When no means no

I give thanks that my blood pressure has been within normal range all day... most especially as I have discovered that the phrase 'no energy' I was so blase about within the common side effects of the new drugs means just exactly that - not a bit tired, a bit feeble, happy for a nap, but almost totally immobilised - so the suggestion that I might have to raise the dose reactivated my resolve for (in this case obviously extremely passive) resistance. I give thanks that led to heart strengthening memories of other medical rebellions such as...

...exiting an operating theatre upright and with as much dignity as my gown allowed after frequent requests for appropriate info before I signed the consent form came to nothing...

...raising my head on my apparent deathbed and berating the senior radiologist and junior doctor who were arguing over the foot of it about whose fault my demise might be...

...and, during some other dance with the skinny dude lugging his ancient farm implement, telling a morning ward round crew that if I really did only have days at best unless I succumbed to their will, I'd prefer to spend them at home as there were things I'd like to do. 'Like what?' some bedside mannered, Boden wearing female politely enquired. 'Oh I don't know...have a long hot bath in my own bathroom...have sex maybe...' There was an extended pause... Gentle reader, I am perhaps not the most alluring of women at the best of times, but at this specific time alopecia had left me like a combover man in a frisky breeze and bladder cancer somewhat leaky in the nether regions, so it was in a tone of fascinated horror (after checking my marital status perhaps) that a male voice dared to enquire 'Did you have someone particular in mind?' 'Not sure yet...but how could anyone resist me?' I replied, raising my still intact eyebrows, and the team scuttled away hastily scribbling 'query brain mets?' no doubt.*

I give thanks that these recollections in turn reminded me of all the times I've asked myself 'What would you rather do - die trying or die wishing you had?' about seemingly insurmountable tasks, even merely getting further than the building doorstep on occasion...all the times my body has told me 'no' and I have refused to listen. 

So most stupendous thanks that eventually I eventually managed to walk in the rain to Eastcliff, to appreciate the monochrome magpies in the multicoloured leaves, the seagulls on the swimming pool and the lone surfer sitting patiently on their board on the unrelenting unwaviness...which brought to mind last night's dream of skinny dipping in warm water at twilight and more. Seriously, subconscious, enough already I think!

I give thanks for getting a load of washing done and draping it near the open windows...may as well try and catch the wind...

*How can you even be wondering? Of course I went home for a bath ;-)