Deliverance

I give thanks for crying myself to sleep last night. Odd thing to be grateful for? Trust me, anything that releases me for a while from the weary dreariness of pain is fine by me. I give thanks for remembering being grateful for having nothing to look forward to recently. So much going on that's so difficult or disappointing, so much on the horizon that fills me with dismay or dread, and I was beginning to wish it otherwise so it was good to remember the clarity of realising the pointlessness of that.

I give thanks for an allegorical dream of being in a crowded discount store filling my trolley with delicious things to eat but unable to take them away as the aisles were gridlocked and the lights were turned out and the shop closed with us all just standing there with our would be nutritional treasure.

I give thanks for the strength to spend a lot of the day hanging out the kitchen window after discovering two items I'd thought would be arriving by post were on two separate courier vans.  I give thanks for one being trackable and for it arriving while Jenny was here to kindly go downstairs and collect it, and for perseverance and persuasiveness tracking down a phone number and response from the other driver so I could go down and collect it myself. I give thanks for realising somwhere during the process how pointless wanting new boots was anyway. I'm hardly likely to go anywhere, and it certainly wouldn't matter what I wear if I do!

I give thanks for things seen during my vigils... A flashing light fire engine arriving down the street, though I couldn't see or smell why, the white walls of houses up the hill beginning to glow as the sun dissolved some of the fog there, a seagull doing an optimistic worm dance instead of raiding the bins and several pairs of ironic monochrome magpies doing things that matter to magpies...

I give thanks for finding the most relaxing music ever (allegedly)... well, in 2011... http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/most-relaxing-songs-all-time-science/

Wonder wall

I give thanks for the extra hour - by 'eck I needed that! The better I feel the more I move around in the day, and the more my body protests about it in the night...

I give thanks for Mima scooping me up for a couple of extra hours out of here which is always welcome even though the sun went back in before she came. For tea and biscuits, chatting and challenging her elusive TV signal, and patting a cat! For my childish delight at her 'sea view' garden mural which a mutual friend who is an artist is not impressed with at all but is good treatment for a big wall in a small space and is softly coloured and simply detailed in a way I love.

I give thanks that my friends have such lovely places to live and sometimes let me visit...but on the whole one set of stairs per dwelling is enough for me right now! I give thanks for suddenly this morning coming up with the best idea for something new for MY dwelling which I thought would make an excellent response to Bob's query as to what I might like for a gift for a certain festival on the horizon...but even my famous internet search skills have so far failed to come up with a source without a lot of unnecessary wastage. I give thanks for coming up with something else along the way. It's very rarely anyone asks me what I'd like for a present...be a shame to let the opportunity go to waste.

I give thanks for making very nice porridge with rice milk and dried blueberries for breakfast...and something tasty with some ancient vegetables for tea. I give thanks for the wintry murkiness after sun down, but that the temperature is still only autumn mild.

Turning over a new flower

I give thanks for a dozy day. Although it's still hard to stay comfy for long at night a dozy day means the sciatica is being gentle enough for catch up naps. I give thanks for my tummy being a little sore as this is also a result of less pain elsewhere, encouraging greater freedom of movement...

I give thanks for a bit more tidying up the debris of delayed recuperation. For a lot of recuperation lounging around watching Glue (which is nothing like watching paint dry). For a little work on the flowers for a garland I'm making after rashly suggesting some months ago the knitting group could provide some Christmas decorations for the library. They are crochet of course but some of it will be knitted.

I give thanks for coveting a Joe Brown's dress a few seasons ago and coming across my size in an online outlet store at a far more comfortable price. I give thanks for not being a follower of fashion...and the durability of some of my whims and fancies.

I give thanks for finding the quantity of frozen raspberries that fell out of the bag into the ramekin, plus half a chopped up dessert apple, the lightest sprinkle of brown sugar and the remains of a part used packet of crumble mix was a perfect combination of fit in the dish and flavour for my tastebuds.

Turning over an old leaf

The good thing about the tree that grew too tall too near my window is that it was an excellent source of close up leaf pics...but it's OK to think about what's good about what's gone as long as you keep moving on...and appreciating what you've got. As Julie and I were musing on yesterday all you've really got is yourself, and our selves are merely a bundle of perceptions and interpretations when all is said and done, or left unsaid and undone...but I give thanks I also have a camera with a bit of a zoom, some more trees not far away...and for the first time in quite a while the inclination to open a window and poke the former at the latter!

I give thanks for Jan and Colin reminding me of good things gone and done...and not to stop believing there are more on the way however unlikely it sometimes seems. One of them was gardening in case you're wondering... admit it, you know you were...

I give thanks for a page turner of a 1p Amazon novel. A big chunk of it's set in a medical students' dissection room which is fascinating and also funny and makes me want to ask doctors about mnemonics from their training days if any of them could remember.

I give thanks for largely sticking to my Plan A and having a quiet day, despite the neighbours' commitment to a noisy one. For at one point playing a few punk classics as loud as the volume on my tablet would go. Stereo's louder obviously but I don't have one by the bed. It was good to rhythmically twiddle my toes while reminding the locals beneath the crippled hippy exterior there lurks a feisty rebel soul. I give thanks for less pain for longer periods of time again today. Preference is the scourge of equanimity, but I confess I still prefer not to hurt so much as I have been doing recently.

That's the way (uh huh)

I was so sleepy as I finished my post last night it was only after I'd published it I realised I'd meant to write 'place' not 'way' in the title. Oh well, I give thanks what I actually typed works too...

I give thanks I'm getting better at bathing. I've been allowed to for just over a week now but am sometimes too stiff and sore to try, and even though I can't have fragrant bubbles and struggle to maintain a suitably comfortable position for long, the warm water is so soothing and relaxing for the pain. After blogging yesterday I thought I'd try a quick dip and was just running the water when my neighbour from upstairs knocked on the flat door. I thought something must be wrong as she's home alone at the moment and wasn't keen to find out what...but she asked me if I wanted anything from the shop which is not a question I've ever been asked by a neighbour here! I said no thank you and then wallowed in delicious silence for several hours (which was even more of a treat!) as from the sounds of her trying to get in when she finally came home I reckon as many of her purchases came back in her bloodstream as well as her chinking bag.

I give thanks for Julie agreeing to facilitate a trip to the Post Office and back today. It feels as if the help I need right now is help getting back to doing things without help...but it's a transition that does need some assistance! I got washed and dressed (obviously) and sorted out various things that needed taking out or down the stairs...and carried them downstairs...walked from being dropped off more or less outside to inside and waited in a short (mercifully swift moving) queue alone and unaided. I give thanks when I got to within sight of the counter one member of staff collected my stuff to collect while another dealt with my stuff to send, and just when I was feeling absolutely stuffed Julie arrived to collect me and my packages and walk me to a restorative seat so I could regain my strength to get cash and get back to the car while she popped to the Co-op for a pint of milk for me. And then when she dropped me back home I declined any more help and got my bags and myself back up the stairs by myself too! None of this may seem like much to fit and strong readers but it felt like a great big achievement to me and I was very grateful to have achieved it!

I give thanks for a quick lunch and a very slow afternoon curled up almost comfy on my bed with some new books and old daydreams, and a little snooze or two

Beautiful way to live

I give thanks I live in the beautiful south. The beauty of the north stirs my soul and I have to get back there as often as I can...but in the south if you haven't the strength to change your duvet cover let alone the quilt itself you can survive late October under a summer tog (and maybe a fleecy throw)!

I give thanks for changing my sheet and pillowcases anyway. They weren't ironed which offended my sensibilities greatly...but I give thanks for being sensible enough not to press myself into action over this. Instead I give thanks for making it downstairs and back twice after finally wrestling my prescription deliveries out of the chemist's...but not all in one go for some unfathomable reason.

I give thanks for getting some sleep during another painful night, the golden light at sunrise and the pretty splashy clouds in the blue sky when I finally stirred for a cup of tea. For stirring some pesto into yesterdays leftover pasta to liven it up. For coping with the various busynesses of the day despite not feeling very lively after all of the above...

Linger on the pulse

I give thanks for last nights's curry medley including red lentil and veg something or other produced by me. I give thanks for eating it with Rachel, not just because she served it all up and washed up and dried up and put everything away, but because it's always a treat to eat with someone else who can wax lyrical over a legume!

I give thanks for her surprise when taking my pulses. There are way more ways to take them in Traditional Chinese Medicine than the modern Western sort, and the last time anyone in the latter discipline tested anything they were still muttering darkly over the results, but I've felt that things have been changing a lot in the last week or two and it's so good that someone agrees.

I give thanks that I had a little night reading to see me through some dark hours of pain later on. And for electricity, a bedside light, and no sleeping partner to disturb!

I give thanks for feeling remarkably human for a remarkable amount of today. There've been times when I've moved about not exactly normally, but like someone with a bit of a bad back not someone who can hardly move at all. And I've felt a little more able to do things and deal with things too, though I've still made myself do as little as possible as much as I can, as still seems the right thing to do. I give thanks my holes are healing so well now I actually phoned to cancel a nurse's visit instead of calling to beg one to come.

I give thanks for not winning a coat I had my eye on on eBay because I would have had to go over what I was willing to spend on something I'd not even seen. And for wondering whether to bid for another one today but not wanting to get caught up in escalating prices ...and then in the last ninety mins the vendor changed it to 'buy it now' at the original starting price which seemed a far better gamble so I did!

I give thanks for remembering there's a whole serving of last night's tea just waiting to be heated up for this evening's...

Gently does it

I sleep in fits and starts at night at the moment and I'm used to waking up for the umpteenth time to half light and wondering whether I might drop off for another hour or two. I give thanks there was nothing pressing to get up for today as the half light I woke to turned out to be darkness from low cloud and rain and the morning well on its way! I give thanks for the rumbling thunder.

I give thanks for doing a surprising amount of things eventually and gradually including getting up and dressed, washing my hair, cooking, washing up and having a bit of a superficial tidy. It's so easy to take these kinds of things for granted when they're easy but when they're not you realise what astonishingly complex and arduous tasks they are.

I give thanks that I have assembled some dishes for tea and that Rachel will come later and help me heat and serve them and serve me up a much needed acupuncture treatment after. I give thanks for roughly making my bed and gently lying on it til then.

Subjects of desire

I give thanks for contentedly giving in to my most constant cravings over the last couple of days - for frequent meals and naps. It feels very healthy to be so hungry, and very healing to catch up on some long overdue sleep. I give thanks though the pain is still evil at times, at times when it is easier I can hobble about making hasty tasty food and clearing up after a fashion (though not necessarily straight after the eating!)

I give thanks for managing to lower my domestic standards to within the range and duration of movement I can achieve...which after the cooking and washing up and doing minimal laundry isn't a lot at all. I give thanks for a brisk breeze blowing through a barely open window and drying some clean clothes on the rack.

I give being relaxed enough to get into reading a novel which hasn't happened for a while, and for having some put by to ready to read. I give thanks for a random convoluted sequence of clicks bringing me to a link to these great little explorations of stuff. No, I'm not being vague...they are about stuff!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b07zhp4v

I really like listening to the radio but like the TV I don't like a lot of what they put on, so I give thanks for thinking I should get into internet catch up for that as well, though whether I will of course is entirely a different matter... In the meantime, further signs of my recovery include a little light internet shopping. After a bit of pre-hospital rummaging I imagined I'd dug out enough cosy layers to see me through recuperation and the autumning of the days, but just in case I can't get to the place at the back of the cupboard under the stairs where the warmest garments are - or those places called shops -  before temperatures plummet no harm in picking up a few eBay bargains is there?

Lazy mixed up kid

I give thanks for last night's (con)fusion supper of Tesco 'Mediterranean' veg and grains topped with a fried egg. Clearly not any part of the Mediterranean where I've eaten local food before but passable pleasant and pleasingly quick from conception to clean plate. Then fancying a bit of something sweet for afters I had half a Peshwari naan, shaking my head at the assertion of the narrator in a series of documentaries on Indie music that liking this or that was an either or. I guess I'm not an either or person, I'm an either or both is fine! I did, and still do, enjoy Dire Straits and Jesus and Mary Chain, Cocteau Twins and Ramones, 2 Tone and two violins soaring in harmony. I give thanks I'm independent of a tribe, have funnel hearing instead of tunnel vision and quite like a little bit of Marmite once in a very long while!

I give though the sciatica is still extremely painful a lot of the time, it's not excruciatingly painful nearly as much...which might seem to be a small change but which is huge when you're feeling it. I give thanks my abdominal abominations have been less heart wrenching and stomach churning which means less bodily organs in distress...including my brain!

And I give thanks for thus, one month after surgery, finally being able to have a properly lazy day as everyone could do with now and then but a convalescent person most of all. I give thanks spending my time doing only what is most essential or irresistible - drifting and dozing, reading and internet window shopping, snacking and cracking crosswords on my phone.

Seems reasonable

I give thanks I've only really done three things today. As they were washing my hair, having a bath and going out for tea and a scone with Mima that was quite enough excitement and energy expenditure! It's such a relief to feel normal enough to do some normal stuff, and such a treat to feel well enough for a treat again, though I'm still very sore and feeble, and if I hadn't felt so rough for the last few weeks I'd probably think I do now...

I give thanks for the gorgeous golden autumn day, the blue sky and sea and the pretty changing colours of the leaves. For lots of minimal cook food from Tesco yesterday so I've not had to wear myself out hopping and chopping, including a lush spinach and ricotta pizza.

I give thanks to Mima for her company, kindly chauffeuring, and standing in the very slow moving Post Office queue for me to see if there was some post! I give thanks that there was, and for some of it being nice stuff like new second hand books I ordered and a new second hand (obviously!) merino cardi I put on to try on when I opened the parcel hours ago and have only just realised I've not actually bothered to view in the mirror because it feels so soft and cuddly who cares what it looks like anyway! I also give thanks for a message and card from a lovely elderly couple I met in hospital, and felt moved to send one to when I came out. Both of them wrote in it and seem to have been as touched as I was. Sometimes it feels as if we meet people for a reason doesn't it?

Small mercies

I give thanks the sciatica is a little less dreadful a lot of the time, and for some of it I feel a bit more like me. When I told Laura she said I was looking better than she's seen me recently too which is encouraging...

I give thanks the unplanned windows in my tummy seem to be starting to close, and that despite the best efforts of the GP's pharmacist and the chemist's supplier to deprive me of essential accoutrements for my planned aperture, a mercy mission from a nurse along the coast has seen me stocked up again for a few days. Actually it was two mercy missions as the first one happened in the morning when I was fast asleep, having been told it would take place in the afternoon! I had imagined, quite reasonably I think, my recuperation would consist of dossing around and dozing with a remote control and a crochet hook to hand, when in fact due to all the complications, and complicated co-ordination and administration of all the agencies and individuals to untangle them, plus the almost endless pain, I've had far less rest and relaxation than I normally do. I give thanks I'm optimistic maybe a little more healing rest could be on its way.

I give thanks for a helpful and cheery Tesco driver and for pre-arranging for Laura to be here for the delivery slot to let him in and help with the unpacking...as the second mercy mission happened in the middle of that and I had to go and display my cares to the nurse instead... I give thanks she too had had sciatica so I've added to my stock of hints and tips for things to try that have worked for other sufferers, though all of them will have to wait until other parts are up to more vigorous movement.

I give thanks for having inclination and just enough spare energy to crochet one small sparkly flower for a garland for the library decorations promised weeks ago but mercifully not needed for a few weeks yet...and for a smoked haddock fishcake cooking for my tea.

You say it best

I give thanks for a better night's sleep than I've had for a couple of weeks, almost comfortable and no untoward mishaps. I woke up a few times, and the last time would happily have dozed off for some more but I had to get on with my busy day.

I give thanks for a scenic drive through rolling hillsides thick with autumnal trees under a blue cloud dotted afternoon sky; for a return journey via a different route with a stunning water colour sunset all around. Yesterday's evening sky was pretty but this was exceptionally so, and all the better for being seated high up in a picture window ambulance! I give thanks during the long wait in between being seen and being picked up, when I was not allowed to go to the hospital restaurant as planned and treat myself to nice things to eat (in case they couldn't find me!) I managed to be quietly unprotestingly polite and understanding about it and thus got made two mugs of fresh made tea in the waiting room and be wheeled to the Boots shop by a sciatica surviving volunteer to buy carrot cake and flapjacks. I give thanks for remaining stoic when the staff on duty insisted on putting on easy listening compilation CDs from the last half century or so to make the afternoon more pleasant for them. Oh well, gave me a blog post title...

I give thanks for being patient with the surgeon too, when he looked at my wound and said all things considered he was pretty pleased with it as renal failure was the second worse thing after smoking for hindering the healing process. Quite why no one involved, before or after my operation, had thought to mention this before goodness only knows... I give thanks for overhearing parts of his muttered recap of my medical history with the nurse in the room next door before coming to examine me. I tried to turn my ears off but one phrase repeated two or three times was quite emphasised. 'But, she's still here...she's still here!' Too bloody right mate, I am, and I shed a quiet tear in the dusk on the way back appreciating all the beauty around me and remembering that.

I give thanks for suffering no platitudes in my suffering the last few weeks. There've been people I've been surprised have sent no kind words of encouragement, but they know I know there's not a lot that they could say...so I give thanks they've not said pointless things instead. I give thanks you can react to a Facebook status without having to put anything into words at all! I give thanks for the people who've surprised me by carrying right on saying things even though I've not had my usual chirpiness to respond with. They know who they are, and how grateful I am I hope, so I'll save any embarrassment by saying it on here...

Veg in

I give thanks for last night's curry tea. I've been brought or bought lots of vegetables lately, and I've worked out during times the sciatica is amenable to sitting I can do so at the kitchen table to chop, and perch on a stool at the hob to stir. The processes don't necessarily take place in the same part of the day, in fact I started making yesterday's tea on Sunday by parboiling some veg, then yesterday I sauteed some other ones and put half of each together with some spices and water, and a bit of peanut butter and gram flour to thicken it up. It was a nice meal, and it was a nice feeling to be able to create a meal..

I give thanks for sleeping better, though the down side of that is that bad things happen when I sleep and I have to wake up in the cold damp dawn and sort them out. I give thanks the stoma team have promised to come and have another look, likewise the district nurses...and that the surgeon has offered to see me too. Trying to explain to secretaries and admin staff that the technical difficulties making me need to see him also affect my ability to attend right now was frustrating, and they told me to ring my GP's surgery who told me they don't deal with that stuff either any more and gave me a number that I could tell wasn't worth ringing...but finally I got through to patient transport who agreed I tick enough boxes for a free ride there and back with vaguely medically aware people who could cope if anything untoward were to occur.

I give thanks for a little less pain and a little more mobility. I'm fairly sure this is due to the Actipatch I've been using as much as possible since Sunday evening. More would be possible if it weren't for the unsticky situations but maybe we'll get to that stage before long now eh? Given the number of sore points more patches wouldn't come amiss either, but at over £20 a throw there's a limit...and I don't want my fillings to come out and attach to my knees! I give thanks I'm convinced enough to send for another anyway, which is alleged to arrive somewhere later this week though when I'll get my frantic fingers on it goodness knows. I give thanks for managing to do a couple of things not utterly essential like washing my hair and winkling out a few more autumnal garments from the unsorted pile I thought I'd be well enough to have all allocated to appropriate places by now.

I give thanks in incremental stages during the day I've also made a cheesy pasta bake with the rest of the veg and that's heating up in the oven. After pain and stress, the third most all encompassing feeling of recent times is hunger - it's so much effort to get the food I need twice as much when I do!

I give thanks for watching the leaves change colour, the changing light through the day, the shapes of clouds and vapour trails, the variety of looks of the sea.

Scream if you want to go slower

Last night, unable to sleep from excruciating pain, I remembered to be grateful I didn't have to get up for anything today. Well, I had to get up at two am for the comfort of Rooibos tea and digestives, but I was grateful for those as well...

I give thanks that paradoxically though lying down was so uncomfortable during the hours of darkness, it's actually been quite pleasant today... So I've been doing as much as I can and catching a couple of catnaps to try and take the edge off the exhaustion. And I give thanks for really meaning doing as much not doing much as I can. This is not easy for me, as I like to maintain some standards of achievement, but it's got to the stage if I don't slow down I'll fall down and I'd really rather not do that.

I give thanks for being used to pain and physical malfunction - not on this scale obviously, but the situation would be so much harder to bear coming straight from healthy vigour.

I give thanks for being able to put my creative skills to good use designing and constructing containment structures out of materials not designed for the job. And before someone says someone should give me the right tools and equipment, I don't think any actually exist... I give thanks for having dwelt in the medical self care wilderness before, to Manfred Sauer for at least attempting to bring nephrostomy use out of the dark ages...and for not having one of those any more!

I give thanks for having nothing to look forward to. That might sound odd, and of course I do harbour a vague optimism that one day I might go a whole day without suppressing screams and giving way to tears, be able to perform a basic task like getting dressed or getting food without having to stop in the middle until the hurting subsides, heck maybe even have a bath...But I mean I'm grateful I have no trips or treats coming up, no outings or activities that would be spoiled or have to be postponed by my current state. I give thanks instead for all the folk I know who do have good things going on, or starting or on their way. I can smile when I think of their happinesses instead.

Meet and few veg

I give thanks for getting through the trials of the night. The pain and precariousness of arrangements means bed is not a place of restful respite yet, but more of fear and dread. I give thanks for tackling the challenges of the day with some success here and there...

I give thanks for Mima bringing me some things I'd asked for, and some thoughtful things I'd not like flowers and chocolate to share. I give thanks for making it down the stairs to let her in - in retrospect! At the time it seemed like some crazy masochistic torture I put myself through, but it seems important not to feel that I can't, not to feel totally trapped and incapable.

I give thanks for a good old catch up natter, and for her washing up and clearing up the kitchen which somehow needed doing again even though Laura did it yesterday. I give thanks I'd attended to those tricksy medical chores, washed and dressed myself and thrown together some lunch before she arrived but after going down and up the stairs that was me done for for hours.

Naps are hard for the aforementioned reasons but I give thanks for just vegging out instead, finding things to watch on TV, including a dark Danish cop drama and another old unseen Midsomer Murders from when I must have had a life I guess. I give thanks for a couple of good documentaries yesterday too, about Skinheads and the stories behind some of the burials in New Churchyard. For a fussy viewer I've been quite well catered for of late! I give thanks for getting some easy supper and cooking a few veg in advance for some other meals too. Well that's the theory anyway...

Unsticking to the schedule

I give thanks for getting so comfortable on the sofa last night I could feel no pain at all for a while. I enjoyed the feeling of 'Hey, I've cracked this thing!' too, although as soon as I moved that illusion was shattered... I give thanks that though I couldn't get comfy in bed at all I had Boredpanda and the crossword app on my phone to keep me occupied into the early morning without having to move much at all.

I give thanks for not having to do any emergency washing so far today...but that Laura came round with some bits of shopping she'd picked up on her weekly grocery trip and offered to wash and change my bedding anyway. I give thanks for the fast cycle on my machine...and that I'd just managed to process the last lot of laundry to that the rack was empty and ready! For having the dishes done and the worktops cleaned so I've got space to make a mess again...either cooking or clearing up is possible but not yet both on the same day...

I give thanks for Liz going to see if any mail had turned up for me at the Post Office especially as it hadn't so it was a fruitless exercise for her. Oh well, no news isn't bad news any way... I give thanks for people's great kindness and thoughtfulness at this unexpectedly incapacitated time. I give thanks I can no longer remember what physical capability feels like, so I can't really miss it. I give thanks that my mental capabilities can be applied to the multitude of difficulties in the situation I'm in.

I give thanks for the internet, and for internet connected TV so even though I'm a slave to the horizontal I don't have to be a victim of live schedules too...

Nevermend

I won't tell stories of this time because I won't want to hear them. There've been stages over the last few years when it's not felt so much as if I'm on a journey but held hostage in some heartless place. We're supposed to believe this stuff makes us stronger...but I'm not sure it always does. I won't say it's soul destroying - that's glib and unnecessarily melodramatic. But something in your psyche can get chipped or dented, a nevermend not a nevermind...

I give thanks for my fortitude, my sense of humour, my mission to find things to be grateful for and share. I give thanks I don't have anyone close to share or see and hear how I suffer and struggle at times with the indignities and impracticalities as well as the dreadful pain. I wouldn't want someone to empathise and feel bad too...or not to, so I feel worse. I give thanks I'm not ashamed to cry. 

I give thanks for washing my hair, and washing some clothes and putting some clean ones on. I give thanks for the times the neighbours are quiet. 

I give thanks for the solace of seeing the changing moods of the sea; for a bowl of defrosted cherries with shortbread biscuits and cream. I crave the comfort of one of my yummy puddings, but I can't face the discomfort of making one just now. 

I give thanks that mine are first world problems. I have a health service, a home, friends with cars. I give thanks I know all things must pass...

Easier does it

I give thanks for the unconsciousness of sleep. Though my last thought and my first are 'Ouch!' or something in a similar vein but less polite, the bit in between is a blessing...

I give thanks for finding a position this morning in which I could feel no pain anywhere and thus staying quite still for way past morning tea time, really should go and check if there's any calls on my landline phone time etc etc. What a blissful hour! Of course it didn't last...and when I did get up it was back to 'How can I live with this?' again. But there have been times here and there today when it has eased off enough to be able to walk around, slowly, but not holding on to things...so it has been easier to live with, physically and mentally. Good days and bad days are one things, but bad days and worse days are hard to bear for weeks at a time.

I give thanks for slicing some bread! Huge breakthrough...and a sign that for the most part my tummy is healing well. I give thanks for dealing with the bits that aren't. It is a tremendous challenge every time, not just due to my great squeamishness but the precariousness of their position and the proximity to other things going on on my tummy that on the whole don't mix well with wounds.

I give thanks for having an unusual urge to turn the sound on on my mobile after I'd finished today's protracted episode. It's usually off because I can usually see if anything is going on and it's not like anyone usually rings me. Two minutes later I heard the faintest tinkle and realised someone was ringing me, and the volume was turned down very low. It was Jo the community nurse who came yesterday and clued up on the conundrum thought I might be fretting about/with/due to dressings, and had come to offer some she'd got off a rep that might be easier. Reader, my life is so tragic at the moment I was actually excited! And even more so as I felt capable of going downstairs and letting her in! She's a curly girl, and therefore endowed with special powers. So special she offered to check through the post on the floor to see if any was mine and to take my rubbish bag down as she had no more clients to visit. I give thanks for curly hair...especially mine as right now as I can get away without doing anything with it for days and it hardly looks any messier than when I do!

I give thanks to Julie for a timely delivery of a bag of groceries, some mystery Flam jam (what fruit grows in January north of here?)...and for being a kindred spirit!

Infamous five

I find talking about medical matters so tedious and pointless, unless it's to someone who might be able to put them right, so I apologise in advance to any readers of a similar frame of mind that they feature so much recently.

I give thanks for getting to talk to some of the right people today anyway, from lovely Mary the receptionist at the surgery who knows when I say I need help I really do... the friendly efficient GP who called me back straight away and organised nurses to come and sort me out...and the brilliant nurses who came so quickly, and even blagged their way in to the building by ringing a random bell so I didn't have to go downstairs. I'll spare you the full details of what they did but it included taking a photo to add to my notes so the GP could discuss with the consultant without any unnecessary heaving my painful self about. Utterly brilliant service from the health service.

I give thanks for also getting my blood pressure low enough to take my anaemia medication which, considering I'd been taken off blood pressure pills in hospital to rest my kidney and have been in so much stress, distress and discomfort since, is utterly brilliant service from my body I think! 

I give thanks for the early evening view from my seat on the sofa which helps a lot I'm sure. It's the pay off for those pesky five flights that people often fail to factor in when offering help by bringing things, or suggesting on line deliveries, visits and so forth. I give thanks for getting washed and dressed today to enjoy it all the better, and also for the clothes rack in the way of the window as it's there because I got a small load of washing in and out of the machine as well. 

I give thanks for finding half a Tesco apple strudel in the freezer when I thought I'd eaten it all up. You get a lot of apple strudel for a pound from Tesco, and I'm looking forward to being able to let a driver in again! I give thanks for a leeky potato pie next to it for for the main course too, hand made by Mr Bromley last weekend with home grown veg. I give thanks I love my food! 

Dressing down

I give thanks for watching some catch up TV on the sofa last night. Nice to do something normal...

I give thanks for waiting all day for the surgeon's team to call back as this meant I could delay all manner of things on the grounds I didn't want to be interrupted by the phone ringing while I did. And as even the sparse and adhoc activities that make up my life just now have some sort of coherence and process of cause and effect this meant the stillest day I've had since coming home from hospital...and I've been most grateful for that! I give thanks for optimism tomorrow I'll feel up to putting my toe to someone's behind because I don't even have a Brownie badge in first aid and can see that something's wrong and not having even a Brownie badge in first aid means I've no idea how to fix it!

I give thanks for lots of cloud appreciation, and that since the errant tree has gone so many more can now be so much better appreciated. I give thanks for glimpses of sea in upright moments not utterly taken up with lurching and groaning from a to b.

I give thanks for not having any visitors, delightful and helpful though they have been, whether previously known to me or otherwise. I've loved having a bit of time to myself and not feeling the desire to dis-dischevel self or surroundings to any degree. I give thanks for the people who've taken the time to make me smile without coming up to see me.

I give thanks for finding some novels I fancied reading, for 'very good' condition at 1p on Amazon - always a favourite genre!

Season of misseds

I give thanks for creating and enjoying last night's tasty supper of pasta with roast feta and pine nuts, nutmeg and wilted chard. Clearly there's not that much the matter with me! For winning the bidding on a cardigan on eBay...not that anyone else put up much of a fight, or that I'd have been put out if they had, but being able to work up the enthusiasm was another good sign I'm sure.

I give thanks for no medical melodramas though the pain down my leg was too bad to spend the evening doing anything else but lie in bed...though that's probably not too bad a thing either. For dipping in and out of a book, and a snooze. I give thanks that though I didn't sleep well or late I played asleep with earplugs in and eyes tight shut as long as I possibly could. For the beautiful blue sky when I opened the curtains, and the pretty dappled clouds that filled my window a view a few moments later...clear skies like that I yearn for mountains and moors, and hate to be stuck indoors.

I give thanks for allowing a few bittersweet tears at memories of a misty Monday morning this time last year clearing to a golden day on the North Cornwall coast and in deepest Devon, a few hours of of unexpected heaven...I give thanks for being so good at finding joys so easily missed but those rare times when there's no need to even look will always be my favourites.

I give thanks for being able to leave the dreaded chore til lunchtime, and for promising myself when that had been done, I would do very little else for the rest of the day. I give thanks for a message from Rachel most pleasantly scuppering these plans, with the offer of spending a few unscheduled hours doing some helpful things including making her most delicious courgette and brie soup which I'd requested last time she came but which couldn't be done that time. I give thanks for a treatment and the treat of having all the washing up, drying up and putting away done too! I give thanks for blagging a lift to the Post Office and back though there was only a cruise catalogue waiting - not really worth the awful pain of hobbling about but fresh air and a fresh cash infusion for my wallet came in handy.

I give thanks for another day thus dealt with...another day, it has to be, towards at least something feeling better. I give thanks for people's great kindness and thoughtfulness sustaining me - literally and metaphorically!

Half way flat

I give thanks for night nurses for coming to my aid when late yesterday I realised things were more awry than had been recognised. I didn't know there were nurses on call 24 hrs, or that the much maligned 111 service could work so well. I give thanks I still feel so well despite all the really rather wearing and worrying stuff going on.

I give thanks for a beautiful day to do sweet nothing but catch up on some recuperative rest. For promising myself a face pack and a proper hair wash to make up a little for this extended bathing ban...and making good on it too. Tiring but worth it!

I give thanks for Laura offering to come and bring the bread she picked up for me yesterday, and scooping up Mima bringing pinwheel pastries so no struggling with stairs was necessary today...nor any provision of hospitality beyond the makings of a cuppa. It does me good to be distracted from my discomforts and have some comfort given. I almost burst into tears when Laura offered to do some washing for me...what a kind and thoughtful friend she is!

I give thanks for being half dressed as I write this and half way up...lying on top of the duvet under a snuggly throw. Fully operational seemed too demanding today but post operational staying in bed too much of a cop out.

Ear today

I give thanks for falling asleep last night...it's just a shame I had to do it so often because of all the waking up in between with local commotions and localised pain. I give thanks for reminding myself it didn't matter as I had no need to get up at any particular time today...or even at all apart from essential excursions to kettle and loo...

I give thanks for happily revising that plan when on receiving an offer from John and Jo of a therapeutic visit. I give thanks for completing my current morning medical routines beforehand. They are intricate and tricky, and fill me with dread and loathing from the moment I open my eyes and remember the pain and fear and fear of pain to come. This doesn't sound grateful I know but when they're done I really do give thanks it's over again for a while.

I give thanks for an incoming neighbour letting my day's saviours in before I was all the way down the stairs. For cups of tea made and washing up done, the gift of fresh allotment dug veg and of some earrings that were an unwanted freebie for someone else who passed them on to Jo who didn't find they took her fancy either but thought they might be mine. They are aren't they?

I give thanks for a trip out across the estuary for tea and an assortment of cake outside a well chosen eatery with ample nearby parking, a good view, catering and service and lousy pouring teapots! For a couple of showers that felt like falling holding off...

I give thanks for resting on the sofa while helpful things were done for me. Despite my somewhat dodgy health in recent years this is a very very rare occurrence and I have to say I absolutely love it! I give thanks for my bedding ironed by Jo while tasty leek, onion and potato pies were made by John with carrots and chard on the side. I give thanks I was too tired to finish mine but that now I've had a nap I'm going back to try!

Pretty good things

I give thanks for dusk on a very murky day so that twinkling boat lights meant I could still make out the sea!

I give thanks for the pain down my leg being really too bad to walk again today as the pain in my tummy would prefer more stillness for a while. And the hole that's not meant to be there...

I give thanks a delivery slot scheduled to start before Jenny arrived didn't result in a delivery until after she did so that she could go down and collect it for me. And I give thanks for all the housework and helpful things she did for me.

I give thanks for a hearty appetite...always a good sign I think. And for leftovers so I could feed the need without too much trouble.

I give thanks for finally being able to do a very important thing this afternoon I've been meaning to do all week ie doss about doing nothing. I give thanks for someone busy juggling doing many things finding a few minutes to message me while I did.

I give thanks for randomly coming across a bunch of early 1980s pop videos on TV. Oh those skinny pretty boys! Funny to think they're all old and wrinkly too now...and probably fatter come to think of it.

A state of dress

I give thanks for my endurance. For a while this morning I felt as if it had quite run out, and was weeping at the thought of what I felt I couldn't do before I reasoned with myself that these things really did need to be done, no one could do them for me and getting upset and crying would only make them more difficult. I give thanks I got them done.

I give thanks for my sciatica pain being a little easier this morning so at least ordinary pre hospital appointment stuff like washing my hair and getting dressed was a little easier too. I give thanks for volunteer transport, and for trying to think kind thoughts about the driver.

I give thanks for my renal consultant spending half our session muttering darkly about my still bleeding wound instead of my kidney and, seeing the state of my hobble from the pain in my tummy and the pain down my side (a little easier being a relative term!), rang around for various people to assist including a porter to wheel me across the vast building to someone who could properly dress the site as I'd not been supplied with the necessaries and my makeshift arrangements left a lot to be desired. I appreciated the holistic approach and the cunning distraction from the purpose of my visit.

I give thanks for Laura offering to pop round, bringing me a couple of things I needed and doing a couple of quick jobs I needed help with like slicing a chunk of nice bread I'd got out of the freezer. I appreciate her friendship, her humour and her grasp of the difficulties I face. I give thanks for the unexpected happiness she has found and how it radiates from her.

I give thanks for finally, after stages lasting several days, making myself some red lentil and veg curry. My tastebuds and tummy were so grateful to receive a self cooked favourite it was worth being fit only to crawl into bed after. I give thanks I'm sure eventually I'll get round to getting undressed...heavens, I might even manage to make myself a cuppa!

No need to make a drama

I give thanks for waking up feeling strangely like my old familiar self - sore, but not unbearably so and kind of relatively nifty and nimble again. It was a lovely feeling to turn over without groaning and snuggle under the covers to snooze some more. I also give thanks that both my kidney and stoma were working fine, and if my stoma bag had been too it would have been a peaceful time. I give thanks for being relatively nifty and nimble again...

I give thanks for a nap after breakfast and sorting the washing out. For a tasty Higgidy pie for lunch and for settling down cosily to watch some cosy fake murder tale...until a warm seeping sensation began, this time in a colour more in keeping with the story line. Keeping calm and assuming soon it would stop, I give thanks for putting the kettle on and going about my business mostly unperturbed...until it reached the stage when calling the GP's surgery for some advice might seem prudent. I give thanks that when the nurse called me back she agreed that as by then I was sitting on the toilet so my tummy didn't drip on the floor maybe dialling 999 was a plan. I know I complain about my neighbours but underneath their problems and foibles they are goodly sorts and I'm grateful I was eventually able to rouse them from their afternoon stupor and explain I needed someone to go and let the paramedics in which they readily did. Very grateful indeed!

There was too much gore for anyone to tell exactly what was going on so I give thanks for dressings and help collecting bits in case I had to stay in before a whisk up the road the hospital I had my op in. I give thanks for the tender care they gave me en route including stopping the ambulance by the side of the road to insert a cannula when my blood pressure crashed. And particularly that when they told me what they were doing it all seemed way too dramatic and serious and potentially dangerous with rubber necking motorists trying to see what was going on, so the mild panic brought it back up and they could stop talking to me in those scary careful voices and abandon the task.

I give thanks that careful swabbing and inspecting found only a tiny hole and it seemed only that a haematoma underneath had burst so dressings and antibiotics, a sandwich and a cup of tea were provided. Plus eventually transport home in a picture window patient transport bus to admire the pretty blue night sky...driven by a man who'd had sciatica and knows. 

I give thanks for our wonderful NHS and the kind and skilled people who work within. Tattered and torn it may be but it is still pretty damn incredible. And for me. Likewise.

Natural born (pain)killers

Last night it was if my pain wanted to punish me for all I'd been doing while it was away. Lying down didn't make the slightest bit of difference but I was grateful I did as by breathing into it steadily eventually I produced a little cloud of endorphin peace to slip behind to sleep. This stood me in good stead too to just lie there unconcerned when her up floors had a mahoosive tantrum repeatedly banging doors and windows, hurling things around and screaming. I thought about my various options and decided all things must pass and this too did...and I give thanks for getting up for some leftover plum crumble from the freezer to occupy myself meanwhile. I give thanks for liberal application of lavender oil about my person before finally settling down and sleeping quite well and soundly.

I give thanks for lying in this morning listening to the various neighbourhood sounds unwilling to move and spoil my relative comfort. For hearing a chain saw start up nearby and wishing someone would chop down the self seeded sapling at the bottom of the garden that has grown almost as high as the building, too close for comfort and too wide to see the sea around...and that is exactly what happened! I felt sorry for the tree which had made a life for itself in the wrong place to suit the nearby humans, but it made interesting (and ache distracting) viewing watching the chaps with ropes and hard hats and a little tank tracked tugger with a built in shredder in front, and they left everything so tidy and neat blowing all the scraps off the grass afterwards. And gave me back the view I fell in love with and made me want to live here...the view that makes me catch my breath in wonder, that makes me laugh out loud with delight and brings tears to my eyes of gratitude, that sustained me through the darkest times. I had made myself forget how much I missed it, and I give thanks for managing that not inconsiderable feat...but to unexpectedly have back one of the my many lost joys is one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had.

I give thanks for more light too of course, with that particular quality of light from over the sea...and more sound of the waves too! I also give thanks for Clive coming and sorting out a range of problems with the indoor lights so that my present is as bright as can be! He knows the foibles of this ancient property (and its owner) better than most and is one of the few people I'd be willing to let across the threshold in my current decrepit state, so it was lovely to have a catch up too even if I had to miss my afternoon nap to catch it. 

I give thanks to Jenny for delivering cards from herself and Cathy...and that having to go downstairs to let Clive in meant that I could collect them. I give thanks for something as yet undecided but extremely easy to make for tea. Inside I'm dancing round the room but in reality it's an early night for me...

Back to front

OK, last one of the back titles for now I'm sure you'll be grateful to hear! And also that, very gradually, the back related pains have been easing off for longer periods. I've been able to make whole cups of tea in one go without stopping to sit or lie down and groan, and this morning in between several episodes of lying down and groaning I managed to wash my hair over the basin, get washed and put on day clothes and go down stairs to let the special nurse in to examine my special multicoloured tummy, which is rather reminiscent of that nearby deceased whale's at present although I hope, despite a long time since bathing, still somewhat more fragrant.

She'd given me warning she was on her way and I'd taken some recycling down and was nattering with a neighbour while I waited but by the time she arrived the pain was excruciating again and I was standing on one leg hugging the wall. 'Ops like yours can be very painful afterwards,' she said sympathetically and I explained yes, it was rather, but really not the main event agony wise. Anyway, I give thanks she was nice and talkable to, and even more importantly that she agreed with my verdict that although I currently look as though someone should be arrested for doing this to me, it's actually a neat job and healing well. I give thanks I so forcefully 'elected' this procedure, despite all the dire predictions, and that the dire predictions didn't come true of course!

I give thanks for a nice lunch of leftover pasta from yesterday's nice tea, with garlic bread and snoozing to an old Midsomer Murders in which all the good guys and gals got really excited about some of the fabrics in a tailor's. I've always thought a lot of the story lines very unrealistic but that seemed quite normal to me, so maybe the rest of them are to the right people.

I give thanks for finding a much travelled card from Liz in the hallway. OK, it should have been at the Post Office but at least I didn't have to travel there to get it. I give thanks for my neighbour being polite and complying when I asked her to turn the music down a bit. I'm so sensitive to unwanted noise (Bob will tell you I used to complain about his computer keyboard in the next room if I was trying to sleep), and the walls and floors are so thin here you can almost hear each other breathe so I try to be patient and understanding but I felt a limit had been reached and felt I should say so.

I'm grateful for the people I talk to on line...well mostly!

Back to the suture

I really am enjoying this time of rest and reflection. If I weren't so immobilised by pain I'd be trying to do far more I'm sure, and fretting about what I can't. I give thanks for feeling remarkably well and in remarkably good spirits... And also for a little less hurting today. I don't know if it's anything to do with my Actipatch, and as you're meant to put the electromagnetic loop over the sore bit and my sore bits are many times larger and more numerous to comply, but there've been times today when the ones on my tummy have been worst. I give thanks for the first episode of the new Red Dwarf series allowing me to test out how much it hurts to laugh.

I give thanks for mistakenly ticking or leaving blank some box on some site's mailing preferences so that a catalogue of clothing and sundries designed for those even more elderly and infirm than I arrived because as I'd had to take the plastic packaging off to put it in the recycling I paused to peep inside. I give thanks because in addition to the double page spread offering you a 'smart look at home' with aprons, tunics and pinafores (one even allegedly 'trendy') and the section with the hot water heated rollers, hairnets (seriously) and hand-painted porcelain hanging radiator humidifiers (with the presumably the wrong caption as it says they're for 'gentle exercises when sitting down) there is a selection of underwear including items offering 'delicate temptation' and an 'alluring look'. Good to know there's hope for us all...

I give thanks for the golden spear of light on my bedroom wall as the sun rose, and such a cacophony of dogs, children and pigeons during the morning that the huffy ones upstairs eventually stopped slamming the windows, slammed the door and went out...for hours!

Back pain

Actually it's been more of a pain in the bum today...or is the knee bit worse...or the part between...or further down? It's hard to tell but this sciatica has become so much a part of my life lately that I've decided to see what gratitude can be found in the situation...

So, I give thanks it doesn't hurt unbearably all the time. It's not very Zen to prefer the gentler whiles maybe, but it's human and good to be mindful of the fluctuations. And I give thanks that when it's really bad, and I think that I really cannot bear it another moment, I remember that whenever we say we can't bear something actually we already are... And I give thanks that it hurts most when I stand or sit or walk about, which is obviously not very convenient but does mean when I lie down there's this wonderful seeping away. In fact sometimes, if I lie down long enough it doesn't hurt at all for the first few half dozen steps or so afterwards...I give loads of thanks for those!

And finally I give thanks that all it is is pain. Performing some necessary fiddly post op procedure yesterday and cursing my fumbly stroke damaged hand, it suddenly dawned on me despite those dire warnings I was lying on my own bed with both arms waving free - not hooked up to a dialysis machine in hospital. And I became more grateful than I can express. 

Anyway, I also give thanks for the three stages of sleep. The first stage where you drop off before you meant to and wake up and have to do the things you're meant to before you do, and the second where you wake up very early and think you'll stay awake because you fell asleep so early in the first place...and the third when you realise you one of the things you didn't do before you fell asleep in the first place was eat your supper so you have breakfast waiting beside you on a plate!

I give thanks for the sound of the thunder rain in the night, the swooshing win in the day. For the neighbours being mostly most unusually acceptably quiet. I feel the peacefulness trickle into me like a healing balm. I also give thanks that despite aforementioned fumbly fingers hitting some ill advised combination of keys and deleting my post again...I have re-written it...very slowly and conscious of every movement made!