Taking the trouble

I give thanks for remembering this time last year I was taking one last 'one last trip' with Jan. I knew there was trouble ahead, but I give thanks I didn't realise quite what horrors the coming twelve months had in store or I might lost my appetite for buckwheat crêpes and French pâtisserie and flown away with the lorikeets!

It seems for most of my years there's been trouble ahead, behind... or somewhere closer by...sometimes smiling beside me pretending to be something else entirely. I give thanks this has taught me to treasure the odd hours here and there when it's been less evident. Sometimes just the moments. I give thanks for sunflowers seen in a field from the top deck of the bus.

Today's been heavy on the stress levels. I give thanks for the release of laughter with trainee nurse Taylor who held my hand and helped keep up a rambling conversation to distract me, and drown out the conversation between the struggling surgeon and attending staff the other side of the screen. For laughing with Julie too afterwards. For trying not to get worked up about the fact the general opinion is that the procedure may not have worked. For the stunningly heavy rain on the journey home. For Higgidy pie for my tea. For knowing, barring medical emergencies (and I'm really not in the mood for those) I can take it easy for a few days now... For the people who've taken the trouble kind thoughts.

Soft arm tactics

I give thanks for the sedation of meditation when I woke in the night full of dread.

I give thanks for the soft sound of the rain when I woke in the morning. For resisting the temptation to stay in bed resting my weariness, getting up instead to carry on with the list of tasks best done while I've one and a half working arms.

For a gap between teariness and showers to go and do the ones in town...and a pause by the sea in some sunshine with takeaway tea and cake. For the friendly folk who serve me with refreshments, medication and other requisites around here.

For the pair of blues and twos that sped past me up the hill being called to an altercation on another part of the street.

For asking Julie if she could possibly pick me up after surgery tomorrow, and for her very kindly saying yes even though she actually has something else to do. This is why I try not to ever ask people for help - because, of course, they always do!

I give thanks that in amongst all the more strenuous domestic chores I found time to finish the first of a pair of cushion covers for the craft sale.

Oops!

I'd been rather disappointed with the camera on the phone I got last year. It's a not very modern Samsung, and though on the whole their phone cameras are excellent, it seemed the lens cover had got scratches and scuff marks and everything was blurry.  I give thanks for thinking I'd think up a pouch I could make to keep it safe(r) in future. Meanwhile, as I'm clumsy and fumbly with my hands I'd of course put a silicon case on the back and a clear screen protector on the front as soon as I'd bought it. It was time to change the foggy battered latter yesterday, and when I finally managed to peel it off I discovered...another one underneath! How could this be? Had there been one on there all along and I'd not noticed? A bit of fog shifted in my brain and a question formed... I turned the phone over and started scraping at the little aperture at the back... And voila! Now I've removed the protective cover the camera works just fine. I give thanks thanks for that...despite feeling rather foolish at taking so long to find out. Here is a nice crisp picture of a slippery banana skin on the pavement to prove it. Didn't think that actually occurred outside childhood comic cartoons...

I give thanks for getting back to tackling various unsavoury tasks today.  The hospital continues to be unable to answer various questions about my post op ability/mobility although they seem to think the bus might be a tad tricky. I'm thinking from the way they're talking even getting dressed afterwards will... Maybe I should just make the outward journey in my dressing gown and slippers and save carrying them as well? It seems I should have had an informative leaflet with my admission letter but when I downloaded one it contradicted a lot of what I was told in the pre op assessment call anyway so I give thanks for knowing you never really know anything at all.

Deeply dippy

Feeling creaky and tired today after much busyness trying to avoid a 'last of the summer' whine over these unexpected days of fine weather, I was sort of grateful Mima and I had agreed that despite the crowds and unhelpful tide times it would be rude not to attempt at least a wet bum paddle and I had to eventually stir. I wasn't keen, even the trek down the hill seemed too arduous and when we got our feet wet we soon decided it was much too cold to actually swim... Though many degrees warmer than the ice bucket brook yesterday!

What sometimes happens when I've decided I'm not going to do something though, especially with great medical unknowns nudging me, is that I think I must! So I give thanks for giving the chilly sea another go and getting a proper dip. Swimming is one of the few things I do less well than before that I think I actually enjoy more...immersion being such a sterling treatment for all manner of mental ills.

I give thanks for a potter about the teeming town beaches, where almost as many people seemed to be on the water in some way or other as in it or looking on. For being in time for the last rhubarb and ginger cake as we missed the Thai noodles next door. For chatting to a family who'd just availed themselves of the kind of 'boat in a box' I considered buying when I first moved here before logistics and illness put paid to the plan...it seemed a great success and now Mima and I have half a plan to get one for more adventures another time if I manage to continue to impersonate someone well and fit so well!

I give thanks for continuing to do this against all odds especially as I'm still dippy and distracted in my head, leaving a bag of groceries on the floor in Boots after packing my rucksack at the counter. I give thanks, after trundling back down the hill again, there was such a long queue waiting to board a just arrived bus I had time to zip into the store and retrieve my shopping and join the end of it for a ride half way back.

Finger lichen good

I'm supposed to limit myself to 3 scoops of ice-cream a week, but I've not actually had any at all for a couple of months so I gave thanks for a delicious and inexpensive raspberry pavlova one today that pretty much used my full seven days' quota! It came from a certain large retail outlet I rarely say anything good about apart from the pasta stall and the rugs...so I'll add ice-cream to the list of good things now. I give thanks for finding several more acres of this store today including the Italianate hillside garden centre complete with lily lake! That was pretty awesome too.

I give thanks this was a side trip though on the way home from the main event of a day on the moor. For the wonderful warm sunshine and enjoying a potter about, during which I bought a cute little pottery jug from a craft exhibition that proved to be entirely one woman's work - artwork, various needlecrafts and ceramics. Having paid for a holiday I could only just afford, and now can't take, the coffers mainly have cobwebs in, but after many years trying to persuade people to part with hard cash for my own creations I couldn't begrudge her £3 a handpainted countryside scene on a useful kitchen item!

I give thanks for the spirit soar of the views, the chirrup of crickets, calves suckling in the road and ponies rock climbing among the mercifully not too madding crowds. I give thanks my slacker of a mojo managed to produce an easily accessible but not oversubscribed babbling brook to chill our toes in while we had a picnic lunch.  For Home Farm refreshment vans because they do good refreshments, and because when I was a wee small girl that was the name of my home. For lavish lichen on a weathered graveyard seat. To Mima for offering to take me, for transport services (carrying trays as well as chauffeuring) and for her tolerance. I know I'm not the best company for others just now, but it makes me feel better to have some...

Ships that pass in the day

I give thanks for another day of good weather for folk out finding fun. For extra dark shades as I wanted to go out too but it was raining in my eyes...

For a scenic bus ride to a shop I was sure would have a couple of elusive food items, including cardamom seeds...and finding they did, plus some nice snack foods to lunch on in the sun. And for a place nearby having some cheap fat quarters I liked 3 of enough to buy to go with some other fabric, fillings and trimmings in my stash and make a cushion or two for the craft sale.

For seeing the pilot boat and a tanker leaving port from the unusual viewpoint of the hill climbing up on the other side of the river.

For mackerel skies and a murmuration of starlings as I drank a cup of takeway tea on the back beach between the flying flares and smoke of some re-enactment at the regatta and a band at the pub music festival playing That's Entertainment and Stuck in the Middle with You.

For the steel slide blues guitar busker by the bus stop. Serendipitous music is often the kind I like the best...

Sadly over the last couple of years I've lost the knack of wandering about contentedly on my own, so I give thanks for giving thanks for these moments. For overhearing a few conversations to remind me there are worse things than being on your own, and a few un-neighbourly goings on on my return to remind me there are worse things than wandering about, even discontentedly! I give thanks the guy upstairs got so cross with the dog next door he went off out in a huff for a while. I gave thanks for the feeling of solitude...which is very different from feeling alone.

I got sunshine

I give thanks I don't mind salmon as long as it's in small doses and am very partial to spinach, as I ordered the wrong fishcakes from Tesco! I give thanks I'm well aware of side wind-up syndrome whereby, if you're stressed and pre-occupied, you become accident prone, clumsy and forgetful and mysteriously capable of causing inanimate objects to disappear into another dimension the moment your back is turned. I used to think this was one's subconscious sending out calls for outside assistance but it maybe it is nature's way of getting you to take a break from your main concerns and fret over small stuff...getting upset over a chipped crockery when your heart is broken, crying over spilt milk when you've lost your dairy farm? Who knows... I've certainly spent plenty of time worrying and wondering about lost things this last few weeks, which is less time spent on lost causes and for which I guess I should be grateful.

I give thanks for sleep, my best friend at the moment, gently removing me from the fray of the day. And when it fails me, as it did at 3am today, I give thanks for books to reach for and wrap my around my brain, the way you might reach for a loved one to hold you close and comfort you.

I give thanks that after an unsure start the sun did more than wink through the clouds and it was properly summery warm. For wearing a dress and sandals chosen when the season seemed full of, if not promise, at least hints of trips and possibility...and which had thus been languishing a long time unused in the wallflower part of the wardrobe! For Mima kindly sharing her sunny outdoor space and offering cups of tea and biscuits, and seeing Dorothy and taking the time for a bit of carefully annunciated high volume catch up up chat. For once again carrying a lot more a lot further than I would have thought I would easily do. Well, maybe not that easily...but when doctors ask me if I get tired and breathless I don't think they mean lugging heavy shopping up hills and flights of stairs.

I give thanks for a smiley busker singing the song you first thought of when you read the title of this post. For rebel self seeded violas beside the municipal beds...

I give thanks some hasty tasty food is almost ready and that it is so far quiet enough to consider another quiet night in may be a blessing rather than a curse. I feel a little weary. Women do get weary you know, no matter how many dresses they have to wear. Yep, it's a lyric a minute on here, even when we're short on laughs...

Second helpings

I give thanks for the unexpected bright sunset last night brightening my spirits for a minute or two.  It was murky and grey on the other side of the sky and I'd have missed if I hadn't been greedy and needed 'second tea' - an early one when I got back from town seeming inadequate when I unpacked what Mr (and Mrs) Tesco brought. I give thanks for small delicious portions of what are now 'luxury' diet items ie. mashed potatoes and broccoli!

I give thanks for imagining we might have a bright sunny day today...we didn't, but imagining it might happen made me feel good so that was good anyway. I can find something to appreciate in almost any kind of weather except this dull still sort...but then again I'm so dull and still myself at the moment maybe it's the best kind for now. I keep telling myself the end is nigh and I'll repent if I think this time's not been well spent, but for some reason this is no help at all. I give thanks for getting on with indoor chores and telling myself I'll be pleased they are done if I can work myself up to seeing the point in trying to do something more pleasing tomorrow.

I give thanks for trying again to get more information about my surgery next week. I'd really rather just pretend it isn't happening, but unless I get lucky and the entire world ends before then, in order to work out how to get home afterwards I need to have a vague idea when I'll be able to...and how able I will be. It seems no one can tell me that however. I think it's one of those (many) scenarios where hospitals assume patients have patient people standing by to attend to their transport and other auxillary needs...which, as I don't, makes me feel rather defeated and sad. So I guess I give thanks that's how I was feeling already...

Oh well, on the bright side it's nearly time for first tea again, and I give thanks my mouth is watering at the thought. I have a yen for thai monkfish curry or leeks and scallops in buckwheat crepes...but Mallaig and Roscoff are too far away so a smoked haddock fishcake will have to do...

Might as well try and

I give thanks for new books to read - one from a charity shop, one from eBay, and one from Ann who sent me this little homemade book mark too! Bless you Ann...

I give thanks for the aforementioned son and cousins appreciating being appreciated.

I give thanks for a breath of fresh air. Plodding through the summer visitors at play on mundane, mostly medical related missions I don't find especially uplifting just now (ever) but as it wasn't the warmest sunniest day there was a little quietish spot to sit with a takeaway tea and a mini lemon meringue pie and watch from an acceptable distance. I wouldn't have said it was particularly breezy either but the sea sport school was out with a couple of valiant trainee windsurfers, and another pair doing something I couldn't name involving a sail and a board more boat shaped but still almost flat and upon which they seemed to be sitting. I give thanks a camera with a good zoom lens can double as binoculars. I give thanks that seeing them reminded me of the Donovan song...

I give thanks todaywasntallaboutkidneyfailure. A day or two even less would go down well and I give thanks for a touch of mousepad magic to conjure up a cut price possibility. I just need some good fortume and some faith. I give thanks that thinking that reminded me of the George Michael song. I give thanks for the juke box inside my head...

Still small voice of harm

I still hear the voices of my mother and siblings echoing in my head, saying the kind of things they used to do about me not deserving good things as I'm a bad person in so many ways. I give thanks, many years too late, I understand though I've made some poor life choices and calls, with better genes and nurturing I might have been in a better position to make better ones. Conversely quite a lot of people I've met since my immediate family have told me I can't have good things in life because I don't think I deserve them and believe I'm a bad person in so many ways, don't think positively enough etc. Actually, I reckon I'm usually pretty good person and usually positive until what I perceive negative things happen...including people telling me I'm not trying hard enough! To my mind no one is all good or bad, though it's true we all to some degree do harm - to others and ourselves - and who is to say what any one else 'deserves' anyway! It mystifies me that some people believe it's OK to tell other people they are not and I give thanks that apart my son and a couple of cousins I don't have family connections any more...though of course, as usual, I give thanks there are folk for whom nearest are dear and whose experience of relationships with relatives is a source of joy and succour. I'm happy for everyone who has happy!

I give thanks for dreaming of a Christmas with Bob, packing lots of little gifts into a stocking for him ...and then finding out on waking he'd been reading my blog in the night, making kind 'You don't deserve this' type comments, and thanking me for his belated Christmas jumper!

I give thanks to Jan for helping me try to find some belief in the possibility of a little trip away somewhere while I still can. For more attempts at sorting out refunds to fund this in between the usual domestic chores. Though I can communicate for practical purposes it's still a huge struggle to engage in chirpy chit chat, even virtually. It feels as if some essential mental circuits have blown and I might never feel pleasure again, though Brendan on Coach Trip actually made me laugh a little so maybe they will mend eventually..,

Bitter top

I give thanks for discovering last night I can access an extra mental state over and above grieving and numb...I can now do panic too! Good to have a bit of variety...

I give thanks for applying myself to the grim tasks of unarranging that which had been organised with such optimism and joy. I feel a bit bereft and bereaved but it has to be done and it's no use crying over dead dreams...though I guess most of us have shed a tear or two about one or two in our time. I've wept so much over the last few days I'm wondering if I should ask for an exra fluid allowance when the time comes - I mean that moisture must spring from somewhere! I give thanks for managing after many tries to find a consultant's secretary who a) would answer their phone and b) didn't require me to vaporise on the spot for having the audacity to call it. In fact she was so nice and helpful I'm a bit worried it may have been a wrong number or someone just passing who picked up...

I give thanks for having a brainwave and realising I could download the book that is too heavy for me. They even have it in e form at the library...allegedly...but for some reason neither I nor the staff on duty could make it actually available to me!

I give thanks for the late light on the water. For the excellent Top of the Lake distracting me and helping drown out the drone of disgruntled neighbours.

I give thanks though meditation is not going well (see above) I'm still keeping up with the Shiatsu...so I can be twisted even while I'm bitter about the universe literally not giving me a break.

Wish you were here

Dreamt I was on a Caribbean cruise last night. Ouch...that waking up was hard to do! Never mind tears before bedtime, it's tears before breakfast here sometimes... Oh well, I give thanks to my subconscious for doing its best!

I'd spent hours on line beforehand trying to find somewhere I'd like to be for a few days, where I'd be allowed to be, that I could actually get to. I want to make a memory of being happy in a beautiful place to take with me into the place where this is unlikely to happen again. The official line is that holidays should still possible, and they are of course, but I checked them out too and you'd need more money than I could imagine ever having to spare...and probably a car and a caring companion...or even more money I guess, to pay someone who doesn't care to drive you about. They show you people with home machines taking them on trips in camper vans or basking on their Spanish balconies...but the kit doesn't actually include a caravanette and a holiday flat! 'To those who have' and all that...and I give thanks for those who have and know not what it's like to have not.

I give thanks for all the half a sixpence trips I've managed to concoct over the years, but unfortunately the skill seems to have dried up just now, probably not least because of the sense of time and luck running out. I want someone else to say 'Here, let me, I'll sort it out... I'll get you somewhere happy!' and I give thanks for everyone who has that too, a helping hand to take the reins of the wish horses now and then.

Meanwhile, back in my real world, I give thanks for attempting to apply those logistical skills to working out how to have day surgery on one site and an appointment with a consultant on another on the same afternoon. There should be time if all goes well, and though further apart than I'll probabaly feel like walking, not so far that I couldn't get a cab...but I suspect I'd really rather just get home as soon as possible afterwards and that will be challenge enough. Maybe I'll ring them up tomorrow and see if they've any helpful suggestions, though this arrangement is what they came up with last time they offered those so I'm not overly optimistic...

I give thanks for completing my mission for the rest of the day which was to deal with the pile up of laundry and washing up caused by yesterday's breakdown of other sorts of function...and to tidy away the things I'd been collecting to take away. If my subconscious wants to treat me to something impossible tonight it might help it not to be holiday related if there's not a case with passport, travel plugs, new socks, toothbrush and rucksack under the bed!

I give thanks for the church bells this morning, for everyone who has any kind of faith. For making myself a hearty crumble to nibble at now and then. For the drizzly day to go with my grizzliness. For the kind things some people have said. I give thanks you're there even though you're not here...and I'm sorry for being a wuss!

It's heavy man

Ah shucks. I was so grateful when the new(ish) Alan Bennett book I reserved at the library had come in, but not when I went to pick it up and realised it was twice the size of a normal hardback and not only would it be almost impossible for my feeble little hands to hold, but definitely too heavy to lug around the supermarket and home with the groceries! Never mind - when I discovered the weighty contents of the letters from the hospital, that was it for concentrating on anything really for the next few hours. I give thanks that shortly after, quite randomly, Stephy sent a message luring me out for tea and cake with her and Gary so I didn't have to try...and for them both being understanding when I didn't want to talk about my troubles. Thinking about them is more than I can bear sometimes, putting them into words gives them way too much power.

I don't want to talk about them in a gratitude blog either, but basically I had two things left to look forward to, two little holidays I'd booked a while back due to happen the next few weeks... and now neither really seems feasible. And you know, it's not really an 'Oh well, there's always another time' situation and I'm really not taking it well. I don't know what to give thanks for about it to be honest...um...that I dared to keep dreaming that the nightmare wasn't real?

I am currently completely out of cunning plans, wit and wisdom, resilience, resourcefulness, strength, serenity...the whole kit and caboodle of what I try to be. I think I should be giving thanks for the opportunity to develop new qualities...perhaps defeatism and a ready willingness to give up might come in handy, certainly more acceptance and appreciation of what I've got. I give thanks I've a TV and a bath and a bed, a few pages left to read in a book. I give thanks I can still make people laugh when I'm crying inside...and that I can stay inside and cry as much as I need to, well for a day or two at least. I give thanks I've Higgidy Pie for my tea.

Haven't a clue

I give thanks for continuing to feel really quite remarkably well. I should probably be grateful I'd still be capable of good times, if opportunities were still to be had... But I'm also grateful they are thin on the ground now as my state of mind remains pretty poor.

I give thanks I've been less tearful the last couple of days, becoming more numb, but I can't imagine maintaining cheerful for more than the odd minute or two. I give thanks for those moments... Like when I was watching storm clouds hurtling towards us and then the most tempestuous shower with sideways trees and rain. And then some rumbling thunder. I give thanks I get so much pleasure from weather - it's free and it's always there.

I give thanks for using my energy cooking nice things for myself...and cleaning up, plus knitting, sewing and crochet, sorting out laundry and stuff for the charity shop, with shiatsu and yoga in between when there's room - sorting out being a messy business.

I give thanks for everyone not giving me advice about what I should feel or do. This is most appreciated as I'm sorry you haven't a clue! If you're there somewhere and care, cups of tea are welcome (but with cake not sympathy in case I start crying again), or trips to nice places to make up for the fact that soon I'll be spending half my days making trips to the hospital...unless I can sell my flat and find somewhere to live where I could have treatment at home instead. Or just feel at home in between.

I give thanks for finding a couple of books I'd like to read, one at a bargain price on ebay and one at the library. I give thanks the latter would like a couple of crosswords again...though unfortunately my puzzle brain doesn't seem to be working at the moment and I haven't a clue either!

Dark matters

I give thanks for staring into space, I've been doing a lot of that today. For trying to think as little as possible as my mind is coming up with stuff best not dwelt upon. For limiting even virtual speech in case the dark thoughts sneak out into words. It's bad enough that I feel bad, I don't want to spread it round.

I give thanks for the heavy rain last night - if you just want to curl up and suck your metaphorical thumb that's a fine meteorological condition! For listening to the wind in the trees this morning, the scaffolders clattering around down the street, whistling and male bonding. That the world keeps on turning and people have good things going on.

I give thanks for the soft caress of fresh sheets, and getting the clean ones pressed while still damp. For the smell of hot cotton...like the smell of sun on your skin.  I give thanks for grabbing some lunch and grabbing a few minutes of that before the clouds and showers returned. For a random smoke trailed aerobatic loop out over the sea...and the tankers lining up to come through the shallows at high tide.

I give thanks for a previously unwatched episode of Red Dwarf where Kryten has a mid life mech crisis, and tells the universe who then has one too. That though the future's looking kind of dim, at least mid is a long time gone...

Loved by me

I give thanks for a wonderful treat last night - the guys upstairs were both out for a while. The way they like to live their lives means this very rarely happens, but the way I like to live mine is without overhearing someone overhead all the time (or them overhearing me) so, though on the whole I think being reminded what you're missing is not a good thing when you can't have more, last night it was very welcome to have a little outer peace to help me find some inside myself. Not that I did anything particularly spectacular with it but it I enjoyed and I had a laugh at Catchphrase, and enjoyed the unaccompanied Croatian klapa singing which moved the unlikely audience of Coach Trip travellers as much as me, and it was nice to do that unaccompanied by the neighbours...

I give thanks for the first brief seconds when you wake up and even though you may have many woes and troubles, momentarily they haven't had time to fill your mind. For the first cup of fragrant Earl Grey tea from a new packet. The Co-op's 'Loved by us' sort is my favourite. It's Fair Trade (allegedly) and I like to think I'm not causing too much pain to others in my quest for pleasure...plus it reminds me that a safe and suitable home to deal with deteriorating health as comfortably as possible is a first world luxury, not a human right.

I give thanks for a tiny girl with a bright pink bucket and a nimble toed old lady dancing to the buskers on the Triangle who let the love flow to brown eyed girls who've got what it takes. For the GP's receptionist entertaining the waiting patients with a story of a less than helpful ECG administered by a handsome young medic who had her pacy pulse (which was the cause of the examination) racing out of control when he had to adjust her bosom to attach the sensors to her chest. I give thanks for loitering in the sunshine with a swirl of Swiss patisserie, and managing not to linger with either the person who wanted me to come to a bible study class nor the one who wanted to discuss dire dialysis tales whilst puffing smoke at me.

I give thanks for buzzy Rachel managing to find time in her busy schedule to dash over and give me a spot of acupuncture. I'm aware I'm rather needy at the moment and give thanks I understand other people don't need that. For giving myself lots of love and attention and tenderness and care.

Live long and prosper

I give thanks for all the holiday makers enjoying the seaside sun, for realising despite my desperate urge for a day or two away while there's still a little bit of summer I'm feeling too sad to do it on my own...and of course one of the sadnesses is I'd have to. On the other hand I give thanks on behalf of everyone I know that this is the case as I really would not be a shiny happy person to be with just now.

I give thanks for sitting half way up the steps going nowhere, where no one really notices you, and if your face crumples with tears you can turn towards the tamarisk and try not to let it show. I give thanks when I realised I'd left my cardigan somewhere I worked out where and it was still there.

I give thanks for Julie's delight at the new vegan cafe's offerings including six or seven types of cake. I had a chocolate and raspberry torte which I'm sure was bad for me but pretty much everything is, you know, and it really was delicious!

I give thanks for having her company on the journey to and fro. For finding some things to discuss and even joke about as well as the things that aren't funny. For the consultant whom I'd not seen before being quite pleasant and helpful and, unusually, seeming to have some grasp of the concept that there are folk who are not only incurably ill, but incurably poor and alone as well, and for whom it is an especially stony downhill road to be stumbling and tumbling along.

I give thanks for Mima and Jan sending me good luck messages this morning. Some good luck would be a wonderful thing for sure! For the neighbours being quiet since I got home so I guess that's some. For being able to weep myself to sleep in peace, wake up and do it all over again. Even talking to myself seems beyond me this evening so I give thanks I can shut down my brain with recorded TV, a book and a bath til I feel more capable again. Live long and prosper readers, the alternative is not recommended at all.

Pulling the rug out

I give thanks for remembering when I feel that I simply cannot deal with something on my own, that it is just a feeling and I can and I will because there's actually no other option. Haha...and I give thanks for just writing that and hearing Rachel isn't coming tonight, just when I was almost relying on some comforting conversation and a soothing restorative treatment to set me up for the appointment tomorrow morning I'm dreading so much. See, now if I hadn't just been reminding myself how tough and independent I am, I might have been disappointed... Oh, and actually, as I'd planned to make one of my favourite meals and have been looking forward to it for hours I can give thanks I can have it early too!

Of course we're all on our own really, we're all all we've got, but I give thanks for everyone for whom it doesn't seem like that, who feel as if there's at least someone on their side, at least some of their lives anyway.

I give thanks for keeping telling myself most doctors most of the time don't mean most patients harm, and some of them some of the time don't mean to be intimidating and/or patronising either... I give thanks I even understand statistically and psychologically they are more likely to act that way when the patient is very obviously very much on their own - even if they themselves aren't aware of this! Sometimes it's easier for them to remember you're a real person, not just a bundle of notes and bodily functions, when they see another person treating you as real I guess...

Meanwhile I give thanks for bustling about with domestic chores, including taking the recycling out to freshly emptied bins, enjoying the mild sunshine and wondering whether to go out further for a while before it suddenly started raining again so curling up on the sofa under a cuddly rug to watch subtitled TV and snivel instead. I don't know whether to be grateful someone's removed all the carpet from the communal stairs and landings or not. It could be the sign some long overdue refurbishment may be about to start, or it could be some kind of punishment for suggesting it ought to. Living here it's hard to be sure of anyone's intentions...

Close to the edging

When I feel like I can't go on, and all of my hope is gone, I give thanks I can reach out for...butter and sugar and flour and eggs! Last night I was craving the solace of apple and blueberry pudding so deeply though I ate too much too quickly too hot and gave myself indigestion. Oh well, most comforts come with more than one price tag don't they?

I give thanks though I kept waking up in the night I kept going back to sleep again.

I give thanks for some bright warm sunshine in between the clouds and despite the nippy old wind. For having shopping and lost property to pick up in town and escape the very audible grumpiness of the neighbours for a while. For Mima offering refreshments on her sheltered patio, and making a flask to take to brave the breezy seafront when the shadows had crept too high up the walls for us to enjoy the sun any more.

I give thanks for Bob sending me a message thanking me for his Christmas present while he was enjoying it. No not the jumper, the ticket to Boomtown! This, as any mother or festival goer will appreciate, is great dedication to gratitude...and as I've been feeling so glum was particularly appreciated too.

I give thanks for working out how to do the edge on whatever this is. I much prefer making up my own designs to copying other people's, but of course you do have to work out what the pattern is instead of merely following instructions...

Turn turn turn

Um...gosh...tough one today (or five)...

I give thanks for Earl Grey tea in the morning, with toasted rye bread and butter...

For chivvying myself repeatedly, though not remorselessly, to keep moving beyond the lethargy and lack of motivation and find things I could convince myself I needed to do. Sometimes it really is a challenge for even the most inventive mind to find a point!

For finding out I'm not the only one sensing autumn in the air the last few days... though hopefully I am alone in finding the prospect deeply bleak. It's not that I don't love mists and fruitfulness and all the rest, it's other stuff about the turning season about which I feel less than mellow...

I give thanks that something I couldn't find and hoped I'd left in Mima's car the other night...was there and not lost in the woods! Perhaps I'll motivate myself and go and pick it up tomorrow, which would be good as I could maybe pick up some more Earl Grey teabags at the same time - stocks are getting scarily low!

I give thanks for a good book to read, though the fact I've finished it now probably adds to my being rather sad and dispirited. Sometimes when you come to the end of something you've really enjoyed it feels a bit like you've lost a friend, doesn't it?

Joint decision

I give thanks to Mima for taking me on a scenic drive on a beautiful evening. In fact it was such a lovely journey that we did some parts of it more than once...even on the way home in the dark! I give thanks that in between we saw some rather stunning views, a pretty sunset, an astonishing moon...and some good fireworks displays preceded by tasty cake and mugs of tea at a friendly late opening cafe (with a slightly smeary window)!

I give thanks for sleeping very soundly from soon after our late return but when I woke early I immediately realised my lower joints were in too much pain to even take the prospect of turning over in bed lightly, let alone anything as rash as getting up to make a cup of tea. Of course I did in the end, but clearly there's been a tad too much trudging up and down hills going about my business over the last few days so I had to respect their decision to request rest and recuperation. I give thanks for a day of splendidly contented under achievement. Sometimes being awesome is an awful chore you know, and idly slobbing about instead makes a delightful change...

For richer, for poorer

Dry. Warm. Cool. Hot. That's what it says on my Millet's carrier bag and yes, I think it describes me pretty well! I'd been in to check out a rucksack reduced from 35 of your earth pounds to 15 of mine, and having decided it was fit for the purpose intended was even more grateful to discover it rang up on the till as 10.

I give thanks for the view from the top deck of the bus...today I was particularly enchanted by a young copper beech tree and its shadow in a close cropped field. For soothing Buddhist chants to prepare me for arrival in a town I'm always glad to depart from, Desmond Dekker and old Stones to de-zombify me on the way home, dancing (inside) like no one was looking while the outside of me merely rhythmically tapped a finger on the dusty window ledge.

I give thanks for my favourite takeaway, eat with your fingers lunch - a slice of spinach and feta pie and a blackberry and apple yoghurt topped flapjack. It's rich in several food groups I'm meant to avoid but that probably just adds to the flavour...  For trying not to pass judgement on others' lifestyle choices, though I'm a fail at that and blinkers might be a good idea, along with a nose clip like synchronised swimmers wear to protect my snobbish senses from various kinds of cigarette smoke, unclean bodies and clothes...and budget meat product pasties!

I give thanks for finally tracking down a budget water filter jug that takes the old style, still widely available budget cartridges. Coming up to the end of its tenth year of service my outgoing one is indelibly stained and scarred with age and held together with bright orange gaffer tape I found a reel of on a pavement one day...

I give thanks for a siesta - it's been a busy start to the day and I must away to make a takeaway tea and prepare for an evening excursion...

Come rain or shine

Here comes the rain again...falling on my head like an eighties pop song! I give thanks for it making pretty patterns on my window pane, and making art with the light shining through the leaves of my houseplants.

I give thanks for my nose being less drippy and having plenty of energy and motivation. For writing some letters and persuading my truculent printer to print them...eventually. For going out in the mizzly drizzle to post them in town where they will set off more speedily than from my local box. For admiring the sea and sand, largely untroubled by tourists.

I give thanks for creative enthusiam, working on an ongoing project and coming up with another one using odds and ends to help fill the table and (hopefully) the coffers at the craft stall for the local 'friends of the library'. For some cleaning enthusiasm too, restoring shine to murky cooker parts. I give thanks there's leftover curry for tea...and that I might just feel inclined to whip up a side dish to go with it...and maybe some afters for after too!

Making a meal of it

I probably shouldn't take Jon Ronson to bed. He sometimes causes me to laugh out loud quite uncontrollably loudly, and I doubt the neighbours give thanks for that late into the evening. I always give thanks for a laugh though, especially as I've not been doing so much of late at any time of day. And anyway, it's a hardback library book, the sort I wouldn't trust my hands to grip in the bath, so bed's the best place to be reading it...from my perspective anyway.

The other thing I came home from the library with was...a cold! I'm not at all amused as I've had one already this year, and one last year as well...this is not what I expect from my immune system! However I do give thanks you're supposed to 'feed a cold' aren't you? So I made some pancakes for brunch and a vegetable curry for lea, and for some strange reason they were pretty much the best examples of either dish I've ever made! Of course, cooking for one you only have your own taste buds to please, and they might have been unappealing to other palates, but mine thought they were exceedingly good and were extremely grateful...

I give thanks for waking up in a good mood, feeling positive and light of heart. It didn't last so I also give thanks if you're rather down and blue the snuffles blend in well. I give thanks for getting on with cleaning and creative tasks as well as cooking between the sneezes and snoozes. And for dropping everything and stopping for Shiatsu and a meditate when the guys upstairs went out. It's so much more soothing without their living sounds in the background.

Faith, hope...and something

I give thanks though I'm struggling with faith and hope at the moment I still endeavour to engender charity. For years I've tried to apply the theory that if someone doesn't treat others well they're probably hurting themselves in some way, but I've gradually extended my scope of understanding to accept they might also be somewhere on the autistic spectrum and have difficulty grasping how other people's feelings may be affected by their words/deeds (or lack of), or they could be a high scorer on Hare's checklist of psychopathic tendencies and have difficulty grasping how other people's feelings are of any consequence at all (apart from how they can be manipulated for gain) or they might have such a low opinion of the person they're being unkind to that they actually think their behaviour is justified. These folk too are worthy of compassionate thought, though obviously if you're on the receiving end in the latter two cases this should be done in an abstract way from as far away as possible! Forget what your own faith may tell you - cheeks are not for turning!

I'm human and still have feet of clay. I don't always have altruistic thoughts about less than altruistic folk...but I give thanks I try to remind myself not to actively wish them harm. A couple of  women were talking about voodoo dolls the other day (in a charity shop!), and one was just saying she'd made them and they work, when I felt compelled to interrupt and ask if they worked the other way if you did nice things to them instead, stroked them or brought them little bunches of flowers, or something? Apart from my lack of social graces in butting in, the women clearly thought it was a strange notion to have remote good intentions but I don't see why it has to be, I mean people who pray pray for people don't they, and people who don't might do metta or send kind thoughts...why shouldn't you make an effigy to make someone feel good not suffer? Oh, well rhetorical question I guess...

I give thanks for the glory of  moonlight silvering the sea last night. For discovering the reviews were true that sad this camera's not good in low light...but you get the idea anyway. For discovering how easy it is to whip up a little hot toffee sauce - all those years of watching CDWM paying off at last!

I give thanks for no scary phone calls from doctors today, and a chat about scary futures with Linda. For Jenny giving me a lift to the library so I could bring a bag of food bank donations with me, and that one of the books she was about to return was one I wanted to borrow. For feeling quite sprightly after such an easy start to the afternoon and grabbing some end of the day bargains and a packet of yummy Abernethy biscuits to lug up the hill after finishing up the in town chores. I give thanks for the man on the till in the supermarket undoing my folded up in a bag shopping bag and loading my groceries while I fumbled with my purse. Every little helps and it wasn't even Tesco!

Oh wow is me

Well I was feeling a bit sad and lonesome last night so I gave thanks that I was on my own as you can feel that way in company and that really is the pits! I figured another advantage was that I could leave the washing up and whatever to have an early bath and bury my head in bed with a book...and, being quite tired, was being quite grateful for that... when I went into the bedroom and went 'Oh wow!' at the pale moon rising through the pastel tinted swathes of cloud...and then a skein of geese flew by and I was oh wowing all over again and thought to give thanks again that I was on my own as if I'd been doing something sociable I'd probably not have been gazing wistfully out of windows at all, would I? And come to think of it, if I'd have been living somewhere suitable I wouldn't have seen these scenes anyway.. So, yep, plenty to be thankful for in a convoluted kind of way.

Um... today? Watching the day and the summer, and so many other things slip away and trying not to be too regretful, or regret it too much when I was. For doing my Shiatsu, and having a meditate and crocheting away at whatever it is I'm making for the craft sale until my arms got sore...

I give thanks for realising my morning toast had been made with mouldy bread before I put it in my mouth. I give thanks for making and making disappear a big bowl of one of my favourite comfort meals (of those still allowed) - wholemeal pasta with button mushrooms and leeks in a pesto and cream cheese sauce. Actually this time it was Boursin cream cheese with garlic and herbs so even better! For drifting off into a little post prandial doze... Sometimes it seems I can barely bear all the many sorts of loss I'm feeling now, but a little loss of consciousness is always light relief!

Oh yes...and I give thanks for finding out how to remove the date stamp on the camera...

Well toned

Mmm... I give thanks for acupuncture and a gong bath in the same week! If I could maintain this level of therapeutic intervention I reckon even my Damoclesian existence could seem quite passable, even pleasant at times! Unfortunately neither my bank balance nor the therapists could stand it though. Oh well...

My knees have been complaining about all the trotting around lately but I give thanks for hushing them up with elastic bandages and Actipatches, arnica gel and paracetamol to go out for a little excursion with Mima today including walking (for me) a quite remarkable distance. I give thanks for successful self bribery with the thought of a fish lunch to share from my favourite fryer at our destination... and for our estimating the timing well so we could check out a charity shop before it closed while waiting for the chip shop to open.

I give thanks for sunny weather and good company, a train to take us back to the car and, after a bit more walking to get tea and cake, feeling quite justified in being remarkably idle since returning home...

Oh and I give thanks for spotting a smart car in the spot next to us...wonder what sort of music they like to play?

Ultra sound

Well, I won't start the alcoholism this week as I've blown the entertainment budget on an evening lying down in a darkened room with a bunch of strangers. That is to say I went to the late gong session instead! It's a bit of an effort getting myself motivated to go out in the evening on my own, especially to the next town as public transport becomes a little sparse, but Sally the gong lady had offered me a lift back afterwards and as they drive the same way as the bus and could drop me by the stop down the road I didn't feel I was being too inconvenient accepting...and of course I didn't have to walk from the venue to the first bus stop either, so I gave great thanks for that! Actually it was her other half who, after packing away the gongs, drove me in one of those nice new minis I rather covet so I give thanks for that too... I give thanks for people who have plenty of back up and support in their lives... especially, selfishly, when they can spare a bit for me now and then, of course.

I give thanks I get the news I need on the... Cambridge Buddhist Society thought for the day!  This time it was Schrodinger's 'Every man’s world picture is and always remains a construct of his mind and cannot be proved to have any other existence...' which I found particularly pleasing.

I give thanks for BT assuring me the letter saying it was all a mistake...was a mistake...

I give thanks for a busy afternoon defying medical science and doing lots of plodding round town with a heavy shopping bag interspersed with visits to the doc's, the library, Mima's (just in time for lunch!) and the Revive meeting (just in time for a mug of tea and a piece of cake to take home!)

I give thanks all the walking about cancels out the calories so I've only a little bum and could squeeze into a tiny space on the bus stop seat for a very long wait while the bus made it's way through roads clogged with cars...and for enjoying some people watching and some pleasant conversation with some other patient travellers. For getting home for what seemed like the tail end of a lot of shouting and swearing and banging around upstairs...one can but hope. I give thanks for earplugs at the ready in case this gratitude and optimism is premature, as I'd like to relax at last and get to enjoy the aftermath of the wonderful effects of those sounds...

The gong drops

I give thanks for the clear deep blue of the sky yesterday late yesterday evening.

For rummaging in a bag in my yarn stash and finding some pieces of a waistcoat I was trying to make before I got sick all those years ago. I could only afford one hank of some gorgeous wool/silk mix and was eking it out with some double wound cotton 4 ply off a cone, so there's a huge morass of tangled ends and dropped stitches to unravel and re ravel again, but it may be salvageable somehow. Now I've been reminded how beautiful it is it may be worth a try...

I've been feeling very floppy today, not as in weak and wan but as if everything I do is a flop anyway so really not worth the bother. I give thanks for keeping on keeping on in little ways on the way to stopping... For understanding due to the way we measure success there have to be failures, and by failing so resoundingly at so many aspects of life I perform a vital function in the scheme of things, helping lots of others feel better about themselves, their attributes and achievements...But it can seem pretty tough at the bottom, you know, especially when you keep finding out just how low it can go...

I give thanks I had a gong bath booked this afternoon - a small sense of purpose, something to help me maybe feel a bit more resilient than I do. And of course the downside of hope and expectation is...disappointment! I was so gutted when it was cancelled I ended up having a little tear bath instead.

I give thanks for immersing myself in an
old Midsomer Murders for a while with Barnaby
(or was it John Nettles?) exploring his rock/blues soul and having a little jam with a band member character. Real life is overrated if you ask me...I'm considering a second career (or should that be a first?) as an alcoholic to avoid it as much as I can. Wouldn't be expensive with my intolerance to the stuff and failure's kind of in the remit isn't it?

Cause and effect

A winter's day...in a deep and dark er...August? I give thanks I may not have a song in my heart but there's often an appropriate lyric pops up in my head... For bursting into a spirited rendition of Don't Think Twice the other morning, though not at break of dawn for which I'm sure the neighbours were very grateful!

I give thanks for a lovely little programme about cruise liners visiting Orkney. Managed not to suffer from wishing one day it could be be me (even playing the twiddly guitar music in the background.)... but made me cry at the end when they piped the ship away with little girls in costume dancing on the quay and remembering being an even smaller girl watching and wishing the same! For making some flapjacks to cheer myself up...and using less sugar to make them less irresistible. Didn't work but made me feel less guilty at being unable to resist...

For lots of up and down ladders cleaning the tops and fronts of the top cupboards.  I give thanks you probably think this action is a result of optimism that one day someone will be impressed by my sparkling, clean smelling kitchen...actually, honestly, it's more likely caused by boredom!

I give thanks my crochet is coming on nicely...though the pain in my hands is too. I give thanks, as the first photo I took came out way too bright, I've discovered the camera buttons that edit to more realistic hues. Modern technology eh?

No arm in it

I give thanks for being out in some sunshine yesterday as it started rainy today...and I couldn't think of a good reason to go any further than the post box... I really want to be using these last days of freedom well but without spending too many of my last pennies! I have some plans and I just have to keep hanging on to faith and my purse strings and hope that they come true...

As I've a couple of projects at the finishing off stage, I give thanks for Cathy saying yesterday the Friends of the Library are having a craft sale in the autumn to raise funds so could rummage in my stash for some nice yarn to inspire me to start something new and feel a bit useful again. For trying to ration the enthusiasm so I don't end up unable to use my hands for anything else...

I give thanks for Rachel needling me in the nicest way...and letting me let off some emotional steam. I'm not given to a great deal of grumbling but sometimes it's a relief to tell it how it really feels to someone rather than the way they'd prefer to hear, or to believe is true... And I give thanks for hearing her astonishment about my kayaking last week. Rachel is a sailor and has crossed the Channel many times, even the Atlantic, but she regards paddling that river in a stiff breeze, turning tide and summer traffic as both difficult and dangerous...and once found herself unable to move like we did and had to be towed by a rowing team! So Julie, if you're reading this, share the thought we really did do well and the polite people weren't just being polite!

I give thanks for Bob doing what he said he would and finding me a free DAW to check out and see if I can create some music again...

I give thanks for giving the appropriate section of the manual a thorough read and managing to connect my new camera to both my phone and my tablet...and to zoom in so much on an image from yesterday I spotted some nice positioning I completely missed with my naked eye (unsurprisingly - the house through the arch is the other side of the other estuary!) I give thanks there are more bells and whistles than I originally thought and one of the things you can do is take photos remotely with connected devices. This means I can snap a selfie from across the room if I should so choose...and there's no arm in it!