Mixed

I give thanks for my bath...pretty much every time I get in it actually. And similarly for my bed when I wake up and don't have to get out of it! I give thanks for non-hospital days...and for feeling particularly mellow today. For the sunshine and clouds and seeing the sea...

I'm fine as long as I avoid the grimmest news reports and the Facebook posts of the folk who like to share them for reasons alien to me, but which no doubt make sense to them. For the reminder we all have to deal with this in our own way, and being 'up and down' emotionally is probably as good as it can be. For people who share happy, beautiful or funny stuff when they can. For Tesco having Paracetamol on their website again...please don't all go buying them before my precious order slot in 10 days time!

I give thanks for having plenty of food in still - and plenty of choice which is still a luxury. For having lots of pleasant pastimes too. Today I decided I'd see if I had enough of the right paints to mix a colour for the inside of my bedroom door - the last one to be done. I give thanks I've just made a rather lovely shade but after doing so many other jobs around the place I'm tired and the actual painting will have to wait...as will finding out if there's enough! I give thanks it's nearly bath with a book time. Have I mentioned I love my bath?

Nippy

Although I started my second day on the unit a bit like a dog going to the vet, I give thanks it wasn't quite as mentally arduous as before. Physically it was rather challenging from the moment the cab driver insisted I got in behind her as another patient was on the other side of the back seat, making me try not to breathe for a half hour's journey! The upside of this was, as I didn't know who to talk to about it, I talked to everyone who came my way - apart from the driver and the other passenger who seemed to think all was a OK. Sharing taxis is not allowed for anyone at the moment, and certainly out of order for someone who has been sent elsewhere for safety, so I was grateful no one argued with that and I had a whole 7-seater to myself on the return and could enjoy the better views.

I give thanks for surviving the almost unbearable chill in the dual aspect (though the chair doesn't face either) side room. Even a thermal vest and a cosy quilt on top of me didn't help much which is not surprising when your blood is wandering around in the nippy air instead of staying warm inside. I was very grateful for a cup of tea so hot I could hardly lift it and a selection of tasty biscuits. One even had chocolate chips!

I give thanks for being home. Home is where the heater is, and also some ready made chick pea curry from the depths of the larder shelves. That should warm the cockles...

Moving

Or not as the case may be! I give thanks for feeling physically weary today or I'd probably have been more mentally distressed about being banned from going outdoors. They would have been ideal walking conditions for me - bright but chilly enough to wear a hat to hide the unintentional mullet due to my hair growing back, and with hardly a soul around! I give thanks for remembering last Sunday, when I had both the energy and government approval to wandered about locally, go into shops and choose some odds and ends, and walk a little way to see across the bay.

I give thanks for the view from my window, watching the waves chase in on the brisk wind earlier, and the sparkle of the sun. For having cleaning to keep me busy now my home help cannot come, and managing a very small but encouraging amount of re-organising as well. I even managed to clear my table ready to start that jigsaw soon. For putting the pretty rug from the spare room down in the living room for a while as it was wasted just folded up in a heap of things being moved around as little bits of painting get done.

I've missed the hour as Sunday is a precious day when a Monday has to follow, but I give thanks for enjoying the time I've had despite that shadow in my mind. For the moving true tale of Crip Camp making me remember how fortunate I have been, and for sitting down to a late lunch just as something on Film4 was starting. It was a few minutes before I realised it had Jim Carrey in, an actor I usually prefer to miss, but by then I was drawn in and thus give thanks for accidentally watching Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. A rather enjoyable reason to do some more lazing around.

Arranged

I give thanks for being in better spirits than I was last night when I pretty much lost the plot. In some ways it's a blessing to be used to facing likely if not imminent death, grim news and grimmer predictions, restriction on movement, cancelled plans, loss of leisure pursuits etc., but on the other hand even old hands have a level beyond which stress overload alarm bells ring. Over the last year or two there've been a few times when I've not been able to see how I can possibly deal with the next difficult thing that life serves up to me along with the less than lovely ones already on my plate. I'm grateful I'm learning how to acknowledge my desperation...and accept sometimes you feel like you can't carry on, but that doesn't mean you don't have to...

We've all got our struggles right now, and we all have to struggle on with them in hope that there'll be a better bit up ahead. I give thanks for Mima braving the supermarket and sorting office to leave a few grocery necessities downstairs along with my belated birthday jigsaw from Bob. For Ruth advising she is possibly able to be my treatment taxi sometimes which would make journeys more enjoyable and practical. Also for not getting over excited - after all it's only a few weeks ago I was delighted I'd soon be arranging my own transport to make dialysis days suit me more, and travelling to see special folk today.

I give thanks for finding a forgotten jar of chutney in the back of the cupboard which was just what some leftover curry required. For gently carrying on with making my living quarters seem less like the Marie Celeste was having a makeover at the time, and after numerous trips up and down the ladder finally managing to hang a favourite picture plus my guitar and mandolin from the picture rail. For the entertainment of the government's 'high risk' text service which leave me wondering what other kinds of risks its receivers are in. This morning's message suggested you thought of ways to spend your time - like reading or watching a film perhaps. I give thanks I already came up with those ideas on my own...along with a few dozen others!

Round

I give tremendous amounts of thanks for being back home. It's been a bit of a God give me strength day so I give thanks either a deity or something else entirely did - perhaps clean blood and a shot of iron helped.

I give thanks for last night's all around Britain Clap for Carers, very moving to feel the appreciation and the sense of community, seeing neighbours in flats across the street at their windows and hearing the applause, whoops and whistles. Also I'm grateful I've met a few dialysis nurses and hospital cab drivers now and could confidently predict the conversations I would have today. It didn't make them any more enjoyable for either party as I'm so bad at responding to banalities, formulaic grumbles or 'Aren't I amazing?' monologues, but at least I didn't imagine there would be any real communication or connection involved. That's the hard part of having to move...sometimes before there was a little here and there. On the other hand it's always interesting to study human nature, as if you do you realise there are certain personality traits and behaviours you encounter over and over again...

I give thanks for remembering there was no WiFi signal there and downloading some entertainment. Also that eventually a tea trolley did arrive. Volunteers womanned this service before and, as they've had to stop, our much valued cuppa and biscuits relies on busy support staff being free. For being allowed to choose the first taxi journey (coast road, please) as the return was predictably by the bypass so I got a visually pleasing round trip, plus a few minutes waiting in the previous fresh air at each end!

Floating

I give thanks for rediscovering how much nicer my living room looks when (at least some of) the furniture etc is back where it belongs. There's a lot less of the most horridly unfinished wall showing than I imagined - which is of course why so much stuff had to be moved in the first place. For having a smart arse answer ready for anyone who comes out with the usual 'Be careful!' regarding my exertions. I am being careful - I'm not asking for help! For a bit more of the previous 'slide puzzle' decorating, shoving things along a bit and painting what I can get to.

For Tesco finally saying when they get more new staff trained they will not only open up more delivery slots, but they will save some for the vulnerable who cannot get to their 'special' hour. For seeing on their website stocks are recovering and being cautiously optimistic... For not being in particular need of anything right now but also for Clive ringing me from Lidl this morning to say he'd found some bleach, Jo texting on the way to Waitrose just in case they had some unnecessary but favourite items* and Mima agreeing to bring a few top up basics on Saturday (subject to availability).

Severely lacking in energy or motivation this morning, I give thanks for a surgical supplies delivery due to the doorstep to force me upwards and onwards. For some second hand books ordered also arriving this afternoon. Posties must busy right now - packets usually arrive in the morning - and I've been busy too up and down stairs putting notes on the door and collecting goodies after. I was grateful for a lovely snoozy listen to James Anthony Walker's Floating which is the most relaxing piece of music I know. Particularly appreciated in current times.

*They did, and antibac hand-wash too. I give thanks lock down and enforced social distance shopping is helping the stores restock!

Tough

I give thanks for the reminder I'm going to have to toughen up. The news I'm being moved to the unit where the bullying staff had me in tears last year, had me weeping again this afternoon. Eventually I gave thanks for the rather patronising nurse dismissing my distress with 'It's for your own good' too because I'm going to have to get ready for being patronised and talked down to again. I've been spoilt here for a while with my room with a (bit of a) view where I'm mostly attended to by people who can see my body might be broken but my brain is still intact while my sense of humour, though unusual, has its merits. I give thanks in retrospect for my good fortune at a relatively pleasant period in dealing with deteriorating health...and for the news just as I was leaving that a very nice woman I met and chatted at length too a while back is now the matron where I'm going. This could possibly help a lot...

I give thanks for understanding the move is intended for my own physical good, whatever mental stress is caused. My current unit is being prepared to take infected patients, and being high risk it's best for me to be elsewhere. But this, along with a letter asking us to supply a name of someone who can bring us in to hospital if the transport system fails, brought it home to me most miserably what a burden on the system I am. I give thanks for not pinning my hopes on returning, but wistfully wishing a little nonetheless.

I give thanks for this morning's driver taking me a different way through the city to give me some variety - before I realised I'd be heading in completely the other direction from now on. For the dusting of green on distant trees...and seeing the tiny opening leaves when stopped at traffic lights. For the astonishingly warm temperatures we often have in March - and for the British weather amnesia meaning folk are always surprised! Oh...and for forgetting the word amnesia so I had to look it up!