Deliverance

I give thanks for crying myself to sleep last night. Odd thing to be grateful for? Trust me, anything that releases me for a while from the weary dreariness of pain is fine by me. I give thanks for remembering being grateful for having nothing to look forward to recently. So much going on that's so difficult or disappointing, so much on the horizon that fills me with dismay or dread, and I was beginning to wish it otherwise so it was good to remember the clarity of realising the pointlessness of that.

I give thanks for an allegorical dream of being in a crowded discount store filling my trolley with delicious things to eat but unable to take them away as the aisles were gridlocked and the lights were turned out and the shop closed with us all just standing there with our would be nutritional treasure.

I give thanks for the strength to spend a lot of the day hanging out the kitchen window after discovering two items I'd thought would be arriving by post were on two separate courier vans.  I give thanks for one being trackable and for it arriving while Jenny was here to kindly go downstairs and collect it, and for perseverance and persuasiveness tracking down a phone number and response from the other driver so I could go down and collect it myself. I give thanks for realising somwhere during the process how pointless wanting new boots was anyway. I'm hardly likely to go anywhere, and it certainly wouldn't matter what I wear if I do!

I give thanks for things seen during my vigils... A flashing light fire engine arriving down the street, though I couldn't see or smell why, the white walls of houses up the hill beginning to glow as the sun dissolved some of the fog there, a seagull doing an optimistic worm dance instead of raiding the bins and several pairs of ironic monochrome magpies doing things that matter to magpies...

I give thanks for finding the most relaxing music ever (allegedly)... well, in 2011... http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/most-relaxing-songs-all-time-science/