Every day

Every day I give thanks there are people who have good things going on, especially people I know and of a similar generation, because it's easier to be able to imagine their particular personal pleasure. I think it's wonderful that they can still have a sense of purpose, a future to make optimistic plans for, new material gains to make and enjoyable experiences to savour, as well as relative wellness and wealth of course. It makes me smile to think of all the creature comforts that surround them.

I also give thanks for most of them most of the time don't have the slightest inkling how lucky they are, they genuinely can't grasp what it's like to be without the good fortune they take for granted. To reach the latter half of your first century with this incomprehension intact is a treasure of the western world, like the innocence of childhood, and every day I hope they never ever have to face more than a little rain falling in their lives...and that they always have an umbrella!

Once in a while I come across someone who tries to think outside their own little bubble of consciousness, and I give thanks for one of those who has the opportunity to do something I would so love to, but can't, and shared their news with an acknowledgement that it would make me envious and sad. It would be so good for me not to mind all the things I have to leave behind...but I'm not really an angel and I've a way to go to reach that state of enlightenment.

Meanwhile I give thanks for getting through the day, though very tired and rather sore. I give thanks for my neighbour being out a lot and only shouting a little when he came home. For the rain not coming in roof hole. For managing to open a can AND a jar, and do a bit of chopping too so I could have a tasty pasta. For being able to lightly run a vacuum around some of the floors, and hang some laundry on the rack. In my world these are things to be grateful for, not everyday occurrences on the way to the bits that matter. I don't expect you to understand, but thank you for popping by to look.

I am the passanger

It's a big country. I give thanks I got to see a little more of it today. Not as much as I'd hoped to, but though I woke much too early and in too much pain to get back to sleep again, the promising sun after dawn pulled the clouds back over its head and the prettily frosted winter countryside gradually disappeared into murk and rain. I give thanks for the dark silhouetted bare trees against the mist and the light green lichen covered ones standing out against the brown of woods behind. For the sense of going somewhere, even though it was just there and back. I know there are people who are quite happy not to, but for me, no matter how I try to see the same old things in newly appreciative ways, nothing beats seeing different horizons.

I give thanks I packed a picnic. Although (barring landslides) on even the most remote lines in Scotland they understand you'll need a cup of tea and a Tunnock's wafer brought to your seat, the not so great Western railway companies seem to assume you can keep going for hours on the pasty you have about your person every time you venture out.

I give thanks for patience during a long delay, and an even longer poor 'connection', with travelling companions on the whole I'd have preferred to be without, including a whole carriage of high octane freshly unleashed school kids on the final leg of my journey.  For a lessening of aches and pains as the hours passed, and when getting home from the station brought them all back again, for my electric blanket making my bed cosy enough to snuggle back into by the time I'd made a cup of tea. It's the first time I've been properly warm and comfortable since I left it this morning. I give thanks the effort and expense was more than well worth it though - not only did I satisfy my soul with some travel but I picked up some perfect fabric to satisfy my creative urges too!

Machinations

I give thanks I made it to knitting. I didn't actually knit but it was a quiet session so there weren't too many pairs of productive hands to make me envious. I give thanks for reserved books being ready, a cup of tea made for me and there only being chocolate biscuits available so that I had no choice but to have one!

I give thanks for Jenny giving me a lift, stopping on the way so I could drop off my sewing machine for a 'health check'... and that she stopped to check the shop was open before she drove off, as it wasn't! I give thanks she offered to keep it in her boot and try again tomorrow.

I give thanks for the council chap coming to check out the leaky bits, saying if I emailed the 'managers' about it again (yawn) he'd chase up with a phone call to them.

I give thanks for more mobility in my arm...and a lovely long period of immobility in the bath when I got home.

I give thanks for preparing plans to take a trip to seek out more fabric for the sewing I plan to do.

Imposters

Um, ho hum...what to say? Levels of enthusiasm, optimism and equanimity have been very low today so it's a good challenge to set myself...

I give thanks for feeling physically stronger again, and for more movement and less pain in my arm

I give thanks for the lilac light at sundown yesterday

For the sunshine this morning

For Mima feeling like driving somewhere and taking me with her

For a bit of fresh air and exercise, and seeing all the folk out and about enjoying themselves

For an unintentional but very welcome nap on the sofa afterwards

For my appetite coming back...though this does mean I have to think of something to make for my tea

I give thanks for this tale of how kidney failure can lead to success
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-42778554

For reminding myself there have to be people who aren't a success so the others know they are

It will pass

I felt like a kidney patient today so I give thanks that's still a fairly rare occurrence! I give thanks I had a viewer this morning so I had to get up and bustle about and go out in the rain, not lounge about on the sofa until later. I give thanks not much mess has landed on the floor since Laura's quick hoover the other day so I could avoid doing more, and when all my tat was stowed away the place looked pretty spick and span - I would much rather loll around when everything is neat and tidy!

I give thanks for the murkiness which meant for a while I was the only one at the cafe with my cup of tea and toasted teacake... For some extremely over optimistic surfers. There was nothing remotely like surf out there at all...but they provided some mild amusement to passers by as they hung about trying to look like they didn't care.

I give thanks for spotting this patch of violets by the path...

I give thanks for snoozing with a variety of recorded TV including something with some fashion historians analysing, discussing and trying to recreate a dress from a painting. I wonder if in future fashion historians will do the same with the styles the presenters wore in the program. And here we have some vintage TV footage from the early part of the 21st century. Note the prevalence of statement necklaces. What drove these women to choose these items? Take this one that looks like a giant chain...is the wearer referencing her enslavement to fashion?

I give thanks I have so much fun with my crossword compiling software. Since having to re-register publishing puzzles so other people can enjoy them has been a bit problematic though, so I give thanks one of those is sorted at last. A 'tricky quick' to while away a few minutes with maybe?
https://crossword.info/happiness_squared/18TQ1

Travel pass

I give thanks for The Danish Girl being on TV as I'd been waiting to see it..and for the neighbours all being out while I watched so I could give it my full attention. As well as the moving true story line I give thanks for the stunning visuals, though I now have to add Denmark to the list of places I'd love to visit but will have to pass on I guess.

I give thanks for waking earlier than I have done for a while so that I could go for a wander round on my bus pass and pass some hours of enforced manual idleness enjoying the sludgy greens and browns of winter scenery and musing on life's mysteries. For big skies, though big banks of cloud away from here, for a golf course full of geese. For finding a couple more pieces of fabric for the someday sewing project. Aren't the colours and patterns beautiful? I love a bit of batik! I only need narrow strips for what I plan to make and as you usually have to buy a quarter metre I give thanks for a plan for what to do with the rest...

I give thanks for managing to get a clean sheet on my bed (the duvet and pillowcases will have to wait for another time, that was ouchy enough for now) Actually it's a new sheet freshly washed. I give thanks for buying one I like this time...

Ample surficiency

I give thanks for managing to get some sleep despite malfunctioning body parts and apparatus meant to assist them. For managing to get that which needed to be done in the morning done by early afternoon so I could take the rubbish and recycling out via the scenic route while the sun was in the sky. For a tanker heading out to sea and a windsurfer heading in. For the pretty light when I got home.

I give thanks for managing to keep myself fed, and that I eat alone. Food has to be bodged together and my table manners are not fit to be seen nor even always fit for the job. I give thanks I had no idea how hard this would be.

Working it out

I give thanks for planning a lazy day. My main kidney symptom so far is the need for lots of sleep (which I'm also grateful for - it could be so much worse!) so I thought I'd start with a long lie in...and then tackle washing my hair, washing up and getting some of the debris off the kitchen floor. And by then my arm would be hurting too much to do much else for the rest of the day but rest...

I give thanks for Laura scuppering this plan somewhat by wanting to come round and visit. But she brought flowers and milk and it was lovely to see her...and I was very grateful she did some vacuuming too! I gave great thanks she too offered to take me somewhere for my birthday, though the place we decided would be an excellent choice is shut for the winter so will be something to look forward to...not at all a bad thing.

I give thanks for some on line chat with other folk, and a tentative arrangement to meet up with one in a couple of weeks but...after the typing and a smidgen of housework... first my right arm became too painful and then my left began to seize up too so that has to be pretty much all I have to say. I must be very still for a while and think very hard of something I'm allowed to eat that won't be too hard to make for tea...

Pieces of action

Yay, I give thanks I went on a train! Just one stop to a shop that was having a fabric sale. I can't do anything with the pieces of fabric except admire them for now...but the journey was a delight, and I've resolved to go on a few 'day trips' to other fabric shops soon to try and use this frustrating time as best as I can. I've never really reconciled myself to the loss of full use of my left hand so I'm hoping when I get more use of my right one back I'll be a lot more grateful for what movement and manual dexterity remains - at least some of the time anyway! Creativity is such a pleasure and source of solace to me and I cannot imagine I'll be knitting, crocheting or rag rugging for a few weeks more at least, but I'm hoping I could manage simple something on the sewing machine before then...and if I could get that into town for some long overdue TLC it might stop me attempting it too soon. Meanwhile I give thanks for attempting to start a jigsaw, though that too maybe too soon - ouch!

I give thanks for the misty colours in the mizzly rain. For a line of seagulls on a wall...a line of geese in the sky. I give thanks for feeling much more well than yesterday and being able to go out and see such things. For my back and leg hurting less after trying sleeping with a pillow between my knees. For being able to slice a carrot again...

Longed for

I give thanks for the pretty pink grey light a little earlier. For being able to have a bath in the day time (when it's warmer) and for being able to snooze on my bed afterwards as I woke up exhausted and it's not going away.

I give thanks for forgetting I've a small red wound and a big black bruise for longer periods of time, and being able to use my arm for longer and in more usual ways before it reminds me! I give thanks it's easier to keep myself fed, and wash up and tidy away, to do typing in small doses. I can't manage shiatsu, the vacuum or any crafty tools yet so I give thanks I've a new jigsaw I've decided to try as a way of passing some recuperative time.

As Rachel had something on this evening, I'm extra grateful she came to treat me this afternoon instead... with cake and daffs as well as acupuncture needles. For hearing that, although like everyone else she's too broke and busy to want to do much in celebration of my birthday, she is planning to take me up on the moor! The moor is fine by me... The moor is more than I could possibly have hoped for for...

Vanished on the hill

I give thanks for Walter - he gives me such wonderful presents! I wanted to see mountains for my birthday and he's taken me to some stunning ones in France with a blue lake and red roofed town hugging the slopes. Such a feast for the eyes I almost don't mind not being able to knit while watching...

Meanwhile, back in the real world, I do a sort of high pitched whimper like a hopeful dog when I'm near the station but am no nearer coming up with any sensible plan for anywhere to try to get to and enjoy in my rather sore and fragile state. I give thanks for Mima offering to drive me up a hill for tea and cake but when we got there the cafe wasn't! Although the website still insists it's open seven days a week there's clearly some major works going on and half the building's gone. I give thanks for my favourite pub across the water doing the job very well instead.

I give thanks for more movement in my arm, though if I want less pain I'm better off keeping still. For sleeping. For the bits when the neighbours are... or out.

Private conveniences

I give thanks I don't have a hairstyle, and that I fixed my shower head a while back so a half handed hair wash today leaning over the bath wasn't any more complicated than it needed to be. I give thanks for conditioner and an afro comb.

I give thanks for the glimpses of sea and coastline through the bare trees while I rested my poor sore purple and yellow arm before the next challenge of dressing. The view made me want so much to get out of town but I give thanks at least I managed to get into town and pick up a few bits and bobs I could carry, cut up and cook.

I give thanks for our local health food shop stocking fresh organic turmeric and ginger. One of the staff was just ringing up some Taifun tofu for herself and I said 'Ooh I didn't know you sold that!'. Apparently it has to be ordered in but as the lady buying it was also cooking for one and neither of us had tried this flavour before she offered to cut it in half so we both could have some! I give thanks that I live here...

With still no sign of the help with buckets and heavy rain forecast so I give thanks after more ladling eventually I'd emptied the bottom one enough to carry, and the top one enough to be able to lift using my left hand for the strain and my right just to balance and steer. I enjoyed the bit when I thought I didn't have to do this on my own...but as it seems I have to I give thanks I've found a way I can.

As dental hygiene is somewhat problematic with two limp wrists I also did a little tour of chemists looking for mouthwash offers. I give thanks just before I succumbed to one in Boots a distant memory of a voucher stirred in my brain... and later I was grateful to eventually track it down and dig it out from where it had fallen down the back of the bookcase ready for next time.

I give thanks so many simple day to day tasks are painful and painfully slow at the moment. This makes it easier to put up with not being able to do anything creative or constructive in between.

Use less

I give thanks for lovely sunshine and no howling gales so I could get a small load of laundry done and on the rack in front of an open window while I huddled by a heater at the other side of the building. I give thanks for my new washing machine having a very quick cycle...and for any opportunity to limit use of its tumble drying facility!

It's not been a day when at first glance it's been easy to be grateful so I've been trying to remember to appreciate my good fortune that things are not worse than they are.

For some reason my neighbour's not been able to help with the overflowing leak buckets so I give thanks there's not been more rain...and for managing to make a bit more room in them for when there is with a ladle and a jug. For being able to ring the surgical supplies company and rant about the driver not ringing to let me know he was here, so that though I couldn't receive my delivery I could at least let off steam constructively.

I give thanks for finishing compiling a new crossword and looking forward to sharing it to maybe give someone else a few minutes entertainment but the software says my username is already in use (by me!) and won't let me re-register to upload with it...

For realising the phone call I did get (about a lawsuit from HRMC) was a scam. It's so sad there are so many people thinking up and working at these, let alone for those that get caught out by them. I had a lot of pain today, not just in my arm, and felt so useless not being able to do much but lie on the sofa snoozing with books and TV, so I thought to give thanks at least I wasn't trying to do harm...until I started feeling bad about the amount of health service resources I've used over the last few years.

Golden shred

I give thanks the swelling's gone down and I've regained some ease of movement in my wrist. On the whole I wouldn't recommend a stroke, a stoma and surgery on your one good arm...unless you also have a lot of patience and a great sense of humour too...

I give thanks for also being able to notice and appreciate even the littlest bits of brightness like a shaft of weak sun illuminating a tiny shred of peel in my hard won morning marmalade on toast. It loked so much like real gold I had to check it wasn't a foreign body.

I give thanks I don't need dialysis to keep me alive yet and could devote the last few days to attending to other vital processes...including recovery from rather more close interaction with rather more strangers than is comfortable for me. For a long soak in the bath without getting my wound wet, a first attempt at hair detangling and finally getting dressed and outdoors for a spot of sun before the drench of rain. For the sharing some light hearted banter with helpful folk at the doctor's and hospital (by phone) and in the pharmacy in person. They all seemed in such a good mood today!

Five finger exercise

I give thanks for

Lots of 3/4 cups of tea

Lots of healing sleep

BBC Little Women adaptation + Book on crime scene investigation and  science

Managing non negotiable failure not an option aspects of personal care

SwiftKey (minimal typing - left arm getting sore now too)

One arm juggling

I give thanks to my left arm for doing its best to save my right one from pain and strain, performing tasks it's usually excused on grounds of instability and ineptitude like carrying cups and getting food into my mouth. For much bravery and concentration too where boiling water or hot dishes are concerned, and so far not to much mess and spillage.

I give for managing all unavoidable two hand or right handed tasks without it hurting too much. ..and avoiding most avoidable ones like wearing proper clothes, doing my hair or opening the door to keep things that way!

I give thanks for all the snacks and meals I pre arranged or prepared including making an oaty apple crumble on Sunday night so I can have a few spoonfuls of reward each time I go in the kitchen... For the neighbours being mostly quiet so I can snatch a few naps in the gaps.

One hand clapping

I give thanks for a posh bus to the hospital for my op today...comfy leather seats, good suspension and free wifi so I could start writing this post while both hands are operational(ish).

I give thanks for a beautiful day, though a little showery to leave the buckets knowing I'll not be able to empty them later.  For a quest to see snowdrops rewarded (crocuses too!), rainbows in the sky and flocks of geese in the fields.

I give thanks for Julie being free at short notice to pick me up afterwards when Laura woke up with her back too bad to drive. For the hospital staff not driving me completely mad...and vice versa...and that though the surgery didn't go as smoothly as planned, it proceeded with patience and good humour on all sides and we are cautiously optimistic it has worked this time.

I give thanks for being home with a Higgedy pie in the oven and a plan to do very little except eat, read and sleep and watch recorded TV for the next couple of days. Although not major surgery under general anaesthetic, the physical trauma and stress of the awareness while it's going on can leave you pretty exhausted for a while.

Sofa so something

I give thanks for dreaming last night I had a wonderful friend who took me on adventures. We were struggling a little to pitch a tent on sand as the dusk gathered in some far flung place and she was saying how much she worried about me and all the danger I was in. And I replied we were all in danger all of the time, emphasising how much I appreciated her helping me have such marvellous experiences but also myself for making sure I enjoyed them the best I could.

And then I woke in the dark in lots of pain wishing it was true! I've had a lot of bad dreams lately but you know it's the good ones that mostly cause me the most grief. I give thanks for trying to be grateful instead.

So much of my life I've not felt safe, some situation or someone always seeming ready to do me harm. I give thanks for all the solace and joy I've found in nature... in seas and trees and skies and mountains, in colour and shape and sound and light. For learning to find the wonder in the mundane and the little marvels in the everyday. For books for escapism, entertainment and education. For the far-flung places I've been on film or TV screen.

For all the people I have loved, and for loving myself failings and failures and all. For giving and forgiving and trying to be kind.

I give thanks for sofas. I've only owned one new one ever, but I've inherited a few and slept on a few of other people's when I've not had a home ... And I've had futons when my bed and sofa has had to be the same thing. Now I just have an old single bed in the living room, as I don't have a spare bedroom and never seem to have enough spare cash to buy one (second bedroom or sofa haha!) I give thanks I've finally finished its 'makeover' with new cushions and covering. I give thanks for my creativity and ability to make comfortable homeliness in small spaces and with little outlay. It may not look like much in the picture but it feels rather sumptuously *slumptuous* to me!

Say cheese!

I give thanks for a decicious supper of mini red onion and goats cheese pastries They are the sort of thing I make when I'm doing food to share not least because they're so simple and hard to mess up...but of course it also means I can run up a few for myself at short notice if the ingredients are to hand. I give thanks for all butter ready rolled puff pastry. Yes I do know how to make my own, enjoy the process and am actually pretty good at it too I reckon, but it would be a lot of faff for a few mouthfuls...and of course I'm only supposed to eat a few mouthfuls of cheese!

I give thanks for enjoying this plate of delight (I had them with a small crisp conference pear) while watching a programme on whether beauty products are worth it. As you might have noticed these don't feature a great deal in my routines, and as I don't intend to change my ways I wasn't expecting to find the subject very enthralling but it certainly was, especially the psychology behind our perceptions of appearances - of ourselves, of others and of the packaging and marketing.

This morning despite lots of sleep I could have still lazed in bed an hour or two more, and I gave thanks I didn't have to be rushing around cleaning and tidying for a viewer. I gave thanks I managed to get ready in time to catch the bus and meet Mima who had a Christmas voucher to spend. I didn't of course but was happy to spend time enjoying the view from the top deck of the south wind stirred up sea, and my half of a veggie sharing platter which had way too much of a delicious cheese selection. It also came with the friendliest and best service ever including trips to the kitchen to find out more about the menu, whisking away a cup that wasn't quite right while laying the table (too quickly for me to see what was wrong), offering us a free plate of the lovely warm bread to help us eat up all the cheese and a top up for the teapot too, all with very genuine seeming smiles and good humour. I don't know how they pick and train their staff there but it certainly works!

It's catching!

I give thanks for buying a little bunch of daffs to brighten the place up for the viewing tomorrow, as now the viewing's been postponed, due to illness at the agents', I have them to brighten the place up for me! In a week of twists of fortune and bad dates with fate, this change was actually rather a relief as I was late back from town after trying to sort out missing prescriptions and missing doctors to sign them...so quite grateful about not having to start wielding the vacuum straight away. I give thanks for being able to relax for a while and catch up with myself instead.

I give thanks for finding some food to eat without a lot of effort and some recorded TV to mask the sounds of the folk next door coughing. Poor things - sounds like at least two of them have the plague!

I give thanks for an interesting 'incidental' chat with my nice dentist...For making the staff laugh at the surgery...

For a singing tree of invisible birds when I got close to home...

Wash day news

My goodness I am tired this evening after another very necessarily physical day. I give thanks for all the moving and getting under and behind, and a start on the putting back. Someone asked me earlier if I'd noticed any difference from yesterday's iron infusion and I initially said no, but I've done so much and actually it's a different sort of exhaustion from the one when you feel your heart is just going to give out...so maybe I do and I give thanks for that! With my op still scheduled for Monday and a viewer due on Saturday there's still a lot more to get done before I can be still...so long may it continue..

I give thanks as a result of my efforts not only were unusually exposed areas available for cleaning today but the washing machine delivery guys were able to get in and out and through my flat with no problems, though the stupid sticky door/carpet downstairs caused some trouble. I give thanks for their carrying of the heavy objects, fitting and removal of the packing - the latter a very useful part of the service when you share communal bins and don't want to be the one filling them with polystyrene!

This is only the second new washing machine I've ever had in my life and they've got a bit scary and space age in recent years so I give thanks for finally taking the plunge and starting to put it through its paces with the waiting wet laundry...hopefully over time it will 'settle in' and not try to head back out the building in the last stages of its spin!

I give thanks as I write this someone is on the stairs trying to fix the dodgy lighting. Woohoo! Maybe they meant it about fixing the roof too...

A little more conversation

I give thanks I managed to fight my way into a jar of pesto and a can of tuna for my tea as all that surprising strength I'd been putting to good use baling out and mopping up ran out just about the time the hunger kicked in! And oh my goodness I was grateful I've not got stitches yet and could have a proper soak in the bath before resting on my turned and flattened mattress...

The buses to the hospital and back were very busy give thanks for finding unshared window seats both ways. For remembering to be pleased for the chatteriest elderly lady in front of me on the first one who clearly didn't make the journey often and gave a running commentary on what she could see and what she thought about it to her companion...and for Imee Ooi's Chant of Metta in my ears to facilitate tolerance. For Imee Ooi's Om Mani Padme Hum facilitating restraint on the return journey when I sat behind a chap with the silkiest looking grey hair, cut short but long enough to creep over the turned up collar of his charcoal wool coat. The urge to reach out and stroke both was almost overwhelming!

I give thanks for the lovely (new to me) sister in renal anaemia getting the infusion into my blood stream without too much damage and for being a very pleasant conversational companion to boot. For seeing one or two patients having dialysis who didn't look half dead already, which is always encouraging, although one appeared to be completely covered by a coverlet, face and all...which was not!

For passing this scene. Ratty little terriers aren't my favourite canine type but this one seemed to have a point to make!

A good day to die

I give thanks my washer/dryer died today as next week, or even later in this one, would have made it much harder to sort out. Another time entirely would have been easier still, but still... I knew it wasn't well, I'd just hoped it could hang in there a bit longer. I give thanks I could find the money to pay for a new one, and I guess I should be grateful the situation also solved the conundrum of whether to splash some cash on booking some trip or treat for my birthday that the doctors might end up forcing me to cancel...as if I booked one now the bank manager would call it off instead! Not quite managed equanimity regarding that yet though...

I do give thanks unequivocally for the lovely chaps at Woolacotts who found and will bring me a new machine on Thursday. I also give thanks that a second ultra cosy thermal top bought on line yesterday arrived today as the other one's still mucky and wet til then...and that I wasn't trying to change the colour of anything which I'd planned to do before getting a new machine. It definitely wouldn't have been a good day to dye!

I give thanks for my electric blanket, not only warming the sheets before I get in bed at night, but warming them again for when I come back to it with a cup of tea in the morning. I give thanks for using this facility in the very early hours when acupuncture and an active mind kept me awake very late. I give thanks to Rachel for the treatment and the good it did me, as well as a good conversation about important things like philosophy and fabric crafts, yoga breathing and baked beans!

I give thanks for feeling much stronger than yesterday which was particularly useful in the circumstances with baling out and mopping up to be done. Before the angels came for the washing machine I'd just stripped my bed ready to turn the mattress which for some reason was about ten times easier than it's ever been before...clearly that therapy hit the spot. Oh and I've just realised no one rang me to tell me how ill I am after all. Always a bonus I find...

Down but not quite out

Despite wearing two pairs of gloves to the doctor's today, the few remaining permitted access points for the drawing of blood withdrew themselves from service and it was a protracted and painful process. Oh well I give thanks I tried, and tried to put the poor soul tasked with its gathering at her ease. It's not much fun for them either you know! I'd not been feeling very bright all day and I give thanks for her kindness and quick thinking when it felt as if she'd drained all my blood when she'd finally succeeded, as I was so woozy and faint I had to give in to her recommendation to lie down. Next time we'll have you lying down first, she suggested...but I said waiting til I'd actually fainted would be best for me then I'd know nothing about it!

I give thanks for recovering and meeting one of my nice neighbours (sadly soon due to move) on the way out so we could have a bit of a chat in front of the tumbling waves on the churning brown sea.

I'm not going to give thanks there was a Big Issue seller on the street as it would be nice if no one had to drop so far down the ladder of life, but I do give thanks for that bottom rung for them to try to pull themselves up again, and that I always try to be willing to offer a hand with the £2.50 when I can. Today I had no change and neither did he, so I waited by his pile of papers and blanket wrapped dog while he went to a cafe to get some...and then a lady came to try and buy a Big Issue off me! I give thanks for the wake-up call regarding my sense of sartorial style...

I give thanks for a long lie down when I got home, grabbing a quick lunch on the way so that when the phone rang I was ready to do battle with anyone who said I needed more tests. I've more needles to contend with on Weds and unless they break in and drag me out before then that will be quite soon enough for me...I give thanks it was actually Laura calling to sort out arrangements for next week, bless her!

Absolute zero

I give thanks for eventually getting out of bed today -  for a rather depressed and anaemic person in a rather cold flat this is probably more remarkable than you realise. For finding enough layers to comfortably wear to be bearably insulated, and for the comfort of a hot water bottle and quilt for the bits in between doing things. For doing things, despite little sense of motivation or point. Which is the point I suppose... plus it seems a sin to not be hurting and not to find a way to make myself. For getting on with making myself some new soft furnishings to make up for not being able to have a new home or furniture. For more cleaning of often overlooked places and finding last year's bulb pots sprouting shoots despite utter neglect.

I give thanks for keeping myself fed - on the day before a blood test this is extra hard as there's an awareness that everything I put in my mouth is potentially toxic. For spending the day alone and with minimal virtual contact as in the mood I'm in what comes out of it is quite likely to be as well

Blue sky not thinking

I give thanks for the bright blue sky this morning, for the sunshine warm enough to have the window open a smidge and hear the wind howling through the gap. I felt too blue to face the day so I give thanks for imagining the one I might have had if I'd been better at life, starting with someone bringing me a cup of tea and a slice of toast of course!

I give for feeling fairly physically strong and pain free and for finally talking myself out of bed to spend the afternoon doing some light cooking and serious cleaning. For thus keeping mostly warm and mostly free from thinking.

I give thanks for my crossword software downloading just fine to my new laptop. I'd been so worried it wouldn't I was scared to try. For thus having puzzle making to puzzle over instead of other pointlessnesses.

For finally thinking of some things to say...

Water water everywhere

I give thanks for making it to the gong bath without getting too wet or cold or blown away on the way. For a lot less pain and more energy afterwards.. There was almost a spring in my step today.

For being able to help a little with the clearing up afterwards, most notably emptying hot water bottles and carrying unused drinking ones out to the car...and being home to empty the rain container so it would last the night. Next time I'm coming back as a Pisces. Less water bearing and more swimming for me!

I give thanks I managed to squeeze my mini glittery mistletoe tree into the box where the other decorations live. It's always been a puzzle where to put it out of season and now it's not only packed away but it feels like I've been *packing* which is always a joy! I give thanks for deciding the reason I've not been able to sell my flat is that the right place for me to buy isn't available yet. Obviously this is just tweaking my perceptions, just as I'll have to tweak them if I did have a buyer and then looked to see what was out there I could afford. But it's all about perceptions isn't it? Meanwhile, back in the more usual version of reality I give thanks for unexpected sparkles everywhere including my face and hair!

I give thanks for getting all I meant to do done in town and get home again before my before my stoma bag, which had been threatening to spring a leak since installing it in the morning,  could its worst. For feeling strong enough to get back up the hill on foot as buses are too scary when you're in that state... though not as bad as cabs.  For this meaning I got to enjoy the slow breaking waves and the pastel sky and sea.

For eventually drying the many tears shed when I discovered my prescription support wear had come in the wrong colour and can't be changed. It's essential you have it but expensive to buy your own so you can get quite excited when your allotted allowance of this plain but serviceable product becomes due... Well until the order goes wrong of course. Nice underwear like nice food and travel is something I've yet to fully accept with good grace I am no longer able to enjoy, though I do better if people who still can refrain from telling me I'm lucky to have had them in the past or have had 'enough' of course... There's something about not even being able to choose from one small range the colour of your own knickers though that seems downright demeaning somehow.

You can do magic

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the pain. I give thanks Carole King did it better...and that I didn't have anything requiring me getting moving sooner. Including rain. And that when I finally got myself up and about enough to attend to those arrangements only the uppermost container was overflowing...and the overflow one had caught a fair bit of that.

I give thanks for Charlotte downstairs forwarding an email from the new building manager saying scaffolding will be going up soon. Am I convinced? Haha... Not so much but it's just lovely having someone else on the case.

I give thanks for Sally confirming someone could give me a lift back to town here after gongs this evening. It was much easier for me when there was an afternoon session, more buses, daylight etc but I'm sure the somewhat daunting task of getting myself and the essentials there staying warm and dry on the way will seem more than worth it during and after....

I give thanks for 'allowing' myself a loll in front of the TV to conserve some energy and enthusiasm after I'd done essential chores...even though is was still daylight and not still Christmas either. Cracks me up - 90% dead and still wondering of it's OK to have a bit of a sit down now and then...

I give thanks for the second of the Royal Institute lectures including a raven solving a complicated puzzle live in the auditorium and a daughter with electrodes on her head in another part of the building thinking about one of two colours on left or right while her mother picking up signals from electrodes on her arms to say which one. Ten out of ten times right apparently - ah, you gotta love science sometimes eh?

I give thanks for my new blender whipping me up a calorie laden snack before departure as I'll be out for teatime but won't be out for tea...

Never mind

I give thanks for the festive Never Mind the Bakeoff East 17 pastiche making me chuckle. No, I know that's not its name but with Noel Fielding in it really should be!

For Sainsbury's frozen soya mince which I've never bought before, and may not buy again as there's not one nearby, but which proved to be remarkably tasty even cooked the dreary renal way without tomato, mushroom, yeast/vegetable extract or any kind of stock!

I give thanks for a response from the council man regarding the roof. Predictably he asked if I'd been in touch with the freeholder and if I could get anyone else to empty buckets. Sigh. He did say he'd try come and have a look though...

I give thanks for Mima agreeing to brave driving in the wind to see about ordering her new kitchen tiles and for me to pick up a hand blender. Unfortunately the Argos where we were going was out of stock of any I'd buy and while we were looking (successfully but rather slowly) elsewhere the cafe we wanted to go to shut. I give thanks for some remarkably nice cake in a sort of repurposed pub doing proper teas and coffees, pizza, breakfasts, salads - the lot - with alcohol as an optional extra. A little strange...but very pleasant.

I give thanks I might be able to get gonged tomorrow. It's not certain yet, depending on a number of variables including weather and whether I feel energetic enough to go to the next town in the evening but even the thought that I might be able to is something to enjoy.

Fair cop

I give thanks this week's Book at Bedtime - How to Stop Time beautifully written by Matt Haig, beautifully read...and with beautiful music at the beginning and end as well. For watching the 100 Foot Journey last night. Don't often do romance/happy family films but this was also about acceptance of difference...and cooking!

I give thanks for keeping on trying to stick to my kidney diet though when I'm low in spirits I find it especially hard as all my favourite comforting flavours are banned, or only allowed in frustrating taste awakening mouthfuls. I give thanks for managing to stay, if not what you'd call warm, at least not shivering cold - there's a lot of wind comes in that hole as well as a lot of water and my body is missing the insulating effects of chips and cheese and chocolate!

I give thanks for the young lady downstairs responding to my note by coming up to offer assistance with the leak, emptying buckets and getting on to the people who should be sorting out mending it. It made me emotional in a glad way instead of a sad way to think I might not have to be the only one dealing with it all any more. I give thanks for discovering she's a police officer - makes me feel a bit safer too!

I give thanks for getting a letter to the new managers written and posted as I've a horrible feeling if the council chap responds he'll say we have to write the last two years off and start all over again by starting off informing them of the problem.

I give thanks for realising all those people who go on about what they 'deserve' are just voicing their own discourses of self justification and I should try not to let them get to me. As for the ones who tell me what I don't, whether they're looking for the quick hit of a put-down, the slow glow of smug comparison, or genuinely believe I need to know the ways in which they think I fail, I think I should try to find more compassion for them because none of those seem healthy or helpful to the judger or the judged.

Not enough

Though I'm not a fan of needles and 'procedures' and the trek to the hospital and back I give thanks I'm booked for some intravenous iron next week to boost my low ferritin. Maybe I'll feel a bit less feeble, not needing quite so much sleep and so many naps in between...

I give thanks for tiring myself out in a nice way today, going for a drive/walk with Mima in some 'spacious acres'. Top marks for the marketing team I think, don't you? For the weather holding up, for the supermarket having good bread and a slicing machine, and for the comfiest armchairs for a cup of tea in a pub with picture frames wrapped in Christmas paper.

I give thanks for listening to an interview with someone who delivers aid to refugees reminding me of the fluidity of our concepts of 'enough' and 'good enough', how we have one set of standards for ourselves and a sliding scale for other people - usually those we're closest to emotionally being perceived as nearest to ourselves in worthiness. I seem to mostly rank quite low in other people's eyes, often being told they are supposed to have bigger/better/more etc because they've 'worked for it'...but this has been going on since before I was of working age and doesn't seem to apply to money or comforts that don't come from wages per se, so there's more to it than that.

Oh well, I give thanks for working on trying to understand the world and the ways of people in it. For trying to see beyond the subtle caste systems in our heads. It may not be considered to be of enough value but it's all that I can do.

I give thanks for managing to empty the full container of rainwater this morning without spilling it. Maybe I've not worked hard enough to have a roof that doesn't leak, or a roof that leaks is good enough for me? Hmm... I'll have to think about that.