Seventy

I give thanks for breakfast in bed and afternoon tea in the bath! Of course I had to serve myself but I made particularly delicious porridge and used some of a Lush bomb I'd bought myself so I felt pampered for Mother's Day. For lots of reading books and catching up with TV since I came home yesterday, and for murkier weather so I didn't feel the need to be outdoors today and could potter about in my dressing gown.

I give thanks for many little forays from mattress and sofa to get on with preparing for an early dialysis session tomorrow morning, Jan's arrival early Monday afternoon and our joint departure on Tues lunchtime for our little holiday. For lots of cooking and packing and so on done...and for not too much more to do tonight. I give thanks for readers who refrain from telling me to leave unnecessary tasks - trust me I only do the ones that seem necessary to me, those which keep me nourished and hygenic, give me comfort, ease of living, pleasure and satisfaction...in pretty much that order too!

I give thanks for my £7 'Pound'land jeggings - don't knock it til you've tried it (on) which you can't do in the shop unfortunately.  Mine were perfect fit though - get on!

For the rather gripping Father, Mother, Son which I only meant to watch a few minutes of to see if Richard could possibly be still hot at 70 (he can!) but which drew me in, and for shocking investigation into the investigation the Yorkshire Ripper murders in which the institutionalised misogyny and dinosaur brained attitudes of the police made them more or less accessories to the later crimes. For women everywhere who did (and still do) their bit to rage against the cage of male hegemony, even if its only raising sensible sons. Oh and I give thanks for mine sending me sweet treats not too injurious to my health.

Sixty-nine

I give thanks for a day waiting to get onto buses on the way to wait to do useful things. I've been in lots of sorts of pain but quite energetic so this was really rather pleasing apart from all the standing around. I give thanks for absolutely fabulous weather and for some of the usefulness being taking refreshments outdoors! For making frequently repeated journeys more interesting by making an effort to spot things I'd not noticed before, or might have missed, and for being quite successful too! I give thanks for virtually no human interaction beyond the virtual kind which, after a week in which I've talked to people every day, was a welcome recharge of my inner emotional batteries.

For a white haired lady hand feeding a swan - that's not something you see every day! Oh and a young man with a small green parrot on his shoulder just casually chatting with friends! For a horse trainer with a trainee walking round them on a length of rope.

For an accident causing a bus detour so from the top deck I could see the rear view of some sumptuous town houses normally screened by high fences and walls. For my nearest Greg's shop now selling those delicious vegan sausage rolls... Oh and a message and box of Mother's Day something from Bob! The postman rang the bell far too early if you ask me, but though the entry part doesn't work the phone part comes in handy so I could ask if it needed signing for (no) and could he leave it downstairs then please for me to pick up later (yes, and tucked out of sight from the pavement behind a handy pillar)

Sixty-eight

I give thanks for the lull of the fog this morning quietening everything down. For discovering through my Facebook quest to track down Cathy's cousin for her has been successful.  They've not been in touch for years and she didn't know what her married name was and I said 'Oh I'll spread the word on local Facebook sites' excited that I could do something useful for someone else for a change, but without any real idea how it would go of course.

I've been very tired today, but I give thanks I did a lot yesterday which probably has a lot to do with it. For making up Jan's bed for Monday just in case I'm tired all the way until then!

I give thanks for a just right pear from the tea tray - I'd seen them and wondered if it were worth the risk, and it was perfect, not too firm or too mushy.

I give thanks for a visit from the consultant who says she'll write me a letter for my PIP application. She also says now they've seen how I'm doing they're putting my treatment up by 15 mins, which bearing in mind I was expecting 30 mins or even an hour is not bad at all. I give even more thanks it's the weekend though and I have two whole days off!

Sixty-seven

I give thanks for feeling vaguely human last night after treatment. I couldn't do much but I did a bit more than just falling asleep on the sofa for a change, washing a few cups etc. I give thanks for feeling fairly bright after a not too good night. They warn you your blood pressure might tumble but it's my spirits that do, and dark thoughts and emotions in the early hours seem to be par for the course.

Though it would be an exaggeration to say I'm more energetic today, I give thanks for it being less effort moving around and for going out without a minder - I've not done that for a while. For lots of seats in the park to rest on between forays to the shops and for a couple of treats from the charity ones - a cushion for the French quarter and a tunic top for me.

I give thanks I've heard from the DWP they don't plan to penalise me for spending some of my pension buying a new home. Still waiting to see if they are ever going to stop penalising me for selling the old one..

I give thanks for the warm weather and a warm visit from Christine and Michael with my remaining much missed plants, plus much praise for my becoming lovely flat. I give thanks by chance I had homemade biscuits to offer too! For a nice relaxed lie down on the sofa after they had gone

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Sixty-six

I give thanks for another glorious spring day. For managing to do enough of what needed to be done to go and wait for the taxi twenty mimutes early in order to enjoy the sunshine...and for beating the tourists to a seat!

I was worried I might be given a hard time for returning to the ward but everyone was very nice and of course I was delightful in return! I'm not always a mardy cow! I give thanks for being by a long window so I could see trees and grass and birds, and for the bits when I didn't have to listen to the TVs of fellow patients, because that made it feel rather like a care home day room. I give thanks for Netflix for providing alternative entertainment, and for Mima lending me her Kindle, especially now I've finally worked out how to go back to the beginning of a book she's already read. That took a while...

I give thanks for being home, and that I made enough dinner for two nights yesterday.

Sixty-five

I give thanks for my microwave and something to put in it for my tea last night. For eating alone so I could lift the plate up to my mouth and shovel - the least painful way to get food in. For the internet delivering an episode of celebrity Stand Up to Cancer Bake Off to cheer me up, and for fast forwarding through the stories which I knew would not. For an early night and lots of sleep.

I give thanks for a taking it slowly this morning. For crumpets with lemon curd for breakfast and leftover bits for lunch so no preparation required and not much clearing up after. For calling the dialysis schedule lady about something else and hearing that I am now officially down on the list for a slot at the place I want to have treatment. Want being a relative term of course!

I give thanks for, eventually, getting outdoors on this lovely day. For Mima driving me up the road to get prescriptions and then out to the Warren for tea and cake in the sunshine and a look at the sparkly sea creeping up onto the sand in tiny waves. For help getting shopping etc in town here afterwards and for making progress on various stages cooking tea when I got home after, before and in between resting on the sofa. I did more moving around today than I've done for quite a few weeks and various body parts are complaining. Worth it though!

Sixty-four

Well that was horrid afternoon! I give thanks for remembering to give thanks for the comfy chair at least...

I give thanks for completing the most pressing tasks of the morning - making my lunch and writing letters, making phone calls and sending emails about various medical matters.  There were loads of confusing automated texts about transport for later but you can't answer them and anyway it seems to be par for the course. I give thanks the driver called to ask where I lived while I was still indoors and could hear him! He'd arrived a bit earlier than I expected so I was grateful he stopped by the post box for me to post the freshly stamped post, but then as soon as I was settled back in the car I started getting loads more messages and realised I'd been sent two taxis - one from each hospital!

I got off the phone from calling about that in time to work up a bit of a tizz about trusting my treatment to new hands. Then I failed the quiz about what needles I had, what anaesthetic, pump flow etc. I kept saying look I'm a beginner, I'd no idea on Friday I'd need to know these things today or I'd have asked... Then I was made to feel bad about my blood pressure being high!

Next I discovered there was no internet acceas, then someone came up and told me I'd be here all week and I started getting tearful fretting that they meant to transfer me permanently instead of to the place I thought had been agreed. Then the ward clerk had twenty unanswerable questions about who had booked my transport and how I was getting home, then she came back and said it was sorted for later today but when I asked about later in the week she went off on one again and wanted to know who'd told me. And of course I didn't know the answer to that either...and was getting increasingly distressed.

Then someone else came up and started grilling me about who had said what, wanting a name, description. She said patients had had letters about  'areas' and I would probably be coming there in the long term not the place I wanted and I really started crying. Really? Spend the rest of my life with these unsympathetic people and abandon all plans of fitting treatment into my life instead of the other way round. She gave me a paper towel and disappeared for a while before coming back to say it really would only be for this week. I was sceptical but decided to concentrate on making sure it was at least in the afternoon...

Then she went off and discussed my anxieties in the corridor outside and the one who'd said I'd be here all week came and explained how poorly patients who had gone over to the main unit were. Nonetheless they'd decided to send me back there as despite being 'younger and more stable' (medically) than the other patient on a temporary transfer they had run out of afternoon slots and I was clearly a drama queen. Well, they weren't her exact words but that was the implication! Maybe I am, I don't know, but I don't remember being messed about, bullied and interrogated being in any of the literature I was given on renal therapy, and there was really no need for it to happen or for anyone to blame me...

Sixty-three

Mmm...I give thanks for another reasonable night's sleep. That's two in a row! For the bliss of having a morning cup of tea brought to me in bed. For clean sheets and a turned mattress - so much easier with three pairs of hands, though I let John and Jo do the duvet cover themselves. Years of co-operative marriage mean they have this process down to a fine art. Poetry in motion it was!

I give thanks for finding the chap on the Internet had picked up the empty box from down by the bins as he said he would. I'd a couple more ready to go so I messaged him on the off chance he'd like those too and he whisked them off from the doorstep as well with no face to face interaction required. Ideal!

I give thanks for glorious spring weather today and a trip up to glories of the moor for yummy toasted brie and cranberry sandwich and potter about admiring views and local crafts and ponies. For a drive down one of my most favourite lanes with picture box cottage on a sunny bend surrounded by flowering trees and shrubs. For the lovely company and interesting conversation, and for the great kindness and thoughtfulness of my companions who fetched and carried and cooked and hoovered and treated me. For a little nap on the sofa after they'd gone - it's been fun but it's been tiring!

Sixty-two

Woohoo! I give great thanks for finally finding out who is responsible for maintenance and repairs here as I was being passed to and fro between the people I believed were and getting nowhere. I'm also grateful they seem to be making the right noises!

I give thanks the pre-cooked tea I had prepared for yesterday was a not too saucy microwavable pasta as I couldn't have chopped, cut or stirred anything to save my life! My right arm was too sore to bend a spoon to my mouth so I'm grateful my left hand made a messy but ultimately successful attempt at it!

I'm grateful for a reasonable amount of sleep, in between not too distressingly long patches of pain and wakefulness. For reminding myself again and again that stressing over money will not make it grow. If the government wishes me to starve so be it, but by hook or by crook I'm determined not to lose my lovely comfortable and comforting flat! For waking up early enough to chop and cut and stir the ingredients to go in the slow cooker for a stew for lunch with my friends. For my arm hurting a bit less and, though my hands started complaining, I could have a soothing bath and ignore them!

I give thanks for the stew turning out really rather good, especially since I've never made one like it before, made up the recipe and, as a special treat to my oldest friends in gratitude for 40 years of veggie food cooked for me, included organic chicken! I give thanks for going out for delicious cakes for afters via cute ducklings and a scary missed call from the hospital. When I listened to the voicemail I was grateful this was to ask me if I'd mind going to a satellite unit for my treatment on Monday as they have some ill people who need to come from there to the acute ward. Now having just begun to get the hang of things there actually I do mind but I'm aware and very grateful it means they think I'm stable and doing well...and even more so that I managed to change a morning slot to an afternoon one!

I give thanks rumour has it I'll be having my tea cooked in a bit :-)

Sixty-one

I give thanks for clouds like mountain ranges on the horizon yesterday, and for a parcel of books and pampering hand cream from Ann.

I give thanks for not having a shelf put up specially for the stereo as it doesn't work just as well on the bookcase as it would have anywhere else. Oh poop. I suspect it's a wiring thing inside so I shall just leave it where it is and dream of a visitor with a soldering iron and listening to some old tunes...

I give thanks for some sleep, eventually, but oh I wanted more and wish either my body or my schedule would allow it. I'd hoped to pop to the shops but there was too much else to do. I give thanks for cobbling together some lunch and tea - these being the most essential tasks and for the most of the boxes being taken away. For moments of interest glimpsed from the taxi windows - a cocker spaniel accompanying a man on a mower, spring flowers by the roadside, the clever but scary digger style machine in the woods that picks up felled trees, strips the branches and cuts into lengths. For nice shortbread with my cup of tea.

I give thanks dealing with great fatigue and much pain as best I can, and all the niggling struggles physical and otherwise that are making life such hard going at the moment. I give thanks the nurse finally managed to stem the flow of blood when the needles came out and I could set off for home. My arm is so sore I don't want to type any more. I give thanks when I've posted this I can let it have a rest.

Sixty

I give thanks for sleep, what marvellous stuff! For waking feeling quite refreshed though morning chores soon put paid to that despite fitting in numerous small rests. I look forward to the day when 'Oh you'll feel so much better on dialysis' comes to pass. Meanwhile I give thanks I'm gradually getting to the end of the moving in jobs  - unpacking and finding at least temporary homes for things.

I give thanks for Julie doing some shopping for me... For the marvels of mobile communication that made this so much easier on both sides. And for the miracle of the internet so I could advertise my free empty banana boxes and someone could respond. There's nine of them and I put 'can be split' on the post partly because they can and partly as it appealed to my sense of humour.

I give thanks for someone saying she'd pick them up and getting them all ready. Ah, the misplaced bliss of believing people... On the other hand I give thanks for not having to go downstairs again - it's been a down and up sort of day! I give thanks for more misplaced delight when I had a call from the DWP. I thought maybe they'd forgiven me for selling my flat but no, they wanted to find out why I'd taken money out of my pension. To buy another I said, because the money from selling my flat you are punishing me for wasn't enough... Oh dear, it gets worse doesn't it?

Meanwhile I give thanks for all the sorting out Julie helped me with this afternoon. Look I have kitchen curtains! I also have a stereo but it doesn't seem to be working - hopefully it just needs me to go through the remaining boxes I've just stacked up and find the remote control! Some other day...

Fifty-nine

Oh Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz? No, sorry, but you can travel to hospital in one of their executive range this afternoon. Very nice! I give thanks for getting to ride in so many cars, some of them certainly above your average taxi standard. And that the company now has the right address - though of course that doesn't mean they can find it...or will attend the premises at the correct time. When my door buzzer went not long enough after I'd fallen asleep again after a horrid night I give thanks I thought about all the things it could be and decided none of them mattered and dropped off again. It was only when I woke up properly and looked at the missed calls and messages on my phone I realised it was the wrongly timed car I had been assured twice had been cancelled.

Hmm what else do I find good about the treatment? Having the other needly things, blood tests and intravenous supplements going through the machine is a bit of a relief I am grateful for. Oh and I like someone coming and asking if you'd like a cup of tea and a little snack! Apart from that...Hmmm. At the moment the worst part is that it exacerbates 'restless legs syndrome' which I have suffered from mildly and infrequently in recent years in more body parts than the name suggests. Last night I spent a lot of it standing up as sitting or lying down trying to sleep was so uncomfortable. I give thanks for a long early evening meditate (lying down) before the trouble started, and for thinking the many hours of nocturnal wakefulness would mean I could snooze during my treatment today but instead I got another attack of the wriggles and an unhelpful machine that started bleeping when ever I was still. I give thanks for the most untalkative driver later so I could catch a few zzz's on the ride home and an hour unconscious on the sofa before I went to heat up my tea. Mmm...I've just remembered there are seconds. I certainly give thanks for that!

Fifty-eight

Phew, that was a toughie! I give great thanks I'd made my tea (inc pudding) as well as my lunch before leaving the house yesterday morning. I had that and basically went to bed though I did perk up a bit later and get up again to do a few bits before retiring again.

I give thanks I had to be up and wholesomely attired by 11 today for the very good reason my little marble topped cabinet was arriving. I am so pleased with this little gem. And as if that wasn't joy enough later my charity shop desk arrived! Mima was here by then and I was very grateful for her assistance moving still packed boxes around to make room for this rather large item, cleaning and polishing. During this process she noticed an IKEA label on the back of it but it was only afterwards when it was in place that I realised it's from the same range as the bookcase I have had for years and I now have matching furniture! I give thanks she made me a cup of tea when I needed a rest and took some recycling etc away...and on the way back from walking her to her car with some boxes I met the lovely Jenny who used to clean for me and who might be persuaded to help out a bit again.

I give thanks for unpacking possessions from boxes and having places for them to go, oh the contentment of things fitting into place. I'm bushed after a busy afternoon and am torn between taking a pain soothing bath or a making a tummy pleasing meal but either ways I'm grateful for feeling more positive than I did at the start of the day.

Fifty-seven

When pain wakes me up and I can't get back to sleep I give thanks I've taken to getting up to fetch a Roobosch tea and bit of toast or biscuits. It helps me feel more in control and sometimes to settle down again. I give thanks I always go and look out of the window at the quiet town with the traffic lights set at green and the Belisha Beacons blinking -  it fascinates me.  I'm usually extra stiff and clumsy when I first get out of bed and after my initial dismay at failing to put a newly filled water jug back upright on the counter so that it fell on its side and disgorged the contents, I gave thanks while I was groaning on my knees with a damp towel I could wipe the mucky floor!

I give thanks for Pat Holloway, a good friend I never got to meet. When we first started talking she was well and I was ill but then I got better and she got worse, and before she died she sent me a little beanbag for resting a book or tablet on which I find particularly useful now as my left hand can't do much holding. I can wedge it behind my head or shoulders too.

I give thanks for making it through another session, same length but a more ferocious treatment. Maybe that's why I'm so tired, or maybe it's because I was up so long in the night. I give thanks the taxi driver on the way home was not at all chatty, unlike the others I've had and I could just gaze out of the window. For the rainbows. For a Status Quo track in the radio reminding me once I was young

Fifty-six

Gosh what lovely sunshine - in between the vicious hail! I give thanks for the great British weather, and popping out in a sunny bit to buy fish fingers for my lunch plus a wonderful desky thing with shelves, compartments and drawers. It would make a fab kitchen dresser if my kitchen was just a tad bigger but it will also do splendidly in the living room. Both these areas need more shelves and I can't keep asking Cathy's husband, or the other person who said I could ask him but ignores my messages when I do! This item was in a charity shop round the corner and I asked if they would drop the price and they did with more free delivery too. Outside of a Moroccan souk or eBay I don't actually find it easy to barter so I give thanks diminishing bank balances are increasing my cheek!

I give thanks for lunch in the French Quarter. Isn't it looking pretty? The rest of this room is the shed where many things need shedding to the aforementioned missing storage facilities or the recycling centre,  but you open the door and look past all that and see this little oasis of calm and I love it. Have I mentioned how much I like my flat?

I give thanks for another short outing this afternoon merely to enjoy the sun. My knees are very sore and I kept needing to sit down but there were lots of places to sit within sight and sound of the sea so not much of a hardship really.

Fifty-five

I give thanks for being helpful to an old friend in need of someone to share something with when sleeplessness took me to Messenger in the early hours of morning. For remembering to remind myself it could have been worse when a urological mishap marred the start of my day later on.

For managing (just) to keep my balance in the strong gusts of wind and not faint though I felt very weak and wobbly and fuzzy headed as I stumbled about. I give thanks for getting some essentials, and some non-essentials too! I've been so worried about finances lately but last night's conversation reminded life is short and unpredictable and as I've escaped death by the skin of my teeth again this week, as long as I'm not borrowing money spending some in my borrowed time is not a bad idea if it gives me some comfort and joy. I give thanks for shamelessly playing the sympathy vote in a second hand shop and blagging money off a little marble topped French cold safe that will make a great side table... and free delivery too!

I give thanks for fluffy white wave tops on ice blue sea and primroses on the banks beside the road. For hours on the sofa this afternoon resting my many sore bits, rising now and again for minimal attention to donestic chores and fetching light refreshments including a Luders's mini lemon meringue pie. I might have bought a large one if I'd realised quite how delicious they are!

Fifty-four

Yay, I give thanks for a better day at the office. First of all I persuaded them to put me back on an afternoon slot for my treatment next week. When I have a bad night like last night I often don't get back to sleep until 6 am so being ready to leave at 8.15 is a tall ask. I also talked to the lovely lady who does the scheduling about manipulating them for my trip in a couple of week's time, and the tea trolley had all sorts of free treats you could choose - popcorn, pear or clementine, flapjack bites, mini Mr Kipling style cakes.. I think the idea is to tempt a jaded renal appetite with morsels of this and that but I could have woofed the whole basketful no bother!

I give thanks for a visit from a nice renal dietician - not the one who talks to you in a condescending way. This one suggested a bit more protein in my diet as that comes out in the wash as well, but was on the whole pleased with my bloods and my account of juggling goodness and 'sin'...I seem to have found the right balance if I can sneak in the very occasional slice of toast and peanut butter, chocolate biscuit or dollop of ready made mash without it showing in the numbers!

I give thanks for a couple of members of staff discovering I have a functioning brain and a sense of humour. This is emergency ward dialysis so lots of patients are semi comatose for most of the time so you can't blame them for not noticing before. I wouldn't have minded a bit of comatose myself but it's a bit bustly and it's hard to find a position in which to relax. One of them has said they'll see if they can find a chair free for me next time as I start out comfy sitting up on the bed but soon slump down and of course can't push myself up again with my arms. I give thanks for some very interesting taxi drivers to chat to today too.

I give thanks for watching a bit more of the Netflix offering Safe which I was finding a very enjoyable distraction from realities - until one of the character's said she had to go because her son was having dialysis. I don't remember ever hearing a line like that in anything before - what a bizarre coincidence! Reminded me of reading a detective novel late into the night while waiting for results of a scan to see if I had brain tumours. One of the people in that developed the same symptoms as me and died of one! I give thanks though I am very tired and sore I now have two days off  - woohoo! Oh and for making my supper for today yesterday. Get on!

Fifty-three

So I lay in bed this morning and I thought... I give thanks I know it's OK to feel sorry for myself.  I'm a compassionate soul, I often feel sorry for others and it's hard to be so utterly exhausted and have so much I can't not do - not dusting or making curtains, but simply putting a dressing gown on and making a cup of tea! If Cathy and Colin hadn't been due to come round I'd have stayed in bed but it was good really to have something to force me to get up and get on with stuff, although I'm such a zombi I didn't get on with much. I give thanks for their company and all their help with so many jobs from putting up a curtain pole to cleaning the oven rack - they are so kind! One of the things they did was move the wardrobe from the spare room to my bedroom where I'm grateful to report it looks pretty good though still largely empty of clothing as I ran out of steam this afternoon and just lay about being weepy and wan before having another go at the callous DWP.

I give thanks for starting making some food for tomorrow's tea as I can see I'm going to need to cater in advance if I'm going to eat well. Sadly I got distracted stewing some apples so I now have another saucepan to scrub - but they want to change my dialysis slots from next week so I need to leave at 8.15 so I had to at least try to change their minds and though I didn't get far it took a long time not getting there! I give thanks Cathy helped me choose a nice tin of fruit in the Co-op earlier so I could have some of that instead. I give thanks for reminding myself of all the seemingly insurmountable challenges I've overcome in life. It's just another hard day in the office - I'll get through it somehow I'm sure.

Fifty-two

I give thanks for getting my second wind last night and getting a few more day to day chores done. No energy left to cook though so I give thanks for having a really  renally unfriendly ready meal to succomb to. My goodness it tasted good!

I give thanks for watching Torvill and Dean perform in the Dancing on Ice Final - still stunning skaters in their sixties! Made me extra aware of what a cripple I am...but so beautiful to watch.

I give thanks for some sleeps bookending a long night staring into the abyss and fiddling with uncooperative drainage tubing. You wouldn't think my stoma would be working if my kidney isn't, but the universe has no regard for 'fairness' and I can fret all I like but the welfare system, having decided I'm too wealthy for one benefit, has now begun the process of trying to prove I'm too healthy for another!

I give thanks for getting up and doing housework so there'd be some cleanliness and order to come home to, and making some lunch to take and making it through another less than lovely afternoon. I don't actually find the treatment hard but the beds are uncomfy when you can't change position and my fistula arm gets bruised and sore while my left one just wears out with the effort of doing everything else... I give thanks I know it's for my own good, and hopefully will get easier in time. For knowing I'm moaning and it's time to stop...

Fifty-one

I give thanks for immigration. Forget the politics, and ignore the communal illusion of borders, but without people from India, Poland and Bangladesh (and they were just the ones I asked) I might not have made it through another day. Apparently the levels of toxins in my blood had reached the stage when I could have seizures and even I, years accustomed to the knowledge I might keel over or slip away any time, could see that could get messy pretty quickly...

So I was awake a long time last night being grateful and today I'm very tired! I give thanks it was Rachel's turn to cook tea and because it was our birthday get together there were flap jacks for afters too. I give thanks for my present from her of a book of really excellent poetry and mine to hers of a 'magic tinkly thing' which we played with on and off all evening bathing in its exquisite sounds and which she has promised to bring back for visits now and then. I give thanks for her saying she'd missed me. That's not something I hear a lot!

I give thanks that she washed up afterwards, and after a valiant struggle unstuck my stuck drawer and swapped the chests over again so the right one is on top. She couldn't manage to move the wardrobe by herself though, but I think I've thought of the right people to badger for that :-)

Today I give thanks for feeling I richly deserved much lolling about on the sofa...but sadly when I went to make my lunch I realised I'd put off cleaning the oven so long everything was getting smoked, plus there were prescriptions to collect and foods to find my left hand can feed me during treatment and various correspondence to sort out and now I've got to the lolling I'm almost too exhausted to enjoy it! I give thanks for the fabulous sunshine after all that wind and rain...for all the different colours the sea has been as the storm passed by.


* a koshi fire chime https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0p6PIh1V4tQ

Fifty

I give thanks for the graduated pastel coloured sky last night with monochrome shapely trees and twinkling crescent moon. For the spring sunshine this morning and for managing to get the last top deck window seat on the bus to enjoy the view.

I give thanks for Imee Ooi in my ears helping me to maintain a state of equanimity regarding the state of my health and my future...well until I got to the hospital of course, and then I became a gibbering wreck... and a weepy one too when they said my treatment must start today. I give thanks for years of practice in dealing with difficult stuff on my own, but don't kid yourself I'm so independent I don't care. There are times when missing a non virtual hug or a hand to hold is almost as distressing as the situation that causes the need.

I give thanks though I had to wait for hours for a slot on a machine I was allowed to leave the ward and get refreshments. The canteen was teeming with lunchtime crowds and in the sensory overload of sounds and smells and bright lights and frantic folk it was hard to find something appetising, affordable and allowed. My eye was drawn to some packaged cake slices as I wouldn't need to struggle with a plate as well as a mug, and it took my fancy that they were billed as coming from Mid Wales. When I sat down and deciphered the minute print on the back I could see it said Welshpool...and the company was Sidoli's so I give thanks for the memories that brought.

I give thanks I had the foresight to move to a flat above a hotspot, sign up for Netflix and download some things to watch. For my left hand for patiently typing this. For blagging a taxi home. For Jan for talking to me from far away and saying the right things, and that Rachel is due to visit later.

Forty-nine

I give thanks for ignoring my messages yesterday. I'd a feeling they'd be bad news about my blood tests and as I was feeling quite well and comfortable I didn't want to spoil the illusion. Then today... wondering what to have for lunch, I figured better see if I need to be extra careful with my diet in case they want to test me again, and gave in and listened to a summons to call the hospital asap. Sigh!

I give thanks I did...and for accepting I'm reaching the stage when, feeling well or not, I have to start my treatment. It's understandable to want more time, but I've had a lot more than could reasonably be expected and I'm grateful for that. I give thanks that at least they don't want me in today...and Jan and I are making contingency arrangements for our upcoming trip. I give thanks I'm determined we're having that no matter what!

I give thanks for pottering about with home making in between resting the pain this afternoon - some sewing of kitchen curtains and finishing off the bedroom furniture as far as I can go without help. I'd been hoping for a bit of that this weekend but it wasn't meant to be so I give thanks for my resourcefulness and perseverence...and philosophical acceptance of failure. Yes, it would be better if, having managed finally to get one curtain up to check the length I could now get it down again but it's not going to happen today - and probably not tomorrow either so it will just have to dangle there and I will just have to put up with it!

I give thanks for the warm sunshine drying the washing for free and for the recently ended series of Endeavour set in the 70s, which I enjoyed on many levels.

Forty-eight

I should go out in the evening more often...it perked me up a treat, though that could have been the later than usual caffeine! I give thanks for Mima making my tea (and pudding) and for the very enjoyable music from the choir(s) and Flute Cake trio. For seeing old singing chums... For some of them giving me a lift home after and for a precarious personal leak situation hanging on until they did! Luckily I was wide awake and didn't mind dealing with that, and some trouble with drawers (of the chest variety) before catching up with some TV in bed. I give thanks for sleeping very well...between vicious bouts of cramp in my legs and feet.

I give thanks for getting back to those drawers today - I still think for £10 and a lick of paint they're OK, but oh I wish I hadn't put one of them back in crooked so, as far as my efforts go anyway, it is stuck and won't properly open! Oh well, maybe someone stronger will pop by one day and be able to sort it out.

I give thanks for a relaxed, easy paced but quite productive day...including a long warm bath to produce less aching calves and assorted domestic chores. I give thanks for a mostly bright day for the tourists and trippers. For not going anywhere myself, and no real intention to do so, as long as my craving for hummus doesn't get the better of me!

Forty-seven

I give thanks I went to the gong bath last night. Very relaxing and calming to my aches and pains.

I give thanks for braving my first blood test at the new surgery today... and as I didn't feel strong enough to walk up there, for braving my first taxi ride here too! After the gongs I felt like staying late in bed so it was a mad dash to find some clothes with easy access to the few usable places and then get the anaesthetic cream over as many of them as possible before struggling and failing to get cling film off the roll and round my arm. I give thanks after hurling the contents of drawers about I found a couple of adhesive film dressings... and that the blood gatherer was thoughtful and gave up after the first unsuccessful attempt with standard equipment, getting something more delicate and someone to help her use it in one of the deadened spots.

I give thanks for a nap on the sofa after all that drama, under piles of throws to combat the draughty day. I give thanks earlier in the week I arranged to go out this evening before I knew what a chilly damp evening it would be and how unappealing leaving the sofa again would seem!

Forty-six

I give thanks though today's major clumsiness involved turquoise blue paint, and so was majorly messy, most of it dropped on a tarpaulin and some rather scraggy leggings that don't really matter. And of course even attempting painting means my hands have been less sore today so I'm grateful for that.

On the whole all the pain is better today, though I couldn't get comfy in the night so I've not a lot of get up and go and give thanks I'm going to gongs this evening so not much daytime getting up and going required.  I give thanks for the bright sunshine, and watching the babbling streams of people pausing to take pictures of black birds. For a soothing hot water bottle on my throbbing kidney...

I give thanks for lots of sitting down between the routine chores, enjoying a lot of catch-up TV including the chilling Leaving Neverland and the baking celebrities making me laugh.  It was on last year's show that I first saw someone else's hand seize up like mine does - a Special Olympian whose name eludes me. It was a bit of epiphany realising I'm not alone suffering this. Today there's mostly been trouble with a forearm going into cramp. I give thanks for seeing that happen to Rafael Nadal once. I'm clearly really rather fit!

Forty-five

The pain's a pain and I give thanks for dealing with it as best I can mostly by withdrawing into my own little world inside my head. I give thanks not having neighbours above my head helps a lot with this - though I'm sure an eagle has landed on my roof a few times! I do wonder if being rather tuned out increases my clumsiness though as the usual rain of pens, pills, cutlery and keys that punctuate my days have been augmented by stumbling over thin air and some more heavy duty dropping. I give thanks the cup of tea that jumped out of my hand yesterday was chamomile so it didn't stain, and for being so hungry I didn't mind unidentified bits in the sandwich I had to pick up and reassemble after it landed on an unvaccuumed floor. Today I was so delighted to finally find some of the kefir I like after several supermarkets were without, but then missed my shoulder trying to put the bag on it, so it exploded on the floor and had to carry a puddle of goo home to clean up. I'm not supposed to have a lot of kefir so I guess I should be grateful for nature's way of rationing it, though now I've heard the supermarket is closing down and that seems unnecessarily mean!

I give thanks for many micronaps to keep myself going today, both on the bus and on the sofa since I got home. For not getting wet despite some serious downpours. For soothing music on my headphones in transit and lots of catch up TV to loll with now I'm still. For some leftovers for my tea.

Forty-four

Yay! I give thanks for a good night's sleep! Did I wake up refreshed and ready to go? Haha, no, I woke up ready for more... I give thanks for plans for today that could be abandoned as I was too tired and sore even to go to the shops and tip in Mima's car.

I was too tired and sore to get properly dressed as well but hey, I managed to cook and eat pancakes, that's the main thing isn't it? And the weather was not very clement so a good day for staying indoors. I give thanks for watching day trippers scurrying back to their coach between the rain and for hoping they enjoyed their visit.

I give thanks for doing pretty much nothing else this morning...plus some curtain pinning and machining before my hand started to into spasm this afternoon. For making a cup of tea before it completely locked up. For more brief but encouraging chat from our lovely South West kidney advocate, and a couple of assorted friends and rellies. For hearing about this miracle of music posted on Facebook by my cousin Tamsin https://www.kentonline.co.uk/canterbury/news/teacher-unable-to-speak-sings-perfectly-200074/
which is remarkable in itself, but which also reminded me of the amazing restorative powers of Mr Dekker's Israelites (or Israeli tea as my autocorrect calls it). I've always said you should play it to me if I'm in a coma and I'll twitch in time if not actually get up and dance so I tried it today when I'm hardly moving at all and yes there was some pleasant involuntary rhythmic movement of extremities! I should have put Michael Buble on - I'd have got up and left the room!

I give thanks for hearing they've made a booklet of entries of that poetry comp last year. I often feel a rather pointless being and I give thanks for being reminded sometimes people like what I write.

Forty-three

I give thanks for feeling better this afternoon than I did in the night when my back gave me a horrid fright producing sciatica symptom all down from my bum to my knee! I was awake for hours with the pain and I gave thanks for no neighbours close beside or above me so I didn't have to worry about waking them too. I give thanks for tea and toast in the very early morning and the internet entertaining me.

I was still in discomfort shuffling and stumbling about when I finally got going, so I was grateful for a bus going up the hill to the surgery to pick up a prescription and book a blood test. The receptionist assured me she'd booked a good 'un with a syringe. I do hope that turns out to be the case!

I give thanks for remembering to take a pen and a stamp so I could buy a birthday card that needed sending. I was racking my brains where to write it on a blustery showery day and for thinking of a church that has a cafe. Mug of tea for 80p with a free biscuit - you can't complain even if you're on a budget! I was a bit disconcerted when a lot of Hallelujahs started just as I went to sit down, and even more so when a godly looking type headed for my table, but she merely explained it was a monday morning club for the disabled and then I enjoyed it, especially This Little Light of  Mine - I love that song as clearly did everyone else.

I give thanks contacting the Kidneycare advocate to see if she can help with benefits issues, and she has said she'll see if she can.

I give thanks for finding this on line last night. Sounds a fascinating chap!

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-devon-47318521#

Forty-two

I give thanks for my Facebook 'friends'.
I don't have many and most ignore me most of the time but seeing their posts reminds me of the different ways there are to have a life on this planet.  Sometimes via their words and pictures I get a chance to imagine myself in what seem like pleasant situations I'd otherwise not experience at all...like having a loving family or easy access to places off the local bus route. Sometimes though they post stuff that makes me go... What? How can you believe that... Or think that? Or imagine that's a good thing to share? I aim for tolerance, understanding and compassion but my initial visceral reaction can be less than kind or even polite, which I think needs working on. So today I was delighted when I read something and the thought that popped into my head was 'Not my path'. What a useful and memorable little phrase to add to 'This too shall pass' for all kinds of situations. I already personally believe there's not much point in trying to change other people's point of view, and in most cases it's not our place to point out what we perceive as errors or faults but I feel this will help me be less internally judgemental. I do hope so!

I give thanks for less pain today, though a night of frequent waking up with muscle spasms and technical malfunctions left me very tired. For a morning spent mostly in bed and then an hour or so of light home and lunch making. I decided to try creating  a less renally brutal version cauliflower cheese substituting feta for cheddar and oat milk for dairy. And I give thanks it was rather yummy!

I give thanks for a long nap on the sofa wrapped up in two blankets to save the electric bill with the sound of the wind howling as I dropped off and a little patch of sunshine warming me when I woke...

I give thanks for Douglas Adams...the world he left behind is richer for the Hitcher!

Forty-one

I give thanks for a snoozy Saturday. There was so much I would have been grateful to get done but most of it was beyond my capabilities today...so I give thanks for letting it go.

I give thanks it was a breezy day so I could go out without torturing the joints in my hands and arms brushing my tangled hair and hope that nobody noticed! My hips and knees noticed the unreasonable burden put upon them so I give thanks for seats in the right places to give them a rest while I hobbled about and the sofa for being the right place to spend much of my time when I got home.

I give thanks for finding a pretty pink cardigan in a charity shop and just as I was heading for the till, reminding myself that I have lots of cardies but not many pennies and to turn round and put it back on the hanger! Sigh...

I give thanks for finding some pretty pink spotted wrapping paper I had makes lovely lining for my 'new' drawers. There's not enough for all of them do fingers crossed I can get some more. I've not even felt strong enough to cut all of them today so no rush...

I give thanks after checking with Christine the place I have planned for my biggest plant sounds just the right size. Currently there's a box with a stereo in in it, but hopefully one day that will go on a shelf and music can be played...

I give thanks for not burning any saucepans so far today, which is great as I've still not got the one I burnt a couple of days ago clean!

Forty

I give thanks for the variety of sites and types of pain I have at the moment - on the whole this is preferable to one sort in one place all of the time I find! I give thanks for doing the stuff I couldn't get out of, moving minimally in the process...although for some reason the more sore I am the more clumsy I am so there seemed to be an awful lot of picking up and clearing up! For finally making it downstairs for the first time for a couple of days and the excitement at finding in the post the kind of envelope that would contain news of my benefit reinstatement... but it turned this one contained news that the other benefit I'm on is being stopped too. For suppressing the ensuing rising panic about paying bills, mortgage etc, as previous experience has shown stress is seriously bad for my health, I give thanks the worry caused a sudden drop in my usually hearty appetite however as this means less spent on food....I give thanks for a delivery of vital medication, and that I don't have to pay for these.

I give thanks for a mild day - gentler on the electricity meter. For remembering someone I used to know who thought it was called that because they measured what you used by length!