Envious

I give thanks the upside of not being able to eat is you don't have to do any cooking either! For nonetheless achieving my goal today of making a fraction of a pint of delicious vegan jelly...served with equally lush vegan double cream. Of course it didn't stay down but I've given up worrying about that - a bit of pleasure the first time round is worth it!

For the prescriptions Jane the palliative care nurse ordered to ease some symptoms finally appearing my doctor's surgery list and so, hopefully in the pharmacy pipeline now. One of them should cure the superficial but still uncomfortable candida in oesophagus making swallowing even harder. That would be wonderful as life has provided a, lot of lemons lately and I've been craving lemonade... in tiny quantities of course. 

For a snoozy day on the sofa, enjoying the vicarious pleasure of watching couples winning competitions, creating family homes from fixer uppers, or choosing holiday retreats in the sun. I don't envy them and love to imagine their pleasure. ..but when I see someone with a mug of tea, a whole mug of tea to guzzle down, goodness I wish that could be me! 

Wilful

 Where there's a way there's a will. I give thanks for managing to grovel on my hands and knees to retrieve the plastic envelope that had fallen down behind the desk wilfully concealing this important document!

For a very helpful and reassuring lady from the hospice visiting to talk about my present and my future 

For that fabulous wolf moon a couple of nights ago.

For Jude's ice cream and dessert sauces, which have already been a source of delight, and now their fruit and veg rocket lollies my latest craze for (almost) eating. They probably come back up too soon to provide any nutritional benefit but I give thanks for enjoying the delicious flavour on the way down

For naps. I've needed a few today. For heaters and hot water bottles. Bit nippy round here right now, especially noticeable for those seriously lacking personal insulation... 

Past

 Every time I'm in my bathroom being sick I give thanks for the lack of flimsy walls and flooring between me and the other flats. I once lived just plasterboard away from a man who seemed to have bulimia. Wouldn't recommend it!

For a few small jobs done and lots of snoozing this morning, and for Julie's kind and thoughtful help this afternoon with all manner of little chores. For her very uccessful raid on the Co op hunting and gathering for my passing, often pointless, nutritional whims.

I give thanks for thinking maybe some boiled sweets other than Werther's might be of use now eating is so difficult, and finding the local sweet shop here has an amazing selection of trips down taste bud memory lane onFoffer. For Digging For Britain unearthing the more distant past. I love that fascinating programme! 

Alternate

I give thanks I don't feel I have to write my blog every day these days when I'm so tired. I give thanks that I'm still grateful as much as can be though!

For when people help me... And for when I help myself

For a visit from. Laura who I've not seen for  very long time. 

For winter sunshine and the pretty skies as the sun sets. For taking a sit down shower on my bath seat (what a wonderful invention) and for Julie being on hand on the next room in case I needed assistance or rescuing). For not needing any of the above apart from the fetching of a clean nightie. 

For the thump and clang of the heavy plant working on the sea wall destruction/reconstruction. 

Special

 I give thanks for my kind and helpful friends popping in and out to do little jobs that seem huge to me at the moment . Today Mima took away stuff from the freezer I'm not going to eat and made me some egg mayonnaise which I hope I will later

For Peter carrying the bag I take to dialysis to his taxi yesterday and even more so heaving it up the stairs after treatment when it was stuffed with Fortisip from the dietician and pineapple chunks from thoughtful nurse Charlotte. He wheeled me to and fro from car to dialysis waiting room in a wheelchair too which was very welcome as distances seem to have stretched somewhat as well. For Keith collecting my clicked Sainsbury's order and bringing it to flat door For managing to do a few little tasks myself, and for feeling so proud when I do For plenty of snoozing in between, plus catching up with Christmas cooking and sewing specials. For dapper Patrick immaculate in his kilt, and then bopping dressed as a bottle! For catching sight of some pretty sunset clouds. 

Secure

I give thanks that doing a bit and then not doing a lot has got me through the day. For making it to the sofa to watch some TV. For a bath when Julie was here and it felt a safe time to do it. For the warming, soothing water. For Clive fitting the key safe he bought for me yesterday. For the days getting noticeably longer

Valuable

 I give thanks for being home, hard work though it is doing anything other than lying still. For practical assistance from Peter, Julie and Clive last night and from Rachel and Clive today. I've had hot water bottles filled (a surprisingly strenuous task when you're feeble), scrambled eggs made and my hair washed as well as an acupuncture treatment, some work on the new kitchen and lots of encouragement, comfort and general nurturing. I give thanks for the very pleasant feeling of being valued and cared for. 

I 've been giving thanks for my bed and my sofa - well you knew I would didn't you? Not made it to the bath yet...but even my own loo to be sick in is a blessing. For the peacefulness of a wet and dreary winter's day and a no longer broken manhole cover rattling and banging in the road outside. For a coat I bought from a closing down market stall a few years back which was sadly just too big for me happily fitting  Rachel just right. We were both delighted! 

Newsworthy

I was grateful for a good night's sleep last night. Must've been sound - nurse July said she shone her torch in my eyes to check on me! For the thought of her spending her days off making the pickles and curries her daughter has requested to take back to Uni. Apparently she says her mum is the best cook in the world! Isn't that lovely? 

For non-nurse but very comfortingly non motheringly caring Julie delivering and taking away some possessions  and help me make some plans for the next stage of my life which may be somewhat short but which I intend to make as sweet as possible.

For the way staff pat you when they know you've had bad news. For the way some bad news can be also seem quite good if you'll you look at it in the right way. For some news that seems pretty good however I look at it. 

Portable

 I give thanks for jolly porters... For the glimpses of the outside world on the way to and during dialysis... and honestly that's just about it for today. I give thanks I'll refrain from listing all the stuff I've not been grateful for, because I know it doesn't help anyone, and I Because I know I should be 

Useless

 It's easy to feel useless, a waste of time and space. I give thanks for the times when I don't This afternoon I was grateful to have the energy to get up for a bit of a wash and tidy up of my stuff -  a brusque HCA was complaining earlier about all the crap (her word) patients in general keep on their tables and about me in particular for not wanting to get up to leave my bed to have it made until some anti sickness meds had been administered. I was so flushed with my success (literally with yesterday's blood transfusion) I then offered my services to the bed bound lady across the way and found her lost and longed for deodorant. And after flopping back on my bed I let a medical student practice pressing and tapping on my tummy to see what she could feel.

For either the daily experimental adjustment of anti emetics being more successful this time, or just being luckier after struggling with nausea all night. For managing a few sips of tea with a few dunks of shortbread as well as the usual minor dents on plates of meal time food.

Temporal

 I give thanks for folk who give blood

 I give thanks for folk who give blood

 I give thanks for folk who give blood

I give thanks for nurses who give blood to me!

Timing has not been on my side today, in particular timing of ingestion of anti-sickness meds so as to be effective before ingestion of food, and the timing of my dialysis session so that ingestion of either could take place! I give thanks for realising feeling irritated and  niggled by these kinds of things is a sign that I'm getting better.

I give thanks for some glimpses of the outside world and a bag of treats gathered from it by Keith and Jo. 

Did I mention how pleased I am to have had a blood transfusion? 

Personal

I give thanks for lots of sleeping, some of it in the night. For the way the dimmed lights seem like bright sunshine streaming in when you wake in the early morning. 

 For a 'glass' of orange squash at the second time of asking. I'm not normally a squashy person but yesterday's (normally on the bbanned list) orange juice was divine on the taste buds though too acidic for my tummy so this is a compromise. Really not feeling the food here today, and struggling with the unavoidable unappetising smells so I was grateful to Mima for bringing in refreshing tinned fruit, plus laundry done by Julie and some little longed for odds and ends like nail scissors and file.

For Audible reading to me, that's such a comfort. I'm on a mystery set in Iceland at the mo and the place and personal names give me little shivers of delight. 

Sparkling

I give thanks for

Hearing loads of fireworks last night though lack of windows meant I didn't see a single sparkle

Clean skin

Clean hair

Clarisssa finding time to help me shower. The is a desperate staff shortage, they have so much to do and delays attending to non urgent care are commonplace, particularly if you're loath to nag and moan, or believe you're the centre of everyone's universe. 

For being patient and not  nagging and moaning when no one answered my call bell this morning but finally getting the attention I needed by opening my mouth and showing a passing moithered HCA the feeding tube had come adrift and was waggling around on my tongue. I'd been steeling myself to stand my ground and insist it be removed whether for my 'own good' or not, so it was a great relief it did the job itself. Oh joy I have a choice of sleeping positions tonight! 

A clean stoma bag...and being able to deal with that myself! 

For Rachel opening the bottle of San Pellegrino Charlotte brought me last week. And for feeling well enough to want her to.

Tasty food and carefully eating some. As long as they keep on top of the IV anti sickness meds which isn't always possible when they are so stretched. 

Dreaming

 I give thanks for my wondrous dreams, so full of detailed sensual pleasures. It was a shock when I awoke this morning to see the hospital curtain beside the bed instead of the Mediterranean island I was exploring, and the beep of call bells or drip machines instead of the live music I was enjoying at a wooden tabled Ramblas bar. 

For the young housekeeper singing the Everly Brothers' Dream as he swept around my bed. It's one of my all time favourites and we sang a few bars together in harmony. What a treat!

For trying to be understanding and patient when other patients, staff or the faults in the system begin to infuriate me, or when doctors and specialist nurses treat me with excessive delicacy regarding oncological matters, as if I might not have noticed or be in denial about the cancer. For the very vocal and demanding lady across the way who helps me to remember by not naturally being so inclined!

For a few chunks of tinned pineapple Charlotte  brought in going down like  a dream yesterday. I must see if I can get someone to bring a little food box with some more so seconds can be saved in the fridge.

For accepting a nasal feeding tube to try to build me up, and the  irony of going through the horrible process of insertion only to have to wait for hours for them to find a pump to administer the nutrition. See above... 

Weathered

I give thanks for having a little more of an appetite again. Still can't keep the food down but it's nice to enjoy a few mouthfuls first. For the sight and sensation of sunshine through the corridor windows on the way to another department and back. Good to get a break away from the loud sounds and smells of the ward too. 

 For Julie driving through the rain to deliver supplies and clean clothing and take away the smelliest ones to wash. For Charlotte cycling through the rain to bring fizzy water and pineapple. For the bits when I manage to get some sleep between the various kerfuffle going on. There are some rather impatient patients on the ward now. For the nursing staff doing their best, and for my consultant bringing me a photo of the vegan option mushroom Wellington at the Christmas Dinner. Home made pastry too! For the warm feeling of thinking of people having happy family times 

Sad

 I give thanks for kind words and deeds, and poignant memories. For nurse Charlotte from the kidney unit coming to visit me and share her exploits Christmas dipping in the Dart with her other half. She has an endearing way of describing her adventures which makes me feel I was there and not just wishing I had been. For lovely messages from Steph and from Lynn's partner Derek, who I have never met but who had such thoughtful things to say. For my sadness at her passing being ameliorated by the knowledge she was at home with the man she loved and not suffering at the end. Still grieving though...

For lots and lots of sleeping 

Anticipated

 I give thanks for the thought of people waking up anticipating a special day. 

I give thanks for sound of the nursing staff laughing together. For the sound of the wind and rain outside. For the tinkle of the tea trolley like jingle bells. For the thoughtful wrapped gifts of toiletries they gave all the patients, although with my new line I can't shower unless I have a protective cover and they've none of those on the ward. Humph! 

For remarkably good food and drinks on offer although I still can't keep anything down for long. For lots of naps despite the various noises. For a lovely young female doctor and a rather alternative nurse I've met before. We share a passion for fizzy water. God how I'd love some of that to sip right now - the stuff that comes out of hospital is not helping with the nausea at all

Distracted

I've been on my own for loads of Christmases, on my own and ill for quite a few. I've had outpatients treatment on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day but being a patient in hospital over the season is a new experience for me. So grateful it's a ward where I feel relatively at home, and that I had no festive plans! 

For the kindness of the staff in trying to accommodate the seasonal 

emotional needs of poorly people with partners and loved ones...along with Covid compliant precautions. One lady is being moved to a side room so her adult children  and disabled husband can all visit at once. I have to make do with some joking with the consultant on her rounds but that's still welcome. I give thanks for the no nonsense but gentle way she breaks bad mews, and for her passing on the message that the renal unit team have been ringing to wish me well. I give thanks on the whole the workers seem to have been having an enjoyable day, exchanging gifts and so on, even if sometimes this means their jolly makes them rather rowdy and distracted!

For a mid-line averting a crisis when even the vascular wizards failed to get a cannula into my elfin veins. 

Hospialised

Several people have remarked I must have been ill to agree to being admitted, so I actually give thanks I was so unwell at the time an ambulance was the only way I could leave the building, and getting to that was challenge enough. I give thanks for feeling better for IV anti emetics, glucose and saline though the usual numerous failed attempts at inserting cannula ae? are so painful.

I give thanks after a very diaturbed night on AMU including 

 snoring I've be never heard the ike of - more like walruses than the ubiquitous little old lady - I've been moved to one of the renal wards I've been on before where I know severeal of the staff and vice versa which helps, along with my own night and wash things very kindly delivered by Jo, Keith and Michelle. For a gastrocopy booked for tomorrow and we'll take it from there. I have optimistically filled in the special menu sheets for the next few days as the renal consultant says if my throat is mended my potassium is so low I can have all the naughty stuff on offer. 

Turning

I give thanks for Sandra in the endoscopy appointments office. She has been so helpful and accommodating of the complications of my particular circumstances and we finally came up with a plan B for my procedure to take place next Thursday afternoon. I give thanks for Julie who gave the thumbs up to collecting me afterwards as I expect I'll feel a little (more) battle weary. For her coming this afternoon popping to the shops, doing some domestic chores and cheering me up with our usual rambling chatter during which she realised she could also take me to the appointment too as her work day ends in time. Oh you don't want to be hanging round I said... Oh I don't know she replied, I can always go to Waitrose. Fair enough! It's always much nicer being with a friend isn't it?

I give thanks for almost finishing clearing out the festering food in the fridge. It's quite a battle convincing myself throwing it way is unavoidable at the moment and I shouldn't feel guilty. I'm very grateful we have a kerbside food waste collection and that it's put to good use anyway.

I give thanks I have been given some Christmas presents. I've been a bit lax this year (once again I think I'm excused but I'm so grateful I managed to give a few as well. For Julie being able to raid my mosaic stash box for some last minute gifts too - unless she keeps them lol. No greater praise than that really is there? I love it when people appreciate my work.

I give thanks it's the Winter Solstice and for the turning of the year. For remembering clapping in corners and resolving to do some soon, maybe after turning over for a quick pre bedtime nap!