Not saying I'm tired but...

Years ago I read something about not saying to people you're tired. The idea was that if it was part of an explanation or request it was OK but as an announcement on its own it was pointless and maybe even counterproductive for both parties. This did actually seem to make a lot of sense for me at the time but at the time tiredness wasn't a major feature in my life. Now it is, and I realise I announce the fact to myself quite a lot, along with updates on what's hurting and how much and so on...and yes it's still pointless and counterproductive! I'm grateful I've noticed this and can now set about trying to break the habit. It's really not necessary to have that sort of inner (or outer!) monologue going on: I'll still rest if I need to just as I scratch an itch without having to tell myself something's tickling. Whether there'll be any benefit other than the intrinsic one of doing something that seems right to me, I don't know, but having refused to use the same damning language regarding my cancer that the doctors did I do know there can be some curious coincidences in these matters, even if they're not causalities. And we do largely live out our own self definitions don't we? We're good at this thing...we don't like that...we can't understand the other etc etc.

One of the things I tell myself I'm good at is buying fabric off the internet even though you can't see it or feel it...and look at this beautiful linen mix I got for some new trousers when spring comes back! It was exactly the colour I was searching for for months even though it didn't seem it on the screen (and indeed doesn't look like it here!). And how prettily wrapped like a present with a snippet of lace trim thrown in for free...I give great thanks for that.

And for my new mattress arriving and being so ludicrously luxuriously comfy for such a reasonable price. I know it sounds stupid but I feel emotionally supported when I lie on a firm, gently supportive mattress...and yes, it's probably because I don't know what emotionally supported feels like but hey, does it matter if the illusion works for me? I lay down on it after the delivery men had gone and felt so relaxed I had to get up again before I fell asleep. It's airing now, ready to be made up later but I've checked and am very grateful the lower bedding fits as it's rather deeper than the old one.

Anyway...I'm also grateful for the moon rising like a big yellow cheese last night. A big yellow cheese so tasty someone had clearly cut themselves off a chunk as it's way past full now, but still very bright! For the smell of fresh cut grass today, and of the start of the rain when it lands on the road - love it!