Essential

It's interesting, in these times of looking out and looking inward, to ponder on the subjectivity of what constitutes 'essential'. I give thanks for glimpses of how people I know perceive it, and how the concept is applied in other parts of the world.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.businessinsider.com/what-is-an-essential-business-varies-countries-borders-coronavirus-lockdown-2020-3%3famp

Essentially (see what I did there?) it comes down to the individual mind - including that of the police officer who may disagree with you regarding the nature of your errand - and I give thanks there are folk who are still permitted to run some errands, especially as I am not and occasionally they can be persuaded to run them for me! I give thanks for Rachel bringing me a selection of beans and pulses, rice and quinoa, onions, garlic etc from her own personal store and the healthfood focussed one across the road. These, to a mostly vegetarian who has to go easy on dairy and pre-made foods, would seem to be pretty essential indeed, and as there are less and less people available to ask for help with supplies I'm most grateful she volunteered. We all have our limits and comfort zones and I give thanks for being understanding when she declined to pick up a package for me (of more essential items, honest guv!) at a local shop...but also for someone else saying they will next time they come this way.

I give thanks for unpacking some books that arrived from Waterstones last week - having finally decided it was safe to. Hand held escapism seems pretty vital to me! And also for remembering to use (and finding) my last poetry prize gift card that has been hanging around a while...

I give thanks for spotting the older gentleman who likes to wear a short skirt and ankle socks sporting a pink shoulder bag I've not seen before today, and for his legs not looking so cold...

Ironic

I give thanks for appreciating the universe's irony regarding the yoga session. It was via a Facebook link and Facebook kept going down down here beforehand. I give thanks for optimistically preparing my bedroom anyway with dim light, candles, cushions etc and for intermittently enjoying the introductory instructions in between fiddling with my phone and tablet trying to get them back. There were some affirmations to say to yourself, including one about getting whatever you needed from the session. Lost the connection completely not long after that, so gave thanks for deciding maybe I didn't need a lot just then and just enjoying savasana a while...before getting up and making some veggie stew for today's tea.

I give thanks for waking up feeling well and energetic and doing some jobs I would have done yesterday if I'd not felt weak and ill. For getting a shift on so I could be downstairs early to have a few minutes in the sun...and trying not to be cross when the driver rang to say he was a few minutes away much earlier than I thought. For the lovely Ronda who books us in arriving at the unit at the same time as me and directing me to a gloriously sunny and sheltered bench on the other side of the building...and my first chance this year to soak up some much appreciated warming rays.


I give thanks for dressing in lots of layers as we can't take our own blankets now and the temperature varies so much inside the building. This time I was in an extraordinarily cosy room and didn't even need my cardigan and scarf, but it was a treat not to be bundled up and still deeply chilled. It was a long old day with lots of waiting and malfunctions of body and machine, and I give thanks when my blood pressure suddenly dropped for the reminder you never know when your time is up. It always feels as if the end is very near when that happens...

I give thanks for a few more minutes fresh air before my transport home arrived. For the rare treat of a driver with a similar sense of humour - sharing laughter really perked me up. For the increasing peacefulness now I'm here...and the ghost buses advertising A Quiet Place and The Invisible Man. Oh and I just remembered that stew!

Timely

I give thanks for a pretty good drying day even for laundry on lockdown indoors! For waking up at three am realising there was going to be far more washing than I thought - which isn't fun, but preferable to waking up at seven with a whole load more (literally). For trying to be productive and, though mainly producing groans and mess, getting a little bit of painting done so I could enjoy the feeling that things are moving on. For a long bath, and a short nap...and not giving in to the great urge to have a long nap after that! For the joy of two minutes fresh warm air on my face when I took the rubbish down.

I give thanks for simple but tasty food, from my currently well stocked stores. For Clive finding out the egg farm is still open and putting in an order. For Jan treating me to an online guided yoga meditation...even though she knows I will, like her, probably fall asleep!

Cansada

It was hard enough to get from my bed to the sofa this morning so I give thanks for being banned from going out! For being able to get up for a chamomile tea in the sleepless part of the night without disturbing anyone. For bright sunshine after a murky start gradually warming me up indoors. For not having anyone needing me, or needling me for lolling about.

For Mima delivering my groceries, including lots of fruit and veg...and for washing it all feeling like some exercise on a feeble day! For Jan reminding me it's fine to take it easy, and for realising since I started dialysis I feel as if I ought to be busy at the weekend as I 'waste' so much time in the week. It's always interesting when you can observe the way your thoughts unfold.

I give thanks for a couple of hours of relative liveliness later in the afternoon and getting a few useful things done. For being back on the sofa now with homemade soup ready for my supper...if I can stay awake that long!

Topping

I give thanks for the softening tips on all but the barest trees. For a different side room today where I could see the spring green of saplings as long as I was upright. For levelling out from upright sorting out a blood pressure drop. The room was cosier too, which I was grateful for, and also for (presumably) milder weather on the way as from Monday all our snuggly coverings from home are banned as an infection risk. Hospital 'blankets' will still be available of course but they are weighty rather than warm so it's going to be tough for less insulated bodies like mine...

I give thanks for Mima taking my top up shopping list to Sainsbury's to see what she could find. Also for Rachel offering to bring dry goods etc from the wonderful shop across the street from her place.
These are especially appreciated as a couple of other potential personal shoppers are no longer able to assist, and though Julie is collecting a clicked order from Tesco next Friday, after that there are no slots to be had.

I've not had any other drivers offer to transport me via the coast road yet, so I give thanks for the beauty of the inland route along which the moor tops can sometimes be glimpsed, along with the river and estuary. For the abundance of hawthorn blossom this year.

For the silly but funny Blades of Glory making me laugh out loud last night, and being able to recommend it to Jan who was in need of some humour too.

Helpless

I give thanks for not being totally reliant on others, but having less help now also makes me very grateful for the assistance I had before! For more or less keeping on top of the cleaning chores despite there being more of them these days and less hands to do them...and for managing a few other jobs I'd normally have asked someone else to do. An added bonus of this is I seem to often be either too busy or too tired to be bored, and this afternoon I was grateful it was mostly the latter so I could lounge around on the sofa a while and catch up on some rest after another broken night.

I give thanks for also tackling the mental task of letting go of wanting projects completed that just can't be done right now. Accepting the lack of control is a work in progress in itself, ha ha! For coming home last night to find a bottle of bleach on my doorstep left for me by Clive as he'd not been able to find any when I asked him to look last week. For finally getting the bottle open after too many attempts to tally! For being ahead of myself on cooking...though that does mean I'm behind on washing up! For this week's Celebrity SU2C Bake Off cracking me up. Nice to have a proper laugh...

Unorthodox

I give thanks for white horse manes blowing in the wind on the wave tops this morning. For also looking out of the window just before I went to wait for my transport and seeing one of the boats approaching that ferry the rail workers' plant to and fro. For deciding it would be OK to break the rules and walk down the pavement a few metres to watch for a short while instead of standing still.

For a nice to talk to driver today - a fellow introvert also appreciating our special skills at this time. For a silent one on the way home so I could concentrate on the world outside more easily. For the red earth of a ploughed field and some rainbows in the windows.

For an OK time on treatment, and the bizarre coincidence of being put on the machine by an old neighbour of mine - but not the patient who always wanted to give me a lift! For seeing a couple of other staff I know from elsewhere, as it always makes you feel more comfortable to see a familiar face.

For managing to eke out my packed lunch to last through various delays which made for a rather long day. For one resulting in me having to change rooms just when we were all set up, as this meant I was not so cold. For one of the prison officers chained to the patient in the room I vacated kindly handing me my coat which got left behind!

Most of all though, I give thanks for the superb Orthodox on Netflix for taking over my concentration and taking me somewhere else entirely for chunks of the last few sessions. Particularly interesting if you're interested in belief and ritual I guess, but a poignant true story anyway, plus wonderful music too!

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2020/03/31/arts/television/unorthodox-writer-deborah-feldman-netflix.amp.html