I give thanks the fatigue that comes with this cancer drug is quite distinct from the others I suffer from - wouldn't want to go blaming the wrong illness or treatment now would I? For having a pretty good idea it would descend like a leaden cloud last night, and put aside all ideas of activity...though I did feel it was a bit of a swizz we mostly only had a few leaden clouds here weatherwise not the predicted tempests and storms as wind and rain can make you feel quite blessed you can't go outdoors. Instead I had to make do with being grateful for being stuck indoors alone, in my slo-mo slow brained fuddle, and not needing to interact even virtually unless I wanted to, feeling not so much run down as completely disconnected from any energy source much if the time.
For having (yet) another go at reattaching my bath plug to its chain in a bit when I didn't. For finding a spare split ring to do this with so I'm fairly confident it might stay on this time! For making a little batch of pancakes to cheer myself up and watching a rainbow growing and glowing through my kitchen window while I ate them. For managing to bag one of the last Tesco delivery slots for tomorrow...and for managing to do it before my internet also decided to take the bulk of the afternoon off!
Saturday 29 February 2020
Friday 28 February 2020
Sensible
I'm grateful for my best efforts at making two treatment Fridays a bit easier on body and soul, and for my optimism that getting my own budget, booking (and if necessary chasing up) taxis myself will mean my sensible transport timing requests are adhered to! For staff on the units doing their best to ensure what they could do to make things better was done, and for coming up with another idea we can maybe try that might help ease the transition between them. For being relatively energetic today and enjoying the relatively lengthy trek transitioning myself as well.
For a silent driver this evening to make up for the moody monologue I had to endure earlier on. For the last lovely cauliflower and lentil Co-op curry for my tea. They've dropped this from their standard range when bringing out their new bandwagon jumping plant based offerings and the replacement's not so kidney kind. I give thanks for realising it can be microwaved from frozen as I'm tired and in need of feeding! For a nicely home help cleaned home to come home to, and for being home at last! One good thing about these long trying days is that you are extra pleased when they are done. I give thanks I've nothing on the agenda for the weekend except pleasing myself and treating myself as well as I possibly can...
For a silent driver this evening to make up for the moody monologue I had to endure earlier on. For the last lovely cauliflower and lentil Co-op curry for my tea. They've dropped this from their standard range when bringing out their new bandwagon jumping plant based offerings and the replacement's not so kidney kind. I give thanks for realising it can be microwaved from frozen as I'm tired and in need of feeding! For a nicely home help cleaned home to come home to, and for being home at last! One good thing about these long trying days is that you are extra pleased when they are done. I give thanks I've nothing on the agenda for the weekend except pleasing myself and treating myself as well as I possibly can...
Thursday 27 February 2020
Forceful
Though I give thanks for managing to technically wake up before my alarm, actually functioning was another story. Ugh! Apart from the pain I felt so deeply chilled when I forced myself to move I had to make a hot water bottle to hug between the stages of getting dressed, I was grateful for this but so mystified it was necessary I took my temperature before my cup of tea and it read 35.9! Note to self: leave the heater on frost control over night.
I give thanks for the pleasing way colours and designs of random crockery in the sink awaiting co-ordinated as if artfully arranged. For managing to wake up each time I fell asleep on the bus, the moments of welcome warmth when sunshine landed on me through the grimy windows, and the glorious bronze when it shone on the enduring leaves of a hedge. For the local cancer charity supplying tea in a pretty mug and a pre-packed but tasty slab of ginger cake for a mere £1.60!
For talking myself into a telephone triage deal for at least some of my future appointments by means of black humour steely resolve and reasonably pointing out I already have clinical assessment and empirical observations done several times a week. For working up enough energy to walk myself round the more alternative shopping area near the station to pick up some gifts for upcoming birthdays before a soothing sea-nic train ride home. For the rather unusual shade of green on the water and an eager dog walking sideways in case a stick was thrown.
I give thanks for the gorgeous weather this afternoon...and for snoozing on my sofa through a chunk of it. I'd thought I might have to force myself to rest and leave the chores alone, but it's been no trouble at all doing nothing!
I give thanks for the pleasing way colours and designs of random crockery in the sink awaiting co-ordinated as if artfully arranged. For managing to wake up each time I fell asleep on the bus, the moments of welcome warmth when sunshine landed on me through the grimy windows, and the glorious bronze when it shone on the enduring leaves of a hedge. For the local cancer charity supplying tea in a pretty mug and a pre-packed but tasty slab of ginger cake for a mere £1.60!
For talking myself into a telephone triage deal for at least some of my future appointments by means of black humour steely resolve and reasonably pointing out I already have clinical assessment and empirical observations done several times a week. For working up enough energy to walk myself round the more alternative shopping area near the station to pick up some gifts for upcoming birthdays before a soothing sea-nic train ride home. For the rather unusual shade of green on the water and an eager dog walking sideways in case a stick was thrown.
I give thanks for the gorgeous weather this afternoon...and for snoozing on my sofa through a chunk of it. I'd thought I might have to force myself to rest and leave the chores alone, but it's been no trouble at all doing nothing!
Wednesday 26 February 2020
Planned
I give thanks for remembering how well I slept the night before last when wide awake for much of the one just gone! For still having a pretty good amount of get up and go and getting up and going to get a few Co-op groceries on spesh before setting off for dialysis today. I'd been planning ahead as tomorrow I've got to be at oncology much earlier than I would prefer in the morning and, if the bloods done today show I should, will be having both treatments on Friday so shopping is likely to be a neglected chore...however, due to the patient before me having problems I didn't get started until late, and so am late home, and doubly grateful it's done!
I give thanks for trying once again to tackle to poor planning of transport for me on Friday to try to make it a bit less of a stressful day for me. Having to use an admin go between instead of being able to talk in person to the person who organises this does make it extra difficult. There's quite a difference between the timings and positions that make sense on their computer screens and the reality at the sharp end for patients but I give thanks they haven't a clue, as it means they must be healthy! For being able to look forward to someone with a vested interest and hands on experience being in charge soon - ie me!
I give thanks for sources of warmth on a chilly night, for a pan of leftover stew heating up, some good TV to catch up with and, if my hands are willing, some rag strips for my rug to hook with while I do.
I give thanks for trying once again to tackle to poor planning of transport for me on Friday to try to make it a bit less of a stressful day for me. Having to use an admin go between instead of being able to talk in person to the person who organises this does make it extra difficult. There's quite a difference between the timings and positions that make sense on their computer screens and the reality at the sharp end for patients but I give thanks they haven't a clue, as it means they must be healthy! For being able to look forward to someone with a vested interest and hands on experience being in charge soon - ie me!
I give thanks for sources of warmth on a chilly night, for a pan of leftover stew heating up, some good TV to catch up with and, if my hands are willing, some rag strips for my rug to hook with while I do.
Tuesday 25 February 2020
Changing
I give thanks for a good sleep last night - one of many things we humans are wont to complain about when we don't get but forget to appreciate when we do! For not having anything demanding my attention for a while, so there was a relaxed start to the day and some productivity when I finally arose - I work so much better when not under pressure!
For the changing light as wind brought bands of rain and sunshine, For changing the sleeves on an old dress to be more fistula friendly and for the second hand (of course) deep purple merino cardigan I snapped up on eBay to go over the top doing the job just fine.
For all the spring flowers and blossom seen on a trip to a recently renovated favourite pub/restaurant with Mima, enjoying a tasty if rather overpriced sharing platter (plus cake) overlooking the coastline, town and sea. For a my first visit to the new relatively nearby Lidl store and reminding myself I didn't have to buy everything I liked or would like to try because I can get there so much more easily than other Lidls I've been to before. For some belated birthday gifts including a deliciously fragrant jasmine plant.
For the changing light as wind brought bands of rain and sunshine, For changing the sleeves on an old dress to be more fistula friendly and for the second hand (of course) deep purple merino cardigan I snapped up on eBay to go over the top doing the job just fine.
For all the spring flowers and blossom seen on a trip to a recently renovated favourite pub/restaurant with Mima, enjoying a tasty if rather overpriced sharing platter (plus cake) overlooking the coastline, town and sea. For a my first visit to the new relatively nearby Lidl store and reminding myself I didn't have to buy everything I liked or would like to try because I can get there so much more easily than other Lidls I've been to before. For some belated birthday gifts including a deliciously fragrant jasmine plant.
Monday 24 February 2020
Strong
I've already given thanks for my weekend, for feeling relatively well and strong and having a pleasant and productive time...and I'm also grateful, as I was feeling the effects of it today, I imagined it might be quite pleasant in the aftermath to rest this afternoon. However, as it turned out to be a 'give me strength' kind of day it's not been that restful all, and I mostly gave thanks for starting watching (and greatly enjoying) Messiah on Netflix rather than dealing with the human interaction and actions in between. I'm grateful for accepting I must be rubbish at explaining myself to people whose minds don't work in the same way as mine, and the non-committal verbal nods I give to mansplaining cab drivers might be far too much encouragement, and I need to work (some more) on my social skills. I do give thanks for the tea trolley pot running out before they got to me (the last port of call on their round) as this meant got hot and fresh instead of cool and stewed. This particular tea deliverer usually gives me an extra biscuit too. Always a bonus! I give thanks I've put on enough weight now to 'fill my skin' which feels and looks more healthy than my wizened state before, however as the target weight they have set for me reflected my post flu skinniness, I'm back to try to convince the less understanding members of staff that it's food not fluid I'm carrying around and had better go easy on the size of my supper! Give me strength not second helpings...
Sunday 23 February 2020
Improved
I give thanks for the chaps who, in addition to being valued friends, helped me with home improvement today. Gary picked up some of the wallpaper I took a shine to when visiting the other day (just in case it's all gone when I visit that way again) and Clive came over to do a few little jobs about the place including installing my second alcove shelf and putting up pockets for easy access to tools. For Marty Wilde at eighty singing Teenager in Love on an ancient episode of Loose Ends. These all improved my mood and sense of wellbeing too..
I give thanks for waking up achy for a good reason instead of none, and for limbering up enough eventually to do a few useful tasks myself including fetching 'Incredible' vegan burgers from the Co-op to rustle up some lunch for us on the go. I really am partial to those! For keeping going as long as I could and for realising when I'd reached the point when if I didn't lie down I'd fall down instead... For a little snooze under my cosy patchwork coverlet and staying resting awhile when I awoke while trying to work out the simplest stuff to have for tea with minimum movement required. I give thanks I think I have a plan and might even be up to getting up and putting it into action soon...
I give thanks for waking up achy for a good reason instead of none, and for limbering up enough eventually to do a few useful tasks myself including fetching 'Incredible' vegan burgers from the Co-op to rustle up some lunch for us on the go. I really am partial to those! For keeping going as long as I could and for realising when I'd reached the point when if I didn't lie down I'd fall down instead... For a little snooze under my cosy patchwork coverlet and staying resting awhile when I awoke while trying to work out the simplest stuff to have for tea with minimum movement required. I give thanks I think I have a plan and might even be up to getting up and putting it into action soon...
Saturday 22 February 2020
Noticeable
I give thanks for more of that increasingly unusual and oh so welcome energy this last twenty four hours! My aches and pains have been a lot less noticeable too which I tend to forget to be grateful for and just get on with moving around completely forgetting what a bonus and blessing being able to is.
I give thanks for mostly working on the home improvement tasks that are within my capabilities and ladder range ie. not very strenuous or lofty at all. For stopping when my hands began to seize up and working my legs instead going for a short stroll in a bit of spring sunshine. For my brain knowing this is good for my back even if my back isn't sure! For that sigh of relief when I'm close by the sea but not too close to other humans. For finding the last remaining piece of vegan cake in the only cafe in town to offer it. I don't personally care if my cake is vegan or not but on behalf of my friends who are I make a point of always asking! For Julie appreciating it before she came to help with the decorating chores, as I appreciated a slice of apple tart...
I give thanks for laundry technology when urological technology fails. For making dahl last night for tea today as now I've stopped bustling around it feels like I'll stay stopped for days! For the small but noticeable steps made today reminding me it's been worth it.
I give thanks for mostly working on the home improvement tasks that are within my capabilities and ladder range ie. not very strenuous or lofty at all. For stopping when my hands began to seize up and working my legs instead going for a short stroll in a bit of spring sunshine. For my brain knowing this is good for my back even if my back isn't sure! For that sigh of relief when I'm close by the sea but not too close to other humans. For finding the last remaining piece of vegan cake in the only cafe in town to offer it. I don't personally care if my cake is vegan or not but on behalf of my friends who are I make a point of always asking! For Julie appreciating it before she came to help with the decorating chores, as I appreciated a slice of apple tart...
I give thanks for laundry technology when urological technology fails. For making dahl last night for tea today as now I've stopped bustling around it feels like I'll stay stopped for days! For the small but noticeable steps made today reminding me it's been worth it.
Friday 21 February 2020
Real
I give thanks for the good company of taxi drivers and nursing staff today...as well as for the bit when I was alone and could have a much needed nap! I was also very grateful for my own company this morning as I felt like the 'real' me, with less pain and fatigue and some energy and motivation to bustle about doing various small home improvement tasks before I left for treatment. It improves my mood as well when my body works better too, but I give thanks for accepting this state is a bonus and weak and wimpy 'imposter' me could return at any time.
I give thanks for not having to do any domestic chores as it was home help day, so the dishes were done, the floors clean etc on my return. She even fetched my prescription from the chemist and a couple of things from the shop. I am so grateful for this assistance. It really improves my quality of life knowing I can leave household chores if I need to and they will be done... And very efficiently too!
I give thanks for not having to do any domestic chores as it was home help day, so the dishes were done, the floors clean etc on my return. She even fetched my prescription from the chemist and a couple of things from the shop. I am so grateful for this assistance. It really improves my quality of life knowing I can leave household chores if I need to and they will be done... And very efficiently too!
Thursday 20 February 2020
Willing
I've been having the most vivid dreams for several weeks now and wonder if it's an undocumented side effect of the immunotherapy. I'm rather grateful for it if it is, and I give thanks for one of the most fabulous ones I've ever had last night taking place at a midsummer festival on an unspecified northern isle over a few days and nights of not quite darkness! It put me in such a good mood even having to leap out of bed in the predawn chill to attend to the effects of a technological malfunction didn't seem quite as grim as usual. It's not been easy to come to terms with travel, adventure and romance being pretty much written off now, but if my mind can produce them in my sleep I willingly accept that as a substitute...
I give thanks for a managing what had to be done this morning despite being extra foggy brained from the extremely early start, For the start of a conversation with the council man who deals with Patient Held Transport Budgets. These are usually used by folk who have friends or family willing and able to ferry them to and fro from dialysis some of the time at least, but I wanted to know if I could have one to arrange a flexible combination of trains, buses and taxis partly to ease the monotony of treatment days, partly to avoid the cab driver lottery and have 'me time' travelling, and partly so I could time journeys to fit in practicalities or pleasurable activities on my way to and fro weather and wellness permitting. I give great thanks they seem quite happy with this idea and there are just the details to discuss before arrangements can be made!
I give thanks this news helped me brave the not very clement weather and get a train to meet Gary for lunch. For a very nice and inexpensive mini breakfast for mine from pick your own items, a wander around a couple of shops including a new Range store I'd long wanted to visit, and afternoon refreshments with Steph too during which they witnessed my newly written will. It was lovely to have a catch up after so long and for the ride back being sunny and bright so I could appreciate the scenery better and the pearly blue of the sea.
I give thanks for a managing what had to be done this morning despite being extra foggy brained from the extremely early start, For the start of a conversation with the council man who deals with Patient Held Transport Budgets. These are usually used by folk who have friends or family willing and able to ferry them to and fro from dialysis some of the time at least, but I wanted to know if I could have one to arrange a flexible combination of trains, buses and taxis partly to ease the monotony of treatment days, partly to avoid the cab driver lottery and have 'me time' travelling, and partly so I could time journeys to fit in practicalities or pleasurable activities on my way to and fro weather and wellness permitting. I give great thanks they seem quite happy with this idea and there are just the details to discuss before arrangements can be made!
I give thanks this news helped me brave the not very clement weather and get a train to meet Gary for lunch. For a very nice and inexpensive mini breakfast for mine from pick your own items, a wander around a couple of shops including a new Range store I'd long wanted to visit, and afternoon refreshments with Steph too during which they witnessed my newly written will. It was lovely to have a catch up after so long and for the ride back being sunny and bright so I could appreciate the scenery better and the pearly blue of the sea.
Wednesday 19 February 2020
Chilly
I give thanks I felt a little healthier this morning, particularly as I was really struggling to get warm once out of bed and having the energy to move more and faster was really very useful indeed. For finding some common ground with the taxi driver who liked to go on a proper walk. Though I can't go far at all these days I still love it when I feel as if I have by having a short stroll on a footpath away from the roadside in lieu of proper countryside.
I give thanks for having plenty to keep myself occupied on a delayed day on the unit and not having to resort to inciting my fellow patients to grumble as some others needed to do. For remembering it can be hard not to take life's less than loveliness personally some times. For nice nurses I enjoy a bit of a chat with, a speedy one when my blood pressure went wrong and a pleasantly peaceful absence of staff when it was sorted, deliciously snug under a little quilt from home, and snoozing to some meditation music. For some part cooked food from a meal started and abandoned yesterday, plus the appetite and inclination to finish it off today. For at last finding a fresh chilli I'd put in a safe place when I wanted my home help to clean the fridge on Friday - it was tucked into a bag of chives!
I give thanks for having plenty to keep myself occupied on a delayed day on the unit and not having to resort to inciting my fellow patients to grumble as some others needed to do. For remembering it can be hard not to take life's less than loveliness personally some times. For nice nurses I enjoy a bit of a chat with, a speedy one when my blood pressure went wrong and a pleasantly peaceful absence of staff when it was sorted, deliciously snug under a little quilt from home, and snoozing to some meditation music. For some part cooked food from a meal started and abandoned yesterday, plus the appetite and inclination to finish it off today. For at last finding a fresh chilli I'd put in a safe place when I wanted my home help to clean the fridge on Friday - it was tucked into a bag of chives!
Tuesday 18 February 2020
Done
I give thanks for more opportunities today to practice letting go of expecting things to turn out as planned. My energy levels were barely there at all, for instance, so I give thanks for being reminded actually a lot of the time in in quite good nick for one so sick! There's a kind of fatigued where I spur myself on, especially when there's stuff I want or need to have done ...and then there's completely done in when anything beyond essentials for existence fall by the wayside and I cam't be bothered to care...
I give thanks to Jo for organising a Tuesday meet up of the Revive group so that I could in theory attend...and a pick up from the wayside outside my flat so that I could attend in practice too! For the pleasure of spending time with folk from there I don't often get to see, and for some pretty cards and presents! How Liz wrapped up hers so cleverly I do not know...and how Jo knew to choose little blue and white china bowls I do not know since she has never been shopping with me nor to my home. I also give thanks for John bringing me home again before everyone else was ready to go as I had reached 'must reach sofa' state.
I give thanks after a very long rest and a short snooze on the sofa I finally felt strong enough to turn on the lamp, and for a slight inclination to very light activity again so I must away to use it as usefully as I can!
I give thanks to Jo for organising a Tuesday meet up of the Revive group so that I could in theory attend...and a pick up from the wayside outside my flat so that I could attend in practice too! For the pleasure of spending time with folk from there I don't often get to see, and for some pretty cards and presents! How Liz wrapped up hers so cleverly I do not know...and how Jo knew to choose little blue and white china bowls I do not know since she has never been shopping with me nor to my home. I also give thanks for John bringing me home again before everyone else was ready to go as I had reached 'must reach sofa' state.
I give thanks after a very long rest and a short snooze on the sofa I finally felt strong enough to turn on the lamp, and for a slight inclination to very light activity again so I must away to use it as usefully as I can!
Monday 17 February 2020
Unexpected
I give thanks for spotting the earliest magnolia blossom beginning to open now, and for the blossom coloured clouds this evening after they'd dropped their grey load of rain. For leaflets unfurling too on some of the roadside shrubs. For a thoughtful nurse suggesting I might like local anaesthetic in the fistula area where there were needle problems on Friday in case it was tender inside. For it not being the nurse who struggled last time...
I give thanks for surviving being driven home by a chap with the chilliest vehicle and personality, and bustling about getting ready for Rachel to arrive with all my outdoor things still on until I'd thawed out a bit. For setting the table nicely for my sort of birthday tea, putting garnishes and nibbles in little dishes instead of just slapping packaging on the table or dollops on our plates. I regretted this when she had car trouble and had to turn round and head for her home not mine (especially as she would have been on washing up duty!) but I give thanks for my portion of bechemel and lemon ricotta topped pizza which I'd not have tried otherwise...and of course I'll also get to see if it can be frozen even though the box says not. The lack of tomato sauce makes this more kidney friendly, but I give thanks for not spoiling my good behaviour by eating her share of the naughtier items on the menu...well not so far anyway!
I give thanks for seeing Perri from Diversity ice dancing with a shopping trolley to Funk Soul Brother last night. I never thought I'd live to see they day...because I never imagined a day could hold a combination so bizarre!
I give thanks for surviving being driven home by a chap with the chilliest vehicle and personality, and bustling about getting ready for Rachel to arrive with all my outdoor things still on until I'd thawed out a bit. For setting the table nicely for my sort of birthday tea, putting garnishes and nibbles in little dishes instead of just slapping packaging on the table or dollops on our plates. I regretted this when she had car trouble and had to turn round and head for her home not mine (especially as she would have been on washing up duty!) but I give thanks for my portion of bechemel and lemon ricotta topped pizza which I'd not have tried otherwise...and of course I'll also get to see if it can be frozen even though the box says not. The lack of tomato sauce makes this more kidney friendly, but I give thanks for not spoiling my good behaviour by eating her share of the naughtier items on the menu...well not so far anyway!
I give thanks for seeing Perri from Diversity ice dancing with a shopping trolley to Funk Soul Brother last night. I never thought I'd live to see they day...because I never imagined a day could hold a combination so bizarre!
Sunday 16 February 2020
Still
Much as I enjoy the stormy weather I give thanks for the following calm. For the sight of sunshine again!
After just a little light this and that yesterday I've been very sore and weary today so I give thanks for as much rest as I could fit in. As Julie and Spencer came to help me take a pile of stuff to the recycling centre and take in a few shops, this wasn't a tremendous amount of down time, but there was a leisurely sit down while getting lunch at a popular (and busy cafe), and as this was a birthday treat I was extra grateful for the yummy food.
I give thanks we raided Matalan on the way home where I got the kind of plastic dish drainer I really don't prefer, but which is preferable to clean cutlery and drying crockery heading for the floor due to its slope plus the vibrating washing machine underneath. I also got a large thick jumper from a sale rack which I was very grateful for on arriving home and feeling chilly. For a hot water bottle and a blanket and a snooze on the sofa with a new Endeavour on pause. For still being full so not needing to cook a proper tea...
After just a little light this and that yesterday I've been very sore and weary today so I give thanks for as much rest as I could fit in. As Julie and Spencer came to help me take a pile of stuff to the recycling centre and take in a few shops, this wasn't a tremendous amount of down time, but there was a leisurely sit down while getting lunch at a popular (and busy cafe), and as this was a birthday treat I was extra grateful for the yummy food.
I give thanks we raided Matalan on the way home where I got the kind of plastic dish drainer I really don't prefer, but which is preferable to clean cutlery and drying crockery heading for the floor due to its slope plus the vibrating washing machine underneath. I also got a large thick jumper from a sale rack which I was very grateful for on arriving home and feeling chilly. For a hot water bottle and a blanket and a snooze on the sofa with a new Endeavour on pause. For still being full so not needing to cook a proper tea...
Saturday 15 February 2020
Present
Oh gosh I give thanks that's February 14th over for another twelve months - I'm pretty good at avoiding expectation but have not yet managed to abandon hope it will be an easier to enjoy day than it usually is! I give thanks for a few well chosen gifts, and also for the less tangible - messages in various forms including being sung Happy Birthday on voicemail, gently starting my long neglected back exercises and continuing my ongoing project of trying to remain within, or at least return more often to, the present. This can be particularly challenging for those who spend long periods of time alone contentedly wandering to and fro in their minds. I give thanks for managing the occasional moment...
I give thanks for the various purchases I've made recently to help myself feel more comfortable and cherished. They include this jigsaw from the local community hub shop (where they also had some fab reggae playing the other day!) Though pre-owned it looks unused, which given the complexity of the image is perhaps not surprising. What is totally astonishing however is that reading the fine print I discovered this was painted by an artist injured during childhood, who holds the brush in his mouth! This fills me with awe - as well as a sense of inadequacy - but I give thanks for the reminder how insignificant my struggles with physical limits to creativity really are.
I give thanks for the various purchases I've made recently to help myself feel more comfortable and cherished. They include this jigsaw from the local community hub shop (where they also had some fab reggae playing the other day!) Though pre-owned it looks unused, which given the complexity of the image is perhaps not surprising. What is totally astonishing however is that reading the fine print I discovered this was painted by an artist injured during childhood, who holds the brush in his mouth! This fills me with awe - as well as a sense of inadequacy - but I give thanks for the reminder how insignificant my struggles with physical limits to creativity really are.
Friday 14 February 2020
Treated
I give thanks to the NHS for treating me to a life preserving procedure today. We all like a treat on our birthday eh? For still being alive to receive it, well enough treat myself to pancakes for breakfast too! To Oatly for the milk, the chicken for the egg and to Tani for organising our cooking-for-one flour sharing scheme. For the happy accident of it being the day my new cleaner comes.
I give thanks for spending my pre-dialysis departure time tuning my guitar and trying to hold down and pluck a few strings, for working on my new will and a list of useful info for my executors. For remembering to pick up the bag with cake I'd brought to share around the unit when I left today, for the kitchen staff for their slicing and serving duties...and for it being rather tasty despite choosing the budget option.
I give thanks for being patient with the long wait in the crowded waiting room, and trying to be with the nurse who, newly returned from a placement elsewhere, wanted to be extra sure she put the needles in correctly which resulted in another long and rather painful delay.
Unfortunately my veins were not impressed with her decision and lots more pain and machine alarms ensued so that people were in and out twiddling about for a couple of hours before the general consensus of opinion was to give up and let me go. As it was a while before my taxi was due give thanks for deciding to turn this to my advantage and pop into Waitrose to treat myself to one of their mugs I've been coveting for years and a private non-sharing cake...and I'm grateful I didn't have my heart set on that plan as a) I forgot I only had a handful of change in my purse, b) they no longer sell the former, and c) there were no cakes worth forcing my way through the milling men with flowers (and women with meal deals) to buy. I give thanks I treated myself to a new (cheaper) mug anyway yesterday...and also just unpacked the (expensive) retro kettle and toaster set I've also coveted for years and sent for recently myself because I love myself lots and lots, and you can't take it with you they say...
I give thanks for all the people who took the time to tell me why they weren't sending me cards or gifts...and of course for the one or two kind souls who did! I'll get to them in a min...cuppa tea and a nice quiet sit down first. My goodness I give thanks it's the weekend!
I give thanks for spending my pre-dialysis departure time tuning my guitar and trying to hold down and pluck a few strings, for working on my new will and a list of useful info for my executors. For remembering to pick up the bag with cake I'd brought to share around the unit when I left today, for the kitchen staff for their slicing and serving duties...and for it being rather tasty despite choosing the budget option.
I give thanks for being patient with the long wait in the crowded waiting room, and trying to be with the nurse who, newly returned from a placement elsewhere, wanted to be extra sure she put the needles in correctly which resulted in another long and rather painful delay.
Unfortunately my veins were not impressed with her decision and lots more pain and machine alarms ensued so that people were in and out twiddling about for a couple of hours before the general consensus of opinion was to give up and let me go. As it was a while before my taxi was due give thanks for deciding to turn this to my advantage and pop into Waitrose to treat myself to one of their mugs I've been coveting for years and a private non-sharing cake...and I'm grateful I didn't have my heart set on that plan as a) I forgot I only had a handful of change in my purse, b) they no longer sell the former, and c) there were no cakes worth forcing my way through the milling men with flowers (and women with meal deals) to buy. I give thanks I treated myself to a new (cheaper) mug anyway yesterday...and also just unpacked the (expensive) retro kettle and toaster set I've also coveted for years and sent for recently myself because I love myself lots and lots, and you can't take it with you they say...
I give thanks for all the people who took the time to tell me why they weren't sending me cards or gifts...and of course for the one or two kind souls who did! I'll get to them in a min...cuppa tea and a nice quiet sit down first. My goodness I give thanks it's the weekend!
Thursday 13 February 2020
Poetic
Wow, what a fab day weatherwise, from thunder and lightning in the wee small hours, torrential rain this morning to mostly blue sky this afternoon interspersed rainbows against the grey, scudding cloud shadows on the fields and, as the wind had dropped, surprising warmth in the sun. I give thanks we have such an interesting climate, though so many folk don't see it that way. Coming home yesterday the driver started by saying dusk was on its way so I pointed out how bright and light it still seemed to me, and then later he described the storms as relentless so I reminded him they had just relented to give us a lovely winter's day. We didn't talk much after that! If people want to see everything on a negative way of course they may, but they'll get no encouragement from me...
I give thanks though my joints have been giving me a lot of pain, they did contribute to me being awake in the night enjoying toast and chamomile tea while watching the railway workmen apparently randomly driving their fine selection of monster trucks around outside. For this contributing to waking late and deciding that as tomorrow is going to just be a normal hospital day, and the day out planned for Saturday has been turned into a sensible tip trip instead due to the weekend forecast, today should have a bit of a birthday feel. So I give thanks for no non essential household chores, no decorating or home improvement work, no cooking, cleaning, tidying up or life admin on phone or laptop
I give thanks for a pretty bus ride and quick mooch around some shops including our local Co op where I got ready made but rather tasty food to loll with when I got home. Very welcome and very necessary to be nice to myself this way now and then. I give thanks for a leisurely bath with a book next on the agenda...oh and for seeing a new book I want to spend my remaining Waterstones poetry prize voucher on. I have plenty of unread books I've bought, been gifted, lent or sent...but this is a new Jackson Brodie!
I give thanks though my joints have been giving me a lot of pain, they did contribute to me being awake in the night enjoying toast and chamomile tea while watching the railway workmen apparently randomly driving their fine selection of monster trucks around outside. For this contributing to waking late and deciding that as tomorrow is going to just be a normal hospital day, and the day out planned for Saturday has been turned into a sensible tip trip instead due to the weekend forecast, today should have a bit of a birthday feel. So I give thanks for no non essential household chores, no decorating or home improvement work, no cooking, cleaning, tidying up or life admin on phone or laptop
I give thanks for a pretty bus ride and quick mooch around some shops including our local Co op where I got ready made but rather tasty food to loll with when I got home. Very welcome and very necessary to be nice to myself this way now and then. I give thanks for a leisurely bath with a book next on the agenda...oh and for seeing a new book I want to spend my remaining Waterstones poetry prize voucher on. I have plenty of unread books I've bought, been gifted, lent or sent...but this is a new Jackson Brodie!
Wednesday 12 February 2020
Universal
I give thanks for Lucy Worsley presenting another series of the kind of history I find so fascinating - this time charting the evolving nuances of British ideas of romance. I love the way this sort of programme shows how what we perceive as time honoured national traditions can be fairly new - and probably adopted from elsewhere! I often wish I could find out if other countries have similar TV shows and, if they do, if they have subtitles, because it would be fascinating to see the view from elsewhere.
I give thanks for making it through a busy day, despite my deep desire to spend it in bed. For Tani bringing me some wholefood shopping this morning and Clive managing to complete a whole load of outstanding tasks this afternoon including the ones that defeated him on Sunday - I have a new shelf, a bathroom heater that works again, no dangling cables in the spare room and many more delights beside. For reminding myself in some of the more tedious or disappointing times to ask the universe for more acceptance and less attachment to the alternative realities I think I'd prefer. For the more clement weather earlier on for those who were out to enjoy it. For the tiny white heads of snowdrops appearing on the verges alongside the road most travelled.
I give thanks for making it through a busy day, despite my deep desire to spend it in bed. For Tani bringing me some wholefood shopping this morning and Clive managing to complete a whole load of outstanding tasks this afternoon including the ones that defeated him on Sunday - I have a new shelf, a bathroom heater that works again, no dangling cables in the spare room and many more delights beside. For reminding myself in some of the more tedious or disappointing times to ask the universe for more acceptance and less attachment to the alternative realities I think I'd prefer. For the more clement weather earlier on for those who were out to enjoy it. For the tiny white heads of snowdrops appearing on the verges alongside the road most travelled.
Tuesday 11 February 2020
Changeable
The weather kept on changing again today with bands of rain and hail interspersed with bright sunshine and blue sky. I give thanks for enjoying the varied views and moods...
How I've been feeling has been changing a lot too, but mostly without the brightness, so I've been grateful for mostly taking it easy. As I've been mostly taking it easy for a few days now, I give thanks however for deciding to sit on a bus for a bit instead of lying on the sofa. I figured physically it wouldn't help at all, in fact it might make my symptoms worse, but the distraction of a change of scene and distance from all the undone chores could be therapeutic...and I give thanks I was mostly right!
I give thanks for staying awake - that was easier written than done! For spotting the blossoming snowdrops I'd been told I'd see along the route, plus dainty primroses too. For not being too perturbed when the two retail opportunities I'd intended to make use of didn't go according to plan - it was a couple of months ago I spotted the things I wanted to buy and you can't guarantee a shop won't change its stock during that time.
I give thanks for Tesco supplying most of the supplies I requested...
How I've been feeling has been changing a lot too, but mostly without the brightness, so I've been grateful for mostly taking it easy. As I've been mostly taking it easy for a few days now, I give thanks however for deciding to sit on a bus for a bit instead of lying on the sofa. I figured physically it wouldn't help at all, in fact it might make my symptoms worse, but the distraction of a change of scene and distance from all the undone chores could be therapeutic...and I give thanks I was mostly right!
I give thanks for staying awake - that was easier written than done! For spotting the blossoming snowdrops I'd been told I'd see along the route, plus dainty primroses too. For not being too perturbed when the two retail opportunities I'd intended to make use of didn't go according to plan - it was a couple of months ago I spotted the things I wanted to buy and you can't guarantee a shop won't change its stock during that time.
I give thanks for Tesco supplying most of the supplies I requested...
Monday 10 February 2020
Treasured
I give thanks for being back in my relatively peaceful side room after all the hustle, bustle and busyness of the units I was at on Friday. For having my transport times changed to reflect the fact that the flow of patients in this position is on a slightly different schedule from where I was before - how nice not to be hanging around for ages when I get there, and for the drivers not having to hang around when I leave.
I give thanks for Christine delivering to my doorstep a plant pot left at her house for around a year, and some seasonal treasures from her garden including this exquisite little posy. Those little glasses I bought recently don't have to be used for booze!
Our local 'old age' traveller set off on his final journey yesterday. I give thanks for the acceptance and respect he received from people far and wide and for the heartwarming sight of him with his wagon and horse, dogs and roadside fire. He was the last of his kind I'm thinking, and the world is poorer for his passing.
I give thanks for Christine delivering to my doorstep a plant pot left at her house for around a year, and some seasonal treasures from her garden including this exquisite little posy. Those little glasses I bought recently don't have to be used for booze!
Our local 'old age' traveller set off on his final journey yesterday. I give thanks for the acceptance and respect he received from people far and wide and for the heartwarming sight of him with his wagon and horse, dogs and roadside fire. He was the last of his kind I'm thinking, and the world is poorer for his passing.
Sunday 9 February 2020
Troubled
After waking up feeling rather miserable I gave thanks that most people imagine this doesn't happen to me! Also for remembering Clive was due earlyish so not really having time to dwell on the reasons why. I gave thanks for him taking the trouble to come and do some home improvement chores despite dire warnings about the weather. And it did turn out to be far more trouble than either of us could possibly have imagined...so I give thanks for perseverance, patience and good humour too.
I know I should be grateful we didn't have that much of a storm round here but sometimes, although of course one wouldn't want danger to life and limb, the lack of dramatic scenes seems a bit of a let down after all the hype. For Clive the main dangers seem to have been indoors, and I'm grateful though he gave me quite a scare a couple of times and there certainly was danger to life and limb, no actual injury incurred. I'm also grateful I managed to do a few useful tasks as assistant over and above making hot drinks for us, and for putting together some veggie stew for myself later. So I've made my tea and now I'm lying in my bed a while as it's been a busier day than my body quite felt quite capable of. I give thanks for plenty of rest planned for the rest of the evening.
I know I should be grateful we didn't have that much of a storm round here but sometimes, although of course one wouldn't want danger to life and limb, the lack of dramatic scenes seems a bit of a let down after all the hype. For Clive the main dangers seem to have been indoors, and I'm grateful though he gave me quite a scare a couple of times and there certainly was danger to life and limb, no actual injury incurred. I'm also grateful I managed to do a few useful tasks as assistant over and above making hot drinks for us, and for putting together some veggie stew for myself later. So I've made my tea and now I'm lying in my bed a while as it's been a busier day than my body quite felt quite capable of. I give thanks for plenty of rest planned for the rest of the evening.
Saturday 8 February 2020
Gentle
I'm grateful I planned ahead for a very gentle weekend mentally and physically. Of course, you never can be sure if plans will work out but I like to feel I'm trying to take care of myself as best as I can. I'm grateful I had managed to stock up with favourite easy to prepare foods, enjoyable books to read and Netflix/TV entertainment, and for the happy accident of the rather lengthy process of finding a cleaner finally resolving just in time for everything to be already scrubbed and clean. For the long running benefit battle resolved too so I can afford these comforts and conveniences.
I give thanks for dreaming, day dreaming and lolling about. For allowing myself to do so. For the Georgie boys with their noisy toys finished and headed north so it's been a rather peaceful day as well.
I give thanks for dreaming, day dreaming and lolling about. For allowing myself to do so. For the Georgie boys with their noisy toys finished and headed north so it's been a rather peaceful day as well.
Friday 7 February 2020
Wiped
I give thanks it's my birthday next week not this one as these double treatment Fridays can be very long and wearying, and grateful though I am for the wonderful way the NHS tries to keep me alive, it's a strain on the spirits as well as the body. I give thanks the fact I start the day with dialysis means I'm eligible for transport at the end of it but unfortunately no matter how much information they put in how ever many forms and systems the timing of neither kidney nor cancer therapy are exact sciences, and there can be so much waiting around I'm close to tears sometimes, especially when the booked taxi home has to be sent on its way without me and multiple muddles ensue.
I give thanks for non ward clerk staff trying to be helpful. For the patients who have partners, family and friends to ferry them to and fro, it's heartwarming to see them being cared for and nurtured. For being picked up at the third attempt, two hours late and in deep gloom, but by a chap who is one of my favourites so I felt better by the time I arrived. For starting the ball rolling for a possible alternative way of arranging transport which might make things easier for me eventually..
I give thanks for taking a large packed lunch to last me through the hours, and for pre-prepared food in the fridge to heat up when I got back to my kitchen. For sometimes having internet access during the long hours and for finishing the gripping, dark and funny You. And last but not least I give thanks that today was the first afternoon session of my new cleaner, so that no household chores had to be done.
I give thanks for non ward clerk staff trying to be helpful. For the patients who have partners, family and friends to ferry them to and fro, it's heartwarming to see them being cared for and nurtured. For being picked up at the third attempt, two hours late and in deep gloom, but by a chap who is one of my favourites so I felt better by the time I arrived. For starting the ball rolling for a possible alternative way of arranging transport which might make things easier for me eventually..
I give thanks for taking a large packed lunch to last me through the hours, and for pre-prepared food in the fridge to heat up when I got back to my kitchen. For sometimes having internet access during the long hours and for finishing the gripping, dark and funny You. And last but not least I give thanks that today was the first afternoon session of my new cleaner, so that no household chores had to be done.
Thursday 6 February 2020
Suited
I give thanks for only mildly losing my temper this afternoon when the oncology ward rang me to say I couldn't have treatment tomorrow hadn't had the right blood tests done yesterday despite giving the nurses on the ward the correctly filled in form twice and having its contents written in the unit diary . Short of running round the various hospital departments with my own vials clutched in my hand and standing over the appropriate people ensuring they complete the job I'm not sure what I was supposed to do about it...but then while on the call the missing results came through and everything was back on again. Blimey O'Reilly I give thanks my life isn't in these people's hands! Oh wait...scrub that last statement....
I was dragging some weighty essentials to the bus stop when this occurred, feeling I'd far rather be curled up cosy on the sofa...so I give thanks for just enough strength to get what needed to be done done, and get back with enough time for some cosy curling up before my new home help came round so we could check each other out. I give thanks she seemed very suitable, and for managing to stay awake and not chewing the furniture before she left and I could tuck into some late lunch and tuck myself up for a much needed nap.
I give thanks even without a full length mirror I could tell my new to me White Stuff dress from eBay fits and will look lovely. For deciding I should have more and more extravagant birthday presents this year...and, as I have to buy them myself, for choosing very wisely!
I was dragging some weighty essentials to the bus stop when this occurred, feeling I'd far rather be curled up cosy on the sofa...so I give thanks for just enough strength to get what needed to be done done, and get back with enough time for some cosy curling up before my new home help came round so we could check each other out. I give thanks she seemed very suitable, and for managing to stay awake and not chewing the furniture before she left and I could tuck into some late lunch and tuck myself up for a much needed nap.
I give thanks even without a full length mirror I could tell my new to me White Stuff dress from eBay fits and will look lovely. For deciding I should have more and more extravagant birthday presents this year...and, as I have to buy them myself, for choosing very wisely!
Wednesday 5 February 2020
Booted
And another lovely early spring day - I give thanks for not being the only patient expressing some regret at an afternoon stuck indoors! But for a good nap during my session as I woke up far too early...and for fitting in a bit of shopping to make the most of that long morning. When I passed the good but rather pricey shoe shop, I reminded myself I must go to a budget one soon for some cheap wellies for walking in snow, mud, sea etc. I don't do any of these very often, but when you want to nothing else will do. I give thanks for then spotting a box with a few pairs of shops soiled and faded ones reduced to £5, and coming home with these. They were the only ones in my size so I'm glad I've a soft spot for the motor vehicle depicted!
For a sunset that lasted all the way home! For the peacefulness of being on my own - everyone I've encountered today has been very chatty and, though the conversations have been pleasant enough, silence and solitude is very necessary to recharge and reboot on a very busy week.
For a sunset that lasted all the way home! For the peacefulness of being on my own - everyone I've encountered today has been very chatty and, though the conversations have been pleasant enough, silence and solitude is very necessary to recharge and reboot on a very busy week.
Tuesday 4 February 2020
Coastal
Another day, another hospital... and another route as transport is not provided for non-renal matters. Great thanks therefore for going coastal with a beautiful peaceful journey beside the sea and estuary this morning. Of course any day involving both hospital appointments and public transport is likely to involve a considerable amount of what feels like inconsiderate delay, so I was very grateful for an on time and unhassled start. For sunshine sparkling on water, bird footprints on the mudflats, fields of geese and fields of deer...
I give thanks for the friendly chattiness of the doctor. I'd not met this one before and approximately half the appointment consisted of her telling me about moving to the city some years ago and her views on it which, if she talked to everyone the same way, might explain why the schedule was so awry. I give thanks she thought I seemed OK but was waiting on the blood tests I have to have tomorrow to decide if treatment should proceed so we were both rather mystified as to why I was there at all. Oh well, I give thanks for five pots back free face mask from Lush and a nice hot lunch at Pret - which was ready to eat funnily enough! Also for a some nice customers more nimble than I giving up the ground floor table they'd bagged as I couldn't manage the stairs with my tray.
I give thanks for finding some nice biscuits in the cheap shop to keep me stocked up with calories when a points failure caused a lot of confusion and lengthy hanging around in a draughty station. I'm grateful for my train not being cancelled, moved to a different platform or having my stop missed out as happened to other travellers. For being home again while it's still bright and having a little relaxing me time.
I give thanks for the friendly chattiness of the doctor. I'd not met this one before and approximately half the appointment consisted of her telling me about moving to the city some years ago and her views on it which, if she talked to everyone the same way, might explain why the schedule was so awry. I give thanks she thought I seemed OK but was waiting on the blood tests I have to have tomorrow to decide if treatment should proceed so we were both rather mystified as to why I was there at all. Oh well, I give thanks for five pots back free face mask from Lush and a nice hot lunch at Pret - which was ready to eat funnily enough! Also for a some nice customers more nimble than I giving up the ground floor table they'd bagged as I couldn't manage the stairs with my tray.
I give thanks for finding some nice biscuits in the cheap shop to keep me stocked up with calories when a points failure caused a lot of confusion and lengthy hanging around in a draughty station. I'm grateful for my train not being cancelled, moved to a different platform or having my stop missed out as happened to other travellers. For being home again while it's still bright and having a little relaxing me time.
Monday 3 February 2020
Negative
I was thinking this morning I can usually tell before the taxi has got to the road out of town if the driver is going to be what I consider negative. As you might imagine today's chap showed all the signs. To be fair there's quite a few conversational styles that aren't quite positive enough for me tastes... There's the general whingers, the why is my life so hard types, the we are all doomed sorts, the people who, on the face of it, are upbeat but actually only want to tell you about how good they are at life - how they beat the system, put down adversaries, know more about everything than anyone else...and their close cousins who are full of tales about how bad other people are - often people of different ethnicity, political persuasion, income bracket etc and especially if they heard about it second hand! I give thanks for so
many opportunities to classify my fellow human beings when I struggle to maintain my side of what is essentially not even a conversation...
I give thanks for the driver this evening being one to whom I can (and do) genuinely say 'Thank goodness it's you!' It had been a day to try the patience of patients, staff and transport providers so it was good to have amiable chat on our delayed journey home.
I give thanks for already planning a not very active evening as it's a busy week ahead starting with an earlyish start to go back to the hospital tomorrow to see the oncologist. For planning to go a different route for this appointment to introduce some novelty and for going to get rail tickets this morning to avoid panic in the inevitable queues at the machine and ticket window when a train is due. For having a mac to hand when it started tipping it down just as I was about to leave...
I give thanks for seeing the funny side when a small avalanche of items displaced for decorating purposes resulted in a broken full length mirror. For someone in my position seven years of any kind of luck would be a bonus and, though disposal of the pieces will be tricky, I was more concerned that the heater which fell over too wasn't damaged. An evening's chill without its warmth would be something I'd probably have found it hard to be positive about...
many opportunities to classify my fellow human beings when I struggle to maintain my side of what is essentially not even a conversation...
I give thanks for the driver this evening being one to whom I can (and do) genuinely say 'Thank goodness it's you!' It had been a day to try the patience of patients, staff and transport providers so it was good to have amiable chat on our delayed journey home.
I give thanks for already planning a not very active evening as it's a busy week ahead starting with an earlyish start to go back to the hospital tomorrow to see the oncologist. For planning to go a different route for this appointment to introduce some novelty and for going to get rail tickets this morning to avoid panic in the inevitable queues at the machine and ticket window when a train is due. For having a mac to hand when it started tipping it down just as I was about to leave...
I give thanks for seeing the funny side when a small avalanche of items displaced for decorating purposes resulted in a broken full length mirror. For someone in my position seven years of any kind of luck would be a bonus and, though disposal of the pieces will be tricky, I was more concerned that the heater which fell over too wasn't damaged. An evening's chill without its warmth would be something I'd probably have found it hard to be positive about...
Sunday 2 February 2020
Convenient
Gave a lot of thanks for the sofa last night - my goodness me I was tired and sore! For a long soak in the bath when I could get up off it, for sleeping rather well and staying mostly in bed until lunchtime. Even when I was technically out of it I still spent a lot of today in need of horizontal padded surfaces, shut eyes and shut off brain.
I'm grateful for the times when I seem to be mostly able and well...and for managing to look after myself quite well in the times when I most definitely am not. For a wide range of 'convenience' food including often overlooked ones like ready made bread and all the things we put on it or between its slices, vegetables, fruit and tea someone else has grown and all the kinds of milk prepared for our consumption - it's easy to take such great good fortune for granted. For a variety of pre-prepared on screen entertainment too, plus electricity, heaters and lights. For the pain killers I'm allowed to take.
I'm grateful for the times when I seem to be mostly able and well...and for managing to look after myself quite well in the times when I most definitely am not. For a wide range of 'convenience' food including often overlooked ones like ready made bread and all the things we put on it or between its slices, vegetables, fruit and tea someone else has grown and all the kinds of milk prepared for our consumption - it's easy to take such great good fortune for granted. For a variety of pre-prepared on screen entertainment too, plus electricity, heaters and lights. For the pain killers I'm allowed to take.
Saturday 1 February 2020
Parky
I give thanks for a bright mild day despite the a nippy wind. For getting off the bus a stop early before meeting Mima so I could walk down through the barky park full of different shrubs and trees and a favourite with vocal dogs. For a cup of tea and a shared tea cake outdoors looking at the sea and sea birds zooming down into the water to catch to catch their lunch. I've not been to that park or that kiosk for such a long time and they fitted well into my plan to try to find ways to introduce more of what I enjoy into my life, whole I'm fit enough to do so.
For just enough energy left to buy a few bits and make mash from the last sweet potato in the veg shop that came home with me for an early tea before a late siesta. For a sachet of Jamie Oliver's Lovely Lentils well spotted by Julie in Sainsbury's the other day - they do exactly what the say on the packet! Oh and for a nice little saucepan well spotted by Mima in a charity shop recently after I'd said I couldn't find one.
All this followed a busy morning being brave with some rather large dodgy plaster patches and removing them. Either I'll manage to repair the gaps with filler or I won't but either way they had to go. For realising how lucky I have been with the walls in such an old building with just one relatively small bad area to sort out. For a moment of mentally standing back from myself and the situation I'm in, and also realising I'm actually quite a remarkable human being!
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