One hundred

I give thanks my mojo has come back though she's still rather delicate and must not be pushed too far. Today, after a long lie in I persuaded her to tackle painting a couple of square metres of kitchen wall. This turned out to be easier on my hands than the tight grip of a small brush on small surfaces but surprisingly exhausting to the rest of my body. I didn't have to watch paint dry between coats, I fell asleep on the sofa!

I give thanks along with reading books and watching TV and Netflix this is pretty much all I've done, which has made for a most enjoyable day! I give thanks for Rachel doing the washing up last night after a delicious tea of dhal and rice and rhubarb crumble and Oatly custard, and for picky bits and leftovers from the meal I cooked the night before so not much in the way of catering duties required. For a nice peaceful feeling after acupuncture. For a Tesco delivery, and the driver carrying the stuff upstairs without complaint. For being content in my own space and company - what a blessing that is!

Ninety-nine

I give thanks for remembering to look outside last night after giving in to a sudden desire for a nap after blogging and a slow time getting moving again afterwards. When I did finally get up off the sofa I was rushing round trying to get some more of the things done I had meant to do, and then spotted the rather pretty pale streaky sky and sea and later the pink and grey sunset. It's so easy to forget to take time for the natural world as we focus on our often very trivial cares and concerns.

I give thanks for a documentary about John Lee Hooker with old clips, interviews and aerial footage of the Mississipi Delta - oh, and music of course. How, how, how, how good was that ;-)

I give thanks for surviving nearly a whole (very noisy) session without a cup of tea as the kitchen hadn't sent any cups. For the trolley finally arriving in the last twenty mins. That the driver in the waiting room wasn't waiting for me - he spent his time giving a patient waiting for someone else full details of his schedule and mileage over the last day, week, month, year! For using my time to catch up on writing my blog so he was deterred from starting on me... for a while, after which I moved out to the car park to avoid him! Ye gods, I give thanks for knowing I can be boring... Others don't always have the self awareness it seems!

I give thanks Rachel is on her way and is allegedly bringing dinner. I'm famished!

Ninety-eight

I give thanks for being able to stay in bed late this morning after sleep disturbed by various aching body parts joints. For loud music at a nearby venue eventually getting me partially up and about, and for my earplugs which drowned out that out and also helped me focus on dealing with letters and forms that needed my attention.

I give thanks the music stopped around the time I finished with those so I could have a quiet lunch without the sound of my own chomping extra noisy in my stopped up ears. For finding a pot of forgotten hummus buried in the freezer yesterday for this... For slowly getting myself together to go out as the paperwork needed posting. My right arm and my left knee have been particularly sore so this was a delicate process...and thus for vintage cars on the grass and ducklings on the water to take my mind off the pain. For a catalogue parcel ready to collect at a friendly convenience store, and for its contents being very suitable for my requirements. I give thanks Laura has suddenly decided I can come to her wedding (maybe someone dropped out) but it's in less than two weeks and though I'm sure I can find something pretty to wear I completely lack shoes and a jacket that if not 'smart' could at least be described as tidy so a La Redoute sale was a good place to find some...

I give thanks for completing a few non-negotiable tasks like preparing food, washing up and laundry, a couple of non-essential but preferable ones like finding homes for things, and a bit of delicious inactivity reading Lucy Worsley's interesting history book and watching Top of the Lake on Netflix

Ninety-seven

Oh what a beautiful morning! Weatherwise? Well...not especially maybe, but there was a rare blessed conjunction of feeling pretty well (apart from aching joints) and not having to hurry out of bed for anything in particular! I give thanks for a leisurely restorative morning...For the luxury of having time and energy for sorting out a few more possessions, plus tidying up some places where possessions had been shoved out of sight, but the chaos was not out of my mind!

I give thanks for some long awaited post, including the earphones for my little Huawei tablet...which after 6 weeks to-ing and fro-ing of messages from the ebay merchant, don't actually fit! There was also a letter from the DWP who say they are going to reinstate the benefit they stopped because I sold my flat...but not from the date I sold it...nor are they sure they are going to pay all the money from the date they are proposing to backdate it from. I give great thanks for progress anyway, and that at least my bank balance should soon start to feel some benefit. Meanwhile as I was on the way to the shops, I give thanks for a mini spending spree of mostly rather low cost items but ones that I had been holding off buying until my financial situation eased a little, and some I could just spot and buy on a whim!

I give thanks for mostly dodging the showers, and not blowing away in the wind. For Mima taking be to some further shops after another Saturday queue at the tip. I give thanks I'm getting lots of practice at waiting lately! For a cuppa and a cinnamon brioche bun on the way back and more leftovers for tea when I got home...For my increasingly lovely flat...and less panic about the mortgage (for now)

Ninety-six

I give thanks for feeling human for two days in a row! I passed the consultant in a corridor earlier and she said I was looking better too... I know no chickens should be counted, but I'm grateful for the sensation I might be beginning to crack this thing...

I give thanks thus today has not been all about dialysis, but I managed to fit in a call to the podiatry team as well. Hmm...at least I got through this time and was able to make an appointment to be reassessed for toenail surgery following my change in circumstances...

I give thanks for Netflix for filling in the time after I ran out of food on the ward. Honestly I could eat non-stop throughout my treatment! I give thanks for noticing the dietitian walking past though and asking her if she'd tried out the (kidney friendly and super simple) lemonade scones she'd been telling me about, and she had and could report back they worked! She wrote the recipe out for me but in case the idea has piqued your interest here's a link to click on. https://www.recipetineats.com/lemonade-scones/

I give thanks for lots of lovely leftover tuna pasta reheated for my tea. For my microwave for doing this, while my grill heated up garlic bread. For the thought of no hospital trips for two days...Oh, and for a funny spam comment om my blog. Often these are poor translations or complete gobbledegook but in this case the wrong words were quite poetic - it said 'You are my breathing in...'

Ninety-five

Pip-a-dee-doo-dah, I give thanks I've finally finished and posted the form and associated paperwork. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't as regards applying for this benefit, but at least they carry on with the one it's replacing until such time as they declare you not unfit enough for this (allegedly). I have to say allegedly as they allegedly don't stop the another benefit I was receiving when you sell your sole residence to buy somewhere else and that so far has proved to be untrue! Ah don't get me wrong, I do give thanks for Social Security but it is antisocial and insecure to be sure...

It's still a nice feeling that this stage of the process is done and I give thanks for a little while now I can turn my mind and hands to other matters. For the last six weeks seems to have been all about dialysis, daily essentials and wrestling with the DWP, so while I gather myself for the next round with them, Solarplicity et al, I give thanks for taking time for a bit more settling in and enjoying being here.

I give thanks for Cathy and Colin coming to help with this again, collecting my 'new' rug for the French Quarter and taking me to Sainsbury's afterwards. I also have my bedroom blind up at last instead of precarious temporary arrangements. It makes the room seem calmer somehow despite there being plenty of chaos still in there. I also think it's rather pretty, don't you?

I give thanks for the rough sea this morning and for being able to see it from a comfy chair. For it being wisteria flowering time. I love the colours and shapes of the blossoms, and it's often on very attractive buildings too!

Ninety-four

Rain, rain, beautiful rain! I give thanks for this morning's clean rain washing off the smudgy baked dirt on still on my front windows after some very mucky stuff that came down a few weeks ago. I can now see though them again, which is a great relief as I was beginning to think I might have to try to clean them somehow

Food, food, glorious food! I give thanks my packed lunch was lovely though not big enough for today's giant appetite...so I also give thanks for making tonight's tea yesterday and heating up a big plateful as soon as I got home...

It's good to talk so I give thanks for fitting in a lot of conversations today, having two very chatty cab drivers and a doctor and dietitian and a research nurse interviewing me as well as the normal interaction on the ward. I also give thanks for not having to talk to anyone for the rest of the day!

I give thanks for passing all the tests so that I can take part in a trial to see if patient care and outcomes can be improved. It's nice to feel I can still be useful...

Ninety-three

Phew, I give thanks for successfully beating back the zombie apocalypse (inside my body) the last twenty four hours. For the assistance of supergreens, paracetamol and a liberal dose of fresh cream apple turnovers - a pack of two is a portion for one, isn't it? For finally making it outdoors to get the latter plus a few other essentials of life....I'd been trying to arrange to meet someone in town to coax me, but she wanted me to go to her house which though not miles away, seemed like it when I thought about trying to walk there, especially as it's uphill!

I give thanks I did get further than the local Co-op however (which had been plan B) as I had a library book to return and a reserved one to collect - Jane Austen at Home by Lucy Worsley which caught my eye in a bookshop but I thought I'd rather borrow. For stopping at the charity shop on the way in which there was a beautiful rug for the spare room - cheap enough for me to buy though too heavy for me to carry so they are keeping it for me. For making a two day curry with the help of Mr Patak and the Hooded Claw (otherwise known as my spasm prone right hand) and for a fair stab at catching up with house and 'office' work which has been neglected over the last few days of lovely weather. For winning another battle with my ancient and very grumpy printer which refused, as it often does, to do what it says on the tin...but which this time turned out to be the usb lead disconnected at the back from where it was moved on Sunday!

I give thanks therefore, for someone who really just wanted to stay in bed and read and play games on my phone I've actually managed quite a lot by having lots of rest between stages. All I need to do now is to remember to dress for dinner - something korma coloured knowing what a mess I'll make...

Ninety-two

I give thanks for a good day at the office! The taxi driver was a little late picking me up but he's the chap with fab car and is an interesting conversationalist so I didn't mind, especially as the reason he was delayed was a huge queue of caravans and lorries slow moving on usual route so we went a different way to the hospital. I love a bit of variety so this was great for me anyway, but also it took in favourite roads from various stages of my life in this area so I could see more beautiful trees, and also what was the same and what had changed in the city.

I give thanks for another mellow Bank Holiday on the ward. For the slow careful way a fairly newly qualified nurse set me up on the machine, and for a good chat while he did it. I asked what a part of it was and he explained it was the 'kidney' and contained a multitude of tiny tubes the blood went down while the liquid that cleans it swirls around. This is on a tiny scale, and as he wasn't in a rush he went and got a cut open one for me to see - fascinating!

I give thanks the time passed quite quickly for once, but I still managed to fit in a mini doze, a massive packed lunch plus the tea and biscuits they bring you, some catch up TV and a few pages of an e-book...although, hmmm...that might have been why time sped by! For another nice male nurse taking me off the machine very efficiently with more worthwhile discussion, and then another taxi driver I've met before who is good to talk with bringing me home. I do find it quite hard going being with people whether I want to or not for six hour stretches at a time, but if they are good company it does make it a lot easier!

I give thanks for tea mostly of lush leftovers from last night as my arm is still seriously painful (it's been checked out and seems OK to the staff)...oooh and lots of TV channels to choose from as I wind down and relax.

Ninety-one

I give thanks so many people were having so much fun in the vicinity last night, mostly involving alcohol, karaoke machines and possibly a touch of sunstroke it seemed! For a much more considerate blues and two tone festival today, taking place between my ears courtesy of my mp3 player. My knees have been super sore so I was indoors for quite a while after I finally got up watching helplessly as the town got busier and the seating areas filled, but then when I hobbled down stairs I realised most of the lower level benches next to the brook in the park were free and I give thanks for bagging one. I guess it was selfish to sit sideways with my legs up taking up pretty much all of the seat but I do give thanks for being really rather comfy there out of the breeze and mostly away from the crowds.

I give thanks none of the bits I planned to pick up from the Co op were essential as it was mysteriously shut, but also as walking back from there at that time meant I ran an old workmate I'd not seen for over ten years and having a bit of banter. For him asking if I ever saw Clive (who also did the same job) and being able to say could say yes he's coming round later! And for Clive coming round and doing some sterling work at improving my living conditions including going up into the attic and fitting up a TV aerial he'd selected as suitable for my needs. For now having 127 channels instead of 25, which even if you discount the ones you never watch is a load of lovely recordable TV including all the Freeview HD ones. Yay, programmes with adverts that I can fast forward through!

Ninety

My goodness me I'm tired and stiff and sore this evening but I'm very grateful nonetheless as I've taken some stuff to the tip, been for a picnic and stroll in the park, bought fruit and veg at a friendly market stall and all manner of things in a shop, so tired and stiff and sore seems a reasonable price to pay.

I give thanks for Mima for chauffering and porterage duties, and for making us a tasty picnic too. For the cunning choice of venues and timings that meant most of the time we avoided the crowds and queues. For some unexpected irresistible bargains for the home in Home Bargains funnily enough... And for the irresistible delicious sunshine. Oh, being warm enough, I've missed you!

I give thanks for getting hungry now and though I know making dinner will hurt, I'm sure I'll manage somehow. It may have to be done in installments so I give thanks for some new (to me) stuff on Netflix and a comfy sofa for the in betweens. For finding some of the pictures I tried to take but had to hold my phone up and guess what it was seeing as the screen was so dark turned out actually OK. For spring leaves opening - aren't they glorious?

Eighty-nine

I am exceedingly grateful that at the eleventh hour yesterday I got my second wind...or to be more precise, at the eighteenth hour I got my first one! For a bit of housework done as you can tell me until you're blue in the face that I can leave it but there comes a time when I really would rather not!

I give thanks for intending to sit at one of the pavement cafes before my transport came today but I was slow to get going and then decided in lieu of hot cross buns or Easter eggs this weekend I must make myself a batch of pancakes before I left.

I give thanks for a remarkably mellow session - one of the nurses said it was because there were no doctors around, but obviously lots of other departments were closed so less phones ringing and bustling around. For having getting in a good position on the chair again, for gentle people dealing with the potentially hurty bits, entertaining stuff on Netflix and a really good lunch of folded flat breads with chopped falafel, lettuce, mayo and grated carrot in. Must do that one again!

I give thanks though my cunning plan to sit in the sun outside the unit before the machine was ready was thwarted by a) the machine being pretty much ready and b) the weather being hazier at the hospital...it had come out properly and they got me off quickly at the end of my session so I could get fifteen mins of vitamin D at the end before the taxi came. Woohoo!

Eighty-eight

Just before I went to for a pre-bedtime sleep yesterday evening (not long after writing my blog) I gave thanks for remembering a couple of other things I'd been grateful for during the day - for turning my much too early arrival at the hospital (transport having been rescheduled) to a sit in the sunshine on the seat outside enjoying two hands to eat some of my lunch with, plus biting the bullet and going to order a full size can of that emulsion for my bedroom (before they discontinue it or something) and finding it's currently on sale.

I gave thanks for my sleep too, and felt better after waking than I did when I dropped off but still not right and several not very grateful hours followed before managing to drop off again. Today I feel like one of those 'zombie pigs' in the news, where partial post mortem brain activity has been restored. It's life Jim, but not as we know it!

So, lacking in energy and motivation, I give thanks my plans for a little R&R today could be shelved and I could concentrate mostly on the rest bit.  I do find it hard to relax properly with all the unwashed dishes, unfinished paperwork, mucky floors etc and I give thanks for some half hearted attempts at moving stuff from one place to another (otherwise known as tidying) and working on turning my gobbledook notes into a 'day diary' of how my health problems affect my life in reference to PIP descriptors. I also give thanks for deciding as I had to go down to check the mail I should at least step outside the door and get a breath of fresh air - which was very pleasant although the crowds were too much to cope with for long. Oh and for finding the second hand White Stuff tunic I won on eBay had arrived and is nice if rather overpriced for its condition - rather like its new owner.

Eighty-seven

Quick, think of 5 things before I fall asleep...

I give thanks it got foggy again so I didn't feel I was missing a sunny afternoon

For managing to get the chair position and pillows just right so I was actually quite comfortable

For managing to stay reasonably cheerful too

For finally being home despite problems setting me up on the machine and taking me off which delayed the procedure a lot

For making dinner earlier as my arm is especially sore tonight

For not having to anything else for the rest of the day except try to work out how to eat it, get undressed and go to bed...though I might fit a bit of TV or a book in  there!

Eighty-six

Woohoo, I was in the pink this afternoon! After five or six minutes trying various methods I finally (and very gratefully as my hand was going into spasm) managed to re-open the Wilko Softest Pink paint tester pot I had tested several weeks ago and found most pleasing. To give you an idea of how feeble I am I needed a rest after wrestling with the container and applying around a third of its contents, say 30ml. Clearly doing the decorating myself is a ludicrously slow process, but anything I do succeed in is so ludicrously satisfying the gain is worth the pain! I give thanks for tiny patches of progress...And for the fascinating book Superfreakonomics picked up yesterday for filling in between times so entertainingly.

I give thanks for a long lie in this morning to prepare myself for the rigours of the day. All kinds of bits were hurting and I felt very tired and tired of it all, so I give thanks for forcing myself finally to get up and get on with it, whatever it all is for!

I give thanks a very pleasant receptionist at the GP's surgery located in the mail box ready to be posted to me the prescription I had planned to collect in person this afternoon.  For fishing it out ready for me to come up on the bus, and explaining the process for electronically sending my future requests to two separate locations (and hopefully make my life easier). I give thanks I then heard from Jo who lives in that part of town inviting me for a cuppa so a recuperative rest was built in before slowly plodding. For admiring the pretty and very desirable gardens backing onto the brook iI passed on the way and then finding she lives in one, though not this one with its own castle!

I give thanks for slowly plodding back stopping to pick up a few bits on the way, including at the sweet shop where I bought quarter of rhubarb and custard sweets because I'm not supposed to eat rhubarb or custard and they taste nice, and a quarter of chocolate covered toffees because I'm not supposed to eat chocolate or toffee and I have a rebel soul. Heck I even say 'quarter' when I know it's 100 grams!

Eighty-five

I give thanks I could get blown away by the sight of the sea this morning without getting blown away by the wind! The waves were so white they looked like snow with dirty grey patches in - which added to the illusion.

For the pretty journey to the hospital, and seeing how much more the leaf buds on the trees are open since Friday.

For finding an interesting book in the charity shop on the site, though book holding and page turning are rather problematic and I couldn't read it as much as I'd have liked

For leftover vegetable crumble from yesterday for my supper, not just because I like vegetable crumble but because a combination of a nurse who was very heavy handed with tape securing the needles in my arm at the start of my session and one who is just brutally heavy handed  taking them out means my right arm is really painful and it was something that could be eaten with my left hand fingers instead. For not minding about the mess I don't think I could vacuum to save my life.

For members of the Solarplicity complaints forum helping me identify my electric meter from the photo customer service said wasn't good enough to tell. I've been trying to supply them with an opening reading since 19th January and they keep coming up with different excuses why they won't accept it. The last but one was that I was on Economy 7 and needed to give them two numbers so I'd taken the picture to show there was only one.

For apparently not damaging my laptop when I poured rather a lot of tea over it just now. For it being time to give both my upper limbs the rest they so deeply deserve and maybe have a nap

Eighty-four

Dreams can come true but sometimes I give thanks for the ones that can't. Last night I dreamt I had a rewarding, fascinating, worthwhile career and was just discovering a colleague I was sweet on felt the same way about me. Can you imagine how good this was? Or maybe if you don't have to, can you imagine how precious it was for me to have a sense of that for a little while in my sleep? I give thanks for my subconscious for occasionally giving me this kind of treat, but the downside of when it does is that all the pleasure receptors in my brain become like little sea anenomes franctically waving their tentacles to search for more morsels of sustenance. It can take them a long time to settle down to normal levels of stimulation afterwards so last night I'm glad I remembered to give thanks I didn't actually have loving arms wrapped around me, or need to be up in the morning to do a valuable job but could get up in the night and make a cup of rooibosch tea and play pointless games on my tablet!

I also gave thanks for my spare room and bed, as after unscrewing the old curtain rail fittings and removing the temporary wire hooked on to them and 'curtain', I got stuck on getting the rawlplugs out and my body began to make it clear I needed to stop immediately I would suffer for it, so I could leave the untidiness and undressed window and snuggle up cosy in there.

Today I've been grateful for a long lie in, getting some more benefit related typing done, and after making some nice things to eat, and another small attempt at diy, for my right hand going into very painful spasm while my knees complained loudly about the step stool use so I could give up trying to do anything else and just snooze on the sofa with paracetamol, blanket and remote control...

Eighty-three

I give thanks I seem to have done quite a lot in the last twenty four hours - perhaps not a lot by a well person's standards and fitting in almost 10 hours of broken but reasonably mended sleep, but still enough to feel pleased with myself and my current state of health. I give thanks for joint pain being just a little mutter in the background which always helps of course...

I give thanks even I'm still fighting the war I won today's battle to print some bank statements to send off to prove I still don't have the money from selling my old flat and doing without a rather large chunk of money every week for more than four months is beginning to have quite an impact on the money I do. For digging out a can of paint left behind in the cupboard under the sink when I moved in and managing to put a passable coat on the rather murky looking kitchen window sill. For admiring the churning waves on the way to a short bus ride back and scuttling round a few shops in the bitter wind before Mima helped me back to her place for refreshments and a rest before a lift home. For leftovers for tea as I'm a mite fatigued now and am very grateful when I've heated them up I can recuperate from all this activity and recharge my now rather run down batteries...

Eighty-two

Last night I give thanks I didn't have to get up for anything early today when every time I drifted off the thought police shook me awake to worry.  I've always thought of myself as a problem solver not a worrier but if none of the solutions you've come up with have worked worrying is natural I guess.

I give thanks for reminding myself that my difficulties are first world ones, elsewhere on the planet I would have died of disease or starvation a long time ago.  Also for contemplating the concept of 'worth less' which is rather different to the two words joined up. With government departments judging me so, to say nothing of wider society, I started thinking about the things that make us seem worth more. Obviously not my area of expertise but there's not much we value we can take with us when we go is there? All things must pass and all that most of us will be is a gradually fading memory. Apologies these seem negative thoughts to you - to me they seem very helpful and I'm grateful for thinking this way

Yesterday's 8.20 buzz from the fitters when I was expecting them at 9 - 9.30 left me wrong footed all day so I was grateful after little sleep I could surface slowly to take a phone call at 10.30. This was a call I'd been supposed to have the afternoon before so there was a slight scepticism even regarding that...and sure enough they called at 9 and I was wrong footed all over again! It was from yet another alleged source of help, though it turned out there wasn't a great deal they seemed to be able to do with some of the sticky situations I'm in but obviously every little and all that...I was quite pleased it was out of the way anyway so I could get through my morning tasks at a leisurely pace...and then I got a text informing me the taxi was on its way an hour earlier than usual and I was plunged back into a pit of doom about the cackhandedness of transport provision, first world perk or not! I'd checked with the ward my slot was the same time so was ready for a long wait even if not quite ready to depart for it, so I gave great thanks they managed to get a machine ready for me early giving me just enough time for a trek across the site for a cup of tea and a scone before my allotted three and a quarter hours. I even kind of give thanks for another blood pressure episode as it meant I lay down and rested for a while which I normally find hard with all the noise and bustle around and it helped the time go quicker being out of it for a while.

Having (I thought) arranged for a later pick up as I'd been running over time before I was prepared for hanging around a bit when I was done but the taxi firm had mysteriously altered the
collection time too to earlier instead and I was home before six which is a bonus. I'd just arrived on the doorstep when I was accosted by the folk who deal with the maintenance at the block and was extremely grateful they took all that stuff away that was on the landings and told me the other work was in hand! I have a busy weekend ahead doing more forms and letters and catching up with the chores when I really would like to do something something more fun, but that cheered me up quite a lot

Eighty-one

Blimey O'Reilly, it don't get any easier does it? I give thanks for perseverance and a busy, though largely unproductive morning in the office which started at 8.30 am after the window fitters did a knock and run! I give thanks that mix up was soon resolved...and after a chilly and noisy few hours I have three new windows potentially  making the place warmer and quieter. I also give thanks for there being some marks on the inside of one of the panes which will need replacing as this means I can delay paying the balance until it's done.

I give thanks also for the transport co-ordinator at the hospital assuring me she will see if the Council can pass on my correct address to the taxi firm, and arrange a more suitable pick up time. As for the benefits office and Solarplicity...well after a half hour wait that was cut off, plus a further forty five mins on the phone to the first I was advised the reason I didn't get the call back as agreed on Friday was that the decision makers could take as long as they liked over a query like mine and there was nothing I could do but keep pleading! As for the second, they seem to have a seemingly limitless supply of reasons why they cannot accept a meter reading from me but hey ho, by the time (if such a time comes) this is sorted out my PIP application will (I am assured) have failed,  and if my ESA has not been re-instated I won't be able to pay the bill anyway!  Although this is an undeniably stressful situation, I give thanks it is so all so ludicrously unreasonable I couldn't help but chuckle at the sheer futility of my feeble efforts at reaching solutions and, as the kitchen is under dustsheets, took myself off for brunch in a cafe while my prescriptions were being made up and there's stil a few quid in my purse.

I give thanks for a nap under the duvet in the spare room when the fitters had finished and the rest of the flat was still chilly from all the extra fresh air. In an ideal world I'd be filling and painting the reveals and sills before someone puts the curtains and blinds up but I'm wiped out this afternoon and my hands are very sore so I give thanks I've not arranged anyone to help me before I've had a chance to help myself.

Eighty

Have I mentioned how much I love my kitchen shelves? How grateful I am to be able to work with Clive again at turning what's in my mind's eye to something I can see...and that I could see how to make the rather grotty kitchen here a pleasant functional place without spending lots of money. Although they're still not finished I might post a photo when rest of the room is not in a state of chaos due to the alleged arrival of window fitters on Thursday morning. I give thanks I have made some progress in clearing space for them in bathroom and bedroom as well but with my right arm sore from dialysis needles etc and my left one sore from hepatitis jab this has been rather an uncomfortable process.

I was tired and sore this morning so I give thanks for 'taking it easy' with lengthy and not entirely successful attempts to once again wrestle a copy of lost paperwork re my toenail op from the podiatry team and to raise a complaint with Solarplicity re my long standing battle to get them to take an opening meter reading from me. I'm not sure a complaint will make any difference but it does mean I can take it to the ombudsman man when it doesn't.

For still managing to be ready when the taxi driver turned up early and, when he got me to the hospital extra early, for remembering the vascular access nurse wanted to see me so asked the team on the unit to let her know I was there. They told me to go somewhere else and tell them and then nothing happened except I got to hang around in a different waiting room. I give thanks though I used to think this place was pretty soul destroying I now know there are other worse ones around! Just as I was heading back to the ward I spotted the lady I was supposed to be seeing in an office waiting to hear I'd arrived and quite unaware I had. She did the test she wanted to do and for once even I couldn't argue with the numbers - my pulse rate drops sharply when my fistula is blocked off and rises quickly again when it's working. This is putting a strain on my heart which thinks I'm running around even when I'm resting. No wonder I get tired! 

I give thanks my session was fairly OK today. They had popcorn on the trolley which always helps! And when a mardy taxi driver was being difficult about having to wait so long they took me off the machine a bit early too (so I could listen too him grumbling about all manner of things most of the way home!) and on arriving I gave thanks for helpful letter from the stoma nurse for my claim and for the GP surgery posting me some prescriptions which will save me going to collect them tomorrow. Every little helps...

Seventy-nine

Yay, I phoned up and got two extra weeks to do my PIP form! I give thanks for small mercies. I did a bit more work on it and the accompanying 'day diary' today but I was grateful I didn't have to do that all the time as there were other tasks requiring my attention (including going back to bed for a long lie in after getting up to phone them) and my hands, like my other jointed parts are very sore today. I give thanks for sleeping fairly well however and feeling in better spirits after some acupuncture from Rachel last night. For beginning to consider that the pain and fatigue I am feeling is fibromylgia's response to the dialysis, rather than the effects of the treatment itself...which doesn't help the symptoms of course but is mentally easier to accept!

Anyway I give thanks for eventually getting up, bathed, dressed and out the door to pick up a few odds and ends. For the relatively mild weather which makes life somewhat easier for me and for walking further than I intended as I kept not finding what I wanted, or finding shops shut, and had to keep going to other places. I give thanks exercise is good for kidney patients - and so is the nap on the sofa when you get home!

Seventy-eight

I give thanks I didn't die today. There were a few minutes when it felt as if I might before I managed to press the bell and mumble something. Luckily it turned out to be merely my blood pressure plummeting and I only drifted off very briefly, but as I did, still not fully appraised of the situation, I give thanks for preparing for the great beyond. And that after a recuperative rest I was prepared for a cup of tea and a couple of hobnobs when the trolley came round.

Probably being extra tired didn't help. as my bags and tubes woke me up three times in the night to be sorted before I gave up and filled them up with a cup of tea. I give thanks this helped me drift off again for a little while before I had to get up and get ready for the day which includes making my lunch, spending over an hour with Kate the Advocacy Officer filling in the PIP form, having a bit of a to-do with the taxi driver who was of the type who insist they are in the right place to pick me up even though (funnily enough) I am of the opinion I know better. I give thanks for a chair instead of a horrid hospital bed and that the machine by its side refused to co-operate for a while so that I was late starting treatment but, as I had a vascular access appointment down the corridor afterwards, had to finish early. I give thanks for appreciating the irony that, after all that faffing about getting a fistula that worked I may now have to have more surgery to stop it working so well...

I give thanks Rachel is due this evening and though it would be nice to go home and prepare for that, the taxi is prebooked and can't be changed...so I'm also grateful for a seat in the sunshine outside the unit and the time to catch up with this

Seventy-seven

I give thanks for an update from those cousins I re-united - they've met again and are getting on well. Isn't that good to hear? I also give thanks my crochet yesterday was part of a gift I'm planning to surprise a friend with, but oh bum I wish I'd stopped working on it sooner - my right thumb is opposed to everything today. I am thus very grateful for Netflix...and naps! And I am very grateful to having one disrupted this afternoon as it was Clive coming to put up some kitchen shelves for me. He also took the curtain rail down as my new windows are due next week and they'll be in the way and offered to take some bits to the tip. Woohoo!

I give thanks for no nice bread (that I can eat) in the Co-op so no painful slicing to do. Likewise for leftovers for lunch so no chopping. I give thanks I have sorted out some paperwork and rearranged the kitchen a bit and have just enough oomph left to make some tea and before taking it easy (apart from getting ready for tomorrow)

Seventy-six

I'm sure the weather forecast I saw last night said it would be bright and mild today but I give thanks, though clearly a lot more so than yesterday, it's been cool and cloudy enough for me not to feel I'm missing out not going out. Of course I was missing out on a few things I'd like from the shops but hey ho, I give thanks I'd enough in the cupboards to keep me going until I managed to get bathed, dressed and fed enough to make it to the health food shop just before it shut at 4pm. I think I really should have gone around the back as I sure wasn't a good advert for their wares! Afterwards I should have dome some more preparation for Kate filling in my PIP form on Monday but I was just too tired to think straight! I'm grateful I could appreciate the irony but it doesn't get the work done.

This last week has made it very clear that, where kidney failure is concerned, the main source of my exhaustion is the treatment not the disease. Sure other things I have the matter with me cause pain and difficulty and sleepless nights but I go into the dialysis unit bright as a rather old scarred button and come out like a smear on the pavement, and since it is supposed to preserve life the impairment of life quality takes some getting your head around. One of the wonderful things about my little trip away with Jan however was that while looking at all the non-rock related things in the shops my crafting mojo came back! The last six months or so have been about survival and creativity hasn't stood a chance, so I give great thanks for this. I really need to feel some motivation and purpose in the coming months, and I've started on a little crochet project that came into my head, and give thanks for the magical mystery of inspiration. The patterns come out of my head so I don't have to concentrate on instructions and can rely on hand memory not brain memory to twiddle the hook... though I also give thanks my brain remembered to tell my hands to stop before they went into cramp spasms.

Seventy-five

Brrr - it was so wet and windy and cold today we decided not to leave our suitcases at the cottage and wander about for a few hours before the bus as originally intended. I give thanks we were both in agreement that an earlier departure and arrival home would be far nicer in the circumstances! For good connections and, for me, an hour or so sorting out this and that at my flat before heading back to the hospital. For calling the DWP as soon as I got in so I could listen to One Season on loop while I changed my clothes, unpacked a few odds and ends, packed my bag of bits for treatment, made and drank a cuppa, started writing my blog etc etc...

I give thanks after 58 minutes someone answered and informed me the decision makers had received the information on 25th February and had 14 calender days to respond so I should be 'hearing something any day now' When I pointed out she'd got the wrong month for this to nake sense she said she'd ask someone to call me back over the next 3 working days ... whatever that means! 

I give thanks for having such an enjoyable break despite the increasingly inclement weather. Last night we were grateful we hadn't quite left for dinner (despite having coats and boots on) when a heavy hail shower started. It coated the ground in white and looking up the steep street with twinkly lights in the old fashioned shop windows reminded me of a Christmas card scene. We had a delicious Indian meal and walked back down just before another pelting of stones started. Quite grateful for that too.

Seventy-four

I give thanks we've been lucky with the weather. It stayed dry for going to the restaurant and back last night but was poor enough for us to be the first to arrive and thus get served with delicious Thai tofu meals very quickly! Today the wind blew most of the rain away by late morning but nearly blew us with it when we ventured out for brunch but this meant we brought back appropriately filled pasties and a lovely fresh couscous salad for lunch followed by munching various snacks and treats while jigsawing before a siesta - an unusually relaxed and appreciated afternoon for both of us. Holidays don't have to be about doing things.

I give thanks though the pain in my joints lingered all day yesterday and through the night today it's eased off somewhat which makes for better mood and movement.

I give thanks for popping into the office to answer a voicemail with one of my own...and waking up from my snooze just in time to take a call back from Lynn, the very approachable stoma nurse who has said she'll send me some 'supporting evidence' for my PIP application. For remembering the restaurant we went to last night was a cafe during the day so we only had a few steps for reviving hot drinks before battling to finish the puzzle which was one of those where the wrong pieces fit just as well as the right. Phew! All done except the bit that was missing!

Seventy-three

I give thanks for my cups of tea brought to me in the morning. There are lots of things I like about my trips with Jan but often these are particularly welcome as I tend to walk further when I'm with someone who helps me forget I shouldn't and the joints are quick to remind me over night. My hips and knees were already complaining yesterday but this time pulling my little suitcase along, and other activities meant pretty much all of them hurt terribly and I was grateful for seperate rooms so all the grunting and groaning didn't wake her up.

I give thanks when she was reading a book yesterday evening I took a look at the jigsaws here and decided, rashly, to start a 1000 piecer and see if I could finish it before we got home. 'Do you like doing jigsaws?' I called to her in the other room. 'Oh yes, I love them', she replied, 'Are you one of those people who hate other people joining in?' Oh, no, I said, I love doing them with other people. Cue, a contented couple of hours quiet entertainment, though of course it made my fingers and thumbs seize up and wrists and knuckles sore...I give thanks for managing to eat vegan croissants and blackcurrant jam nonetheless.

I give thanks for more jigsawing today in between dodging the showers, rather nice things to eat, and a much needed siesta for me. The restaurant we first thought of has, rather I considerately, closed for refurbishment since we originally looked at their website, and our second choice for brunch had the doors wide open to the wind terrace when we arrived, so I give thanks for finding the little mostly veggie cafe across the road most welcoming and with very good food. So good we went back later. And have also found a Thai restaurant just a few doors away from here...

I give thanks for the DWP sending me a text to remind me I still haven't returned my PIP application (which only arrived 10 days ago and isn't due back for 10 more) threatening me with chopping off more benefit if I don't. What a shame I can't send text reminders to them about the paperwork I sent them more than two months ago and threaten them with what? Selling my body on street corners (for medical science) I give thanks someone is due to physically fill in the form for me next week as I cannot write that much

Seventy-two

Woohoo, holiday ! I give thanks we booked this little break a few weeks ago as, while the renal team were OK with honouring it,  they wouldn't have let me wander off on the spur of the moment now treatment has started. Oh and I give thanks we treated ourself to three nights in a fab cottage on a seafront not too far away so not too much journeying to do. For the weather being so far much kinder that we had been led to believe it might be with patches of quite warm sunshine and mostly only short light showers. For stunning views of sky and sea and cliffs and clouds, and a seat on the doorstep for more...

I give thanks for amiable ambles around interesting shops plus refreshment stops and for fine self catering facilities too, so that weary now I can rest a while Jan heats up some food.

Seventy-one

Ugh! What an ungodly hour I had to get up today... though I do give thanks as a result I managed almost to doze off during my treatment. For also managing to initial and sign a form to take part in a study using my left hand, and it being vaguely legible. Took a very long time though. The lady co-ordinating it here is lovely and I give thanks for the pleasure of her company to pass some of the time. You can have visitors while you have dialysis and several people did today... Just putting it out there, you know, although hospital wards do tend to suck the life out of a conversation so I don't mind so much that I don't!

I give thanks for yet another transport muddle being sorted...eventually...so I could come home again afterwards instead of coming from home to hospital again which is what they wanted me to do...

I give thanks for Jan arriving and treating me to a cuppa in the sunshine to try to coax me back from zombi state. It's been lovely here this afternoon so, as there are still dire warnings about the temperature plummeting  over the next few days we were able to enjoy a couple of hours 'Spring break'. I give thanks she is now heating up the stew I made yesterday for our tea...