Careless

I give thanks for being home this weekend, and not away as originally planned, as I've not been fit for much except snoozing in front of the TV, and it's nicest to do that in your own living quarters. I'd wondered if I'd feel I was missing out, so give thanks for actually being far too tired to care. For trying to do other stuff at first before deciding stiffness and soreness and clumsiness and glumness made giving up a wiser choice. For managing to make a simple meal and do the washing up, only burning one pan of food through forgetfulness and not so badly that it won't come clean with a bit more effort.

I give thanks for how mostly quiet it's been - apart from that barking dog in the next street sometimes. For my skin troubles not being too uncomfortable. For an old episode of Lewis, a hot water bottle and a blanket being very comforting. 

Alien

I give thanks for the entertainment of backyard firework displays from those with flashier lifestyles than I! Reckon I  know pretty much all the reasons why pyrotechnics are a bad idea, but they always make me ooh and ah with delight and there's not an excess of that these days. Likewise for the wave machine of the sea turned up high by the wind overnight. Still blowing and I could hear it roar when I got out of the taxi just now but I'm happy pass on going closer to look. 

I've been suppressing oohs and ahs of discomfort with skin eruptions for a few weeks now while the renal and oncological teams bat responsibility to and fro. I give thanks for my kidney consultant coming to have a look this afternoon and saying she will email the cancer consultant to see what she says as it's nothing she's seen before. While they're scratching their heads I'm trying not to scratch anywhere else. Maybe I need to see a dermatologist...or an entomologist...I'm still not convinced they're not bites though nothing like any I've had before. I give thanks for having her on board anyway, she is one of the best docs in the hospital and I've seen a few! For much mirth with the research nurse too, she is always good fun to talk to and cheered me up on a difficult day with needles and pressures as well as spots. 

I give thanks for the second series of the Alienist on Netflix, seamlessly carrying on from where the book ended. The sets, costumes and cgi are such a feast for the eyes and I'm trying very hard not to gobble it up all at once...

I give thanks for not having anything I have to do this weekend, except do whatever I want...well within the various current restrictions, of course. Oh and for a very clean flat to do it in after Michelle's visit while I was out...and leftover curry to hear up for my tea. 

Lasting

I give thanks for giving into exhaustion both early last night and late this morning, but eventually making my way into a bright sunny winter's day - and so far staying awake! For managing some of the many tasks on the unrealistically long to do list which included hospital phone calls in and out, going out (to enjoy the above weather) plus being in for two deliveries, so that most other activities had to be rather rushed, abandoned at least once or just plain abandoned due to less energy and more pain than was useful. 

I give thanks for afternoon sunlight on my face...and some tasty treats to put in it! For the last of the light on the weirs of the brook. For lasting memories of some stunning bonfire nights...and for not being out hanging around for one tonight as it is more than a tad nippy! 

Prêt

What a beautiful day to get ready for lockdown! I give thanks the train was even less busy than it usually is these days and the views exceedingly scenic. Like many other people I had a few things I wanted to get in the city but the hot take away lunch I fancied was off the menu as the queues to just get in the eatery were a long way down the street, however I was already munching a freshly made crêpe by then so didn't care. Just as I approached the spot where the vendor sometimes has his trailer my pancake Pavlovian juices began to flow so I was delighted he was frying today! Poundland andother shops that will be shutting were a no go areas but Greggs and Waitrose were preternaturally quiet, presumably due to their essential nature so there's four weeks for folk to raid their shelves. I give thanks for being in and out with a vegan sausage roll from the first and then a pot of growing chives in record time!

I give thanks for a trouble free dialysis session, and the friendly local taxi man being ready to pick me up when I emerged. For in between discovering the excessively unresolved final part of a series I was watching on Netflix was just the final part of the first season, and there's plenty more story to come - though of course no guarantee of no cliffhanger endings to that...

Cramped

Gosh I was grateful to get home last night! A major attack of cramp during treatment, an incredibly slow moving nurse at the end of it who almost moved me to physical violence and then diversions due to two closed roads on the route back led to an immense sense of relief when I finally made it through my front door whimpering with fatigue and frustration due to the unavoidable disorganisation of the organisation that keeps me alive. I gave even more thanks though when walking into my increasingly graciously spacious living room. It seems to be gradually growing in size as various articles find the place where they belong, and it instantly restored some graciousness to my spirit so I remembered the nurse who knows better than every one about everything might have low self esteem that needs desperately needs the occasions when she actually does, and the one who seems too distracted to function efficiently probably has a lot of worries on her mind.

I give thanks for falling straight asleep when my head hit the mattress (I don't sleep with a pillow!) but another major attack of cramp waking me up in time to hear the astonishingly loud and long crashes of thunder. For making it through the tasks needing attention on a zombie morning before a busy afternoon attending to the repeated calls on Facebook to strip the shelves of local small businesses bare before lockdown...or close down...and meeting Mima to try a newly opened cafe before it did. In its former incarnation the tables were all squashed together but it's much better arranged now and we had a lovely large oval table to sit apart at and some very nice light cake. I give thanks for my delightful dentist explaining the various procedures we must go through before I can have a filling, and the very helpful vascular access nurse explaining how and when my operation will proceed. The plans sound very sensible but involve the co-ordination of various departments, and in my many years experience of these situations that is when plans tend to go awry. I give thanks my preferred transport home after procedures (Julie) is willing and available to provide her usual cheery and practical service and beyond that I have to accept it's out of my hands...

Stimulating

I give thanks for making a huge array of picnic food for today...time to eat it proved problematic to begin with though as I spent over an hour at appointment one waiting for a doctor who was too busy to see me, and then had to dash to the furthest side of the building to hang around in a different place for appointment two. You'll have to come back after,  said the nurse on duty who is of the 'you're lucky we're bothering with you at all' variety so I give thanks one of her kinder minions made me a mug of tea! For a good book to distract me from the misery making radio and TV they force on you in oncological areas... And for eventually leaving the building with a tube of steroid cream, a plan for surgery and an opportunity to munch a very late lunch in Clive's car on the way to check out worktops for the kitchen I'll one day have. 

I give thanks for another cup of tea arriving just now on the kidney unit, after an offer to have it freshly made as I'm at the end of the trolley round and it's often cold and stewed. It's later than I'd usually partake of stimulants but it might help me keep going until I'm finally home. For somehow slowly with my damaged left hand tapping my way through these words... Plus all the gobbledegook I tapped before most of them! 

 

Probable

I give thanks for remaining fairly active, enthusiastic and of good cheer til well past midnight last night. It makes my drowsy frowzy gloomy state today seem more justified, though why we feel the need to justify such stuff is still a mystery to me. I give thanks the bright calm start to the day gradually changed to wetter and windier, not least as this was the weekend I'd originally booked to be away, not the next one when now I can't. Very little human contact had been part of the plan - solitary strolls and posh pot noodles in my hotel room - so I'm grateful for now thinking to take one of those pots to an extended hospital day tomorrow, in case it could meet hot water at any point between two consultations before an evening dialysis session. Of all the aspects of tomorrow that could concern me, I give thanks it's probably a healthy sign the one that concerns me most is the probable inadequacy of refreshment facilities!

I give thanks for trying to prepare myself for the likely news that for Covid safety reasons I must return to the unit where I don't feel safe or cared for in other ways, and remembering to be grateful for the more comfortable and companionable months I've enjoyed at my home base. For also remembering the idea of lockdown is that it saves lives (plus maybe Christmas activities for those for whom that is a special sociable time) and the disappointments and difficulties we are all going to face are side effects of getting used to getting what we want.

I give thanks for old episodes of QI and Just a Minute making me laugh, for making mosaic making me more content and for my kidney working better today so I can have another cup of tea.