Sorely tempted

Just when I was losing hope of release I give thanks for sleep rescuing me from frets and fears of last night. For dreams neither too miserable...nor so happy that waking up was! I don't know about you, but I have a little five second recce just after I open my eyes regarding what page I'm on in the story of my life - What plates am I spinning? Which ones have just dropped? Which ones have smashed into sharp edged shards I must tread carefully over, and which ones have just tipped something messy somewhere hard to clean up? Lately I barely have time to draw a breath before I remember something or other I'd rather forget, and have to scour the corners of my mind to find a thought less depressing. Today a rug I'd taken a fancy popped into it...and I gave great thanks when I realised I had acquired such rug and it was awaiting my appreciation and admiration when I dragged myself out of bed!

I give thanks for the scenery seen from the top deck of the bus...especially the drifts of cyclamen under some of the trees. For accepting the impracticality of treating myself to some consolation prize treat in the city as the timing wasn't great...and then finding a second hand top to treat myself to in the charity shop on the hospital site! On the whole I tend to doubt the wisdom of taking comfort in material stuff, but as my first choice pick-me-up of exalting experience is becoming more problematic to provide, it's something when something makes me smile...

I give thanks for forgetting to take with a pinch of salt the sugar coated version of what would happen next given to me by the consultant...so that I walked quite jauntily down the long corridor to the next department where a nurse said 'Oh, no! That's not the way it is...have these bitter pills instead!' (well metaphorically anyway...) I give thanks my little wound looks very neat and not scary, and that the snickety niggly pain I have seems to be just the wiry sutures tweaking my delicate flesh. Shame I can't have them out just yet...and that when I could I probably cannot either unless I could just 'pop in' to a minor injuries unit or wait a very long time in an A & E.  Even more of a shame the procedure hasn't worked though, so I've got more very untempting attempts to go through yet...

Splashing out

Yay! Something happened the way it was 'supposed to'...and as this was something to do with partially alleviating the effects of a lot of things that didn't, I am very grateful indeed!

I give thanks for a busy morning trying to prepare for something else turning out OK-ish, busy with forms and paperwork.

For a pleasant afternoon weatherwise and Mima and her daughter taking me out on little shopping trip where I bought a new rug I'd been coveting. I tried to carry it very carefully (and Annabel helped in the end for which I was also grateful) but it was opening a door with the arm I'm not supposed to use as the other one was busy with the rug that upset my wound and made it bleed a bit again. It really does make everything very complicated trying to excuse it from all exertion. They should send you home with minions, never mind new dressings!

It's not looking good for taking up some upcoming opportunities to swim, and I'm not very grateful about that... I feel I should follow that with a 'Never mind, at least... ' sort of comment but I can't think of one. Oh well, never mind... I give thanks at least I tried.

I couldn't have one of those exceedingly good ice creams as they'll probably test my blood tomorrow, so I give thanks for a budget cream tea to share in the coach party ready acres of screwed down canteen seating. For sharing some less than appreciative views of these and other 'attractions' and facilities. They do sell exceedingly good rugs that my budget can stretch to though!

I give thanks for being on the receiving end of a few kind thoughts and deeds. Particular thanks for the ones from Bob...and for making people laugh in the doctor's about something rather sad. With so many big things going wrong no one can fix for me, even the littlest considerations and good intentions mean a lot just now.

I give thanks I nearly made soup last night so I'm off to finish it off in a bit...after I've sorted out my new rug (ready to get splashed no doubt!) I give thanks I've been practising using the vacuum one handed.

Fumble abode

Well, I give thanks the knock me sideways news this morning wasn't medical for a change. It's useful to be reminded of all the other ways a life can be in disarray, to remember all things are always liable to change and you'd do best not rely on anything turning out the way you think it might. I believe this is what some people mean when they say I have 'trust issues' and that I'm bringing it all on myself. No, trust me, if I had that much influence over events I would be inundated with abundance and comfort and joy! In the meantime I give thanks for trying to focus on the fact that though what I've heard definitely doesn't bode well...it's not actually gone bad yet.

I give thanks for Rachel coming last night and giving me a great treatment including use of a tuning fork thingy she got from the gong lady at the yoga/meditation weekend I couldn't go to. That she enthusiastically ate the rather lame meal I had prepared...and attended to the washing up, drying up and putting away afterwards! Don't know which bit of what she did did the trick but I've been feeling a lot better today, and give a lot of thanks for that.

I give thanks for my operated on arm feeling more 'normal' too, well within the bounds of what normal is for that one anyway...and that, beset by so many problems nothing but so much more money could make less problematic I fear, I decided to potter about making 'free' and easy things for the upcoming sale from odds and ends of fabric, haberdashery and beads. I give thanks for my creative energy, which may not be as much use as many other sorts, but which has given me (and a whole lot of other people) pleasure over the years. I give thanks for chuckling at a notion that came into my head as the idea and the actuality of these took shape - 'I missed my true vocation in life' I thought, 'I should have been a craftsperson', forgetting for a moment that I was!

One weak later

I give thanks for remembering a week ago I was gleefully swimming, and talking about buying an inflatable dinghy to play around with. I feel so feeble today I must admit this presumably abandoned piece of kit looked rather desirable instead... I give thanks for noticing if you look closely it seems as if there's a creature's face on the side of the wheelie bin!

I give thanks though my head keeps telling me I haven't the energy to put one foot in front of the other, my feet have been doing just that, and very s-l-o-w-l-y got me to town and back. I give thanks for not getting rained on...and for sitting on the seafront with a cup of tea summoning some strength for more footsteps whilst watching the ragged storm clouds trail across the horizon.

I give thanks I think Rachel is coming this evening to share some food and give me a quick acupuncture treatment. I give thanks I know I don't know for sure...

Clinging on

I give thanks for a sofa so good afternoon today, snoozing in front of the TV after providing myself with brunch of pancakes and a late lunch of dhal. For keeping attempting to keep on top of the washing up...though it's always just slightly ahead as I keep on having one more cuppa, or one more cuppa and snack!

I give thanks for managing a reasonable job with the cling film at bath time, though not well enough to a actually have my arm in the water of course, which was a little complicated (as was getting in and out without using it for leverage or support)... but I gave thanks it was a whole lot easier than when I wasn't allowed to get my back more than slightly damp. I had a little epiphany looking at back at the last however many years of my life and thinking 'Journey? I'm not on a journey...I've not been anywhere, I've been kidnapped and held hostage!'

It's strange how some people think you're a bit less of a person if your body is broken or weak or wearing out, and can't do the things that they can...  because in the end everyone's body will be and just carrying on, albeit cack-handedly, with the challenges of unremarkable every day life when yours is challenging you makes you more of a superhuman than a substandard one.

I give thanks for working out what to do with the giant spider in the bath, knowing it would drown or die of cold outside in the rain - I released it onto the communal landing. And just about managed to scuttle back inside the door before it did.

I give thanks for managing a little bit of gentle craft work. Every so often my arm reminds me quite forcably there's been some recent brutality to take into account, but on the whole if I don't force it it's not too bad.

Don't mind if I do

The most wonderful thing about yesterday didn't happen until very late. I went to bed and fell straight to sleep before any rituals, procedures or practicalities...even turning out the light! I can always sleep for England after a general anaesthetic but a few locals in my arm seems to have had the same effect too...I guess it's my body trying to recover, from both the stress and the invasion.

I give thanks for trying to get on with stuff despite the tenderness and awkwardness. A light load of washing done...and, one handed, my hair not only washed but detangled afterwards! I give thanks for conditioner...For getting the rubbish and recycling out and a quick walk down to the sea and back to see how it felt to be outdoors, For a baggy sleeved hoodie covering up the large foam sausage on my elbow.

For Mima bringing me cake and the Ladybird book of Mindfulness to cheer me up, and helping me work out how to wrap my arm in clingfilm which is what I've been told to do in order to have a bath... Nobody said it was easy...

I give thanks Keeping On Keeping On has finally arrived electronically and free!

No change

I give thanks for the bright sunshiny day. I was supposed to be going away for the weekend to somewhere rather scenic, I'm told, so thanks too for imagining the feeling of optimism the good weather probably gives the other people who are still going or gone. For all the folk having happier times than me...heavens, I wish the neighbours were, they've been hard work the last couple of days...

For getting some sleep in the night...and when some crashing about upstairs awoke me (earplugs being tricksy things just now), for listening to the calling owls after it stopped. For rising to the challenge of assuaging my ravenous appetite within the bounds of what I'm allowed to eat and can be bothered to produce. And because I'm feeling rather sad and tearful, I give thanks I'm also very tired today so I can snatch little naps and not feel anything at all.

I give thanks for my arm not hurting as much as I feared it might do, for finding ways to deal with some of the inconveniences of its reduced abilities. For at least trying to get my head around the ones for which there is no work around... For managing at last to hack those bracelets off, and put on some normal clothes. I should probably think about changing my dressing...I give thanks it's not become urgent yet so I can chicken out!