Friday, 18 August 2017

Haven't a clue

I give thanks for continuing to feel really quite remarkably well. I should probably be grateful I'd still be capable of good times, if opportunities were still to be had... But I'm also grateful they are thin on the ground now as my state of mind remains pretty poor.

I give thanks I've been less tearful the last couple of days, becoming more numb, but I can't imagine maintaining cheerful for more than the odd minute or two. I give thanks for those moments... Like when I was watching storm clouds hurtling towards us and then the most tempestuous shower with sideways trees and rain. And then some rumbling thunder. I give thanks I get so much pleasure from weather - it's free and it's always there.

I give thanks for using my energy cooking nice things for myself...and cleaning up, plus knitting, sewing and crochet, sorting out laundry and stuff for the charity shop, with shiatsu and yoga in between when there's room - sorting out being a messy business.

I give thanks for everyone not giving me advice about what I should feel or do. This is most appreciated as I'm sorry you haven't a clue! If you're there somewhere and care, cups of tea are welcome (but with cake not sympathy in case I start crying again), or trips to nice places to make up for the fact that soon I'll be spending half my days making trips to the hospital...unless I can sell my flat and find somewhere to live where I could have treatment at home instead. Or just feel at home in between.

I give thanks for finding a couple of books I'd like to read, one at a bargain price on ebay and one at the library. I give thanks the latter would like a couple of crosswords again...though unfortunately my puzzle brain doesn't seem to be working at the moment and I haven't a clue either!

Thursday, 17 August 2017

Dark matters

I give thanks for staring into space, I've been doing a lot of that today. For trying to think as little as possible as my mind is coming up with stuff best not dwelt upon. For limiting even virtual speech in case the dark thoughts sneak out into words. It's bad enough that I feel bad, I don't want to spread it round.

I give thanks for the heavy rain last night - if you just want to curl up and suck your metaphorical thumb that's a fine meteorological condition! For listening to the wind in the trees this morning, the scaffolders clattering around down the street, whistling and male bonding. That the world keeps on turning and people have good things going on.

I give thanks for the soft caress of fresh sheets, and getting the clean ones pressed while still damp. For the smell of hot the smell of sun on your skin.  I give thanks for grabbing some lunch and grabbing a few minutes of that before the clouds and showers returned. For a random smoke trailed aerobatic loop out over the sea...and the tankers lining up to come through the shallows at high tide.

I give thanks for a previously unwatched episode of Red Dwarf where Kryten has a mid life mech crisis, and tells the universe who then has one too. That though the future's looking kind of dim, at least mid is a long time gone...

Wednesday, 16 August 2017

Loved by me

I give thanks for a wonderful treat last night - the guys upstairs were both out for a while. The way they like to live their lives means this very rarely happens, but the way I like to live mine is without overhearing someone overhead all the time (or them overhearing me) so, though on the whole I think being reminded what you're missing is not a good thing when you can't have more, last night it was very welcome to have a little outer peace to help me find some inside myself. Not that I did anything particularly spectacular with it but it I enjoyed and I had a laugh at Catchphrase, and enjoyed the unaccompanied Croatian klapa singing which moved the unlikely audience of Coach Trip travellers as much as me, and it was nice to do that unaccompanied by the neighbours...

I give thanks for the first brief seconds when you wake up and even though you may have many woes and troubles, momentarily they haven't had time to fill your mind. For the first cup of fragrant Earl Grey tea from a new packet. The Co-op's 'Loved by us' sort is my favourite. It's Fair Trade (allegedly) and I like to think I'm not causing too much pain to others in my quest for it reminds me that a safe and suitable home to deal with deteriorating health as comfortably as possible is a first world luxury, not a human right.

I give thanks for a tiny girl with a bright pink bucket and a nimble toed old lady dancing to the buskers on the Triangle who let the love flow to brown eyed girls who've got what it takes. For the GP's receptionist entertaining the waiting patients with a story of a less than helpful ECG administered by a handsome young medic who had her pacy pulse (which was the cause of the examination) racing out of control when he had to adjust her bosom to attach the sensors to her chest. I give thanks for loitering in the sunshine with a swirl of Swiss patisserie, and managing not to linger with either the person who wanted me to come to a bible study class nor the one who wanted to discuss dire dialysis tales whilst puffing smoke at me.

I give thanks for buzzy Rachel managing to find time in her busy schedule to dash over and give me a spot of acupuncture. I'm aware I'm rather needy at the moment and give thanks I understand other people don't need that. For giving myself lots of love and attention and tenderness and care.

Tuesday, 15 August 2017

Live long and prosper

I give thanks for all the holiday makers enjoying the seaside sun, for realising despite my desperate urge for a day or two away while there's still a little bit of summer I'm feeling too sad to do it on my own...and of course one of the sadnesses is I'd have to. On the other hand I give thanks on behalf of everyone I know that this is the case as I really would not be a shiny happy person to be with just now.

I give thanks for sitting half way up the steps going nowhere, where no one really notices you, and if your face crumples with tears you can turn towards the tamarisk and try not to let it show. I give thanks when I realised I'd left my cardigan somewhere I worked out where and it was still there.

I give thanks for Julie's delight at the new vegan cafe's offerings including six or seven types of cake. I had a chocolate and raspberry torte which I'm sure was bad for me but pretty much everything is, you know, and it really was delicious!

I give thanks for having her company on the journey to and fro. For finding some things to discuss and even joke about as well as the things that aren't funny. For the consultant whom I'd not seen before being quite pleasant and helpful and, unusually, seeming to have some grasp of the concept that there are folk who are not only incurably ill, but incurably poor and alone as well, and for whom it is an especially stony downhill road to be stumbling and tumbling along.

I give thanks for Mima and Jan sending me good luck messages this morning. Some good luck would be a wonderful thing for sure! For the neighbours being quiet since I got home so I guess that's some. For being able to weep myself to sleep in peace, wake up and do it all over again. Even talking to myself seems beyond me this evening so I give thanks I can shut down my brain with recorded TV, a book and a bath til I feel more capable again. Live long and prosper readers, the alternative is not recommended at all.

Monday, 14 August 2017

Pulling the rug out

I give thanks for remembering when I feel that I simply cannot deal with something on my own, that it is just a feeling and I can and I will because there's actually no other option. Haha...and I give thanks for just writing that and hearing Rachel isn't coming tonight, just when I was almost relying on some comforting conversation and a soothing restorative treatment to set me up for the appointment tomorrow morning I'm dreading so much. See, now if I hadn't just been reminding myself how tough and independent I am, I might have been disappointed... Oh, and actually, as I'd planned to make one of my favourite meals and have been looking forward to it for hours I can give thanks I can have it early too!

Of course we're all on our own really, we're all all we've got, but I give thanks for everyone for whom it doesn't seem like that, who feel as if there's at least someone on their side, at least some of their lives anyway.

I give thanks for keeping telling myself most doctors most of the time don't mean most patients harm, and some of them some of the time don't mean to be intimidating and/or patronising either... I give thanks I even understand statistically and psychologically they are more likely to act that way when the patient is very obviously very much on their own - even if they themselves aren't aware of this! Sometimes it's easier for them to remember you're a real person, not just a bundle of notes and bodily functions, when they see another person treating you as real I guess...

Meanwhile I give thanks for bustling about with domestic chores, including taking the recycling out to freshly emptied bins, enjoying the mild sunshine and wondering whether to go out further for a while before it suddenly started raining again so curling up on the sofa under a cuddly rug to watch subtitled TV and snivel instead. I don't know whether to be grateful someone's removed all the carpet from the communal stairs and landings or not. It could be the sign some long overdue refurbishment may be about to start, or it could be some kind of punishment for suggesting it ought to. Living here it's hard to be sure of anyone's intentions...

Sunday, 13 August 2017

Close to the edging

When I feel like I can't go on, and all of my hope is gone, I give thanks I can reach out for...butter and sugar and flour and eggs! Last night I was craving the solace of apple and blueberry pudding so deeply though I ate too much too quickly too hot and gave myself indigestion. Oh well, most comforts come with more than one price tag don't they?

I give thanks though I kept waking up in the night I kept going back to sleep again.

I give thanks for some bright warm sunshine in between the clouds and despite the nippy old wind. For having shopping and lost property to pick up in town and escape the very audible grumpiness of the neighbours for a while. For Mima offering refreshments on her sheltered patio, and making a flask to take to brave the breezy seafront when the shadows had crept too high up the walls for us to enjoy the sun any more.

I give thanks for Bob sending me a message thanking me for his Christmas present while he was enjoying it. No not the jumper, the ticket to Boomtown! This, as any mother or festival goer will appreciate, is great dedication to gratitude...and as I've been feeling so glum was particularly appreciated too.

I give thanks for working out how to do the edge on whatever this is. I much prefer making up my own designs to copying other people's, but of course you do have to work out what the pattern is instead of merely following instructions...

Saturday, 12 August 2017

Turn turn turn

Um...gosh...tough one today (or five)...

I give thanks for Earl Grey tea in the morning, with toasted rye bread and butter...

For chivvying myself repeatedly, though not remorselessly, to keep moving beyond the lethargy and lack of motivation and find things I could convince myself I needed to do. Sometimes it really is a challenge for even the most inventive mind to find a point!

For finding out I'm not the only one sensing autumn in the air the last few days... though hopefully I am alone in finding the prospect deeply bleak. It's not that I don't love mists and fruitfulness and all the rest, it's other stuff about the turning season about which I feel less than mellow...

I give thanks that something I couldn't find and hoped I'd left in Mima's car the other night...was there and not lost in the woods! Perhaps I'll motivate myself and go and pick it up tomorrow, which would be good as I could maybe pick up some more Earl Grey teabags at the same time - stocks are getting scarily low!

I give thanks for a good book to read, though the fact I've finished it now probably adds to my being rather sad and dispirited. Sometimes when you come to the end of something you've really enjoyed it feels a bit like you've lost a friend, doesn't it?

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