Dreaming

 I give thanks for my wondrous dreams, so full of detailed sensual pleasures. It was a shock when I awoke this morning to see the hospital curtain beside the bed instead of the Mediterranean island I was exploring, and the beep of call bells or drip machines instead of the live music I was enjoying at a wooden tabled Ramblas bar. 

For the young housekeeper singing the Everly Brothers' Dream as he swept around my bed. It's one of my all time favourites and we sang a few bars together in harmony. What a treat!

For trying to be understanding and patient when other patients, staff or the faults in the system begin to infuriate me, or when doctors and specialist nurses treat me with excessive delicacy regarding oncological matters, as if I might not have noticed or be in denial about the cancer. For the very vocal and demanding lady across the way who helps me to remember by not naturally being so inclined!

For a few chunks of tinned pineapple Charlotte  brought in going down like  a dream yesterday. I must see if I can get someone to bring a little food box with some more so seconds can be saved in the fridge.

For accepting a nasal feeding tube to try to build me up, and the  irony of going through the horrible process of insertion only to have to wait for hours for them to find a pump to administer the nutrition. See above... 

Weathered

I give thanks for having a little more of an appetite again. Still can't keep the food down but it's nice to enjoy a few mouthfuls first. For the sight and sensation of sunshine through the corridor windows on the way to another department and back. Good to get a break away from the loud sounds and smells of the ward too. 

 For Julie driving through the rain to deliver supplies and clean clothing and take away the smelliest ones to wash. For Charlotte cycling through the rain to bring fizzy water and pineapple. For the bits when I manage to get some sleep between the various kerfuffle going on. There are some rather impatient patients on the ward now. For the nursing staff doing their best, and for my consultant bringing me a photo of the vegan option mushroom Wellington at the Christmas Dinner. Home made pastry too! For the warm feeling of thinking of people having happy family times 

Sad

 I give thanks for kind words and deeds, and poignant memories. For nurse Charlotte from the kidney unit coming to visit me and share her exploits Christmas dipping in the Dart with her other half. She has an endearing way of describing her adventures which makes me feel I was there and not just wishing I had been. For lovely messages from Steph and from Lynn's partner Derek, who I have never met but who had such thoughtful things to say. For my sadness at her passing being ameliorated by the knowledge she was at home with the man she loved and not suffering at the end. Still grieving though...

For lots and lots of sleeping 

Anticipated

 I give thanks for the thought of people waking up anticipating a special day. 

I give thanks for sound of the nursing staff laughing together. For the sound of the wind and rain outside. For the tinkle of the tea trolley like jingle bells. For the thoughtful wrapped gifts of toiletries they gave all the patients, although with my new line I can't shower unless I have a protective cover and they've none of those on the ward. Humph! 

For remarkably good food and drinks on offer although I still can't keep anything down for long. For lots of naps despite the various noises. For a lovely young female doctor and a rather alternative nurse I've met before. We share a passion for fizzy water. God how I'd love some of that to sip right now - the stuff that comes out of hospital is not helping with the nausea at all

Distracted

I've been on my own for loads of Christmases, on my own and ill for quite a few. I've had outpatients treatment on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day but being a patient in hospital over the season is a new experience for me. So grateful it's a ward where I feel relatively at home, and that I had no festive plans! 

For the kindness of the staff in trying to accommodate the seasonal 

emotional needs of poorly people with partners and loved ones...along with Covid compliant precautions. One lady is being moved to a side room so her adult children  and disabled husband can all visit at once. I have to make do with some joking with the consultant on her rounds but that's still welcome. I give thanks for the no nonsense but gentle way she breaks bad mews, and for her passing on the message that the renal unit team have been ringing to wish me well. I give thanks on the whole the workers seem to have been having an enjoyable day, exchanging gifts and so on, even if sometimes this means their jolly makes them rather rowdy and distracted!

For a mid-line averting a crisis when even the vascular wizards failed to get a cannula into my elfin veins. 

Hospialised

Several people have remarked I must have been ill to agree to being admitted, so I actually give thanks I was so unwell at the time an ambulance was the only way I could leave the building, and getting to that was challenge enough. I give thanks for feeling better for IV anti emetics, glucose and saline though the usual numerous failed attempts at inserting cannula ae? are so painful.

I give thanks after a very diaturbed night on AMU including 

 snoring I've be never heard the ike of - more like walruses than the ubiquitous little old lady - I've been moved to one of the renal wards I've been on before where I know severeal of the staff and vice versa which helps, along with my own night and wash things very kindly delivered by Jo, Keith and Michelle. For a gastrocopy booked for tomorrow and we'll take it from there. I have optimistically filled in the special menu sheets for the next few days as the renal consultant says if my throat is mended my potassium is so low I can have all the naughty stuff on offer. 

Turning

I give thanks for Sandra in the endoscopy appointments office. She has been so helpful and accommodating of the complications of my particular circumstances and we finally came up with a plan B for my procedure to take place next Thursday afternoon. I give thanks for Julie who gave the thumbs up to collecting me afterwards as I expect I'll feel a little (more) battle weary. For her coming this afternoon popping to the shops, doing some domestic chores and cheering me up with our usual rambling chatter during which she realised she could also take me to the appointment too as her work day ends in time. Oh you don't want to be hanging round I said... Oh I don't know she replied, I can always go to Waitrose. Fair enough! It's always much nicer being with a friend isn't it?

I give thanks for almost finishing clearing out the festering food in the fridge. It's quite a battle convincing myself throwing it way is unavoidable at the moment and I shouldn't feel guilty. I'm very grateful we have a kerbside food waste collection and that it's put to good use anyway.

I give thanks I have been given some Christmas presents. I've been a bit lax this year (once again I think I'm excused but I'm so grateful I managed to give a few as well. For Julie being able to raid my mosaic stash box for some last minute gifts too - unless she keeps them lol. No greater praise than that really is there? I love it when people appreciate my work.

I give thanks it's the Winter Solstice and for the turning of the year. For remembering clapping in corners and resolving to do some soon, maybe after turning over for a quick pre bedtime nap! 

Advisory

Oh gosh I'm meant to be grateful aren't I? Umm...

I give thanks I managed not to be sick until I got home. It's never nice but it's nicer in your own bathroom. For eventually thawing out on the sofa - my substitute driver never asks if I'm warm enough and I don't like to say I'm not. For  an old Midsomer Murders to entertain me during this lengthy process... and for falling fast asleep, as I didn't do that on the unit either. For the dietician visiting me during treatment and advising trying to eat something every hour to get my weight back up. I'm sure this would be more helpful if my body didn't keep rejecting whatever I put in...

In some ways I'm grateful tomorrow's  gastroscopy has been postponed as I feel so weak and wobbly, but it's also a shame as I'd have been a step nearer finding out what's going on, and if anything can be done to stop it.

For easterly wind whipped seas. For my beloved sofa. 

Companionable

Well the shop trip fell by the wayside as I didn't fancy doing so myself! Hey ho, I give thanks there was nothing urgent on my list. The tree didn't get baubled either but I managed to change my stoma bag and wash and detangle my neglected nest of hair. Unremarkable maybe but still worthy of a mental round of applause. 

I give thanks after sleeping a lot of the morning I managed to stay awake this afternoon and sit up and watch some TV. For this year's rather different Real Full Monty. Always brings up a LOT of stuff for me as you can imagine but this year Christine explaining some of the difficulties women with autism hide had me in tears too. Don't assume people who don't make eye contact are shifty or cold, for some of us it's almost like an electric shock. 

I give thanks for some virtual communication over the last couple of days, I appreciate a bit of 'talk'. For my oldest friend (in terms of years) saying she hoped I was having some company. Well, anyone who came round here would receive no hospitality and would be given a list of chores so best not, but I give thanks she is not left alone, bless her. 

Mammoth

I give thanks for the day in bed I've been promising myself for a while. Might not sound very festive or fun, but festive and fun is beyond me right now and when you've not been eating for a while it's a good way to conserve energy and slow weight loss. Also I'm aching and exhausted and so the rest is welcome plus it's cold so it saves on heating bills. And that reminds me I give thanks the Warm Home Discount has been applied to my account even though my energy company has gone bust. 

I give thanks for beds, mattresses, pillows, coverings and cosiness as required. Easy to take such luxuries for granted. For as many little naps today as my body has required. For Miriam Margolyes reading her autobiography to me and Sandi Toksvig writing one laced with history and the experiences of bus journeys for me to read to myself. 

I set myself one task beyond fulfilling my basic needs - finding lights and batteries for my mini 'mistletoe' Christmas tree, plus putting them on of course, and I give thanks that I succeeded. Tomorrow baubles maybe... but I'm also hoping to get dressed and get to the shop which is going to be a mammoth undertaking, and there's a lot of uneaten smelly food in the fridge to be disposed of so who knows what will be. 

Moonlit

Wow, that's some serious moonlight out there tonight! For it brightening up a journey home in a less comfortable car and with a less convivial driver than usual - so pretty behind the silhouettes of trees. I give thanks my regular driver and his daughters are taking a mini break in a rather pleasant city not too away - they certainly deserve it. Also for a couple of weeks annual leave for Peggy, a single HCA just a little bit my senior. She has a better bedside manner than many of the other staff (including the ones with much darker uniforms) and has been particularly thoughtful since I've been poorly. 

For a sleep on the sofa when I got indoors. Felt in need of that since I woke up this morning! For vivid if rather unrealistic dreams - last night I was at a party which was most enjoyable, and then was successfully eating food at home...likewise! For Michelle giving the place a good clean and changing my bedding too. She even offered to put my deckies up for me as I've still not managed it, but I'd rather choose what goes where myself...even if it doesn't get there! 

Low

Oh the joy of waking up and realising it's not a hospital day! I'm grateful for all the NHS try to do for me, but my goodness it wears me out! Feeling extra weak and low in every today I've particularly appreciated the opportunity to take a lot of it lying down! 

For Repair Shop at Christmas, that was sweet and the skills and charm of the repairers are always impressive. 

For finally getting the obsolete Economy 7 wiring removed, one switch removed and two turned into sockets to minimise trailing extension leads. I must've been asking the wring people at first as they kept ignoring me, and when I got the right one he had a very very long work list. I'm grateful he was well worth waiting for in terms of quality of work, price charged, helpfulness and congeniality. It's not easy having strangers in your home especially when you're feeling poorly but heads me feel at home if you know what I mean.

I give thanks for the lower brook lights being on. I've seen Oxford Street and Singapore (not recently obviously) but a few coloured  bulbs reflected in dark water outside my flat windows is delightful enough for me these days and elicits little squeaks of pleasure.

I give thanks though I've felt crap I've not felt it's been a crap day. The trick is not to set your expectations too high.

Positive

I give thanks for feeling a little tidgy widgy bit better today. For the kindness of nurses and HCAs on the unit. For an appointment next week for a gastroscopy and for the very helpful member of staff in that department who helped me arrange it. For Julie saying she'll make herself available to pick me afterwards as my taxi driver is away on a much needed break and even if I don't have the sedative I don't think I'll be up to the bus. 

I give thanks for all the positive self talk I indulge in so, between all that horizontal procrastination, when I do actually move around a little and try to get a few small jobs done, I praise, encourage and congratulate myself profusely. For plenty of horizontal procrastination since I arrived home. Best thing for extreme exhaustion...well, pretty much the only thing for extreme exhaustion really! 

Procrastinating

I give thanks for perseverance, though the thing I've been persevering with most today is my need for rest and restorative sleep so it's not been too hard a task! I really am becoming remarkably good at spending time thinking about doing things rather than actually doing them... 

I give thanks for spending extra hours in bed in both the morning and the afternoon - cheaply cosy on a winter's day. For finally being signed off immunotherapy phone triage though they'll be stealthily monitoring my blood test results for some time to come I'm sure. For managing some morsels of food, and most of them staying down. For a good book, a sofa and TV. 

Inadmissible

I give thanks for making it to the unit and making it home again. There was a time when I thought I might expire in less than ideal circumstances, and another where I was given the option of an inpatient bed. If things don't improve sharpish I may have to take that option but I'd prefer to avoid it if at all possible obviously. 

I wasn't at all grateful about having to go in early for routine renal appointments but I told myself it would be worth it to spend some quality time with the dietician and consultant and they were both very supportive and helpful and kind, the consultant prescribing a new course of antibiotics, going over to the main hospital to collect and deliver them and arranging a slightly earlier treatment slot so I didn't have to wait around too long. For the nursing staff doing their best to make things bearable for me and likewise my taxi driver.

I give thanks I managed to fill a hot water bottle before collapsing on the sofa and falling fast asleep. For a rich fantasy life in which someone is at hand to bring me a chamomile tea and cream cracker to try and an old washing up bowl if they fail. For knowing eventually I'll get them myself as mastering ingestion is crucial to maintaining my outpatient status. 

Neglected

I give thanks for bedside lighting when night time physical pain or stressful thoughts need some respite from the dark. For starting the sat feeling relatively OK despite increasing signs the infection I was prescribed antibiotics for is taking hold again, eventually managing to get dressed and wobble to the Co op and veg shop - just in case I start  eating properly again. At the moment, as the bug gets settled in, even water's not staying put! I give thanks a bonus of this is I've been  able to stay on top of the washing up, despite mostly lying down with the to do list in my head lying crumpled and neglected too. 

I give thanks for a number of Police related programmes last night - the sort with tunes not truncheons! Ah the happy nostalgia of the early hits, but also I was surprised and grateful for a selection of pieces from The Last Ship - a work that completely passed me by but which proved to be in turns moving informative and joyous with very talented musicians and singers including, rather unreasonably surprisingly, Jimmy Nail. 

Still

I give thanks for Banksy. For water tanks. For a still, grey Saturday for staying mostly still in bed, in the bath and on the sofa. Though eating is such a struggle, and consequently I have hardly any energy to do even the simplest things I'd like to get done, I give thanks enjoying books and films and TV still means my life still has some quality. 

I give thanks that Julie took some little packages to the PO for me yesterday, one has arrived already and the recipient is pleased. 

Cautious

I give thanks for rediscovering the knack of making soup from what's to hand. Last night's was originally chickpea and roast cauliflower (with onion, celery and garlic) but there were far more chickpeas than anything else so I added some barley for bulk and some frozen spinach I'd forgotten about. Hint of spice, liquidise (yep, I give thanks for that fabulous tool) and it tasted so good that even though I felt I couldn't eat anything a few spoonfuls went down a treat. 

Tonight I give thanks for managing a couple of crackers with cheese though didn't do well with the soup. As long as I'm eating something eh?  For snoozing during treatment while Miriam Margolyes read to me..and gradually thawing out on the sofa with a hot water bottle and my coat still on now I'm home. For Peter the taxi driver giving me my Christmas present (a poinsettia) early in case it  died before the day - better than giving it me early in case I do! He also took me to see some festive lights on the way home - always appreciated, and what a kind thought! 

Enchanting

I give thanks for Imee Ooi very pleasantly drowning out the constant conversation from the pair behind me on the bus. For beautiful patterns of cloud across the sky. For the sight of decorations in the windows of houses we passed, and the polar bear and cub in twinkly lights outside the main entrance to the hospital which always reminds me of last year when Julie came to pick me up after an inpatient stay and her car wouldn't start to get us home!

I give thanks for the procedure being far less traumatic and invasive than I had fearfully anticipated and the department staff being so reassuring and kind. For treating myself to the warmth and speed of a taxi home. For Julie collecting and delivering a Tesco order I'd clicked and for her being as enthusiastic about the cactus vase I bought her for her birthday as I hoped she'd be. For catch up and laughter and a couple of little jobs done for me

I give thanks there's just one dialysis day and then it's the weekend.

Cosy

Goodness me I'm tired this evening, however I'm very grateful it's because I've been busy with more than lying on the sofa watching TV and playing games on my tablet. For my eating being on the whole better the last couple of days, though I say that  with trepidation in case my digestive system changes its mind!

Despite my attempts at productivity (with varying degrees of success) I give thanks thanks for the sense of relaxation that comes from an unscheduled dialysis free day. The literature describes treatment as 'burdensome' and that's certainly an apt word to use. For an afternoon nap and, after the initial fright when I woke and thought I'd overslept and missed the bus to tomorrow's appointment, for realising I was just dozy and confused. 

When I'm at home I frequently give thanks for the revamped corner of my lounge. It's what I see from the settee when I'm not looking at the TV and it gives me such a cosy homely feeling. For finally hanging up the door curtain that was previously concealing the shelves housing kitchen overflow in that spot. That too provides some cosiness now it's over the entrance door. 

Recurring

By the power of...no, not Grayskull but Werther's!! I give thanks the storm abated and I made it there and back to collect my new glasses in rather pleasant weather. What a joy it is to be able to see properly again...I'm deeply grateful to the NHS for paying a hefty contribution to this and for the little burst of energy those little sweeties and there 23.333 calories give. I even managed to buy a Christmas prezzie and  a piece of Christmas cake for me. Yeah right I'm so going to be able to eat that but it's the thought that counts and I think about eating real munchy crunchy food a lot! I give thanks for partaking of a scrambled egg and a few Frazzles instead. They quickly dissolve so you've something to get your teeth but there's nothing to actually swallow!

I give thanks for a rather elderly lady tackling a much younger man on the bus about his naked face. He seemed unperturbed, didn't give a reason or excuse so I was also grateful she just said 'Oh well it takes all sorts doesn' t it?' and let it go.

I give thanks for leaving a message at the unit saying I'm not going in tomorrow and the lovely Matron Mel leaving me such a kind and understanding message in return. I'm saving myself for the delights of a barium swallow on Thursday which is more likely to be a barium regurgitation  methinks! 

Uninspiring

 Gosh is that the time? I give thanks for coming home early from the unit and spending my extra leisure time curled up on the settee. For being looked after very well when I was rather unwell - dialysis can be harsh on the body if you've not eaten and drink enough for treatment to be actually necessary.

I give thanks for the helpfulness of my taxi driver. For the comfort of a hot water bottle to cosy up to. For the brainwave that was asking Michelle to get Werther's butter candies. They help with nausea and give me a few calories without the challenge of eating. For not having any Christmas socialising to forgo, nor tasty treats as most of those aren't allowed anyway.

I give thanks for novels that start out uninspiring but become page turners with further reading - so much better than the other way round! Ooh I think I might go and read one in the bath! 

Unsolved

I give thanks for all the festive events going on around now. I hope people are having fun and being careful! It must be very welcome to mingle a little after last year. I give thanks there are folk who feel fit and well or who at least have fit and well people to help them take care of themselves. 

I give thanks for waking late after a difficult night and the relief of it being a Sunday so I could stir myself very slowly. For doing some useful things in instalments in between lots of resting, even making it outdoors briefly to get some odds and ends. One good thing about not eating much is you don't need much in the way of shopping! Still a mystery how I manage to continue to create so much washing up though... 

Frontal

I give thanks one can read the front pages of newspapers online avoiding having to buy the pesky things or go to a shop to peruse the stand. The headlines don't interest me much (though the different spins can be amusing) but I'm fascinated by the teasers at the top and side telling you someone you've never heard is giving tips about something that doesn't matter, or there's recipes using venison leftovers in your Aga or simply suggestions for more stuff you could buy! I love to tut and shake my head over them! 

I give thanks though I thought I'd stay in bed eventually I made it to the sofa. For vintage detective shows on ITV3, one set in even more vintage times with Fred Perry at Roland Garros! For experimenting with things I might be able to eat. For those Frazzles bacon snacks working well as they dissolve away to almost nothing on your tongue. For a bit of slow motion cooking too with not quite dead vegetables from the fridge. Will see how that progresses tomorrow. 

I give thanks my normal face has reappeared now the steroid bloating. What  relief it is to see someone I recognise in the mirror! 

Capable

I give thanks for a bowl of not homemade soup and a snooze on the sofa soon after I got home. For people just doing their job but managing to act as if they actually care about me. This is particularly precious right now when I'm finding it quite exhausting taking care of myself... For Michelle trawling the local shops for Werther's to suck when I can't manage to eat, Rob the ex matron and I making each other laugh at the end of my treatment and Charlotte, who spent some time arranging for me and the antibiotics to finally get together on Wednesday, coming to check that in fact we had. 

For the weekend ahead to rest and recuperate after a much busier few days than I felt capable of managing. For an appointment for further investigations next week (already!). I'll worry about that nearer the time. 

 give thanks for a text conversation with Jan last night leading to me remembering the delights of Edward II playing in Mid Wales in the 80s plus numerous other gigs, parties and festivals I enjoyed there. I'd almost forgotten that once I had a life...and spent quite a lot of it dancing!

For my bed made for me with clean linen and my bathwater waiting to soothe my aches and pains. 

Procedural

I give thanks for getting the tourist seat* 

on the bus to my procedure. For dappled patches of cloud racing across the bright blue skies and reflections on the water. For my humour diffusing some of the tension when I was seen and even more for it being over and Peter my taxi driver there to pick me up as I walked out of the hospital doors. I give thanks everything looked fine and from now on the only things I hope to have up my nose are delicious fragrances! Damn, I just remembered Covid and MRSA swabs... 

I give thanks that research has shown I'm not in the least odd or unique in having tiny ear movement in response to sound in some situations. It still seems to be pretty rare to actually be aware of it happening but you can all stop calling me a freak now OK? 

 https://elifesciences.org/articles/54536

*top deck front right

Canine

I give thanks for much helpfulness today - the HCA also currently suffering a urinary infection (and thus particularly aware of the urgency) phoning the lab about the results they'd supplied that didn't make sense, then a nurse phoning a doctor for a prescription...and then phoning the main hospital pharmacy to ask them to take the pills to the main hospital renal unit before they (the pharmacy) shut for the day as I wouldn't be able to get there in time after treatment. For the taxi driver taking me on a detour to pick them up. So pleased to be getting treatment at last for one set of symptoms, just got to try to stay awake to take the first one late as they are the 8 he variety. Or wake up at a suitable time to take them - all this bodily malfunction is very wearying

I give thanks for managing a cup a soup and some ice cream for tea - a huge meal by current standards and one (if it stays down) that might help slow my weight loss which is getting rather scary and leaving me so weak, wan....and c-c-cold. I give thanks for beginning to thaw out under a quilt with my coat still on and hood still up and a hot water bottle to cwtch up with. For my new specs being ready to pick up too, that should sort out a few other problems when I can get there. Tomorrow I have to go the other way though for something else at the hospital that fills me with dread but has to be done. I'll be walking down the corridor a bit like a dog on the way to the vets or for a bath - so slowly I'm almost in reverse. I give thanks the analogy makes me smile...and that I go to my bath most willingly! 

Old

I give for the NHS, I really do, but sometimes their valiant efforts to keep me alive are exhausting and I'd rather snooze on the sofa even knowing I might not wake up. Wouldn't be a bad way to go really, for me, though I accept perhaps distressing for whoever found me. 

Talking of finding I give thanks for finding enough assertiveness to request the desperately patronising young female who rang re an appointment refrained from calling me 'my lovely' at the end of every remark, although I did acknowledge maybe she couldn't help it! Possibly she saw my date of birth and assumed I was missing some marbles, but I suspect she was one of those who put on a special baby voice when talking to patients as a general rule. I've encountered a few of these since starting dialysis and oh how it infuriates me! A blue uniform is not proof of superior intellect, and even if you do have a superior intellect it's not usually necessary to talk to others that way. I give thanks on the whole the plain clothes staff I deal with treat me as if I'm an equal. Oh, and for the surgeon yesterday making me laugh when I described myself as a little old lady and he said I wasn't little I was petite! 

I give thanks for getting to my sofa at last for a nap today, and for a documentary with the late and much admired Nicholas Parsons talking about his love of clocks and watches, travelling to Paris to view the  astonishing eighteenth century and nineteenth work of Breguet. He was in his 90s when it was filmed, and no longer nimble on his pins but still so dapper, eloquent and enthusiastic. Marvellous man! 

I give thanks for having  my stoma supplies delivered by driver not shy of door bells this time. For having power in the form of electricity, uninterrupted by the storm. For water to fill my kettle, hottie bottie and bath, water the plants and flush the loo. 

Recorded

Long day, short post. I give thanks for rising to the challenges (some of which required walking more than I had planned) and lying down on the sofa when I finally got home. For the helpful hospital staff including the fistula surgeon not only agreeing we should leave that. alone for now, but picking up on my comments about problems swallowing, asking questions, looking in my mouth and offering to refer me to ENT. For one of the nurses saying how much they admired me. 

For managing to swallow some supper.  For my digibox recording live TV and for catch up when it doesn't record it all!

Arrayed

I'm not good at the cold, nor the nights drawing in, and don't have anything festive to look forward to, but a bonus of this time of year is that if there's a sunset I can see it from my sofa. I'm very grateful for that!

I give thanks for making it through another day. For a Sainsbury's delivery of food I don't feel like eating and for Mima finding a use for some. For buying myself some flowers. 

I give thanks my real face is beginning to emerge from the blob. For lots of slobbing around on the sofa.

Level

I give thanks for Clive coming round to do some little jobs this evening. Not only did he improve the home but he made me a cuppa and stopped to chat which bucked me up a bit. I've been feeling pants and though I was grateful for the snoozy cosiness of staying in bed all morning it was good to have a reason to get up and put some on!

I give thanks for the first bit of worktop in situ. Its the littlest but in some ways the most longed for as it previously contained the built in hob and had an extra piece on top of part of it to cover the hol which rendered it less useful than if it had been flat. Now it's all one layer, in a far more serviceable colour and practical finish. I'm grateful I also really like the way it looks!

I give thanks for eating a couple of buttered crackers, and that there's some soup if I feel more adventurous in a bit. For heat on another chilly night. For the hilarious enthusiasm of shopping channel presenters. I've never bought anything, and don't suppose I ever will but watch them sometimes just for the buzz of incredulity. For being free to be horizontal for most of today. 

Surviving

Yay, the coloured lights over the lower brook have been switched on along with the Christmas ones! There's a storm due which is often the case after this is done so we'll have to wait and see if they survive, along with the trees atop most of the businesses. I'd be quite grateful if it just took out the random flashing LEDs that adorn them as they rather irritate me...

For being home and curled up on the sofa after a trying day in many ways. For the people who tried to help, including me for trying to help myself. For Stephen Fry reading me to sleep when I felt unwell in the unit. For a hot water bottle to cuddle. For Michelle making my bed so much more tidily than I do. 

Unnatural

This article reaffirms how good it is for people to get out in nature...forgetting, as is often the case with instructions for improving wellbeing, that for some of us it's far easier said than done. I give thanks the photos are so enchanting just looking at them helps anyway! 

https://www.boredpanda.com/cool-nature-pics/

For appreciating nature from my bed and sofa as I wouldn't have had the energy to go far from my doorstep even if I could have found the enthusiasm to get properly dressed. In the park across the road you tend to encounter more in the way of human nature which I don't find so therapeutic! 

For magpie chatter outside my bedroom in the morning and dancing light on my living room ceiling at lunchtime as sunlight bounced on the surface of the brook. For it being warm enough to have windows open on the bright side of the building for a while so I did breathe in some fresh air. 

I give thanks for eating better today, still just little bits at a time but several more times than of late. 

Short

My day up until 6pm included far too much in the way of human error (not mine), bodily malfunction (mine) and general exasperation exacerbated by hunger as it was particularly hard to swallow, so I give thanks after that Rachel came! For acupuncture which helped my swollen sore throat so I could enjoy some of the delicious soup I'd made plus cheese and crackers (the biggest meal I've had for days!) plus hugs, good company and conversation. 

Weird

Having given myself permission to do nothing today I was grateful for even the smallest signs of functionality amidst the lying still. I felt so feeble it overrode my disappointment at not being able to take the trip I'd planned and hours of bed and sofa rest was no effort at all. 

For eventually getting washed and dressed enough to pass for properly washed and dressed with a coat and hat on top. It crossed my mind if it had been milder I might have  gone out in pj's and a dressing gown as slobs and celebrities do, but I give thanks for deciding even then I wouldn't. I give thanks for collecting some pills I was running out of, and for these being supplied to me for free. For the ease of finding an empty bench to rest my weariness on my way back from the pharmacy. For the reflections in the brook water and the soothing sound of the weir. 

I give thanks for the moment when I close a book before emerging from my bath and realise for its duration my body has been free of pain and my mind of worries and woes. 

Extravagant

I give thanks for a good sleep, always the best way for a day to start is waking up from one of those. For realising not long after I did that the dream about having to get up early was just that. For seeming quite well for a while and bustling about with some chores before a morning bath as I often fall asleep before an evening one on a dialysis day...and it was a tad chilly for a shower. For having the choice - what an extravagant first world treat! 

For attempting to sort out the logistics of a renal related appointment scheduled in the middle of dialysis next week...and trying not to fret too much about the possibility of it leading to surgery. 

Meanwhile I was grateful to the nurse who put me on the machine for sending a sample of blood off to be tested for infection markers as my temperature was a little high and I continue to feel rather rubbish (we do a Covid test every Monday anyway). For eyes glued to a download on my tablet during a pesky test in prep for the aforementioned meeting with the surgeon and then drifting off to some meditation music...before a knock on my side room door brought me back to the reality that my lovely renal consultant had me earmarked to talk to some medical students via Teams. 

For interesting conversation with my taxi driver keeping me awake  on the way home, and for being home at last and not needing to try to much longer. 

Serial

It's been a while since I saw You (Netflix series with a new season released) so I give thanks for deciding to go back to the beginning and remind myself what went before before I see what happens next. I remembered it was good so also for finding it good again! For being a snoozy Susie with an attack of the lurgies for a lot of the day so that curling up with the remote has seemed a fitting use of my time. For the bright blue sky for a lot of the day too, and making it outside for some bits from the Co-op, for some being available and a recce for some other things for another day. For paths crossing with Tani so we could discuss another supply chain shortage that's been scuppering a plan we have. For the colours in her beautiful velvet dress and the gorgeous geese in the park...

Centred

I give thanks I worked in a call centre for a while - it means I can bond with customer service advisors when I finally get to speak to them. It also means I know that complaining about how long you've been on hold is one reason you've been on hold so long because so many callers squander extend their talk time moaning about that. The reason I needed to spend ninety minutes of my limited life waiting to get through to someone tonight is that I found a loophole in a train company ticketing policy, but not how to access it and I was very grateful a charming and efficient young man eventually talked me through how this could be done on line so I don't have to go on a quest to find a manned station on a winter Sunday. 

I give thanks for allowing myself to have the restful day I required - it wasn't hard, I've been very tired and wan. For also allowing myself a couple of short stints with some grout as I so wanted to see how some almost finished projects would look and creativity is recuperative in a different way. For not quite burning some soup I made and for managing to eat a little bit. For the simple comfort of hot water or a hot water bottle on one's sore bits. I might invest in one of those long ones one of these days to rest all the way down my back.

I give thanks for discovering via Masterchef: the Professionals that there are folk who employ more than one to cook for different members of their families. 

Unnamed

Our regular unit tea maker is in her home country to be with her poorly dad and patients have had to endure the grim offerings of some untrained replacements in her absence. We are grateful in principal of course but it's the highlight of our incarceration and drinkable is rather welcome too! 

I gave thanks for seeing a familiar face above a housekeeping uniform when I came through the door. I don't know the lady's name but she serves a good cuppa - so I was disappointed when another new chap brought the trolley round instead and served another stewed and tepid beverage. Luckily the one I'd hoped was on drinks duty was soon after on some cleaning task in my room and when I told her how I'd been anticipating one of her good cuppas she volunteered to make me one. Flattery gets you somewhere sometimes! 

I was grateful and so was Peggy who was putting me on the machine before her lunch break and would have done the deed and been delayed if not. For chatting with her - always a joy - and likewise Charlotte, then Peter the taxi driver on the way home as he's been otherwise engaged on family matters a couple of times lately not been able to drive me to and fro. 

I give thanks for not feeling quite so unwell today though I've ached more than has been easy to deal with. For Paracetamol beginning to kick in and the kettle on for a hot water bottle when I can next face moving again 

Passable

I give thanks for the sound of waves breaking...with the screen you get on BBC1 HD when they can't bring you the local news programme! For the sounds of the waves breaking on the beach at the next town along the coast on my way to get my eyes tested. The sea was calm but I'm still feeling rough so it was a challenge to get myself there and I ought to give thanks for how very difficult it has become to see through my specs (and get an appointment!) or I'd have postponed and stayed at home. For the fresh air, change of scene and distractions (by means of other discomforts as well as social interaction) from the various discomforts I already had. 

I give thanks for the very thorough testing which took a very long time...so I'm also grateful I'd cancelled meeting Julie afterwards as I didn't feel up to the pleasures we had planned Even more so for the part where the optician thought I might need to get some treatment at hospital before getting new glasses turning out to be a false alarm! For finding two pairs of passable frames...and the price with promotional voucher plus NHS voucher being most acceptable indeed. 

I give thanks for doing pretty much nothing since arriving back home, passing my time mostly curled up on the sofa sometimes awake, sometimes asleep and sometimes trying to eat. 

Petit

I give thanks for the sights you see from the top deck of a bus... And also when you're lying on a sofa! For my long awaited optician's appointment due tomorrow as I don't  see anything clearly any more and the squinting probably contributes to the headaches and nausea I've been suffering from lately. For my 'complete nutrition' prescription cup-a-soups when proper eating doesn't appeal. 

For Tesco stocking proper French Petit Buerre biscuits. I used to love the ones I had as a child and hoped they might taste the same. They don't...but they are several times better and are another welcome nibble when appetite is poor.

For the atmospheric peeping moon between the banks of cloud. For hearing from Lynn - hang in there girl! For watching the first Ghostbusters film last night just in case I get to see the third. Loved it all over again! For the unscheduled snooze I just awoke from... 

Subjective

Caught myself feeling I'd underachieved today as I finally rose from an extended flop on the sofa earlier this evening. I give thanks for remembering there was a considerable part of the morning I'd actually thought I'd not make it out of bed. It's all relative and subjective isn't it...and there's no need to subject myself to unreasonable and unrealistic expectations. 

I give thanks when I did finally get upright again a lot of the sky was pink! For making it to the outside world briefly this afternoon to pick up meds, milk and a big choux bun for the much needed calories. I've only managed half so far but the other half will keep til tomorrow in the fridge, along with the remains of a delicious red lentil and pepper soup I made. For managing some of that and other mini meals. 

For the remote control and all our viewing choices. For second hand paperback books you don't have to worry about splashing in the bath. For hot water on tap (well via the immersion heater) and the cuddly comfort of a hot water bottle. 

Wimpy

I give thanks for finding a dressing in my stash that covers both window cleaning wounds without the sticky part covering the scabs on healing rucksack ones. See - I had no idea what pleasures there were to be had in the mostly most unpleasurable world of medication side effects!

For managing to eat small quantities of food again and for surviving the trials of a dialysis day. For being curled up on the sofa again at last. For a hot water bottle and snuggly quilt. For the anticipation of pain relief when the paracetamol kick in...and in the meantime for there being no one around to have to put up with my whimpering and groaning. 

Freezing

I give thanks for the first part of the day when I felt well and capable and got on with this and that unhindered by bodily malfunction...also for the part after that when I felt...well...rubbish...spending hours on the sofa under a quilt snoozing and surfing the net. Both states had their charms!

For a tasty lunch and luxurious bath somewhere in the middle, a bit of a walk about and the beautiful blue sky and cloud formations I walked about beneath.

I give thanks for the freezer for my tea - not to get it out of but to put it in as I've lots of food in the fridge and no inclination to eat at all. For a catch with a hot water bottle - it's a mild evening but oh, that is so comforting! 

Daily

I give thanks for the day. Each one is a gift, even the ones that are not what you'd have chosen. For trying to make good choices about how I spent my time...and money, as I spent some of my time buying gifts! And as the day started earlier than I would have chosen I give thanks for getting up and starting making something nice for my tea. 

For a gift I bought myself - a long string of LED stars to hang on my big bookcase and brighten up these long dark nights. For them having a plug not a battery compartment.

I give thanks for public transport. For supermarket deliveries. For the bits when I felt well. 

I give thanks that people are loved. From my window I see so many couples holding hands and try to imagine what it's like to have somebody who's there and cares. For reminding myself it's a blessing imagining is the best I can do as there'll be no one too bereft when I'm gone. 

Drawing

I give thanks for good small screen entertainment now the evenings are drawing in and the nights are long and dark. For remembering something on my to watch list a little earlier and being well into the first episode before I remembered I was only supposed to be checking it out not getting drawn in before I'd written my blog and checked out my Tesco order...

I give thanks for Michelle's very efficient cleaning and my own contribution which was slightly improving the transparency of the kitchen window. Unfortunately the steroids have made my skin so delicate that pressure of my arm on the window frame made the bruises I acquired cleaning the bedroom one a few days ago into open wounds...I give thanks for having some spare dressings to hand. For still having my old sink as I had to stand in it to reach. For also going to the shops twice before going to the hospital as I had to go back for something I couldn't carry with everything else - quite a busy morning for me!

I give thanks for buying a birthday gift for a friend, plus some mini pots of custard for my taxi driver after he said he loved sponge puddings but it wasn't worth opening a normal size can or packet just for himself. He'd apparently never heard of these perfect provisions for the solitary custard lover and I thought he might have trouble finding them in the supermarket if he'd never noticed them before. I was grateful he was grateful...and while I was having treatment he went to Waitrose to buy some individual sticky toffee puddings. I was very grateful he gave me one of those!

Delightful

Not at my best today but I've been thankful for achieving what seemed to me to be the most important goals including finishing rearranging the corner where the new lamp stands, and curling up on the sofa with a hot water bottle and quilt for an afternoon snooze! The first of these tasks required going up and down the small steps a few times to reach the upper bookcase shelves and get my guitar and mandolin down for a polish and slight change of position so I was grateful my knees hurt less than yesterday...

I was also grateful, and astonished, that when I tried to play my guitar I made a better job of it than I have for many a year. Since my strokes I've joked I can play anything you like as long it's in C...but this time my left hand managed D and A and E as well! As my right can still twiddle the strings adequately enough this kept me entertained for quite a while and felt reassuringly like 'being me' - a rare treat for folk whose way of life has been changed by ill health. 

I give thanks my eyes have been working better this evening and I've been able to see what's on the TV. My poor old squashed throat has been a right pain in the...well... neck though, which is funny in a punny way. I give thanks for my warped sense of humour and little bits of things to eat. For the moonlight on the sea. 

Laughing

I give thanks for two opportunities for a good old chortle during the last twenty four hours. Yesterday evening while channel hopping I came across a vintage Whose Line Is It Anyway? on Dave Ja Vu. I'd forgotten what a joy that is - just looking at Ryan Styles and Colin Mochrie silent and standing still improves my mood! Then today I searched on the Sainsbury's grocery site for Christmas meals. They'd put stuff like stock cubes on the list to pad it out so I applied filters to avoid scrolling through a lot of irrelevancies. First I searched for vegetarian options and came up with gravy granules - just gravy granules lol. Then I tried vegan and all they could offer was a couple of (empty) pie dishes! They do lots of fresh and frozen meat free food, some even comes in boxes with pictures of baubles on, so I don't know none were suggested. Maybe the website organiser was having a laugh at our expense... 

I give thanks for braving the city crowds (apparently Christmas shopping!) to purchase my light bulb today. The new lamp looks lovely but no photos as a) it's not yet in its final position and b) I'm too tired, achy and attached to the sofa to move! For an absorbing film on Netflix which has been keeping me from writing this. For at least some of the trials of the day being behind me. For just about being awake stil, tthough now I'm warm and fed this may not last long at all 

Coloured

Well the future might not be bright, but I give thanks for the glowing autumn colours seen this afternoon on the woody journey to a Travelzoo voucher afternoon tea with Mima. For the incredible peacefulness of the countryside around the hotel - can't remember the last time I was somewhere so quiet and still.

For eating some of the delicious food despite feeling decidedly off colour today - and bringing the rest of my share home of course! I'm on a (not at all) merry go round of side effects from pills taken to treat side effects of other medication and it's very wearing on the body, mind and soul, but I give thanks the end of the steroids and PPIs is (fingers crossed!) in sight and maybe some of my physical troubles will start to subside.

Some of my physical troubles I'm stuck with of course, and managing to clean a small window this morning and assemble my new lamp base this afternoon has left my arms and shoulders aching so I'll be wrapping up this typing malarkey in a min. I give thanks for the golden yellow of the shade (much nicer than the 'mustard' it's described as) and for the possibility of purchasing a suitable bulb over the next couple of days so I can see what it looks like lit. 

Entertaining

I give thanks for a good sleep and entertaining dreams. For feeling more human on waking than I had for so long I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever feel human again! It's a mystery how my wellbeing fluctuates but as long as I get some times of feeling OK then it's easier to be grateful. 

I give thanks for putting my humanity to sensible use by first finishing making the pudding I started yesterday but was too tired to complete, and discovering pear and blueberry sponge makes for an excellent breakfast! 

For next working my way up to the top of town dropping off some things to a local food bank collection point and charity shop in passing, and purchasing a table from another to enhance the aforementioned living room corner requiring some attention. The table was very small and light (and cheap!) so no great effort to get it home I'm glad to say as the next job was a rather strenuous session of reorganising another corner so I could put stuff from the first one there before my body started warning me it was going to get very cross. I give thanks this mission was accomplished.

I give thanks for an OK day on the UK unit, though rather draining and tiring and for quick snack to have with my pills as I didn't get tonight's dinner ready this morning and I'm not sure how I'll get on making something now I'm comfy and cosy on the sofa with Netflix entertaining me. Ooh, I give thanks for remembering that pudding! 

Luxurious

I give thanks for Cauldron Cumberland sausages. I had mine today with various easy accompaniments including a frozen Yorkshire pudding and gravy made with granules. For the convenience of convenience food. 

For a slow moving day but nonetheless managing to move, and for removing displaced items from other rooms that have been loitering for months in my bedroom  due to the slow moving kitchen renovation. 

For making it down to the cove for a cuppa and cake, and for the tide being low enough to walk back along the beach despite the pools and channels having been rearranged since last I was there and not having the sturdiest of shoes. For needing a nap when I returned and for the luxury of being able to have one. 

For waggy dogs playing tag on the sand. For warmth in the sunshine still. For the adventure golf being shut for the season which means no fresh donuts (boo!) but fewer tourists around (hurrah!) 

For a slim crescent moon hanging low over the rooftops while the sky still had a hint of blue. 

Pushy

All week I've been pushing myself to do stuff which has seemed a great effort (even the nice stuff!) so today I've been extremely grateful for trying extremely hard not to! For a considerable amount of success...along with a reasonable amount of useful activity here and there at a suitably leisurely pace. For chatting to Ann on Messenger...and for a little nap. 

I give thanks for making a start on some rearranging in the living room so that though it's still a storage area for kitchen items I don't want to move back into the kitchen (in case there is further progress that requires them moved out) they're not so obvious and in the way. For wearing favourite dress though no one saw it but me. For ordering a new lamp to brighten up a gloomy corner. 

Retiring

I give thanks for treating myself to a Ceridwen's Cauldron for my bath... or baths as I cut them up and make them last. For Lush still selling them as all my other favourite products have been discontinued or reformulated - and not in a good way!

I give thanks for having a bakery and greengrocer around the corner and visiting them both this morning before setting off. This means I don't have to go out this weekend unless I want to, and if I do want to go out I can do something other than shopping.

I give thanks for Paracetamol as I've been out a lot this week and am very achy all over. For some fireworks visible from my sofa so I don't have to get up. For managing to eat some food though I'm not very hungry. For Michelle doing the heavier housework and making my bed with clean linen. For installing the electric blanket first so it will be all cosy and comforting when I retire. 

Weary

I give thanks for a beautiful blue sky day. For deciding, despite being weary and weary of the world, that staying in bed or simply moving to the sofa would be a waste of it, and taking a scenic rural train ride instead. I was even more weary during, and fell so fast asleep when I got back that I couldn't figure out where I was in the week when I awoke, but for a while gazing out at the glorious countryside streaming past the window the world didn't seem so bad. It probably helped that there are few signs of 'civilisation' on the route (except rich folks' rather enviable homes) and that the train was on the empty side.

No one promised me a rose garden but I give thanks I had some lunch in one...well, more of a rose yard really but there were still a few blooms to enjoy, and for the woman serving at the counter kindly carrying my tray outside as I'd never have managed that and the door. I'd read the online menu and there were a couple of items I decided I'd be able to consume without scattering cutlery around or choking...and I gave thanks for finding something else (an allegedly Thai spiced vegan pasty) when they turned out not to be on the irl one. I was grateful the ingredients were listed or I'd never have been able to tell what on earth I was eating!

I give thanks for seeing another station cafe still open along the way and for plans to stop there another time and maybe walk in some of the wonderful woods nearby. It's good to have plans...as long as you're not too attached to them working out the way you imagine. I give thanks for being back on the sofa and on the way to a bath... 

Midnight

I give thanks for a cosy comfy night in my spare room. It's still very messy in there, and full of spare things, but it always feels so snug in the pull out bed and with the lights out you can't see the chaos! Vacating my bedroom for a day or two also makes it easier to get on with the seasonal tasks of turning my mattress, getting the electric blanket out and changing my summer duvet for the autumn one and I'm grateful for taking my time over these chores as my jabbed arm is rather sore. In fact many body parts are rather sore so I give thanks for bath water heating up, and a pan of lentil soup I prepared earlier too. 

I give thanks for how warm it was in the sunshine this afternoon after a very nippy start. For doing some shopping on the way to the unit and, though I was disappointed a city park where I hoped to enjoy some glories of autumn was closed to prepare for a 'winter wonderland', for the crepe stall being open and doing a roaring trade, which I added my custom to!

For plenty of TV to catch up with curled up on the sofa with a  if I can stay awake when I've eaten. I've been bingeing on Netflix's Midnight Mass the last couple of evenings. Very silly but so beautifully filmed, scripted, acted and scored I just couldn't leave it alone. 

Boosted

I give thanks for the good habit I've got into when I've had a bad night and am awake way too early - I get up and cook my tea! For trying an experiment I've been formulating for a few days now to use up odds and ends, and for it tasting great though perhaps a tad too solid for an evening when swallowing's not going well. I give thanks I bought a cream cake earlier - that slipped down just fine! For my complete meal cup-a-soup supplements. One of them went down well too but unfortunately, due to my clumsiness, part of the down was down on the carpet... 

For a pleasant afternoon for my stroll up to the top of town for a booster as everyone calls it, although I'm one of those who get a complete new dose not a top up. Could have done with some kind of booster to get me up the street but, hey ho, eventually my joints creaked into gear and I began to be grateful for the bits between the seats as well as the seats themselves! For the sunshine and clouds, the golden leaves on some of the trees and the beautiful blue of the sea. 

It was, of course, my first experience of the public vaccination process and I was grateful for my taxi driver talking me through his visit to the same venue earlier this week. We figured you wouldn't volunteer to be a marshal unless you liked ordering folk about! 

I give thanks for my sofa and a snuggly quilt as it's chilly, I feel feeble and sore and fit for little but a Netflix binge. 

Dark

Hooray! I felt so much better this morning, which was intrinsically pleasing, and also meant I could catch up with some of the tasks I'd hoped to get done at the weekend. This was both satisfying and sensible as it's getting dark too dark to see at homecoming time now even if I have any energy after treatment. For being home now and still having a little bit left. 

I give thanks for making some phone calls I'd been putting off, and for the people on the end of the line being delightfully helpful and accommodating. For Toolstation saying they'll send me a replacement for the parcel that went astray. 

For seeing a plea on a local Facebook group for a pianist to play at a memory cafe. There's a picture of some of the song sheets and right at the top of the pile is Tambourine Man. The times they are a-changing! 

For finding something new to watch on Netflix. Gripping so far and beautifully filmed but I've just realised it's classed as 'horror' so I might need to hide behind the sofa not lie on it! I may be grateful later that I can hardly see out of my glasses any more... 

Hourly

I give thanks for hearing the fireworks on the Point last, and for hearing they were spectacular. For memories of attending displays in healthier times and for a rocket or two going off within earshot (so I knew to look) and line of sight (so I could enjoy it when I did). For feeling well enough to forage in freezer and fridge for supper. 

Today I've been grateful for continuing to mend, though still weary, wan and achy. For a scenic bus ride to collect some things I'd clicked on including a cardigan made from recycled yarn. Asda be done! For much lounging in the lounge afterwards with some old Columbos, with brief excursions to the craft table and chopping board. For acers in autumn, and for the extra hour! 

Pointless

So many things I thought I might do today, but weariness and pain meant I fell asleep every time I stopped trying. I'm grateful for recuperative rest I must have needed more than achieving rather pointless aims.

I give thanks for beautiful bright sunshine. Some of my aims did have a point, so also for being out in it briefly, though the universe was pointing me in the wrong direction and the effort was not in any way obviously worthwhile for me or anyone else I encountered. For a soothing bath and clean, very curly hair....

For knowing I'll see posts of a favourite local bonfire and fireworks I'll miss, and for knowing other people will be enjoying them from both sides of the river... For knowing local friends will probably get the title double meaning. 

Rough

I give thanks for banter on QI making me laugh out loud, for the glories of the scenery in Shetland and The Long Call making me make little squeaks of pleasure.

For the bouncing waves this morning sending great plumes of spray into the air, for rainbows arching across the showery sky. For a long queue of traffic meaning we took a different route to the unit along various memory lanes from when I lived in the city. 

For individual packets of custard creams and ginger nuts on the tea trolley - a very welcome change from uninspiring digestives and rich tea. 

For the comfort of curling up on the sofa as I feel rather rough tonight. I've even abandoned my tea which is not like me. For my food supplements which will slip down a treat of I feel like something later, and for the weekend starting so I can rest as much as I like. 

Grateful

Mwahahah! I give thanks my mistress plan worked and, after a couple of hours sound sleep last night, I stirred myself in time for bathing and getting ready for bed. Who needs evenings anyway? For lots more sleep after that, and waking as it was getting light which at this time of year, and after the sleep problems I've had this year, felt like a lush lie in! For the vivid dreams I've been having, though some seem rather stressful at the time.

I give thanks for both deliveries I was expecting today informing me of their ETAs early, and for a gap between to wait for the rain to start and hurry to the veg shop when most other folk had already hurried indoors. For the snug feeling of hearing wild weather when one is warm and dry indoors. For the blessing of a home. I feel particularly blessed with this one. Sure, I could think of several (impossible) ways it could be better but it's a roomy, comfortable and relaxing place to be and I've lived in a few that aren't. 

I give thanks making some inroads into some sorting out and reorganisation to counteract the fact the kitchen improvements have stalled again and the knock on effect in other parts of the flat is rather irritating...but also for a lot of lounging about as energy's not been in great supply today. For winning some battles with autocorrect which had some very different ideas about what I should write in this post! 

Domesticated

I give thanks there are people who have people to cook them tea - particularly if they are old or weary or not very well, or possibly all three! For having experienced this occasionally so I can remember the wonderful nurtured feeling of doing something else, or possibly nothing at all, and have someone call 'It's ready!' or just bring you a plate of food. I give thanks for managing almost always to have something ready to be heated up when I come home from treatment, and taking care of myself the best I can. 

I give thanks for a snuggly blanket though the weather is still quite mild. For making a quick flapjack topping for some tinned rhubarb yesterday evening and the comfort of a pudding...two evenings in a row. 

I give thanks for accepting there's no way I'll stay awake until bed time tonight, but some optimism that if I give in to a snooze now I might be conscious again early enough for a bath. For remembering I need to check out my Sainsbury's order - just need to keep remembering long enough to do it before I doze off... 

Half-hearted

Sofa so good! I forget sometimes I'm allowed to stay on it even when capable of upward mobility at a push. I give thanks for not pushing myself much today, though it was tough and go here and there - my drive to achieve can be an attribute to be grateful for but also a curse on occasion. Besides, a number of things I wanted to achieve involved leaving the building and it was way too peoply out there. For mild and sometimes sunny weather helping my washing dry as well as the holidaymakers throng. 

I give thanks for not falling asleep so far despite waking dismally early, and feeling rather dismal for a sizeable chunk of the day. For the real Hermes delivery driver really delivering a package earlier and explaining as he doesn't work Sundays someone who doesn't know the area covers the route. I give thanks the customer service team are allegedly investigating and I think I've raised a query with the company that sent the goods as well, though some confirmation they've received it might confirm it! 

For finding a way to halve the cost of something I want to do but which was going to be rather expensive. This way I can also get my money back if it turns out I can't do it after all which is also rather pleasing. 

Productive

What a difference a night makes - I give thanks for lots of sleep and not waking up at silly o'clock! For forcing myself to stay awake until midnight which helped...and for an amusing Polish film on Netflix making this easier. For a productive (and pleasingly short!) morning. Don't know what they put in my iron infusion on Friday but my waking hours seem to have been mostly unusually bustly and busy. I've been very grateful for the energy and inclination...

For an OK day on the unit ie. being mostly left in peace to snooze, watch downloaded TV and munch my lunch

For a pretty sundown to enjoy on a slow journey home due to traffic. For the supper I prepared yesterday and my bathwater heating up. For no plans to be productive at all tonight...

Calculated

Woke up much too early again but I was grateful for sleeping quite well beforehand and a remarkable amount of get up and go...for a few hours at least! For witnessing the otherworldly orange light all around as sun rise filtered through dark storm clouds.

I give thanks for lots of little jobs crossed off my mental to do list, including cooking tomorrow's tea, various domestic duties and a little light creativity. For popping out for a few essentials from the Co-op using my member offers, and then phoning and emailing attaching a screenshot and a photo of the receipt to claim the missing discount back. I wondered which wonder of first world technology would go awry today as there seems to have been a bit of a run on these annoyances lately! I realise chasing this might seem rather petty and penny pinching, but it's partly a matter of principle and partly the result of years of poverty I guess. I've also been grateful to realise lately that being rather poor for most of my life has kept my carbon footprint down...though probably not enough to offset the effects of requiring so much medical and surgical treatment. In an idle moment with a calculator earlier I worked out I'd been living with cancer for over twenty percent of the total time I've been alive. Not quite sure if I'm grateful for that or not!

Wasted

I give thanks I'm sleeping longer now, if still not quite in the right part of the night. It would be a shame to waste the wide awakeness though, rather early though it is... and I'm grateful this day I didn't! For chores achieved and setting off on a road less travelled to trawl some currently rarely visited shops before (I hoped) the madding half term crowds arrived. For not feeling this was a wasted trip when none of them had what I wanted - apart from Asda which was too busy to stop and shop in - as I enjoyed the scenery and the sights of other people's home and lives from the top deck of the pleasantly empty bus. 

I give thanks you can now recycle empty blister packs from pills...and I will be even more grateful when there are more places to do this. Getting a carrier bag full to a new drop off point was one of my goals today so I was grateful this was ticked off the to do list and I now know how inaccessible it is and not to go there again!

For band of golden light onto the horizon where the cloud over the land this morning gave way to sunshine over the sea. For forgetting about the manic traffic delays due to some road closures or I'd not have gone at all but for still getting home in time for my estimated parcel delivery...and finding stuff to do to stay awake when it didn't arrive and I was ready for a nap and didn't want the entryphone buzzer to make me jump. For being relieved when I received an email to say it had been delivered! Unfortunately there was no sign of it anywhere downstairs in or out and the accompanying photo gives no clues...

Compensatory

Yay, I give thanks for Michelle being back on the heavier duty housework duties again. What a difference that makes! For Mima finding my favourite Co op teabags in a branch other than the one here where they have been out of stock for a while. You can adapt to a lack of lot of groceries but good tea for me is like the right fuel for your car! For her delivering them while I was out as well.

I give thanks for a reasonable amount of sleep though it ended, I thought, rather unreasonably early for the time of year. For reasonable amount of useful things done before I left for treatment...and for giving up on trying to fix being locked out of Facebook during treatment as following the instructions on my phone just took me in an exasperating loop. For sorting this when I got home - and for the 'suspicious' activity on my account just me being me! The ads I get in my newsfeed  aren't too far off the mark but clearly their algorithms haven't quite got me sussed out... For managing to fix my mardy TV box when I got home as well, and for a handy snack to have with the big pill, little pills before I sort out supper. Now the temperature is dropping I need lots and lots of food! For the weekend starting here...and all manner of distractions and compensations to help me deal with difficult stuff going on in my body and mind.

Contrasting

I was grateful the acupuncture left me feeling so mellow, and with a weary achy  body as well it would have been a damn fine day to do nothing at all...but as that wasn't to be I give thanks it was a damn fine day anyway! For trying to take unavoidable  things as gently as I could. For warm sunshine streaming in through my windows despite a chilly breeze outside, for the contrast to last night's torrential rain and for the golden sky in the early evening. 

I give thanks for Julie coming round to help with some jobs a bit beyond my current strength and skill, eat cake, gossip and natter, and generally buck me up a bit. For my slow cooker sorting out some supper while I'm off to soak in the bath. For a good book to read while I wallow...ooh and for remembering some new secondhand ones arrived today! 

Punctured

I give thanks for an OK day at the office, with some trials overcome and a chance to practice patience. For a nattering with one of the nurses whose company I enjoy, but I've not seen to talk to for a while. 

For whooshing through the giant roadside puddles on the way home and the sound of heavy rain when you are snug and dry indoors. For Rachel being here before me, with my pre-made curry heating up and the kettle on. For a good catch up chat, shared supper and a restorative acupuncture session. 

For being on my sofa...and more or less still awake, though definitely in an altered state of consciousness!  For nonetheless  remembering, and managing to write a blog post...

Pleasing

I give thanks for having an unusually pleasing day! Sometimes it seems as if the universe is conspiring against you but the last few hours it must have been conspiring against someone else instead! 

For waking early but after a reasonable length sleep, and up for cooking butter bean curry for tomorrow's supper and Quorn chicken, leek and broccoli pie for tonight. I didn't make the pastry, but I sure did make a lot of washing up so I give thanks for making some headway with that too! 

For happy phone triage - liver enzymes going down so steroids can go down a bit too - plus another call from the hospital about my urgent need for more vaccine. I'd been getting twitchy about this as if you ring the GP you are told to wait until they contact you and the main jab centre is about as far the other side of the city as I am here, but armed with the magic of my many comorbidities I have secured an appointment at the local hospital in two weeks' time. 

For my Amazon order arriving while I was in the building but not in the bathroom! 

For fixing Netflix which had stopped working on my TV, and time for a bit of a potter with mosaic bits before a taxi to Jo's for afternoon tea with her and Liz. For a very enjoyable time with plenty of laughter, commiseration and good (bad) things to eat!  For Jo's hospitality - including boxes of excess treats to take with us and a(nother) lovely present from Liz. 

For feeling up to walking home - it helped my back stop hurting and made my knees ache instead, but the mizzly drizzle was refreshing and waves thumping and spraying against the newer sections of sea wall exhilarating. For arriving just as the rain started taking itself seriously, and just as the cafe next door was closing so I could ask the staff for some info not available online like their phone number and whether they do takeaways. They do, and that could be handy for tea one day when there's not one I made earlier... 

Foul

Last night the weather report for today was foul so I'm grateful when I went out this morning there was just a little drizzle and breeze. 

For a long line of geese on the bank of the brook all with with their heads tucked under a wing, and for four little ducklings preening themselves under the warming bulb in the  aviary.

For a day of such smooth efficiency on the unit - and nothing untoward occurring to break the spell - that patients were whisked in and out with unprecedented speed and staff were able to catch up with all sorts of other tasks as well. It made for such a pleasant atmosphere!

For the mist coming down from the higher ground and stormy glowering clouds in unhealthy shades this evening, but avoiding getting wet again though apparently it was raining most of the afternoon. 

For leftovers from my packed lunch to have to take my meds, and for supper ready cooked and ready to be heated up when I am ready myself. For being able to curl up in the meantime with a blanket and my aches and pains and weariness. 

Outdoor

Gosh, I seem to have been on the go almost non stop today...so for starters I give thanks for that, and also for not really noticing until several active hours had passed which is a pretty good sign one is in a relatively good state of health! Yesterday I was such a feeble weeble, and it's so hard to tell from one hour to the next, let alone a whole day what state I will be in, but as long as there's still some times of feeling fairly well then I am truly grateful. 

I give thanks for abandoning the indoor busyness to eat some lunch in the park, and then meet Mima for a cuppa when she came to deliver my possessions that has travelled back in her car after our time away. For the 30 mins free car park having a free space for her car, and for the nearest cafe having a free table for two outside in the still wonderfully warm sunshine. For the waitress perfectly timing delivery of the pot of tea and toasted tea cake I'd ordered in time for her arrival...and for being astonished by how reasonably priced they were. I actually got them to check they'd not made a mistake, but they hadn't! 

I give thanks for resigning myself to the fact that after resigning myself many times to fact that it is the 'last day of summer', this time is the actually is. All the weather sites show rainy cool days from now on but it's past the middle of October with only a handful of those so far so we sun lovers have no cause to complain...and I give thanks for all the extra outdoor time I've had. Even without a pandemic outdoor time is always a my favourite - as long as I'm not freezing cold or soaking wet! 

Pretty

I give thanks last night I pretty much stayed awake until pretty much bed time and for pretty much sleeping until getting up time too. Simple pleasures eh?

For the bright start to the morning before pretty mistiness rolled in, and turned quite dark, until golden sunlight melted it away for most of the day. For a bright start myself although that also soon disappeared. For doing a pretty good job of reminding myself at intervals during inactivity that there's no need to provide a list of achievements - not even inside one's own head. 

For using the energy and inclination I did have wisely - making a pan of savoury soya mince and veg plus a wholesome desert of apricots with a sort of flapjack topping. For keeping on top of the washing up as well, and potting up my poor cramped lettuce seedlings though the mess I made doing that will have to stay messy for now!

I give thanks I've had my flu jab, and so far haven't bleated, though I could probably do with a shear! For a timely Tesco delivery and for managing to make room in the freezer for the substitute larger box of fish fingers sent when the smaller ones were out of stock. 

Loving

I love that I can still go away away from home now and then...and also that I love the home I come back to! I've lived in some places/situations where you inwardly groan on your return so I know this is not to be sniffed at. 

For feeling well and strong this morning, and for warning myself that would probably mean I came away from treatment like a limp biscuit. Turned out to I was correct in my evaluation. Damn, there's times I really would rather be wrong! For recovering gradually...and for Paracetamol for the aches and pains I seem to have gathered along the way. 

For discovering some new seasons starting of programmes I've enjoyed of old on both terrestrial and streaming TV - just what is required as the darkness of night begins to eat into the day. And talking of eating - I give thanks for some easy supper heating up. 

Modish

I give thanks for trains and boats and cars - some favourite modes of transport. For the luxury of being driven around to scenic places, and for at least one person in the car knowing where to go to find them! For being able to manage short walks in between. For station lifts when changing platforms...and the plans to install one here. 

For another boat trip, this time to a long road free spit of sand where the beach huts cost up to £450,000 to buy but the uninspiring looking cafe served surprisingly cheap and tasty food with a variety of vegetarian/vegan options - quite a rarity in this part of the country it seems. It was a lovely spot, almost like being abroad...or in the Isles of Scilly at least. 

For diamonds of dew on the grass and spiders' webs in the chilly morning, the whistle and squeak of the cheeky starlings, and the iridescence under their spots. For more absurdly non autumnal warmth as the day wore on. I know I should be concerned about climate change, and I am, but paddling and eating ice-cream on a mid October mini break is such a glorious bonus!

Birdlike

I like birds so I've been grateful today to see several kinds, some of which I can actually (more or less) name. There were geese and wading birds in the wetlands, where we went on a shallow bottomed boat ride. For the smaller ones seeming to walk on the water, greedy egrets gobbling multiple mouthfuls of something small and ill fated as they trotted along and small birds of prey hovering over the grasses looking for their next meal. For the very attractive accent and steering skills of the boatman at low tide, and the views from the castle which was our destination. 

I give thanks for Pam and Mima having been to, and enjoyed, a cafe before I arrived so we went there again and had a delicious lunch

...and later... yummy Dorset apple cake and clotted cream. For spotting a group of starlings gathering in the sky around us, I thought, for a little murmuration practice. What they were really doing however was getting ready to help clear the tables. How much prettier and daintier than a seagull invasion! I even got one to take some cake from my hand which is wrong for many reasons I know but which felt magical nonetheless. For finding a sweetly fragranced lupin like plant growing on the cliffs, and remembering the scented bush (viburnum?) I came across yesterday. 

For Lynn feeling better today... Hang in there girl, I'd love to see you one more time. 

Jaunty

I give thanks for a bit of a jaunt...it's been a while, and though the joints have been complaining profusely there's been plenty to please other body parts.

For a scenic train journey with long late morning shadows and wispy most clinging to woods and hilltops...a picnic lunch in the summer warm sunshine... a scenic and, for me, energetic coastal stroll... a bubble in the hot tub and a tasty takeaway Thai veggie curry for tea. For good company and being invited! 

Hot

I give thanks as far as I can tell it's been another glorious October day, in between the parts of it I got to see with my own eyes. For the golden sunsets, wispy clouds and brightening crescent moon in the darkening sky. For feeling quite bright myself this morning though dialysis has left me tired and aching in way too many places. For Paracetamol on the agenda when I next get up and move around, plus a hot water bottle before a hot bath...

For a spicy beanburger in the oven for my supper... 

Summary

I give thanks for... 

The fabulously warm and sunny weather 

More energy after even more sleep...and a quick nap when I used it up! 

A late lunch sandwich on the beach in a summer dress...

Custard cream ice-cream to have with some rhubarb for dessert

The beach and the ice cream shop both being just a few yards away! 

Nabbing a flu jab appointment nearby and soon via the Boots booking site

Reflections... 

Comforting

I give thanks for hazy warm autumn sunshine today. To begin with I was quite disappointed I didn't have the energy to go out and enjoy it until I saw how many other people were doing so nearby! Then I was rather grateful... Not in the mood for people today! 

I give thanks for lots of sleep last night, and for lots of rest today. Didn't quite manage to do nothing at all but keeping up with cooking, washing up and laundry chores is no bad thing if they can be managed without too much discomfort. And I did produce a pot of tasty stew in the process - very nourishing and comforting with chunks of buttered rye boule so very grateful for that.

Apologetic

I give thanks for being home on my sofa on a murky Friday night. For the bit this morning when I thought all my chores were done and I could play with my crafty things...and for managing to do the most essential of my home help's chores instead when she messaged most apologetically that she couldn't come. It's been a while since I've hung up washed bedding from the machine or replaced it with clean stuff, and though I can, I can see why I've chosen to pay someone else to instead. Most exhausting! I was extremely grateful although she couldn't clean today she offered to pick up and deliver a heavy prescription of my food supplement desserts. Very thoughtful and kind...and necessary as they slip down my swollen throat a treat!

I give thanks for a weekend of resting planned as I'm so sore and tired after many busy days in a row, and must try to relax and recuperate. For plenty of food, books and paracetamol in stock to assist with this mission, and lots to watch on Netflix and terrestrial TV or listen to on Audible. What precious first world blessings! 

Squishy

I give thanks for the gap between being squished on the sofa by fatigue and pain yesterday evening and then again this afternoon, as in this blessed remission I had a reasonable night's sleep and managed an earlyish start to go and meet Gary on another remarkably pleasant autumn day. For the delight of a road less travelled - and a scenic railway line before that. For a nice breakfast when I could manage to eat it - still having a lot of trouble swallowing sometimes and I'm very grateful when it passes. 

For the good friends I've made since moving to this beautiful part of the world, and all the beautiful spots there are to spend time in with them. For the sight and sounds of the sea and the steam train. For spotting a lustrous black cat stalking through long grass and a grey striped tiger (stuffed? concrete? fibreglass?) on a flat roof between some buildings...there are advantages to not driving a car!

For online grocery shopping and for having room in the freezer to squish in a couple of items I thought would keep in the fridge but which were too short dated for that. I'm not complaining - a full freezer is a wonderful thing when your strength and mobility is erratic, and especially in these times of erratic product supply!

Leftover

I give thanks for being home on the early side after being connected to the machine very swiftly after arrival at the unit and then disconnected a few minutes before my allotted treatment time was up as someone was ready, willing, able...and somewhat keen as they could move on the next patient!). I didn't need asking twice...

For feeling a bit brighter than I did this morning after another poor night's sleep, though weary to the bone. For finding my misplaced keys after looking methodically after I got home instead of dashing around madly like I did before I left! 

For leftovers for my tea so no need to cook first thing or now. For glucosamine complex gel to put on my sore bits after a bath. For the water heating up and a plan to get in it before I fall asleep this time...For the room heating up too after a blast from the electric radiator on an expectedly murky evening. 

Vintage

Dozed off on the sofa last night before I could immerse and woke up feeling so sore and poorly it was a struggle getting to bed, but I'm grateful for sleeping far longer than I have done for a long time...and, in one of the waking up bits, hearing the raging tempest outside. Goodness me it was loud! 

For a good day today - physically feeling strong and well and for the psychological delight of hearing the elevated liver enzyme that has been causing consternation has subsided to such a degree that the specialist nurse on my case agreed I should lower the steroid dose a little more instead of me having to argue about it. 

For a quick trip to my favourite local town with Mima for a recce of flooring for the kitchen...and while I was doing this for my new worktop being delivered to Clive's workplace ready for cutting and delivering to me! So exciting! For the seeing the sea looking so beautiful from the top deck of the bus that I was inspired to use some of the day's unexpected energy to go for a little walk in the bright blusteryness when I got back to admire it some more. Had to go rather further than I intended to avoid pesky humans but though my knees weren't keen the rest of me was delighted. I was very grateful I wasn't far from a bus stop to get back!

For searching through my vintage cassette collection for Penguin Cafe Orchestra and finding The Cocteau Twins instead. Wow, I'd forgotten what ear candy their album Treasure is!

Immersive

How nice to be home and on my sofa with a quick dinner in the oven after a delayed departure from the unit and before a band of forecast torrential rain closes in. For making a slower meal this morning for tomorrow night - a curry with proper pounded seeds maturing in the fridge - and also stewing some pears with sweet spices for desserts. For the immersion heater on for the rather large pile of washing up plus a bath. Yes, instant hot water would be nice but as long as the old fashioned way is working I'm not complaining at all. For working out why the shower wasn't earlier, a switch in the fuse box had become unflipped!

For making various arrangements with various folk for the coming days before various messenging platforms went down. For the irony of also sending a bon voyage to someone going away for a few days who abstains from social media when she does... For a selection of gripping looking books and TV programs to keep me entertained... which one shall I choose next?