Still small voice of harm

I still hear the voices of my mother and siblings echoing in my head, saying the kind of things they used to do about me not deserving good things as I'm a bad person in so many ways. I give thanks, many years too late, I understand though I've made some poor life choices and calls, with better genes and nurturing I might have been in a better position to make better ones. Conversely quite a lot of people I've met since my immediate family have told me I can't have good things in life because I don't think I deserve them and believe I'm a bad person in so many ways, don't think positively enough etc. Actually, I reckon I'm usually pretty good person and usually positive until what I perceive negative things happen...including people telling me I'm not trying hard enough! To my mind no one is all good or bad, though it's true we all to some degree do harm - to others and ourselves - and who is to say what any one else 'deserves' anyway! It mystifies me that some people believe it's OK to tell other people they are not and I give thanks that apart my son and a couple of cousins I don't have family connections any more...though of course, as usual, I give thanks there are folk for whom nearest are dear and whose experience of relationships with relatives is a source of joy and succour. I'm happy for everyone who has happy!

I give thanks for dreaming of a Christmas with Bob, packing lots of little gifts into a stocking for him ...and then finding out on waking he'd been reading my blog in the night, making kind 'You don't deserve this' type comments, and thanking me for his belated Christmas jumper!

I give thanks to Jan for helping me try to find some belief in the possibility of a little trip away somewhere while I still can. For more attempts at sorting out refunds to fund this in between the usual domestic chores. Though I can communicate for practical purposes it's still a huge struggle to engage in chirpy chit chat, even virtually. It feels as if some essential mental circuits have blown and I might never feel pleasure again, though Brendan on Coach Trip actually made me laugh a little so maybe they will mend eventually..,