Tuesday 28 February 2017

So la la power

Yikes the pain was painy last night! I thought I'd never get to sleep but I felt so mellow after my acupuncture I drifted off no trouble at all...and then I went to bed! I give thanks for good company, good food, and help eating something very naughty to save me from too much sin...

I give thanks for waking up lateish still very ouchy but still feeling at peace with the world and with plenty of vigour and vim so that I was soon out of bed making tea and toast and therefore heard the phone ring a little after nine and could talk to the EPC man. Last night I'd taken my smiley daze internet shopping which resulted in buying another new jigsaw, a second hand novel and an appointment for an energy efficiency assessment! Not being able to move much has put a halt on the process of moving but as this is something that will need to be done, and though the estate agents can organise it it's separate to their own processes and fees, I reckoned it's a step in the right direction...along with the steady trickle of unwanted items to recycling skips and charity shops outstripping the steady trickle of new ones coming in.


I give thanks for getting all the items on my to do in town list done...including a sit down on the seafront with sunshine, takeaway tea and a flapjack. For the streaming manes of white horses as the waves broke over the shoals, and a Hercules (I think) slow turning low over the Ness to drone its way up the estuary. I give thanks for coming home to a flat so warm I thought I must have left a heater on but, even better, it was solar power coming through the windows...before the rain came down again.

I give thanks for a quiet afternoon with biscuits and new books to look at (including two kindly donated by Ann and two ordered on line by me) trying to subdue that surplus restlessness I still have, and still love...and don't know what to do with!

Monday 27 February 2017

Pressing matters

I give thanks for two nights in a row with lots of sleep. The spare bed is so comfy it usually does the trick but I'm not sure my back finds it such a good idea - ouch! I give thanks though there's stuff I need to go out and do, it didn't have to be today...And that though there's stuff that needed to be done indoors that didn't all have to be today either...

I give thanks for finishing the ironing - more ouch but I do like a bit of smooth on my bed! For wrestling the crisp clean covers on. For finishing cleaning the kitchen too, plus a quick spruce of the loo, so all the bits that Rachel will have anything to do with are acceptably attended to.

I give thanks for idle browsing on the internet showing me men putting on hi tech jetsuits and flying in formation with planes
http://twistedsifter.com/2016/11/jetman-dubai-fly-with-french-acrobatic-patrol/

and men putting on decorative costumes and make-up they may have traveled hundreds of miles for the materials to make, to dance in hopes of being chosen by the women.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-39070587

There are so many ways to live on this little planet...so many ways to be a human being. And so much of what we perceive of as correct behaviour is so arbitrary it's no wonder sometimes we forget what really being and behaving well is about!

I give thanks for looking out on the lovely day, wishing to be out there and resisting. For the sudden passing darkness of clouds and squalls and not minding missing those bits that much at all...

Sunday 26 February 2017

Little dahlings

I give thanks for my adventures with dahl which, apart from red lentils, garlic and onions has no set ingredients the way I make it just whatever comes to hand or mind at the time. This time I had not only fresh garlic, ginger and turmeric root but, for the first time in a life of longing for one, a stone pestle and mortar, so there were crunchy ground cardamom seeds as well. I give thanks thanks for a special offer at Argos and a very tasty tea!

My sciatic nerve being in a right strop I give thanks for an early night to bed on the sofa starting to catch up with bits of good stuff on TV...until I started catching up on sleep instead.

My pain levels still being unwieldy this morning I give thanks for doing my best to enjoy a long lie in with basil tofu on toast (don't knock it til you've tried it!) Life would be much easier if my back could make it clearer what it likes and what it doesn't at the time but I give thanks for it reminding me of those petulant types (we've all known at least one!) who secretly store up dissatisfaction to hurl at bewildered transgressors in accusations of 'You're always doing this!' or 'You never do that!' when tempers are lost. If I could be warned by at least a sharp intake of breath when I undertake some unwise manoeuvre I could at least consider not doing it, depending on what it is of course...

I give thanks for a feeling of wellness and wellbeing all the same, and bustling about with chores in short shifts between lounging in the lounge for TV and reading and more contented little naps while the weather was inclement outdoors...

I give thanks for Mima lending me some books. I'm near the end of a very well chosen hardback bought for me, but it's hard to hold sometimes and she lent me a very small paperback which is light relief in more ways than one, almost as if Uncle Oswald had been written by teenage girls in the very early sixties.

Saturday 25 February 2017

The Real Meal Deal

Well, who would've thought it? After one of the best days I've had for a long time I had one of the best nights to follow! My guardian angel's had a lot of leeway in recent months and about time she turned up for a double shift in lieu!

I give thanks Colin was joking when he said he'd booked a table for dinner. I mean don't get me wrong, there would have been nothing wrong if he'd not been, but I had a yen for informal fish and chips and a pot of tea, so it was nice to be able to have just that. I give thanks though I was sure he was joking when he said he'd brought me flowers actually he wasn't and I've three vases full of daffodils opening in that cheery way they have. I was most touched!

I give thanks for enjoying an alcoholic beverage in a pub. All that practice with sherry trifle paid off and I managed a whole glass of Bailey's with the greatest of ease and no untoward effects! The last time I finished what anyone else would call a drink it was last March in Inverness, before that I can't remember! Oh and I give thanks we had a quiet seat on a sofa by a fire. It was a mild night and not necessary for warmth but very pleasant for social cosiness...

I give thanks for the pain being manageable, and with an arm to hang onto managing to walk around between venues and the car, even when we had to park on the next street when we came home. I give thanks though various neighbours were very audible before I left, they were later either out, out for the count, or stunned into silence by how much sound actually carries between the dwellings... Well if I helped to increase their knowledge in these matters I give thanks for that as well!


I give thanks for the grey weather here after being out to appreciate the sunniness yesterday. For appreciating a dozy rather inactive afternoon, and that due to one thing and another (including a Finest Meal Deal from Tescos) the most cooking I've done for almost 48 hrs is boiling an egg and toasting a few slices of bread. I split a slice of prosecco and raspberry cheesecake between second breakfast and afternoon tea and had mushroom, leek and brie filo pie for lunch. Might go mad and cook dahl for tea tho! I've started and that usually means I'll finish...


Friday 24 February 2017

TGI MRIday

I give thanks for making some tasty feta pastries for my tea, full of munchie business like peppers and olives and basil. For serving those over sugared flapjacks with some tart berries and cream - very nice indeed! Do to yourself as you would have others do to you is a fine motto for those who can't offer much that others would like, and are kinda short on having good things done as well...

I give thanks for trying my best to get to sleep with meditative practices, paracetamol and arrangement and rearrangement of limbs but neither my body nor my mind were having any of it so I also give thanks for a good book to read until early morning. And for not having to get up especially early for today's appointment, though another couple of hours in bed would have been very welcome.

I give thanks for a glorious day for a drive out, and for someone to drive me! For seeing snowdrops at last! For being so brightly and politely unimpressed at being told the scans were scheduled with a half hour wait before your alloted slot (and to expect another forty mins to process the procedure) that they popped me into a no show gap and I was called to the unit before I'd even sat in a chair! For the good humour and kindliness of the chaps who did the deed...and of Mima who was called back to collect me before she'd even settled down to shop!

I give thanks for thinking of a scenic nearby spot for lunch with a very convenient parking space, a free table for two and super quick service. For lots of laughter and cake to take home...for a cup of tea and more of the same!

I give thanks for being curled up under the covers now having a much needed rest of sore bits before more sociability unexpectedly planned for tonight.




Thursday 23 February 2017

That's better!

I give thanks for soft Lush bathwater soothing my body and smoothing my skin. For losing my landlocked troubles in the last few hudred miles of the round the world voyage. I've enjoyed a few sailing books which might seem strange as I don't, but they always have lots of wind and weather and sea and sky in them and that's always fine by me. And there's something about the narrowing of focus that brings to the writer an awareness of detail in what they see and feel which I find most absorbing.

I give thanks for short sleeps in a long night of pain. For a kindly dream of nothing hurting in any way at all. It was Christmas and my sister had brought a series of specially shaped and decorated cakes she'd made for us to eat on different days. The 'us' was unspecified but there was definitely a sense that they'd be shared. I give thanks for sending some metta to my siblings where ever they may be. I hope they were happier after I was gone, though it seems to me now I've seen more of life that blame and censure are produced by the person feeling them not the behaviour or attributes of the person they feel it towards. And folk do kind of enjoy thinking they're better than others don't they? Well, there's certainly a lot of ways in which a lot of people might think they're better than me so I give thanks I'm probably still providing lots of satisfaction!


I give thanks for the howl and whistle of the wind today, watching it whip up the little wavetops. I wanted so much to feel it buffet my body and tug at my hair but I give thanks I don't have to shimmy up any masts to deal with sheets and sails...

I give thanks to Ann for very thoughtfully offering to send me a couple of novels by an author she likes. I wouldn't say I'd read anything at the moment, but I'd give almost anything a try whilst there's so few other favourite wastes of time a possibility.

Cue music (and some nice pictures of sunsets, seas and trees)...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D4u2pSQulDE

I give thanks for everyone who read the title of my post and had a moment of thinking there'd been something seeming better for me! I wish...oh, how I wish...I wish in a way I wish you never will know! I give thanks Mima is taking me for my MRI tomorrow. Plan A for an outing this week had been to go for a swim in a pool not far from here that's indoors but with lots of glass in the roof and walls so there's a fresh air sort of air about it. Oh the best laid plans of mice and men and women eh?

Wednesday 22 February 2017

Flopping 'eck

I give thanks for my busy mind and buzzy body...if only my body could be busy too! There's only so much twiddling of fingers round knitting wool and turning over a new leaf a person can do before they mind very much indeed! I give thanks for the pain being bad and good yesterday evening, as in too bad to do anything but the essential assembly and demolishment of food, which is good because I couldn't attempt anything I couldn't do if you see what I mean...

It kept me awake well into the early morning so I give thanks for finding a gripping French drama on All4 so I could lose my discomfort with the discomfort a little in that. I give thanks for all the times I think I just can't stand it any longer, because every time somehow I do...

Today I give thanks for feeling well again and full of get up and go, even if going more than a few paces at a time has been profoundly unwise as indeed was getting up more than a few times too. For lots of leftovers so not too much groaning over a chopping board and hot stove...

I give thanks the French thing is a 6 parter...so more distraction from dissatisfaction. For being able to succumb to one of the afternoon's infuriatingly persistent desires and eat flapjacks...by getting up and making some! They're something I've never made well and haven't attempted for years so didn't hold out much hope for these but they're quick and cheap, and I reckoned it wouldn't be too much waste of effort or ingredients if they turned out flopjacks instead.  I was missing a tin to cook them in, but vaguely adapted a recipe I found on line to fit something I had, and though too sweet for my taste they turned out an excellent texture so will have to try again soon while I remember what I did wrong and do it better next time! I give thanks sometimes a spoonful of sugar makes up for no medicine a bit anyway...

Tuesday 21 February 2017

Unheard university

Well...after feeling as if things were, if not positive, at least promising for a lot of yesterday, and then as the afternoon turned into evening ending up so defeated, I found something to be grateful for in that I stopped wishing I could do stuff, stopped trying to do stuff, stopped trying to turn things better and thus finding I'd only turned them worse. I give thanks for burying foam plugs into my ears (resisting the temptation to take them out and identify the relentless sounds from upstairs that filtered through the barrier - knowing learning exactly what it was they were doing wouldn't have made it any less annoying) and burying my nose in two quite different books. I give thanks for books! I'll give even more if the ones I've ordered turn up soon...things are getting a little desperate in that department!

I give thanks for remembering to feel compassion - people may seem to be thoughtless, or heartless or unkind but may have disappointments and difficulties of their own on their mind. And also how fortunate it is I don't have anyone to tell my truth of things to, not the whole truth anyway...though maybe a word or two slips out here and there. Some things are probably better left unsaid. And some things are definitely better unheard. And what's the whole truth anyway...

I give thanks for a bit more sleeping last night and for waking up a bit less hurting...so that I could go out and deal with some of the logistics of existence before being immobilised again. I give thanks I've learnt the emotional pain caused by the physical sort is actually less than the emotional pain of feeling OK for a while and being aware it's a fleeting false reprieve and none of the things I'd like to do are going to be actually possible. It's the perkiness that's hardest to deal with now, not the pole-axedness!

I give thanks for the sound of lawnmowers and the smell of new cut grass. For a cup of tea beside the sea, though my goodness sand is a challenge to walk on when walking itself is hard! I give thanks I can take my sore body and head back to bed and give up on this day...

Monday 20 February 2017

Wind up merchant

Mmm...I give thanks for a cracking crumple last night with toffee tasting light muscavado, toasted almonds and cream. I give thanks I can make puddings any time and any way I want and call them whatever I choose!

I give thanks for a courier following instructions, and with good humour too. For tales of woe from a dialysis hating neighbour increasing my determination to get my back fixed and learn to run fast again - another thing not a lot of people know I used to be able to do.

Struggling to think of something to do with my pent up energy this afternoon I give thanks for starting on the untangling and winding of a big bag of odds and ends of yarn. It's not really an outlet for my frustrations but in its own way it is rather satisfying and makes me feel a little bit nearer getting ready to move. It also does work the arms a bit so not all of me is falling into disuse...

I give thanks for trying and retrying to get that crossword software to do something it says it does on the none-too-cheap tin (with a few cross words in the process!)...before trying and retrying to get a useful response from support without my messages coming back 'undeliverable' Why do I give thanks for this? Well it demonstrated my perseverance and enduring faith that not everything always is pointless... need to be reminded of that a lot just now.

No treatment ot treat of my tea cooked tonight so I give thanks for a can of Cullen Skink seasoned with tears of accumulated exasperation, some toast to gnash my teeth on. I'm grateful I know this too will pass...one day I'll be a tree and the wind will bend me or it will break me and I'll have nothing to say either way. In the meantime I give thanks I'll probably soothe my body in a bath and numb my brain with some TV and eventually it will be another day...

Sunday 19 February 2017

ITWA

Woohoo...I got both parts of Hot Fuzz recorded! Oh, what joy...to have a dose of that delicious medicine called laughter. Most of the things I'm suffering from can seem better with this treatment but the suffering has been too extensive for even my famously dark humour to find the chinks of light so I was very grateful indeed. Having checked part deux was safely in place I've saved it for more therapy tonight if it's quiet enough, and to give the neighbours who were quiet last night a rest from my cockles and guffaws. The first half ended with Sergeant Angel discovering films were a very good way to turn off minds so an appropriate place to pause...or should I say Point to Break? Probably only to those who've seen it!

I give thanks my body was so delighted with feeling tickled I was completely free of pain in bed afterwards...for a good five minutes! Groan...grumble...grouch... I really am grateful I've been feeling so well and strong physically lately but it seems such a waste when there's so little I can can actually do.

I give thanks for keeping feeding the hungry giant that lives in my tummy these days, and clearing up the mess I make in the process, even doing some vacuuming though this is an activity guaranteed to bring me to (not being able to use my) knees. For having fresh air indoors...before the neighbours got a bit fresh with their volume levels and I had to batten down the hatches and block up my ears again. 

I give thanks for the golden twinkling of streetlights coming on in the murkiness of the evening when the bare trees stand out dark still against the grey on the hillside behind. For spotting the windows glowing in houses too and wondering if mine from a distance look as if something warm and inviting is within as well. It's hard to imagine somehow...



I've had snippets of The Woman with no Fire of her Own coming into my mind recently and dug out a copy today to read again. Thought if I'd like to you might like to too so here it is if you would!


The Woman with no Fire of her Own

Once, in a time and place not far from here, there lived a woman who did not fit. Her skin was the same colour as everyone else's and she had the correct number of senses and limbs. But when she opened her mouth the strangest sounds came out, for she was a seeker and speaker of truth, a kind not often found in her land. She asked questions that couldn't or shouldn't be answered, was honest when she should have lied.

Her own closest relations found this particularly disquieting for every evening while other families sat together encircling their campfires, they grouped themselves around a cold stone. No warm glow lit their faces or hearts and they did not share the stories of progress and prowess the rest of their tribe enjoyed, but only told tales of spite. They were embarrassed enough by their difficult daughter and to prevent her revealing this, their dark secret, they told her she came from a distant race and could not mix with her neighbours and peers.

Already shunned for her curious ways this isolated the girl even more. But the little child grew as children will do in spite of life's efforts to stunt them. She found joy in the sun and the moon and the stars of the sky and quickly learnt such lessons as girls of her culture were taught. Soon she could sing and she could sew, make sweet bread and sweeter still music, though she danced to a different tune.

When the time came for those of her generation to leave their homes and have adventures before adulthood claimed them, the young woman went wandering too. As was tradition the others were given a glowing ember from the family hearth so they could start fires of their own, but her parents, in keeping with the cold way they'd raised her, gave her only a small grey stone. She took her lute and her breadpan with her, her finest needles and threads. And most precious of all she took a hopeful heart that she would find the fire she belonged by, the people from whom she had come.

The road was long and the journey eventful. Sometimes she walked for a while with travellers going the same way, but they spoke the companionable language of being together that the young woman had yet to learn.

At last she came to a town on the coast to the south of the land and decided to rest for a time. By day she let the rays of the sun warm her body while the waves of the sea soothed her mind. But when night fell a chill crept into the air, so she took out her lute and carefully tuned it and then began to play.

So enthralled she was with making her music, that at first she didn't notice the beach filling up with other young girls and boys until the sounds of their revelry reached her ears and she ventured over to watch them. They were singing and dancing together around a huge fire, intoxicated by magical herbs from far off lands, wild rhythms and moonlight on water.

“If only I could join them,” the young woman sighed as she stood in the shadows, her lute in her hand. “If only I knew their tune.”

But then the circle widened and they beckoned her in and she stayed and played with them all summer long. She learnt the words that they spoke and the music that moved them and sampled the herbs that they lived by. Some made her light-headed, some light-hearted and some so light on her calloused feet that she danced beyond the dawn. And the most sacred of all brought a light to her mind's eye that burned brighter than any mere star could do and warmed her through to her soul.

“These are my people. At last I am home!” the young woman thought as she drifted into dreams.

But then the seasons changed and the mist rolled in, her lute buckled and would not play. The herb takers packed up their possessions and stamped out their fire and left her with no farewell. She sat on the beach alone again and pondered upon her fate.

“Why did this happen?” she questioned, “How am I here?”

“I was mistaken”, she reasoned, “They were not my people. ”

And she picked up her breadpan, her stone, her needles and threads and walked away to the hills of the west to search for her home once more.

She was much colder now that she had experienced fire, and much lonelier on her own. One evening she sat by her cold grey stone in the mouth of a cave hanging her head down and weeping. A young man passing heard her sorrow and saw her plight and built a fire for them both from his own glowing ember. The young woman took out her breadpan and made him sweet bread and they ate together side by side as the hills grew dark around them. Gazing up at the night sky she spotted a shower of brilliant shooting stars.

“Look, ”she whispered, turning to her companion. “What joy they bring to my heart!”

But he saw only a lithe body and an eager face and drew her down beside him. That night she discovered the warmth of physical love.

“This is my partner. At last I am home!” the young woman thought as she drifted into dreams.

Winter passed and they sheltered together through the storms and the rain and the snow. But as spring came the boy grew restless and bored, he didn't tend the fire as well as he should do and many times it was almost extinguished. One night as she slept he crept from the cave and made off to the valley below. The young girl awoke to a pile of cold ashes, her breadpan broken beside it. Alone again she sat by her stone and pondered upon her fate.

“Why did this happen?” she questioned, “How am I here?”
“I was mistaken,” she reasoned, “He was not my partner.”

Her heart was heavy without his beating beside it, but in her belly there grew a child. She picked up her stone and her needles and threads and wearily she journeyed down from the hills to the city that stood on the plains.

The first thing the young woman did when she got there was to take out her needles and embroider a shawl to wrap her baby in. When people saw the beautiful work she was doing they begged her to stitch and sew for them. Soon she could afford a comfortable tent of her own and rich customers brought her braziers of fire so she could embroider her fine coloured flowers for them by night as well as by day.

But when her baby was born she found she could no longer sew, for her hands were busy with him. Her patrons took their braziers and business away, her needles rusted and were spoiled.

“Never mind, my son,” she said, wrapping warm him in the silken shawl, “We have riches enough for now. “

“This is the one to whom I truly belong,” she thought, “At last I am home!”

And she laid him down beside her next to the cold grey stone as he drifted into dreams.

While he slept she sang to him, for songs were all she had left to share. And the sound of her voice and her words were so true that people came from all over the city and paid money to her to listen. Thus she was able to feed and clothe her child and pay others in time to teach him such lessons as boys of his culture were taught. Soon he could read and he could ride, make fine gardens and weapons of war, and he grew into a man.

When the time came for those of his generation to leave their homes and have adventures before adulthood claimed them she handed him a piece of grey stone.

“Son,” she said, “You know I am a woman with no fire of my own. This is all I have to give you.”

But the young man said, “Keep it, I have no need of your stone. I am the fruit of your womb but only half your child. I am going to find my father's tribe and the fires that I belong by.”
After he had gone the woman wept and pondered upon her fate.

“Why did this happen?” she questioned, “How am I here?”

“I was mistaken,” she reasoned, “He could not be like me.”

She was too old now for the sound of her sorrow to bring lovers to warm her. Her once true voice was cracked with tears, all her talents and treasures were gone. She sat alone by the cold grey stone outside her tent as the darkness grew around her.

“I have known the joy of the dance and the pleasure of passion,” she thought, “the fierce love of mother for child. But all these have been fleeting and their loss has been hard, what else can I seek that will bring me warmth and will stay with me forever?”

Gazing up at the night sky, she spotted a shower of brilliant shooting stars.

“Look,” she whispered to herself, “What joy they bring to my heart!”

But shooting stars shine only briefly and after a while she remembered the visions she'd seen on the sands of her youth with the herbs that had opened her mind. She yearned for the blazing white light that had burned so brightly it had warmed her through to her soul.

“Perhaps that is the one warmth that I can call mine,” she decided, “but its fire is the brightest of all. I must seek it now so the rest of my days can be lived within its glow.”

And she set off for the mountain that stood in the north to ask the wise man who lived there, and knew of such things, the path she should take to the light.

The road was steep and the journey was tiring, her aging limbs ached as she climbed. But her heart was as hopeful as when she'd been a young girl and first set out to find the fire she belonged by, the people from whom she had come.

“At last,” she thought, “I am almost home!”

It was cold on the mountain top and she shivered in the shawl she'd made for her baby as she described to the wise man her quest. He had no fire to sit beside, no companions, no partner, nor sons, and yet he seemed warm and lit from within by a glow she recognised.

“Teach me the secret of seeing the light,” she asked, “so I can live without fire like you.”

“Alas,” said the sage with the greatest compassion, “what I have takes years of disciplined training. It's too late for you to start learning now. But the light is inside you and you will see it again once before you die - for everybody does so.”

The woman was devastated, she aged many years, all her youthful hope was gone.

“My life has been wasted,” she thought, “my dreams all in vain. May death come soon to release me!”

And she struggled painfully back down the mountain and made her way to the slow flowing river that wound through the east of the land.

The woman sat on its banks with her stone beside her and awaited her time to die. By day she watched the sunshine play on the water and when night fell she watched the moon and the stars as they moved across the sky. But none of these had brilliant enough a light to bring her the joy she was seeking.

One evening as a golden sunset filled the heavens, the chill of disappointment crept into her heart and she wrapped the shawl around her shoulders as she pondered on her fate.

“Why did this happen?” she questioned, “How am I here?”

“I have been mistaken many times,” she reasoned, “The people I thought were mine were not. The partner I thought was mine was not. The fruit of my womb that once shared my heart was only half my child. And all the time I yearned for their companionship was time I lost finding the light.”

“I shall never know warmth!” the woman cried in despair, “What use is a cold grey stone?”

And she picked it up and raised her arm to hurl it into the river and be rid of its curse for good. But her old fingers fumbled and lost their grip and it dropped down to the rock beneath her. As flint struck flint two sparks ignited and leapt to the fringe of her shawl. They glowed brightly then burst into flame. Soon the fine worked flowers began to smoulder and smoke but still the old woman didn't shrug off her shawl or shrink from the blaze that embraced her.

“This is my fire, “ she thought, “At last I am home!”

And she opened her mind to the inner light that warmed her through to her very soul............as she drifted into dreams.




*



Saturday 18 February 2017

You don't know what you got

Oh the beautiful soft air and light this morning - I give thanks for that! The sea witch was flashing her diamonds today to be sure...

I shook my head in the exasperation of hindsight at all the times my former self has pined for perfect company on days like this...now I'm pining for all the times I remembered it was better to do something on your own than miss out on the company and the experience. At this time, when even going into the kitchen to make a cup of tea is excruciating, the challenge is as ever to recognise to be grateful for the gifts of the now. I give thanks I could lie in bed with the covers off and the window wide open letting the springiness land on my skin. A town centre ground floor abode might be much more practical right now but perhaps not for the naturist in me...

Yesterday, after becoming incapable of the standing and walking necessary to choose a book or two in Smiths I gave thanks for discovering better deals for the ones I thought I might look at...on Smiths on line! Needing the partial escape of reading now, a variety of routes is required and I wanted to support our little local store...but I've clicked to collect from there and it's right by the cab rank so yep lots to be grateful for there.

Um...what's that sound? Oh yes, a barrel being scraped! Must find my gratitude goggles forthwith... I give thanks for the treat of a potassium laden (small, I promise!) jacket potato, for a long hot bath, and a perfectly brewed mug of Earl Grey tea sipped at the perfect temperature, For the neighbours being relatively quiet so far, for Jan taking the time to chat online a while and send me photos - bless her! I give thanks for the times the pain has eased off a little, when I've felt a sliver of a step up from rock bottom, for when I've remembered I might seem to be weak but actually I'm amazingly strong...

Friday 17 February 2017

Finding a plot

Yay, I give thanks for finding something to watch on TV last night - a film on iplayer that was so entertaining I didn't even mind Tom Hanks being in it! The plot was quite preposterously far fetched but also true, and though it had some poignancy (as all true tales must do)  it made also me laugh - always a treasure in troubled times.

I give thanks for snatched snoozes in another pain pummelled night, and thus lots of strange brief dreams including leaving my shoes outside the Post Office as it was raining and I didn't want to bring the wet indoors - and then them being stolen.. ..and recognising someone in disguise by the way their hair curled at the nape of their neck.


I give thanks for one of those short spells of moving freely which came upon me after I emerged from having my bloods done, so that I could get a cuppa from the kiosk opposite and sit and enjoy the tea and the sea and feeling me, before I realised the me I could feel was feeling fearsomely chilly! For grabbing some essentials as the soreness grabbed me again, and a ride home with one of my favourite cabbies so I could laugh some more...

I give thanks for finishing opening my pretty birthday cards, finding some very thoughtful messages including a particularly touching one from my death row penfriend, plus three bars of well chosen chocolate from folks at home. For persuading my spring bulbs to nestle more tightly than they'd probably prefer into a vacant pot. Not a lot of people know this but I used to be good at growing things...apart from just broken and old!

Thursday 16 February 2017

Bright intervals

I give thanks Rachel came to eat some food with me including cake she'd hidden in her bag along with candles and a lighter! For her sticking some acupuncture needles in appropriate places and doing the washing up and drying up while they did their thing. For her understanding of my quest to find some spiritual sense in a world that sometimes seems to make no other...

I give thanks for those times when communication is unconscious and not even virtually verbal, so that she had a book with her that I could borrow even though she didn't know I needed one and I had gluten free crumpets to send to Daryl who'd been tempted by the normal sort when he really shouldn't.

My body was still hurting too much to get a lot of sleep last night but I give thanks for not too much hurtfulness from my mind. The regrets, the things you wish you could forget, the things you can't let go...They can lurk in the shadows can't they? I give thanks for the brightness of the moon...

I give thanks for the bright sunny start to the day as well, and listening the little birds singing. For discovering through research for a library crossword that Hannah Kent has a new novel out. Her Burial Rites still lingers...

I give thanks for Mima taking me out for the free half of a special offer cream tea, a trip to the recycling bins and the Post Office to pick up some birthday cards and gifts, and to take advantage of some retail opportunities too (what goes out must come in beforehand!). I give thanks for her gift of some flowering bulbs to brighten up the place and bring the outside in. But the greatest gift of all was being almost outside and able to see the countryside as we drove along and the glorious cloud patterned sky!


Wednesday 15 February 2017

Don't get mad, get even

I give thanks for moving a bit less miserably last night, being able to do some chopping for tea and make something else for today as well before going back to my best bad John Wayne walking impression. If there's one good thing about the restrictions of my current condition, it's that I can get quite excited about something like making a plate of food. Well, to be honest maybe 'good' and excited' are slight exaggerations there...

I give thanks for coming up with a master plan for the rest of evening which was to watch Hot Fuzz with headphones on in honour of the comic genius of we Valentine's children. I'd recorded it a couple of months ago and having seen it before knew it would be a reliably amusing distraction..so I also gave thanks I was only a few minutes in when it dawned on me to check that my TV box (which can be a bit deceptive) had captured both halves of the broadcast. It hadn't, so I was grateful to discover it's on again at the weekend and I can try again.

Of course I was a bit cross too...don't let my 'Yeah, whatever, la la' demeanour fool you into thinking I don't feel frustration when what seem like really reasonable requests and expectations of the Universe are not met. I was born ginger and the vestiges of my redheaded temper are still discernible like the glint in my hair in certain light. But that's the thing about the Universe you see...it really doesn't give one!

I give thanks for smashing tree ornaments in an animated game. The sound was off on my laptop when I turned it on today so that had to be sorted asap - there are times when the sound of breaking glass really is quite desirable!

I give thanks for listening to Imee Ooi's Great Compassion Mantra - kind of a eastern version of the Terry Pratchett people just being people philosophy I guess. I soothes me when I would stamp my foot and go off in a huff at life...if stamping my foot and/or going anywhere were an option! I find it produces a tremendous tenderness at the transience of all human endeavour, which in me results in copious tears, but that's probable due to the level of intensity with which I feel some emotions (other than anger) rather than any inherent fault in the music itself, so don't let it put you off!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GICB7Jo0xWI&spfreload=1


I give thanks for the sun on my face...when I opened the window to take a photo of a ship coming in! I give thanks I still get a kick out of seeing a ship come in...


Tuesday 14 February 2017

Loved...and lost!

I loved finding ways to stay up into the early hours so that I would sleep late this morning and thus lose a goodly chunk of a challenging day.  In fact I was so pleased with myself regarding this plan I lay awake even longer after I put the light out through sheer anticipation and excitement. But alas it didn't work and I was awake way too early. I give thanks for believing in my plan anyhow...

I give thanks for the folk who found a few moments to send me greetings. That I had a card to open with a little regifted gift inside from Mima. And though I've not had much of an appetite I give thanks for lots of tea and sympathy (from me!)... plus a lingering warming hug from the bathwater...

I've been in quite an astonishing amount of pain and just the most basic functions of sustaining life have used up almost all my wonderfulness today...so I give thanks that eventually I got dressed in pretty clothes and perfume as if it actually mattered.

I give thanks for the unconditional love I have for myself even though I've lost so much wonderfulness what's left hardly shows at all... and for my unconditional love for those who thus fail to spot it! After all, to paraphrase Terry Pratchett, people are not fundamentally being good or bad but fundamentally being people... I give thanks for a moving documentary about him reminding me of his wit and wisdom, and for the neighbours being mostly quiet enough to enjoy it!

I give thanks for the warm glow of lights coming on in other people's houses as misty darkness falls. For having my puzzles to puzzle over intead of life's questions that don't have clues...

Monday 13 February 2017

Technicolour dream

I give thanks for going to sleep to the sound of the roaring wind and sea. The pain kept waking me up but the wind kept right on blowing so I could keep doing it again and again. For some very vivid dreams to brighten up such a time of darkness. One of them was about buying a new coat in a marvellous deep purple tweed with flashes of bright blue green. I'd admired the style on a man I'd met but his was merely grey...

I give thanks for being able to watch some stormy sea from my windows today, trying so hard not to wish I could be closer. Ah, if wishes were horses I'd be riding bare back that's for sure...

I give thanks Vivaldi could never have dreamt how many people would end up hearing his Spring and why! For remembering Mr Kennedy turning up when Nat was looking for a CD of him playing in Hay on Wye...

I give thanks for taking steps to maintain my life as best I can - up and down the block ones twice to deal with a delivery mixup which involved the Tesco man bringing home bacon I didn't require, and the big ladder indoors many times to sort out the light fuse again. Unsurprisingly, if an overhead light bulb is going to blow it's most likely to do it just as dusk is falling so it's always a scramble to sort it out, but I give thanks for having to scramble because my body has required a pace of dead slow or crazy making still after yesterday's shenanigans with yoga. I'm so grateful I did that as I enjoyed it so much at the time, but it's hard not to experience the repeated excessive pain after the slightest pleasure as anything other than some kind of punishment...and the trouble with that is that either you feel that you deserve it (and that's really not good) or you feel that you don't (and that's pretty rubbish as well!)

I give thanks I've also offered my services as a volunteer crossword compiler to a local group I thought might be able to make use of a few...and that they are remarkably keen! This is amazing as making puzzles is one of the few things I can do that doesn't hurt...well apart from my brain that is, but it hurts it in a different way from the way everything else does just now.

Oh well, I give thanks tomorrow is my birthday and party or not I can cry if I want to, all day if I feel the need. I've a feeling I might take myself up on that offer...

Sunday 12 February 2017

Legs up the wall

I give thanks for Mima motivating me to get out of my dressing gown, into some hot water and cosy clothing as she'd offered to pick me up some odds and ends from Waitrose. This was most timely as I had been wondering if I would be likely to get there between now and Tuesday afternoon so I could have a Higgidy pie for my birthday tea. I give thanks for her company, conversation and some cake! Oh and a card to save to open...not sure I'll get to the Post Office either but it's often a bit disappointing if I do so this might turn out to be something to be grateful for actually.

I give thanks that after stating my intention to do some yoga and shiatsu when she'd gone I actually did! There are some poses and positions that are not too uncomfortable...and one, which Rachel has been urging me to try for a while, which after the trickiness of trying to get into it is very comfortable indeed when you do. She is unable to come and treat me tomorrow so I give thanks for trying to treat myself as best I can.

I give thanks for keeping a little bit warm, a little bit fed, a little bit on top of the chores. For a stunning photo on Facebook of shafts of sunlight on the wintry sea. For doing some work on some puzzles. For life's literal and metaphorical painfulness not driving me too much up the wall today...or only my legs so far!

Saturday 11 February 2017

Fairly flaky

Feeling extra dead end stuck with many situations, I give thanks for a busy couple of hours on the internet under the duvet first thing looking for potential ameliorations if not solutions. Sometimes it's a healthy delusion to think you can fix things yourself, or there might be someone somewhere who can...would...will... But I give thanks for eventually accepting that's not the way things seem to be just now.

I give thanks when I finally eased my aches and goosebumps out of bed and took notice of the outside world it was snowing! Always such a simple feeling of childish delight when that happens...

I give thanks for losing myself a while in a couple of programmes about living on Fair Isle. Close knit families, knitting and wind, stormy seas...and relationships! I give thanks for losing the neighbours with headphones for the duration.

I give thanks for receiving a date for a  Fluoroscope Guided Nerve Root Block should the MRI show this is what is required. Now I am not only in a state of some considerable discomfort but abject terror as well! In the meantime I give thanks for those first footsteps when I've been still for a while when I can move freely and free of pain. Every time I think 'Ooh, I'm better!' Every single time. So every time I'd disappointed by not only the reality but my repetitive gullibility... Duh!

Friday 10 February 2017

Ex box

Well, I don't know if you were grateful for the story, but trawling through the back end of my inbox yesterday morning I found some other things that I gave thanks for. There were some ancient photos in email attachments. Not quite as old as the one someone coincidentally sent me of themselves later but thirty years ago plus, in some cases plus rather a lot! This one was taken after leaving a party... Well, after scrambling out of a caravanette that turned upside down when trying to leave a party! Two shaken and bruised adults plus a totally unscathed small child went back into the host's house to decide what to do next, meeting someone who'd heard we were going a little while earlier and had been trying to find us to ask for a lift. 'I can't, I'm sorry, the van's upside down!' said the driver. 'Oh, I don't care if it's untidy' replied the would be passenger 'I just want to get home!' Still makes me chuckle...


I also give thanks for smiling over these suggestions I'd given another ex when he was depressed after splitting up with the girlfriend after the girlfriend after me (I think!) a few years ago. I don't know if they helped but I give thanks I tried and that he did get his mojo back after a while, and eventually even the girl, and they've lived happily ever after...so far!

1) Go for the longest toughest walk you possibly can manage and then a bit further still. You're a lot fitter than me so that might be a long way but a bike ride might work. The idea is to have a physical challenge to override the mental ones and to be outdoors to get outside your head.

2) Feast your eyes...you can do this in your armchair (then I gave some links to websites and videos I'd recently seen with stunning imagery)


3) Have a laugh in spite of yourself (more links to humour I thought he'd appreciate)


4) Shouldn't recommend this but when all else fails a roly and a Bailey's seem to help a bit too


So what about the here and nower? I give thanks for managing to share a few virtual words with a few folk in virtual society. It's hard as I'm very aware I have even less of any interest to say than usual so I give thanks for their tolerance! I give thanks a bonus of my blog is that people can check that I'm OK without having to put up with my wittering one to one. They don't even have to read it - they can just check it's there and go 'Phew! NFA required for now!'

I give thanks for some bits when the neighbours weren't too noisy and when the pain wasn't too bad. For dealing with essential communications - there's always something broken and it isn't always me! For getting essential chores done in town and managing to find a cab on the rank to bring me home as there are a few drivers now who won't risk their tyres on the rickety road and not only is this very inconvenient if you have a pile of shopping but adds to dismal feeling of being bottom of the heap.

I give thanks for finishing another puzzle. Once again I do understand the world can keep turning perfectly well without me doing this, but while I'm creating it I can forget about the pointlessness and believe someone sometime somewhere might find some pleasure there...

http://crossword.info/happiness_squared/EC3

Thursday 9 February 2017

The creativity of writing

I give thanks for my absolutest favouritest thing right now...which is sleep! Consciousness currently has such a nightmarish quality, even bad dreams are better than awake. I give thanks that pain and inactivity is exhausting. I give thanks my dreams were OK.

I give thanks for Chistine telling me she'd seen snowdrops out. What a lovely thought! For some documentaries about living on city streets to remind me how lucky I am even if I can't see snowdrops... I am so bored with watching TV, so it was good to remember this is a privileged state!

I give thanks though I cannot lie (apart from down), I'm skilled at creativity with truth. This is useful when you write a gratitude blog and are not feeling very grateful. And that is the point of keeping keeping it going after all. I hear others speak so casually of the treasures they possess - maybe physical health or loving relationships or lovely homes and gardens, of solvency, security, mobility, opportunity, purpose, making plans...maybe the whole damn kit and caboodle! I give thanks for their good fortune, and that they may live quite unaware that sometimes these comforts can be lost, or maybe never found. This is about counting the joys they might not think even count.

I've not done much of the other sort of creative writing lately though I found an unfinished poem yesterday and tinkered with a line or two, so maybe it's still in me somewhere. I give thanks for thinking that would be nice...and for not setting too much store by the idea in case it turns out not to be.

This morning a long forgotten brief short story from many years ago popped into my head however. I couldn't recall anything but possibly the title (it turned out not!), the premise and the lead character's name which everyone said was odd except Jared who'd given a similar character the same one! It's not on this laptop which means as a digital document it may be lost but I have a store of slightly musty paper printouts and found a little pile while I made my cup of tea. At first it was almost as if I'd opened the wrong folder as the words on the top page I didn't remember at all. Who on earth were Harry and Tilly? Another even more forgotten story - so forgotten that when I read it it was as if for the first time, and at the end was quite surprised and laughed out loud thinking 'Hey! That's pretty good!' For someone feeling as many forms of failure as I do now the fact my writing could create a moment of joy like that is a lot to be grateful for! According to my horoscope this is a time when I'm likely to experience others' appreciation of my unique qualities... Yes, I can see that's highly likely (not!) but I guess appreciating them myself is better than not at all.

Anyway, I give thanks after a very long very revealing trawl through some very old emails I found the story I first thought of in an attachment, so I thought I'd share it here in hopes it might raise a smile or two elsewhere - with the usual fictional disclaimers of course!


Duplicity

There was no doubting that Colin preferred men. The unpredictable emotional outbursts of women unsettled his composure and youthful experiences taught him to eschew the charms of their softly curvaceous flesh.

Despite a predatory nature he had enjoyed several years’ comfortable liaison with an older gentleman who demanded little more than his handsome presence about the place and turned a tolerant eye to occasional unexplained absences.

Now, rather awkwardly, he found himself drawn to a new young neighbour. This man had misguidedly acquired himself a wife and offspring but the admiration was obviously mutual. In fact it was he who had initiated things whistling softly over the garden fence to attract Colin’s attention as he sunned his still sleek body on the decking.

Colin had visited him more than once since then for some brief but sensuous pleasures. They had to be careful. The wife was suspicious and made it clear she believed his kind a health hazard to her brood.

Things came to a head one sultry summer’s evening when she arrived home to find Colin stretched out on the marital bed while her spouse took a much needed shower. He leapt to his feet but the screeching woman blocked the doorway and survival instinct rather than reason inspired him to make for the open window and the conservatory roof below.

It was an inelegant scrambling descent, Colin was not as agile as once he had been.

On safety’s side of the fence he paused. His companion was home and he needed a moment to restore his nonchalance before he entered the house. He sat on the decking and cleaned behind his ears with a paw, smoothing the fur on his flanks with his tongue before sauntering up to his six inch door.



Wednesday 8 February 2017

Sand and deliverance


I give thanks for the sun on my face, and the sand beneath my soles. For the stormy weather bringing the beach closer so I didn't have to go so far. For managing mostly to nod and smile and impersonate the person so many people like to think I am... except to Mima who I bumped into and I hope understood me being honest was an honour...and the deli man who unfortunately for him has a shop at the end of the hobble trail and sees me at my lowest pain wracked ebb. He acted as if he cared, which of course I know he didn't, but I'm so used to people acting as if they don't, and acting as if I don't that they don't in return, that I could feel my brave mask slip and my lip start to tremble. I gave thanks there was a cab on the rank and I could stagger across the road as swiftly as possible and get home to let the tears out. I should probably give thanks I don't have people to hug me and stuff when things are bad...I'm not sure I'd ever stop!

This afternoon I lay on the sofa struggling to think of something else to be grateful for...and then I remembered to be grateful I could lie on the sofa! It does my head in but it's more physically comfortable than moving around...and if you don't move around you need less food, and if you've been to the deli you can nibble things out of brown paper bags... It's hard to keep warm though, so you have to get up and get hot drinks, but when you do you can go to the loo and thus existence can be maintained. It is merely existence, however...as for 'life'? A Douglas Adams character springs to mind...

https://www.wattpad.com/208171648-quotes-marvin-the-paranoid-android~

Tuesday 7 February 2017

The response

Duh! I give thanks for waking up this morning suddenly aware of where there actually was a message of sorts waiting! Doesn't matter what it was, well except maybe to the person who indirectly 'sent' it of course, but they already know so don't need to be told. I give thanks for receiving it eventually anyway, both clearly and somewhat cryptically...

I give thanks for my honesty, my innocence, my trust...and for my forgiveness and tenderness towards those who sometimes view this as a resource to be used to their advantage. I reckon even if you can't feel joyfulness about other people's behaviour you don't have to respond with destroyfulness. It's a tough call to remember that other people's feelings are just as real to them as one's own are to oneself, to be respectful of the choices they make and not try to bend them to your will or preferences...to remember your judgement of their worth is worthless, as is theirs of you. I give thanks I try...for what it's worth!

I give thanks for a bit of sunshine brightening up the thought of the grim task of going out to attend to a few chores...though I never actually made it. Bad attack of so much trouble, so little point, I fear...plus an inability to get warm enough indoors to be able to face outside! I give thanks for doing some essential on line shopping - earplugs, gas canisters, groceries (search for 'cress' on Tesco and it asks you if you mean 'cares' - as if you need more of them!). For tackling various domestic tasks including sorting out several bags of unwanted articles to take to charity shops, recycling bins etc...some other time perhaps...

I seem to be slipping into inertia as well as silence and I give thanks there's little more call for me to do moving than there is talking at the mo. Though by no means anything that could be called cheerful, I give thanks I don't feel especially depressed...just kind of...disappeared. Oh well, one aims to please...and this way not only does no one else have to deal with my difficulties, but I don't have to want to do anything I can't do either.

Monday 6 February 2017

The message

I give thanks for trying to create gentleness in these hard times. Trying to keep my breathing soft, not ragged with sorrows and struggles...my mind not fraught with fears or sharp with self censure... my body not taut and tense with trying to avoid the pain...my heart, though full of things unspoken, ungiven, unshared, still open and warm to make room for more compassion.

I give thanks for waking in pre-dawn darkness, alert and with a sense of a message waiting to be heard. I almost reached for my phone, and I'm grateful I realised in time it wouldn't be that sort of message and just lay still, wondering if maybe some neighbourhood noise had disturbed me, or I was just sensing the natural anticipation of living things before the sun comes up over the horizon.

And then I heard the owls! Their calls speak to a part of me most people never hear or see, what it pleases me to think of as the 'real' me, not broken, not careful with my words and wounds. I give thanks for the feeling that version of this person is still in there somewhere...

I give thanks for a message from Rachel later, saying she wouldn't be coming so I could settle into another uncommunicative day. Sometimes I have a great need to express myself, to respond to what others have to say. There seems to be a lot of silence in me just lately, however. I give thanks that no one seems to mind!


Sunday 5 February 2017

The gift of the gab

I give thanks for my delicious supper left over from the day before's supper - like yesterday's lunch was left over from the day before's lunch! For clean sheets and the comfort of a freshly supportive piece of mattress, the light left on low for the illusion of companionship, the window open a smidge for the illusion of freedom. Was the pain worth the gain? Last night I thought so, that's for sure. Today alas I've not been very...

I give thanks for meeting a lot of people I used to know in dreams...I couldn't remember most of their names but then I knew them a very long time ago!

I give thanks for the neighbours being peaceful in the morning and deciding to do some quiet still asanas when I finally stirred...in the meantime downloading an app that goes with a recommended book called Serenity Yin Yoga. After two aborted attempts and only one refund I gave thanks for passing this test of my serenity!

I give thanks for finishing the tricksy jigsaw, well apart from the missing piece that is! It's always a little frustrating when the end is like that but as this one had been so glaringly obviously missing for so long it wasn't unexpected...

I give thanks for finishing opening those packages from the other day, most of which contained my birthday presents from me! Like Christmas, it's often a time of less joy rather than more, so it's important to try and plan ahead to alleviate what distress I can. Most of what I'd really appreciate money can't buy, or not mine anyhow...but for everything else there's PayPal, and I give thanks for diverting a little spare cash to acquire a new (very different and presumably complete) jigsaw, a long hoodie to keep some of the drafts out and some favourite bath products including one that I bought a couple of years ago and was most disappointed to discover was a 'special edition'. It appears to be one again though, and on three for two offer so I now have almost enough to fill a bath undiluted, which would be very silly of course! I give thanks for a little bottle of my favourite perfume too...that can be my Valentine's gift I think, don't you? All I need now is a good book and a TV dinner for one and I'll be all prepared to face the gathering gloom as best I can...

As there was not a lot I could do to please myself today, I give thanks for deciding to finish a cryptic crossword I started compiling a while ago...with a view to pleasing other people instead perhaps. I looked at some of the completed clues utterly mystified at first as to how they made the solutions! I give thanks for the feeling of 'Hey, that's clever!' when I worked them out again. It's good to feel you're good for something...even something pretty useless!


Saturday 4 February 2017

One hundred and eighty!

I give thanks for the bright sunshine for the first part of the day, and for the thought of people out enjoying it. I give thanks for the rugby on TV and for the thought of people enjoying that! For myself? Well, if I say a day when I'm grateful I've chosen to be grateful you'll maybe get the drift...

I give thanks for sleeping well, and waking up comfortable in body and spirit. It was when I started moving around the trouble started...

I give thanks for making myself pancakes for breakfast perched on a stool squawking and groaning in pain...and that there was no one to see me weeping into the batter from frustration to be back to this. For the thought of how much I've enjoyed those glimpses of physical freedom recently, and almost wishing I hadn't had them as I'd almost begun to forget what I was missing, if you see what I mean...  And then for remembering all things change, whether imperceptibly or suddenly, whether you liked them better before they did or after.

I give thanks eventually they did today as well, and though I didn't do a heck of a lot else nor do this all in one go, I was able not only to change the bedding and get a load of laundry done, but to turn my mattress 180°! This is no mean feat even for a strong and healthy person, as I know from watching one struggle with it once...

Having to spend most of the time in between lying on my side (and not being a rugby fan!) occupational options have been somewhat limited. I give thanks for seeing some of a home makeover programme and being reminded how grateful I am I don't have to have someone else choose the way my home looks - even indirectly by feeling the need to follow 'design trends' or be 'aspirational' in lifestyle. It is lovely to see people so loved and cherished someone wants to give them a wonderful treat though, and that they seem to appreciate what they get.  I give thanks for thinking of the enjoyment of both the giver and the receiver.

This time of year I'm often struck down by a desperate case of wanderlust, and my longing to be at least outside and moving around has been acute and intense and difficult to deal with today. I give thanks for trying not to be cross with myself for being sad, it would be sadder still if I stopped caring maybe...and for trying to focus on the present moments and find the gifts within. I give thanks for these stunning examples of photography from around the world...which kind of helped, but kind of didn't!  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/in-pictures-38829413

And also, when sorting through some images of my own, coming across this from a day not so long ago when I wanted to take pictures but couldn't get out of bed. It seems to illustrate today's post in several different ways...







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