Faith, hope...and something

I give thanks though I'm struggling with faith and hope at the moment I still endeavour to engender charity. For years I've tried to apply the theory that if someone doesn't treat others well they're probably hurting themselves in some way, but I've gradually extended my scope of understanding to accept they might also be somewhere on the autistic spectrum and have difficulty grasping how other people's feelings may be affected by their words/deeds (or lack of), or they could be a high scorer on Hare's checklist of psychopathic tendencies and have difficulty grasping how other people's feelings are of any consequence at all (apart from how they can be manipulated for gain) or they might have such a low opinion of the person they're being unkind to that they actually think their behaviour is justified. These folk too are worthy of compassionate thought, though obviously if you're on the receiving end in the latter two cases this should be done in an abstract way from as far away as possible! Forget what your own faith may tell you - cheeks are not for turning!

I'm human and still have feet of clay. I don't always have altruistic thoughts about less than altruistic folk...but I give thanks I try to remind myself not to actively wish them harm. A couple of  women were talking about voodoo dolls the other day (in a charity shop!), and one was just saying she'd made them and they work, when I felt compelled to interrupt and ask if they worked the other way if you did nice things to them instead, stroked them or brought them little bunches of flowers, or something? Apart from my lack of social graces in butting in, the women clearly thought it was a strange notion to have remote good intentions but I don't see why it has to be, I mean people who pray pray for people don't they, and people who don't might do metta or send kind thoughts...why shouldn't you make an effigy to make someone feel good not suffer? Oh, well rhetorical question I guess...

I give thanks for the glory of  moonlight silvering the sea last night. For discovering the reviews were true that sad this camera's not good in low light...but you get the idea anyway. For discovering how easy it is to whip up a little hot toffee sauce - all those years of watching CDWM paying off at last!

I give thanks for no scary phone calls from doctors today, and a chat about scary futures with Linda. For Jenny giving me a lift to the library so I could bring a bag of food bank donations with me, and that one of the books she was about to return was one I wanted to borrow. For feeling quite sprightly after such an easy start to the afternoon and grabbing some end of the day bargains and a packet of yummy Abernethy biscuits to lug up the hill after finishing up the in town chores. I give thanks for the man on the till in the supermarket undoing my folded up in a bag shopping bag and loading my groceries while I fumbled with my purse. Every little helps and it wasn't even Tesco!

Oh wow is me

Well I was feeling a bit sad and lonesome last night so I gave thanks that I was on my own as you can feel that way in company and that really is the pits! I figured another advantage was that I could leave the washing up and whatever to have an early bath and bury my head in bed with a book...and, being quite tired, was being quite grateful for that... when I went into the bedroom and went 'Oh wow!' at the pale moon rising through the pastel tinted swathes of cloud...and then a skein of geese flew by and I was oh wowing all over again and thought to give thanks again that I was on my own as if I'd been doing something sociable I'd probably not have been gazing wistfully out of windows at all, would I? And come to think of it, if I'd have been living somewhere suitable I wouldn't have seen these scenes anyway.. So, yep, plenty to be thankful for in a convoluted kind of way.

Um... today? Watching the day and the summer, and so many other things slip away and trying not to be too regretful, or regret it too much when I was. For doing my Shiatsu, and having a meditate and crocheting away at whatever it is I'm making for the craft sale until my arms got sore...

I give thanks for realising my morning toast had been made with mouldy bread before I put it in my mouth. I give thanks for making and making disappear a big bowl of one of my favourite comfort meals (of those still allowed) - wholemeal pasta with button mushrooms and leeks in a pesto and cream cheese sauce. Actually this time it was Boursin cream cheese with garlic and herbs so even better! For drifting off into a little post prandial doze... Sometimes it seems I can barely bear all the many sorts of loss I'm feeling now, but a little loss of consciousness is always light relief!

Oh yes...and I give thanks for finding out how to remove the date stamp on the camera...

Well toned

Mmm... I give thanks for acupuncture and a gong bath in the same week! If I could maintain this level of therapeutic intervention I reckon even my Damoclesian existence could seem quite passable, even pleasant at times! Unfortunately neither my bank balance nor the therapists could stand it though. Oh well...

My knees have been complaining about all the trotting around lately but I give thanks for hushing them up with elastic bandages and Actipatches, arnica gel and paracetamol to go out for a little excursion with Mima today including walking (for me) a quite remarkable distance. I give thanks for successful self bribery with the thought of a fish lunch to share from my favourite fryer at our destination... and for our estimating the timing well so we could check out a charity shop before it closed while waiting for the chip shop to open.

I give thanks for sunny weather and good company, a train to take us back to the car and, after a bit more walking to get tea and cake, feeling quite justified in being remarkably idle since returning home...

Oh and I give thanks for spotting a smart car in the spot next to us...wonder what sort of music they like to play?

Ultra sound

Well, I won't start the alcoholism this week as I've blown the entertainment budget on an evening lying down in a darkened room with a bunch of strangers. That is to say I went to the late gong session instead! It's a bit of an effort getting myself motivated to go out in the evening on my own, especially to the next town as public transport becomes a little sparse, but Sally the gong lady had offered me a lift back afterwards and as they drive the same way as the bus and could drop me by the stop down the road I didn't feel I was being too inconvenient accepting...and of course I didn't have to walk from the venue to the first bus stop either, so I gave great thanks for that! Actually it was her other half who, after packing away the gongs, drove me in one of those nice new minis I rather covet so I give thanks for that too... I give thanks for people who have plenty of back up and support in their lives... especially, selfishly, when they can spare a bit for me now and then, of course.

I give thanks I get the news I need on the... Cambridge Buddhist Society thought for the day!  This time it was Schrodinger's 'Every man’s world picture is and always remains a construct of his mind and cannot be proved to have any other existence...' which I found particularly pleasing.

I give thanks for BT assuring me the letter saying it was all a mistake...was a mistake...

I give thanks for a busy afternoon defying medical science and doing lots of plodding round town with a heavy shopping bag interspersed with visits to the doc's, the library, Mima's (just in time for lunch!) and the Revive meeting (just in time for a mug of tea and a piece of cake to take home!)

I give thanks all the walking about cancels out the calories so I've only a little bum and could squeeze into a tiny space on the bus stop seat for a very long wait while the bus made it's way through roads clogged with cars...and for enjoying some people watching and some pleasant conversation with some other patient travellers. For getting home for what seemed like the tail end of a lot of shouting and swearing and banging around upstairs...one can but hope. I give thanks for earplugs at the ready in case this gratitude and optimism is premature, as I'd like to relax at last and get to enjoy the aftermath of the wonderful effects of those sounds...

The gong drops

I give thanks for the clear deep blue of the sky yesterday late yesterday evening.

For rummaging in a bag in my yarn stash and finding some pieces of a waistcoat I was trying to make before I got sick all those years ago. I could only afford one hank of some gorgeous wool/silk mix and was eking it out with some double wound cotton 4 ply off a cone, so there's a huge morass of tangled ends and dropped stitches to unravel and re ravel again, but it may be salvageable somehow. Now I've been reminded how beautiful it is it may be worth a try...

I've been feeling very floppy today, not as in weak and wan but as if everything I do is a flop anyway so really not worth the bother. I give thanks for keeping on keeping on in little ways on the way to stopping... For understanding due to the way we measure success there have to be failures, and by failing so resoundingly at so many aspects of life I perform a vital function in the scheme of things, helping lots of others feel better about themselves, their attributes and achievements...But it can seem pretty tough at the bottom, you know, especially when you keep finding out just how low it can go...

I give thanks I had a gong bath booked this afternoon - a small sense of purpose, something to help me maybe feel a bit more resilient than I do. And of course the downside of hope and expectation is...disappointment! I was so gutted when it was cancelled I ended up having a little tear bath instead.

I give thanks for immersing myself in an
old Midsomer Murders for a while with Barnaby
(or was it John Nettles?) exploring his rock/blues soul and having a little jam with a band member character. Real life is overrated if you ask me...I'm considering a second career (or should that be a first?) as an alcoholic to avoid it as much as I can. Wouldn't be expensive with my intolerance to the stuff and failure's kind of in the remit isn't it?

Cause and effect

A winter's day...in a deep and dark er...August? I give thanks I may not have a song in my heart but there's often an appropriate lyric pops up in my head... For bursting into a spirited rendition of Don't Think Twice the other morning, though not at break of dawn for which I'm sure the neighbours were very grateful!

I give thanks for a lovely little programme about cruise liners visiting Orkney. Managed not to suffer from wishing one day it could be be me (even playing the twiddly guitar music in the background.)... but made me cry at the end when they piped the ship away with little girls in costume dancing on the quay and remembering being an even smaller girl watching and wishing the same! For making some flapjacks to cheer myself up...and using less sugar to make them less irresistible. Didn't work but made me feel less guilty at being unable to resist...

For lots of up and down ladders cleaning the tops and fronts of the top cupboards.  I give thanks you probably think this action is a result of optimism that one day someone will be impressed by my sparkling, clean smelling kitchen...actually, honestly, it's more likely caused by boredom!

I give thanks my crochet is coming on nicely...though the pain in my hands is too. I give thanks, as the first photo I took came out way too bright, I've discovered the camera buttons that edit to more realistic hues. Modern technology eh?

No arm in it

I give thanks for being out in some sunshine yesterday as it started rainy today...and I couldn't think of a good reason to go any further than the post box... I really want to be using these last days of freedom well but without spending too many of my last pennies! I have some plans and I just have to keep hanging on to faith and my purse strings and hope that they come true...

As I've a couple of projects at the finishing off stage, I give thanks for Cathy saying yesterday the Friends of the Library are having a craft sale in the autumn to raise funds so could rummage in my stash for some nice yarn to inspire me to start something new and feel a bit useful again. For trying to ration the enthusiasm so I don't end up unable to use my hands for anything else...

I give thanks for Rachel needling me in the nicest way...and letting me let off some emotional steam. I'm not given to a great deal of grumbling but sometimes it's a relief to tell it how it really feels to someone rather than the way they'd prefer to hear, or to believe is true... And I give thanks for hearing her astonishment about my kayaking last week. Rachel is a sailor and has crossed the Channel many times, even the Atlantic, but she regards paddling that river in a stiff breeze, turning tide and summer traffic as both difficult and dangerous...and once found herself unable to move like we did and had to be towed by a rowing team! So Julie, if you're reading this, share the thought we really did do well and the polite people weren't just being polite!

I give thanks for Bob doing what he said he would and finding me a free DAW to check out and see if I can create some music again...

I give thanks for giving the appropriate section of the manual a thorough read and managing to connect my new camera to both my phone and my tablet...and to zoom in so much on an image from yesterday I spotted some nice positioning I completely missed with my naked eye (unsurprisingly - the house through the arch is the other side of the other estuary!) I give thanks there are more bells and whistles than I originally thought and one of the things you can do is take photos remotely with connected devices. This means I can snap a selfie from across the room if I should so choose...and there's no arm in it!