Monday 21 August 2017

Bitter top

I give thanks for discovering last night I can access an extra mental state over and above grieving and numb...I can now do panic too! Good to have a bit of variety...

I give thanks for applying myself to the grim tasks of unarranging that which had been organised with such optimism and joy. I feel a bit bereft and bereaved but it has to be done and it's no use crying over dead dreams...though I guess most of us have shed a tear or two about one or two in our time. I've wept so much over the last few days I'm wondering if I should ask for an exra fluid allowance when the time comes - I mean that moisture must spring from somewhere! I give thanks for managing after many tries to find a consultant's secretary who a) would answer their phone and b) didn't require me to vaporise on the spot for having the audacity to call it. In fact she was so nice and helpful I'm a bit worried it may have been a wrong number or someone just passing who picked up...

I give thanks for having a brainwave and realising I could download the book that is too heavy for me. They even have it in e form at the library...allegedly...but for some reason neither I nor the staff on duty could make it actually available to me!


I give thanks for the late light on the water. For the excellent Top of the Lake distracting me and helping drown out the drone of disgruntled neighbours.

I give thanks though meditation is not going well (see above) I'm still keeping up with the Shiatsu...so I can be twisted even while I'm bitter about the universe literally not giving me a break.

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