Testing

I give thanks for managing to wake myself up in time for the specialist immunotherapy nurse to phone first thing, despite a long sleepless patch in the night. For my blood results showing all OK to carry on with treatment, and surprisingly that the renal tests coming back better than a couple of weeks ago which, was good to hear, though I doubt it'll be a continuing trend.

I give thanks for a clearing a mammoth pile of washing up and then having a mammoth cooking session preparing food for lunch, tea, tea tomorrow and something started for the weekend too! For letting myself off the washing up afterwards and doing some important idling around instead.

I give thanks it was perfect stay at home weather this morning with howling wind and torrential rain...and that unusually, when it cleared up, there weren't suddenly lots of people out and about taking their permitted exercise. For taking the opportunity for a brief brisk forbidden local walk of my own. Sadly (or should I say happily?) I find this a far more pleasant place to be while there are more water fowl around than humans.

For finally managing to find Sainsbury's delivery slot available at a suitable upcoming time...and book it!

Growing

Everything in the garden is...well...little...but I give thanks that's fine as I'm trying to grow baby leaves for salad. I give thanks for a bright window sill and finding a 'just the right size' container in the back of a kitchen cupboard. For all the more flamboyant things I've seen travelling to hospital and back - clematis and lilac in various shades, red hot pokers and the chestnut candles which seem particularly bright this year.

For the new sea wall growing too and for the line of top pieces finally coming into view from here...with plenty of sea still to see above them. Not as high as the waves that splash up at high tide in certain wind directions so it will be interesting to see how it's curved profile works.

I give thanks for feeling better than I did yesterday though mostly only interested in food and sleep so not a bad afternoon for treatment really! For the yarn I ordered to make a summer cover up taking probably less time to arrive than I spent looking for it on line! Lots of places are running low on their lower priced stock due to a run on orders from the housebound and a lack of deliveries I guess. Couldn't get quite the colours and ply I envisaged but I'm delighted the stitch pattern I had in my head seems to be working out tickety boo in the sample piece.

Rediscovered

I give thanks for my busy and productive evening yesterday as immunotherapy side effects have laid me low today. For pain, rain, lockdown and lockdown unlimited data being actually quite a reasonable combination. I rarely have a problem with motivation but my chilling skills do need some work!

For discovering Tales of the City is still available in the Channel 4 archives. Netflix has a follow up mini series but I've forgotten much of what they're following up on and no longer have the books. For dipping into a sci-fi book I do have and for years have meant to pass on to Bob. I wondered if I'd misremembered how good it was or why I thought he'd like it as he's not much of a reader these days, but dipping soon became devouring and it looks like I'll be enjoying it myself all over again whether he likes it or not!

I could have quite contentedly stayed in bed but I was grateful deliveries of groceries and stoma supplies were worth getting up for. For Mima bringing some frozen fish and a fresh bunch of flowers in exchange for some bits I got for her. For a whole fresh selection of tasty morsels to tempt my off colour appetite.

Purposeful

I give thanks for the treatment that keeps me alive. For food which does so also...but much more enjoyably! For this afternoon passing more swiftly than it sometimes seems to do. And for much contented useful busyness since I've been home.

For the new normal neighbourhood sights of one man who does power walk laps around the length of the brook in increasingly sporty clothing and another with a big white beard who drives a JCBf for Network Rail in a series of apparently pointless but very purposeful manœuvres.

For thinking the ducks were unusually loud this morning when I shut the gate...and turning round to see a young family waddling along the pavement towards me. I told the mother it really wasn't a safe spot to be but she carried on past keeping her brood moving along as close to the walls as she could. She must have crossed a minimum of one road on her journey and had at least one more to negotiate to return to the water so it was good to see she had some traffic sense! I give thanks I think I could make out the same group safely swimming this evening.

Clingy

I'm cream quackered this evening but I'm grateful this was part of the plan formulated in the sleepless part of the night, when I figured a bit more fresh air and exercise might help. For managing to take  short but (for me nowadays) fairly vigorous walk hardly encountering anyone else, and certainly none who didn't press themselves into a wall or hedge as I approached! For seeing some cute little ducklings - probably my favourite baby animal of all (including humans) - the glorious sweep of the bay and the hanging gardens of wildflowers on the cliffs.

For a bit of light pampering and a long soak in the bath. For managing to finish sewing my bird cushion cover without too much cramp in the hands or stabbing with pins. For also finishing what seemed to be far too much washing up for one!

Coincidental

I give thanks for coincidences - well mostly anyway! Last week I was watching the One World Together highlights...and there's a kidney machine: then today in a Netflix doc about a straight Jewish couple who ran a gay porn empire there's a few more (in the pre-porn part of the story!) and both times I'm like 'Really? Could I not have a break from renal reminders in my break?'

There have been recent ones that have made me smile though. At the hospital for some reason yesterday the I found myself missing the infectious chuckle of the young Italian nurse at my former dialysis base. ..and shortly after heard that she will soon also be temporarily displaced to my current one. This was followed by watching an episode of a comedy some years old where everyone has to stay indoors as outside has suddenly become an invisibly dangerous place to be, and this morning, searching for just the right fabric on the internet (a hobby that takes up far more time than actual sewing these days), I lamented the fact that recording The Great British Sewing Bee may be a casualty of social distancing rules...and a few minutes later realised filming and post production were done and it had actually started on TV!

I give thanks for cooler cloudier weather again today as I felt right poorly last night and have been in gentle recovery today. As the outside has become suddenly invisibly dangerous it's much easier to resist if it doesn't look irresistible! For snoozing on the sofa, easy things to eat, and taking it easy with the creative pursuits that my spirits so enjoy but make my hands so painful.

Careful

My buzzer rang at quarter to eight this morning and it was someone with a government food parcel for me. I'm so grateful for what's meant to be a helpful service, but it's a shame it seems to be automatic and you can't opt out to save a wasted visit. I give thanks the delivery chap didn't seem surprised or perturbed, and seemed to enjoy the extra time for a fag break by his van!  You can tick a box to say you're on a special diet and I'd hoped this would stop me getting brought the standard deal of tinned soup and beans, potatoes and other items I'd be better off not eating, or at least being contacted first but clearly not. Oh well, it made me give thanks for my entryphone anyway! And for still having plenty of groceries in stock that I can use...

I give thanks for some sense of communication with the staff keeping me alive today, including making one of them laugh which is one of the few things I can do to return the favour. Also for realising the nurse who looked like someone from my former unit (as far as I could tell with the mask!) actually was the one. She suffers from asthma so has been sent to the 'clean area' and advised a couple of others from that team would be joining us in exile which sounds like good news to me, though we both agreed we would far rather the crisis was over and we could return to the place we prefer.

I give thanks for getting through another week, still in reasonable health and spirits. For preparing  my tea last night/this morning ready to pop in the oven soon. For the thought of the rest of the weekend ahead of me...

Cheery

I give thanks for wavy leaves - those stand-out-from-the-crowd ones that, due to perhaps to the way they're attached to the twig, flutter in breezes that leave their companions unmoved.

For trying Tesco's own brand 'cheerios'. Apart from home made granola I've not had cereals for years as my favourites are all disallowed, but I found myself fancying a multi-grain hoop and at a pound a box who can complain? For the delicious alternatives so readily available now so I don't eat into my allowance of dairy.

For the lack of coach loads of day trippers milling around outside, so I can watch crowds of midges and the railway men performing tractor, truck and trailer manoeuvres in the empty pull in outside.

For breaking the rules and going for a bit of a stroll in the gloriously warm sunshine - I even had my arms out! Usually I'm self conscious about this as my fistula looks so gross, so I'm grateful I was so bowled over by simply being warm enough (which is rare for me in August let alone April!) I completely forgot to be embarrassed. I give thanks there were a few people around but everyone keeping their distance and most smiling or saying friendly hellos as they passed. For the tiny,very socially close fish flowing in shoals in the brook

Chirpy

I give thanks for coming home to five packages to open today! For the various bods in the delivery chain for making this possible, and also whichever neighbourly bod let them in the communal door. Amongst the treasures was a long sleeve t shirt with loose enough sleeves to roll up for treatment (been trying to find one for a year), an absolutely fabulous looking bar of chocolate from Bob which I will treat myself to very very slowly, and half a metre of this fabric which a little bird tells me will not only co-ordinate most pleasingly with the wallpaper that one day may grace some of the spare room walls, but will look fab as a cushion cover in the meantime...

I give thanks things have progressed so much in there I can use my sewing machine again. For having a sewing machine, and still knowing how to use it despite the fact my creative urges often outstrip my ability to perform...

I give thanks for not feeling any worse physically than I did yesterday, and in slightly better spirits, so that I'm (slightly) more inclined to push myself to do more than lie on the sofa. For a remarkably efficient and fortunate day on the unit so no tiresome waiting around, and for the lovely light evening to enjoy even from indoors. For the scenery on the 'non scenic' route I've not been on since Friday, and seeing how much the greenery has come on. For the way some local businesses are using the time they are closed for revamps and refits of their premises. For leftovers ready to be heated up for my tea!

À la carte

I've been without much get up and go today so I give thanks I'm not supposed to! For my bed and bath and sofa, and for dabbing a bit of paint on a chair before deciding that was far too energetic for today! For one revamped bedside table complete however with a larger top than originally and a crocheted doyley for my bedside cup of tea.

For Paracetamol being available again as I've been in a lot of pain. For naps.

For the entertainment of watching traffic stopped for a vehicle so long it couldn't negotiate the corners and had to come the wrong direction along a one way street to drop off a large crane by the station.

For a kind mother duck bringing her bobbing babies downstream so I could watch them from my window too...

For trying to start solving the treatment conundrum. My immunotherapy is due a week on Friday but I'm booked to be half way across the county for dialysis at the same time and as the two departments do not communicate, let alone co-ordinate, I've been ringing around various homeworking members of staff asking for assistance in coming up with a workable plan. We're working on it, haha!

Picky

I give thanks for recovering from the shock of waking this morning to discover my hospital trip was a dream and today wasn't a day off!

I give thanks that after resigning myself to having to have a back troubling bed for treatment rather than a chair (as furniture can no longer be moved), they swapped it 'just this once'. For politely asking if it could be noted that my worn and torn spine would really prefer the more supportive option if it can be arranged...

For Facebook posted photos of local visual delights. To be honest pictures of further afield make me worry I might never get there, and though I know I might never get to walk in countryside again or even to the top of the brook, I give thanks for some remaining faith I might.

I give thanks for the visual delights I've been able to enjoy first hand today. It's hard to take a journey round here and not see something stunning, but when this morning's driver asked if I'd like to go via the coast road I was very grateful indeed...and then this evening's chap was the one who likes to go on the wiggly windy lanes so it feels as if my eyes (and soul) have had a good bathe in beautiful scenery. For all the bluebells and blossom - including some wisteria peeping over a wall - the glimpse of the Tors and the white wave tops rolling in to shore. For spotting one of the railway workers' pick up trucks delivering not building supplies this time but sandwiches and squash!

Alternative

I give thanks for tasty homemade chocolate nut cookies, free from...wait for it...both chocolate and nuts! For thinking to experiment with toasted barley flakes, artificial flavouring and brown food colouring and not only thinking but doing it too...

For being able to spot, despite myopia, an interesting shape on the water and after fetching my spectacles discovering it was the boat arriving to collect some wall building kit from the sea shore. I'm not sure if it's due to spending my early childhood on a small island but it gives me great pleasure watching water craft arrive. For living somewhere where I didn't have to break lockdown rules for his!

For equally legitimately being able to get some shopping for Mima for a change by adding a couple of items she'd not been able to find locally to my recent Tesco order. I wouldn't have imagined in my house/hospital bound state I'd be able to do anything useful for anyone else so it was a real boost to my none too bouncy morale to be able to help. For her bringing fresh flowers and lettuce from the greengrocers in exchange...plus my finally released prescription.

For staying awake for some of the guided meditation session. The facilitator, bless her heart, was extolling the virtues of bare feet on the ground which I agree is wonderfully energising but a tad difficult to arrange right now! I give thanks for a blissful memory of walking barefoot through dewy grass on a Welsh hillside whilst picking sweet bilberries.

Minute

Well, I don't know what it's been like where you are but I've been grateful here for some good weather for not minding staying indoors. For the still murkiness after the rain cleared...especially the mist hanging on the hillside. For being able to see a hillside!

I give thanks for getting a few domestic chores done, and also applying myself to the task of practising relaxing. I've been working as hard as my battered body can go to progress the nestbuilding to a stage where I can nestle, and it's so nice to be mostly there.

For getting edgy with my new jigsaw while chortling away at an old episode of Just A Minute. For a long bath with a book in the afternoon which always seems so deliciously decadent to me. For Jamie's lockdown cookery programmes not just for the recipe ideas but the glimpses of family life. Not being something I've experienced first hand seeing dads interacting with their kids gives me a warm and fuzzy smile inside...

For assorted tiny treasures emerging from the various nooks in which they were stashed, and having a miniature shelf to put them on!

For my Tesco order arriving complete with good grace and the essential (to me) items of a bowl that co-ordinates beautifully with my other tableware, organic brown bread and some posh own brand Earl Grey. I give thanks for knowing I'm a bit of a food snob, and also how blessed I am to have the opportunity.

Super

I give thanks for waking up to someone bringing me a cup of tea. This was this during my dialysis nap, which is not quite the same as first thing to start the day but very welcome nonetheless.

First thing to start the day I took my earplugs out and couldn't work out what the noise was I could suddenly hear, I give thanks for the sound of heavy rain, the moisture for the new foliage and the freshness in the air.

I give thanks for A Walk in the Woods vicariously via Bill Bryson's book of the same name. There was a two hour wait between arriving in the unit and my treatment starting so I'm very grateful I had it with me. For being attended to by a pleasant member of staff with whom I could have an intelligent conversation. Also for the bit when I didn't have to talk to anyone at all!

I give thanks not only have Tesco recognised my special delivery needs, but Sainsbury's have too. As I'm not even registered as an online shopper with the latter I was rather impressed (they have my email address as it's designated my 'home' Nectar store). For Julie picking up an online order from Boots for me. It was a shame she didn't realise you have to turn them upside down and shake them to leave with prescribed medication, but at least after she left they sent a text to say it was ready for collection so they can't pull the 'nothing here' excuse next time someone can go in for me!

I give thanks for being home for the weekend. Honestly folks you have no idea!

Free

I give thanks for doing well with the to do list today. It contained items like 'Stay in bed late' 'Do unimportant internet window shopping' and 'Watch mildly amusing TV'... For also making progress with the reorganising of my spare room which is a a light and warm space with pretty views so I'm grateful it's becoming usable again. It contains both DIY and (enough) craft supplies (for a small shop) as well as all manner of other possessions some of which I believe to be beautiful, some I know to be useful... and others that simply have, despite many moves and not much of a hoarding instinct stayed with me. Today I discovered a notebook with some journal entries from a budget wander down the Spanish coast I took with my son 31 years ago! How lovely to remember feeling so free...

I give thanks for cotton sheets and cosy quilts. For running water, electricity and all the appliances that use them and make our chores less of a chore. For the peacefulness that comes from the air conditioning not running at the businesses downstairs...plus the silenced rides and machines. Lockdown has some benefits

Critical

I give thanks about a third of way to the hospital today I managed to squeak into the conversation 'Do you mind if I listen to my music?' and the driver replied 'Not at all!' I was so grateful for a soothing break from his catalogue of criticisms and refusal to accept my noncommittal noises as replies, and to be fair he was probably relieved not to have to listen to my quite contradictory (and clearly, to his mind, probably utterly incomprehensible) views. As I explained when he kept pressing me to condemn the other road users as flouting the lockdown rules, I try to accept I don't know the reasons why people behave the way they do, and to not apportion blame on the basis of assumptions. This particular chap for instance might be normally a warm and compassionate soul, but out of fear, a misplaced sense of his own perfection or a need to create a guilty 'them' and a bonded 'us' finds fault with other groups of humanity. I give thanks for resisting the urge to type 'Yeah, right!' after that...

I give thanks for persuading him to drop me off at the entrance to the business park so I got a couple of minutes fresh air and exercise - the better to take a deep breath before my next tricky encounter! For resolving to send some healing energy to the troubled souls who have not yet learned to practice gratitude. I can see in current times that might lead them to go overboard with grumpiness instead and that's not going to do anyone any good.

I give thanks Tesco has finally recognised my need for priority delivery slots. I was offered one this Friday at an unspecified time between 2 and 10pm which of course I couldn't accept as I'll be at hospital for an unspecified part of that, but it's progress. I also, of course, give thanks that apart from perishables I have plenty of groceries until the one I managed to grab last week comes around in a couple of weeks.

I give thanks for a nice little nap during my treatment, for more of Morgan Freeman's interesting exploration of religion on Netflix and laughing out loud during The Good Place, a non-grumbly chat with the nurse who took me off the machine and the celebrity cancer bake off thing. Some very amusing contestants this week!

Gated

Mmm, I give thanks for my siesta - just what was required after a troubled night and a more active day than was originally planned. I give thanks for a more active day than was originally planned - nothing like planning nothing for making me bustle about! For some rather boring but satisfying cleaning done, and a little more reshuffling and reorganising in the spare room to make it usable as a pleasant if only partly decorated room again.

I give thanks for Mima asking if I'd like her to look for anything while scouting for groceries today so I now have carrots for my tea woohoo and bread for my sarnies tomorrow. For her bringing me some flapjack bites as a consolation for the teabags I wanted not being anywhere she looked. For appreciating the irony of there being some on the Tesco site that doesn't have any delivery slots...and for now having the priority access phone number to try though I haven't done as yet. For feeling the sun on my skin as I waited by the gate...but only on the skin of my face as there's a nippy old breeze again.

Blue

I was full of gloomy dread this morning, and full of doziness too, preferring the idea of a day on the sofa with crochet and TV rather than another treatment challenge. So I give thanks for being back on the sofa with remote control on one side and a growing doyley on the other...and for having had a much better day than anticipated!

I give thanks for spotting how much the green has been growing too after a weekend not travelling that way. And for a few bluebells by the roadside brightening up my mood. I don't care if they're those foreign invaders - they're the only ones I'll see!

I give thanks for the reminder how much easier it is to be nice to people when they are nice to you...and that there are pleasant staff at that unit. For a snory snooze in a side room with a bit of a view of a tree
For finding out about God with Morgan Freeman. For the driver who brought me home choosing narrow country lanes that I'd never been on before, before joining up with the coast road. What a feast for my eyes...and boost for my spirits...

For coming home to the fabulous view of white topped waves chasing into the shore in the stiff breeze. For calling a local locally owned supermarket about their deliveries and it all sounding very promising on the carrot front when I can think of a few other bits I want. Lovely friendly people at that shop too...

Adored

I give thanks for the peacefulness here today - no DIY noises from my industrious neighbour, no milling traffic or tourists which there normally would be on a sunny Easter Sunday in a popular seaside town. For me this is definitely a bonus of the current stare of affairs...

I give thanks my own personal DIY agenda is in the more playful phase as all the bigger jobs within my capabilities have been done. For eking out the blue paint to finish the bedside table frames and for the finally pretty inside of my bedroom door.

I give thanks for Tesco having the aforementioned daffodils in stock. I give thanks for my rather spectacular houseplants every single day, but blooms are extra special especially when parks and gardens are out of bounds. They're not essential I'm sure you'd say, but a huge happiness boost for a person in a number of difficult situations all at once. Flowers in the house always make me feel cherished even if it's me cherishing myself!

Somehow, however, I managed to miss carrots off my order which will exercise my culinary ingenuity this week as they are the most versatile of renally friendly veg, but I give thanks my experimental adzuki bean roast was OK without. Oh and that I've finally got Yorkshires sussed. After years of barely edible attempts I've discovered you can get fifteen frozen ones for 50p and they are astonishingly good for the price! We all have our talents, and I give thanks my lack of skill with baked batter is offset by my prowess at Bramley and blueberry Eve's pudding!

Potty

The roads were the quietest I've ever seen them last night, I give thanks folks were staying at home. My mind wasn't quiet which is how I knew but I gave thanks for a nice slice of buttered toast as I gazed out of at the emptiness. Some of the people I'm having to interact with are really causing me some stress at the moment and I give thanks for understanding I have to try to understand what's going on to have any chance of surviving long enough to get away from them. This is what I came up with...

1) Humans commonly assume if they have some specific knowledge or skill set that those who don't are intellectually inferior. This is why we think people who don't use the spelling or grammar we grew up with are stupid...and talk loudly and slowly (in English) to non-English speakers.

2) In certain settings, eg clinical, treating all service users as if they were slow on the uptake (and possibly deaf) can increase the chances of positive outcomes if they are. This also ties in with a neurological quirk that makes us think we are 'better' than those who are poorer, sicker, more disabled etc. The brain figures if we were equal everyone would be at risk of being in the same situation, which no one wants to believe!

3) There will always be a sub-section of the population who conflate responsibility with innate superiority and infallibility eg Divine Right of Kings, police officers going overboard with coronavirus rules)

4) There will also always be folk who, perhaps due to some lack in their own sense of self worth, have a need to belittle, patronise, put down, 'correct' etc...especially if they fear the other party might be capable of doing the same to them...and 5) sometimes all of the above happens at once!

OK... So that was 'them' comprehended successfully, but I have as yet failed to come up with a reason why it bugs me so much to be talked down to and/or not listened to... apart from the fact it wounds my pride. However there is the fact that we are all under a lot of stress at the moment and all our buttons are pressed more easily. Also the tricky specifics that mean my life is in these people's hands - sometimes literally - so there's an inbuilt imbalance of power which makes me feel more vulnerable and impotent. I'll just have to ramp up the compassion - to all parties concerned!

I give thanks for a lot of Netflix last night! For The Innocent Man reminding me it could be much harder - I don't have to see these people every or even all day, and mostly my incarceration is in a rather pleasant cell. And I Am Not OK With This pointing out there are worse things than controlling your frustration!

I give thanks for pottering around gently today. For coaxing some teal chalk paint out of an almost dried up tub to work on my bedside table frames. For repotting some rather grateful plants. For cleaning one window and for looking out of another to see a man run for and catch a bus. The driver must have been astonished - it's only the second time I've seen a passenger over the last couple of weeks. For a lot of lolling about...

Sheepish

I give thanks for chuckling to myself on the way home from the unit this evening. It just popped into my head that the prisoner who is chained and guarded during his treatment probably started dialysis as a few man but became so exasperated with the belittling staff he committed a serious assault! This is just my sense of humour - I know it isn't true - but I gave thanks for my sense of humour at the end of a rather trying day. And also for Imee Ooi in my ears as defence against the chat of volunteer driver who says things like 'What a lovely day. What a shame you're going to be stuck inside' or 'It's a pity you can't go for a walk. It'd be nice to have a stroll along the sea front there'. I give thanks for reminding myself it's my own fault I struggle with the (lack of) communication in my current hospital days, and for resolving to try to learn to be more sheep and make the mindless bleating responses required of me. Just after that we passed a field of blissfully oblivious sheep and I give thanks for that making me smile as well...

I give thanks for Julie arriving with my shopping not long after I got home so we could share a rant or two. For Tesco having almost everything I asked for including daffodils...though sadly not the vegan Easter egg I'd asked for for her! I give thanks for the highs and lows of the tides at the moment. I could see rocks I've not seen for ages when it dropped yesterday (and won't see again when the sea wall extends a bit further) plus this morning the estuary seemed so full and blue it looked more like a lake. I give thanks it's the weekend. Anything that's not Monday, Wednesday or Friday is fine by me!

Occupied

What a glorious day it's been again. I give thanks for everyone who has had a chance to enjoy it in some way. Personally, apart from a few minutes waiting by the bins for Clive to deliver my eggs and parcel I've only been able to see outside from indoors, but I give thanks for that particular hazy blueness to the light we get on still warm days at the start and end of summer. Also for it being warm enough for me to be comfortable without loads of cumbersome layers, so rare for so many months of the year and so very relaxing and welcome.

I give thanks for a leisurely start to proceedings, but after a surprisingly invigorating shower (I think someone in a neighbouring flat may have their washing machine on!) for eventually getting going with some of the many tasks I always have on my mental to do list. For being pleasantly fatigued now they are mostly done, with a resolve not to be to perturbed about the ones still unfinished or not yet started at all. I am so grateful I have so many ways to keep occupied, including peacefully doing nothing at all, and don't suffer from the boredom some people are struggling with now - at least not on non-treatment days!

I give thanks most of what I wished to click seemed collectable from the local Tesco store, but for being prepared that shoppers allowed to shop in person may buy these items before the picker sets them aside for me. They've already whisked away the paracetamol and the own brand Earl Grey tea, so I give thanks for getting used to managing on short rations of both of these.

Eclectic

My inner adolescent male is very grateful for the range of vehicles and plant the rail wall team are still putting through their paces nearby. The most monstrous trucks are mostly used at night - probably so the multicoloured flashing lights and grunty engines can be properly appreciated I think don't you? Certainly I can't see why else they have to be driven around the crazy golf traffic island quite as much as they do, but I love to watch them especially obediently paused at the lights when the roads are otherwise empty. Last night there was a squeal of metal and calls of 'Woah!', when the chap steering his trailer load of a top section piece didn't keep any social distance from a lamp post at all, so I enjoyed watching all the kerfuffle with that...and also the luscious moon!

When ready for bed I gave thanks for making myself stay awake to join the post midnight rush for a Tesco slot as the new day's (three weeks away) became available. For bagging one and getting enough in my basket to check out. Sometime I might try to persuade them I should be prioritised but their phone lines are so busy, and email system completely removed, so in the mean time this is something sussing out how to work the system is something to very grateful for.

I give thanks for the sun coming out just as the taxi arrived at the business park and having the bright idea of asking to be dropped off at the entrance so I could have a few minutes stroll down to the unit. Such a luxury to be able a walk a short way outside and, deserted except for people heading to and from the same place in cars and ambulances, it was rather pleasant to take in the trees and shrubs and the little brook left behind when they destroyed a beauty spot to build it. Oh and for spotting these late daffs and crocuses too!

There was a long wait to be called for treatment and when it was finally my turn I had to be sent away again as I'd not been allocated a side room, so I was very grateful for thinking to ask if I could spend the time outside with my lunch and enjoy the fresh air and very warm sunshine some more..

After a long day I give thanks for how lovely it is to be home, sitting at my window with a Rooibosch watching the still sea turn its beautiful pearly sunny evening colour.

Essential

It's interesting, in these times of looking out and looking inward, to ponder on the subjectivity of what constitutes 'essential'. I give thanks for glimpses of how people I know perceive it, and how the concept is applied in other parts of the world.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.businessinsider.com/what-is-an-essential-business-varies-countries-borders-coronavirus-lockdown-2020-3%3famp

Essentially (see what I did there?) it comes down to the individual mind - including that of the police officer who may disagree with you regarding the nature of your errand - and I give thanks there are folk who are still permitted to run some errands, especially as I am not and occasionally they can be persuaded to run them for me! I give thanks for Rachel bringing me a selection of beans and pulses, rice and quinoa, onions, garlic etc from her own personal store and the healthfood focussed one across the road. These, to a mostly vegetarian who has to go easy on dairy and pre-made foods, would seem to be pretty essential indeed, and as there are less and less people available to ask for help with supplies I'm most grateful she volunteered. We all have our limits and comfort zones and I give thanks for being understanding when she declined to pick up a package for me (of more essential items, honest guv!) at a local shop...but also for someone else saying they will next time they come this way.

I give thanks for unpacking some books that arrived from Waterstones last week - having finally decided it was safe to. Hand held escapism seems pretty vital to me! And also for remembering to use (and finding) my last poetry prize gift card that has been hanging around a while...

I give thanks for spotting the older gentleman who likes to wear a short skirt and ankle socks sporting a pink shoulder bag I've not seen before today, and for his legs not looking so cold...

Ironic

I give thanks for appreciating the universe's irony regarding the yoga session. It was via a Facebook link and Facebook kept going down down here beforehand. I give thanks for optimistically preparing my bedroom anyway with dim light, candles, cushions etc and for intermittently enjoying the introductory instructions in between fiddling with my phone and tablet trying to get them back. There were some affirmations to say to yourself, including one about getting whatever you needed from the session. Lost the connection completely not long after that, so gave thanks for deciding maybe I didn't need a lot just then and just enjoying savasana a while...before getting up and making some veggie stew for today's tea.

I give thanks for waking up feeling well and energetic and doing some jobs I would have done yesterday if I'd not felt weak and ill. For getting a shift on so I could be downstairs early to have a few minutes in the sun...and trying not to be cross when the driver rang to say he was a few minutes away much earlier than I thought. For the lovely Ronda who books us in arriving at the unit at the same time as me and directing me to a gloriously sunny and sheltered bench on the other side of the building...and my first chance this year to soak up some much appreciated warming rays.


I give thanks for dressing in lots of layers as we can't take our own blankets now and the temperature varies so much inside the building. This time I was in an extraordinarily cosy room and didn't even need my cardigan and scarf, but it was a treat not to be bundled up and still deeply chilled. It was a long old day with lots of waiting and malfunctions of body and machine, and I give thanks when my blood pressure suddenly dropped for the reminder you never know when your time is up. It always feels as if the end is very near when that happens...

I give thanks for a few more minutes fresh air before my transport home arrived. For the rare treat of a driver with a similar sense of humour - sharing laughter really perked me up. For the increasing peacefulness now I'm here...and the ghost buses advertising A Quiet Place and The Invisible Man. Oh and I just remembered that stew!

Timely

I give thanks for a pretty good drying day even for laundry on lockdown indoors! For waking up at three am realising there was going to be far more washing than I thought - which isn't fun, but preferable to waking up at seven with a whole load more (literally). For trying to be productive and, though mainly producing groans and mess, getting a little bit of painting done so I could enjoy the feeling that things are moving on. For a long bath, and a short nap...and not giving in to the great urge to have a long nap after that! For the joy of two minutes fresh warm air on my face when I took the rubbish down.

I give thanks for simple but tasty food, from my currently well stocked stores. For Clive finding out the egg farm is still open and putting in an order. For Jan treating me to an online guided yoga meditation...even though she knows I will, like her, probably fall asleep!

Cansada

It was hard enough to get from my bed to the sofa this morning so I give thanks for being banned from going out! For being able to get up for a chamomile tea in the sleepless part of the night without disturbing anyone. For bright sunshine after a murky start gradually warming me up indoors. For not having anyone needing me, or needling me for lolling about.

For Mima delivering my groceries, including lots of fruit and veg...and for washing it all feeling like some exercise on a feeble day! For Jan reminding me it's fine to take it easy, and for realising since I started dialysis I feel as if I ought to be busy at the weekend as I 'waste' so much time in the week. It's always interesting when you can observe the way your thoughts unfold.

I give thanks for a couple of hours of relative liveliness later in the afternoon and getting a few useful things done. For being back on the sofa now with homemade soup ready for my supper...if I can stay awake that long!

Topping

I give thanks for the softening tips on all but the barest trees. For a different side room today where I could see the spring green of saplings as long as I was upright. For levelling out from upright sorting out a blood pressure drop. The room was cosier too, which I was grateful for, and also for (presumably) milder weather on the way as from Monday all our snuggly coverings from home are banned as an infection risk. Hospital 'blankets' will still be available of course but they are weighty rather than warm so it's going to be tough for less insulated bodies like mine...

I give thanks for Mima taking my top up shopping list to Sainsbury's to see what she could find. Also for Rachel offering to bring dry goods etc from the wonderful shop across the street from her place.
These are especially appreciated as a couple of other potential personal shoppers are no longer able to assist, and though Julie is collecting a clicked order from Tesco next Friday, after that there are no slots to be had.

I've not had any other drivers offer to transport me via the coast road yet, so I give thanks for the beauty of the inland route along which the moor tops can sometimes be glimpsed, along with the river and estuary. For the abundance of hawthorn blossom this year.

For the silly but funny Blades of Glory making me laugh out loud last night, and being able to recommend it to Jan who was in need of some humour too.

Helpless

I give thanks for not being totally reliant on others, but having less help now also makes me very grateful for the assistance I had before! For more or less keeping on top of the cleaning chores despite there being more of them these days and less hands to do them...and for managing a few other jobs I'd normally have asked someone else to do. An added bonus of this is I seem to often be either too busy or too tired to be bored, and this afternoon I was grateful it was mostly the latter so I could lounge around on the sofa a while and catch up on some rest after another broken night.

I give thanks for also tackling the mental task of letting go of wanting projects completed that just can't be done right now. Accepting the lack of control is a work in progress in itself, ha ha! For coming home last night to find a bottle of bleach on my doorstep left for me by Clive as he'd not been able to find any when I asked him to look last week. For finally getting the bottle open after too many attempts to tally! For being ahead of myself on cooking...though that does mean I'm behind on washing up! For this week's Celebrity SU2C Bake Off cracking me up. Nice to have a proper laugh...

Unorthodox

I give thanks for white horse manes blowing in the wind on the wave tops this morning. For also looking out of the window just before I went to wait for my transport and seeing one of the boats approaching that ferry the rail workers' plant to and fro. For deciding it would be OK to break the rules and walk down the pavement a few metres to watch for a short while instead of standing still.

For a nice to talk to driver today - a fellow introvert also appreciating our special skills at this time. For a silent one on the way home so I could concentrate on the world outside more easily. For the red earth of a ploughed field and some rainbows in the windows.

For an OK time on treatment, and the bizarre coincidence of being put on the machine by an old neighbour of mine - but not the patient who always wanted to give me a lift! For seeing a couple of other staff I know from elsewhere, as it always makes you feel more comfortable to see a familiar face.

For managing to eke out my packed lunch to last through various delays which made for a rather long day. For one resulting in me having to change rooms just when we were all set up, as this meant I was not so cold. For one of the prison officers chained to the patient in the room I vacated kindly handing me my coat which got left behind!

Most of all though, I give thanks for the superb Orthodox on Netflix for taking over my concentration and taking me somewhere else entirely for chunks of the last few sessions. Particularly interesting if you're interested in belief and ritual I guess, but a poignant true story anyway, plus wonderful music too!

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2020/03/31/arts/television/unorthodox-writer-deborah-feldman-netflix.amp.html