Grumbling

I've been trying to think of some things to say that are grateful not grumbling... Umm...

for my commitment to the challenge of trying to be thankful

for getting through a physically challenging day. Well, most of it so far anyway

for occasionally trying to do more than I felt capable of, just in case I was underestimating my strength and endurance 

For frequently giving up and retiring back to my bed or the sofa...and, actually, thinking about it, for not feeling like this was giving up at all...

For a couple of top up snoozes after another sleep deprived night

For appreciating the comforts of home despite being so uncomfortable 

Drizzly

I give thanks for being a lot brighter and breezier today - rather like the weather. Well not first thing...at half four in the morning I was, as usual, feeling fatigued and rather victimised. I give thanks for optimism that eventually I'll be off these pills and various bodily functions will return to what's normal for me. Meanwhile I give thanks for yummy Greek salad for my tea - one of my favourite dishes and jam packed with ingredients kidney patients not on steroids should avoid. Oh what happy taste buds I have!

I give thanks for taking the bus into the city, partly for the scenic top deck ride with Imee Ooi on my headphones and partly so I could buy a couple of odds and ends before going to the unit. For the odds and ends being available though I had to go back later for the vegan sausage roll as they were waiting for the next batch fresh out of the the oven. Nom nom nom...no wonder they are so popular! Oh and for some delicious lemon drizzle cake from the baker a few doors down. I've tried a few of their other offerings and they've been too sweet but this was tangy and tasty. 

For Clive coming to do some detailed measuring up in case he can get fuel (and a suitably sized vehicle) to collect my new worktop at the weekend. For a plan B if he can't...

For the mother of pearl sea after the sun set amid tinted puffs of cloud. For the forecast being inclement again for tomorrow as everything has seemed rather hard work lately and staying at home for some rest and play (but no Mars bars!) really appeals to me. 

Big

I give thanks that you and I and probably everyone we know has a home. And for the reminder today of that incredible blessing we so often overlook in the ebb and flow of our lives within them. My current local Big Issue seller can be a bit in your face and puts me off purchasing sometimes, but today I braced his song and banter and bought a copy, taking it with a pinch of salt when he told me what page number he was on. Later, in a long luxurious back soothing bath (for which I was also grateful!) I discovered this edition was 'taken over' by some of the sellers and it was true! 

I give thanks for sticking to the programme after a pitiful amount of sleep again, getting up and ready to go out as soon as my bus pass allowed - and before the rain became too torrential. For phoning the shop I meant to go to, and for them leaving an answering machine message saying they were closed so I knew not to bother and going for a quick potter up the street here instead. For finding and buying a rather nice jumper not in a charity shop (!) to give the sudden change of season more of an appeal. 

For as restful a day as I could manage while still ticking off some jobs from my mental to do list. For a gloriously gothic episode of Endeavour. Been struggling to get into the new series but this was an absolute classic and ideal for a weary soul to curl up with on wet afternoon with a snuggly throw and a hot water bottle. For Tesco delivering most of what I ordered. The Co-op shelves were scarily bare earlier so I'd been a tad concerned... For Clive due to come round tomorrow for a pre-sink fitting recce. 

Commercial

Not been a lot of laughter in my life lately so I give thanks for unexpected humour in episodes of both New Lives in the Wild and Bake Off. For the way the judges in the latter don't take themselves much more seriously than the presenters who are hired to fool around. 

Not been a lot of singing either...so for not fast forwarding quick enough in the ads and catching part of a Tiffany's one with Moon River as the sound track (funnily enough!) which is an all time favourite of mine and which I know so well I could turn the volume down and carry on unaccompanied. 

For a good sleep by current standards. I was completely oblivious to the raging tempest which woke up two people I know in the town, but I give thanks for hearing a strange repetitive noise when I did stir and then becoming absorbed in the fascination of watching two binmen trying to release a blue commercial skip that had become stuck upside down in the mechanism at the back of the truck by pressing the button for the same abortive release manoeuvre over and over again.

For folk on Facebook with fuel offering lifts to folk who might be stuck.

For making my tea before breakfast this morning so I just have to heat it up.

Astir

I give thanks for waking up too early again, but not feeling quite as feeble as yesterday mentally or physically. For getting up (eventually!) and having the energy not only stir a pan of spicy fruity porridge but one of polenta to set for chips for my tea. For a slow day otherwise but not a stopped one. For a pleading though ache making play with bits of glass and wood and glue... 

I give thanks for a slow hobble down to the Cove to meet Mima for tea and cake in a patch of unexpected warm sunshine. For her bringing my launderette washed and line dried autumn duvet ready for the cool, wet and windy weather forecasters keep telling us is on the way. For a long flop on the sofa afterwards - getting some fresh air and exercise was good but it freshened up the pain and fatigue as well. 

I give thanks for my yummy easy to make tea and for no one to see how clumsy I am knife and fork...and how much I eat with my fingers. For Rainbow Warrior in the bay, and Ben Fogle entertainingly and empathetically  trying out various kinds life in the wild. Won't be stirring from the sofa much this evening... 

Woke

I'm very grateful we have a working fire alarm in the building...and even more so that the folk who (presumably) set it off some time before 1.30 am, when it woke me, also sorted out turning it off again. Of course, they might just have been doing us all an altruistic favour, but one is a heavy smoker so although I don't want to unfairly blame, you can see where the suspicion's from. I give thanks for the sound sleep I was having before that anyway... 

I give thanks I didn't have to go anywhere today, not even on a self set mission or a whim...not even downstairs to collect post or put out recycling. Fibro fatigue and pain have been in charge of my body and deep gloominess in control of my mind so, although not really in a state of thankfulness at all, I have appreciated just being able to grump and grumble at home by myself, and not have to make myself presentable or make conversation. 

I give thanks for my bed and bath and sofa. For keeping myself fed with help from the freezer and doing the washing up.

Local

I give thanks for another wonderful sunset, and for sleeping enough during the night to enjoy the golden hour this morning rather than the is-it-ever-going-to-get-light ones.

For being a bit less tired and achy today, and for vowing to try to remember not doing stuff is taking care of myself too.. .though obviously sometimes there's pros and cons. 

For it being a Michelle day so no need to do any housework and, as I finished the things I did need to do with time to spare AND the warm sunshine came back unexpectedly, for popping across the road to sit by the sea for a while and enjoy it. The tide was not long out as well as the sun and there were only a few folk to walk past to have an expanse of drying sand to myself which was very welcome, in fact due to the curve of the sea wall it seemed as if I had a whole deserted beach to myself for a time. I was very grateful for that! 

I give thanks for discovering via a question on a local social media site not only that milk bottle tops are being collected for the region's children's hospice but there's a collection point in town here. 

For a short scenic detour on the way home to avoid potential traffic jams near the petrol station. For arriving just as a neighbour was ever more frantically searching her bags for a key and being able to let her in. 

I give thanks it's the weekend. I am very ready for one! 

Abandoned

Oh joy! Rubbish night's sleep but after giving up and getting up for a cuppa at six I heard the very welcome sound of a neighbour putting the communal recycling bins out. I was so pleased and proud to manage it last week but my everything hurt this morning and there's no way I could have obliged this time particularly as the truck came round to collect not very long after. 

I give thanks for not doing quite a lot of other things after that apart from essential tasks  and treating a great deal of pain, fatigue and general miserableness with naps, books and TV. For not having any plans I needed to grieve over abandoning...for managing to look after myself (despite a lot of moaning and groaning!)...and for mostly managing not to tell myself I ought to be getting on with stuff that mostly doesn't matter. 

For Amazon refunding me the 99p I paid for an extra week Prime as I cancelled early and 'hadn't made full use of benefits' or some such. I'd thought the tennis and films I enjoyed were a good enough benefit but hey, I'm not complaining if they want to give them away... 

Soaking

I give thanks for another pretty sunset, but also for the sense the weather is on the turn. I need a grey day or two for some rest and recuperation after making the most of the fabulous September warmth and sunshine we've been having, and in the process pushing myself to the limits of current capabilities. Last night, as is often the way when I've walked more than I usually do, I was woken by cramp in my left leg. What was unusual was quite how many times it woke me - over and over again! I give thanks for a top up nap during treatment and to Jo for sending me some Paracetamol.

I give thanks my supper is all ready to be heated up, and for a slice of buttered granary toast to keep me going until I eat it as my bath water is heating up as well and it has been the last two nights but I've fallen asleep before I could run it. I'm grateful I've a shower to keep me clean but I really could do with a soothing soak for the sore bits. 

Determined

I give thanks for my determination to fit some staycation into the sunny days between hospital ones. It is admirable...and, despite the considerable ensuing pain and fatigue, often exquisitely worth it. Today I ate one of those spicy pasties on a grassy bank overlooking a wide expanse of estuary at the lowest tide and, for a while, could hear no one else talking. Might not be everyone's idea of bliss but pretty close to mine! I had one of those 'real me' moments when I remembered I haven't always been this damaged doppelganger. For a scenic train ride on the way there, and a scenic ferry ride back. Don't know if I'll manage to a sea trip this year so I'm grateful for rivers to cross... 

I give thanks for putting my squishy steroid bloated foot down before I left for these delights and instigating a gradual reduction of the dosage. My liver function is almost back to normal now and my captors have conceded the residual damage may be my 'new normal' so letting my other body parts recover from the treatment for the treatment that went wrong might be the way to go. 

I give thanks my airbnb has literally all the comforts of home...though room service would be welcome! Never mind, I'm grateful  for half made tea of veg and Quorn mince mixture which could be turned into a variety of dishes when I next get off the sofa. Last night it became a lush lasagne-like invention using leftover pancakes (which fit perfectly in my little Pyrex casserole) and cauliflower cheese for the cheesy layer. For all the TV I fell asleep during last night to catch up with...if I don't fall asleep again!

Confusing

I give thanks for the sight of the bright full moon shining on the sea last night. For a beautiful day today and a few minutes on a park bench in the sunshine when I popped out for some odds and ends before leaving for the hospital. For living that proverbial 'short flat walk' from some shops...including Boots where they had some Paracetamol. Yay!

I give thanks for a delayed order of mosaic supplies arriving at last...and for an answer to my query as to why the grout in a shade I'd not tried before just looked white. Apparently it changes colour when you add water. Well, I don't know about you but I think that might be useful information to have in advance...

I give thanks for a good nap during treatment - just what I needed after another bad night and so many busy days. For plans for tomorrow that didn't include a Tesco delivery...and for their text to remind me that I could make changes to the unexpected delivery up until late this evening. I was quite sure I'd booked this delivery for next Tuesday and all my other arrangements for the next seven days both grocery related and otherwise were built around this premise so I wonder if, scrolling back and forth between the weeks trying to find a suitable time and day, I'd ended up on the wrong page and hadn't noticed. I'm very grateful I managed to change it to next week (no mean feat as most slots are usually booked up further ahead than that) as my fridge and freezer are stocked up enough for now...though how well stocked their shelves may be by then depends on the supply chain and other customers of course!

I give thanks I'm beginning to get my head round using my kitchen mixer tap after Clive accidentally connected the pipes up the other way round from how they were before. I suspect I'll just have completely mastered the switch before he changes them back again...

Precious

I give thanks for spotting a rather lovely sunset last night. It has to be a good one that spreads to within my line of sight from the sofa to know to stand up and look out to the right. For a reasonable sleep by steroid standards, waking up when it wasn't still dark, and for a bit of a lie in in the daylight. It's been a busy week!

For a restful and restorative morning pottering around in my nightie crafting and cooking, tidying up and reading my book. For noughties club music livening me up. 

For my psychic shopping skills still working perfectly despite lack of practice recently due to the various contemporary complications. The trick is to review the retail possibilities for an intended purchase and be drawn to the right shop without needing to traipse around. In this instance the original intended purchase was a new bin for Mima's new kitchen that met very particular criteria, but since making the plan to go to a particular store I found myself in the market for one too, with another set of special requirements - and both were there!

I give thanks for a clifftop mini picnic enjoying the sweeping views across the bay before deciding I felt fit enough to go down the woody path to the sea and along the rocky one to the next cove. It's the longest joined up walk I've done for ages and a favourite spot so such a delight - except for my knees and poorly ankle! I was very grateful the cliff railway was still running as just getting up the incline to its lower station was a struggle and I'd never have made it to the top otherwise. For the preciousness of it being possible to do something once taken for granted, and not take it for granted this time...and the sense of having a proper job day out even though it was just half an afternoon and really rather close to home. 

I give thanks for being home now with my tea already made ready to be heated up, and water heating up for my bath. I need to get my sore bits soaking and soothed and safely arranged on the sofa... 

Spare

I give thanks for finding at last some spare time in another busy day. This could have happened earlier, but after the final unit had moved into the kitchen I felt compelled to make a start on re-creating my spare room/craft room space and, rather tiring though that has been, I'm very grateful I did! Even though there's tools and supplies till stored in there, plus some homeless possessions passing through, it already looks and feels so much more spacious and homely. I give thanks for the progress in the kitchen too of course...and plans for the next stage of developments. 

I give thanks for finding a creamy white and firm but rather large cauliflower and Mima saying she'd share it with me. Oh and for the lush little chocolate covered donuts from the bargain basket at the Co op to share with Clive. Light as a feather they were...

I give thanks for picking up a book reserved at the library I've been wanting to read for a while. Audio and e-books have their place but I do like printed words on paper https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/books/2020/jun/25/rummage-by-emily-cockayne-review-the-joys-of-rubbish

For these images from around the world https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/in-pictures-58597718 and images on social media of folk I know having holidays or trips out to special places . I'm truly grateful they seem to be having such a good time...and yes that grating sound you can hear is me gritting what's left of my teeth! I give thanks for bath water waiting to soak what's left of my spine and a non-library book to read while I wallow as there's always they danger it might end up soaking too.

Donated

I give thanks, despite another steroid mangled night, for getting up and out in time to catch the bus before the one I wanted as I knew it would be late. For raiding Poundland for food bank donations, plus biscuits for the tea trolley...and even some items for me though no Paracetamol on the shelves was a disappointment. For being good natured and philosophical when the biscuits were returned as a potential Covid hazard - the ward and its occupants are full of them (including folk who actually have Covid) but I understand the need to feel in control of what you can (including rebel patients). I give thanks I bought biscuits I liked so the food bank and I can share the extra...

I only have a few more days at this higher dose of medication, and can be quite confident of that as it is my decision and I'm sticking to it! My liver is as fixed as it needs to be and the detrimental effect on other body parts causing way too much woe in way too many ways, including how long I bleed after treatment. I give thanks my monthly fistula test had better results this time, however, as the unwlecome thought of surgery has receded a little.

I give thanks for Michelle my home help helpfully collecting some supplies from the health food shop, and for the owners putting together orders for me when required. For her vigorous cleaning, and other services such as taking surplus possessions to the charity shop for me. For receiving a text from her asking if it was all right if she took possession of a notice board I'd left out instead. I was, of course, delighted. I love it when stuff finds its next home.

I give thanks for just discovering that I can unsubscribe from email harassment (or 'alerts' as they put it) from Audible. This is why I avoid apps where possible - they pester you incessantly! I give thanks I'm enjoying being read to though...

I give thanks for a quick tea cooking though I was slow to get off my aches and pains off the sofa and make a start. For still having some paracetamol despite not being able to top up my stash.

Scrappy

I give thanks for the peek-a-boo moon last night and the pain relieving properties of soaking in hot water. For having both a bath and a shower - just the sort of first world luxury we so easily take for granted. For misty mornings, three fruit marmalade and Stephen Fry reading Victorian Secrets!

For having plans for a bit of a day out and scrapping them when I was more than a bit too achy and tired, especially after wrestling with the communal bins as no one else seemed willing. I was pleased I managed to bring the dustbins in after they'd been emptied, but downright delighted with getting the recycling out in time for collection due to my current early waking and the lorries coming round much later at at the moment - a rather satisfying case of two wrongs kind of making a right! Don't know if the neighbour who usually does this is away, ill or on strike but last week none of it was dealt with and the week before only some so the food bin in particular was becoming a bit of a health hazard and I give thanks for the unusual feeling of actually being of some use to others for a change. 

I give thanks for coming up with a second idea for an outing, closer to home and not so much of a change of scene but with less time and effort involved getting to and fro to maintain that delicate balance between physical expenditure and psychological reward. For a relaxing pootle somewhere where the residents are too well heeled to need to cater for the common herd so there's restorative tranquillity for the likes of me and carp may safely graze!

I give thanks for waiting patiently and good naturedly in an ever swelling queue when several buses were stuck in mammoth traffic jams at the other end of the route...before remembering I could also catch a quiet, cool, almost empty train almost to my door. It may be strange to base your choice of home location on ease of getting away from it but I give thanks it works for me! 

Cheap

Talk is cheap, and though the word on the virtual street might be that I'm always perky and positive, some days my emotional resistance is very low. This morning, after more than the usual amount of limitations and frustrations, malfunctions of my body and various inanimate objects ( to say nothing of the world in general!) not being able to buy one of those delicious spicy pasties at the best baker's as they were 'waiting for some to come in' almost had me in tears, so I was very grateful (after a short sulk in the park) for going to a less prestigious bun shop where they had a pasty with the exact same long name for a whole pound less. Obviously I had to buy one to try one, and only had a little nibble as I wanted it for the morning, but there seems to be no discernible difference except the price so I reckon that's where I'll be getting them from from now on...as long as they aren't waiting for them to come in too! Clearly not in house baking is it? Oh well, I give thanks for finding something so lush...and for a slab of durable but hopefully edible cake to go with it for a picnic lunch tomorrow - whether I feel strong enough to make it to the great outdoors or partake of it semi horizontal on the sofa.

I give thanks for applying myself to various applications over the last twenty four hours - new railcard, warm home discount, access to the mycare system - all of which require a wait to see if the process has been successful or more hoops have to be clambered through. For trying out some new furniture paint which failed all tests of ease of application, but showed considerable skill at leaping out of a jar of water in which used brushes were soaking and soaking the bathroom floor. I give thanks I have sealed tiles...and old towels! For finally signing up to Audible after waiting for them to improve their offer to 99p for the first month and free for the next two...For finding Parasite to watch on the Prime 99p deal (great movie if you like dark!) and one more film for tonight before I cancel. For a quick and easy supper, a telefest and a long soak in the bath on the agenda for the evening.

Worn

There always seems to be so much on the to do list so I give thanks today, as I've been feeling totally worn out, for ripping it up and mostly resting instead. 

Pretty much the only task that survived was going Sainsbury's to see if I could use an offer for extra Nectar points on clothing purchases. The racks were rather bare with nothing I wanted to wear, but I was delighted to nab one of the last packs of their own brand spicy bean burgers and a can of rhubarb - both out of stock at the store I get my online orders from. Shopping can be quite a challenge in these strange times, but there is the extra satisfaction to enjoy when you find items you want...and also, when you're without private transport, for a late running earlier bus arriving when you're waiting for one which is also delayed or maybe not coming at all!

I give thanks another part of my mission was to call in at Jo's on the way to shop...and for that turning out just fine including the weather becoming unexpectedly warm and sunny just in time to sit in her pretty garden with tea and cake! 

Homemade

I give thanks for having such a substantial snooze late yesterday that staying up for the final tennis match was no hardship at all

...though I'm grateful it wasn't a five setter! For not waking up absurdly early this morning (though earlier than I'd have preferred) and for getting back on the case of missing meds and mistimed appointments as soon as the relevant folk were at their desks. For partial success in my endeavours. Oh, and that reminds me, for realising as I abandoned terrestrial TV yesterday, that a new series of Endeavour has just started. How grateful I am for catch up services...no waiting for a repeat broadcast, or trying to find someone who had 'taped' it. 

I give thanks for woolly socks for my frozen toes and a hot water bottle tucked behind my back...for homemade(ish) pie cooking in the oven and the immersion heater on. For a nurse agreeing that it had gone very cold before I left the unit, as I was beginning to wonder if I had something (else) the matter with me, apart from being dressed for an end of summer day instead of the start of an autumn evening. 

Choosy

I give thanks for pretty skies at both sundown and sunrise, plus the bright crescent moon hanging low above the rooftops in between. For trying to take it easy, which feels very necessary today, while achieving some of the goals that also seemed to be so.  For making a choice of suppers while I was in cooking mode...despite not being in much of an eating mode...and washing up all the pots and pans!  For choosing to snooze where possible after staying up late to watch the women's US Open final and waking up far too much in the night.

I give thanks that Sainsbury's send an email on delivery day saying what they will not be bringing as it's out of stock so I had the chance (and just about enough energy) to pop to the local shops and see if they had what I wanted instead...and what astonishing price rises had been implemented before I last purchased those products! 

Orange

My future may not be that bright but I give thanks the recent past has contained such mood lightening delights as catching both men's semi finals plus highlights of the women's, eating delicious homemade cake to the sound of live guitar playing and singing and visiting a small but perfectly formed orangery not far from here with its lush and beautifully tended plants. I also acquired some worktop ends for my breakfast bar-to-be plus a B&Q coloured bucket for the princely sum of 99p, and was so impressed by the second hand book stand in their entrance with proceeds going to Shelter I bought a paperback there to prove it. Well done that diy merchant!

I give thanks for Mima wanting to go to these places too so I was chauffeured about, for seeing a few folk I've not seen for some time (most of whom recognised me despite the steroid moon face!)...and for not seeing anyone for quite some time as well so I could do some important battery recharging. For almost sorting out arranging getting hold of missing meds after lots of phone calls and texts...and lots of lounging on the sofa for soothing fatigue and aches and pains. 

Important

It's thirteen years ago I was finally formally diagnosed with cancer...so a host of memories and emotions today. Always I think of the people I knew who were well when I started my journey, or healthier than I was any rate, but took sick and died along the way. They were so loved and precious and important to their partners and families and I've often wished I could have said I'd go instead. I give thanks for remembering everyone is important in their own way, even if it doesn't show. 

The other thing that invariably happens on this anniversary is I want to feel fussed over, and cared for and nurtured...or, as that is rarely possible, to do something a bit special for myself. Dialysis days are not bursting with opportunities for this kind of thing so I give thanks when I woke up too early as is the norm on my meds, I got up and made myself pineapple and ginger pudding for breakfast...and tea... though I will have something else sensible as well of course. Also for signing up for that one week extra of Prime for 99p they keep offering me so I can watch replays of the closing US Open matches, which due to the time difference I wouldn't watch live anyway. For a fine excuse to avoid the news which I've paid far too much attention to the last eighteen months.

I've not felt like talking (or listening!) to anyone so I give thanks for mostly managing to avoid it, but for having a couple of moments of true communication with members of staff to remind me I'm not just a pile of electronic notes and a failing body. One of them touched my arm gently when she realised she'd touched a (metaphoric) nerve asking about my cancer treatment...and another, from the Philippines, astonished me by explaining how many of them envy Europeans' height, prominent noses and different coloured eyes and hair. This jolted me out of my gloomy mood a little as I know I'm not the only one who wishes I had their dainty beauty, dusky skin and resistance to signs of age. It's important not to lose sight of completely at odds different perspectives can be. 

Drawn

I give thanks it's almost Friday - it's been a rewarding but wearying week and for most of this Thursday I've been grateful to do very little but snack and snooze and be drawn into unusually mindless TV for me* I'd been very drawn to the prospect of going nowhere and seeing no one but then Clive offered to come and do a couple more kitchen jobs this evening so that didn't quite go according to plan, but I was grateful for further improvements - particularly attachment of handles to new drawers and cupboards! Soft close is very pleasing but hard to open not so much...and it's amazing how much more finished it all looks now that small(ish) task is done. 

I give thanks we've had some rain today. For the clean washed feel to the air afterwards. For some dramatic fiery topped storm clouds at sunset. For planning ahead and having a large lunch so I wasn't trying to make my tea while work was going on. For a spot of supper and bath time on the way... 

*In the spring I was on a bus waiting a long time at traffic lights where they were filming a dating game show down the road and saw some folk walking past I was sure were probably in it rather than crew, so had to watch to check - right?

Misplaced

I give thanks that people write books, and thus I get a chance to read them and be educated, or entertained or simply turn my mind away from anything I'd rather not think of! For all the years I genuinely expected I'd write one too...in fact for all the bright (if somewhat misplaced) belief I had in my future for so much of my past.

For managing to face the day on far too little sleep due to meds again, plus a complete lack of motivation for anything on the agenda...and for fitting in a bit of creativity instead (with craft stuff and well as other aspects of life!) before setting off for the hospital. For being fairly philosophical about long delays at the unit caused by a water failure early on in the day (they need a lot of water to clean all that blood!) and, though far less so regarding the remote control in the room next door turning the TV on in mine when I'd just drifted into yoga nidra sleep, for some catching up with a few of those precious lost zzzz's later on in the session.

For homemade lentil stew from the freezer defrosted and ready for my tea, with buttered broccoli...nom nom nom. For appreciating its tastiness is partly due to my meds modified diet of course...

Spicy

Woohoo! Found a container that perfectly fits both my kitchen drawer and my spice and herb jars...it's the preformed plastic liner provided for the interior haha! I'm not normally a fan of these as they rarely seem the right size or shape for what I intend to put in them (the cutlery in the cutlery drawer for instance!) but I'm a great fan of things that serendipitously and unexpectedly fill spaces and fulfil purposes, and as I already have a cutlery tray thingy that does the other job just fine I will have two drawers full of gratitude when I can be bothered to sort them out.

I give thanks for sorting out a picnic instead today to take down to the cove and share with Mima on the most gloriously warm and sunny afternoon, including a Keralan cauliflower, chickpea and onion bhaji pasty from the best baker in town. Takes almost as long to type it as to eat it but absolutely delicious it was, I'll be having one of those again for sure. For the Mediterranean weather and the mellowness of the spot and for paddling in my cozzy which seemed highly unlikely to happen this year. For leftovers waiting for my tea and warm bathwater waiting to soak my aches and pains which have been a bit of a trial today. For dealing with the medical profession who have been a bit of one too (the feeling is mutual I'm sure!) and coming to a tentative 'deal'. Ooh and managing to move fast enough to catch sight of a Chinook thundering past while idling in recovery from my jaunt..

Messy

Oof, that was a bit of a day! I give thanks that it was warm and sunny and I managed to be outside for some of it, doing some essentials in town before I left for the hospital, and leaving for the hospital early for some also somewhat essential sitting on some grass under pretty trees with a cuppa and a piece of not too sweet cake. For a bush full of starlings. 

I give thanks the messed up bus schedule finally provided two, and the first one went straight into the city instead of taking village detours so I wasn't too late...to wait for dialysis as they were delayed too. 

For fitting in a small snooze a little between various messages back and forth with Clive and Rachel regarding the evening's proceedings...and eventually all working out so as nothing more was required of me at all. 

For nurses also eventually stemming the fountain of blood gushing from my arm after treatment. For Peter being there to drive me home even though I was a little later still and for Clive managing to remove all the ex kitchen cupboard bits before I arrived. The living room seems so much bigger without that heap (plus more in the spare room) and if I want to get something from behind the table I don't have to climb over it to get there! 

Sinking

I give thanks for a few things to make me smile today, probably most of all the sight of my new sink fleetingly in situ to check how it will fit when it's a fixture...and the bike and trike show on the green - all sorts of black beasts and shiny coloured lightweights plus an old guy band playing songs from my youth and even older ladies (possibly from unrelated coach visits) jigging around to the music.

I give thanks also for lots of progress in the kitchen, much of it behind the scenes or, as I'm exchanging old white units for new, not as noticeable as the next stages including worktops and floor will be. For all the old cupboards out of there now (and due to be out of the flat tomorrow) and everything but the kitchen sink one replaced.

I give thanks for a short soothing paddle after Clive had left, and some snoozing on the sofa. I've been very grateful for the weekend's events, but have missed my usual recharge activities and am feeling rather tired. There are misplaced items all around the place and, detrimental to my restfulness though this usually might be, I give thanks moving them to more suitable storage spots, let alone deciding on permanent homes can wait for now. For sinking back into the cushions while a simple supper cooks on the agenda instead.  

Fruitful

When my ship comes in I'll have my own private dialysis clinic and treatment at times to suit me. If I had one already I'd have been able to go and watch a beautiful topsail schooner (yes, I looked that up!) make her way into the port down the road a way as part of a maritime and sea shanty festival yesterday. As I don't, I give thanks for social media for telling me what I was going to miss...and then providing me with photos and video to make up for it!

I give thanks for the hazy mellow sunshine of an early autumn day...and how much more mellowness there is about the town with a few less, or maybe just less frenetic tourists around. For some fruitfulness in Clive's endeavours in the kitchen, and for philosophical acceptance of the times where the kitchen fought back. For the sink being out of action tonight so a fine excuse for a picnic supper and not doing the washing up! 

For a loaded punnet of cherry toms from the 50p table at the farm shop - which, of course, I will share and some very nice chocolate orange ice creams from the Co op which I already did. 

I give thanks for staying mostly upright despite much weariness today...but feeling comfortable enough to take to my bed for a nap during a quiet part of the proceedings. For the classic chrome cupboard handles I'm salvaging scrubbing up a treat. Very trendily 'mid century' they are!

General

I give thanks I almost finished my new linen trousers this morning but then the sun broke through the clouds before the crowds broke out of wherever they hide away and I was even more grateful for a few minutes watching the glittery water and splashy plumes of foam along the coast as the tide came very purposefully in. For the half waves running along the side of the stone jetty, and the surf in general making so much noise it masked the screams of children playing chicken. 

I give thanks for a good afternoon on the unit despite the current challenges, and a jolly ride home investigating a lane with a name of a military rank for a van rumoured to sell 'global' street food  - but not tonight! 

I give thanks I had yummy leftover barley stew for my tea anyway, and for wolfing it down before Clive and Sally dropped off loads of tools and equipment for the work he's planning to get on with this weekend. 

Uncomfortable

The majority of my human interactions involve people I hardly know doing rather unpleasant physical things to me, which is clearly not in my best psychological interest, no matter that their intentions are good! I give thanks I hadn't realised quite how much I was dreading a dentist I'd never met at all checking out a broken tooth this afternoon as my lovely usual chap wasn't available...until the practice rang to say he'd seen me on the list and moved appointments round as he thought I'd be more comfortable with him. I was even more grateful then! He took one look at my unmasked face and asked if I'd changed my medication too...the other one wouldn't have known I don't normally look like this. 

For mustering the strength to get there and back on a day of aches and feeling rather rough. For the sea being a bit rough as well. Nice to see some waves, and remember why they're rebuilding that wall. For finding a tray to hold my spice jars in the drawer...as long as I keep the drawer open as it's a mm or two too high for it to shut! Oh well, I'm sure it will come in useful for something else.

For managing to refrain from inflicting violence on the woman crunching a paper carrier on the bus seat behind me...the mindlessly tunelessly humming one was bad enough. Misophonia and public transport are not a happy match! 

For, after a minor tussle or two, managing to opt out 'permanently' from breast cancer screening ..really no need to put myself through that now, is there? Also for it being a less arduous task than opting out of the cervical sort, which is a ludicrously difficult and demeaning process. Anyone would think we live in a patronising patriarchal society eh? 

Contained

I give thanks for a sound sleep - if not nearly enough of it. For the autumnal sound of the crows...and, I suppose, for the autumnal feel in the air though I don't feel I've had nearly enough summer yet either! For my voracious appetite today as I could do with another couple of kilos of insulation before the temperature drops much more.

I give thanks for having a lot more get up and go than yesterday, and heading into the city early for stage one of my quest to find a box or tray to go inside a new kitchen drawer and hold my spice jars and packets. As nothing I found was remotely the right dimensions, I'm grateful for thinking of a few more less accessible places I could try some other time...and also for some thinking outside the box (!)  with ideas for different types of container that might do like a roasting tin or seed tray. For buying some biscuits to take into the unit to share instead. We've not been given the official go ahead to do this again but a couple of patients have already rebelled and supplemented digestive/rich tea option (if we are lucky!) and it's usually very welcome indeed. For finding ginger nuts and shorties which are not too sweet for my current tastes, and bargains for topping up the food bank supplies next time. 

I give thanks for being sent pictures of the finished work that's been going on outside - especially as I had been going to ask for some. Looks so much better, and also much better able to deal with the rain as we now have replacement guttering connecting to the down pipes and a few new slates on the roof as well as a lick of paint. 

I give thanks for almost instant tea from the fridge, freezer and cupboard shelves. For non- instant hot water...but it heating up in the old fashioned way for a bath anyway.