Phew! So tired and sore....not even sure I can get the clothes out of the washing machine and on the the rack to dry...tho clearly they won't dry if I don't I give thanks to Laura for finishing painting the ceiling and frieze and helping me clear up and put things back afterwards. I'm grateful that I did a bit of paint and wallpaper stripping while she was here as it's a nice feeling to be working with someone else even though so slow and groany and ineffectual myself. I give thanks that she and her daughters might like the bits of jewelry I put in a box for them to look though and my 'literary award' dress might find a new home! Most of what I sort out will go to the hospice shop but I'd love it if someone I've met could enjoy wearing some trinkets that I have enjoyed...
I give thanks for the messages some of you have sent and apologise I've not been so chatty in return but not up to it just now. Especially thanks to Pat who is still sorting out her technical difficulties but sent me a little email, bless her!
I express great gratitude that I have that I have nothing nice planned for this weekend as am not sure I'd have the energy, likewise for having no visitors to be hospitable to. Strange but true...it's all for the best really! I hope you all have a splendid weekend but, do me a favour, don't tell me doing what please! A few times just lately I've felt quite jealous and sad when I've been reminded of all the trips and treats and invitations and joining in and belongnesses that I've never known and never will and I don't like feeling like that because I want you all to be having a lovely time and for me not to be miserable, so, you know, if possible try not to tell me til I've got the hang of rising above this petty silliness, please!
Friday, 30 September 2011
Follow ups
Good morning Vietnam...and Suriname! I bet Lynn's straight off to Google maps, ha ha! I understand what you meant about visualising where people are and will try to find your work place later as I've already visited the harbour nearby. Juanita I was in Townsville just yesterday couretsy of Mr B...and Carole I understand you meant your comment well so I have 'published' it. I concur that people are being selfish but then so am I if I want them to be here when they don't, that's why I don't ask. I may not be able to travel far but I refuse to go down the 'you'll miss me when I'm gone' route even though I suspect, even though they may not, they are probably going to feel bad about the way they've been at some point down the line.
An old school friend of mine had breast cancer. We'd kept in erratic touch for years and I went to stay with her and her family for the first time after she'd recovered. She had done well for herself you might say, and as soon as a lump was found went straight off to the top man in Harley Street and even had her chemo in his private clinic with Ian Dury! Her husband had an excellent job and she could give up hers for as long as she liked and still pay for her three kids' private education and for someone else to do the chores long after she was well and strong. The thing is she wanted to talk about her illness more than I wanted to listen and, although I forgive myself totally for this as even now that I probably have far more idea of the things she might have in her head I still think there are more rewarding things to dwell on. But I still wish I'd had more compassion and wonder whether my attitide conributed to her chilliness after I left and our losing touch for good (or whether it was another of my many social incapacities!) I'm sorry Evadne, wherever you may be.
Anyway, I give thanks that I saw the sun come up over the trees (more of that later perhaps) and that Heidi had a happy birthday yesterday and to campaigning Carol for her rant on my behalf because of its good intentions and that I'm managing very slowly to get things out of the living room to make room for Laura to finish painting the ceiling.
An old school friend of mine had breast cancer. We'd kept in erratic touch for years and I went to stay with her and her family for the first time after she'd recovered. She had done well for herself you might say, and as soon as a lump was found went straight off to the top man in Harley Street and even had her chemo in his private clinic with Ian Dury! Her husband had an excellent job and she could give up hers for as long as she liked and still pay for her three kids' private education and for someone else to do the chores long after she was well and strong. The thing is she wanted to talk about her illness more than I wanted to listen and, although I forgive myself totally for this as even now that I probably have far more idea of the things she might have in her head I still think there are more rewarding things to dwell on. But I still wish I'd had more compassion and wonder whether my attitide conributed to her chilliness after I left and our losing touch for good (or whether it was another of my many social incapacities!) I'm sorry Evadne, wherever you may be.
Anyway, I give thanks that I saw the sun come up over the trees (more of that later perhaps) and that Heidi had a happy birthday yesterday and to campaigning Carol for her rant on my behalf because of its good intentions and that I'm managing very slowly to get things out of the living room to make room for Laura to finish painting the ceiling.
Thursday, 29 September 2011
I don't believe it!!!
Just been checking today's stats and stuff and ridiculously delighted...
Does someone know someone on holiday there and sent them a link to my blog to fulfil a random bucket list dream, maybe? Just chance? Or did I ask the cosmos for just the right thing in just the right way? Who knows, but in case I die in the night or for some other reason don't get a chance to do it properly tomorrow...Good Evening, Vietnam!
Does someone know someone on holiday there and sent them a link to my blog to fulfil a random bucket list dream, maybe? Just chance? Or did I ask the cosmos for just the right thing in just the right way? Who knows, but in case I die in the night or for some other reason don't get a chance to do it properly tomorrow...Good Evening, Vietnam!
Oceans
Decided to give the woody uphill path a miss as extra walking involved anyway to get to the sand and extra things to carry. A picture doesn't do the fragrance of it justice... a delicious piney, cedary, resiny smell.
Honestly, look what you people are missing out on not visiting me! You wouldn't even have to sit close by my side...there's loads of space and sand to share, ha ha! I give oceans full of gratitude that I'm ending my days in such a pretty, laid back place. I give thanks for watching dogs playing together and people walking out way beyond the pier into the sea on the narrow sand bank the ebbing tide reveals. I've done that and it's fun and from a distance it looks like you're walking on the water!
When I got home there was a message to book a neurology appointment next week with the Professor I saw a few years ago so that's progress, I also heard from someone I'd contacted about lack of an oncologist's support and he's given me the number of the one who has taken over the caseload of mine who it turns out is off sick. He said he would mention my name and circumstances to her...progress also! Gratitude for these items of news and for some friendly pleasant phone conversations with people I've met in more vigorous days to make necessary arrangements. Thank you Harry, Robert and Tina for making difficult times a little easier...
I give thanks I've caught up with essential things like washing and washing up abandoned earlier on and had some Covent Garden soup to have for my tea. Taking it very easy this evening...mindless TV drifting into bedtime all I have in mind.
PS. Notice there's been no comments for a while...don't have to be, I know...but Lynn says she's been having problems. If anyone else has can you leave a comment letting me know, ha ha! Seriously though are there error messages or what? I'm going to see if I can though that might not tell me much about what happened to you. Maybe it was your work PC telling you you should be!
Confidence trick
I'm still here, trundling along ever more slowly and inefficiently. The entropy of all areas of my life at this stage is rather distressing and in some ways the glorious weather makes it worse. I'm not sure if I feel well enough even to enjoy the beach, even if I got a cab there and back, because I'd just want to doze off and that feels uncomfortable in public with strangers all around. Maybe I should go on Facebook eh and ask if someone would come with me? Yeah, yeah...been there, done that, felt awful when it failed....
There's gratitude in here somewhere I'm sure...I'm grateful for um...I'm grateful for my pretty views, for the ancient trees and shrubs in the communal gardens some of them almost as old as the terrace - a hundred and fifty years or so! I was talking to a man who used to garden here yesterday and he was telling me the history of the place such as us known, there's always some conjecture. It used to be a highly regarded self contained residential community with it's own water supply and kitchen gardens. It's still a lovely place to live in many ways though chopped up and diminished. I don't even mind the stairs in theory though in practice now they're tough now of course. I wish the sound proofing was better and/or my neighbour upstairs kept more regular hours and I'd like the front windows extended to floor level and juliet balconies made outside so pots of fresh herbs and myself could bask in relative privacy. There now, there's something to be
grateful for...dreams! I'm grateful also, that in the wee small hours listening to aforementioned woman and gentleman friend playing with her cat (partly as it reads, partly euphemism!) I thought of a plan (I'm trying to think what letter we're on....G?) to try to see a specialist about my recent health problems...
I'm grateful I'm still well enough even to contemplate going outdoors. I'm grateful I can wear a pretty dress I bought last time I went away over night at beginning of June...knowing it wouldn't be needed much but loving the colours of the silk fabric and multitude of sins styling and the kindly (and tactful!) ways of the shop keeper in the friendly town of Brixham. I'm grateful I can paint my nails (and probably a lot of my toes - I haven't tried lately!) and put sandals on because I love fresh air on my skin. I'm grateful for not being on a water meter (can't separate the systems - they tried) so I can have as many showers as I want...
The trick now of course is to stop writing my blog and actually do something... have a nice day folks!
There's gratitude in here somewhere I'm sure...I'm grateful for um...I'm grateful for my pretty views, for the ancient trees and shrubs in the communal gardens some of them almost as old as the terrace - a hundred and fifty years or so! I was talking to a man who used to garden here yesterday and he was telling me the history of the place such as us known, there's always some conjecture. It used to be a highly regarded self contained residential community with it's own water supply and kitchen gardens. It's still a lovely place to live in many ways though chopped up and diminished. I don't even mind the stairs in theory though in practice now they're tough now of course. I wish the sound proofing was better and/or my neighbour upstairs kept more regular hours and I'd like the front windows extended to floor level and juliet balconies made outside so pots of fresh herbs and myself could bask in relative privacy. There now, there's something to be
grateful for...dreams! I'm grateful also, that in the wee small hours listening to aforementioned woman and gentleman friend playing with her cat (partly as it reads, partly euphemism!) I thought of a plan (I'm trying to think what letter we're on....G?) to try to see a specialist about my recent health problems...
I'm grateful I'm still well enough even to contemplate going outdoors. I'm grateful I can wear a pretty dress I bought last time I went away over night at beginning of June...knowing it wouldn't be needed much but loving the colours of the silk fabric and multitude of sins styling and the kindly (and tactful!) ways of the shop keeper in the friendly town of Brixham. I'm grateful I can paint my nails (and probably a lot of my toes - I haven't tried lately!) and put sandals on because I love fresh air on my skin. I'm grateful for not being on a water meter (can't separate the systems - they tried) so I can have as many showers as I want...
The trick now of course is to stop writing my blog and actually do something... have a nice day folks!
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
Four corners
OK, yes, now we really are getting a bit of heatwave! Windows wide open, gloriously warm. The garden birds were in stunned silence to begin with but now they're whistling summer tunes to one another. I did a couple of rounds of Saluting the Sun in my head and then another ritual on my knees...removing a square metre of wallpaper layers from a corner of wall! That may be it for the day though if I could get some brunch and a small rocket inside me the afternoon may involve the communal gardens, a folding chair and a book. If not, maybe I’ll put shorts on and a towel on the carpet and lie down pretending I’m on the beach!
The joy of being here now not withstanding I express much gratitude for writers who take you to other places with their words, and seem to find joy in little incidents and encounters as much, if not more, as guide book 'must sees' which may be overrated and are often overrun! I was on a Venice water bus once marvelling at everything around including a couple on the seat behind going through a list of the sights there they'd 'done' and those they had yet to fit in. NOT my idea of the best way to travel...I'm still in Australia with Mr Bryson just now and we haven't argued about the itinerary once!
I give thanks for all the different sorts of people who have found and read my blog and from so many places as well. My 'audience' yesterday evening included readers from the USA, Russia, Argentina and Australia....lighting up the useful, albeit inaccurate, oblong map we use to represent the world in all four corners. I liked that...I like a bit of symmetry. I’d also like to say hello to France, and Italy and the Netherlands and South Africa if anyone of those who have come from there come back.
I give gratitude once again for the BBC’s wonderful Day in Pictures series on their website. Wherever you are from it helps you to remember that even on this little planet there are many other ways of being. 21st, 26th and 27th September’s collections I found especially moving and inspiring. I hope you do too if you decide to look...
I give thanks for a text chat with Clive...it's such a special treat to have contact with someone who knew me before my illness, who met some of the other sorts of me there were. I give thanks to Juanita for her email which I will reply to soon and I give thanks for ‘real’ peanut butter, I think the thought of that might just get me into the kitchen again!
The joy of being here now not withstanding I express much gratitude for writers who take you to other places with their words, and seem to find joy in little incidents and encounters as much, if not more, as guide book 'must sees' which may be overrated and are often overrun! I was on a Venice water bus once marvelling at everything around including a couple on the seat behind going through a list of the sights there they'd 'done' and those they had yet to fit in. NOT my idea of the best way to travel...I'm still in Australia with Mr Bryson just now and we haven't argued about the itinerary once!
I give thanks for all the different sorts of people who have found and read my blog and from so many places as well. My 'audience' yesterday evening included readers from the USA, Russia, Argentina and Australia....lighting up the useful, albeit inaccurate, oblong map we use to represent the world in all four corners. I liked that...I like a bit of symmetry. I’d also like to say hello to France, and Italy and the Netherlands and South Africa if anyone of those who have come from there come back.
I give gratitude once again for the BBC’s wonderful Day in Pictures series on their website. Wherever you are from it helps you to remember that even on this little planet there are many other ways of being. 21st, 26th and 27th September’s collections I found especially moving and inspiring. I hope you do too if you decide to look...
I give thanks for a text chat with Clive...it's such a special treat to have contact with someone who knew me before my illness, who met some of the other sorts of me there were. I give thanks to Juanita for her email which I will reply to soon and I give thanks for ‘real’ peanut butter, I think the thought of that might just get me into the kitchen again!
Here comes the sun
It's been up for a while now, and beginning to disperse the mist. My windows were still too fogged up to see out of at first and I had to swing them open to look. The sun had not long cleared the trees in the communal gardens and the rays seemed to hit me horizontally...and surprisingly warm! I can see the little town across the river now, and the sea though still veiled and soft focussed. I am so happy I live somewhere I can experience and appreciate these wonderful things even when I can't physically be outside.
After the acupuncture, a short walk and a big meal I slept well...from about 8 pm on the sofa! And then after a shower and move to bed I slept a lot more! Less pain and didn't need to take anything for it. I think for now the antibiotics are working...great!
It's dawned on me (unintentional pun) that some of you don't know what 'metta' means...hmm, can I explain? It's the mindful practice of compassion, warmth and well being to all sentient beings. I'm not a 'proper' practicing Buddhist but it's not necessary to give it a go and practice makes perfect eh? You're supposed to direct this loving kindness in stages...to yourself, to those close to you, to those you don't know and even to those you don't like but I tend to forget the first part and have to go back and start again, ha ha! It's a good feeling anyway...highly recommended for calming the mind before sleep, in physical distress or cross with people who don't seem to practice it themselves, ha ha!
After the acupuncture, a short walk and a big meal I slept well...from about 8 pm on the sofa! And then after a shower and move to bed I slept a lot more! Less pain and didn't need to take anything for it. I think for now the antibiotics are working...great!
It's dawned on me (unintentional pun) that some of you don't know what 'metta' means...hmm, can I explain? It's the mindful practice of compassion, warmth and well being to all sentient beings. I'm not a 'proper' practicing Buddhist but it's not necessary to give it a go and practice makes perfect eh? You're supposed to direct this loving kindness in stages...to yourself, to those close to you, to those you don't know and even to those you don't like but I tend to forget the first part and have to go back and start again, ha ha! It's a good feeling anyway...highly recommended for calming the mind before sleep, in physical distress or cross with people who don't seem to practice it themselves, ha ha!
Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Hot stuff
Wow...now that is foggy! Even the trees across the gardens are disappearing now...
This evening I give thanks that yes, I had a visit from a male community nurse and we had a good natter and laugh...maybe for the last time as he's leaving soon. And when he'd gone I had time/energy to do one more thing before getting ready to go for my acupuncture and the thing I chose was making cauliflower cheese. It's in the oven now and I am very grateful for my forethought!
It was lovely to talk to Rachel, especially about the ten day meditation retreat she's been on. She gave me a good treatment and made me a mug of tea which is not traditional chinese practice but delightfully nurturing! Thanks for that, and a wander around the town together as her next appointment was free. We ate fresh peas on the seafront and watched the mist roll in. Extreme gratitude for a little while of being like a normal person chatting to a friend. Thanks too to Beccy in the shop below the treatment rooms for making my pre-treatment wait so pleasant. I've talked to three real live human beings today. Oh my, how good is that? Very!
It's quite chilly this evening with the fog and dampness...I've put the TV and the heater on (Thanks for both of those) and now I fancy something savoury and warming to eat. Cauliflower cheese would be delicious...how lucky I am there's some ready and waiting for me!
This evening I give thanks that yes, I had a visit from a male community nurse and we had a good natter and laugh...maybe for the last time as he's leaving soon. And when he'd gone I had time/energy to do one more thing before getting ready to go for my acupuncture and the thing I chose was making cauliflower cheese. It's in the oven now and I am very grateful for my forethought!
It was lovely to talk to Rachel, especially about the ten day meditation retreat she's been on. She gave me a good treatment and made me a mug of tea which is not traditional chinese practice but delightfully nurturing! Thanks for that, and a wander around the town together as her next appointment was free. We ate fresh peas on the seafront and watched the mist roll in. Extreme gratitude for a little while of being like a normal person chatting to a friend. Thanks too to Beccy in the shop below the treatment rooms for making my pre-treatment wait so pleasant. I've talked to three real live human beings today. Oh my, how good is that? Very!
It's quite chilly this evening with the fog and dampness...I've put the TV and the heater on (Thanks for both of those) and now I fancy something savoury and warming to eat. Cauliflower cheese would be delicious...how lucky I am there's some ready and waiting for me!
Agenda specific
Tuesdays I have to get up at a 'respectable' hour to await the nurses' visit. There are several on the team and you never know who you'll get or what time they'll come and there are some I enjoy more than others, which no doubt is how they feel about their patients too! At least the regulars understand there's no need to speak especially LOUDLY, s-l-o-w-l-y and clearly to me as, demented though I may be, and currently troubled by ear infections, I'm not deaf or suffering from dementia yet and enquiries about the state of my bowels are likely to be met by enquiries as to the state of theirs! On the whole I like the male nurses best, they seem less inclined to the kind of social grooming chit chat I'm so bad at, they tell me funny stories and listen to mine. Some weeks these are the only conversations I have so it's better if they are fun! I would like to express gratitude for the whole team of course who attend to maintenance matters I cannot...but special thanks to those who leave me with a fresh smile as well as a fresh dressing.
For some years most of my (apparently) closest friends were men partly because I liked who they were were as individuals of course, and partly because on the whole they didn't seem to mind if I didn't want to talk about hairdressers or handbags or celebrities or shoes. I've nothing against adornment you understand, I think it's fine and dandy (pun intended) it's just I like to get adorned and then talk about something else! In the last year or two I've been lucky enough to meet one or two other women who are similarly conversationally challenged... it's been a great relief. I also discussed the matter with a gay female ex-colleague with an interest in sociological and linguistic issues and we decided that the aforementioned topics were not gender specific but agenda specific. Wit and wisdom eh? It is possible to combine the two, but maybe not with nail extensions! See, I can do bitchy, just not girly, ha ha!
I give gratitude that I'm up anyway, and have been watching the swirling mist in between typing bits of this. I'm grateful that I've managed to coax the corner of the carpet I lifted for skirting board lifting back under the living room door.
Aah, the phone's just rung...a nurse is on their way...I was wondering now we've sort of located Pat, has anyone heard from Kentmum Debbie?
For some years most of my (apparently) closest friends were men partly because I liked who they were were as individuals of course, and partly because on the whole they didn't seem to mind if I didn't want to talk about hairdressers or handbags or celebrities or shoes. I've nothing against adornment you understand, I think it's fine and dandy (pun intended) it's just I like to get adorned and then talk about something else! In the last year or two I've been lucky enough to meet one or two other women who are similarly conversationally challenged... it's been a great relief. I also discussed the matter with a gay female ex-colleague with an interest in sociological and linguistic issues and we decided that the aforementioned topics were not gender specific but agenda specific. Wit and wisdom eh? It is possible to combine the two, but maybe not with nail extensions! See, I can do bitchy, just not girly, ha ha!
I give gratitude that I'm up anyway, and have been watching the swirling mist in between typing bits of this. I'm grateful that I've managed to coax the corner of the carpet I lifted for skirting board lifting back under the living room door.
Aah, the phone's just rung...a nurse is on their way...I was wondering now we've sort of located Pat, has anyone heard from Kentmum Debbie?
Monday, 26 September 2011
Metta's Better
Pleased to report I'm feeling more mellow again after letting off that steam. What is, is...and I've been practising my metta and feel better. I hope the people I thought less than loving thoughts about feel better too. May they be well, may they be happy, may they be at peace...
I'm grateful for less pain this afternoon and this evening so far. Could it be the change of medication? Fingers crossed, eh?
I'm grateful I got a first coat of top coat on couple of metres of woodwork I've been prepping the last couple of weeks. I'm not dextrous enough to do finishing top coat. Heck, I'm not dextrous enough to do a base coat some might say but like myself it looks better in soft light and soft focus!
I'm grateful that sun drenched heatwave hasn't hit us full on here (yet?) to make me miserable I can't enjoy it to the full but it's mild tonight and I'm revelling in the treat of having the windows open in the evening and being able to sniff the smells of darkness...
I'm grateful I bought some chocolate biscuits the other day and that this day I felt like eating some!
I'm grateful that the first part of the Stephen Fry language thing was good. I've read so much stuff and written so many essays regurgitating stuff in recent years it's a pleasant change to see an interesting subject made interesting again. Loved the sign language fable play!
I'm grateful for less pain this afternoon and this evening so far. Could it be the change of medication? Fingers crossed, eh?
I'm grateful I got a first coat of top coat on couple of metres of woodwork I've been prepping the last couple of weeks. I'm not dextrous enough to do finishing top coat. Heck, I'm not dextrous enough to do a base coat some might say but like myself it looks better in soft light and soft focus!
I'm grateful that sun drenched heatwave hasn't hit us full on here (yet?) to make me miserable I can't enjoy it to the full but it's mild tonight and I'm revelling in the treat of having the windows open in the evening and being able to sniff the smells of darkness...
I'm grateful I bought some chocolate biscuits the other day and that this day I felt like eating some!
I'm grateful that the first part of the Stephen Fry language thing was good. I've read so much stuff and written so many essays regurgitating stuff in recent years it's a pleasant change to see an interesting subject made interesting again. Loved the sign language fable play!
Don't ask!
Yes, Stef, you did comment but I have to 'approve' what people say before it's published so it doesn't always appear straight away. I suppose I should have put that in 'comments' myself but I'm not sure if people go back there after they've been already...I did add one to Juanita's earlier but wasn't sure if she'd find it...and thank you Lynn, yes I read that too. I hope someone sorts things out for her...
Well, that's the AOB out of the way, I am minded of minutes at meetings, ha ha! I've heard from the GP surgery that the hospital have assured them my urgent neurology referral is in the urgent neurology queue and they'll be in touch in course. Righty ho then, I'll just hang on here, hanging in there trying not to get so sick I become an emergency and jump said queue pushing the mere urgencies out of the way! I think the admin assistant who passed on this message was relieved I didn't verbally shoot her on the spot, bless her!
And now, for the easily taken aback I must warn you of a RANT about to happen. I'll get back to sweetness, light, tolerance and humour when I've got this off my chest I promise....
I have so many things the matter with me at the moment, yet I must remember that it's impolite to list them if anyone asks how I am. I do puzzle over what I'm supposed to say...I mean all the people who call themselves friends know I'm really not well, hardly ever go out or have company or do anything nice without it being on the national news and that it's all down hill from here for me so why do they ask (once in a month of Sundays) if they only expect me to pretend otherwise just to make them feel better. I mean what have they done lately to make me feel better? Oh yes, they asked me how I was, didn't I? Maybe they said we must meet up sometime only just now they're sooo busy! To be honest I actually have more respect for the people who just vanished. I think they're actually being more honest and respectful than those who prefer to pretend they haven't.
Here's the thing guys...I'm going to die whether you like me or not, whether you can deal with it or not...and sometimes I'm just sooo busy doing that that I can't be bothered to join in your ego boost of kidding yourself you care.
Well, that's the AOB out of the way, I am minded of minutes at meetings, ha ha! I've heard from the GP surgery that the hospital have assured them my urgent neurology referral is in the urgent neurology queue and they'll be in touch in course. Righty ho then, I'll just hang on here, hanging in there trying not to get so sick I become an emergency and jump said queue pushing the mere urgencies out of the way! I think the admin assistant who passed on this message was relieved I didn't verbally shoot her on the spot, bless her!
And now, for the easily taken aback I must warn you of a RANT about to happen. I'll get back to sweetness, light, tolerance and humour when I've got this off my chest I promise....
I have so many things the matter with me at the moment, yet I must remember that it's impolite to list them if anyone asks how I am. I do puzzle over what I'm supposed to say...I mean all the people who call themselves friends know I'm really not well, hardly ever go out or have company or do anything nice without it being on the national news and that it's all down hill from here for me so why do they ask (once in a month of Sundays) if they only expect me to pretend otherwise just to make them feel better. I mean what have they done lately to make me feel better? Oh yes, they asked me how I was, didn't I? Maybe they said we must meet up sometime only just now they're sooo busy! To be honest I actually have more respect for the people who just vanished. I think they're actually being more honest and respectful than those who prefer to pretend they haven't.
Here's the thing guys...I'm going to die whether you like me or not, whether you can deal with it or not...and sometimes I'm just sooo busy doing that that I can't be bothered to join in your ego boost of kidding yourself you care.
Bright sidelines
Well I started today struggling to think of anything to be grateful for. This is bad practice...there are ALWAYS things to be grateful for! Yes, I was awake for long periods in a lot of pain but I was in my own comfy bed and I had my Streak and a book and a bedside lamp and I wasn't disturbing anyone and no one was disturbing me...
...until I was woken in the 'proper' morning by first of all the bin men and their carts, and then by a team of road resurfacers. Heavens what a lot of heavy machinery screeching and grinding and manly shouting to and fro! So yeah, once again not obviously pleasing but I bet those men and their dependents if they have them are very glad they have jobs to go to, as are we who want them done!
So, I got up and put the kettle on but the mug cracked when I poured the boiling water in and I felt rather hard done by, but you know I do have other mugs in abundance and no hot water spilt on me...and I can turn the tap and fresh cold water comes out ready to start again.
And that wonderfully doctorly doctor I saw a couple of weeks back who's been away had left a morning message on my phone asking how things were progressing because he's still being doctorly and concerned...and saying he'd ring back...and he did! And I explained that there was still no more news from the hospital on his returned referral but that I didn't feel well enough to go anyway and he listened to my other medical woes and worked out another antibiotic to try for my infection. (Not only does the nature of the bug have to be taken into consideration but what's appropriate for reduced kidney function, indeed what might even work with reduced kidney function as some things don't get into the bloodstream in enough quantities to be effective anyway). And, now this especially brilliant...I have a course of the very thing prescribed in hope some weeks back but untaken when the lab results said 'no'. So I don't even have to ring the chemist to deliver or go down and up the stairs to collect when they do. I can lie on the sofa with Stephen Fry (purely electronically you understand) windoes open while the workmen have their lunch and maybe, if I feel up to it, a little light crochet for my craft collection for Volunteering in Health so they can carry on taking people to hospital who have no personal chauffeurs to get them there. If I ever get that appointment I'll need their services again methinks...a bus seems a bridge too far these days!
...until I was woken in the 'proper' morning by first of all the bin men and their carts, and then by a team of road resurfacers. Heavens what a lot of heavy machinery screeching and grinding and manly shouting to and fro! So yeah, once again not obviously pleasing but I bet those men and their dependents if they have them are very glad they have jobs to go to, as are we who want them done!
So, I got up and put the kettle on but the mug cracked when I poured the boiling water in and I felt rather hard done by, but you know I do have other mugs in abundance and no hot water spilt on me...and I can turn the tap and fresh cold water comes out ready to start again.
And that wonderfully doctorly doctor I saw a couple of weeks back who's been away had left a morning message on my phone asking how things were progressing because he's still being doctorly and concerned...and saying he'd ring back...and he did! And I explained that there was still no more news from the hospital on his returned referral but that I didn't feel well enough to go anyway and he listened to my other medical woes and worked out another antibiotic to try for my infection. (Not only does the nature of the bug have to be taken into consideration but what's appropriate for reduced kidney function, indeed what might even work with reduced kidney function as some things don't get into the bloodstream in enough quantities to be effective anyway). And, now this especially brilliant...I have a course of the very thing prescribed in hope some weeks back but untaken when the lab results said 'no'. So I don't even have to ring the chemist to deliver or go down and up the stairs to collect when they do. I can lie on the sofa with Stephen Fry (purely electronically you understand) windoes open while the workmen have their lunch and maybe, if I feel up to it, a little light crochet for my craft collection for Volunteering in Health so they can carry on taking people to hospital who have no personal chauffeurs to get them there. If I ever get that appointment I'll need their services again methinks...a bus seems a bridge too far these days!
Sunday, 25 September 2011
Late night extra
A couple more things that have made me smile this evening...The slanting sun rays hitting the almost golden leaves on the trees outside, just before it went down, and making them seem gold already...
Some desperately over performing acts on X factor and Gary Barlow's bemused face when he watched them - priceless! Well he did advise everyone to be memorable and stand out from the crowd...
What's that you say...It's not late night? Oh, it feels like it to me, I'm whacked! I'd have been in bed an hour ago but waiting for aches and infirmities to settle down. Hope you all sleep well/slept well and that your new week starts promisingly...
Some desperately over performing acts on X factor and Gary Barlow's bemused face when he watched them - priceless! Well he did advise everyone to be memorable and stand out from the crowd...
What's that you say...It's not late night? Oh, it feels like it to me, I'm whacked! I'd have been in bed an hour ago but waiting for aches and infirmities to settle down. Hope you all sleep well/slept well and that your new week starts promisingly...
Homework
Watched the race...loved sparkly Singapore by night and the fireworks after best! (I've been to Sinagpore and been on a night cruise around the bay...it was gobsmackingly lovely and sparkly then and that was years ago...)
When my kidney stopped hurting I did some filling on the side of a door frame and a small section of skirting board and wall. And when I recovered from that I did a little bit of paint removing from the picture rail and architraves. There's a (different) place between the layers on each where, if you can get the scraper in the right place, you can remove satisfying size pieces but keep a base coating or two on the wood to start again. Even now I seem to have a knack for this so, although I've tried to pass on the technique, as I can do it quite well myself, I might as well carry on. I'm very slow but it's not as if there's a team of decorators waiting, fresh dipped brushes drying in their hands, waiting for me to finish so they can finish off! I'm grateful for my perseverance in getting things a little more ready in case one day there are though!
I can hardly move now and beginning to feel rough again so I'm also grateful I cooked some aubergine, mushrooms and tomatoes earlier. My appetite is not what it was but I might fancy that in a little while. Loads of garlic in it as usual...my style of cooking has developed in isolation and may have contributed to the fact that I have, ha ha! I'm having a little rest before I start clearing up the mess I made because, as Neil the hippy might say, vacuum cleaners are heavy man!
I'm grateful for the autumny feel and smell in the air. I love seasons...we are so lucky to have them here! When I had my market stalls this was the beginning of the busiest season and I'd be churning out jumpers on my knitting machine, stringing beads etc. I'll have to see if I can find a picture or two of me surrounded by my wares. I'm so grateful I found a way to do things I like and work for myself for so much of my life...Bob says he must be following my example with his own many fingered musical pies.
I'm grateful I've got through (most of) another day...I think it must be hard for many of you to grasp what it's like to have as little human contact as I do, day after day, month after month. I sometimes think that as I'm going to miss out on being numerically old I'm getting to experience some of its hardships early... to make me a more rounded character or something perhaps! Well that 'll come in useful, ha ha! Anyway, thanks once again for your virtual contact and thoughtful comments. And a big well done to Stef for doing what she meant to. PS, still not heard anything from Pat anywhere...I do hope she's OK
When my kidney stopped hurting I did some filling on the side of a door frame and a small section of skirting board and wall. And when I recovered from that I did a little bit of paint removing from the picture rail and architraves. There's a (different) place between the layers on each where, if you can get the scraper in the right place, you can remove satisfying size pieces but keep a base coating or two on the wood to start again. Even now I seem to have a knack for this so, although I've tried to pass on the technique, as I can do it quite well myself, I might as well carry on. I'm very slow but it's not as if there's a team of decorators waiting, fresh dipped brushes drying in their hands, waiting for me to finish so they can finish off! I'm grateful for my perseverance in getting things a little more ready in case one day there are though!
I can hardly move now and beginning to feel rough again so I'm also grateful I cooked some aubergine, mushrooms and tomatoes earlier. My appetite is not what it was but I might fancy that in a little while. Loads of garlic in it as usual...my style of cooking has developed in isolation and may have contributed to the fact that I have, ha ha! I'm having a little rest before I start clearing up the mess I made because, as Neil the hippy might say, vacuum cleaners are heavy man!
I'm grateful for the autumny feel and smell in the air. I love seasons...we are so lucky to have them here! When I had my market stalls this was the beginning of the busiest season and I'd be churning out jumpers on my knitting machine, stringing beads etc. I'll have to see if I can find a picture or two of me surrounded by my wares. I'm so grateful I found a way to do things I like and work for myself for so much of my life...Bob says he must be following my example with his own many fingered musical pies.
I'm grateful I've got through (most of) another day...I think it must be hard for many of you to grasp what it's like to have as little human contact as I do, day after day, month after month. I sometimes think that as I'm going to miss out on being numerically old I'm getting to experience some of its hardships early... to make me a more rounded character or something perhaps! Well that 'll come in useful, ha ha! Anyway, thanks once again for your virtual contact and thoughtful comments. And a big well done to Stef for doing what she meant to. PS, still not heard anything from Pat anywhere...I do hope she's OK
Better inside
Hello Tony, thanks for your cyberhug, for your recipe and for signing up and making my followers section a nice tidy block!
My first thanks of the day is for the breezy showery weather (no sign of that rumoured Indian summer). I looked out of the window and thought 'Great! I won't suffer from any wishing to go out' but then I thought of how lovely it actually is to walk in the wind and rain and (especially on a beach!) had a little sad time too as I just feel so lousy it's effort enough these days to get out of bed and pjs. I'm enjoying the memories of trudges through inclement weather though...much gratitude for (most of) a lifetime of getting up and going! I guess what I really want now is someone to take me somewhere windswept in a car and offer their arm to help me along...and then maybe if they could bring me home and settle me on the sofa with a cuppa while they rustle up some lunch. Me and my fantasies eh?
Meanwhile, back in the real world I set myself the task last night of getting up by eleven am today. No real reason, nothing to get up for at all really, I'd just like to have done something (as yet unspecified) before the grand prix starts. So I suppose I'd better start the process soon instead of just writing about it, ha ha! Meanwhile I'm enjoying listening to the sounds of church bells and imagining the feeling of going to church...and better still the feeling inside you have coming out afterwards. My inner sinner hopes the sermons and homilies my church going acquaintances hear today include mention of the worthiness of visiting the sick! I do know it's not as much fun as visiting a winebar or a favourite shop or family member or walking on a beach with someone you love, and I do understand it's a hassle and a nuisance and that I lack the social charms you prefer and the situation I'm in can make conversation awkward but you'll feel better inside when you've done it, when you leave knowing you did a good thing. Trouble is I can't tell you so myself...
My first thanks of the day is for the breezy showery weather (no sign of that rumoured Indian summer). I looked out of the window and thought 'Great! I won't suffer from any wishing to go out' but then I thought of how lovely it actually is to walk in the wind and rain and (especially on a beach!) had a little sad time too as I just feel so lousy it's effort enough these days to get out of bed and pjs. I'm enjoying the memories of trudges through inclement weather though...much gratitude for (most of) a lifetime of getting up and going! I guess what I really want now is someone to take me somewhere windswept in a car and offer their arm to help me along...and then maybe if they could bring me home and settle me on the sofa with a cuppa while they rustle up some lunch. Me and my fantasies eh?
Meanwhile, back in the real world I set myself the task last night of getting up by eleven am today. No real reason, nothing to get up for at all really, I'd just like to have done something (as yet unspecified) before the grand prix starts. So I suppose I'd better start the process soon instead of just writing about it, ha ha! Meanwhile I'm enjoying listening to the sounds of church bells and imagining the feeling of going to church...and better still the feeling inside you have coming out afterwards. My inner sinner hopes the sermons and homilies my church going acquaintances hear today include mention of the worthiness of visiting the sick! I do know it's not as much fun as visiting a winebar or a favourite shop or family member or walking on a beach with someone you love, and I do understand it's a hassle and a nuisance and that I lack the social charms you prefer and the situation I'm in can make conversation awkward but you'll feel better inside when you've done it, when you leave knowing you did a good thing. Trouble is I can't tell you so myself...
Saturday, 24 September 2011
Cheesy
In your dreams (and mine) Lynn...not a dickie bird, no pun intended ha,ha!
Tonight (yet again) I give thanks for Dave Lamb's commentary on Come Dine with Me. Always makes me chuckle... Though to be fair this week the contestants from Warrington were quite comical on their own (yes, Mimi where would we be? Same place only more bored I'm thinking!)
I give thanks for Carol, Chris, Christine and Juanita for becoming followers of my blog and for their kindly introductory messages. I'm so glad you my ramblings have 'spoken' to you in some way... Has anyone heard from Pat by the way?
I'm grateful I've done a few small chores...diy and domestic...and even more grateful that I've stopped!
I'm grateful that I've noticed the film Crash is on tonight because I noticed it was on last night but only after it was half way through. I love that film so much and haven't got a proper recording of it so I've set it to record tonight..woohoo!
And I give thanks for making that thing I make with feta cheese...not the pie, something else...yes I know impressive eh? I can make TWO things with feta cheese and that's not counting Greek salad! Now for Family Fortunes!
Tonight (yet again) I give thanks for Dave Lamb's commentary on Come Dine with Me. Always makes me chuckle... Though to be fair this week the contestants from Warrington were quite comical on their own (yes, Mimi where would we be? Same place only more bored I'm thinking!)
I give thanks for Carol, Chris, Christine and Juanita for becoming followers of my blog and for their kindly introductory messages. I'm so glad you my ramblings have 'spoken' to you in some way... Has anyone heard from Pat by the way?
I'm grateful I've done a few small chores...diy and domestic...and even more grateful that I've stopped!
I'm grateful that I've noticed the film Crash is on tonight because I noticed it was on last night but only after it was half way through. I love that film so much and haven't got a proper recording of it so I've set it to record tonight..woohoo!
And I give thanks for making that thing I make with feta cheese...not the pie, something else...yes I know impressive eh? I can make TWO things with feta cheese and that's not counting Greek salad! Now for Family Fortunes!
Naked men
Only slept fitfully, nothing to do with naked men but with my various infirmities. Just before I woke up late morning though I was having a dream in which I was living back in Newtown, Powys and had just bought some boots from Pryce Jones which is a shop that closed down years ago. It must have been Adam's old photos that reminded me. I was in a kitchen with some people I knew in my dream but not when I woke up if you know what I mean. There was a woman doing something at a worktop and a younger man sitting down and I was younger but still ill and struggling to get these quite smart boots on and get ready to go for some sort of interview. I was halfway up the stairs out of the room when I remembered I'd left my bag in the corner where I'd been sitting and I called Fraser to go and fetch it for me.
Fraser was a beloved blue roan and tan cocker spaniel from another era entirely who I probably could have trained to bring my bag to order. When I came home from a long day in the market he'd tenderly remove my scrunchie from my hair and he liked to put his canine 'arm' on you when napping by your side. Fraser ended up living with an ex boyfriend's mum when I moved down here. I thought I could come back for him, or see him when I visited but that's when the boyfriend became an ex and it wasn't to be. I still cry when I remember him (the dog, ha ha!)...the Fraser days were some of the happiest of my life and I give thanks that I had that happiness.
When I think about dying I think of Fraser waiting for me. My dad who loved to walk our childhood dogs is holding his lead and he's pulling and doing a sort of doggy paddle on the ground trying to get to me. They never met, my father died when I was fourteen of multiple diagnosed too late cancers and Fraser (who wasn't part of my life til Bob was sixteen) was put out of his own discomfort from a tumour a couple of years back. He spent the end of his days gazing out of the window at the river apparently. Now who does that remind you of eh?
As you can see, right from an early age he always took a keen interest in looking at things!
So what's all this got to do with naked men? Oh you know, just trying to get your attention! Well actually, when I couldn't sleep in the night I was looking at some emails Lynn had sent me. You know, the kind that go round mailing lists with interesting pictures of one sort or other...cute animals, or unusual tattoos or funny signs or whatever. And she'd sent me one of an animated clock made of unclothed male figures which I don't think would offend anyone so I've included a link to it here The dial face one is good but if you click on it you get a digital version that I actually like even more and the thing is they are actually telling the time! It took me a while to realise this, ha ha! Gratitude to Lynn for thinking I'd like this amusement...I did! It also brought to mind an email that went around the place I used to work a few years back that definitely would offend some people so I shall merely describe by saying it was entitled 'who wants to come to my sleepover?' and was composed of several several healthy looking 'real' men who appeared to have forgotten their pajamas but seemed not to be cold or embarrassed about it! Yes, gratitude for that memory too!
It's taken me hours to write this...apologies to new followers I have not welcomed personally yet, typing and swyping I find increasingly difficult to do especially if I want to create the real words I really mean first time... Last thanks for now is that the Singapore F1 qualifying is on late as it's a night race so I've managed to get in front of the TV in time to watch it! Now I'd better actually unhit the pause button to do so...
When I think about dying I think of Fraser waiting for me. My dad who loved to walk our childhood dogs is holding his lead and he's pulling and doing a sort of doggy paddle on the ground trying to get to me. They never met, my father died when I was fourteen of multiple diagnosed too late cancers and Fraser (who wasn't part of my life til Bob was sixteen) was put out of his own discomfort from a tumour a couple of years back. He spent the end of his days gazing out of the window at the river apparently. Now who does that remind you of eh?
As you can see, right from an early age he always took a keen interest in looking at things!
So what's all this got to do with naked men? Oh you know, just trying to get your attention! Well actually, when I couldn't sleep in the night I was looking at some emails Lynn had sent me. You know, the kind that go round mailing lists with interesting pictures of one sort or other...cute animals, or unusual tattoos or funny signs or whatever. And she'd sent me one of an animated clock made of unclothed male figures which I don't think would offend anyone so I've included a link to it here The dial face one is good but if you click on it you get a digital version that I actually like even more and the thing is they are actually telling the time! It took me a while to realise this, ha ha! Gratitude to Lynn for thinking I'd like this amusement...I did! It also brought to mind an email that went around the place I used to work a few years back that definitely would offend some people so I shall merely describe by saying it was entitled 'who wants to come to my sleepover?' and was composed of several several healthy looking 'real' men who appeared to have forgotten their pajamas but seemed not to be cold or embarrassed about it! Yes, gratitude for that memory too!
It's taken me hours to write this...apologies to new followers I have not welcomed personally yet, typing and swyping I find increasingly difficult to do especially if I want to create the real words I really mean first time... Last thanks for now is that the Singapore F1 qualifying is on late as it's a night race so I've managed to get in front of the TV in time to watch it! Now I'd better actually unhit the pause button to do so...
Friday, 23 September 2011
Stepping out
Wow! Carole has a LOT of blog readers doesn't she? Thank you all for stopping by! I hope you paused to read some cheerier posts as well and will maybe come back another day...
I got my meds and an assurance that a letter has been sent to neurology. For those of you who don't read Carole's blog - it's no good you and your GP knowing you need something doing...someone with a much higher salary has to actually pop in the office and get involved. I'm really sorry to hear she's suffering while waiting too.
There was a fresh cool autumn breeze here and limited sun but I groaned my way up these steps under the trees to the stunning view at the top. I had a mug of tea afterwards at the edge of the sea wall just above the waves looking at the headlands reaching out beyond each other, yearning for the time when I could walk my blues away on the coast path and trying not to hate nimble people striding past me with rucksacks on their backs.
The way I feel right now if I have to have one more billy no mates pot of tea for one inside a cafe full of friend-full tables I'll drown myself in the milk jug (which I believe is technically possible and has probably already featured in some episode of CSI!) Six months ago I still had people to sit in cafes with...people I was in regular communication with to arrange such wanton socialisation. One, and in some ways this was best of all, actually kept a camping stove, kettle and the makings in the back of his car so he could brew up wherever he/we felt like it...a lay-by with a view perhaps. I loved that!
I don't know what happened to these people, where they went and why. Maybe I just literally outlived my tolerability, maybe they thought the end might get messy and they ought to make a dash for freedom while their consciences would let them. What was really spooky was that they all left at the same time though not part of the same family or social group themselves. Did they all meet in a cafe without me and form a pact?
Anyway I'm home now, tired and ready for TV and paracetamol. I'm grateful I have both!I express gratitude also for my deftness still with a filler and knife. I think when steadier hands than mine have papered and/or painted the bits I've reconstructed they'll look OK. 'Only' a few more square metres to go...and I give thanks for the smell of Earl Grey tea. The taste's good of course but that waft of bergamot. Mmm-hmm!
I got my meds and an assurance that a letter has been sent to neurology. For those of you who don't read Carole's blog - it's no good you and your GP knowing you need something doing...someone with a much higher salary has to actually pop in the office and get involved. I'm really sorry to hear she's suffering while waiting too.
There was a fresh cool autumn breeze here and limited sun but I groaned my way up these steps under the trees to the stunning view at the top. I had a mug of tea afterwards at the edge of the sea wall just above the waves looking at the headlands reaching out beyond each other, yearning for the time when I could walk my blues away on the coast path and trying not to hate nimble people striding past me with rucksacks on their backs.
The way I feel right now if I have to have one more billy no mates pot of tea for one inside a cafe full of friend-full tables I'll drown myself in the milk jug (which I believe is technically possible and has probably already featured in some episode of CSI!) Six months ago I still had people to sit in cafes with...people I was in regular communication with to arrange such wanton socialisation. One, and in some ways this was best of all, actually kept a camping stove, kettle and the makings in the back of his car so he could brew up wherever he/we felt like it...a lay-by with a view perhaps. I loved that!
I don't know what happened to these people, where they went and why. Maybe I just literally outlived my tolerability, maybe they thought the end might get messy and they ought to make a dash for freedom while their consciences would let them. What was really spooky was that they all left at the same time though not part of the same family or social group themselves. Did they all meet in a cafe without me and form a pact?
Anyway I'm home now, tired and ready for TV and paracetamol. I'm grateful I have both!I express gratitude also for my deftness still with a filler and knife. I think when steadier hands than mine have papered and/or painted the bits I've reconstructed they'll look OK. 'Only' a few more square metres to go...and I give thanks for the smell of Earl Grey tea. The taste's good of course but that waft of bergamot. Mmm-hmm!
Down town
Thank you Carole...that was very thoughtful of you. New visitors please note I'm not *always* a whingey cow but things do get me down sometimes. I give thanks for your kind words and warm wishes!
I'm off to pick up a prescription...just antibiotics for UTI. Very susceptible to these now and they affect my wobbly old kidney. Sorry...my lovely valiant solitary wounded kidney that I appreciate a great deal (just in case my kidney's reading this!). I've stopped for a rest as getting ready has exhausted me. Yes I know I could get the pills delivered but I thought it would be nice to go outside though I do get embarrassed by the creaky way I creep along. Hoping the sun will come back out to accompany me as I fancy a rest with another cuppa on the seafront.
I would like to express thanks also to my upstairs neighbour for being home but quiet. Strange but true.
I'm off to pick up a prescription...just antibiotics for UTI. Very susceptible to these now and they affect my wobbly old kidney. Sorry...my lovely valiant solitary wounded kidney that I appreciate a great deal (just in case my kidney's reading this!). I've stopped for a rest as getting ready has exhausted me. Yes I know I could get the pills delivered but I thought it would be nice to go outside though I do get embarrassed by the creaky way I creep along. Hoping the sun will come back out to accompany me as I fancy a rest with another cuppa on the seafront.
I would like to express thanks also to my upstairs neighbour for being home but quiet. Strange but true.
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Town Flat Rescue
Well, I've managed three or four of those short shifts and basic domestic chores but have been falling asleep in between all afternoon and evening missing a whole chunk of Ruth Watson being rather rude to landed gentry no doubt. In a way I wish I hadn't started the project but only as I don't know if I'll make it to the end. I want my flat to be delightfully marketable to sell quick and make some money for Bob. I feel like I've got so many things wrong in life but to be spending the end of it in such miserable isolation feels a very harsh punishment sometimes... Using the energy I have left to try to be useful is the only right path for someone with so few options I'm sure, so I'll carry on as long as I can. And as I hardly ever hear from him, and the executors have dropped out of touch as well, I must get off my bum and get my funeral sorted to save them the trouble of that too.
When I woke up from my last nap I gave up and came to bed. I'm very sad and low in spirits tonight (obviously - sorry!) It's hard to feel grateful for anything sometimes except that I don't have to try much longer. I've resolved not to bother any more rellies, it's bit thoughtless to put the poor souls on the spot. But I'll make a list of contacts for Bob in case he wants to some time.
(Lynn, just read your comment...I miss loads of people I hardly knew. Story of my bleeping life!)
I'm grateful that I've tried to be kind anyway...I feel better for it even if not always successful.
When I woke up from my last nap I gave up and came to bed. I'm very sad and low in spirits tonight (obviously - sorry!) It's hard to feel grateful for anything sometimes except that I don't have to try much longer. I've resolved not to bother any more rellies, it's bit thoughtless to put the poor souls on the spot. But I'll make a list of contacts for Bob in case he wants to some time.
(Lynn, just read your comment...I miss loads of people I hardly knew. Story of my bleeping life!)
I'm grateful that I've tried to be kind anyway...I feel better for it even if not always successful.
Daily grind
I'm going to have try to go out again soon aren't I...this is becoming very much got up, ate something, watched something, read something, went back to bed. I mean my life is fast becoming just that but it it's even less interesting to read about than to be (marginally) experiencing!
The drummer boy across the road is home from school and clattering away and a female neighbour from along the terrace has clearly got over the headache I think she must have had for the last few weeks and is treating us to a selection of high pitched squeals and screeches. If they could match rhythms I'd be tempted to stick a microphone out of the window and release it as retro punk classic... I'm grateful it's warm enough to have the windows open anyway.
I'm grateful that my Tesco delivery has come and I have more things to eat if I can work up the inclination. They do a delicious in store bakery rye mix bread which will probably get the taste buds going...and I'm very thankful they had that in stock today!
I give thanks I've managed to peel back a corner of carpet without serious injury (there's those inherently evil spiked carpet grip strips underneath) and later, maybe, I'll manage to get the area of skirting and door frame exposed coated in primer so the filler needed to reconnect the two will adhere. I can still do things in short shifts...twenty mins maximum ha ha!
The drummer boy across the road is home from school and clattering away and a female neighbour from along the terrace has clearly got over the headache I think she must have had for the last few weeks and is treating us to a selection of high pitched squeals and screeches. If they could match rhythms I'd be tempted to stick a microphone out of the window and release it as retro punk classic... I'm grateful it's warm enough to have the windows open anyway.
I'm grateful that my Tesco delivery has come and I have more things to eat if I can work up the inclination. They do a delicious in store bakery rye mix bread which will probably get the taste buds going...and I'm very thankful they had that in stock today!
I give thanks I've managed to peel back a corner of carpet without serious injury (there's those inherently evil spiked carpet grip strips underneath) and later, maybe, I'll manage to get the area of skirting and door frame exposed coated in primer so the filler needed to reconnect the two will adhere. I can still do things in short shifts...twenty mins maximum ha ha!
Extended family
Good morning Switzerland, Sweden, China, Hong Kong, France, Australia, Denmark, Singapore...Thank you for visiting my blog...Oh why can't somebody view a page on here from Vietnam...just to give me the satisfaction!
Most of them just popped by, you know. But gratitude especially to those who keep coming back and who tell me so. Your virtual existence in the void does comfort me. Thank you!
No word from Adam yet...I've found a couple of other distant rellies on Facebook who might not mind that they are if you catch my drift. There are some I just wouldn't go there, you know. It's for Bob as much as for me really. I was so out on a limb of all family trees that he grew up and had ended up pretty unconnected himself. I hate the thought that one day he might be ill and alone (though he's much more popular than me and I think this is unlikely to happen) but he might just want to know there is some kind of family out there on my side who remember he exists and to know them, who they are and what they're up to. His half siblings, his father's other children, made some contact a while back, bless them. I give gratitude for this...
Anyway, I'm out of bed whilst the day is still in single figures as Jobcentre Minus continue to send me random bits of paper and not the ones I ask for and their phone lines are jammed from about mid morning on... I'd better get dressed before my surgical supplies delivery arrives and see if I can extract some more delight from a life that has rather more tedious aspects than one would prefer. Perhaps I could strip a bit more wallpaper - it's not very firmly attached - and fill a few holes and cracks beneath. This is not too strenuous and can be done in tiny stages and may take my mind off other ills by making my arms ache!
Most of them just popped by, you know. But gratitude especially to those who keep coming back and who tell me so. Your virtual existence in the void does comfort me. Thank you!
No word from Adam yet...I've found a couple of other distant rellies on Facebook who might not mind that they are if you catch my drift. There are some I just wouldn't go there, you know. It's for Bob as much as for me really. I was so out on a limb of all family trees that he grew up and had ended up pretty unconnected himself. I hate the thought that one day he might be ill and alone (though he's much more popular than me and I think this is unlikely to happen) but he might just want to know there is some kind of family out there on my side who remember he exists and to know them, who they are and what they're up to. His half siblings, his father's other children, made some contact a while back, bless them. I give gratitude for this...
Anyway, I'm out of bed whilst the day is still in single figures as Jobcentre Minus continue to send me random bits of paper and not the ones I ask for and their phone lines are jammed from about mid morning on... I'd better get dressed before my surgical supplies delivery arrives and see if I can extract some more delight from a life that has rather more tedious aspects than one would prefer. Perhaps I could strip a bit more wallpaper - it's not very firmly attached - and fill a few holes and cracks beneath. This is not too strenuous and can be done in tiny stages and may take my mind off other ills by making my arms ache!
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Sunny side up
Phew...it's hard work being ill you know! I'm grateful I got up eventually as otherwise the sun would have been in my eyes...
I'm grateful I saw all those old family pictures. They stirred up some mostly happy memories and fantasies of being welcomed back into a corner of the fold. I did some exclaiming out loud and later sent an email to my cousin but no reply as yet and I also did some Lynn style detective work and found that Timmy is now Tashi but a monk no more.
In the course of my investigations I remembered I've got a Tibetan monk chanting CD. I'm grateful for that as I can take it to listen to if I ever get that bleeping scan. That's me swearing not describing the noise the machine makes. It makes strange and scary sounds...I've used the chanting before and it blends in quite well.
I'm grateful I made spinach and filo pie because it's so easy and so nice and one of those things I can't resist eating and thus worth the minimal effort required. It's a fancy pants one pot meal really, isn't it? I'm grateful I remembered that Tesco call their fresh sheets 'fillo' pastry so have been able to order some more because the website's not clever enough to know what you mean if you spell it with one 'l'...
And I would also like to express thanks to Bill Bryson especially for making me lol while I was lolling under the covers earlier on!
I'm grateful I saw all those old family pictures. They stirred up some mostly happy memories and fantasies of being welcomed back into a corner of the fold. I did some exclaiming out loud and later sent an email to my cousin but no reply as yet and I also did some Lynn style detective work and found that Timmy is now Tashi but a monk no more.
In the course of my investigations I remembered I've got a Tibetan monk chanting CD. I'm grateful for that as I can take it to listen to if I ever get that bleeping scan. That's me swearing not describing the noise the machine makes. It makes strange and scary sounds...I've used the chanting before and it blends in quite well.
I'm grateful I made spinach and filo pie because it's so easy and so nice and one of those things I can't resist eating and thus worth the minimal effort required. It's a fancy pants one pot meal really, isn't it? I'm grateful I remembered that Tesco call their fresh sheets 'fillo' pastry so have been able to order some more because the website's not clever enough to know what you mean if you spell it with one 'l'...
And I would also like to express thanks to Bill Bryson especially for making me lol while I was lolling under the covers earlier on!
Exile on High Street
After Laura went I did precisely nothing for a few hours...it was wonderful! I had the windows wide open for the paint to dry without being smelly and it was quite cosy with a hoodie on and quilted throw over my legs listening to the squishy sounds of heavy rain falling on gardens. I bet the slugs were having a party!
I watched a programme about a Tibetan lama who lived in a glorified garden shed in Ruislip but who was on a mission to find some world scattered instructional texts on the practice of compassion. He was an enchanting character and the people who he lived with noted how the family pets adored him, whilst the commentator commentated on how despite the fact he was a revered figure in his own culture he was happy to be involved with the physical work of creating a Buddhist centre in a converted shop on the High Street. There were shots of him tiling in the kitchen. I felt a great affinity with the man, ha ha! I loved seeing people meditating...what ever I see on TV I seem to mimic in spirit so it's best if it's nice things!
I don't actually have a sofa in my living room but a high wooden single bed piled with cushions and backed with hangings that I most often sit on cross legged. This seems perfectly normal and comfortable to me but it gave me a jolt to see all the venerable personages he visited doing the same thing...it dawned on me properly for the first time that most people over here don't! The picture would have been almost complete when I had alopecia for a year...
I thought about Timmy. Timmy was a little boy who was best friends with a cousin of mine, Adam who was a few years younger than me. He was a perfectly normal little boy from Birmingham in all respects except that he meditated for twenty minutes morning and evening before he was even in double figures! And all he wanted to be when he grew up was a Buddhist monk...no kidding! And when he left school he went to a monastery and asked to join and they sent him away to get an education first (partly I think as a test) so he went away and got a degree and went back to the monastery and said can I join now please? And they said OK and he did and, as far as I know stayed there til this day. He stayed in occasional contact with Adam's mum Marie for a while and I did too and she showed me a letter from him explaining how he was going into retreat and wouldn't be able to write again. It had his monk name on it but I can't remember it now and I don't have any contact with any of my family now so there's no one to ask and I don't have enough information to find out anything via the internet (I tried). I'd love to see a picture of him in his robes.
After I wrote the first part of this I decided to look for Adam and I found a bit about him and loads of old family photos too on Flickr. Made me cry...but in a nice way. You know about me and crying in a nice way by now. I last saw Adam in an instant photo shop on the high street in Aberystwyth...but it seems he's gone up in the photography world. That's nice. There's a site with an email address on it and I wondered whether to send him a message. I know there's no point in asking anyone because everyone else comes from normal families and have no idea what it's like to be a black sheep outcast in mine. Hmmm...
I watched a programme about a Tibetan lama who lived in a glorified garden shed in Ruislip but who was on a mission to find some world scattered instructional texts on the practice of compassion. He was an enchanting character and the people who he lived with noted how the family pets adored him, whilst the commentator commentated on how despite the fact he was a revered figure in his own culture he was happy to be involved with the physical work of creating a Buddhist centre in a converted shop on the High Street. There were shots of him tiling in the kitchen. I felt a great affinity with the man, ha ha! I loved seeing people meditating...what ever I see on TV I seem to mimic in spirit so it's best if it's nice things!
I don't actually have a sofa in my living room but a high wooden single bed piled with cushions and backed with hangings that I most often sit on cross legged. This seems perfectly normal and comfortable to me but it gave me a jolt to see all the venerable personages he visited doing the same thing...it dawned on me properly for the first time that most people over here don't! The picture would have been almost complete when I had alopecia for a year...
I thought about Timmy. Timmy was a little boy who was best friends with a cousin of mine, Adam who was a few years younger than me. He was a perfectly normal little boy from Birmingham in all respects except that he meditated for twenty minutes morning and evening before he was even in double figures! And all he wanted to be when he grew up was a Buddhist monk...no kidding! And when he left school he went to a monastery and asked to join and they sent him away to get an education first (partly I think as a test) so he went away and got a degree and went back to the monastery and said can I join now please? And they said OK and he did and, as far as I know stayed there til this day. He stayed in occasional contact with Adam's mum Marie for a while and I did too and she showed me a letter from him explaining how he was going into retreat and wouldn't be able to write again. It had his monk name on it but I can't remember it now and I don't have any contact with any of my family now so there's no one to ask and I don't have enough information to find out anything via the internet (I tried). I'd love to see a picture of him in his robes.
After I wrote the first part of this I decided to look for Adam and I found a bit about him and loads of old family photos too on Flickr. Made me cry...but in a nice way. You know about me and crying in a nice way by now. I last saw Adam in an instant photo shop on the high street in Aberystwyth...but it seems he's gone up in the photography world. That's nice. There's a site with an email address on it and I wondered whether to send him a message. I know there's no point in asking anyone because everyone else comes from normal families and have no idea what it's like to be a black sheep outcast in mine. Hmmm...
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
Scraps
So...hmm...this afternoon...what else can I be grateful for in the the latest part of my day?
I give thanks for community nurses gloves, they have two pairs to tend to me...fresh on after washing their hands and remarkable unsullied after tending to my needs so I recycle them for jobs around the house. I've repotted a couple of pot plants this afternoon and still have squeaky clean nails!
I give thanks for Laura coming to do some more decorating. It wasn't part of the master plan which involved a lot of rest and recuperation for me today but she needs the work and I need it done so it would be silly to say no!
I give thanks for the lovely lady from the council who came to assess some of building freeholder's lapses and did so with such zeal and sympathy. She's new bless her!
I give thanks for Tesco vegetable samosas...I'd order some more but their site's down today...the end of civilisation as we know it!
And I'm grateful for your patience with me for writing such boring posts today...will try to have a more exuberant and interesting day tomorrow!
I give thanks for community nurses gloves, they have two pairs to tend to me...fresh on after washing their hands and remarkable unsullied after tending to my needs so I recycle them for jobs around the house. I've repotted a couple of pot plants this afternoon and still have squeaky clean nails!
I give thanks for Laura coming to do some more decorating. It wasn't part of the master plan which involved a lot of rest and recuperation for me today but she needs the work and I need it done so it would be silly to say no!
I give thanks for the lovely lady from the council who came to assess some of building freeholder's lapses and did so with such zeal and sympathy. She's new bless her!
I give thanks for Tesco vegetable samosas...I'd order some more but their site's down today...the end of civilisation as we know it!
And I'm grateful for your patience with me for writing such boring posts today...will try to have a more exuberant and interesting day tomorrow!
Titbits
This morning I give thanks for clean clothes. I must wear more velour...it's great, it doesn't need ironing!
I give thanks for the sound of the wind in the leaves in the trees...we won't have that for much longer at this rate. I give thanks that it's warm enough to have the windows open so I can listen to it...
I give thanks that I'm nearly hungry...I'm off to see if there's something in the cupboards I fancy eating before the feeling's passed!
I give thanks for the sound of the wind in the leaves in the trees...we won't have that for much longer at this rate. I give thanks that it's warm enough to have the windows open so I can listen to it...
I give thanks that I'm nearly hungry...I'm off to see if there's something in the cupboards I fancy eating before the feeling's passed!
Monday, 19 September 2011
Boos and Hoorays
Well done to Jessica 'Tiggs' Holligan for starting her blog - http://tiggerlishious.wordpress.com/! She writes so well (hooray!) and it's such a shame she has to write about something so horrid (boo!) I would become a 'follower' if I knew how but I haven't found my way round her blog provider yet, 'tis very different from here.
I have been out today...much gratitude for that! I had to take a sample to the doc's (boo!) but managed to walk down the hill to the surgery (hurray!). I saw the big strange non-boat thing on the horizon that was there last week and asked the coastguard lookouts and they said it was an oil rig and I said I'd thought it looked like one but what was it doing there and they said it was being towed and I said but it's not going anywhere and they said the technical term is 'parked', ha ha! They also said I'd just missed a great dolphin display (boo!) and I was a bit peeved as I haven't seen any at all this year but perhaps it's a good thing as I'd probably drop dead from happiness on the spot! Likewise for not seeing the Red Arrows this summer I guess... Gratitude for a bit of a chat and for solving a mystery though...
And then it started raining...that fine misty drizzly rain that I love (hooray!) so gratitude for that as well. Yes I know I'm weird and getting weirder but see below re that.
When I got back there was a message from the doc's again saying that they'd heard back that I couldn't have an emergency referral to my oncologist as she's (still) away and who would I like to see instead? Oh well, that's OK then...let me think...um, Ben Fogle's quite cute...or there was a lady called Kath I knew in Wales, I'd love to see her again...or my son Bob but only if he wanted to and I do get the impression he doesn't. They said a neurologist maybe and I said fine I don't mind really but what I really need is a brain scan.
Now you have to understand one of my least favourite things in the whole wide world is an MRI scan of my brain. I'm sorry, I understand I'm just being foolish but those machines really scare me and when it's my head in there I hate it most of all. But I really think it has to be done as something is definitely not right in there (boo!) and if they could find it I could stop trying to act normal (hooray!) as it's getting quite a strain.
Anyway, I'm grateful I've done the most important chores and and can laze around for the evening and I'm grateful I feel so nauseous as I haven't had to make any tea ha ha! Every cloud, eh?
I have been out today...much gratitude for that! I had to take a sample to the doc's (boo!) but managed to walk down the hill to the surgery (hurray!). I saw the big strange non-boat thing on the horizon that was there last week and asked the coastguard lookouts and they said it was an oil rig and I said I'd thought it looked like one but what was it doing there and they said it was being towed and I said but it's not going anywhere and they said the technical term is 'parked', ha ha! They also said I'd just missed a great dolphin display (boo!) and I was a bit peeved as I haven't seen any at all this year but perhaps it's a good thing as I'd probably drop dead from happiness on the spot! Likewise for not seeing the Red Arrows this summer I guess... Gratitude for a bit of a chat and for solving a mystery though...
And then it started raining...that fine misty drizzly rain that I love (hooray!) so gratitude for that as well. Yes I know I'm weird and getting weirder but see below re that.
When I got back there was a message from the doc's again saying that they'd heard back that I couldn't have an emergency referral to my oncologist as she's (still) away and who would I like to see instead? Oh well, that's OK then...let me think...um, Ben Fogle's quite cute...or there was a lady called Kath I knew in Wales, I'd love to see her again...or my son Bob but only if he wanted to and I do get the impression he doesn't. They said a neurologist maybe and I said fine I don't mind really but what I really need is a brain scan.
Now you have to understand one of my least favourite things in the whole wide world is an MRI scan of my brain. I'm sorry, I understand I'm just being foolish but those machines really scare me and when it's my head in there I hate it most of all. But I really think it has to be done as something is definitely not right in there (boo!) and if they could find it I could stop trying to act normal (hooray!) as it's getting quite a strain.
Anyway, I'm grateful I've done the most important chores and and can laze around for the evening and I'm grateful I feel so nauseous as I haven't had to make any tea ha ha! Every cloud, eh?
Down time
Thanks for the jar opening tip Pat. For anyone else like me with limited hand coordination...try putting the jar in the sink and pouring hot water over as the metal expands and if you wrap a tea towel round it quick it twists off with hardly any effort at all...
Last night I dreamt they were preparing me for burial but I decided as it was a nice day I'd wait til I was dead! It's not a particularly nice day here now I've woken up but I'd like to hang on a little while as I've still got a few things yet to do.
After my last post I had a shower and put my pjs on before it was properly dark...oh the delicious decadence of it! I watched X Factor and marvelled at how loved everybody was. All that hugging and kissing and tears of joy and pride! I love it that other people know what love is like even if it's just something they remember from long ago when they were little. It's very odd not having a clue and you can make some tragic mistakes about other people's intentions if you don't and be vulnerable to exploitation and abuse right into adulthood...
After that I watched Ben Fogle and Hugh Dennis drive some very silly roads in Peru. I've been a passenger as others drive on some pretty silly roads in my time...Morocco and Crete spring to mind...and it brought them all back. My jaw dropped like the canyons they were skirting and my hands gripped the cushions as tenaciously as their wheels gripped the precarious side of the road!
So gratitude that others have love, for being generous with my 'down' time even on days when I'm barely 'up' and for memories of motoring adventures even though they terrified me at the time!
Last night I dreamt they were preparing me for burial but I decided as it was a nice day I'd wait til I was dead! It's not a particularly nice day here now I've woken up but I'd like to hang on a little while as I've still got a few things yet to do.
After my last post I had a shower and put my pjs on before it was properly dark...oh the delicious decadence of it! I watched X Factor and marvelled at how loved everybody was. All that hugging and kissing and tears of joy and pride! I love it that other people know what love is like even if it's just something they remember from long ago when they were little. It's very odd not having a clue and you can make some tragic mistakes about other people's intentions if you don't and be vulnerable to exploitation and abuse right into adulthood...
After that I watched Ben Fogle and Hugh Dennis drive some very silly roads in Peru. I've been a passenger as others drive on some pretty silly roads in my time...Morocco and Crete spring to mind...and it brought them all back. My jaw dropped like the canyons they were skirting and my hands gripped the cushions as tenaciously as their wheels gripped the precarious side of the road!
So gratitude that others have love, for being generous with my 'down' time even on days when I'm barely 'up' and for memories of motoring adventures even though they terrified me at the time!
Sunday, 18 September 2011
Afternoon delights
I give thanks for the sound of the steam trains' whistles and the sight of all the different boats and ships that moor in or pass through the bit of bay I can see from my bedroom window. I once spent a Christmas day here too ill from chemo to do anything but throw up and empty my sick bowl and nephrostomy bag and every time I sat up to do these things I saw the lovely view and wished myself Happy Christmas. The view from the bedroom window was a big deciding factor in buying my flat though I had no idea at the time how important it would become to me. The view from the other windows isn't bad...if they were the best views you wouldn't complain but the bedroom view is so pretty it looks 'composed' if you know what I mean. I have never ever not felt grateful for it every time that I see it, sometimes even now I still give a little gasp of delight if it's looking especially appealing...the light on the sea maybe, especially moonlight.
I give thanks that despite not having a box, or packet, or tin, the egg poaching thingies I bought did exactly what they said on the label and poached an egg just right and put it on my toast no bother!
I give thanks that in between doing very little I've managed to do a little a lot. And I give thanks that I'm still here even tho I have to admit at times it's beginning to be extremely hard work....
I give thanks that despite not having a box, or packet, or tin, the egg poaching thingies I bought did exactly what they said on the label and poached an egg just right and put it on my toast no bother!
I give thanks that in between doing very little I've managed to do a little a lot. And I give thanks that I'm still here even tho I have to admit at times it's beginning to be extremely hard work....
Good morning Evelina
Good morning Evelina if that's you from Latvia popping in from time to time. I don't think you've had the best welcome somewhere else but you're very welcome here!
I give thanks for the smell of the clean sheets and pillowcases on my bed, for the sound of the rain through my open window during the night, the patch of blue sky that just drifted past the top window panes and the howl of the wind that pushed it. I <3 weather!
I give thanks for the fact that my signal keeps dropping in here so I'll have to get up to post this and can get a cup of tea and a bit of toast and I give thanks for the sense of rebellion that strictly brought up people feel at the prospect of breaking a childhood rule...I think I might open the new jar of marmalade before I finish the old one because I fancy a different flavour today. Having woken up my taste buds with the thought I hope my hands can carry through!
I give thanks for the smell of the clean sheets and pillowcases on my bed, for the sound of the rain through my open window during the night, the patch of blue sky that just drifted past the top window panes and the howl of the wind that pushed it. I <3 weather!
I give thanks for the fact that my signal keeps dropping in here so I'll have to get up to post this and can get a cup of tea and a bit of toast and I give thanks for the sense of rebellion that strictly brought up people feel at the prospect of breaking a childhood rule...I think I might open the new jar of marmalade before I finish the old one because I fancy a different flavour today. Having woken up my taste buds with the thought I hope my hands can carry through!
Saturday, 17 September 2011
Short and sweet
This evening I'm giving thanks that it's evening and my tea's in my tummy and clean sheets are on my bed!
I'm thankful for a mostly lazy relaxing day...but that I got a few jobs done...
For Vicky for messaging me on Facebook, bless her! And then Jan too. TWO people sent me messages and it's not even Christmas!
For John Adams the maths teacher on X Factor...for having such a sweet voice he distracted me from writing this
And for homemade rice pudding with sultanas and cardamom for my supper...
I'm thankful for a mostly lazy relaxing day...but that I got a few jobs done...
For Vicky for messaging me on Facebook, bless her! And then Jan too. TWO people sent me messages and it's not even Christmas!
For John Adams the maths teacher on X Factor...for having such a sweet voice he distracted me from writing this
And for homemade rice pudding with sultanas and cardamom for my supper...
Threads
Heavens, I am tired and achey this morning! I give thanks for tea and oatcakes and paracetamol and a long lie in back in bed!
I have enough bits to make a start on the curtains if I can summon up the energy and inclination and in the meantime I've been looking on line for the ribbon I haven't found yet and for other sewing stuff. And in the course of my internet travels I came across the site of Phil and Anne Wheeler from whom I used to buy all manner of fabrics from their market stalls years ago in Wales. I had no idea they were still in business or had a mail order business now. They were such lovely people, it's a joy to remember them. Second gratitude for that...
And also for remembering all those years ago how I used to buy many fabrics mail order for my own business and asking someone to post a letter for me with an order in it on his way to the shop. He looked at the envelope and said it wasn't a proper address and I couldn't send it like that. The company's name was By the Yard...get it?
I have enough bits to make a start on the curtains if I can summon up the energy and inclination and in the meantime I've been looking on line for the ribbon I haven't found yet and for other sewing stuff. And in the course of my internet travels I came across the site of Phil and Anne Wheeler from whom I used to buy all manner of fabrics from their market stalls years ago in Wales. I had no idea they were still in business or had a mail order business now. They were such lovely people, it's a joy to remember them. Second gratitude for that...
And also for remembering all those years ago how I used to buy many fabrics mail order for my own business and asking someone to post a letter for me with an order in it on his way to the shop. He looked at the envelope and said it wasn't a proper address and I couldn't send it like that. The company's name was By the Yard...get it?
Friday, 16 September 2011
On a clear day...
This evening I give thanks for the bright warm sunshine. It was intermittent but although I wasn't out long I was able to enjoy it more than most because of the slomo itsy bitsy little baby steps I take these days!
I'm grateful for choosing (eventually) the cheapest mop in town to wipe my floors and attempt to clean the muck off my third floor double glazed windows. I've tried all kinds of ways and there's no way I can reach the outside of the top ones apart from with those magnetic things that are too strongly magnetic for me to operate now but the £1.10 (yes...one pound ten pence!) mop I got did the botton ones adequately. The top ones seem really scummy on comparison now but hey ho, I'm not tall enough to have to look straight through them!
I'm grateful for the funny things I found on the internet while having a rest like the demographic correlation of biscuit preferences http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/blog/2011/jul/18/sun-readers-love-pink-wafers and a quiz about chocolate bars http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/photos/can-you-identify-these-chocolate-bars--1316086307-slideshow/ Best to check the links out on a full stomach or you'll be reaching for the snacks!
And lastly, whilst on the subject I would like to express thanks for my delicious dinner. There's a thing I make with aubergines sometimes that goes astonishingly well with oven chips. I don't do it often so each time I do I think...no that can't be right but it certainly is! And both went very well with the lovely fresh runner beans from Heidi's vegetable patch...followed by the last of the rhubarb I stewed the other day.
Now I must lie down to put my eardrops in...great excuse ha ha!
I'm grateful for choosing (eventually) the cheapest mop in town to wipe my floors and attempt to clean the muck off my third floor double glazed windows. I've tried all kinds of ways and there's no way I can reach the outside of the top ones apart from with those magnetic things that are too strongly magnetic for me to operate now but the £1.10 (yes...one pound ten pence!) mop I got did the botton ones adequately. The top ones seem really scummy on comparison now but hey ho, I'm not tall enough to have to look straight through them!
I'm grateful for the funny things I found on the internet while having a rest like the demographic correlation of biscuit preferences http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/blog/2011/jul/18/sun-readers-love-pink-wafers and a quiz about chocolate bars http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/photos/can-you-identify-these-chocolate-bars--1316086307-slideshow/ Best to check the links out on a full stomach or you'll be reaching for the snacks!
And lastly, whilst on the subject I would like to express thanks for my delicious dinner. There's a thing I make with aubergines sometimes that goes astonishingly well with oven chips. I don't do it often so each time I do I think...no that can't be right but it certainly is! And both went very well with the lovely fresh runner beans from Heidi's vegetable patch...followed by the last of the rhubarb I stewed the other day.
Now I must lie down to put my eardrops in...great excuse ha ha!
On the up
Before I think of anything else to ramble on about today I would just like to make it clear I've nothing against crisps per se...let me loose on a bag on kettle chips I'll show you...in fact, thinking about it, I love them so much I'm going to make them my first gratitude of the day! I just don't think I should show you because I firmly believe crisp eating ought to be either done in unison with others participating in the experience or a kept as a solitary private pleasure! And you can make of that what you will...
The bits that hurt and the bits that don't work have been keeping me in bed this morning. I'll have to get up eventually though as there's not much scope for any more 'dreckly' round here Pat! As I get gradually feebler less and less gets done today and more and more awaits tomorrow, next week, sometime, never...and that's just the stuff I'd like to do, never mind the things I'd like to be done if you get my meaning on the difference. I did wonder about getting a taxi down to the shops and back to get some ribbon for the new curtains and a mop to clean the windows with but it's swings and roundabouts on that one as if I got the things I'd probably be too tired to use them! Never mind...I enjoyed listening to a conversation between neighbours in the gardens below. Nothing special, just chit chat about weather and which of the terrace dogs don't get on...but I like hearing the neighbouring humans get on. There are some nice people live in the terrace and I give thanks for that too.
I feel the area's improved since I bought the place and as I've improved the place I bought hopefully I've cancelled out the downturn in property prices. I hope so! I want Bob to get something out of it. I didn't get so much as a tea towel when my mother died and neither did Bob, as I'd been written out of the will for being a bad daughter and I guess they thought I'd passed this gene of unworthiness on. You may query where I got it from? My father died when I was still a child but received wisdom was that he was verging on saintly therefore I have my suspicions ha ha!
The bits that hurt and the bits that don't work have been keeping me in bed this morning. I'll have to get up eventually though as there's not much scope for any more 'dreckly' round here Pat! As I get gradually feebler less and less gets done today and more and more awaits tomorrow, next week, sometime, never...and that's just the stuff I'd like to do, never mind the things I'd like to be done if you get my meaning on the difference. I did wonder about getting a taxi down to the shops and back to get some ribbon for the new curtains and a mop to clean the windows with but it's swings and roundabouts on that one as if I got the things I'd probably be too tired to use them! Never mind...I enjoyed listening to a conversation between neighbours in the gardens below. Nothing special, just chit chat about weather and which of the terrace dogs don't get on...but I like hearing the neighbouring humans get on. There are some nice people live in the terrace and I give thanks for that too.
I feel the area's improved since I bought the place and as I've improved the place I bought hopefully I've cancelled out the downturn in property prices. I hope so! I want Bob to get something out of it. I didn't get so much as a tea towel when my mother died and neither did Bob, as I'd been written out of the will for being a bad daughter and I guess they thought I'd passed this gene of unworthiness on. You may query where I got it from? My father died when I was still a child but received wisdom was that he was verging on saintly therefore I have my suspicions ha ha!
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Minutiae
Tonight I give thanks for a passable journey out to meet Heidi and Ivor. For lovely weather, a pretty little walk and tasty lunch and delicious treats from their apple glut!
For the funny friendly lady on the train home promising to eat her crisps quietly after reading my mind's 'Oh no, a crisp eater!' thought. It was just a thought...honest!
For catching the train back that coincided with Laura passing the station on her way to hang a few lengths of lining paper for me. For staying upright (some of the time) and even being slightly productive myself once or twice while she was here...
For the razzle dazzle sky this evening... That's not the sun in the lower left but the brightest bit of cloud I think I've ever seen!
For glimpses of Herefordshire on Country House Rescue and memories of travels and rambles there when my legs would carry me and companions would walk and talk by my side.
And for rest...just now that's best of all!
For the funny friendly lady on the train home promising to eat her crisps quietly after reading my mind's 'Oh no, a crisp eater!' thought. It was just a thought...honest!
For catching the train back that coincided with Laura passing the station on her way to hang a few lengths of lining paper for me. For staying upright (some of the time) and even being slightly productive myself once or twice while she was here...
For the razzle dazzle sky this evening... That's not the sun in the lower left but the brightest bit of cloud I think I've ever seen!
For glimpses of Herefordshire on Country House Rescue and memories of travels and rambles there when my legs would carry me and companions would walk and talk by my side.
And for rest...just now that's best of all!
Dog's or otherwise
QI - the dog's bollocks, eh? No, seriously, the bit about the... Oh, never mind, I guess you either watch it or you don't. You're missing so much if you don't though, especially the XL version. For me it was like having some old friends come to visit. They talked to each other instead of me but they talked about interesting stuff and made me laugh...can't be bad. And on the 'making of' programme (on iplayer) it seemed as if everyone had the same warm feeling about the set up.
Sometimes I still miss real conversations and company especially in the evening. Mostly I'm used to the isolation now and can accept that's all there is. Most weeks I get few hours' interaction when you add in medical professionals and shop keepers and taxi drivers. Most days I get an email and/or a comment on here and most weeks a short exchange of texts wih someone else. I appreciate these but it's as if I'm empty inside nowadays from all the emptiness outside. Yet sometimes I still think about the people I used to be closer to and get sad...and then I remember either they were pretending or they changed their mind and I get sadder still.
Anyway much gratitude for the illusion while it lasted, for dear QI and for feeling capable of getting up and out. The body is far from willing and if I weren't due to have one of my rare socialisations I wouldn't even try...but I think if I try I can manage it and hopefully if I do the body will behave.
Sometimes I still miss real conversations and company especially in the evening. Mostly I'm used to the isolation now and can accept that's all there is. Most weeks I get few hours' interaction when you add in medical professionals and shop keepers and taxi drivers. Most days I get an email and/or a comment on here and most weeks a short exchange of texts wih someone else. I appreciate these but it's as if I'm empty inside nowadays from all the emptiness outside. Yet sometimes I still think about the people I used to be closer to and get sad...and then I remember either they were pretending or they changed their mind and I get sadder still.
Anyway much gratitude for the illusion while it lasted, for dear QI and for feeling capable of getting up and out. The body is far from willing and if I weren't due to have one of my rare socialisations I wouldn't even try...but I think if I try I can manage it and hopefully if I do the body will behave.
Wednesday, 14 September 2011
Down but not out
Woohoo! The Jobcentre have said that Atos have said that I don't need to do a reassessment. I'm not entirely convinced this is the end of the matter and don't want any repercussions for not filling in the questionnaire they sent me, so have asked for the decision in writing. I'm grateful that the matter seems to be resolved though still a little wary.
I give thanks that by early afternoon I felt able to get out of bed (the sun hits the pillow by then and can dazzle you if you're awake and wake you up if not!) And that I was capable of a few essential chores. I'm always mystified how someone who lives alone, doesn't cook much and never gets the chance to entertain can create so much washing up!
The trick for the rest of the evening is definitely going to be relaxing but staying conscious til bedtime. If I get comfortable any time after around five pm I'm in danger of dozing off and I must try to sleep a normal nighttime shift in order to get up in time to meet Heidi and Ivor tomorrow. Fingers crossed QI will keep me upright...still not watched the first episode of the new series...
I give thanks that by early afternoon I felt able to get out of bed (the sun hits the pillow by then and can dazzle you if you're awake and wake you up if not!) And that I was capable of a few essential chores. I'm always mystified how someone who lives alone, doesn't cook much and never gets the chance to entertain can create so much washing up!
The trick for the rest of the evening is definitely going to be relaxing but staying conscious til bedtime. If I get comfortable any time after around five pm I'm in danger of dozing off and I must try to sleep a normal nighttime shift in order to get up in time to meet Heidi and Ivor tomorrow. Fingers crossed QI will keep me upright...still not watched the first episode of the new series...
Last night
Last night I wanted to express gratitude on here for clean skin in clean pajamas but after my shower I was too sleepy to do so although I felt and noted it. I also felt gratitude for the Bill Bryson book I'm reading. Well for Bill Bryson's writing generally. Like most I suffer from a form of the life limiting condition called snobbery...I know what I like and I know it's 'better' than what I don't! My experiences have tended to suggest that often the most popular things leave me unmoved to joy (Cadbury's Dairy Milk, Marks and Spencers, soaps, tabloids, team sport following etc etc) so increasingly I've shied away from 'best sellers' of every kind and I'm always slightly incredulous but quite delighted when they do. For one thing life's much simpler if you like culturally 'normal' things to like!
If it's a popular writer I decide is 'good' then, as a bit of a scribbler myself, I find it especially auspicious because it shows verbal skill is still practiced by a few and appreciated by many. I think it was Bob who first 'turned me on' to Bill Bryson when he bought me A Short History of Nearly Everything some years back (Excellent book! Excellent son...more gratitude!) This one I bought in a second hand shop a while back and rediscovered it still unread on my bookshelf when I moved some pictures and ornaments out of the way of the debris of decorating. It's a hardback but quite light and small and manageable for kitten wrists and mitten fingers. And it's called and is about Down Under which has reminded me I have an unfinished tale to tell but it will have to wait til later...the kitten wrists and mitten fingers are getting tired now and I haven't finished this one yet!
On my profile on here I have a film called Last Night listed which is a rather obscure but much praised Canadian film about the end of the world that doesn't concentrate on the reason on why this is happening or have a square jawed hero trying to save it. It concentrates on how ordinary people decide to deal with it and is funny and moving and has been a favourite of mine since I first saw it twelve years ago. I just found a link to some more info (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0156729/plotsummary) and I read it and wanted to watch it all over again! I would like to give thanks for all the pleasure it's given me over the years, and once more to Bob for tracking down a copy so it can continue to do so..
Lastly, for now, I want to give thanks to whatever is happening in my brain that is causing the creeping numbness as currently it is also making me very spaced out and mellow. People pay good money to get wobbly and laugh a lot and I get it for free...how good is that? Yes, I know...only partly good but this is a gratitude diary afterall!
If it's a popular writer I decide is 'good' then, as a bit of a scribbler myself, I find it especially auspicious because it shows verbal skill is still practiced by a few and appreciated by many. I think it was Bob who first 'turned me on' to Bill Bryson when he bought me A Short History of Nearly Everything some years back (Excellent book! Excellent son...more gratitude!) This one I bought in a second hand shop a while back and rediscovered it still unread on my bookshelf when I moved some pictures and ornaments out of the way of the debris of decorating. It's a hardback but quite light and small and manageable for kitten wrists and mitten fingers. And it's called and is about Down Under which has reminded me I have an unfinished tale to tell but it will have to wait til later...the kitten wrists and mitten fingers are getting tired now and I haven't finished this one yet!
On my profile on here I have a film called Last Night listed which is a rather obscure but much praised Canadian film about the end of the world that doesn't concentrate on the reason on why this is happening or have a square jawed hero trying to save it. It concentrates on how ordinary people decide to deal with it and is funny and moving and has been a favourite of mine since I first saw it twelve years ago. I just found a link to some more info (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0156729/plotsummary) and I read it and wanted to watch it all over again! I would like to give thanks for all the pleasure it's given me over the years, and once more to Bob for tracking down a copy so it can continue to do so..
Lastly, for now, I want to give thanks to whatever is happening in my brain that is causing the creeping numbness as currently it is also making me very spaced out and mellow. People pay good money to get wobbly and laugh a lot and I get it for free...how good is that? Yes, I know...only partly good but this is a gratitude diary afterall!
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
Home and sky
Home and dry
Today I give thanks for the fascinatingly changeable weather. I'm particularly grateful I experienced the dark sharp showers from indoors but the sunshine was more cosy warm than I inagined even though the wind kept whipping up a whole race of white horses' tails.
I'm grateful for making pancakes with fresh lemon and demerara sugar for my brunch...I didn't have much of an appetite this morning but I knew once I tasted the first bite I'd want to finish all the batter...
I'm grateful to Bob for sending a selection of indie dvds to watch plus the one of his indoor skydive...looking forward to that!
I give thanks for another great acupuncture session and that Rachel remembered to bring my share of the halva we didn't get round to at her tent last week...
And I'm also grateful for cwtching up on the sofa with a quilt and catch up TV when I got home again!
I'm grateful for making pancakes with fresh lemon and demerara sugar for my brunch...I didn't have much of an appetite this morning but I knew once I tasted the first bite I'd want to finish all the batter...
I'm grateful to Bob for sending a selection of indie dvds to watch plus the one of his indoor skydive...looking forward to that!
I give thanks for another great acupuncture session and that Rachel remembered to bring my share of the halva we didn't get round to at her tent last week...
And I'm also grateful for cwtching up on the sofa with a quilt and catch up TV when I got home again!
Monday, 12 September 2011
OMG!
I just saw a proper GP! One who listens, looks at your previous notes for relevant information, examines you thoroughly, makes sensible decisions and takes appropriate action. Of course, after all this I had to explain that falling off my chair wasn't part of the problem! Seriously though, I know I'm a whingey bitch where doctors are concerned but after today's consultation I remembered why. I remembered what it's supposed to be like. You're supposed to feel that someone who knows better than you is taking care of you aren't you? I've racked my brains and I can't remember the last time it felt like that seeing a doctor. Much gratitide for the experience at last!
I also give thanks for the lovely weather I experienced. It was bright albeit blustery and not too cold when I left and by the time I came out of the surgery the wind had died down and it was actually really warm and pleasant enough for a cuppa outside.
Finally today I express gratitude for an exchange in a 2008 musical interview I've just watched with Glen Tilbrook and Chris Difford from Squeeze. Chris was asked if having contentment and everything going well in your life actually made song writing harder. He replied (laughing of course) that he'd never had that so he didn't know! Classic...
I also give thanks for the lovely weather I experienced. It was bright albeit blustery and not too cold when I left and by the time I came out of the surgery the wind had died down and it was actually really warm and pleasant enough for a cuppa outside.
Finally today I express gratitude for an exchange in a 2008 musical interview I've just watched with Glen Tilbrook and Chris Difford from Squeeze. Chris was asked if having contentment and everything going well in your life actually made song writing harder. He replied (laughing of course) that he'd never had that so he didn't know! Classic...
Dumb and number
This morning I give thanks that I'm finally up and showered and dressed. I wrote that and realised it was actually one fifteen but you get my drift! I called the Jobcentre first thing of course and spoke quite quickly to someone nice, polite and sympathetic person so maybe I dialled the wrong number! They said they'd get someone to call me back within the next three hours and a different nice, polite and sympathetic person did call me back within the stated time and told me...they couldn't tell me whether I needed to do a work assesment or not and had forwarded the query to Atos who would get back to them in 48hrs so to ring again after that. Both the nice polite sympathetic people I spoke to said that as far as they were aware no one who has already submitted a DS1500 should have to do anything but wait quietly at home until they pop their clogs but they would need to check my case with Atos.
It's worth looking up Atos if you're into horror stories...They are so bad they are even banned in the US! They tend to overturn doctor's and consultant's reports in favour of a physical test to see if you can do things like pick up a pound coin and a questionnaire a bit like those ones we had in girly magazines when I was a teenager to determine your personality or if 'it's love' or whatever only this is to determine if you're capable of 'some' work. The whole point of course is to put you on a lower rate of benefit so it doesn't matter to them if you are actually going to be able to get and keep a job to support yourself, although it's a tad counterproductive for the government if you lose your home before you go into a hospice and end up on housing benefit. Anyway fingers crossed for me that as far as they are concerned I'm still dying eh?
I was in a lot of pain in the night so was able to stay awake and fret some more but this afternoon I've managed to get an appointment to see someone about the bits that aren't hurting but going numb. I'm sure it was Debbie (hello Debbie!)said once that if you're hurting you're alive and having already suffered small strokes I know that, although more comfortable, numb is actually scarier than pain. As my left side has been the weakest link for so long it's both worrying and inconvenient to have my right side competing for attention in this department. I'm seeing a doctor I haven't seen before...a fresh eye for a fresh problem. Well that's my theory anyway...
While waiting for the phone to ring this morning I turned on the TV and there was a programme about a British woman who began writing to an inmate on death row and then talking to him on the phone and then getting 'engaged' before going over to meet him. Total fruit cake obviously and particularly demonstrated this by telling her daughters that he worked on a farm and the reason her snaps of him all showed orange clothes, manacles and chains were because he was in fancy dress. Now why would you think it was OK to tell your daughters you were going to marry a man you'd never met who liked to impersonate a prisoner? I mean wouldn't that be weirder than wanting to marry a prisoner? Second gratitude of the day for hearing about that dumb idea! It's going in my next letter to Kostas ha ha!
It's worth looking up Atos if you're into horror stories...They are so bad they are even banned in the US! They tend to overturn doctor's and consultant's reports in favour of a physical test to see if you can do things like pick up a pound coin and a questionnaire a bit like those ones we had in girly magazines when I was a teenager to determine your personality or if 'it's love' or whatever only this is to determine if you're capable of 'some' work. The whole point of course is to put you on a lower rate of benefit so it doesn't matter to them if you are actually going to be able to get and keep a job to support yourself, although it's a tad counterproductive for the government if you lose your home before you go into a hospice and end up on housing benefit. Anyway fingers crossed for me that as far as they are concerned I'm still dying eh?
I was in a lot of pain in the night so was able to stay awake and fret some more but this afternoon I've managed to get an appointment to see someone about the bits that aren't hurting but going numb. I'm sure it was Debbie (hello Debbie!)said once that if you're hurting you're alive and having already suffered small strokes I know that, although more comfortable, numb is actually scarier than pain. As my left side has been the weakest link for so long it's both worrying and inconvenient to have my right side competing for attention in this department. I'm seeing a doctor I haven't seen before...a fresh eye for a fresh problem. Well that's my theory anyway...
While waiting for the phone to ring this morning I turned on the TV and there was a programme about a British woman who began writing to an inmate on death row and then talking to him on the phone and then getting 'engaged' before going over to meet him. Total fruit cake obviously and particularly demonstrated this by telling her daughters that he worked on a farm and the reason her snaps of him all showed orange clothes, manacles and chains were because he was in fancy dress. Now why would you think it was OK to tell your daughters you were going to marry a man you'd never met who liked to impersonate a prisoner? I mean wouldn't that be weirder than wanting to marry a prisoner? Second gratitude of the day for hearing about that dumb idea! It's going in my next letter to Kostas ha ha!
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Distant drums
Phew! My all time favourite invention has got to be lying down. I discovered it so late in life as well...I must do loads of catching up immediately!
Thirdly today I give thanks for feeling too weak and feeble to go out, or get far with anything at home. My immune system's been struggling to deal with conveyer belt of infections it's used to so with a new one on the go it is beginning to insist on some help in the form of shutting down unnecessary systems like standing up, moving around, sitting upright, staying awake etc! Never mind...I didn't have anything pressing to do except the ironing, ha ha! And as long as I don't change my clothes or bedclothes I don't need anything ironed, and both those activities seem far too energetic just now to worry about so no worries...
As I need to keep what's left of my kidney function functioning I do get some variety from watching the inside of my eyelids by making trips to the kitchen and bathroom so no risk of bed sores yet. I shall just carry on chilling a while...I'm grateful fourthly that all the occupants of all the flats in the terrace seem to have had the same idea so far today - even the young drummer across the road has only just picked up his rhythm sticks.
Lastly I give thanks for a fridge full of lovely fresh things to eat as this morning I went really mad and got up and let the Tesco man in!
Thirdly today I give thanks for feeling too weak and feeble to go out, or get far with anything at home. My immune system's been struggling to deal with conveyer belt of infections it's used to so with a new one on the go it is beginning to insist on some help in the form of shutting down unnecessary systems like standing up, moving around, sitting upright, staying awake etc! Never mind...I didn't have anything pressing to do except the ironing, ha ha! And as long as I don't change my clothes or bedclothes I don't need anything ironed, and both those activities seem far too energetic just now to worry about so no worries...
As I need to keep what's left of my kidney function functioning I do get some variety from watching the inside of my eyelids by making trips to the kitchen and bathroom so no risk of bed sores yet. I shall just carry on chilling a while...I'm grateful fourthly that all the occupants of all the flats in the terrace seem to have had the same idea so far today - even the young drummer across the road has only just picked up his rhythm sticks.
Lastly I give thanks for a fridge full of lovely fresh things to eat as this morning I went really mad and got up and let the Tesco man in!
All work and no play
This morning I give thanks that I managed to stay awake til the end of X Factor last night. I don't mean to imply it was boring, it's just I was so tired! I tried watching an episode of Come Dine With Me I'd recorded afterwards but try as I might I could not get past the pudding without dozing off until the credits were rolling and thus missing the score. I rewinded it twice and the same thing happened and next thing I knew it was past midnight and I still hadn't amended my Tesco order for today to include fish fingers...I've been hammering that packet this week so it was essential I roused myself enough for that! In writing this paragraph I stopped to check something and discovered that both the BBC and ITV catch up systems have finally sorted something out with non apple android systems (or vice versa) so we can watch their progs properly on our less mainstream devices. Second gratitude of the day for that!
Of course after missing most of the evening in the land of nod I was then awake most of the night finding horror stories on the internet about people dragged from chemo wards and even hospice beds to come for work assessments...of people dying in poverty and distress before their appeals were heard. Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against the idea of less able people working, it would be good to be of some use to someone and less of a burden on society but there's only a few unpredictable hours a week I'm capable of doing anything more than essentials and so few actual jobs I'd be able to do. I had to give up volunteer work as I couldn't guarantee being well enough to be in the right place at the right time. Most days I can't get somewhere local to do something for leisure and let's face it if I was well enough for work I'd be playing wouldn't I?
Laura was trying to cheer me up yesterday by telling me things I could do for a job...like thinking up names for paint colours. I'm going to check if there's any vacancies in my areas right now, ha ha!
Of course after missing most of the evening in the land of nod I was then awake most of the night finding horror stories on the internet about people dragged from chemo wards and even hospice beds to come for work assessments...of people dying in poverty and distress before their appeals were heard. Don't get me wrong, I've nothing against the idea of less able people working, it would be good to be of some use to someone and less of a burden on society but there's only a few unpredictable hours a week I'm capable of doing anything more than essentials and so few actual jobs I'd be able to do. I had to give up volunteer work as I couldn't guarantee being well enough to be in the right place at the right time. Most days I can't get somewhere local to do something for leisure and let's face it if I was well enough for work I'd be playing wouldn't I?
Laura was trying to cheer me up yesterday by telling me things I could do for a job...like thinking up names for paint colours. I'm going to check if there's any vacancies in my areas right now, ha ha!
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