Giant leap

I give thanks to Googlemaps for making me laugh. I was searching for the Giant's Causeway and it said 'would you like directions?' so I said yes...by public transport if you please...and... after a long delay...it actually came up with a couple of routes. The first one included setting off in a short while and ambling around Birmingham city centre in the wee small hours before getting a bus to Aberdeen... and then one from there to Belfast via the Stena ferry from Cairnryan...and then a few more rides the other side to close by. There's a difference between possible and probable of course but I have to admit I was impressed!

I give thanks for enjoying going to the writers' group from the social aspect...which is an unusual enough experience for me anyway. For a reason to be out on a balmy summer's evening, with a sunset painting the sky, the scent of roses peeping over the wall and my little legs carrying me along. For remembering I am a writer before, during and afterwards, as I suspect my fellow members consider me a lightweight in the words department, not producing a narrative in the improvisation style exercise but a descriptive musing too akin to (probably bad) poetry for the others' tastes. Oh well, if they don't mind me being me I'm pretty sure there's no one else I can be...if it gets to the stage where I feel I'm not offering anything anyone appreciates it's not compulsory I keep going is it? Though a black sheep/bottom of the heap sort always has a value in any sort of group - they can make the rest feel better about themselves..

I give thanks for coming across this article on Facebook later - nice timing Universe!
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20170601-can-writing-about-pain-make-you-heal-faster

That was yesterday, today I've been rather too weary and teary for much in the way of giant leaps of faith or dancing steps of gratitude. I give thanks for soldiering on trying to stand my ground in the seemingly endless struggles to keep the drear at bay...and to remember, much as it may feel like a battelfield at times, it's not. For cleaning because I find it soothing to make what order I can in the chaos. Keep on breathing in and out... Remember none of it is real...

Keeping one's composure

I give thanks to David Haines for the archipelago of arpeggios in his wonderfully wavey arrangement of Charles Causley's Rattler Morgan. As the concert I can't go to nears I found myself singing it in my dreams and begging to be allowed to join in. I give thanks that Christine (who knows how much I love the poem/song) must have heard me and sent me a text this morning

I give thanks that Bob, one of the few beings I know who understand both the irrespressible urge to create music and electronic software is going to help me see if there's some way of getting back into this without two working hands...when he's finished putting his hands to good use moving home!

I give thanks for fending off today's little sideswipe to my sanity ie. hearing from the management company that the freeholder (who has allegedly been getting scaffolding for the roof) won't do it because he says it's my water tank that's leaking. The tank before this one did leak and he has never let me forget it...any water ingress anywhere in the property he blames me! I pointed out there's only a leak when it rains...and kindly offered to upload some videos to their Facebook page to illustrate the situation...but they immediately suggested sending someone from their team to meet me here for a guided tour instead. I give thanks I didn't book the trip I was tempted to in last night's attempt at 'day seizing' as it was on the date that they suggested...

A bit tired and achey, I give thanks for taking it easy today...catching up with the chores and making and eating a large late leisurely lunch as, though the day seems to have slipped away, I have seized on something to do this evening - attending the first meeting of a local writers' group. I can't say it's something I've always wanted to do, I wouldn't go so far as to say I even want to do it now but hey ho, it's got to be worth trying it out eh? I know how to spell trepidation...I'm sure it'll be fine.

Don't worry!

Don't worry, I'm here! blood test scare sent me off into a panic this morning and then that panned out into a greater resolve to have a bit less carping on and a bit more carpe diem...which means a lot of this evening has been spent seizing on ideas for things to do and going round in circles on the internet trying to work out how to make them happen without loads of dosh/a set of wheels/a travelling companion/a better functioning body. I give thanks to Mima for agreeing in principle to do a bit more day seizing with me, although bless her she already bears a heavy load of accommodating my wishes and accompanying me.

I give thanks for her meeting me on the beach this afternoon as I'd hoped she might be up for chivvying me into taking a dip as the water was a tad nippier than I was keen on and, though my body image has improved in the last few months, I still get self conscious on my own. I was grateful for adopting my policy for sunny days this summer ie to wear swimwear instead of underwear 'just in case' and for finding a not too crowded space on the sand...and eventually for chivvying myself and going in alone anyway! Another little milestone in trying to remake a life...

I give thanks for the prettiest blue of the sea, a cup of tea with a lovely view of it...for the bus I was going to miss being late so I caught it. I give thanks for continuing to feel unreasonably well and energetic, and for the lack of viewers for my flat meaning I don't have to squander this in lots of tidying and cleaning...

I give thanks for some good news at last from and for Bob. It's great that he has inherited my wit and wisdom but I do worry sometimes he might have picked up the gene for attracting misfortune, the better to be witty and wise about it as well! It's so good to think about people being happy, isn't it, especially those we care about...to imagine them enjoying the joy they're feeling? But it can also make you sad to feel their pain when they're unhappy or hurting instead... I give thanks for understanding it's mostly not actions or circumstances that cause the distress, but just the distressed person's brain...but it doesn't always help.

I give thanks for discovering you can download magazines from your local library. My first reaction on finding this out was 'But I don't read magazines...' but they have New Scientist and National Geographic too so I really am grateful to be able to access these publications I tend to think of as luxury items for free!

Alternative therapy

I give thanks for surviving the cancer that was supposed to carry me off, but there's rarely a day doesn't go by when I don't mourn the loss of some capability or activity that didn't survive the journey...particularly when I'm low or under pressure and can't access the cathartic therapies that used to make the wrong seem right before. Then it's a double whammy! One of the things I miss most is going for long rambles up hill and down dale or along the craggy coastpath - it was cheap, you could do it with or without company and, if you weren't a wuss, in pretty much all weathers too. Though over the last year I've learnt how grateful I am to be able to walk at all, the week to week footfall routes are merely functional...and on those occasional days here and there when I have energy to spare and all bodily malfunctions are under control, I'm usually flummoxed as to where I could stretch my legs for pleasure that's shortish, flattish, reasonably scenic, accessible by public transport or a very short taxi ride and (big catch here this time of year) not utterly clogged with tourists!

So yesterday I gave thanks for remembering a stroll through part of a country estate that I could get to after having my bloods done this morning, and after managing to conversationally sidestep the cab driver who keeps offering me a free massage from his healing hands (!), making off some charity shop donations, with knees and back and anaemia all co-operating, I 'trotted' off down the track quite happily...until I realised the parkland was a hive of activity in preparation for a motor festival at the weekend.

Oh well...there were still some trees to see (this one looks a bit like what it's like inside my head!) and perhaps all the bustle made me walk a bit quicker than normal as the path didn't seem as long as I remembered it. I decided to be grateful for this - maybe I'm a bit fitter than I think (?) and anyways it was a whole lot better than thinking the walk too long. I was ready to be grateful for refreshments at the end before the bus back but the shop/cafe had a power cut and couldn't serve hot drinks or ice cream so I took an executive decision and shaking my fist at the unruly universe decided to walk back along the slightly too short path and get something in the village instead. Before arriving there however I realised 2 x 1 slightly too short distance = 1 slightly over ambitious one, and just got on the bus to hobble home for free ice cream and tea on the sofa here. So as far as providing that spirit lifting experience I was yearning for the trip was a pretty poor failure, but I did get the the 'Phew, that was a bit of a workout!' feeling without excessive pain (so far) so all in all I'm grateful for the attempt.

Rachel being off on her hols at the moment there was no acupuncture to help me get my mojo back last night...so I give thanks to Colin for offering some alternative therapy including whisking me off for a quick drink at that nice pub across the river where it turned out some talented and amiable chaps were singing and playing a fairly random medley of covers to couples of a certain age in comfy armchairs. I give thanks there were a couple of free armchairs! For the warm evening, the nice surprise and the twinkle of lights on the water... It didn't fix anything of course, but it made me forget about fretting about the unfixable for a while. And today, though still nothing is fixed, at least I'm less fixated... Thanks Colin!

Clean on me

I give thanks for putting on one of my favourite dresses and doing some serious housework, up ladders to polish the topmost windows and pulling the heavy plant pots out to clean in inaccessible nooks. I may be fresh out of fairy godmothers and handsome princes but I can still do the Cinderella chores pretending I'm going to out to lunch...if not anywhere near a ball! (Yes, I know there's more than one meaning to out to lunch...it's a cotton dress it will wash...)

It's hard to imagine when I might have a viewer again, or even a social visitor come to that, but it doesn't mean I'm not worth it (having visitors/viewers/a dirt free environment) plus it's really quite therapeutic making shiny order out of mess and grime, isn't it? Is it? To be honest I don't feel particularly theraped but I give thanks, as ever, for trying anyway. My back is, of course, is in a right old nark but it's letting me, despite the grumbles, so I have to give thanks for that too.

I give thanks by standing my TV box on its front on the carpet the aerial is willing to bring me signals for basic HD channels and red button offerings from Wimbledon...I just need to master the different wrist action to get it to pick up the signal from the remote control in this particular position...and vow not to vacuum close by for two weeks!

I give thanks for a scone from the freezer with jam and cream. For trying to meditate, to focus on my breath going in and out instead of the toing and froing upstairs. And though that failed that I did drift into a little siesta...

World peace

I give thanks for giving myself some respite from the world. All those years of yearning to be welcomed in I never realised how restful it can be just to let go and let it all go on without wishing it wasn't going on without me.

I give thanks for switching off the silent phone, clambering out of that sticky tangled web. I give thanks for all the folk who feel connected and who aren't kidding themselves. Well, even if they are kidding themselves I guess, as long as they don't find out!

I give thanks for headphones and earplugs as my surrendered isolation takes place of course in the midst of an omnipresent usually audible crowd. For trying to find the piece of me inside that's peaceful.

I give thanks for all the colours I've seen in the sea, on the cgi in Life of Pi and from my windows here. For getting a little bit closer until sciatica pain drove me back, plus a sense I'm just too fragile to be out at the moment, like I'm missing an invisible shield and it shows. I can't believe it's hurting as much as it is once more...I thought all that was history now. Feeling, admittedly irrationally, rather cheated and mistreated that it's not, I'm also understandably fearful it might hurt a lot more yet.

I give thanks for the fabric on a pillow case I have. I could stare for hours at the repeating patterns and imperfections, the relationships between the shapes and shades...and sometimes it seems like I do! I give thanks sometimes it seems as if I stare at the patterns and imperfections of life long enough I might give thanks for that too. In the meantime, as it's gone quiet...quite tempting just to go back to the safe place of sleep...

This charming man

Feeling chilled to the soul and weary last night, I gave thanks the night before I'd made some dahl and Eve's pudding so had some heart cockle warming comfort food to hand.

I gave thanks for Merciless, a C4 series from Brazil about a disarming killer using his charm to harm. For car ads with their glorious scenery. For the evening light colouring the sky almost like yesterday's photo

For the duvet of oblivion...and dreams with fairly gentle revision of subjects my subconcious thought I'd not thought enough about

Today for the sunshine for those doing sunny things, the wind for those doing those...and for myself, with increasing resolve to do no things whatsoever at all, for both together and the way the leaves dance in the light. Oh and for finding an untitled poem I wrote written a year or two ago. It fascinates me how emotions make some of us want to arrange squiggles or pixels. And squiggles or pixels make some of us feel emotion...not psychopaths though I suppose...

Lest we regret

Unbearably

The unforgotten wounds

Holes in our hearts the hope seeps from

In stillness or sobriety…

The silence of the night

Awake, alone...or might as well be

Lest we regret unbearably

The unforgotten losses

The hands we held that slipped from ours too swiftly

We find a solace in sweet wine

The scent of flowers cut to die

The lick of salt on a lover's skin

Or try to...

Lest we regret unbearably

The unforgotten truth of joy

Before the lie

We live

A little