One step back

I give thanks for guessing Rachel would arrive a bit early yesterday so I was nearly ready when she arrived an hour and a bit early. Her phone is set to a different time zone and somehow she'd managed to live two days without realising she was out of step with the rest of the country who'd put their clocks back!

I give thanks for the luxury of therapeutic intervention, the pleasantry of having a friend round for tea...and some rather nice food as well (though I say it myself!) I give thanks for not getting too relaxed in the evening as I had to get as prepared as possible for an earlyish departure to the morning's hospital appointment. I give thanks I was about but neither dressed nor out when they rang first thing to say the surgeon was sick and clinic was cancelled today. When they told me it might take a couple of months to get vascular access working I took it to mean in my body, not via the system in general but, hey ho, all these setbacks must mean I'm doing better than predicted eh? The changing plans and uncertainty is wearing on the nerves but they'd not hesitate to chop me about if they thought it was urgentn enough...(and I let them)

I give thanks then for an unscheduled day off from all the associated hassles and stresses of travelling to the city and back... and the strains on my finances that can ensue from all those compensatory treats! For a couple of painters coming back...and getting on with the job very quietly! No laddish banter echoing on the stairs, and no radio either which made a nice change as, like most people, I prefer silence or listening to broadcasts of my choice...

I give thanks for making dhal in the morning for my tea tonight, and not a lot else for hours... For having to pick up a prescription later, so I eventually dragged myself unwillingly outdoors...whereupon I felt much better than I had done stuck inside. I give thanks for some chatter in the veg shop and chemist, plus bargains at the supermarket including a Thai veg curry and rice reduced and needing eating up as dhal tastes nicer next day ;-)

Most of all though, I think, I give thanks for discovering the 'undo' button on Blogger will put back a part written post that clumsy keywork's wiped out!

Dropping in

I give thanks for the surprising warmth of the sunshine despite the drop in temperature today. For rising early to get stuff done before the workmen came with their noise and smells...and not minding too much when they didn't!

For finishing off the pre-viewing cleaning chores...and then cleaning myself up in time to go and view someone else's flat. That one had been on the market even longer than mine so I had to go and see what was wrong with it...and could see precious little at all.* I give thanks a second viewing in another part of town was postponed however as I was fit to drop and had to get home sharpish and do just that, curling up for a snooze in my very clean and tidy home and thus not getting it messy again for an hour or two.

I give thanks Rachel is coming for tea and to treat me. What with one thing and another it's been a while...

*I give thanks the lady who came to mine seemed to think along similar lines...though she's got to think about it some more so let's not get the bunting and bubble wrap out just yet!

Big bang tea time

They promised us bigger and better fireworks than we'd ever seen on our little beach on an autumn evening before...and they weren't kidding! I give thanks for all the people involved in organising this always lovely local event whichever side of the river you enjoy it from. I tend to warn newcomers it's not a display as such - just an exuberance of rather random rockets - but this year was astonishing both in terms of quality and timing and I give thanks for getting myself there and back, exhausted though I was. I give thanks for meeting nice people, for the 'traditional' tartiflette (gourmet takeaways being a pleasant addition to proceedings), and for finding a spot on the edge of the walkway to take my tea and flapjack so I could sit down or stand up in a slightly elevated position as required.

I give thanks for catching a surprisingly good backyard display nearby as I neared home, and for no stray bangs after bedtime. For using the so called extra hour to get some extra rest before tackling all manner of domestic chores. For a cuppa and cake with Mima in the last of sun to warm the sand before it dipped below the horizon and the sea turned that special shade of blue. For living in a part of the world so rich in wonders and delights...

Going for the burn

I give thanks for seeing another pretty dawn,...and for being able to stay in bed afterwards! For a mostly quiet day on the terrace, though the paint fumes are so eye wateringly strong they have a presence of their own...and a nap on the sofa after making inroads into various laundry chores and correspondence. For rustling up an omelette - the closest I've come to cooking for almost a week - and plans to find something for tea at the bonfire later to continue this decadent streak!

Rise and shine

I give thanks for getting home last night in just enough time to make a chamomile tea, take my meds and fall asleep in time to be able to wake up before my alarm went off this morning, catch the pretty dawn and the bus to the hospital! I give thanks the consultant was impressed with both how much I've done with my 'time off' and the results of today's blood test. For attempts to reassure me that they will find a way into my dainty and diminutive veins somehow, but that it's good it's not quite as urgent as they feared as it's a bit of headscratcher exactly by what means...

I give thanks what seemed to be before my eyes as I whirled through the door yesterday morning was not a mirage, and there really are a team of chaps doing up the communal stairways and landings. Obviously they are the landlord's chaps so it's all as quick and cheap as can be...but there has been a bit of plastering as well as dobbing on of paint and it really does look loads better already. I'm not sure which of the heartstrings I've been tugging brought this about but it'll be a good thing for my next flat viewer, due on Monday, to see...as well as me in the meantime!

I give thanks for a picnic lunch in the wonderful warm sunshine on the cathedral green, taking my spoonful of post hospital visit potassium in the form of a fresh cooked falafel wrap from one of the food stalls in one of the pedestrianised areas and a spot of south west German inspired French patisserie. I give thanks for not eating it all at once as, after finding a surprising amount strength and energy for an extremely enjoyable and uplifting week, I am too tired to do much more than blink this evening and hand to mouth snacks will be handy. 

Not home from the woods yet

After a night full of dreams of escaping from hospital (and nightmares when they caught me and brought me back) I give thanks for a lovely leafy day out. It's going to be a l-o-n-g one and how tired I'm going to be by the time I reach home is rather grizzly to contemplate so I give thanks for a waiting room with internet access so I can start being grateful while I still am! For a decaf tea so when I get to my bed I'll be ready to sleep in it, and an egg and cress sandwich so I won't be wanting supper.

I give thanks to John and Jo for their company, and especially to Jo for driving to and fro. For tasty food on offer and the weather being reasonable, but not such a glorious seasonal day as to mean the place was too crowded to enjoy. For being somewhere I've been trying to get back to for well over half my life! This is, I suspect, how I'll feel when I'm finally inside my own front door again...

Pick and mixer

I give thanks for making it to the station to start my journey home via various purveyors of fine food and bargain domestic appliances as required. For negotiating the various booby traps planted by rail providers en route including a ticket for a train not actually on the timetable and crossing (and recrossing ever more frantically) the stylish looking and largely information free concourse at Birmingham to arrive in a fluster in a soon to depart carriage with no reservations and a conductor with no idea where it might stop after she'd completed her section of the journey! I give thanks I know the route, and eventually got an internet signal to check the scheduled stops, as the conductor after that was either very tired, or very secretive, or less familiar with that line, and only announced where we were when we arrived at each place keeping silent on where we might go next and what time we might be getting there.

I give thanks for the golden sunlight on the turning leaves as we travelled, the strange cloud formations and pretty sunset sky reflected in puddles and streams as darkness fell. For booking a taxi up the hill when I'd worked out when I'd be at the bottom, and nothing more grim awaiting me than I expected. Most of all, of course though, I give thanks for having a very refreshing, restorative and enjoyable couple of days away from it all with Bob.

Wake up and taste the roses

I give thanks Bob bought a bathplug yesterday and it fitted so I could fully test the facilities in his new abode...and for lighting a tealight when I couldn't and leaving it on the side of the bath in a candle holder I made him for his 21st birthday. I give thanks for remembering my 42 year old self making this, strapped for cash at the but working somewhere where we made decorative glassware so I had access to materials and knew what to do to create a unique gift on a shoestring.

I give thanks for a good long lie in and being ready for having my breakfast made at lunchtime, including toast with that rose petal jam...which, though not fragrant, tastes exactly like rose petals smell. You feel like you are in a summer garden - very strange but very pleasant!

I give thanks for an amble round a few shops and for not only finding a passable jumper for myself in a charity shop but for having someone else to carry it round for the rest of the day.

I give thanks people don't seem to be queuing round the block to see Blade Runner 2049, as this meant we could get the best seats in the lushest picture house at the most convenient time with no trouble at all. And I give thanks for them being the comfiest seats I have ever sat in in a cinema (pairs of reclining padded armchairs with little tables too!) and for it being probably the most visually satisfying film I have ever seen...Even if you're not a fan of the genre, if you get a kick out of 'just right' imagery get out there and see it right now!

It's not often I want to see a mainstream film enough not to wait til it's on TV, and for it to be one Bob wanted to see too and be showing when we were together was a lot of happy coincidence to be grateful for too...and now I'm happy to post this is my tea is being served!

All inclusive

Well, I give thanks for almost enough sleep last night...enough to feel up to getting up in time to get into the taxi to catch the train to Bob's anyway which was the main thing!

Half term travelling can be a tad fraught so I give thanks, though packed, the journey was peaceful and punctual and for nice people next to me including a man who opened my water bottle when I was struggling and a woman who gave me a lovely creamy mint. Also for the Dale Winton-esque station voiceovers so we went through 'bijou' parkway and 'pulsing' city centre!

I give thanks for the trackside sights of the journey - a field of pumpkins, and balls of mistletoe in the trees, a man fishing and a buzzard eating its lunch, magpies playing hopscotch in a station yard and herons, ducks and geese on the city canalside.

I give thanks for this beautifully multicoloured tree by the bus stop - a bit blurry but the bus arrived. For seeing Bob of course, and his new very spacious flat...and for him making me feel welcome and looked after there. I give thanks for the cafe he suggested going to for some lunch having kedgeree on the menu. No cheese, no beans, no potatoes, tomatoes, salad et al...and I like it so a no brainer then! I give thanks for a trip to the wonderland of Ozmen's supermarket where we got rose petal jam for breakfast and hummus and flatbread for tea. Oh and a Portuguese custard tart for me now I'm further from Portugal again and can find one!

Ready reckoning

I give thanks for another quiet night and morning, though I woke somewhere in between feeling very ill and unsure if I'd see the latter. This can happen to anyone of course, truly ill or just in a fluster of self importance over a spot of indigestion or some such...but, over the last years, with the odds more likely in my case, I recommend turning a heater on, taking Paracetamol and meditating on the pauses between the breath. If your time has come you want to be as comfortable as possible, right? And you might find (as I did) you just wake up three hours later not so bad after all.

I give thanks for being as slow to move and achieve as I've felt the need to be since then. For watching the pigeons whirling untidily on the wind like autumn leaves. For doing my Shaitsu and gradually, gently, tackling bits of housework people might say I could leave until another time, but I'd rather do in case there's more to do at a time when I feel less able. For getting as ready for departure tomorrow morning as I can reasonably expect myself to be tonight...

I give thanks for coming across this entry from Alan Bennett's diaries that strikes a chord in so many ways...

'I'm happy doing what I'm doing.
I'm not always happy with what I've done.'

Just keep me hanging on

Phew! I give thanks for finally getting the big rest I've been promising myself and which keeps getting postponed or pushed aside. Very necessary, and rather worryingly long...but at last I began to feel a bit stronger again. I give thanks for that too of course!

I had a bit of a to do list of course in my head, and I give thanks for getting a few things on it done...and that there's a fair possibility I may do some more before the end of the day as long as I sneak in a little more lazing around in the meantime... 

I give thanks both a customer helpline I had meant to ring, and an online advice I'd meant to message both turned out not to be open today. That was two things less to bother with for a start! 

I give thanks for making myself some new earrings instead. It's a slow process these days as clumsy AND fussy is not an easy combination! I'm grateful I don't do it for profit any more, but there's still that splendid deep satisfaction in joining the generations of humanity that join beads together for pleasure.

I give thanks for close by personages ceasing to loudly voice and display their displeasure at the difficulties they are dealing with. In fact for going off in a huff elsewhere for some of the time! I give thanks for sending them metta and enjoying the peace and quiet...

I give thanks for storm being quite interesting. Not really as interesting as we'd all been led to believe it might be...but I know I should give thanks for that too!

2 down

Ha ha! I give thanks when I dropped my toast in the bath last night as I was running it, it was before I put the bath enhancers in. Plain hot water on hot buttered toast is fine if you eat it quickly!

For remaining fairly equanimous during an evening of fairly average neighbourhood adversity... and later, when I felt less so and couldn't sleep for all the thoughts regarding these difficulties and the round and round and getting nowhere attempts at a solution, for writing them some of them down in an email and sending them to someone who gave me her card once in case I needed any help. Forcing freeholders to maintain their properties is not really in a kidney patients' advocacy officer's remit, but I gave thanks for letting myself let go of downplaying the situation for once, which I try to do as much as possible for my own benefit as much as anyone else's, so as to avoid dwelling on the dwelling. And I give thanks she wrote back first thing this morning with offers of whatever assistance she could give, which was a good deal better than nothing...or just saying 'Poor you!' I guess, although she's not personally affected by the illness, she has a better idea than most of how hard it can be to summon up the extra physical and emotional energy for battling with extra obstructions when your body keeps begging you just to do nothing.

I give thanks I'd promised my body I'd do the best to do that today...but also for catching the weather report for tomorrow suggesting structural damage might ensue if I ventured forth then instead, so that I finally got out to the PO before nightfall, rainfall etc. I give thanks for great new books to read from Ann and another vintage clothing bargain, this time a little embroidered cord pinafore dress for when I need to have my arms more accessible than they usually are in winter.

I give thanks though beset by as many challenges of the technical age as any who try to engage with it, I am (unlike a surprising number of ladies of a certain age) usually of the opinion I will find a way to do whatever it is I'm trying to do (albeit, no doubt, cack-handedly) and for finally getting a printable PDF of a crossword sorted and a Word document poster converted into a photo to upload to Facebook for the library and its friends.

I give thanks for a burst of live drumming when I had the windows open...and for remembering the buskers in the city the other day. A kind of mariachi tijuana band playing up beat jazz, a solo slow rock guitarist with close female attendant/minder/fan and that older lady who plays the sexiest sax who I'm sure I've mentioned before.

Filling in time

After a call from a meds supply company yesterday evening I give thanks for turning the phone off today. It seems the sicker I get the more running round (literal and metaphorical) I have to do, and I needed an hour or two off to lie in bed...catching up with on line bill paying and 'business' correspondence!

I give thanks around lunchtime I finally managed to get myself out and about again to deposit recycling in the big bins in the car park as we seem to be at an impasse with the council regarding emptying the communal ones here, and collect and process more prescriptions. I was scared while I was at the GPs they'd say they wanted more bloods or another trip to the hospital, and when they didn't and there was just a shared joke with the receptionist, I actually walked away down the path with a fearful glance over my shoulder. The nice long haired lady doctor who wears baseball boots (I'm not biased at all!) was following me out. 'How are you?' she called (Phew! Well enough to be asked not told!) She was a bit confused when I asked how she was in return, saying no one usually does...which we agreed is probably because patients don't see their GPs as people. I give thanks I always try to have a human exchange with all the medically employed personnel I encounter whether they're cleaning the floors or sharpening their scalpel blades prior to incision. They may sometimes be a little non-plussed when I do, but I reckon the world would seem to go round a lot more pleasantly if we all tried to remember a little more often that other people are people too.

I give thanks for passing a little time on one of my favourite occupations at Mima's. No, not eating delicious home made cake...that came after...for filling in holes in one of the exposed old plaster walls at her house. Quite why I love doing this so much I have no idea, but I have done a lot of it over the years and the delight I felt at having the opportunity to do a bit more was undiminished! I give thanks for being slightly helpful in the process, for a very nice lunch made for me, sweet treats from that lovely cut price lemon curd and a lift home afterwards in the very wet and windy weather.

I give thanks for finding some nice non-expensive buttons in town (before the rain) to replace the old man's coat ones on this otherwise lovely non-expensive vintage cardigan. There'd be a better photo if the flash hadn't stopped working on my camera, along with the print preview facility on my crossword compiling software...matters I must continue to work to solve after I've reinstalled the drivers for my printer which have also wandered off my laptop (again). I give thanks for the rich variety of problems that beset me, all the better the keep my brain on its toes, and to avoid dwelling on the more disturbing ones in unguarded moments of idleness...

Vein hopes

I give thanks today wasn't all about going to hospital for a venogram! I wasn't sure what to expect and when I googled it and the first suggestion was that the following word might be 'painful' I decided not to do any more research... In my head it was just going to be a needle and a bit of contrast in each arm and the main problems were a) that it had to take place in a hospital room I associated with a great deal of previous trauma and b) that they might not find a suitable vein to work with. But that was past and future and I give thanks for trying to make the present moments as bearable as could be...including forgoing a lie in to go into the city centre beforehand and buy myself a couple of little presents!

I give thanks for seeing a man tugged along the station platform by an eager Westie I assumed was keen to meet a family member stepping down from the train. But when they went past us the other way, sure there was a woman walking with them but also another little terrier and the first one was bounding along beside it turning its head to share a canine grin every couple of steps. Made me grin too...

I give thanks for remaining pretty calm when I turned up for the procedure...until the man who gave me my preparation instructions seemed to think I should remove all garments 'as you don't know where they'll want to go in' and also remarked that he didn't like getting too chatty with people as he might get to like them and he knew if they were in that department things were probably not going to turn out well. What??? I give thanks for the woman who turned up after and rubbished the first part anyway so I could leave some clothes on and panic behind. The Prof and his team who did the work were clearly perturbed by this introduction too and I give thanks they were as reassuring as they reasonably realistically could be, and as gentle...though if my veins were easily accessed I wouldn't have been there in the first place and my hands are pretty bruised and sore.

I give thanks for all the cooking and cleaning I did yesterday, so I don't have to do much tonight...eating, snoozing on the sofa in front of the TV and reading a book in the bath are all on the agenda. You might imagine being seriously ill they'd be on the agenda rather often. I guess to be honest I give thanks that they're not...

Just be couscous

I give thanks for spending some time visit planning with Bob...and whilst knowing not to set too much store by plans and intentions enjoying thoughts of possible good times to come.

I give thanks for last night's supper of garlic butter coucous. Some of the recipe ideas I'm coming up with, well they're pretty good...some I'd even willingly have again... but you probably wouldn't bother unless you were a late stage kidney patient, or one was cooking your tea! This is lush though and I'd eat it even if I could still have my fill of favourite ingredients.  So - for a small portion you melt a bit of butter (or something similar) in a sauce pan. Add a clove or two of chopped garlic and cook for a minute or two. I used smoked garlic...I recommend you do too! Then add a few spoonfuls of couscous (wholewheat is nice) and some chopped up parsley. Stir until the butter is absorbed, and then add boiling water to cover, turn off heat and let cook through.

I give thanks for the extra enjoyment of this dish that came from the guys upstairs being out...until I went into the kitchen to wash up and found either something leaking from their flat into mine or the roof problems spreading into that room. Cue sleepless night as the managing agents have also gone awol citing the freeholder is the cause!

I give thanks for making it to my morning bloods appointment on time nonetheless. For the blood taker being kind when she couldn't and while I was trying to make a merry quip about how ironic it was I'd hoped to merge this test with my vein scan tomorrow and avoid such hassle, merriness eluded me and I began to cry instead. For the light on the sea soothing me afterwards...

I give thanks when the phone rang later and I thought 'If this is about blood I'm going to get a little terse'... it was the estate agent re a viewing! Cue a trip up a ladder with a paintbrush and hair dryer later maybe? Maybe...if I have the energy which seems unlikely somehow. Apparently it's a man looking for a buy to let. Perhaps it's the freeholder coming for a snoop...or to offer me 2/6 (a historical monetary term)...just because he can.

Not so free spirit

I give thanks to Gary for confirming the strange yellow tint to everything this morning was the light outside not my vision malfunctioning in some way.

I give thanks for spending the morning trying to arrange and rearrange medical appointments so I don't spend quite so many days a week attending them...and that I did at last succeed in getting that better phone deal a while back as, despite a dozen or so calls, I didn't get anywhere with this mission today. I give thanks for finally getting a cheque from a travel insurance company that will offer a policy for almost any condition but require the perseverence of a particularly fit mind and body (plus a healthy bank balance to pay for the required paperwork) to actually come good on a claim! I ticked the box for a bank transfer but they sad they don't actually have this facility at present and sent a cheque...and in the meantime my bank in town has closed down...so I give thanks I have to go to the hospital in the city again soon and can pay it in. Mean spirited springs to mind when I think of them...not free. Oh well, best give thanks foreign travel's impossible for the forseeable future eh?

I give thanks to Jenny for giving me a lift to knitting, catching up with folk there and dropping off my craft stall contributions and some surplus fabric and yarn. For a heavy shopping bag weighting me down as I braved the strange strong wind and balmy sunshine on the seafront on the way home, but though I was nearly toppled once or twice the sea itself was not especially splashy. For yesterday's interesting renal recipe leftovers to keep me going until I can think up something else to eat later. Two years ago the specialist home care nurse assured me I'd soon lose my appreciation of flavours and appetites... Conundrum though my diet may be I give great thanks that she was wrong!

Beck and fall

I give thanks for the neighbours going out yesterday evening so I could fit in a quiet bath between tea and Beck. For remembering I had flapjacks cooking before I jumped in and remembering I had bath water running before I got stuck in to unsticking them from the tray!

For my internet connection, which had been wandering off earlier, coming back so it could start recording and I could catch up... and for managing a few rows of Rachel's jumper before my hand seized again and had to be strapped up for the night.

I give thanks for an afternoon out with Mima exploring a local 'apple' day which didn't seem particularly apple themed but had a pleasant atmosphere, pretty autumn scenery and passable weather for a shared picnic...plus the opportunity to say to a woman I'd never met before 'Do you mind if I kiss your husband?' as I had met him - we had been colleagues and friends some years ago but had long lost touch.

For steering ourselves successfully around places we didn't know well if at all, and astonishing good fortune with parking spaces. For still feeling in fairly good health, and able to enjoy out and aboutness. For spotting a bargain jar of lemon curd... and this giant spider!

I give thanks for this Albert Einstein quote on the Cambridge Buddhist Centre thought for the day.

A human being is a part of the whole called by us "universe," a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of understanding and compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.

The rest of the week

The rest of the week having been rather demanding for a breaking down body, I give thanks for the 'rest of the week' over the past twenty four hours. I fell asleep after my bath, between the courses of my tea, after my tea and as soon as I made it to bed where I managed another eight hours or so...and still had lack of energy left to squeeze in an afternoon nap!

As long as I enjoyed the dish in the first place I often give thanks for leftovers, but I was especially grateful for the last of an experimental 'good' soup last night, with paprika and garam masala, smoked garlic and fresh chilli disguising the fact there was no flavoursome stock or tomato puree, the most boringly well behaved vegetables (mostly carrot and cabbage), a bit of soup mix and a couple of chopped up Linda Mac chorizo style sausages. Oh and a drop of that home made toffee sauce to deliberately make toffee porridge for my breakfast!

I give thanks this long running knitting project has been finished and...no, not thrown, gently folded into the bag of donations to the craft sale at the library. I've been working on it on and off for more than two years and have enjoyed many parts of the process, but am now enjoying moving on! Completing this task was the only non-essential one on my to do list for today and I give thanks summoning up some slovenly slothlike ways. For the sun coming out in the late afternoon for those who were out and about, and even those who like me who merely saw the brightness from indoors. For Beck on BBC4 later. For sorting out a bit more book swapping with Ann...and for virtual friendship and chat.

Out of my hands

I didn't sleep well last night, but I give thanks for making peace with the fact that I might be at the hospital for many hours, if not a few days, and might leave with a hole in my body where one was not before...that I might be lectured sternly on all manner of things, including arriving there considerably later than they asked me to be...and being told all my plans for the next couple of weeks had to be scrapped - especially as none of the above actually occurred! In fact everyone on the team was so especially nice to me I began to wonder if I were heading straight for Rose Cottage instead. But no, not that either! I give thanks for action plans and re-arrangements instead, sharing of humour and jollity and even apologies for causing me so much distress and inconvenience...plus thanks to Ann for sending me a good book to read in between these slowly unfolding events.

I give thanks for the blustery drizzly autumn weather, as well suited to this day's activities as yesterday's was to those...

I give thanks for the bus driver saying I only needed a single to the next town not a full fare the whole way, as even the morning bus I did manage to catch was too early to use my pass. For the blood taker charming the veins in the back of my hand with a hot water balloon made out of a rubber glove so the needle slipped in unnoticed, for one of the younger doctors making me a cup of tea, and the consultant asking if I'd like to change the busy clinic appointment I'd been careful to work around when sorting out bobbing up to Sheffield, and come in at a time to suit at this more relaxed unit next day.

I give thanks for five mins kip as I soon as I eventually wearily arrived home again. And then a virtual chat about a trip out somewhere leafy with John and Jo on my new 'free' day. For Mima then arriving with renally friendly cream cakes to cheer me up with some real time conversation. Feeling nurtured is not something I'm particularly familiar with, but I think the last few hours come close to it...

I give thanks for not currently having any holes in my body that preclude immersion,  so I could have a lovely long soothing soak in the bath with a mug of chamomile tea while writing this to supplement the sensation...

Crafty manoeuvres

I give thanks for sleeping long and fairly soundly despite crafting my hands into a state of agony and incapacity last night. For surfacing late to bright sunshine and the thought that the doctors had until I was ready to leave the premises for somewhere nice to tell me to go somewhere horrid instead. Getting ready to leave the premises can take a while, especially when my hands are hurting, so I give thanks for getting it done in record time today!

Though I know some think this attitude irresponsible or incomprehensible, to me it makes perfect sense. I mean, what's the worst that can happen - dropping dead doing something enjoyable? Haha, no that's the best... though preferably not just yet when there are still a few enjoyable things I can do, and opportunities to do them. I'll be in their power soon enough, one more day avoiding orders is just what my inner doctor ordered today.

For a weather warm enough not to need to wear a jacket or coat...For a busker playing my favourite Hootie and the Blowfish song...For a rather pleasing subway mural...

For eggs on toast, practically the only cooked food readily available out and about that I'm actually allowed to eat...and finding poached ones!

For being in the mood for a little light retail therapy and finding some bits to buy. A novel in a bargain bookshop, some reduced price favourite incense sticks, a nice looking loaf from a baker's where they ask you 'Would you like that sliced?' and a plummy colour wool/cotton knit White Stuff dress, from a charity shop obviously, but still at a price to make me think twice - though I can think pretty quickly too!

And for those of you in a flap about my renegade behaviour. Yes I did talk to the doctors when I got home. Yes, they're still flapping...and I must away to the hospital in the morning. I give extra thanks for taking today...

The better bits

I give thanks for ending yesterday feeling better than I started it...less aches and pains and general malaise. Maybe my body wasn't that keen on that flu jab...certainly my mind wasn't...but hey ho. I give thanks for feeling better still this morning which is always a good start if you find a message on the answering machine about your bloods suggesting you're not...and you have to go back for some more immediately! I give thanks I could renegotiate that to attend to those lil old niceties like washing and dressing first...and this meant I got to be out in the nicest part of the day weatherwise.

People often don't understand that it's not me that makes this happen. It doesn't depend on how 'good' I am with my diet for instance. Although I do try to follow the rules and take my meds as I should etc this doesn't prevent or slow kidney failure, just helps me to be as healthy as possible as that carries on regardless. I give thanks for trying to explain this in a non patronising way to anyone who doesn't know because after all, why should they? And for trying not to take the bait when medical professionals explain things to me in what I consider to be patronising and demeaning ways, like the dietician who just talked about taking pills before a protein meal...and then listed what proteins might be in a diet. After all, why should anyone who has trained in any sort of healthcare imagine that someone requiring healthcare has any sort of intelligence, knowledge or education of their own? To me, to automatically assume not is verging on rude and it is one of the horrors of what lies ahead that I shall be more at the mercy of more of these folk...I give thanks for reminding myself it will be a valuable lesson in misplaced self importance.

Today I'd kind of earmarked as a day of rest not stress but as I had to be up and at it anyway I give thanks for catching up on household chores and cracking on with crafty things in between feeling a bit sorry for myself. I give thanks I've tried my best to improve my quality of life over the last couple of years of opportunities to do so diminishing. I give thanks for the people who've tried to help...and for trying to have some compassion for those who've hindered.

I give thanks for finding a good film on iplayer last night which was about to expire, so I won't send you to look! For putting together some passable stew for today and a bit of apple char-notverymuch which was a good way of using a chunk of bread I inadvertently massacred trying to cut some slices from. I give thanks I didn't go mad with the 'Ooh, I've just had my bloods done...time to treat myself to something wicked!' feeling...yesterday or today!

Just a little...

I give thanks for making a little toffee sauce to go with a rather sleepy pear last night. I'm so grateful I discovered it's only heated up soft brown sugar, cream and butter, and vegan chums could have a version too if they were so inclined. Here's the best bit though...When I'd poured all the sauce out of the pan, instead of washing it (or, more realistically, putting some water in it to wash later) I put the oats for my morning porridge in to soak in the sticky residue, and stirred it with the saucy spoon and so I had the loveliest breakfast made from oats, water and what should have been washing up. Result!

I give thanks for someone managing to get some blood out of me without wrecking my few remaining possibly usable veins. The woman who was supposed to do it on Friday declined even to try my hands, which is what is suggested now, so I'd had several days to build up a fret and sweat over the pain and trauma that might be to come, based on some nasty previous experiences. I give thanks for being praised for thinking to wear two pairs of gloves on the way to prepare...and for it not being too bad in the event.

I give thanks for buying a ticket for another quick trip away. . In two weeks time, all being no less well with the results, of course, I should be in Sheffield for a couple of nights, staying at Bob's. I give thanks he has a place that I can stay at!

I give thanks if you're reading this I've managed to win a day long argument with my laptop. Or I could have given up and posted on my phone of course...I give thanks for (mostly) modern technology (most of the time)

Sum total

Heavens, I'd no idea sitting staring at the sea could hurt so much afterwards! I give thanks for the analgesic effects of exhilaration...and for not having to get up early for anything this morning after having to get up for pain killers in the night. Actually, to be honest, I give thanks for not having to get up for anything (other than a cup of tea) this morning, leave 'early' right out of it!

I guess, to be fair, I'd been suffering with my muscles, tendons and joints all week and if it had not been such a lovely day on Sunday, with such a lovely opportunity, I'd probably quite happily have stayed indoors and soothingly horizontal. And though tired and sore, I give thanks, as usual, for not feeling ill - I'm not nearly so good at being grateful when I do.

I give thanks for a quiet contemplative couple of hours followed by finding something nice I could make for lunch, and a long bath before the chaps upstairs (who never seem grateful) started stomping and crashing around... For giving my hands as easy a time as possible, so only doing the gentlest and most essential chores...and for getting on with some sums, bill paying and online paperwork as the daylight turned bright with that golden slanting evening light on the turning leaves.

Sea worthy

Plan A for today was to go on a boat trip...and I give thanks we actually did! I give thanks for it being a 'real' boat trip, on the sea for the first (and probably only) time for me this year...and one of the best days of the year to do it, being unbelievably unseasonably bright, clear, warm and sunny.

I give thanks for finding a suitable excursion and Mima being up for driving us to and from the embarkation point. For seeing a stretch of coastline from the shore I never have before...and sailing into a harbour I've been to by several other means but have never managed to arrive at in that manner, despite plannng to a couple of times before. For swift slivery glimpses of dolphins and distant seals, and the strangest soothing rocking swell on the return journey though hardly a breeze to ruffle our hair. I give thanks we managed eventually to find something worth eating for lunch at our destination...and that in among all the predictable images of sparkling sea meeting matching blue sky I managed to find another view to snap.

Doing it myself

I've never liked things that go buzz in my hands. You may laugh, people usually do...but it's not funny when I need to make holes in wood or walls and my hands can no longer manage an old fashioned hand drill. A couple of years ago I gave thanks for finding the daintiest little electric one I could find... and even more so for a few times finding someone else to operate it for me. But a situation has now occurred where I reckon I'm going to have to do it myself and I give thanks for starting this process by finally managing to wrestle the power back off the base to charge. Never mind brute strength, the problem is that requires a slightly longer span than I possess between finger and thumb to operate the release buttons and is so frustratingly mancentric... But I did give thanks for it reminding me of the time I had a plasterer in, and he (and other males) thought I ought to be told it changed colour when it dried.

I give thanks for possibly the best Turkish Delight ever, thoughtfully provided by Bob in my treats parcel. What I love about it is that, though pleasantly sweet, it tastes of other things, not sugar, which is not my favourite flavour and the reason I don't often eat 'sweets'...

Today I gave in and had a flu jab, which I've resisted for many years against many dire warnings. I think I give thanks for this. I've had flu two or three times in my life and reckon I'm probably due for another dose sometime soon... Especially as I'm having to spend so much more time where ill people are. The thing that did it for me though was reading that at my stage of renal failure I'm 11 times more likely to die from influenza than a healthy person. When your kidneys fail you're basically dead anyway, dialysis being life support rather than cure, so I guess that statistic kind of brought my fragility home to me quite starkly... You can get a bit blasé if you live in the valley of the shadow of for too long.

I give thanks for resisting offers of further vaccinations against all manner of other ills known to man, woman and mucky duck while my arm was out and waiting, and enjoying the mild mayhem as an unaccompanied golden retriever joined the lines of people entering and emerging from the surgery and gambolled up the stairs. I give thanks for dodging the showers and taking time to appreciate the quiet sea beneath the glowering clouds before coming home again after. For having done the domestic chores before I left so there was a nice 'afternoon off' feeling as I caught up with TV, creative pursuits and cooking...

My speciality

It's been a day of mild mishap, muddle and misdirection, so I give thanks for a gong bath yesterday and acupuncture this morning helping me to go with the flow, and unflow, fairly philosophically. And I'm always grateful for the opportunity to be resourceful and resilient and all that, now aren't I?

I give thanks for Rachel doing the washing up...and for a box of exotic food treats hand picked by Bob from his local speciality supermarket to be reasonably renal diet friendly and to cheer me up about all the renal unfriendliness going on. I give thanks for my kidney still going on as well, of course!

I give thanks for the Co op having some of their lovely rye bread on the shelves again... And for hoping the person finding their Assam teabags that escaped when I repacked my bag in the Post Office likes them as much as I do.

I give thanks for the glorious sunshine which made it very pleasant to be out although it turned out I didn't have to be. And, being very tired, for having a home to come home to even though it's not the home I'd like it to be...

This old thing

I give thanks for a good sleep last night. It was a long time coming, as sleep tends to be these nights, but it was a long one when it arrived. I give thanks I didnt have to be anywhere early today!

I give thanks for all this sunshine but there's a definite nip in the air and when I dug out some of my warmer garments they were looking rather old and tired, I thought. Obviously this means they match the person wearing them, but the person wearing them would rather not be reminded she may not be getting a lot more wear out of a lot of things! I give thanks for deciding I could justify buying a couple of new items which is half the battle - the other being finding stuff I like that I can afford, other than stuff that's on ebay because someone else has already decided it looks old and tired...Oh, and finding stuff to fit of course - that's another challenge. I'm a lot bigger than I was in my twenties...but then so is the rest of the human race!

I give thanks for completing another lengthy round in the Warm Home Discount saga. I've benefited from this for some years but you have to re-apply each time. and this time all manner of technical difficulties have befallen me before I even get anywhere near the eligibilty process. I've yet to even get my hands on the correct paper or pixel form!

I give thanks for a message about some cheap colour co-ordinating fabric I ordered for my rag rug. Apparently there's a bit of a misprint and a crooked cut edge on the piece the seller has left so he wondered if I'd mind extra but substandard for the same price. Obviously in the circumstances no, I don't mind at all, that will do very nicely indeed thank you!

I give thanks for listening to the rustling leaves across the road as I waited for the bus this afternoon. In spring they zing, in summer they sigh, in autumn they rattle and then they're gone. Bit of a metaphor for life there I reckon...

I give thanks for getting to gong town early so I could enjoy a generous take away cuppa and a pack of two stem ginger cookies for a total of £1.30. Plus the beach, which was free...and almost entirely free of people...

Pause and play

I give thanks for trying out couch potato as I watched how to make Portuguese custard tarts on Bake Off last night. I had my first one of those as I travelled down on the train a couple of weeks ago and now realise it would probably be easier to go back up (or to another large station with the same food outlet) than attempt to make my own. I give thanks for pause and play so a snooze could overcome me.

For an interesting look at Barbie dolls on a later programme with Mary Portas (another non Barbie, non Barbie owner of a similar age) trying to pick apart the layers of genderisation of toys and children within the limits of an hour of prime time TV. It's a subject that has puzzled and troubled me since a store grotto Santa gave my brother a coveted battleship and five year old me an unwanted baby doll; that I delved into with glee in my brief access to university anthropological libraries.. and am pleased to see has become a topic for general popular debate.

I give thanks for the bright moon lighting up the clouds that covered it. For the dazzle of sunshine on the sea...the smell of new mown grass.

I give thanks for getting on with that which must be done, and in between dabbling with crafts for the library sale. Yes, I know I said I'd finished my contribution but realised I could usefully use up more materials from my stash if I did more so I've made a couple of pads to go with the cushion covers from spare fabric and filling and am working towards the end of a long running knitted blanket.

I give thanks for rearranging my scheduled activities for the next few days so I could give Molly the cat a bit of attention while Mima is away without having to walk across town. I give thanks she left me cake as I was very ready for a cuppa and a sweet treat after getting off a very crowded bus! For Imee Ooi's Om Mani Padme Hum in my ears drowning out less savoury sounds...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8mWj-qfCW8

After sun

I give thanks for the sunshine waiting for me. Usually it's up and about and been and gone long before I can manage to be so. I've a lot of up and aboutness scheduled over the next few days and was determined to stay indoors give my achy breaky bits a bit more rest, but the afternoon looked so inviting I give thanks for eventually managing to get myself going enough to go.

I give thanks for the warmth of the weather and the people I encountered, whether I knew them or not! For the way time and time again seeing the sea still enchants me. For the pharmacy finally having my new medication delivered just before I arrived.

I give thanks though I'd had lunch just before departing I was rather tempted by a veggie pasty and Viennese whirl in one of the bakeries. They are untouched in my bag and, as I'm even more sore and tired than I was before I set out, they might well turn out to be my tea!

As good as it gets

I give thanks for a cherry tomato with a small side salad today. The diet sheet suggests half an ordinary one but one of those cheery little taste explosions is so much more fun! For trying to be good with food in general...

I give thanks for the pastel sunset over the sea last night, with soft focus moon through the clouds. This evening it's been growing murky and grey and I give thanks for that too, because the sunshine earlier on made my spirit want to be outside but my flesh was not so keen.

I give thanks for taking it as steady and slowly as seemed to be required. For remembering not to mentally beat myself up for not achieving more...with the day... with my life. For contemplating on the concepts of achievement, and of judgement, instead. For making what I like to think is a rather pleasing little themed wordsearch puzzle for the Active Life Active Life month at the library. For the software on my laptop and the brain cells in my active mind that helped this hapoen...

I give thanks for getting some of the things done I wanted to do...and for not doing some of the ones I didn't. I guess that's just about as good as it gets for any of us really, isn't it?

On the bright side

I give thanks for Plan A today, which had been to go on a boat trip...but the weather report being pretty dire a few days ago Mima and I weren't too disappointed when the company cancelled the excursion. Plan B was for a swim in a nearby pool, which we hoped might be quietish around lunchtime...but we tried two and they weren't!

On the bright side the weather was far more clement than we had been led to believe it might be, in fact even on the bright side here and there! I give thanks for tea and cake at the cafe by the second one...followed by an interesting little explore of confusing footpaths in the woods around a church and its cemeteries. For finding this wonderfully patterned hunk of trunk...and a brief visit to a rather nice cove and its rather new snack van which will have to be paid more attention another time...

I give thanks for feeling less achy and feeble than I did yesterday. For remembering my life limiting (rather than life threatening) illnesses have been treating me quite well lately and I shouldn't complain about a bit of pain.