Alarming

I give thanks for being home on my sofa, coat still on and hugging a hot water bottle until the place heats up. For having made some food over the weekend that just needs heating up too. For the hours I have off until another afternoon at the unit tomorrow, during which I hope my argumentative fistula will settle down a bit so the machine will make less of a racket and treatment will be more successful than it was today. For not having Wednesday's surgery cancelled yet...and for having a hiccup about Tuesday's scheduling resolved (probably)

I give thanks for streaming and recorded TV as I'm in zombie mode and there's nothing on terrestrial this evening that appeals. For remembering there's remains of a sort of pudding too when I can be bothered to move again...For setting my alarm for 6.00 in the morning again, to make even earlier the day after (slightly) less of a nasty surprise

Out

I give thanks for feeling less weak today, though easily weakened when I forgot to do that infuriating 'pacing' myself. For bright weather, and for being bright enough this morning to plan a takeaway cuppa on a seat in the park, though by the time I'd completed the various necessary tasks to be ready to get there I was too weary to bother, and there were far too many people about anyway. I give thanks for the tide being also out however, and a patch of sun-dried sand at the base of the sea wall to sink on to and enjoy the sights for a few minutes while summoning the energy to return for a cuppa on the sofa instead. How grateful I am the sea is the proverbial 'short flat walk' from my door!

I give thanks for starting to create some food for a couple of next week's post hospital teas, and for a nice Thai rice pot instead of trying to make something for today too. For finally realising (after how many years?) that you can can cook beans in a slow cooker instead of forgetting about them on the hob and burning them as I usually do!

I give thanks for the pretty sunset and for my Tesco delivery being complete - except for the books! For having other books as yet unread. For my Insight Timer subscription being half price again this year. 

Decisive

So today's been mostly about carefully taking care of my rather delicate self. For those of you who don't have multiple morbidities, or who do but live with helpful partners, this involves weighing up the pros and cons of each small action. Would I feel better if I made a cup of tea and some toast. ..or better if I just stayed curled up under this quilt instead? Would it be better to do a little bit of washing up now...or have a whole load more waiting for later. That kind of thing... I give thanks for plenty of practice over the years at making these kind of weighty decisions, and for understanding washing up mysteriously gathers whether I make that tea and toast or not! 

The drug seems to affect my brain as well as my T-cells, so that it's been as murky inside my head as it looks to have been outdoors, and I give thanks for this meaning I don't really notice how meaninglessly the hours have been drifting by, nor feel I'm missing out on much. For managing to stay upright (though sedentary) to fiddle with my mosaic for a short while and for a new idea for a design I'd like to try when I can stick at it a bit longer. 

I give thanks for having my new skin cream to try and, though it's too soon to tell if it will be a success, at least it's not made matters worse. I give thanks for Mr Tesco is due tomorrow. Don't need a lot of groceries this week so I'm grateful to make up the minimum no surcharge order he is also bringing books! 

Needled

I don't mind when people can't fix me, as long as they listen and try, so I was very grateful when the doctor I saw yesterday called this morning with an action plan from dermatology. And then the vascular access team called with the latest update on my surgery booking, which sounds a good one. Fingers crossed!

For an OK dialysis session, nurse getting the needles in without difficulty and the machine not arguing all afternoon though my blood pressure had a bit of an argue and someone set off in another part of the building a very noisy alarm that rang in ours for ages and set everyone's head ringing too. I give thanks though another patient had some music channel playing way too loud, I did enjoy 2Unlimited Get Ready For This - as usual! Also for How to Sell Drugs Online (Fast) which is my latest Netflix treatment treat. 

I give thanks for my nice local taxi driver being up for picking me up after treatment two, and managing to organise a well timed taxi to take me between the hospitals in the gap between appointments. For the chemo ward running to schedule which is unusual at that time of day, and cannula in first time no messing.  I give thanks for the weekend. I'm ready for that! 

Ruffled

Wow another beautiful winter's day! I give thanks for being able to appreciate some of the scenic sights of it, particularly on an unscheduled train journey into the city to have my skin inspected after phone triage. The fine mist made the golden countryside and silver of the almost empty estuary even more spectacular. I give thanks for the optimism with which I set out... and for my patience when most of the day was spent waiting with no conclusions reached. The bit with the private room with a comfy chair was my favourite - I even had tea and toast made for me! I was even more grateful when my visit was finally concluded though, and for the pretty ride home with water coloured skies turning to sunset marble reflected in the high tide and a rather ruffled looking heron waiting for a cold fish supper! I give thanks for living in such an eye candy county...

I give thanks for being polite and understanding when I got home to discover next week's op is cancelled...and merely shaking my head in disbelief when, after popping to the Co op for post Pembro wiped out weekend supplies, there was another message saying they were making a new list and the surgery might be back on after all, but they wouldn't be able to confirm until Monday. For some leftovers to heat up for my own early tea and for some old QIs to cheer me up with fascinating facts and quick fire humour. There were so many things I planned to do today but methinks some flopping on the sofa might be most of happens now for the rest of the day. I give thanks that none of it matters.

Consumed

Seeming to be extra hungry at the moment, I give thanks for packing my lunch box extra full as there's no getting up to get snacks when you're on the machine. I'd have been even more grateful if I'd remembered to put the lunch box in my bag of course! It had already been a day of some tooth gritting and grinding by the time I unpacked my bits ready to start the afternoon so I was extra grateful for popcorn and custard creams that hadn't fitted in with the sandwiches, fruit and sausage rolls. Oh and that I already made spicy lentil soup yesterday to eat tonight, and managed not to burn it or my mouth too badly hurrying to consume it.

It's been a beautiful day weather wise and I give thanks for the part I got to appreciate. For a silver stripe of sunshine on the green grey sea. The wagtail chirping below my window. Winter blue skies and cloud banks that looked like mountain ranges looming behind low hills

For passing the two lanes called Above way and Higher Above Way which I always forget to mention, and which always make me smile. For being the first with the news to the ward clerk that my surgery had been changed again, and then her checking and being first to tell me it had been changed once more since yesterday afternoon. For Annie Nightingale's Punk and New Wave memories to help take my mind off the itching burning lumps and holes in my skin which continue to grow and multiply, but which so far seem to be of no interest to anyone else but me. I give thanks I'm due for pre-Pembro phone triage early tomorrow. I've always been asked about my skin so here's hoping this time I am and the doctor actually listens...because I've looked on line (Oh god I wish I hadn't) and this is a classic case of a known effect of the drug on the immune system, which could go away with the right response and will only get worse without. 

Drifting

Well that was a nice day out of the office! Though as soon as I wrote that the phone rang with another change of fistula surgery plan. This time we're going back to the one we first thought of, on the second day they decided but at a different time! I give thanks I only have my own small life to reschedule over and over again, those poor admin staff who have to sort all the associated arrangements, plus possibly disgruntled patients, must be finding life extra stressful these days. I'm also very grateful I'm in charge of my own transport now and have a helpful taxi driver to deal with not an exasperated ward clerk! 

I give thanks for following my heart while the sun shone earlier and making a short, not strictly essential, journey to somewhere where there was more space for people locked out of most shops to mill around with takeaway coffees and teas. For the breathtaking views of the cruise liners from the top of the bus and hill, and a seat to myself overlooking the end of the beach to eat vegan pizza and be visited by a crow. For the drifts of oak leaves on the sand. For running into the delightful Mr Haines, a spot of solitary shopping in the proper job fruit and veg shop where you can buy a solitary potato should you choose (and if you're a renal patient you surely should!) and an unexpectedly yummy late lunch in a bag from a baker's that I don't normally rate very highly but happened to be passing. I really enjoyed my brief change of scene and give thanks unexpected changes of plans next week made it turn out a timely time to do it. 

Teeming

Well that wasn't a particularly hard day, but it did seem very long - I give thanks for being home and the heaters gradually warming me up as a simple supper cooks. I started out quite cosily dressed today, having been warned I'd be on the open ward again, but was back in the baking internal side room so had to strip a layer off! For cheery staff and taxi driver...always a bonus. 

For the unexpected sunshine today revealing beautiful colours in the wintery landscape as I travelled into the city by train...including some blooms on the creeping cliff plant that begins 'mesambry' and I can neither spell nor say! For the sight of the teeming hoards enjoying accessible nearby beauty spots reminding me not to access them (sigh). 

For doing the decent thing and allowing myself to be interviewed by some medical students on Teams, which my lovely renal consultant had asked me to do and which seemed only reasonable (much as I hate that kind of thing) as the dear woman does her best to make keeping me alive as pleasant as it can be. 

Final

Phew! A lot I wanted to do today, so I'm grateful for most of the active stuff done and finally being on the sofa attending to the ATP Finals. For the lack of the normally rather rowdy crowd! 

I give thanks so many people seemed to be enjoying being out and about here on the murky drizzly day, though I do rather wish lockdown was more noticeably locked up! For my own quick scuttle to buy a rail ticket taking in some engineering sights. For good earplugs to take away some of the engineering sounds over night... 

Um...what else? For how much cosier it is in my living room this winter due to the new better fitting window plus the big electric radiator on the wall, which came with the flat but was surplus to requirements in the smaller warmer spare room. For the weekend not being quite over yet...

Comprehensive

I've been feeling grateful quite a lot today - and without even taking my stronger pain meds! To wake up with a roof over your head, a cosy quilt over your body, food in the cupboards and your time to do with more or less what you will, is to be very blessed. To feel relatively healthy, (especially when you're not!) is such a bonus too! 

I give thanks for deciding despite my skin eruptions driving me bonkers not to try to get someone to see me today - I couldn't face trekking into the city again for a long wait and dismissive attention from oncology. I'm grateful for all the life saving and prolonging work they do with cancer itself, of course, but side effects and associated issues don't seem to get the attention they deserve. This is the department that neglected to recognise left side paralysis and speech problems as a stroke, remember...so I'm grateful for also understanding I might be a little bit biased.

I give thanks for a pleasing mix of activity and idleness instead. For solitude and spontaneity. For a walk to some rewarding altitude - via hedgerows with mushrooms and cyclamen - and for someone restoring the benches at the top! For Where the Crawdads Sing - a beautiful book with an unusually comprehensible heroine...and for rustling up a spicy rhubarb crumble. 

Pumped

Well, there's one thing we can be certain of right now, and that's uncertainty! I give thanks for the heads up on Wednesday that we must be prepared for sudden treatment changes and that today's - dialysis in one of the bays, not a side room - was preferable to a different unit despite the sights and sounds that assailed me! 

For glimpses of sky and tree before darkness fell, and for a cheery if somewhat distracted nurse. For my rather limp fistula limping along! For Insight Timer and Netflix to distract me from that which I needed distraction from - I've some favourite meditations on the former and have just started watching Connections on the latter which I can highly recommend if you're into contemporary applications of science...and possibly not Tinder! For shots of the  stunningly ornate Abbey Mills sewage pumping station.

I give thanks for being home for the weekend. For dinner mostly already made. Just need to wait for my hand to unlock to heat it up and convey forkfuls to my mouth. Typing is not helping - I give thanks my blog is done. 

Blocked

My goodness what a beautiful day it's been! I give thanks for brightness stretching out the short hours of daylight and the light on the sea, especially just after dawn and after the sun had set. For having a bit of a walk, though tired and achy, and for a lovely nap on my return. For the sight of all the other folk out enjoying the weather, Wavewalker, the wall work, and even, for some hardy swimmers, the water... from as much of a distance as possible whilst still being in the same grid reference! For finding a place to view the Lego reminiscent blocks they're using to build by the station after seeing a picture on Facebook and having my interest piqued.

I give thanks for receiving confirmation of my new surgery date and time, and managing to change that as, much as I don't want to have to be there first thing (probably before dawn!) it's preferable to having to stay in overnight afterwards (always - but particularly nowadays!) and I was scheduled for the afternoon list. I give thanks I've been given a new date again on the understanding that it may be cancelled too as they are short of surgeons at the mo, and for being prepared to resist any more admin foolishness they might come up with such having to cross to a different site for dialysis afterwards as I'll have had an arm block and not be physically able to get dressed...

I give thanks for a relaxing Yoga Nidra session to sooth my spirit, for Michelle agreeing to pick up some essential oils to try to sooth my skin problems on her way to clean tomorrow as the steroid cream I was given doesn't seem to be helping at all. For being hopeful something hastily hurled together in the kitchen just now will turn out edible if not enticing...

Lit

I was grateful the coloured lights strung across the upper brook were lit last night - they look so pretty reflected on the water. Off again now, perhaps due to the wild wind this morning or someone complaining it might encourage visitors or locals going outdoors unnecessarily. This was the reason I was given when I suggested they were turned on last lockdown to cheer us up, but we're not talking Blackpool illuminations here - not worth the trip if you are wondering! Never mind, we still have the stunning crescent moon.

I give thanks for a scenic almost empty bus ride into the city today. For a pair of soaring swans flying over as we waited in a traffic jam. For understanding the slow start to my treatment was due to a member of staff trying an idea to make it easier, despite the fact she failed. Also that the new Covid protocol is designed with the idea of keeping the county's kidney patients and nurses physically safe, and any potential psychological detriment has to be left out of the equation. Their plans are worrying me far more than the risk of infection is however...

I give thanks for my flat to come home to...and, for now at least, my friendly taxi man to drive me. For my Quorn mince dinner being nearly ready - it seems to have been a very long day.

Slight

I give thanks for the chirpy wagtail on the flat roof below my window - such a cheery sound it makes. For a murky day so I could do a few bits in town without encountering many people. For a bargain bag of Quorn mince and a new hot water bottle. There's nothing wrong with my old one yet, but I live in fear of its demise.

I give thanks for a new prescription for special renal friendly vitamin D in which I am deficient, as most most of us are, and which I specially requested from my consultant to try to keep me fit(tish). It could possibly help with back, bone and muscle pain, skin problems and fatigue while boosting my immune system so I'd be grateful for any of that. I give thanks my dexterity lasting more or less as long as the daylight, and being content to lie still watching dusk fall and take away the slightest sunset hint of non grey cloud while my hands uncramped themselves. For leftovers for tea so no chopping to start them off again.

Undefined

Well, I don't know what scared my mojo off over the last week or two but I sure am grateful she's back! Nobody likes feeling physically unwell, but when you have serious physical stuff the matter with you it's worrying as well as unpleasant. For being told Wednesday's op has been cancelled* so that won't set me back again...and for having the news some time in advance, not while waiting in a gown. 

I give thanks for a nice nurse looking after me today so my now unnecessary Covid test wasn't too violent, and for various variables conspiring to get me in and out of the unit at a reasonable time. For some tasty veg and barley stew waiting to be heated when I arrived home plus yummy Cauldron sausages. For the week ahead seeming much more appealing now despite still having the uncomfortable spots and a thumb knuckle I suspect is opposed to ever functioning properly again...

I give thanks my regular taxi driver's new car is unusually comfy sitting in the back. Also that he has removed the front passenger headrest to improve the view. I've not come across anyone else doing this, and he's not come across any one else who has appreciated it either so what luck we discovered each other! 

* To be more precise, it's been postponed - probably until early next month - but I'll let them off the language skills so long as they fix my fistula!

Inclined

I give thanks for trying to make the best choices in situations where there's been a conflict of interest between different malfunctioning body parts or mental inclinations. Thank goodness - apart from various demanding hospital departments - I mostly only have to please myself! For trying also to face without fear the processes those departments have in store for me this week. Sometimes I'm not grateful at all for my vivid imagination...

I give thanks for a complete Sainsbury's delivery, with necessary ingredients to complete making a couple of simple meals. For intending to go outside during several of the brief sunny spells, and then being grateful I hadn't when heavy rain swiftly returned. For one last long enough chance before sunset for a brisk walk around a rather hilly block as, due to wall works and standing water, there weren't too many flat options that appealed. For a couple of favourite vistas - one of which, without the Wavewalker in line of sight, was pleasantly deserted.

Mindless

Um... I don't know... I give thanks for breathing space from hospital appointments in person or on the phone, also interventions which are ultimately for my benefit but don't seem so at the time or in anxious anticipation. For the nearest I can get to running away ie retreating into the cosy nook of the spare room last night...and for stormy weather making staying indoors quite reasonable today.

For knowing mindfulness can be beneficial...but choosing mindlessness instead. For Netflix and terrestrial TV, books and mosaic distracting me from physical ailments and mental anguish, temporarily at least. For managing to stay adequately and acceptably nourished without recourse to anything as demanding as actually cooking a meal!

Symptomatic

I give thanks I made soup to come home to at the end of a rather wearying worrying day. It's amazing what a liquidiser can do to some roasted veg and chickpeas!

For seeing the Wavewalker up close as I waited for my train, and some pretty lit up Christmas decorations outside the closed stores in a city shopping centre. For birdlife on the estuary and the colours and shapes in this street. For successfully delivering some candle ends to the recyclers' doorstep by mime through the window glass. 

For managing to make an appointment to talk to my dentist next week about making an appointment for the filling he told me I need. For trying to be patient about even less progress with other ongoing health problems, and for various ideas for subjugating symptoms in the meantime including my trusty hot water bottle. 

Waving

Yay, the council has given me back my three hundred quid! Even with the many extra difficulties these days I'm still delighted to be in charge of my own travel to and from the hospital, but paying for the privilege of having responsibility wasn't part of the deal I signed up for.

I give thanks for the torrential rain last night making the plan to walk up a hill and gain some perspective seem less than sensible. The path would probably have been very slippy and though my spirit might have soared my knees were complaining at the mere thought of it. I did have to go up town to deliver the unshared cakes to the local assistance hub however, as during a Messenger conversation last night they assured me they'd find a way for them to get eaten appreciatively. They are wrapped up mass produced cakes so probably not ever touched by human hands, let alone recently, so I'm grateful whatever the renal unit rules they're not likely to spread any illness. I give thanks for the colours of a maple and holly with berries in the park. For a bit of sunshine too. 

I give thanks for trying to spend the rest of the day as restoratively as possible with a long bath, mosaic making, Yoga Nidra with Donna and gongs on CD from Sally. For discovering cottage cheese is delicious with curry, which I suppose isn't that surprising as it's not that different from paneer, and for discovering although the transport team assured me I had to use a PIN with my pre-charged card it worked fine contactless at the station. I like to get my ticket when there isn't a queue and for once I was grateful for the early dark as I could go and marvel at the Wavewalker all aglow and the sea which always seems to have a special quality at night. 

I give thanks I'm used to bouts of deep depression and know what I have to do. I'm even more grateful there are people who don't get them and can't imagine what it's like to slip into the abyss. 

Systematic

I give thanks people think I'm always positive. It isn't true of course, but it's a nice thing to believe in like the tooth fairy and unicorns. For a lot of today I've been inconsolably miserable and in between the gloom have been struggling to find five cheerful things to say. I'm grateful to be home, that's certainly one...and though for various reasons I failed to prepare a welcoming nourishing meal in advance, I give thanks I usually do. 

I give thanks for checking with the unit it was OK to bring cakes in to share, and doing so, as I thought we could all do with some cheering up. Unfortunately the rules changed yesterday so no good came of it, and I was already feeling disappointed when the next thing I learned was that the patient centred plan I'd been talked through for my surgery next week has been changed to something that suits everyone else much better. This reduced me to tears at the thought of how vulnerable I'm going to feel, but eventually I gave thanks for the reminder that the system doesn't care about me, beyond that don't become a never event and mess up their statistics.

I give thanks for having a regular driver so I didn't have to worry about what there'd be to deal with on the way back. For being indoors on a wet and windy night. For being able to take my brave face off and properly cry...

For a long life cherry and vanilla croissant to munch while I work out what to have for supper (my personal system having been expecting cake ever since the Tesco man delivered them) and a hot water bottle to cuddle as I sure do need a hug. Most of all I give thanks for my commitment to the practice of trying to be be grateful come what may.

Rash

I give thanks for a good start to the morning, waking up feeling more lively, and with no appointments or hospital stuff to deal with so the day felt full of possibilities...well until the first phone call from the hospital (telling me someone would be ringing later) anyway, I'm grateful they are doing their best to keep me alive and ticking over but the various processes do seem to be eating an extra large slice of these minimal daylight hours especially when I have energy and creative energy I want to put to good use. And talking of using, I give thanks for managing to switch between activities that taxed different joints, some of which seem to be pretty well out of cartilage now and miserably painful. For enjoying the autumn colours and mild air outdoors, and though I was a little miffed I'd missed the Wavewalker walking (presumably) in to shore, I was delighted the reason I knew it had was I could see it looming behind my flat as I walked down the street towards it. If I look out my back windows I can see the lights of the crane tonight, which probably delights me rather more than it should do, though I'm also grateful I'm reading a book exploding myths regarding gendered brains and know chromosomes have nothing to do with preferring machinery to make up!

I give thanks though I have more of my strange spots on the whole the new ones are smaller and less troublesome. The veterans are still causing me some grief, and the cause still a mystery...

I give thanks for my Yeokens free shopping bag waiting for my Tesco delivery. It's due while Bake Off is on so I hope if anything is out of stock it's not the sweet nibbles I always want when I watch...

Camouflage

That's better! I give thanks for two bowls of hearty Quorn and barley stew with buttered granary toast. For feeling more myself this morning, and even more so now I'm home and fed. 

For the contrasting sights on my journey to hospital today - the big red wave walker poised just off the shore, and camouflaged birds only visible among the pebbles when they moved. For huge skein of geese forming over wet fields and a gaggle of commando recruits at the station with shiny suits, scalps and shoes. Two had ironing boards as well! 

I give thanks for treatment going well, and the lovely catering assistant making me a fresh cup of tea when unnecessary slowness in the preparation part meant the one from the trolley round was growing cold. 

I give thanks for a quick nurse at home time and my good humoured driver ready to bring me home. For my prepaid transport card having money on it at last so I no longer have to fund my own fares. 

Musical

Phew, what an effort everything seems to be this weekend. I was grateful thinking on Friday night I could do whatever I wanted 'within current restrictions', but I didn't realise they'd include rarely being awake long enough to do anything much at all! I give thanks for trying various usually vigour improving methods - supergreens, yoga nidra, a walk in the fresh air, listening to Desmond Dekker's Israelites - but my body's response was 'Yeah, that's nice...can I curl up for a snooze again now? Oh well, I give thanks though there were many useful, creative and recreational activities that didn't get done I must have needed the rest that did. 

I give thanks for keeping myself fed and laundered and entertained. For gripping Danish drama on BBC and a fascinating and emotional Netflix documentary about a man and an octopus! For the relative mildness of the weather and the way the cruise ships' horns made a harmonious cord when they sounded all together. 

Careless

I give thanks for being home this weekend, and not away as originally planned, as I've not been fit for much except snoozing in front of the TV, and it's nicest to do that in your own living quarters. I'd wondered if I'd feel I was missing out, so give thanks for actually being far too tired to care. For trying to do other stuff at first before deciding stiffness and soreness and clumsiness and glumness made giving up a wiser choice. For managing to make a simple meal and do the washing up, only burning one pan of food through forgetfulness and not so badly that it won't come clean with a bit more effort.

I give thanks for how mostly quiet it's been - apart from that barking dog in the next street sometimes. For my skin troubles not being too uncomfortable. For an old episode of Lewis, a hot water bottle and a blanket being very comforting. 

Alien

I give thanks for the entertainment of backyard firework displays from those with flashier lifestyles than I! Reckon I  know pretty much all the reasons why pyrotechnics are a bad idea, but they always make me ooh and ah with delight and there's not an excess of that these days. Likewise for the wave machine of the sea turned up high by the wind overnight. Still blowing and I could hear it roar when I got out of the taxi just now but I'm happy pass on going closer to look. 

I've been suppressing oohs and ahs of discomfort with skin eruptions for a few weeks now while the renal and oncological teams bat responsibility to and fro. I give thanks for my kidney consultant coming to have a look this afternoon and saying she will email the cancer consultant to see what she says as it's nothing she's seen before. While they're scratching their heads I'm trying not to scratch anywhere else. Maybe I need to see a dermatologist...or an entomologist...I'm still not convinced they're not bites though nothing like any I've had before. I give thanks for having her on board anyway, she is one of the best docs in the hospital and I've seen a few! For much mirth with the research nurse too, she is always good fun to talk to and cheered me up on a difficult day with needles and pressures as well as spots. 

I give thanks for the second series of the Alienist on Netflix, seamlessly carrying on from where the book ended. The sets, costumes and cgi are such a feast for the eyes and I'm trying very hard not to gobble it up all at once...

I give thanks for not having anything I have to do this weekend, except do whatever I want...well within the various current restrictions, of course. Oh and for a very clean flat to do it in after Michelle's visit while I was out...and leftover curry to hear up for my tea. 

Lasting

I give thanks for giving into exhaustion both early last night and late this morning, but eventually making my way into a bright sunny winter's day - and so far staying awake! For managing some of the many tasks on the unrealistically long to do list which included hospital phone calls in and out, going out (to enjoy the above weather) plus being in for two deliveries, so that most other activities had to be rather rushed, abandoned at least once or just plain abandoned due to less energy and more pain than was useful. 

I give thanks for afternoon sunlight on my face...and some tasty treats to put in it! For the last of the light on the weirs of the brook. For lasting memories of some stunning bonfire nights...and for not being out hanging around for one tonight as it is more than a tad nippy! 

Prêt

What a beautiful day to get ready for lockdown! I give thanks the train was even less busy than it usually is these days and the views exceedingly scenic. Like many other people I had a few things I wanted to get in the city but the hot take away lunch I fancied was off the menu as the queues to just get in the eatery were a long way down the street, however I was already munching a freshly made crêpe by then so didn't care. Just as I approached the spot where the vendor sometimes has his trailer my pancake Pavlovian juices began to flow so I was delighted he was frying today! Poundland andother shops that will be shutting were a no go areas but Greggs and Waitrose were preternaturally quiet, presumably due to their essential nature so there's four weeks for folk to raid their shelves. I give thanks for being in and out with a vegan sausage roll from the first and then a pot of growing chives in record time!

I give thanks for a trouble free dialysis session, and the friendly local taxi man being ready to pick me up when I emerged. For in between discovering the excessively unresolved final part of a series I was watching on Netflix was just the final part of the first season, and there's plenty more story to come - though of course no guarantee of no cliffhanger endings to that...

Cramped

Gosh I was grateful to get home last night! A major attack of cramp during treatment, an incredibly slow moving nurse at the end of it who almost moved me to physical violence and then diversions due to two closed roads on the route back led to an immense sense of relief when I finally made it through my front door whimpering with fatigue and frustration due to the unavoidable disorganisation of the organisation that keeps me alive. I gave even more thanks though when walking into my increasingly graciously spacious living room. It seems to be gradually growing in size as various articles find the place where they belong, and it instantly restored some graciousness to my spirit so I remembered the nurse who knows better than every one about everything might have low self esteem that needs desperately needs the occasions when she actually does, and the one who seems too distracted to function efficiently probably has a lot of worries on her mind.

I give thanks for falling straight asleep when my head hit the mattress (I don't sleep with a pillow!) but another major attack of cramp waking me up in time to hear the astonishingly loud and long crashes of thunder. For making it through the tasks needing attention on a zombie morning before a busy afternoon attending to the repeated calls on Facebook to strip the shelves of local small businesses bare before lockdown...or close down...and meeting Mima to try a newly opened cafe before it did. In its former incarnation the tables were all squashed together but it's much better arranged now and we had a lovely large oval table to sit apart at and some very nice light cake. I give thanks for my delightful dentist explaining the various procedures we must go through before I can have a filling, and the very helpful vascular access nurse explaining how and when my operation will proceed. The plans sound very sensible but involve the co-ordination of various departments, and in my many years experience of these situations that is when plans tend to go awry. I give thanks my preferred transport home after procedures (Julie) is willing and available to provide her usual cheery and practical service and beyond that I have to accept it's out of my hands...

Stimulating

I give thanks for making a huge array of picnic food for today...time to eat it proved problematic to begin with though as I spent over an hour at appointment one waiting for a doctor who was too busy to see me, and then had to dash to the furthest side of the building to hang around in a different place for appointment two. You'll have to come back after,  said the nurse on duty who is of the 'you're lucky we're bothering with you at all' variety so I give thanks one of her kinder minions made me a mug of tea! For a good book to distract me from the misery making radio and TV they force on you in oncological areas... And for eventually leaving the building with a tube of steroid cream, a plan for surgery and an opportunity to munch a very late lunch in Clive's car on the way to check out worktops for the kitchen I'll one day have. 

I give thanks for another cup of tea arriving just now on the kidney unit, after an offer to have it freshly made as I'm at the end of the trolley round and it's often cold and stewed. It's later than I'd usually partake of stimulants but it might help me keep going until I'm finally home. For somehow slowly with my damaged left hand tapping my way through these words... Plus all the gobbledegook I tapped before most of them! 

 

Probable

I give thanks for remaining fairly active, enthusiastic and of good cheer til well past midnight last night. It makes my drowsy frowzy gloomy state today seem more justified, though why we feel the need to justify such stuff is still a mystery to me. I give thanks the bright calm start to the day gradually changed to wetter and windier, not least as this was the weekend I'd originally booked to be away, not the next one when now I can't. Very little human contact had been part of the plan - solitary strolls and posh pot noodles in my hotel room - so I'm grateful for now thinking to take one of those pots to an extended hospital day tomorrow, in case it could meet hot water at any point between two consultations before an evening dialysis session. Of all the aspects of tomorrow that could concern me, I give thanks it's probably a healthy sign the one that concerns me most is the probable inadequacy of refreshment facilities!

I give thanks for trying to prepare myself for the likely news that for Covid safety reasons I must return to the unit where I don't feel safe or cared for in other ways, and remembering to be grateful for the more comfortable and companionable months I've enjoyed at my home base. For also remembering the idea of lockdown is that it saves lives (plus maybe Christmas activities for those for whom that is a special sociable time) and the disappointments and difficulties we are all going to face are side effects of getting used to getting what we want.

I give thanks for old episodes of QI and Just a Minute making me laugh, for making mosaic making me more content and for my kidney working better today so I can have another cup of tea.