to the new better fitting window plus the big electric radiator on the wall, which came with the flat but was surplus to requirements in the smaller warmer spare room. For the weekend not being quite over yet...

Comprehensive

I've been feeling grateful quite a lot today - and without even taking my stronger pain meds! To wake up with a roof over your head, a cosy quilt over your body, food in the cupboards and your time to do with more or less what you will, is to be very blessed. To feel relatively healthy, (especially when you're not!) is such a bonus too! 

I give thanks for deciding despite my skin eruptions driving me bonkers not to try to get someone to see me today - I couldn't face trekking into the city again for a long wait and dismissive attention from oncology. I'm grateful for all the life saving and prolonging work they do with cancer itself, of course, but side effects and associated issues don't seem to get the attention they deserve. This is the department that neglected to recognise left side paralysis and speech problems as a stroke, remember...so I'm grateful for also understanding I might be a little bit biased.

I give thanks for a pleasing mix of activity and idleness instead. For solitude and spontaneity. For a walk to some rewarding altitude - via hedgerows with mushrooms and cyclamen - and for someone restoring the benches at the top! For Where the Crawdads Sing - a beautiful book with an unusually comprehensible heroine...and for rustling up a spicy rhubarb crumble. 

Pumped

Well, there's one thing we can be certain of right now, and that's uncertainty! I give thanks for the heads up on Wednesday that we must be prepared for sudden treatment changes and that today's - dialysis in one of the bays, not a side room - was preferable to a different unit despite the sights and sounds that assailed me! 

For glimpses of sky and tree before darkness fell, and for a cheery if somewhat distracted nurse. For my rather limp fistula limping along! For Insight Timer and Netflix to distract me from that which I needed distraction from - I've some favourite meditations on the former and have just started watching Connections on the latter which I can highly recommend if you're into contemporary applications of science...and possibly not Tinder! For shots of the  stunningly ornate Abbey Mills sewage pumping station.

I give thanks for being home for the weekend. For dinner mostly already made. Just need to wait for my hand to unlock to heat it up and convey forkfuls to my mouth. Typing is not helping - I give thanks my blog is done. 

Blocked

My goodness what a beautiful day it's been! I give thanks for brightness stretching out the short hours of daylight and the light on the sea, especially just after dawn and after the sun had set. For having a bit of a walk, though tired and achy, and for a lovely nap on my return. For the sight of all the other folk out enjoying the weather, Wavewalker, the wall work, and even, for some hardy swimmers, the water... from as much of a distance as possible whilst still being in the same grid reference! For finding a place to view the Lego reminiscent blocks they're using to build by the station after seeing a picture on Facebook and having my interest piqued.

I give thanks for receiving confirmation of my new surgery date and time, and managing to change that as, much as I don't want to have to be there first thing (probably before dawn!) it's preferable to having to stay in overnight afterwards (always - but particularly nowadays!) and I was scheduled for the afternoon list. I give thanks I've been given a new date again on the understanding that it may be cancelled too as they are short of surgeons at the mo, and for being prepared to resist any more admin foolishness they might come up with such having to cross to a different site for dialysis afterwards as I'll have had an arm block and not be physically able to get dressed...

I give thanks for a relaxing Yoga Nidra session to sooth my spirit, for Michelle agreeing to pick up some essential oils to try to sooth my skin problems on her way to clean tomorrow as the steroid cream I was given doesn't seem to be helping at all. For being hopeful something hastily hurled together in the kitchen just now will turn out edible if not enticing...

Lit

I was grateful the coloured lights strung across the upper brook were lit last night - they look so pretty reflected on the water. Off again now, perhaps due to the wild wind this morning or someone complaining it might encourage visitors or locals going outdoors unnecessarily. This was the reason I was given when I suggested they were turned on last lockdown to cheer us up, but we're not talking Blackpool illuminations here - not worth the trip if you are wondering! Never mind, we still have the stunning crescent moon.

I give thanks for a scenic almost empty bus ride into the city today. For a pair of soaring swans flying over as we waited in a traffic jam. For understanding the slow start to my treatment was due to a member of staff trying an idea to make it easier, despite the fact she failed. Also that the new Covid protocol is designed with the idea of keeping the county's kidney patients and nurses physically safe, and any potential psychological detriment has to be left out of the equation. Their plans are worrying me far more than the risk of infection is however...

I give thanks for my flat to come home to...and, for now at least, my friendly taxi man to drive me. For my Quorn mince dinner being nearly ready - it seems to have been a very long day.

Slight

I give thanks for the chirpy wagtail on the flat roof below my window - such a cheery sound it makes. For a murky day so I could do a few bits in town without encountering many people. For a bargain bag of Quorn mince and a new hot water bottle. There's nothing wrong with my old one yet, but I live in fear of its demise.

I give thanks for a new prescription for special renal friendly vitamin D in which I am deficient, as most most of us are, and which I specially requested from my consultant to try to keep me fit(tish). It could possibly help with back, bone and muscle pain, skin problems and fatigue while boosting my immune system so I'd be grateful for any of that. I give thanks my dexterity lasting more or less as long as the daylight, and being content to lie still watching dusk fall and take away the slightest sunset hint of non grey cloud while my hands uncramped themselves. For leftovers for tea so no chopping to start them off again.

Undefined

Well, I don't know what scared my mojo off over the last week or two but I sure am grateful she's back! Nobody likes feeling physically unwell, but when you have serious physical stuff the matter with you it's worrying as well as unpleasant. For being told Wednesday's op has been cancelled* so that won't set me back again...and for having the news some time in advance, not while waiting in a gown. 

I give thanks for a nice nurse looking after me today so my now unnecessary Covid test wasn't too violent, and for various variables conspiring to get me in and out of the unit at a reasonable time. For some tasty veg and barley stew waiting to be heated when I arrived home plus yummy Cauldron sausages. For the week ahead seeming much more appealing now despite still having the uncomfortable spots and a thumb knuckle I suspect is opposed to ever functioning properly again...

I give thanks my regular taxi driver's new car is unusually comfy sitting in the back. Also that he has removed the front passenger headrest to improve the view. I've not come across anyone else doing this, and he's not come across any one else who has appreciated it either so what luck we discovered each other! 

* To be more precise, it's been postponed - probably until early next month - but I'll let them off the language skills so long as they fix my fistula!

Inclined

I give thanks for trying to make the best choices in situations where there's been a conflict of interest between different malfunctioning body parts or mental inclinations. Thank goodness - apart from various demanding hospital departments - I mostly only have to please myself! For trying also to face without fear the processes those departments have in store for me this week. Sometimes I'm not grateful at all for my vivid imagination...

I give thanks for a complete Sainsbury's delivery, with necessary ingredients to complete making a couple of simple meals. For intending to go outside during several of the brief sunny spells, and then being grateful I hadn't when heavy rain swiftly returned. For one last long enough chance before sunset for a brisk walk around a rather hilly block as, due to wall works and standing water, there weren't too many flat options that appealed. For a couple of favourite vistas - one of which, without the Wavewalker in line of sight, was pleasantly deserted.

Mindless

Um... I don't know... I give thanks for breathing space from hospital appointments in person or on the phone, also interventions which are ultimately for my benefit but don't seem so at the time or in anxious anticipation. For the nearest I can get to running away ie retreating into the cosy nook of the spare room last night...and for stormy weather making staying indoors quite reasonable today.

For knowing mindfulness can be beneficial...but choosing mindlessness instead. For Netflix and terrestrial TV, books and mosaic distracting me from physical ailments and mental anguish, temporarily at least. For managing to stay adequately and acceptably nourished without recourse to anything as demanding as actually cooking a meal!

Symptomatic

I give thanks I made soup to come home to at the end of a rather wearying worrying day. It's amazing what a liquidiser can do to some roasted veg and chickpeas!

For seeing the Wavewalker up close as I waited for my train, and some pretty lit up Christmas decorations outside the closed stores in a city shopping centre. For birdlife on the estuary and the colours and shapes in this street. For successfully delivering some candle ends to the recyclers' doorstep by mime through the window glass. 

For managing to make an appointment to talk to my dentist next week about making an appointment for the filling he told me I need. For trying to be patient about even less progress with other ongoing health problems, and for various ideas for subjugating symptoms in the meantime including my trusty hot water bottle. 

Waving

Yay, the council has given me back my three hundred quid! Even with the many extra difficulties these days I'm still delighted to be in charge of my own travel to and from the hospital, but paying for the privilege of having responsibility wasn't part of the deal I signed up for.

I give thanks for the torrential rain last night making the plan to walk up a hill and gain some perspective seem less than sensible. The path would probably have been very slippy and though my spirit might have soared my knees were complaining at the mere thought of it. I did have to go up town to deliver the unshared cakes to the local assistance hub however, as during a Messenger conversation last night they assured me they'd find a way for them to get eaten appreciatively. They are wrapped up mass produced cakes so probably not ever touched by human hands, let alone recently, so I'm grateful whatever the renal unit rules they're not likely to spread any illness. I give thanks for the colours of a maple and holly with berries in the park. For a bit of sunshine too. 

I give thanks for trying to spend the rest of the day as restoratively as possible with a long bath, mosaic making, Yoga Nidra with Donna and gongs on CD from Sally. For discovering cottage cheese is delicious with curry, which I suppose isn't that surprising as it's not that different from paneer, and for discovering although the transport team assured me I had to use a PIN with my pre-charged card it worked fine contactless at the station. I like to get my ticket when there isn't a queue and for once I was grateful for the early dark as I could go and marvel at the Wavewalker all aglow and the sea which always seems to have a special quality at night. 

I give thanks I'm used to bouts of deep depression and know what I have to do. I'm even more grateful there are people who don't get them and can't imagine what it's like to slip into the abyss. 

Systematic

I give thanks people think I'm always positive. It isn't true of course, but it's a nice thing to believe in like the tooth fairy and unicorns. For a lot of today I've been inconsolably miserable and in between the gloom have been struggling to find five cheerful things to say. I'm grateful to be home, that's certainly one...and though for various reasons I failed to prepare a welcoming nourishing meal in advance, I give thanks I usually do. 

I give thanks for checking with the unit it was OK to bring cakes in to share, and doing so, as I thought we could all do with some cheering up. Unfortunately the rules changed yesterday so no good came of it, and I was already feeling disappointed when the next thing I learned was that the patient centred plan I'd been talked through for my surgery next week has been changed to something that suits everyone else much better. This reduced me to tears at the thought of how vulnerable I'm going to feel, but eventually I gave thanks for the reminder that the system doesn't care about me, beyond that don't become a never event and mess up their statistics.

I give thanks for having a regular driver so I didn't have to worry about what there'd be to deal with on the way back. For being indoors on a wet and windy night. For being able to take my brave face off and properly cry...

For a long life cherry and vanilla croissant to munch while I work out what to have for supper (my personal system having been expecting cake ever since the Tesco man delivered them) and a hot water bottle to cuddle as I sure do need a hug. Most of all I give thanks for my commitment to the practice of trying to be be grateful come what may.

Rash

I give thanks for a good start to the morning, waking up feeling more lively, and with no appointments or hospital stuff to deal with so the day felt full of possibilities...well until the first phone call from the hospital (telling me someone would be ringing later) anyway, I'm grateful they are doing their best to keep me alive and ticking over but the various processes do seem to be eating an extra large slice of these minimal daylight hours especially when I have energy and creative energy I want to put to good use. And talking of using, I give thanks for managing to switch between activities that taxed different joints, some of which seem to be pretty well out of cartilage now and miserably painful. For enjoying the autumn colours and mild air outdoors, and though I was a little miffed I'd missed the Wavewalker walking (presumably) in to shore, I was delighted the reason I knew it had was I could see it looming behind my flat as I walked down the street towards it. If I look out my back windows I can see the lights of the crane tonight, which probably delights me rather more than it should do, though I'm also grateful I'm reading a book exploding myths regarding gendered brains and know chromosomes have nothing to do with preferring machinery to make up!

I give thanks though I have more of my strange spots on the whole the new ones are smaller and less troublesome. The veterans are still causing me some grief, and the cause still a mystery...

I give thanks for my Yeokens free shopping bag waiting for my Tesco delivery. It's due while Bake Off is on so I hope if anything is out of stock it's not the sweet nibbles I always want when I watch...

Camouflage

That's better! I give thanks for two bowls of hearty Quorn and barley stew with buttered granary toast. For feeling more myself this morning, and even more so now I'm home and fed. 

For the contrasting sights on my journey to hospital today - the big red wave walker poised just off the shore, and camouflaged birds only visible among the pebbles when they moved. For huge skein of geese forming over wet fields and a gaggle of commando recruits at the station with shiny suits, scalps and shoes. Two had ironing boards as well! 

I give thanks for treatment going well, and the lovely catering assistant making me a fresh cup of tea when unnecessary slowness in the preparation part meant the one from the trolley round was growing cold. 

I give thanks for a quick nurse at home time and my good humoured driver ready to bring me home. For my prepaid transport card having money on it at last so I no longer have to fund my own fares. 

Musical

Phew, what an effort everything seems to be this weekend. I was grateful thinking on Friday night I could do whatever I wanted 'within current restrictions', but I didn't realise they'd include rarely being awake long enough to do anything much at all! I give thanks for trying various usually vigour improving methods - supergreens, yoga nidra, a walk in the fresh air, listening to Desmond Dekker's Israelites - but my body's response was 'Yeah, that's nice...can I curl up for a snooze again now? Oh well, I give thanks though there were many useful, creative and recreational activities that didn't get done I must have needed the rest that did. 

I give thanks for keeping myself fed and laundered and entertained. For gripping Danish drama on BBC and a fascinating and emotional Netflix documentary about a man and an octopus! For the relative mildness of the weather and the way the cruise ships' horns made a harmonious cord when they sounded all together. 

Careless

I give thanks for being home this weekend, and not away as originally planned, as I've not been fit for much except snoozing in front of the TV, and it's nicest to do that in your own living quarters. I'd wondered if I'd feel I was missing out, so give thanks for actually being far too tired to care. For trying to do other stuff at first before deciding stiffness and soreness and clumsiness and glumness made giving up a wiser choice. For managing to make a simple meal and do the washing up, only burning one pan of food through forgetfulness and not so badly that it won't come clean with a bit more effort.

I give thanks for how mostly quiet it's been - apart from that barking dog in the next street sometimes. For my skin troubles not being too uncomfortable. For an old episode of Lewis, a hot water bottle and a blanket being very comforting. 

Alien

I give thanks for the entertainment of backyard firework displays from those with flashier lifestyles than I! Reckon I  know pretty much all the reasons why pyrotechnics are a bad idea, but they always make me ooh and ah with delight and there's not an excess of that these days. Likewise for the wave machine of the sea turned up high by the wind overnight. Still blowing and I could hear it roar when I got out of the taxi just now but I'm happy pass on going closer to look. 

I've been suppressing oohs and ahs of discomfort with skin eruptions for a few weeks now while the renal and oncological teams bat responsibility to and fro. I give thanks for my kidney consultant coming to have a look this afternoon and saying she will email the cancer consultant to see what she says as it's nothing she's seen before. While they're scratching their heads I'm trying not to scratch anywhere else. Maybe I need to see a dermatologist...or an entomologist...I'm still not convinced they're not bites though nothing like any I've had before. I give thanks for having her on board anyway, she is one of the best docs in the hospital and I've seen a few! For much mirth with the research nurse too, she is always good fun to talk to and cheered me up on a difficult day with needles and pressures as well as spots. 

I give thanks for the second series of the Alienist on Netflix, seamlessly carrying on from where the book ended. The sets, costumes and cgi are such a feast for the eyes and I'm trying very hard not to gobble it up all at once...

I give thanks for not having anything I have to do this weekend, except do whatever I want...well within the various current restrictions, of course. Oh and for a very clean flat to do it in after Michelle's visit while I was out...and leftover curry to hear up for my tea. 

Lasting

I give thanks for giving into exhaustion both early last night and late this morning, but eventually making my way into a bright sunny winter's day - and so far staying awake! For managing some of the many tasks on the unrealistically long to do list which included hospital phone calls in and out, going out (to enjoy the above weather) plus being in for two deliveries, so that most other activities had to be rather rushed, abandoned at least once or just plain abandoned due to less energy and more pain than was useful. 

I give thanks for afternoon sunlight on my face...and some tasty treats to put in it! For the last of the light on the weirs of the brook. For lasting memories of some stunning bonfire nights...and for not being out hanging around for one tonight as it is more than a tad nippy! 

Prêt

What a beautiful day to get ready for lockdown! I give thanks the train was even less busy than it usually is these days and the views exceedingly scenic. Like many other people I had a few things I wanted to get in the city but the hot take away lunch I fancied was off the menu as the queues to just get in the eatery were a long way down the street, however I was already munching a freshly made crêpe by then so didn't care. Just as I approached the spot where the vendor sometimes has his trailer my pancake Pavlovian juices began to flow so I was delighted he was frying today! Poundland andother shops that will be shutting were a no go areas but Greggs and Waitrose were preternaturally quiet, presumably due to their essential nature so there's four weeks for folk to raid their shelves. I give thanks for being in and out with a vegan sausage roll from the first and then a pot of growing chives in record time!

I give thanks for a trouble free dialysis session, and the friendly local taxi man being ready to pick me up when I emerged. For in between discovering the excessively unresolved final part of a series I was watching on Netflix was just the final part of the first season, and there's plenty more story to come - though of course no guarantee of no cliffhanger endings to that...

Cramped

Gosh I was grateful to get home last night! A major attack of cramp during treatment, an incredibly slow moving nurse at the end of it who almost moved me to physical violence and then diversions due to two closed roads on the route back led to an immense sense of relief when I finally made it through my front door whimpering with fatigue and frustration due to the unavoidable disorganisation of the organisation that keeps me alive. I gave even more thanks though when walking into my increasingly graciously spacious living room. It seems to be gradually growing in size as various articles find the place where they belong, and it instantly restored some graciousness to my spirit so I remembered the nurse who knows better than every one about everything might have low self esteem that needs desperately needs the occasions when she actually does, and the one who seems too distracted to function efficiently probably has a lot of worries on her mind.

I give thanks for falling straight asleep when my head hit the mattress (I don't sleep with a pillow!) but another major attack of cramp waking me up in time to hear the astonishingly loud and long crashes of thunder. For making it through the tasks needing attention on a zombie morning before a busy afternoon attending to the repeated calls on Facebook to strip the shelves of local small businesses bare before lockdown...or close down...and meeting Mima to try a newly opened cafe before it did. In its former incarnation the tables were all squashed together but it's much better arranged now and we had a lovely large oval table to sit apart at and some very nice light cake. I give thanks for my delightful dentist explaining the various procedures we must go through before I can have a filling, and the very helpful vascular access nurse explaining how and when my operation will proceed. The plans sound very sensible but involve the co-ordination of various departments, and in my many years experience of these situations that is when plans tend to go awry. I give thanks my preferred transport home after procedures (Julie) is willing and available to provide her usual cheery and practical service and beyond that I have to accept it's out of my hands...

Stimulating

I give thanks for making a huge array of picnic food for today...time to eat it proved problematic to begin with though as I spent over an hour at appointment one waiting for a doctor who was too busy to see me, and then had to dash to the furthest side of the building to hang around in a different place for appointment two. You'll have to come back after,  said the nurse on duty who is of the 'you're lucky we're bothering with you at all' variety so I give thanks one of her kinder minions made me a mug of tea! For a good book to distract me from the misery making radio and TV they force on you in oncological areas... And for eventually leaving the building with a tube of steroid cream, a plan for surgery and an opportunity to munch a very late lunch in Clive's car on the way to check out worktops for the kitchen I'll one day have. 

I give thanks for another cup of tea arriving just now on the kidney unit, after an offer to have it freshly made as I'm at the end of the trolley round and it's often cold and stewed. It's later than I'd usually partake of stimulants but it might help me keep going until I'm finally home. For somehow slowly with my damaged left hand tapping my way through these words... Plus all the gobbledegook I tapped before most of them! 

 

Probable

I give thanks for remaining fairly active, enthusiastic and of good cheer til well past midnight last night. It makes my drowsy frowzy gloomy state today seem more justified, though why we feel the need to justify such stuff is still a mystery to me. I give thanks the bright calm start to the day gradually changed to wetter and windier, not least as this was the weekend I'd originally booked to be away, not the next one when now I can't. Very little human contact had been part of the plan - solitary strolls and posh pot noodles in my hotel room - so I'm grateful for now thinking to take one of those pots to an extended hospital day tomorrow, in case it could meet hot water at any point between two consultations before an evening dialysis session. Of all the aspects of tomorrow that could concern me, I give thanks it's probably a healthy sign the one that concerns me most is the probable inadequacy of refreshment facilities!

I give thanks for trying to prepare myself for the likely news that for Covid safety reasons I must return to the unit where I don't feel safe or cared for in other ways, and remembering to be grateful for the more comfortable and companionable months I've enjoyed at my home base. For also remembering the idea of lockdown is that it saves lives (plus maybe Christmas activities for those for whom that is a special sociable time) and the disappointments and difficulties we are all going to face are side effects of getting used to getting what we want.

I give thanks for old episodes of QI and Just a Minute making me laugh, for making mosaic making me more content and for my kidney working better today so I can have another cup of tea. 

Rising

Eating, sleeping and making mosaic were my first choices for ways to spend today...so I give thanks for plenty of the former, a little of the rest...and rising to the challenges that kept me from indulging more. For not only rising earlier than seems suitably Saturday like to me, but dressing in time for Clive to arrive and leaving the building in time for my flu jab appointment. I'd enjoyed the marvellously stormy weather from snug inside to begin with but was grateful the clouds had cleared and the gale subsided for my walk up the hill. For the gorgeous little path between the trees shedding golden leaves at the side of the car park, and a brood of new fluffy black swan cygnets on the brook. For a spot of quick popping in shops on the way back, and finding a gluten free name sake pie for Clive who'd never had one!

I give thanks for a selection of very welcome home improvements, including installation of a new bathroom blind that goes up and down on demand, plus hooks for hanging a plant in there and my chimes on the window reveal in the living room so I can tinkle them when I open the curtains in the morning. As for many months I'd not been able to safely open this window, it didn't dawn on me that they will also be wind chimes if I do...until I did in the beaming sunshine this afternoon. I also give thanks there's now a working heater in every room for when the sun don't shine...well, except for the kitchen, but there's a cooker in there...

There won't be much in the way of cooking this evening. I'll be grateful for a reduced price Higgidy pie for my own tea, as I'd like to make inroads into more restoration of homeliness now that I have shelves up in the alcove again and room to put the table and chairs back in place...and of course there's still some more eating, sleeping and creating mosaic to fit in!

Back

How nice to be back home - I give thanks that I have one! For it being spruce and clean after Michelle coming while I was out. For her thinking to clean the cutlery drawer even though it wasn't on my list! For a cup of Rooibos as it's too late for caffeine for me. 

For an OK day on the unit, despite further consternation about my fistula which now has some unspecified skin condition as well as a malfunction of flow. For remaining fairly philosophical - I suspect it's related to the other skin condition I've developed which I suspect is a side effect of the immunotherapy - and for a practical Sister who not only took photos for my record but found a way to get the needles in avoiding the area of discomfort.

I give thanks for the new taxi company I'm using working out well so far. The owner had all his drivers leave him this year so appreciates a few decent fares, and tries to be accommodating. He is also the only one I've experienced thoughtful enough to take off the front passenger headrest and move the seat forward so that having to use rear is as pleasant as it can be. I give thanks for discovering a Danish crime series that started last weekend on BBC but I didn't notice...and for the little miracle of catch up TV. 

Stalled

So...hmm...let me see. Well, last night I remember being grateful it had been a long time since I'd had so much pain in so many places at once. For choosing a soothing bath despite being also very weary as, though I kept dozing off, I got out rather more nimbly than I got in. What wonderful stuff hot water can be!

I give thanks for a good night's sleep and giving the first part of a home based catch up day my best shot despite still being extra achy and uninspired... before giving in to the desire for a siesta despite the very un-Mediterranean weather. 

I give thanks for feeling much better when I finally got going again. For some fancy pants aromatherapy Epsom salts I ordered arriving. I know I can make my own...and maybe I will if I like the experience, as I've always a selection of oils in stock. For writing that and remembering a former version of life with a market stall where I used to sell such stuff as well as crafts I'd made. For a bit of time and energy for making crafts today, as well as a bit more rearranging of living room goods and chattels... 

New

Today I give thanks for the pandemic providing me with ten ships to marvel at through my window. I do remember my gain is others' loss of course, but still it is a splendid sight whether bad weather gives them a mirage like quality in the day or they're twinkling with lights at night. For my new windows too, also still a novelty. 

For the new local taxi company I'm trying being eager to please and, so far, very pleasant and accommodating. For treatment going OK after a rather tricky start, and for my appointment next week with the fistula surgeon (which got lost in the new computer system) being found again - and having a letter to prove it. 

For leftovers to microwave, as I'm very tired tonight. For my new very simple and efficient microwave. For some stuff I want to watch on Netflix as there's nothing I fancy on terrestrial TV. For the various technologies that makes my life a little easier. 

Optional

I give thanks for more perfect weather this morning - peeing down and windy and not a tourist in sight! As my battery ran completely flat just after 9 last night I'd been awake for hours by the time the world was open and was grateful I was able to get out and back before the sun reappeared and everywhere filled up again, even though I've been in a state of zombi since. For a stunning array of shopping in the bay... 

I give thanks for reminding myself almost everything I think I ought to do is actually non-essential. For wryly noting I ought to remind myself about this more! 

I give thanks for accepting the mounting evidence from other areas of my life that something pleasant planned for this weekend would be better postponed until next. As soon as I made the decision to change the date Saturday filled up with sensible stuff like my flu jab appointment and Clive coming to sort out all manner of outstanding manly jobs, so I give thanks for the feeling I'd made the right choice,even though I'll never know of course how the alternative might have turned out. 

I give thanks thanks for salmon and broccoli risotto almost ready to eat. Didn't have enough of the right type of rice so I topped up with the pudding sort. I give thanks though I know a few Italians none of then read my blog! 

Complimentary

Yay, I finally got my flu jab invitation letter! I resisted these for years but after getting the 'wrong' flu last Christmas, I'm rather keen to be inoculated against the what I hope are right sorts this time. 

For a mild sunny afternoon, nice to be out in though very halftermy everywhere. For a walk through a city park bright with maples, and peacefully free from the students that usually hang out there...

For Cross Country automated 10 minute seat reservation service for when you have a ticket but no booking. The time scale refers to the latest you can book it before departure, not how long it takes - that's nearer 10 seconds after you send the text. Rather annoyingly this proved to be an academic exercise as, despite choosing what I thought was a generously tardy service the unit was running so late I wouldn't even have been able to catch it if I'd been teleported from treatment chair to platform. For attempting to remain good-natured and calm. Staff tell me I'm noted for this which may be a ploy but I'm always pleased to hear! Apparently some patients get grumpy about delays but even if I feel disgruntled or upset I never see the point in taking it out on people who would also prefer that things were going according to plan.

I give thanks for managing to phone for a taxi instead despite the dropping signal. For adjustments made when my blood pressure dropped as well so I began to recover and was able to get on with writing this so there's one less task to fit into an abbreviated evening. For the curly haired sister who came to release me from my torment being so impressed with the accidentally attractive state of mine she took photos and Whatsapped them to me!

Unrestricted

Mmm, I give thanks for the extra hour - I spent it reading in bed after being bright as a button at dawn but slipping back under the covers with a cuppa and having a top up snooze. For the box designs of Co-op Truly Irresistible tea bags. I'm grateful for their contents too of course, but how pretty is the packaging?

I've been low in energy today so give thanks for making myself go out for a bit of a walk around an extended exploratory block where I found a pretty little lane just wide enough for a vehicle but thankfully apparently only used as a thoroughfare by cats! For remembering, when enviously encountering other people's properties, that there may be no more contentment inside.

I give thanks my urge to gawp at the crowds gawping at a minor RTA which reduced the main road to a single line traffic  (and not traffic as wide as a bus!) meant I finally mastered the new style window restrictors and could lean out for a better view. For the laundry done and my experimental mosaic butterfly turning out even prettier than I hoped it would. 

Swish

I give thanks for Chris Montez - never been known to refuse his offer! For it being most welcome on what has been a mostly sedentary day... For most of the sitting time being spent most happily sticking bits of glass onto bits of wood, along with associated activities of nipping tiles, trying out designs and grouting - all of which still enthrall me. For the wet and windy weather being just right for this indoor pastime and for the cosy feeling I get when hearing rain on the window and the cars swishing outside. 

I give thanks for spells in the kitchen too. For good food made and for being good and doing all the washing up afterwards! For a hot water bottle tucked into the small of my back for cosiness and soothing of the soreness there. For Saturdays - the one day of the week there's no hospital tomorrow. 

Fielded

I give thanks for a remarkably enjoyable dream about being in a hospice. Noel Fielding had assigned himself to my pastoral care so there were lots of jaunts where we went hunting for interesting face masks and vintage guitars! For staying alive/asleep an unusually lengthy time...

For another pleasant day as a commuter, catching the bus home even though I knew it would be almost dark by the time I arrived - next week it will be completely dark so this was my last chance to watch the sky as the sun set and see over the hedges into the landscape as it gradually drained of colour. For my mp3 player and headphones to drown out a droning slurred monologue coming somewhere behind me on the almost deserted vehicle. I chose to assume they were talking into a phone and not to turn round in case they weren't. For assuming they would be getting off at the end of the line, and then telling myself off as people who behave like that are found everywhere. For remembering to be grateful for my relative mental and physical health, and again later in the Co op when I saw a familiar local street drinker blatantly bundling a bag of something that sounded like crisps under his jacket and heading for the entrance door which he knew how to open and turn into an exit.

For some new tiles and bases arriving this morning so, as long as my poor sore thumb can handle it, for plans for a weekend mostly mosaic making, munching and watching Netflix and TV.

Today's coronavirus gratitude is for the way it has helped at least some of us remember not to take even the simplest things for granted.

Halfway

I give thanks for half a good night's sleep, and for a good meditate for half of the time I was awake. For eventually getting up and getting on with a few things so I was ready to meet Cathy late morning...and ready for an afternoon on the sofa when we parted company later! For enjoying spending some time with her in between, and for her being understanding when I was way too tired to spend any more. It's already been a far busier a week than I hoped to be dealing with post Pembro, and I give great thanks unless the government decides otherwise tomorrow should be Friday! 

I give thanks for eventually successfully jumping through the necessary hoops needed to make a dental appointment. For this leading to today's Covid gratefulness - they don't drill unless absolutely necessary now! For the fabulous stormy skies as rain and sunshine came and went. For the changimg light on the sea. 

Potted

I give thanks for my first day as an independent traveller going pretty well. For leaving much earlier than I needed to to get an idea of how long certain processes might take, such as getting the lift up from the station platform and waiting for a driver (taxi not train) to write a receipt...and also just because the novelty of being able to choose my departure time and method was too enticing to wait for! For it being a fine day to visit the city as the weather wasn't, for raiding a pleasantly quiet Poundland and getting some lunch alternatives from Gregg's.

For my treatment going mostly well. For the taxi back afterwards attempting to collect me from the wrong place which led to Rachel arriving here before I did, and greeting me with a freshly made mug of tea. What a delight!

For acupuncture. For friendship. For the mild temperatures and being at home after a long and sometimes tricky day.

Today's virus related gratitude is for how the situation challenges us to rethink priorities and possibilities. Oh and I just looked up and remembered the plant that Rachel gave me in the prettiest ceramic pot. I'm ever so grateful for that!

Administrative

I joke about days at the office, but today has been almost all about health related admin - phoning (including one call an hour long!), photocopying and filing. I give thanks though I was supposed to print out relevant pages of a long document to sign, I was asleep when it arrived and now can't be bothered to get up and see if the old Epson is in the mood! There's no real rush as I've been told I'm already officially in charge of organising my journeys to and fro from hospital (woohoo!) but...wait for it...I have to wait until (at least) 9th November to actually get my hands on the budget to fund them. 'It'll be back dated and you'll be able to be reimbursed' the chap told me...and I should blooming well hope so too at an estimated minimum weekly spend of close on £200! I'm grateful for the autonomy but also, justifiably I think, rather indignant at the lack of warning of how things would be.

In this office you have to do the cooking and dishes and laundry too so I'm grateful for fitting some of that in though I'm far from back to full strength yet. For having to go out to post something I was sent that was wrong so I could get a train ticket for tomorrow at the same time, and for valiantly attempting a short restorative pootle despite spring tides flooding the underpass to the beach and a river of schoolchildren taking over the footpath up to a view. For more emails, messages and phone calls valiantly attempting restoration of the website and mobile application services of a certain western railway company that has less than great technical support. I give thanks that e-ticketing exists, and if it would exist for me that would be rather handy right now!

My pandemic related gratitude for today is that my ISP upped my budget benefit recipient capped broadband package to unlimited usage at the end of March and hasn't put it back down yet. I give thanks for the many usages I put it to - streaming, shopping and 'office' work obviously, but also arranging to meet someone later this week I don't think I've seen all year, and for finding and contacting someone else I'm sure I've not for over forty! 

Amended

Goodness me what a busy day trying to sort out and catch up with all manner of things. I give thanks for some more energy to help with this. For waking up early with an idea for how to get away for a couple of nights, wrestling with the ifs, bits and maybes during the ensuing hours and finally clicking on the button to book something amendable just in case. 

For a nice woman who drove me in on Friday attempting to pick me up from the unit today and being super helpful when I said I'd be at least another half an hour, rebooking my journey with the cab company and then hanging around to collect me again. For another enjoyable chat with her and for an OK day at the office despite confusion and delays. 

For being fabulously full after once again failing to make two servings of my not too naughty but oh so nice home made cauliflower cheese last two days. Abstinence makes the taste buds and tummy fonder and even the tiniest bit of cheddar can be a great treat for a kidney patient! 

Today's Covid related gratitude is for the peacefulness there was during lockdown - well away from the front line anyway... 

Viral

This morning I opened the spare room curtains and said hello to these cheerful little lettuce plants that generously offer a layer of freshness to my food time and time again. And as I gave thanks for lockdown inspiring me to grow a little window sill garden (after years of saying I might), I decided to try to think of one thing I'm grateful for every day for a week that is in some way attributable to the pandemic. And that's today's of course!

Otherwise I've been very grateful it's been another day off and there's been plenty of opportunity to be horizontal and, as necessary, asleep. For nonetheless achieving the goals I set myself ie. to be dressed before midday, to be outdoors for a very slow very local pootle before dark, to chop some veg and fruit to supplement my currently packet based diet and to put away the rest of the packets! For the gilding of windows coming up to sunset. For the smell of the sea. For the heartrending cuteness of fluffy ducklings. For stumbling into the start of a Jurassic Park movie I'd not seen last night - I do enjoy that franchise though I'm pretty sure I'm not the demographic they are aiming for! Also for a Netflix offering I'd dismissed thinking it was a superfluous remake of the 2006 film of the book Perfume being in fact a series, nodding to the both of the above but a stand alone delight. Well, if you like that kind of thing - which I do.