Ochenta y seis

I give thanks for a visit from Cathy who I've not seen for several months. For her offering to treat me to lunch  - always welcome though the suitable menu offerings round here tend to be rather limited and my brie and cranberry sandwich was so heavy on the cranberry I couldn't taste the cheese! For finding the cygnets she hasn't yet seen to ooh and aah over and for a wander around the shops together. Those who know me well will be aware this activity is not usually on my list of favourite pastimes but it's a fairly short main street and to be able to get as far as the health food shop and back without a rest on the way was another milestone passed.

There are a few rather swanky clothes shops here now (including one selling Joe Brown's...woohoo!) so we had a look in those, plus a rummage in the charity shops where I was grateful to find something more in my price bracket and hopefully loose enough around the arms to push up sleeves on treatment days. It's a bit of a challenge finding suitable clothes for a chilly mortal this time of year.

I give thanks for dodging the worst of the wet, and for water in the swollen brook leveling out enough to stop worrying about the other nesting swan. Most especially though, if rather selfishly, that the rain has been draining down the guttering and pipes and not coming through my walls!

I give thanks for a snoozy sofa based couple of hours afterwards my social excursion..and when in the kitchen for cooking again discovering you can not only freeze fresh ginger and turmeric root, you can grate it while frozen and put it back again too!

Ochenta y cinco

Almost all I've wanted to do today is sleep, so I give thanks for fitting in as much as I could of that. I give thanks the second most pressing urge has been to eat copious quantities of filling food - as this means my doziness is unlikely to be anything to worry about, just hibernation mode on a severely wet, windy and chilly day. I was going to say I give thanks for using the hospital's heating while I was there but I was in one of the cold seats by the giant units blowing out extremely fresh air so, although I must have felt the benefit of some warmth from somewhere else, I was also grateful for providing myself with a cashmere cardigan, a scarf and a little fleecy blanket.

I give thanks for Clive coming yesterday to put up the last bits of picture rail that can be used for now, and for a pleasant hour or two in his company. For him pointing out the pile of whipped up sea foam on the road and bottom of the brook... It's amazing how that happens sometimes! For imagining I might go up a ladder either this morning or tonight and apply a little filler on the joins and screws...  before painting... before the decorator chap comes next week. This was clearly a wild overestimation of my current potential powers, but hey ho - I'm grateful I did throw together a simple pasta dish before I left for treatment so all I had to do when I got home was heat it through

Ochenta y cuatro

I give thanks my back has now recovered from its mysterious episode to the extent I can curl up on the sofa or wallow in the bath. Much appreciated! Last night was more about tossing and turning in bed though and sitting by the front window watching the wall builders and their Swiss army knife vehicles. I find this fascinating as I can't see a lot of the work or hear their plans and am inordinately pleased when I work out what's going to happen next. I'm particularly fond of the pop up and down generator flood lights which the mobile cranes/diggers can carry along the seafront to where they're required. I rather like it when the cranes move in a close procession like stately metal dinosaurs too. I give thanks for knowing I'm not 'normal'...and not normally minding much at all!

Talking of which I give thanks for giving my new winter coat its first outing this very blustery afternoon. It's not billed as waterproof but has many layers so you wouldn't notice for a while, has delightful fleece lined pockets and, best of all, a big furry Nanook of the North hood which cuts down on both chill factor and potential eye contact! I went to the Co-op which is still a hive of activity but gradually getting sorted out. The veg section is still remarkably dire, but as aubergines are sited between plums and oranges I'm hoping this is a work in progress like the freezer cabinets which are still largely empty, but have a few astonishing bargains like 4 meal size smoked haddock fillets for £1.13 (sorry veggie chums) and for 73p sweet and sour noodles with edamame beans, bamboo shoots and sugar snap peas (which balances out the murder victims a bit!)

I've been mostly exhausted so I give thanks there's been quite a lot of lounging around today, despite the lounge being mostly displaced or under dustsheets as work progresses...or not! For being up a ladder briefly before accepting my place was curled up under a throw snoozing gently through something on TV. I give thanks for the stirring sight of the white waves rolling in as the strong winds blow from the east. They are so close together they look like almost like snow drifts, adding to the wintery feeling of the weather.

Ochenta y tres

Well today was quite a bit about cancer as I had to go and be poked about to see what's what in the lymph nodes that have been bothering the doctors for a while. I give thanks for my patience during long hours of waiting in various parts of the hospital, and for the patience of the doctor who kept hitting a nerve in my back which caused me to jerk (and yell) and wonder why I'm repeatedly told there isn't much feeling in the places where I can assure you there is! Maybe they study an anatomy that is different from mine, or perhaps they are in self-preserving denial about the pain they can cause, or maybe (as I suspect they suspect) I'm simply imagining that it hurts...

I give thanks the nurse who came to pat and reassure me before the next onslaught let me hold her hand. Opportunities for the comfort of physical contact are rare in my life and can be very welcome sometimes. Also for the one who would not have made me a cup of tea when I got back to the day case unit just going for her lunch in time for her stand in to produce one instead to go with my much needed lunch box invasion, and a little later, as I continued to munch on the dialysis ward (I took a double size packed lunch knowing I'd need it!) the lovely ward clerk I keep meeting doing cover work here and there offered me another one, not part of her duties I'm sure but much appreciated as they'd managed to get me a slot between two normal tea rounds. Two proper mugs of fresh made tea instead of one NHS cup from a big metal stewing pot was a lovely treat!

I give thanks I'd made sure I had a tidy flat and lots of leftovers for when I finally got home more than seven and a half hours after I left it. For so far feeling rather what will be will be about whatever the results of the tests are - I think a lot of things of course, but I give thanks for knowing my thoughts are probably best kept to myself at least until I know more, and maybe even then!

I give thanks for finally receiving the letter from the DWP explaining why they'd paid an extra three figure sum into my bank account the other day. It is the sum of the backdated small deductions they've been taking off my ESA in error since they reinstated the big part they stopped paying by mistake as well. Of course they may still decide to dock it again if some technical error means I pass my work assessment, and meanwhile the other department is still quite sure I'm only mildly and occasionally physically impaired and need only the slightest support...but I think I should buy myself presents!

Ochenta y dos

I give thanks for cleaning the bathroom. There were activities I'd have preferred of course, but it's been so long since I've been capable I was really rather glad I did...except when the loo seat gave me such a whack on the head I burst into tears with the shock and pain. Oh well, I probably needed a little weep with all the emotional stuff churning under the surface recently... and a sore but satisfying lump came up to prove it really did hurt.

I give thanks for making myself a calorific afternoon tea of crumpet and cream scone to cheer myself up and a lovely long hot soak in the shining tub, before opening my tin of bean tagine and finding it quite divine!

Today I gave thanks for the extra hour...and feeling quite motivated to use it wisely getiing on with jobs here including making some delicious blueberry and ginger buns and finishing a coat of paint on a door. I give thanks about the time my hands went into spasm and I had to stop Julie arrived to do things up the ladder that are literally beyond me now. I am so grateful for all her help, and though sometimes one of us cancels an arrangement due to attacks of not wanting to face the outside world, when we do get face to face we always have a good time.

I give thanks one of my neighbours had a problem with guttering on the other side of the building letting water in so there has been lots of investigation going on today and plans made for improvements soon.

Ochenta y uno

I give thanks for years of practice at dealing with things going repeatedly wrong. The day before yesterday the bloomin' bathroom blind stopped blinding again, and last night a steadily growing damp patch appeared on the wall where allegedly the problem was solved just a week or two ago. I guess the fact that fixing these things is beyond the capability of my own fair lily whites does help me to be philosophical. Accept the things you cannot change etc...though there are quite a few things I could have changed I just didn't get round to today, and I give thanks for at least trying to be philosophical about those too

I give thanks for hunger and a desire for hummus eventually driving me from my cosy hibernation. The revamping of our local Co-op is coming on a treat and they have loads more stock in already including, I was pleased to see, the kind of foods that interest me! The veg aisle has still to be sorted so I have thanks the new health food shelf had some of the Free and Easy canned meals I've been meaning to try for a while. Apart from the lolling about in between I've been quite energetic with chores today will be grateful for less food prep later.

Finally I give thanks for turning on the TV as I settled down to lunch and (on one of those rather irritating programmes where people show off how much money they have to spend on property!) seeing shots of the not at all irritating Carding Mill Valley visited when my body liked walking as much as my soul. A very beautiful spot indeed...

Ochenta

I give thanks for short and curlies... sprouting on my head in place of the long and curlies that fell out!  For not quite managing to catch the speaker I lost my hold on while carrying it out of home improvement's way last night, but succeeding in steering it away from my toes...

For two silent taxi drivers and a side room so human contact has been at an acceptable level for me. For a small swirl of starlings landing neatly on top of a square tower and adjoining roof ridge as we went by.

For a brief visit from the consultant who was somewhat exasperated my biopsy had been delayed but who listened to my concerns about levels of this and that in my blood and ordered appropriate tests.

For part cooking my tea before I left home this morning...and being cautiously optimistic I'm going to brave the weather tomorrow to get fresh veg as I'm running out of ideas for the ones I've got.

Setenta y nueve

I give thanks for my First World problems. What a privilege it is to have renal failure related symptoms blight your night, let alone to have a comfy home to be uncomfortable in, with a TV and a kettle, electricity to operate them and snacks to nibble on! Similarly for not having anything to rush out of bed for today when slowly surfacing from the sleep that finally came.

For putting on an old recorded episode of Loose Ends to try to encourage some low key DIY work, and finding it featured Mark Knoppfler's sublime guitar thus causing very pleasant lolling about on the sofa instead! I'd already abandoned first a plan for a short bus ride to buy fresh veg, then a medium walk to buy vegan/gluten free treats and snacks...and even a short walk for a ready made lunch, so I give for accepting what will be will be...and, whatever fairy stories the DWP tells itself about me to save a few quid, some days it definitely won't!

I give thanks for seeing the sunshine sparkling on the sea, and for the people out enjoying the pleasant weather. For spotting this lonely rain cloud wandering its own way among the cotton wool puffs...and then thinking maybe it wasn't lonely at all but rather liked its own company and not fitting in with the crowd.

Setenta y cuatro

I give thanks for plenty of opportunity to practice being a patient patient today, particularly on the way home when the traffic was at a standstill on the usual route  and the exasperated driver did a uey and decided to try another way, and then another, and another... as it became clear that all roads leading even indirectly south were chocka whether major thoroughfares or quiet residential streets in between. I give thanks for seeing a lot more of the city than I knew existed, mostly at a slow enough pace to fully take it in, and for a while on a narrow lane, backwards as much as forwards! For my sense of humour and philosophy rubbing off on my companion so that on arriving here after an hour and fifty five minutes rather than thirty to forty, he thanked me for being good company...and I him, because that side of things could have been a whole lot worse! There was also a rather lovely stormy sunset sky to enjoy and some atmospheric fog coming over the top of the woody hill.

I give thanks for savoury leftovers to microwave and a frozen pastry to put in to bake as I was far too hungry to wait to cook when I got in. For heaters to turn on, plus a wooly White Stuff tunic from ebay being much nicer than I imagined, and just right to pull on while I waited for them to heat me up. I give thanks I had plans for this evening, but for not minding too much if I abandon them now...

Setenta y tres

I give thanks it's so much easier to get out of bed now... well physically anyway, the psychological side is something else! For an afternoon outing to a different hospital, and so along a road less travelled (with pretty skies above and reflections on the river below) and via a hearty lunch and a carpet chain. Yes, I too tend to be sniffy about carpet chains, but this one actually had something I liked - suitable for the hall, at a price I could afford and with a friendly chap behind the desk. They also had one of the loveliest carpets I've ever seen on the office section floor. Bit out of my price range at £90 a metre but that's fine because the pattern needed a bigger room to do it justice...

I give thanks for Mima's company and chauffeuring, including collecting a clicked order at you know who on the way back. What a very civilised way to shop - if you have a car of course!

The main reason for the trip was my physio appointment, and I'm grateful this has been delayed as it was long and quite hard work though also interesting and informative. Basically my lower spine is seriously worn and torn and there's nothing to be done about that, but I'm in quite good nick as far as core strength, suppleness and range of movement goes - for which apparently I should take credit as it's due to keeping on moving despite the stiffness and pain. (Pause to give thanks here for living alone and having to - or at least feeling I have to instead of giving up which apparently people do!) We've agreed I should come back for another session working out a range of long term exercises to help keep things that way, and I give thanks I'm kind of looking forward to that. I like feeling there's something I can do to help myself and this chap feels like the right one to help me do that.

Setenta y dos

I give thanks there are radio stations for people who need that background noise of talk or tunes in their head. It's a shame so many of those people seem to drive taxis but as long they're happy eh? A particular favourite seems to be one that says it provides a 'relaxation mix'. It's a matter of opinion. Personally I find the sickly song choices, slightly porny sounding presenters' voices and the jarring advert clusters make me want to rip the unit out of the dash. I'm probably showing my age here, you probably need to change your whole car these days if you don't like the radio, I'm guessing!

I give thanks though I was in a busy corner on the unit today so couldn't snooze I was able to meditate instead. For people telling me I look better. For actually feeling better too, though still more feeble than I would like, now that I'm doing more and am more likely to notice. For lots less pain in my back too... though this brings problems of its own as I don't get the early warnings I should cease certain activities immediately, and carry on a bit too long.

I give thanks for Clive popping round while I was out to put up the hooks he couldn't get on Saturday and for Rachel going up and down the ladder while the needles were doing there thing, fitting some temporary thermal linings on the spare room curtains which will do until the spring when I'll try to do them properly, putting a coat of paint in the section of picture rail that is up and hanging my green man where he has been waiting to be.

Setenta y uno

Ooh, I give thanks for a more of proper day off, with lots to be done but no particular time frame in which to do it! You'd think plenty of idling around would be one of the perks of permanently debilitating health problems, but it rarely seems to work out that way for me, especially now I have to idle around having treatment three days a week...

Funnily enough I do seem to quite a lot done when I can swan around at my own pace rather than feel under pressure. This afternoon I even managed to practice some walking. It's still an uncomfortable challenge to go any further than a round trip from sofa to cooker but I was on a mission to finally see these babies in the fluff not on Facebook video, so I was very grateful I did.

I give thanks for gentle wielding of the filler knife, and the genteel crime wave in Midsomer County. Oh and I'm grateful for working out how to crop an image on my camera. It's not intuitive, that's for sure, and even looking up the instructions took up a lot of time, so that now I've finally done one, it will have to be the one I post.

Setenta

I give thanks I'm almost done for today, as I'm pretty much done for too! For a long slow start to ease myself gently into the end of the morning and then keeping on keeping on as best as I could. For getting the prep done for Clive, for all the wonderful things jobs he did when he arrived...and for him clearing up so well after himself after. For resisting the impulse to play with my new shelves, unpacking pretty things and trinkets and trying out places they might go, because that would be too much effort for sure when even eating supper seems to be. I give thanks for some left overs from lunch instead. 

I give thanks for a well timed offer to collect a few items for me from Waitrose from Jo. That's always an easy list to write! And for my otherwise hard to find favourites being available of course.

For lots to see outside the window here in sitting downy bit, day or night. And for realising when I finally sat down to write this that I'd wandered off from sequential post numbering to pretty much whatever came into my head or my fingers felt like typing...which, as I've now corrected them, will mean broken Facebook links. I give thanks anyone who wants to read my blog knows where to find it by now anyway. 

Sesenta y nueve

Phew, I give thanks it's been a busy week... not least as implicit in that statement is the fact I've had more energy and strength. I still need to work on when not to work on but to stop immediately however, especially when my mojo is urging me on with her multitasking ways. And also, when I do stop in a hurry, for ensuring I've not left anything still carrying on cooking without me. For not quite ruining the saucepan last night...

I give thanks, after considering the desirability of popping to the Co op tomorrow morning, I decided to go tonight instead...and for dodging the heaviest showers. It's strange shopping there at the moment, as the chances of getting just what you want are very slim, but there are all sorts of random items you don't usually see at bargain prices. Organic red lentil penne anyone? Ooh, yes please that will go nicely in a vegetable stew some time!

I give thanks for also painting a touch up coat on a small section of wall that Clive may attach things to tomorrow, roasting some carrots for some pate I have thought of and would like to try to make, cooking lentils for tomorrow's dhal and pasta for my supper, and now being very very still! For finding a portion of blackberry and apple crumble in the freezer if at some point later my appetite overrides my current utter exhaustion...

Sesenta y ocho

I give thanks for the transient wonders of the sky. Last night we had filtered rays fanning out upwards as the sun set, followed by glowing gold. This morning there was a rainbow on deep grey cloud in one direction and fluffy clumps and banks on blue out over the sea.

For an occasion to try my new occasional pain relief pills, after an evening spent shifting light things off the desk felt like heavy lifting when I'd finished. For plenty of sleep though it left me feeling rather zombified today... Or was that the getting up? I give thanks for somehow completing all necessary processes and procedures ready for the chap to arrive to investigate the gutters at 10 am, when some extra snoozing instead would have gone down well. For his mission swiftly and effectively completed...and for the relief of living somewhere where matters are attended to in the manner in which they should be!

I give thanks for Julie taking me to Sainsbury's to collect an Argos order, and for us both finding some groceries we wanted too, as it seems to be quite a challenge these days finding a store that has all your usuals in stock. For Spencer's help with carrying things too, though it's still been a physically demanding twenty four hours for me, and I'm really very grateful Mr Tesco has already made my tea.

Setenta y siete

I give thanks for the time my mojo spent with me yesterday. She's not been around much lately and I enjoy myself much better when she is!

For finally putting my mini paella pan to one of the purposes intended... neither of which are paella funnily enough! My first attempt at tarte tatin clearly failed at the caramel stage but of course as usual I was working without a recipe and used too much butter. Tastes fine though, and I was amused to see, when I sat down after to watch Bake Off, that they were making savoury ones and that my mistake was in good company! I give thanks for memories of a great trip to Newcastle with Jan where the dish came from, along with Breton crepes in the fantastic (and very cosmopolitan) indoor market!

Today I've been grateful that a flurry of mixed media messages back and forth have resulted in a man agreeing to come tomorrow morning and climb up through my living room ceiling and the Velux window in the roof to see if it's debris in a gullet up there that's blocking the gutter or downpipe and causing a damp patch on one of my walls. For half making stew for my tea before I left for treatment today so there wasn't much kitchen work to be done and I could focus on clearing the stuff on the desk that will have to be moved for him yo get up there.

For telling a taxi driver who puts my name on the end of every thing he says that I'd really rather he didn't...and him good naturedly taking this on board so we ended up having an interesting conversation and finding lots in common instead of him asking lots of questions and me clamming up because his conversational style grated on me.

Sesenta y seis

I give thanks for being out to lunch today in more ways than one, after a combination of exhaustion and well timed medication led to some decent sleep, a lingering mellow feeling and the stamina to very slowly make it up the street. See, that's what a healthy diet does for you - desire for replenished stock of red lentils and porridge oats forced me all the way to the health food shop, via sunny rest stop seats of course, for which I was very grateful! It was really quite tropical out there when at times...

I'd promised myself cafe refreshments if I managed the trek to recuperate for the walk back home, and though I would have done this alone, I gave thanks Jo was free too so we could have a nice catch up chat with many chuckles. For figuring out beforehand the cafe menu was unlikely to be full of kidney diet choices, and having a proper cooked brunch so a cream tea would go down well...especially with my finances, as I'd left my bank card behind and was short on cash in hand.

I give thanks for finishing my WCA form and booking my flu jab before I left home so I felt extra virtuous and deserving. For and for the sound of the washing machine churning away - music to my ears it is - and fine weather to assist drying even indoors.

I give thanks for leftovers heating for an early tea as all of the above was quite exhausting.

Sesenta y cinco

Despite the bright blob of Hunter's Moon shining through the veil of cloud, last night was a dark one in my mind. I give thanks for reminding myself that it's wanting things to be different from they way they are that is the problem, but that's the very thing I wish to change - my desire for more comfort and pleasure in my life instead of pain and bodily malfunction and struggle and stress. Changing the rest of it would be fine and dandy obviously, but I suspect all I've any hope of succeeding with is what goes on inside my head.

I give thanks for waking up in time to lie still for a bit before having to face the getting up part, and that when the entry phone buzzed and I still couldn't move, that a neighbour was leaving the building and brought my box inside. For a relatively pleasant day at the office - a side room with the door mostly closed always helps! The hardest thing to deal with was the hunger. I really need to start making bigger lunches than I think I need because, especially now the weather is cooler, the ones I'm doing now hardly touch the sides. There's nothing provided on the ward apart from the very welcome small cup of tea and biscuits, but having checked how much money was in the little change purse I take with me I decided to go straight to the chip shop and get a veggie burger in a bun, without the chips of course. It was pretty much devoid of flavour but was hot and filling and only £3.25 so not a bad idea...I might last until supper time now!

I give thanks the GP who didn't call me last week did so this evening, and that as I was holding my phone at the time I noticed even though the sound was off. He's going to send a prescription for some emergency back tamers to the local Boots, and as I have to go there for something else tomorrow.who knows I may be able to pick them up. I have a few bits to pick up up the street and will need a cosy rest stop along the way so I also give thanks Jo is free to meet me for lunch.

I give thanks for finally persuading Bulb to give Sally and myself our £50 joining bonus! Oh, and for opening my food parcel from Bob and finding, well just what the doctor did order actually - not food exactly but exotic sweet treats and nibbles from cosmopolitan Sheffield to help me put some more weight back on. I'll do my best with that :-)

Sesenta y cuatro

Phew, everything done on the to do list for today! Well apart from finishing yesterday's washing up and making my tea for today but I'm still cautiously optimistic at least one of those will happen in some form or another!

I've been cautious too about mentioning it here, in case people get prematurely and inappropriately celebratory on my behalf, but I've been giving quiet private thanks that for the last three days I've had somewhat less pain in my back, and for slightly better sleep too. Every little helps eh? Well, yes, though I also give thanks for the times I've helpfully remembered that just because it's not hurting right now doesn't mean I mustn't be very careful with movements, positions etc. Nice and easy does it too!

I give thanks for the physical chores completed, including going to the Co-op round the corner again and finding a few items on my list - plus a few others not required, but so randomly low in price in a store that's usually rather pricey, they couldn't be left behind. This meant some other things I meant to buy had to be abandoned, but Mima kindly offered to bring those along with the ones just not on the local shelves just now. I was very grateful for that! I give thanks for doing some more of my benefit forms too. This can be mentally and emotionally exhausting, as well as wearing on the hands, and rather soul destroying too as I've had to crawl through so many DWP hoops this year as my health has deteriorated and feeling supported rather than hounded would do me a lot more good.

I give thanks for the sun coming out for a while this afternoon, including the bit that I was outside very slowly walking to and fro. For the last of the golden rays peeping out from behind a dark grey rain cloud

Sesenta y tres

I give thanks a friendly and helpful washing machine engineer came to fix the door seal on mine today. For taking out an extra three year warranty with the store when I bought it, and for archiving the email receipt as they seem a little confused about this. For a first load of washing done.

After not enough sleep I wasn't mad keen on getting up and dressed in time for his visit slot, but I was very grateful I didn't have to leave the premises today. There were several more things I could have bought in the Co op if I had been stronger, and it had been better stocked, so I give thanks there's plenty of other stuff to eat and drink instead and for using my small amounts of energy on other indoor chores interspersed with equally important tasks like snoozing, wallowing in the bath and eating!

For some interesting catch up TV. I've been particularly enjoy the history element of a short series of programmes about favourite 'British' takeaways. Who knew why we eat the ones we do?

Sesenta y dos

Gosh that soup was good to come home to on a wet and gloomy night! I give thanks the wind has died down from earlier, and that it's actually still quite mild - warmer than earlier in the week anyhow! For only needing to get up in the night to open my bedroom window for some cooler air, and for some long stretches of restorative sleep.

For a relatively stress free treatment sessionvthough there's still a lot of muddle to be untangled about my upcoming biopsy. It was nearly going to be Monday morning, but as there were still questions unanswered about arrangements (and the people who could answer them had all gone home) I'm very grateful it's not.

I don't know if the GP tried to phone while these calls were going on or they just ran out of time, but I didn't get my telcon about super drugs for my back by the deadline this evening. On the plus side this meant I don't have to try to get to the pharmacy tomorrow morning as well as wait in for a washing machine engineer... I also braved the rain and pain and went to the Co op for myself for the first time in many weeks. The store area is tiny at the moment as the refurbishment is still ongoing but that meant less walking round, and less to carry home so I was pretty grateful for that!

Sesenta y uno

I give thanks for going gentle into that bad night - my magic pills are useless for muscle and joint pain but they are good with mood, so you get less worked up about it. For knowing a cultural reference when I write one (or two!) and for the interesting stuff I learned about in my Open University studies. For remembering the time when being awake all night probably meant some kind of fun...

The thing that hurts my back second most badly is lying down - on any furniture or surface - and the one that outstrips it in agony is standing up and walking again when I have, although eventually this does help the pain subside. Obviously the rest of my body would prefer some horizontal rest, not being on my feet or sitting bolt upright on a hard chair all night, but I give thanks for using an early morning session of the latter to fill in a few sections of my Work Capability Assessment form, and another around Dawn to watch some catch up TV. Also for enjoying Professor Marston and the Wonder Women in while under the duvet again. Most of all though I was grateful I could sleep late when eventually I did manage to drop off...

I give thanks as a change from murders I've been watching a lot of cookery related TV. It's unlikely I'll start following recipes but a couple of ideas for using the few ingredients I'm allowed in different ways have popped into my head lately and some of them have turned into rather nice food...including roast cauliflower and chickpea soup for tomorrow's tea which tastes pretty damn good though I say it myself! For kitchen creativity being something I can do without getting dressed, and with frequent breaks between the stages - sometimes to think what the next one might be!

Sesenta

Mmm, yesterday's curry always tastes better than today's...and Sunday/Monday's curries taste divine on Wednesday! I give thanks for both of them being plant based and safe to keep and heat up. For getting home hungry enough to be motivated to pop a poppadom and a samosa in to warm for an accompaniment while I stewed some fruit that might turn into a pudding later. And for not just concerning myself with filling my face but filling a box with summery garments to stow away and even a few holes in a wall!

Having lost a lot of this morning to the stupor that follows another pain blighted night, and the protracted (and unsuccessful) quest to find a pair of matching socks, then a chunk of evening when my needle holes just wouldn't stop bleeding I've been very grateful for a bit of purpose going according to plan...and a bit of energy to go with it.

As I'm not seeing the consultant tomorrow after all, I planned to put in a telcon request to the GP for some short term or intermittent stronger analgesic, but ran out of time before treatment - and there's too many click boxes for while it's going on. Luckily I was due a check in with one of her team as part of a clinical study so I mentioned it to this pleasant young lady and she said yes, do...and we'll give them a call as well. I would be very grateful if they would as most GPs go into panic mode when prescribing anything for dialysis patients... First of all I must risk regretting it when I get up and curl up on the sofa to catch up with some recent TV. The story of eugenics is terrifying (and it started here folks, in case you didn't know) so I think I'll follow that with some baking buffoonery in a tent. I give thanks for my digi box!

Cincuenta y nueve

I give thanks my back has mostly recovered from whatever I did to it last night. My muscles are so delicate that just moving too quickly or in the wrong way can create a searing pain, and the one around midnight was scarily like the ground zero attack at the end of August. I give thanks acupuncture had left me feeling pretty mellow and I was able to work out a plan of how to get through the night and, as this included getting out of bed to limber up, for thinking of a new way to do that. I give thanks for the way the furniture is arranged in my bedroom, which I originally thought of as a pleasing and practical use of space, but have come to realise is also a series of handholds at increasing height to help lever myself upright after lying down.

I give thanks it was a non-dialysis day as tenderness and lack of sleep meant most of it was spent just attending to basic nutrition and hygiene needs. For staring out of the window in the small (and not so small) hours watching men at work and people pottering about between the showers ...plus a majestic tall ship sailing across the bay. For managing to be dressed in time for a surgical supplies delivery, for the driver meeting me half way on the stairs and (oh joy of joys!) an item that has been unobtainable for some time being back in stock at last. There's other kit that does a similar job but my hands can operate this one most easily, and it's the kind of thing you really don't want your hands to fail with.

I give thanks for determination and sticking to the plan to get a bus to the nearest greengrocer, despite the outing having little appeal except for fresh fruit and veg. For Mima agreeing to meet for nearby cafe refreshments, and offering me a lift home which improved the prospect considerably! The bus was very uncomfortable so I couldn't walk far when I alighted, but I did admire this ex-fountain which, to save money and the planet, is now a giant planter.

Cincuenta y ocho

Oh I say, a pretty good night's sleep! That's something to be grateful for! For the first time in ages I didn't even have to get up and pace around to ease the pain and though this did mean I was extra stiff and sore when I finally got up, on balance I'd say it was worth it.

I give thanks for finding out from the ward clerk I can have hospital transport for all really related appointments. I'd been fretting a little about having to be on site for 10 am on Thursday especially as the part of the site I needed to get to is quite a long walk from the bus stop. I was even more grateful however when an hour later one of the unit sisters came up with a message from the consultant that she had to cancel this time. Fine by me!

I give thanks for surviving grumbly drivers and a noisy treatment area. It was fairly cosy though so I was certainly grateful for that!

Cincuenta y siete

I give thanks for hurting less than I thought I might after yesterday - not much more than normal really though, despite a slightly better night, I'm about twenty times more tired! Despite the ever growing to do list, for not having to do anything urgent apart from look after my basic needs at a very leisurely pace...and being quite content with my lack of energy as it's the first time I've been exhausted by doing something nice for a very long time. It's a privilege and a luxury you know!

I give thanks for the bright and breezy weather for people out and about, the pastel sea after sun down. For part making some food for tomorrow when Rachel is due to come and, of course, lots of food for today! For a new to me quorn pie to try for tea as my appetite is outstripping my enthusiasm for culinary creation now, and for finally washing the clothes I had to strip off a few days ago when my lack of manual control got seriously out of hand.

Cincuenta y seis

Who pays the ferry man? We do, we do! I give great thanks, after grievously missing the big one that crosses the deep blue sea missed some weeks ago, that today I got to pootle about on little ones that serve a rather scenic city canal with Jan. I still wasn't sure up until 7 am today if I'd actually manage to do it - pain in the night making it seemingly impossible, but by getting up extra early for it to ease I was able to do the decent thing and honour our long standing agreement

I give thanks for the assistance I couldn't have done it without from through trains and my trusty fold up walking stick which I don't use for walking as much as for support when standing or trying to after sitting down! And for my true grit of course, by Jove I needed that...

I give thanks for the very great pleasure of Jan's company, for both finding perfect lunches very reasonably priced in the same laid back place, for lots to enjoy at a snail's pace and surprisingly mild and sometimes sunny weather to make a snail's pace (including lots of stopping for rests) more viable and pleasant. For brilliant busking drummers twitching our toes when we were flagging waiting for the ferry back to the station...and for psychic hedgehogs which I can't explain but which will spookily entertain us for as long as we both shall live!

Cincuenta y cinco

Mmm... I give thanks for filling a plain omelette with cream cheese and chopped chives last night, and serving with sliced new potatoes, leeks and peas. Highly recommended, though I don't recommend tipping the whole plate upside down and spilling everything on your lap, leggings, socks and living room carpet! There's a question in the PIP assessment about your ability to convey food (reliably) to your mouth...Mate, I can't convey anything reliably to anywhere, and just herd stuff hopefully in my chosen direction and see what transpires. What transpired in this was half a meal available, slightly fluffy and stone cold, after puzzling for some considerable time how to move at all without making the mess much worse. Ugh!

I give thanks for a bucket to soak clothes in, and enough clothes not to have to deal with it today. For dealing with today which, after another unspecified 'night' passed in a blur of fatigue and poorly concealed ill humour at the lack of peace and space and privacy which is normal for patients on the ward and obviously the way things have to be, but which I find very wearing sometimes. I give thanks I was so exhausted I managed to get a bit of sleep anyway - including in the taxi on the way to the hospital!

I give thanks though the last couple of days have largely been about damage limitation, I am cautiously optimistic that tomorrow, within my many limitations, I might try doing something for pleasure for a change.

Cincuenta y cuatro

For the bright crescent moon in the darkening pastel sky the previous two evenings, and for tonight's stay at home cosy murkiness.

I give thanks for Hippychick bedding that feels like flannelette but has a waterproof core. Usually when I've had cause to remember to give thanks for that I've been grateful for my washing machine too, but with mine out of action until a week on Saturday I was very grateful I was able to give thanks for Julie's instead... Also for her doing the lion's share of bed remaking as stripping it had been a touch traumatic to a still tender back.  I give thanks for a whole host of other helpfulness from her too, including enthusiasm for some dairy free biscuits found in the convenience store across the road.

I give thanks for trying to keep pottering about with odds and ends of chores myself despite little motivation or energy. For resolving to keep remembering there's not really such a thing as a bad night any more - there are just nights. Maybe if I do that they won't seem quite such hard going when they are going on...

Cincuenta y tres

Cincuenta y dos

When I've had a bad night I always give thanks if it's a day when I don't have to get up and ready for anything. Last night was particularly bad, so I was particularly grateful!

I give thanks for Bulb asking me to send them meter readings which seems to be a good sign I'm finally changing to a supplier of my choice. And for having the strength and motivation to go down the stairs and back to get the numbers for them.

I give thanks for Jenny inviting herself round for a cuppa in the afternoon, partly because it's always nice to see her but also because she offered to bring cake! And just after we'd arranged this I had notification a Boots order I'd clicked was ready to be collected and as she passed the shop on the way this worked out very well!

I give thanks for a late afternoon nap. Has to be done sometimes...and I was grateful for feeling a little more lively afterwards. I give thanks I've just heard from Julie that she is on the way after collecting some Tesco groceries I clicked earlier too. Lennon and McCartney wrote a song about something similar..