Why try harder

There's been lots of potential frustration this week - compound fractures of function where the ways you try to fix the thing that isn't working end up causing yet more problems. I try not to share my exasperation here or elsewhere because it always seems to me there's plenty enough folk in the world grumbling about this and that and encouraging others to join them. Sometimes it's just stuff being stuff and it's important not to take it too personally and where people behaving badly are involved I always try to feel sorry for them and go easy on apportioning blame, imagining punishment or thinking 'someone should do something about it'. I'm not always entirely successful and am very aware I go against the social grain in this...so I was really grateful to read something about this approach in a book about a Buddhist master last night. Resolving to try harder, I was (fairly) grateful for the opportunities to put theory into practice this new day brought...

For one thing there was a bag of rubbish by the bins being attacked and scattered by gulls so I went down with a dustpan to scoop it up and discovered it was full of mussel shells and no wonder they couldn't leave it alone. As there were no cars parked in the way I had a good old tidy up of general litter lying about too... What goes around is my hair, and what goes around my hair sometimes is a scrunchie and I've been aware for a week or two a favourite's gone missing so I was astonished after a while to realise a mysterious round object in a muddy tyre track was that very thing! It's scrubbed well too I'm grateful to say.

I give thanks for a pretty sky yesterday evening with streaks of pink cloud in the white and some dark grey ones on the horizon acting as fake mountains, for an orchid (I think!) in the hedgerow and for making fresh bread to go with my slow cooker stew tonight. It's only from a packet but still... After all this activity I've also been grateful for an idle afternoon watching some rather good tennis and listening to Norman Cook's greatest hits...

Checking out

Sometimes when I get the results back from my blood tests it's 'Oh my goodness, no wonder I don't feel so good' and sometimes it's 'Oh my goodness, it's a wonder I'm as well as I am looking at those' and with the last lot there was a smattering of both of those, plus a little bit here and there of 'Actually, for me that's not too bad all things considered' so I give much thanks for those. Actually, for me, I'm not too bad all things considered and I give thanks for having years of practice now of being pretty well for an ill person, and having a healthy attitude of mind (most of the time) which I'm sure plays a part.

Although I'm grateful for having lots of practice at remembering not to put off too many things til another day if they matter to you today, nonetheless I give thanks for the times when I recall that looking after myself doesn't just mean making sure I have a clean home and tidy finances, nourishing things to eat and comfy clothes to wear, but also getting plenty of rest in between. I give thanks for the dim light, and rain and low cloud this afternoon making it easy to fall asleep as well...

I give thanks for finishing the knitting part of a small blanket I've been making for ages. I can't remember quite how long it's been going on - at least eighteen months - but it was a project started with the very purpose of being ideal for times when not much attention/room/equipment was required so I could do it watching something gripping on TV, or having a conversation, or when away from home so clearly there's not been a great deal of that in that time...or I've just been resting! I give thanks that so far the sewing up and crochet border haven't been too demanding either.

I give thanks for my clothes airer pulley thing going up and down like it should do for the first time in fifteen months - it's much easier than having to use a set of steps to get things up there. And for the smell of cut wood where I haven't got round to priming the new shelf yet...

Trial by error

I give thanks for finally finishing this top which I started last year before summer, and thus motivation, ran out. I'm grateful I managed to cram a T shirt underneath as the it's not quite as summery as it might be today either.

Last night I gave thanks for finding out other people were feeling very cold as well, as none of the weather reports seemed to suggest we should and after feeling so peaky during the afternoon I'd begun to wonder if I was Going Down With Something. This I really do prefer to avoid - not the having something else extra the matter with me so much as the process of monitoring and evaluating bodily processes and thinking ahead and thinking I might. Obviously a lot of people do this a lot of the time and must get something from it but whatever that is I don't want it!

I give thanks for meeting the various unnecessary challenges of the day with good humour as well as the necessary ones, and for understanding that there must be some level at which they do serve a purpose - enhancing my perseverance and equanimity perhaps, or giving others the opportunity to improve the quality of their actions, interactions and services. Oh, and I get the chance to test if the 'put your water damaged phone in rice to mend it' theory is just an urban myth. It's not a phone and it wasn't water but close enough for it to be worth giving it a try...

I give thanks for all the people who've brightened my day with their good humour, for my new rucksack being both capacious and comfy so that I was able to carry everything home I needed to after going to all the places I had to go and for my knees not arguing too much. I give thanks for the heavy rain forecast not falling but for sparkly dotted slanting stripes where drops glanced down the window panes instead, and the bright triangles of yacht sails in their evening race.

That's handy

I give thanks for the catering department rustling up a quick and tasty tea yesterday inspired by a fridge full of veg from my Tesco delivery...And cake! They made cake too as there were odds and ends needing using up in the baking cupboard. Much gratitude once again for that light as a feather Dove's Farm flour. Sometimes I don't always feel grateful that I always have to be the catering department but I do give thanks that what I cook is usually pretty good. And today, when my body's really not been up too much at all I've been grateful doing little more than the washing and the washing up and eating up leftovers.

I give thanks for a handyman coming and doing a couple of long outstanding jobs. I love it when someone fixes things for me even if I have to pay them...especially when they stay fixed and I don't have to pay someone else! And I give thanks for a phone call from a friend who, after a very long silence both ways and all ways, was in the middle of sending me a text when I commented on something they'd posted on Facebook.

I give thanks for the first of three documentaries about Rio's favelas, fascinating to watch and listen to, and a dark rainy afternoon, just right to do it on as a change from snoozing or following tennis. I give thanks for the sight of an optimistic cat crouched in front of the shrubs as darkness fell last night.

Match fit

I'm grateful I went to choir last night. I didn't do a lot of singing as they were putting finishing touches to some songs I didn't know for a performance I'm not going to be performing in but it was good to be in a room with congenial company for a while, and to be outdoors on a long light late spring evening on the way. It was touch and go if I'd go, and a last minute technical hitch meant I nearly didn't but there'd been a little shower just before I finally left and the roads and pavements had that lovely dusty smell so much thanks for that. Gratitude too to Sheila for giving me a lift home back up the hill though those vicious cramps still attacked me in the night...

So this morning to try and stretch out my aching calves I decided to walk back down again, and gave thanks for the beautiful bank of valerian on the way...and yes it made my joints hurt as much as my muscles so I think the plan worked and am grateful! It meant I could slob out in front of the TV when I got home just in time for the start of one of the matches I wanted to see this afternoon, followed by the finish of the other so not all bad anyway... And I'm grateful for sewing the hem on a rather nicely fitting pair of linen trousers I'd made this week before giving up on using my hands as well.

I give thanks for taking the time to show my appreciation for something, to complain politely about something else, and for remembering to send a message of encouragement to someone with something difficult to do. I give thanks for an interesting letter from my incarcerated penfriend, and for buying for the sweetest strawberries...

And so on

I'm grateful for a delicious stir fry for my tea yesterday - more chopping than's comfy but I just kept doing a bit and stopping and doing a bit more like I do with sewing and so on, and eventually it was done.

I'm grateful for happy dreams in my sleep, meeting up with chums I've not seen for a while and having some adventures.

I'm grateful for the sight of speedboats tearing white strips across the sea - good to know people are doing holiday things despite the lack of sun but, selfish though it is, I'm grateful for myself that the weather's been grey here today so I've not felt I've had to go out, or felt that I'm missing out if I don't. It's a rather grey time in my life but, though I miss the colours, I'm grateful it's not black...and for the practice in finding the lightness within myself, not relying on other people or preferred situations to put it there. I'm grateful for keeping on trying to achieve things and believe things and for remembering the world will keep turning whether I do or not...

Oh, I say!

Yay, I'm grateful the tennis season is starting (and that I know why my post is called that even if no one else does)! I hope my joints can bear up to the extra strain...of all the knitting I'll want to do as I'm watching the TV...

I'm grateful for a surprisingly long sound sleep and a long lie in to follow, as it's Sunday and I don't have to get up to pace several flights of stairs to catch the post before it goes a-wandering...and for a very necessary afternoon meditate and nap as well. It's easier to feel grateful when you're rested... 

I give thanks for the sound of the church bells wafting up the hill this morning and for the sound of a major local band fest last night - lots of covers but that just adds to the sense of being really at a 'real' one in a really comfy tent! I give thanks that I like the sound of live bands and church bells and I live somewhere where both are readily available, and birdsong and wind in the leaves and waves. Yes, the walls and floors are stupidly thin and you have to rely on the peace of neighbours for your own, and yes the freeholder can be ludicrously obstructive and even destructive at times, but for quite a bit of my life I've had less of a home either due to the emotional situation or the physical one - boarding school and childrens' home, spare rooms, digs and bedsits (or even 'badsits' as I typed first time!) - and I would never have been able to afford a high ceilinged, tree surrounded, sea glimpse leasehold away from major roads and industry, and livestock (I've lived near livestock and that is loud!) anywhere else but here. So yes, I'm very grateful indeed.

Bird feeder

I give thanks for Bank Holiday weekends on behalf of those for whom they make a pleasant difference - an outing or a treat perhaps, family time...or even just work for more money. Usually, when I've got over the usual disappointment that no one wants me to join in any of their extra leisure (and indeed why should they?) I'm grateful that I have less to attend to in the life admin department because office admin departments are shut...and no appointments to keep...and sometimes, some extra physical silence about the place while others around are off doing all the fun things there are to do around here, though sometimes, equally, when everyone comes back from their excursions tired and emotional in all senses it can make me a bit that way too...and then I give thanks for headphones...

I give thanks for a new series of Wallander and that it's lasting me for ages as I'm finding it clashes with the long light nights - you can't watch Nordic Noir when the sun's up! Well, I can't anyway, and have to wait til it's dark and watch as much as I can before the need for sleep takes over, which is sometimes just a few minutes...

I give thanks for making myself some nice things to eat (nut roast, crumble, a big mixed salad and garlic bread - though not all at once!) and working on some nice things to wear...

I give thanks for the colours of woodpigeons...and one having a plod around close up to the window so I could admire them better. For rain so light you can't see it, just hear it the fluttering leaves as it lands. Oh, and the sky dark apocalyptic sort too on a long afternoon (see above!)

And talking of birds, I give thanks for various pains waking me up in the morning before the crows do so I can shut windows or put earplugs in so they don't, if you see what I mean...

Spicy

I'm grateful I have garlic and know how to use it. Twice lately I've been delighted to come across a takeaway portion of 'homity pie' that's turned out just to a feeble concoction of potatoes and onions with a smidge of cheese and herbs, not like the scrummy stuff I make myself...though that's my fault for not making some and taking it out with me, I guess, or for not living somewhere where not munching on dead animals is the norm...

I give thanks for the rich variety of folk on the bus. There was one I couldn't decide on a gender for, not even which one they might prefer to be taken for although probably female given the shoes, one I took at first for a young woman from the back but which turned out to be an even younger boy, very plainly and tidily clothed and coiffured but with a surprising selection of ear, nose and brow piercings and one who was (al)most certainly a gentleman in early old age, white haired, round tummied and conventionally dressed though when his jacket sleeve rode up you could see a delicately knotted and beaded bracelet on his wrist. And no...they weren't all together!

I give thanks for the silveryness of the sea this lunchtime as the sun lit it up through grey rain clouds
...and for the deep purple velvet of a pansy lying randomly on the pavement...

And for this row of red vehicles...just where the collection of pale green ones was earlier in the year...

Weedy

Last night I was grateful for the sound of the rain starting, gently at first... then heavier and heavier. Mmm, love that sound! And for the changing light today as it changed from sun to clouds to sun shining through clouds. Mind you I give thanks for being a weather goddess too so I avoided all the downpours myself. And I'm grateful that, despite feeling far too tired and sore to walk down the hill I did so anyway...otherwise I'd have missed this roadside prettiness.

I'm grateful the pen is (allegedly) mightier than the sword I've needed to wield something this week to defend myself from marauding council departments, power companies and the like, even haberdashery saleswomen! I'm grateful the pixel is (sometimes) even easier than the pen these days though I've had a lengthy battle with the printer as well. And I'm grateful for remembering all the leftovers I have for tea as I don't think I could wield a lot more than a fork and spoon this evening...

Pass

Ah shucks, I'm tired...but I'm grateful for keeping on trying to get things done. And for reminding myself that all things pass and nothing really matters...

And for taking time out to go past here...though that was tiring too.

for watching pigeons beachcombing

and for watching Breaking Bad

and making Greek Salad and garlic bread for tea

Good sorts

I give thanks for evenings spent in congenial company. You can't beat them can you? However, when I can't join them or am too fatigued for the solitary pursuits that would be my next favourite choice, then I'm grateful for a goodly folk appearing on my TV screen. Dave Lamb's commentary on Come Dine with Me, the QI team, Nev and Max and episodes of Columbo particularly make me feel that all is right with the world and I'm still part of it, so special thanks to them...

(A few nights again I had a dream that I was dying but was gratefully looking forward to it because I knew I was going to be reincarnated as Mrs Columbo! That was why you never see her in the programmes, because I had to die and go back in time and become her first...)

I give thanks for twisted sifter for coming up with these delicious words from other languages which make me want to find a way to use them all...in an irritatingly italicised short story perhaps?
http://twistedsifter.com/2014/05/words-with-no-direct-english-equivalent/

I give thanks for starting to sort out a small pile of paperwork, and being so disgusted with the state of the cupboard where the files some of it should go in were that I've sorted out (some of) that as well

I give thanks for Freyja delivering me a bag of rhubarb from her folks' allotment and some mint from their garden too. Always a lovely treat to be given grown things to eat...

Read all about it

Yes, it's all here in black and white...irritating puns and all! I give thanks for helping the fairies to do the last bits to finish my dress today, which might look better if the photo was in focus but it's hard for them to operate the shutter, you know. I'm grateful I'm pleased with it but pleasing though the effects of cunning pattern cutting and matching may be, I'm looking forward to doing some nice soothingly plain linen trousers next and giving my brain and fingers a bit of a break...

I give thanks for the rain, rain, beautiful rain...I'm needing a few restful days and it's so hard to stay still indoors when the sun is sparkling in the sea (which is how holiday adverts and brochures work, of course!) I'm grateful for doing a fair bit of not very much at all today, which I sometimes find as challenging to achieve as activity and achievement. I have to sternly remind myself sometimes that little of what I hope to do is actually all that necessary.

I'm grateful for hearing a friend in hospital is doing OK, and I'm grateful to Jennys, as often on a Monday but, as I didn't go out, not for lifts this time...

Dropping in

Yesterday I spilt some sun oil on my chest of drawers so I was grateful it has a glass top and wasn't damaged. I didn't notice it until the evening when it was gathering dust, and I couldn't be bothered to clean the whole thing so just did that spot...and was very grateful a little later when I couldn't get the top off a jar of face cream, dropping it and spilling a dollop just there in the clean part and it still being useable! Another splodge fell on my clothes, which will be a lot easier to clean than the carpet would have been, so more gratitude there...plus for the fact that I only buy cheap stuff anyhow...

I was grateful for dropping off to sleep almost as soon as my head touched the pillow...and then for waking up to do what has to be done before I fall asleep...and then for waking up to do what shouldn't have to be done but is better if you wake up when it needs to be if it does!

This morning I was grateful for remembering 'it hurts too much to move' actually means it hurts too much to want to make it hurt more and, as it was eventually inevitable that I had to, for feeling very tough and strong and brave. Sometimes people ask if I'd like to have help, and well yes, duh, I would...but since it's a hypothetical question rather than an offer best to carry on regardless and be proud!

I'm grateful for gradually limbering up and doing a few odds and ends about the place to keep body and soul together...making snacks and pottering energetically ineffectually with sewing for the body, and watching some programmes about standing stones for the soul... I was grateful there was some trying on to do so I could pretend it wasn't really worth getting properly dressed... Also for a really good meditate, the kind that makes you think 'why do I think?'

Trails of the unexpected

First plan for the day was to stay in bed so I'm grateful I gave up on that one. It was much sunnier and warmer than I'd hoped it would be and I really fancied striding out in the middle of the countryside far away from people and all their stuff and nonsense (apart from perhaps the occasional fellow strider) but this was an even more far fetched idea than usual as I couldn't even manage to get away from the duvet long enough get dressed until lunchtime. I'm grateful for my perseverance and eventually getting out and onto a bus to somewhere very different - a seaside spot much favoured by the kind of masses who need a lot of chips to maintain their mass. I had a 'regular' portion and it would have sufficed for three of me!

The reason I went there was desperation for a change of scene and also because I had one of my retail premonitions that was where the small rucksack of my dreams would be to replace the one I used to take striding with me and which is getting very battered after over ten years of sterling service as a beach bag and light shopping hauler as well. I've been searching for some time for a replacement on line and in real life but not found anything the right size with the right pockets and at the right price and in a design I find pleasing to the eye, so was very grateful when I got off the bus and there it was just inside the door of the first shop...just the one, just waiting for me!

Even more gratitude for finding afterwards the trails in the nature reserve behind the beach almost deserted so that the sense of being 'walking in the country' was suddenly miraculously right there too. I give thanks for the peacefulness and beauty, the bright yellow flags and the air dancing with midges and tiny downy flying seeds. 

The blue hut

I'm grateful I managed to cobble together something to eat last night...and that it was still edible after dropping it on the floor and scraping it up again! And I'm grateful that despite feeling pretty dreadful this morning I did manage to get up and do all manner of (seemingly) essential things...albeit very slowly...

I'm grateful I felt better in the afternoon after a bit of a lie down. I suspect it was where I was doing it that did the trick as much as the doze itself... in a secluded and warm windbreak gap between two of the seasonal beach huts down there. Soon all these spots will be covered but they're a great treat while they last.

I'm grateful for the kiosk on the point for making me a sandwich and a cup of tea for lunch. I hardly ever eat sandwiches so that was a novelty in itself... And I'm grateful for a glimpse of the scenic swathe of fog lingering there on the way down to town in the cab.

Worthy of applause

Well, I guess I should say coincidentally for the sceptics but I'm grateful nonetheless for a plethora of movements in various stuck situations since my corner clapping session yesterday...not all perhaps what I'd have described as improvements but sometimes any direction feels better than none. It's a bit like when the very late, very slow bus I was on to my renal appointment this afternoon finally broke down en route and, after eventually got through to the team being told as it was one of the last slots of the day and they were longing to be home in their gardens not to come on the next one, so I could turn round and come back instead... No, they didn't say that really but the more professional version, and I didn't feel especially grateful at the time apart from the fact that the bus broke down near a cafe with a loo and a seat in the sun. I give thanks for pretty views...and pretty tunes in my headphones to drown out some of the less obviously splendid examples of humanity riding with me.

I give thanks that I have a mobile phone, and an mp3 player and live in a beautiful part of the world where there is usually a fairly regular and reliable bus service. I give thanks for clematis and rhododendrons and lilac and workmen apparently taking their digger for a walk along the beach...

I give thanks for rescuing some more precious post, and for hearing from some precious folk who've not responded for a while. I give thanks for Rachel making me a cup of tea and giving me a hug and having a chat as well as giving me acupuncture. These are precious, and rare and restorative too

Knowing the difference

I reckon I'm pretty good at serenity, and I've been known to summon up a smidge of courage now and then too... but the wisdom to know which suits any given situation sometimes eludes me. Last night, awake late as a result of being so sleepy in the afternoon, I was grateful to contemplate deeply all manner of complicated conflicts in my life right now and come to absolutely no absolute conclusions whatsoever about what to do next about any of them apart from clapping in corners in the morning. And I'm grateful for remembering to do this in the morning too...

I was grateful for the moonlight looking gold on the sea this time instead of silver - nothing wrong with silver but gold was a nice change...

Adding nocturnal cogitation to my now normal fatigue it took a lot of slapping round the face to get myself moving today (yes, it's a metaphor...and no, I don't need any help with that!) but this meant I was here to catch the post before any snatching and be grateful we no longer have any resident post snatchers on the premises. One of my packages was the fabric that turned out to be cheaper when I looked again on Monday...and to be three metres instead of the three half meters I'd ordered. I'm grateful I contacted the company regarding their mistake straight away because they said I could keep the extra and, though it's exactly the same fabric as I would have had if I'd not told them, it feels much better this way!

I'm grateful for finally getting out about the same time as the sun and for this cloud pretending to be blossom at the bus stop. I didn't go far but I'm grateful I got done the most essential things including arriving at a patch of local beach where it was summer before any holidaymakers did!

Moon phases

I'm grateful I'm not interested in drinking large quantities of beer, nor indeed gathering with others for that purpose in a place where it is made, as it would seem to be challenging to find an individual to facilitate this kind of enterprise sometimes...

I'm grateful that whilst chasing some disorganisation regarding a delivery I discovered that it had been organised and in fact was due within the next hour or so...just no one had organised telling me...  Oh, and I'm grateful for a delivery of some Tesco bits and bobs too including hash browns which they were out of stock of last time. The absence of these is the end of civilisation as I know it!

I'm grateful a neighbour's child is going through a screaming phase because a child's antisocial behaviour phases are usually shorter than an adult's. It also reminds me of a small boy I once knew who discovered that high pitched screeches that begun with 'f' and ended with 'k' were particularly effective at getting a grown up's attention. I'm grateful it wasn't my small boy...

I'm grateful for the brightness of the burgeoning moon on these clear long light evenings, and the almost imperceptible slide into summer. Saw my first martins of the year today!

To tell the truth

I'm grateful there was a few hours gap between my morning doziness and afternoon nap today, when I was able to attend to a few things. Neither the spirit nor the flesh have really been willing, and sometimes when you carry on regardless it helps...though sometimes you just can't wait to call a halt...

Nonetheless, feeling so rough today made me realise how well I must have felt yesterday so, in retrospect, I'm grateful for that!

I'm grateful for spilling the beans at lunchtime...as it meant I had to wash the kitchen floor (a job long overdue) and that so much of the laminate is covered with rugs so there wasn't that much to do...

I'm grateful for having a lot to carry to make the cab down hill worthwhile, and for remembering to get a photo of one of the 'fisherman's friend' houses while I was in that part of town. There's a whole terrace of them, and they look as if they'd have been quite grand homes for simple boat owners so I'm not quite sure if that's what they were originally to tell the truth, though it could explain their cheery faces! Many have the head over the doorway plain painted like the walls so this one's my favourite, shame I didn't zoom in more...

I'm grateful the downstairs doorlock has finally broken off, so that I'll stop shopping on ebay for a while until it's mended and packages will be safe again...meaning my bank balance will be safe instead!

Ouch!

No, I'm not in any particularly bad pain today, though I'm grateful for your concern if there was any, for aiming to be tolerant of ghoulishness if there was any of that...and for not being in any particularly bad pain of course! The post title came from the name of the BBC's disability issues blog which in this case is highlighting the work of a stand up comedian, who cannot actually speak, and a Scope awareness campaign - both of which draw attention to situations when 'awkward' is not just an overstretched social media concept. I'm particularly grateful for Lee Ridley's point that there are disabled and not-yet-disabled people! So true...and so unbelievable until it happens to you or someone you care for...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-ouch-27338770

I also give thanks for my savory spicy lentil stew which made such a delicious dinner last night with a small mountain of well buttered sprouting broccoli and some mixed grain bread. I'm hoping it'll be just at tasty tonight with something else as I've run out of broccoli now...

I'm grateful for umming and aahing over some fabric on ebay yesterday, failing to decide and it getting cheaper in the meantime!

I'm grateful for some successful unpicking and resewing of some fabric I prepared (all wrong) earlier...

...and a quick trip to Santander this afternoon courtesy of Google. So much has changed, so much is still the same...

29 easy pieces

At least I think there are...not counting not counting the facings! Today I'm very grateful I've finished the mosaic dress. It wasn't a complicated garment to make but there sure was a lot of careful cutting and sewing. I didn't set out to make a wearable Alhambra palace but the fabric seemed to require it, and it does feel rather fabulous on. Clearly there aren't enough challenges in my life...or more to the point there are but they are the same old same old ones every day so it was good to set myself something different. And yes, I should get out more...and yes, that's another challenge... I'm grateful it does actually remind me of being in Granada as I've had a real yen to go to Spain again where I used to wander off to quite often.

I'm grateful for achieving some other goals today, overcoming the challenges to getting up and getting dressed and keeping myself fed and clean and in moderately good cheer in the exclusion zone. And for getting enough rests in between the getting things done so that the done things could be...

I give thanks for that stew simmering away aromatically and creating a homely, cared for feeling. And for almost making my bed with clean sheets...enough to lie on and have a lovely nap anyhow!

The other half

I give thanks for all the folk who are in happy pairs...almost everyone I know now which is wonderful to know. So many different sorts of people finding someone who thinks they're just right - it's amazing when you think about it!

I give thanks that my 'special treatment' yesterday restored a bit of my mo if not my jo, so that this afternoon I was able to go out and do the rest of the shopping I'd not been able to manage - even with a cab to get up the hill you still have to get the stuff to the cab (and from one shop to another beforehand) and the limit of what I can carry is easily reached these days. I give thanks for the warm wind making it very pleasant to take a refreshment break at my favourite outdoor eatery, for the clear light and receding tide making a little strip of sunniness to sit in. I give thanks for there being a cab driver on the rank to drive me when I'd done, and it being one who always shares a grumble with me about people who're always grumbling...

I give thanks for all the favourite foods I found as well including Longley Farm cottage cheese, English strawberries and Co-op 'Truly Irresistible' rye bread which does exactly what it says on the bag and, in Waitrose, some stuffed peppers reduced to 99p. I give thanks to the Waitrose product development team for creating flavoursome veggie treats (and fishcakes!) - it's a rarity to have such delicious ready made things. As I'd put some lentil stew in the slow cooker before I went out there's all manner of things to be grateful I can serve...except possibly another person!

Zzzz's are good

It works best if you say it like an American...but yes, they are! I give thanks waking to the sound of rain this morning and for a big sleep late this afternoon. I'm grateful I stirred again eventually, so I'll be able to go back to bed again before too long.

I give thanks for spotting the beautiful turquoise blue of the sea before I drifted off, listening to the wind in the trees. Once again I was grateful no lawns were being trimmed or domestic unrest being vocalised at the time...

I give thanks for getting some tasks done in town to help make me tired, to Rachel for giving me acupuncture to help make me relaxed, and to Roxy for letting me in when the door lock wouldn't so I could get to my bed...

I give thanks for all the new cafes recently opened, or old ones stocking new products so I had to sample their wares and get out of cooking tea... And the stunning photography in a nature programme about France including shots of people sleeping on a portaledge, which made me grateful there's so many reasons I never shall.

Comparison sites

Yep, I give thanks for the pain in my knees waking me up very early this morning...as it meant I could have a stupendously long lie in. (Strenuous? suggests my phone - no, definitely not that!)

I'm also grateful for getting up well before lunchtime as this meant I could go back to bed for an afternoon nap. And that no one in the neighbourhood was raising their voice or their power tools during that time...so I could drift off listening to wind wooshing through the growing leaves instead. Mmm, I give thanks for all the sounds weather makes!

I give thanks for getting up again eventually so I could make myself some yummy potatoes dauphinoise for tea...and salad...and toasted pine nuts I managed not to burn!

I give thanks for finding out someone I thought hadn't sent me a message had - it had just got tangled up in the world wide web somewhere. Heavens I could have hundreds of them lost out there...well two or three anyhow!

I give thanks for all the folk I see on TV, the internet or my travels whose anger makes me think I'm better natured, or bitterness sweet, or thoughtlessness kind...and for sometimes remembering not to be so deluded and smug as well.

Travelling light

Yay, I'm grateful I went out...and even better NOT for a medical appointment! It was a shopping trip which, strange as it may seem to many, is not my favourite sort of outing but I got the things I went out for without too much trouble which is by far my favourite way of doing it... And I give thanks that all the buses did what I thought they were going to do and at roughly the time I expected it which is helpful too. One particular route I'd not been on before was full of passengers who made me feel quite young and fit so that was a bonus as well!

I give thanks for all the things I spotted along the way that gave me a snapshot of the day...or even of life you could say...the headlands looking quite different in the morning light than they do later in the day, two magpies in a slender poplar against a bright blue sky, the bank that slopes down from the road tight packed with bluebells you can only see from the top of a double decker (and which are very hard to get a photo of as that double decker swings round the bend!), a large school filing out in forms to be arranged on the waiting staging for a group photo and an old man and a younger one setting up a chess board in the sun.

I also give thanks for finding (cunningly displayed in a store entrance to ensure unsuspecting shoppers couldn't not find it) something billed as the world's lightest suitcase. It was astonishingly light even to my weak and feeble lifting powers, so, as I've been suffering from wanderlust lately along with everything else and I liked the pattern and the price I bought myself one... As suffering goes, I have to say wanderlust is not that bad - even though it's such a palaver for me to get anywhere, let alone do anything bar nap when I do, I'm grateful I have a feeling of wanting to again rather than one of giving up.

Fair dinkum

...and, of course, listening to neighbours arguing makes me very grateful to remember there are worse things than being alone...

I'm grateful today started cooler and cloudier so I didn't do what I've done twice in the last week and think I'd like to go out, go through all of the palaver of getting ready...and then decide I was too tired to go. I'm grateful it was pleasant enough and I was energetic enough to take some letters to the post box though, and a very smelly rubbish bag to the bin...

Watching the struggles outside to find and use parking space efficiently, I give thanks I don't have a car. In fact I give thanks I never have driven outside of a lesson or it would be one more thing to miss. I have enough trouble steering knitting needles or regulating the speed on a sewing machine to even think about it now, but sometimes I do look rather longingly at those big fancy mobility scooters...got nowhere to park it though!

I'm grateful for finding a new source of bargain fabric on ebay. I bought some and laid it out on the floor in roughly the shape of a dress to give the fairies an idea of what I'd like them to do while I get on with something else...like finishing other projects on the go...

I'm grateful the second version of my hair has a blonde streak. When it first appeared I thought, get over yourself it must be grey, but no, it's definitely blonde!

Hear here

I give thanks for the things I can hear here. For the waves and wind and the rain, especially when the foliage is full, church bells and festivals and 'homecoming' musicians playing on the Den. Squirrels scurrying through the branches, and all the birds...layers and layers of stereo song in the still of the morning from the many trees and shrubs about. It reminds me of jungles and makes me grateful I know what they sound like for real, and for when Phil Spector made the news for all the right reasons...

I give thanks for the sounds of the dogs and children when they're playing happily, likewise the humans. I like silence and natural sounds, but if I didn't hear my neighbours chattering I'd not hear a real live real time voice for days and would wander off in my head even more than I do now...

I give thanks for a programme last night about what people thought about their bodies. There was an ex model who had long only been thought of as one, a fat activist woman and a man born with only vestigial legs, a young chap transgendering from being a chapess and a young mother before and after breast cancer surgery. It wasn't surprising that the more loved and appreciated these folks were for who they were, the more at ease they were showing what they looked like for the camera and the world, but they all had insecurities and a tale to tell that moved me.

Not being much loved myself, nor the subject of a documentary, no one one would think to ask me how I feel about my body now, and I would hope to be loving enough myself not to share what others wouldn't care to hear...but though it's nice, it's naive to imagine it's all unmitigated gratitude after you've been chopped about and rearranged. I know I could pay someone to listen if I really wanted to talk about it, or write it one some relevant forum where other people in a similar position could go 'Ooh, I know...now listen to me!' I'm grateful it all seems unnecessary somehow...

Journey's bend

I'm grateful for a few extra messages and emails I've had recently - each and every one referring to a health problem. I'm grateful this has reminded me so well that what you give out is what you receive and to try not to share my suffering and struggling on here even if I perceive I'm doing so as part of a gratitude for somewhere it takes me. 

There may be a version of reality where you mention something that's hard and someone else goes 'Gee, that's a bummer, what can I do to help?', it's probably in the same part of the galaxy as the one where that man wakes up and wonders what his wife might like for tea. I don't know the way there yet but I'll tell you when I do and we can all be very grateful... In the meantime...if I tell you I'm enjoying what I learn on the rough parts of the journey...believe me, I do! And try to yourselves as well...

Oh, and believe me when I tell you I've seen a land rover that says Spirit Recovery Service too! I saw it again yesterday, and got off at the next bus stop and walked back even though it was uphill and I knew it would hurt because it seemed a whole lot more worthwhile use of energy and aching body parts than trudging round 'super'markets or hospital corridors. I give thanks for recovering the feeling of being on a mission...

The news media seems largely about man's inhumanity to other man, or woman or child, Facebook posts praising whichever aspects of this they see as fitting and fine, while TV makes entertainment out of people's difficulties - their overweight or their hoarding, their lack of education or their crimes, the 'disaster' that will ensue if they don't get that sauce on the plate in time... This is supposed to be a different place - a place for remembering to find and share the happy and good, and to remind you to do the same. 

I give thanks for the odd half hours in the last twenty four when I've felt relatively OK and have got on with bits and bobs about the place. I give thanks for no more muscle spasms after eating a small pack of Kettle Chips. It's the kind of product that is usually portrayed as having a skull and crossbones on it if you're verging on end stage renal failure but actually my sodium levels are pretty low (probably as my intake always has been) and someone suggested drinking salt water might be good for cramps. That sounded really boring but crisps were rather fun!

Foreign travel

I'm grateful for all the hospital appointments I have to make me go out on days I really don't feel capable. It's amazing what you can do when you push yourself, and as most of them require a minimum of two buses each way you can end up feeling as if you did actually push the things yourself!

I'm grateful I've been discharged from the pain management service on the grounds that I'm managing the pain as best one can and, as the real deal breaker is the fatigue, it's a bit mean to make me keep trekking up there to tell them. I give thanks to physio John for making me laugh...it's the best medicine they say...

As these trips mean I'm housebound for a couple of days afterwards to recuperate I try to fit in a bit of light retail therapy and cake sampling between connections. The retail therapy has to be light because I can't carry heavy, and I give thanks for surviving the long queues of those with overflowing trolleys while I waited with my handfuls of this and that, and that today's hospital does do surprisingly nice snacks...tho you have to queue for those too.

I'm grateful for the dandelions and daisies in the verges reminding me of playing outdoors as a child, and the fact that so many routes and times and stops have been changed without updating the available timetables that being a passenger round here at the moment reminds me of foreign public transport travel with its occasional unplanned adventure.

I'm grateful I left leftovers for my tea, and they are cooking in the oven. It won't be long before my joints sieze up and the muscle cramps begin and I need to be safely seated before then so that I can stand up again in a hurry and unknot them.

Grey areas

I'm grateful for walking down the hill today in the soft rain. I give thanks for the recycling bins having space for my contributions to go in, and the doctors' having all my prescriptions ready to go out which were the reasons that I did so.  I'm grateful for getting some of the shopping and other outdoor chores done too. I give thanks for the greyness of the skies and sea...

I'm grateful for Rachel making me a mug of tea and giving me two non-virtual hugs as well as treatment. 

I'm grateful for remembering the best advice I've ever had. It was on a programme about kids in care, and the presenter, who also had been, was saying to a troubled youngster 'It feels like no one cares about you, doesn't it? Well, you've got to care about yourself!' 

All my distress yesterday was caused by imagining I could get some help with some problems and wearing myself out going round in phone and email circles trying to find out where. I know not to ask people I know to help me with stuff because they will be too busy with their own agendas and priorities, but I forget sometimes that the same is true for folk who you might think might do because of their job title. Advisors may give poor advice or information lines inaccurate information because when push comes to shove other things matter to them more. 

We all have a tendency sometimes to think someone else will fix things when we can't...whether it's a bosom buddy, or a bank manager or a bully who's on our side...or maybe a surgeon, a magistrate or an MP. It's a fine enough notion if it makes you feel more safe and secure, until you find out it's not necessarily true. I'm grateful for the certainty of knowing there's no such thing...