Mixed

I give thanks for my bath...pretty much every time I get in it actually. And similarly for my bed when I wake up and don't have to get out of it! I give thanks for non-hospital days...and for feeling particularly mellow today. For the sunshine and clouds and seeing the sea...

I'm fine as long as I avoid the grimmest news reports and the Facebook posts of the folk who like to share them for reasons alien to me, but which no doubt make sense to them. For the reminder we all have to deal with this in our own way, and being 'up and down' emotionally is probably as good as it can be. For people who share happy, beautiful or funny stuff when they can. For Tesco having Paracetamol on their website again...please don't all go buying them before my precious order slot in 10 days time!

I give thanks for having plenty of food in still - and plenty of choice which is still a luxury. For having lots of pleasant pastimes too. Today I decided I'd see if I had enough of the right paints to mix a colour for the inside of my bedroom door - the last one to be done. I give thanks I've just made a rather lovely shade but after doing so many other jobs around the place I'm tired and the actual painting will have to wait...as will finding out if there's enough! I give thanks it's nearly bath with a book time. Have I mentioned I love my bath?

Nippy

Although I started my second day on the unit a bit like a dog going to the vet, I give thanks it wasn't quite as mentally arduous as before. Physically it was rather challenging from the moment the cab driver insisted I got in behind her as another patient was on the other side of the back seat, making me try not to breathe for a half hour's journey! The upside of this was, as I didn't know who to talk to about it, I talked to everyone who came my way - apart from the driver and the other passenger who seemed to think all was a OK. Sharing taxis is not allowed for anyone at the moment, and certainly out of order for someone who has been sent elsewhere for safety, so I was grateful no one argued with that and I had a whole 7-seater to myself on the return and could enjoy the better views.

I give thanks for surviving the almost unbearable chill in the dual aspect (though the chair doesn't face either) side room. Even a thermal vest and a cosy quilt on top of me didn't help much which is not surprising when your blood is wandering around in the nippy air instead of staying warm inside. I was very grateful for a cup of tea so hot I could hardly lift it and a selection of tasty biscuits. One even had chocolate chips!

I give thanks for being home. Home is where the heater is, and also some ready made chick pea curry from the depths of the larder shelves. That should warm the cockles...

Moving

Or not as the case may be! I give thanks for feeling physically weary today or I'd probably have been more mentally distressed about being banned from going outdoors. They would have been ideal walking conditions for me - bright but chilly enough to wear a hat to hide the unintentional mullet due to my hair growing back, and with hardly a soul around! I give thanks for remembering last Sunday, when I had both the energy and government approval to wandered about locally, go into shops and choose some odds and ends, and walk a little way to see across the bay.

I give thanks for the view from my window, watching the waves chase in on the brisk wind earlier, and the sparkle of the sun. For having cleaning to keep me busy now my home help cannot come, and managing a very small but encouraging amount of re-organising as well. I even managed to clear my table ready to start that jigsaw soon. For putting the pretty rug from the spare room down in the living room for a while as it was wasted just folded up in a heap of things being moved around as little bits of painting get done.

I've missed the hour as Sunday is a precious day when a Monday has to follow, but I give thanks for enjoying the time I've had despite that shadow in my mind. For the moving true tale of Crip Camp making me remember how fortunate I have been, and for sitting down to a late lunch just as something on Film4 was starting. It was a few minutes before I realised it had Jim Carrey in, an actor I usually prefer to miss, but by then I was drawn in and thus give thanks for accidentally watching Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. A rather enjoyable reason to do some more lazing around.

Arranged

I give thanks for being in better spirits than I was last night when I pretty much lost the plot. In some ways it's a blessing to be used to facing likely if not imminent death, grim news and grimmer predictions, restriction on movement, cancelled plans, loss of leisure pursuits etc., but on the other hand even old hands have a level beyond which stress overload alarm bells ring. Over the last year or two there've been a few times when I've not been able to see how I can possibly deal with the next difficult thing that life serves up to me along with the less than lovely ones already on my plate. I'm grateful I'm learning how to acknowledge my desperation...and accept sometimes you feel like you can't carry on, but that doesn't mean you don't have to...

We've all got our struggles right now, and we all have to struggle on with them in hope that there'll be a better bit up ahead. I give thanks for Mima braving the supermarket and sorting office to leave a few grocery necessities downstairs along with my belated birthday jigsaw from Bob. For Ruth advising she is possibly able to be my treatment taxi sometimes which would make journeys more enjoyable and practical. Also for not getting over excited - after all it's only a few weeks ago I was delighted I'd soon be arranging my own transport to make dialysis days suit me more, and travelling to see special folk today.

I give thanks for finding a forgotten jar of chutney in the back of the cupboard which was just what some leftover curry required. For gently carrying on with making my living quarters seem less like the Marie Celeste was having a makeover at the time, and after numerous trips up and down the ladder finally managing to hang a favourite picture plus my guitar and mandolin from the picture rail. For the entertainment of the government's 'high risk' text service which leave me wondering what other kinds of risks its receivers are in. This morning's message suggested you thought of ways to spend your time - like reading or watching a film perhaps. I give thanks I already came up with those ideas on my own...along with a few dozen others!

Round

I give tremendous amounts of thanks for being back home. It's been a bit of a God give me strength day so I give thanks either a deity or something else entirely did - perhaps clean blood and a shot of iron helped.

I give thanks for last night's all around Britain Clap for Carers, very moving to feel the appreciation and the sense of community, seeing neighbours in flats across the street at their windows and hearing the applause, whoops and whistles. Also I'm grateful I've met a few dialysis nurses and hospital cab drivers now and could confidently predict the conversations I would have today. It didn't make them any more enjoyable for either party as I'm so bad at responding to banalities, formulaic grumbles or 'Aren't I amazing?' monologues, but at least I didn't imagine there would be any real communication or connection involved. That's the hard part of having to move...sometimes before there was a little here and there. On the other hand it's always interesting to study human nature, as if you do you realise there are certain personality traits and behaviours you encounter over and over again...

I give thanks for remembering there was no WiFi signal there and downloading some entertainment. Also that eventually a tea trolley did arrive. Volunteers womanned this service before and, as they've had to stop, our much valued cuppa and biscuits relies on busy support staff being free. For being allowed to choose the first taxi journey (coast road, please) as the return was predictably by the bypass so I got a visually pleasing round trip, plus a few minutes waiting in the previous fresh air at each end!

Floating

I give thanks for rediscovering how much nicer my living room looks when (at least some of) the furniture etc is back where it belongs. There's a lot less of the most horridly unfinished wall showing than I imagined - which is of course why so much stuff had to be moved in the first place. For having a smart arse answer ready for anyone who comes out with the usual 'Be careful!' regarding my exertions. I am being careful - I'm not asking for help! For a bit more of the previous 'slide puzzle' decorating, shoving things along a bit and painting what I can get to.

For Tesco finally saying when they get more new staff trained they will not only open up more delivery slots, but they will save some for the vulnerable who cannot get to their 'special' hour. For seeing on their website stocks are recovering and being cautiously optimistic... For not being in particular need of anything right now but also for Clive ringing me from Lidl this morning to say he'd found some bleach, Jo texting on the way to Waitrose just in case they had some unnecessary but favourite items* and Mima agreeing to bring a few top up basics on Saturday (subject to availability).

Severely lacking in energy or motivation this morning, I give thanks for a surgical supplies delivery due to the doorstep to force me upwards and onwards. For some second hand books ordered also arriving this afternoon. Posties must busy right now - packets usually arrive in the morning - and I've been busy too up and down stairs putting notes on the door and collecting goodies after. I was grateful for a lovely snoozy listen to James Anthony Walker's Floating which is the most relaxing piece of music I know. Particularly appreciated in current times.

*They did, and antibac hand-wash too. I give thanks lock down and enforced social distance shopping is helping the stores restock!

Tough

I give thanks for the reminder I'm going to have to toughen up. The news I'm being moved to the unit where the bullying staff had me in tears last year, had me weeping again this afternoon. Eventually I gave thanks for the rather patronising nurse dismissing my distress with 'It's for your own good' too because I'm going to have to get ready for being patronised and talked down to again. I've been spoilt here for a while with my room with a (bit of a) view where I'm mostly attended to by people who can see my body might be broken but my brain is still intact while my sense of humour, though unusual, has its merits. I give thanks in retrospect for my good fortune at a relatively pleasant period in dealing with deteriorating health...and for the news just as I was leaving that a very nice woman I met and chatted at length too a while back is now the matron where I'm going. This could possibly help a lot...

I give thanks for understanding the move is intended for my own physical good, whatever mental stress is caused. My current unit is being prepared to take infected patients, and being high risk it's best for me to be elsewhere. But this, along with a letter asking us to supply a name of someone who can bring us in to hospital if the transport system fails, brought it home to me most miserably what a burden on the system I am. I give thanks for not pinning my hopes on returning, but wistfully wishing a little nonetheless.

I give thanks for this morning's driver taking me a different way through the city to give me some variety - before I realised I'd be heading in completely the other direction from now on. For the dusting of green on distant trees...and seeing the tiny opening leaves when stopped at traffic lights. For the astonishingly warm temperatures we often have in March - and for the British weather amnesia meaning folk are always surprised! Oh...and for forgetting the word amnesia so I had to look it up!

Sunny

I give thanks for the glorious weather. For not thinking it's ironic or 'just my luck' as I'm aware weather doesn't have a vendetta against me...nor does anything else in the current situation I might prefer to be other than it is.

For a few minutes with my face turned up to the sun when I took the recycling out. For being pleased with the first stages of making surroundings look less like a halted decoration project. Some of it currently looks worse... But isn't that always the way when you rearrange stuff? For trying to regularly remind myself there is no rush... and that I'm very fortunate to be able to make gradual changes on my own.

I give thanks for my Facebook SOS resulting in Clive delivering half a dozen fresh farm eggs to my doorstep when he came to collect his tools (sigh) and for him popping to Co op to get me some fizzy water. For managing to think of something I could stock up with that they actually had in stock!

For the blessing of contentment with my own company, and for the kindness of people wanting to get in touch.

Resourceful

I give thanks my middle name's Baldrick, I wrote...and then saw an Ancestry Facebook post saying the story behind my surname might surprise me! A spot of synchronicity is always welcome round here... After spending the first part of the weekend cunningly planning how best to prepare for the lining paper going up on Wednesday to relieve me of the sight of some horridly surfaced walls (plus a section of pretty paper too!) I then started a slow motion but successful sequence of filling, sanding, painting and moving things around so if I suddenly started feeling as rubbish as I usually do after immunotherapy there wouldn't be too much to do. I was very grateful for the progress and this morning was doing just that little bit more...but by this afternoon I was cancelling everything non life saving on my calendar for 'shielding', so now I'm grateful for my resourcefulness as I turn my attention to how best to live in suspended decoration for a few months without it driving me up the unfinished walls! I've also been giving a lot of thanks almost everything I needed help with in my bedroom has been done over the last couple of weeks and that room already looks comfortable and homely and calm...

I give thanks for another wonderfully sunny spring day and for being early on the pavement for both taxis to enjoy a few minutes of it twice. For the unfurling leaf buds on some of the trees. For the internet caps on my budget broadband package being suspended so I can now watch Netflix on my TV...though when I move the sofa back against the wall it's been away from for the various jobs going on, the screen is not going to seem a whole lot bigger than my tablet! And talking of tablets I give thanks to Ann for sending me two packs of paracetamol. I'm trying to toughen up and I'm very grateful that so far since the shortage the my usual aches and pains have been relatively kind to me. I also give thanks for the folk looking out on my behalf for a variety of other products currently in short supply on nearby shelves...

Informed

I give thanks for the fab spring weather. If everyone would bog off and enjoy it elsewhere so I can maintain the minimum two metre exclusion zone that feels comfortable to me even when there aren't fatal diseases around, I would be most grateful. Still, I do give thanks my natural propensity to scuttle out of the way of passers by no longer raises eyebrows.

I give thanks for managing to buy a few essentials with little human contact...and even more so for a seat in the sunshine beside the sea before coming home and reading I now must completely stay indoors except to go to hospital for dialysis. Although obviously this is a very scary combination it does mean that my treatment schedule suddenly becomes a great treat - as for brief periods when leaving and entering buildings I'll have some fresh air and maybe some sun on my skin. For a few people having said they'll pick up supplies for me.

I give thanks for some birthday/Mother's day treats from Bob. For finally starting the QI book I had for Christmas and enjoying the information and humour a lot. For listening to an old Loose Ends in which they talked about another non fiction book I fancy reading and finding it going cheap on ebay.

I give thanks for a bit more give energy for a few more stages of the decorating jobs I'm capable of. If I'm going to be stuck at home a long time, the nicer looking and more comfortable that home is the better life will be, while the included exercise will be handy too! For being optimistic I will be stuck at home a long time as that's better than any other scenario just now...

Perverse

It was beginning to look a lot like Christmas this morning with the churning sea almost as white as snow, a full fridge and empty roads and pavements... but the latter became surprisingly busy later though pedestrians only in ones or twos not coach loads at a time.

Though complete isolation is impossible for me I was very grateful after a busy week for a damn fine reason not to brush my hair and venture out of the door! I'd assumed after double the immunotherapy drug dose (so it would last me double the time) I'd have at least the usual 'flu like' symptoms I've come to expect the weekend after, and planned a variety of almost nothings to do...but when that didn't actually happen I did actually feel rather grateful I was able to catch up with other indoor stuff instead.

I give thanks Sam the decorator man has a cancellation next week so he can work here one afternoon while I'm at hospital, so I give thanks for starting preparing for that. Due to the flat refusal of my original choice of wallpaper to go up flat on the less than perfect walls, I'm going to have to move a lot of things out of his way that I thought could stay where they were so I give thanks for trying to pace myself with lots of Netflix rests so the unexpected energy lasts. I also give thanks for knowing I've no way of knowing if I've been successful at preserving it or not until it runs out or it doesn't! Acceptance of how illusory our sense of control over situations are is a useful skill to hone right now...

Gentil

I give thanks for all the ways folk are trying to be helpful and spread happiness right now. Long may this continue... a lot longer than this bug...and may the ones who continue to share gloom and doom become infected with the love! Worry is awfully bad for your immune system you know, so I'd be most grateful if you would try to catch it and bin it as soon as you can...

I give thanks for taking a back seat in taxis now...in particular this morning as the driver was the one who has his fingers up his nose the whole journey - occasionally swapping hands or wiping then on his sleeve or the steering wheel!

Most wondrous and pleasing of all has been an astonishingly mellow two treatment day, with very little waiting around, only one failed attempt at getting the cannula in and having to ask the transport home to pick me up earlier than it was booked for instead of later. I give thanks you probably cannot imagine how much more bearable this made the experience...so just trust me the difference was huge! For getting home before darkness so I could watch some tumbling waves. For my lovely home help coming in my absence and doing all manner of much appreciated tasks including queueing in the chemist for my meds and putting clean sheets on the bed.

Sound

I give thanks for feeling better after a good night's sleep...plus a bit of a top up nap this afternoon! It's been a busy week for me, as it has for a lot of other folk I'm sure, so I'm grateful for the thought of a mostly home alone taking it easy time on its way. Two treatment Friday has to be dealt with first of course, but to help me with that I have the promise that after tomorrow I will be switching to the once every six weeks regime so these dreaded days will be further apart. I was close to tears with relief when I was informed of that on this morning's call from the specialist nurse. I get that it's for my own good but coping with the therapies on top of the diseases sure can wear a body out...

I give thanks for physically rather distant but sociable lunch out with Mima in a cafe where I was rather taken by this painting of a solitary tree...ooh and I just remembered I bought cake home and put it in the fridge! For a very full fridge as Tesco managed to supply most of the items on my final attempt at an order last night...and for Julie for so kindly collecting them and delivering them to my kitchen. For keeping a generous space between us as we swapped news of the new normal all around. 

I give thanks for the folk who are endeavouring to fill Facebook with cheerful, humorous or useful posts. Looking for something of my own to add I was grateful to find this wonderful sounding instrument. Like a gong it seems to do something very pleasant to more than just your ears...and of course a man with a French accent's always a bonus too! 

https://twistedsifter.com/videos/coolest-instrument-ever-cristal-baschet/?fbclid=IwAR156YjBS0iZVUP3k5REtdzcxLBnguRWXc4_uHbvHpxsBwGSfuP3ShFTiFg

Crabby

It's not just the virus that's catching - I've started feeling miserable, grumpy and resentful too! I give thanks for being aware of this and trying to be accepting of my mood and the situations that cause it...whilst also endeavouring not to pass it on too much.

I give thanks for understanding one of the reasons for being below par today is being so tired after being so energetic yesterday. Fair enough really I guess. As well as hunting and gathering ingredients I got some cooking done too, so I'm grateful for now having a few meals to eat without having to do more much more than than heat them up.

I give thanks for also understanding that it's amazing I'm still receiving both renal and cancer treatment, and I just have to accept that having the two on the same day is never going to be easy as the two sets of systems, timings, staff and procedures just do not mesh well. As my personal transport budget has had to be shelved for now I am at the mercy of the non patient facing schedulers who are as aware of life at the painful end as the supermarket CEOs. Tesco's sent customers a message asking people to shop in store to free up the (currently non-existent) collection and delivery slots for the elderly and vulnerable...and have offered us an hour on Monday Wednesday and Friday mornings too. He probably thinks we have cars doesn't he... Maybe with chauffeurs too!

I give thanks for finding some chamomile tea on the ever more bare shelves of the Co-op...and for showing restraint by only buying one packet. I was tempted by the potential calm of Crabbie's as well... Wonder how long this restraint malarkey will last?

Enough

I give thanks for practising gratitude, a useful mental exercise right now. For viewing challenges as a means for growth, learning and adaptation...and for not adhering to a religion that tells me when I can eat pancakes! After an exhausted early night and a good long sleep I was very grateful to devour a small batch for a late breakfast.

I give thanks for feeling quite energetic despite a snuffly nose, and for pottering about doing this and that. For Tani bringing me goods from the healthfood shop after warning me their shelves were becoming bare and for popping to a couple of local stores myself to see this strange phenomenon first hand. For finding (at last) Quorn pieces in my travels and stocking up on scones!

We all have our worries and concerns, and I give thanks for realising I must try to go easy on the empathy. Compassion is fine but I can find myself fretting futilely over the situations other people are in, and there are so many situations that have the potential to be so hard. For sending metta to all that cross my mind...for considering what really matters...and meditating on the concept of *enough*...

I give thanks for being used to disappointing changes of plan and facing the possibility of escalating illness and death, for being rather fond of social distance and comfortable with long stretches of time home alone. For having helpful friends and facilities not too far away. For the wonders of the internet...

High

I give thanks when something crashed against my window last night it was a high flying pheasant not masonry. I was grateful it survived the night as well as a live game bird is odd but easier to deal with if your not a pheasant plucker...but even more so when it vanished not long after we'd eyed each other over my morning cup of tea!

After a bad night I was very tired and also very achey after all my weekend work and play, so I give thanks for almost looking forward to a nice quiet sit down on the unit. I give thanks for eyebrows being raised when my temperature was, but also that it soon went down again after we opened a window and chilled my blood as it wandered to and from the machine. When I asked what they would have done if it hadn't dropped I was relieved to hear my consultant was negotiating same day testing on site, and various other contingency plans.

I give thanks it's been such a beautiful sunny day and for being able to admire it even if mostly through glass. For being home on my sofa with a simple tea waiting for cooking and some soothing bath water heating up, though I think getting back into bed may well be the high spot of the day!

Gripping

I give thanks for waking feeling rested, contented and well. Can't ask for much more can you? But if you'd like to hear a few extra reasons for cheerfulness from me, here we go...

I give thanks for my fabulous wellies - smiley to look at and so comfy to wear which if you've ever had wellies you'll know isn't often the case. For seeing pasta and loo roll in two nearby shops and paracetamol in one. For the ever growing protein choices for those who don't like to chomp on animals all the time. Last night I had Cheatin Chorizo bits in my barley stew and there's smoked tofu sausage slices in my savoury crumble for tea. Oh and there were Bramley apples in the Co-op too, a rare find there and much appreciated to go in my yummy puddings.

I give thanks for some energy and inclination to progress with the perfecting of my home. For two coats of paint on the last hall door. There are six in total and not only is each one is a different colour - because I have different tastes from most - but I've had to mix the paint for four of them because those tastes are very specific. For being pleased with the smokey mauve.

I give thanks for the frequent spasms of cramp in whichever hand is gripping whatever piece of equipment leading to the rest of my body getting rests as well when I have to down tools. For Jo and Keith finding my favourite organic Oatly milk in Waitrose and delivering a couple of cartons. For downing tools for the evening now and playing couch potato instead.

Unusual

Went out so early this morning I thought people were staying indoors due to fear or fever so I give thanks, as the day progressed, for realising they just had a more leisurely start to the weekend! Heart warming to see so many folk travelling and strolling about enjoying this lovely part of the world...and for the strangely serene train journey beforehand with the calm high tide, an egret in the reeds and primrose banks beside the tracks to enjoy.

I give thanks the reason for my unusually timed excursion was unusually pleasant - meeting good friends for refreshments in a beautiful building in beautiful gardens and park...with birdsong... and a Shetland pony who clearly enjoyed a lie in too! Craftspeople work and sell their wares there too (gotta love English spelling eh?) and I give thanks for the chance to admire...but even more so for the inspiring mosaic exhibition we'd planned to see, but had no idea would be quite such a feast for the eyes! Some really stunning pieces and oh how it got those creative juices flowing!

I give thanks for laughter and companionship and seeing different places...and for honouring my need for peaceful solitude in the afternoon.  For managing to move my creation of a beautiful flat on a smidge in the unsung, barely noticeable form of prep...and for a long lush much needed nap in my noticeably improving bedroom.

Joyous

Well it wasn't the nicest day in the office but I give thanks for a home made flapjack from Mima, a huge pile of biscuits from the new tea chap who felt sorry for me being right at the end of his round and some interesting conversation with the ward matron including a film recommendation I actually think I would enjoy. For enjoying more of The End of series aforementioned - just love the sound track too!

I give thanks for biting the bullet when I got home and opening the second hospital letter this week. You see those white windowed envelopes with Private and Confidential on them and your heart sinks. This time though it was to to tell me my recent scan showed the cancer mass has shrunk since I started immunotherapy so, though of course it does mean more of the rather horrid side effects, it also means it seems worth putting up with them!

I give thanks for the angel card I turned over this morning being 'Joy' and for thinking I was open to that. For the news making others joyful too! For having food to cook for my tea and enough energy before I start to go and see if there's anything left on the Co-op shelves I might like to add to mine! For years I've called food shopping 'hunting and gathering' and now the name's come true...

Stuffed

There are few greater treats than being able to eat when you are hungry and sleep when you are tired. While out with Mima today we ate (or tried to) some most unappetising food but remembered to be grateful for the calories, and the nap when I got home was delicious! I give thanks for a change of scene, some light shop pottering, avoiding the worst of the weather, enjoying the best, and the stunning views from the cafe where we both had to give up on the cake due to its sickly flavourlessness. We shall vote with out feet and go to the prepacked biscuit section next time!

I give thanks for my energy and motivation over the last couple of days. For the reminder not to take things for granted when I had none today! We're all beginning to be reminded about this lately in lots of different ways, and more to come I'm sure, so getting used to not getting used to things is a practice to practise whenever the opportunity comes along. Even the less mainstream food stuffs I tend to choose are not always available now, and supermarket delivery or collection slots are getting hard to come by so I give thanks I've managed to book a collection slot for a week today plus someone to collect it for me... and that so far some of the things I want are in stock!

Historic

Twice today I was told I was observant - I give thanks for noticing that! For almost starting another rather physical task just now and then looking back on all I've done today and convincing myself maybe not... For having the energy to have done a fair bit and not suffering an unfair amount of pain to go with it.

I give thanks for a relatively stress free 'day at the office' including the human interactions which often tax me the most. For the sister who disconnected me being the one who offers to pack up your things - a service for which I'm really grateful when struggling into my layers knowing the taxi is there. For the driver home coming up with a suggestion for a museum in London I'd probably enjoy as I was singing the praises of the Geffrye. (Daniel Sever's house in case you're wondering...) And in looking up Geffrye, as I knew the spelling was tricky, I discovered they are closed for a revamp and changing their name so the old one won't trouble me again! For vague plans of a day trip to the city which may or may not transpire but give me pleasure to think of and slightly plan even if they do not.

Low

I give thanks for not feeling so low in spirits today, though I did wake up at three thirty and couldn't get back to sleep which is a classic symptom of depression. As 'finishing' the living room has been put back by several weeks and several more pounds than I'm ready to spend, I give thanks for gently progressing with bedrooms 1 and 2...and for the luxury of having a spare! For the easy assembly of a budget but rather beautiful ottoman bought last week to contain summer clothes contained in boxes, as a friend who was moving said they wanted those... And though I'm far from a perfectionist, for the satisfaction of getting round and down to prepping the last section of skirting board hitherto under the bed ready for a lick of paint.

I give thanks for going out for a couple of hours on a remarkably beautiful train ride to get a bit of a staycation feeling. One of the causes of my glumness has been how hard it is for dialysis patients to have even a short break as so few UK units have spare capacity (abroad has been scuppered by Brexit, except for those who are rich enough to pay for their treatment..and lucky enough not to have cancer!) I was grateful therefore to be able to appreciate a bit of somewhere different nearby. For the tide being the lowest I've seen it for the longest time providing unusual sights and views around the coast and estuary and for brightness where I was but dark clouds always to add some atmosphere. For this mural in an underpass which never fails yo please. For drizzly rain when I got home and being snug on my sofa.

First

Ouch! My disappointment nerve is getting tweaked rather more often than is comfortable lately, so I give thanks for being reminded about the risks of expectations...though not always straight away, of course!  Life as we think we know it doesn't actually exist and it's sensible to remember it may not always do what it says on the tin, fact sheet, website or whatever, let alone whatever we imagine what it says might actually mean. Everything and everyone is a process, full of variables and changeability and out first choice to pin our hopes on should be that we get better at equanimity. I give thanks for practising...

I give thanks for being home and cosy on a rather dreary damp evening. For food to eat without having to go out and see what's left on the supermarket shelves. For Sam the decorator man being congenial company and succeeding with papering the two waiting bedroom walls. For the paper I chose even before I moved in looking delightfully right. For being sure I will eventually come up with a workable remedy for the fiasco in the living room...and for plenty to be getting on with while I wait for Plan G inspiration to arrive.

I give thanks for not feeling the need to use excessively disaster laden language to describe what has and has not gone on over the last few days, nor even to press your bad news seeking buttons by going into details. My problems are thwarted First World whims, not matters of life and death. And even the matters of life and death...well, those are totally First World too when you think about it! I give thanks for allowing myself to believe the immersion heater is warming up a tank of water as a First World wallow would be very welcome right now!

Bad

I'm not always as grateful or good humoured as you might like to think I am. Today therefore, glum, grumpy and thoroughly dissatisfied with my lot, I give thanks for remembering that when we are in a 'bad' mood we can find all kinds of causes and intensifiers because we are viewing the world through spectacles tinted a very different shade from rose. Also, because we are experiencing emotions we classify as negative we tend to try to justify them, instead of just being aware and accepting and watching for them to change to ones we (and probably other people) find more appealing.

I give thanks for eventually getting back to work on filling and sanding the walls I hope I'm making good enough for Sam to paper tomorrow, after realising if I waited until I felt like it it would never happen at all. For Julie coming to bring some things and take even more away - always my favourite ratio where 'stuff' is concerned - and for she too feeling out orlf sorts so we could have a grumble together over tea and biscuits. For Dove's Farm digestives - always a joy even when you don't feel joyful...and for not burning the poppadoms which can be an accident extra keen to happen when you're not at peace with the world.

Wise

I give thanks for appreciating apparently simple comforts last night and today - a book I kept wanting to find out what happened next in, something equally gripping on TV, a long fragrant bubbly bath, extremely cheap but extremely tasty date sensitive bargains from local grocery stores (well the ones I put in my mouth rather than the freezer were tasty anyway!) For realising how blessed I am to have these kinds of pleasures so easily obtained...

For a shivery cloudy morning turning into a patchily bright day so that eventually the empty streets began to fill. Though I don't blame anyone for not venturing out first thing, I was a little worried maybe the world as we know it had ground to a halt overnight. That 70s TV programme Survivors seems to have left an indelible mark on my psyche! I give thanks for venturing out myself eventually and in my travels finding a shop with some paracetamol to sell. Another had toilet roll, but obviously I need to keep the locations secret to avoid creating a stampede!

I give thanks, after a relaxed and snoozy couple of hours, for having a bit of a go at getting more ready a) for Sam the decorating man who is due on Monday morning, and b) for Julie who is coming tomorrow to help me get ready for that. For my hands being amenable to these activities for a while and, I hope, stopping in time to finish making the meal I started earlier before they start hurting too much.

Worldly

I was grateful for the sight of two men in skirts this morning, a few miles apart and several more from the city. It has always seemed to me only justified that they should have the choice as females have been wearing (the) trousers for so long, but it still makes me stare for a moment while I make sure I'm seeing what I think I am!

I give thanks for getting up early enough to be busy enough this morning to feel I don't have to be tonight. I've been putting some pressure on myself to get on with the decorating jobs I'm physically capable of... when I'm physically capable of course. And though I'm grateful for feeling well enough to make a little progress in the last twenty four hours, relaxation is very important too especially when that TFI Friday feeling is oh so strong for a Monday, Wednesday, Friday dialysis patient. My sore hands will be very grateful for some time off too, every little thing aggravates them right now...

I give thanks for the cleanness left by the cleaner, and the clear evening light after a showery afternoon. For being in a far better mood than I was a few hours ago after finally getting round to starting watching The End of the F***ING World at the hospital. Bob suggested I might enjoy this when I was wondering whether to sign up for Netflix last year and he clearly understands my sense of humour very well! How lovely to be able to laugh your way out of a long blue mood.

Wet

I give thanks for a good sleep and a trip to St. Mary's in my dreams. I give thanks for having been to the Isles of Scilly so am well aware what I am missing!

For waking up to torrential rain...and not having to get out of bed. For the windows being brighter for a bit of a power wash! For having a home to protect me from the elements...and for having a home which, despite being an irritating muddle with so many jobs going on and so little energy, I enjoy being in so much.

I give thanks for not feeling nauseous today, and a little more capable of pottering around indoors. For making one of my yummy Eve's puddings - blueberry and Bramley flavour this time...and for getting a paintbrush briefly wet.

For plenty of rests and reminding myself to go slowly in between, and not at my own chosen speed. For knowing a cultural reference when one inadvertently slips into my idiolect...and for thinking that and *almost* wishing I was discovering fascinating findings about language use with the OU again. Luckily, though the prospectus makes my mouth water the fees, make me wince!

Most of all, and best of all today, has been a sense there's a quality of life to justify the quantity of treatments and associated hospital visits, feeling horrible, tedious travel, phone calls, emails and waiting around that make up so much of it. It isn't a given that my situation gives me this, so I'm extremely grateful when it does.

Caught

I give thanks for a rough night so having to rise at 6 for pre fast pre scan refreshments wasn't as hard as it might have been. For feeling queasy again so then not eating for a few hours wasn't much of a trial either...For this pretty bare tree on the journey that caught my eye.

I give thanks for still feeling unwell when a long time later I was in the hospital cafe where I meant to have a jacket potato lunch, as I could save both the money and the renal sin for another time! For tea and biscuits which are by far the easiest thing to serve and ingest right now...and for having some served to me while I sat in my dialysis chair. For accidentally ordering  a large sliced loaf from Tesco at the weekend as I think sandwiches might the next least bothersome. For fish fingers, for my freezer. For Sarah the research nurse coming to talk to me about the study I'm on and other matters besides, brightening and speeding up the dragging final half hour of treatment.

I give thanks for watching Murder 24/7 - not just because I'm fascinated by the forensic solving of crime, but also because the featured force have a cute and enthusiastic blood dog to assist in their endeavours. There is little more enchanting than a spaniel's waggy tail!

Unworkable

So I couldn't have the day off yesterday, but I give thanks for the evening off in lieu - after deciding even lifting the remote control was too much effort I took myself off to bed after posting last night. Sleeping so early meant being awake in the early hours and then sleeping late, but I was grateful for the rest, and for not having to be anywhere or doing anything today.

I give thanks after a long bath and light lunch I felt up for a scenic bus ride to attend to some odds and ends. For the clear light making distant places seem closer and, nearer by, for spotting catkins and may blossom in the hedgerows, a primrose bank, and more magnolias building up to their glory. Unfortunately by the end of the journey I was feeling really rough so trimmed to the to do list and rushed back for the next bus...which developed a fault and couldn't set off. The good thing about this was it gave me more time to recover, and also to get the goods I'd decided to leave behind...plus I'm even more extremely grateful to be back on the sofa again!

I give thanks for the sight of enterprising pigeons breaking into bird seed bags outside a shop for a snack. And for the long and active life of my brown suede boots which I have happily worn out, and resignedly accept cannot be repaired. I can't remember exactly how long I've had them but I bought them in Barratts for £25 so that's a clue!

Simple

Oh poop! I could have done with another day off today... I give thanks for making the morning as leisurely and lovely as I could, including blueberry porridge in the sun warmed chair by my living room window, until the dazzle on the sea became too bright.

For, I hope, providing the appropriate amount of nodding and smiling when I could linger in comfortable aloneness no more. For having my blood cleaned...and my blood pressure monitored when it went too low. For managing to stay upright on my return and putting together the simple tea I'd planned for Rachel's visit. For it being simply delicious! For Sainsbury's vegan meatballs, Tesco non-vegan noodles and my own liquidised odds and ends from the freezer smokey sauce.

For a grateful exchange of our birthday gifts, for a gentle acupuncture treatment and some domestic chores done for me while those needles did their thing...and for, at last, being curled up with a hot water bottle on the sofa again.

Hooked

Don't cry for me ardent reader! As I'm usually so driven to achieve in the small ways I still can, I'm grateful for the pleasure of letting myself off the hook for a couple of days. For the dossing around contributing to very little pain...for naps and for feeling rather smug and proud when I stir myself and get on with this and that. For making some sauce for dinner tomorrow and a little gentle progress on my long running (and much loved!) rag rug project.

I give thanks for a most friendly and helpful Tesco driver, and for most of what I ordered being delivered to my kitchen worktops. For remembering the items missing were First World whims not nutritional essentials and, though I was grateful two separate people offered to get me groceries from two separate shops they were going to, for resisting the temptation to ask for more. I have more more... more than enough! For those mini bags of Proper Corn, see above - quite unnecessary but a satisfying sofa (or treatment chair) snack that's prepacked to discourage munching on and on...