Strong

If you'd asked me at a miserable three in the morning how I felt about my lack of close friends and family you'd have got a very different reply to three in the afternoon doing a spot of seasonal shopping. I love the giving but the getting is getting increasingly difficult, so I give thanks for not having to carry many presents very far, and for encountering a fair number of other folk shopping local while I did. For the pleased faces of those on the tills as purchases were made.

I give thanks for picking up my present to myself from the sorting office, an as new jigsaw for that happy day when at least some of the wallpaper is on the walls, the furniture back against them and the table is clean and clear. For relatively pleasant weather, not too cold or wet or windy, even a little sunshine now and then. For hummus and salad and bits for tea - just some garlic bread to heat up, hardly any dishes to do and time to devote to recuperation and snoozing.

I give thanks for finally receiving the PIP letter confirming my benefit rise. The ESA team have still got to decide if I'm fit to work, but a few people I know have hinted they think I am (if I just tried a little bit harder a little more often) so must not become complacent just yet. What I can do however is to start looking around for a cleaner, and I give great thanks for even the thought of that!

Also in the post was a follow up letter from oncology noting my extreme reluctance to have more of the chemo I had before. For those who consider I'm being a wuss about that too I draw your attention to the twelve hour treatment sessions (with no transport provided), the twenty four hour vomiting sessions...and recurrent TIAs, which may have been co-incidental but would I want to put that to the test?  Remembering how ill I was on the therapy when younger and fitter and not needing dialysis, I truly cannot see how I could fit the two together let alone survive them now. And it would still only be palliative care...and I'd still be in renal failure...there'd be no happy ending at the end.

Hmm, I give thanks for my blog for letting me think out loud! For the patient listening and sound advice I provide to myself when in need. I give thanks for my strength. Physically it's diminishing maybe, but growing in other ways...

Lively

I groaned when I saw the size of the vehicle I had to clamber up into today, with my joints still protesting about the amount of movement involved in yesterday. Oh but there were different noises when a portion of our road was blocked so we had to take a lush country lane detour, and the high seat meant I had a much better view than in a car! The driver could talk for England, but I forgave him for giving my ears such a battering as my eyes were having such a wonderful treat meanwhile. I'm grateful for hospital and public transport, and for the odd functional journeys friends sometimes provide, but scenic drives are almost unheard of these days and they do my soul such good! We came into the city a different way as well and I gave thanks for seeing streets I remember from living there many moons ago.

I give thanks when I got to my place on the ward the lady who had scared us all last time was not only there, but looking fine again. She is an ideal across the bay companion, being friendly but not chatty so we can exchange a few pleasantries and then leave each other be. Poor woman, she likes a nap during treatment though and she hardly got a chance to close her eyes today without someone asking if she was OK. I give thanks it's Friday night and I now have two days off, though an early start on Monday as I've appointments before dialysis starts. A weekend is never enough however, don't kid yourself on my behalf that it might be as workers often only have two days off in a row. Workers have holidays as well, sometimes more than one a year...and odd extra days maybe here and there...and sick leave...and retirement at the end. They are not slaves to the machine in nearly the same way. Nonetheless I give thanks the machine left me feeling fairly lively today, or perhaps more accurately...leaving the building in which it is housed. I give thanks foe getting stuck into a few jobs straight away, including rustling up some food, so now I can settle down and rest and eat it.

Educational

I bet if I said I didn't get much sleep last night you'd think it was due to pain or worry about my appointment, but no, I took meds for unwanted symptoms and the worry was about waking up and getting up in time, and how best to plan a productive itinerary afterwards with minimum expenditure of time and effort. I give thanks for managing the first part anyway, and for refraining from tearing the oncologist limb from limb when she explained that though treatment was a possibility she didn't want to discuss options yet as she didn't have the results she needed from the biopsy - so basically I had wrenched myself out of bed in the cold pre-dawn just for the pleasure of passing half hour in the waiting room!

I do rather wonder if I should be more worked up about all this than I am, but to be honest all future scenarios seem so intolerably grim I can only really focus my discontent on minor inconveniences like absence of the curry I'd planned to buy last night and of the entire hospital cafe where I'd planned to recuperate with a large well buttered tea cake after clinic. I give thanks for understanding sometimes sweating the small stuff is actually a fine idea!

Talking of which I give thanks for layers of clothing - it was freezing on the bus and roasting on the train. For a nap on the sofa when I returned, before I'd even taken my coat and boots off, let alone put the kettle on. For Julie coming to help with some top of the ladder decorating work, which inspired me to do a little more a little lower down. For remembering it was a year ago this evening when the sale of my old flat suddenly completed and I had to move down the road in a great hurry with what would fit in her car. I give thanks for the varied opportunities life provides for learning what you can live without.

Lucky

I give thanks for coming home at the end of the day. The lady on the bed opposite was very poorly this afternoon and though she seemed to be on the mend by the time I left, it was very sobering being reminded what a precarious position we are are all in in there, and of the poor lady who died in the same spot across the room from me a few months ago. Dialysis can be grim in many ways but we are very blessed at least it's offered.

I give thanks for a nice taxi driver to talk to on the journey back - a few more active brain cells than some! For a nice cup of tea and a bite of that chocolate cake when I got indoors, and remembering I made a pot of lentil and veg curry for my tea yesterday! I'm trying to psyche myself up to pop to the Co op before I eat it as I've an oncology appointment in the morning and am unlikely to want to shop or cook after I get back from that plus, if body and spirit are willing, a little look at a few of the stores and market stalls. Luckily I have a couple of coupons to spend that might help, one for a ready meal I'd like to try...and I give thanks for that.

Magic

Could it be magic? A practical joke? A cunning pre-election ploy? According to the chap who phoned again today, you see, my PIP is being upgraded to the full amount for everything immediately and backdated, simply as a result of a begging letter - no further proof of infirmity, appeal or tribunal required. This is practically unheard of as far as I can ascertain and though the thought is having this situation resolved for a while at least, is very comforting indeed I shall not be truly comfortable with giving thanks for it until the money is in my bank account and the paperwork in my hands.

For hunting down a gluten free steak pasty for my mate Clive who was coming on his scooter to do a few jobs...and then coming in his car with his wife and some bits from B&Q...and then, due to a nasty accident blocking the main road and self diverting traffic blocking the lanes, not coming at all! I tgive thanks for my freezer to put said item in. Also for the little GF and vegan friendly chocolate cake I'd taken out of this device for his delight. It will now delight me, in small portions of course as it's not very kidney friendly, alas. It is so rich it's possible to savour just a couple of bites at a time if you have some self control though. I give thanks for my self control!

I've been feeling pretty lousy the past twenty four hours so am grateful for more energy and less pain this evening, and thus being able to manage a couple of non essential tasks. For the wonderful sight of vertical stripes on the sea as it was so calm the clouds were reflected. For my creditor accepting my proposed repayment plan. For chipotle sauce. That spicy smokey sweet flavour is a favourite right now.

Helpful

'Tis the season when other people do nice stuff with other people and post about it on Facebook, so that those of us who don't can practice letting go of envy. I'm very grateful for the service they provide...along with the folk who complain about trials that also seem pretty enviable to me!

Today I've been being grateful for the opportunities for personal growth my own trials have given me. Well, trying to anyway. There's been a lot of physical discomfort in the form of hand cramps and general aches and pains from being quite active yesterday, so they've  made me re-evaluate the 'pace yourself' advice I scorn...and scorn it once again! It's still important to me to make my home as pleasant as can be before I'm too ill to care, and I do get a lot of pleasure even from the small successes along the way. The lack of success at getting drivers to turn their radios off on request, has reminded me I have to find other ways to deal with the mental stress of the hours of noise and jabber, after all I can't ask the staff to be quiet when they talk to each other across the room, or too loudly about sensitive subjects, or very loudly at the very hard of hearing gentleman who has lost his hearing aid so I must just get better at bearing it even if I can't manage a grin. And a call from the DWP saying they wanted to talk to me about something (at a time when I could not) led me to cast my mind once again over my recent life and double check I'm not guilty of any punishable benefit crime...and decide that whatever it is, it's something only their devious practices could come up with and I just have to brace myself for another financial blow.

I give thanks for the member of staff who finally managed to staunch the bleeding when my fistula became a fountain at the end of the day. For part making my dinner before I left at lunchtime as the necessary pressure has made my arm very sore (it may be a risotto, I'll have to let you know as I've never made one before). For pretty sunset skies, the brightness of the crescent moon and the twinkles appearing in windows, gardens and trees along the roadside.

Bueno

Haha! This morning I dreamt I heard the entryphone and woke up in a fluster to rush out of bed before I realised it was not only the wrong day, but also much too early! Never mind, I give thanks for lots of extra hours to practice being both appreciative and persevering...

For Clive popping by with some little bits of wood he'd cut and, though he wasn't stopping, seeing there was a shelf hindering the wallpaper removal and whizzing it off the wall with his cordless. For getting some more paper stripped...and for surviving the interesting phenomenon of double lock up in one hand with both my middle finger and thumb going into spasm at the same time but in opposite directions. For promising myself something out of the freezer for tea to try to save making it happen again on the right side, or on the left for trying to relive it of some duties. For there being half a Higgidy pie in there...every cloud you know!

For the often cloudless sky today, and bright crisp sunshine. For going out a little while to make my legs hurt as much as my arms. Thankfully I didn't manage to succeed with that!