Sunday 30 April 2017

Cats and dogs

I give thanks for a trip to the pictures...in a mini theatre in the next little seaside town (no extra clues needed there for Liz I'm sure), £5.50 a seat and only £1 for tea in a cup and saucer! The film was OK, making sanitized family fun out of a moving but darker true story, but what fascinated me was that though they managed to find a good actor for the lead, despite all the trained cat doubles they had in the wings, it was only the real cat who could reproduce some of his particular traits, so he ended up playing himself a lot of the time. All doting owners think their pets are special I'm sure, and even sceptical science has started to reveal how much more 'like us' other animals are however, just like 'us' there are always going to be some who are brighter, more aware...or capable of communicating their awareness (this is where the lingering academic in me wants to add a proper bracketed reference or two, but here's an intellectually undemanding internet link instead
http://www.classicfm.com/composers/bach/news/goldfish-can-recognise-classical-music/ )

I give thanks for how relaxed going out in the evening usually is round here, the rowdiest thing last night being big waves crashing on the beach. For thinking (as usual) I must do this more often...even though I hardly ever do because, of course, it's so much nicer doing it with other people. For coming home and attempting to muster the ingredients for instant trifle but, finding no cream or ready made custard, pouring advocaat over fruit in jelly and sponge instead. Alcohol is not my specialised subject as you know but I get the impression brandy is a bit stronger than sherry...

I give thanks for squeezing my earplugs in especially snugly. I'm not adverse to a bit of a tinkle now and then but a neighbour has installed a tinny windchime in one of the gardens below - I suspect the woman with high pitched voice and matching terrier. I give thanks when I had a dog, though he was quite small and cute (cocker spaniel) he had a deep toned big dog bark...and when I had a wind chime it was very large, made of bamboo...and indoors!

I give thanks for a warm bun for breakfast, and some leftover roasted pepper pasta with salad and garlic bread for a late lunch...eaten with my fingers cos when you live by yourself you can! For a long strenuous stint as an ice warrior in between, the freezer being reclaimed, the contents surviving unscathed in their carefully constructed insulated nest...and the motor starting up straight away when I switched it back on. Phew!

For a knuckle gnawing race finish and a new flying Finn on top of the podium (I've mentioned my prediliction before I'm sure) For receiving the preview of the marketing details for my flat. It looks very nice to me...but I guess I'm probably biased. For the heavy rain being mercifully brief as I've done enough water bearing for today...


Saturday 29 April 2017

Clean slate

I give thanks for meeting a man I'd thought for more than a year was myth...and finding it isn't so! He is a real life flesh and blood roofer contracted to not only fix the leaks but make good the internal decoration of the communal areas. I give thanks he seemed such a reasonable chap and appreciated a guided tour of all water damage so he could assess what was relevant and what was not..

My bank balance is currently cowering behind the sofa but I give thanks I only have to pay a percentage of the total cost and, of course, have a legal right to be given and query quotes. It will be money well spent in so many ways anyhow, as anyone who's been here will know...and it will also make the place so much more worth someone else spending money on to have these matters finally in hand...I give great thanks for my persistence and perseverance.

Having been so busy being awesome this last few weeks, I give thanks for giving myself the most of the rest of the day off, and after getting on with everyday domestic chores and a decent lunch of leftovers snoozing peacefully on the sofa to the sound of F1 engines as only I can do. I give thanks for waking craving cheese on toast - a simpler urge to satisfy than Welsh Rarebit especially as I'm out of eggs! For whiling away a few minutes doing an autism test...I couldn't understand several of the questions, let alone how one was supposed to answer them, which probably says as much as my score...

I give thanks for an early bath running as I'm off out to the piccies with Mima tonight and though there might be an excuse for my personality for my appearance there is not!

Friday 28 April 2017

Cat calls

I give thanks I speak call centre. Anyone who's worked in one, emotionally scarred though they may be, will have picked up some skills to enable them to create a kind of empathy with advisors who hold their account life on their screens. Of course they may still click on all the things you wish they wouldn't...but they will do it with the impression that the customer cares!

I give thanks I can also produce a stonking paralegal document or letter, and that ones sent recently seem to be producing results. Fool if you think you can ride roughshod over the will of the law...and me! I always prefer to do it chummy and cazh...but I can be chillingly formal, and downright scary if required. The chap I was talking to today worked in Cardiff so I had first hand experience of his office environment, but also remembered terrorising a hotel receptionist when I did a stint there by brandishing my sharp tongue. This seriously impressed my colleague (male, obviously!) but, with hindsight, I give thanks I try to be kinder now.

I give thanks for doing some of the useful things I needed to do in town and something useful when I got back - attacking the tricksy door lock with a screw driver and some WD40. Having had a few tussles with it earlier I was scared to shut myself out and see if it worked, but Laura came round a little later and used her keys with no trouble at all so I suspect it might have helped. I give thanks for a good old catch up natter...and that she loved my new mugs, I knew she would as she finds Moorish design as moreish as I do...


I give thanks for this collection of companionable but self contained cats - none of whom actually live in the garden with the table I might add...

For someone on a mission they weren't looking forward to finding something to smile about and sending me a photo to prove it (suits you sir!)...and for someone else, sharing a seemingly impossible mission with me this week having another attempt. We have all become so used to doing things on line it can be quite perplexing when we find we can't...


Thursday 27 April 2017

Space saver

A mite fatigued again today, and somewhat sore to boot, I give thanks for giving Jack the ladder the boot for the duration, and busying myself with a lower level of activity...

For a morning message to say a delivery slot was slap bang in the middle of the day, thus making going out before or after too complicated to contemplate. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! For liaising with the driver by looking out of the window at the crucial moment, opening it and shouting 'Hello?' He said he was trying to ring my home number at the time but it said it couldn't connect me...I've had other people say they can't get through, but not all of the people all of the time so they'll just have to keep trying...

For a several lengthy (but free!) outgoing calls about this and that, including a fruitful one to see about saving some money on calls that aren't...

For almost managing to sort out a set of spare keys that work. They work better if they fly through space and land in people's hands...not on the road below!

For sorting out some more stuff for disposal. I might not have a ten gallon life but my generous quart will need to fit into a pint sized down size somehow...

For a spot of something quite unrelated to removal (oh bliss!) - only crossword compiling but it still diverted my mind and let me save some energy for other diversions to come (oh please!)

Wednesday 26 April 2017

Setting sale

A mite fatigued, I give thanks for starting the day slowly. My horoscope said there should be a sense of beginning anew with fresh energy regarding domestic matters, security and comfort...so, after propping myself upright and my eyelids open I give thanks for doing the sensible thing and getting up in time to have a final tidy round before welcoming in the estate agent and instructing her to proceed! I give thanks for finding someone I feel comfortable doing business with.

It's a big journey into the unknown but I have had a long time to be sure it's what I want to do and it does feel right...and actually less stressful now I've made the first step and the next ones are out of my hands. In fact I felt so relaxed I spent a lot of the rest of the afternoon dozing on the sofa in between pretending to watch TV and giving the 'tool shed' a very thorough sort through. I give thanks for all of the above. and also that a handywoman has agreed to relieve me of whatever DIY equipment and materials I cannot envisage doing it myself with again.














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Tuesday 25 April 2017

Undone

Well, after all that winding up I give thanks for finally winding down...falling asleep on the sofa within an hour of Rachel unneedling me, feeling properly relaxed for the first time in ages. In fact if I hadn't got so physically chilled lying still as the temperature dropped I'd have dropped off sooner I'm sure. Instead I attempted to have conversations with a couple of people on line. I give thanks to Colin for coping with my incoherence, and to Jan for being unperturbed by my slipping into unconsciousness...

I give thanks for persuading the oven to not quite incinerate pizza for our tea, and we could eat that with our hands while finishing the jigsaw which has been going on for ages, getting sidelined when movement was possible again and so many undone things needed attention. That puzzle itself now undone again, the table is clear for business talk tomorrow...and my head as well...


Still very la la this morning I give thanks for getting going in time and in fine enough fettle for a spot of furniture moving - first of all the old cooker away from the wall to clean beneath and behind, then some items in the living room so that door will open to it's full extent and after that a bit of rearranging of the stuff previously in the way, so that it wasn't any more. You don't need a degree in hippy to suspect someone round here has some subliminal issues with liminal spaces, do you?

I give thanks as well as hefting and hoovering, scrubbing and sprucing, there were some sitting downy jobs as well...and that some of those went OK... For the friendly efficient (and strong) delivery men and that, though I wouldn't say I've fallen in love with the new appliance yet I haven't fallen out with it either. I'd have preferred to have an Aga of course, but I reckon the guys preferred that I didn't!

For hours of bright sunshine before dark skies and showers, plus a fleeting flurry of snow...oh and a sudden but brief little breeze that I thought might turn into wind but didn't...so I hope those who were hoping for a proper blow got more!

Monday 24 April 2017

Peace of pudding

I give thanks for making myself pudding last night. Not for after dinner but for instead! My appetites for both cooking and eating are a tad jaded right now but it doesn't take much effort to whip up an apple and forest fruits Eve's pudding, nor to demolish two servings without realising you've done it. I give thanks for wedging the cooker door shut as it was nippy in the kitchen so I didn't mind some heat escaping, and as the oven really only seems to have two settings - chilled and chargrilled - it made for a sort of 'medium' temperature inside and a better bake.

I give thanks for a series of short videos on Facebook of a park not far from here I have been longing to visit. Not suffering unduly after yesterday's walking I'm wondering if I might get there soon but yesterday was downhill and on the flat, whereas this would be down and up and down at least...if not and up again after! There are a lot of seats though...and it's all looking so lush with new growth. Maybe next week when Jan is here? I give thanks for being able even to think of it as a possibility...

I give thanks for being able to take it physically easy this morning, catching up with internet chores before getting stuck into more cleaning and tidying up this afternoon. It's been weeks since anyone has been at my place but me, and as I tend to leave my specs off indoors it's been interesting putting them on and seeing all the cobwebs and dirt with fresh (focused) eyes.

I give thanks for finding this story which is often in my mind, but not anywhere on my computer. I came across a USB drive sorting through boxes at the weekend however and after plugging it in I found it!  Ooh, and I give thanks Rachel is on her way...I'm in need of some therapy!



Peace of Cake

Callista was not a physically appealing child. With eyelashes too stubby for effective fluttering and mousy hair too lank for winsome tossing, she valiantly mimicked but failed to master the prepubescent wiles of her peers. Her juvenile torso, the approximate shape of a dogfish egg case, was in no way enhanced by the frilly, flowery clothing she wore and her thick ankles and wrists were only brought to unfortunate attention by the strappy sandals and jangling bangles that struggled to surround them.

Her mother, similarly ill-favoured, chose her daughter’s name and wardrobe in the vain hope of cheating the fate of her genes and producing a pretty cygnet rather than the kind of ugly duckling girl that she herself had been. She had won her husband in an era when good looks were less of a necessity in finding a partner. While her classmates waltzed their way to romance in clouds of scent and organza she had joined her own mother at the Women’s Institute produce stall. Pinafore clad, she waited behind her prize-winning pies and preserves in as confident anticipation of attracting a suitor as a more alluring girl might do with a tempting cleavage before her.

No oil painting himself, Callista’s father was nonetheless a kindly, practical man. It was he who selected her middle name (the plainer, more honest, Jane) and, in almost as unrealistic hope as his wife’s, attempted to steer the female members of his household towards the tracksuit racks when forced to accompany them shopping. He wanted his daughter to appreciate and accentuate the qualities she did possess - her warm heart and cool hands with pastry - instead of laying herself open to ridicule by falling in with her mother’s predilection for dressing her in the confections of the day.

Mercifully, in adolescence Callista began exhibit some of her father’s common sense. She took to wearing shapeless garments of indeterminate hue and soon learnt to forego the current mating rituals and their unflattering venues. Pubs and clubs were not settings that did her justice. Alcohol made her already red nose shine, lycra gave her the appearance of a duvet stuffed into a bin bag. She seemed happy to spend her evenings and weekends at home honing her culinary skills, her pocket money on cookery books and extra utensils and ingredients to supplement her mother’s traditionally stocked kitchen cupboards. She bought a crème brulée torch and fancy shaped cookie cutters, stem ginger in syrup, cinnamon sticks and star anise.

With a sweet tooth and no slender figure to maintain she indulged a growing passion for the preparation, and especially the consumption, of cakes and biscuits, puddings and desserts. Though happy to eat their share of these delicious treats, her parents wondered how their daughter’s solitary hobby would help her achieve the kind of fulfilling companionship that had sustained them over the years. When Callista left school never having even been asked on a date they put their heads together. Her mother began to trawl her address book and contact long out of touch relatives, inviting distant male cousins of suitable age and sexual orientation to stay. Her father persuaded the odd unattached apprentice, willing and eager to please their foreman, to come round for Sunday tea.

Callista plied these hapless chaps with buttered bara brith and many layered Black Forest gateau, with crisp macaroons and snowy peaks of strawberry studded pavlova…except for the one who proved to be diabetic. But, perhaps as overwhelmed by the quantity of food as the quantity of Callista herself, if the visitors’ eyes strayed with longing from their plates it was to the slow moving hands of the clock on the wall and not the young woman beside them. She remained an unclaimed treasure.

Regeneration in the centre of town saw the demise of the indoor market. The wooden table across which Callista’s parents’ eyes first met was no more and they racked their brains for some other way of courting courtship for their daughter. They reasoned that an older man, a boss perhaps, might see beyond her less than lovely exterior and recognise what contentment she could bring to their inner regions.

She was enrolled on an office skills course at a nearby college where she found to her surprise that her fingers so nimble with an icing nozzle fumbled with space bar and mouse. Unhindered by a social life however, she diligently devoted herself to her studies and when the year was out added the qualification to several unsuccessful job applications. Once again her father did what he could to assist, making enquiries among his business contacts until Callista was taken on by a double glazing firm. The manager was a harassed looking woman in her forties with no discernable Sapphic tendencies - so no chance of romance there - but her parents were relieved that their daughter had now emerged into an arena where she might find the one who would cherish her.

Callista answered the phone and sent out invoices, tasks that required no particular physical attributes. Good natured and generous, she got on well with the rest of the staff but always turned down any invitations to join their rowdy office nights out, the birthday celebrations, the leaving dos, the infamous Christmas party. Instead she baked festive food appropriate to the occasion, providing iced Victoria sponges complete with the relevant number of candles, simnel cake decorated with marzipan eggs, sugar dusted pies brimming with brandy laden mincemeat.

The single salesmen received particular attention when their birthdays came around with recipes chosen to show she recognised what was special about them. There was lemon drizzle for acerbic Sam, coffee for dusky complexioned Hassan, pecan pie for Jed who hailed from across the Atlantic, and even a fruit cake for Toby whose heart was immune to feminine charms but who still had a stomach to please. Yet, though the recipients thanked her profusely, not one began to recognise the special things about her.

Thus uneventfully the seasons went by. Her boss took a long sabbatical to raise a pre-menopausal baby and Toby moved into her role and office. Sam left under a shadow to join a rival firm. It seemed to Callistas parents that despite their best efforts their daughter would remain a spinster all her life, caring for them until their deaths before quietly going to her own. In fact it was during a discussion of this that her father, uncharacteristically careless, took his eyes off the road and hands off the wheel for a moment to express his concern to his wife and slammed at some considerable speed into the side of a turning lorry. They were both killed instantly.

She inherited the house of course, the mortgage cleared a few years previously. There were two insurance policies that paid out handsomely and a comfortable little nest egg of savings. Callista had never spent a whole wage packet throughout her working life. Her bank balance had been very healthy before the accident; now she became a little richer day by day.

Her colleagues were sympathetic about her loss and made suggestions as to how she could spend her unaccompanied time, her accumulating money. Take in a lodger, they said, take a holiday, join a dating agency. But none of these ideas appealed. They were the only people left in Callista’s world yet remained unable to help her define her dreams, her plans, her hopes of happiness. When the prettiest girl in the office got married she declined to attend but proudly made the wedding cake when requested. This poignantly romantic creation of fondant flowers and spun sugar lace was admired by all at the reception in a way that Callista was beginning to wonder if she herself would ever be.

A few months later the work syndicate’s numbers came up on the lottery and while the others blew their shares on clothes and cruises, on cost price conservatories and cars they’d been coveting, Callista worked out she could live on her winnings for the next few years, and handed in her notice.

She had the ancient gas cooker ripped out and replaced with a duel fuel, double oven Aga. It radiated a constant cosy glow and was always ready to cook, in much the same way as its owner. Now no one could notice or comment on what she ate, Callista gradually eliminated everything from her diet but the cakes and cookies and puddings she made. Nothing else was necessary for nourishment she decided. There was protein enough in the eggs and nuts and seeds she used, the dollops of cream or mascarpone cheese. Dried and fresh fruits would provide vitamins and minerals, and even a vegetable or two cropped up here and there, in pumpkin pie and marrow jam. And, of course, there was fat and sugar and carbohydrate aplenty.

She bought a computer and keyboard with extra large keys for her extra large fingertips and discovered the discretion of internet shopping. She found sites where she could order all her baking things, her toiletries and household needs, her hard to find plus size garments. It was soon after that she stopped going out. There seemed to be no point as so many things could be sent directly to her. Before long the only people she spoke to were delivery drivers and the occasional customer service advisor with a telephone query or order.

She exercised a little every day, bending down to fill or unload the dishwasher, chopping and kneading, creaming and folding, slow solid steps between range and kitchen table. When the narrow stairs became too much of a squeeze she made the old scullery into a wet room allowing ample space for ablutionary manoeuvre and invested in a sturdy double sofa bed that she left made up in the living room to nap whenever she chose. Though her realm was shrinking Callista grew, and grew contented too. The only thing missing from her life was someone with whom to share all its sweetness. But good things are waiting for those who wait. Callista still believed her hero would come for her, inevitably, eventually. And eventually, sure enough, he did. Or rather they did because funnily enough long-awaited heroes sometimes, like the buses of urban myth, come along in threes.

The first was a paramedic summoned on the advice of the Samaritans after a desperately breathless call when she thought she might be dying and had no one else to tell. She had collapsed on the bed by the time he arrived, the struggle to don a satin kimono in which to greet him proving too much of a challenge. Resourceful as his calling required, he found his way round to the unlocked kitchen door. Tenderly, respectfully, he coaxed the inadequate folds of the slippery garment over the mountainous folds of her flesh and helped her to her feet. No one had touched Callista’s skin for a very long time and her heartbeats skipped in a far more pleasant manner than they had done a few hours before.

Her second rescuer was the builder contracted by Social Services to dismantle part of the wall, for Callista, now larger even than the Aga, could leave no other way. She knew he was not the one she yearned for when he gobbled up her cherry topped Bakewells as indifferently as if they’d come from a packet, but she remembered him with fondness to the end of her days as the one who released her from her self satisfying confinement.

The third and most significant man to enter Callista’s life was a red haired reporter from the local newspaper who arrived at her hospital bedside the following morning hoping for a scoop on this human interest tale. Easing his ample buttocks onto an inadequate plastic chair he took out his notebook and began to ask gently probing questions. Callista was not really listening though.

Would you like a piece of cake?’ she whispered. For somehow she had managed to secrete amongst her voluminous nightclothes a Tupperware box containing remnants of her previous diet to supplement the Spartan nutritional regime now imposed on her.

Mmmm, carrot cake - my favourite!’ he exclaimed, suitably furtively, but smiling in moist mouthed anticipation at the butter cream coated slices.

Rotating the portion between his sausage shaped fingers, he gazed as if tasting it with his eyes before he took a surprisingly dainty bite. Callista watched him chew and swallow, the flick of his tongue to capture a crumb that strayed onto the first of his chins. She savoured his sigh of satisfaction, mirroring it unconsciously with a blissful one of her own. All the ingredients were gathered together, the blending could begin. The emptiness of Callista’s soul was filling with peace at last.



Sunday 23 April 2017

Subject to contract

I give thanks for the pearly sea yesterday evening. For the golden light just after sunrise. For a pillow to rest my weary head on in between...and a duvet to wrap around my weary heart.

For finding out a flat I'd had my eye on for a while is now sold subject to contract...because though it's better to have faith and hope, it's better it's not misplaced...

For 'reaching out' to other people a little (albeit mostly virtually) as I'm subject to contraction myself when I'm feeling sad. For honouring the sadness but trying not to dwell...though there are so many contributory factors it's hard to avoid encountering or considering them at all. For keeping on noticing things to be grateful for...remembering and noting them down even though sometimes it's hard to remember why...

For Mima inviting me to her place for lunch in her almost sunny courtyard...nice anyway, but always a bonus when your cooker doesn't work! For walking there without discomfort - which obviously doesn't mean a lot if you don't know the distance between but it's a further distance than I've walked in one go since the s word, so that's all you need to know!

For winning a battle with the freezer door by means of a hairdryer. For winning a battle with the downstairs door with a little help from my friend...

For these pretty trees in their underwear as murkiness sets in... For all the folk who thought this post title meant something far more jolly. Keep believing on my behalf please will you? Because sometimes I struggle to keep doing it on my own...







Saturday 22 April 2017

The body dutiful

Well Easter came early and Easter came late this year. I give thanks for my second consumable treat arriving!

Um, ho hum...what else to say? I give thanks for waking very early but that it was morning and not still the night...for soon getting busy in the 4' 6" office. For getting out and doing what I set out to do despite both me and the weather being rather dispirited.

Sometimes you just have to feel the drear and do it anyway, especially when you need to go to places that shut at lunchtime. For the main road traffic moving quite freely so the cabs weren't too costly. For managing all the walking about and carrying quite easily though the wait at the rank was slow and standing still still quickly gets painful. For grinning to myself thinking a visitor to the town might look at the row of elderly and hobbling women on the corner keenly eyeing slow moving cars...and consider availing themselves of personal services elsewhere!

For finding somewhere where a cup of takeaway tea still costs a pound, watching the grey sea and grey sky and all the people passing by trying to let my low mood pass as well. For the kind young neighbour answering her bell and letting me in when the lock jammed in the downstairs door. For buying some plastic lidded boxes to sort some more stuff into and later making a start on that...though mostly just lying on the sofa wishing I could sort out me.

Friday 21 April 2017

Good four tins

I give thanks for hearing some news of family good fortune, goodwill...and well...familiness! Not something Bob and I experience much out on our little twig... 

For unpacking and filling my new tea caddies...after coveting and convincing myself I 'deserved' them, that they'd help make the kitchen appealing to property viewing eyes, comfort me if I don't get any good offers or oportunities...and, on those magical days when someone makes me a cup of tea here, mean I can request the type by colour to make things simpler. The old ones were a gift several years ago along with a utensil pot, and as the tins were more than I ought to have spent, finding a 99p ceramic jar of just the right size for wooden spoons and so on in the charity shop yesterday was a bonus. I give thanks to Mima for lending me the money as I'd deliberately left my purse in the car on the grounds I was supposed to be getting rid of stuff not gaining it!


I give thanks for the wonderful Norwegian scenery on a Walter Presents series. For having seen some of it myself a couple of years ago, back when my camera lens wasn't like the surface of the moon. I keep seeing old photos come up on Facebook and thinking I've lost my touch but I think maybe it's not me... For managing to get up and go to bed last night in between repeatedly falling asleep on the sofa despite its charms...and getting back to sleep when I woke up much too early this morning.

For feeling more mellow today, still getting stuff done but not fretting so much about that which is undone...and that which I can do nothing about! For chucking more stuff that has no purpose in my life... And hanging on to faith.

Thursday 20 April 2017

Rug and bin merchants

Sooo...hmmm...Flaming pink and orange sunset yesterday evening..I give thanks for catching the end of that.

For the bright crescent moon and stars when I woke in the night and couldn't get back to sleep

For the words of a young boy reported missing (and found safe and sound!) in the first of a series of BBC documentaries. He was described as having learning difficulties but understood how when people were unkind, not realising he had feelings just like them, there was comforting magic to be found in the world of nature...so pretty wise nonetheless!

For Mima assenting to assist me with a carload of dispossessions (I got a job lot on s's), so I could sort out a whole lot more stuff to go... In the process finding a notebook in which I recorded something that had pleased me in every day for a few months at the end of 2002/early 2003. They were mostly just one liners...a lot about nice walks, or moments of pleasant communication with colleagues.. And one when I just said 'Nope, can't think of a thing'...Ah well, I was just a beginner then..

For the sun coming out in time for a cuppa and cake at a place I'd never been before just across the river and up the hill a little to a jaw dropping view (of which this is a rubbish picture). You can eat in the evening there as well. Oh I wish!

For the rug I'd planned to deliver to a charity shop getting out at Mima's instead where it would 'do for now' on her newly exposed floorboards, and was particularly appreciated by Molly the cat. For her offering me an unwanted small pedal bin of a size and shape I'd failed to find on line earlier as part of the flat 'window dressing' process that's planned before the estate agent comes (back) next week.

For not needing to do any of that tonight. I give thanks for leftovers to heat up and a cuddly throw to snuckle up under. I've been pushing myself as hard as I can, but sometimes I need to pull over...


Wednesday 19 April 2017

Colour block

I give thanks for a good long sleep last night. Everything seems worse when you're tired doesn't it? I give thanks for another bright spring day. I have a great longing to go out and play, to travel about a while and see some different horizons even just for an hour or two but, out yesterday and tomorrow for day to day tasks, I had to stay in and conserve reserves today. I give thanks for delving into the corners of the bathroom instead, unexplored and untouched by cleaning hands for longer than I care to admit...for such a small room it has a lot of corners!

There's been a lot going on (and not going on!) for which I've not being giving thanks today...so I give thanks for thinking about some things I have been grateful for over the last few days and haven't remembered to say...

For the people who've taken the time to 'talk' to me now and then. I've been feeling very out of sorts what with one thing and another and a little virtual chitchat can brighten the spirits a bit. I also give thanks I know you mustn't rely on others to do the brightening...nor spirits if it comes to that...though I did enjoy small portion of sherry trifle last night, and I'm grateful there's some left for later!

For finding 2 Denby-esque bowls, side and dinner plates for a fiver the lot in one of the charity shops in town yesterday...and in good condition too! Most of my china is at least second hand and the glaze is getting scratched and pitted, so a newer sort of old is good and I like the shape of these...and the toning shades of body and rim though I can't quite decide what to call them. The big plates don't fit on the plate rack in the cupboard however, which annoyed me intensely until I decided just to leave them on the drainer until next time they're used instead.

For part of a conversation overheard on the busy breezy seafront. There was a rather elderly brown lady sitting on a bench and two beige coloured ones, not in the first flush of youth either, came along and asked 'Do you mind if we join you?' The newcomers were discussing how they'd not have as much colour when they got home as people they knew who'd been to the continent over the holiday. 'Shame I can't give you a bit of mine...' said the brown lady. 'Oh, I wish you could!' said the younger beige one, rolling up her trousers to reveal magnolia calves. 'Have you seen English legs? They're not a pretty sight until they've been in the sun a bit...'

For that sun now setting in a place I don't have to hang out of the kitchen window to see...

Tuesday 18 April 2017

Home cooking

It is one of life's cruel ironies that the more your health deteriorates the more housework there is to do, as you are in it more creating it. I give thanks for rallying yesterday day evening and getting supper cooked and some cleaning and tidying up done. Sorting out is a very messy business!

I give thanks for the aroma of the lentil stew fortifying me. It smells of...of...(I thought long and hard about this)...home! I don't have a sense of home as a place...or people...I've never felt safe or settled enough I guess, which is sad in a way but at least if you've never had it you can't lose it, you know? And if you've always had to look after yourself, I think maybe you learn to treasure the way you do somehow...including the stew you've been making for forty years or so! I remember a TV programme about kids in care and the presenter, who had been himself, saying to a sad teenager 'It feels like no one's there, doesn't it?' 'Well, you have to be...you have to be there for yourself' And you do!

So I give thanks that I am...and I do what I can do... and for the delicious stew, which felt like being hugged from the inside out.

I give thanks for fixing the kitchen blind (hooray!) but not the oven door (boohoo!)  I tried all the things I've tried before to make it shut (apart from lying on my back and using my legs because I know that really hurts now) ...but all I got for my pains was more pains in more places. I give thanks I woke very early as it took a long time to get them out of bed, during which time I give thanks for remembering (eventually, after a lot of self criticism) though feeble failure and fibromyalgia share some letters and characteristics they are not the same thing. Every cloud has a silver lining and being so incapacitated for so long with sciatica I'd forgotten how much the rest of my body could hurt. I give thanks for all the people who have debilitating health conditions and people to say 'Here, let me help with that!'

So...hmm...some pain in the bank balance too I guess. The original cooker was bought almost 10 years ago 'to tide me over until the kitchen is done' and is battered, indelibly stained, rusty in parts and far from efficient...so in many ways I don't mind having to replace it at all, but there's a lot of reasons why I'd not have chosen right now if it could have been avoided. However, even if I could find a way round using an oven for a while I can't show folks round a flat with a dangling oven door... Secondhand would be fine apart from the logistics, so I'm grateful I've the money to buy new and to cover delivery and fitting...and taking the old one away! For the internet to look at options on line, and that I could rearrange the things I had to do to fit in a trip to peruse the electrical shops in town here which have rubbish websites! For the strength to make the journey and a big bag of stuff to go to the charity shop so I needed a cab for at least part of it. I give thanks for the sunshine smiling on me...and hoards of other people...

I give thanks for doing very little since I got home except buying a cooker on line - not from a shop in town here, nor a big chainstore either, but an old fashioned family firm based in the north of the county (and the one next door) that I've dealt with before and know I can rely on for excellent service at a very reaonable price. They also had a cooker that I can bear to buy bearing in mind I might have to leave it behind if I move...and could bear to take with me if not! I give thanks I made enough stew for another meal, and that I'm sure I can manage just fine without garlic bread on the side...for the next week!

Monday 17 April 2017

Dependence day

I give thanks for my favourite Higgedy spinach, feta and pine nut pie for my 'festive' tea. Even when I've tried to be a full time carnivore I've baulked at baby sheep... for goodness sake, that's like eating kittens! In fact after satisfying my meat craving last month I've become extra squeamish and have to turn away from the TV during the prep of most mains on Come Dine with Me. What I have been craving is lentil stew the way I used to make it before the potassium police had me in nutritional lock down, with chopped toms and potatoes. Oh, what the whatever, the lentils are soaking now. And the potatoes, to leach them as a good little kidney patient should...

I give thanks for doing something I don't ever remember doing for myself before - changing one of the kitchen spotlight bulbs. I've tried a few times but it's too high up and fiddly...and it was still too high up and fiddly last night but just on the point of giving up again I got lucky! If I manage to move from here I'll miss the spacious gracious feeling of high ceilings but not the practicalities...

I give thanks for watching two ships and the pilot boat steer carefully through the shallows into port after nightfall. One of them was lit up like a carnival float...beautiful...

I give thanks for my hands being able to find things in the dark. Not as much fun as it sounds I'm sure but it's useful to be able to reach for my water bottle without turning on the light or even opening my eyes if I wake up thirsty. Last night I remembered to be grateful for that, but was puzzled when I couldn't put the bottle back on the bedside table afterwards. I kept putting it down but I could tell it wasn't making contact with a flat surface. Then I remembered a cup was on there too and in the way so (still in the dark) I put that on the floor and put the bottle down safely. In the morning I saw how full the cup had been and gave thanks for not knocking it over!

I give thanks for an early night, for a strange dream of being cross with some people and going off in a huff to buy a scooter. No, not a mobility scooter...a vintage Vespa or Lambretta was what I had in mind! For waking up so tired and sore and sad I was quite grateful I didn't have anything nice to do, nor anyone nice to do it with... Some days looking after myself is all I can manage so I give thanks for managing that! Don't know how I'd cope without myself sometimes, I really don't... particular thanks to me for the lunchtime omelette. Very nice indeed!

Sunday 16 April 2017

Egg timing

I give thanks there was no need for an Easter egg hunt today - I've had one on top of the fridge awaiting seasonal attention for a few weeks now. Just what the doctor delivered! I give thanks I'm good at waiting too...

After my late start I give thanks for being able to stay awake later in the evening yesterday and enjoy Scandinavian people giving each other grief. The architecture, scenery and interior decor fascinates me as much as the story lines...and due to all the screening over here the Danish police headquarters must be now as familiar a landmark as the Little Mermaid. I give thanks for the ironing mysteriously being done when I got up this morning. Must have finished it while I was watching Department Q, I guess...which was a shame in a way as I meant to do it while keeping an eye on the Grand Prix today...

I give thanks for a flying Finn on pole... and on one of the steps of the podium. My sporting affiliations have as much to do with personal presentation as skill, thus as I prefer my racing drivers terse and cool I've a soft spot for the Finnish guys (and as I find exuberant tennis players endearing they're often French!)

I give thanks for the memory of last Sunday's summeriness. I've been struggling to get warm today, so as the race was set to record I went and had a hot bubbly bath, missing the start of the programme but reckoning I could fast forward through chit chat, adverts, safety cars etc. So, nicely cooked, wrapped in towel and dressing gown, I fetched some water and an apple (so pure - sometimes!), sat on the sofa and turned on the TV to discover it was on the right channel...and four red lights were on... five...green...and they're off! Eggsquisite timing!

I give thanks all being well I can have a couple of days out with Jan when she comes to stay. I'm grateful I'm getting all this long overdue sorting out and cleaning done but I seem to have gone straight from being hardly able to do a thing to hardly being able to stop...until I drop. Though it's all useful stuff I feel a great need to spend time on stuff in my life that's just for fun. You know the kind of thing I'm sure...activities (and inactivities) for relaxation and pleasure... going places, seeing people...people that aren't shopkeepers, cab drivers or medical professionals...well, unless they're having some time off themselves, of course...

Saturday 15 April 2017

Something old, something new

I give thanks for an early night and managing to get up in time despite sleeping late. It was the only day of the long weekend I was supposed to be anywhere and I was like zombi second thing, having missed first thing altogether!

Though a bit stiff and sore I give thanks for a jolly potter round our friendly town, getting a little busy and bustly already with all the visitors flocking to partake of its therapeutic qualities. Well, you can't blame them... For picking up my new specs and liking them. You never know if you're myopic...well unless you have contacts and wear them to try on frames which I used to do when I did. For good buskers...though not as good as this chap who Liz shared a link for after seeing him yesterday in the city https://jamiehocking.bandcamp.com/album/jamie-hocking


I give thanks for buying myself two new mugs. Though not expensive (obviously) even the box they came in is beautiful. That will come in useful to keep something in I'm sure...(knitted cushions in the background - almost done!)

For an astonishingly delicious lunch of pasta with a sauce I started yesterday from the kind of mushrooms that have become so black you keep putting them back in the back of the fridge. They were cooked up with onion and garlic, then lightly liquidised with a splash each of vegan cream and ancient white wine saved for cooking, plus some very tired cheddar with chili and lime on top. OK the dish is not described in a restaurant menu way but if I'd ordered it from one I wouldn't have been disappointed at all. Definitely going to make that one again when I've solved the question of whether I should use fresh ingredients next time...

For a floppy afternoon on the sofa trying to be sparing with guilty thoughts - I mean seriously, why shouldn't I if I feel the need - and with the remainder of those foil wrapped filled eggs I've been handing out like...well like sweeties, I guess. Sometimes there are reasons to be cheerful one doesn't have a lot of visitors...more goodies to be greedy with is one and less washing up's another. It goes on and on...think I'm going to have something 'convenient' tomorrow!

PS. Since writing the above I've heard that Jan is coming down to stay for a couple of days the beginning of next month. Should make it clear I give thanks I have visitors sometimes ;-)


Friday 14 April 2017

Cushioning the blow

I give thanks for a better humour than I have had for a little while coming over me for some reason yesterday evening

For enjoying sunlight on seagulls wings against the grey cloud. For Dave Lamb (and guests) making me laugh out loud...

I give thanks for finally getting the clean duvet cover on. A lot of the time I've adapted around the limitations of my stroke damaged hand, but there's way too much grip involved in bed making for me ever to be a chambermaid now. So that's something else to be grateful for!

I give thanks for watching the second of the Amazing hotels programmes on BBC. Ecuadorian cloud forest...almost made me cry with delight just to see it on TV.

I'm rather sore today so I give thanks for taking it easy...minimal lifting, and I'm grounded as far as the ladder's concerned.  The physio did say I should try to do the same amount of exercise every day, which is more detailed and thus even more meaningless than 'pace yourself'. Should I walk to the bus stop everyday whether I need to catch one or not? What if I need to catch a train...

I give thanks for getting the sewing machine out to turn some chair covers made to decorate the library a while back into cushions, by unpicking the bits that made them into chairbacks, sewing them up into cushion shapes and making insides to fit. This was always the plan, and when they're done they're going to a charity shop. One of the local hospices maybe... They do such sterling work, although the only thing I remember was someone coming round and telling me I really needed to accept I was going to die. Yes, all right... In my own time dear, OK?

I give thanks for realising manual deterioration notwithstanding, my mind remembers how to sew. It's nice to think I still have skills. I give thanks though cooking's not really one of them I keep myself fed somehow...for rustling up some dishes tasty looking dishes from rather elderly veg.

I give thanks for the neighbours all being quite all day (so far) and for a man with a van full of all manner of tools and materials arriving to replace the broken windows and kicked in door panel in the communal door, and touch up the paintwork as well. That'll do nicely...til next time!


Thursday 13 April 2017

Little helps

I give thanks for the pastel tinted sky over the sea again yesterday evening, and that big old moon, still beaming as it rose over the trees. For a long bath and an early night, and for thinking I was enjoying a couple of chapters of my book before I realised both the book and my eyes were closed!

I give thanks for getting my head round the fact it's not actually the weekend yet - felt like I'd done a full Monday to Friday already last night. For getting back at it today - there's still stuff strewn about but a lot of it's different stuff so it feels like I'm getting somewhere (towards getting somewhere). Considering ten days ago I was still so incapacitated I'm somewhat in awe (and of course extremely grateful) regarding how much I've done since then with lifting and shifting and ladders and vim (well, Tesco's value cream cleaner actually).

Maybe due to the above I give thanks for noticing some muscle tone returning to my body at last. OK, fit people would laugh at what I call muscle tone, but you'd have been more likely to cry if you'd seen my body a few months ago so definitely some improvement there. Where the muscle tone comes from is a bit mystery seeing as I'm such a faint shadow of my former active self but I put it down to long term lack of labour saving devices...like cars and handy menfolk.

I give thanks for a bit of online chat with various people to remind me there's a world beyond my thoughts, also for the neighbours being quiet so I've been able to be inside them. For realising it's time to organise the chaos enough to stop and do some slouching as those muscles are beginning to ouch...And finally, although I don't get taken for a ride much these days (as in passenger seat pleasures) there's been a definite sense lately of being taken for a ride as in the wotsit being extracted, so I give thanks for starting the day by wrestling back £9 from aforementioned supermarket. Every little as they say...

Wednesday 12 April 2017

They're necessities

Yay! I give thanks for getting the bus to and from Rachel's acupuncture clinic as she's not been able to come here for a while. I couldn't decide exactly when to leave, as I'd planned to put some recycling into the bins on the way to the stop but an Openreach van was parked in the way...and I ummed and aahed and pottered about a bit and then suddenly thought 'Now is the time!' and it was as I met Christine also going for the same bus but on the way to a stop on a different road so we could easily have missed each other. I give thanks for her company on the journey there, and for the scenery there and back.

Although I got lucky a couple of times last week it's not often I get out for non necessities, so it's very nice to have things like lovely views and travelling companions to make essential outings more enjoyable. And of course just as I try to find the niceness in the necessary, sometimes I find the time/energy/money to simply slip some extra niceness in somewhere... I give thanks when I got off the bus to get in town tasks done before coming home I stopped to take away a tea and a little lemon meringue pie to a seafront seat as well.

I give thanks for lots of very pleasant unforecast sunshine, but for enough of a nip in the breeze to make me very glad I'd my coat and a scarf. For feeling so sore and exhausted on my return I could turn a blind eye to the stuff still strewn about in the Big Sort Out, and all the undone day to day chores. There's plenty of time to get it all under control - Easter weekend, like most traditional gathering times, is a time when I'm traditionally home alone and the phone is silent, so a pile of piles awaiting attention is a distraction to be very grateful for.

I give thanks for books to read and recorded TV to catch up with...for fish fingers and sliced bread to make a sandwich for an early tea...for enough cups and plates and crockery not to need to do the washing up afterwards...for managing to get the iced up freezer door to close again as I'm not ready to defrost it yet...for my bath and my bed waiting to take the weight off my feet a little later...

Tuesday 11 April 2017

It's good but it's not bright

I give thanks for the incredibly bright full moon last night. My inner wolf was out on a hilltop somewhere baying at it while my outer human tossed and turned under the covers trying to solve those puzzles in life that don't seem to come with any clues -  cryptic, tricky quick or otherwise, the ones you just have to keep banging your head at until one day you either break through or just become numb and stop caring...

I give thanks for a long lie perusing some paperwork, and then gradually easing myself into some serious sorting out of possessions and their positions. For feeling fairly strong and well, and pretty pain free once I got going although there's some movements that are best avoided still and, as it's best to stop before things hurt, predicting when that might be is sometimes problematic. For remembering to take little time outs from moving at all and getting on with on line investigations

For trying very hard to be remember to be grateful. It's not that I'm not particularly...it's just that I get greedy and want to be grateful for something other than just feeling quite well. I know it's not wise to over invest emotionally in unknown futures...and that futures are always unknown...but I'm a frail human and suffer from that common human frailty of wanting something to look forward to. A lot of the past has been unthinkably grim, and a lot of the present is OK as long as you look at it in the right light and in the right frame of mind...but if there's anything that can be done to make at least bits of the future better then I must find a way...

I give thanks for finding some odds and ends to make some nice pasta for an early tea, and in generous enough quantity to be able to eat again some time soon. For the sun shining for drying of laundry but the nip back in the air so I don't mind not being able to go out. For having an appointment so I have to go out tomorrow...and for a new challenge planned ie walking to the nearest bus stop. So far I've only caught buses that have stopped right by where I am, so this is progress eh?

Monday 10 April 2017

Tired and tested

Well I've had some no news and some bad news today, but I give thanks the latter wasn't from the orthopaedic physio who decided it was 'early days' yet and that there should be further improvements over the next couple of months. I do hope so! How things are now is manageable, but it would be preferable if I could manage to forget them all together.

I give thanks for a bus turning up just as I emerged from the hospital entrance, and that it turned out to be going the 'right' way as in round the houses back into town. I'm sure if I used that service more often I'd get the hang of the complicated route...but less often is fine by me!

I give thanks for getting some bits of shopping, wisely finishing up at Waitrose, partly because they have some stuff I like to eat I can't get elsewhere, and partly as they have a free phone to call for a taxi, and when one comes it's a more direct route to here than from the rank so sometimes cheaper too.

I give thanks for pigging out on cut price cakes while waiting for the energy to get up and heat up leftovers for tea. It's been a busy time the last week or so, catching up with this and that, including even a bit of fun, and I'm very grateful indeed for that, but oh so tired as well...




Sunday 9 April 2017

One fine day

I give thanks for the one off wonderful summer's day weather...

I give thanks for Mima and I preplanning and taking a pick and mix picnic lunch along the coast a little way to somewhere with a big beach, shops, kiosks, amusements and rides and hoards of large loud people...and tranquil dunes, pools and scrub land beyond!  For having the strength and energy to walk to the beyond, feeling like a real live human being with my little rucksack on my back, the pain quite quiet and bearable and the glorious warmth of the sunshine on my skin as we lay on a rug after eating.

I give thanks for managing to walk back to the car afterwards, amazed and happy...and tired! For falling asleep on the sofa not long after I got home. It's probably hard for most people who read this to really understand what it's like to be immobilised...nor, no matter how rewarding the little victories, how hard it can be to fight your way back...and I'm very grateful for that! It may be character building, and interesting, and good for your spiritual development, patience and ability to appreciate the little things in life, as I may often tell you - but really, just take my word for it, don't find out for yourselves unless it's absolutely unavoidable! Nonetheless, I give thanks for hearing via Facebook that one person I know who really does know has had a little victory of her own today.


I ive thanks to Colin for sending me pictures of far away yesterday. This one's of very close today...

I give even more thanks than I did yesterday for making today's tea yesterday...methinks there's not going to be a lot of movement round here until I go to see the orthopaedic physio tomorrow afternoon... And for finding our one of those All4 series I thought ended badly had two more episodes hidden away. That's me sorted for the evening!


Saturday 8 April 2017

Miss adventure

I give thanks for seeing the embers of the bonfire still glowing as I looked out of the window after dark last night. For resting my body while allowing my brain to stay up late planning trips and excursions... Even if I don't actually go on them I do love doing this, but I couldn't face even virtual travel when I was so very sore and immobile.

I give thanks for feeling less driven and manic this morning as my body has been as much in shock at the sudden changes as my mind. I'm still in far less pain than I was, and am grateful for all I can do more easily, but I'm also grateful for feeling more relaxed about it, and have been pottering about at home at a more leisurely pace being more respectful of long underused muscles and joints, treating my tender bits more tenderly. I give thanks for not missing adventure today... For lolling about with books instead, and getting up in between for bouts of housework and cooking. I have dhal for tea today, and hearty soup made from odds and ends of vegetables and blue and brie cheese ready for tea tomorrow should any adventure come my way in the meantime...

I give thanks for a sunny day for people going out, the windows open to dry the laundry and not too much unwanted noise coming in.

I give thanks for being able to chat with friends old and newer, far away and further, via the internet. Also that since the internet went off a couple of days ago and men were going up and down the pole outside, the TV has been working properly again as many of the channels had disappeared - including BBC1, 2 and 4 and all radio stations bar some dire local commercial thing. I give thanks I now have so many more options to chose from...and mostly reject! Maybe I'll just read a book in the bath until it's time to eat...

Friday 7 April 2017

Branching out

I kept hoping to hear things yesterday that I didn't...and still didn't today...so I give thanks for the practice in patience. Sometimes going with the flow means going with the unflow...and we need reminding how unimportant to other people what's important to us might be. 

I give thanks for relaxing during the evening... for the odd fifteen minutes here and there when I wasn't just 'getting that washing up out of the way', 'rustling up a quick pudding' and 'making a start on the ironing'! You might wonder what was the matter with me if you've not known of me long. If you have though you'll remember this was what I was like before anything was the matter with me. I give thanks for my former self popping back for a visit. I miss me when I'm not there...

I was grateful I was getting quite sore in the end and didn't mind going to bed...for lavender oil to help me turn off by brain and go to sleep...

Today they were burning stuff they'd strimmed and sawn so it was too smoky to open the windows and I was grateful I had no laundry to do. And for having some legal research to keep me stuck in the office (bed) for most of the morning as I felt like taking it easy for a while.

I give thanks for cold pasta left over from yesterday for lunch, eaten in the brisk breeze blowing off the sea...after walking down the hill for the first time since mid September! For not getting carried off by men in white coats for chuckling into my lunch box... It may not be a full and holy cure but it's a great and mighty wonder. (It's a hymn, in case you don't know...they stick in my head like song lyrics!)

I give thanks for Mima whisking me away up into the nearby hills where there is a cafe with a sort of verandah over looking folds of fields, cream teas and no sea breeze. While we chatted,  I spent some time playing with my typical shots of zoomed in on buds or views through the fencing until she said 'Ooh look at that bird in the tree!' when I swung round and clicked in just the right place, at just the right time and just about in focus which is such an unusual an experience in itself the shot just has to illustrate this unusual day.

Thursday 6 April 2017

Still got the edge

I give thanks for a lot of dead wood and undergrowth clearing in the communal gardens below. Chain saws and industrial strength strimmers make a right old racket but it's great to see the grounds re-appearing. I give thanks for making some counterpoint noise myself at the other side of the building where I had Youtube playing U2 to find a snatch of track I had playing in my head but couldn't identify. Put Joshua Tree on, wandered out of the room to do something else, came back in and found what I was looking for, whatever the song might say! I give thanks I enjoyed providing backing vocals whatever the neighbours thought...

I give thanks for deciding to call the big ladder Jack as we're spending so much time together now. For finishing all the top step jobs along one kitchen wall...and a good deal of dealing with lower level stuff too.  And as this afternoon I felt like I needed a good rub down with horse linament and putting out to graze, I give thanks for giving up and trying to gaze at the inside of my eyelids for a bit. Unfortunately though, after so much enforced inactivity for so long, it's a real struggle to force myself to read a book, or watch TV, meditate, play games on my phone, surf the intenet...pretty much anything involving being still. I give thanks for an early bath - baths still work!

I give thanks for reading about an exhibition about the history of British photography I'd like to see that was too far away... And then realising it was too late anyway! For finding there's accompanying BBC4 documentaries and it's not too late to watch first one as long as I do it tonight! Just need to find something for my fingers to do during...hmm...eating food perhaps for part of it? I give thanks all this busyness has given even more of an edge to my appetite than it had before...

Wednesday 5 April 2017

Well on the way?

Well, goodness only knows what happened to me yesterday afternoon but I give great thanks it did!   I was up the big ladder cleaning the tops of the kitchen cupboards and picture rail beyond, and down on my hands and knees shampooing the carpet by the bed where I spilt tea the other day and more, much more, besides. There was enough discomfort to make me stop now and then for little rests, but I was so restless and kept wanting to get up and do more. In the end I had to go and have a bath to keep myself still for a bit, and force myself to sit in front of the TV and eat supper even though I was still full of energy and raring to go. I was still the same at bed time so I'm glad I could eventually settle down and go to sleep.

This morning I was quite aware of the full length of the path of the sciatic nerve but more aware (and much more grateful for!) that slightly sore stiffness that comes from using one's body rather than feeling emotionally abused by it.

I might have lingered longer under the duvet but I had to get up to open the bank of mum, and talk to my son about affairs of the part...and I give thanks for that. I give thanks for all the people in the past who told me what a failure at mothering I was as they made me question (eventually) the wisdom of having such personages in my life! Sure, I might have done better if I'd been properly mothered myself but considering I had no good example to follow I don't think I've done so bad...so far!

I give thanks for taking a cab to deliver a large bag of unwanted items to a charity shop, then taking a big walk round a small town visiting a variety of facilities including the opticians to order some photochromic specs as I'm clearly going to be out and about a lot more in the not too distant future, the doughnut kiosk as I clearly need to attend to my own needs where they are concerned at the moment, the beach, the post office, a couple of shops...and the disabled loo! I give thanks for Radar keys...


I give thanks for mosaics. That was something that struck me when I first considered moving to this part of the world - that there seemed to be many more of them around. And good buskers. And good firework displays. And some damn fine pubs. Let alone all the sun and sand and sea and stuff!

Although I felt almost capable of walking home up the hill I give thanks for resisting the temptation to try as I know that's a tough way to go, and I've a way to go before I get there. I know later/tomorrow this sense of being on the mend may prove to be just another false dawn in a long drawn out night...but hey, I've had a day and a half of feeling alive and being active and I have missed it so much I give great thanks just for that!

Tuesday 4 April 2017

If not

I give thanks that pesky cough suddenly returned to the realms of hell from whence it came yesterday... particularly as I bought some cough medicine but couldn't open the bottle!

I give thanks for some reasonable sleep, and some pleasing dreams though I couldn't remember them, just the feeling they'd been nice...

I was disappointed about the amount of pain I was in when I awoke as I had a mountain of jobs lined up in my head, but though I know we shouldn't get attached to expectations, expecting less soreness was a sign of optimism...and to still be able to summon up optimism in the face of such a diversity of adversity is something to be grateful for I'm sure!

I give thanks for publishing my second of my library friends' crosswords and for garnering plenty of attention for their page if not a lot of clicks on the actual puzzle. If you'd like to have a go at solving it yourselves here is the link http://crossword.info/happiness_squared/FOTL2

I wanted to be a writer from when I first learnt to read, a 'columnist' since I first knew someone who wrote one (obviously long before blogs were invented) and a crossword compiler from when I first started solving them. So, whatever else I may have failed at, I have to give thanks I've achieved three ambitions anyway...and if only there were money in those I might have achieved a few more I guess!

My most burning current ambition being still to move to a home that I like better, I give thanks for beating the pain into submission, if not the management company, and getting stuck into a commendable, if not advisable, session of serious sorting and cleaning. I would so like to do something more pleasurable...but if you can't do that the next best thing is to get ready to, right?

I give thanks for enjoying a couple more of episodes of Eyewitness, but with an awareness the last couple of Walter Presents offerings have had rather lame and frustrating endings. I know good endings to stories can be hard to come up with...probably because stories don't really have them do they? One set of circumstances merely morphs into another continuously...but these series have finished on a cliffhanger, presumably in hope of an option of a second one...which is no good if you don't know if you'll have the option of seeing it!

Monday 3 April 2017

Jeanetic engineering

I give thanks for taking care of business as best I can. For not writing a snotty letter but printing out a legal reminder form instead, and managing to sneeze and wheeze in the opposite direction while I filled it in! For a similar document lined up regarding another matter if gentle but persistent pressure doesn't prevail. People often mistake my relaxed manner for an excuse to relax their own standards of behaviour, which is fine up to a point...but not when it gets to the point they are failing to be polite if they know me personally or do the job they're supposed to if they don't.


I give thanks for going the extra upward feet to find some knitted chickens for the library roosting on a high shelf here. And yes...I can see perhaps it is hard to take people who knit chickens seriously! For thinking up some cunning crossword clues to keep my brain train from derailing or running on tracks that keep hitting the same old buffers.

I give thanks for those lovely people who received my new baseball boots by mistake redressing the balance of feeling rather hard done by lately, by delivering them to me today. For going about my busyness about town without excessive limping or limpness. I have to toughen up if I'm going to try to move home but I give thanks for not making things too tough by trying to do all the fetching, delivering and carrying in one afternoon. For a cup of tea and a catch up with those nattering knitting ladies...And while I don't give thanks that Rachel can't come for the next couple of weeks so there'll be no tea cooked for me or that welcome therapy, I was grateful for not having to hurry home and scurry around afterwards getting things done in time for her arrival.

I give thanks for two surfboards parked ouside the building. They're nothing to do with me of course but there's no harm in pretending is there? For trying on some jeans I collected and finding they actually fit! Oh, and for someone I was at art school with being on a documentary about George Michael. He's worn better than I have...well, and George of course!

Sunday 2 April 2017

It figures

I give thanks for the sunny mild weather today for all the folk out and about to enjoy it...

For me? Hmm...let's see...  I give thanks I managed to defrost my feet last night after they were too long bare after bathtime (the socks that live by the bed for this purpose having fallen victim to yesterday's falling tea!) I give thanks for soothing music on my tablet when earplugs didn't quite spare me a droning moaning post midnight monologue from upstairs. I give thanks for sleeping well - sometimes the times when you're unconscious are the best bits of the day! For being able to dry racks of laundry at the open windows, and daring and bearing to look out...


I give thanks for being in too much pain to do more than look as tomorrow there's a lot of going out I can't get out of and so I've needed to try and keep still, and hurting can help with that. I give thanks for cooking some pasta for lunch. It was pretty rubbish to be honest but when you can really only be bothered with cough medicine and biscuits even rubbish pasta is something of note. I give thanks for a little snooze on the sofa and a hearty serving of 'instant' sherry trifle later on.

I give thanks for deciding to watch some figure skating on TV because it's beautiful and as I've never been able to skate I thought this would be free from wistful nerve touching memories. However it included Penny Coombes (a young British skater who suffered a terrible injury) talking about how incredibly hard she'd found it to be stuck indoors in pain unable to do the things she loved, that though people might find it over dramatic, it had felt so much that she had lost herself it was as if someone had died. And though of course I wasn't grateful for her suffering, to hear someone else say something like that, instead of just politely nodding if take my brave face off and do, was very moving and reassuring. A broken body can break your heart and though of course it's not OK that it does, I give thanks for realising it's OK to feel that way. I've been feeling such a failure for feeling so sad so I give thanks at least maybe that bit can get better...

I give thanks for all the neighbours being out for a little while. Those bits are always better!

Saturday 1 April 2017

Micro soft office

I give thanks for deciding an early night would be good for me and turning off the latest Walter Presents Scandi Noir offering mid-scene setting in favour of a bubbly bath and undemanding novel. Couldn't sleep much because of this stupid cough but hey ho...took my mind off the sciatica pain now didn't it?

I give thanks for digging my head out of the sand for another battle in the long war of landlordly tussles. I've won a few over the years, sometimes with help from dear departed Pat, but I know I can manage on my own I just need to learn to be sterner and not so scared of conflict with bigger, stronger, shoutier people than me! I give thanks for winning a few preliminary rounds with my laptop (which refuses to let me open and print some important documents) by downloading them on my tablet (from which I can't print at all) and copying onto an email to myself to open on my laptop and paste onto a text document...all without leaving the comfort of my bed except for collecting mugs of tea and a bit of Welsh Rarebit...oh and a mad dash for cleaning cloths when I spilt one of the aforementioned mugs of tea all over floor, wall, bedside table, book, box of tissues...

I give thanks for trying to fix the problem with my laptop too...over and over again! That I'm not someone to give up at the first hurdle but when the hurdles won't give up I realise sometimes it's time to abandon the task, make another cup of tea, and try to keep it in the intended receptacles!

I give thanks for a rainy afternoon just right for lounging around as I've been really struggling to think of things I'd like to do that I can...or things I can do that I'd like to...although of course I've been keeping on top of the stuff I absolutely must like emptying the roof leak catcher! As I've also lost the will to cook at the moment I give thanks for lots of snacky or almost ready to eat foods about, like the leftover grated cheese just asking for some chopped onion, beaten egg and seasoning earlier. For lots more boxes of tissues for cold comfort...

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