The burden of schemes

I give thanks for a nice bit of sunshine to start the Bank Holiday weekend. For physically smiling when I think of all happy things people may have planned, or happy unplanned things they may not know yet they have on the way...

I give thanks three times this week people have asked me if I have plans because I kind of like the idea, as I stumble through my numbered days, of sometimes managing still to create the air of someone who might have some worth sharing. Unfortunately lately I seem to have lost my famous knack of enjoying doing stuff on my own so, until or unless I don't get it back, I guess I should be grateful for the opportunity of learning the new skill of enjoying doing very little at all! So far I'm not proving the most successful pupil as it's so hard to turn my ever ready brain off, but I give thanks for this making me think having written a story once called The Burden of Dreams I should maybe follow it up with one called The Burden of Schemes...and that making me google the phrase and finding a link to a GQ article from five years and a day ago about the difficulties Werner Herzog had making a film about the difficulties an opera obsessed Irish man had in the South American jungle at the beginning of the last century.
http://www.gq.com/story/stream-this-werner-herzog-burden-of-schemes

Having much fondness for Herr Herzog's documentaries I'm very grateful I managed to find this early 1980s film on line as it proved a most splendid way to do nothing all by myself for an hour and a half this afternoon! I was particularly fascinated by the way, in amongst the snippets of Caruso in the soundtrack, there were also some of indigenous music with a distinctly traditional Irish flavour here and there...the glimpse of coincidence in the random scheme of things. I also give thanks for comfy earbuds to transport said soundtrack directly to my ears blocking out a little dog nearby clearly not at all happy with its enforced solitude...

I give thanks it seemed to have driven other neighbours out as well so I could have a rattling old time with my sewing machine unconcerned as to whether that noise was bothering anyone. People sometimes say why should I worry about being considerate but I never see the point in not giving better than you get...well, not if you're not getting a lot anyway! I guess if everyone is treating everyone wonderfully it doesn't have to become a competition who can be the nicest human being in the world...but it wouldn't be bad if it did though, now would it? Though, on the other hand overhearing lots of angriness later, I gave thanks for the reminder there are worse things than no one to hang out with...you could have people to shout at you instead!

Power of eternity

It's a challenge to find the gratitude lately so, as things are set to get more challenging yet, I'm grateful for all the practice I'm getting!

I give thanks for sight of a rainbow over the steel blue sea in the evening, the sound and smell of rain on the gardens at night.

I give thanks for a long deep hot bath before teatime instead of bedtime, to raise my core temperature a while. I'm finding it so hard to keep warm at the moment and I'm grateful I understand there's an emotional element to the chill and worrying about the electric bill won't help...

I give thanks for waking up from disturbing dreams, and then falling asleep again to escape disturbing thoughts in wakefulness...

I give thanks for Mima suggesting joining her to go and see an exhibition by an art group we know someone in, and that the sleet and hail showers had stopped and the wind had dropped by then...

I give thanks for a slip of the tongue over tea and cake making a blog post title you can make of what you will! I guess it's useful to be reminded of it, and the insignificance of whatever gives us pleasure or pain...

I give thanks for still holding out faith that man who could precipitate a change in my fate might get back to me soon. What man? The one who (I hope) is going to paint the kitchen ceiling before I put my flat on the market of course!

It's the little things...

I give thanks for a very dark grey billowing cloud on the horizon yesterday evening, with just a sliver of bright red sunset underneath so that it looked like a smoky fire... I give thanks for an energetic night - in my dreams obviously! I was walking to the Lake District, and I guess this is partly because a part of me is very aware that it's exactly thirty years ago I was on a charity walk to London from Wales. 

I give thanks for my late twenties, the best bit of my life by far...so far! I was so fit and strong and confident, a single mum with a great little son, my own small business doing something I loved, a best mate who loved hiking and holidays and a boyfriend with a caravanette and home of his own in the country. I'd been through some seriously hard times already, and I give thanks for my optimism at that time that things could only continue to improve...

Meanwhile back in the now world, I give thanks for the little things that make a day a little more doable, a little less complicated, irritating or disappointing...

So... I was dithering over a first or second class stamp to request the money for my new specs back (with the Bank Holiday postal delays coming up, not just cos I'm a cheapskate!) and then very gratefully discovered Simply Health now have an on line claim system and you just have to upload a photo of the receipt. Ideal!

And that after groaning when I received an email saying something I thought was going to be sent by mail is arriving by courier tomorrow morning, (there's no reason why I can't be in but loads of reasons why I still might not get the delivery) I found an option to select a place to collect the packet instead. I knew this company don't have any pick up points in this town so I was sceptical when I clicked search...but then I found there's one in the place I'm planning to be tomorrow afternoon. Yes, thank you, that'll do nicely!

I give thanks for getting a bit more clothes sewing done and I give thanks I know how... I give thanks for finally identifying the tiny brass thing on my sewing table. There's all the usual stitchery detritus on there, but though this looked familiar it clearly wasn't part of any part of that...in fact the only thing it looked like to me was the ball end of a guitar string. Then I looked up at my guitar to compare the two and realised it was actually the end of one of them. Oh well, it can always be removed and rethreaded with a classic wrap. I give thanks I know how to do that too...

Time saving

I give thanks for rustling up a tart tatty for my supper last night. That's a bit like the French thing but with less finesse!

I give thanks for a busy morning in the office, because the office was rather hard to leave with its firmly turned mattress and freshly laundered linen...

I give thanks for eventually getting out at what must have been exactly the right time of day as the weather had become considerably more clement and I ran into several people I knew to chat to including Mima in Specsavers who could help me make a decision about some frames I've had my eye on for a while. I give thanks I was still umming and aching when I left the shop... but when I went back a little later I was quoted a price a third lower than the one that had had me dithering!

I give thanks for kind comments from my cousin Tamsin. After all this time I still find it quite mystifying people not only read this but appreciate it sometimes. And, not having been over endowed with congenial family members, I give thanks I have a kind cousin or two too!

Not naked

I give thanks while I finished yesterday's post Rachel was in the kitchen finishing off pasta with home made wild garlic pesto. Highly recommended - both having someone cook your tea once in a while and the part foraged sauce! I give thanks for her sharing my Nakd bar for dessert, as tho indescribably delicious and packed full of good things, they are good things I'm not supposed to eat too much of.

I give thanks for persuading her to come to choir afterwards where for a few weeks while David the director's away we're working with a vocal coach...and we certainly are all in need of some vocal coaching! I give thanks the first lesson was actually extremely interesting and enjoyable, not least because instead of scuttling to our places and shuffling through our parts we were doing things as a whole group or interacting in unusual combinations and I love the bonding effect of that. I give thanks the instructor coped well with our various idiosyncrasies and brought a few endearing ones of her own so that the evening retained the customary thread of spontaneous comedy I appreciate as much as the music making... and that it was generally agreed to be very unseasonably cold despite the sunshine, which was a relief to me as I was beginning to think it must be snowing in my heart...

I give thanks I didn't cough or sneeze while turning my mattress earlier, as I read in a guide to hernia management that these bodily functions should be avoided to avoid one. I mean what the actual...? Ah no, you probably shouldn't do that either...

I give thanks for getting on with the laundry chores instead, and some sewing having made a quick detour to pick up some necessary haberdashery yesterday. I give thanks for finding a good source of fabric...in my fabric stash! I've been so concerned with getting rid of stuff I don't really want lately it was quite a delight to find a pile of material I do...especially as I've been chucking out so many clothes and at some point (surely?) I'll want to wriggle out of my winter warmers and will be needing something else to put on instead.

Ferritin around

I give thanks for the all around sunset sky last night in a colour I couldn't quite name but with elements of lilac and peach involved...impossible to capture on either my camera or my phone but painted in my memory.

I give thanks for enjoying a dream of travel and adventure, and waking too early but in time to hear the wonderful small bird dawn chorus before the crows and gulls and pigeons drowned it out.

Checking Facebook for the first time for a couple of days I gave thanks for seeing between them my friends have indeed been doing pretty much all the good things I imagined in my previous post, and probably the others as well even if they'd not posted about them! I am so grateful other people seem to be so much better at life than me - wouldn't wish mine on anyone...especially people I like! Oh, and I give thanks I like myself anyway.

I give thanks there are NHS Kidney Units. I'm not sure why they put them in such out of the way places but I give thanks the upshot of this is that the socially immobile and terminally independent arrive on our knees begging for treatment instead of with our usual swaggering 'Back off with the intervention, I'm doing fine' demeanour - which is a bonus for the medical profession I'm sure. Today's destination is sited close to the mortuary just in case the knees give out as well... and, unfortunately, I've had a few less than cordial encounters with the staff there, and less than successful visits where I've left with a whole lot more holes in my hands than I went in with but not a drop more ferritin in my blood... so, if you can be on your knees and dragging your heels at the same time then that's what I was this afternoon!

So I therefore give great thanks the only member of the team present was 'new boy' Ben, a sensible Northern lad who I already knew could talk to me as if my brain is still in full working order and have now discovered to my delight, can slip a needle into a vein first time, with no fussing or flapping or ferreting around. Which is kinda as it should be given the job description I feel...but I could be biased, you know. I give thanks for this rather pleasant spot of quilting in the waiting room where you you have to sit for a bit afterwards to check you have no adverse reaction. I give thanks I didn't...

This old house

I give thanks this week's leak was from the top flat not mine...and seems to have missed mine though the landing got wet again. It's not just a selfish gratitude though, I was grateful it meant I had a couple of brief human interactions and could do something useful by offering water in bottles while they had theirs turned off to sort it out...

This old house has withstood many years of less than optimum care and seems to be protesting profusely since I voiced my intention to move elsewhere. I've been trying to tell it the right 'You're lovely... it's just I'm not up to the job' kind of things but I know how empty they sound when you're the broken thing feeling abandoned. I give thanks for the new tenant downstairs doing her bit to make it cherished again...

I give thanks for my beautiful view of last night's bright moon shining on the sea...and for the rubbish waste disposal practices of people who live nearby so that I had to trek down to the big bins in the car park with my recycling and therefore got to see it closer to today. I was on a mission to spot something to make me smile, and to photograph to pass it on but some days that's a hard old job to do so I give thanks for even trying...

I give thanks for the warm sunshine though there's still such a nip in the air and it's been colder this week sometimes than it was much earlier in the year and in some ways it still feels like winter...

I give thanks for a party in the grounds of the big hotel down the road with an ice cream van for the milling children...and for a scene on Girls making me laugh out loud which I haven't done for days so was a particularly welcome feeling.

Retroactive

I give thanks for everyone who enjoyed the familiarity of family this fine weathered day... and/or the friendliness of friends...

Who petted a pet... or loved a lover... who tended a garden or someone in need of care..

For everyone who shared a kiss, a cuddle, a kindness... a meal, a meaningful conversation, a moment of helpless hilarity...

For everyone who celebrated their zest for life by running or climbing, swimming or surfing, riding their bike or going for a long striding walk...

For everyone who expressed emotion in music, in singing, in dance...

For everyone who did something useful for money... or something useful for free...

Who raised a child, raised a smile, raised a spirit, raised their face to the sun...

And for everyone who did none of the above. We also serve a purpose I'm sure...but no, I'm not quite sure what it might be either. Though I know it's never a good idea to compare, it might be that in comparison other people might realise how much they have to be grateful for? I don't know, gratitude isn't really my area of expertise today, I'm afraid...except for retrospectively...

Pocketful of mumbles

I give thanks for sleeping loggily and waking up springily which was especially welcome as I'd planned to go out on this drearily wintery day to look for something summery to wear when the sun comes back and the mercury rises... I wanted to find something to show off what are generally considered to be my best features (after my wit and wisdom of course!) and had my heart set on some denim shorts. Obviously already pushing the boundaries of age appropriate wardrobe choices I didn't want anything too short, nor too tight, but there's relaxed fit and oops I put my hands in my pockets and I've got a builder's bum! And though I give thanks for my dainty little waist it's a bummer trying to find a belt to fit it... So I give thanks for eventually finding some cropped jeans that will do with a little extra cropping...

I give thanks for getting most of the other things I had on my shopping list, might even have got them all if I'd thought to write the list... I give thanks for music in my ears to cheer me up on the interminable steamy windowed bus journeys when listening to other people's conversations is even more miserable making than not being in one oneself.

I give thanks for an assistant in one of the shops that didn't have what I wanted helping someone who couldn't see choose some clothes...and the shopper's pleasure in textures. I give thanks for someone serving in a non waitress service cafe carrying my tray when I said I'd have to take my order in instalments to my seat.

I give thanks my wireless headphones are charging as the atmosphere seems somewhat charged in neighbourhood dwellings and I think I need to escape to fictional drama as I've run out of ideas for real escape for a while... I give thanks it's Friday for all the folk for whom a weekend is something to look forward to...

Rhythm and news

Well, first of all I give thanks I'm still alive...and for the lives of people who've been alive and brought us pleasure even tho we never actually met them. And should I go soon and there's an afterlife, I give thanks in advance there'll be plenty of entertainment to be had from the other newbies. Quite what Prince will make of Victoria Wood and her Women's Weekly is hard to imagine, but celestial choir practice is going to put this year's music festival line ups to shame, to be sure...

I give thanks for hearing someone tip tapping some drums this morning for the second time this year. Long term readers will wonder is it the drummer boy of old? Well, I don't know to be certain but it sounds like his style and as if coming from the same direction but quieter... which might mean they've sound proofed the garage or moved the kit into the house. His practice used to be so frequent and then stopped so suddenly apart from just very occasionally that I wonder if he'd gone away to Uni and just picks up his sticks when he comes home to visit. Glad he does tho!

I've been very dozy today so have been giving thanks for increasingly murky weather, just right for shirking on the sofa interspersed with lurking in the cubby hole under the stairs flinging possessions out behind me like a mole digging a hole. I give thanks for another bin bag filled with bits and bobs to go to a charity shop...plus two small heaps to be posted to particular good causes.

Sugar beat

I give thanks a local charity is putting on a Reggae for the Refugees night and I hope it's well attended as there aren't nearly enough opportunities for those who like dancing to go and do it in my opinion, and dancing for someone else's benefit is good for the soul and well as for the body! I give thanks it's not a Ska 2Tone night as I'd be sorely tempted and really five minutes of vigorous movement is likely to produce enough soreness for me let alone five hours! And I'd have to dance because I'd have to go on my own if you go on your own and you don't smoke, don't drink, what do you do? And I'd have had to go on my own as I've not met anyone local who doesn't have to have the term explained! I think they must have fallen into a musical coma somewhere between the Lambrettas...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KVqrnsrgCM and...
...y'all ready for this?...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvTm_BhZdOE (I give thanks to a comment from Bob on someone's Facebook post for reminding me of this family favourite!)

Well, not to everyone's taste I know... but as long as someone remembers to try playing some if I fall into a physical coma we'll be OK!

In the meantime, as I'm technically conscious, I give thanks for all the neighbours being out for a while so I could pump up the volume and use the energy of these and other favourites to fuel the cooking of some quite presentable little feta pastries to take to Jenny's tea party (two sorts too - olive and pesto, and tomato and chutney) before exclaiming in horror at the time and rushing round trying to make myself presentable too... I give thanks for Nick the cab driver knowing what you're gonna need an ocean of!

I give thanks for an absorbing view including the local lifeboat doing the splashy nautical equivalent of handbrake turns, for amenable company and interesting conversations...plus Earl Grey in pretty tea cups and a selection of tasty food especially Jenny's generously filled sponge cake which I generously suggested I wouldn't mind taking a slice of home...to help her with her diet, of course!

I give thanks for last night's bright moon shining on the sea, for waking up to the sound of wind and waves today and that this evening, a mite fatigued after a great deal of busyness, I don't have to cook tea but can have spare feta pastry plus another slice of cake!

Smash and grab

I give thanks for a very pleasant visit from Rachel including being brought a party bag from Daryl's birthday weekend with sweets and a digi copy of the playlist he put together for the entertainment of his guests. What a nice thought!

I give thanks for a much needed opportunity to share the highs and lows of the last couple of weeks, it's certainly been a rollercoaster and continues to be... and for a much needed acupuncture treatment mellowing me out to the extent that I could remain so during the evening's shenanigans upstairs, downstairs and on the landings in between.

I wasn't sure if was penitence or after effects that led to such peacefulness this morning but I gave thanks for it anyway! Having the exuberance of a somnambulant sloth I was grateful to laze in bed with warm buns this morning...no - the fruity farinaceous sort and yes - would still have been nicer shared... but you gotta grab your pleasure where you can in this life, as long as you don't blight the lives of others in the process of course..

I give thanks eventually I just had to go out and test if the day was as springishly mild outside as it seemed to be (particularly after yesterday had proved to be quite as wintry cold as it appeared!)...and for it being quite definitely, delightfully so! For rustling up a tasty tuna rice salad to take from bits in the fridge...and for discovering the extent of last night's damage. Knowing more than most how utterly grim things can seem sometimes, I have a lot of compassion for substance abusers, but heck they are hard to share a roof with...and windows even more so...

I give thanks for spotting a baby bunny picnicking in the daisy snow...I'm not sure if I've ever seen anything quite as cute with my own eyes! I give thanks I'm aware of and give thanks for life's little blessings...

A man you don't meet everyday

I give thanks for the beautiful sunset yesterday, and for going into the kitchen at just the right moment to see it at its best... For trying on a dress I'm altering and having a Fonz at the mirror moment!

I give thanks for being able to stay snug in bed on a chilly weary morning... for having a very strong sense of the presence of someone..and then getting a message from them and realising I'd been on their mind too. For memories of a happy Monday...

I give thanks for a the driver of a huge chocolate biscuit lorry letting me cross the road before he negotiated a very tight narrow bend. Everyone around was riveted... and impressed when he made it on the second go with just slivers of space either side.

I give thanks for the still sea landing on the sand with just the tiniest sighing ripples. ..

I give thanks to Jenny for a lift to the library, a spot of knitting and nattering, catching up and sharing so that I got unwanted jewellery bits from Linda to pass on to Kidney Research and Christine got homeless post Easter bunnies for her bereavement work.

I give thanks for various neighbours making far more noise than I'd like so that I've been forced to fight back and find various random favourite tunes on YouTube. I give thanks for Desmond Dekker and Green Day reminding me I'm never too ill to dance a little bit a least... and for the Pogues giving me a blog post title...

I give thanks I mostly made tea already. I know I gave thanks yesterday but I'm even more grateful today!

Science of ourselves

I give thanks for a long lie in gazing at the deep blue sky through my window in between reading chunks of a book that would have passed me by if it hadn't passed in front of me when one knitting chum who'd borrowed it passed it back to another she'd borrowed it from. It's the fascinating post-war journals of 'Housewife, 49'...I love a good diary don't you? Ha ha...of course you do...you're reading mine! 

Nella writes so well on the little details of her life and the bigger pictures she tries to see, and appreciating the ebb and flow of emotion and events in it is so intrinsically pleasing. But it also pleases me as it reminds me I used to write for the resurrected Mass Observation Project that started in the latter part of the last century...and as I was at the University of Sussex in the first part of this one and had access to the Archive for my studies, I had the very strange experience of coming across some of my own contributions...and now here I am blogging about reading a diary from there. Mmm...I love a good interweaving of coincidence and connection too!

I give thanks for reassembling the contents of my airing cupboard following ingress from various unexpected water sources. It's on the landing outside my flat door so doesn't contain freshly laundered linens but expendable items like dust sheets for decorating, useful but currently unused cardboard boxes and things waiting for the universe to send me someone to take me to the tip! There are a few ways this collection fits in the small space and several ways it doesn't...so I give thanks I found one of the former eventually...

I give thanks for a quiet afternoon - me, the neighbours, the crows, the gulls, the pigeons, the power tools, the dogs and the kids! I give thanks my hands have been quite amenable to handicrafts so I've been able to get on with some knitting and sewing projects...and I give thanks for reading that and realising they probably wouldn't be amenable to anything much at all by morning, so that I leapt up from my laptop to make tomorrow's tea as well as tonight's... I give thanks I'm off to eat the latter whilst finishing watching the highlights of the Chinese Grand Prix...I give thanks I've not looked at any news anywhere today so right now I haven't a clue!

Measures up

I give thanks for Homeserve plumbing cover for flats which does just what it says on the tank! When something goes wrong you cannot fix it's so good when you can call someone who can...and they come and do so...

I give thanks for a memorable swim... I've remembered it a few times today... and then I remember it was just a dream! 

I give thanks for getting the town chores done in pleasant weather and the pleasant atmosphere that is usually to be found there. For a much needed flollop on the sofa afterwards... and a trip to the forests of Papua New Guinea with Gordon Buchanan. Quite lush those forests are...

I give thanks for finding out the surprisingly large case I bought a few years back which alleged it was within plane cabin baggage limits actually does seem to be...just in case I should find myself trying to get on a plane with it sometime, you know...

I give thanks I think I've worked out what the next cardigan I'm going to make myself is going to be like...well enough to start it anyway and hope it works itself out on the way. I give thanks the things I make usually do somehow...

Messenger service

I give thanks for Liz directing me to plans to make a new station closer to aforementioned hospital...and for finding out plans have just been approved subject to removal of a proposed large car park...fine by me!

I give thanks I don't have a colostomy...but, I think because I've donated to their work helping those in the developing world with them, the Colostomy Association sent me a copy of their magazine which was lying on the table as I ate my lunch and I skimmed through it in a 'nothing to interest me here' sort of way. I give thanks for thus spotting an article on parastomal hernias (as I do have one of those)...and finding it interesting, informative and refreshingly non-patronising reading...also for finding out the hospital I prefer to go to is heading up research into causes and solutions...and in fact the article was written by the man I'm going to see about mine!

I give thanks for discovering that Facebook's Messenger app has a free video call feature. I'm not much of a one for phone chatting myself and I'd have to be pretty fond of someone to want to see them while I do so, let alone let them see me au naturel as it were, but I guess this might be useful information for someone somewhere anyhow...

I give thanks despite planning a happily horizontal day I was in fact up and about and fully dressed when Charlie from upstairs arrived to tell me today's leaks were coming from my property not his. I give thanks for him volunteering to help me with initial investigations, and that I pay for an emergency plumbing service who have promised to send someone out to investigate further this evening...

I give thanks I try not to ask for anything, relying on kindnesses freely offered or transactions where money changes hands... so extra thanks that John and Jo know me well enough to know if I do ask I must want whatever it is a lot...and that Colin knows me well enough to know what some of the things I do want but don't ask for might be...

Mobile friendly

I give thanks to Jenny for driving me somewhere that is served by public transport but not by any that connects with public transport from here, which is fine except it's the hospital that's supposed to serve people round here! You can get a train and walk a mile or so each way from there (if you're neither sick nor lame, of course ) otherwise bus treks like my homeward bound one of two hours twenty five mins from closing the consultant's door behind me to walking in the door of my flat are quite normal (in a car you just need the twenty five mins, tops!)

This isn't the only reason it's not my favourite hospital (I visit so many I'm thinking of producing a rough guide!) but I give thanks they have a nice cheap cafe and no questions asked Internet access...plus they've decided the body parts they've been investigating are showing no signs of deterioration and I needn't go back for the foreseeable future. I give thanks I've actually quite a few body parts still showing no signs of deterioration...atrophy from lack of use maybe but that's a different matter of course...

I give thanks that the grammar school system still obtains or produces better travelling companions than other educational establishments, the boys with their tidy quiffs and girls squealing at a less ear drum splitting pitch. I give thanks for Leftfield anyway...and for getting home before the rain got heavy...

Apparently this is a good day astrologically for opening up emotionally...Don't worry, you can all give thanks I'm far too fond of you all to do any such thing...

A haar!

I give thanks that so far my third attempt at finding someone to paint my kitchen ceiling seems more promising...The first person I asked said no, the second said yes, I'll bring you a quote tomorrow and never came back and so far the third had been and given me a quote so fingers crossed!

As he came a little earlier in the day than I'm usually up and dressed, and I'm feeling fairly well and pain free at the moment I give thanks afterwards I decided to go on an explore in the sunshine and look at properties I'd like to live in if I had a little bit more money than I do. Was this wise? Ha ha, maybe not...but not as devastating as a few months ago innocently imagining the kind of home I'd really like if neither money nor accessibility were an issue turned out to be...because within forty eight hours of envisaging the miles from almost anywhere converted stone dwelling with big modern wood framed windows, exposed beam barn roof and unexposed outside sunspot, someone I knew unexpectedly took me to their house for a cuppa or whatever and they lived in what my mind's eye had seen! I give thanks for my manifestation skills of course but it still did my head in a bit... I mean some things you can't have it's best if you don't discover how much you wish you could.

I give thanks the places I saw today set off no such yearnings, and for finding my real destination, a cherry tree Christine had waxed lyrical about and knew I'd want to see enough to tell me where to find it - a bit of a trek but not as far as Japan, and yes, very worth it!

I give thanks for thinking that Mima might be free nearby when I went for a sit down with a takeaway tea to recover after all my tramping about..and that she was free so we could share one of the concrete steps going nowhere on the beach and watch the haar swirl in and out again. It may not technically be a haar because they're associated with the north east but we're well known for both our sea and river fogs here too and I've always loved the word so it will do!
http://blog.wordnik.com/10-fantastic-fog-words

I give thanks that thinking of this blog post name reminded me of the Man with Two Brains...and that made me smile...

Good for me

I give thanks for replacing the la la land of post acupuncture bliss with the la la land of choir instead last night! I've not been for months, and not without Rachel for longer, so it was a bit of a challenge overcoming the foot dragging of social anxiety as well as fatigue.

I give thanks for the top gate being open to walk through the secret garden strewn with spring flowers in the grass and pine cones on the paths. For Christine arriving, giving me a hug (thanks universe - never doubted you for a minute!) and saying 'Shall I come and sit by you?' and for learning two songs new to almost everybody - except Christine so I could follow her voice as well as the music! I give thanks for David's delicious dissonance, tasty half time snacks and catch up chats, and a lift home back up the hill from Jenny.

I give thanks for catching up with a predictably uncovered episode of Girls while the water heated up for my bath, and at the end hearing a cover so stunning I had to rewind the recording to hear it again and then go on line to find out about the singer. Aurora, Life on Mars...Try it - if it's good for me it may be good for you too! 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZJZM8YQYdE

Singing is so good for all of us...It's good for our brain, and both our blood pumping ventricular heart and, especially in harmony with others, our metaphorical heart of feelings, the one that that should be filled up with wonder and love but sometimes life empties instead.  And going to choir is especially good for me as it's a collaborative companionable activity which is something of which my life is particularly empty...plus it doesn't rely on asking people to be collaborative with me when they have other companions or activities in mind...which obviously I avoid doing as much as I can. 

So I'm really grateful I went...and I would be really grateful if the universe could now come up with a plan for me to be able to go again AND have tea and acupuncture with Rachel as this is my only other reasonably regular opportunity for collaborative activity and it seems unnecessarily mean that they should overlap and it be an either or...

I give thanks for another Jenny coming to clean this afternoon rather than her usual morning visit - not least so I could have a long lie in and then go and get a toasted sandwich for lunch before the sunshine turned hazy except where it still twinkled on the water... I give thanks for an empty sea view seat on Old Maid's Walk to eat it. If you've got to eat sandwiches on your own at my age I think it's best if they come with a side of irony, don't you? 

Jam tomorrow

Heavens, this is hard sometimes... I give thanks lately I've come to understand better why other people seem often more likely to rant and grumble and generously share their dissatisfaction not their gratitude!

I give thanks for a haunting film called Lilting about love and loss, lack of communication and coming to terms. Good old BBC4 - covers all bases eh?

I give thanks the universe still hasn't come up with the hug I asked for because that must mean it's still on its way, right? And a hug on its way towards you is better than one that's been and gone, though I give thanks for the remembered ones that have been and gone of course...(I don't get that many so can remember quite a few!) It won't be from Rachel this evening as she's had a big weekend helping her husband celebrate a big birthday, but I give thanks for thinking about her because that reminded me a couple of days after I thought I saw an otter on the Dart she was with some people who definitely did, so I'm now even more certain I did too and can be extra grateful...

Um... I give thanks for Jenny giving me a lift to the library. Though I didn't feel much like knitting or nattering, having a cup of tea made you is always a treat and I was able to take lots more unwanted yarns and fabrics for the others to rummage through before donating the remainder to a charity shop. I give thanks for giving more than I get!

I give thanks for the bright sunshine and being near the sea, for the tourists thinning out a bit so I could enjoy it all the more. I give thanks for deciding in my next life I'm going to open a patisserie called Affairs of the Tart...

Silent witness

Too tired to get out of bed and go and watch the waves in strong winds at high tide this morning I give thanks for the local coastwatch webcam...and to Liz for telling me about it, a lady who knows what it's like not to be able to get to places as easily as you'd like...

I give thanks for social media showing me that she and other people have been getting to places and being enjoyably sociable this weekend... With still such a lot to think about and do, I give thanks my presence has not been requested or required anywhere - apart from virtually on blogspot that is - and that I'm still finding things to be grateful for in amongst all the things for which I'm not!

In fact this is my 2000th surviving post (some having been accidentally deleted when deleting drafts elsewhere) so I guess that's something to be grateful for too...actually it's pretty unimaginable even to the writer to be honest...

I give thanks for getting out of bed this afternoon instead and lounging in the bath with Alan Bennett before psyching myself up for some diy. There was a nasty moment when it seemed there was no filler left so I give thanks for eventually finding just enough for the job. I was once renowned for my filling skills and this wasn't up there with my best work I'm afraid but I'm just grateful I was able to get up there (the ladder) and do it at all!

I give thanks for some very tasty on offer at Waitrose Higgedy pie for a very late lunch afterwards...The medical profession continues to be astonished by my hearty enjoyment of food at this late stage in renal deterioration. I reckon the rest of their patients can't be eating the right things - and probably don't do nearly enough fetching, carrying and wielding filler knives up ladders for themselves to work up an appetite...

I give thanks a dozen years ago or so my life was very different. I worked til eight or nine several evenings a week, sometimes went out for drinks with colleagues afterwards and had a boyfriend some of the time. Why is this relevant? Well, it meant I missed a vaguely forensic crime drama called Silent Witness feature length episodes of which are currently being shown on a TV rerun channel and fill in a couple of otherwise featureless hours. I don't give thanks it's necessary but I do give thanks it's there!

I give thanks for my pennies from Devon narcissi. They look cheerful and fill my kitchen with their beautiful fragrance too!

Watch and weight

I give thanks the condemned woman cooked and ate a hearty supper, turned off her phone and the internet, put on her headphones, lay down and watched TV for more than three hours solid last night...well not live TV, that would indeed be a fate to be condemned to...and she did pause to get up and get dessert!

I give thanks for dreams so enjoyable that at the point of almost waking I wondered if maybe I'd died already and this was heaven not sleep...

I give thanks for my upstairs neighbours seeming to have fixed their shower so that I don't have to have one just after. Things are looking up not having to look up and watch where I put my feet!

I give thanks for feeling normal enough this afternoon to go out for a while and admire the light changing on the sea between the hail showers. I give thanks for all the people much more normal than me out interacting with friends and families, enjoying the tail end of the holidays and this beautiful place to be.  My horoscope said I might see things from a different perspective today - does the viewing platform above the yacht club count? I give thanks my love prospects are allegedly excellent again too but I'm hanging on to that one this time as they didn't turn out so well for the recipient when I gave them away...and I could really do with a hug!

I give thanks for braving the Saturday Waitrose crowd and, in an attempt to fit in, saying yes to a free Guardian to go with my free takeaway tea. People tell me it's a good read but so far all I can tell you is it's a good weight and by the time I got it and the rest of the shopping home I was ready for a snack and a nap! Never mind, I went to Exmoor with Ben Fogle instead...always a joy on both fronts...well apart from the butchery lesson! I give thanks for talking to the cab driver who's not been well about how you have to go out sometimes even when you don't feel like it because it's better for you than staying home and thinking about how you don't feel like it...

Fixative

I give thanks I had the common sense to turn my head sideways to stop tears of frustration dripping into the plug I was trying to rewire yesterday evening! I had been so pleased to finally find the cause of an intermittent fault with the heater which is my main source of heating - in the cable itself so not obviously visible - and for it to be something I could rectify without any outside assistance or financial outlay, but it's a long time since I did one of those fiddly twiddly things...and the skill set is definitely missing a few pieces these days! Still, swiftly sinking into an avalanche of unfixable, it was was a little breath of fresh air to finally achieve the task, and I give thanks for that...

I'm not really a worrier - it's problem solving I do - so I give thanks I managed a little sleep in amongst all the problem solving last night! I give thanks for working out quite a lot of the problems that beset me just now are, in fact, quite fixable...just not by me, or not by me alone anyhow. And as unfortunately I have a history of either not asking the right people or not in the right way so that help is not forthcoming...I guess I should be grateful at getting a chance to revisit this and hopefully rework it, shouldn't I? Maybe that is fixable too?

I give thanks I had to go out and do some things, and managed to do them without coming across anyone who wanted any more than nodding and smiling from me...and that now I'm home and can get on with the important business of shaking my head and crying. Some things look better in the morning don't they? Unfortunately the opposite was true today and the (relatively) little things the fixing of which would make the (empirically) enormous unfixable things easier to bear, became a bit more beyond the easy reach of help. Curses! 

I give thanks I bought myself some little daffodils...don't fix anything except that I look at them and for a moment go 'Aah!' instead of 'Aaaarggghhh!'

Rainbow's end

I give thanks for the pretty light with a rainbow curving into the sea yesterday evening...

For the excellent coming of age movie, Spike Island. Highly recommended as long as you understand it's set in Manchester in the 90s so full of swearing, drug taking and Stone Roses!

For remaining upbeat and practical during a long dreaded phone call and then letting melting down happen gradually throughout the day. I give thanks I'm still doing OK with wise, but courageous is in short supply and I'm really struggling with serene... I give thanks, as ever, I don't have people 'there' for me because if I did I'd want them to be right here right now pretending they could make all the bad things go away...or at least make them seem a little further away for a little while.

I give thanks for finding out you can have your student loan debt wiped out if you provide a letter from a medical professional saying you're unlikely to ever return to work...useful information until you find out how much the letter would cost anyhow...

I give thanks for finally remembering to stab myself in the leg!

Funny girl

I'm still running at half speed so the first big thanks is that my latest delivery of performance enhancing drugs is here and waiting to try and put that right. Five eighths speed here I come maybe...

I give thanks for getting that pretty smart coat to the dry cleaners to be ready for pretty smart occasions when a coat is required, and getting on with alterations to the bead trimmed strappy maxi dress (found in a charity shop £1 bin in need of some TLC) that's just right for summer evenings when one is not! You may wonder why I've acquired these, and other garments you may only wonder about, when my life seems so seriously devoid of occasions to wear them...and when I'm always droning on about not hoarding what you don't need... Ah, but you see I need to believe I might sometime need them, it's really as simple as that!

I give thanks for free advice from the possible ceiling painter, and getting a preparation product he recommended here in town...although I'm still waiting for his quote to know if it'll be him who does the main job and to see if I can summon enough oomph to do the bit beforehand...

I give thanks for making Nick the cab driver laugh, and for him remembering I did last time too with a bit of off the cuff wordsmithing. It's nice that people think I'm funny anyway...maybe I should just get a clown suit and be done with other sartorial aspirations. Actually, I just remembered I used to have a harlequin's costume that a boyfriend gave to me...so yes, I guess that says a lot!

I give thanks for the changeable weather which for someone who likes all sorts of weather is a particular treat...and that despite it being very blustery it was doing a sunny bit when I took a takeaway tea break on the back beach. I give thanks for a full four ships in port, and a swan just paddling by them...

Giving it all away

I give thanks for walking past the Oxfam shop yesterday, seeing a Bob Dylan album and realising it was time to hear this track again after not being able to for a long time due to 'associations'. Isn't it sad we let bad times or (good times we can't get back to) spoil enjoyment of music or other sources of pleasure that way? It was shivers down the spine love at first hearing and I love it again now and I let someone not getting me take that away...duh! Behind every beautiful thing there's some kind of pain...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZgBhyU4IvQ

I give thanks for Rachel providing a three course meal last night, and discussing money and sex instead of religion for a change! Everyone should have the chance to talk about the things you're not supposed to now and then... I give thanks for randomly asking if she needed my random logs for any fires...and finding out there's a wood burning stove at the Youth Hostel they're renting for Daryl's 50th birthday bash next weekend and so the answer was yes please! You can laugh, but the logs had memories too so it's great they're off to warm a happy gathering instead of gathering dust and disillusionment in a corner. I'm grateful I understand you can't have such a soft centre as I have and not risk getting squashed...

I give thanks for hearing on Facebook that Bob went back to find a homeless person he'd offered a sleeping bag to, who wasn't there the first time he took it to their agreed meeting place. Sometimes I fail to convey the joy I feel at helping things you really don't need to hold on to find the place they're supposed to be, and I'm so grateful he gets a kick out of this too.
Imagine if everyone felt that way...There'd be be no poverty or hunger because no one would feel insecure about sharing what they have plenty of....because there'd be no fear of not having enough...because if you didn't have enough of something and someone else had some to spare they would give it to you, wouldn't they...? Simple, eh? (Yes, I know I am!)

Meanwhile back in the real world, after a busy couple of days it's been a dozy one today and I give thanks I didn't have to do much except eat leftovers and stay awake for Ms Tesco to come. If anyone has any energy just lying around they don't need...?

Time and time again

I give thanks that if you keep practising gratitude you can get better at it! Sometimes it may feel as if your burgeoning skill is all you have to be grateful for, but you know what, it still is something wonderful when you remember and feel it.

Last night, physically uncomfortable and emotionally so sad, I remembered to be grateful my bed was comfy even if I was not, and that my earplugs dulled the sound of people nearby being happier...but not so much that I couldn't catch an aural whiff of owls hooting in the trees and whip them out to enjoy the pure joy of that. I give thanks for those magical moments when you just lose all sense of yourself to delight...like I do when I hear owls...or see the sweep of the bay...or spring buds in a shower...moments that money can't buy and you don't have to rely on anyone else to supply (for which I'm extra grateful given my circumstances of course!)

I give thanks for all the good thinking I've done in the many sorrowful solitary hours of my already more than half a million hours long life. I wouldn't have chosen so much of what has happened to me, but if I had my time again...? Blooming heck, of course I wouldn't choose it again...are you insane? But with hindsight I can see the insights gained have been useful...and I wouldn't want to lose the appreciation of minutiae those with more magnificent existences might miss...

Apart from that I give thanks for just another day, like so many other just another days that pass, unremarkable at first glance, unmemorable looking back, trying to hang on to the health and wealth as you started with, and be at least as much wiser as you are older by its end. Trying to be OK with things, be understanding and kind and giving... including to yourself, which is tricky as so often what you think would be best for you to receive doesn't match with what others think would be best for them to offer...and we all want our own way...and to be right...right?

I give thanks for the way the knitters fell upon my big bag of unwanted yarns with glee and almost emptied it...for the way the sea insisted I abandoned the town to come and watch its wonderful waviness. I give thanks for the man waiting for the woman to get off the long distance coach with a big hug and a single wrapped up flower...and for the man carrying a bag of plaster into the downstairs flat answering my joking 'I've a kitchen ceiling wants painting when you've done that!' with a not joking 'OK, I'll come and have a look tomorrow if you like!'

Naked truth

I give thanks one of the men I'd most like to get naked for is looking for people to get naked for him again... Who? Why Spencer Tunick of course... Love that guy's work! I suspect he'd prefer people not quite like me however, which is usually the case where nakedness is concerned these days.

Oh, well...I give thanks to Mima for giving me her smart blue coat which would be handy if any occasions to cover my nakedness smartly should come my way instead...plus a cup of tea and a bun thrown in!

And I give thanks for coming across this while looking for info on the latest Tunick installation. Good read if you're a woman over 50 who's dabbled in internet dating... Maybe not so if you're a chap the writer might have...
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/apr/02/from-oddballs-to-indiana-jones-my-online-search-for-love

I give thanks for tits in the bushes, a robin on the footpath rail and magpies flashing their iridescent plumage outside my kitchen window. I give thanks for the way the view of the bay from the railway bridge always makes me catch my breath in wonder...for the misty moisty weather blurring lines between sea and sky and not just because my glasses got wet!

I give thanks for sorting out a huge bag of assorted yarns I cannot foresee myself using for even a very far seeing future...and for the ones I've kept for projects I'll get round to by and by if my hands co-operate. I give thanks I'm (almost) always full of bright ideas, hopes and dreams and plans and schemes...and a sensible amount of tempering realism too.

Dental care

Most of the time I'm on a mission to do more stuff, have more action and activity in my life, but my challenge for today to was to find ways to do less and get the rest my body was quite clear it needed. Doing nothing is not something I'm good at, usually I lie back and think of something I want to get on and do...so I give thanks for even giving it a try!

The bit of my body I most needed to do nothing with is my left arm and hand which is relentlessly painful right now... but although you can do all manner of things one handed most of the ones I do I do better with two so I give thanks for my efforts anyway... I give thanks for eventually abandoning my dressing gown and getting somewhat (extra) scruffily dressed, and for making a spicy lentil stew with very chunky veg...

I give thanks for pretty spring sunshine and mostly peaceful neighbours...and for even managing a nap!

I give thanks for remembering last night's vivid and exciting dream where there were many little unidentified lights moving in the sky causing delight and excitement...until they grew much bigger and space ship shaped and began to descend to earth. There was no way of knowing if the invaders were friendly but earthlings being earthlings we were soon shooting down as many as we could and I figured the occupants of the others might not be best pleased at that! It was hard to decide if running or hiding might be the best strategy, but I was sure it would be a very good plan to have a cross body bag of essentials about my person ready for whatever transpired and hastily packed a torch, a loo roll and a towel. I give particular thanks for remembering the towel...and if you're wondering why, and what any of this has to do with teeth, it's not going to help if I say Ford Prefect I suppose?

The many drops

I give thanks when I dropped a packet of rock solid 'soft' brown sugar last night it landed on the worktop breaking a bowl - rather than my specs which were close by.

I give thanks for receiving a message later via the Facebook Messenger app I'd finally reluctantly been forced to download as I now know how it works...ie instantly and intrusively! Staring at letters in the final gripping stages of a beat the clock word game suddenly I'm wondering 'Why can I see Colin's face...?' Oh well, it's not a bad face as faces go and at least I didn't drop the phone in the bath!

I give thanks for waking up silly early today for no particular reason but that I did get to see a beautiful sunrise after a while...

I give thanks whilst looking for some yarn to remake a favourite cardi I came across a whole site of fabulous free knitting and crochet patterns!
http://www.garnstudio.com/lang/en/kategori_oversikt.php

I give thanks for a busy morning in the office...though eventually, as all the offices I wanted to contact were even busier with a first of the month/after the budget/turn of the tax year call surge, I had to abandon life admin for some much needed chill time instead. I give thanks for that. I am an utterly super woman but I must remember I don't have to try to be one all the time...

Due to some very pleasant skiving this last week there were things that had to be done however. I give thanks for filling another bin bag with items I can live without to warrant the taxi fare to drop them off at a charity shop... and for the free friendly banter thrown in!

On a chilly afternoon I give thanks for coming home to tea and toast and toffee apple curd. Toffee and apple are two of my favourite flavours and I'm partial to spread but I resisted when I first saw it a few months ago until it was half price yesterday. Special offer is a rather good flavour too!

I give thanks for finding a random post fitting photo on its way to the virtual recycle bin. I'm clearing out all kinds of things at the moment...if you come to visit don't stay too still too long!