...that have also made me smile since previous post...
* a steam train's whistle
* a ship's foghorn
* funny voice-overs and a few bars of the Only One's Another Girl on Come Dine With Me
Sunday, 31 July 2011
Less is more
Well, my next gratitude of the day is that I made cauliflower cheese earlier ready for my tea as I knew I had to get some odds and ends from the local supermarket and suspected wouldn't feel up to much afterwards. They didn't have half of the things on my list which is quite normal for that particular shop. It has extra wide aisles partly to spread out the sparse range of stock and partly so kids can run amok on their scooters whilst their bemused parents walk round trying to find plan b) ingredients when the plan a) ones aren't on the shelves. Sometimes they have to give up on plan b) too. I'm not talking about exotic things...this quite large chain supermarket has been known to be out of carrots! Actually I'm going to make my local supermarket another gratitude of the day because it's so funny!
Having only a light bag to carry I thought I'd just about make it past the taxi rank and down a short street to the sea front but it was horribly crowded on the promenade and I was feeling horribly achey and unwell so I hobbled back to the taxi rank...to find all the cabs had gone. I leant against a lamp post trying not to make pathetic wipering noises but none came and I didn't have my phone so I couldn't call one. I figured there was no way I could walk back up the hill in that state so I went and got an enormous rum and raisin ice-cream and sat down and ate it very slowly looking at the waves and then walked back up the hill! So more gratitude for not having a bag full of groceries but a body full of resilience to get what I did have home.
We all have this resilience of course, I'm not superhuman just superbly positioned to push myself more than many people do and I'm grateful for that too! Don't get me wrong, I don't mean I wouldn't like to be looked after and supported and nurtured and helped, I'd LOVE it!!! I just mean not being gives me a glimpse of the true strength most of us never tap into because we never have the need so never have know it's there.
Enough philosophy for one day...I'm off to watch TV!
Having only a light bag to carry I thought I'd just about make it past the taxi rank and down a short street to the sea front but it was horribly crowded on the promenade and I was feeling horribly achey and unwell so I hobbled back to the taxi rank...to find all the cabs had gone. I leant against a lamp post trying not to make pathetic wipering noises but none came and I didn't have my phone so I couldn't call one. I figured there was no way I could walk back up the hill in that state so I went and got an enormous rum and raisin ice-cream and sat down and ate it very slowly looking at the waves and then walked back up the hill! So more gratitude for not having a bag full of groceries but a body full of resilience to get what I did have home.
We all have this resilience of course, I'm not superhuman just superbly positioned to push myself more than many people do and I'm grateful for that too! Don't get me wrong, I don't mean I wouldn't like to be looked after and supported and nurtured and helped, I'd LOVE it!!! I just mean not being gives me a glimpse of the true strength most of us never tap into because we never have the need so never have know it's there.
Enough philosophy for one day...I'm off to watch TV!
Beyond the feels we know
This morning my spirit feels very weak and small. It felt big and strong yesterday...maybe I used up some of today's supply too. The feeling I'm trying to describe is not the same as being physically weak or emotionally depressed although they often appear in combination. Those with Eastern beliefs would tell me I'm talking (inexpertly) about chi. Those with purely Western knowledge would look up chi and say 'twaddle'! Try to allow yourself openness to all aspects of what is. There's no need to cling to one side or the other or feel stuck in the middle...be grateful for the rounded perspective!
Light has the properties of both a particle and a wave...look at a yin-yang symbol for an artistic representation of the scientific truth of duality. Remember the secret of happiness is revealed on a bleach bottle...to stand upright and in a cool place. To the untrained eye I may appear to be lying in bed curled protectively around all manner of achey breaky organs but inside I'm standing upright in a cool place. Well actually inside I'm dancing...and so are you!
Today I'm expressing gratitude that we know already more than we could ever learn, that we are already more than we could ever strive to be, that we have already more than we could ever yearn to find.
Light has the properties of both a particle and a wave...look at a yin-yang symbol for an artistic representation of the scientific truth of duality. Remember the secret of happiness is revealed on a bleach bottle...to stand upright and in a cool place. To the untrained eye I may appear to be lying in bed curled protectively around all manner of achey breaky organs but inside I'm standing upright in a cool place. Well actually inside I'm dancing...and so are you!
Today I'm expressing gratitude that we know already more than we could ever learn, that we are already more than we could ever strive to be, that we have already more than we could ever yearn to find.
Saturday, 30 July 2011
Blue room
So, yes, thirdly I give thanks for my soothing blue smooth away the blues bathroom. Even though I can't wallow in my deliciously deep bath any more any bathroom activity is enhanced by this lovely room...to say nothing of the property value!.
Lots of curvy shapes...very sensuous! And a high ceiling so that altho still a very small room with no window it feels very spacious and light. I'll have to take a pic of my shell mirror again. I had some on a phone I lost but couldn't find any in my laptop files just now...
Fourthly I'm grateful for some 'classic' afternoon TV...compellingly cringeworthy Tots and Tiaras and a laugh out loud funny episode of Come Dine With Me.
And finally for catching sight through my bedroom window of a tanker lining up to manouvre into the harbour so that I could get my binoculars and get settled in time for the pilot boat to go out and meet it to guide it through through the chicanes of sandbanks each side of the narrow navigable channel. I can only see the first stages of this from my flat of course but it's still a treat for weirdos like me! Being on the shore when they come in and out is awesome. They pass so close to the picnicers and fishermen and people in tiny boats. If I'm down there near high tide I often look to see if there's one on the way and loiter, and I'm not alone. And if one gets stuck, as does happen once in a while, quite a large crowd turns out to watch at the next high tide when they get the tugs to push and pull to release her. It's only a small town...we must get out kicks where we can ha ha!
Sparkle motion
Slow to post today...novelty's wearing off, don't think I'll bother any more... Only joking!!! You'll just have to stop logging on if you don't want to hear what I have to say...
My first gratitude for today actually came last night when I realised (too late to persinally attend) that part of the carnival festivities was a firework display. It seemed to be on the shore and as I'm on the third floor and part of the way up the hill I could see some of it courtesy of height alone but as the trees are in full leaf not all of it and there were a few minutes while I dithered as to whether it was worth trying to find somewhere nearby at ground level where I would have a better view but as I didn't know where exactly nor how long the display would last I decided to appreciate the sparkes of coloured lights glinging through the foliage light multi coloured fairy lights and the bigger rockets bursting above. The finale was very good with lots of the latter so I was pretty happy.
Secondly I give thanks for getting cleaning my bathroom. Now I've realised how good I am at the task compared to some people I get extra satisfaction for doing it! In the past I've taken part time jobs with cleaning companies and having to get a certain number of things properly and noticably clean in a set time does teach you to be both efficient and quick. You also learn how to achieve 'noticable'. For instance, just in case you didn't know, rubbing chrome taps etc with a bit of damp loo roll makes them sparkly and smear free and makes your whole ablution area seem smarter and more luxurious.
It helps if you have a lush bathroom already. Mine is small but perfectly formed...you wanna see?
Oh no! My mistake! That's the bathroom before it got the angelic makeover! Pretty grim huh! Would you buy a flat with a bathroom like that? No?
After tea I'll show you the 'after' pics...
My first gratitude for today actually came last night when I realised (too late to persinally attend) that part of the carnival festivities was a firework display. It seemed to be on the shore and as I'm on the third floor and part of the way up the hill I could see some of it courtesy of height alone but as the trees are in full leaf not all of it and there were a few minutes while I dithered as to whether it was worth trying to find somewhere nearby at ground level where I would have a better view but as I didn't know where exactly nor how long the display would last I decided to appreciate the sparkes of coloured lights glinging through the foliage light multi coloured fairy lights and the bigger rockets bursting above. The finale was very good with lots of the latter so I was pretty happy.
Secondly I give thanks for getting cleaning my bathroom. Now I've realised how good I am at the task compared to some people I get extra satisfaction for doing it! In the past I've taken part time jobs with cleaning companies and having to get a certain number of things properly and noticably clean in a set time does teach you to be both efficient and quick. You also learn how to achieve 'noticable'. For instance, just in case you didn't know, rubbing chrome taps etc with a bit of damp loo roll makes them sparkly and smear free and makes your whole ablution area seem smarter and more luxurious.
After tea I'll show you the 'after' pics...
Friday, 29 July 2011
Whatever floats your boat
The sounds of the town carnival are wafting up the hill again. It's the procession tonight but there's been stuff going on all week...loud crowded stuff, great if you're in the mood but I've not been. I'm looking forward to the water carnival in our alter ego community across the water tho. They have boats as floats and do a circuit round the harbour. Brilliant! I've never come across anything quite like it.
I went for a Reiki healing earlier. Some months back I got a 2 for 1 treatment voucher for a local therapist and thought I'd share it with Laura...She had a massage but the lady was worried she might 'spread the cancer round my body', and I might sue, if I had reflexology which was what I really wanted or any other hands-on treatment. I tried explaining that a) these therapies are regularly offered at cancer centres (I've had them in two places myself) and b) if my condition worsened, even if I did blame her I'd be in no fit state to get involved in lengthy legal proceedings anyway, but she was adamant. So I went for Reiki in two minds as to whether someone with such a negative attitude would do it well...but she was very good. Laura enjoyed her massage too and took me for a cup of tea and a biscuit in her garden afterwards. Tea made for me! Sitting in a garden! Extra therapeutic treatment ha ha!
So a pleasant afternoon is my third gratitude for the day...and my fourth is oven chips! I buy the sort that are just potatoes with their skins on and a little bit sunflower oil. Very nice! Lastly I'm grateful for the look of the new Sky series about Brixham. The accompanying narration is awful...especially the snatches of really bad poetry read in a really exaggerated 'poetry voice' implying deep meaning and or eloquence I guess...when there really is none there!
I went for a Reiki healing earlier. Some months back I got a 2 for 1 treatment voucher for a local therapist and thought I'd share it with Laura...She had a massage but the lady was worried she might 'spread the cancer round my body', and I might sue, if I had reflexology which was what I really wanted or any other hands-on treatment. I tried explaining that a) these therapies are regularly offered at cancer centres (I've had them in two places myself) and b) if my condition worsened, even if I did blame her I'd be in no fit state to get involved in lengthy legal proceedings anyway, but she was adamant. So I went for Reiki in two minds as to whether someone with such a negative attitude would do it well...but she was very good. Laura enjoyed her massage too and took me for a cup of tea and a biscuit in her garden afterwards. Tea made for me! Sitting in a garden! Extra therapeutic treatment ha ha!
So a pleasant afternoon is my third gratitude for the day...and my fourth is oven chips! I buy the sort that are just potatoes with their skins on and a little bit sunflower oil. Very nice! Lastly I'm grateful for the look of the new Sky series about Brixham. The accompanying narration is awful...especially the snatches of really bad poetry read in a really exaggerated 'poetry voice' implying deep meaning and or eloquence I guess...when there really is none there!
Morning nap
Well, it's 10.45...I woke up about three hours ago and have been getting steadily sleepier ever since. If it weren't for the neighbourhood drummer's intermittent bursts of activity I'd have dozed off again for sure. People often say I keep very active for someone with my various health problems but this is basically because a) if I don't do things myself they don't get done and b) my energy levels are so erratic...if I feel capable of doing something it's best to do it asap not assume another opportunity may come. Today even swype typing on my phone is painful and tiring. I've made a cuppa and a slice of toast and come back to bed and now I think I'm going to sacrifice the gentle breeze wafting through my window, batten down the noise hatches and have a little doze.
Firstly today I'm grateful for peanut butter. Spreadable protein in a jar...how good is that? And secondly for double glazing and ear plugs for muffling unwanted sounds.
Firstly today I'm grateful for peanut butter. Spreadable protein in a jar...how good is that? And secondly for double glazing and ear plugs for muffling unwanted sounds.
Thursday, 28 July 2011
Smelling of roses
As predicted the sun came through the clouds just when I wanted it to ie. just after I'd finish my trek to and around the library and to an office I also needed to go to further up the hill behind it. Then I was able to do a little slomo trip to the seafront to enjoy an ice cream and a cup of tea on a seat away from the busiest and noisiest part of the melee. Hazy and cooler again now so quite content to be stuck to the sofa again...
My third thanks for the day is for the rather nice herbaceous border below our biggest supermarket opposite a older terrace there. You can park your car in front of sunflowers and hollyhocks peeping over the fence while you get your groceries, or if you're not driving you can walk past a colourful mixed display including rose bushes luxurious bloom. I rarely get close enough to a growing rose to smell it...so being able to dip my nose into the velvety petals was a wonderful treat! It inspired me to buy a couple of bunches of very un-floristy flowers from a great little independent greengrocer's in the town and a new vase to put them in as they were the wrong shape for my little or big ones and now I have a medium size one as well.
My fourth gratitude is for seeing Exmoor ponies and dancing deer and a real black adder (I'd not realised they actually existed!) and crickets and slow worms and toads! All these on a nature programme of course but it's lovely to see British wildlife anyhow...
And finally I'm grateful for feeling a little better than I did yesterday and a lot better than the wee small hours of this morning. Still can't summon up much of an appetite but as woman cannot live on ice cream alone I'm going to see if I can make some quick, easy and tasty food and eat it!
My third thanks for the day is for the rather nice herbaceous border below our biggest supermarket opposite a older terrace there. You can park your car in front of sunflowers and hollyhocks peeping over the fence while you get your groceries, or if you're not driving you can walk past a colourful mixed display including rose bushes luxurious bloom. I rarely get close enough to a growing rose to smell it...so being able to dip my nose into the velvety petals was a wonderful treat! It inspired me to buy a couple of bunches of very un-floristy flowers from a great little independent greengrocer's in the town and a new vase to put them in as they were the wrong shape for my little or big ones and now I have a medium size one as well.
My fourth gratitude is for seeing Exmoor ponies and dancing deer and a real black adder (I'd not realised they actually existed!) and crickets and slow worms and toads! All these on a nature programme of course but it's lovely to see British wildlife anyhow...
And finally I'm grateful for feeling a little better than I did yesterday and a lot better than the wee small hours of this morning. Still can't summon up much of an appetite but as woman cannot live on ice cream alone I'm going to see if I can make some quick, easy and tasty food and eat it!
No pain no gain
This morning I'm grateful that last night's medical drama didn't turn into a crisis. I'll spare you the details but had a painful and scary patch patch around 3 am which is the worst time to have them I always think, in the limbo between one day and the next when even the feasibility of getting help is in question should you think it's required. I'm quite a tough cookie really and if I'm frightened there's good reason to be. I rallied though, of course, or I wouldn't be writing this...and seem to be mended again and not be permanently damaged. Well not any more than I was beforehand anyway! Or not any more than I can tell which is all that matters anyway.
Watched a documentary last night about a 13 yr old girl who had for a long time declined a heart transplant that everyone thought she 'should' have. Her reasons were so lucid and valid but a doctor who was sure he knew better stepped in and (anti)social services tried to have her taken into care. She convinced them to leave her and her supportive family alone though...explaining she was perfectly aware she would die without the operation but had no fear of that and as long as she was feeling relatively well she didn't want to be spoiling her life quality with more time in hospital. Even if the tests show my heart's not working properly I must be stronger than people say or I woudn't still be here, she said. There are different kinds of strength, some of which you only find in the most dire of circumstances. My second gratitude of the day is that I know how strong I can be in those. I'd never have found out if I'd had an easier life would I? Oh yes, and I'm sure you'll all be relieved to here the young girl lived long enough to come to her own decision in her own good time to have the transplant and it was successful.
Now I must go and wash my hair which isn't something many people thought I'd live long enough to say ha ha!
Watched a documentary last night about a 13 yr old girl who had for a long time declined a heart transplant that everyone thought she 'should' have. Her reasons were so lucid and valid but a doctor who was sure he knew better stepped in and (anti)social services tried to have her taken into care. She convinced them to leave her and her supportive family alone though...explaining she was perfectly aware she would die without the operation but had no fear of that and as long as she was feeling relatively well she didn't want to be spoiling her life quality with more time in hospital. Even if the tests show my heart's not working properly I must be stronger than people say or I woudn't still be here, she said. There are different kinds of strength, some of which you only find in the most dire of circumstances. My second gratitude of the day is that I know how strong I can be in those. I'd never have found out if I'd had an easier life would I? Oh yes, and I'm sure you'll all be relieved to here the young girl lived long enough to come to her own decision in her own good time to have the transplant and it was successful.
Now I must go and wash my hair which isn't something many people thought I'd live long enough to say ha ha!
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
TV test
Have been feeling several sorts of rough today, none of which appear obviously related to getting out and about in recent times. Gave the symptoms the 'doing something to distract you' treatment which seemed to make them worse so I moved on to the daytime TV test and have decided they are probably reactions to the antibiotics I'm taking... If you're properly well or seriously ill watching scheduled TV in the day has little appeal but if you're middling poorly it can seem just right...not too boring, or too lively and loud. It doesn't strain your eyes like a up close screen or your brain like a book, and you can fall asleep and it doesn't matter! In fact the fact that it often turns into nap is probably makes it even more therapeutic. So for my third gratitude of the day I give thanks for daytime TV. We didn't used to have it and we tend not to appreciate it now we do but it does serve a purpose sometimes.
Fourthly I'm grateful for the things I'd recorded in livelier times...especially amazing (and delightfully Northern English) illusionist Dynamo. And thank you to Clive for telling me about him! And for all the episodes of CSI I never got to watch before. I couldn't regularly get reception of anything but the basic terrestrial channels til the digital switch but knew it was something I was missing that I'd enjoy...Now I still have shedloads to catch up on and there's at least one episode on somewhere every day!
And lastly I give thanks for ironing a clean sheet to put on my bed after spilling my morning tea on the previous one. I know the stain wasn't smelly or sticky or even unsightly most of the time but I'd have seen it before I lay down for the night and felt uncared for, and now I won't. Do unto yourself as you would have others do to you...
Fourthly I'm grateful for the things I'd recorded in livelier times...especially amazing (and delightfully Northern English) illusionist Dynamo. And thank you to Clive for telling me about him! And for all the episodes of CSI I never got to watch before. I couldn't regularly get reception of anything but the basic terrestrial channels til the digital switch but knew it was something I was missing that I'd enjoy...Now I still have shedloads to catch up on and there's at least one episode on somewhere every day!
And lastly I give thanks for ironing a clean sheet to put on my bed after spilling my morning tea on the previous one. I know the stain wasn't smelly or sticky or even unsightly most of the time but I'd have seen it before I lay down for the night and felt uncared for, and now I won't. Do unto yourself as you would have others do to you...
Slow start
Today I am predictably tired and achey. I'm so glad that it's cooler and mostly cloudy at the moment and I don't feel that sense of 'wasting a good day' which every British person knows and especially every one who's aware there's a limited supply! That's my first gratitude of the day, anyway...that I don't feel any pressure from the weather to do anything at all. There are chores of course...there are always chores... and things I'd like to finish...like this bowl of delicious organic cherries I have by my side! Gratitude number two!
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Every last drop
Talking about coach trips reminded me of a free one I 'won' a few years back. There's always a catch isn't there? In this case you had to either pay a single supplement or pay to take a companion...or share rooms with a stranger! Luckily I managed to persuade a work colleague to come with me and enjoy a mini tour of France, Belgium, Switzerland, Italy and Germany...all in less than a week! We were quite rebellious I remember and declined some of the guided tours and pre booked meals and wandered about on our own a bit which suited us better. We even had a Macdonald's in Venice as she was fed up with foreign food!
I picked up a brochure of our local tour company and they do do some mini breaks but Monday to Friday mostly which is awkward with my weekly medical maintenance sessions. Oh well, we'll see...the feeling of capability may run out before I think of something extra special to do with it. After acupuncture today I got the ferry across the river to the very different little town on the opposite bank. Just had an ice cream and sat on the sand watching the astonishing array of water craft crowding around the mouth of the river, motor boats of all sizes, rowing boats, canoes and kayaks of various sorts, speed boats and jet skis and yachts, even a paddle boarder...plus swimmers and fishermen to add to the mix, hardly a spare bit of water to be found! And hardly a spare bit of energy now...Will it be back again tomorrow? I have no way to tell...
So my third gratitude of the day is for having somewhere so different to visit just a few minutes across the water. And my fourth for comforting hugs from Rachel and Laura and a sense of a virual one from Lynn. And my fifth for hydrangeas...they are looking so beautiful just now. For some reason I tend to get their name mixed up with rhododendrons' though I'm perfectly aware it's a different plant and which is which. I've been making the mistake since I was about eight and learnt their names...or didn't you could say!
I picked up a brochure of our local tour company and they do do some mini breaks but Monday to Friday mostly which is awkward with my weekly medical maintenance sessions. Oh well, we'll see...the feeling of capability may run out before I think of something extra special to do with it. After acupuncture today I got the ferry across the river to the very different little town on the opposite bank. Just had an ice cream and sat on the sand watching the astonishing array of water craft crowding around the mouth of the river, motor boats of all sizes, rowing boats, canoes and kayaks of various sorts, speed boats and jet skis and yachts, even a paddle boarder...plus swimmers and fishermen to add to the mix, hardly a spare bit of water to be found! And hardly a spare bit of energy now...Will it be back again tomorrow? I have no way to tell...
So my third gratitude of the day is for having somewhere so different to visit just a few minutes across the water. And my fourth for comforting hugs from Rachel and Laura and a sense of a virual one from Lynn. And my fifth for hydrangeas...they are looking so beautiful just now. For some reason I tend to get their name mixed up with rhododendrons' though I'm perfectly aware it's a different plant and which is which. I've been making the mistake since I was about eight and learnt their names...or didn't you could say!
Mid Whales
Busy with (mostly tedious) things and my head's all over the place today...just realised I hadn't posted any thankfulnesses yet!
Frustration notwithstanding I am grateful for feeling relatively well at the moment...for having aching muscles because I've used them, for having a yearning to make them ache again when I've recovered a little. Years ago I walked from Little London in mid Wales to the big one that's the capital of the country by rambling routes...302 miles I think it was...and no, I wasn't home in time for tea!
Frustration notwothstanding I'm also grateful for wanderlust which has taken me so many lovely places and still pops off to them now and beckons me enticingly. People have suggested coach trips but I haven't found any that go from near here and are less than a week. A week would be too much for me...having to get up early for a full English and driving to scenic towns and shopping outlets before the nightly entertainment.
I'm wondering if I could get to Portsmouth and get on a two day whale and dolphin seeking trip with Brittany Ferries. I used to go with them to Santander quite often and absolutely loved having sea all around on the way and eat if and when you want self service. Some people's idea of hell I know but a good deal more like heaven to me than the full English option
Frustration notwithstanding I am grateful for feeling relatively well at the moment...for having aching muscles because I've used them, for having a yearning to make them ache again when I've recovered a little. Years ago I walked from Little London in mid Wales to the big one that's the capital of the country by rambling routes...302 miles I think it was...and no, I wasn't home in time for tea!
Frustration notwothstanding I'm also grateful for wanderlust which has taken me so many lovely places and still pops off to them now and beckons me enticingly. People have suggested coach trips but I haven't found any that go from near here and are less than a week. A week would be too much for me...having to get up early for a full English and driving to scenic towns and shopping outlets before the nightly entertainment.
I'm wondering if I could get to Portsmouth and get on a two day whale and dolphin seeking trip with Brittany Ferries. I used to go with them to Santander quite often and absolutely loved having sea all around on the way and eat if and when you want self service. Some people's idea of hell I know but a good deal more like heaven to me than the full English option
Monday, 25 July 2011
Missing in action
When you've spent a lot of time with someone over several years you can become fond of their mannerisms and sayings, foibles and fancies... the things that make them them. Of course some of these habits can be irritating at times but you don't choose to have someone in your life for a whole chunk of it unless on the whole there's more endearment than exasperation. I miss those little ways of those I used to see a lot of and now I don't at all. I miss the shared memories and mutual reference points too as most of the people I do have contact with now I've only met recently...some I've never physically met at all, some I have but only since I became unwell. No matter how lovely they (that means you!) are, we are not old friends and never will be and it's not the same, like a long stay in a comfortable hotel room does not make it home. Don't be offended if you do know me and read this...you know what I mean I'm sure, for I am not your 'old friend' either.
So anyway, yes I miss people for themselves and the sense of continuity they created in my life, but also for the things we used to do together and the 'old me' they knew. Maybe they miss that person too...maybe that's why they're not around...who knows? Whatever. The combination of disappearing companions and deteriorating health means this summer, for the first time ever, I've not been able to get away from 'civilisation' and that just doesn't feel right at all. I need to see wide open spaces even if I can't stride across them any more. I need to be places where you get at most glimpses of human habitation or wheeled transportation. I give thanks that I'm well enough to care, I truly do, but I can't seem to stop caring.
So today, to stay sane (ish) a little longer I pushed myself to walk in instalments to the end of the sea wall where you can't go any further without heading inland or into it in the train tunnel so that no one could walk past me and I could be in my element in the elements for a while. And yes, bits of my body hurt...and several more bits are beginning to now as long unused muscles register their shock and indignation. But my heart and soul stopped hurting for a few hours and that was worth the physical pain.
My last two noted gratitudes of the day therefore are for finding the strength to literally 'go that extra mile' and for feeling solitude instead of loneliness for a while. Wonderful!
So anyway, yes I miss people for themselves and the sense of continuity they created in my life, but also for the things we used to do together and the 'old me' they knew. Maybe they miss that person too...maybe that's why they're not around...who knows? Whatever. The combination of disappearing companions and deteriorating health means this summer, for the first time ever, I've not been able to get away from 'civilisation' and that just doesn't feel right at all. I need to see wide open spaces even if I can't stride across them any more. I need to be places where you get at most glimpses of human habitation or wheeled transportation. I give thanks that I'm well enough to care, I truly do, but I can't seem to stop caring.
So today, to stay sane (ish) a little longer I pushed myself to walk in instalments to the end of the sea wall where you can't go any further without heading inland or into it in the train tunnel so that no one could walk past me and I could be in my element in the elements for a while. And yes, bits of my body hurt...and several more bits are beginning to now as long unused muscles register their shock and indignation. But my heart and soul stopped hurting for a few hours and that was worth the physical pain.
My last two noted gratitudes of the day therefore are for finding the strength to literally 'go that extra mile' and for feeling solitude instead of loneliness for a while. Wonderful!
Mind(less) games
Some days it's hard to get a spring in my emotional step let alone my physical one! It is consummately pointless to miss people who were clearly not friends but emotions are not logical and for so many years I associated their company with fun times and closeness albeit illusary or one-sided.
And for times in my previous life when I was more alone than I wanted to be or dealing with difficult emotions there were playing my guitar, long hot baths or long hilly walks, sloughing off the doldrums by swimming or the primal pleasure of threading beads...I miss them too!
Days like these I'm glad for thought numbing games on my laptop or phone - a temporary labotomy. I'm grateful for the Tesco delivery service - good things to eat brought up all those stairs and right into my flat and usually by someone with a cheery word or two. And I'm grateful for sunny hot weather, all the tourists will be so pleased and all the tradespeople who feed their needs...
And for times in my previous life when I was more alone than I wanted to be or dealing with difficult emotions there were playing my guitar, long hot baths or long hilly walks, sloughing off the doldrums by swimming or the primal pleasure of threading beads...I miss them too!
Days like these I'm glad for thought numbing games on my laptop or phone - a temporary labotomy. I'm grateful for the Tesco delivery service - good things to eat brought up all those stairs and right into my flat and usually by someone with a cheery word or two. And I'm grateful for sunny hot weather, all the tourists will be so pleased and all the tradespeople who feed their needs...
Sunday, 24 July 2011
Round about here
I'm not entirely sure where today has gone, yet not disappointed that it has not dragged as Sundays can do. My mother took an overdose one Saturday night when I was a young girl and I always think the prospect of a glum Sunday to come might have pushed her over the edge so to speak. That and the prospect of life with just me after my father had died maybe. Who knows? Depression and despair are dark places and I can empathise with the feeling one cannot carry on, I can forgive that it over-rid any concerns about whether it was right to do it knowing I'd be the one to find her in the morning...and orphaned at fourteen had she 'succeeded'...but I cannot quite forget.
Anyway...back on the bright side, sorry about that folks... I would like to express gratitude for the delightfully boyish delight of Lewis Hamilton when he won the Grand Prix this afternoon, for rhubarb Activia yoghurt in my fridge and for finding filo pastry on the Tesco on line grocery shelves at last so that I can make spinach and filo pie next week. I'm almost as excited as Lewis! I'm grateful that I finally got my clean bedlinen and pajamas ironed and that I've knitted a few more inches of the last longish stripy strip of the Oxfam blanket. Not far off half way now with that piece then there's three or four stripy middle squares to do which are mostly easy and the second half of the moss stitch edging strip. I'm looking forward to seeing it finished now and having it finished and getting on with some other projects I have on the go.
Now I'm off for a quick tidy up before I watch The Lovely Bones. I can't remember the book much now but that's not necessarily a bad thing when you're about to see a film adaptation!
Anyway...back on the bright side, sorry about that folks... I would like to express gratitude for the delightfully boyish delight of Lewis Hamilton when he won the Grand Prix this afternoon, for rhubarb Activia yoghurt in my fridge and for finding filo pastry on the Tesco on line grocery shelves at last so that I can make spinach and filo pie next week. I'm almost as excited as Lewis! I'm grateful that I finally got my clean bedlinen and pajamas ironed and that I've knitted a few more inches of the last longish stripy strip of the Oxfam blanket. Not far off half way now with that piece then there's three or four stripy middle squares to do which are mostly easy and the second half of the moss stitch edging strip. I'm looking forward to seeing it finished now and having it finished and getting on with some other projects I have on the go.
Now I'm off for a quick tidy up before I watch The Lovely Bones. I can't remember the book much now but that's not necessarily a bad thing when you're about to see a film adaptation!
What goes around comes around
OK, I've studied numerous pictures of crop circles now and after about 1999 they mostly get increasingly silly and not even pretty. I don't care if they are made with balls of light or balls of string and garden rollers I want them to look good and make me feel good. Not every geometric deisign manages that and very few advertising logos! I'd still like to see one though, both close to and at a suitable 'real life' distance. Even a lopsided mandala like my crochet mat would do...nothing sacred in the geometry there...but not a dolphin or an eye in a pyramid or anything self consciously 'mystical'. Good intention adds to the charm!
Anyway some of the images from the 'early years' provided me with a deep joy and for discovering them I am indeed grateful...for one thing they stopped me feeling miserable and lonely in the 'early hours'! I'm grateful too for discovering a maple pecan pastry in the freezer to have with my morning cup of tea and for Sebastian Vettel not dominating either practice or the grand prix...no malice to the chap but I like to see others getting a go.
Anyway some of the images from the 'early years' provided me with a deep joy and for discovering them I am indeed grateful...for one thing they stopped me feeling miserable and lonely in the 'early hours'! I'm grateful too for discovering a maple pecan pastry in the freezer to have with my morning cup of tea and for Sebastian Vettel not dominating either practice or the grand prix...no malice to the chap but I like to see others getting a go.
Going round in circles
I am sceptical of sceptics and fear the paranoia of the conspirationists but have realised I'd been incredibly naive last night and fallen for a simple but clever trick! Because I'd heard nothing much about crop circles for the last few years, don't mix with anyone who'd know or think to tell me and don't live in the vicinity of any to see with my own eyes I didn't realise what I'd been missing... and now I realise how much I've missed I can see how the well the media blackout has served its purpose!
I do understand there are many things many would be powerful people would have us not know or their control would be diminished. That is how human power and control function on a day to day level and we're pretty much all involved to different degrees and on different levels...but I personally have had beautiful and amazing and transient things hidden from me and I didn't realise. There's not much point in being cross about it just now, or frustrated once again (twice in a weekend!) that I can't just get in a car and go and look in person at any of this year's still around...I'm going to make a cuppa and come back to bed and carry on looking at cropcirclesecrets.org. Forget the whys and hows and rights and wrongs, forget anything you do or don't believe and just marvel and be inspired by the perfect and purposeful geometry from the last thirty plus years! Just google crop circle images if you don't want to bother with words...the makers didn't afterall!
I do understand there are many things many would be powerful people would have us not know or their control would be diminished. That is how human power and control function on a day to day level and we're pretty much all involved to different degrees and on different levels...but I personally have had beautiful and amazing and transient things hidden from me and I didn't realise. There's not much point in being cross about it just now, or frustrated once again (twice in a weekend!) that I can't just get in a car and go and look in person at any of this year's still around...I'm going to make a cuppa and come back to bed and carry on looking at cropcirclesecrets.org. Forget the whys and hows and rights and wrongs, forget anything you do or don't believe and just marvel and be inspired by the perfect and purposeful geometry from the last thirty plus years! Just google crop circle images if you don't want to bother with words...the makers didn't afterall!
Saturday, 23 July 2011
Boats and boats and boats
My binoculars were out of my bag before I got down the hill as I remembered that last time I walked down I saw from near the top something I'd never noticed before, some unidentifiable structure just visible over the headland on the horizon. I couldn't for the life of me think what it could be even when zooming in...how could I not have noticed a large white building along the coast from here with a thing like a big chimney on the top? Duh! Some sort of ship...
It's hard to express what a buzz I get out of seeing big boats and ships...but you might begin to grasp the the extent of it a little if you read on. For once in my life, I wished I had a car to see if I could find a place to see it closer, and then I saw the tourist boat heading out into the bay and realised it would go past the ship as well on its trip and a dark cloud of jealousy moved across the sun. But hey ho, there's at least a dozen things a day I wish I could do and can't for some reason or other but I was outdoors and the sun was sparkling on the sea and the melted butter on my teacake and there were plenty of other rather unusual things to look at like the man in the full body camouflage wet suit walking along the sea wall carrying a harpoon gun! Milk Tray anyone?
In the end though I could not get that glimpse of funnel out of my head and feeling ready for a sit down caught the next bus along the bay glued to the upper deck windows for sight of the craft when the sea came into view here and there. Got all the way to the end of the line though...nowhere I wanted to be and no big boat! I walked out to the edge of the harbour, pushing the comfort limit of the day as far as it would go but all I could see was some sort of grey warship moored just off shore - the wrong shape and in the wrong place.
By this point the harbour wall was looking about three miles long and there was no way I was trundling to the end of it to see 'round the corner' back the way I'd come where the bigger ship must have been hidden from view but I managed about a dozen paces and there it was...HUGE but still too far away to work out what it's function was. Then just as I was about to turn around and head home the warship started disgorging camouflaged landing craft which headed for the part of the harbour right by where I was...a smallish one first that tied up on the quay and then a large one that came right up on the slip to bring forth a cargo of sea scouts and various military cadets and leaders. Something else you don't see every day!
Took a couple of photos but not uploaded them yet...if they're any good I'll add them later. Pretty much stuck in the horizontal position at the moment - it's taken me about four hours to write this in instalments! It probably seems a little insane to tire myself out on such a strange quest but if I don't invent things to do I have no purpose at all, you see... for a little while there I had a mission, a reason to keep plodding on. I'm grateful for that and for finding the energy to stick to my task and for the fascinating things that I saw along the way.
It's hard to express what a buzz I get out of seeing big boats and ships...but you might begin to grasp the the extent of it a little if you read on. For once in my life, I wished I had a car to see if I could find a place to see it closer, and then I saw the tourist boat heading out into the bay and realised it would go past the ship as well on its trip and a dark cloud of jealousy moved across the sun. But hey ho, there's at least a dozen things a day I wish I could do and can't for some reason or other but I was outdoors and the sun was sparkling on the sea and the melted butter on my teacake and there were plenty of other rather unusual things to look at like the man in the full body camouflage wet suit walking along the sea wall carrying a harpoon gun! Milk Tray anyone?
In the end though I could not get that glimpse of funnel out of my head and feeling ready for a sit down caught the next bus along the bay glued to the upper deck windows for sight of the craft when the sea came into view here and there. Got all the way to the end of the line though...nowhere I wanted to be and no big boat! I walked out to the edge of the harbour, pushing the comfort limit of the day as far as it would go but all I could see was some sort of grey warship moored just off shore - the wrong shape and in the wrong place.
By this point the harbour wall was looking about three miles long and there was no way I was trundling to the end of it to see 'round the corner' back the way I'd come where the bigger ship must have been hidden from view but I managed about a dozen paces and there it was...HUGE but still too far away to work out what it's function was. Then just as I was about to turn around and head home the warship started disgorging camouflaged landing craft which headed for the part of the harbour right by where I was...a smallish one first that tied up on the quay and then a large one that came right up on the slip to bring forth a cargo of sea scouts and various military cadets and leaders. Something else you don't see every day!
Took a couple of photos but not uploaded them yet...if they're any good I'll add them later. Pretty much stuck in the horizontal position at the moment - it's taken me about four hours to write this in instalments! It probably seems a little insane to tire myself out on such a strange quest but if I don't invent things to do I have no purpose at all, you see... for a little while there I had a mission, a reason to keep plodding on. I'm grateful for that and for finding the energy to stick to my task and for the fascinating things that I saw along the way.
Upwards and outwards?
This morning I give thanks for feeling up to going out. I realise this is easier thought about than done but thinking you can do something is a fine first step! The plan was to go to the library but the quiet end of the sea front seems more appealing just now and that is in the opposite direction. There's a tiny possibility I could manage both but it would take so long I'd better check there's nothing on TV I'd want to record first. Wouldn't want to miss watching Sebastian Vettel pip people to the pole again now would I? Hmmm...well if I record it I can always delete it again! I give thanks for the fact that it's relatively mild and sunny...and that I've remembered to pack binoculars in case there's something good to focus on rather far away...
Friday, 22 July 2011
A bit fishy
Last night I dreamed that I didn't have long to live and was struggling to get to places and get things done while I was still able. Um...do you think I could get my money back on that one? Since when has that been a 'dream' exactly? It wasn't all bad though, I was with my son and in one part we were on a train going across Barmouth Bridge. At first it seemed as if the bridge wasn't there and the track simply came to an end in front of us in the sand at the edge of the water but then it re-materialised just in time and our journey continued smoothly across the estuary. It's so long since I've been up there I had to check on the internet that I wasn't imagining the bridge anyway, or at least it's position and trackworthiness.
Watched an edition of Coast from a few weeks back earlier and delighted to see favourite spots like Brixham and the Isles of Scilly if a little saddened that they might as well be Brisbane and the Seychelles these days even if only down (or off) the coast a little way in reality. I'm still on some Scilly emailing lists it seems...earlier today I had one entitled 'Think summer on Scilly isn't possible? think again!'. I called the sender a rude word in my head which wasn't very nice of me!
Later I discovered Sky had a new series about to start on its 'blockbusting' Atlantic channel...ten weeks of progmammes about...(drum roll, long pause)... Brixham! I'm not sure I'll be able to stand the dramatic delivery and tortuous poetry but the subject matter's good! It's charting a summer season with various jolly, and not so jolly, locals...
Anyway my final recorded thanks of the day are for teleporting in all its forms and for the 'olde worlde' chemist's in town that not only has unusual vintage premises including a mosaic doorstep but which also delivers prescriptions to your door and has done for me today. Sweet dreams and not too much nightmarish behaviour from neighbours is what's required right now.
Watched an edition of Coast from a few weeks back earlier and delighted to see favourite spots like Brixham and the Isles of Scilly if a little saddened that they might as well be Brisbane and the Seychelles these days even if only down (or off) the coast a little way in reality. I'm still on some Scilly emailing lists it seems...earlier today I had one entitled 'Think summer on Scilly isn't possible? think again!'. I called the sender a rude word in my head which wasn't very nice of me!
Later I discovered Sky had a new series about to start on its 'blockbusting' Atlantic channel...ten weeks of progmammes about...(drum roll, long pause)... Brixham! I'm not sure I'll be able to stand the dramatic delivery and tortuous poetry but the subject matter's good! It's charting a summer season with various jolly, and not so jolly, locals...
Anyway my final recorded thanks of the day are for teleporting in all its forms and for the 'olde worlde' chemist's in town that not only has unusual vintage premises including a mosaic doorstep but which also delivers prescriptions to your door and has done for me today. Sweet dreams and not too much nightmarish behaviour from neighbours is what's required right now.
Bedwardly mobile
Well, I'm still in bed though I have been as far as the kitchen to make a cuppa and have sent an email (thank you to Ivor for continued correspondence!). I'm grateful for the smoothness of my sheets and the warm air wafting through my bedroom window, and that I've managed to improve the positioning of my feeble Sky router so that I can get a slight signal when feeling too feeble to get into the same room as it myself! It still drops sometimes...I might try changing the channel again when I get up.
And I'm grateful for the new series of Torchwood, the second episode last night was a delight. For anyone who hasn't seen it, it's Doctor Who for (slightly) grown ups! There are mature and even 'adult' themes mixed with mayhem and monsters and lots and lots of laughs! The premise of this new story is: what if everybody stopped dying all at once no matter how ill or injured they are? It's dubbed Miracle Day by the on screen world but the implications are more of global and personal disaster. Each to their own I suppose! It will be something to look forward to once a week in what's proving a summer particularly lacking in treats and cosmic carrots encouraging me to keep plodding on.
And I'm grateful for the new series of Torchwood, the second episode last night was a delight. For anyone who hasn't seen it, it's Doctor Who for (slightly) grown ups! There are mature and even 'adult' themes mixed with mayhem and monsters and lots and lots of laughs! The premise of this new story is: what if everybody stopped dying all at once no matter how ill or injured they are? It's dubbed Miracle Day by the on screen world but the implications are more of global and personal disaster. Each to their own I suppose! It will be something to look forward to once a week in what's proving a summer particularly lacking in treats and cosmic carrots encouraging me to keep plodding on.
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Season to taste
Fourth thanks of the day goes to going out though it's left me very tired. For not getting rained on apart from a few stray drops and for finding a gap in the cloud to sit in and have fresh fried chips and mayo by the river beach. And for our extra lovely T.R.A.I.L. sculptures this year...will try to get some piccies for you next time...
Fifth is for my lentil and veg curry made this morning to gather flavour during the day... Off to serve it up!
Fifth is for my lentil and veg curry made this morning to gather flavour during the day... Off to serve it up!
Facebook is not my friend
Well, it's a good job I'm not relying on blog pageviews to keep my well being and confidence levels up since they are considerably down. It's probably hard for anyone to possibly imagine the isolation in which I now live. Solitary dwelling, unvisited or invited souls without internet access might but they are not reading this ha ha! Even my death row penfriend talks about his 'neighbour' giving him the crossword to do out of the daily paper he has delivered.
The trouble with having so many possible lines of communication is the awareness of how many ways they are not being used for communication with me. Three phones don't ring, two don't get texts, two email accounts rarely accessed by anyone with a face to go with the name and don't even get me started on Facebook where it seems now I'm only welcome to watch from the edge of the playground, listen from the corner of the room....
Sometimes it does feel unbearably hard to be so alone so my first thanks of the day is that so many have no concept of this and for the one or two who, maybe grasping it, still reply... And my second is for the illusion of having someone to talk to at any time that comes from writing this blog. My third is for you 'virtual friends' who do read it and take time to post comments to show me that you do so it seems like you're talking back. Thank you, thank you, thank you...
The trouble with having so many possible lines of communication is the awareness of how many ways they are not being used for communication with me. Three phones don't ring, two don't get texts, two email accounts rarely accessed by anyone with a face to go with the name and don't even get me started on Facebook where it seems now I'm only welcome to watch from the edge of the playground, listen from the corner of the room....
Sometimes it does feel unbearably hard to be so alone so my first thanks of the day is that so many have no concept of this and for the one or two who, maybe grasping it, still reply... And my second is for the illusion of having someone to talk to at any time that comes from writing this blog. My third is for you 'virtual friends' who do read it and take time to post comments to show me that you do so it seems like you're talking back. Thank you, thank you, thank you...
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
Raindrops on roses
*Crisp jacket spuds with butter fluff filling
*A new to me Come Dine With Me
*A text from my son
*Touching documentary about 16 yr old drag queen
*Tropicana Orange and Raspberry Juice
Don't like to butt in
Been really struggling to find positive things to say today. Everything I thought of had a 'but' in it, or a 'but it's a shame that...' to follow. I realise that this is what happens when I'm setting my sights too high and not being mindful of and appreciative of the minutiae of the day or of happy memories because I want happy things to be happening now...
I put the TV on, and in my desperation to escape Deal or No Deal hit the next channel button and found Channel 5 News just starting. I hardly ever watch news on TV but I was knitting and wanted to carry on not fiddle around with the remote control so I watched and saw amongst other things that the surprise guest judge on an Australian edition of Masterchef was...the Dalai Lama!! How random is that?
He said as a Buddhist monk it was very difficult for him to make judgements but it did seem from his face as if some dishes appealed more to his taste buds than others and he was able to reach a decision. Catching this strange but true news item is my third recorded joy of the day!
I put the TV on, and in my desperation to escape Deal or No Deal hit the next channel button and found Channel 5 News just starting. I hardly ever watch news on TV but I was knitting and wanted to carry on not fiddle around with the remote control so I watched and saw amongst other things that the surprise guest judge on an Australian edition of Masterchef was...the Dalai Lama!! How random is that?
He said as a Buddhist monk it was very difficult for him to make judgements but it did seem from his face as if some dishes appealed more to his taste buds than others and he was able to reach a decision. Catching this strange but true news item is my third recorded joy of the day!
I may be some time...
I am so tired this morning I can hardly think, let alone think of happy thoughts and type them! I didn't sleep well and had complicated action packed dreams...In one it was mid July but snowing quite heavily (perhaps I was cold in the night?) in another a mislaid gentleman friend had turned up to invite me out for dinner and we were choosing somewhere to go (hunger as I ate so little yesterday or simple wish fulfilment?)
The need for tea and toast has driven me from my bed and as I've a poor signal in my bedroom today I've stayed up to log into the internet so actually...yes! here's a grateful thought...I'm glad I've achieved those things. I'm also delighted to see I had more hits on here yesterday than ever before. Of course it could be the same person logging in over and over again to make me feel good but that's equally a thing to be grateful for as a very well meant deception, so no matter if so!
I don't tend to comment on comments but would just like to clarify that I was still on the other side of the road when the bus passed me, the driver negotiating a T-junction on a hill surrounded by double yellows and traffic so even if he had spotted me and realised I'd have liked a ride he couldn't have done anything about it...and I paid for a volunteer to bring me home. Nice enough woman but why do people assume my main interest in life is illness? There are plenty enough well people who like talking about that...go talk to each other and let me get on with living please!
My third gratitude is for having a really enjoyable novel calling me back to bed. (Yes, there are other versions of the last sentence that would be even better but this blog is not supposed to be about things I wish were different...that's for dreamtime ha ha!) Anyway, it's by Henning Mankell who wrote the Wallander novels so I expected a touch of Nordic Noir of which I'm rather fond, but it's set in Africa and has a lyrical slightly mystical quality that is also very much to my taste and for which the translater is also owed praise but I can't remember her name. I'll just go and check...I may be some time...
The need for tea and toast has driven me from my bed and as I've a poor signal in my bedroom today I've stayed up to log into the internet so actually...yes! here's a grateful thought...I'm glad I've achieved those things. I'm also delighted to see I had more hits on here yesterday than ever before. Of course it could be the same person logging in over and over again to make me feel good but that's equally a thing to be grateful for as a very well meant deception, so no matter if so!
I don't tend to comment on comments but would just like to clarify that I was still on the other side of the road when the bus passed me, the driver negotiating a T-junction on a hill surrounded by double yellows and traffic so even if he had spotted me and realised I'd have liked a ride he couldn't have done anything about it...and I paid for a volunteer to bring me home. Nice enough woman but why do people assume my main interest in life is illness? There are plenty enough well people who like talking about that...go talk to each other and let me get on with living please!
My third gratitude is for having a really enjoyable novel calling me back to bed. (Yes, there are other versions of the last sentence that would be even better but this blog is not supposed to be about things I wish were different...that's for dreamtime ha ha!) Anyway, it's by Henning Mankell who wrote the Wallander novels so I expected a touch of Nordic Noir of which I'm rather fond, but it's set in Africa and has a lyrical slightly mystical quality that is also very much to my taste and for which the translater is also owed praise but I can't remember her name. I'll just go and check...I may be some time...
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
Home time
I don't miss much about employment to be honest (self employment was much nicer!) but I'd forgotten how wonderful it felt to get home after a day somewhere you don't want to be. To be fair I wasn't there the whole day but the experience took chunks out of two.
My third thanks of the day goes to Rachel for a high speed and very effective 'stabbing' but the double decker bus I hoped to catch was just pulling away from the stop as I arrived at the other side of the road. Madly I decided to see if I could beat it up the hill to the next stop. Pedestrians don't have to go round the one way system so not quite as insane as it sounds but it overtook me half way up so I had to wait for the next one, a single decker and crowded so less appealing. However this is where my fourth gratitude comes in as I got the chance to give my new Sony 'Walkman' mp3 player a proper run through its paces and very pleased I am too!
I managed to create a relatively pleasant time out of my appointment including getting a bit of a communal banter going in one of the waiting areas, and had a lovely chat with the radiologist. She was short of an assistant that day so to save time was letting her patients be scanned with their clothing merely adjusted rather than removed which made for a far more pleasant and relaxing experience. When I was finished she asked where in the hospital I worked which was a bit random (talking intelligently about medical matters maybe?) but I also bumped into a couple of 'old friends' who I've come to know a little in other departments and so I've had three hugs today. Wow! I think that might be a record for me and thus my fifth gratitude of the day. Oxytocin levels much improved ha ha!
My third thanks of the day goes to Rachel for a high speed and very effective 'stabbing' but the double decker bus I hoped to catch was just pulling away from the stop as I arrived at the other side of the road. Madly I decided to see if I could beat it up the hill to the next stop. Pedestrians don't have to go round the one way system so not quite as insane as it sounds but it overtook me half way up so I had to wait for the next one, a single decker and crowded so less appealing. However this is where my fourth gratitude comes in as I got the chance to give my new Sony 'Walkman' mp3 player a proper run through its paces and very pleased I am too!
I managed to create a relatively pleasant time out of my appointment including getting a bit of a communal banter going in one of the waiting areas, and had a lovely chat with the radiologist. She was short of an assistant that day so to save time was letting her patients be scanned with their clothing merely adjusted rather than removed which made for a far more pleasant and relaxing experience. When I was finished she asked where in the hospital I worked which was a bit random (talking intelligently about medical matters maybe?) but I also bumped into a couple of 'old friends' who I've come to know a little in other departments and so I've had three hugs today. Wow! I think that might be a record for me and thus my fifth gratitude of the day. Oxytocin levels much improved ha ha!
Contrary to opinion
Well, goodness knows where my energy has gone again! Maybe we could have monitors to warn us before hand when our life force is getting low like a character in an electronic action game? A day on the sofa with crafts and catch up TV and naps seems far more appropriate than a trip to downtown for acupuncture, then an hour's bus ride to the big city and then an hour plus wait before the scan can proceed...to say nothing of getting back. Still, on the whole I'd rather be going to the hospital on a day when I feel feeble than on a day when I feel well, and I've managed to eat a relatively hearty breakfast to see me through til late afternoon when I can eat again. It's weird how much we want to do things when we can't and don't want to do the very same things when we have to...contrary little so-and-sos human minds aren't they?
Today first of all I'd like to give thanks for your kind words of encouragement. And secondly for the fact that my lazy-dazy stroke damaged left hand put an 's' in front of the 'w' making 'swords of encouragement'. That is the funniest thing and very in keeping with the fantasy game theme! I shall brandish your swords of encouragement but did get the impression from the moderators that more than one person had complained although their first email upset me so much that I haven't read all of them...telling me I should choose my words carefully in case I offended anyone made me think, as I do that already on there, being any more careful kind of negates the point of contributing at all unless you're just going to copy and paste what their 'approved' contributors say.
I know I do take criticism very much to heart but I'm sure at least some of the time it's justified in the critic's eyes and worth assessing whether you've done wrong or wronged them in some way. I guess a lot of the time it's just indignation or a power trip though. I really really can't be quite as bad as all the people who have cast judgement on me would have me believe. I mean surely you get some marks for good intention like you do when you get the 'working out' method right in a maths test but miscalculate the final figure?
Anyway, I must away and prepare myself for departure. I have knitting, mp3 player, tissues, pain killers, purse, phone, water...what have I forgotten that might improve the quality of my experience? Hmm...
Good wishes to others with medical matters to attend to today. Team Angel are thinking of you...
Today first of all I'd like to give thanks for your kind words of encouragement. And secondly for the fact that my lazy-dazy stroke damaged left hand put an 's' in front of the 'w' making 'swords of encouragement'. That is the funniest thing and very in keeping with the fantasy game theme! I shall brandish your swords of encouragement but did get the impression from the moderators that more than one person had complained although their first email upset me so much that I haven't read all of them...telling me I should choose my words carefully in case I offended anyone made me think, as I do that already on there, being any more careful kind of negates the point of contributing at all unless you're just going to copy and paste what their 'approved' contributors say.
I know I do take criticism very much to heart but I'm sure at least some of the time it's justified in the critic's eyes and worth assessing whether you've done wrong or wronged them in some way. I guess a lot of the time it's just indignation or a power trip though. I really really can't be quite as bad as all the people who have cast judgement on me would have me believe. I mean surely you get some marks for good intention like you do when you get the 'working out' method right in a maths test but miscalculate the final figure?
Anyway, I must away and prepare myself for departure. I have knitting, mp3 player, tissues, pain killers, purse, phone, water...what have I forgotten that might improve the quality of my experience? Hmm...
Good wishes to others with medical matters to attend to today. Team Angel are thinking of you...
Monday, 18 July 2011
Who needs them?
Well, whatever it is, it moves in mysterious ways! I've been a bit more energetic today and got the bedding changed and other chores, then settled down to sew some blanket bits together and listen to a radio play on iplayer. I chose one and it wouldn't load so after few attempts so chose the next one down in the list which it said was about a medical ethics dilemma and for some reason (what that can be?) I thought it would be about life and death. And it was but not in the obvious way. It was about people not being listened to in hospital. In this case it was a patient with 'some' learning difficulties (Aspergers type I would say from his encyclopedic knowledge of his own areas of interest) being badgered into having a 'tube' he didn't want and being told if his condition deteriorated without it he might die. With an advocate's help he decided he'd rather try to get better without it. But of course the doctor wasn't taking 'no' for an answer as he had made a doctorly decision and tried to prove the patient didn't understand the implications of not accepting it and the advocate didn't understand he was boss! He asked the patient to explain where people went when they died to prove his mental competence! Brilliant!
It reminded of a time when I was in hospital and every few hours doctors kept coming and trying different ways to make me accept their decision that I must have a different kind of tube. They kept saying you could die at any time and I kept saying well you've been telling me that several times a day for several hours and I'm still here! Can I go home now and get some rest and have a think about it? But I don't think you understand the implications. Um...yes I do! And if I'm going to die at any time I'd rather not be be in hospital being pestered ever few mins I'd rather be at home doing nice things. Doctors eh? I was persuaded to contact 'friends and family' for further persuasion I guess, but they were too busy to discuss if they cared if I had any life prolonging 'tubes'. They had work commitments, holidays to complete, sick friends to visit(!), bathroom tiles to choose, you know the kind of thing. Friends eh?
I suppose on reflection I can see why my views on the ways of the world aren't welcome on the cancer chat room! Anyway, the play had a happy ending or it seemed to be heading that way by the end. I can't vouch for the rest of all the character's lives unlike H. C. Anderson et al. I nearly turned it off at one point when it was getting me too frustrated and cross but the advocate made sense of it all in time... And then I listened to the first play which was myseriously available again.
So my third gratitude of the day is for radio plays and iplayer to listen to them whenever you like (within the BBC's measly window of course) while you concentrate on making things. It reminds me of Friday afternoons in the infant class at school when Mrs Baker let us play with Plasticine while she read us a story. Bliss! I think thinking of that will have to be my fourth gratitude. I love being read to...I used to quite like reading out loud too actually but there's not much call for it when you're by yourself all the time. In fact, you have to be constantly vigilant of not making all kinds of sounds out loud in case you forget in public places that you might still be alone but you are not inaudible! And finally I'm grateful for feeling a little more vigorous and healthy today, getting a tad more done and with a tad less groaning (see above!)
It reminded of a time when I was in hospital and every few hours doctors kept coming and trying different ways to make me accept their decision that I must have a different kind of tube. They kept saying you could die at any time and I kept saying well you've been telling me that several times a day for several hours and I'm still here! Can I go home now and get some rest and have a think about it? But I don't think you understand the implications. Um...yes I do! And if I'm going to die at any time I'd rather not be be in hospital being pestered ever few mins I'd rather be at home doing nice things. Doctors eh? I was persuaded to contact 'friends and family' for further persuasion I guess, but they were too busy to discuss if they cared if I had any life prolonging 'tubes'. They had work commitments, holidays to complete, sick friends to visit(!), bathroom tiles to choose, you know the kind of thing. Friends eh?
I suppose on reflection I can see why my views on the ways of the world aren't welcome on the cancer chat room! Anyway, the play had a happy ending or it seemed to be heading that way by the end. I can't vouch for the rest of all the character's lives unlike H. C. Anderson et al. I nearly turned it off at one point when it was getting me too frustrated and cross but the advocate made sense of it all in time... And then I listened to the first play which was myseriously available again.
So my third gratitude of the day is for radio plays and iplayer to listen to them whenever you like (within the BBC's measly window of course) while you concentrate on making things. It reminds me of Friday afternoons in the infant class at school when Mrs Baker let us play with Plasticine while she read us a story. Bliss! I think thinking of that will have to be my fourth gratitude. I love being read to...I used to quite like reading out loud too actually but there's not much call for it when you're by yourself all the time. In fact, you have to be constantly vigilant of not making all kinds of sounds out loud in case you forget in public places that you might still be alone but you are not inaudible! And finally I'm grateful for feeling a little more vigorous and healthy today, getting a tad more done and with a tad less groaning (see above!)
Imaginary friends
Today it feels as if I've mostly got to prepare for my hospital trip tomorrow. Practically, as I still have to fit in all the usual Tuesday things like the nurse's visit and acupuncture so have to make sure have everything ready like clothes and things I need to take with me, and also psychologically as it's about eighteen months since I had a full on investigative scan. That's the kind of thing I'd intended writing about in the Cancer Research forums in hopes of some emotional support from people who had an inkling of what I might be feeling but since there were complaints about my postings I don't feel safe or welcome to share there. Facebook friends lists, address books virtual and otherwise, contacts on my phones...no one there either, who's actually there and would appreciate me dripping tears on their shoulders intead of being delighted at their Ideal Homes and partyworld updates, so I must try and construct a few days of maximum self preservation and divine intervention and do without the 'middle men' to hold my hand and soothe my fears and create the comforting illusion of care.
So my first gratitude of the day is for meditation and contemplation and invocation...things easier to do all alone.
And my second is for imaginary friends...I had two who played and talked with me as a solitary child that nobody else could see and numerous ones since who others can see but I can't any more ha ha! Here's to the gone ones. Just because you stopped loving me even the little bit you did does not mean I stopped loving you. May you be well, may you be happy, may you be at ease.
I wonder if I'll have to pay full fare for my guardian angel on the bus?
So my first gratitude of the day is for meditation and contemplation and invocation...things easier to do all alone.
And my second is for imaginary friends...I had two who played and talked with me as a solitary child that nobody else could see and numerous ones since who others can see but I can't any more ha ha! Here's to the gone ones. Just because you stopped loving me even the little bit you did does not mean I stopped loving you. May you be well, may you be happy, may you be at ease.
I wonder if I'll have to pay full fare for my guardian angel on the bus?
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Wrecked
Last thanks of the day? For an excellent episode of Coast from Swedish shores...and a comfy bed to lay my weary body in.
Beyond be-leaf
First of all I'd like to apologise for the gloom and doom of my posts the last couple of days. Various parts of my body are malfunctioning, and whilst sometimes I think it's good to be alone when you're not well as you push yourself further and don't wimp out so much sometimes it's just hard going! Weekends are always a bit of an emotional assault course too. I haven't had a sociable weekend since my birthday back in February and it gets so I get a Friday dread a bit like 'normal' people do about Mondays, wondering how to face the workload of extra isolation.
Anyway for about 90 mins I wasn't isolated as Clive popped in to finish a long outstanding diy job. Great to have that done and good to have a bit of a chin wag to distract me from all my aches and pains...so that's my third gratitude for the day.
And fourthly I've finally managed to finish sewing down the branches and attaching the first two rows of leaves to my tree. I've also crocheted a few more leaves for the next brighter and lighter layer. Tired now though and need to rest. Maybe there's something on TV. Last time I looked Sky Arts was showing some performances from this year's Isle of White festival...Iggy Pop, Seasick Steve and Tom Jones, combined ages including backing musicians of around 1000 years I'm thinking!
Anyway for about 90 mins I wasn't isolated as Clive popped in to finish a long outstanding diy job. Great to have that done and good to have a bit of a chin wag to distract me from all my aches and pains...so that's my third gratitude for the day.
Swiss inclines
Last night I watched Terry Pratchett's documentary Choosing to Die. I found it mostly both moving and reassuring to know that (if you have enough money and are able to travel, prove your mental competence, sign your name and drink a glass of liquid) you can die in comfort and dignity at Dignitas. My heart went out to Terry's assistant who was clearly not personally acquainted with the issues of life limiting illness and disability and clearly horrified. My heart went out to Terry as he struggles with the onset of Alzheimer's and British rejection of such a system so that those who wish to make that choice not only have to do so whilst still relatively physically and mentally fit but have to go to a Swiss industrial estate when they'd rather be at home or in favourite familiar surroundings. I was touched by those who respected their loved ones' desire not to suffer more and loved them still, came with them to see them off on their final journey...and by the gentleness of the staff.
I'm not going to go into the rights and wrongs. If I've offended anyone already I'm sorry. Switzerland is a place of which I'm fond anyway. It's clean and organised and breathtakingly beautiful. I'd hoped to go back there for a recuperative break when recuperation still seemed a possibility. I wanted to stay in a hotel room with a balcony overlooking a lake with trees and mountains reflected in the water. I wanted to ride on their amazingly efficient railway system with trains that run on time no matter what kind of snow, and eat delicious meals in their self service restaurants where a solitary diner doesn't have to feel ashamed.
My first gratitudes of the day are for a sensitive documentary covering a sensitive subject and for memories of a brief but happy Alpine holiday.
I'm not going to go into the rights and wrongs. If I've offended anyone already I'm sorry. Switzerland is a place of which I'm fond anyway. It's clean and organised and breathtakingly beautiful. I'd hoped to go back there for a recuperative break when recuperation still seemed a possibility. I wanted to stay in a hotel room with a balcony overlooking a lake with trees and mountains reflected in the water. I wanted to ride on their amazingly efficient railway system with trains that run on time no matter what kind of snow, and eat delicious meals in their self service restaurants where a solitary diner doesn't have to feel ashamed.
My first gratitudes of the day are for a sensitive documentary covering a sensitive subject and for memories of a brief but happy Alpine holiday.
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Glimmer switches
I'm just about grateful that I got up and showered and made the bed and something to eat and washed up and put some washing on. I'm glad that I knitted a couple of rows and crocheted a couple of leaves and sewed them on. Only just, but grateful...
More grateful for wonderful images of wonderful things on Dark Roasted Blend. When I realised my low mood was not going to rise I was able to escape it for short stretches by going elsewhere...on cliff hanging roads...to see beautiful landscapes, amazing trees and architecture, root and vine bridges, Uros rush homes and boats on Lake Titicaca, hanging monasteries, Gaudi and Capadoccia (very similar I always think) and Socotra island, dissimilar to everywhere else on planet earth.
More grateful for wonderful images of wonderful things on Dark Roasted Blend. When I realised my low mood was not going to rise I was able to escape it for short stretches by going elsewhere...on cliff hanging roads...to see beautiful landscapes, amazing trees and architecture, root and vine bridges, Uros rush homes and boats on Lake Titicaca, hanging monasteries, Gaudi and Capadoccia (very similar I always think) and Socotra island, dissimilar to everywhere else on planet earth.
Sound and sight
Today I'm grateful for a quiet morning all along the terrace. No loud music or radio, no lawn mowers, power tools, hammers, saws, barking dogs, noisy sex or rows, family gatherings al fresco etc. The woman upstairs has actually locked herself out and gone to stay with friends I suppose while she works out what to do so complete silence from there for 48 hours though I suspect at some point she'll be back with a battering ram and a lot of bad language. Because I'm almost always alone and almost always quiet I'm extra sensitive to the cacophony of human life overriding by quietness and highlighting my banishment. It's soothing to be able to hear the wind in the trees outside.
I'm grateful for all the wonderful photographs on the BBC web site and my Dell Streak to look at them in bed. Readers' pictures on various weekly themes and images from around the world. Some make you wish you could go to the places, some make you very thankful that you are not there.
I'm grateful for all the wonderful photographs on the BBC web site and my Dell Streak to look at them in bed. Readers' pictures on various weekly themes and images from around the world. Some make you wish you could go to the places, some make you very thankful that you are not there.
You and me and them
Thank you first of all today for your kind comments. I've been reminded elsewhere the last couple of weeks how unwelcome I am in so many places, in so many lives. Sometimes I'm just scared to be me unless it's home alone silently in bed with the duvet over my head where I can't cause offence or get things wrong. Some people tell me it's wrong to feel like that. Sometimes I forget myself and just be...and then someone always has to remind me!
Them: Stop being you!
Me: Um..but you're allowed to be you?
Them: That's different, I'm a better and more important me than you and if I say you're wrong then I'm right!
Me: What if I think it's wrong that you think I'm wrong?
Them: That's different!
I think I'd have been good at being a plant, or maybe a goldfish. I might be wrong about that though...
Them: Stop being you!
Me: Um..but you're allowed to be you?
Them: That's different, I'm a better and more important me than you and if I say you're wrong then I'm right!
Me: What if I think it's wrong that you think I'm wrong?
Them: That's different!
I think I'd have been good at being a plant, or maybe a goldfish. I might be wrong about that though...
Friday, 15 July 2011
Lest we forget
Some days I swear it would be easier to find fifty five things to moan about than five that make me glad. Some days I just swear ha ha!
It is tempting to break faith and list grumbles and grievances, especially as I usually get less readers at the weekend and that gives me the feeling people won't know. But that's like assuming you can't be seen when there's no one in sight and there's something you want to do that you shouldn't! Besides, there are good things in the gloom. I'm grateful for the shapes of trees that live near the sea and twist and bend with the wind as they grow. They remind me of old people whose faces have set in the prevalent expressions of their lives.
I'm grateful for the delicious sauce I made to go with some pasta with red pesto and black olives and a selection of organic veg.
I'm also delighted I realised my ex-cleaner had never cleaned behind my folding bedroom door. I've never seen so much dust in a 'cleaned' house. You literally couldn't see the carpet! Clean now though...
It is tempting to break faith and list grumbles and grievances, especially as I usually get less readers at the weekend and that gives me the feeling people won't know. But that's like assuming you can't be seen when there's no one in sight and there's something you want to do that you shouldn't! Besides, there are good things in the gloom. I'm grateful for the shapes of trees that live near the sea and twist and bend with the wind as they grow. They remind me of old people whose faces have set in the prevalent expressions of their lives.
I'm grateful for the delicious sauce I made to go with some pasta with red pesto and black olives and a selection of organic veg.
I'm also delighted I realised my ex-cleaner had never cleaned behind my folding bedroom door. I've never seen so much dust in a 'cleaned' house. You literally couldn't see the carpet! Clean now though...
Untangle in the making
A couple of months ago I heard that Oxfam had suffered a fire in one of their big sorting and storage warehouses and stock of their 'iconic' knitted and crocheted blankets that they sold at festivals had been lost. I'd never made a blanket but it had been in my head to do so after amassing a vast quantity of cheap yarn when experimenting with making leaves for my tree. So I thought I'd have a go and recruited both Heidi and Ivor to knit some of it too. Although the required finished size of 4' x 6' is quite daunting, breaking it down into six inch squares and strips made for an easy relaxing craft task...ideal during the early summer tennis watching season.
They chose the bits they'd like to do and we coordinated colours and yesterday was the first time we've been able to meet up again for them to deliver their contribution (mine still has a way to go...including the sewing together). The picture above is all the bits and balls of wool in a heap on my bed waiting for a sort out...and the picture below is a first laying out of what we've done so far.
Lots of opportunities for gratitude here! I've loved being involved in a project with other people..and I love Oxfam's idea that you make and donate a colourful blanket and someone at an outdoor music festival chooses and buys it to wrap around themselves, sleep on or under or just as a souvenir and then Oxfam uses the money to do good works for those who have more pressing needs that a colourful craft project or watching their favourite bands in the open air. It's all good as they say! I've also had the good idea of taking one of the simple stripey middle squares to knit when I have a long afternoon at the hospital next week...cunning plan eh?
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Blank(et)ed out
Tired tonight so I shall just briefly touch on two more 'thank yous' for the day.
I am grateful that I made it to meet Heidi and Ivor, because it was nice to see them, because they'd finished their contributions to the Oxfam blanket (more on that tomorrow) and because Heidi had brought me a piece of delicious home made cake!
I am grateful that there are lots of things I want to watch on TV so that when I've swept all the balls of wool and bits of knitting aside I can settle down (and hopefully stay awake) to watch them.
That's all folks!
I am grateful that I made it to meet Heidi and Ivor, because it was nice to see them, because they'd finished their contributions to the Oxfam blanket (more on that tomorrow) and because Heidi had brought me a piece of delicious home made cake!
I am grateful that there are lots of things I want to watch on TV so that when I've swept all the balls of wool and bits of knitting aside I can settle down (and hopefully stay awake) to watch them.
That's all folks!
Echoes...
The first thing I'm giving thanks for today is those times when you glimpse the interconnectedness. Listening to a Torchwood story on the radio yesterday and Captain Jack declaring his love (at last) for the re-dying Ianto...hearing Eddie Izzard at the end of the documentary film I was watching saying he supposed he felt deep down if he kept doing more things his mother would 'come back'. If you're wondering what these are connected to read yesterday's posts... NB. I also updated my Facebook status if you've wondered about that. I asked if there was anything I could help other people with! It'll still probably make some of them feel bad but a) there's not really much more I can do about that and b) some good might come out of it...somebody might ask for my help or offer theirs.
The second is for the mysterious miracle (our is it a miraculous mystery?) of complete strangers reading, enjoying and commenting favourably on my blog. I suppose, logically, if people I've known in 'real life' were interested in my musings they'd be in 'real life' communication with me but I only know of two I've met and still do, who know of this and read it. A round of applause for the fortitude of Rachel and Ivor...!(clap, clap, clap, clap, clap) If there are more...reveal yourselves, don't be shy, it can't be worse than AA or WW and I know there are one or two who have stood up to be counted or weighed in public there!
But that people I don't know find something worth reading and inspiring in these pages is totally brilliant...and of course what it's all about. Some of you I've exchanged a few messages with elsewhere but I've been writing this only about as long as that started and that's where you heard of this... For others, you just found yourselves here somehow and stayed. Welcome! Make yourselves at home...what can I bring for you? Originally I thought...if I wrote about five things I was grateful for each day and five people read about those things and were encouraged to think of five good thoughts by my words then that was happiness squared (I'd love to be able to put a little 2 in the top right next to the word happiness but this is the keyboard that can't do Spanish or sums!) but we seem to be heading into the regions of greater returns on the investment, wider reverberations of heart waves from the words and that is something we can all be grateful for...
Lastly...for a while I worked in a call centre that dealt with faults on people's phone lines. The computer systems did a lot of the work for us but we were supposed to add a few explanatory notes regarding the calls we took and could read the previous advisor's ones too. I went into some fault notes one day that said 'Customer has an echo...echo...echo...on the line'. Brilliant...well done that person for adding a smile to that day and to this!
The second is for the mysterious miracle (our is it a miraculous mystery?) of complete strangers reading, enjoying and commenting favourably on my blog. I suppose, logically, if people I've known in 'real life' were interested in my musings they'd be in 'real life' communication with me but I only know of two I've met and still do, who know of this and read it. A round of applause for the fortitude of Rachel and Ivor...!(clap, clap, clap, clap, clap) If there are more...reveal yourselves, don't be shy, it can't be worse than AA or WW and I know there are one or two who have stood up to be counted or weighed in public there!
But that people I don't know find something worth reading and inspiring in these pages is totally brilliant...and of course what it's all about. Some of you I've exchanged a few messages with elsewhere but I've been writing this only about as long as that started and that's where you heard of this... For others, you just found yourselves here somehow and stayed. Welcome! Make yourselves at home...what can I bring for you? Originally I thought...if I wrote about five things I was grateful for each day and five people read about those things and were encouraged to think of five good thoughts by my words then that was happiness squared (I'd love to be able to put a little 2 in the top right next to the word happiness but this is the keyboard that can't do Spanish or sums!) but we seem to be heading into the regions of greater returns on the investment, wider reverberations of heart waves from the words and that is something we can all be grateful for...
Lastly...for a while I worked in a call centre that dealt with faults on people's phone lines. The computer systems did a lot of the work for us but we were supposed to add a few explanatory notes regarding the calls we took and could read the previous advisor's ones too. I went into some fault notes one day that said 'Customer has an echo...echo...echo...on the line'. Brilliant...well done that person for adding a smile to that day and to this!
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
And the burdens thereof...
I feel a bit bad about all the whingeing today. I have so many reasons to be cheerful, things to be grateful for. For the slanting evening sun catching the buoys in the bay and making them glow so bright you wonder what on sea they can be, for comfort food in the freezer when I don't feel in the mood to cook. And for the home-coming relief of Eddie Izzard's humour. When I'm not whingeing or philosophising a lot of my thought processes are Izzard-esque. I used to have a friend similarly afflicted and spending time with him when we were both in that mood was like taking off your outdoor clothes and manners and curling up in a place of safety wearing comfy things.
Wanting more is merely the burden of dreams and schemes and circus crowds... Can I tempt you to an apposite story of mine perchance?
The Burden of Dreams
There was once a man who travelled the earth with a bundle of dreams too numerous for him to realise in all his nights and days. Although not large or heavy this burden was cumbersome and challenging to bear. It slowed his steps and directed him along a route littered with obstacles and distractions, outcomes and aftermath.
For when secured at his hip the cache of dreams would stir his loins and lead to liaisons with unsuitable lovers that caused him to lose his way. If carried in the pocket at his breast they roused his heart with passions and missions, the detours of crusades. And if borne on his shoulders they so bowed him down with the weight of infinite possibility he could barely move at all.
Even at night he could not rest for he lay with the bundle beneath his head and his mind would spin with visions and images of all that might yet be. Under a cloak of stars the traveller tossed and turned yearning for the oblivion of sleep, of dreams that dissolved with the dawn. Unable to name his destination or the significance of his fate, he only knew he must journey on to the place he where he was meant to be and could relinquish the burden.
A man with many dreams may seem as many different men. Even as he aged he could at times be taken for a boy, when but a stranger could appear as a friend. Women saw in him what they wanted to see - a romantic hero perhaps, a longed for son - and chided him when he failed to embody their cherished fantasies. Men assumed he was a brother-in-arms who would fight at their side with words or with weapons, no matter what side they were on, and when their expectations were not met could brand him a traitor or spy.
‘You are not who we thought you were,’ these people complained, ‘Why didn’t you tell us the truth?’ But truth is a shy and shape-shifting creature, not easily caught in a web of words, and it was not his purpose to turn their desires into reality.
Increasingly he found himself drawn to those who had abandoned hope, who had no use for the enchantment of dreams any more. Yet the ones with illness in their bodies mistook him for a healer come, while those with sickness in their souls would tend to believe him their saviour. Unwilling to accept the deception was in their hearts and not his hands, they blamed him for their errors of judgement and he had to move on once more. With back becoming stooped by time and misadventure as much as his burden, the man left the years behind him along with the people he could not please.
Late in the day with darkness deepening and a capricious wind carrying the signs of a storm, he came at last upon a house alone on the empty road. Just one dim lamp burned in a low small window and though a faded sign of welcome swung at the gate he wondered if the door would still be opened to those seeking sanctuary there. It was a long time before his knock was answered and he was on the verge of turning away, setting his face again to inclement weather, when he heard the sound of bolts sliding back and a shaft of light illuminated the rain. A woman appeared silhouetted in the doorway and when he asked for refuge from the night she beckoned him inside.
Still without speaking she motioned him to sit by the hearth, adding logs to the fire and setting a pot to warm. He watched her move around the shadowy room trying to work out who he was with this time and what complications would arise, what disappointments waited. Was she old with a heart that dwelt in the past or young with a mind that leapt to the future? Or was she in the prime of her life with a spirit full of aspirations he could not hope to fulfil?
But clues were hard to find and decipher. Weary and wary of assumptions he turned his attention to the meal she served him and kept the precious, pernicious bundle close to his feet should there be need of a hasty departure. The bowl was small but the food was good. He ate hungrily and she filled it again, tipping the pot as it was almost empty, cutting the last of the bread. Her silence mystified him until she explained with her hands that she had no voice, but by the lambent light of the fire the pair communicated as clearly as any can do who rely on conversation.
Through the longest, darkest night of the year the wind rattled the rusting latch of the door and hurled squalls of rain at the windows. Closely yet chastely, for warmth and for comfort, the wandering man and the silent woman lay together in the quilt-covered bed beside the dying embers. When dawn broke still the storm had not abated. He brought in the remaining wood from the store, she cooked the last of the food.
He wondered how she came to be so poorly prepared for winter, miles from other habitation and with such meagre supplies. But when he mentioned his concerns she merely smiled and shook her head. Touching her fingertips to her mouth, she unfurled them like a flower’s petals, reaching out her upturned palm to ask him to speak instead. As the hours passed he recounted stories from his travels, the places he had visited, the people he had met.
On the second day when all they had left was water from the well and the stub of a candle to burn they did not rise from the bed, sheltering side by side from the raging elements, the solitariness of their lives. Once again with that distinctive gesture she suggested he talk and haltingly at first he began to reveal the nature of the burden he had carried for so long. From time to time he glanced at her and watched her express that she was listening, encouraging him and understanding what he told her. But gradually her eyelids drooped and her breathing calmed and she slept as he talked on.
Eventually it seemed that all the words were spoken, all the tales were told, all the dreams he bore released. He felt at peace and it was a strange sensation to him. Reaching for his bundle he found it empty, just a fold of cloth on the floor. In wonder he turned to the woman beside him and saw that she had left the world and would not wake again.
A great sorrow welled within him but before tears came or he could cry out in anguish, exhausted, at last, he slept. He dreamed the woman was alive, awake and talking to him.
‘Come with me,’ said the woman who had no voice, ‘Abandon your body, the burden you bear.’
And he rose up through the crooked roof and the churning sky to the place where all is ever real and dreams have no dominion.
Wanting more is merely the burden of dreams and schemes and circus crowds... Can I tempt you to an apposite story of mine perchance?
The Burden of Dreams
There was once a man who travelled the earth with a bundle of dreams too numerous for him to realise in all his nights and days. Although not large or heavy this burden was cumbersome and challenging to bear. It slowed his steps and directed him along a route littered with obstacles and distractions, outcomes and aftermath.
For when secured at his hip the cache of dreams would stir his loins and lead to liaisons with unsuitable lovers that caused him to lose his way. If carried in the pocket at his breast they roused his heart with passions and missions, the detours of crusades. And if borne on his shoulders they so bowed him down with the weight of infinite possibility he could barely move at all.
Even at night he could not rest for he lay with the bundle beneath his head and his mind would spin with visions and images of all that might yet be. Under a cloak of stars the traveller tossed and turned yearning for the oblivion of sleep, of dreams that dissolved with the dawn. Unable to name his destination or the significance of his fate, he only knew he must journey on to the place he where he was meant to be and could relinquish the burden.
A man with many dreams may seem as many different men. Even as he aged he could at times be taken for a boy, when but a stranger could appear as a friend. Women saw in him what they wanted to see - a romantic hero perhaps, a longed for son - and chided him when he failed to embody their cherished fantasies. Men assumed he was a brother-in-arms who would fight at their side with words or with weapons, no matter what side they were on, and when their expectations were not met could brand him a traitor or spy.
‘You are not who we thought you were,’ these people complained, ‘Why didn’t you tell us the truth?’ But truth is a shy and shape-shifting creature, not easily caught in a web of words, and it was not his purpose to turn their desires into reality.
Increasingly he found himself drawn to those who had abandoned hope, who had no use for the enchantment of dreams any more. Yet the ones with illness in their bodies mistook him for a healer come, while those with sickness in their souls would tend to believe him their saviour. Unwilling to accept the deception was in their hearts and not his hands, they blamed him for their errors of judgement and he had to move on once more. With back becoming stooped by time and misadventure as much as his burden, the man left the years behind him along with the people he could not please.
Late in the day with darkness deepening and a capricious wind carrying the signs of a storm, he came at last upon a house alone on the empty road. Just one dim lamp burned in a low small window and though a faded sign of welcome swung at the gate he wondered if the door would still be opened to those seeking sanctuary there. It was a long time before his knock was answered and he was on the verge of turning away, setting his face again to inclement weather, when he heard the sound of bolts sliding back and a shaft of light illuminated the rain. A woman appeared silhouetted in the doorway and when he asked for refuge from the night she beckoned him inside.
Still without speaking she motioned him to sit by the hearth, adding logs to the fire and setting a pot to warm. He watched her move around the shadowy room trying to work out who he was with this time and what complications would arise, what disappointments waited. Was she old with a heart that dwelt in the past or young with a mind that leapt to the future? Or was she in the prime of her life with a spirit full of aspirations he could not hope to fulfil?
But clues were hard to find and decipher. Weary and wary of assumptions he turned his attention to the meal she served him and kept the precious, pernicious bundle close to his feet should there be need of a hasty departure. The bowl was small but the food was good. He ate hungrily and she filled it again, tipping the pot as it was almost empty, cutting the last of the bread. Her silence mystified him until she explained with her hands that she had no voice, but by the lambent light of the fire the pair communicated as clearly as any can do who rely on conversation.
Through the longest, darkest night of the year the wind rattled the rusting latch of the door and hurled squalls of rain at the windows. Closely yet chastely, for warmth and for comfort, the wandering man and the silent woman lay together in the quilt-covered bed beside the dying embers. When dawn broke still the storm had not abated. He brought in the remaining wood from the store, she cooked the last of the food.
He wondered how she came to be so poorly prepared for winter, miles from other habitation and with such meagre supplies. But when he mentioned his concerns she merely smiled and shook her head. Touching her fingertips to her mouth, she unfurled them like a flower’s petals, reaching out her upturned palm to ask him to speak instead. As the hours passed he recounted stories from his travels, the places he had visited, the people he had met.
On the second day when all they had left was water from the well and the stub of a candle to burn they did not rise from the bed, sheltering side by side from the raging elements, the solitariness of their lives. Once again with that distinctive gesture she suggested he talk and haltingly at first he began to reveal the nature of the burden he had carried for so long. From time to time he glanced at her and watched her express that she was listening, encouraging him and understanding what he told her. But gradually her eyelids drooped and her breathing calmed and she slept as he talked on.
Eventually it seemed that all the words were spoken, all the tales were told, all the dreams he bore released. He felt at peace and it was a strange sensation to him. Reaching for his bundle he found it empty, just a fold of cloth on the floor. In wonder he turned to the woman beside him and saw that she had left the world and would not wake again.
A great sorrow welled within him but before tears came or he could cry out in anguish, exhausted, at last, he slept. He dreamed the woman was alive, awake and talking to him.
‘Come with me,’ said the woman who had no voice, ‘Abandon your body, the burden you bear.’
And he rose up through the crooked roof and the churning sky to the place where all is ever real and dreams have no dominion.
...and schemes
Still no word from any of my Facebook 'buddies' on my request. I'm thinking of adding a comment saying 'Cancer isn't catching but kindness is' but let's face it if the pleasure of my company and delight at a full on (free) air display isn't going to tempt them I don't suppose applying a little light emotional blackmail will help much either! I don't know why I feel it necessary to worry about their feelings though. I mean what's the worst that can happen...that they never speak to me again? Umm...what on top of not speaking to me again anyway? Terrifying ha ha!
I guess maybe I just want to set an example... or maybe subconsciously I think if I'm very good and die quietly they'll some back! Apologies to everyone reading this who has not experienced the half life of the terminally ill and doesn't get what I'm on about, or indeed, would rather I stopped! I will now I promise (for a while anyway!) I've put a rather caustic notice on the communal hall table though reminding my anyone passing that tampering with mail is illegal and tampering with a cancer patient's medical equipment is sick. I would have popped into our local police station yesterday to have a chat but you can't do that now...you have to plan ahead and book an appointment...
Anyway, I've some knitting to do whilst watching a great National Geographic documentary about weird underwater creatures. Second gratitude for the day is definitely satellite TV...and third is having mastered making a mitre in a moss stitch border band. Apologies to anyone who doesn't knit and doesn't have a clue what I'm on about. Methinks perhaps I'm not appealing to the wider audience today ha ha!
I guess maybe I just want to set an example... or maybe subconsciously I think if I'm very good and die quietly they'll some back! Apologies to everyone reading this who has not experienced the half life of the terminally ill and doesn't get what I'm on about, or indeed, would rather I stopped! I will now I promise (for a while anyway!) I've put a rather caustic notice on the communal hall table though reminding my anyone passing that tampering with mail is illegal and tampering with a cancer patient's medical equipment is sick. I would have popped into our local police station yesterday to have a chat but you can't do that now...you have to plan ahead and book an appointment...
Anyway, I've some knitting to do whilst watching a great National Geographic documentary about weird underwater creatures. Second gratitude for the day is definitely satellite TV...and third is having mastered making a mitre in a moss stitch border band. Apologies to anyone who doesn't knit and doesn't have a clue what I'm on about. Methinks perhaps I'm not appealing to the wider audience today ha ha!
Dreams...
Well, I've been asleep for most of the time since last writing, which is good as I must have needed it and also it shows both mental and physical discomfort levels were low. I had loads of interesting dreams including an ex turning up and saying he loved me and me saying 'Are you sure?' and him explaining yes, it had just taken him a while to decide. In his case about twenty years! I also dreamt I was at Butlins with my son as a little boy and in another part I was watching the Red Arrows fly past here.
Dreams can be things your subconscious makes happen during sleep for all manner of reasons or something your mind yearns to make reality. Of the above only the last one has any chance of becoming real...and there is a very good chance it could of only someone would help me a little. There's a big air display just a short way down the road from here next month. I just need a bit of support with hills and crowds. I've put the plea on my status on Facebook and I'm just waiting to see if someone responds at all even if just to tell me they 'would love to' but its too far or they're too busy or whatever. Last year my son came down. We had the best time! Someone else heard about it and said they'd make a date in their diary for this year but I'm not sure that they meant that...
I've just realised most of the above fact and fantasies are interconnected! Anyway, ramble ramble...what about my gratitudes today? I'm grateful I feel fairly well and energetic enough for basics like showering and dressing and making food and eating it and catching up with mail. That will do for the first one...now I'd better go and do some of those things I'm capable of!
Dreams can be things your subconscious makes happen during sleep for all manner of reasons or something your mind yearns to make reality. Of the above only the last one has any chance of becoming real...and there is a very good chance it could of only someone would help me a little. There's a big air display just a short way down the road from here next month. I just need a bit of support with hills and crowds. I've put the plea on my status on Facebook and I'm just waiting to see if someone responds at all even if just to tell me they 'would love to' but its too far or they're too busy or whatever. Last year my son came down. We had the best time! Someone else heard about it and said they'd make a date in their diary for this year but I'm not sure that they meant that...
I've just realised most of the above fact and fantasies are interconnected! Anyway, ramble ramble...what about my gratitudes today? I'm grateful I feel fairly well and energetic enough for basics like showering and dressing and making food and eating it and catching up with mail. That will do for the first one...now I'd better go and do some of those things I'm capable of!
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
Many thanks
Good afternoon? Yes thanks!
The first 'thank you' is for Trevor the community nurse for sharing a hysterically funny session with me. I promised him I wouldn't put the details on here as it might make him sound unprofessionial. He isn't, but he's a great laugh...
Secondly I want to say a big THANK YOU to Rachel for my acupuncture as she didn't hear me the last time! I felt much better afterwards, calmer in spirit and livelier in body, and did loads of things in town afterwards including eating another delicious ice cream! There are so many different brands let alone flavours! I had strawberries and cream this time... on the sea front on a sunny bench and followed by a cup of tea. I also looked for a birthday card to send to Kostas. He's into fast cars and I wanted to find a card with a picture of one on it but the 'masculine' themes were golf, football, fishing, sex and beer! Kind of reminded me of an essay I did as a Social Anthropology student a few years back about the gender roles in children's dressing up costumes. Boys could firemen, policemen, doctors, pirates, intergalactic storm troopers and all manner of superheroes and villains. Girls could be...fairies, brides or nurses! Anyway I found a card in the end with lots of pictures of model cars...in the post office where I'd actually just gone to buy a stamp for one completely different.
And my third thank you is for the fantastic in-your-face colours of these carnations. They are pretty in pink but wow are they good in purple and deep coral red! My camera phone doesn't really do them justice...they are about three times as intense in real life.
The first 'thank you' is for Trevor the community nurse for sharing a hysterically funny session with me. I promised him I wouldn't put the details on here as it might make him sound unprofessionial. He isn't, but he's a great laugh...
Secondly I want to say a big THANK YOU to Rachel for my acupuncture as she didn't hear me the last time! I felt much better afterwards, calmer in spirit and livelier in body, and did loads of things in town afterwards including eating another delicious ice cream! There are so many different brands let alone flavours! I had strawberries and cream this time... on the sea front on a sunny bench and followed by a cup of tea. I also looked for a birthday card to send to Kostas. He's into fast cars and I wanted to find a card with a picture of one on it but the 'masculine' themes were golf, football, fishing, sex and beer! Kind of reminded me of an essay I did as a Social Anthropology student a few years back about the gender roles in children's dressing up costumes. Boys could firemen, policemen, doctors, pirates, intergalactic storm troopers and all manner of superheroes and villains. Girls could be...fairies, brides or nurses! Anyway I found a card in the end with lots of pictures of model cars...in the post office where I'd actually just gone to buy a stamp for one completely different.
And my third thank you is for the fantastic in-your-face colours of these carnations. They are pretty in pink but wow are they good in purple and deep coral red! My camera phone doesn't really do them justice...they are about three times as intense in real life.
The view from here and there
It's cool and grey again today...that's fine by me as far too tired and too busy for day tripping again for a while.
Yesterday I did indeed do things orange...and thinking of that is my first 'gold star' gratitude of the day. Jared and Sophie came and picked me up to go to a takeaway in the next little town along and then we drove the other way to a carpark with a magnificient view to eat it. It was very hazy so we couldn't see very far but what we could see was extra picturesque and ethereal with the pale sky and pale sea. Sometimes I feel as if I'm taking a snapshot in my mind then it seems I can really remember what things looked like when I look back...but I guess there's a memory of an emotional feeling that goes with an image too. A camera can't capture that but a picture can be a key that releases it.
Talking of which...I'm in the middle of writing a letter to my incarcerated penfriend. Because he's Greek and I've been to Greece a couple of times there is some common ground there and I've just been telling him about a trip I had when I flew from Rome to Athens. I don't really like flying much and prefer not to be by a window so I don't have to look any further down than the carpet on the floor of the plane but sometimes if there's something really spectacular to see I think well if I'm about to die I might as well enjoy the view! (Interesting how my erstwhile in-flight philosophy has extended to encompass my grounded days now!)
Anyway, on this particular occasion, once I realised how good the view actually was I demanded a turn in the window seat immediately! We were flying fairly low as not going far and as it was perfectly clear the landscape beneath us was like the large scale map in our hands coming to life with vehicles on the roads and boats in the harbour. Absolutely the best flight ever...though the spin round the summit of Snowdon in a De Havilland Rapide (rattly 1930s biplane) comes a close second. Highly recommend helicopter from Penzance to St Mary's too. I'm counting remembering all these as one gratitude today as a challenge to find more but they were all individually quite spendid. Feel the fear and do it anyway folks...otherwise you might miss the fun!
Yesterday I did indeed do things orange...and thinking of that is my first 'gold star' gratitude of the day. Jared and Sophie came and picked me up to go to a takeaway in the next little town along and then we drove the other way to a carpark with a magnificient view to eat it. It was very hazy so we couldn't see very far but what we could see was extra picturesque and ethereal with the pale sky and pale sea. Sometimes I feel as if I'm taking a snapshot in my mind then it seems I can really remember what things looked like when I look back...but I guess there's a memory of an emotional feeling that goes with an image too. A camera can't capture that but a picture can be a key that releases it.
Talking of which...I'm in the middle of writing a letter to my incarcerated penfriend. Because he's Greek and I've been to Greece a couple of times there is some common ground there and I've just been telling him about a trip I had when I flew from Rome to Athens. I don't really like flying much and prefer not to be by a window so I don't have to look any further down than the carpet on the floor of the plane but sometimes if there's something really spectacular to see I think well if I'm about to die I might as well enjoy the view! (Interesting how my erstwhile in-flight philosophy has extended to encompass my grounded days now!)
Anyway, on this particular occasion, once I realised how good the view actually was I demanded a turn in the window seat immediately! We were flying fairly low as not going far and as it was perfectly clear the landscape beneath us was like the large scale map in our hands coming to life with vehicles on the roads and boats in the harbour. Absolutely the best flight ever...though the spin round the summit of Snowdon in a De Havilland Rapide (rattly 1930s biplane) comes a close second. Highly recommend helicopter from Penzance to St Mary's too. I'm counting remembering all these as one gratitude today as a challenge to find more but they were all individually quite spendid. Feel the fear and do it anyway folks...otherwise you might miss the fun!
Monday, 11 July 2011
Post of many colours
Forgot to put two more happy things in earlier. 4) is West Country ice cream. You saddos who live elsewhere have no idea what you're missing. I'd only been down here nine or ten years but I'd forgotten it wasn't the same everywhere until I went to visit my son in Sheffield a while back. We were in the city and it was mad hot and I wanted an ice cream and we kept going from shop to shop with me saying 'Where do you get real ones?' and neither Bob nor the shopkeepers having any idea what I meant! Then he came to visit me and found out. West country ice cream comes in pastel shades as it is made of cream and real fruit or toffee or whatever and it tastes divine!
And 5) is coloured clouds. Once in a while even when it's not sunset or the Red Arrows have recently flown past you get coloured clouds. I don't know why but you do! I could look it up in the Cloud Spotter's Guide because I know they were mentioned in there (to my great relief...so many people have looked at me askance when trying to decribe the phenomena). The little rainbow ones are the best, I've seen a couple of those in my time (with collaborative witnesses thank goodness!)but today there was a patch or pinky peach fading to greeny blue in the increasingly white washed sky. I tried to take a photo of it with my smart phone and even set it up on a wall to reduce camera shake but of course it didn't really show and as I got my finger in front of the lens and that did show I'm not going to put the picture on here. You'll just have to take my word for it. Coloured clouds are great!
There may be more happinesses to come yet today. There should be but I'm not going to tempt fate by telling you what I anticipate. I'm just going to have a shower with my fingers crossed and put on something fairly tidy but that I don't mind if I spill orange things on!
And 5) is coloured clouds. Once in a while even when it's not sunset or the Red Arrows have recently flown past you get coloured clouds. I don't know why but you do! I could look it up in the Cloud Spotter's Guide because I know they were mentioned in there (to my great relief...so many people have looked at me askance when trying to decribe the phenomena). The little rainbow ones are the best, I've seen a couple of those in my time (with collaborative witnesses thank goodness!)but today there was a patch or pinky peach fading to greeny blue in the increasingly white washed sky. I tried to take a photo of it with my smart phone and even set it up on a wall to reduce camera shake but of course it didn't really show and as I got my finger in front of the lens and that did show I'm not going to put the picture on here. You'll just have to take my word for it. Coloured clouds are great!
There may be more happinesses to come yet today. There should be but I'm not going to tempt fate by telling you what I anticipate. I'm just going to have a shower with my fingers crossed and put on something fairly tidy but that I don't mind if I spill orange things on!
Unsuitable behaviour
Well, I made it to the beach, just before the tide came in and hid it!
I had no idea how feeble I was until I got outdoors. Sometimes you have more energy doing something nice instead of boring chores and I was sure I'd be skipping along when I got near the sea but I felt absolutely exhausted and only moved from place to place if I needed a cuppa or the loo or not to drown etc. Every time I sat down I felt not so much settled as stuck and I thought like Aschenbach in Death in Venice I might just stay there for ever gazing into the haze. Not that there were any beautiful androgynous young men in stripey cozzies, well not that I saw anyway! Neither were there any dolphins to be seen though I looked and looked and looked.
The guy at the cafe was having a look too. I said it would have been a nice day for them...no jet skis etc and he said the other day they came across the bay and there were people on jet skis in the middle and the dolphins went to have a play with them. He said the customers kept saying 'They shouldn't be doing that!' and he kept having to explain it was the dolphins idea! So for 3)let's hear it for rebel dolphins eh? For risk taking, thrill seeking dolphins who do what they shouldn't now and then.
There was a packet from me from the hospital on the hall table when I got downstairs on the way out, well a large envelope with a little lump in it. I didn't think it was appropriate to take it with me but didn't have the energy to take it back up all the flights of stairs so left it where it was and when I got back my evil neighbour had opened it (to see if it was worth stealing) and rendered it unsterile. I know this is not the place to moan and but I've tried telling the police, her landlord, the council and my MP all to no avail so I thought I'd ask you all to combine your cosmic powers and make this behaviour STOP! Thank you!!!
You can see I have a very subjective take on what's unsuitable beahviour. Don't we all?
I had no idea how feeble I was until I got outdoors. Sometimes you have more energy doing something nice instead of boring chores and I was sure I'd be skipping along when I got near the sea but I felt absolutely exhausted and only moved from place to place if I needed a cuppa or the loo or not to drown etc. Every time I sat down I felt not so much settled as stuck and I thought like Aschenbach in Death in Venice I might just stay there for ever gazing into the haze. Not that there were any beautiful androgynous young men in stripey cozzies, well not that I saw anyway! Neither were there any dolphins to be seen though I looked and looked and looked.
The guy at the cafe was having a look too. I said it would have been a nice day for them...no jet skis etc and he said the other day they came across the bay and there were people on jet skis in the middle and the dolphins went to have a play with them. He said the customers kept saying 'They shouldn't be doing that!' and he kept having to explain it was the dolphins idea! So for 3)let's hear it for rebel dolphins eh? For risk taking, thrill seeking dolphins who do what they shouldn't now and then.
There was a packet from me from the hospital on the hall table when I got downstairs on the way out, well a large envelope with a little lump in it. I didn't think it was appropriate to take it with me but didn't have the energy to take it back up all the flights of stairs so left it where it was and when I got back my evil neighbour had opened it (to see if it was worth stealing) and rendered it unsterile. I know this is not the place to moan and but I've tried telling the police, her landlord, the council and my MP all to no avail so I thought I'd ask you all to combine your cosmic powers and make this behaviour STOP! Thank you!!!
You can see I have a very subjective take on what's unsuitable beahviour. Don't we all?
Follow me...
Good morning!
Heavens where are all these followers coming from? I must be careful not to confuse 'followers' with 'fans' though I guess ha ha!
I am determined to get out of the door by noon (yes...with sunscreen and a hat even if it's clouded over by then in case the sun comes back!) I want to find a place near the sea and sit for a while and feel good. There is so much to do beforehand tho!. I was just making a snack to take and wished I had someone to delegate chores to, or even say 'let me do that!. I can dimly remember these exalted states though to be fair a lot of it is stuff only I can really do like sorting out my 'personal' care and trying to rearrange this strange re-upholstery the cosmos has sent me in place of my hair so the aforementioned hat will actually sit on my head rather than resting above like some feat of levitation!
Between little bursts of activity I have to take little rests so that's how I'm finding time to write this! It also means I can think I mustn't forget to take such and such, or do so and so before I go and then see if I actually remember when I get up again.
Anyway I'm grateful for the brilliant sunshine luring me outside (1) and for living somewhere where the sea is within reach (2) even if I have to s-t-r-e-t-c-h myself these days to get there!
Heavens where are all these followers coming from? I must be careful not to confuse 'followers' with 'fans' though I guess ha ha!
I am determined to get out of the door by noon (yes...with sunscreen and a hat even if it's clouded over by then in case the sun comes back!) I want to find a place near the sea and sit for a while and feel good. There is so much to do beforehand tho!. I was just making a snack to take and wished I had someone to delegate chores to, or even say 'let me do that!. I can dimly remember these exalted states though to be fair a lot of it is stuff only I can really do like sorting out my 'personal' care and trying to rearrange this strange re-upholstery the cosmos has sent me in place of my hair so the aforementioned hat will actually sit on my head rather than resting above like some feat of levitation!
Between little bursts of activity I have to take little rests so that's how I'm finding time to write this! It also means I can think I mustn't forget to take such and such, or do so and so before I go and then see if I actually remember when I get up again.
Anyway I'm grateful for the brilliant sunshine luring me outside (1) and for living somewhere where the sea is within reach (2) even if I have to s-t-r-e-t-c-h myself these days to get there!
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Second post
You see what I did there? I used up all my happiness counting before lunch time...and there was nothing left for the rest of the day!
Some people have expressed surprise that I've been writing posts more than once every day, and I've tried to explain it like this: It works best for me if I record the things that make me feel good as soon as possible after they happen. If you wait too long the happiness kind of evaporates and by evening the sense of celebration, unless very intense, can't be recaptured but just written like an exercise. I also said that must be why people drink in the evening...to wet their happiness...but that's just my rather odd sense of humour!
Today I think the reverse happened and I crammed lots of little delights in too quickly and didn't savour each one. Then my mood sunk low which it can do for so many really quite valid reasons and by the time I started writing this I was looking back on this afternoon and the evening so far and I couldn't see any glimmers of things to be grateful for at all. But then I remembered some of the hold-your-breath overtaking in the Grand Prix, and the taste of the crumble I made for my tea, and having a little real time text chat with Clive and a couple of messages from other people, and the brightness that finally appeared at sunset around the edge of the cloud that's been hanging overhead all day (meteorologically not metaphorically)...and realised it wasn't all so very bad.
If identifying the good bits was always easy there'd be no need to would there?
Some people have expressed surprise that I've been writing posts more than once every day, and I've tried to explain it like this: It works best for me if I record the things that make me feel good as soon as possible after they happen. If you wait too long the happiness kind of evaporates and by evening the sense of celebration, unless very intense, can't be recaptured but just written like an exercise. I also said that must be why people drink in the evening...to wet their happiness...but that's just my rather odd sense of humour!
Today I think the reverse happened and I crammed lots of little delights in too quickly and didn't savour each one. Then my mood sunk low which it can do for so many really quite valid reasons and by the time I started writing this I was looking back on this afternoon and the evening so far and I couldn't see any glimmers of things to be grateful for at all. But then I remembered some of the hold-your-breath overtaking in the Grand Prix, and the taste of the crumble I made for my tea, and having a little real time text chat with Clive and a couple of messages from other people, and the brightness that finally appeared at sunset around the edge of the cloud that's been hanging overhead all day (meteorologically not metaphorically)...and realised it wasn't all so very bad.
If identifying the good bits was always easy there'd be no need to would there?
Small things
Today I got in touch with my inner hobbit and had second breakfast! I've always had a big appetite for a small person and now I'm so much less mobile I've been getting less small. It's easy for someone with cancer to think any health problem is 'it'. But in all honesty, loss of apetetite in me is probably my body gently reminding me I don't actually need 2000+ calories a day any more! Still it's nice to be peckish again and a slice of mixed grain toast and home made marmalade can probably be doubled without danger of imminent obesity.
It's not widely publicised but one of the last easily accessible places where hobbits and humans mingled freely was on of the Isles of Scilly. There's a shortage of trees there so their domestic architecture had to adapt to the surroundings...
...one or two still remain, in plain sight but easily overlooked by taller passers by.
I've just read Carole's comment elsewhere suggesting that, in order enjoy breakfast in bed, I needed to move my bed into the kitchen. It reminded me that I did in fact live for a few months a few years ago in a bedsit so tiny I could open the fridge door whist lying on my futon. As long as I only wanted yoghurt breakfast in bed was as easy as...um...yoghurt.
So far today then I'm grateful for appetite and hobbits and the Scilly Isles and being observant and not living in a tiny place. Wow, this is getting easy isn't it? ha ha!
It's not widely publicised but one of the last easily accessible places where hobbits and humans mingled freely was on of the Isles of Scilly. There's a shortage of trees there so their domestic architecture had to adapt to the surroundings...
...one or two still remain, in plain sight but easily overlooked by taller passers by.
I've just read Carole's comment elsewhere suggesting that, in order enjoy breakfast in bed, I needed to move my bed into the kitchen. It reminded me that I did in fact live for a few months a few years ago in a bedsit so tiny I could open the fridge door whist lying on my futon. As long as I only wanted yoghurt breakfast in bed was as easy as...um...yoghurt.
So far today then I'm grateful for appetite and hobbits and the Scilly Isles and being observant and not living in a tiny place. Wow, this is getting easy isn't it? ha ha!
Saturday, 9 July 2011
It's only words
My fourth gratitude of the day is to Carole for showing me how to change the settings on here so people can comment if they should want to even if they're not bloggers themselves. I hadn't really considered that people might want to when I started to be honest and I was also a bit scared people would want to tell me off, or tell me things I was doing wrong, or thinking wrong etc. There's been a whole lot of that in my life and I reckon I can pretty much manage on what I've stored up over the years even if I live for a very long time! Criticism may be intended to be constructive but not as often as as those who bestow like to think it is often in my experience. Plus if I'm trying to be mindful to keep my own negativity off here as far as possible there's no sense in letting the atmosphere be spoiled by someone else's or having an argument break out below my posts!
The way things are set up now I read and approve any comments before they are added so even if someone wanted to say something unkind or unsupportive I can just delete it before it gets on the page. But I do have to remember to check the place where comments await approval! If you do say something and it doesn't appear on screen right away that's why... And thank you too, by the way, for all the nice things you have said. If what I post is inspiring anyone to do anything creative or think more appreciatively about ordinary things often hardly noticed at all then my mission is being accomplished. Excellent!
Lastly, in the background whilst I've been being Kim and Aggie stroke creative genius I've had Bill Wyman doing a history of the Blues on Sky Arts from how Fats Domino made everyone feel good to Bishopstock. Bishopstock I thought? Bishopstock... hmm why does that sound familiar? Oh yes, I know why...I went one year! Drinking early Grey whilst watching Van Morrison in the sunshine...very civilised I thought! Another happy memory to brighten up my day.
The way things are set up now I read and approve any comments before they are added so even if someone wanted to say something unkind or unsupportive I can just delete it before it gets on the page. But I do have to remember to check the place where comments await approval! If you do say something and it doesn't appear on screen right away that's why... And thank you too, by the way, for all the nice things you have said. If what I post is inspiring anyone to do anything creative or think more appreciatively about ordinary things often hardly noticed at all then my mission is being accomplished. Excellent!
Lastly, in the background whilst I've been being Kim and Aggie stroke creative genius I've had Bill Wyman doing a history of the Blues on Sky Arts from how Fats Domino made everyone feel good to Bishopstock. Bishopstock I thought? Bishopstock... hmm why does that sound familiar? Oh yes, I know why...I went one year! Drinking early Grey whilst watching Van Morrison in the sunshine...very civilised I thought! Another happy memory to brighten up my day.
Ag inners
Well, you might have thought my first happiness of the day might have been a bit lame so how about this one for the second? Realising how much better I am at cleaning than my ex-cleaner ha ha! For one thing I actually get in the bath so I can reach the tiles up the wall behind not just dab around the bits to hand. Perhaps this is beyond the call of duty for a cleaner these days...used to do it when I was one though! Also I clean the outside of the sink and the loo as well as the insides, dry surfaces as well as wet them, take off the vacuum end so I can get right up to the corners of the floors and run along the skirtings too. OK, I can only do a short session at a time but much more productively and in the long run more quickly too. It doesn't take me two minutes to get one stainless steel canister shiny again for instance, twenty seconds will do. Plus I put things back where they actually go not where I think is better as they were in the best place in the first place 'actually'.
This rant may convince you I'm a cantankerous old bat who doesn't deserve help with her dirty work anyway. I refer you to my spokesperson for comment on this. Butler's the name, Rhett Butler!
Thirdly, my free facepack from Lush to make up for them being out of stock of my favourite is absolutely...um...what's the word? Oh yes...Lush! It's virtually indistinguishable from the one they didn't have. Obviously if I'd known that I'd just have bought the replacement which would have meant they missed the opportunity for good customer service and I'd have missed a free face mask. Ideal!
This rant may convince you I'm a cantankerous old bat who doesn't deserve help with her dirty work anyway. I refer you to my spokesperson for comment on this. Butler's the name, Rhett Butler!
Thirdly, my free facepack from Lush to make up for them being out of stock of my favourite is absolutely...um...what's the word? Oh yes...Lush! It's virtually indistinguishable from the one they didn't have. Obviously if I'd known that I'd just have bought the replacement which would have meant they missed the opportunity for good customer service and I'd have missed a free face mask. Ideal!
Weak end?
It's totally daft but even though it's more than thirty years since I had a 'normal' working week or, indeed regularly associated with anyone else who does, but there's still a residual cultural yearning to be doing something extra nice in the evenings and at weekends! I lay in bed for two hours this morning trying to get enthusiasm for seeing even a slightly different horizon to override the increasing effort required to get to one. I gave up and read the Radio Times to see what home based horizon expansion might be on offer..
There was an article about how, after the initial euphoria at the end of World war II some people who had paradoxically enjoyed its 'live for the moment' freedoms found it it hard to adjust. There was a quote from a 1954 novel set in the period, in which a character mourned this time as when 'people used to talk and sing and love; they used to meet; and above all they used to live'. There are a hundred and one reasons, I know, why neither war time joy nor lonely ill health may seem appropriate things to celebrate but reading those words, which summed up so well my feelings both yesterday evening and this morning, actually comforted me. It felt as if someone understood. An illusion of empathy, yes I know, but that's better than none sometimes. Something made me smile when all I'd been doing was sighing and feeling sad...don't knock it!
There was an article about how, after the initial euphoria at the end of World war II some people who had paradoxically enjoyed its 'live for the moment' freedoms found it it hard to adjust. There was a quote from a 1954 novel set in the period, in which a character mourned this time as when 'people used to talk and sing and love; they used to meet; and above all they used to live'. There are a hundred and one reasons, I know, why neither war time joy nor lonely ill health may seem appropriate things to celebrate but reading those words, which summed up so well my feelings both yesterday evening and this morning, actually comforted me. It felt as if someone understood. An illusion of empathy, yes I know, but that's better than none sometimes. Something made me smile when all I'd been doing was sighing and feeling sad...don't knock it!
Friday, 8 July 2011
Crafty piece of work
My fifth gratitude of the day is that, astonishingly, despite what seems to have been mostly inactivity I seem to have got quite a lot done...even ironing and cleaning the loo! Yes, I know...it's hard to believe...but all you have to do is keep travelling back in time until you're finished!
I've also unpicked the first eighteen inches or so of the Oxfam blanket edging as it wasn't looking right in rib. It's moss stitch now and looks much better. And experimentally sewn a couple of leaves on my tree as I wasn't sure of the best way to do it. I'll decide for sure in daylight.
The trick now (and one I rarely master) is winding down and relaxing properly without actually falling asleep. This is when company would be good...or even a virtual conversation. I know...I'll go back in time to when these things we're not quite so very rare.
PS...Pat and Lyn, when you're ready try again!
I've also unpicked the first eighteen inches or so of the Oxfam blanket edging as it wasn't looking right in rib. It's moss stitch now and looks much better. And experimentally sewn a couple of leaves on my tree as I wasn't sure of the best way to do it. I'll decide for sure in daylight.
The trick now (and one I rarely master) is winding down and relaxing properly without actually falling asleep. This is when company would be good...or even a virtual conversation. I know...I'll go back in time to when these things we're not quite so very rare.
PS...Pat and Lyn, when you're ready try again!
Replay
After my last post I went on Amazon to see if I could find that book. It's called Replay by the way. And there are loads of editions now and it is readily available and widely acclaimed. You can even buy a study guide should you be so inclined. So there you go...my impromptu review all those years ago was justified. I like that. That's my third happy thought for the day!
While I was on there I thought I'd better get some new music for my new mp3 player. Thought I'd start by seeing what was on special offer...even if I hadn't heard of it ha ha! The first album on promotion was the new one by YES. YES I had to double check that too...had I slipped back in time myself? Apparently not! Gave that a miss and went right back beyond to Fats Domino...that should see me through some grim times, not too miserably 'blue' and lively enough to have me waggling my toes and swaying gently but not actually detaching the life support system to get up and dance. That'll be the next selection... There's a few tracks I swear could bring me out of a coma! So my fourth gratitude is for the miracle of (fairly) modern technology that allows us to just click and choose.
There's so many chores awaiting attention today I decided the only sensible course of action was to move 'catch up with favourite movies' to the top of the list. Must get back to Jake Gyllenhall's manic smile in Donnie Darko. Definitely a time travel theme today...
While I was on there I thought I'd better get some new music for my new mp3 player. Thought I'd start by seeing what was on special offer...even if I hadn't heard of it ha ha! The first album on promotion was the new one by YES. YES I had to double check that too...had I slipped back in time myself? Apparently not! Gave that a miss and went right back beyond to Fats Domino...that should see me through some grim times, not too miserably 'blue' and lively enough to have me waggling my toes and swaying gently but not actually detaching the life support system to get up and dance. That'll be the next selection... There's a few tracks I swear could bring me out of a coma! So my fourth gratitude is for the miracle of (fairly) modern technology that allows us to just click and choose.
There's so many chores awaiting attention today I decided the only sensible course of action was to move 'catch up with favourite movies' to the top of the list. Must get back to Jake Gyllenhall's manic smile in Donnie Darko. Definitely a time travel theme today...
Waves of hysteria
A long nap on the sofa in the evening can mean a restless start to the night with all kinds of dark places for a soul to go to. But sometimes, when it's very still, when all the neighbours and neighbourhood creatures are sleeping and my bedroom window's open...I can hear the waves breaking on the beach. What a treat is that! Definitely my first happy thought of the day at around oh one hundred hours.
That's reminded me of a memory that makes me smile. So it can be No 2 for the day! One night I was reading a totally gripping book from the library about a man who kept slipping backwards and forwards in his life. It was written many years before The Time Traveller's Wife and, I think, much better. In fact, long before the internet and Amazon were a way of life I travelled the rural Welsh county I lived in to find a bookshop that would trawl the world to find a second hand copy of this out of print gem for me and paid a good deal more than I'd normally have paid for a new one! That good!
Anyway I could not stop reading it...I just had to carry on to the end before I finally switched off the bedside light and settled down to sleep. My last thought before I drifted off was that I must tell my then best friend next day so she could read it too. But then I was wide awake again! What if I died in the night and didn't get a chance to tell her and she missed out on the wonderful experience I'd just had? Hastily I turned on the light again and found something to write on and scrawled 'Please read this' on a scrap of paper and settled down again. But then, just as sleep over took me another thought popped into my head...If I did die in the night then in all the kerfuffle afterwards a scrap of paper saying 'Please read this' would either get lost altogether or separated from the book and misconstrued as some kind of cryptic clue in the investigation of my sudden demise. So I had to turn on the light again and write a proper note naming the friend and naming the book before I could finally get some rest.
I love this story! I love remembering my amiably batty self from twenty odd years ago. I no longer have the friend, I no longer have the book as some other friend borrowed it and wandered off. But I have the memory, safe and close and constant to make me smile again.
That's reminded me of a memory that makes me smile. So it can be No 2 for the day! One night I was reading a totally gripping book from the library about a man who kept slipping backwards and forwards in his life. It was written many years before The Time Traveller's Wife and, I think, much better. In fact, long before the internet and Amazon were a way of life I travelled the rural Welsh county I lived in to find a bookshop that would trawl the world to find a second hand copy of this out of print gem for me and paid a good deal more than I'd normally have paid for a new one! That good!
Anyway I could not stop reading it...I just had to carry on to the end before I finally switched off the bedside light and settled down to sleep. My last thought before I drifted off was that I must tell my then best friend next day so she could read it too. But then I was wide awake again! What if I died in the night and didn't get a chance to tell her and she missed out on the wonderful experience I'd just had? Hastily I turned on the light again and found something to write on and scrawled 'Please read this' on a scrap of paper and settled down again. But then, just as sleep over took me another thought popped into my head...If I did die in the night then in all the kerfuffle afterwards a scrap of paper saying 'Please read this' would either get lost altogether or separated from the book and misconstrued as some kind of cryptic clue in the investigation of my sudden demise. So I had to turn on the light again and write a proper note naming the friend and naming the book before I could finally get some rest.
I love this story! I love remembering my amiably batty self from twenty odd years ago. I no longer have the friend, I no longer have the book as some other friend borrowed it and wandered off. But I have the memory, safe and close and constant to make me smile again.
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