Sometimes words fail me, they really do! Sometimes it's words, actions, aims, intentions...the whole caboodle, even my body (allegedly - though from my perspective it still seems to be working OK). At the moment it's often even my thoughts that fail and my mind is mostly still, as if I've switched it off the better to survive the buffeting of other people's words, actions, aims, intentions...and inactions too of course! I've still got to think of some gratitudes though, I know....so here goes...
I give thanks for managing to untangle a massive tangle my Walkman headphones and listen to something soothing as I type, as the neighbours have one of their loud and grumbly friends visiting and I have a data cap in my internet at the moment so I can't listen to anything online.
I give thanks for taking my new camera out for a walk... and my tablet so that I could download the manual for it at the library (see above). For giving connecting camera to either my tablet or my phone several of my best shots (puns as well, I'm on a roll!) before running out of time and coming back to have another unsuccessful go at getting sense out of BT..
I give thanks for feeling physically remarkably strong despite all the dire warnings that I shouldn't and soon won't. After nearly nine years of this kind of thing I'm a wreck emotionally but I give thanks I can still nod and smile when required...and that it isn't required very often.
I give thanks Rachel is coming later with food for the appetite I'm not supposed to have any more...For hoping a treatment might help my poor weary head...
Monday, 31 July 2017
Sunday, 30 July 2017
And for my next pic
I give thanks I have a new camera...pretty much like my old one but a more recent model with less bells and whistles...and less scratches on the lens and hummus on the screen!
I give thanks for Mima coming and relieving me of that nasty brown stuff...and bringing a cut price Waitrose salad to share with me instead. For her asking what I used to clean my bathroom my tiles and realising (for the first time) that the grout looks almost as pristine as it did when they were put up several years ago. I don't know what sort of grout the chap used but it clearly is the biz!
I give thanks going down to let her in the front door I found some post that I didn't see there yesterday afternoon...including a piece of nice sweatshirting to make a little skirt though it's going to be rather small even for me unless I add a bit of something else which was a good idea from Mima, especially as I think I might have just the thing! I also give thanks for a letter from BT saying I couldn't have the service that last week, after another exasperated phone call, they assured me was up and running and even backdated. This means I now know what the first thing I have to do on Monday is...make another exasperated phone call! The last few weeks, with all the twists and turns of bad news, false hopes and no news or hope at all, I can finally say I no longer feel as if I'm losing the plot... I don't think there's a plot at all any more, it's a downright conspiracy!
I give thanks for managing to steer faint paths of clarity through the fog of fret and fear that clogs my brain, getting cleaning and sorting chores done in between vegging out with the Grand Prix highlights and a Nordic Noir novel. Oh, and for finding an email saying there will be a gong bath not too far away next week. I'd been told there was one last week but all my requests to join in were ignored and I was beginning to think they didn't want me there!
I give thanks for Mima coming and relieving me of that nasty brown stuff...and bringing a cut price Waitrose salad to share with me instead. For her asking what I used to clean my bathroom my tiles and realising (for the first time) that the grout looks almost as pristine as it did when they were put up several years ago. I don't know what sort of grout the chap used but it clearly is the biz!
I give thanks going down to let her in the front door I found some post that I didn't see there yesterday afternoon...including a piece of nice sweatshirting to make a little skirt though it's going to be rather small even for me unless I add a bit of something else which was a good idea from Mima, especially as I think I might have just the thing! I also give thanks for a letter from BT saying I couldn't have the service that last week, after another exasperated phone call, they assured me was up and running and even backdated. This means I now know what the first thing I have to do on Monday is...make another exasperated phone call! The last few weeks, with all the twists and turns of bad news, false hopes and no news or hope at all, I can finally say I no longer feel as if I'm losing the plot... I don't think there's a plot at all any more, it's a downright conspiracy!
I give thanks for managing to steer faint paths of clarity through the fog of fret and fear that clogs my brain, getting cleaning and sorting chores done in between vegging out with the Grand Prix highlights and a Nordic Noir novel. Oh, and for finding an email saying there will be a gong bath not too far away next week. I'd been told there was one last week but all my requests to join in were ignored and I was beginning to think they didn't want me there!
Saturday, 29 July 2017
One man's meat
Ych a fi! In the interests of combatting anaemia today I tried a cold roast beef sandwich. At least that's what it said on the packet but when I opened it it smelt just like the cat food I had to give Molly when Mima was away and my throat clenched in disgust. I give thanks I'm used to being anaemic and most carnivorous kidney patients are too, so after half a slice, heavily disguised by half a tub of coleslaw, I'll put it down to experience and give up on that idea. I give thanks Mima (or Molly) can have what's left...
I give thanks for trying a Pilates class this morning. I survived that much less scathed - we did the Child pose here and there, which I love, there was tea and cake afterwards as well. I give thanks for a charitable donation we could take some goodies home for later...just the thing to help me get over the traumas of the flesh!
I give thanks for the neighbours being worryingly quiet this afternoon, but deciding not to dwell on why and curl up on the sofa for a snooze as well, cosy under a blanket as the rain pattered against the window panes. I give thanks they're stirring now so I might risk putting the TV on, and maybe open a couple of parcels I hope contain purchases that will please.
I give thanks for putting a heater on for a little while as well as there's a lot of damp washing about...and it really is rather nippy even wearing a chunky cardigan.
I give thanks that Jo has learnt to left hand crochet after all these years of wishing she could. How wonderful that must be!
I give thanks for trying a Pilates class this morning. I survived that much less scathed - we did the Child pose here and there, which I love, there was tea and cake afterwards as well. I give thanks for a charitable donation we could take some goodies home for later...just the thing to help me get over the traumas of the flesh!
I give thanks for the neighbours being worryingly quiet this afternoon, but deciding not to dwell on why and curl up on the sofa for a snooze as well, cosy under a blanket as the rain pattered against the window panes. I give thanks they're stirring now so I might risk putting the TV on, and maybe open a couple of parcels I hope contain purchases that will please.
I give thanks for putting a heater on for a little while as well as there's a lot of damp washing about...and it really is rather nippy even wearing a chunky cardigan.
I give thanks that Jo has learnt to left hand crochet after all these years of wishing she could. How wonderful that must be!
Friday, 28 July 2017
Deep cleaning
I give thanks for the novels of Sue Grafton. Her private eye heroine deals with bad guys in work and out and knows the best way to spend a day home alone in between is in rigorous cleaning and curling up with a good book!
Recently there's been far too many of those when I've only done the latter and I give thanks for getting scrubbing and polishing again...including my spectacle lenses which have gained a little too of a pink tint of late. Gratitude and compassion are worthy and worthwhile states to be aiming for...but overdo it and you can think you're smelling roses but are actually encountering pricks!
I give thanks after starting this post, quite incidentally, a posse of vans from a specialist deep cleaning company arrived outside...but weren't coming into this particular building as they dealt in everything including forensic cleaning and 'fatality management' - a subject that fascinates me in the abstract but wouldn't want to live too close to you know?
I give thanks for finding a programme or two to watch on TV that doesn't have subtitles...so I can start sewing up Bob's unseasonable jumper. Oh...and Brendan's back! Gotta love Brendan haven't you? Sometimes even I crave a bit of shallow...
Recently there's been far too many of those when I've only done the latter and I give thanks for getting scrubbing and polishing again...including my spectacle lenses which have gained a little too of a pink tint of late. Gratitude and compassion are worthy and worthwhile states to be aiming for...but overdo it and you can think you're smelling roses but are actually encountering pricks!
I give thanks after starting this post, quite incidentally, a posse of vans from a specialist deep cleaning company arrived outside...but weren't coming into this particular building as they dealt in everything including forensic cleaning and 'fatality management' - a subject that fascinates me in the abstract but wouldn't want to live too close to you know?
I give thanks for finding a programme or two to watch on TV that doesn't have subtitles...so I can start sewing up Bob's unseasonable jumper. Oh...and Brendan's back! Gotta love Brendan haven't you? Sometimes even I crave a bit of shallow...
Thursday, 27 July 2017
Living the daydream
I give thanks for the smudgy sunset last night, visible out of opposite facing windows apparently all around the sky.
For feeling well and cooped up...which, though not my favourite sensation, is far better than ill and in need of incarceration. For nobody phoning and telling me otherwise...so going out to look at the recycled seafront sculptures instead. For managing to get a few reasonable photos despite the fact the hummus oil has pretty much destroyed my camera's LCD screen and it really is a case of point and shoot - without being at all sure exactly what you're pointing at! Think this piece is both stunning and emotive...made with timbers from a fire at a very old hotel. Some of the trees grew in the 1500s and it's called Hope & Renewal...
For the steam rising off wet tarmac when the sun came out after the rain, and the surprise of cold drops landing on my bare warm skin as I passed under trees. For a guitarist breaking into 'What a Day for a Daydream' as I walked by the practice hut.
I give thanks for epic dreams the last few nights...all kinds of wish fulfilment and wondrousness including a beach appearing in front of the terrace with bands playing on little sandy islands just off shore.
For discovering the work of Jon Ronson. He's the man who wrote the book The Men Who Stare at Goats which you may, as I did, know as a film...but I didn't realise this until I read another of his books in which he researches psychopaths. I'm now enjoying a compilation of his observational journalistic tales of human strangeness. If I can't be physically out of here I need pretty much constant distraction from reality instead and a lot of people he writes about seem to enjoy interesting interpretations of it themselves!
For feeling well and cooped up...which, though not my favourite sensation, is far better than ill and in need of incarceration. For nobody phoning and telling me otherwise...so going out to look at the recycled seafront sculptures instead. For managing to get a few reasonable photos despite the fact the hummus oil has pretty much destroyed my camera's LCD screen and it really is a case of point and shoot - without being at all sure exactly what you're pointing at! Think this piece is both stunning and emotive...made with timbers from a fire at a very old hotel. Some of the trees grew in the 1500s and it's called Hope & Renewal...
For the steam rising off wet tarmac when the sun came out after the rain, and the surprise of cold drops landing on my bare warm skin as I passed under trees. For a guitarist breaking into 'What a Day for a Daydream' as I walked by the practice hut.
I give thanks for epic dreams the last few nights...all kinds of wish fulfilment and wondrousness including a beach appearing in front of the terrace with bands playing on little sandy islands just off shore.
For discovering the work of Jon Ronson. He's the man who wrote the book The Men Who Stare at Goats which you may, as I did, know as a film...but I didn't realise this until I read another of his books in which he researches psychopaths. I'm now enjoying a compilation of his observational journalistic tales of human strangeness. If I can't be physically out of here I need pretty much constant distraction from reality instead and a lot of people he writes about seem to enjoy interesting interpretations of it themselves!
Wednesday, 26 July 2017
A splash of colour
I give thanks for remembering to do my shiatsu this morning. I'd been lolling in bed late with a book before another blood test and nearly forgot and it's easy to let things slide when you miss once or twice. So far the only day I haven't done the stretches was kayaking Monday but as the instructor said (probably trying to work out why such an unlikely character as myself was quite so enthusiastic) that is a very Zen activity so I figure I kind of got both exercise and meditation...
I give thanks for remembering to check the roof leak containers this morning. Bizarrely they've not been filling over the last couple of weeks and I was beginning to wonder if a seagull had been struck by lightning in the last big storm and had collapsed and filled the hole. (Yes, it's strange inside my head but I think we knew that anyway, didn't we?) Whatever was actually the reason it has now, quite reasonably I suppose, started leaking again so I was extra extra grateful to receive a Section 20 intention notification from the management company regarding fixing the roof. We can nominate companies to approach for a quote...so if anyone local knows a good roofer please let me know!
I give thanks for picking up a bottle of shampoo at the chemist when I went to get a prescription filled. I don't need any and it's not a sort I'd use, but quite often when I go in there I get one of their £1 items to put in one the food bank collection points because a) they are so kind and helpful and do free deliveries if required and b) I know what it's like to be very short of cash. Today I was on the way to library where one of these is sited so it made particular sense, but I also envisaged a conversation with one of the staff about what I was doing to spread the word...and that was exactly what happened. It was almost as if it were one of those slightly awkward scripts when a presenter or character on TV says 'Well, I'm glad you asked me that...' and goes into a promotional speech!
I give thanks for a cup of tea and catch up chat at Mima's and randomly encountering Julie in town. Not only was it nice to see them both but they both expressed some interest in kayaking with me in calmer waters some time!
I give thanks for working on a colourful tube scarf in case I get to go anywhere windy this autumn...
I give thanks for remembering to check the roof leak containers this morning. Bizarrely they've not been filling over the last couple of weeks and I was beginning to wonder if a seagull had been struck by lightning in the last big storm and had collapsed and filled the hole. (Yes, it's strange inside my head but I think we knew that anyway, didn't we?) Whatever was actually the reason it has now, quite reasonably I suppose, started leaking again so I was extra extra grateful to receive a Section 20 intention notification from the management company regarding fixing the roof. We can nominate companies to approach for a quote...so if anyone local knows a good roofer please let me know!
I give thanks for picking up a bottle of shampoo at the chemist when I went to get a prescription filled. I don't need any and it's not a sort I'd use, but quite often when I go in there I get one of their £1 items to put in one the food bank collection points because a) they are so kind and helpful and do free deliveries if required and b) I know what it's like to be very short of cash. Today I was on the way to library where one of these is sited so it made particular sense, but I also envisaged a conversation with one of the staff about what I was doing to spread the word...and that was exactly what happened. It was almost as if it were one of those slightly awkward scripts when a presenter or character on TV says 'Well, I'm glad you asked me that...' and goes into a promotional speech!
I give thanks for a cup of tea and catch up chat at Mima's and randomly encountering Julie in town. Not only was it nice to see them both but they both expressed some interest in kayaking with me in calmer waters some time!
I give thanks for working on a colourful tube scarf in case I get to go anywhere windy this autumn...
Tuesday, 25 July 2017
This may sound strange
This may sound strange...but I give thanks I've not been feeling so miraculously well the last few days. Facing the things ahead I dread might be easier if they seem necessary rather than some cruel and unjust punishment foisted on me unwillingly and undeservedly.
This may sound strange...but I give thanks I don't have as much money or love as I think I would like. It's easy to think a more comfortable and comforting home and more caring companionship would make both the present and the future more bearable. But who knows? Maybe they wouldn't and then what would there be to believe in at all?
I give thanks for the neighbourhood noise levels being mostly conducive to a day of quiet contemplation...along with domestic chores of course. For coming up with ideas for small dainty dishes to tempt my jaded appetite...and being bothered to produce them! For a Tesco delivery with some delicious lemon biscuits that helped as well... For a good book to leave my thoughts behind. For not being as sore or stiff as I feared I might.
Plus I'm still giving thanks for yesterday of course. The greatest times of joy for me now are often when it seems as if I've rediscovered a part of me I've lost. Yesterday I discovered something I'd never had!
This may sound strange...but I give thanks I don't have as much money or love as I think I would like. It's easy to think a more comfortable and comforting home and more caring companionship would make both the present and the future more bearable. But who knows? Maybe they wouldn't and then what would there be to believe in at all?
I give thanks for the neighbourhood noise levels being mostly conducive to a day of quiet contemplation...along with domestic chores of course. For coming up with ideas for small dainty dishes to tempt my jaded appetite...and being bothered to produce them! For a Tesco delivery with some delicious lemon biscuits that helped as well... For a good book to leave my thoughts behind. For not being as sore or stiff as I feared I might.
Plus I'm still giving thanks for yesterday of course. The greatest times of joy for me now are often when it seems as if I've rediscovered a part of me I've lost. Yesterday I discovered something I'd never had!
Monday, 24 July 2017
This girl canoe
OK, technically it was a kayak...but let's not get pedantic for the sake of a witty and topical post title eh? Yes, I give thanks for achieving the long held and highly unlikely ambition of propelling myself in a water borne vessel! Yes...you may raise your eyebrows and raise your hands...especially as the instructor, on hearing neither Julie nor I had any experience whatsoever, expressed some concern as to it being a good day to begin with the strong wind and turning tide. But hey...we gave it our best shot and I for one, despite being the weakest and least co-ordinated, absolutely adored it! Even when I was doing it wrong it felt so right, which when you've wanted to do something for a very long time isn't always the case.
I give thanks for the sheer head shaking beaming grin wonder of doing it, and remembering I did, though maybe next time (I'd love there to be a next time) not in quite such a busy boating thoroughfare...those wakes and currents defeated us both in the end, and we had to retire gracefully and let the experienced folk go on for further adventures.
I give thanks for the glorious sunshine. For the patience and good humour of the instructor who had probably never had such an enthusiastic and gleeful pupil before, and who was particularly kind when our fellow paddlers were not. Huge thanks of course to Julie for being up for doing something she normally wouldn't have and enabling me to be the person I still am inside who would. But most of all to me. I'm not good at asking for help with my dreams and schemes and longing for a 'normal' life, and often meet with disappointment when I do...but they never go away and my tenacity in adversity is, by my reckoning anyway, pretty astonishingly awesome. Even though the chances are running out, this girl can still do more than you might imagine!
I give thanks for the sheer head shaking beaming grin wonder of doing it, and remembering I did, though maybe next time (I'd love there to be a next time) not in quite such a busy boating thoroughfare...those wakes and currents defeated us both in the end, and we had to retire gracefully and let the experienced folk go on for further adventures.
I give thanks for the glorious sunshine. For the patience and good humour of the instructor who had probably never had such an enthusiastic and gleeful pupil before, and who was particularly kind when our fellow paddlers were not. Huge thanks of course to Julie for being up for doing something she normally wouldn't have and enabling me to be the person I still am inside who would. But most of all to me. I'm not good at asking for help with my dreams and schemes and longing for a 'normal' life, and often meet with disappointment when I do...but they never go away and my tenacity in adversity is, by my reckoning anyway, pretty astonishingly awesome. Even though the chances are running out, this girl can still do more than you might imagine!
Sunday, 23 July 2017
But I'm OK
So...yeah...what have I been grateful for in the last twenty four hours or so? Well, I give thanks I've not been breathing on anyone else - that farmer's market hummus was seriously garlicy! For a hastily concocted comforting cinnamon and apple crumble for dessert. For finding something to chuckle at on TV...laughter is such wonderful medicine and every little helps...
For sleeping long and soundly with the nightmares that leap out round every corner in my waking hours only skulking at the edges of my dreams. For the neighbours sleeping most of the day so I could do some Shaitsu and meditation in peace, though when this happens I do end up creeping around trying not to spoil it for them...or me!
I give thanks for finishing making a pair of cotton tracky bottoms from some sweatshirting in my fabric stash, which may come in handy for some vaguely sporting activities I have lined up in the coming week. Only very vaguely sporting obviously, but a tad more active than using a sewing machine...No point in counting those farmyard fowl of course but I give thanks for even the possibility of escaping the cage of boredom for a while. I now have my left hand strapped up with an Actipatch to try calm the pain in preparation...which makes things extra interestingly challenging in the meantime too, I guess...
For keeping on going, even when it feels as if I can't. Thought I'd look on the internet for some tips today and found a few that made me feel much worse. You know the kind of thing I'm sure - pointless platitudes of inappropriate positivity about 'things can only get better' and 'you can change anything if you put your mind to it'...all well and good in many situations I'm sure but I'm way beyond that now. I give thanks for finally finding something for the far reaches of distress and despair. 'It's not OK, but I'm OK' That's a good one, I'm going to remember that...
For sleeping long and soundly with the nightmares that leap out round every corner in my waking hours only skulking at the edges of my dreams. For the neighbours sleeping most of the day so I could do some Shaitsu and meditation in peace, though when this happens I do end up creeping around trying not to spoil it for them...or me!
I give thanks for finishing making a pair of cotton tracky bottoms from some sweatshirting in my fabric stash, which may come in handy for some vaguely sporting activities I have lined up in the coming week. Only very vaguely sporting obviously, but a tad more active than using a sewing machine...No point in counting those farmyard fowl of course but I give thanks for even the possibility of escaping the cage of boredom for a while. I now have my left hand strapped up with an Actipatch to try calm the pain in preparation...which makes things extra interestingly challenging in the meantime too, I guess...
For keeping on going, even when it feels as if I can't. Thought I'd look on the internet for some tips today and found a few that made me feel much worse. You know the kind of thing I'm sure - pointless platitudes of inappropriate positivity about 'things can only get better' and 'you can change anything if you put your mind to it'...all well and good in many situations I'm sure but I'm way beyond that now. I give thanks for finally finding something for the far reaches of distress and despair. 'It's not OK, but I'm OK' That's a good one, I'm going to remember that...
Saturday, 22 July 2017
Subtext
I give thanks for the return of a subtitled series called Dicte - Crime Reporter which, being Danish, contains plenty of hygge along with the crime and the reporting, storylines of the rather endearing character's lives including sorrows, sex and humour...sometimes all at once! As the neighbouring characters had more going on in their own lives than I, I give thanks for wireless headphones...Dicte phones, maybe?
I give thanks for going into the kitchen late in the evening and realising I'd done all the washing up and tidying earlier, but had forgotten after getting caught up in the plot, so that it was a nice surprise. For sleeping surprisingly deeply. Sadly, sometimes that's the best bit of the day...but as long as there's best bits eh?
This morning it felt like there weren't going to be any, you know? As if it would be a day of weepily wimping about places I'd like to go and people I'd like to see and various other stuff that wasn't to be - like a big hug and a bit of hygge! So I give thanks for the bits that weren't...
I gave thanks for having at least a rudimentary grasp of the principles or Buddhism so I know the foolishness of attachment...and for a well timed heavy shower I could go out and do the must be done stuff in the rain which I love (but am not attached to - sunshine is fine as well!) For the utterly empty beach and mud sludge coloured sea fading to turquoise, just me and then one lone surf life saver popping back for a dip after training. For deciding not to go to the Post Office...and it turning out the only mail I'd hoped to receive (a second hand novel) had turned up here in error. For reviewing the lightness of my purse and deciding to ditch the idea of a taxi and slog back up the hill carrying something for the foodbank, another second hand book and a bargain bucket bunch of flowers instead...
I give thanks for getting this written early as I've so many wonderful things to do this evening I won't have a moment to spare. Haha! Not really, just thought it best to get it done in between the mopey bits. And to see if you would read to the end...
I give thanks for going into the kitchen late in the evening and realising I'd done all the washing up and tidying earlier, but had forgotten after getting caught up in the plot, so that it was a nice surprise. For sleeping surprisingly deeply. Sadly, sometimes that's the best bit of the day...but as long as there's best bits eh?
This morning it felt like there weren't going to be any, you know? As if it would be a day of weepily wimping about places I'd like to go and people I'd like to see and various other stuff that wasn't to be - like a big hug and a bit of hygge! So I give thanks for the bits that weren't...
I gave thanks for having at least a rudimentary grasp of the principles or Buddhism so I know the foolishness of attachment...and for a well timed heavy shower I could go out and do the must be done stuff in the rain which I love (but am not attached to - sunshine is fine as well!) For the utterly empty beach and mud sludge coloured sea fading to turquoise, just me and then one lone surf life saver popping back for a dip after training. For deciding not to go to the Post Office...and it turning out the only mail I'd hoped to receive (a second hand novel) had turned up here in error. For reviewing the lightness of my purse and deciding to ditch the idea of a taxi and slog back up the hill carrying something for the foodbank, another second hand book and a bargain bucket bunch of flowers instead...
I give thanks for getting this written early as I've so many wonderful things to do this evening I won't have a moment to spare. Haha! Not really, just thought it best to get it done in between the mopey bits. And to see if you would read to the end...
Friday, 21 July 2017
Talking Irish
I've a soft spot for a Celtic accent, and am a sucker for a bit of charm, so I give thanks for this morning's call re further BT billing horror being dealt with by sweet talking chap from Belfast who really did have me believing he was on my side...while it was beneficial for him to do so of course. For a while I monitored call handling skills for this company and I know how much better you do with both customers and management if you can convince you give one! The Irish obviously have a headstart at sounding like they care...as do Northumbrians (don't they pet?) and, while I'm busy finding stereotypical regional fault, Devonians and Brummies sound like they haven't a clue, Londoners like they're not interested...and you can't understand the Scots and the 'overseas colleagues' well enough to be able to tell. I've caused a lot of offence over the years unintentionally so I guess I'm quite grateful for having a go at doing it deliberately for a change. Rachel was working on my hun on Monday, which is a Traditional Chinese Medicine term to do with spirit, but I chose to believe she was activating my inner Atilla!
I give thanks for the sound of the rain hurling itself against the double glazed windows. Such a cosy noise! For a bit of a lazy lolling day catching up with some recorded TV and beginning what should be a simple sewing project. For a pot of homemade broccoli and stilton soup for my tea which, though I've extracted as much of the potassium as I can (including a chunk of both the broccoli and the stilton) still tastes remarkably good.
I give thanks I wasn't too lazy to do my Shiatsu earler...nor too tired yesterday after a tiring day. That's what...Ten days in a row? Already it seems as if I can feel some strength and suppleness returning and that my posture's improved. I may be kidding myself but it's a relatively harmless self delusion compared to some I'm sure... I'm surprised how well my joints seem to to be taking it so far. Of course they could be biding their time for some seriously bothersome backlash but if so I give thanks it hasn't started yet.
Oh and I give thanks for a lady calling back about my bill and saying she was putting a credit on my account for all the extra money I've spent over the months I've been trying to sort out a reduction. She sounded trustworthy and practical...but she could have been talking Yorkshire!
I give thanks for the sound of the rain hurling itself against the double glazed windows. Such a cosy noise! For a bit of a lazy lolling day catching up with some recorded TV and beginning what should be a simple sewing project. For a pot of homemade broccoli and stilton soup for my tea which, though I've extracted as much of the potassium as I can (including a chunk of both the broccoli and the stilton) still tastes remarkably good.
I give thanks I wasn't too lazy to do my Shiatsu earler...nor too tired yesterday after a tiring day. That's what...Ten days in a row? Already it seems as if I can feel some strength and suppleness returning and that my posture's improved. I may be kidding myself but it's a relatively harmless self delusion compared to some I'm sure... I'm surprised how well my joints seem to to be taking it so far. Of course they could be biding their time for some seriously bothersome backlash but if so I give thanks it hasn't started yet.
Oh and I give thanks for a lady calling back about my bill and saying she was putting a credit on my account for all the extra money I've spent over the months I've been trying to sort out a reduction. She sounded trustworthy and practical...but she could have been talking Yorkshire!
Thursday, 20 July 2017
In camera
I give thanks for another busy day defying medical science. For the GP I spoke to yesterday reminding me I have a history of this as well as having horrible things the matter with me! He's not perhaps the most obviously medical efficient of the team but he does have the most excellent patient handling skills...
I give thanks for heading off to the city on one of the first bus pass friendly services to recce some things I like to think I might need to buy in the not too distant future. Including a new camera. As I was just checking out options today not buying, I give thanks for my current one still working despite being covered in leaking hummus oil in my bag this afternoon. I stuck it out of the window when I got home and took this to be sure...
I give thank for finding home made hummus and cous cous salad in the farmer's market. For hearing possibly the best saxophone player ever, especially after turning the corner and finding this was a small grey haired woman of some advancing years! No reason why it shouldn't be, but I bet you didn't expect that either did you?
For meeting Mima for a nice lunch in cafe I've always wanted to go to and company on the way home, but that she understood my prefering to shop on my own. For her being willing to put up with me for half an hour longer after we parted and I found the pharmacy were still waiting for my meds...and making me a cup of tea. For my meds finally arriving! For having a little epiphany about huge problem. Still can't solve it by myself...but I've completely clarified what needs to be solved. Just waiting for the Universe to respond to my clarity and send in the serendipity...
I give thanks for heading off to the city on one of the first bus pass friendly services to recce some things I like to think I might need to buy in the not too distant future. Including a new camera. As I was just checking out options today not buying, I give thanks for my current one still working despite being covered in leaking hummus oil in my bag this afternoon. I stuck it out of the window when I got home and took this to be sure...
I give thank for finding home made hummus and cous cous salad in the farmer's market. For hearing possibly the best saxophone player ever, especially after turning the corner and finding this was a small grey haired woman of some advancing years! No reason why it shouldn't be, but I bet you didn't expect that either did you?
For meeting Mima for a nice lunch in cafe I've always wanted to go to and company on the way home, but that she understood my prefering to shop on my own. For her being willing to put up with me for half an hour longer after we parted and I found the pharmacy were still waiting for my meds...and making me a cup of tea. For my meds finally arriving! For having a little epiphany about huge problem. Still can't solve it by myself...but I've completely clarified what needs to be solved. Just waiting for the Universe to respond to my clarity and send in the serendipity...
Wednesday, 19 July 2017
Water break
I was scared of being scared last night... when I'd finished pretending everything was all right, made tea and watched TV, read in the bath and gone to bed...scared when I put down the book and turned out the light that all the tears and fears would come. So I give thanks that's when the wonderful storm broke here, and I could open the curtains and watch the show and do my crying in the rain so to speak. In fact the thunder and lightning were so spectacular they made me laugh out loud as well...and I could drift off to sleep as they drifted away.
I give thanks so many people think I'm strong, that I plod along just fine with all the stuff I have to deal with they'd dread to have for themselves. It's easier for them that way, and in a way I guess it's easier for me too not having to worry about them worrying about me, or worry that they'd feel they ought to try to help somehow. I'd rather be a nought than an ought in others' lives...
I give thanks my original plan for today had been to go and out and do a lot of moving in a positive direction, not staying home miserably waiting for frightening phone calls (I'm supposed to keep my blood pressure low...have they no idea what they're doing to me?) I give thanks for giving in to a little breakdown instead lying on the sofa with soggy tissues, some silly TV movie to try to focus on...and then...once I heard the new appointment is four weeks away so I could relax a little again for a while...some warm egg mayo on ryvita (yum!)
I give thanks for today's mystery miracle which was - no water in the leak buckets! Where did all that storm rain that fell from the sky to the earth go??? For Julie agreeing to join me trying out something I've always wanted to do one afternoon next week. Best strike while the iron's high, I reckon (see, the dark humour is back) It's water related and somewhat outside my comfort zone. I give great thanks for that!
I give thanks so many people think I'm strong, that I plod along just fine with all the stuff I have to deal with they'd dread to have for themselves. It's easier for them that way, and in a way I guess it's easier for me too not having to worry about them worrying about me, or worry that they'd feel they ought to try to help somehow. I'd rather be a nought than an ought in others' lives...
I give thanks my original plan for today had been to go and out and do a lot of moving in a positive direction, not staying home miserably waiting for frightening phone calls (I'm supposed to keep my blood pressure low...have they no idea what they're doing to me?) I give thanks for giving in to a little breakdown instead lying on the sofa with soggy tissues, some silly TV movie to try to focus on...and then...once I heard the new appointment is four weeks away so I could relax a little again for a while...some warm egg mayo on ryvita (yum!)
I give thanks for today's mystery miracle which was - no water in the leak buckets! Where did all that storm rain that fell from the sky to the earth go??? For Julie agreeing to join me trying out something I've always wanted to do one afternoon next week. Best strike while the iron's high, I reckon (see, the dark humour is back) It's water related and somewhat outside my comfort zone. I give great thanks for that!
Tuesday, 18 July 2017
Grey areas
Goodness me I was tired last night! Trying to improve my fitness levels does seem a lot like wearing myself out sometimes, but after a hearty vegetarian cottage pie and a long awaited acupuncture treatment it did mean I had a good long sleep for which I was very grateful! I give thanks for the pearly colours of the sea before I closed my eyes - long before darkness fell.
I give thanks for Julie giving me a lift to my blood test this morning and for brightening up my day with further excursions including a quest for vegan cake (which took in a lot of local venues before success)...and being there when I got home to a scary message about my last blood test! Apparently I should have had two letters by now and thus missed an appointment, but I was in the Post Office yesterday and they assured me they had no mail for me. Apart from abject terror I give thanks I still feel fine and am still busy arranging all kinds of unlikely activities to prove it...
I give thanks she too saw the amazing sea last night so it wasn't just a post acupuncture visual effect...and that we both saw the strangest one in the bay today as the rain came in. A ship appeared in the gloom...and then gradually disappeared again, revealing itself (with the help of my zoomy camera) as a kind of mirage caused by???? Well, we don't know! Extra rain or hail hurling itself on a little patch of water perhaps...like when a shaft of sunlight falls? Maybe. I've seen a lot of sea in my time but I've certainly never seen anything like it - it was ship shape and everything!
I give thanks for continuing my quest for the missing meds with finally...whilst composing a paragraph of complaint...a new date for delivery! I give thanks for being able to delete said grumbly sentences. I know I have so much to be grateful for but sometimes...just between you and me...I could wish things could be a little easier, you know?
I give thanks for Julie giving me a lift to my blood test this morning and for brightening up my day with further excursions including a quest for vegan cake (which took in a lot of local venues before success)...and being there when I got home to a scary message about my last blood test! Apparently I should have had two letters by now and thus missed an appointment, but I was in the Post Office yesterday and they assured me they had no mail for me. Apart from abject terror I give thanks I still feel fine and am still busy arranging all kinds of unlikely activities to prove it...
I give thanks she too saw the amazing sea last night so it wasn't just a post acupuncture visual effect...and that we both saw the strangest one in the bay today as the rain came in. A ship appeared in the gloom...and then gradually disappeared again, revealing itself (with the help of my zoomy camera) as a kind of mirage caused by???? Well, we don't know! Extra rain or hail hurling itself on a little patch of water perhaps...like when a shaft of sunlight falls? Maybe. I've seen a lot of sea in my time but I've certainly never seen anything like it - it was ship shape and everything!
I give thanks for continuing my quest for the missing meds with finally...whilst composing a paragraph of complaint...a new date for delivery! I give thanks for being able to delete said grumbly sentences. I know I have so much to be grateful for but sometimes...just between you and me...I could wish things could be a little easier, you know?
Monday, 17 July 2017
Out patient
I give thanks for emerging scathed but still standing from the morning's skirmishes with the adversity of other people's agendas... For going back to sleep every time the aches and pains woke me up in the night so that though still sore and weary in spirit today I didn't feel too bodily fatigued.
I give thanks for getting so exasperated waiting for a delayed call about a delayed meds delivery I decided to go out in the sun for a while to chase the inner clouds away...and ended up walking so far I ended up where there were hardly any people, and could have a long peaceful sit down to recuperate from life's tangled tapestries as well as the trek. For the way when the crowds thin there's a sense you are sharing space not competing for it. For walking on the cool sand smoothed by retreating waves...
I give thanks for somehow getting back and getting the in town chores and shopping done afterwards though that did result in feeling seriously pained and drained... so I was grateful for the jolly souls encountered and a cab ride home as well.
For steering clear of hospitals (so far) after reading my horoscope for the first time in a while and seeing the warning 'Be wary of shortcuts and watch for inpatient speech and actions'
I give thanks for getting so exasperated waiting for a delayed call about a delayed meds delivery I decided to go out in the sun for a while to chase the inner clouds away...and ended up walking so far I ended up where there were hardly any people, and could have a long peaceful sit down to recuperate from life's tangled tapestries as well as the trek. For the way when the crowds thin there's a sense you are sharing space not competing for it. For walking on the cool sand smoothed by retreating waves...
I give thanks for somehow getting back and getting the in town chores and shopping done afterwards though that did result in feeling seriously pained and drained... so I was grateful for the jolly souls encountered and a cab ride home as well.
For steering clear of hospitals (so far) after reading my horoscope for the first time in a while and seeing the warning 'Be wary of shortcuts and watch for inpatient speech and actions'
Sunday, 16 July 2017
How To Fix Your Wife
I give thanks for a good long sleep last night. It's strange when you think about it that the part of your life you don't consciously participate in is so very vital. I give thanks though I was conscious of having had nightmares they were the mildly amusing kind that spring from an unusually inventive mind. In this case falling foul of a religious cult run from tea rooms by members easily mistaken for stalwarts of the WI...but in between the flowered china and pastel handled pastry forks were leaflets entitled 'How To Fix Your Wife' advocating total subservience to the male of the species, particularly their leaders, one of whom provided musical accompaniment on a banjo with an astonishingly lengthy neck. I really should consider therapy - I'm denying some psychiatric professional an interesting session or two!
I give thanks my buttocks and knees are confirming today what I suspected yesterday ie. walking up soft sand dunes with a loaded backpack might seem like a pleasurable activity but is actually quite hard physical labour! For remembering my twenty something year old self training for my 300 mile trek going up and down stairs with concrete in my rucksack. For remembering my twenty something self. Tell you a funny thing. When I do the Shiatsu I feel just like her again. I give a lot of thanks for that...
I give thanks for earplugs to facilitate meditation...and enjoying an enthralling book. For giving the sinks a vigorous scrub...and watching the white of a fluttering butterfly against the dark greens of the trees. For sending a thought of the Alhambra to someone. I wonder if they received it...
I give thanks my buttocks and knees are confirming today what I suspected yesterday ie. walking up soft sand dunes with a loaded backpack might seem like a pleasurable activity but is actually quite hard physical labour! For remembering my twenty something year old self training for my 300 mile trek going up and down stairs with concrete in my rucksack. For remembering my twenty something self. Tell you a funny thing. When I do the Shiatsu I feel just like her again. I give a lot of thanks for that...
I give thanks for earplugs to facilitate meditation...and enjoying an enthralling book. For giving the sinks a vigorous scrub...and watching the white of a fluttering butterfly against the dark greens of the trees. For sending a thought of the Alhambra to someone. I wonder if they received it...
Saturday, 15 July 2017
Meadow sweet
I give thanks for getting my earplugs in snugly last night the better not to overhear one set of neighbours enjoying life on a summer's evening, another set not enjoying the first set enjoying themselves and the canine contingent vocalising their various views on a dog's life...
I give thanks for Mima offering a slight escape today taking me for a swapsies picnic lunch among the dunes including the traditional flask of tea and a seasoning of sand in the sandwiches. For the weather being more pleasant than the forecast had foretold but not so good we couldn't find a little spot on the beach for a quick paddle. For a swapsies session of some surplus non edible items afterwards...always pleasing to please yourself and other people this way.
I give thanks for the frangipane fragrance of fluffy meadowsweet, delighted to find several of probably my favourite hedgerow flowers blooming in the nature reserve...and then discovering a whole meadow of them! I've never seen so many together in my life!
I give thanks for a nap on the sofa, more leftovers heating up for my tea...and that I must have done a LOT of cooking earlier this week without really realising. For something new to try on TV tonight - a Spanish thriller on BBC and for a Nordic Noir novel I started this morning and could hardly put down if that doesn't hit the spot...
I give thanks for Mima offering a slight escape today taking me for a swapsies picnic lunch among the dunes including the traditional flask of tea and a seasoning of sand in the sandwiches. For the weather being more pleasant than the forecast had foretold but not so good we couldn't find a little spot on the beach for a quick paddle. For a swapsies session of some surplus non edible items afterwards...always pleasing to please yourself and other people this way.
I give thanks for the frangipane fragrance of fluffy meadowsweet, delighted to find several of probably my favourite hedgerow flowers blooming in the nature reserve...and then discovering a whole meadow of them! I've never seen so many together in my life!
I give thanks for a nap on the sofa, more leftovers heating up for my tea...and that I must have done a LOT of cooking earlier this week without really realising. For something new to try on TV tonight - a Spanish thriller on BBC and for a Nordic Noir novel I started this morning and could hardly put down if that doesn't hit the spot...
Friday, 14 July 2017
Another day
Um, ho hum...what to say today? I give thanks for an early night with no hypno videos (or biscuits) required! For an entertaining and interesting book about...psychopaths!
I give thanks for the sound of the drummer at his early morning practice. For not having anything too pressing to do today...apart from a bit of ironing...as there's not been a lot of energy or enthusiasm to spare. For planning other things for other days with other people...
I give thanks for doing those Shiatsu stretches again yesterday and today...and that though the natives were a bit restless for successfully focussed meditation I did manage one round of something vaguely reminscent of a Salute to the Sun
I give thanks my little quick knitting project seems to be going OK. For trying not to do 'too much' at a time by being drawn into the ravelling mystery of multicoloured yarns revealing their pattern while watching good, but not riveting, tennis. For some nice things to eat I didn't have to cook as I'd cooked them another day...
I give thanks for the sound of the drummer at his early morning practice. For not having anything too pressing to do today...apart from a bit of ironing...as there's not been a lot of energy or enthusiasm to spare. For planning other things for other days with other people...
I give thanks for doing those Shiatsu stretches again yesterday and today...and that though the natives were a bit restless for successfully focussed meditation I did manage one round of something vaguely reminscent of a Salute to the Sun
I give thanks my little quick knitting project seems to be going OK. For trying not to do 'too much' at a time by being drawn into the ravelling mystery of multicoloured yarns revealing their pattern while watching good, but not riveting, tennis. For some nice things to eat I didn't have to cook as I'd cooked them another day...
Thursday, 13 July 2017
Larks and owls
I've been having trouble dropping off to sleep lately so I decided to try a hypnotism video on youtube. I give thanks it certainly induced an interesting mental state...and that after enjoying that for a couple of hours I tried something far more tried and tested - getting up to raid the biscuit tin!
I give thanks for finding a page which will play you different garden bird songs to match them to what can be heard when the gulls and pigeons pipe down. Apart from gulls and pigeons and a couple of corvids the only birds I can identify by sound are larks, owls, cuckoos and curlews but unless it's the middle of the night or the middle of the countryside there's not a lot of those around...
I give thanks for wearing a new dress for the first time and thinking how airy it felt around my legs...before realising at the communal doorway this was because it was tucked into my underwear! I give thanks for managing to deftly retrieve my dignity before the cleaner arrived on the threshold from the other direction. I give thanks for the cleaner cleaning...and for telling him so which he seemed to appreciate.
For giving in to a craving for Opium. It's a kind of knitting yarn that I liked the look of when it first came out but couldn't decide what small thing (it's not cheap) I wanted to make with it...until last night...and today I went forth and discovered a ball of plain in the £1 basket at a knitting shop in town. Then of course had to work out where to get a ball of the the multicoloured...one bus would take me close to a shop where I was fairly certain they had some...and another to a shop where I had no idea. So as I was by the bus stop I waited to see which bus came first, which turned out to be a late one to the mystery shop...and they just what I was looking for! As this was an unplanned excursion I give thanks for coping fairly well with the pet hate noises of people eating crisps and sweets in my ears, instead of pet sounds on my mp3player. For grabbing a couple of other items on my shopping list in another store and walking straight on to the bus back home...
I give thanks for the fabulous clouds not raining on me. For Actipatches for my aching places when I made it back here again...
I give thanks for finding a page which will play you different garden bird songs to match them to what can be heard when the gulls and pigeons pipe down. Apart from gulls and pigeons and a couple of corvids the only birds I can identify by sound are larks, owls, cuckoos and curlews but unless it's the middle of the night or the middle of the countryside there's not a lot of those around...
I give thanks for wearing a new dress for the first time and thinking how airy it felt around my legs...before realising at the communal doorway this was because it was tucked into my underwear! I give thanks for managing to deftly retrieve my dignity before the cleaner arrived on the threshold from the other direction. I give thanks for the cleaner cleaning...and for telling him so which he seemed to appreciate.
For giving in to a craving for Opium. It's a kind of knitting yarn that I liked the look of when it first came out but couldn't decide what small thing (it's not cheap) I wanted to make with it...until last night...and today I went forth and discovered a ball of plain in the £1 basket at a knitting shop in town. Then of course had to work out where to get a ball of the the multicoloured...one bus would take me close to a shop where I was fairly certain they had some...and another to a shop where I had no idea. So as I was by the bus stop I waited to see which bus came first, which turned out to be a late one to the mystery shop...and they just what I was looking for! As this was an unplanned excursion I give thanks for coping fairly well with the pet hate noises of people eating crisps and sweets in my ears, instead of pet sounds on my mp3player. For grabbing a couple of other items on my shopping list in another store and walking straight on to the bus back home...
I give thanks for the fabulous clouds not raining on me. For Actipatches for my aching places when I made it back here again...
Wednesday, 12 July 2017
Better than sliced bread
I give thanks for doing those Shiatsu stretches for the fourth day in a row! In my basic daily routine they used to be followed by three oms and a few minutes half lotus meditate on the breath...plus three rounds each side of Salute to the Sun. If there was time and the mood took me there would be more meditation or yoga of various kinds. I'm not consciously trying to head in that direction, my conscious mind suspects even one round of saluting the sun would lead to a semi permanent state of Savasana, but I did this for pretty much half my life and even after such a short reintroduction it's as if I've rediscovered a forgotten part of myself that I would now like to keep remembering, so we will have to see. Apart from any physical limitations it's dependent on a piece of peacefulness at a suitable time in the day so no point in forming any attachments (as ever) but I give thanks for getting this far anyway. Oh, and apologies if you've no idea what I'm talking about...salutations if you have!
I give thanks for managing to cut two slices of sourdough bread at just the right thickness to make a sandwich. I don't eat a lot of sandwiches mostly because I don't really like sliced bread but can do a lot of damage to decent loaf even trying to cut it chunky for toast, so this was a great achievement. For a tasty filling of lettuce (funnily enough) with sliced yellow pepper, cherry tomato and black olives.
I give thanks for a remarkably large piece of peacefulness today. By golly it does you good! And when folk returned, and I began to feel a bit invaded, for also feeling up for an evening stroll. For living somewhere where an evening stroll can be peaceful too.
I give thanks I made today's tea yesterday and have a pan of dahl waiting as my stroll was a bit of an uphill struggle in places and I'm a mite fatigued you could say...if you were being polite!
I give thanks for managing to cut two slices of sourdough bread at just the right thickness to make a sandwich. I don't eat a lot of sandwiches mostly because I don't really like sliced bread but can do a lot of damage to decent loaf even trying to cut it chunky for toast, so this was a great achievement. For a tasty filling of lettuce (funnily enough) with sliced yellow pepper, cherry tomato and black olives.
I give thanks for a remarkably large piece of peacefulness today. By golly it does you good! And when folk returned, and I began to feel a bit invaded, for also feeling up for an evening stroll. For living somewhere where an evening stroll can be peaceful too.
I give thanks I made today's tea yesterday and have a pan of dahl waiting as my stroll was a bit of an uphill struggle in places and I'm a mite fatigued you could say...if you were being polite!
Tuesday, 11 July 2017
Oat cuisine
I give thanks for the strange beauty of the sky last night - a rainbow curving through dark grey and yellow clouds, then hints of orange and pink. For making a small trial batch of almond and dried cherry flapjacks which turned out rather crumbly but so delicious I just ate all the crumbs anyway!
I give thanks though there was light rain this morning it wasn't pouring through the old extractor vent in my water tank cupboard on the landing so that when the management company chap came out he could see it wasn't 'leaking'. Poor man, I feel for him trying to steer his way between the aspirations of the people who live in the building and the guy who owns it. I knew he would have to say 'Yes but...' things, and they included 'It's a real problem with scaffolding on this road with narrow access'...to which I pointed out that scaffolding was pretty much always up somewhere along it nonetheless, and 'It's going to cost thousands...' at which I responded I'd rather spend my money on my share of the repairs than taking them to court. He's said to leave it with him (some more) but that he was going to get three quotes and formally consult with the leaseholders which is of course the correct process, so it's encouraging to know he is aware of property law and I give thanks for this.
I give thanks I can still click with my right and as I've been doing a lot of that today seeing if I can make a dream come true. The trouble with living with deteriorating health for many years is that you keep thinking of one more thing you'd like to do before it's too late. Well, maybe there are one or two other problems here and there but on the whole that one is my favourite!
For a cheery Tesco man enjoying my confusion at the 'price match' substitute for an out of stock pack of little gems which was three cheap round lettuce. As they also gave me an extra sliced loaf in error so clearly lettuce sandwiches will feature on the menu a lot over the next few days...unless I come across anyone with a rabbit!
I give thanks though there was light rain this morning it wasn't pouring through the old extractor vent in my water tank cupboard on the landing so that when the management company chap came out he could see it wasn't 'leaking'. Poor man, I feel for him trying to steer his way between the aspirations of the people who live in the building and the guy who owns it. I knew he would have to say 'Yes but...' things, and they included 'It's a real problem with scaffolding on this road with narrow access'...to which I pointed out that scaffolding was pretty much always up somewhere along it nonetheless, and 'It's going to cost thousands...' at which I responded I'd rather spend my money on my share of the repairs than taking them to court. He's said to leave it with him (some more) but that he was going to get three quotes and formally consult with the leaseholders which is of course the correct process, so it's encouraging to know he is aware of property law and I give thanks for this.
I give thanks I can still click with my right and as I've been doing a lot of that today seeing if I can make a dream come true. The trouble with living with deteriorating health for many years is that you keep thinking of one more thing you'd like to do before it's too late. Well, maybe there are one or two other problems here and there but on the whole that one is my favourite!
For a cheery Tesco man enjoying my confusion at the 'price match' substitute for an out of stock pack of little gems which was three cheap round lettuce. As they also gave me an extra sliced loaf in error so clearly lettuce sandwiches will feature on the menu a lot over the next few days...unless I come across anyone with a rabbit!
Monday, 10 July 2017
Normal service
I give thanks for feeling OK today, neither my spirit nor body too sore. For sleeping better and, in another patch of neighbourhood quietness, doing my Shiatsu stretches for the second day in a row. I'm not as stretchy as I used to be of course, nor as bendy, but I figure that's as much lack og practice as anything else. Many years ago for many years I used to do them pretty much every day but twice in a year now is pretty sensational! For a little meditate as well. That isn't quite as rare as the Shiatsu but not nearly as frequent as I'd like it to be partly because it's seems so much harder when there's noise nearby...though of course the less you do it the more noise there is in your head as well. For a paddle on a tropical beach in a guided visualisation...
I give thanks to Jenny for giving me a lift to knitting, and for having a bit of a natter with the ladies there. For reading some interesting articles my death row penfriend sent me about the science of mind over matter... and finally getting a long overdue reply to him written and sent.
For a lot of research forming a little idea that something I've wanted forever and I thought might be completely impossible (for ever, not just for now) might actually not be so after all. The trick now being, of course, to have faith and hope that it can happen, but not put so much faith in it I lose hope if it does not...
For one of the most gripping tennis final sets of a tennis match I've ever seen taking up a large chunk of the evening as it was also one of the longest. There are lots of ways one can lose one's attachment to the illusion of reality when there are things one finds hard to bear...and for me classic, epic, shout at the TV tennis (even if the neighbours can hear you) is right up there with the best!
I give thanks to Jenny for giving me a lift to knitting, and for having a bit of a natter with the ladies there. For reading some interesting articles my death row penfriend sent me about the science of mind over matter... and finally getting a long overdue reply to him written and sent.
For a lot of research forming a little idea that something I've wanted forever and I thought might be completely impossible (for ever, not just for now) might actually not be so after all. The trick now being, of course, to have faith and hope that it can happen, but not put so much faith in it I lose hope if it does not...
For one of the most gripping tennis final sets of a tennis match I've ever seen taking up a large chunk of the evening as it was also one of the longest. There are lots of ways one can lose one's attachment to the illusion of reality when there are things one finds hard to bear...and for me classic, epic, shout at the TV tennis (even if the neighbours can hear you) is right up there with the best!
Sunday, 9 July 2017
Neither hear nor there
Being here now not being where I want to be, I give thanks for the people who've helped me feel free of it one way and another this last week. Including myself of course...and, most especially, for everyone upstairs being out for an hour or so today. Not being able to overhear or simply feel the presence of people overhead is most unusual and a source of such sweet release! I always have a little mental list of pleasures to partake of in the delicious sense of privacy and safety that envelops me...often, but not exclusively, meditation related, though sometimes this takes the form of merely mindfully 'being here now' not wishing myself far away. I give thanks as no one nearby was wielding angle grinders, lawnmowers, strimmers, chain saws for a while too, no dogs barking, yapping or howling, I enjoyed some of that as well.
I give thanks for the sight of the bright moon reflected on the sea last night reminding me it's not all bad! That though it was hard to get comfortable enough to sleep I wasn't in a great deal of pain...for extra snooze time after I first woke up this morning, and a micro nap after I unlotussed my limbs.
I give thanks for having a few tasks to tackle...but only a few. For starting a little crossword compiling task Joanne set me, and finishing sewing a pair of shorts. For discovering I'd left a cooker ring on before it burnt a hole in the pan!
I give thanks for the sight of the bright moon reflected on the sea last night reminding me it's not all bad! That though it was hard to get comfortable enough to sleep I wasn't in a great deal of pain...for extra snooze time after I first woke up this morning, and a micro nap after I unlotussed my limbs.
I give thanks for having a few tasks to tackle...but only a few. For starting a little crossword compiling task Joanne set me, and finishing sewing a pair of shorts. For discovering I'd left a cooker ring on before it burnt a hole in the pan!
Saturday, 8 July 2017
Lilies of the moor
Heavens I'm tired tonight...but I give thanks it's for a most excellent reason! Feeling cornered and trapped in so many ways at the moment any kind of escape is welcome, but a great escape into the great outdoors where for a few hours I could feel like the 'real' me again is one of the best of all. Quite how I managed to leave all the aches and pains behind as well as the stresses and worries I really don't know...well obviously I don't as if I did I'd be doing it all the time wouldn't I? But equally obviously I give great thanks I did. Maybe it was just the sheer joy of doing something that felt so good it used up all my sensory perception for a while...certainly I can feel some bodily protests now it's over, but a little bit of my mind (and a couple of photos) are the key to the memory of the pleasure and I'm very grateful I will have that too.
I give thanks to Mima for her facilitation, and her patience with the tricksy parking manoeuvres...and the frequent stops I need to get up a hill! For feeling almost skippy coming down! For the weather and traffic staying kind and reasonably priced cups of tea...
For finding this lovely spot, despite it staying so well hidden we'd given up looking and were on the way back to the car when we came across it quite by accident!
I give thanks to Mima for her facilitation, and her patience with the tricksy parking manoeuvres...and the frequent stops I need to get up a hill! For feeling almost skippy coming down! For the weather and traffic staying kind and reasonably priced cups of tea...
For finding this lovely spot, despite it staying so well hidden we'd given up looking and were on the way back to the car when we came across it quite by accident!
Friday, 7 July 2017
Giant leap
I give thanks to Googlemaps for making me laugh. I was searching for the Giant's Causeway and it said 'would you like directions?' so I said yes...by public transport if you please...and... after a long delay...it actually came up with a couple of routes. The first one included setting off in a short while and ambling around Birmingham city centre in the wee small hours before getting a bus to Aberdeen... and then one from there to Belfast via the Stena ferry from Cairnryan...and then a few more rides the other side to close by. There's a difference between possible and probable of course but I have to admit I was impressed!
I give thanks for enjoying going to the writers' group from the social aspect...which is an unusual enough experience for me anyway. For a reason to be out on a balmy summer's evening, with a sunset painting the sky, the scent of roses peeping over the wall and my little legs carrying me along. For remembering I am a writer before, during and afterwards, as I suspect my fellow members consider me a lightweight in the words department, not producing a narrative in the improvisation style exercise but a descriptive musing too akin to (probably bad) poetry for the others' tastes. Oh well, if they don't mind me being me I'm pretty sure there's no one else I can be...if it gets to the stage where I feel I'm not offering anything anyone appreciates it's not compulsory I keep going is it? Though a black sheep/bottom of the heap sort always has a value in any sort of group - they can make the rest feel better about themselves..
I give thanks for coming across this article on Facebook later - nice timing Universe!
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20170601-can-writing-about-pain-make-you-heal-faster
That was yesterday, today I've been rather too weary and teary for much in the way of giant leaps of faith or dancing steps of gratitude. I give thanks for soldiering on trying to stand my ground in the seemingly endless struggles to keep the drear at bay...and to remember, much as it may feel like a battelfield at times, it's not. For cleaning because I find it soothing to make what order I can in the chaos. Keep on breathing in and out... Remember none of it is real...
I give thanks for enjoying going to the writers' group from the social aspect...which is an unusual enough experience for me anyway. For a reason to be out on a balmy summer's evening, with a sunset painting the sky, the scent of roses peeping over the wall and my little legs carrying me along. For remembering I am a writer before, during and afterwards, as I suspect my fellow members consider me a lightweight in the words department, not producing a narrative in the improvisation style exercise but a descriptive musing too akin to (probably bad) poetry for the others' tastes. Oh well, if they don't mind me being me I'm pretty sure there's no one else I can be...if it gets to the stage where I feel I'm not offering anything anyone appreciates it's not compulsory I keep going is it? Though a black sheep/bottom of the heap sort always has a value in any sort of group - they can make the rest feel better about themselves..
I give thanks for coming across this article on Facebook later - nice timing Universe!
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20170601-can-writing-about-pain-make-you-heal-faster
That was yesterday, today I've been rather too weary and teary for much in the way of giant leaps of faith or dancing steps of gratitude. I give thanks for soldiering on trying to stand my ground in the seemingly endless struggles to keep the drear at bay...and to remember, much as it may feel like a battelfield at times, it's not. For cleaning because I find it soothing to make what order I can in the chaos. Keep on breathing in and out... Remember none of it is real...
Thursday, 6 July 2017
Keeping one's composure
I give thanks to David Haines for the archipelago of arpeggios in his wonderfully wavey arrangement of Charles Causley's Rattler Morgan. As the concert I can't go to nears I found myself singing it in my dreams and begging to be allowed to join in. I give thanks that Christine (who knows how much I love the poem/song) must have heard me and sent me a text this morning
I give thanks that Bob, one of the few beings I know who understand both the irrespressible urge to create music and electronic software is going to help me see if there's some way of getting back into this without two working hands...when he's finished putting his hands to good use moving home!
I give thanks for fending off today's little sideswipe to my sanity ie. hearing from the management company that the freeholder (who has allegedly been getting scaffolding for the roof) won't do it because he says it's my water tank that's leaking. The tank before this one did leak and he has never let me forget it...any water ingress anywhere in the property he blames me! I pointed out there's only a leak when it rains...and kindly offered to upload some videos to their Facebook page to illustrate the situation...but they immediately suggested sending someone from their team to meet me here for a guided tour instead. I give thanks I didn't book the trip I was tempted to in last night's attempt at 'day seizing' as it was on the date that they suggested...
A bit tired and achey, I give thanks for taking it easy today...catching up with the chores and making and eating a large late leisurely lunch as, though the day seems to have slipped away, I have seized on something to do this evening - attending the first meeting of a local writers' group. I can't say it's something I've always wanted to do, I wouldn't go so far as to say I even want to do it now but hey ho, it's got to be worth trying it out eh? I know how to spell trepidation...I'm sure it'll be fine.
I give thanks that Bob, one of the few beings I know who understand both the irrespressible urge to create music and electronic software is going to help me see if there's some way of getting back into this without two working hands...when he's finished putting his hands to good use moving home!
I give thanks for fending off today's little sideswipe to my sanity ie. hearing from the management company that the freeholder (who has allegedly been getting scaffolding for the roof) won't do it because he says it's my water tank that's leaking. The tank before this one did leak and he has never let me forget it...any water ingress anywhere in the property he blames me! I pointed out there's only a leak when it rains...and kindly offered to upload some videos to their Facebook page to illustrate the situation...but they immediately suggested sending someone from their team to meet me here for a guided tour instead. I give thanks I didn't book the trip I was tempted to in last night's attempt at 'day seizing' as it was on the date that they suggested...
A bit tired and achey, I give thanks for taking it easy today...catching up with the chores and making and eating a large late leisurely lunch as, though the day seems to have slipped away, I have seized on something to do this evening - attending the first meeting of a local writers' group. I can't say it's something I've always wanted to do, I wouldn't go so far as to say I even want to do it now but hey ho, it's got to be worth trying it out eh? I know how to spell trepidation...I'm sure it'll be fine.
Wednesday, 5 July 2017
Don't worry!
Don't worry, I'm here! blood test scare sent me off into a panic this morning and then that panned out into a greater resolve to have a bit less carping on and a bit more carpe diem...which means a lot of this evening has been spent seizing on ideas for things to do and going round in circles on the internet trying to work out how to make them happen without loads of dosh/a set of wheels/a travelling companion/a better functioning body. I give thanks to Mima for agreeing in principle to do a bit more day seizing with me, although bless her she already bears a heavy load of accommodating my wishes and accompanying me.
I give thanks for her meeting me on the beach this afternoon as I'd hoped she might be up for chivvying me into taking a dip as the water was a tad nippier than I was keen on and, though my body image has improved in the last few months, I still get self conscious on my own. I was grateful for adopting my policy for sunny days this summer ie to wear swimwear instead of underwear 'just in case' and for finding a not too crowded space on the sand...and eventually for chivvying myself and going in alone anyway! Another little milestone in trying to remake a life...
I give thanks for the prettiest blue of the sea, a cup of tea with a lovely view of it...for the bus I was going to miss being late so I caught it. I give thanks for continuing to feel unreasonably well and energetic, and for the lack of viewers for my flat meaning I don't have to squander this in lots of tidying and cleaning...
I give thanks for some good news at last from and for Bob. It's great that he has inherited my wit and wisdom but I do worry sometimes he might have picked up the gene for attracting misfortune, the better to be witty and wise about it as well! It's so good to think about people being happy, isn't it, especially those we care about...to imagine them enjoying the joy they're feeling? But it can also make you sad to feel their pain when they're unhappy or hurting instead... I give thanks for understanding it's mostly not actions or circumstances that cause the distress, but just the distressed person's brain...but it doesn't always help.
I give thanks for discovering you can download magazines from your local library. My first reaction on finding this out was 'But I don't read magazines...' but they have New Scientist and National Geographic too so I really am grateful to be able to access these publications I tend to think of as luxury items for free!
I give thanks for her meeting me on the beach this afternoon as I'd hoped she might be up for chivvying me into taking a dip as the water was a tad nippier than I was keen on and, though my body image has improved in the last few months, I still get self conscious on my own. I was grateful for adopting my policy for sunny days this summer ie to wear swimwear instead of underwear 'just in case' and for finding a not too crowded space on the sand...and eventually for chivvying myself and going in alone anyway! Another little milestone in trying to remake a life...
I give thanks for the prettiest blue of the sea, a cup of tea with a lovely view of it...for the bus I was going to miss being late so I caught it. I give thanks for continuing to feel unreasonably well and energetic, and for the lack of viewers for my flat meaning I don't have to squander this in lots of tidying and cleaning...
I give thanks for some good news at last from and for Bob. It's great that he has inherited my wit and wisdom but I do worry sometimes he might have picked up the gene for attracting misfortune, the better to be witty and wise about it as well! It's so good to think about people being happy, isn't it, especially those we care about...to imagine them enjoying the joy they're feeling? But it can also make you sad to feel their pain when they're unhappy or hurting instead... I give thanks for understanding it's mostly not actions or circumstances that cause the distress, but just the distressed person's brain...but it doesn't always help.
I give thanks for discovering you can download magazines from your local library. My first reaction on finding this out was 'But I don't read magazines...' but they have New Scientist and National Geographic too so I really am grateful to be able to access these publications I tend to think of as luxury items for free!
Tuesday, 4 July 2017
Alternative therapy
I give thanks for surviving the cancer that was supposed to carry me off, but there's rarely a day doesn't go by when I don't mourn the loss of some capability or activity that didn't survive the journey...particularly when I'm low or under pressure and can't access the cathartic therapies that used to make the wrong seem right before. Then it's a double whammy! One of the things I miss most is going for long rambles up hill and down dale or along the craggy coastpath - it was cheap, you could do it with or without company and, if you weren't a wuss, in pretty much all weathers too. Though over the last year I've learnt how grateful I am to be able to walk at all, the week to week footfall routes are merely functional...and on those occasional days here and there when I have energy to spare and all bodily malfunctions are under control, I'm usually flummoxed as to where I could stretch my legs for pleasure that's shortish, flattish, reasonably scenic, accessible by public transport or a very short taxi ride and (big catch here this time of year) not utterly clogged with tourists!
So yesterday I gave thanks for remembering a stroll through part of a country estate that I could get to after having my bloods done this morning, and after managing to conversationally sidestep the cab driver who keeps offering me a free massage from his healing hands (!), making off some charity shop donations, with knees and back and anaemia all co-operating, I 'trotted' off down the track quite happily...until I realised the parkland was a hive of activity in preparation for a motor festival at the weekend.
Oh well...there were still some trees to see (this one looks a bit like what it's like inside my head!) and perhaps all the bustle made me walk a bit quicker than normal as the path didn't seem as long as I remembered it. I decided to be grateful for this - maybe I'm a bit fitter than I think (?) and anyways it was a whole lot better than thinking the walk too long. I was ready to be grateful for refreshments at the end before the bus back but the shop/cafe had a power cut and couldn't serve hot drinks or ice cream so I took an executive decision and shaking my fist at the unruly universe decided to walk back along the slightly too short path and get something in the village instead. Before arriving there however I realised 2 x 1 slightly too short distance = 1 slightly over ambitious one, and just got on the bus to hobble home for free ice cream and tea on the sofa here. So as far as providing that spirit lifting experience I was yearning for the trip was a pretty poor failure, but I did get the the 'Phew, that was a bit of a workout!' feeling without excessive pain (so far) so all in all I'm grateful for the attempt.
Rachel being off on her hols at the moment there was no acupuncture to help me get my mojo back last night...so I give thanks to Colin for offering some alternative therapy including whisking me off for a quick drink at that nice pub across the river where it turned out some talented and amiable chaps were singing and playing a fairly random medley of covers to couples of a certain age in comfy armchairs. I give thanks there were a couple of free armchairs! For the warm evening, the nice surprise and the twinkle of lights on the water... It didn't fix anything of course, but it made me forget about fretting about the unfixable for a while. And today, though still nothing is fixed, at least I'm less fixated... Thanks Colin!
So yesterday I gave thanks for remembering a stroll through part of a country estate that I could get to after having my bloods done this morning, and after managing to conversationally sidestep the cab driver who keeps offering me a free massage from his healing hands (!), making off some charity shop donations, with knees and back and anaemia all co-operating, I 'trotted' off down the track quite happily...until I realised the parkland was a hive of activity in preparation for a motor festival at the weekend.
Oh well...there were still some trees to see (this one looks a bit like what it's like inside my head!) and perhaps all the bustle made me walk a bit quicker than normal as the path didn't seem as long as I remembered it. I decided to be grateful for this - maybe I'm a bit fitter than I think (?) and anyways it was a whole lot better than thinking the walk too long. I was ready to be grateful for refreshments at the end before the bus back but the shop/cafe had a power cut and couldn't serve hot drinks or ice cream so I took an executive decision and shaking my fist at the unruly universe decided to walk back along the slightly too short path and get something in the village instead. Before arriving there however I realised 2 x 1 slightly too short distance = 1 slightly over ambitious one, and just got on the bus to hobble home for free ice cream and tea on the sofa here. So as far as providing that spirit lifting experience I was yearning for the trip was a pretty poor failure, but I did get the the 'Phew, that was a bit of a workout!' feeling without excessive pain (so far) so all in all I'm grateful for the attempt.
Rachel being off on her hols at the moment there was no acupuncture to help me get my mojo back last night...so I give thanks to Colin for offering some alternative therapy including whisking me off for a quick drink at that nice pub across the river where it turned out some talented and amiable chaps were singing and playing a fairly random medley of covers to couples of a certain age in comfy armchairs. I give thanks there were a couple of free armchairs! For the warm evening, the nice surprise and the twinkle of lights on the water... It didn't fix anything of course, but it made me forget about fretting about the unfixable for a while. And today, though still nothing is fixed, at least I'm less fixated... Thanks Colin!
Monday, 3 July 2017
Clean on me
I give thanks for putting on one of my favourite dresses and doing some serious housework, up ladders to polish the topmost windows and pulling the heavy plant pots out to clean in inaccessible nooks. I may be fresh out of fairy godmothers and handsome princes but I can still do the Cinderella chores pretending I'm going to out to lunch...if not anywhere near a ball! (Yes, I know there's more than one meaning to out to lunch...it's a cotton dress it will wash...)
It's hard to imagine when I might have a viewer again, or even a social visitor come to that, but it doesn't mean I'm not worth it (having visitors/viewers/a dirt free environment) plus it's really quite therapeutic making shiny order out of mess and grime, isn't it? Is it? To be honest I don't feel particularly theraped but I give thanks, as ever, for trying anyway. My back is, of course, is in a right old nark but it's letting me, despite the grumbles, so I have to give thanks for that too.
I give thanks by standing my TV box on its front on the carpet the aerial is willing to bring me signals for basic HD channels and red button offerings from Wimbledon...I just need to master the different wrist action to get it to pick up the signal from the remote control in this particular position...and vow not to vacuum close by for two weeks!
I give thanks for a scone from the freezer with jam and cream. For trying to meditate, to focus on my breath going in and out instead of the toing and froing upstairs. And though that failed that I did drift into a little siesta...
It's hard to imagine when I might have a viewer again, or even a social visitor come to that, but it doesn't mean I'm not worth it (having visitors/viewers/a dirt free environment) plus it's really quite therapeutic making shiny order out of mess and grime, isn't it? Is it? To be honest I don't feel particularly theraped but I give thanks, as ever, for trying anyway. My back is, of course, is in a right old nark but it's letting me, despite the grumbles, so I have to give thanks for that too.
I give thanks by standing my TV box on its front on the carpet the aerial is willing to bring me signals for basic HD channels and red button offerings from Wimbledon...I just need to master the different wrist action to get it to pick up the signal from the remote control in this particular position...and vow not to vacuum close by for two weeks!
I give thanks for a scone from the freezer with jam and cream. For trying to meditate, to focus on my breath going in and out instead of the toing and froing upstairs. And though that failed that I did drift into a little siesta...
Sunday, 2 July 2017
World peace
I give thanks for giving myself some respite from the world. All those years of yearning to be welcomed in I never realised how restful it can be just to let go and let it all go on without wishing it wasn't going on without me.
I give thanks for switching off the silent phone, clambering out of that sticky tangled web. I give thanks for all the folk who feel connected and who aren't kidding themselves. Well, even if they are kidding themselves I guess, as long as they don't find out!
I give thanks for headphones and earplugs as my surrendered isolation takes place of course in the midst of an omnipresent usually audible crowd. For trying to find the piece of me inside that's peaceful.
I give thanks for all the colours I've seen in the sea, on the cgi in Life of Pi and from my windows here. For getting a little bit closer until sciatica pain drove me back, plus a sense I'm just too fragile to be out at the moment, like I'm missing an invisible shield and it shows. I can't believe it's hurting as much as it is once more...I thought all that was history now. Feeling, admittedly irrationally, rather cheated and mistreated that it's not, I'm also understandably fearful it might hurt a lot more yet.
I give thanks for the fabric on a pillow case I have. I could stare for hours at the repeating patterns and imperfections, the relationships between the shapes and shades...and sometimes it seems like I do! I give thanks sometimes it seems as if I stare at the patterns and imperfections of life long enough I might give thanks for that too. In the meantime, as it's gone quiet...quite tempting just to go back to the safe place of sleep...
Saturday, 1 July 2017
This charming man
Feeling chilled to the soul and weary last night, I gave thanks the night before I'd made some dahl and Eve's pudding so had some heart cockle warming comfort food to hand.
I gave thanks for Merciless, a C4 series from Brazil about a disarming killer using his charm to harm. For car ads with their glorious scenery. For the evening light colouring the sky almost like yesterday's photo
For the duvet of oblivion...and dreams with fairly gentle revision of subjects my subconcious thought I'd not thought enough about
Today for the sunshine for those doing sunny things, the wind for those doing those...and for myself, with increasing resolve to do no things whatsoever at all, for both together and the way the leaves dance in the light. Oh and for finding an untitled poem I wrote written a year or two ago. It fascinates me how emotions make some of us want to arrange squiggles or pixels. And squiggles or pixels make some of us feel emotion...not psychopaths though I suppose...
I gave thanks for Merciless, a C4 series from Brazil about a disarming killer using his charm to harm. For car ads with their glorious scenery. For the evening light colouring the sky almost like yesterday's photo
For the duvet of oblivion...and dreams with fairly gentle revision of subjects my subconcious thought I'd not thought enough about
Today for the sunshine for those doing sunny things, the wind for those doing those...and for myself, with increasing resolve to do no things whatsoever at all, for both together and the way the leaves dance in the light. Oh and for finding an untitled poem I wrote written a year or two ago. It fascinates me how emotions make some of us want to arrange squiggles or pixels. And squiggles or pixels make some of us feel emotion...not psychopaths though I suppose...
Lest we regret
Unbearably
The unforgotten
wounds
Holes in our hearts
the hope seeps from
In stillness or
sobriety…
The silence of the
night
Awake, alone...or
might as well be
Lest we regret
unbearably
The unforgotten
losses
The hands we held
that slipped from ours too swiftly
We find a solace in
sweet wine
The scent of flowers
cut to die
The lick of salt on
a lover's skin
Or try to...
Lest we regret
unbearably
The unforgotten
truth of joy
Before the lie
We live
A little
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
