Ideal

I give thanks for a bright idea for a walk to take today... which will stand being postponed until some other day when my get up and go is functioning, and perhaps not quite so many other folk are promenading outside. For the whiteness of the heavy frost this morning looking almost like snow and the blue sky, sunshine and pretty clouds that followed. 

For getting up and going eventually enough for pottering around at home instead, doing laundry and other chores. For some good things to eat without too much of an effort including rhubarb crumble for afternoon tea. For finally finishing the revamp of my hanging and for being most pleased with how it's turned out. For the excellent Queen's Gambit making resting on the sofa in between these activities really no hardship at all.

Paused

Mmm...how nice to be home and dry on a cold wet night. For my supper waiting in the fridge to be heated up...and now in my tummy waiting for a dessert chaser! I give thanks for having food in abundance, heating and power, comfy furnishings and sedentary entertainment on tap to pause or play at will. 

I give thanks for a delayed card arriving today with a little handwritten letter inside from Laura. The card was a photo of a hanging she'd made - what a nice idea! For managing to get a pack of Greggs vegan sausage rolls on my way to the unit today, plus a half price calendar as January seems to be already half full of appointments I need to keep track of. For two days off before I have to keep any of them! 

Augmented

I give thanks for a happy to stay at home day - especially as I could! For a super long bath with two books and for getting some vacuuming done which may not sound exciting or fun but which was satisfying and useful instead, though more energetic than I've been for a while so more rest was needed after. 

For more work on a craft project, augmenting the sun and moon batik hanging I made a few years ago which was 'temporarily' suspended on bare dowel with a piece of string. It came down for the wallpaper to go up and seemed too scruffy to return so last month I painted the poles and this week I've been crocheting a cord to replace the string. Nearly there! 

I give thanks for going out for tea! I'd wanted to go out one evening to admire the lights around the town centre and Mima and I met for socially distant fish and chips to do just that. 

I give thanks for finally getting round to the changing the batteries in my window stars after being reminded on the way back how dim their twinkle had become! 

Auspicious

I've no idea what it was I made for tonight's tea yesterday but it was very very nice! I give thanks for combining an auspicious collection of odds and ends from freezer, fridge and storage jars so effectively. Ooh and there's some of my special bread and butter pudding left over too!

I give thanks for feeling well enough to take the bus today and for not many other people having the same idea. For a cosy homemade Viyella mask with a pocket for a filter and my big coat, boots and hat. For Imee Ooi in my ears and the beautiful winter countryside.

I give thanks for a good day at the office despite staffing and other problems causing delays. For getting my cup of tea and biscuits on time by means of a cunning manoeuvre. For the HCA who took me off the machine telling me about dreaming she'd written a song, waking up and trying to write it. It was lovely that I knew what she meant describing some of the processes - we both enjoyed that! For still feeling well. I've about 10 days til I'm due my cancer treatment again - I must enjoy it while I can. 

Expected

I give thanks for today. It was the best day yet in terms of feeling on the way to as well as can be expected. There's been lots of reminders lately that my expectations where wellness is concerned might be a tad unreasonable in the circumstances but I don't think this is an altogether bad thing. I give thanks for mostly sunshine and just a little breeze - not the wild weather I'd imagined I'd be cosily watching from indoors, but how wonderful to think it looked inviting enough for a stroll and being able to have one in between a couple of sharp showers. For a rainbow across the bay warning me when it was time to turn around.

For the sight of the cruise ships slowly parading by, and for slowly making progress on a couple of craft projects. For a dinner that was roasted followed by a pudding with dried fruit - though any resemblance to a dinner a few people might have eaten a few days ago was both minor and coincidental. For lush roasted carrots in mine - parboiled first of course in proper renal fashion. For sitting down to eat it just as Edward Scissorhands was sitting down to his which was comforting as I'm so clumsy with a knife and fork.

Boxed

I give thanks I'm home and very fed! For my taxi driver offering to open for me although he was closed - at double tariff it was worth it to him, and as there was no public transport the money would only have gone elsewhere otherwise. For an OK day at the office despite serious understaffing issues. For no major issues of any other kind so they caught up with themselves eventually and the patients just had to be a bit patient while they did. For the lovely housekeeping lady making me a fresh cup of tea as the trolley went round while I was in the waiting room and nice nurses putting me on and taking me off the machine. For my fistula working fine which was a great at relief after needle problems on Wednesday, and for good clean blood ready to be polluted with more food before long no doubt! Well it's cold - I need the calories, right? Plus it'll soon be time for supper! 

I give thanks for a very pleasant present opening session with Bob last night, and that we were both pleased with the contents of our boxes...Also of course that they finally arrived. 

Traditional

I give thanks for pretty soft marble clouds today. For a long lie in after a busy evening catching up with chores that make you feel cherished when they're done, followed by a succession of complicated and stressful dreams that kept waking me up...

I give thanks for a calm sea and watching people paddle boarding, power boating and having a Christmas swim! For a shorter and less enthusiastic stroll than yesterday, but uphill this time to see the Wavewalker now a little further along the coast. For a snoozy afternoon on the sofa after a comforting mound of risotto. For another mound left over for when I get home from hospital tomorrow. For some nice little gifts from friends and a plan to open the ones from Bob 'with' Bob opening his when we're both up for it at the same time. This is how we do Christmas even when we're physically together. Our family tradition is to do whatever we like! 

Evening

Oh my, what can I say? I give thanks for blood donors from every chamber of my heart! For the weather gods for providing a glorious winter's day and for finally being able to go somewhere that wasn't a hospital for the first time in a month. For finally getting to see the Christmas displays in the local shop and cafe windows, and the star decorations in my own. For a bag of hot donuts from the kiosk across the road from where I live to take across another road and munch by the sea. Always get rather emotional when I first get outside after being hostage to health problems for a while, and always give myself a pat on the back for moving to the coast before my health got bad...even more for moving nearer still before it got worse! 

I give thanks for two parcels from Bob - one that's been delayed for a couple of weeks and one meant to arrive for tomorrow. For Mima and Rachel both distantly delivering little gifts too during my restorative rest on the sofa, and just receiving a text from Jo to say she's popped a little something through the downstairs door. Feel as if I may have more presents than I deserve this year! Giving tends to be my favourite bit so perhaps I need practice in getting instead... Christmas Eve also tends to be my favourite day of the season, and this has been a particularly favourite one with the bonus of no treatment but pleasant after effects of treatment yesterday I am even more grateful than usual... 

Takeaway

 It's a gratitude blog so I'll be brief as it's not been an unmitigatedly grateful day...

I give thanks for being home most definitely. For two units of best red blood coursing around my veins so that a wonderful feeling of physical peace has replaced the sense of battles in almost every cell. It's particularly nice to be able to breathe without effort. I kept telling myself to pretend it was altitude sickness but there wasn't a stunning view.

I give thanks for my taxi driver waiting when I had to wait a very long time for the transfusion, due it not being ordered properly and wasn't ready to have during dialysis. For some dialysis beforehand though there was a problem with the needles and endless machine alarms so treatment had to be cut short. For sponge cake on offer with the cups of tea on the trolley in the main unit which made a welcome change...especially as the stress of the afternoon put me off my lunch. For not having to go in tomorrow, which was one suggestion made...

I give thanks for a massive 'takeaway' Indian feast for my tea, part supermarket bought and part home made including marrow and ginger jam given to someone who didn't want it and passed on to me. That made a very good chutney substitute as all the nice ones have been snapped up for cheese boards and turkey sandwiches I guess.

Effortless

I give thanks for moving as slowly as seemed necessary through another day, keeping up with kitchen duties being top priority as there's nothing wrong with my appetite, and making a curry for tomorrow's tea just in case I don't come home feeling like Superwoman on speed, as I sincerely hope I do! For liaising effortlessly with the lovely Melissa and receiving my seasonal 'shop local' gift to myself and my flat both of which have a somewhat neglected air. Let there be light...light fantastic! 

For a letterbox bouquet of flowers from Andrew and Sheena - somewhat confusing as I've no idea who they are and not surprising really as I'm not Aunty Ann and Uncle Peter for whom the card was intended. Don't know if I actually got the right flowers but by ringing the firm I did find out the gift was really from Gary and Steph and what the message was meant to say. I give thanks for assurances the correct card will be on its way in the new year maybe, maybe around the time Bob and I receive the parcels we've sent each other. I give thanks it doesn't really seem very Christmassy anyway...

I give thanks for sewing a couple of leaves on my tree of life. I've been craving creativity which isn't about staying alive with the least possible effort...and this was the creativity with the least possible effort! For trying Quorn sausages rolls that don't come from Greggs - so I know never to do so again! 

Knowing

I give thanks for managing a bit of a tidy up before I left for the unit today...even finally, after ten days home from hospital, managing to beat the washing up into submission! When I felt right poorly during treatment it was a comfort to know if I popped my clogs at least the sink wasn't clogged up with dishes!

I give thanks the hasty ECG showed nothing too scary...and knowing the consultant said it was OK helped me to feel more OK myself.  I give thanks I've felt like this before when my haemoglobin has been ridiculously low - it helps to know I've just got to hang in there. Also for asking politely if I could not be informed of the precise numbers please as until I get that transfusion a little knowledge can sometimes be a far less scary thing. For the main dialysis unit has been able to accommodate me for this on Wednesday alongside normal treatment as apparently it's complicated getting blood delivered elsewhere. They've said they'll do this as my usual time, which would be nice, though we'll have to wait and see if that's actually what happens.

I give thanks for my patient taxi driver. For leftover veggie stew and vegan meatballs cooking for a hasty tea. 

Dropping

I give thanks for Tesco's frozen mini pastries which cook up very well. For weight lost at just the right time to put it back on again! For watching the clouds dropping rain onto the horizon and the gaps in the clouds dropping sunshine onto the sea...

I give thanks for still being many months behind in listening to Loose Ends so I can marvel at the fascinating innocence of those pre-pandemic days, as well as the gems you hear like how much of the country is grouse moor and that the Ramones enjoyed playing the occasional Wombles song.

I give thanks for a little more energy, and both the internal and external wounds on my arm being less sore so I was able to catch up with a few light chores in my vertical phases. For an extended and remarkably sound nap in one of the horizontal ones!

I give thanks for supermarket deliveries managing to only be missing non-essential items. Especially non-essential when there's only me to go without! For folk managing not to blame and complain. It's easier said than done to leave grumpy stuff left unsaid but oh it's so much nicer when you do! 

Creaky

I give thanks for Jo bringing me coloured carrots. I'm not allowed parsnips but can roast the white ones and pretend! She let me know she was on the way  at just the right time as I'd been slowly getting ready to try shuffling down the pavement towards the sea so didn't have to go downstairs twice. I give thanks the sea is just a shuffle away, as I am still seriously feeble, and am beginning to accept will probably not get any less so until I get that nice fresh blood in me. For the fabulous fresh air, noticeable even through a thick mask, for the mask as there were a lot of people milling around between chip shop and beach, and for a sudden heavy shower so most of them ended up under the railway and I could wobble by the waves by myself for a few mins.

I give thanks for the Real Full Monty though it always makes me cry for so many reasons. For putting together components of a veg and barley stew over the last couple of days so when I can get upright again I just need to finish it off. For the fibre optic 'UFO' lamp Bob bought me what must be twentyish years ago making a minimal effort Christmas tree substitute. It's a tad creaky too but I can...and do...gaze at it enchanted for long periods of time. 

Shapely

I'm grateful social media shows me folk are still getting out and about, visiting places and getting together with people they know. I'm also quite grateful I don't have to just now - unless you count the regular taxi trips to the dialysis unit - as everything is still such an effort. I give thanks for a very socially distant movie night with Jan however, watching the fabulous fantasy that is The Shape of Water together in our respective homes.

I give thanks for the surgeons very dainty stitches coming out with no wincing at all. This could be due to multiple procedures in more or less the same part of my arm destroying the nerves but honestly I'm not grumbling anyway. 

For another successful treatment so I have the cleanest blood I've had in the longest while, plus a shot of iron to keep me going until a blood transfusion next week. Funnily enough I was only thinking yesterday that last time I felt like this they gave me a top up of the good stuff, and how much better I was for it... Damn fine Christmas present if you ask me! 

Advertised

I give thanks for a day when the horizontal parts have seemed more pleasantly lazy rather than essential for survival...and the mobile ones have included some stuff I wanted to do as well as things I must. For achieving a little bit more tidiness about the place instead of everything just staying wherever it's dropped which has been the case for quite a few weeks Still a long way from where I'd like to be physically and domestically, but definite signs of improvement.. 

For the pretty sky this morning. For Jo who goes to various shops with her husband in a car offering to look out for heritage carrots for me! For Walter presenting me with more 'world drama' and for how strange some of the adverts seem, as not geared to the world drama actually going on. Not counting seasonal fragrance adverts of course - they are always from another planet! 

Diverse

Wow, the waves this morning! I give thanks I'm getting used to the way the building shudders when the tide is high and the sea is rough. For the literally awesome sight from my windows when daylight joined in. As far as I can tell the 'returning' wall profile is deflecting much of their destructive power but helpfully (from the visual of view!) increasing the plumes of spray. If they hit at a certain angle it looks like a steam train is running along just below the railway line!

I give thanks for a good day in lots of ways. For finally getting Bob's presents wrapped and packed, and for Mima braving the PO queue to send the box off as even posting a stamped letter in a box would be too much for me just now. For getting more done between rests now though, and for my appetite beginning to return. For another successful dialysis session, though my arm is still rather sore, and some laughter and interesting conversation with the nurse looking after me. Also with the taxi driver who drove into the castle grounds and up and down the main street here So I could admire the extra pretty light displays this year. 

I give thanks at a time when I'm spending extra time lying on the sofa in front of the TV, I'm finding plenty of programmes to enjoy. I get to see different places I would have liked to visit - Iceland and Oxford for instance, and the astonishing Samarkand. And tonight's treat - two members of Diversity on Ice. Always a pleasure clothes on or off! 

Processed

I gave thanks for a long longed for fragrant dip today, and for hanging a load of light laundry on the rack. If you don't get why I was grateful, then you should be for not knowing what it's like to be weak! For the good fortune of access to (fairly) modern sanitation and appliances. For Clive making me a pie for my lunch - that's the Clive who has a pie factory not the one who puts up my shelves!

I give thanks for also partly making some soup out of rather elderly veg from the fridge, plus some fresh bits arriving from Tesco. There's probably more than I need for the foreseeable future, but actually going to a shop is out of the question in that time frame too so I'm hoping some complicated mathematical processes of nutrition will come into play so I start to have more energy again to make food, eat it and be more active than just washing up in between! I give thanks for a loaf of nice bread to go with the almost soup... I'm almost tempted just to gnaw chunks off it as it would be kinder to the wounds on my right arm than trying to saw slices I'm sure... I give thanks for my food processor helping with the rest. 

Successful

I give thanks I'm home, and mostly fed, having stopped for a breather as even cooking something simple quite wore me out. For my Tesco order completed so there should be plenty more tempting but not too renally naughty food arriving tomorrow evening. I need feeding up without a lot of exhausting effort... 

For a day of rest and recuperation planned beforehand. For making it through what seemed a very arduous one today. For kind and encouraging staff at the unit, and for my kind and helpful taxi driver. Most of all though for my fixed up fistula doing the job it's supposed to. It dawned on me this morning I've had less dialysis over the last couple of weeks than some patients have in just one of their treatment sessions, so that is very good news indeed! Onwards and upwards...but not just now!

Slow

I've been grateful for lots and lots of (hopefully) healing sleep, some it during the night - when I woke up thinking I was in hospital! For being more active than I've been for a week or two, though in possibly imperceptible ways to the untrained eye, mainly just keeping fed and clean and vaguely tidy about the place. For doing some washing up, for washing my hair at last...and for the long nap that followed. For a long handled sponge as I still don't feel stable enough to get in and out of the bath... 

I give thanks for Sainsbury's crumpets - among the nicest and cheapest I've found. For wet and windy weather making staying indoors eating them no hardship at all, especially when making a meal seems so much bother.

I give thanks most people have been most understanding of my need to put gentle recuperation before sorting out cards, gifts or any kind of seasonal social interaction. I'm sure Bob would let me off too but I'm determined he will have something to unwrap even if not the usual parcel full of presents... and maybe not on time. I'm so grateful I gathered a few gifts for him already, just need more strength, less pain and a device to slow down time! 

Twinkly

I give thanks for proper job cups of tea again, even if I have to make them myself. Earl Grey this morning was like ambrosia to my taste buds - and by that I don't mean rice pudding! For being able to curl up in bed, or on the sofa. I'm rather a curly person and I've missed it rather a lot!

I give thanks for managing to get dressed unaided, and for watching the outside world from the comfort of my inner one...as well as a lot of TV and the inside of my eyelids! For keeping myself pleasantly fed without much effort or washing up to do. For a Sainsbury's delivery and managing to put most of it away. 

I give thanks for the twinkliness of this street this time of year, even though the lower brook lights have failed once again. For choosing openings on the top window sections as well as the bottom as the handles are ideal for hanging my new LED stars, and I feel I can do my part in adding to the display. 

Battered

I give thanks for being home at last! For finding the difficulty getting here hilariously funny, and for it being Julie whose car broke down right outside the main entrance of the hospital as she could enjoy the ensuing chaos too instead of getting angry and uptight as some might do. For the delay giving me more time to appreciate the pretty lit up tree and polar bears decorating the forecourt and to acclimatise to upright again after so long horizontal and still. Gosh it felt strange! 

For being settled on the sofa starting to thaw out as the flat warms up, in recovery after climbing the mountain of my stairs. For flowers waiting from Rachel and everything cleaned and tidied by her and by Michelle who also picked up some supplies from my helpful local health food shop, though I'm not sure much cooking will be done for a day or two! For tea this evening which was a bag of Frazzles - delicious and all I needed after making sure I was well very fed today. For meeting some lovely staff this week from all areas of hospital work and finding some surprising common ground. How lovely to be alone in my own private space again though, recharging my personal battery that's become rather run down too! Thanks for being there folks! 

Remarkable

I give thanks for the torrential rain last night. I couldn't see it but tall Paul opened the high louvre windows above my bed so I could enjoy the sound and smell and wafts of chilly breeze when I couldn't sleep. Apparently it's been really misty today, shame I missed that!

Talking of missing, I've never been lucky enough to see the kingfishers upstream from where I live so I was really grateful someone posted not just photos on the Facebook community page but fabulous videos too. Oh and I read the pretty lights over the brook are back on as well!

For my various sorenesses not being too bad and looking forward to the time I can lie in a bath again and look at my body's growing map of scars and tell it how wonderful and beautiful it is. For my marvellous single kidney which, despite being generally defined as a failure, still carries on doing its best and kept my blood clean enough for a day off dialysis today. Just one more treatment with the line where the sun don't shine and then all being well that can come out and I can go home for a weekend of gentle recovery before my remodelled fistula gets to work. I'm so grateful I have so little to do for Christmas as I seem to have mislaid a large chunk of December somewhere.

I give thanks for the astonishing improvements to the food here. It's been utterly minging for the last few years but this time I'm actually looking forward to the meals which is great as a) I need to put some weight back on and b) this is the nearest thing to a holiday I've had/will have for  quite while so tasty catering is very welcome. 

Medicated

I give thanks for mental ingenuity and physical perseverance, and for feeling well enough once more to employ these attributes! I'm confined to bed with limited use of right arm and left leg...and of course my left hand's not brilliant either. Bell responses are like lives in a video game - there aren't many and once they're gone they're gone, so are best reserved for non negotiables like pain relief and stoma needs, and rely on one's own problem solving skills. 

It's the little things. Julie delivered all manner of 'little things' but they're on a chair too far behind me to reach. Discover by hooking right foot into bed side guard I can push myself up mattress, grab arm of chair and drag it nearer. V grateful no abdominal surgery this time.For arm of chair becoming handy extra tool. And for rice cakes!

Right that's snacks... Now Netflix! I give thanks for the little ledge on the bed table to stop stuff falling off the back - but my table is the wrong way round so stuff falls off back and ledge conceals edge of tablet screen restricting viewing. I give thanks for repurposing paper back book and pack of mediwipes to make a stand. For my tablet... And for Intermittent internet to download stuff for when off. 

And talking of tablets. For a new to the problem consultant asking if I knew of any reason why my fistula kept grinding to a halt. Low blood pressure maybe? he suggested. Yes, says me, delighted! I have been saying for months I don't think I should be on meds to lower blood pressure that's no longer high and can't get anyone to listen. He listened. Off meds. Yay, I may even start to feel generally a little bouncer which would be very welcome indeed! 

I give thanks they left my (blessed) side room door open just now and over heard due to computer cock up they've wiped all my prescribed drugs off list so Paracetamol may be some time. Also overheard talk of another patient who was upset as no one could find her a remote. Rang bell. Donated remote. Nurse grateful and a little scared of my auditory abilities. Shot of self made happy chemicals for the pain 😊

Hammered

I give thanks for reminding myself this is all for my own good. Well, maybe not all of it - stuff like being left without a call bell, with food or drink just out of reach, or your fanny on display to all and sundry in a mixed ward as the curtains aren't properly drawn? Nah, not so beneficial...so I'm grateful these and other misdemeanours didn't happen all at once! I do genuinely understand nursing staff are mostly too busy these days to keep you clean and comfortable, so I am genuinely grateful when they can find some spare time to attend stuff you can't attend to yourself as you have to lie still in bed. It's been a messy day!

I give thanks for being transferred in the small hours of the morning to a side room on an appropriate ward and, as I was still allowed to move around then, for managing to fix an air lock in a water pipe that sounded like hammering every time someone else ran a tap! For enjoying some of the hospital food, when I'm allowed to eat, and some moderately clean blood after a massively difficult dialysis session. For arriving back in my little haven and it's better than Christmas - co-ordinated by Rachel, Julie has brought me a bag of requested essential supplies! I'm tired now, and tonight/tomorrow is going to be a whole new set of challenges. 

Laughing

Gosh it was an effort getting ready for dialysis today! What a shame when I got to the unit, the fistula refused to flow and no blood cleaning could be done. I give thanks seven hrs later I'm finally waiting fairly comfily for whatever tomorrow may bring. Should have known better than to go along with 'Go straight to A&E', said OK and gone home to get my hospital survival kit first instead. Doh! I give thanks for having realistic expectations of my chances of sleep, for being moderately fed and watered, for being more or less warm. 

The AMU waiting room with the slightly badly tuned radio was the worst bit. Making the doctors laugh is always the best. We all need to laugh. 

Domestic

I give thanks I don't live where I lived before, and even more for not being in the place I temporarily parked in in between. If I remember correctly, today is the two year anniversary of unexpected early evening removal day - what a surreal palaver that was, and how grateful I am it's history! 

I give for beautiful winter's weather and a few short walks to different parts of the flat for various life sustaining purposes. For heaters, and sunlight streaming in through big windows to avoid the effort once again of getting dressed once again. For being able to bathe - and get out of the bath afterwards -and wake up again after falling asleep after that! For eating being less difficult, though cooking and washing up still have to be done in short spread out instalments. For my slow cooker. For my arm not being so sore, and managing to change the sheet on my bed, though the duvet cover will have to wait until the wound is held together with healed skin not glue! 

Stirring

Yay, I made it to the sofa...Nice to have a change of scene! For a heap of blankets and quilts to keep me warmish and TV to keep me entertained. For managing small occasional amounts of food including, a little earlier, a scrambled egg! For a stool to perch on while I stirred as I'm still very weak and wobbly. For being hopeful some protein will help me get stronger as there are a lot of chores that need attention when I can move around a bit more. For enjoying the changing light, coloured clouds at sunset and, when I was briefly by the window, for the waviness of the sea. 

Flattened

I give thanks for eating a biscuit - that's the first solid food item that has passed my lips in more than twenty four hours, after my body violently rejected what it had already had for some reason. For feeling a whole lot better than I did last night though still very weak and a long way from normal for me, even after a challenging medical/surgical week.

I give thanks for the dialysis unit telling me to stay home as I don't think I could have got there. They also advised sweet drinks instead of just water to try to give me some strength and for managing to make and take some cups of honey and lemon - the last one without having to stop for a rest mid-process which is huge progress.

I give thanks for my bed. For rest and sleep. 

Flickering

I thought I'd be out like a light last night but sleep was more of a flickering thing and I've needed lots of top up naps today. I'm so grateful there's been no reason why not! I give thanks for the rainy times that made me very grateful to be indoors, and for the sunny ones for people out and about. There seem to be less of them than recently - I wonder if that's because folk are back at their non essential jobs instead of taking non essential journeys to wander around here? 

I give thanks for a nice long soak in the bath, and managing to put together and eat a small simple meal despite little appetite or energy. For my arm not being too sore for now and for telling myself though dialysis will probably be very uncomfortable tomorrow, if I can get there and they can get the needles in having my blood cleaned should make me feel better. For a slight but detectable flickering in my vein. 

Operational

Today wasall about the proceedings of my procedure obvs. Give thanks for treating myself to a taxi in from my own money - much more pleasant than bus on cold dark morning which I've done for other early winter admissions. And my usual pleasant driver wishing me well more cheery too. 

Super staff at eye unit - where they have a spare theatre renal can use. Nice helpful surgeon and also anaesthetist who clarified the 'some' hours the total arm block would be effective could be 12 - 18! Agreed with me this not desperately practical for stoma bag wearer so quick change of plan to put me for the count. Not my fave experience but fistula ops when conscious aren't either so actually happy to wake up and it's done. Grateful anaesthetist came back to see me after op too to clarify reason for partial numbness in hand due to local for technicalities of operational techniques - dilation of vessels etc. Also advised restricting band removed without probs, so now must wait and see if fistula gradually grows big and strong again. At moment just happy just to be home on sofa and able to operate remote control! I give thanks for Julie's unfussy nurturing and the scenic drive home in the remains of daylight before a pretty sunset sky. I'm staying inside. I may be some time...

Nightmarish

I was grateful this morning I couldn't remember what the bad dreams I'd had were about - I do recall there were several different scary ones with wake ups in between! For catching up on me time, plus a little lost sleep, on the bus, and for managing to keep waking myself up so I didn't drift into more than doze and miss my stop.

I give thanks for treatment in my old side room with a view of some tree tops and sky as well as rather attractive older hospital buildings. I didn't see much of this for the first hour however as three members of staff were between me and the window trying with increasing urgency to coax my increasingly sluggish fistula into effective action. Although my conscious brain knew it wasn't emergency surgery going on, the dashing about and desperate calls for various bits of kit did make it feel like that, and I was very grateful when they eventually achieved some partial success by starting all over again with fresh needles and tubes. 

For taking the opportunity to lie very still enjoying the pale marble patterns of grey in the cloud cover in between the times the machine alarms sounded and before it got dark. Also, that as far as I know my surgery is still going ahead tomorrow. Fingers crossed it stays on schedule and they can sort me out.