Dreaming

 I give thanks for my wondrous dreams, so full of detailed sensual pleasures. It was a shock when I awoke this morning to see the hospital curtain beside the bed instead of the Mediterranean island I was exploring, and the beep of call bells or drip machines instead of the live music I was enjoying at a wooden tabled Ramblas bar. 

For the young housekeeper singing the Everly Brothers' Dream as he swept around my bed. It's one of my all time favourites and we sang a few bars together in harmony. What a treat!

For trying to be understanding and patient when other patients, staff or the faults in the system begin to infuriate me, or when doctors and specialist nurses treat me with excessive delicacy regarding oncological matters, as if I might not have noticed or be in denial about the cancer. For the very vocal and demanding lady across the way who helps me to remember by not naturally being so inclined!

For a few chunks of tinned pineapple Charlotte  brought in going down like  a dream yesterday. I must see if I can get someone to bring a little food box with some more so seconds can be saved in the fridge.

For accepting a nasal feeding tube to try to build me up, and the  irony of going through the horrible process of insertion only to have to wait for hours for them to find a pump to administer the nutrition. See above... 

Weathered

I give thanks for having a little more of an appetite again. Still can't keep the food down but it's nice to enjoy a few mouthfuls first. For the sight and sensation of sunshine through the corridor windows on the way to another department and back. Good to get a break away from the loud sounds and smells of the ward too. 

 For Julie driving through the rain to deliver supplies and clean clothing and take away the smelliest ones to wash. For Charlotte cycling through the rain to bring fizzy water and pineapple. For the bits when I manage to get some sleep between the various kerfuffle going on. There are some rather impatient patients on the ward now. For the nursing staff doing their best, and for my consultant bringing me a photo of the vegan option mushroom Wellington at the Christmas Dinner. Home made pastry too! For the warm feeling of thinking of people having happy family times 

Sad

 I give thanks for kind words and deeds, and poignant memories. For nurse Charlotte from the kidney unit coming to visit me and share her exploits Christmas dipping in the Dart with her other half. She has an endearing way of describing her adventures which makes me feel I was there and not just wishing I had been. For lovely messages from Steph and from Lynn's partner Derek, who I have never met but who had such thoughtful things to say. For my sadness at her passing being ameliorated by the knowledge she was at home with the man she loved and not suffering at the end. Still grieving though...

For lots and lots of sleeping 

Anticipated

 I give thanks for the thought of people waking up anticipating a special day. 

I give thanks for sound of the nursing staff laughing together. For the sound of the wind and rain outside. For the tinkle of the tea trolley like jingle bells. For the thoughtful wrapped gifts of toiletries they gave all the patients, although with my new line I can't shower unless I have a protective cover and they've none of those on the ward. Humph! 

For remarkably good food and drinks on offer although I still can't keep anything down for long. For lots of naps despite the various noises. For a lovely young female doctor and a rather alternative nurse I've met before. We share a passion for fizzy water. God how I'd love some of that to sip right now - the stuff that comes out of hospital is not helping with the nausea at all

Distracted

I've been on my own for loads of Christmases, on my own and ill for quite a few. I've had outpatients treatment on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day but being a patient in hospital over the season is a new experience for me. So grateful it's a ward where I feel relatively at home, and that I had no festive plans! 

For the kindness of the staff in trying to accommodate the seasonal 

emotional needs of poorly people with partners and loved ones...along with Covid compliant precautions. One lady is being moved to a side room so her adult children  and disabled husband can all visit at once. I have to make do with some joking with the consultant on her rounds but that's still welcome. I give thanks for the no nonsense but gentle way she breaks bad mews, and for her passing on the message that the renal unit team have been ringing to wish me well. I give thanks on the whole the workers seem to have been having an enjoyable day, exchanging gifts and so on, even if sometimes this means their jolly makes them rather rowdy and distracted!

For a mid-line averting a crisis when even the vascular wizards failed to get a cannula into my elfin veins. 

Hospialised

Several people have remarked I must have been ill to agree to being admitted, so I actually give thanks I was so unwell at the time an ambulance was the only way I could leave the building, and getting to that was challenge enough. I give thanks for feeling better for IV anti emetics, glucose and saline though the usual numerous failed attempts at inserting cannula ae? are so painful.

I give thanks after a very diaturbed night on AMU including 

 snoring I've be never heard the ike of - more like walruses than the ubiquitous little old lady - I've been moved to one of the renal wards I've been on before where I know severeal of the staff and vice versa which helps, along with my own night and wash things very kindly delivered by Jo, Keith and Michelle. For a gastrocopy booked for tomorrow and we'll take it from there. I have optimistically filled in the special menu sheets for the next few days as the renal consultant says if my throat is mended my potassium is so low I can have all the naughty stuff on offer. 

Turning

I give thanks for Sandra in the endoscopy appointments office. She has been so helpful and accommodating of the complications of my particular circumstances and we finally came up with a plan B for my procedure to take place next Thursday afternoon. I give thanks for Julie who gave the thumbs up to collecting me afterwards as I expect I'll feel a little (more) battle weary. For her coming this afternoon popping to the shops, doing some domestic chores and cheering me up with our usual rambling chatter during which she realised she could also take me to the appointment too as her work day ends in time. Oh you don't want to be hanging round I said... Oh I don't know she replied, I can always go to Waitrose. Fair enough! It's always much nicer being with a friend isn't it?

I give thanks for almost finishing clearing out the festering food in the fridge. It's quite a battle convincing myself throwing it way is unavoidable at the moment and I shouldn't feel guilty. I'm very grateful we have a kerbside food waste collection and that it's put to good use anyway.

I give thanks I have been given some Christmas presents. I've been a bit lax this year (once again I think I'm excused but I'm so grateful I managed to give a few as well. For Julie being able to raid my mosaic stash box for some last minute gifts too - unless she keeps them lol. No greater praise than that really is there? I love it when people appreciate my work.

I give thanks it's the Winter Solstice and for the turning of the year. For remembering clapping in corners and resolving to do some soon, maybe after turning over for a quick pre bedtime nap! 

Advisory

Oh gosh I'm meant to be grateful aren't I? Umm...

I give thanks I managed not to be sick until I got home. It's never nice but it's nicer in your own bathroom. For eventually thawing out on the sofa - my substitute driver never asks if I'm warm enough and I don't like to say I'm not. For  an old Midsomer Murders to entertain me during this lengthy process... and for falling fast asleep, as I didn't do that on the unit either. For the dietician visiting me during treatment and advising trying to eat something every hour to get my weight back up. I'm sure this would be more helpful if my body didn't keep rejecting whatever I put in...

In some ways I'm grateful tomorrow's  gastroscopy has been postponed as I feel so weak and wobbly, but it's also a shame as I'd have been a step nearer finding out what's going on, and if anything can be done to stop it.

For easterly wind whipped seas. For my beloved sofa. 

Companionable

Well the shop trip fell by the wayside as I didn't fancy doing so myself! Hey ho, I give thanks there was nothing urgent on my list. The tree didn't get baubled either but I managed to change my stoma bag and wash and detangle my neglected nest of hair. Unremarkable maybe but still worthy of a mental round of applause. 

I give thanks after sleeping a lot of the morning I managed to stay awake this afternoon and sit up and watch some TV. For this year's rather different Real Full Monty. Always brings up a LOT of stuff for me as you can imagine but this year Christine explaining some of the difficulties women with autism hide had me in tears too. Don't assume people who don't make eye contact are shifty or cold, for some of us it's almost like an electric shock. 

I give thanks for some virtual communication over the last couple of days, I appreciate a bit of 'talk'. For my oldest friend (in terms of years) saying she hoped I was having some company. Well, anyone who came round here would receive no hospitality and would be given a list of chores so best not, but I give thanks she is not left alone, bless her. 

Mammoth

I give thanks for the day in bed I've been promising myself for a while. Might not sound very festive or fun, but festive and fun is beyond me right now and when you've not been eating for a while it's a good way to conserve energy and slow weight loss. Also I'm aching and exhausted and so the rest is welcome plus it's cold so it saves on heating bills. And that reminds me I give thanks the Warm Home Discount has been applied to my account even though my energy company has gone bust. 

I give thanks for beds, mattresses, pillows, coverings and cosiness as required. Easy to take such luxuries for granted. For as many little naps today as my body has required. For Miriam Margolyes reading her autobiography to me and Sandi Toksvig writing one laced with history and the experiences of bus journeys for me to read to myself. 

I set myself one task beyond fulfilling my basic needs - finding lights and batteries for my mini 'mistletoe' Christmas tree, plus putting them on of course, and I give thanks that I succeeded. Tomorrow baubles maybe... but I'm also hoping to get dressed and get to the shop which is going to be a mammoth undertaking, and there's a lot of uneaten smelly food in the fridge to be disposed of so who knows what will be. 

Moonlit

Wow, that's some serious moonlight out there tonight! For it brightening up a journey home in a less comfortable car and with a less convivial driver than usual - so pretty behind the silhouettes of trees. I give thanks my regular driver and his daughters are taking a mini break in a rather pleasant city not too away - they certainly deserve it. Also for a couple of weeks annual leave for Peggy, a single HCA just a little bit my senior. She has a better bedside manner than many of the other staff (including the ones with much darker uniforms) and has been particularly thoughtful since I've been poorly. 

For a sleep on the sofa when I got indoors. Felt in need of that since I woke up this morning! For vivid if rather unrealistic dreams - last night I was at a party which was most enjoyable, and then was successfully eating food at home...likewise! For Michelle giving the place a good clean and changing my bedding too. She even offered to put my deckies up for me as I've still not managed it, but I'd rather choose what goes where myself...even if it doesn't get there! 

Low

Oh the joy of waking up and realising it's not a hospital day! I'm grateful for all the NHS try to do for me, but my goodness it wears me out! Feeling extra weak and low in every today I've particularly appreciated the opportunity to take a lot of it lying down! 

For Repair Shop at Christmas, that was sweet and the skills and charm of the repairers are always impressive. 

For finally getting the obsolete Economy 7 wiring removed, one switch removed and two turned into sockets to minimise trailing extension leads. I must've been asking the wring people at first as they kept ignoring me, and when I got the right one he had a very very long work list. I'm grateful he was well worth waiting for in terms of quality of work, price charged, helpfulness and congeniality. It's not easy having strangers in your home especially when you're feeling poorly but heads me feel at home if you know what I mean.

I give thanks for the lower brook lights being on. I've seen Oxford Street and Singapore (not recently obviously) but a few coloured  bulbs reflected in dark water outside my flat windows is delightful enough for me these days and elicits little squeaks of pleasure.

I give thanks though I've felt crap I've not felt it's been a crap day. The trick is not to set your expectations too high.

Positive

I give thanks for feeling a little tidgy widgy bit better today. For the kindness of nurses and HCAs on the unit. For an appointment next week for a gastroscopy and for the very helpful member of staff in that department who helped me arrange it. For Julie saying she'll make herself available to pick me afterwards as my taxi driver is away on a much needed break and even if I don't have the sedative I don't think I'll be up to the bus. 

I give thanks for all the positive self talk I indulge in so, between all that horizontal procrastination, when I do actually move around a little and try to get a few small jobs done, I praise, encourage and congratulate myself profusely. For plenty of horizontal procrastination since I arrived home. Best thing for extreme exhaustion...well, pretty much the only thing for extreme exhaustion really! 

Procrastinating

I give thanks for perseverance, though the thing I've been persevering with most today is my need for rest and restorative sleep so it's not been too hard a task! I really am becoming remarkably good at spending time thinking about doing things rather than actually doing them... 

I give thanks for spending extra hours in bed in both the morning and the afternoon - cheaply cosy on a winter's day. For finally being signed off immunotherapy phone triage though they'll be stealthily monitoring my blood test results for some time to come I'm sure. For managing some morsels of food, and most of them staying down. For a good book, a sofa and TV. 

Inadmissible

I give thanks for making it to the unit and making it home again. There was a time when I thought I might expire in less than ideal circumstances, and another where I was given the option of an inpatient bed. If things don't improve sharpish I may have to take that option but I'd prefer to avoid it if at all possible obviously. 

I wasn't at all grateful about having to go in early for routine renal appointments but I told myself it would be worth it to spend some quality time with the dietician and consultant and they were both very supportive and helpful and kind, the consultant prescribing a new course of antibiotics, going over to the main hospital to collect and deliver them and arranging a slightly earlier treatment slot so I didn't have to wait around too long. For the nursing staff doing their best to make things bearable for me and likewise my taxi driver.

I give thanks I managed to fill a hot water bottle before collapsing on the sofa and falling fast asleep. For a rich fantasy life in which someone is at hand to bring me a chamomile tea and cream cracker to try and an old washing up bowl if they fail. For knowing eventually I'll get them myself as mastering ingestion is crucial to maintaining my outpatient status. 

Neglected

I give thanks for bedside lighting when night time physical pain or stressful thoughts need some respite from the dark. For starting the sat feeling relatively OK despite increasing signs the infection I was prescribed antibiotics for is taking hold again, eventually managing to get dressed and wobble to the Co op and veg shop - just in case I start  eating properly again. At the moment, as the bug gets settled in, even water's not staying put! I give thanks a bonus of this is I've been  able to stay on top of the washing up, despite mostly lying down with the to do list in my head lying crumpled and neglected too. 

I give thanks for a number of Police related programmes last night - the sort with tunes not truncheons! Ah the happy nostalgia of the early hits, but also I was surprised and grateful for a selection of pieces from The Last Ship - a work that completely passed me by but which proved to be in turns moving informative and joyous with very talented musicians and singers including, rather unreasonably surprisingly, Jimmy Nail. 

Still

I give thanks for Banksy. For water tanks. For a still, grey Saturday for staying mostly still in bed, in the bath and on the sofa. Though eating is such a struggle, and consequently I have hardly any energy to do even the simplest things I'd like to get done, I give thanks enjoying books and films and TV still means my life still has some quality. 

I give thanks that Julie took some little packages to the PO for me yesterday, one has arrived already and the recipient is pleased. 

Cautious

I give thanks for rediscovering the knack of making soup from what's to hand. Last night's was originally chickpea and roast cauliflower (with onion, celery and garlic) but there were far more chickpeas than anything else so I added some barley for bulk and some frozen spinach I'd forgotten about. Hint of spice, liquidise (yep, I give thanks for that fabulous tool) and it tasted so good that even though I felt I couldn't eat anything a few spoonfuls went down a treat. 

Tonight I give thanks for managing a couple of crackers with cheese though didn't do well with the soup. As long as I'm eating something eh?  For snoozing during treatment while Miriam Margolyes read to me..and gradually thawing out on the sofa with a hot water bottle and my coat still on now I'm home. For Peter the taxi driver giving me my Christmas present (a poinsettia) early in case it  died before the day - better than giving it me early in case I do! He also took me to see some festive lights on the way home - always appreciated, and what a kind thought! 

Enchanting

I give thanks for Imee Ooi very pleasantly drowning out the constant conversation from the pair behind me on the bus. For beautiful patterns of cloud across the sky. For the sight of decorations in the windows of houses we passed, and the polar bear and cub in twinkly lights outside the main entrance to the hospital which always reminds me of last year when Julie came to pick me up after an inpatient stay and her car wouldn't start to get us home!

I give thanks for the procedure being far less traumatic and invasive than I had fearfully anticipated and the department staff being so reassuring and kind. For treating myself to the warmth and speed of a taxi home. For Julie collecting and delivering a Tesco order I'd clicked and for her being as enthusiastic about the cactus vase I bought her for her birthday as I hoped she'd be. For catch up and laughter and a couple of little jobs done for me

I give thanks there's just one dialysis day and then it's the weekend.

Cosy

Goodness me I'm tired this evening, however I'm very grateful it's because I've been busy with more than lying on the sofa watching TV and playing games on my tablet. For my eating being on the whole better the last couple of days, though I say that  with trepidation in case my digestive system changes its mind!

Despite my attempts at productivity (with varying degrees of success) I give thanks thanks for the sense of relaxation that comes from an unscheduled dialysis free day. The literature describes treatment as 'burdensome' and that's certainly an apt word to use. For an afternoon nap and, after the initial fright when I woke and thought I'd overslept and missed the bus to tomorrow's appointment, for realising I was just dozy and confused. 

When I'm at home I frequently give thanks for the revamped corner of my lounge. It's what I see from the settee when I'm not looking at the TV and it gives me such a cosy homely feeling. For finally hanging up the door curtain that was previously concealing the shelves housing kitchen overflow in that spot. That too provides some cosiness now it's over the entrance door. 

Recurring

By the power of...no, not Grayskull but Werther's!! I give thanks the storm abated and I made it there and back to collect my new glasses in rather pleasant weather. What a joy it is to be able to see properly again...I'm deeply grateful to the NHS for paying a hefty contribution to this and for the little burst of energy those little sweeties and there 23.333 calories give. I even managed to buy a Christmas prezzie and  a piece of Christmas cake for me. Yeah right I'm so going to be able to eat that but it's the thought that counts and I think about eating real munchy crunchy food a lot! I give thanks for partaking of a scrambled egg and a few Frazzles instead. They quickly dissolve so you've something to get your teeth but there's nothing to actually swallow!

I give thanks for a rather elderly lady tackling a much younger man on the bus about his naked face. He seemed unperturbed, didn't give a reason or excuse so I was also grateful she just said 'Oh well it takes all sorts doesn' t it?' and let it go.

I give thanks for leaving a message at the unit saying I'm not going in tomorrow and the lovely Matron Mel leaving me such a kind and understanding message in return. I'm saving myself for the delights of a barium swallow on Thursday which is more likely to be a barium regurgitation  methinks! 

Uninspiring

 Gosh is that the time? I give thanks for coming home early from the unit and spending my extra leisure time curled up on the settee. For being looked after very well when I was rather unwell - dialysis can be harsh on the body if you've not eaten and drink enough for treatment to be actually necessary.

I give thanks for the helpfulness of my taxi driver. For the comfort of a hot water bottle to cosy up to. For the brainwave that was asking Michelle to get Werther's butter candies. They help with nausea and give me a few calories without the challenge of eating. For not having any Christmas socialising to forgo, nor tasty treats as most of those aren't allowed anyway.

I give thanks for novels that start out uninspiring but become page turners with further reading - so much better than the other way round! Ooh I think I might go and read one in the bath! 

Unsolved

I give thanks for all the festive events going on around now. I hope people are having fun and being careful! It must be very welcome to mingle a little after last year. I give thanks there are folk who feel fit and well or who at least have fit and well people to help them take care of themselves. 

I give thanks for waking late after a difficult night and the relief of it being a Sunday so I could stir myself very slowly. For doing some useful things in instalments in between lots of resting, even making it outdoors briefly to get some odds and ends. One good thing about not eating much is you don't need much in the way of shopping! Still a mystery how I manage to continue to create so much washing up though... 

Frontal

I give thanks one can read the front pages of newspapers online avoiding having to buy the pesky things or go to a shop to peruse the stand. The headlines don't interest me much (though the different spins can be amusing) but I'm fascinated by the teasers at the top and side telling you someone you've never heard is giving tips about something that doesn't matter, or there's recipes using venison leftovers in your Aga or simply suggestions for more stuff you could buy! I love to tut and shake my head over them! 

I give thanks though I thought I'd stay in bed eventually I made it to the sofa. For vintage detective shows on ITV3, one set in even more vintage times with Fred Perry at Roland Garros! For experimenting with things I might be able to eat. For those Frazzles bacon snacks working well as they dissolve away to almost nothing on your tongue. For a bit of slow motion cooking too with not quite dead vegetables from the fridge. Will see how that progresses tomorrow. 

I give thanks my normal face has reappeared now the steroid bloating. What  relief it is to see someone I recognise in the mirror! 

Capable

I give thanks for a bowl of not homemade soup and a snooze on the sofa soon after I got home. For people just doing their job but managing to act as if they actually care about me. This is particularly precious right now when I'm finding it quite exhausting taking care of myself... For Michelle trawling the local shops for Werther's to suck when I can't manage to eat, Rob the ex matron and I making each other laugh at the end of my treatment and Charlotte, who spent some time arranging for me and the antibiotics to finally get together on Wednesday, coming to check that in fact we had. 

For the weekend ahead to rest and recuperate after a much busier few days than I felt capable of managing. For an appointment for further investigations next week (already!). I'll worry about that nearer the time. 

 give thanks for a text conversation with Jan last night leading to me remembering the delights of Edward II playing in Mid Wales in the 80s plus numerous other gigs, parties and festivals I enjoyed there. I'd almost forgotten that once I had a life...and spent quite a lot of it dancing!

For my bed made for me with clean linen and my bathwater waiting to soothe my aches and pains. 

Procedural

I give thanks for getting the tourist seat* 

on the bus to my procedure. For dappled patches of cloud racing across the bright blue skies and reflections on the water. For my humour diffusing some of the tension when I was seen and even more for it being over and Peter my taxi driver there to pick me up as I walked out of the hospital doors. I give thanks everything looked fine and from now on the only things I hope to have up my nose are delicious fragrances! Damn, I just remembered Covid and MRSA swabs... 

I give thanks that research has shown I'm not in the least odd or unique in having tiny ear movement in response to sound in some situations. It still seems to be pretty rare to actually be aware of it happening but you can all stop calling me a freak now OK? 

 https://elifesciences.org/articles/54536

*top deck front right

Canine

I give thanks for much helpfulness today - the HCA also currently suffering a urinary infection (and thus particularly aware of the urgency) phoning the lab about the results they'd supplied that didn't make sense, then a nurse phoning a doctor for a prescription...and then phoning the main hospital pharmacy to ask them to take the pills to the main hospital renal unit before they (the pharmacy) shut for the day as I wouldn't be able to get there in time after treatment. For the taxi driver taking me on a detour to pick them up. So pleased to be getting treatment at last for one set of symptoms, just got to try to stay awake to take the first one late as they are the 8 he variety. Or wake up at a suitable time to take them - all this bodily malfunction is very wearying

I give thanks for managing a cup a soup and some ice cream for tea - a huge meal by current standards and one (if it stays down) that might help slow my weight loss which is getting rather scary and leaving me so weak, wan....and c-c-cold. I give thanks for beginning to thaw out under a quilt with my coat still on and hood still up and a hot water bottle to cwtch up with. For my new specs being ready to pick up too, that should sort out a few other problems when I can get there. Tomorrow I have to go the other way though for something else at the hospital that fills me with dread but has to be done. I'll be walking down the corridor a bit like a dog on the way to the vets or for a bath - so slowly I'm almost in reverse. I give thanks the analogy makes me smile...and that I go to my bath most willingly!