Lucid

You know when you know you're dreaming? That sounds like the beginning of a quip or a joke doesn't it, but it's not, it's just me setting the scene for telling you about my dream last night. I'd met up with a bunch of old friends and acquaintances and was walking in the countryside with my cousin Sally (that's Adam's sister for regular readers who like to keep track). The field in front of us was suddenly inundated by a big wave so we stopped and began to turn back but in the distance we could see the sea with huge waves splashing about and big dips in between where the water had built up to make them. We were going 'Oh Wow!, scared but fascinated but I thought it looked a bit over dramatic and then I looked at Sally and said 'This is a dream isn't it? If it's a dream, let's fly!' and we did that jumping up diving into the air thing you do when you fly in your dreams and flew off. I'm grateful for a bit of fun with my (almost) subconscious...

Gratitude too that I've done so much more today than I imagined I would, including mending the lamp that fell over and broke while I was trying to get to the hard to get to part of the room to do the work that's not been done because it's so hard to get to. The ceramic base broke but round the back where the wire goes in and in (mostly) one big piece that fitted back in the hole. The other bits either vaporised or fell through a worm hole in the carpet so I didn't have to try to arrange them around the join so I'm kind of grateful for that. The bulb didn't break either though the shade took quite a battering protecting it...but I have new shades waiting for when the lamps have a less adventurous life. And I'm very very grateful the last bit of wall is now painted with some spare emulsion (thanks John and Jo!) and ready for lining paper (thanks Heidi and Ivor!) and top paper and paint (thanks Laura and me!).

I give thanks for a bit of a text chat with Bob and with Pat from the hospital saying that she's doing OK after her op yesterday and that my day's chores are over apart from finishing my Tesco order so that some lounging on my displaced sofa is on its way.

Lea

Funny dreams again last night. In part of one I had a house full of people I didn't know very well (including some cancerchat friends) and my son who was about 10 or so in the dream came into the room we were in and emptied a dustbin bag full of old shoes onto the living room floor in front of everyone. When I asked why he said he was looking for a Kit-kat. I looked in the cupboards but I didn't have any Kit-kats so offered him some other wrapped chocolate biscuits and bars which he took a fistful of for his friends but explained he still needed a Kit-kat wrapper to vote. I never found out what for...

I'm feeling rather poorly again today and though I'm up and washed and dressed I'd rather just read a book or watch a movie or sit looking out of the window at the leaves falling off the tree just outside and the crows or rooks or whatever they are swirling and circling and almost landing on an evergreen one further away in some incomprehensible activity of their own. I'm grateful for a peaceful state of mind and chores that can be done in instalments. Put the washing on, sit down, iron a sheet, sit down, do the drying up, sit down, and then round again hanging up the laundry, ironing another crumpled thing or two and doing some more washing up with more rests in between. I'm grateful for the bits I get done and the bits I stop and for the various wonders of fairly modern technology that make sort of these tasks so relatively easy now. I'd need a housemaid or a husband if not!

I give thanks for the delightful young woman from the Council who keeps battling with the building freeholder to keep up with his obligations. She popped in today to check for herself that something he promised would be done hasn't before she issues a legal notice and we had a good gossip about him which is probably highly inappropriate but fun all the same. She was exclaiming in delight over my flat as she's not looked round before. I know people wonder sometimes why I live here but when you see it you realise. I am SO grateful to be here!

I give thanks for feeling a bit peckish. I've put a potato in to bake and I'll top it with mushrooms in cream cheese and pesto sauce when it's ready for my lea (last time I mentioned this only Carole understood!) and if I keep busy til then I think some full on slobbing out (sorry, 'rest and recuperation') will be on order. I'm grateful for having all the ingredients to hand for all of the above...

Dry land

Ran out of steam to type last night but I give thanks for the stunning imagery on Frozen Planet...I'm not particularly fond of watching things hunt and kill each other but the orca pod making waves to tip seals off floating ice was scarily clever. I'm glad we don't have creatures like those on dry land but I'm grateful we have such excellent natural history documentary makers in this country and that people still believe it's money well spent. And for David Attenburgh's continuing vigour...they're just not the same without him! The cameramen and crew work hardest though and the scenery shots above, below and in the ice were breathtaking as was seeing the male polar bears standing up on their hind legs to fight over a female. That was just the first episode...I had a little doze while the second one recorded. I give gratitude for having the peace and space to nap when I want to, to eat and drink and wash and clean and so on pretty much whenever I feel like it and not having to justify myself or meet anyone's expectations. There are some advantages to a solitary life!

Despite all the dropping off during the day I slept long and mostly soundly and dreamt I was going to one of the carpet shops in town to perhaps choose a new one for the living room rather than just half heartedly glance at what was on offer like I did a few weeks ago. The first thing I that caught my eye when I walked in was a big black cat waking and stretching itself on a pile of samples and then I spotted another and another and they began to come and wreathe round my legs purring and pushing their heads up to be stroked. Then some friendly dogs came too. It was a lovely dream but I don't remember much about actually selecting carpet which is tentatively on my to do list for today! I hope the weather eases and my own vigour increases so I can go and see what they've got that I might fancy/afford before my acupuncture this afternoon.

Making waves

There was a tiny puppy on the beach today...I've seen bigger shoes! I think it might have been the first time its owner had brought it as she kept trying to get the little thing interested in the sea but it was as if the sea was just too big for it to notice. When it got its feet wet it ran back up onto the dry sand but otherwise no reaction. The tide had not long turned and quite a few dogs were being exercised on the gradually growing strip of beach so the puppy was more fascinated by the smells than anything else until a first a large stick and then a large wet Labrador hurtled past it. It watched for a moment or two apparently assessing the situation and then dashed off on hot pursuit! Made me laugh out loud...thanks for that, pup!

It reminded me of the first time Fraser saw the sea. He was older as we lived inland but not yet fully grown. There were a few of us went to the coast and we parked the car close by the shore and headed towards it. Fraser was trotting along beside me when suddenly he caught sight of the water and he stopped stock still and gazed and gazed and gazed. I let him off the lead but he still just stood there, until someone finally threw a stick for him and after a few seconds' hesitation he literally took the plunge, jumped in and went swimming after it.

I give thanks for the happy sight of happy people and dogs enjoying the last of the summer. And for being one of them! It was a real effort to get down there today but never put off til tomorrow what you may never have the chance to do again! I gazed and gazed and gazed and also remembered my dream last night in which I was doing just that but with the purpose of making waves. I'd stare at the mostly flat water for a while and a ridge of water would begin to emerge and grow in length and height and until it could roll in to break on the sand, then I'd make another! I was quite proud of my new skill and showing it to people but it wasn't called making waves in my dream...I can't remember what it was though!

This evening I'm very tired and grateful for leftovers from tea last night to heat up if I can summon an appetite when I've finished typing (and re-typing) this. I hope Tony's feeling better, that Carole continues to beat the NHS into submission and Pat's appointment goes OK. I had to phone the community nursing team twice today to confirm they'd remembered to come today instead of tomorrow. The first time I left a message as I couldn't get through, the second time they said they'd no record of me calling last week about the change, then someone turned up and we joked that I'd probably get someone tomorrow as well (or lots of frantic messages as I won't be here) and then about half an hour after that another nurse turned up unaware that the first one has been.

Let's hope patient transport is a bit more organised. I phoned them earlier to confirm by booking and they said yes they'd confirmed it with the driver and he'd be there but usually the driver actually gets in touch with you persoanlly to agree times and any other other arrangements and it seems they've discontinued this useful practice. I volunteered to work for them some time ago but my health deteriorated too much for reliable attendance before they'd completed all the police checks etc and I had to back out.

I've been making some things for them to sell at fundraising events. Not waves, but a cushion cover with a wavy border and a soft fluffy scarf with multi coloured flecks in. I'm grateful for the fun I had making these and I hope they are grateful to receive them!

Naked men

Only slept fitfully, nothing to do with naked men but with my various infirmities. Just before I woke up late morning though I was having a dream in which I was living back in Newtown, Powys and had just bought some boots from Pryce Jones which is a shop that closed down years ago. It must have been Adam's old photos that reminded me. I was in a kitchen with some people I knew in my dream but not when I woke up if you know what I mean. There was a woman doing something at a worktop and a younger man sitting down and I was younger but still ill and struggling to get these quite smart boots on and get ready to go for some sort of interview. I was halfway up the stairs out of the room when I remembered I'd left my bag in the corner where I'd been sitting and I called Fraser to go and fetch it for me.

Fraser was a beloved blue roan and tan cocker spaniel from another era entirely who I probably could have trained to bring my bag to order. When I came home from a long day in the market he'd tenderly remove my scrunchie from my hair and he liked to put his canine 'arm' on you when napping by your side. Fraser ended up living with an ex boyfriend's mum when I moved down here. I thought I could come back for him, or see him when I visited but that's when the boyfriend became an ex and it wasn't to be. I still cry when I remember him (the dog, ha ha!)...the Fraser days were some of the happiest of my life and I give thanks that I had that happiness.

When I think about dying I think of Fraser waiting for me. My dad who loved to walk our childhood dogs is holding his lead and he's pulling and doing a sort of doggy paddle on the ground trying to get to me. They never met, my father died when I was fourteen of multiple diagnosed too late cancers and Fraser (who wasn't part of my life til Bob was sixteen) was put out of his own discomfort from a tumour a couple of years back. He spent the end of his days gazing out of the window at the river apparently. Now who does that remind you of eh?

As you can see, right from an early age he always took a keen interest in looking at things!

So what's all this got to do with naked men? Oh you know, just trying to get your attention! Well actually, when I couldn't sleep in the night I was looking at some emails Lynn had sent me. You know, the kind that go round mailing lists with interesting pictures of one sort or other...cute animals, or unusual tattoos or funny signs or whatever. And she'd sent me one of an animated clock made of unclothed male figures which I don't think would offend anyone so I've included a link to it here http://bit.ly/eeCGUW The dial face one is good but if you click on it you get a digital version that I actually like even more and the thing is they are actually telling the time! It took me a while to realise this, ha ha! Gratitude to Lynn for thinking I'd like this amusement...I did! It also brought to mind an email that went around the place I used to work a few years back that definitely would offend some people so I shall merely describe by saying it was entitled 'who wants to come to my sleepover?' and was composed of several several healthy looking 'real' men who appeared to have forgotten their pajamas but seemed not to be cold or embarrassed about it! Yes, gratitude for that memory too!

It's taken me hours to write this...apologies to new followers I have not welcomed personally yet, typing and swyping I find increasingly difficult to do especially if I want to create the real words I really mean first time... Last thanks for now is that the Singapore F1 qualifying is on late as it's a night race so I've managed to get in front of the TV in time to watch it! Now I'd better actually unhit the pause button to do so...

Down time

Thanks for the jar opening tip Pat. For anyone else like me with limited hand coordination...try putting the jar in the sink and pouring hot water over as the metal expands and if you wrap a tea towel round it quick it twists off with hardly any effort at all...

Last night I dreamt they were preparing me for burial but I decided as it was a nice day I'd wait til I was dead! It's not a particularly nice day here now I've woken up but I'd like to hang on a little while as I've still got a few things yet to do.

After my last post I had a shower and put my pjs on before it was properly dark...oh the delicious decadence of it! I watched X Factor and marvelled at how loved everybody was. All that hugging and kissing and tears of joy and pride! I love it that other people know what love is like even if it's just something they remember from long ago when they were little. It's very odd not having a clue and you can make some tragic mistakes about other people's intentions if you don't and be vulnerable to exploitation and abuse right into adulthood...

After that I watched Ben Fogle and Hugh Dennis drive some very silly roads in Peru. I've been a passenger as others drive on some pretty silly roads in my time...Morocco and Crete spring to mind...and it brought them all back. My jaw dropped like the canyons they were skirting and my hands gripped the cushions as tenaciously as their wheels gripped the precarious side of the road!

So gratitude that others have love, for being generous with my 'down' time even on days when I'm barely 'up' and for memories of motoring adventures even though they terrified me at the time!

What's his name?

This morning someone popped by from New Zealand (visited my blog I mean) and I noticed and wondered who I'd been talking to about New Zealand recently, I mean very recently, like in the last few hours... was puzzling for a minute or two and then I remembered it had been in my dream! It made me wonder whether to call this post 'down under' but wasn't sure if that name applied to just Australia.

When I googled the phrase of course there were links to the band Man at Work and that reminded me of a guy I went to art college with whose first major job was photographing them on tour after ‘Down Under’ was released. I was only at art college a term as I found out I was pregnant just after I started and I never saw him after I left though I did keep in touch with another fellow student for some years and he did keep in touch with whatever his name was so he gave me updates.
This all reminded me of a story that everyone who knows me has probably heard but you lot don’t know me so might enjoy...but it would help if I could remember the guy’s name and all I that I could recall was that we used to call him Big Dave! I knew what he looked like and where his parents used to live but that wasn’t much help even though he became quite well known in his own sphere of work. So I’ve been involved in a trawl of the internet trying to find out and now I have...and now I’ve got to check someone else’s name out and the name of a TV programme because they are verifiable too but have run out of time before going for my appointment even if I do find the details!

This morning I give thanks for being relatively alert and well to start the day.

I’m grateful that I have a story to tell even though I haven’t told it yet, and for the purposefulness of the research involved. I just hope you think it’s worth the build up and wait when you finally get to read it!

A bit fishy

Last night I dreamed that I didn't have long to live and was struggling to get to places and get things done while I was still able. Um...do you think I could get my money back on that one? Since when has that been a 'dream' exactly? It wasn't all bad though, I was with my son and in one part we were on a train going across Barmouth Bridge. At first it seemed as if the bridge wasn't there and the track simply came to an end in front of us in the sand at the edge of the water but then it re-materialised just in time and our journey continued smoothly across the estuary. It's so long since I've been up there I had to check on the internet that I wasn't imagining the bridge anyway, or at least it's position and trackworthiness.

Watched an edition of Coast from a few weeks back earlier and delighted to see favourite spots like Brixham and the Isles of Scilly if a little saddened that they might as well be Brisbane and the Seychelles these days even if only down (or off) the coast a little way in reality. I'm still on some Scilly emailing lists it seems...earlier today I had one entitled 'Think summer on Scilly isn't possible? think again!'. I called the sender a rude word in my head which wasn't very nice of me!

Later I discovered Sky had a new series about to start on its 'blockbusting' Atlantic channel...ten weeks of progmammes about...(drum roll, long pause)... Brixham! I'm not sure I'll be able to stand the dramatic delivery and tortuous poetry but the subject matter's good! It's charting a summer season with various jolly, and not so jolly, locals...

Anyway my final recorded thanks of the day are for teleporting in all its forms and for the 'olde worlde' chemist's in town that not only has unusual vintage premises including a mosaic doorstep but which also delivers prescriptions to your door and has done for me today. Sweet dreams and not too much nightmarish behaviour from neighbours is what's required right now.

Home thoughts from a bed

Woke up this morning and nothing hurt not even my heart or mind...I was comfortable all over!

I'd even had enjoyable dreams...in one part someone was showing me round interesting excavations of a castle and Roman walls. In another an old friend who apparently had a double life as a Spanish celebrity visited and bought us all T shirts before going off to his commitments. Then I was moving into a shared house with some more friends...dream friends not real ones if you know what I mean. There were some dead plants hung up in the kitchen and outside the front door and I potted up some cuttings of new plants and was working out how much string and how many beads I'd need to make macrame hangers and where to buy these things locally. There were some bits of furniture and we were moving them around to fit better. I said I had a six seater modern wood table that would go nicely in the kitchen diner and when they asked if it had chairs to go with it I couldn't visualise them...and then realised I didn't have the table either!

Sometimes when I have happy dreams they make me sad when I wake up and realise they're not true. I used to have wonderful dreams sometimes that I was completely totally unconditionally loved and I'd wake up, burst into tears and be in a miserable mood all day. I think you can't really miss what you've never really known but I also believe on another level that we've all known/know/will know everything anyway.

I tried to express this in a poem a couple of weeks back but it's hard not to sound a bit...can't think of a suitable word...imagine me pulling a horrid face and gesturing putting fingers down my throat! Sickly, mawkish, up oneself? This risk not withstanding here is 'wot I wrote' (something impossible for the over fifties to say without putting on an Ernie Wise accent!)

In other lifetimes I've been loved, I have not walked alone
There have been hands and hearts to hold, and arms to bear me home
The tears I shed in longing now, the sense of loss and pain
Are just my soul remembering that bliss awaits again


Now I'm off to see if I can do all the things I need to before I'm ready to go out and still feel up to actually going out when I've done so...

Late night extra

Just read about a seal getting trapped in the cooling tank at Hinkley Point power station and it reminded me of my dream last night in which there were baby seals playing just off the shore here... only because it was a dream it didn't look much like here of course. The seal cubs didn't look how I would have expected them to either, being totally black rather the dark brownish grey of the ones I've seen before and I kept looking at them in my dream to check that's what they were. The one in the picture in the news picture looks jet black too though...

It's not the first time I've had a 'premonition' dream about a news item but I usually only remember it properly when I actually see or hear the news so it not all that impressive...and the only time I've dreamt what the winning lottery numbers were they were all close but wrong.

There's also an item on the BBC pages about an experiment that attempts to mimic life as an isolated elderly person for young people to try. Apparently a lot of old people have failing health and little contact with the outside world, succumbing to loneliness and depression. Thank goodness I'm not likely to get there that's all I can say ha ha!

Oh well, off to bed if my pjs have warmed up enough on the radiator. It's so cold a hot water bottle wouldn't be excessive but we're almost at summer solstice and I'm not in a tent so that just wouldn't seem right. Not optimistic re how much tennis will actually be played at Wimbledon this week...the forecast's pretty awful. Oh well, maybe I'll get some more of my tree done if my eyes aren't fixed on the TV screen...