Filling time

What a beautiful morning it was here today! Mild and sunny and oh-what-am-I-doing-stuck-indoors-ish... What I was doing was preparing for a visit from Bob the builder to put up a bit of timber for me in the bedroom with the windows wide open all around the place. He did such a neat job and so pleasantly and I started on making my new door curtain so it was all good! For a couple of hours...and then, I'm not sure if it was a sea mist that came up or a hill fog that came down but it was a bit of a white out weatherwise which was fine as I'd become wiped out energy wise too.

So I've had some soup and rice cakes and am dozing on the sofa happy with what's been achieved but open to 'second wind' if it should happen. The first job I had on my list for this afternoon was filling on and around the timber but that's been done already as part of the not-diy so I'm on schedule for job two...ie wait for filler to dry!

I give thanks for finding tucked away on mid week nights on ITV 3 (and recording) a Danish cop drama! Mmmm...Danish cop dramas are as hard to resist as Danish pastries! Made me chuckle though that one reason put forward as to why we were all hooked on The Killing was that we didn't 'know' the actors so couldn't have preconceptions or memories of other roles. Well, if you watch Those Who Kill you'll see some familiar faces...oh, and a maverick woman detective as well...and bare trees and snow of course!

I give thanks for having a chill out now that it's chilly...for a mug of warm tea and a shortbread biscuit and cosy socks and throw...and Ashley Banjo's smile...

Magic word

I am so tired today so perhaps I'd better give thanks for the chance to practice recuperation... If I stand up I want to sit down and if I sit down I fall asleep! And, in a similar spirit, gratitude for the nurse being so late so that most of what I thought of doing I could dismiss with an 'Oh, it's not worth starting that in case they come and interrupt'!

I'm grateful for the More 4 multi coloured turning triangles on the side of a boat and a beach boardwalk...especially pleasing! And I've admired the grey still day that matches my lethargy.

I give thanks that the reduced price throw I bought the other day IS machine washable even though it suggested better not! And I give thanks that thinking of that moved me to get my sewing machine out...interruptions or not!

So I got my sewing machine out...and got down the door curtain that I planned to cunningly cover with part of this bargain throw and just as I was measuring them up together the phone rang and it was one of the nicer nurses Trevor and after he'd been (and we'd had a good laugh as usual) I felt motivated to spread a couple of spoonfuls of filler on the ancient bit of wall I've recently uncovered in the bedroom. So there you go the day has been 'productive' after all!

I also got a letter ready to send to Kostas which included this story though not as a link of course http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2106384/Rapper-Kieron-Bryan-jailed-25-years-codebreaker-exposes-gangland-hitman.html that an ex colleague shared on Facebook as she lives in near Llanfair but which I think deserves a wider audience. I mean seriously...you couldn't make it up!

Finally... just a reminder to dispose of your unicorns responsibly please...

Crunch time

Today I give multiple sorts of thanks for Dr Galli whom I've seen for the last time as, at almost seventy, he's 'really' retiring now. He feels someone should be giving me the care and attention he has for the last few months (don't we all?) and asked me if I had any preferences as to which of his colleagues to refer me to. Mustering all my diplomacy, I suggested one of the newish, youngish women on the team who I've heard has a holistic attitude approach and he agreed she was an excellent choice and he would have a chat with her. I liked the feeling of being consulted about consultation...

He also said I'd confounded everyone...I like that too. I mean I like that I've confounded everyone...and I like that they mention it from time to time and treat me with the respect and awe that's due, ha ha! I said, as I always do, that I wish they'd find out HOW I've managed to confound everyone so they can bottle it and pass it round! Maybe there's a genetic element...though my father died of cancer pretty much everwhere so maybe not. Of course the official line is that I just responded remarkably well to a very abbreviated course of chemo but my official response to that is...well then please find out why so this stops being remarkable and confounding and becomes the norm...

Anyway, I'm also grateful for getting my pre op assessment date through already...next week (gulp)! For Eastcliff cafe being open for post medical matters refreshment and for meeting some new people to help with chores courtesy of the wonderful Teignmouth Catholic church congregation and wider community. I'm not a member but have come into contact with a few who are and whose hearts are in the right place which, as you've probably spotted, is not necessarily a side effect of faith...

I'm grateful for much lazing around in the latter part of the day. For sunset on my phone wallpaper. For my upstairs neighbour being home but not, as yet, pouring water through the ceiling. Of course it could be too wet already to tell... And for my downstairs neighbour coming up yesterday to see where the water coming into HIS flat was coming from and being suitably horrified reaction on seeing mine. As I've said before, there's no point getting worked up about it but the more people getting worked up on my behalf the better! And for Ryvita fruit crunch. Mmmm

Twenty words

A good long sleep
Sunny mild weather
The nice neighbour downstairs
Electricity and the internet
Filler and paint
My penfriend

Fit for purpose

So Saturday came and did I feel it was Sunday? Er, no, I just felt tired! Well wouldn't you be on an eight day week? That's just reminded me...before a last ditch attempt to get a 'proper job' in my forties (just after trying out university actually) I used to do several things part time. All kinds of things...office work, shop work, care work, cafe work, craft work, classroom assistant, cleaning, light manual labour... All of these jobs are OK a few hours at a time and because a change is as good as a rest ...and the pay is not the best... I'd work weeks without a full day off sometimes. Now it just feels as if I do! I'm grateful for (most of) the many experiences though. It helps with the avoidance of solipsism. And I give thanks to Jared for reminding me enough times what solipsism means so now I actually remember!

I've stripped a little more wallpaper off the very stubborn wall (I'm saving the rest of the easy one for a treat!) and yesterday evening reclaimed my bedroom as a usable area by covering up the bits that look worse than before I started with screens and old net curtains. In the process of making it homely and welcoming for the night I discovered a new way of arranging the furniture. It's a very small room with a brass style double bed and a big merchant's style chest of drawers and there aren't many ways of altering where they go without actually dismantling them and rebuilding in a new spot, especially as a) I hate  double beds pushed up against the wall and b) I like to be able to open the drawers! But last night I found a way so there is now room even for a little folding chair by the window! The room looks and feels far more spacious and comfortable even without the 'extension' into the living room originally planned. And as an extra bonus, as the exposed floor space is a different shape, none of the rugs I've coveted that have sold out or sold at a silly price would have fitted it!

One of the advantages of sleeping on the single bed in the living room is that it has a wooden slatted base under the mattress which suits me as I prefer a firm bed. The bedroom bed has square wire mesh which is more springy and I was wondering if I could attach some slats in some way. I remembered I had some unused laminate floor boards stored in a dry place...not my mouldering store. I got a few out to try and they were longer than I remembered and I thought they might need sawing which is too strenuous for me and a bit heavy handed for a mere experiment anyway but...get this...they fit precisely inside the frame on top of the mesh! Could have been made for the job and hope to get a couple more out some energetic time soon and space them out evenly all along the bed. I give gratitude for more 'support' and respect to the cosmos for its sense of humour!

I'm grateful for mild weather so the windows can be open for drying and airing and not too much sunshine so I feel I'm missing a day. I'm grateful for reading in National Geographic that Venus and the crescent moon will appear in proximity tonight though it's so murky I'm not sure we'll be able to distinguish the sky here let alone celestial bodies...

As the water in the kitchen is at the final spread and stain stage (for now) I've been able to reclaim that corner of the kitchen again (for now). It's dripped under the worktop before so I got everything out just in case and this time it didn't and I am actually grateful for that as it's in a difficult place to catch when it does. I've been quite busy so far since I finally got out of bed and I've been writing this in the sitting downy bits which is why it's so long!...I'm aiming for a maximum of twenty words tomorrow OK?

Rolling with it...

So...correct me if I'm wrong but I get the impression that as far as vast expanses of water go you prefer this one...

To this one...
Hmmm, well I think I'm with you on that!








Here's the thing though...the leak is breaking my kitchen but I'm not going to let it break my heart, neither metaphorically nor literally! The most common cause of death among those whose kidneys are failing is actually heart disease. Reduced kidney function can make your blood pressure rise and high blood pressure makes your kidneys worse. Somehow or other (garlic? meditation?) I'm keeping mine pretty much OK but best not to get stressed about stuff you cannot change, eh? Heads will eventually roll over the second scene...and repairs and restoration work be done...but in the meantime I'm keeping the first one in my head!

I still keep thinking it's Saturday...town was strangely empty and the beachside cafe shut so on this evidence maybe actually it's Christmas day! Anyway I give thanks that I got out and got to watch the sea without too much moaning and groaning and huffing and puffing...just a little, not a lot! It was mostly flat and calm but with occasional long low rollers beginning to rise as the tide receded.

I went to Tibbs and Tiggs and found a big stripey textured throw that I'd thought looked good at thirty pounds before Christmas but which looked even lovelier reduced to ten and just had to bring home with me...It is large enough for two sewing projects I have planned so that's great! Gratitude too for a gap in feeling crap late this afternoon so I could finish making my bedroom temporarily usable again and also do a little more towards making it permanently perfect. Well insofar as anything is...

Knotty problem

Keep thinking it's Saturday today...yesterday had a sort of Friday feeling and the impression has carried on. I also keep meaning to share this link about modern technology being put to a mighty fine use...http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-17081573 so there, that's that done!

I've been checking back through my blog to see which day I was bricklaying or playing rugby as surely no one would ache this much from making cups of tea and sitting about drinking them which is pretty much all I did yesterday...but then thinking about it, it was all I did yesterday because everything ached so much then! Oh well, there's nothing much that I must get done today..I'd like to do done more work in the bedroom of course...even a couple of ten minute shifts with filler or scraper or sandpaper would be good but we'll see...the thing I really want to do is see the sea...I mean up close at a restorative proximity...if I could just get down the hill under my own steam maybe it would walk off some of the pain and then I could have a cuppa and a toasted tea cake and pick up a few necessaries and a cab home. Worth a try anyway, don't you think? If I can just get through the first challenge of getting ready...

I give thanks for uploading the latest pictures from my camera last night partly so I could show you what I'm dealing with in the leak department...but especially because I'd forgotten there were a few shots from my trip away on there that made me go oooh in a much nicer way than aches and pains and which I know one or two of you will go oooh about in a good way too...so, bear with me while I get that together...

This is one of my favourites...the memorial flowers look so pretty and even though I don't know who they were for I admired their choice of view...

and it kind of goes with this view from the breakwater looking up to where the flowers were...I'll do some more another time. My hands are troublesome today and there are buttons and zips and socks and shoelaces and hair tangles to deal with yet!


Special thanks to Lush's R&B hair reviver which combined with copious elbow grease can actually get a brush eventually through the latter! May all your knots be little ones today...

Splash down

Mrs upstairs came home long enough to recreate the water feature in the kitchen today. No I'm not grateful for that but I am grateful for spotting it starting which gave me the necessary jolt to get started on the day's chores and I'm grateful I'm not letting it get to me. It's hard to believe it's not malicious or wilfully negligent...I mean for this much to be coming into my flat surely there must be quite a lot running free and unfettered upstairs. It's also coming through in different areas which seems a bit suspicious as a leak or overflow doesn't normally wander around. Oh well, wetter things happen at sea...

I give thanks that my wall prep in the bedroom looks good now covered with lining paper. Thanks Laura! Most of two walls have got to this stage now and though not super smooth they are hugely improved. She also helped me partly make and move my bed into the 'done' corner so some other bits can be brought up to speed if I feel up to doing more and have a clean up so I can just doze around in there if not. I was going to move back in there tonight but it still smells a bit pastey so not sure. I'm really ready just to slide under the covers as soon as I've finished this so perhaps I'll do just that - reversing the process of ten hours ago! Think some remote control controlling is what is required until time for evening meds. Oh, my am I grateful for my remote control!

Just my luck

Hmmm...yes...it's kind of amusing to think it could take many weeks to get back to my current state of health after my op. Amusing if you could see the state of me today and have a 'sick' sense of humour! Luckily it makes me chuckle...I'm kind of on Tony's 10 minute rule so far...well as long as I can have a couple of minutes' break mid shift (even a typing shift!) Getting washed and dressed is a bridge too far so far but I've 'got up' in as much as I'm 'sitting on the sofa' in my pjs having rearranged the covers rather than 'lying in bed' under them. I'm a bit peckish but only Jaffa cakes within reach and much as I love them I feel something more is required.

So...apart from the opportunity to whinge what am I grateful for...For a bit of an appetite, and for food to eat if I can be bothered to get off my bum! For my Laidback laptop table... which is its name, not me being an old hippy with a dodgy left hand that hits the shift button when it doesn't mean to though all of the above may be true! For the OU Disabled Students Association for providing me with this bit of kit, along with others, to enable me to complete my degree. For the possibility that the pain will go away when the Paracetamol kicks in...Oh wow! that's reminded me of something great...I bought a National Geographic in the hospital shop as I was early for my appointment and didn't want to trust the waiting room offerings to entertain. Is it just me or do those second hand magazines make you feel worse with their 'top tips' for all manner of matters irrelevant to your cancer invaded lifestyle? Well the National Geographic a) fitted into my bag and b) had images of tsunami devastation and Papuan nomads who had pretty much no access to medical care at all unless they walk across forested mountains...and so reminded me to feel incredibly lucky to be sitting in a hospital waiting room waiting to see a surgeon about helping me with my illness and only an hour's journey away from home by public transport. It's that old perspective thing again you know? I was too keyed up to actually read the words of course but I have them yet to come...

Right it's after mid day...which do I choose...a shower or food? I could manage one but not both in one go. I could set up one of those blog polls couldn't I? Anyway, I hope you're all feeling stronger than I today...and if not you are not a Papuan nomad! Warm thoughts to you all unless you're running a fever in which case whhoooo...(that's me blowing on you to cool you down!)

Men at work

Thanks for the lovely soft mizzle drizzle rain today (Yes Pat and Rachel...thanks! I love it!) and for some of the above who have made me smile going about their business... The squaddies very clearly visible from the top deck of a double decker bus despite their camouflage as they were in ordinary coloured classrooms at the barracks at the time... The lone railway worker strolling across a little deserted cove by the tracks and hopefully thinking 'Wow, how lucky am I?' The town bus driver at changeover saying to his replacement...'Everything's normal, nothing's not working and none of the students have any change!' We all had a laugh at that...

And to the surgeon Mr McGrath for confirming that for someone with lymph node mets so far from the primary site the prognosis is not good and the major surgery required for a cystectomy and urostomy is not recommended as the two to three month recovery period is not considered a worthwhile way to spend their limited time..............................but because I have so resoundingly bucked the trend, confounded predictions and thoroughly gobsmacked the entire team then the answer is YES YES YES!!! From both the oncological and the renal point of view it could increase life expectancy and as I've made it clear I'd like to be in a cozzy on the beach this summer (never mind the quantity feel the quality folks!) we are aiming for the end of March or beginning of April. My emotions are all over the place but, apart from feeling kind of guilty that virtual friends are hearing so much bad news lately and mine is not and a natural trepidation at the next rather large step on this journey...they are in a pretty good place, you know...

Chill time

Hey guess what? Bob's music was on Sky 1 last night! He's been working with DJ Janette Slack and she was on Gadget Geeks reviewing decks and playing bits of their tunes.... We both think this is pretty awesome! I give thanks for a son who likes to make people dance...well, not make them exactly...not in a hot coals or electrodes on the feet way anyway! Inspire them to is a better way of putting it perhaps...

No pancakes for me today I think as I had a delicious tortilla style omelette in two instalments for breakfast and lunch...leeks, potatoes, mushrooms...a pinch of mixed herbs and a handful of grated cheddar. I give thanks for grating a lot of cheddar in my food processor on Sunday so I don't have to do more for a day or two. I am feeling very feeble today with the boring old bugs and neither hand grating nor processor washing appeals so it's great to be able to just grab it and sprinkle!

I give thanks for completing other necessary chores and settling down for a major rest fest on the sofa with my trusty remote control. I give thanks for a nice nurse visit. I give thanks for this yummy easy recipe that I have been making on and off for more than forty years apart from the bit when I lost the cookbook but the internet hadn't been invented to search for it again. I'd actually forgotten it existed until I saw it on Australian Come Dine with Me a couple of years ago. You can make it with limes or limes and lemons and change the biscuits in the base. Or not make a base and serve biscuits with it...it tastes fab and far posher than you'd think from the recipe which is hardly harder than Angel Delight. Oh no...I've started thinking about Angel Delight now...butterscotch....Mmmm

For the base:
4oz (approx 125g) digestive biscuits
2oz (approx 50g) butter
1 level tablespoon of sugar

For the top:
1/4 pint of double cream
6oz can of condensed milk
2 large lemons

Melt the butter, add the crushed biscuits and sugar, press into ramekins or a flan dish and bake for a few minutes on a low heat and leave to cool.

Grate the lemon zest and squeeze the juice. Whisk together the cream, condensed milk and lemon zest. Gradually add lemon juice whisking as you go til it starts to get thick then pour on the base and chill for a few hours...(You and the pie!)

Two weeks ago I was here...hard to believe now. Tomorrow I have acupuncture (yes, different day this week) and have to go to the hospital and will not get home til late. I may not get round to writing my blog...I'm telling you now so you don't fret OK? You can text or message me if you want but I might not reply to those either though if I contact you, you HAVE to reply understand? Just joking...just chill...eat pudding and admire the view...

Dog's dinner

I hardly ever watch TV in the mornings...even when I'm sleeping in a room with a TV I rarely turn it on in the first part of the day and only ever watch something actually broadcast at the time if I need to know the time! However...this morning I was going to look through my digital library whilst having a cuppa and I didn't even know what channel the TV was on but it appeared to be showing a film. A few moments passed during which I wasn't even sure what language they were speaking and then they cut back to the studio and it was BBC1 and the presenter said it was a clip from Red Dog and turned to Louis de Bernieres! I'd heard they'd made a film of this wonderful book, based on a wonderful true story and apparently it has just been released over here. It's not often I want to see a movie enough to consider actually going to a cinema but I must see where and when it is on...and also if it's available to watch by any other means as, as far as I know, up to now the best way was to go to Australia! Not that I've anything against that per se you understand but it would be a lengthy and costly way to go about it! In the meantime...if you haven't read the book then do...it's brilliant, moving and funny too It was quite brilliant seeing Louis de Bernieres too, albeit briefly, and hearing him being diplomatic about 'adaptations'...Much gratitude for the book, the film and the TV program and also the writer of course...

'What am I alive for anyway?' sang Nina Simone and I've pondered that many times but I can only think it's to spread joy however I can. It took me some years to work out how to do this after discovering that for most human beings most of the time my presence was not a source of...and then I began to understand I could do it through pixels or squiggles and lines and dots...sometimes in arrangements of my own making and sometimes by directing people to how others have organised theirs....

I'm grateful for staying mostly cosy during a rather chilly night and for getting up relatively early to attend to various chores. They had to be done this morning as this afternoon I went out for tea and cake with Helen. This was her birthday treat and I thought she meant in a cafe in town so was delighted when she suggested somewhere else in the grounds of a castle not far away that was an extra treat to go to. There are pretty views...including deer and, this time of year, snow drop drifts too. They have a couple of the kinds of shops where you admire a great deal and buy not a lot and also serve delicious food. I had lemon, lime and ginger cheesecake. More anti nausea and vitamin C then with a bit of protein too, ha ha! I hadn't a clue what you were on about when I first read your comment Juanita...

I give thanks for my afternoon tea and Helen's company and for us bumping into a mutual acquaintance...from work eight years ago! I give thanks for the lovely friendly pharmacy in town and for the cauliflower cheese I made yesterday knowing I'd be grateful for a home made dinner I didn't have to cook!

Divine

Oh my, I was just watching a QIXL from last year and Stephen Fry was talking about the Aboriginal tribe who use compass directions instead of left and right and in front and behind...I was delighted as I'm the only person I know who knows about this. It's linguistic he said...and then I remembered his (rave) review on the cover on the linguistic book it was in! It's a brilliant book...I wish I could remember what it's called as I'd like to read it again! Oh well, I'm grateful I have done once... It's a shame I wasn't a contestant on that show as I knew about the man who got stuck in a cloud too. I give thanks for Jack Dee doing a French accent...that's about as random as it gets I think...though I've only had communication from two other people today and they've both mentioned 'bulk storage' of QI which is also slightly so...

I give thanks for putting the second coat on the few metres of skirting and picture rail I first coated earlier...and for undercoating a bit of something else...and doing a spot of filling, and some ironing, and making a big cauliflower cheese to freeze in portions, and doing a big pile of washing up and tidying in the kitchen and for rearranging the diy cupboard. I must have super powers because I've watched shedloads of TV in between and have been effectively in bed for the last couple of hours and I'm genuinely puzzled as to how I've fitted all these other things in! Well, I'm grateful for my superpowers too... And for Divine dark chocolate with ginger and orange - part of my birthday gift from Bob. I've never had it before and it's delicious...hey, you don't think it maybe gives you super powers do you? Perhaps that's why it's called 'Divine'...

Spent

Not long finished putting the first coat of satinwood on the accessible paintwork in my bedroom and have a few hours to muster the strength for a second one this afternoon...or not as the case may be. Last night I was thinking of all the things I might do in the drying time but so far this is as energetic as it gets!

As a child I would hear an expression about someone's eyes being bigger than their tummy...I guess these days people just keep right on eating anyway... They are more likely to have wishlists bigger than their wallets maybe or, for anyone like me, have intentions that outstrip capability. I mentally over spend my energy reserves more than my financial ones with plans and schemes for what I'd like to use them for... I am grateful for being in such incredibly good nick for someone who is expected to be so sick and I guess that's the downside of being relatively well, that you can be easily felled by relative illness... I give thanks to my valiant kidney for doing its best and for my other bodily parts for also managing remarkably well with the chemical imbalances that result in its best not being perfect. I give thanks that I am still here, still valiant myself.

I give thanks for still bright sunshine today and for yesterday's strong winds and torrential rain... and I'm grateful that ebay bidding on the 1960s Persian rug I had my eye on has intensified so I can bow out gracefully with just a little sigh. It was for my redecorated bedroom and redecoration has only just started so I'm sure something will turn up nearer the time... This week I should find out if I can have that operation or not so might be clearer on when work should be finished by or at least comfortably suspended for maximum ease of recuperation...or deterioration...

Movement

More gratitude for Got to Dance...it's so good we're getting to see more full length auditions this year... It makes for handy sit down size chunks of TV when I need rests in between getting bits of decorating chores done or housework or cooking or whatever...adjustable according to how much rest is required at the time or how much time before I have to get up and do something else again. I also find it quite uplifting...no pun intended!

Particular thanks for the special delight of seeing people in wheelchairs dancing, people with Downs syndrome dancing, anyone past forty, any kind of couples or family members, any kind of traditional dancing, traditional dancing with a modern twist, modern dance to classical music, classical dance to present day tunes, black and asian kids doing ballet, white kids doing street, groups of mixed ages/sizes, boys being graceful and girls being strong. I love it when you see the spirit as well as the moves. It moves me...it makes me laugh and gasp and cry.

I'm very tired today and grateful for any movement over and above that which is essential to sustain life...I've moved diy and decorating items in slight but appropriately useful ways...and food and kitchen utensils so a meal is on its way...just a few more things I'd like to get done and then I am moved to have an early night...lounging on or in my sofa (bed) and moving very little at all...

Arms

Mmmm...acupuncture! Yes I know I said that yesterday but I'm still feeling it today... I went to bed early and drowsy but full of bright ideas about decorating my bedroom and luckily Laura came over today to get stuck in to the bits I cannot do like painting the ceiling. We are just aiming for half of it today as it's a small room with proportionally large furniture and it's easier to move around that way, working on the paintwork and walls below in between coats. I've been doing my share, including creating the space to work in before we started by moving lots of things, but when she went home at lunchtime to let the dog out I felt more like having a nap than a snack... I'm grateful the weather has been kind and not too cold or windy to have the windows open while we worked. And for all we achieved...and that there are more little jobs for me to do over the weekend if I feel up to more but most of all that everything can stay just as it is in there for now until I decide... I'm grateful we've finished for the day and the sofa bed is beckoning...it doesn't have arms but it feels as if they are open!

I give thanks for catching up with some more Got to Dance programmes...I love them so much even though the fact that it is actually a competition makes it sadder the longer it goes on as less and less people are happy. I'm grateful for a surprise card and gift of a pretty scarf from Amy. I'm grateful that my neighbour upstairs came back as her cat has been getting quite distressed and distressing me. I'm grateful for easy food to make for my tea and that when I've finished typing this I can rest my own arms as they are hurting now...

My other car's a Jag

Mmmm, thank you to Rachel for a great acupuncture session, and for tea and chatter after! Oooh and to me for the savoury snacks...little pastries with pesto, cheddar and tomato and red onion, chutney and goat's cheese. Rachel's on a diet so I had to finish them off...sigh!

I'm grateful the combination gave me the boost to walk back up the hill and on the way I passed a man in a black Jaguar with the engine running on a house driveway. I thought it was the one that often has one of those rather comfy looking enclosed motorised wheelchairs outside belonging to a cheery elderly gent, and a look through the open garage door showed this vehicle parked inside. I don't know if he was just starting up the Jag and reversing it down the drive and back for engine maintenance or for his own health and welfare...or whether he'd actually been for a spin...but he should definitely have a sticker on the 'invalid carriage' I think, don't you?

Finally sympathies to people who are having problems commenting on my blog...but not really apologies because it's not really my fault! It's nice if you feel you have something to add to the posts but it's not compulsory and there are other ways to say things to me, or the world on general if you've a mind to so please try not to be cross when I'm trying to make people smile!

Really free

Today's one of those days when it's hard to tell the sea fom the sky both being an identical pale grey blue. I actually enjoy the spot the difference puzzle this creates but yesterday the sea was a really glowing turquoise with big purple streaks and little white flecks and I really liked that too.

I've not taken antibiotics for six days now so am beginning to feel feverish and sore but sometimes I like to give my body a break from the medicine as only the medicine gives me a break from the bugs but that too takes its toll...and I like to let my immune system stand up and stretch if not actually flex its muscles now and then! Yesterday I was doing my dying duck in a thunderstorm act for a few hours and then I felt a bit better and stripped half a bedroom wall of a wallpaper! It sounds very impressive put like that but it turned out not to be mostly not very firmly attached...at all, easier to peel than Sellotape actually and I only didn't do the whole wall as there was a heavy chest of drawers in the way and it doesn't look very nice underneath and I'd rather not have to look at it for longer than is ncesessary. It needed a bit of a rub and scrub in places so I did that in instalments along with most of one of the horrible little bits between a door lintel and a corner that you get especially in smaller rooms and where there's usually been a bit of a botch job with plaster and/or filler and/or wallpaper and paint. I don't feel like finishing that today but one more session and it should be done and the whole area will need a spot of filling and sealing here and there and then it will be ready to progress. In the meantime I've covered it with a large plain net curtain and myself in encouragement and praise!

In the evening I felt feeble again and so far today but well enough to get some late breakfast and after it to get washed and dressed and out for acupuncture I'm sure. I give thanks to the chicken who laid my egg and to the neighbourhood seagulls for whatever it is they are doing outside that is a) silent and b) quite picturesque being circular but lower and more localised and flappy than thermal gliding...

I give thanks for realising you can get free trials of software and programs that are not normally free. I knew there were free things and things you pay for but for some reason I hadn't twigged there is a middle option as well which is great as I don't mind paying for something if I know it's worth it but how else do you get to know if it is if you can't try? I'm sure there are catches here and there but I'm reminded of someone I know, who shall of course remain nameless, who has been getting another six months free from match.com for not finding love for the past two years! Of course if you want something really really really really really free you have ask John Otway and Wild Willy Barrett.

PS. I've just seen it on the news that Paul McCartney has stopped smoking cannabis...it is me or is that an odd thing to be in the news?

PPS. Juanita...I couldn't see the pictures on your blog post last night and today I can't even see the post...is it me or...

PPPS. The image below is irrelevant but I felt there should be some illustration to accompany this rambling...

Present moments

Wow, what a lovely birthday I had! I was in a particularly mellow frame of mind which is always good for ANY day but I was very touched by the number of cards (two handmade so extra special...thank you Pat and Heidi) and messages I received. Modern technology enables a swift greeting, and Facebook even suggests people you might like to greet but it doesn't mean you do and I really appreciated the number of people who did. I've never had so many people wish me Happy Birthday and I really had a sense of people wishing me well! Some thoughtful little gifts too - thanks Laura and Lynn (Bob's is not here yet) and gestures such as offers of cooking or company or cake...'little' things really do mean a lot to me...

I'm notoriously slow at opening things...and one of the delights of living alone is that I can take as long as I like! I don't usually have big presents... just a few little things, often from people I don't know especially well or who don't have much money (or both!) and I like to savour the gesture as much as the thing. If you have unopened cards and gifts it's like having a bunch of wishes or a pile of good intentions and I like leaving them like that almost as much as finding out what's inside! I've only just finished the unwrapping and as three things were book marks I think I'd better do the decent thing and snuggle down in bed again and read, don't you?

I give thanks for the changing patterns of blue and white in the sky I see from my pillow. For rest. For present moments...

Fifty four candles

Happy Birthday to ME! I didn't sleep well, and no, it wasn't the excitement...so am mentally giving myself lots of hugs and encouragement and physically treating myself to tea and a warm almond croissant in bed! Me...what would I do without me, eh? When times are hard I comfort myself, the joys I experience I usually celebrate alone. I have very little concept of life where the m is turned upside down. Many people over the last fifty four years have preferred other people, or themselves, but you know what? As far as there actually is such a separate being, I actually still like me! I may not always like 'being' me...but that is something else entirely and to do with the very long way I still have to go to enlightenment. And yes, I do understand statements like that are one reason people prefer other people...it's also the reason why I don't care that they don't, ha ha!

I give thanks for a hazy, slightly sunny start to the day. For a few electronic hellos and a virtual conversation. For a pretty new mug (shape and colour) I found in a local hardware store yesterday for £1.99. I'd gone in for sand paper and filler and so on and was only looking at kitchen ware while waiting to be served. And for the fact we have two great little non-chain hardware shops in our town centre and a biggish non chain one on the outskirts. And the fact that the one the mug came from is called Fork Handles... with an electrics business on the side called Four Candles... This is the town where there's a shop called Tiggs and a shop called Tibbs just round the corner from each other. I give so much thanks I live here...

Headland

It's my birthday tomorrow and I can't believe I've got this far...it's amazing! I'm grateful, albeit a little mystified ...the 'Why me?' question can go both ways, you know! I give thanks for my resilience and resourcefulness and ask that I may find more ways to brighten days for as long as I am in this illusion we call the world...and afterwards if possible too!

Up until a few days ago all I had planned was a visit from the community nurses to change my dressing and take my blood but now Laura has offered to take me out for a little walk and Jared is coming to cook my tea as he is unexpectedly free for Valentine's night. Obviously it's a shame he is...but if you found yourself unexpectedly free for Valentine's night wouldn't it be lovely if you had a lovely friend who did expect to be and you could change that!

A Valentine's birthday always has an element of social challenge...I've told you about John Peel and the chocolate body paint haven't I? I mean seriously let me know if I haven't because we all have a few favourite stories we love to tell over and over again but if you've missed this one I'm happy to bore the others who've heard it (over and over again) and tell it once more!

I give thanks that I had the energy to go and do some odds and ends in town here today and say hello to my local environment which seemed very busy and urban after the empty headlands and shores of last week...

I give thanks for finding some pictures of this on my Streak I'd forgotten I'd taken including the one above of the sun hazing into Widemouth Bay...and also whilst waiting for carrot cake in a cafe to fortify myself for the Post Office queue, some forgotten reminders of days in years gone by on my little 'old' phone. I can't share these as it's too primitive for that but they included shots of a tanker coming into port and full moon over Torquay station as I waited for a train with Bob. Happy memories...

I give thanks to Lynn for a birthday package...whatever can it be? How kind to think of sending something whatever it is! And to Ivor and Heidi for a card...Neither of these have been opened yet...I've put them to one side along with two cards from a correctional facility in Florida. I think Kostas might have made sure I get 'one of each' which is very touching if so... The people I've 'traditionally' celebrated my birthday with over the last few years have not been in touch for long enough for me to accept their absence now and I consider myself very blessed to have made some new friends even if we haven't actually met yet...

Nothing to declare

Maybe I've watched too much Nothing to Declare but I felt a twinge of guilt at packing snacks in my suitcase last week. An apple or a chocolate bar nestling amid your clothing can be an offence when entering another continent but not another English county! I'm watching it again this afternoon...I just find it so utterly fascinating...especially the work in the post room. I've not had a career and have no regrets, as I've had such a variety of employment experiences. Before I got sick I had a plan to train as a reflexologist but it's not often I see a mainstream job and think...yeah, I could have done that well and happily. I've been puzzled as to why something so 'straight' and authoritative as x-raying and dissecting mail would appeal...but then I realised it's not so different from pathology which I also might have enjoyed. In fact in a lot of my working (and playing) life I've put things together not taken them apart...fabrics, beads, yarns, notes, words and images too...rather interestingly different really...

Some days I wonder about declaring gratitude too...sometimes what I feel is more neutral than that. I don't mean I'm not content, just that I'm conscious of not wanting appreciation to turn into attachment, or pleasures to become preferred to the extent that their absence causes pain. This doesn't have to be as deep as you might think...I've become rather attached to the taste and texture of the Hobnob creams in the packet I've just opened and there's a possibility of some distress when the end of it is reached!

I give thanks for such delights and the (relative) self control I exercise when eating them! I give thanks for the Tesco delivery driver taking the groceries into the kitchen. This was also a bit odd as I usually ask them to leave the trays in the living room and sort things out from there. It's not as if it's even obvious where the kitchen is when you walk into the flat...but he walked right into it and put the tray down on the work surface I'd just cleared for the purpose!

I give thanks for having a bit more energy today...I've had more pain too and I certainly don't want to get into preferences here but if you have energy and inclination to do things other than focus on pain it can make for a more interesting day. I give thanks for getting the washing done and having my eye on some ironing as a doable chore. For date porridge - one of my favourite cold weather breakfasts and samosas - one of my favourite snacks for lunch. I give thanks for relative peace in the neighbourhood and the mercury rising higher. For meditation and contemplation and a selection of entertaining distractions on TV.

Untold stories

Yesterday it was cold and wet, today just bitterly cold. I give thanks for stay at home weather now I want to stay at home just as I had come out to play weather when I was away.

I am very very tired and achey and quite happy to do little more than make cups of tea and slices of toast and continue reading Alan Bennett's absorbing Untold Stories...over 600 pages long and not yet quite half way through! He writes so well though he almost makes me think I should give up... Seeing the remnants of snow on the Dartmoor tors from the bus on Monday I couldn't think how to express what they looked like to share my delight on here...but he describes Yorkshire hill tops in February as 'still veined with snow' and I know that can't be bettered. I'm humbled but grateful for the chance to be too.

I give thanks for tangy marmalade...for tissues and paracetamol...for a snug dressing gown and slipper socks...

Night flight

I give thanks that yesterday's bus home was slower, colder, bumpier and dirtier than the one out...there's not much else that can make you glad to arrive at a city centre bus station with rain and darkness falling! I give thanks for meeting and eating with Jared, for a lift home and up the stairs with my suitcase and for nothing horrid to come home to. For the tastiest tapas and kiwi and white grape J20 to wash it down. That's a new flavour to me and totally delicious. Always a joy to find something non alcoholic, non fizzy and nice!

Gratitude too for a long sleep...in instalments but the instalments meant a variety of interesting dreams. I loved the one where I was at a big party and decided to see if I could fly like in my dreams...and funnily enough I could! People were making jokes about 'getting high' but I was able to keep flying long after the party and was getting quite good and quite well known for it. A rather attractive young man asked me to join his street circus but I felt his intentions weren't honourable and declined...and a group of religious leaders complained I was contravening the law of God with my aerobatics but I said that as far as I was concerned he had sanctioned my power by allowing me to have it and I'd only stop if he took it away.

I give thanks for my own home made cauliflower cheese in the freezer...well it's in the oven now!

Lark ascending

Been a while since I made that happen! This morning I was so not up with one and really feeling feeble and unwell...but determined to make it downstairs appropriately prepared for check out at 10. I didn't fancy doing anything for a while afterwards...just sat in the sun lounge and was grateful for peace and warmth. Finally as the day brightened from cloudy and grey I felt up to a slow walk in the fresh air to try to work up an appetite for the cooked part of my breakfast which I'd been offered when I was ready. And, eventually, I gained enough height and distance from civilisation to disturb a lark. I was probably just as surprised as it was but what a joy to watch it soar and hear it's wonderful song.

I give thanks for the panoramic views, the warmth of the sunshine and the tiny patch of untouched frost on the grass. For the mysterious poignancy of a single red rose lying at the cliff edge...and for the many well placed seats to assist me. And for two perfectly poached eggs on toast to fortify me on my return!

Bright

The sun setting on my holiday...

Actually, although I'm home tomorrow night I've got another day to enjoy first. I haven't met up with Jared for a while and he's free after work tomorrow...and his work finishes the same time as one of the buses from here gets in to Exeter, so, although later than the one I'd originally planned to catch I think I'll be getting that one! I can leave my suitcase here after I check out and have an idea for something to do with the time...

I give thanks for another lovely day today... starting with a good long sleep and a good long lie in. For heavy frost...even inside as I left one of the windows open a crack with a damp towel over the yoghourts, orange juice and fresh milk I had stored there behind the blind away from the heat of the room. This evaporation cooling technique I was taught to call a 'country fridge' but in this case it was a coastal freezer! For glorious sunshine, very enjoyable if you could get out of the biting wind which I did by going on a pretty bus ride. For takeaway hot spicy parsnip soup for my lunch, and a sheltered sandy nook to enjoy it. For a walk out on the breakwater as the Atlantic began to hurl itself back at the land. Awe inspiring! For coffee in a smart bistro where a not so young couple were endearingly clearly on a first date. Body language looked promising and conversion was flowing well....Mine didn't turn up, ha ha!

I give thanks for finding a takeaway offering just down the road that inspired my erratic appetite. Breaded mushrooms on salad with garlic dip. You can bring in takeaways here and for a nominal charge they give you plates and cutlery and napkins and sauce and dispose of the wrappers. Very civilised! And as it's only me I've been allowed to have it in big comfy armchair in the snug instead of at a table in the deserted restaurant. It's deserted in here too but cosier. Obviously they are being extra accommodating as it's out of season and they have time and space to accommodate my 'special needs' but I have never stayed anywhere so friendly and welcoming. I feel very blessed!

A woman's walk

Everything in my room was comfortable last night...except me! I didn't sleep well and couldn't do justice to this delicious breakfast and just sampled all the components before hobbling back upstairs to lie down again. I knew it would be cold out despite the blazing sun and there was no need to stir but I could see people walking on the hillside on the other side of the sands and I wanted to be there too. I've been here two or three times before but never up to the tower on the headland there so, even though my footsteps were only a little longer than my shoes, with no momentum or bodyheat created and I must have looked as ridiculous as I felt, I went.

Looking at it now I think...how? How did I get up there without help? Well I must've helped myself I guess! Reading this you might wonder...why? Well, there are people who want to see what you see when you get to the top of the hill, and there are people who don't and if you're one who does that doesn't change when age and illness changes your body and your spirit gets squashed if you can't. I met a woman yesterday who took up backpacking aged fifty one after years of trying to persuade happy to stay at home husband to travel...she would have understood! I needed to unsquash my spirit. There was a seat at the top in the sun and out of the wind and I sat there for a very long time letting it spring back into shape a little as I watched the long dark stripes in the sea come closer and turn into waves for miles in each direction. It also gave my legs time to mend to bring me back via a cafe which was handy...

Then, when I got back to my sun baked room I did one of my favourite things in the whole world ever...fell asleep watching the sea...woke up and watched it some more! They're a surfer crowd here and they confirmed the waves today were phenomenal... It was also astonishingly warm for a while in the afternoon. I don't know what I'd like tomorrow...more of the same is OK, ha ha!

I give thanks for my strength and spirit, for activity and rest, for feeling safe and taken care of by kind and thoughtful people, for beautiful scenery and weather...for all of this wonderful treat!

Breaking up

The waves this morning are jaw dropping. Line upon line of breakers...building and crashing with a plume of foam. The tide's way out and there's people and dogs running down onto the sands in the sunshine. Inside I'm running in the sunshine too but actually I'm inside drinking tea watching through the window. I've requested a full Cornish downstairs at 10 so I'd better clothe my body and tame my hair...

I couldn't actually see the sunrise from my room...I know, shock horror! But this is dawn light through the blind slats taken from my pillow. Pretty eh?



I give thanks for choosing a room, a hotel, a location and (of course!) the weather so wisely!

Beachy bed

This is the view if I lie on the bed with my head where my feet should be...very nice!

I give thanks for a smooth journey...nurse on time, taxi on time, in time to catch the smooth swift clean long distance train...and therefore time to have a refreshment/comfort break and meet and chat to some interesting people before a lovely long scenic bus ride on the top deck of a comfy cosy bus. I give thanks for a warm welcome and a pretty spacious room...I'm the only guest tonight and have been made to feel very welcome and cossetted. I give thanks for weather fine enough for a potter along the coast path and for only going half as far as my legs would carry me to that they would carry me back! They serve snacks downstairs and I'm off to have one while my eyelids are still holding up!

As appropriate

Mmm...a day of relaxation and pampering! Well that's what I had planned anyway...but mice and men have got nothing on me and I'm only just starting on that part of the proceedings having found at morning cuppa time that whatever was done in the flat upstairs on Friday it certainly hasn't stopped water coming through the ceiling and wall. It had dried up a bit but this morning it was much, much worse.

Moving things and mopping up and taking appropriate measures to inform appropriate people in the appropriate way didn't take all day of course but there were a few other things to be done before this delicious feeling of relaxation could start.

I give thanks for getting all that I felt I needed to do done...and for a bone china mug of Earl Grey tea and a 'real' Lancashire Eccles cake bursting with currants not crusty with pastry when I'd finished...

For a cheery Tesco delivery man I'd not met before dealing with a computer system failure and a round full of upstairs addresses with equanimity...and for bringing lots of tasty treats and essentials. Two new flavours of Green & Black's to try snuggling in my little suitcase!

For finding in a local shop yesterday a biggish bearable across body bag to replace the one I've worked so hard the last four and a half years. Round of applause to Bay Trading for the first one...it's still usable if you don't mind the 'leather' falling off the cloth in chunks. Not even a dodgy zip...just looks dodgy!

For creating a protective wrapping for my Streak from length of tubular bandage...which also means I have some bandage with me in case my wrists and thumbs give me grief! To Laura for saying she'll don wet suit and snorkel to keep an eye on things here, and to Mike from Environmental Health for saying he'll try to come and check things out.

For the stillness of the day and especially the evening...can hardly hear more than a bird outside...I also give thanks for emails from TWO relatives in the last few days...much gratitude to both of you, it does me the power of good you know and replies will follow...

There's a wifi connection where I'm staying but I'm only intending to update my blog once in any twenty four hour period with a minimum of five things for which I'm thankful...that's all I ever intended to do. So if I'm bursting with gratitude at ten in the morning one day and don't get to expressing more til ten pm the next, don't fret - it's still within normal limits and I might have some more enjoying being to do before I get round to telling you about it!

Orientation

Dawn today as seen from my pillow...

And as seen sitting on the side of my bed...







There may be some flies in the ointment from time to time but let's not forget it's a very healing ointment I have here!

I give thanks for the splendid orientation of my window and my mattress that create such lovely dawnings of the days of Aquarius. For a few stray snowflakes drifting lazily down in the morning and light drizzle in the afternoon. The first was scenic without being a nuisance and the second meant I could sit in splendid isolation at the seaside cafe gazing out at grey sea without tourists blocking the view! I give thanks for getting out to do a few pre-departure errands and for the rain turning heavier as I came back so that sofa surfing is the very best thing to do next! I give thanks for perseverance and persistence and Paracetamol and power on credit meters...

By ear

I've had such a lovely rest today! I had to phone the doctor to talk about changing my current medication as I've been in increasing discomfort and so got up and got a cuppa and a snack but after he'd rung back I went to bed. There was lots of to-ing and fro-ing on the stairs and banging about upstairs which might have been repairs or some sort of landlordly invasion (or both) but it made me anxious so I snuggled back into bed and listened to some lovely guided meditations I had from the Penny Brohn Centre on my mp3 player...for a two whole hours! Just what I needed! And when I'd been through all of those and thought I ought to wake up for my pharmaceutical delivery...but the noise was still going on...I caught up with the new series of Coach Trip on my Streak also with headphones, comfy in bed.

It's a good job I stirred myself as I ended up having to phone around to find where the prescription was and found it was still at the surgery in time to orchestrate it hurrying off to the pharmacy and then up here. I give thanks for all the miracles of modern technology that have improved my quality of life today.

I finally got my hands on meds and mail just after 4 pm. There was a letter from the hospital changing the surgeon's appointment from 15th to 22nd. This is fine by me...he's presumably going to tell me if he thinks he will be able to operate and either way that's not something I'm bursting to deal with just now. Things are moving astonishingly swiftly after so many months inactivity and, though I doubt I'll do anything festive for my birthday, I feel not having to get up and go to the hospital next day would be something to celebrate!

I give thanks for the glorious sunshine and an almost mackerel shaped strip of mackerel cloud in the bright blue sky. I give thanks for finally getting a Tesco order together after a few days of feebly trying, for finding a bit of an appetite and the ingredients to make one of my favourite easy meals. I consider myself rather blessed to have such an erratic desire for food as I can indulge myself when I feel like it to build up reserves for when I don't!

Cookie crumbles

Thank you to all of you who have sent me encouragement and advice the last few days. And thank you for those who have but don't read this! I'm one tough cookie but I still crumble if the pressure is hard and persistent enough. I really needed to be stuck back together again today and I give thanks especially to Rachel and Laura for a spot of real life glue.

I also give thanks to a Parents Shouldn't Text on damnyouautocorrect.com that made me laugh out loud and gave me the boost to get up and dressed...And to myself for giving up on the idea of trying to write and print and post a letter but getting my weary body out down to the wave crashing sea for a toastie. Symptoms and stresses mean I've hardly any appetite at the moment but I thought that might go down a treat and it did. Thanks to the kind cafe man who showed me the seat that was out of the wind but in full sun...I was possibly the only snug person outdoors in Britain today. Toasty warm!

And I give thanks for a perfectly ripened avocado which inspired me to make some salad for my supper. I haven't had a fresh vegetable for days...my body is very pleased!

Holding on

Thanks to Lynn and Pat for your comments. Lynn, I slept OK while I was 'watching' TV but couldn't settle easily when I went to bed. I'm extremely grateful that I had a good book and know from other stressed times in my life that if turning out the light makes unwanted thoughts crowd in, turning it back on and opening a good book will start a succession of little dozes that eventually join together into sleep. It's not the reading that does it as it doesn't get further than a sentence or two...it seems to be just holding the book, though it does have to be one I actually want to read! Strange maybe but if it helps, well I just give thanks that it does! And I give thanks for the good book that not only came to the hospital with me but was there for me to hold when I needed to sleep!

Pat, my son lives in Sheffield, doesn't drive and though he's self employed he still has work to do. He would have chuckled if he'd read your well meant suggestion I think...he has trouble putting on weight and if he mentions it to people they say 'Have you tried eating high calorie foods?' as if he might not have thought of that! I would be interested to know what your tactics would be if you lived in this town...I suppose you personally would be able to drive to offices in other ones for a start which would be useful! I wondered if I might be able to get to the Citizens' Advice Bureau before acupuncture but it turns out it's not open here today anyway. This is actually something to be grateful for as I'm so tired today I haven't even felt up to making a cuppa yet. I have water (in a glass and bottle!) by the bed so I'm OK.  It's funny that water is a such an essential thing in some places and such a misery in others!

I give thanks to Laura for re arranging the time and nature of her visit so I'll have a lift home after acupuncture and someone to come in with. Watching my new pretty kitchen get spoiled I don't feel much like getting more decorating done so she's going to have a go at fixing the single bed I use as a sofa where the drawer supports are broken. Gotta be good Feng Shui to have your drawers supported eh?

I give thanks for thinking to contact Volunteering in Health - a charity based right here - and for their friendly reply. And that I finally feel up to putting the kettle on! I'm loving the sunshine too.

Out and in

I was going to write 'I give thanks for a nice day out at the hospital'...but that sounds mad doesn't it? As days out at the hospital go it was pretty good though! The bus didn't come but there were some friendly people to wait with, and the next one got me there in time. The staff were friendly and helpful and efficient too, timing the procedures just right so all could be done. I got some tea and sympathy and biscuits after at our wonderful local cancer charity centre in the hospital grounds and I remembered what a treat it is to talk! Then a sunset on the way home on the bus. After more than eight hours out I was fit for little and made a quick cuppa and bunged a ready meal in the oven while I got changed into comfy dozy clothes...

But when I went back to get my tea there was water coming through the kitchen ceiling again, running down the wall, dripping on the floor in a place it's hard to put a bucket or bowl. I stopped feeling comfy and dozy straight away and lost my appetite as well. I unbattened the hatches and banged on my just home neighbours door. It's up a few stairs from mine so she looms over you if she opens it and she opened it and loomed with a cigarette hanging from the corner of her mouth and still insisted it was the landlord/freeholder's fault. There's no point in phoning him...either he'll not answer, or answer and say it's hers and be horrible and nothing will change except I'll feel worse than I do already. I'll have to protect what I can and see if I can get a letter written and printed and posted tomorrow and then...oh goodness knows! As dear Pat pointed out there's a clause in the lease says the 'I didn't get the letter' excuse won't stand up so it's step one but how many more weeks, months or years of steps will it take to get it sorted. How many more have I got? What if I need time off sick from trying? What's going to happen if I have to go into hospital? What about while I'm away next week...?

OK, moaning and wild imaginings over. Worse things happen at sea...well wetter things anyway! I have insurance and not eating is great for the waistline. I haven't finished my Tree of Life embroidery so that's not getting spoiled. I've emailed Environmental Health with a picture and a plea and I'm going to watch some really mindless TV and try to forget about it for now...probably best not to check my blood pressure though eh?

Toast haste

I'm grateful I'm awake and drinking my tea...not telling myself I should be!

I'm grateful the dawn sky is grey... Yesterday it was lurid peach which, behind the lime yellow of the mimosa made you want to look away...

I'm grateful I finished yesterday the important forms and paperwork I had set myself to finish tomorrow!

I'm grateful I have devised a plan whereby...buses and energy and waiting times permitting I might be able to post them too. (It would be useful if big hospitals had post offices counters don't you think? Ours has a postbox but that's not quite the same...)

I'm grateful for forgetting I had a letter from Kostas, put aside while the above was being done so that I could take it to bed with me to read. A lovely letter and a comfort to me. It's funny how I signed up for this to help a soul in need...

I'm grateful I worked out what to wear today last night. It'll be bitter walking and waiting for the buses but there's a lot of indoors at temperatures the weather charts can't even make a wild guess at...and some undressing and dressing again to be done...

I'm grateful my cunning plan with the hot cross bun worked. I find it so hard to eat in the morning but I'm not allowed to after 9.30 or so and I thought if I left one by the cooker to be warmed I might get the taste buds to get my tummy to join in! I've managed most of it in between various stages of getting ready so that's better than nothing at all.

I'm grateful, as ever, for you taking the time to read my wittering words!