Thursday, 29 September 2016

Back off

I give thanks for the pink grey of the cloudy dawn this morning. For a view of the sky from my bed. For sleeping better last night, and for being able to now lie on either side instead of being stuck on my back.

I give thanks no unnecessarily unneighbourly noise making for more than twenty four hours. I assume it's because of all the recent interaction, intervention and overly intimate overhearing but I have a particular craving to withdraw for a while from all but a little light online connection so the more peace in the vicinity the better. Maybe there's an astrological element - my horoscope keeps talking about a time of reflection, and a fellow aquarian normally quite contented with a bustly life has recently headed off into the wild green yonder. As I can't do that disappearing into my own headspace is the best way to charge my batteries I know...

I give thanks for some brief spaces of feeling less beset by pain and invalidity and using them to do some useful things like boiling an egg and making some toast, getting a load of washing on and then on the clothes horse, and getting the ladder out and going up and down it to fetch the broken fuse...which may get replaced later or may doesn't matter really as the loud people and dogs are back about their business so as I've finished the soup and sat on the sofa to watch Bake Off I think I'm back off to bed!

Wednesday, 28 September 2016

Power supply

I give thanks for power supplies to sockets and electrical appliances that plug in. Especially for lamps as this evening draws on, since a bulb has blown in my bathroom and blown the fuse for that circuit too. I generally give thanks for my resourcefulness but even I have failed to come up with a cunning plan to rectify this that doesn't involve moving ladders about and moving about on ladders... I also generally give thanks for my resilience, but for once I think resignation may be the better option here... I'm not going to even try ladders for a while!

There may be well be readers who have experienced a compressed nerve in the spine, and probably a long relatively recent abdominal wound...maybe even those who can relate to a newly sited ileal conduit and navel...but any who have dealt with the full concurrent set with no pain relief other than oral over the counter paracetamol and only brief ad hoc domestic assistance will particularly appreciate the fact that though I might seem exceptionally feeble just now, I am in fact incredibly strong. I give thanks for my awesomeness.

I give thanks for today's brief ad hoc assistance including an acupuncture treatment, a gift of flowers (and the trimming and setting up of said flowers in a vase on my bedroom chest of drawers), the making of a cup of tea and bringing of ingredients to make a pan of fresh leek and potato soup liberally laced with garlic and turmeric, the slicing of bread both to eat at the time and later, the changing a water filter, washing up, drying up and putting away. This may not seem brief but as the person involved had to fit it in around an hourly bus timetable and an afternoon at work it all took place in less than a couple of hours! I give thanks for Rachel's well thought out thoughtfulness and for the wonderful feeling of proper nourishment in my body for the first time in almost a week.

Tuesday, 27 September 2016

Hair and now

I give thanks for being home.

I could write that at least five times because there are several ways in which it pleases me. Of course there are ways in which my home fails to please these days too but they pale into insignificance beside the pleasures of some privacy,  access to food and drink I like, wireless internet, an orthopaedic unplastic covered mattress to lie on, relative autonomy, relative peace...a sense of choice and options.

I give thanks for seeing John seeming so well and for using some of this wellness coming to rescue me from the well meant but soul destroying clutches of the ward. For fresh air, the sight of hundreds of trees not just half a one, for having a conversation with someone I've known a very long time, for having a just right cup of tea made for me after having a just right pint of milk bought... And perhaps most wonderously, after being given some samples of shampoo and conditioner to try and jokingly responding that what I really needed was for someone to wash my hair...having my hair washed!

Monday, 26 September 2016

Better feelings

I give thanks for not just feeling better, but for other people who think they know better feeling that I am too!

For my companions on the ward feeling relatively well and in good spirits too, so that we've been able make each other's tender places sore with laughter. They are an intelligent, interesting and amusing bunch which I never thought you'd hear me say. I dreaded my fellow patients as much as anything else about being here... And I give thanks for some companionable conversable with staff and relatives too. Particularly for making would be serious consultants laugh. It's a pet project of mine...I'm sure it makes them feel better!

For being freed of tubes and wires so that I can walk about a bit, and being wheeled along to some stairs to practise walking up and down them. All this has made the pain I came in with return but I give thanks for meeting a lady similarly stricken so at least someone understands why I keep moving in strange ways to try to make it go away.

I give thanks for the offer of a lift home from John tomorrow especially as he has to drive a long way to do it. It will be good to be with someone I've known a long time, and with someone who knows what it's like to be not properly well for a long time too.

Sunday, 25 September 2016

Ill winds

Reports of my rapid recovery having been apparently exaggerated, I give thanks I wasn't ejected prematurely. I give thanks for feeling excessively sleepy rather than excessively ill and that people are doing what they can to make me better.

I give thanks for in between sleeping feeling quite bored...always a good sign I reckon. And for overhearing a fascinating phone call from the vet husband next door about some grass snake eggs he's been hatching which shows my brain would still work given some stimulation.

I give thanks for the shared enjoyment on the ward of a sudden brief squall of violent noisy wind hurling rain at the windows despite the bright blue sky.

I give thanks for the tender expressions of love and concern from loved ones. Waking wives and mothers with a soft word or kiss, bringing thoughtful though not always thoroughly thought through gifts, kind words... and awkward bluff and bluster from those who cannot say them.

I give thanks for finally, on the third day of asking, finding a member of staff who could promise and keep a few minutes to walk with me out to the corridor and back. It's not the pain in my tummy causing problems, that's mostly negligible. It's the combination of stroke hand, sciatica and all the tubes and wires to carry with me. It felt wonderful to be moving about!

Saturday, 24 September 2016

Slice of lime

Phew! It's good to be back... I'm always in a state of euphoria when I come round from an anaesthetic, as my last thought as I go under is that I won't! But it's always going to be downhill after that..

I give thanks for a bed with a view of part of an autumnal coloured tree that changes from lime to gold with different light and tosses in the wind. And for a sliver of pink sunset one evening too...

I give thanks for the wonderful staff here... How they manage to stay so cheerful, unflustered and competent I don't know as there are not nearly enough of them...

I give thanks for finally getting some sleep last night and today. I need my rest at the best of times and a hospital is not the best place for it. I give thanks finally this evening I feel as if I might start feeling myself again soon... For the people who've been in touch and those who've not.. And for not having visitors. It's hard to find any 'space' in here and, not feeling very chatty, just listening to other people talk to each other is enough. Love listening to the old gentleman reading to his poorly wife in the bed next door though...

I give thanks for Bob's excellent blog writing while I've been out of action... His grasp of what really constitutes good fortune, and that he appreciates this is an inheritance that can't be squandered as the more you use it the more you get...

Friday, 23 September 2016

Normal service to resume in 3... 2...

Today's update, and Gabi is tired from the operation and a busy night but still doing fine! She's hard at work resting for the evening and will be back tomorrow to take the helm again.

So my things for today... I'm always thankful for this but definitely give thanks for not having to follow the drudgery of a normal life, I'm certainly not cut out for doing a boring job day in, day out, and being able to follow my creative pursuits is pretty close to living the dream! Whether it's making semi-musical noise, building bizarre instruments out of Speak & Spells and Cybermen, just selling Lego, or any one of my other random ideas that I'm always trying to follow up on. I may not have lots of free time, but my time is my own.

I'm thankful for being blessed with a creative mind. I can't imagine what it would be like to be uncreative, I almost believe that everyone has it inside them but maybe only some actually listen to their ideas! 

Certainly thankful for music, because it's been and will continue to be such a big part of my life. It brings me so much joy, goosebumps, gave me a proper sense of direction, and through writing and performance boosted my confidence and helped me go to unusual places and meet lots of interesting people. 

It seems to be a theme to find something to find the good in something that you're not actually all that thankful for, so I'm going to be thankful for my room being too small for me, because it's helping me to focus and downsize. It's easy to fill up a space with random stuff and have lots of projects going on at once and I certainly did that several times over! Without the space to leave half-finished things lying around the place, I will be able to concentrate on one or two at once. Or three or four. But no more than that.

And finally, I'm thankful for my mum! Thankful that she's still here after going through so much, raised me effectively, and all those other things that sons aren't very good at saying. She's been through a lot but still manages to keep going and find a new 5 things every day.