Unheard university

Well...after feeling as if things were, if not positive, at least promising for a lot of yesterday, and then as the afternoon turned into evening ending up so defeated, I found something to be grateful for in that I stopped wishing I could do stuff, stopped trying to do stuff, stopped trying to turn things better and thus finding I'd only turned them worse. I give thanks for burying foam plugs into my ears (resisting the temptation to take them out and identify the relentless sounds from upstairs that filtered through the barrier - knowing learning exactly what it was they were doing wouldn't have made it any less annoying) and burying my nose in two quite different books. I give thanks for books! I'll give even more if the ones I've ordered turn up soon...things are getting a little desperate in that department!

I give thanks for remembering to feel compassion - people may seem to be thoughtless, or heartless or unkind but may have disappointments and difficulties of their own on their mind. And also how fortunate it is I don't have anyone to tell my truth of things to, not the whole truth anyway...though maybe a word or two slips out here and there. Some things are probably better left unsaid. And some things are definitely better unheard. And what's the whole truth anyway...

I give thanks for a bit more sleeping last night and for waking up a bit less hurting...so that I could go out and deal with some of the logistics of existence before being immobilised again. I give thanks I've learnt the emotional pain caused by the physical sort is actually less than the emotional pain of feeling OK for a while and being aware it's a fleeting false reprieve and none of the things I'd like to do are going to be actually possible. It's the perkiness that's hardest to deal with now, not the pole-axedness!

I give thanks for the sound of lawnmowers and the smell of new cut grass. For a cup of tea beside the sea, though my goodness sand is a challenge to walk on when walking itself is hard! I give thanks I can take my sore body and head back to bed and give up on this day...