Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Left and right

I'm grateful for having a jigsaw on the go so that after blogging yesterday I could sit and create some fragile temporary order in the chaos, and restore my mood a little. I was grateful to Rachel for driving over to give me acupuncture and food, and for making me a cup of tea as I sat at the puzzle so I felt extra nurtured too. I'm grateful Daryl had done most of the cooking so she could sit and put a few pieces together with me, a simple and soothing joint activity to accompany discussing the challenges we have surrounding needs left unmet, and trying to work out the right ways to proceed. 

I'm grateful a local radio was just that bit too loud to relax into my treatment, so I tried it with earplugs in and relaxed into it more than usual. 

I'm grateful for taking my earplugs out in the night to enjoy the quietness, while my unquiet body complained though gentle pushing of a Henry nozzle across a rug is permissible, vigorous and protracted wrestling with a broken one is not. For resolving to try to be less driven to try and fix the unfixable, to understand sometimes the right thing to do is to let everything be left to fall apart and fail. For thus resolving to attempt nothing today, even though of course I failed at that as well...

I'm grateful for the helpfulness of people in shops here and for someone I know a little from one stopping me in my grim determined laden trudge to offer me a hug. For taking a few minutes rest by the sea. For the neighbours becoming peaceful for a while after I got back. For receiving sad news when I was already sad...

I'm grateful for Tesco's Finest cauliflower cheese for tempting my jaded appetite, for my comforting quilt tempting me back to bed. I don't care if it's right or wrong... what's left of the day can do one!

Monday, 16 January 2017

Feel good fraction

I give thanks the day's been good in parts. For acknowledging and accepting my preference for parts that are good...and for finally, after much consideration, gleaning a few glimpses of gratitude to share.

I give thanks for feeling better physically. It's not all the time, but there are times when I actually forget all about my scaitic nerve altogether. That is wonderful, no ifs no buts or qualifying clauses.

I give thanks for being able to bustle about a bit with cleaning and so on this morning. For remembering, in a period I'd scheduled for rest and when the neighbours weren't being noisy, the Australian Open had started ...and for not having a tantrum when I realised there is no way to watch it on any non-subscription channels. I felt like having one at the frustration of a potential pleasure denied...but also felt rather annoyed with myself for minding. I try so hard not to have expectations and care about outcomes - not due to any Buddhist leanings but because so much of my life is about having to do without that which I'd really rather not, I'd really rather not care too much when I do.

Nonetheless, I still give a lot of thanks for finding an affordable offer on Eurosport Player! For the internet and earplugs and headphones and still believing somehow someday I'll get away from here...

I give thanks for appreciating the irony of getting up to get on with the last of the vacuuming and the hose breaking off in my hand. Attachments eh? Nothing but trouble they are! I give thanks I think I've found a fitting replacement on eBay at a price I can afford to squander if I'm wrong...that I'm cautiously optimistic by some means the package will make its way to my flat eventually, and the broken bit to a recycling facility one day.

I give thanks for the changing light on the sea and the trees as clouds come and go, the pretty tinted clouds after sunset and a gull wheeling on a thermal before darkness fell. And feeling rather sad this evening, I give thanks for remembering all things must pass...

Sunday, 15 January 2017

Cake walk

I give thanks for an unexpectedly appetising tea made with some very unpromising looking leftovers. It was so appatising I ate a hearty portion of pudding as well!

I give thanks for remembering I still had half a Planet Earth and a 'making of' still to see. Watching/listening to Gordon Buchanon is always a joy, and some of the animal filming was stunning, but it was these structures that stole the show for me. Half a lifetime ago Singapore had my eyes out on stalks...time to go back I think (wish).

I give thanks for finding the first series of Shetland on Amazon Video. Only SD so not really doing the landscape justice but only £1.89, and some other aspects to enjoy, including those accents of course.

I give thanks for a surprising (and welcome) amount of sleep, and a restful morning with Captain Corelli's violin. Poetic licence obviously, he wasn't really a captain and isn't actually playing these pieces, but he is does do a damn fine twiddly bit and I'm always partial to a literary allusion.

I give thanks for Mima driving me out to partake in a small amount of walking and a huge amount of excellent cake. At times I can move normally again now. They are short times but a source of much delight to me... and to experience one on a rather blustery damp day beside the sea was something for which I was exceedingly grateful.

Saturday, 14 January 2017

Twinkle toes

I give thanks for a visit from Mima bringing my embarrassingly first world Waitrose staples like marinated tofu, unwaxed lemons and a Higgedy pie. She's a very good personal shopper and very good company too so I even rustled up some pastries for lunch and I was grateful for that as well...another little step back towards 'normal' (well my version anyway!)

I give thanks though I'm moving increasingly frequently and freely we're saving that for a short jaunt tomorrow. At least that's the plan... Even having a plan to go out for pleasure is something to be grateful for...I've been cooped up so much the last few months I swear I'm growing feathers! I give thanks despite the fact there's still plenty of pain, as long as I do plenty of sitting (or better still lying down) between the standing and walking,  it's more of the whimper than the wail variety now...

I give thanks for changing the batteries in the fairy lights. What's that? You took your deckies down last weekend? Ah, but these are houseplant fairy lights they can twinkle any time of year. I give thanks for thinking of having those instead of the usual sort in December.

Friday, 13 January 2017

The lighting on the wall

I give thanks for the bright full moon last night, the twinkling lights of shipping sheltering in the bay. That the troublesome terrier next door saved its howling for the sun...

For catching up on domestic tasks and snooziness...and trifle... 
And people...virtually...

I give thanks for watching gulls tap dancing on the grass outside instead of pinching chips. For the shadow plant appearing and disappearing on my wall...

That's it for today folks! Short, but sweetish here and there...

Thursday, 12 January 2017

Less miserables

I was mystified when Laura rang me last night announcing 'Good news! Good news!' in a rather self satisfied way. I mean, I've heard a lot about the happy stuff going on in other people's lives over the last few days, and I'm grateful for their pleasure, and for their thinking to tell me about it, but she's a sensitive soul, she knows I feel lame and ashamed about not having glad tidings of my own to share, and this had almost the sound of a gloat. And then she revealed the reason she was pleased with herself was because she'd finished the cryptic crossword I'd put in her Christmas card (no hint buttons for her, ha ha!) and wanted to share the little epiphanies when she'd solved some of the clues. And then I felt rather self satisfied too as I realised I really had managed to create some enjoyment in someone else's life at a time there'd been so little in mine. Absolutely fabulously astonishing and I gave a lot of thanks for that...and even more when Jan said today she'd appreciated hers as well

I give thanks recently my wakefulness in the night has been more to do with being bored out of my unfortunately not so tiny mind as unbearable pain. The boredom that comes from physical limitation is painful too though in its way, and I give thanks the limitations aren't so bad I can't get up and get a cuppa in the night. I give thanks for the memories of adventures experienced, and allowing the occasional thought one day maybe more may be possible again. Not hopes, nor any kind of planning...they would seem far too risky ventures yet.

I give thanks for the cold rainy weather - no it didn't make me grateful to stay indoors, but it made still not being able to make it to bus stops and back to get to a hospital appointment a little less miserable making. On an intellectual level I am, of course, very grateful volunteer transport exists but for me personally being reliant on it creates a black hole into which all thankfulness in the surrounding hours is sucked. Dealing with issues regarding dependence and ill health is quite enough of a challenge without a hefty charge for enforced sedentary small talk too! Oh well, it's nice to have a change from listening to grumpy neighbours, to see a few different trees and patches of sky...

I give thanks for realising I was dragging my heels so much in moving towards going the image of a dog getting itself ready to go to the vet springing to mind! Also, though it may sound strange, for a spot of domestic drama requiring some vigorous physical intervention...because I found myself capable of the tasks involved and, though afterwards sore, I also also enjoyed the knowledge that I'd been able to do it at all.

I give thanks for making it through another difficult day, coming up with a few sharable things to say...and a plan to make the evening less miserable that includes a lot of hot water!

Wednesday, 11 January 2017

Piece by peace

I give thanks for listening to the wild wind in my wakefulness last night...and a bit of Bach baroqueness this morning to drown out less harmonious sounds. Then later when all the unharmonious sounds had ceased and I seemed to be home alone in both my block and the ones each side, for listening to the perfect peacefulness.

I give thanks for remembering, after Monday's curious episode, that I've said for years I want Basket Case played at my funeral...after Pachelbel's canon of course, as I love the way the two seem to demonstrate a major dichotomy in the entity that is me (but also because they don't - being actually just two workings of the same theme*) The plan has always been that I'd like people to dance like nobody's watching around my grave (not on it, it'll only be freshly dug and would soon become a very muddy mosh pit) but it dawned on me it would also be a fine way of checking I'm actually dead!

I give thanks for a few little opportunities to be useful in the last couple of days. Yesterday I suggested to a chilly shopkeeper surrounded by giftware that he used some of the bubblewrap I was sure some of the goods had been supplied in to put under his feet or seat - a trick I learnt as a market trader in a similar position. I was also able to take a bunch of registration forms to a woman hovering on the threshold of the doctor's surgery reception area with a dog she couldn't bring in. And today I completed a crossword for people who prefer their clues a little less convoluted...


I give thanks for the third day in a row there has been a hint or two that my sciatica may be actually on the mend. The pain and immobility have always fluctuated but I've not had three days in a row before during which I've felt an easing of its grip, a sense that I might be beating it into submission. Same with that brown study jigsaw as well!

*hear here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rDYBa-Hu0Gk)