Scream if you want to go slower

Last night, unable to sleep from excruciating pain, I remembered to be grateful I didn't have to get up for anything today. Well, I had to get up at two am for the comfort of Rooibos tea and digestives, but I was grateful for those as well...

I give thanks that paradoxically though lying down was so uncomfortable during the hours of darkness, it's actually been quite pleasant today... So I've been doing as much as I can and catching a couple of catnaps to try and take the edge off the exhaustion. And I give thanks for really meaning doing as much not doing much as I can. This is not easy for me, as I like to maintain some standards of achievement, but it's got to the stage if I don't slow down I'll fall down and I'd really rather not do that.

I give thanks for being used to pain and physical malfunction - not on this scale obviously, but the situation would be so much harder to bear coming straight from healthy vigour.

I give thanks for being able to put my creative skills to good use designing and constructing containment structures out of materials not designed for the job. And before someone says someone should give me the right tools and equipment, I don't think any actually exist... I give thanks for having dwelt in the medical self care wilderness before, to Manfred Sauer for at least attempting to bring nephrostomy use out of the dark ages...and for not having one of those any more!

I give thanks for having nothing to look forward to. That might sound odd, and of course I do harbour a vague optimism that one day I might go a whole day without suppressing screams and giving way to tears, be able to perform a basic task like getting dressed or getting food without having to stop in the middle until the hurting subsides, heck maybe even have a bath...But I mean I'm grateful I have no trips or treats coming up, no outings or activities that would be spoiled or have to be postponed by my current state. I give thanks instead for all the folk I know who do have good things going on, or starting or on their way. I can smile when I think of their happinesses instead.