Gifted

Earlier this year Rachel and I talked about swapping skills or services rather than wrapped things at the end of it, and over the months this had been refined to me knitting her a cardigan with holes in* and her taking me somewhere I wouldn't otherwise go. Last night was the somewhere -http://livingnowevents.com/jamie-catto-what-about-my-christmas-presence/

It was somewhat out of my comfort zone literally, given my current physical challenges, and the other way too as I find explaining my life situation fraught with possibilities for others to view me as a victim (or 'the unluckiest person I've ever known' as one person put it!) instead of as I see myself - the wise, strong, compassionate result of learning and growing through challenging experiences. Nonetheless I had lots of gratitude for the opportunity to go out somewhere in the evening, partly 'under my own steam' (taxi...plus bus for the first time since my journey to hospital, wohoo!), partly with someone whose company I enjoy, to a new place (including stained glass windows lit from inside and a room with the best barny ceiling ever!)...and to just see what will be...

I gave thanks I enjoyed the speaker's style and content, and even more that when we got to the workshop bit we could choose our pairs and I didn't have to explain to a stranger why I didn't have any forced proximity Christmas issues. Of course to get the best out of the event I did have to try to participate in the exercises but they didn't work using the just the neighbours and myself, and both Rachel and I had to try not to have an average Monday night exchange of views on the relationships with others she sometimes struggles with, and the struggles I have sometimes have with not having relationships as others know them. But the fact that we understood each other's situations quite well already meant through the set questions we could encourage each other to new insights...and we were both very grateful for that.

I couldn't get my head around the second solitary exercise at all as it seemed to me to be about making someone else the villain and apportioning blame, which is also a struggle for me.  So instead I sat watching everyone scribbling their grievances and felt compassion for them...and wrote some alternative thoughts. Sure I encounter people I fervently wish would behave differently than they do, but I'm aware they are in their own movie, and probably wishing I'd stick to the script and plot they'd prefer as well.

I was grateful too for the mild night, for Rachel making tea for us to scoff in the interval and me bringing pizza to nibble on the late drive home, for someone being handed my coat by mistake and saying 'Oh I wish it was mine!', for realising I'd spent three hours with a life coach and had come away quite sure I'm doing fine just the way I am! I was grateful I made it to bed before the fortissimo pain of staying in one position for so long reached a final crescendo...and for reminding myself when I felt I just couldn't bear it any more that whenever you say you can't you already are.

I give thanks I didn't have anything to get up in time for anything this morning and could take my own time, gradually easing myself back into upright and moving about, busying myself in my office** the while. I give thanks for finally attempting to finish the excavation under the stairs and realising all the lifting and shifting, stretching up and grovelling down on the floor was going to be beyond me today...and then...in very small incremental stages...doing it anyway! Good job I didn't have to go out anywhere...my head would not have fitted through the doorway!


*lacy
**bed