Back out

I give thanks for the beautiful weather. I'd like to be convalescing in a cabin on the side of a wooded valley, a coastguard's cottage on top of a cliff or a croft in a fold of an otherwise uninhabited Scottish moor...but of course I'm too incapacitated to do that on my own so I give thanks for lying on my bed with a view of the blue sky and the sound of the crisping leaves blowing in the wind.

I couldn't get out of going out today though, as the hospital had made me promise to get my bloods done. I'd been fretting a little as to how to do this in such a state of hobble and groan without a great deal of superfluous chit-chat instead of necessary teeth gritting...though mostly I'm so grateful to live in such a sociable friendly place as you know. So it was a delight to hear from Laura in a gap between going away and going back to work and, having known me for several years plus had having had an op herself several weeks ago, she was full of offers of situation specific suggestions for things that she could do.

If you have to leave home when you really don't want to, being with someone you feel at home with certainly does help and she and the parking angel were in excellent form so I give thanks pain making was kept as low as could be. I give thanks for food cooked, and bedding changed and the washing done...though the plan of using the effort saved to rest and make myself better was scuppered by having instead to deal with a range of mistakes and muddles and malfunctions...including the lighting circuit which despite more trips up ladders than either of us would have preferred still refuses to co-operate. I give thanks I've nothing planned for this evening needing any bright overhead light...

Back off

I give thanks for the pink grey of the cloudy dawn this morning. For a view of the sky from my bed. For sleeping better last night, and for being able to now lie on either side instead of being stuck on my back.

I give thanks no unnecessarily unneighbourly noise making for more than twenty four hours. I assume it's because of all the recent interaction, intervention and overly intimate overhearing but I have a particular craving to withdraw for a while from all but a little light online connection so the more peace in the vicinity the better. Maybe there's an astrological element - my horoscope keeps talking about a time of reflection, and a fellow aquarian normally quite contented with a bustly life has recently headed off into the wild green yonder. As I can't do that disappearing into my own headspace is the best way to charge my batteries I know...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-37444982

I give thanks for some brief spaces of feeling less beset by pain and invalidity and using them to do some useful things like boiling an egg and making some toast, getting a load of washing on and then on the clothes horse, and getting the ladder out and going up and down it to fetch the broken fuse...which may get replaced later or may not...it doesn't matter really as the loud people and dogs are back about their business so as I've finished the soup and sat on the sofa to watch Bake Off I think I'm back off to bed!

Power supply

I give thanks for power supplies to sockets and electrical appliances that plug in. Especially for lamps as this evening draws on, since a bulb has blown in my bathroom and blown the fuse for that circuit too. I generally give thanks for my resourcefulness but even I have failed to come up with a cunning plan to rectify this that doesn't involve moving ladders about and moving about on ladders... I also generally give thanks for my resilience, but for once I think resignation may be the better option here... I'm not going to even try ladders for a while!

There may be well be readers who have experienced a compressed nerve in the spine, and probably a long relatively recent abdominal wound...maybe even those who can relate to a newly sited ileal conduit and navel...but any who have dealt with the full concurrent set with no pain relief other than oral over the counter paracetamol and only brief ad hoc domestic assistance will particularly appreciate the fact that though I might seem exceptionally feeble just now, I am in fact incredibly strong. I give thanks for my awesomeness.

I give thanks for today's brief ad hoc assistance including an acupuncture treatment, a gift of flowers (and the trimming and setting up of said flowers in a vase on my bedroom chest of drawers), the making of a cup of tea and bringing of ingredients to make a pan of fresh leek and potato soup liberally laced with garlic and turmeric, the slicing of bread both to eat at the time and later, the changing a water filter, washing up, drying up and putting away. This may not seem brief but as the person involved had to fit it in around an hourly bus timetable and an afternoon at work it all took place in less than a couple of hours! I give thanks for Rachel's well thought out thoughtfulness and for the wonderful feeling of proper nourishment in my body for the first time in almost a week.

Hair and now

I give thanks for being home.

I could write that at least five times because there are several ways in which it pleases me. Of course there are ways in which my home fails to please these days too but they pale into insignificance beside the pleasures of some privacy,  access to food and drink I like, wireless internet, an orthopaedic unplastic covered mattress to lie on, relative autonomy, relative peace...a sense of choice and options.

I give thanks for seeing John seeming so well and for using some of this wellness coming to rescue me from the well meant but soul destroying clutches of the ward. For fresh air, the sight of hundreds of trees not just half a one, for having a conversation with someone I've known a very long time, for having a just right cup of tea made for me after having a just right pint of milk bought... And perhaps most wonderously, after being given some samples of shampoo and conditioner to try and jokingly responding that what I really needed was for someone to wash my hair...having my hair washed!

Better feelings

I give thanks for not just feeling better, but for other people who think they know better feeling that I am too!

For my companions on the ward feeling relatively well and in good spirits too, so that we've been able make each other's tender places sore with laughter. They are an intelligent, interesting and amusing bunch which I never thought you'd hear me say. I dreaded my fellow patients as much as anything else about being here... And I give thanks for some companionable conversable with staff and relatives too. Particularly for making would be serious consultants laugh. It's a pet project of mine...I'm sure it makes them feel better!

For being freed of tubes and wires so that I can walk about a bit, and being wheeled along to some stairs to practise walking up and down them. All this has made the pain I came in with return but I give thanks for meeting a lady similarly stricken so at least someone understands why I keep moving in strange ways to try to make it go away.

I give thanks for the offer of a lift home from John tomorrow especially as he has to drive a long way to do it. It will be good to be with someone I've known a long time, and with someone who knows what it's like to be not properly well for a long time too.

Ill winds

Reports of my rapid recovery having been apparently exaggerated, I give thanks I wasn't ejected prematurely. I give thanks for feeling excessively sleepy rather than excessively ill and that people are doing what they can to make me better.

I give thanks for in between sleeping feeling quite bored...always a good sign I reckon. And for overhearing a fascinating phone call from the vet husband next door about some grass snake eggs he's been hatching which shows my brain would still work given some stimulation.

I give thanks for the shared enjoyment on the ward of a sudden brief squall of violent noisy wind hurling rain at the windows despite the bright blue sky.

I give thanks for the tender expressions of love and concern from loved ones. Waking wives and mothers with a soft word or kiss, bringing thoughtful though not always thoroughly thought through gifts, kind words... and awkward bluff and bluster from those who cannot say them.

I give thanks for finally, on the third day of asking, finding a member of staff who could promise and keep a few minutes to walk with me out to the corridor and back. It's not the pain in my tummy causing problems, that's mostly negligible. It's the combination of stroke hand, sciatica and all the tubes and wires to carry with me. It felt wonderful to be moving about!

Slice of lime

Phew! It's good to be back... I'm always in a state of euphoria when I come round from an anaesthetic, as my last thought as I go under is that I won't! But it's always going to be downhill after that..

I give thanks for a bed with a view of part of an autumnal coloured tree that changes from lime to gold with different light and tosses in the wind. And for a sliver of pink sunset one evening too...

I give thanks for the wonderful staff here... How they manage to stay so cheerful, unflustered and competent I don't know as there are not nearly enough of them...

I give thanks for finally getting some sleep last night and today. I need my rest at the best of times and a hospital is not the best place for it. I give thanks finally this evening I feel as if I might start feeling myself again soon... For the people who've been in touch and those who've not.. And for not having visitors. It's hard to find any 'space' in here and, not feeling very chatty, just listening to other people talk to each other is enough. Love listening to the old gentleman reading to his poorly wife in the bed next door though...

I give thanks for Bob's excellent blog writing while I've been out of action... His grasp of what really constitutes good fortune, and that he appreciates this is an inheritance that can't be squandered as the more you use it the more you get...

Normal service to resume in 3... 2...

Today's update, and Gabi is tired from the operation and a busy night but still doing fine! She's hard at work resting for the evening and will be back tomorrow to take the helm again.

So my things for today... I'm always thankful for this but definitely give thanks for not having to follow the drudgery of a normal life, I'm certainly not cut out for doing a boring job day in, day out, and being able to follow my creative pursuits is pretty close to living the dream! Whether it's making semi-musical noise, building bizarre instruments out of Speak & Spells and Cybermen, just selling Lego, or any one of my other random ideas that I'm always trying to follow up on. I may not have lots of free time, but my time is my own.

I'm thankful for being blessed with a creative mind. I can't imagine what it would be like to be uncreative, I almost believe that everyone has it inside them but maybe only some actually listen to their ideas! 

Certainly thankful for music, because it's been and will continue to be such a big part of my life. It brings me so much joy, goosebumps, gave me a proper sense of direction, and through writing and performance boosted my confidence and helped me go to unusual places and meet lots of interesting people. 

It seems to be a theme to find something to find the good in something that you're not actually all that thankful for, so I'm going to be thankful for my room being too small for me, because it's helping me to focus and downsize. It's easy to fill up a space with random stuff and have lots of projects going on at once and I certainly did that several times over! Without the space to leave half-finished things lying around the place, I will be able to concentrate on one or two at once. Or three or four. But no more than that.

And finally, I'm thankful for my mum! Thankful that she's still here after going through so much, raised me effectively, and all those other things that sons aren't very good at saying. She's been through a lot but still manages to keep going and find a new 5 things every day.

Here comes the son...

So I'm guesting on the blog again, there hasn't been a day missed yet and the momentum must be continued!

First of all, you'll all be thankful to hear that the operation was successful, and even got going in the morning instead due to someone else not showing up. I know Gabi's been waiting around for this operation for some time, so it must be a big relief, both to have the operation, and not be waiting around too long on the day. So of course, I'm thankful for another successful surgery, and by association, the NHS. It's a necessary institution which in this day and age should be a basic human right. We need to keep this going rather than have it sold off to already rich people for them to get richer!

In my own world, I'm very thankful for the gradual onset of having free time again... I've spent so long having to work on backlogs and repaying debts that the light at the end of the tunnel is very welcome! I'm not there yet, but seeing things actually start coming together is very promising, and I'm excited for all the new projects and ideas I can start and hopefully carry out to fruition.

I'm especially thankful today for lots of helpful advice from friends, casting eyes over a logo design I've been working on to go with my music projects, great to have a whole wealth of second opinions and outside suggestions! I have still to sift through and find the ones I want, but there's plenty of food for thought. This is also one of many long-standing backlog projects that I've wanted done for a long time, so it's nice to have one almost in the bag!

A great festival season and great weather... going to bundle these two together, as they went very hand in hand. This year I've spent more time outside than any other year for quite a while! The festivals especially were a welcome set of weekend breaks, and after a difficult 2015 and up and down 2016, these definitely lifted my mood up again.

And now I'm off to a pub with friends and my girlfriend, all of whom I'm thankful for! I have a great network of interesting and creative people and there's always good times to be had, and a bit of a nice break for the evening will be good to clear the mind.

Tough life

Well a couple of people have asked me how I feel about my operation tomorrow, and after all the feelings I've had about it for so long, I can honestly say I give thanks for the non related crippling pain of the last week or two increasingly decreasing any attention I can give to non essentials like worrying. I'm so focused on how to get dressed, attend to personal hygiene and bodily nourishment, get the washing up done etc, I'm having to remind myself to do the extra things I need to do just to be ready to go to the hospital at bleep o'clock in the morning...let alone the things I am so going to wish I'd done when I get home however many days later. In fact the fact that this time tomorrow I'll be lying down, maybe only semi conscious, certainly with no need to drag myself about doing to anything is really rather appealing you know...

I give thanks for discovering that, apart from the bottom sheet, you can actually make your bed while you're lying on it! I give thanks for pillow cases and duvet cover changed without that tricksy standing up... For embracing my masculine side, not the man flu type of masculine, the type that rolls its eyes and wishes people would stop fussing...but because I've a feminine side you know I'd probably moan if they didn't too!

Wellwishes notwithstanding, nor Bob understanding some things about me few people do...best thanks of the day to the person who knew the best thing to do with me today was take me out to contemplatively consume carrot cake. Who would that be? Why, me of course! I've learnt a lot about myself recently including that I value my independence at least as much as assistance that relieves suffering, so I wanted to see what it was like walking through the pain barrier. Interesting is the best answer! I give thanks I chose to do it when school children were walking the other way so clutching walls and groaning was not an option and for the 'Wow! How tough am I?' feeling...while it lasted...

I give thanks although there's still quite a bit to get done, the thing to do now is have a bit of a rest before tea. I was going to have an early night but I mustn't forget to fit in a late supper before my fast. As for blogging: Bob's going to give you updates for a day or two...and hopefully there'll be some stuff to be grateful for!

Balancing fact

I give thanks for Rachel treating me - to acupuncture (which didn't take the pain away but relieved some of the suffering), having a cup of tea made and the washing up done...plus the pleasure of being in the company of someone who gets the stuff that goes on in my head and doesn't mind listening to it. I wouldn't wish suffering on anyone but I give thanks in retrospect that she, a seasoned Vipassana meditator, had to hobble out of a retreat one time when sciatica attacked, and knows it's an agony that defeats even the most valiant attempt at 'breathing through'. Damn fine vegetable gardener's pie too...it seemed huge and I thought there might be leftovers but we just kept going back for more!

I give thanks to Colin for suggesting some stretches (which didn't physically help much either but which gave me the pleasant sensation of another being wanting to do what they could to help) Also for some mathematical musing on the equation for happiness. I've just been reading about what's currently thought about that in the mighty tome Sapiens which I was gratefully lent a while ago. It's chemicals that make us 'happy' of course, and health and wealth and mutually loving relationships can encourage us produce a goodly supply, but things can fall out of kilter when our preferred sources are reduced or gone. A sense of purpose or meaning to our lives can redress the balance and plenty of that can outweigh a lack of the others...Otherwise...? I give thanks the best bet seems to be to have Buddhist aspirations and try not to be care whether you're happy or not. I'm working on it...

I give thanks to Laura who, unaware of my particular struggles right now, rang up to see if I'd like to be driven anywhere...and who drove me to some important places including some where the important thing was just look and see....

I give thanks for the hazy but mild sunshine; for a good chat with a good friend; for the curious experience of seeing my reflection entering a mirrored lift and thinking it was someone else already in there...someone younger and prettier than me! For a cheery Tesco delivery chap and lots of easy things to eat, as I'd planned to try and make a turmeric laden curry to help with the inflammation but I can only really stand on one leg and the other one is getting tired... On the plus side you could probably fry an egg on my left buttock if you had peculiar tastes, weren't in a hurry and didn't mind a bit of exaggeration.

The rest is just lies

Um...ho hum...what to say... I'm grateful for getting on with stuff that cannot wait to be done in the smallest possible segments in which it can be done. I'm grateful for the way each time I rest and the pain subsides I get up again and think 'There...that's so much better now!' and it is for a little while...but most of all I'm grateful for the times when I just lie still. Lying still is the most wonderful thing in the world right now! I'm grateful I remember to get up again when I've things cooking or other pressing matters as I could so easily drift...away...into that place I go when the place I'm in is too bad to stay.

I give thanks for a cuppa being made for me at knitting, and a lift home afterwards. That Rachel's coming for tea and that I've made some! That I've made my bed and I'm going to lie on it...after tea for acupuncture and then, I think, for all the rest of the evening and all tomorrow morning too...

Pain attention

I don't pay pain a lot of attention apart from in a vaguely Vipassana kind of way, mindful and meditative, or with a detached anthropological interest as to how we deal with it in our largely comfortably numb modern Western society. There are people who seem to find their maladies and malfunctions quite fascinating but I give thanks I try to maintain my original attitude that they may have my body but they shall not have my mind! Mind you, when I was originally told I had cancer, I thought I'd either beat it or die, not be beaten up by its repercussions day after day for years to come...It's not easy, but my adversaries have become old (no, not friends!) sparring partners so I'm used to where their blows will fall and can often manage a workaround, hey sometimes even a playaround!

Recently there's been some new discomfort going on, which I decided wasn't life threatening so just to try to ignore and to hope it would go away...so I might have been grateful that the original sensations did, only they were replaced by others so sensationally unignorable they demanded full and instant attention at times, like a bout of cramp might do, only no position would instantly make the pain go away. It demanded so much attention I remembered it had a name, though I've never had it before so how I know it I don't know....and though I don't wish to discuss it or dwell on it any further (other than to find more practical workarounds than gripping my door keys against my palm for distraction) I will share with you, since you've come this far in the saga, that this is the abomination known as sciatica. On the whole I would say avoid it if you can, but if you have any tendency to be grieving over the past or fretting over the future as I have been of late it will focus your mind in the here and now most effectively. And if your here and now has been causing you some distress and anguish as mine has also been...all the things that have been distressing and anguishing you will seem lesser evils than before. I think I should give thanks for these mercies...I give thanks I'm trying any how...

I give thanks my strawberry pudding was delightful, and that some of it still will be for tea today! For inroads into the currently very challenging task of digging out warmer clothes from their stash under the stairs behind all the things I stashed in front of them until they were required. This has to be done before my operation as the physicality will be forbidden for a while afterwards and I will feel the chill as I recuperate I'm sure, but trying to do it hopping is mad...

I give thanks for some leftover tuna and ready made coleslaw to put together a sandwich for lunch, and finally managing to hobble down the road to eat it. For remembering to pay attention to other things...like this classical moment beside me...

Turns out

I give thanks for watching the colour of light change from early morning gold, and the bright blue sky of later in the day. I wanted to be outdoors so much and am grateful I remembered there's a difference between wanting to be out and wanting the effort and pain of getting there...and back! I give thanks being very tired from yesterday helped...and that the soreness today was mostly from the hips down so I could do some bits of knitting and sewing and so on - intrinsically pleasing, and also stopped me from looking out of the windows too much and pining!

I give thanks for finishing my tea towels...and for finally getting round to mending the drawer that they go in. I'd thought finding just the right screw would be the hard part... but finding a tool to turn it in the confined space was harder...

I give thanks for turning my mattress. This is something I find particularly challenging, but it's always a help to realise no one could help me even if they would as there wouldn't be room in the room...

After all this I was grateful for just enough energy to cobble together some tea, including a pudding from those strawberries which are now a bit bruised and past their best (also a bit like me!). As my stick blender is more interested in being a stick than a blender these days, and my arms are limping we'll have to see how it turns out...

I give thanks for the times when the people who are noisy when they're in were out, and when the people who are noisy when they're out were in...and the brief bliss of both together...

Just like me

I give thanks for picking some delicious strawberries earlier this week. Well perhaps I should say 'choose' as I didn't pick them from the bush, but I chose well... via my nose which detected their aroma a good two yards from the stand outside the fruit and veg shop. English, ripe and sweet...bit like me really.

I give thanks for Sylvie sharing a link for this story which moved me with sympathy for the people who felt stressed and invaded by the thefts, and also for the man who felt similarly about the world he lived in in general and had to leave it behind...
http://www.gq.com/story/the-last-true-hermit

I give thanks for my new bright towel cheering up the kitchen chores. That the diamond repeat on the big one from which it came exactly divided into three - partly because I find the geometry easier on the eye, and partly because less cutting of towels on the living room floor makes for less vacuuming afterwards. I didn't come across a new oven glove I liked at a price I could afford so I made a slip on cover for the traditional plain uncovered one I already had, from a piece of material and some binding I just happened to already have as well. I give thanks this pleases me greatly! No, I haven't made toning tea towels...the fabric for those is still in the wash... Yes, I should get out more - take me!!!

I give thanks for taking myself out today...for a trek to the hospital and back for my pre-op assessment. The bus from here stops on the road outside the other side of the sprawling site from where I had to be and, on a day when even sitting still is seriously painful, there was some serious hobbling and whimpering in between! I give thanks to Gemma who went through the various processes with me with humour and humanity, and how we got to chatting about many things including how hard it is for consultants to maintain theirs sometimes. I give thanks for the bit when we had each other in fits of laughter...and when I got to lie down for my ECG.

I give thanks there's a new bus station on its way for the city. If there could be some new people around its environs I'd feel more comfortable, though after passing several scary looking/sounding types in a row I did smile to spot a book entitled Don't Panic prominently displayed outside a charity shop .

I give thanks for watching a town gardener dropping a bucket down from a bridge on a rope to collect water for hanging baskets. For a man and woman all in black with clerical collars having lunch together in a cafe surrounded by colourfully dressed customers, staff...and food! For thinking of this title and then musing on how the phrase can mean we identify an entity by its characteristic ways...or please, can I please you a little? And that thought is about as 'just like me' as they come...

Dis robe

I give thanks for the soft wrap around sunset last night, with the moon bright even before darkness fell...For dreaming I heard owls though I'm not sure if I did really...

There is autumn in the air, in the dipping light and temperatures, but as I'm not really ready to get ready for winter I give thanks despite the crisp drifts of leaves in doorways the trees still seem green and fully dressed. For finishing my soft wrap around garment for when I am not...It's not quite like any other dressing gown, kimono or robe I've seen around...but that's why I had to make it duh!

I give thanks for it being very peaceful here during the day as I felt very peaceful too and in the mood for relaxing...which is so much more relaxing if other people around are too. For digging out some other unfinished projects for gentle resurrection...

I give thanks for Bob and Colin for saying the right things last night. I couldn't have told even myself what they were, and as they were neither of them anywhere in the vicinity to read any body language clues there might have been they either know me well or got lucky...I'm grateful they didn't text me to do it as I'm having lots of problems with SMS on my new phone and probably wouldn't have been able to reply...unless I rang them first? How weird, inconvenient...and potentially expensive is that? Never mind, I give thanks I'm still having fun with that crossword app!

Harmony is close

I give thanks for the witty and wise blog post I wrote earlier and then fumbly fingered deleted...I enjoyed it anyway!

I give thanks for promising myself an early start and getaway to get away to somewhere different and enjoy a couple of hours away from challenges and chores...and then for not beating myself up nor forcing myself when my body wasn't willing or able. I give thanks for getting the things that had to be done done anyway. Not always fun...but more fun than them not being done. I give thanks I took so long to ease my sore bits round them the sun came out again and I could take a tea break on the back beach. I give thanks for friendly local cab drivers for driving me around.

I give thanks for the drummer in the morning when he's just had his Weetabix...and maybe a strong cup of coffee! For the peace when that grinder ceases...and the shouty bangy neighbour goes out...and the local dogs stop barking at each other...and their owners stop barking too! 

For finding out the planes flying over I kept thinking must be Spitfires yesterday are...For finding out the unidentified frozen objects were both leftover part portions of tasty lentil curry...For someone sending me an equation that seems to suggest life is half happy and half sad. This means I have lots of happy still to come!

I give thanks for buskers - in general for the way they can a smile down a pavement - and specifically today for the pair who looked like scrubbed up Gallaghers and sang an old Stones song in Everly style harmonies...

This port in a storm

I don't know what the neighbours had for their tea last night but they suddenly went quiet and stayed so for hours! I give great thanks for sleeping with empty ears and open window...and hope they serve up some leftovers soon...

I give thanks for the rumbling thunder and straight falling rain, dark skies and flashes of lightning. For someone nearby wielding an angle grinder sensibly stopping during the morning storm so I could enjoy the sounds of the weather instead.

I give thanks for less pain to start this week though it's not been so gentle today. I give thanks for still being able to sort out the cupboard under the sink - mysteriously, considering it contains cleaning materials, often the dirtiest place in my home! I've lost my grip a few times over my hands which have been difficult to control with a stream of typos and wrong places clicked on, droppings and breakings and spillings, including tears of frustration...and then a few more at being such a wus...so I give thanks for giving up and napping a while this afternoon. 

I give thanks for someone seeing a pearly view of sky and sand they knew I'd enjoy and sending it to me. For having some Bodyshop bath melt to enjoy later...if I can just get the top off the jar!

Missing me

I give thanks for finding a new crossword app that kept me from thinking about the things that were keeping me from sleeping last night... And for thus waking much later than I have been lately and missing some thinking time then as well.

Running late all day, I missed the last of the pasties I thought I'd grab in town to make up give thanks for missing lunch so I gave thanks for finding some spare veg I'd cooked up and frozen some time ready for some quick pastafication. I must resist eating all the ready made pies...

According to my horoscope I might say all the wrong things today and I give thanks I've been trying to say them only in my head! It's been a day rich in niggles and frustrations...so I give thanks to Jenny for giving me a lift and for a few chuckles in the conversation at knitting, as well as during a message exchange with a vendor on eBay who seemed to share my sense of humour.

I give thanks for coming across news of the Cybathlon, an event putting technological aids for people with physical disabilities through competitive events including slicing bread, going up stairs and putting out the washing! If you don't get why this is important you are indeed most blessed...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-37196860

Wash this space

I give thanks that gradually a bit at a time I'm cleaning everything I can reach, washing everything that fits in the sink or machine. The more I do now the less I have to do later...well unless I leave it a very long time later of course. There's so much I can't fix but I can put grubby and messy right. For once I gave thanks I hardly ever have visitors as, for someone who likes clean and tidy, I sure can make and maintain a lot of mess in the meantime.

I give thanks thanks for getting rid of a two big bags of stuff in the recycling bins... and for getting a couple of food bargains in Waitrose. Over the next ten days I must do all the shopping I possibly can for a good few weeks afterwards. I give thanks Mr Tesco will help but I won't even want go downstairs and let him in when I first come out of hospital.

I give thanks for the sunshine and the stiff breeze whipping up little white wave tops. For all the folk out enjoying themselves with partners, friends, family...and dogs! For a few other solitary, not demonstrably enjoying themselves people so I didn't feel a complete freak.

8 years later

Eight years ago this afternoon I learned that I had cancer. I give thanks for all the other stuff I've learned since then...though most of it's not been what you'd want to read about on a gratitude blog. 

I've been pretty downhearted lately and today it's just been one dark thought after another, so I give thanks I've been alone and haven't had to act feeling chirpier than I am to make any one else feel better...or had anyone make me feel worse! I give thanks I honour and respect my emotions even the uncomfortable ones.

I give thanks for lying in bed this morning listening to the heavy rain fall. For a new chopping clock smelling of wood smoke. For an ice cream van tinkling Greensleeves... For being very gentle and undemanding of myself but somehow still getting a few things done...

Anti pathetic

I give thanks for an unexpected firework display last night! They were set off in an unexpected place as well and at first I couldn't work out where as the booms reverberated around and I could see the flashes reflected on the windows of houses across the estuary. But then I realised I just needed to lean a little further out of my own window as the rockets were exploding pretty much in line with the end of the terrace and there were lots of really very special sparkly things to watch and marvel at.

I give thanks for managing to get up and lean out of the window as my hip joints have been incredibly painful the last couple of days, and sitting, standing and walking are particularly hard to do. Other bits hurt as well of course but I'm grateful the brain can only really process what's going on in one or two places at once so my consciousness comes up with a variety of discomforts to focus on.

I give thanks for coming across information about a device that uses electromagnetic pulses to (allegedly) treat pain and inflammation safely (even for renal patients!) and for having a laugh at the autocorrect in someone's review talking about 'antipathy' working well instead. I give thanks for sending for a week's 'free trial' costing £4.95...and then getting an email from Sky saying they owed me £5!

I give thanks for sleeping better than I have done for a couple of weeks...and for having less stressy dreams. I dreamt I was visited by a baby giraffe, some new fledged spiky fluffy little birds including a blue tit with a comical down turn to the sides of its beak! There was also a wall of dark patterned paper which attracted a  thick dusting of pretty little butterflies or moths.

I give thanks for realising how much I was relying on someone to do something for me when I found out they were not. It's not a good idea for me to rely on people... It's good for me to trust though - to trust I can manage without people to rely on for a start!

I give thanks for meeting Laura for a cuppa and way too many buns...and seeing choirmaster David so many places in the end he stopped me and gave me a hug to satisfy my subconscious stalking.

I give thanks it's the weekend and I have nothing nice to look forward to so I can just be pathetic quietly by myself instead.

Asda be done!

I give thanks that busy heads can be settled down by means of tales. Last night even the bun dance of Bake Off was too much like reality so I disconnected all devices that connect me to the here and now and immersed myself in fiction. 

I give thanks that yesterday's mistiness gave way to sunshine for most of today...and for the mellow fruitfulness of laden apple and pear trees I passed on the bus.

As I've been promising myself some new kitchen bits and bobs when I eventually move from here, I give thanks for realising as we're not talking a complete Le Creuset set piling on the pounds and kilos there's no reason why I shouldn't treat myself to a few things beforehand actually. Some new tea towels and so on will cheer me up while I'm still here and make the place look so much more desirable to buy I'm sure. I give thanks for finding in Asda (after a long look on line so I knew to look) a brightly coloured bath towel  that will make three deliciously dirt hiding hand towels. I give thanks I'm not adverse to boiling up the peskily pale sort when they become stained but I do prefer rich colours and I've a soft spot for soft furnishings with my own stamp of style.

I give thanks for recently discovering the taste sensation that is an organic egg! Quite how I've missed these before I've no idea but I was particularly grateful to find some in Asda as I'd run out, and run out of pain perseverance to stop and shop here on the way home. I give thanks I'm not a regular customer though as there's always something there to remind me quite what a snob I am.

I give thanks for getting round to following up one one of the estate agent's visits last month by explaining there's no way I can proceed until I've recovered from surgery, and that I'm not sure I'll proceed with them anyway as one of their competitors quoted me a considerably smaller fee. I give thanks they've now quoted me a smaller one still. I've never sold a property but it's encouraging to know before I begin I seem to have grasped the basics.

I give thanks for making a very passable crumble using a tin of plums and a packet of ready made topping. Mary and Paul need never know...and besides a doctor told me I should feed myself up before I go in for my op. Not a doctor who's actually treating me, you understand, but one I like to listen to now and then...

Tea set

I give thanks for the sudden pretty sunset last night...you might have thought a bright day would follow a bright sky like that but it's been mostly swirly fog of various thickness instead. I give thanks I enjoy the muted, subdued atmosphere of mistiness...just right for mutely mulling over topics which are making me subdued. There are times when I really do appreciate not having many opportunities to 'open up' as it can be rather exasperating when you try to and people fail to grasp what you're trying to say...let alone respond in any way helpfully...

I give thanks that I didn't have to drive anywhere in the murkiness, nor encourage anyone who did...for the soft sunshine this evening now the clouds have cleared.

I give thanks for a long lie in with my many aches and pains and then tackling cleaning some kitchen cupboards - a satisfying task, and one that can be regularly left while surfaces thoroughly dry before objects are returned. I give thanks for idling on the internet and then taking a dustpan and brush to worst of the muck in the communal entrance hall as the management company continue to fail to manage organising a cleaner, and carrying a vacuum down all those stairs would be beyond me just now.

I give thanks I made myself some proper lunch - green lentil stew with some rarely allowed potatoes. Proper tasty it was, and as I'm now utterly exhausted I can just grab a snack for tea...

Seams so

I give thanks for finally getting out of doors to do some of what had to be done...and for getting on line to do some more...

For a few quick hello, how are yous with people I know about the town...For the palpable sense of increased calm and contentment now the 'high' season has tapered off. 

I give thanks for the letter confirming my hospital admission arriving, and for confirming I can be there by 7.30 am as requested if I catch the first bus from here. For fretting a little about how I will get home again when discharged, remembering many fruitless phone calls in the past to friends who are otherwise busily engaged...and remembering, somehow, I've always managed to scrape something together in the end even if I've had to sit in a corridor for a few hours first.

I give thanks for applying myself to the seamier side of life...joining bits of woven and knitted fabric including parts of this garment I don't know quite the name of to comfortably cover up undressedness on the ward without pressure on bits that won't want to be pressed. I give thanks for finding the lovely soft printed lawn, lining and binding on line...and perfect match trim in my lace drawer!

Water sorts

Last night, brain numbed by tiredness and noise I went out onto the landing in a quieter patch, not sure if I could face the ferocious temper of the perpetrator by requesting it be less intrusive, and the strangest thing happened...it all went really, really silent! Obviously I was very grateful for this, but also rather nonplussed, as I certainly wasn't going to knock on their door and say 'Can you carry on being this quiet please?' I give thanks for covering my confusion by deciding to investigate a drip catcher where there's a leak in a cupboard and finding it full enough to need emptying immediately but not so full it couldn't be moved...perfect timing really.

I give thanks for more peace following for a long soak in my big wallowy bath and a very early night...plus a very late lie in. I give thanks for tackling some washing of self, clothes and dishes since I've been up, some unpacking and putting away...

I give thanks for otherwise spending the day exploring levels of fatigue that will be useful to have some recent experience of after surgery. For practicing doing very little at all...and practising not feeling I should be doing more. For reading and a little light catch up of catch up TV including the most excellent Out-laws. For an unexpected unexpectedly long and friendly email from someone I'd thought I'd never hear from again. For the sound of Rachel's key in the lock...

Keep plugging away

I give thanks for a drab grey day to come home on - always the best weather for the last day of a holiday, well unless you are leaving very late in it of course. I give thanks we got up early enough for our early departure...and that we'd already booked a cab!

I give thanks for people watching and wave watching...and a bit of inside of the eyelid watching in our cabin for me too.

I give thanks for my lovely flat to come home to, and crawling straight into my comfy bed! I give thanks that my poor angry unhappy neighbour has been quiet for a few minutes here and there...and that the sound of her throwing furniture around has convinced me maybe not to go and knock on the door tonight and politely ask her to be a bit quieter.

I give thanks for my earplugs... and my bath plug!

French letter

I give thanks for refreshing mizzly rain last night, but it not putting us off going out for a delicious crêpe supper.

For waking to blue sky and sea...and a lorikeet wanting breakfast enough to nibble apple delicately from my hand.

I give thanks for travellers in far flung places reading my blog today. I'm touched they still think it's worth taking the time to see what I have to say. For Facebook reminding me what I was doing a year ago today... For the person I was doing it with being so much happier now - one out of two ain't bad!

I give thanks for a late lie in...and a hotel serving a great  selection of continental late breakfast offerings! For the energy for a walk and a bed with a beautiful view for a sleep when I used it all. For a selection of tasty mini pastries with olive, pesto and caramelised onion fillings for a take away lunch. For more crêpes and parakeets later... But resisting the chocolate offerings...

Ici does it

Bonjour mes amis !  Comment allez-vous ? Nous sommes arrivés et je suis très contente ici en France avec la fenêtre de grande vista de la mer... Or something of that nature...you're a cultured bunch so I'm sure you get the gist and will be too polite to point out my grammatical errors.

I give thanks for managing to find things to eat that are acceptable to our tastebuds even if not strictly adhering to our diets - crêpes! pâtisserie ! For the aforementioned fenêtre being a huge glassed hole in a wall the high tide laps against. Très tranquille !  For the hall carpet that matches when the water is low...

For the beauty and neatness of this little town often driven away from... For getting up to see what bird was squeaking so loudly so nearby and finding a small bright coloured parrakeet on the window sill.

Block and tackle

I give thanks for waking up from the kind of busy dreams you have when you try to block thoughts during the day but your subconscious mind insists on dealing with anyway. I'm not a worrier, but I do like to have a plan and sometimes that means a lot of thinking...and rethinking...and then rethinking all over again.

Actually I woke up several times, and I give thanks this meant I woke up at getting up time tired...otherwise I might have rushed around trying to do too much too quickly.

I give thanks for things to do to do with going on another little trip...For my train being delayed but that the connecting one was delayed behind it so I could still catch it. For during the delay realising Jan would be on the connecting train so I could walk down it the carriages and find her instead of meeting at the station.

I give thanks I'm not far from a bed as I'm  very sleepy... and, as I'm on intermittent internet, I  give thanks if I manage to upload this.